200 Best Andre Braugher Quotes

Raymond: You look like a corpse we just pulled out of the river.
Jake: Wrong - I look like a cool rock star who OD'd in his own pool.

Captain: The first time I met Kevin's parents, I called Brahm's "Funf Gesange" opus 106... when it is, obviously, opus 104. They haven't spoken to me since.
Jake: Really? Just for that?
Captain: Yes, also because they're huge homophobes who think that I made Kevin gay with my magic genitalia.

Officer: I'm gonna die. I'm gonna die before I ever got to find my twin sister's killer.
Raymond: What?
Officer: That's the reason I joined the force, remember? To find the man who murdered my twin sister. That's my whole story!
Raymond: Debbie, there's no you told me that.

Captain: Everyone I work with is a stupidface.

[repeated line]
Raymond: Don't say son.

Rosa: Captain Holt hates pranks. This is gonna backfire, man.
Jake: Ugh, fine, I'll tone it down. I'll... move his podium a foot to the left.
Amy: What? He'll be so angry.
Jake: Okay, five inches.
Amy: Five?
Jake: Three?
Amy: Three!
Jake: One?
Amy: One?
Jake: All right. I'll move it a half inch.
Amy: Fine. It's your funeral.
Jake: Oh my god. Worst prank ever. So stupid. Holt's not even going to notice.
Captain: Good morning.
[He puts his papers on the podium but stops for a second, realizing something is off]
Captain: You guys... the podium, it's... Ha.
[chuckles]
Captain: [laughter intensifies]
[riotous laughter]
Captain: [shouting] You're crazy! How did you pull this off?

Chief: [On video] Hello, Raymond. Surprised to see me?
Raymond: Well, I didn't say Bloody Mary three times, so yes.
Amy: When did she record this?
Rosa: Judging by the flames around her, it could be a livestream.

Captain: Tell me what I'm eating.
Charles: Fine. It's a sharp Vermont Cabot. Now describe what you taste.
Captain: Cheese.
Charles: [Encouragingly] And...
Captain: Cheese.

Raymond: I maintain a strict code of integrity.
Terry: Come on, Captain. You never told a white lie to make a person feel better?
Raymond: I only lie when someone's safety is at risk. Or if a juvenile aged eight years or younger asks about Santa Claus.
Terry: In which case...
Raymond: I feed them some reassuring pap about the logical impossibility of proving a negative. It's sentimental drivel, but they eat it up.

Raymond: Fine, look... I don't have to go to the hospital until my contractions are three minutes apart and last for at least 45 seconds.
Rosa: Yeah, but don't you need to go home and pack some stuff?
Raymond: I'll be fine. Scully, you have a hospital go-bag at your desk, right?
Hitchcock: Yep, what do you need? One-day, three-day, coma kit?

Amy: Who was your partner back when you caught the Brooklyn Broiler?
Raymond: Martin Ormankupp. He was a great partner. Smart, loyal, homophobic but not racist. In those days, that was pretty good.

Naomi: What does he look like - in person?
Martin: The Butcher Boy? Like a Boy Scout.
Tommy: A Boy Scout - with a merit badge in carving.

Jake: [phone ringing] He's calling. Wait, Kevin, we didn't go over how you answer the phone.
Captain: There isn't time. Just answer.
Jake: Okay.
[answers phone]
Jake: You've reached Professor Kevin Cozner. Please start speaking when I finish this sentence.

Raymond: At 3:30 am this morning I seem to have sent Kevin a digital phallus portrait.
Rosa: A digital phallus portrait, what's that? Oh no! You sent him a d**k pic.

[watching Searles practice with his bayonet]
Sgt. Mulcahy: Oh, what do we have here? Bonnie Prince Charley and his toy bayonet! You're not reading your books now. Stab me.
Cpl. Thomas Searles: What?
Sgt. Mulcahy: Stab-me.
[Searles comes at him gingerly and Mulcahy slaps it away]
Sgt. Mulcahy: I said STAB, not TICKLE! Come on, you prissy little schoolgirl! You're the worst soldier in this whole company, now HIT ME!
[Searles comes at him again, Mulcahy disarms him and slams the rifle butt into his stomach, then his face. Searles falls to the ground, writing in pain and sobbing]
Sgt. Mulcahy: No shame, son, get up... I SAID GET UP!
Trip: Nigger forgot to duck, that's all!
Colonel Robert G. Shaw: Sergeant, deal with that man!

Dr. Darryl Nolan: You were willing to punish the husband and patient because you identified with him. He was also losing someone he loved.
Dr. Gregory House: I'm not going to go out and get hammered because of a woman I'm not even with is moving in with someone. That'd be pathetic... To Hell with this! When I first came to you, I told you I wanted to be happy, and I followed your advice. Instead I'm miserable. How is this working for me?
Dr. Darryl Nolan: It takes time.

Jupiter: [seeing that Thomas is reading] Good book, brother?
Cpl. Thomas Searles: Yes it is, actually. The name's Searles, Thomas Searles.
Jupiter: Jupiter Sharts, sir. What it 'bout, that book?
Cpl. Thomas Searles: It's a collection of essays, actually... Fourier, Emerson... all the transcendentalists.
Jupiter: [nods smiling] It got pictures?

Jordan: A great viral video like that could fetch me ten grand. And do you know what type of tanning bed I could get for that kind of money?
[beat, then intensely]
Jordan: A mid-range one.
Captain: Not necessary. Your tan is great as-is. You look like an evenly-stained deck.
Jordan: All right, dude. Keep it in your pants. Like, I get why you're into this, and I could see something going on with us later, but right now, I need the cash.

Tommy: [after Martin told Tommy what Aaron had told him, with Naomi present] That... is... a... bullshit story!
Martin: Now it's *our* bullshit story.

Doug: Criminals? That's how you see us? Is it a crime to steal bread to feed your family? Or to sell some weed so you can buy video games? Or to steal video games, because you smoked all that weed you were supposed to sell?
Captain: Yes, all of those are crimes.
Doug: Damn, even the bread one?
Captain: Especially the bread one.

Captain: Wuntch.
Chief: Hello, Raymond. You're looking old and sickly.
Captain: So nice of you to greet us, Madeline. I thought surely you'd still be crushed under that house in Munchkinland.
Chief: Sticks and stones, Raymond.
Captain: Describing your breakfast?

Jake: My lady left me.
Captain: My lady stayed.

Dr. Gabbie Wince: Yep, he swallowed 'em. You can see the gems right here on the X-ray.
Jake: And you're sure those are the gems and there's not something horribly wrong with him?
Dr. Gabbie Wince: Well, the part that's horribly wrong with him is if you look here...
[Points at the X-ray]
Officer: Oh, nobody cares.

Captain: Thank you for coming in on your day off. I know you'd all rather be at home, binge watching media content.
Jake: Oh! I just started the second season of media content. No spoilers.

Captain: Hello, you've reached the office of Raymond Holt. I can come to the phone right now.

Raymond: Why do you idolize that man and the time he wrote about?
Jake: Because the 70s were amazing! Everyone had big juicy mustaches and all the clothes were orange... and flammable.

Adam: Excuse me. Is this the memorial for Madeline Wuntch?
Raymond: Yes, this is the memorial for Madeline Wuntch. Just saying her name brings tears to my eyes.
Adam: Why, because her heart was made of onions?
Raymond: Excuse me?
Adam: Madeline Wuntch was what you get when you cross a slug with an anal fissure. We spent our entire lives trying to destroy each other. I was her one true nemesis.
Raymond: No!

Raymond: We have intel on a drop house used by Alexei Bisko, a Captain in the Ukrainian mafia.
Jake: Oh, he should be psyched. That's a very up-and-coming mafia.

Dr. Darryl Nolan: Umk, that's interesting. You present yourself as uh, not giving a damn about other's emotions, but your actions indication otherwise. You dismiss Alvie's story about his mother, but you cared enough to schedule a hearing?
Dr. Gregory House: I cared for eight seconds. Then I got distracted.

Captain: You've been caught, Allister!
Jake: Is it happening?
Captain: Caught by me.
Jake: It is happening.
Captain: Me and my rock hard brain.
Jake: It happened!

Amy: [Catching Jake and Holt trying to sneak off to read Captain Kim's mail] Seriously? The bathroom sneak-off? It didn't work for Dana McAlpin trying to smoke a joint at the Winter Carnival Dance, and it's not going to work for you. Give me the mail. Hmm. You just got "chaperowned", O-W-N-E-D.
Jake: Spelling is never cool.
Officer: Wrong, that was extremely cool. Now I understand why you're "into her."
Jake: Now you understand? You officiated our wedding.

Jake: Perhaps the kidnapper's watch is slow.
Captain: Oh, dear God, if his watch is slow, there's no telling what else this psychopath is capable of.

Jocelyn: Excuse me, do you have a less crinkly dollar I could trade you for?
Captain: Of course I do. None of my dollars has a single crinkle. When they do, I steam them.
[Hands her a dollar bill]
Jocelyn: Oh. Wow, that is crisp.
Captain: [Looks at the crinkly dollar she gave him] Can't wait to get this baby home and flatten it out.

Sergeant: The NYPD servers have internal backup batteries. Even if we unplug them, they'll stay on for another two hours.
Captain: As a captain, I have an override code I can use to wipe the servers clean so there'd be no information for the hackers to steal, but there's one problem, Jake.
Jake: Yes, sir?
Captain: You still have something in your teeth. You tried to get rid of it, but it's made it much more prominent.
Jake: Why would you stop everything just to tell me that?
Captain: It's very distracting.

Jake: Figure out what's living in there yet?
Captain: Well, uh, judging by the empty beer cars, the fur, the pornography, and the claw marks, I'd say a homeless man and a raccoon. The exact nature of their relationship is still revealing itself.
Jake: I'm gonna assume sexual.

Terry: Whoa. Slow down, sir. You didn't even stop and sniff the bouquet. You always sniff the bouquet.
Captain: Maybe the old Holt did. But the new Holt chugs Beaujolais from a Burgundy glass without a care. Oh, it's a Sauternes glass. Look, the alcohol has rendered me a simpleton.

Jake: Look, Raymond. A yellow crested warbler.
Captain: Yes! That's the right level of excitement for such a bird. You captured the essence of Kevin. You've done it.
Jake: Correction, I've accomplished it.
Captain: Indeed.
Kevin: Indeed.
Jake: Indeed, indeed, indeed...
Jake: Indeed, indeed, indeed, indeed, indeed.
Jake: It's growing on me.

Raymond: Lieutenant, as you know, I've been walking the same beat for the past three weeks. It's become a bit tedious.
Terry: I thought you loved tedium.
Raymond: I love monotony. They're very different.

Raymond: Wait, Wuntch is dead?
Terry: Yeah. The Commissioner's office just notified us.
Raymond: No way that's true. As Wuntch says when she sees deodorant, "I'm not buying it."

Raymond: Why did I send Kevin an obscene picture?
Rosa: Relax. It's not a big deal. You were just flirting.
Raymond: No, if I were flirting, I would have sent him a scatter plot of educational attainment versus caloric intake in Jacobin France.

Captain: [Diaz knocks on the door] Come in, Diaz.
Rosa: How'd you know it was me?
Captain: The restrained knock. Everyone else in this office plays my door like it's a marimba. The other day, Jeffords gave it three taps and two raps.
Rosa: Was he drunk?
Captain: One can only assume.

Jake: The point is a crime has been committed, and someone in this room did it. There are seven suspects all with means and motive. It appears what we have is a classic whodunnit.
Raymond: The phrase "whodunnit" is a grammatical abomination. Please use the proper term, a "who has done this."
Jake: I will not.

Raymond: I'm off to walk my beat again, much like Sisyphus, condemned to push the same boulder up the same hill day in and day out.
Terry: You know, according to French philosopher Albert Camus, Sisyphus achieved happiness in that absurd repetition.
Raymond: Any French philosophy post-Rousseau is essentially a magazine.

Raymond: When we originally wed, we didn't know how long gay marriage would be legal, so we had a somewhat rushed ceremony. Kevin has always regretted it, so we're having a vow renewal ceremony. This time, we're pulling out all the stops. It's will be a truly extravagant affair.
Charles: Oh, how extravagant are we talking? Champagne pyramid?
Terry: Destination wedding?
Jake: Celebrity officiant?
Raymond: We got the salad forks! Can you believe it, a second fork? Who do we think we are?
[Everyone is left speechless]
Raymond: Oh no, you're shocked at how garish it is. Now I don't even want to tell you the other surprise I have in store for Kevin.
Jake: Wait, let me guess -- you're getting bread plates?
Raymond: Don't be absurd; we're not crazy. No, the big surprise is I'm retiring from the NYPD.
Terry: Wait...
Charles: What?
Jake: Why did you lead with the salad forks?

Jake: All right, listen up everybody! Better contact Captain Holt, let him know we have a ten-tie situation.
Captain: Speaking of ties, where's yours Meep Morp?
Jake: This is fantastic. Captain! Hey! Welcome to the murder.

Rosa: Oh, were you able to send that email to Adrian?
Captain: Oh, yes, he wrote back right away. It wasn't as graphic as I feared. He wrote the number eight equal sign, equal sign, equal sign, equal sign, equal sign, equal sign, equal sign, capital D - oh. I see what this is.

Cpl. Thomas Searles: It's not true, is it? I mean about not being allowed to fight. The men are living for that day. I know I am.

Officer: These fools don't stand a chance against us.
Jake: Yeah, they really are fools, aren't they? Just like whoever Agnes and Alfredo beat at singing to get into the Olympics. I know nothing about opera.

Jake: Sorry dude... But this new guy is gonna be another washed-up pencil pusher, who's only concerned with
[robotically]
Jake: following every rule in the patrol guide. Meep morp zeep. Robot captain engage.
Captain: Is that what you think?
Jake: He-hey! New captain alert.
[laughs]
Jake: You must be the new C.O. I'm Detective Jake Peralta. Great to meet you.
Captain: Now don't let me interrupt. You were describing what kind of person I'm gonna be. I'd like you to finish.
Jake: That's not necessary. Or I could recap very quickly, sure. Um, let's see. I think I said some joke about being a washed-up pencil pusher.
Captain: Now do the robot voice.
Jake: Which...
Captain: The robot voice you were doing when you implied I'm a rule-following robot. I wanna hear it again.
Jake: Meep morp... Zarp. Robot.
Captain: That's a terrible robot voice.
Jake: Yep.
Captain: The next time I see you, I'd like you to be wearing a necktie.

Doug: I sold a guy a fake Pekinese. 'Twas a cat.
Captain: You will not win me over with your use of 'twas.
Doug: 'Twasn't trying to.

Captain: Care to sit? I'm sure you'd like to take some weight off your cloven hooves.
Deputy: Calling me the devil? How original, Raymond.
Captain: Actually, I was calling you a goat. You goat.

Captain: Wait. Why is he writing the solution to my formula for no reason? And why is he drawing colorful underpants beneath it?
Charles: Oh, I see what's happening. He's drawing Boy Riga, loyal sidekick to his favorite cool superhero, Captain Latvia.
Nikolaj: That's his symbol. He distributes grain evenly among the working class.

Jake: Sir, you cracked it! You and your big hard brain.
Captain: Hard?
Jake: Yes! You have the biggest, hardest brain on Earth, and I want you to say it. Say "I am Raymond Holt, and my brain is rock hard."
Captain: A brain shouldn't be hard. If anything, I'll say, "I am Raymond Holt, and my brain is soft and wet."
Jake: No, don't say that. It's gross and I hate it. All right, let's go do some cop stuff.

Captain: I don't enjoy being judged, so I'm on my way to Atlantic City for the weekend. I'll be gambling.
Jake: No, sir, please just come back, okay? Terry and I will keep you company. We'll go to a museum. One of the boring ones with no dinosaurs.

Amy: All right, I know what's going on here. You two still don't trust Captain Kim and you're here to snoop on her.
Raymond: I don't know what you're talking about.
Amy: Please. Look at your shoes. You only wear sneakers for their literal purpose: sneaking.
Jake: That's crazy. He's wearing perfectly normal...
Raymond: No, she's right. The clown shoes gave me away.

Jake: For the final heist, we will all be competing for this.
Raymond: Is that my medal of valor from the very first heist?
Jake: It is modeled after it, yes, but this far more meaningful.
Raymond: I got mine for saving the life of Maya Angelou.
Jake: Boring! This one says Grand Champion on it and it's made out of golt, a non-gold alloy that should not be handled by women who are pregnant or nursing. Yours is garbage.

Amy: Look, since you can't say anything nice, try saying the opposite of whatever you're thinking.
Raymond: Interesting. I'll give it a whirl. Madeline Wuntch was... A friend.
Rosa: See? It's not that hard to say something ni... Oh, you're vomiting.

[repeated line]
Raymond: *Bingpot!*

Terry: I can't play favorites. You never did when you were in charge.
Raymond: Of course I did.
Terry: Really? I never got any special treatment.
Raymond: I think you can do the math there.

Amy: Maybe we should talk about deets of the case, plan our next move, grab a little chow.
Raymond: No need. I brought these.
[Pulls out protein bar-like packets]
Raymond: Nutrition bricks. I have original no-flavor and whole wheat no-flavor.

Terry: Oh, also, she's worried about her motorcycle sitting idle, so she wants us to take it out once a day.
[Tosses Captain Holt the keys]
Terry: Here.
Captain: I think you should do this. You're more the biker type. I've seen you use a toothpick in public.
Terry: Motorcycles are death machines. I have three kids. I'm not risking it.
Captain: Are you saying my life matters less because I don't conform to society's heteronormative, child-centric ideals?
Terry: Are you really playing the gay card right now?
Captain: [Blank tone, expressionless] Yas, queen.
[Snaps fingers]

Raymond: Shall we have a read-off, Santiago?
Amy: We don't have finger guards.
Raymond: So we do it raw.
Terry: Okay, I normally don't encourage such childish competitions, but this might help things go faster. My only question is, Holt, are you sure your old ass eyes are up to the challenge?
Raymond: I know you're just trying to motivate me, but these old ass eyes will be reading your tombstone, son.

[last lines]
Jake: That's how we do it in the Nine-Nine, sir. Catch bad guys and look good doing it.
[winces and fidgets]
Captain: What is wrong with you?
Jake: Never took off the Speedo. Big mistake. It is inside me. Great work, team!

Dr. Darryl Nolan: What's Taub doing in my imaginary version of a scene with Wilson and Cuddy?
Dr. Gregory House: Your version needed to be ended. Because it's crap. It's all sweetness and light, and... faith that I'm going to choose the right path. Yeah, that sounds like Wilson.

Captain: And now it's time to send in our cute little secret weapon.
Charles: I'm ready, Captain. I love the nickname.
Captain: No, Charles, not you. I was talking about Cheddar.
Charles: Oh, right, obviously.
Captain: Over the past month, I've had him trained to retrieve plaques. And now, boy, it's time to make Daddy proud.
Charles: Yes, sir.
Captain: I could not have been more clearly talking to the dog.

Captain: Santiago, shall we join forces?
Amy: Ooh, smart, teaming up with the reigning champ.
Captain: Again with this nonsense? I'm the reigning champ. The only thing you won last heist was a lifetime of mediocre heterosexual intercourse with Jake.

Jake: Why aren't you guys on your way to the airport?
Jocelyn: Oh, I'm gonna miss my flight, but it's worth it. It means a lot that Rosa bailed on all this just for me.
Jake: Aww.
Captain: You did what, Diaz?
Jake: Now, sir, I told her it was okay. If you're gonna be mad at anyone, be mad at me.
Captain: Okay, I am mad at you.
Jake: What? No. I didn't think you were really gonna be mad. That backfired. Be mad at Rosa.

Jake: Sir, I'd like to talk to you about the new task force you're on the hiring committee for.
Raymond: The Special Tactical Operations and Auxiliary Strategic Response Citywide Emergency Investigative Unit for Emergency Operations? You know, I had a hand in naming it.
Jake: And it's great, although you might wanna try shortening it, maybe using a cool acronym.
Raymond: So, the S.T.O.A.S.R.C.E.I.U.E.O.? Hm, you're right. That *is* cool.

Caleb: Now, I'll tell you one thing. You are not looking for a cannibal.
Captain: Why do you say that?
Caleb: With all that blood? No self-respecting cannibal would waste all that sauce.
Jake: See, Charles? He's a foodie, like you.

Captain: Do you think any one of these jackals cares about what's right or wrong?
The: I'll help.
Jake: See, sir? There is good in every person.
The: But I want it to be known it's for selfish reasons.
Jake: Why would you want that to be known?
The: 'Cause I've never met C.J. before and I want him to think that I'm cool.
Captain: It's working. I mean, I love how you're taking over the room.

Terry: Think of it this way: It's like doing reps at a gym. Doing something over and over again is how you make your pecs pop.
Raymond: The only muscle I care to work out is my brain.
Terry: Then get those reps in and make that brain pop.
[Starts flexing his pecs]
Terry: Pop, pop. Pop, pop, pop.
Raymond: What you're describing is an aneurism.

Chief: You don't trust me, I don't trust you. The mission is off. Here's your bug back. It's not an actual bug, so don't eat it, you lizard.
Captain: Ha! You didn't specify the subspecies of lizard. I won that round!

Terry: Hello? Anyone? We're stuck in the elevator!
Raymond: Can't you yell any louder? Use those big strong lungs you're always flexing.
Terry: These are my pecs.
Raymond: So this is all just for show then. It has no functional purpose.
Terry: I mean, I am pretty strong.
Raymond: Good, then rip those doors open.
Terry: I can't do that.
Raymond: Oh, well at least you haven't dedicated a significant portion of your life to looking like this.

Captain: You and Santiago should quit now. I'm going to stomp on your dreams.
Amy: It's fun to see you so passionate.
Captain: I will slit you both open from mouth to anus and wear you like jackets.
Jake: Wow. Is it weird that that turned me on a little bit?

Raymond: We need to get that key. How are you at picking pockets?
Jake: [Produces a wallet] Does this answer your question?
Raymond: Whose wallet is that?
Jake: It's mine. But it came out so smooth I barely even felt it.

Raymond: Time to talk strategy. Let's be honest, we're not young men.
Scully: Speak for yourself. My doctor said I'm in my twilight years.
Raymond: That means you're close to death.
Scully: But it has such a pretty name!

Raymond: Okay, O'Sullivan, there's McCaffery coming out of Perdue Pet Supplies with the mouse that he put in the burrito. So there's no need for tactical gear or a Never Forget Burrito ribbon or any of that. You need to call off the Blue Flu.
Frank: Are you crazy? My guys are under attack.
Raymond: No, I just proved that it wasn't an attack. He faked it.
Frank: Not that attack, this attack-- the one where you call a policeman a liar.
Raymond: He is a liar.
Frank: Oh, dear, my God. You just did it again. Do you understand the worst thing you could do to another person is to call that person a liar? You hate cops. That's a fact.
Raymond: I-I-I just thought the Blue Flu was about a mouse in a burrito.
Frank: Well, it was, but now it's about you saying it wasn't.
Raymond: That doesn't make any sense.
Frank: So you're calling me stupid?
Raymond: That's not what I said!
Frank: You're calling me a liar?
Raymond: I just don't know how to talk to someone like you.
Frank: Someone like me? Wow. That's racist!
Raymond: Oh, this is a very frustrating conversation.

Captain: I'm having some trouble with my speech. All I've got so far is a poem.
Terry: Ooh, a poem. Sounds romantic.
Captain: [Reads] "Marriage is a contract between two adults of different families."
[Terry gives him a look]
Captain: It's a haiku... and a fact. It works on two levels.

Captain: [to Cheddar's kidnapper, as they are fighting] Oh, I see you have a knife. But what you need is an umbrella.
Jake: [From inside the car, to himself] Tell him why. Tell him why!
Captain: 'Cause there's a **bleep** storm gonna rain down on you, punk!

Captain: I know everyone's mad at Peralta for ruining their weekend.
Jake: But?
Captain: That was it. I was just demonstrating for Detective Peralta what a fact is.

Captain: Gina, where have you been? You left your cell phone at your desk and I assumed you were dead.
Gina: Hm, I would clearly be buried with my phone.

Terry: Oh, you must be feeling better. You're heating up your favorite meal; beans.
Raymond: They're refried. It's bad enough they were cooked once, let alone twice, and now the toaster oven makes it three times. I couldn't be crying for help any louder.

Reed: General Hager.
General: Let's talk somewhere private.
Susan: Unless you need to do Jell-O shots off someone's stomach.

General: [to Reed] Let me make this clear for you and your pack of freaks. I'm the quarterback, you're on my team. But I guess you didn't play football in high school, did you, Richards?
[Hager starts to walk away]
Reed: You're right. I didn't. I stayed in and studied like a good little nerd. And fifteen years later, I'm one of the greatest minds of the 21st century. I'm engaged to the hottest girl on the planet. And the big jock who played football in high school, he standing right in front of me asking me for my help, and I say he's not going to get a damn thing, unless he does exactly what I say and starts treating me and my friends with some respect.
General: [understandingly] Give him what he wants.
[Hagar walks away]
Susan: [to Reed] I'm so hot for you right now.
Johnny: [hugging Reed and switching powers] Me, too!

Trip: Hey, yo, nigger, that's my spot, see.
Cpl. Thomas Searles: If you don't mind, there's more sufficient reading light here.
Trip: Oooh, I like it when niggers talk good as white folks!
Cpl. Thomas Searles: I'd be happy to teach you. It would be my pleasure
Trip: Now, listen here, snowflake. I ain't got nothin' to learn from no house nigger, you hear?
Cpl. Thomas Searles: I am a free man! As was my father before me.
Trip: Oh, really? You free? Then why don't you move your free black ass out my spot, see!

Kevin: Sure, my husband is a hot piece of ass, but he is so much more than just that. Raymond Holt is as smart as anyone in this department, but he chooses to use his intelligence to make our city a better place. One day, I hope to live up to the standard you set. You make me want to have a wetter brain.
Captain: Oh, Kevin.
Jake: Y'all are hella specific.

Rosa: [Trying to solve a riddle] I can do this. One guy's slightly heavier. There's a seesaw. I got it.
[In Holt's office]
Rosa: You use the seesaw to press down on their necks until fatty confesses.
Raymond: Incorrect.
Gina: Damn.
Raymond: And disturbing.

Raymond: Excuse me, but does it seem slightly warm to anyone? I feel it is quite warm.
Jake: What was that? You were supposed to cause a drunken scene.
Raymond: I was. I raised the volume of my voice 9%, as inebriated people do, and I spoke of the resultant rise in body temperature.

Captain: And so concludes this year's Secret Santa drawing. Just a quick reminder of the rules: $40 limit, no perishable items, and no homemade massage coupons, Hitchcock.
Hitchcock: Fine, then everyone'll have to pay full price for them.
Jake: Oh, Captain. I would like a $40 gift card to any restaurant that serves nachos.
Captain: I don't have you, Peralta.
Jake: Not only do I know that you do indeed have me, but I also know who everyone else has.
Terry: That's not possible.
Jake: Perhaps not for an ordinary man such as yourself, Jeffords. But for the brilliant mind of Detective Sherlock Peralta - I legally changed my name - it's quite simply... elementary. For, you see, Amy made a face I only recognized from our bedroom, which means that she has Captain Holt. Charles has Terry. His eyes keep shifting over to him.
Charles: [shifts eyes to Terry] No, I don't.
Jake: Terry looked disgusted, which means he has Hitchcock. Rosa didn't draw a name, nor did she put one in. She doesn't wanna participate.
Rosa: Never do.
Jake: Hitchcock moves his mouth when he reads and he quite clearly said Char-les.
Hitchcock: I did get Char-les.
Jake: Scully has Amy. He's hold his paper name-side out.
Scully: Oh, he's good.
Jake: And I have Scully, which means Captain Holt has me. I'll be taking that gift card. Daddy loves nachos.

Captain: [Captain Holt is trying to raise the group's moral, by throwing an after-work party] How about some tunes?
[upbeat Sousa march]
Rosa: [ironically, deadpan] Cool, merry-go-round music.
Captain: Yeah, John Phillips Sousa, the Skrillex of his day. C'mon, people, hit the dance floor. Have a good time.
[Starts dancing, but noone's following]
Captain: Why is no one having a good time? I specifically requested it. Gina, why aren't you dancing?
Gina: I can't. I'm in the middle of a feud with the "that's not a knife" guy from "Crocodile Dundee". He's being a real bitch.

Raymond: You don't feel sad when a monster dies in a monster movie. In "E.T.," do you feel sad when E.T. dies?
Chief: Yes.
Terry: He wasn't a monster.
Raymond: He caused a real commotion.

Jake: Sir, there you are. We've been looking everywhere for. Kevin says he hasn't heard from you all night.
Captain: Yes, I've been sitting in my office wallowing in my hopelessness, and eating the saddest food known to mankind. Ice cream.
Charles: Oh, my god, he's Bridget Jones-ing.
Jake: Okay, well it's time to put that aside and pull out whatever food you eat when you're happy.
Captain: Dry beans?
Jake: Sure.

Officer: [spying on Jake and Amy in bed with a hidden camera] Sleep, sleep, you ugly morons.

Raymond: This is a nightmare of mine. I have a phobia of elevators. It stems from a traumatic experience I had as a child.
Young: [Flashback] They only perform rated-load testing on city elevators every five years? Oh, my.
Raymond: [Present] That was the last time I read the municipal code before bed. But... the damage was done.

Raymond: [about his old partner] Dan Hammer.
Jake: That name is so cool, it doesn't need a nickname.
Raymond: Ah, but he had one. Snake Eyes.
Jake: Oh, Snake Eyes is a great one.
Raymond: Oh, yeah. He was the toughest son of a bitch I ever met. When he died, he stuck out his middle finger so he'd be flipping everyone off at his funeral.

Jake: [Looking over pictures of their new Captain] Okay, we've got her meeting the mayor, her dog-sitting for Bo Obama, Malala giving her an award, but no photos of Wuntch.
Raymond: That's because vampires don't appear on film. Perhaps we should be looking for a 17th-century woodblock print.

Jake: A countdown clock, green text on a black background: we are in full-on action-movie mode. Now all I need is my no-nonsense captain to tell me to focus, because time is running out.
Captain: Peralta.
Jake: Yes?
Captain: You have something in your teeth. It's, uh, quite off-putting.
Jake: What? No. "Time is running out." I fed you your line. No one ever has something in their teeth in a movie. Watch a movie, stupid Holt.

Captain: Ah, Boyle, there you are. I have a question for you.
Nikolaj: Daddy, wait up!
Captain: Oh, your non-adult is at our place of work.

Raymond: We have to let the investigation run its course. Right now, everyone's a suspect.
Rosa: Except for Hitchcock and Scully. Whoever did it took the stairs.

Dr. Darryl Nolan: Everything in your life has been about finding the truth. But suddenly with this guy, you decide to reinforce a sick man's delusions. You just want to take a swing at me, huh? You don't care about getting out. You don't care about him. You don't even care about the truth!
[Scoffs]
Dr. Darryl Nolan: You don't care about anything, House! I'm transferring you to Winslow Psychiatric. You'll have better luck pulling the wool over their eyes. I'm done!
Dr. Gregory House: Don't. I need help.

Captain: [Terry has just fixed a copy machine] *It works!* I've never been more proud of you for anything in your life.
Terry: I mean, I've solved a lot of cases for you.
Captain: And yet crime has continued.

Terry: All you have to do is say a few nice comments during the memorial.
Raymond: As God said when Wuntch tried to sneak past the gates into heaven, "It ain't happening, honey."

Captain: Nothing's okay. Wuntch Circling me like a shark frenzied by chum. The task force, turning into a career-threatening quagmire. An internal affairs investigation casting doubt upon my integrity. And you ask, "is everything okay?" I am buffeted by the winds of my foes' enmity and cast about by the towering waves of cruel fate. Yet I, a captain, am no longer able to command my vessel, my precinct, from my customary helm, my office. And you ask, "is everything okay?" I've worked the better part of my years on earth overcoming every prejudice and fighting for the position I hold. And now I feel it being ripped from my grasp. And with it The very essence of what defines me as a man. And you ask, "is everything okay?"
Scully: [pause] Yeah, I hear you. My dog has taken over my favorite chair. It's like, how did it all slip away?

Colonel Robert G. Shaw: [points at the flag-bearer] If this man should fall, who will lift the flag and carry on?
[Thomas steps forward]
Cpl. Thomas Searles: I will.
Colonel Robert G. Shaw: I'll see you in the fort, Thomas.

Dr. Gregory House: [scratching head] Aren't therapists supposed to be nurturing?
Dr. Darryl Nolan: Nowhere
[pause]
Dr. Darryl Nolan: does it say that in the manual.

Captain: That's weird. It's sunny outside.
Jake: Why's that weird?
Captain: Because a **bleep** storm is about to rain down on that punk.
Jake: Oh, my God, I fell for it, and I loved it.

Charles: I'm so excited, Captain. So how are we gonna do it?
Captain: [Gives him a folder] Here's everything you need to know.
Charles: [the paper in the folder is blank] It's blank.
Captain: It's a metaphor. You get nothing. You lose. Good day, sir.

Captain: So what you made you think of using drosophila as a method of searching for blood traces?
Dr. Ronald Yee: Have you ever read Sung Tz'u's textbook, "The Washing Away of Wrongs" from 1235?
Rosa: Nope.
Amy: Yes.
Captain: Which edition?

Officer: We may be arguing, but we're all thinking the same thing: Terry talks about his children too much.
Lieutenant: Do I really? You all think that?
Officer: Keep a lid on the box, Pandora. You won't like what's inside.

Captain: Hello, Deputy Chief Wuntch. You've aged.

Officer: I want to win, Which is why I'm initiating Operation Fabius.
Jake: Okay. That does sound kind of cool.
Officer: Well, it shouldn't. I may have to change the name. Roman dictator Fabius Maximus defeated Hannibal by avoiding battle and exercising patience.
Jake: I can be patient. I just listened to you talk about that Fabius guy for, like, four hours.
Officer: It was two sentences.
Jake: Ugh, shut up.

Dr. Gregory House: The hospital is part of my old life. If I go back, I might... become who I was before, pills and all.
Dr. Darryl Nolan: That's a possibility. But could be... the only thing worse for you than going back to Diagnostic Medicine is not going back.
Dr. Gregory House: ...Guess we're going to find out.

Dr. Darryl Nolan: [to House] You need to stop fighting the system. You need to let me do my job.

Captain: I could turn this department around if you'd let me. You're wasting my talents.
Gina: This man is a Timberlake, and you need to stop treating him like a Fatone.

Captain: If you love someone, you'll remember what they look like.

Officer: I gave the bunnies glasses and little blue vests.
Jake: The vests add nothing.
Officer: The vests add gravitas.
Jake: [Annoyed] Your butt adds gravitas!

Terry: Today is Holt's first day back in his office and I wanna make sure everything is just how he left it. Now, I can't remember, was this little figurine of Cheddar at a 45 or 50 degree angle?
Rosa: Terry, it's a five degree difference. You better figure it out.
Raymond: Ah, I missed this place. Huh, little Cheddar's askew. You really made yourself at home, didn't you Jeffords?

Captain: [while wearing a pigeon costume] Let's blow some tiny minds.

Captain: Call me John Wicks, 'cause I'm about to go nuts.

Captain: Fine, I guess I'll just stop the party.
Terry: I didn't realize it ever started.

Raymond: So, Diaz, I've never been more excited. My first time playing the Jimmy Jabs, and I'm destined to win. Look at my competition.
[about Debbie]
Raymond: Little Miss Hay For Brains.
[about Hitchcock and Scully]
Raymond: The Hay Brains,
[about Jake]
Raymond: and King Brain Made of Hay.
Rosa: Well, you're forgetting about me. I'm also your competition.
Raymond: Yes, but you don't normally care about games like these.
Rosa: Well, I do care about this game. And you're gonna lose because my brains aren't made of hay. My brains are made of brains.
Raymond: Oh, ho. The perfect retort.

Jake: That kind of evidence would never hold up at trial. You'd be laughed out of court.
Frank: I've only been laughed at in court once, and that was because I made a terrific joke.
Raymond: I was there. It was hilarious.

Captain: [about Jocelyn, Diaz's girlfriend] Now that the squad has all met her, surely you can't object to her having some rice with Kevin and me?
Rosa: Okay, it's just that you can be a bit judgmental.
Captain: What a stupid thing to say. Name one time when I have been judgmental.
Rosa: Okay.
Captain: [flashback] What a stupid thing to say.
[Back to present]
Captain: Oh, I see. Mere seconds ago.

Chief: Oh, Raymond, that you came to me to ask for help shows how much you've matured. You know what else shows how much you've matured? Your withered face.
Captain: Now I know why you refer to this as a Suicide Squad, Peralta, because I already want to kill myself.
Chief: Why don't you wait a week? You'll probably die of old age.
Captain: The only way I'm going to die is if you touch me with one of your bony fingers and drag me across the River Styx, you reaper.

Jake: Okay. We have a few more questions for you, doctor.
Captain: Doctor. Huh. It's funny when people call dentists "doctor".
Philip: We are doctors. We do four years of medical school.
Captain: Yeah, but it's called "dental school".
Philip: But we learn about the entire body.
Captain: But if you had cancer, you wouldn't call a dentist.
Philip: You know it's actually harder to get into dental school than medical school.
Captain: Well, because there are fewer dental schools. Because most people want to become actual doctors.
Philip: That's ridiculous. It's not like we're college professors calling ourselves "doctors".
Captain: Not the same thing, my friend.
Philip: Well, sure it is. When someone has a heart attack on a plane, do they yell out, "Yo, does anybody here have an Art History PhD?"
Captain: A PhD is a doctorate. It's literally describing a doctor.
Jake: Maybe let's refocus.
Captain: No! The problem here is that medical practitioners have co-opted the word "doctor".
Jake: Okay, Captain...
Captain: I know we live in a world where anything can mean anything, and nobody even cares about etymolo-!
Captain: Apparently that's a trigger for me.
Jake: Yeah, apparently.

Captain: Let's mobilize. Nobody in or out of the building without authorization. Check every inch of every floor. And, Jake.
Jake: Oh, let me guess. It's on another tooth now. Is it somehow on my face?
Captain: No, what I was going to say is, we only have 15 minutes left. You need to focus, because time is running out.
Jake: Oh, yeah. That's what the F I'm talking about. Thank you, sir.

Captain: [Off camera] Hallo?
Raymond: She's coming. Hide.
Jake: Title of your sex tape?

Officer: I'm sorry. Are you accusing me of something?
Jake: Was that not clear? Do you need me to say it in Latin?
[in Italian accent]
Jake: I think you sabotage me.

Archbishop: [On the secret videotape that Vail stole from the crime scene] The feast of ascension...
[*static]
Archbishop: [On the videotape as it is fast-forwarding] Preach the gospel to every...
[*static]
Martin: [Seeing the video suddenly change to show a young woman] ... Hello.
Vail's: What are you watching?
Naomi: Wait a minute.
Archbishop: [On the videotape] Alex, go to her. Go to her. Good. Now help her. That's it, Aaron. Good. Linda, help out. Good. Take off her blouse, Aaron. That's it. Now help him, Linda. Isn't that sweet, Linda? Good. That's it. Now, take him in your mouth.
Tommy: Heeeeeeeere's motive.
Archbishop: [On the videotape] Aaron, take her from behind. Aaron! Take her from behind!
Martin: Jesus Christ.

Captain: [to potential ATV buyers] These machines are death traps. If you purchase one, you will be maimed.
Jake: [laughs] You won't be maimed. Most of the injuries are internal.

Chief: Hello, Raymond. How do you like my new office? Twentieth floor.
Captain: Yes, I never thought I'd see you this high without a broom under you.

Terry: You drank a soda? Not sure that's the worst thing in the world.
Captain: It was the worst thing in the world. Worse than a fruit-forward Riesling. No, I'm not exaggerating.

Raymond: I actually took a speed reading course. I tested at 800 WPM.
Amy: That's pathetic. I tested at 802.
Terry: That's pretty close to Holt's score.
Raymond: No, no, 802's incredible. She pwned me. I read the entire Urban Dictionary so I could converse with the other uniformed officers. Finished it in 47 minutes.
Amy: I've never been so attracted to a gay man before, and I dated several in college.

Amy: [Upset, crying] Oh, my God! I just heard about Wuntch! She was so young!
Raymond: For a redwood tree.

Amy: Check it: I got a copy of last year's workplace conflict presentation. All we have to do is study the crap out of it, then we can answer every question before that tool from HR even asks it. We'll be done in no time.
Rosa: So your solution for getting us out of the boring seminar is having us memorize the boring seminar.
Amy: Exactly.
Raymond: It's genius, and it's fun. I love committing things to memory.

Jake: Guess what I'm holding behind my back?
Captain: Before we begin, what are the parameters of the guessing game? How many guesses do I get? Is there a time limit?
Jake: Forget it. You ruin everything. It's the police code and ethics manual. Chapter four. Page 83.
Captain: You should not have told me. I never would've guessed it. Now I've won.

Captain: I don't think your wrist is supposed to move like that.
Jake: No, it's been like this since I broke it playing football in high school.
[Captain Holt doesn't believe him]
Jake: Fine, I petted a horse too hard.

Captain: This is how it ends, with me standing on the urine-soaked floor of an elementary school bathroom in a third-rate bird costume.

Terry: Focus on the good. You can hold your head up: you took the high road with Wuntch.
Captain: Not entirely. When I was alone in her office, I changed her auto-correct. Now when she types "Wuntch," it gets replaced with "Butt."

Raymond: What the hell is my father doing here?
Jake: You said you wanted to reconcile.
Raymond: I meant after he was dead. I planned on standing over his grave and yelling, "I forgive you."

Kevin: Look, Raymond. A yellow crested warbler.
Jake: [Does a perfect imitation] Look, Raymond. A yellow crested warbler.
Captain: Ugh, not excited enough. They may be common, but they're still birds.

Raymond: Meat. From the street. Sounds like a fun treat.
[Chuckles]
Raymond: I'm a poet and didn't even know I was rhyming those words. But it happened anyway.

Captain: So nice of you to stop by, Kevin. Enjoy your day. I hope it's productive.
Kevin: Thank you, Raymond. I hope your day is productive as well.
[Holt and Kevin shake hands]
Kevin: PDA in the office? My, my.
Captain: Couldn't help myself.
Kevin: Oh, may I please use the precinct facilities before I head to work?
Captain: Yes. Thank you for asking for permission.
Kevin: Thank you for granting it.

Victor: Now, let's be clear about this, shall we? I hate you.
[looks pointedly at Sue Storm]
Victor: All of you. But the world's at stake and we need to work together to survive.
Reed: [to Hager] General, we know firsthand - you trust Victor and you're gonna regret it.
General: So far, the only one I've regretted trusting here is you, Richards.

Jake: Okay, to get into the basement, we're gonna have to distract her, so here's what I'm thinking. Maxwell Maxwell turns on the charm. Unbutton your jumper and say, "The thing about gas lines is, "the pressure builds and builds and it just needs a little... release."
[moans]
Jake: You don't have to make that sound, but if I were you, I definitely would.
Raymond: No one will be talking about release or making the sound of a rodent in labor.
Jake: It was a sensuous moan, but fair enough.

Raymond: I could really use this day off to spend some time with my husband.
Rosa: Oh, please. We all have loved ones. You're not getting any sympathy just because you're gay.
Jake: Rosa, I don't think he was...
Raymond: No, I was. She saw right through me. Nevertheless, I will destroy you all.

Captain: Peralta, my office.
Jake: Oh, Kevin's here. And you both look so upset. Oh, no, did they stop funding the arts?

Guard: It just seems like you wanna be with Jamie-Lynn. I mean, you keep talking about her thigh gap.
Captain: That's my favorite part of a woman. There's nothing more intoxicating than the clear absence of a penis.

Captain: [Auditioning for the role of a criminal in an undercover mission] I was bad from a young age. At school, I pushed people. And this wasn't horseplay. This was pushing to hurt.

Charles: I was looking for more of an emotional connection. For example, my favorite meal is a simple roast chicken and potatoes. It was the only dish my mother knew how to cook, and when I eat it, I feel as though I am once again inside her womb.
[the Captain stares flatly]
Charles: What's your story behind a PB&J?
Captain: I want a sandwich. I make a sandwich. I eat... a sandwich.

Raymond: Sarcasm... the coward's lie.

Jake: The 92nd Street Y, I had a wonderful symposium on just that topic.
Kevin: That's it. You're getting it.
Jake: Ah, cool, cool, cool, cool, cool, cool, cool.
Captain: Don't say "cool," instead say "indeed."
Jake: Oh, indeed, indeed, indeed, indeed, indeed.
[laughs]
Jake: It's weird.

Gina: Would you tell the sky to stop being so blue?
Captain: Yes, I wish it were tan. It's my favorite color. It's no nonsense.

Dr. Gregory House: I want to get better. Whatever the hell that means. Sick of being miserable.
Dr. Darryl Nolan: So you'd like to be happy.
Dr. Gregory House: Again with the reflecting. Yes! I'd like to be happy.
Dr. Darryl Nolan: Being happy is an excellent goal. Not many patients can crystallize exactly what they're hoping to get out of this.

Dr. Gregory House: I have had relationships.
Dr. Darryl Nolan: You screwed up relationships. Every one of them. Almost like that was the goal. I want you to trust... people.

Officer: I can't believe the two strongest competitors got partnered up. We're a dream team like in the 1992 Summer Olympics.
Jake: Okay, I know you're not talking about basketball, so just tell me what weird sport you think the Dream Team was from.
Officer: Sport? I'm talking about the opening ceremonies. Agnes Baltsa and Alfredo Kraus singing back-to-back arias.

Bob: Chocolate is the devil's carob.
Captain: And carob is Satan's raisin.

Captain: Stupid questions, grammatical errors, lose your train of thought, just ask him to confess... Ooh, relate everything back to those movies you've seen.
Jake: Kinda seems like a shot at me about Die Hard, but okay.
Captain: This is not a comment on you, Peralta. I just wanna bring this guy down.
Jake: Yeah, that's all I want too. And to possibly say, 'You can't handle the tooth!' You know, if it comes up naturally.
Captain: It won't.
Jake: It might.
Captain: I actually think... it can't.

Dr. Darryl Nolan: It looks like you fell on the tip of someone's boot.
Dr. Gregory House: ...I said something that someone objected to.
Dr. Darryl Nolan: Well, if you don't remember then how can you - ?
Dr. Gregory House: That's usually the way it is. Someone hits me. People who kick you when you're down are jerks, but they're generally not irrational jerks.

Jake: [Holt and Jake are going undercover on a mission] Okay, if we wanna get past O'Sullivan's ma, we need undercover personas. I'm thinking you will be Maxwell Maxwell, international playboy and black ops specialist. He'd had affairs on every continent, but his true mistress is danger.
Raymond: I thought you learned your lesson about turning police work into movies.
Jake: Yeah, I did, but this is a movie about reform. I mean, isn't that a movie you'd wanna see?
Raymond: The only movie I wanna see is called "The World of Mosses." It's a documentary about the world of mosses.
Jake: It sounds bad.

Raymond: As many of you know, Madeline and I were bitter rivals, but I've come to realize she held a special place in my life. No one challenged me like she did or made me feel as alive. Our relationship was like an epic chess match. And it's hard to believe that... She'll never make another move.
[He hears a notification on his phone]
Raymond: Unless...
[He checks his phone]
Raymond: No, it's just a notification. Cheddar's doggy toothpaste has shipped. So she is gone, and I wish she were not. I will miss you, Madeline Wuntch.

Captain: Show me the tip.
Jake: [mumbling] Title of your sex tape.

Terry: [Holt has officiated at the wedding] I gotta hand it to you, Captain. That was some ceremony.
Captain: It wasn't difficult. I simply said what I wish had been said when Kevin and I got married.
Kevin: Oh, well, then I never would have heard your hilarious "efficient/officiant" quip.
Captain: Hmm, you're right. I regret nothing. But all this does make me think I might enjoy a more festive expression of our commitment to one another.
Kevin: Are you suggesting we hold an honest to goodness wedding?
Captain: Hmm. Nothing too elaborate. We're not the Kardashian-Wests, after all. They are a musician and a celebrity personality who recently wedded.
Kevin: Yes, yes, I know, they were answers on Jeopardy.
Captain: I think you mean questions.
[Both laugh]
Terry: [pauses] You guys are fun.

Captain: My father never saw my potential. In grade school, I wanted to spend all my free time drawing graphs and charts, but he insisted that I play basketball, as if I cared about slam dunking a three pointer.

Terry: I read to him every night.
Captain: Shakespeare? Tolstoy?
Terry: No, nothing that advanced.
Captain: Ye gods, are you reading him Dickens?

[the Captain is trying to keep the passengers calm in the dining room after the ship is knocked over]
Captain: Now we're not sure exactly what happened here, but our best guess is that we were struck by what is known as a rogue wave. They are rare, they are unpredictable, and they are lethal, Now the good news. The instant this ship was struck, emergency GPS locater beacons were launched, so we are at most, several hours from rescue.
[People start panicking, a few people ask if the ship is sinking]
Captain: Please, do yourselves a favor. Follow the directions of my officers, and stay calm. This room is a giant air bubble holding up the ship. Once these bulkhead doors are sealed, we will be safe from gas leaks, fire, and flooding. We will be saved.

Captain: I made an application to the M. C. Guffin Foundation for a grant to upgrade our office equipment. Unfortunately, they require a video submission. I understand you have some filmmaking experience.
Gina: Well, you know, I've been re-Vined by Rob Kardashian, so, yeah, I'm a director. Here's what I'm picturing: I enter, in, like, a Fellini-style getup. Rosa's dressed like a porcupine...
Captain: [Interrupting] Oh, no, no. We're just gonna do a simple, straightforward tour of the precinct featuring Detective Diaz and me.
Gina: Are you sure? You're not our most dynamic screen presences.
Rosa: I can be dynamic. Exclamation point.
Captain: Well, Diaz and I have that kind of easy chemistry - where we finish each other's...
Rosa: Sentences.
Captain: Please, don't interrupt me. That kind of nonsense won't happen on camera.

Raymond: How can you not know your own wife's phone number?
Jake: It's saved in my phone. Stupid smartphones, making me so dumb by giving me the world's knowledge at my fingertips.
Raymond: Well, I don't know anyone's phone number either, except for Kevin's, and obviously, we can't call him.
Jake: How do you not know a single phone number? I've literally watched you memorize the entire terms and conditions agreement for a credit card.
Raymond: True, but to make room for important information like that, I regularly purge my brain of useless facts like phone numbers or the names of people's children.

Charles: Captain, De Angelo has a place upstate, the local sheriff says there's a car in the driveway right now. He must be there.
Captain: Okay, they're going to have to raid the place without us, it'll take us two hours to get there.
Jake: Or we could take...
Captain: We are not taking a helicopter.
Jake: You know I was going to say "chopper".
Captain: Look, Peralta, I know you're having fun, but a helicopter is exactly the kind of wasteful expenditure that Wuntch will use to bury me if something goes wrong.
Jake: Okay, sir...
Captain: Or. It's the kind of thing she'll crucify me for not getting. "You could've had a copper, Raymond, why didn't you take advantage? Just a minute, my cauldron's boiling over."
Jake: Yeah, but what she actually said was:
[Using strange accent]
Jake: "Chopper's yours, Peralta."
[In his own voice]
Jake: Your impression was better.
Captain: What did you do?
Jake: She may have called me, and I may have briefed her, and she may have said "yes" to the chopper because it's definitely on its way right now!
Charles: I call middle seat!

Jake: [Arriving late for a meeting at work] I'm here! I'm here, I'm here. You can start the meeting now.
Captain: The meeting is over. You're late. You missed roll call and the tutorial on using the new copiers. Six years, and no matter how hard I try, I still can't get you to understand the importance of being punctual.
Jake: Maybe you should just give up and accept me for who I am?
Captain: No, I will break you. Right now.
Jake: Oh.
Captain: While you were out being tardy, I was hard at work devising a special punishment. I've crafted an intricate personal high five with everyone in this office except you.
Jake: What? But you hate high fives.
Captain: Yes, every minute of it was hell. But it'll be worse for you. Squad, dismissed.
[Proceeds to give everyone an individual high five]
Captain: Good-bye, Diaz.
Jake: Salute into a fanny waggle?
Captain: Good-bye, Boyle.
Jake: Oh, the snake charmer!
Captain: Good-bye, Jeffords.
Jake: That's a butt bump.
Captain: Good-bye, Santiago.
Jake: Double fist bump reverse explosion into a Pete Townshend strum.
[sighs]
Jake: All right, that was terrible, but it's over now, and I made it through.
Captain: Good-bye, Leonard from Xerox.
Jake: What? No, no, no. The copy guy?

Jake: The point is, without any good leads, Kelly will give the order to use the stingray an order that we will record thanks to our very own Madeline Wuntch.
Chief: Not possible. Kelly won't tell me anything. He won't even meet with me.
Captain: Perhaps you can sneak in disguised as an old leather chair.
Jake: Will you calm down? She works at One Police Plaza. All you have to do is run into him.
Chief: [fantasy scene] Commissioner Kelly.
John: Oh, Madeline. I didn't see you there. I thought you were an old leather chair.
Jake: [reality] He's not gonna say that.
Captain: He might.

Captain: Now you've done it. You've made me turn my chair.

Captain: I don't like this. I wouldn't wish working with Madeline Wuntch on my worst enemy, and my worst enemy is Madeline Wuntch, whom I hate.

Dr. Darryl Nolan: So where were you thinking during all this?
Dr. Gregory House: That, it was a strange position to be in. At that moment, she was more comfortable with me than with her husband. And he was picking up on it.

Bob: I spent 14 years bringing down a Mexican cartel. You know what they gave me for it? A letter of commendation with my last name misspelled.
Captain: In all fairness, Bob, who spells Anderson with three Ns?

Raymond: I will not be using a loophole, Peralta. As always I will be using the main hole or no hole. I choose no hole.
Charles: You just said "hole" way too much, sir.
Jake: And that's coming from *Charles.*
Raymond: Yes, that is concerning.

Raymond: I'm gonna need you to hand in your badge and gun.
Jake: All right, fine, you can have my badge and gun, but we're doing it in your office so I can slam them down on your desk and yell out, "The system stinks!"
Raymond: Actually, the procedure is to bring your gun and badge down to the equipment room on the second floor, fill out form 452-underscore-J, hand said form in to the inventory clerk, and then receive a claim check through interoffice mail.
Jake: The system stinks!

Gina: I did not follow you to PR to watch you quit. I followed you because you're great and because you make everything you touch better, and I figured PR would be the easiest path to launching my reality show "Linetti, Set, Go."
Captain: I thought your reality show was to be called "Gina in a Bottle."
Gina: No, that was my fragrance line. Keep up.

Jake: Let's bring it in, huh? "Suicide Squad" on three. Ready? One, two...
The: I don't touch other dudes' hands.
Charles: Whose hand is sticky?
Captain: It might be me. I ate a popsicle earlier.
Captain: It's probably Madeline. Cockroaches release a mucus-like secretion.

Raymond: That man is lying. I don't believe Wuntch had another rival. I saw it in her eyes. She only had hate for me.
Rosa: Are you jealous?
Raymond: Of course I am. I despised her with my entire being while she was only despising me with a fraction of hers?

Raymond: [about Madeleine Wuntch] What does that human blister want now? Does she intend to demote me even further? Or perhaps she'll transfer me to the swamps of New Jersey so I can patrol the sinkhole where she was spawned.
Jake: Or it's possible the announcement has nothing to do with you.
Raymond: Oh, good thinking, Peralta. You're right. Maybe Madeline wants to inform us all that she's a Cheuksin.
Jake: A what?
Raymond: A Cheuksin. A Korean toilet ghost, lives in an outhouse, wraps her hair around your throat and chokes you to death while you move your bowels.
Jake: You know what? I will give you $6,000 if the announcement is she's a Cheuksin.

Raymond: I paired a crab cake with a cooked Côtes du Rhne... like an animal.

Raymond: I'm saying the Nine-Nine just became a case study for how a police force can work better with fewer police.
Frank: Are you actually talking about laying off cops?
Raymond: If these numbers persist, I may have no choice.
Frank: Then I'll just end the Blue Flu.
Raymond: Great. That's what I want.
Frank: Then I won't end the Blue Flu.
Raymond: Great. Fewer cops. That's what I want.
Frank: You just said that--
[beat]
Frank: This is a very frustrating conversation.

Jake: I should not have gone to that party. I shouldn't have gone to that bathroom. I should not have arrested her boss.
Terry: I don't see it that way. You did everything right. You were a good cop.
Jake: Good lonely cop.
Terry: Hey, man, you put yourself out there. You weren't breezy. You like Sophia, you fought for her. You should be proud.
Captain: No, you should be changing her auto-correct. What's her last name?
Jake: Perez.
Captain: No. It's "Butt" now. Sophia Butt.

Kevin: [He hears a door open] Oh, no, that's Raymond. That's how he opens a door.
Captain: Kevin, are you still in here?
Kevin: Uh, yes, Raymond, I'm in the stall.
Captain: Some tickets were just released for Mahler's Fourth Symphony this weekend.
Kevin: Great. That sounds great. Let's do it.
Captain: Fantastic. Now, which section do you prefer? The first tier, the second tier, the third tier...
Kevin: The first tier.
Captain: Now, which section of the first tier? Right, left, right center, center...
Kevin: Just any section is fine.
Captain: [laughs] Any section, wow. Someone had pepper on their eggs this morning. I'll buy the tickets.
[chuckles]
Captain: Any section.

Terry: Motorcycles are death machines. I have three kids. I'm not risking it.
Captain: Are you saying my life matters less because I don't conform to society's heteronormative child-centric ideals?
Terry: Are you really playing the gay card right now?
Captain: Yas queen.

[the 54th has just been attached to Col. Montgomery's regiment in the hope of seeing combat. The troops are marching through the regiment's camp]
Cpl. Thomas Searles: Who are these ragamuffins?
John: Contraband soldiers, straight from the field.
Short: Hey, we slaves in the field when the Yankee man come. Say we soldiers.
[to Thomas]
Short: Hey, where from?
Cpl. Thomas Searles: Massachusetts.
Tall: You walk like the bukra soldier, even talk like him!
Cpl. Thomas Searles: [to Rawlins] What'd he say?
John: He says we march like white soldiers. How you like the Army, contraband?
Tall: Oh, we love it! We thank the Lord every day for da good vittles and these beautiful clothes! Every day like kismis!
Cpl. Thomas Searles: [to Rawlins] What?
John: Like Christmas.
Cpl. Thomas Searles: Oh.

Dr. Darryl Nolan: Have you gotten anybody *else* mad at you?
Dr. Gregory House: Well yeah. That's why I call it an ordinary week.

Jake: Terry doesn't want you in there. You make her uncomfortable.
Captain: I make her uncomfortable? Well that's ridiculous. I should go confront her about this at length.

Raymond: Whoever did this is facing a massive suspension, and there's no use hiding because Dillman will smoke you out.
Terry: Right, but is there any way he could hurry it up? So far it's just been a lot of silent pacing.
Raymond: Would you ask a heart surgeon to hurry it up?
Terry: I mean, I would if he was just walking around a room.

Officer: Go, Cheddar. Arcessere. Means fetch. Cheddar's been taking Latin.

Captain: [about Chief Wuntch] We're not going to fight her. She's the devil, and you don't dance with the devil, because you get burned. Also, because in Madeline's case, she has no rhythm, and her hands are like little rat claws.

Captain: Gina, get your whackadoodle out of here.

Raymond: Wuntch's grave.
Rosa: Wow. Did Terry put up a balloon arch just for the heist?
Raymond: No, that was me. I come every week to install a fresh one. But enough chit-chat. Let's dig her up.
Amy: I don't think we wanna do that.
Raymond: Why, are you scared of what she'd look like? She's just a corpse with worms for eyes, no different than when she was alive.

Gina: Captain, I know this isn't my place to say, but Madeline Wuntch is here to see you.
Captain: Actually that's exactly your place to say. You are my assistant. What precisely did you think your job was?
Gina: Ideally? Bullfighter. But it's such a boys' club.

Raymond: It's not bad for an old robot, huh? Beep-borp. Zeep.
Jake: Sir, did you just make a joke?
Raymond: I believe I did, yes. I guess in the end, we rubbed off on each other quite a bit. Title of your sex movie.

Deputy: Hello, Raymond.
Captain: Captain Wuntch. Good to see you. But if you're here, who's guarding Hades?

Charles: I read to him every night.
Captain: Shakespeare? Tolstoy?
Charles: No, nothing that advanced.
Captain: Ye gods, are you reading him Dickens?

Dr. Gregory House: Seriously? Is that your strategy, give everybody what they want, except me?
Dr. Darryl Nolan: You're a natural leader. You could do something useful down here... for them... definitely for you. Or we could keep fighting. If you think you can break me. If you think I'm not every bit as stubborn as you.

Kevin: Look, Raymond. A yellow crested warbler.
Jake: [Does a perfect imitation] Look, Raymond. A yellow crested warbler.
Captain: No, you're too excited. The warbler's a common bird.