The Best Beth Dover Quotes

Linda: I had to hide in the poo to escape a Mexican mongoloid.
Big: Wow! I don't even know which part of that is the most offensive. Impressive!

[about the food]
Linda: This was supposed to have chunks of real carrot in it. And in the picture, there was a sprig of parsley in the bowl. I bet they never serve this with parsley, do they?

Linda: That's extortion.
Big: Oh! I'm sorry. Do you think I was in here because I made an honest living?

Linda: I'll of course want to audition them first, in case they come off as serial killers.
Natalie: Actually, you want the serial killers. Sociopaths tend to be really good actors.

Natalie: What's the point of knocking if you're not gonna wait?
Linda: How did this happen?
Natalie: Do you mean how did rats infiltrate the cheese warehouse, or how did they get that rat into that tiny, little orange jumpsuit?

Linda: I'm not sure I like prison.

Linda: Oh, look, "Shanks For the Memories: A History of Prison Weapons."

Linda: Von Barlow. Pleasure to meet you. I'm the Counterfeit Cunt of Connecticut.
Alex: You mean you're not a real cunt?

Linda: They couldn't find anybody else to give the keynote this year? Gandhi, maybe?
Kip: Oh, I heard they approached him, but his corpse is booked solid.

Piper: We need to work on your posture.
Linda: I have an anterior pelvic tilt.
Alex: You have anterior white privilege. You look like you have too much to live for.
Piper: Walk with oppression. Let me see some persecution in those shoulders.