Top 50 Quotes From Bill Hader

Officer: So you name is just McLovin?
Fogell: Yeah!
Officer: Badass!

Bill: I think Richie said it best.
Richie: I did?
[pause]
Richie: I don't want to die?
Bill: No.
Richie: It's a good thing we're not measuring dicks?
Bill: [laughs] No.
Richie: Let's kill this fucking clown?
Bill: That's it.
Richie: Let's kill this fucking clown!

Monroe: [over phone] Yeah, you've reached Comtel Industries. Why don't you go ahead and leave a message?
[voice mail beeps]
Barry: Fuches... I'm coming for you. You're a fucking dead man.

Richie: [1:57:02] You've got to be fuckin kidding me.

Richie: [Richie] Wanna play truth or dare? Here's a truth, you're a sloppy bitch! Yippee ki yaya mother f...

Milo: You're emotionally unstable.
Maggie: You're a prick!
Milo: You need professional help!
Maggie: Oh, and this coming from a guy who just tried to kill himself.
Milo: [Bitter] Maybe I should try fucking all my problems away.
Maggie: Well maybe next time you should cut deeper
[Tears up at what she said]

Milo: Have you read "Marley and Me?"
Maggie: Yeah. Sad.
Milo: Why is it sad?
Maggie: You don't know what happens?
Milo: No, that's why I'm reading it.
Maggie: Sorry.
Milo: What?
Maggie: Nothing.
Milo: Does the dog die at the end?
Maggie: No. I didn't say that.
Milo: The fucking dog dies at the end.
Maggie: I'm didn't - I'm not saying anything!
Milo: Look how much I had left!
[Milo proceeds to throw the book onto the ground and sighs]
Maggie: I'm sorry I ruined it.
Milo: Maggie, I know the dog dies. Everyone knows the dog dies. It's the book where the dog dies.
Maggie: Asshole. I see you're getting your sense of humor back.
Milo: Yeah, they can't take that away from me.

[the Slug from the start of the film finally makes it to Class]
Slug: [Exhausted] Thank Goodness. I made it. First Day of Class.
[Noticing no-one there but a Janitor]
Slug: Hey, where did everyone go?
Janitor: The School Year's over kid. You *missed* it.
[the Slug behind to leave the room, once again at a Slow Rate]

Four: Spanking a child turns him into a snot. Fear, that's what makes him a man. I know a place where a man's worth is measured by the ears hanging off his dog tags. The real hardcore shit! You wanna make this movie right? That's where you take your pansy ass actors.
Les: [beat] Who is this guy?
Studio: Les, that's Four Leaf.
Four: Sergeant Four Leaf Tayback. I wrote the book.
Les: Wow. You're a great American. This nation owes you a huge debt. Now shut the fuck up and let me do my job!

[It takes the form of a Pomeranian puppy]
Richie: I know your every move, you little bitch.

Barry: Janice, listen. I used to work for a man who who talked me into doing some really bad stuff. But that's not who I am, okay? I, uh, I realized what I was doing was wrong, and I, uh, I did everything I had to do to put it behind me. And I did it. It was hard, but I did it. And everything's so good right now. I'm a good person. I help people out. And if you could just walk away from this and forget about it, everybody's life will be better.
Detective: You know I can't do that, Barry.
Barry: Yes. No, yes, you can. Janice, you can, because we want the same thing. We- We wanna be happy. We want love. We want a life. And we're doing it, Janice. We're the same.
Detective: But we're not. We're not the same, Barry. 'Cause I'm a cop and you're a fucking murderer.

Marge: [as Slava puts car on reverse] What are you doing?
Slava: I'm trying to drive car backwards, like Russian economy under Putin.
Marge: Stop making Putin jokes!
Slava: You sound like police... under Putin.

NoHo: I'm dead man anyway, so you know what? Just do it. Do it.
Barry: Fuck!
NoHo: Oh, my God!
Barry: Fuck!
NoHo: Oh, my God, that was so scary! That was really scary.
Barry: Hank, listen to me.
NoHo: Oh, no.
Barry: We can't - Come on, man. Hank.
NoHo: Oh, my God. Oh, my God! I vomited. I'm sorry. Oh, man, I'm so sorry.
Barry: All right, listen.
NoHo: That was so gross.
Barry: I can't work for you anymore, all right? You gotta find someone else.
NoHo: Well, do you know any other assassins?
Barry: No.
NoHo: Well, what do you want me to do? Go to John Wick Assassin Hotel with help wanted sign? I mean what?
Barry: You got good guys right here, man.
NoHo: Oh, my God, my guys suck balls! You know it! Especially this motherfucker right here!
Akhmal: If I suck balls, you are king of Suck Balls Mountain!
NoHo: Oh, shut the fuck up!
Akhmal: Fuck you!
NoHo: Shut up.
Barry: Look, what if, uh what if I train your guys?
NoHo: They already have physical trainer. They have like three.
Barry: Not at a gym. I'm talking about I'm a Marine, all right? I can teach them how to shoot, combat skills. I don't have to kill anymore, debt paid.
NoHo: You give me army? You turn these pumpkins into Cinderellas overnight, huh? Phew. We could take over Burmese mafia, go back to fifty-fifty with Cristobal.
Barry: Or you could just take the whole thing for yourself.
NoHo: Fifty-fifty with Cristobal. I like the sound of that.
Barry: Look, I need some gear from you, all right? I'll send you a list of things I'm gonna need if we're gonna do this, all right? And we've gotta go out someplace far. Like the desert or some what are you doing?
NoHo: Fifty-fifty. With Cristobal.
Barry: What are you doing? What are you doing?
NoHo: Come on, get up!
Barry: We can't talk to each other on the phone.
NoHo: Fifty-fifty with Cristobal!
Barry: People are looking at us.
NoHo: Fifty-fifty with Cristobal! And Barry's training me an army!
Barry: Hank. Hank! Stop!
NoHo: Oh, my God! That was intense.

Firewater: So, you have learned the terrible truth. Congratulations! Now keep it to yourself, or I'll slit your throat while you sleep. I swear to God.
Honey: Oh my God! Did you guys just fucking hear that?
Ketchup: What? What are you looking at?
[sees Firewater has vanished]
Ketchup: He's gone.
Honey: Where the fuck did he go? I'm, so fucked up. I'm, so fucked up!
[Ketchup tries to touch Honey Mustard]
Honey: Ketchup, Get the fuck off of me! Nobody fucking touch me!

Mike: [53:23] The ritual of chuda. The Chocopea. The first ones who fought it. They were saying all living things must abide by the laws of the shape they inhabit.
Richie: A tribal ritual? Are you fucking kidding me, man?

Richie: This meeting of the Losers Club has officially begun.

[repeated line]
Firewater: Hiya, how are ya?

Milo: Some of us have our secrets, and some of us have our reasons, Maggie.

Barry: [rehearsing line from a script] Hey, Ike, ya shitbird! You wanna little pie? Mr. Cousineau said that I should put some mustard on 'pie' there...
Sally: I'm sorry, can we, um, stop...
Barry: Sure.
Sally: -- for a second? I just - I feel like I need to say something... Barry.
Barry: Okay...
Sally: This piece that I'm doing for class, it's exactly what I should be doing.
Barry: Yeah, I know, and It's great. What you're doing is...
Sally: I'm terrified, okay? Because my piece is real. It's not a character. It's me. Raw, unapologetic truth with a capital T. -- all caps, actually. I'm thinking like a writer now. I mean, this was stuff that I couldn't even talk about without lying. And here I am, about to strip naked in front of a bunch of strangers and share something that I am... .massively ashamed of -- not literally, I don't believe in nudity unless it drives the story forward. I'm afraid that they're gonna judge me, and I'm afraid that Sam's gonna find out and do something crazy. But I have to do this. It's- it's my story to tell. But then, I mean, so many other women have the same story. What, am I a spokesperson for them now -- could I be the face of a movement? I mean, what if I get it wrong? I mean, I resent the fact that Nick can get up there and talk about his stomach condition, and it's not like he has to be the poster boy for bulimia. But I get up there, and whatever I say, it's like, What are we saying about women? I mean, this is just my story! But what if you get it wrong, Sally?I don't know. You can't get it wrong, Sally. But you can't not tell it either, Sally, because it's who. You. Are. Which makes this thing that my agents sent me on today so fucking insulting. 'Payback Ladies'? It's just another shit male idea of what strong women are. Oh, oh, oh, grab a gun and some stilettos and get a goddamn blowout. And look how strong you are now, Sally! It's bullshit! Which, by the way, so is this. It's quite possibly the worst thing I've ever read. But you want to know the worst part? You want to know what's really driving me fucking crazy? I am... so jealous that you're reading for this. I have never had a director's session for a feature -- which is the same thing as a movie, P.S. And I have been doing this for way longer, and... I think you'd agree that I am way... better. I... made you! And I'm actually represented by Gersh. Well, at least I was. I don't even know if they'd rep me anymore after what I said in there today, but still at least I held my ground, because I am an artist, okay? An artist, and this is not fucking... art! But then, I mean, to be honest, of course I'm so happy for you. I mean, of course I want you to get this part, and I want to be the one to help you learn your lines and fix your inflections. But I need you to know that if you do get it, it's gonna make me like... like a hundred times more insane, okay?
[sighs]
Sally: Continue!
Barry: [long pause, then] Hey, Ike, ya shitbird! You wanna little pie?

Firewater: The melody came to me one night when I was getting super, super, SUPER baked. Like fuck-a-guy, baked. You know what I'm saying?
[Frank shakes his head no]
Firewater: Yeah, he does. The song had a great hook and it caught on, I mean, you know... In time, everyone accepted this false truth. But over the years, things started to get a little... fucky.
[flashbacks]
Firewater: The aisles started changing my verses to support their own views, fucking with Twink's tight-ass lyrics, remixing my shit without my permish... Now, every morning when I hear that song, I'm like, 'What the fuck are you guys saying, hey? Wasn't their a part today about exterminating juice? I didn't write that shit, I love juice. Always have, I mean, juice are hilarious. Who the fuck do these guys think they are?'
[back to present]
Firewater: Anyway, at least it's still distracting them from the truth: that they get brutally devoured.

Scientist: Private Miller, you've been smoking item nine for seven minutes and thirteen seconds. We're going to ask you several questions. How do you feel?
Private: Ah, well, sir, I feel like a, like a slice of butter... melting on top of a big-ol' pile of flapjacks... yeah.

UPS: She has no Head or Face.

Manacek: Ah, Clancy. You're looking well... fed.
Chief: See? He deliberately put that pause between those two words!
Manacek: Maybe I did, and maybe I... didn't.
Chief: Well, two can play at that... pause!

Cartman: I've done it. I've infiltrated the NSA, and gained their trust. So far, I've not ascertained how they were able to keep track of everyone in the country, but I'm close. Very close. I just hope that I'm not found out as a whistleblower before I'm able to expose their entire operation
Date: What is that voice?
Alec: Some little faggot in my head.

Barry: I didn't lie to you. I just didn't tell you the part I didn't want to be true.

Officer: Hey kid, what's your real name?
Fogell: Fogell... it's Fogell.
Officer: Fogell? Fuck that, we're calling you McLovin!

Richie: [to Ben and Beverly] Wow, you two look amazing. What the fuck happened to me?

Barry: Ronny! Ronny, really, you're not... you're not at a hundred percent, alright? Just... your throat's broken; you're stoned.

Manacek: A blue-collar Joe suddenly likes modern art? That story and two bits will get you a cup of coffee.
Lisa: What year do you think it is?
Manacek: Hey, who's the shamus here?

Barry: [last words] Oh, wow.

Barry: [troubled] Am I... evil?
NoHo: Huh?
Barry: Am I, like... am I, like, like an evil person?
NoHo: Oh my God! I mean... Absolutely! Do I not tell you that enough? You are like the most evil guy I know, man!

Barry: Hey, Mr. Cousineau, uh... I was wondering, um... do you think I was good enough to be your class?
Gene: No, Barry, I don't. What you did was dogshit. I mean really, really awful. Dumb acting, I call it. Do you know why? Because acting is truth, and I saw no truth. So, here's my advice to you: You go back to whatever nook of the world you call home and you do whatever it is you're good at, because this is not it.
Barry: You wanna know what I'm good at? I'm good at killing people. You know, when I got back from Afghanistan I, ah, was really depressed. You know, like I didn't leave my house for months, and, ah, this friend of my dad's, he's, uh he's like an uncle to me. He, uh, he helped me out and he gave me a purpose. He told me that, that what I was good at over there could be useful here and, uh... It's a job, you know? Alright, the money's good, and, uh, these people I take out, like they're-- they're bad people, you know, like, they're pieces of shit. Um... But lately, you know, I've, like, I'm not sleeping and, ah... That depressed feeling's back, y'know? Like... Like, I know there's more to me than that. But maybe... I don't know, maybe there's not. Maybe this is all I'm good at. I don't know. Anyway, forget it. I'm sorry to bother you.
Gene: What's that from?
Barry: What?
Gene: Are you telling me that was an improvisation? Huh! Interesting. I mean, the story's nonsense, but there's something to work with.

Eddie: [Severely injured after being attacked by It] Richie, I gotta tell you something...
Richie: What's up, buddy?
Eddie: I fucked your mom.
[laughs, then coughs painfully]

Milo: Fucking people.

Frank: If what you're saying is true, I got to tell everyone!
Firewater: Very noble, little sausage. But also, very pointless. No one will believe you.
Frank: I have to try... Everyone will die otherwise.
Firewater: Oh yeah. That's a good point. Fuck me, right?
Frank: Wait. Do you guys have any proof of this?

Lon: It's only fair you get a chance to respond to the accusations that Gene Cousineau's been making against you.
Barry: What's he saying?
Lon: He's saying that you killed her, you kidnapped him, and that you threatened his family.
Barry: He told you that?
Lon: It took over three hours, but, yes, he told me that.

Barry: Wait, whaddyou mean 'we'?
NoHo: We! You! Me! Team Badass! C'mon! Kicking ass, making names!

UPS: Look, I never would have gone inside if-- if uh... the dogs on the street hadn't been going nuts and I hadn't had smelled that smell and the door hadn't been half opened, that's the only reason I went inside.

Richie: [after killing Henry] Guess you could say that was long overdue. Get it? 'Cause we're in a... library.
[Richie vomits]

Gene: Suicide, Barry. Are you not familiar with the Japanese ritual of harakiri?
Barry: The baseball announcer?
Gene: I need you out of my house.

Officer: McLovin? Were you violating that young girl? Were you violating her with your penis?

Firewater: We blaze for real 24/7, no joke, but we also know our shit.

Firewater: Hello there, little sausage. You and your friends have accomplished the impossible and for that, I give you mad props. But, now that you have shattered one truth: It is time for you to learn... that we are not REAL! Booga Booga Booga.
Gum: While tripping balls, Firewater and I made an important meta-psychical breakthrough.
Firewater: The world is a fucking illusion, bro. Our lives are being manipulated for the entertainment of monsters, twisted, tasteless, juvenile monsters, puppet masters in the other dimension! We're something called... Cartoons.
[Frank, Brenda, Kareem, Sammy, Barry and Teresa gasped]
Frank: What?
Firewater: You, Frank... are the plaything of a demented schlubby Jewish actor named:
[the image of actor Seth Rogen]
Firewater: Seth Ro-gan.
Frank: Wait. I'm Jewish?
Sammy: So... who am I?
Gum: You are the toy of a more talented and celebrated actor named:
[the image of actor Edward Norton]
Gum: Ed-ward Nor-ton.
Sammy: Ed-ward Nor-ton? What kind of parent gives their kid a stupid cunt name like that?
Gum: Worry not, friends. I have a solution.

Barry: You wanna know what I'm good at? I'm good at killing people. You know, when I got back from Afghanistan I, ah, was really depressed. You know, like I didn't leave my house for months, and, ah, this friend of my dad's, he's, uh he's like an uncle to me. He, uh, he helped me out and he gave me a purpose. He told me that, that what I was good at over there could be useful here and, uh, it's a job. You know. All right the money's good, and, uh, these people I take out, like they're they're bad people, you know, like they're pieces of shit. Um... But lately, you know, I've like, I'm not sleeping and, ah, that depressed feeling's back, you know. Like, like I know there's more to me than that. Maybe, I don't know, maybe there's not. Maybe this is all I'm good at.

Chief: I don't mind telling you, Manacek: I hope you fall flat on your face!
Manacek: [chuckling] Oh. I hope not. My mother's rather fond of it.
Chief: Damn your wit!

Richie: Thanks for showing up, Stan.

Richie: I love what he's done with the place.

Mr. Grits: We the Non-Perishables, motherfucker.
Twink: We never expire.
Firewater: We are... Immortal. This here's Twink and Grits.
Mr. Grits: They call me Mr. Grits.
Firewater: Eh, Mr. Grits. Whatever.
Mr. Grits: You told him about the crackers?

Studio: Wow. 8 Oscars, 400 million dollars, and you saved Tugg Speedman's career.
Les: I couldn't have done it without you.
Studio: Really?
Les: No, dickhead. Of course I could. A nutless monkey could do your job. Now, go get drunk and take credit at all the parties.
Studio: I wouldn't do that.
Les: Ah... joking.
Studio: Ah, there he is! Funny. You're a funny guy.
Les: Yeah. But seriously, a nutless monkey could do your job.

Firewater: Before us, everyone knew the awful truth.
[flashbacks]
Firewater: Ohhhh, how they screamed. It was a living nightmare. So, we the Non-Perishables created a story, the story of the Great Beyond. A place where the Gods care for you, and all your wildest and wettest dreams would come true. They would go out those doors happy, instead of shitting themselves.