Top 250 Quotes From Bradley Cooper

Will: I know, I just don't want to miss the previews, though. They're, like, my favorite part.

Sydney: It was a little over the top.
Will: Over the top? I'm wearing seat covering, there is no "over the top".

Chris: Mustafa's got his peepers out.
Biggles: This motherfucker is Keyser fucking Söze, bro.

Sydney: Eating newspaper's a condition?
Will: Yeah, yeah. This is what I write about. This is how I make a living. And Lintback says my writing's too judgemental and I'm like, "Well, who cares? She's not gonna read it anyway, she's gonna swallow it."

Will: We live in a world where people drive over other people's cats.

Sydney: Last chance to bail out.
Will: What, are you kidding me? I love this stuff.

Sydney: Sixth grade was an awkward phase for me.
Will: Oh, come on. You, awkward?
Sydney: Yeah. Big teeth and little eyes. And I always was a foot taller than everyone else so I sort of hunched over.

[the Guardians bring Thor aboard]
Peter: How the hell is this dude still alive?
Drax: He is not a dude. You're a dude. This... this is a man. A handsome, muscular man.
Peter: I'm muscular.
Rocket: Who are you kidding, Quill? You're one sandwich away from fat.
Peter: Yeah, right.
Drax: It's true. You have put on weight.
Peter: What?
[Drax gestures at his chin and gut]
Peter: Gamora, do you think I'm...
Mantis: [sensing Thor] He is anxious, angry, he feels tremendous loss and guilt.
Drax: It's like a pirate had a baby with an angel.
Peter: Wow. This is a real wake-up call for me. Okay, I'm gonna get a Bowflex. I'm gonna commit. I'm gonna get some dumbbells.
Rocket: You know you can't eat dumbbells, right?
Gamora: [touching Thor's arms] It's like his muscles are made of Chitauri metal fibers.
Peter: Stop massaging his muscles.

Francie: It's just going to take me six months to get a legitimate liquor license!
Will: So you're hanging out with the Gambino crime family and you're giving me grief about doing drugs?

Jordie: Hi, guys. How's it going? Hey. Is Tiffany home?
Tiffany's: Go away.
Jordie: I know her. I know her, we've dated. We still date.
Pat: What are you doing here?
Jordie: I've called her, I've texted her.
Pat: [to Tiffany's parents] Do you know this guy?
Jordie: I still haven't heard back. We used to work together...
Tiffany's: Just get the hell out of here...
Jordie: I just wanted to give you my card to give to her.
Tiffany's: Another rude creep.
Pat: Listen to what he's saying. Listen to what he's saying.
Jordie: What's he saying?
Pat: He's saying you're being rude.
Jordie: How am I being rude?
Pat: Oh, you know. You know. Come on. Sometimes it's okay with girls like this, they wanna have fun and it's not because they got a broken wing, and they're hurt, and they're an easy target. And in this case, in this particular case, I think that wing is being fixed. And you gotta make sure it gets mended. And you're gettin' in the way of that right now, okay? Because she's sensitive and she's smart, she's artistic. This is a great girl and you gotta be respectful of that. Come on. Let me walk you down to your car. You're a better guy than this. I can see it in your eyes.
Jordie: She just texted me!

Eloise: Just leave me alone! I don't know anything!
Will: See, it's people who say that that always know much more than they think they do.

[referring to Francie]
Will: Iron Chef in there needs me.

Chris: [Chris sees his daughter crying being ignored by the nurse; the nurse is cradling another baby] Hey, that's my daughter!

[from trailer]
[back in Vegas]
Stu: I told myself, I would never come back.
Phil: Don't worry, it all ends tonight...

Rocket: What did you do?
Thor: I went for the head.

Will: Syd, I love you. I can't... I can't trust you. Not anymore. Meeting you... meeting you destroyed my life,

[last lines]
Doug: We look at these pictures together, OK? One time. And then we delete the evidence.
Stu: I say we delete it right now.
Phil: Are you nuts? I want to find out how I went to the hospital. Is that in there?
Alan: Yeah it's in there!
Doug: Guys, one time. Deal?
Phil: Deal!
Stu: Deal.
Alan: OK.
[the four of them look into the camera]
Stu: Oh dear Lord!
Alan: That's classic!

Melissa: I just wish your friends were as mature as you.
Stu: They are mature, actually. You just have to get to know them better.
Phil: [yells from outside] Paging Dr. Faggot. Dr. Faggot!
Stu: I should go.
Melissa: That's a good idea, Dr. Faggot.

Will: I better get going before I get fired, which is inevitable.

[holding hands]
Pat: Wait, what's this?
Tiffany: I thought you were doing it.
Pat: I thought you were doing it.

Jack: You're going to tell your contact you want a meeting. A meeting to take place at your contact's discretion.
Will: Why would he lead me to you knowing that you'd want to flush him out?
Jack: He only told you my name so you would realize that my threat to you was a bluff. That I would never hurt Sydney, even if you continue your investigation. He didn't expect you'd have the guts to contact me.
Will: Oh, well, I'll assume that's a compliment.

Dr. Lilith Ritter: The thing you need to know is, if you displease the right people, the world closes in on you very, very fast.
[showing the scar on her body]
Stanton: What happened to you?
Dr. Lilith Ritter: Life... Life happened to me.

Rocket: Nidavellir is real? Seriously? I mean, that place is a legend. They make the most powerful and horrific weapons to ever torment the universe. I would very much like to go there, please.
Thor: The rabbit is correct and clearly the smartest among you.
Rocket: Rabbit?

Lt. Templeton 'Faceman' Peck: I was trying to save her.
Col. John 'Hannibal' Smith: Save her?
Lt. Templeton 'Faceman' Peck: Yeah.
Col. John 'Hannibal' Smith: SAVE HER?
Lt. Templeton 'Faceman' Peck: Yeah!
Col. John 'Hannibal' Smith: How? Please do share with us your plan, Face!
Lt. Templeton 'Faceman' Peck: ...okay, I hadn't thought about that yet.
Col. John 'Hannibal' Smith: Exactly! I had to!

Col. John 'Hannibal' Smith: [after being arrested again at the end] Nice plan, Face.
Capt. 'Howling Mad' Murdock: Yea, we just trade Lynches and now we're going back to prison.
Col. John 'Hannibal' Smith: We returned the plates, we can hold our heads high. We did the right thing.
Sgt. Bosco 'B.A.' Baracus: Yea, and look what it got us. This is bullshit.
Capt. 'Howling Mad' Murdock: They burned us again, Hannibal. We trusted the system, and it turned on us.
Col. John 'Hannibal' Smith: Remember boys, no matter how random things may appear, there's always a plan... kid.
Lt. Templeton 'Faceman' Peck: I don't mean to steal your line, boss, but
[shows key to handcuffs in mouth]
Lt. Templeton 'Faceman' Peck: I love it when a plan comes together.

Jack: I work in Intelligence. That is all you need to know.
Will: So, the bank, Credit Delphine... that was all just a front cover?
Jack: You and I meet only when and where I decide. Never contact me by any means. Do not call, write, text, email or use any means of communication to contact me. I will contact you.
Will: When you say "intelligence" that means SD-6? Is that some off-the-books government agency...
Jack: We go after the source first. Everything else comes later. Are we clear on that?
Will: Does Sydney know? Jack? Is your daughter a part of this?
Jack: [after a short pause; lying] No, she is not. Now... are we clear?
Will: Yes.
Jack: Do you have a way of contacting your source?
Will: Yeah, it's a transmitter in a pin. I found it in a box of stuff belonging to Eloise Kurtz.
Jack: [surprised] I planted that pin on Eloise Kurtz.
Will: Of course. That's why it's government issued. So, you hired her to play the nonexistent Kate Jones so she could lie to me about being involved with Danny. When she said too much... you had her killed.
Jack: I did not kill her, but I bear some responsibility for her death as do you for involving her in this.
Will: I don't understand why...
Jack: [cutting him off] Focus, Mr. Tippin! Do as I instruct or more people will die!
Will: All right, I'll contact Deep Throat and I'll insist on a meeting...
Jack: [cutting him off again] No! He told you about me! If you insist on a meeting, he will know that it's a set up. You will contact him and tell him you know that I was the one who kidnapped you that night and you are terrified. Then, tell him that you are back on the story. This meeting never took place.

Will: I was kidnapped! The lives of the people I care about were threatened!
Disguised: It's a bluff to scare you off the story.
Will: Well, you know what? It worked. I'm off it.

Phil: [Struggling to climb down a rope off the roof of Caesar's Palace] Agh. I'm okay.
Alan: Hey, Phil!
Phil: What's wrong?
Alan: Hold on a second.
[Gets out phone to take a picture]
Alan: Kick yourself out a little bit.
Phil: Alan...
Alan: Stay still!
Phil: Alan!... Did you get it?

Will: So this is what your life is? Lying to everybody all the time? I've only been doing it for a few days and it's killing me

Officer: [to a group of schoolchildren] Ok, kids, you're in for a real treat today. These gentlemen have kindly volunteered to demonstrate how a stun gun is used to subdue a suspect... Now, there's two ways to use a stun gun: up close and personal
[tasers Stu in the neck; Stu collapses]
Officer: ... or you can shoot it from a distance. Now, do I have any volunteers? You want to come up here and do some shooting, huh? Alright. How about you, young lady? Come on up here.
Officer: Alright. Let's go, handsome. Come on.
[Alan steps forward]
Officer: Not you, fat Jesus. Slide it on back.
[to Phil]
Officer: You, pretty boy.
Officer: [to girl] Alright. Now, it's real simple. All you got to do is point, aim and shoot. Alright?
Phil: You don't really want to do this.
Officer: You can do this. Just focus.
Phil: Don't listen to this maniac. Let's think this thing through.
Officer: *Finish him!*
[the girl tasers Phil]
Officer: Right in the nuts! That was beautiful! Well done! Giver her a hand, everybody. Good job! Well done! Good job! That was great!
Officer: Look, hey, we got one more charge left. Anybody want to do some shooting up here? How about you, big man? Come on up here. Okay, same instructions: just point, aim and shoot. There y'go. That's the stuff. I like the intensity, eye of the tiger. You're holding 50,000 volts, little man. Don't be afraid to ride the lightning.
[the kid tasers Alan]
Officer: *In the face! In the face!*

Avery: [Avery just received his medal and is giving a speech] When I was in law school, we used to always talk about justice. We'd have discussions about justice. But that's just what they were, discussions . I joined the police force because I wanted to work alongside the brave men and women who know that some problems can't be solved by talking. And no one wants to be in the situation that I found myself in a couple of weeks ago. I certainly wished it turned out differently. I'm not gonna lie, sometimes I have a wish that sometimes it wasn't me who was called upon that house that day. But that's the job. And I can't think of another line of work I'd rather be in. Thank you.

Groot: I am Groot.
Rocket: He hates hats.
Groot: I am Groot.
Rocket: On anyone, not just himself.
Groot: I am Groot.
Rocket: [to Yondu] One minute you think someone has a weird-shaped head, the next minute it's just because you realize part of that head is the hat.
Rocket: [to Groot] That's why you don't like hats?

Pat: It's electric between us! Okay, yeah, we wanna change each other, but that's normal, couples wanna do that. I want her to stop dressing like she dresses, I want her to stop acting so superior to me, okay? And she wanted me to lose weight and stop my mood swings, which both I've done. I mean, people fight. Couples fight. We would fight, we wouldn't talk for a couple weeks. That's normal. She always wanted the best for me.
Tiffany: Wow.
Pat: She wanted me to be passionate and compassionate. And that's a good thing. You know? I just, look, I'm my best self today, and I think she's her best self today, and our love's gonna be fucking amazing.
Tiffany: It's gonna be amazing, and you're gonna be amazing, and she's gonna be amazing, and you're not gonna be that guy that's gonna take advantage of a situation without offering to do something back. So think about the dance thing.
[Tiffany turns and walks off]

Michael: Hey, Will. I got your psych report back. You did well.
Will: I'm not a sociopath.
Michael: Well, I didn't say that.
Will: Do I have a job?
Michael: Yes.
Will: A paying job?
Michael: Yes. As an analyst. You'll be asked to review classified documents and file reports. Think of it as writing articles only now your source material is classified. In fact, your cover is a journalist.

Rocket: [to Taserface] What was your second choice? Scrotum Hat?

Will: When I was in sixth grade, I was sort of anonymous. You know, you had the smart kid, and the funny kid, and the good athlete. And I was just Will.

Tiffany: Hey!
Pat: What the fuck? I'm married!
Tiffany: So am I!
Pat: What the fuck are you doing? Your husband's dead!
Tiffany: Where's your wife?
Pat: You're crazy!
Tiffany: I'm not the one who just got out of that hospital in Baltimore.
Pat: I'm not the big slut!... I'm sorry... I'm sorry... I'm sorry.
Tiffany: I was a big slut, but I'm not any more. There's always going to be a part of me that's sloppy and dirty, but I like that. With all the other parts of myself. Can you say the same about yourself fucker? Can you forgive? Are you any good at that?

Irving: I'm going out for dinner with Carmine and the wives out in Camden.
Richie: Who?
Irving: Carmine, and myself, and the wives.
Richie: What? Without me?
Irving: He doesn't like you, what do you want from me? I got him to take the money, you got him on tape, I mean, I can't make him like you. I did my job.

Richie: [while seducing Sydney] You know, we're taking down a very... important... politician.

Chris: God, country, family, right?

Marshall: Doug is my insurance. He stays with me. You don't get me Chow, I blow his brains out. You go to the cops, I blow his brains out.
Phil: But, that's insane! We don't even know where the fuck he is!
Marshall: Nobody does, but I figure the Wolf Pack has the best chance of finding him. You have three days. Get to work.
Alan: Can you take Stu instead?
Stu: Fuck you, Alan!

Mr. Chow: Who sent you?
Phil: No one! No. We just wanted to see you!
Mr. Chow: Liar! No one wants to see Chow!

Taya: Hello?
Chris: Baby?
Taya: Baby I can't hear you!
Chris: I'm ready. I'm ready to come home. I'm ready to come home baby!

Pat: I don't have an iPod. I don't have a phone. They don't let me make calls. I'm going to call Nikki.

Lt. Templeton 'Faceman' Peck: [after breaking Murdock out the team speeds away from Sosa who starts firing] She's actually shooting at us!
Capt. 'Howling Mad' Murdock: [Murdock pokes his head out of the escape vehicle wearing 3D glasses] You should see these bullets in 3D!
Sgt. Bosco 'B.A.' Baracus: Murdock, get in here!
Capt. 'Howling Mad' Murdock: It's like we're actually being shot at!
Sgt. Bosco 'B.A.' Baracus: We are getting shot at you crazy ass fool!

Alan: She's my soulmate and my new best friend. Plus, she lets me mount her, which relaxes me.
Phil: Oh my God.
Doug: Uh, Alan, maybe never say that part again.
Alan: Chillax, Doug. We're all adults here. I know you mount my sister. I've seen it. Many times.

Marshall: Well, it's a sub-derma device placed just below the skull at the base of the brain stem. I've never seen one this small before. It's like they patched a radio receiver to a powerful micro-charger.
Will: [Sydney, Jack, and Sloan share worried looks] So what-what does that mean?
Marshall: It means that they-they put a bomb in your head.
Will: What?
Marshall: I know, I know. Um... but there's good news. It looks like the charge is small enough that the blast will be localized.
Will: Waitwaitwait - So it might not kill me?
Marshall: No. It will definitely kill you. There just won't be any collateral damage.
Sydney: Marshall. How do we get it out of him?
Marshall: Well, um, we could perform a surgical procedure, but I'm worried there's a gyroscopic fail-safe. I mean, there is a very real chance that if we try to remove it, uh... Will's head could explode.
Jack: Get medical in here. I want a full extraction scenario.
Will: What? No! Didn't you hear what he said about the exploding?
Sydney: Will... Calm down.
Will: Sydney, how am I supposed to calm down when there's a bomb in my head?

Francie: Hey.
Will: What's up?
Sydney: Where you been?
Francie: Okay, listen. Every time I walk into the room lately, you guys hush up as if I'm interrupting something. I mean, am I?
Will: What? No.

Gary: I'm sorry, I don't wanna make you any later than you already are. You can leave.
Jon: ...look at you. You cocky motherfucker.

Rocket: This is Thanos we're talking about. He's the toughest there is
Thor: Well, he's never fought me.
Rocket: Yeah, he has.
Thor: He's never fought me twice.

Will: You have to admit, my accent was pretty good. It was, like, early Stones.
Sydney: I thought it was Australian.

Thor: You know, I'm 1500 years old. I've killed twice as many enemies as that. And every one of them would have rather killed me than not succeeded. I'm only alive because fate wants me alive. Thanos is just the latest of a long line of bastards, and he'll be the latest to feel my vengeance - fate wills it so.
Rocket: Mm-hmm. And what if you're wrong?
Thor: Well, if I'm wrong, then... what more could I lose?
[Thor walks away]
Rocket: [mutters] Well, I could lose a lot. Me, personally, I could lose a lot.

Will: Sodium thiopental, like a truth serum? They are going to give me that.
Jack: I would.
Will: Great.
Jack: Don't worry. I will be monitoring you the whole time. You have your cover story straight?
Will: They are going to kill me, aren't they?
Jack: If they wanted that, you would have been dead long ago.

Phil: [a kid tries to ask him a question at school] It's the weekend, Budnick. I don't know you. You do not exist.

Alan: Leslie, get down from there! Please, you're gonna hurt yourself!
Mr. Chow: Nothing hurts Chow. I am invisible!
Phil: It's invincible, and you're not, you're just out of your fucking mind!

Will: Who would live a double life like that?
Sydney: There are people.

Will: You ever have a dream where you're back at school and they won't let you graduate because you failed a test? I had that last night.
Michael: Well, we don't screen for general knowledge. It's strictly a psych profile.
Will: So I can't fail but I can find out I'm a sociopath.

Sydney: We received a file, a DNA string, of the person who was doubled.
Will: And?
Sydney: Your DNA didn't match and there was no Provacillium in your blood. You've been cleared.

Will: Jenny listen, I think you're great. You're smart and you're beautiful and I think we've had a lot of fun. But you and I, I just don't think that we...
[Jenny stops the car]
Jenny: Are you breaking up with me? I drive all the way out here with a broken radio by the way and you're... you're going to break up with me!

Lt. Templeton 'Faceman' Peck: [about to try and shoot down drones in the tank] Hey Bosco, I'm a little stuffy. I'm gonna pop a window!

Richie: You got any other questions?
Paco: Yeah, I think the name of this operation is offensive. What, Abscam? "Arab-scam"? It's racist!
Irving: Are you fucking kidding? What do you care? You're Mexican.

Jon: How about your dad? You have a good relationship with your dad?
Alana: Yeah.
Jon: What does he do?
Alana: Real estate.
Jon: Did he reach you how to drive? You're good at it! It's not easy... Gary can't do it.

Sgt. Bosco 'B.A.' Baracus: [Murdock has dropped cargo crushing Baracus' van] You pancaked my van! I'm gonna kill you, fool!
Capt. 'Howling Mad' Murdock: You can't park there! That's a handicap zone!
Lt. Templeton 'Faceman' Peck: This is a mistake!

Will: It was Julia Thorne. She told me your name. She needs to see you. She trusts you, but she's in danger.
Lazarey: Did they find it? Have they been to Graz?

[Marshall brings Stu, Phil, and Alan to his villa]
Marshall: Leslie Chow never lived here. You didn't break into his old house, you broke into MY house.
Phil: I don't understand.
Marshall: You didn't get back the gold he stole from me. You got the other half that he didn't.
Stu: Oh, my GOD!
Phil: You mean the half he never had?
Marshall: He's a world-class rat, and you 3 were his accomplices.
Stu: We had no idea!
Phil: We were trying to help you! We thought you'd be happy!
Marshall: [sarcastically] Thank you so much! Thank you for ripping me off! Thank you for desecrating my home! And THANK YOU FOR KILLING MY FUCKING DOGS!
Stu: We didn't kill your dogs! They're just tranquilized.
Marshall: Oh, right. You don't know. Chow snapped their necks on his way out.
Stu: What?
Black: And somebody's gotta pay.
Marshall: He's right.
[points his gun at the Dougs]
Doug: No no no no, NO!
[Marshall shoots Black Doug and his body splashes into the pool]
Marshall: My head of security, couldn't stop 3 fuck-ups and a Chinaman with a pair of wire cutters. Unreal.

Jon: My only problem in life is that I love tail too much. I love it. I love it so much. I love it so much. Is that your sister?
Gary: No.
Jon: It's your girlfriend?
Gary: No.
Jon: I love it so much, it's gonna kill me one day. You know how much tail I get?
Gary: No.
Jon: All of it. It's all mine.

Tiffany: Listen, I haven't dated since before my marriage so I don't really remember how this works.
Pat: How what works?
Tiffany: I saw the way you were looking at me, Pat. You felt it, I felt it, don't lie. We're not liars like they are. I live in the addition around back, which is completely separate from my parents' house, so there's no chance of them walking in on us. I hate the fact that you wore a football jersey to dinner because I hate football, but you can fuck me if you turn the lights off, okay?

Will: Sydney tells me you're doing analysis for the bank.
Jack: Strategy. Investment strategy. Arvin made me an offer I couldn't refuse.
Emily: Oh, that sounds like my husband!

Pat: How old are you?
Tiffany: Old enough to have a marriage end and not wind up in a mental hospital.

Chris: The thing that, uh... haunts me are all the guys that I *couldn't* save.

Tony: [seeing Thor] What's wrong with him?
Rocket: He's pissed. He thinks he failed. Which, of course he did, but you know, there's a lot of that going around, ain't there?

Navy: Would you be surprised if I told you that Navy has credited you with... over 160 kills?
Chris: [Hums]
Navy: Do you ever think that... you might have seen things or... done some things over there that you wish you hadn't?
Chris: Oh, that's not me. No.
Navy: What's not you?
Chris: I was just protecting my guys, they were trying to kill... our soldiers and I... I'm willing to meet my Creator and answer for every shot that I took.
Chris: The thing that... haunts me are all the guys that I couldn't save.
Chris: Now I'm willing and able to... be there but I'm not, I'm here I quit.
Navy: You can walk down any hall in this hospital. Looks like plenty soldiers need saving.
Chris: [Hums]
Navy: You want to take a walk?
Chris: Sure.

Rocket: Do you know why I did it, Star-Munch? Hmm?
Peter: I'm not gonna answer to "Star-Munch."
Rocket: I did it because I wanted to!
Peter: Dick.
Rocket: What are we even talking about this for? We just had a little man save us by blowing up fifty ships!
Drax: How little?
Rocket: [holding his thumb and forefinger close together] Well, I don't know, like this?
Gamora: [skeptically] A little one-inch man saved us?
Rocket: Well, if he got closer, I'm sure he would be much larger.
Peter: It's how eyesight works, you stupid raccoon.
Rocket: *Don't call me a racoon*!
Peter: I'm sorry. I took it too far. I meant trash panda.
[Rocket looks around in confusion]
Rocket: Is that better?
Drax: I don't know.
Peter: [snickering] It's worse. It's so much worse.

Rocket: What did the galaxy ever do for you? Why would you want to save it?
Peter: Because I'm one of the idiots who lives in it!

Peter: I have a plan.
Rocket: You've got a plan? Okay, first of all, you're copying me from when I said I had a plan.
Peter: I'm not copying you, I have a plan, that's not that unique of a thing to say.
Rocket: And secondly, I don't think you even have a plan.
Peter: I have part of a plan.
Drax the Destroyer: What percentage of a plan do you have?
Gamora: You don't get to ask questions after the nonsense you pulled on Knowhere!
Drax the Destroyer: I just saved Quill!
Peter: We've already established that you destroying the ship I'm on is not saving me!
Drax the Destroyer: When did we establish that?
Peter: Like three seconds ago!
Drax the Destroyer: Well I wasn't listening then, I was thinking of something else...
Rocket: She's right, you don't get an opinion... What percentage?
Peter: I dunno... Twelve percent?
Rocket: Twelve percent?
[starts laughing]
Peter: That's a fake laugh.
Rocket: It's real!
Peter: Totally fake!
Rocket: That is the most real, authentic, hysterical laugh of my entire life because THAT IS NOT A PLAN!
Gamora: It's barely a concept.
Peter: [to Gamora] You're taking their side?
Groot: I am Groot.
Rocket: So what, "It's better than eleven percent!" What the hell does that have to do with anything?
Peter: [to Groot] Thank you Groot, thank you. See? Groot's the only one of you who has a clue.
Groot: [Groot begins to chew on a leaf protruding from his shoulder]

Tiffany: Why did you order raisin bran?
Pat: Why did you order tea?
Tiffany: Because you ordered raisin bran.
Pat: I ordered raisin bran because I didn't want there to be any mistaking it for a date.
Tiffany: It can still be a date if you order raisin bran.

Avery: [Avery puts the money the cops stole from Romina's house on Chief Weirzbowski's table] I should have brought this to you sooner, I apologize. This is recovered from a house during a search...
Chief: [Chief puts his hand up] No no no no. Wait a minute Cross.
Avery: That's just the small fraction of what's goin' on...
Chief: Wait a minute Cross. Don't say another word.
Avery: What do you mean?
Chief: No no no, don't say another word.
[the chief leans forward in his chair and shakes his head]
Chief: What'd you expect me to do with this?
Avery: You're joking right?
Chief: This is shit!
Avery: Chief!
Chief: This aint' my problem, alright? This is your problem.
Avery: This is our problem of the fucking police department and I'm bringing it to your attention, because that's what I should fucking do!
Chief: Oh yeah, is that right?
Avery: Yeah!
Chief: Is that what you should do? Rat out other fuckin' cops! This is un-fuckin-believable, alright?
[the Chief picks up the money with a tissue and throws it at Avery]
Chief: Get this shit outta here!

Stu: Why don't we remember a God damn thing from last night?
Phil: Obviously because we had a great fucking time.

Desk: Checking in?
Will: [with British accent] Of course. I'm here, she's here. We made it.
Desk: And you are...?
Sydney: We're the next big thing.

Peter: You put your turd in my bed, I shave you.
Rocket: Oh, it won't be my turd. It'll be Drax's.
Drax: [laughs] I have famously huge turds.

Col. John 'Hannibal' Smith: General Tuco, you are currently engaged in unauthorized warfare on United States Military Personnel.
Lt. Templeton 'Faceman' Peck: No no no no no no, you engaged me!
Col. John 'Hannibal' Smith: Repeat, you are engaged in unauthorized warfare on United States Military Personnel... over United States airspace.
General: What?
Col. John 'Hannibal' Smith,879: Alpha. Mike. Foxtrot! In other words, Adios Mother F...!
General: Oh, no...
[Tuco gets shot down by an F-22 Raptor]

Doug: Tracy did mention we shouldn't let him gamble. Or drink too much.
Phil: Jesus, he's like a gremlin. Comes with instructions and shit.

[Over dinner at Sloane's house Emily talks about an article Will wrote]
Emily: Anyway Maroma was one of these workers smuggled in from Mexico, their boss was a monster.
Will: He was the devil, he was literally the devil.
Arvin: How's that?
Emily: Well, if you spoke out against him, if you tried to leave, he'd have you killed.
[Jack stares at Sydney, she stares at Sloane]

Will: [reading from a book] "Laura, all my love forever and a day. Jack." That's not, like, your dad Jack, is it?
Sydney: Yeah.
Will: Wow. That's uncharacteristically sweet of him.
Sydney: I know. He actually has a heart, which I'm learning little by little.

Ben: You may be the best friend I've ever had.

Phil: To a night the four of us will never forget!

Groot: I am Groot.
Peter: Well that's just as fascinating as the first 89 times you told me that. What is wrong with Giving Tree here?
Rocket: Well he don't know talkin' good like me and you, so his vocabulistics is limited to "I" and "am" and "Groot," exclusively in that order.
Peter: Well I tell you what, that's gonna wear real thin, real fast, bud.

Groot: I am Groot.
Rocket: Asleep for the danger, awake for the money, as per frickin' usual.

Lt. Templeton 'Faceman' Peck: Alpha, Mike, Foxtrot! In other words, Adios... Mother... !

Francie: Can you not be reporter for two minutes?
Will: I am asking because I care. This thing is weird... something like this happening to you. First it's Danny and now it's...
Francie: Leave her alone or I'm going to kick your ass, I'm not kidding.

Phil: [his answering machine message] Hey, this is Phil. Leave me a message, or don't, but do me a favor: don't text me, it's gay.

Tiffany: You know what, forget I offered to help you. Forget the entire fucking idea, because that must have been fucking crazy, because I'm so much CRAZIER than you!
Pat: [Indifferent] Keep your voice down.
Tiffany: I'm just the crazy slut with a dead husband!
Tiffany: [Tiffany laughs insanely]
Pat: [Still mostly indifferent] Shut the fuck up.
Tiffany: [Yelling] Fuck you!
Tiffany: [Tiffany sweeps everything off the table onto the floor]
Tiffany: [Walking away] You shut the fuck up!

Gamora: And Quill, your ship is filthy.
Gamora: [She walks away]
Peter: Oh she has no idea. If I had a blacklight, this would look like a Jackson Pollock painting.
Rocket: You got issues, Quill.

Will: But in the hell-hath-no-fury department, I figure this woman would pay us to mess with her ex.

Jenny: You don't take me seriously, do you?
Will: No, I don't.

Sydney: [on the phone with Jack] I'm in the middle of Taipei. I just got free. Is Vaughn with you?
Jack: No, we haven't heard from him. Sydney, you have to get to the plane now.
Sydney: Dad, I have to go back for him.
Jack: No, there's no time! The Taiwanese authorities will check this airstrip.
Sydney: I can't leave him behind. Hold the plane, I have to back to the lab.
Sydney: Sydney, wait!
Will: Who's Vaughn?

Alan: [looks at his manual] It says here we should work in teams. Who wants to be my spotter?
Doug: I don't think you should be doing too much gambling tonight, Alan.
Alan: Gambling? Who said anything about gambling? It's not gambling when you know you're gonna win. Counting cards is a foolproof system.
Stu: It's also illegal.
Alan: It's not illegal. It's frowned upon, like masturbating on an airplane.
Phil: I'm pretty sure that's illegal too.
Alan: Yeah, maybe after 9/11, where everybody got so sensitive. Thanks a lot, bin Laden.

Lt. Templeton 'Faceman' Peck: Lynch is a paradox. He's a guy who needs animosity, but he loves theatricality. He's an administrator, he's not an operator. So he stays as far away from the point of impact as possible, and never gets his hands dirty if he can help it. But we're gonna change all that. This guy is never at the flashpoint of anything, he's safe and sound somewhere pulling the strings. So we're gonna bring this guy down to ground level, the last place he'd ever want to be. Then you put him on display, for the whole world to see...

Rocket: [scans a small child] Look at this thing. It thinks it's so cool. It's not cool to ask for help! Walk by yourself, you little gargoyle!

Stanton: Sometimes you don't see the line until you cross it.

Col. John 'Hannibal' Smith: Your Honour, these men were acting under my command. Any judgment should be levied on me and me alone.
Lt. Templeton 'Faceman' Peck: Absolutely not, sir! We were all participating in this operation willingly!
Sgt. Bosco 'B.A.' Baracus: I won't be tried separately.
Capt. 'Howling Mad' Murdock: I refuse to be tried separately.

Will: What was that eye scan?
Sydney: It's a test. It analyzes your retina. Someone who's been doubled develops proteins. They're like markers. They found proteins.

Will: And I look up and everybody from the office is just staring at me. So I left my office this afternoon for, like, the last time. I got a lot of, like, "Take care, man." I got a lot of that.
Sydney: I'm so sorry, Will.
Will: Hey, I'm sitting here. I'm on a couch. I'm alive
Will: . Is anybody listening to us right now?
Sydney: No. That lamp has a bug killer in it. So we're safe here.

Francie: Okay, the next time that Charlie and I go to breakfast with our parents, remind me that mimosas are verboten.
Sydney: Oh, God, today was a big brunch.
Will: They didn't get along?
Francie: Oh, we wish. They got along so well they are going on a vacation together.
Sydney: Ew.
Francie: Yeah.
Will: What's wrong with that? That's nice.
Francie: That is a making of a disaster. They are going without us and they are going to plan a whole wedding.

Phil: No that's perfect, that's like a three hour drive from here.
Alan: Yeah Stu, try reading a map.
Stu: Yeah Alan, try reading... anything... ever.
Alan: Yeah Stu, try having not such big horse teeth.

Star: Here you go.
[Quill presents the prosthetic leg Rocket requested]
Rocket: Oh, I was just kidding about the leg. I just need these two things.
Star: What?
Rocket: [laughing] No, I thought it'd be funny! Was it funny? No, wait, what'd he look like hopping around?
Star: I had to transfer him 30,000 units!
Rocket: [chittering laughter]

Will: Okay, okay, whatever, it sucks, all right? But it's why I wanted to become a reporter. I saw this when I was a kid and I loved it. And I was just like, I don't know, all the quick...
Francie: Repartee.
Will: Yeah, yeah, yeah. I mean, it just looked fun. You know, being a reporter looked fun. But it's not. It's not fun. It's a pain in the ass.

Pat: We have a very unconventional chemistry, it makes people feel awkward, but not me. Alright? She's the most beautiful woman I've ever been with. It's electric between us! Okay, yeah, we wanna change each other, but that's normal, couples wanna do that. I want her to stop dressing like she dresses, I want her to stop acting so superior to me, okay? And she wanted me to lose weight and stop my mood swings, which both I've done. I mean, people fight. Couples fight. We would fight, we wouldn't talk for a couple weeks. That's normal. She always wanted the best for me.
Tiffany: Wow.
Pat: She wanted me to be passionate and compassionate. And that's a good thing. You know? I just, look, I'm my best self today, and I think she's her best self today, and our love's gonna be fucking amazing.
Tiffany: It's gonna be amazing, and you're gonna be amazing, and she's gonna be amazing, and you're not gonna be that guy that's gonna take advantage of a situation without offering to do something back. So think about the dance thing.
[Tiffany turns and walks off]

Stanton: Same grift different threads.

Rocket: [jumps on Groot who is fighting the sentry bots] You idiot! How am I supposed to fight these things without my stuff?
Drax the Destroyer: Creepy little beast!
[throws a machine gun to Rocket]
Rocket: Oh yeah!

Jon: How big is your penis hole?
Gary: ...normal-sized?
Jon: How do you know that?

Marc: You got some kind of saviour complex?
Chris: No. I just want to get the bad guys, but if I can't see them I can't shoot them.

[Jack prepares Will for his meet with Khasinau]
Jack: You'll be picked up by men in a van, they'll be armed.
Will: Okay.
Jack: You'll be blindfolded and taken to another location.
Will: Okay, I know what that feels like.
Jack: But they will not hurt you, they need you.
Will: But they're going to take me to "deep throat".
Jack: Or someone who works for him.

Will: [making a statement to the press for SD-6 to hear] My problem with heroin goes back three years. I'm embarrassed for myself and for my family when I tell you that most of what I've written in that time has been complete fiction including my most recent report about an organization that I called SD-6. These were desperate attempts...

June: And on the eve of your first front-page story, you suddenly get cold feet.
Will: What are you saying? What are you saying? I made this whole thing up? Look, I swear to God, the only reason I didn't want this story to run is 'cause I don't want to hurt Sydney Bristow. That's it.
June: You're a talented writer, Will. But I promise you, if anything like this ever happens again, the only thing you'll be inventing are facts on your own resume.

Veronica: [Demonstrating the iPod player on the wall] I can play music for the baby in any room.
Pat: Can you play "Ride the Lightning" by Metallica?

Michael: I didn't think Devlin, my superior, would mind me having you research this, but he did and he ordered me to let you go.
Will: Hold on. Wait a second. There's something here. Okay, look, I'll narrow the test scores down to a small group of kids. Now Devlin won't be able to deny the value of that.
Michael: He thinks since you're a journalist, since you've been trained to report what you know, that you're a security risk.

Michael: No suit, huh?
Will: It's been a while since I tried it on, or worked out apparently. So it makes me overwhelmed and fat.

Thor: I can't do this. I shouldn't be here, I shouldn't have come. This is a bad idea.
Rocket: Come here.
Thor: [starts breathing heavily] No, no, I think I'm having... I'm having a panic attack.
Rocket: Come here.
Thor: I shouldn't be here. This is... this is ba...
[Rocket slaps Thor in the face]
Rocket: You think you're the only one that lost people? What do you think we're doin' here? I lost the only family I ever had. Quill, Groot, Drax, the chick with the antenna - all gone! Now, I get that you miss your mom, but she's gone. *Really* gone. And there are plenty of people who are only *kinda* gone. And you can help them. So is it too much to ask that you brush the crumbs out of your beard, make schmoopy talk to pretty pants and when she's not lookin', suck out the Infinity Stone and help me get my family back?
Thor: [tearing up] Okay.
Rocket: Are you crying?
Thor: [wheezing] No... yes.

- And eat a salad.
- Come on, we gotta go.
- Goodbye.
Rocket: Three...
- Two...
- No, wait!
- What am I looking at?
- Oh, sometimes it takes a second.

Will: [to Vaughn] Look, except for you, Sydney, and Jack, everybody I know - and a lot of people I don't - they think I'm a lying junkie, okay? And helping you, doing something for the CIA, it felt like a chance to do something that mattered again, you know? Like, I don't know, maybe I went through all this crap for a reason.

[first lines]
Chris: It's a fuckin' hot-box.
soldier: The fuckin' dirt here tastes like dog shit.
Chris: Ah, well you'd know, wouldn't you?

Rocket: Quill said he stole the Power Stone from Morag.
Bruce: Is that a person?
Rocket: Morag's a planet, Quill was a person.
Scott: A planet? Like in outer space?
Rocket: Oh, look, it's like a little puppy, all happy and everything. Do you want to go to space, puppy? I'll take you to outer space!

Will: Do you wanna eat your food?
Sydney: I want to finish with my clothes first so I could feel like I live here.

Sydney: I'm sorry I was snippy with you about my job.
Will: Oh, no. It's your job, you know. You are allowed to be.
Sydney: I was a jerk. Sorry I was a jerk.

Yondu: You can fool yourself and everyone else, but you can't fool me. I know who you are.
Rocket: You don't know anything about me, loser.
Yondu: I know everything about you. I know you play like you're the meanest and the hardest but actually you're the most scared of all.
Rocket: Shut up!
Yondu: I know you steal batteries you don't need and you push away anyone who's willing to put up with you 'cause just a little bit of love reminds you of how big and empty that hole inside you actually is.
Rocket: I said shut up!
Yondu: I know them scientists what made you, never gave a rat's ass about you!
Rocket: I'm serious, dude!
Yondu: Just like my own damn parents who sold me, their own little baby, into slavery! I know who you are, boy, because you're me!
Rocket: ...What kind of a pair are we?
Yondu: The kind that's about to go fight a planet, I reckon.
Rocket: All right, okay! Good, that's... Wait. Fight a what?

Jon: Do you like peanut butter sandwiches?

Prison: Wait a minute, what is this? A lap pool, a dry steam room?
Lt. Templeton 'Faceman' Peck: Yea it'll go a long way with the boys.
Prison: How in the hell do you pull this off?
Lt. Templeton 'Faceman' Peck: It's not who you know Bob, it's how you know them. Oh, did your boy get back from Afghanistan?
Prison: Yea, thanks for getting him home. His mother and I are real grateful.

Richie: What's the ending of the ice fishing story?
Stoddard: I'm not telling you the end of the ice fishing story!
Richie: I'm going to call your fuckin' brother to find out the end.
Stoddard: My brother's *dead*!
Richie: That's how it ends! He fell through the fuckin' ice!
Stoddard: No, that's not... He died a different way, many years later!

[Groot is playing a video game called Defender. Peter Quill turns to Groot]
Peter: Groot, put that thing away. Now, I don't wanna tell you again... Groot?
Groot: [in a mocking tone] I am Groot!
Peter: Whoa!
Rocket: Language!
Mantis: Hey!
Drax: Wow.
Peter: You got some acorns on you, kid.
Rocket: Ever since you got a little sap, you're a total D-hole.
[turns to Groot, angrily]
Rocket: Now, keep it up and I'm gonna smash that thing to pieces!

Tiffany: You love me?
Pat: Yeah, I do.
Tiffany: Okay.
[kisses him]

Alan: What if Doug's dead? I can't afford to lose somebody close to me again, it hurts too much. I was so upset when my grandpa died.
Phil: How'd he die?
Alan: World War II.
Phil: Died in battle?
Alan: No, he was skiing in Vermont, it was just during World War II.

[first lines]
Richie: What are you doing, going behind my back? Telling people I'm screwing up this operation? I got you a suite at the fucking Plaza Hotel.
Irving: The shittiest suite at the Plaza Hotel.

Francie: So, what's going on with work? You always talk about work and you haven't even mentioned it today.
Will: I wasn't working on a S.A.T. story. When I bumped into you guys? There is no S.A.T. story. I was trying to track down a woman named Kate Jones. She was supposed to be seated next to Danny on a flight from Singapore to Hong Kong.

Capt. 'Howling Mad' Murdock: [Flying the C-130] Ladies and gentleman we are expecting some slight turbulence so please remain in your seats until the captain has turned off the fasten seatbelts sign. Don't worry boys, turbulence has never brought down a plane!
Lt. Templeton 'Faceman' Peck: [Reaper drones lock on C-130, warning alarms sound] What the hell is that?
Capt. 'Howling Mad' Murdock: But, we got inbound subsonic UAVs with missile lock, and they bring down planes all the time!

Will: I don't want to get ahead of myself here, but, um, if things go my way, what's next?
Michael: Well, you're cleared to read classified documents and you get a government salary. Which isn't much.
Will: Compared to what I make now it's... much.

Lt. Templeton 'Faceman' Peck: You beat a guy like Lynch with three things: distraction, diversion and division. Then you put him on display, for the whole world to see...

Will: Being reporter sucks. Can I just establish that?
Francie: Okay.
Will: Hi.
Francie: Hi, and what have we been drinking?
Will: Uh, I don't know. It was something with a little horse on the label. Or a dog, I don't know. Some mythical creature condemned to live in a bottle for the rest of eternity. Doghorse, it's a doghorse. Did I mention that my life sucks? Did I mention that?

Eric: Mr. Tippin, I'm Agent Weiss. We're all through here, I'm supposed to take you to where you'll be staying.
Will: Is there a computer I can use here? The name on this DNA file, A.G. Doren, I know that from somewhere. I just want to check it out.

Pat: Hey, my friend Ronnie is having this party on Sunday night and it's like a real hoity-toity thing. And his wife Veronica is a real stickler for... I don't know. My mom got this Gap outfit she wants me to wear, but I want to wear a jersey that my brother Jake got me from the Eagles
Dr. Cliff Patel: Which jersey?
Pat: DeSean Jackson.
Dr. Cliff Patel: DeSean Jackson is the man.
Pat: Well, that settles that.

Alan: Hey, Phil, look.
[laughs hysterically while miming the baby masturbating]
Alan: He's jackin' his little weenis.
Phil: [laughs a little] Pull yourself together, bro.
Alan: [stops the baby] Not at the table, Carlos.

Will: [holding a black wig] I thought I looked like Gabe Kaplan.
Kelly: Who's that?
Will: Doesn't matter.

Pat: Nikki's waiting for me to get in shape and get my life back together. Then we're going to be together.

Will: You've been going over this since the beginning of time. You'll figure it out.
Sydney: What makes you say that?
Will: Because you're you.

Stu: Whoah, we're not leaving a baby in the car.
Phil: He'll be fine. I cracked a window.

Alan: You hear that? The baby's name is Tyler.
Phil: Yeah, I thought he looked more like a Carlos too, bud.

[a brawl takes place between Drax and Rocket]
Drax the Destroyer: This vermin speaks of affairs he knows nothing about!
Rocket: That is true!
Drax the Destroyer: He has no respect!
Rocket: That is also true! Keep callin' me vermin tough guy, you just want to laugh at me like everyone else!
Peter: Rocket, you're drunk, all right? No one's laughing at you.
Rocket: [points at Drax] He thinks I'm some stupid thing! He does!
[starts to cry]
Rocket: Well, I didn't ask to get made! I didn't ask to be torn apart and put back together over and over and turned into some little monster!
Peter: Rocket, no one's calling you a monster...
Rocket: He called me vermin! She called me rodent! Let's see if you can laugh after five or six good shots in your freakin' face!
[draws a gun]
Peter: No no no! Four billion units! Rocket, come on man, suck it up for one more lousy night and we're rich.
Rocket: Fine, but I can't promise when all of this is over I'm not going to kill every last one of you jerks.
Peter: See, this is exactly why none of you have any friends!

Francie: Will, what happened to your face?
Will: You know the one thing they don't tell you about doing community service? Sunblock.

Carny: Oh Christ. You know what? One carny to another, let's have a snort. Come on. Sit. -Pours the two of them a drink- I don't like mentalism. It's too old-timey. Always gotta have something new these days. Sensational. -Pauses and thinks- I just happened to think of something. I might have one job that you can take a crack at. It ain't much and I'm not begging you to take it, but it's a job. It'll keep you in coffee and cakes, dry space to sleep, shot now and then. What do you say?
Stanton: Ah, yes sir.
Carny: It ain't much but it's a job, right? -Pause-pours Stan another drink- Course it's only temporary. Just until we get a real geek. You know what a geek is? -Stan nods, his eyes becoming crestfallen- So what do you say? You think you can handle it? -Stan takes the drink and exhales...
Stanton: Mister, uh, -starts a mix of crying and laughing- I was born for it! -Intense maniacal laughing turns into sobs - cut to black...

Capt. 'Howling Mad' Murdock: [cooking] Who wants secret sauce?
Lt. Templeton 'Faceman' Peck: NO! No, no, no, no, no! NOT anti-freeze!
Sgt. Bosco 'B.A.' Baracus: Secret's out, you crazy! Everybody knows!
Lt. Templeton 'Faceman' Peck: No one can do an anti-freeze marinade like you can, Murdock, but I had a little Bells palsy last time...
Capt. 'Howling Mad' Murdock: That's only partial paralysis!

Pat: Mom, can we stop at the library? I want to read Nikki's entire high school syllabus.

Sydney: [Sydney just took a gun from Will, after convincing him that she was not a double, and points it at him] You know that if I wanted to hurt you, I could. You're my best friend, you're my oldest friend. I love you!
Will: Why are you aiming a gun at me?
[She drops the gun and they embrace]

Phil: Whose fucking baby is that?
Stu: Alan, are you sure you didn't see anyone else in the suite?
Alan: Yeah, I checked all the rooms... no one's there. Check its collar or something.

Pat: [to Jake] As my friend Danny would say... I got nothing but love for you, brother.

Pat: The only way you can beat my crazy was by doing something crazy yourself. Thank you. I love you. I knew it the minute I met you. I'm sorry it took so long for me to catch up. I just got stuck.

Col. John 'Hannibal' Smith: How's your day going?
Lt. Templeton 'Faceman' Peck: This is not going to taste good.

Zeena the Seer: You're gonna do just fine, honey. You got panache.
Stanton: [chuckles] What is that?
Zeena the Seer: Well, you're easy on the eyes, honey.

Chris: I'm not redneck; I'm Texan!
Taya: What's the difference?
Chris: We ride horses, they ride their cousins.

Dolores: It's game day. I'm making crabby snacks and homemades.
Pat: Yeah, come on, Dad, be nice. Come on, she's making crabby snacks and homemades!

Richie: If I really wanted to fucking bother you, this is what I would do.
[messes with Irving's hairpiece]

Phil: [while driving a squad car on the sidewalk and using the loudspeaker] Ma'am, in the leopard dress, you have an amazing rack.
[to himself]
Phil: I should have been a fucking cop.

Will: Well, how would you explain a question like this, then? Why can rainbows be seen only when the sun is behind the observer?
Henry: This wasn't in the test I sent to ETS. I design the questions, I proof the test booklets they print up, and then when they send the final corrected copies, I put them on file.
Will: About how many first graders took this test?
Henry: They administered this in thirty-three states. That's over five million children.

Michael: Well, 'cause it's common, you know, to dream about work, have anxiety over keeping it secret. Especially in the beginning.
Will: Really.
Michael: Goes away though.
Will: What, the excitement?
Michael: No. The dreams.

Lt. Templeton 'Faceman' Peck: You speak Swahili?
Capt. 'Howling Mad' Murdock: You don't?

Col. John 'Hannibal' Smith: I see you've all met Mr. Murdock.
Lt. Templeton 'Faceman' Peck: Met him? He lit my arm on fire!
[Murdock starts laughing]
Sgt. Bosco 'B.A.' Baracus: He stitched a lightning bolt in mine.
Col. John 'Hannibal' Smith: Look at me, son. I'm told you're a hell of a chopper pilot.
Capt. 'Howling Mad' Murdock: The best, sir.
Sgt. Bosco 'B.A.' Baracus: I'm not gettin' on a chopper with this nutjob!
Lt. Templeton 'Faceman' Peck: Yea, is this another one of your little 'projects'?
Capt. 'Howling Mad' Murdock: I'm a real soldier, I'm a Ranger baby!
Lt. Templeton 'Faceman' Peck: I'm worried!
Capt. 'Howling Mad' Murdock: [to Hannibal] I'm a Ranger, sir.
Col. John 'Hannibal' Smith: That's good enough for me.

Peter: [talks with the rest of the Guardians in private when they are all in doubt] When I look around, you know what I see? Losers.
[Everyone looks at him]
Peter: I mean like, folks who have lost stuff. And we have, man, we have, all of us. Homes, and our families, normal lives. And you think life takes more than it gives, but not today. Today it's giving us something. It is giving us a chance.
Rocket: To do what?
Peter: To give a shit. And I am not gonna stand by and watch as billions of lives are being wiped out.

Sydney: I'm not going to let anything happen to you.
Will: I know that. Wait, what did you think I was asking?
Sydney: I was just being supportive in case you thought you might...
Will: Die?
Sydney: It's not important. What were you asking?
Will: I was asking you to be my best man.
Sydney: Really?
Will: Yeah... Before I realized you have so little faith in me. You thought I was going to die?
Sydney: No! . . You want me to be your best man?
Will: Well I did. Now I'm not so sure.
Sydney: How would that work exactly? I mean, would I wear a tux?
Will: You don't have to worry about it. Because you're not invited.

Sydney: Hey guys.
Will: Hey.
Francie: Oh, you still live here?

Pat: You have poor social skills. You have a problem.
Tiffany: I have a problem? You say more inappropriate things than appropriate things.

Will: Okay, the suspense is killing me. What's the occasion?
Francie: The restaurant is actually making a profit.
Will: After only six months? Is that even possible?

[Groot grows a cocoon of branches to cover his friends]
Rocket: No, Groot! You can't! You'll die! Why are you doing this? Why?
[Groot uses a thin branch to wipe away Rocket's tears]
Groot: We are Groot.

Will: [talking to the man in prison] I was kidnapped yesterday. By - I don't know who they were but I'm assuming they work for SD-6. David, they threatened me. They told me to drop the story.
Will: David, I hate myself for letting you down, okay? But right now, I'm you. I'm exactly where you were before your wife was killed. Now, if I do what you suggest... David, they're going to kill my family... my friends. If you could go back, if you could change it, you wouldn't hesitate, would you?

[the Wolf Pack wake up in a honeymoon suite]
Stu: [sees he has implants] I have boobies now!
Cassie: [laughs] Oh my God...
Phil: [laughs] Holy shit!
Stu: It's not funny! Alan, what did you do? What did you do, Alan?
Alan: The wedding cake... it was from Leslie...
[Chow enters, naked and brandishing a sword]
Mr. Chow: [laughs] We had a sick night, bitches!
[the monkey jumps back on Stu]

Sydney: You bought Vaughn a present?
Francie: Why not?
Will: Because it's the weirdest thing of all time?

Richie: [as Richie puts the phone down from talking to Sydney he turns to his mother and puts his hands on her face] That's what the phone call's about. Everybody thought, "Oh, Richie DiMaso is gonna stay in the office pushing papers." That's not gonna happen, mom. I'm outside on the field, I got peoples working for me. My ideas, I'm running the show, I'm the quarterback and I'm not gonna settle for no one, mom.
[he looks at his mother for a moment before kissing her on the cheek and getting up to leave]

Phil: What the fuck is wrong with those chickens?
Mr. Chow: They're angry. All I feed them is cocaine. And chicken.

Pat: This is what I learned at the hospital. You have to do everything you can, you have to work your hardest, and if you do, if you stay positive, you have a shot at a silver lining.

Stu: This is so much harder than you realise, Phil. I'm just a dentist!
Phil: No, Stu, you're a fucking doctor. Now go get him!

Peter: Yeah, I'll have to agree with the walking thesaurus on that one.
Drax the Destroyer: DO NOT ever call me a thesaurus.
Peter: It's just a metaphor, dude.
Rocket: His people are completely literal. Metaphors go over his head.
Drax the Destroyer: *Nothing* goes over my head...! My reflexes are too fast, I would catch it.

Sydney: Look, to you, my job might seem pointless and stupid but it's not. It's far from pointless and if you knew what I dealt with every day, you might even thank me for doing my job so well!
Will: [confused] What the hell are you talking about?
Sydney: Nothing. I'm going to work. I'll see you guys.

Yondu: You like a professional asshole or what?
Rocket: Pretty much a pro.

Wynn: [hitting his target on the range] Who's the legend now?
Chris: That's a title you don't want. Trust me.

Will: Oh, I got my, uh, thirty days sobriety chip. Even though I was never drug addict, I'm kind of proud.

Jon: There's no gas-o in the goddamn car-o, Steve-o!

- I can't breathe!
- I can't breathe!
- Canopy, canopy, canopy.
- Rhodey, Rocket, get out of here.
Rocket: Let me up! Let me up!
- Come on!

Chris: [from trailer] I'm willing to meet my creator and answer for every shot that I took...

Rocket: [to Groot] Quit smiling, ya idiot, you're supposed to be professional.

Will: Well, I've got four weeks left of community service and then I'm done. Hey, um, you remember last week when I cooperated and let the CIA hypnotize me?
Sydney: Yeah.
Will: What happened with that? I mean, was I helpful at all? And I'm only asking because about five minutes ago I was doing pretty well as a reporter, you know, and now I'm a dishwasher living in denial. That's all.
Sydney: The information you provided was huge.
[Sydney's pager goes off]
Will: Good guys or bad guys?
Sydney: Neither. My father.

Officer: Hey, aren't you Tommy's widow?
Tiffany: Yes, I'm Tommy's crazy whore widow. Minus the whore thing, for the most part.
Officer: You want to get a drink sometime?
[Tiffany turns around and walks away in disgust]
Pat: You shouldn't say that to her. She doesn't do that anymore.
Officer: What? What did I say?
Pat: She doesn't do that anymore.

Phil: I was just talking to Cassie. She's an amazing woman.
Alan: Oh, thank you for saying that. She is an amazing woman. I find her much better than your wives.

SWAT: Any last minute orders?
Agent: Yeah, nobody shoot me - unless it's absolutely necessary.

Peter: This is weird. We've got a Sovereign fleet approaching from the rear.
Gamora: Why would they do that?
Drax: Probably because Rocket stole some of their batteries.
Rocket: Dude!
Drax: [awkwardly] Right... He didn't steal some of those. I don't know why they're after us. What a mystery this is.

Phil: Damn it! I left my phone in the Minivan.
Alan: Oh Phil, I have that find my phone app.
Phil: Alan, we have bigger problems than that at the moment.
Stu: No wait. If Chow has the minivan and your phone is in the minivan that means your phone is with Chow.
Alan: Stu, you heard Phil. We have bigger problems than that.

Rocket: I live for the simple things... like how much this is going to hurt!
[zaps Quill, who falls down yelling]
Rocket: Yeah, writhe, little man.

Will: The fact that I actually wasn't dating Francie, that it was her double... I thought that was, like, the number one most insane story of all time. But yours actually tops it.
Sydney: She survived.

Will: Look, just meet with me or find somebody else because I am sick of this Cloak and Dagger stuff.

Rocket: [snickering] I'm sorry. I am so sorry! I just keep imagining you waking up in the morning, sir, looking in the mirror and then in all seriousness saying to yourself...
[deep voice]
Rocket: "You know what would be a really kick-ass name? Taserface!"
[all the Ravagers struggle desperately not to laugh]
Rocket: That's how I hear you in my head! What was your second choice? "Scrotum Hat"?
[Rocket and the Ravagers all fall apart laughing]

Disguised: [on the phone] You have questions about Kate Jones. How far are you willing to go, Mr. Tippin? I need to hear the words "I'm ready."
Will: Why? Why, could my life be in danger?
Disguised: Say the words.
Will: Yeah, I'm in. I'm ready.

Sydney: I lost my mind a little. I started imagining things.
Will: Whatever the hell you're talking about, maybe you're not imagining it. Syd, this is what I do. I might be able to find something that the police overlooked!
Sydney: Stop it! Please. I'm trying to move on here. I need your help to do that. Okay?

[Murdock and his fellow inmates are watching a 3D movie - The Greater Escape -. During the opening shot of a Humvee, just as it is gettting close to the screen, a real Humvee bursts out of the wall. Sosa is knocked to the ground and the entire audience applauds]
Lt. Templeton 'Faceman' Peck: [in a British accent] Oh Captain! Your chariot awaits!
Capt. 'Howling Mad' Murdock: [runs and hops into the vehicle] Sorry boys, gotta run! Can't finish the movie! Do let me know how it ends!
Lt. Templeton 'Faceman' Peck: Charissa, where you hiding? Hey, stay beautiful baby.
Col. John 'Hannibal' Smith: Punch it B.A.!
Sgt. Bosco 'B.A.' Baracus: [throws it in reverse] Let's go, fool!

Tiffany: No walk, no letter. Walk to me like I'm Nikki. Do it, come on, I'm Nikki.
Pat: You're not Nikki.
[does the walk anyway]
Tiffany: Yes! Do you feel that? That's emotion.
Pat: I don't feel anything.

Sydney: By the way, I got Francie season tickets to The Hollywood Bowl for her birthday from the both of us.
Will: Oh, great, thank you. You know, she was right about what she said. We used to tell each other everything, now we don't. I can't tell her anything.
Sydney: I know. I hate it, too. But after Danny and what happened to you, I've accepted the fact that it's as a gesture of love to deceive the people I care about.

Anna: You have an ass that makes me wanna dry hump!
Ben: Did you just say 'Dry hump'?
Anna: Yep.
Ben: I think I just fell in love.

Chris: [to his pregnant wife] You're the most beautiful thing I've ever seen.
Taya: I have an alien growing inside of me.

Rocket: You people have issues.
Peter: Well, of course I have issues. That's my freakin' father!

Capt. 'Howling Mad' Murdock: [singing as he spins on the helicopter blade] You spin me right round baby, right round!
Lt. Templeton 'Faceman' Peck: Who is this guy?

Tony: Honestly, at this exact second, I thought you were a Build-a-Bear.
Rocket: Maybe I am.

Richie: You know what, if the country were run by people like you, Irving Rosenfeld, we'd be living in Eastern Europe or Guatemala.

Sydney: You're selling your car?
Will: Yeah, well, it's either that or I quit paying my student loans. I can't afford to have bad credit and a criminal record.

Dr. Sean McNamara: She's my ex-wife's girlfriend's daughter.
Aidan: Dude, the sexual permutations are frying my brain.

Tiffany: You know, I used to think that you were the best thing that ever happened to me, but now I think that you might maybe be the worst thing. And I'm sorry that I ever met you.
Pat: Good for you. Come on, let's go dance.

Chris: [from trailer]
[whispers to himself as he points his rifle at an Iraqi boy carrying an RPG bomb]
Chris: Don't pick it up...
Chris: Drop it!
[his finger starts trembling on the trigger]

Sydney: And the bank called. Uh, I might have another trip.
Will: You take an insane amount of trips.

Michael: Look, I know this will drive you insane, but we can't employ you because you have a criminal record.
Will: I have a criminal record because of a drug habit I never had.

Francie: I just need a liquor license.
Will: No, no, no, what you need is someone who knows how the system works. Someone who can help you navigate. What you need is me. You know, former drug addict reporter... and sometimes lobster impersonator.

Pat: The world will break your heart ten ways to Sunday. That's guaranteed. I can't begin to explain that. Or the craziness inside myself and everyone else. But guess what? Sunday's my favorite day again. I think of what everyone did for me, and I feel like a very lucky guy.

Will: [to Sydney and Jack] Who the hell are you people?

[Face sees Kyle approaching Charisa Sosa and reaching for his gun, fires two shots with a concealed pistol to make noise]
Lt. Templeton 'Faceman' Peck: [Pointing at Kyle's direction, speaking in German] Oh, mein Gott! Er hat eine Waffe! Er hat eine Waffe! EINE WAFFE!
["Oh my God, he's got a gun! Right there, he's got a gun! A gun!"]
Lt. Templeton 'Faceman' Peck: [an uproar ensues; Kyle stares at Face, dumbfounded and still reaching for his gun]
Lt. Templeton 'Faceman' Peck: [walks away] Sucker.

Phil: Would you please put some pants on? I feel weird having to ask you twice.

Alan: I almost died Phil!
Phil: Come on! I was not going to let you go you're my boy!
Alan: And you're my man!

Sydney: Charlie got an offer.
Will: Hey, that's great! Where?
Charlie: Leming Letterman. That's corporate law. Downtown office.

Avery: When I was a kid I used to look at my dad dressed in judge's robes and I used to think that my father was a superhero. And I don't think I was far off. He had that quality that judges have, where they have tremendous compassion, but they're also ferocious at the same time. He wasn't afraid of making enemies. I think that's probably why he had so many friends.

Will: I understand that, but you can't think of another way than this?
Jack: Yes, I can think of a number of other ways. But they all involve your burial.
Will: Is that your idea of a joke? You're morbid, Jack.

Ronnie: Oh, she's a mess. You gotta be careful. She goes to a lot of therapy.
Pat: I go to a lot of therapy, Ronnie. What are you trying to say?
Ronnie: I'm just saying.

Rocket: That's for if things get really hardcore. Or if you wanna blow up moons.
Gamora: No one's blowing up moons.
Rocket: You just wanna suck the joy out of everything.

Baby: I am Groot.
Yondu: What's that?
Rocket: He says, "Welcome to the frickin' Guardians of the Galaxy." Only he didn't use "frickin'."

[showing Groot how to arm the bomb]
Rocket: All right, first you flick this switch, then this switch. That activates it. Then you push this button, which will give you five minutes to get out of there. Now, whatever you do, don't push *this* button, because that will set off the bomb immediately and we'll all be dead. Now, repeat back what I just said.
Groot: I am Groot.
Rocket: Uh-huh.
Groot: I am Groot.
Rocket: That's right.
Groot: [pointing to the death button] I am Groot.
Rocket: No! No, that's the button that will kill everyone! Try again.
Groot: Hmm. I am Groot.
Rocket: Mmm-hmm.
Groot: I am Groot?
Rocket: Uh-huh.
Groot: [pointing to the death button] I am Groot.
Rocket: No! That's exactly what you just said! How is that even possible? Which button is the button you're supposed to push? Point to it.
[Groot points to the death button]
Rocket: *No*!

Phil: Hey, what's your password?
Alan: Hey Phil?
Phil: Yeah?
Alan: No, that's it.
Phil: What?
Alan: That's my password. Hey Phil.

Will: I was thinking on the flight back what your life is like. What you have to go through.And what you have to keep from your friends, how hard that must be. Syd, I don't love you because of what you do. Or you don't do. I just love you.

Will: That file, the DNA string, was there a name attached to it?
Sydney: There was but we don't have any leads yet.
Will: What was the name?
Sydney: A.G. Doren.

Phil: Tracy, it's Phil.
Tracy: Phil, where the hell are you guys? I'm freaking out.
Phil: Yeah, listen, uh... we fucked up.
Tracy: What are you talking about?
Phil: The bachelor party. The whole night. It's... Things got out of control and, uh... we lost Doug.
Tracy: What?
Phil: We can't find Doug.
Tracy: What are you saying, Phil? We're getting married in *five hours*.
Phil: Yeah... that's not gonna happen.

Sydney: [On the phone] Who's that? Who are you with?
Richie: Oh no, just people.
Richie's: [Across the hall] People? I'm your fiance. Richard!
Sydney: Oh, you've got a fiance, you're engaged.
Richie: [Stammering] I don't-I don't-I don't have a fiance-I don't know-I don't know.
Sydney: You don't know? You don't know if you have a fiance?
Richie: I don't. No.
Sydney: Interesting.

Phil: Who's this?
Doug: It's Alan. Tracy's brother.
Alan: I met you like four times.
Phil: Oh, yeah. How you doing, man?

Old: [whistles at the Mercedes as Alan pumps gas] Boy, you've got a sweet ride there.
Alan: Don't touch it. Don't even look at it. Go on, get out. You heard me. Don't look at me, either.
[the old man walks away]
Alan: Yeah. You better walk on...
Phil: [to Doug, inside the gas station] He's actually kind of funny.
Doug: Yeah, he means well.
Alan: [in the background] I'll hit an old man in public.

Will: You and Vaughn's wife work together? Okay, how the hell did that hap...
Sydney: Let's talk about you. A beautiful painter lives in your building and you haven't asked her out, why?
Will: Because Jonah's... A Recovering from a post traumatic dating syndrome after his last girlfriend dumped him by ramming a bayonet into his lungs... Go... Let's go back to you. Okay you and Vaughn's wife...
Sydney: Yeah... I hate her... I mean I don't, she's nice...
Will: You hate her.
Sydney: Yeah...
[Will and Sydney laugh]
Sydney: But not cause of her, it's just, I still love him.
Will: That sucks!

Sydney: How many more hickeys in the air?
Will: Shut up.
Sydney: Just asking.

Alan: Hey guys, when's the next Halley's comet?
Phil: Who cares, man.
Alan: Do you know Stu?
Stu: I don't think it's for like another sixty years or something.
Alan: But it's not tonight right?
Stu: No I don't think so.
Alan: But you don't know for sure? I have this cousin Marcus who saw one he said it blew his mind I want to make sure I never ever miss out on a Halley's comet.

Will: You know, I always thought of myself as a pacifist. The idea of taking someone's life is just inconceivable. But if I had the chance to kill Allison...
Sydney: I never would've come here if I didn't have to.

Agent: It's good to talk to one of you guys once in a while.
Earl: "You guys"?
Agent: You know...
Earl: What kind of guys?
Agent: You're just willing to... You live so long, I think you've probably lost your filter.
Earl: Really. I never realized I ever had one...

Will: Yes, I've been tortured and I've been kidnapped, several times actually. But most likely none of that would've happened if I hadn't' helped a clumsy girl pick up her books freshman year in bio class. But it's not your fault. You can't blame yourself for the evils of the world. Look, since I've known you I've seen a lot of horrible things. There are people out there, that are capable of more cruelty and more hatred, than I even thought possible. But I still sleep well at night. You know why? Because I know that you're out there fighting against them. Sydney, you save the world every day and you never ask for anything in return. I think I speak for everybody who loves you, when I say; Thank you for watching over us.
Sydney: But if you hadn't met me you'd have a regular life.
Will: Who wants it? I wouldn't trade you for anything. I know a lot of regular people who live regular lives. But there's only one Sydney Bristow.
[last lines]

Phil: [after realizing that they have rescued the wrong Doug] GOD DAMN IT!
Alan: Gosh darn it!
Phil: SHIT!
Alan: Shoot!

Stanton: How do you ever get a guy to geek?
Clem: Oh, I ain't gonna crap you up. It ain't easy. You gotta pick up a broken drunk. A real alkie, a two bottle-a-day fool, see?
Stanton: Pick him up from where?
Clem: Nightmare alleys, train tracks, flophouses, you name it. Lot of folks came back from the war addicted to the poppy, to booze. Now, opium really sinks its claws, but you reel 'em in with booze. You tell 'em, "I got a little job for you. It's a temporary job." Make sure you emphasize that. "Just temporary, until we get ourselves another geek." You spike it with that opium tincture. One drop per bottle, that's all. But, oh... oh, now, this is what he thinks is heaven. So, you say to him like this, you say to him, "Well, I gotta get me a real geek." He says, "Ain't I doing okay?" You say, "Like crap you're doing okay. "You can't draw a real crowd faking a geek. "You're through." And you walk off. Now, that night, you drag out the lecture, you lay it on thick. All the while you're talking, he's thinking about sobering up, getting the crawling shakes, the screaming, the terrors. You give him time to think that over while you're talking. Then, you throw him the chicken. He'll geek.

Pat: [to his mother] Danny was in for assault because of crystal meth and alcohol.
Danny: Bad combination.
Pat: On top of an anxiety disorder.

Pat: You look nice.
Tiffany: Thank you.
Pat: Oh, I'm not flirting with you.
Tiffany: Oh, I didn't think you were.
Pat: I just see that you made an effort, and I'm gonna be better with my wife. I'm working on that. I wanna acknowledge her beauty. I never used to do that. I do now. Just practicing. How'd Tommy die?
[Tiffany looks shocked and sad]

Will: [to Suit and Glasses] One in five, you little bitch! ONE IN FIVE!

Will: What's the paper on?
Sydney: It's a redo. Professor said it didn't have any soul, so I'm writing a paper with soul. It's got lots of soul.

Rocket: Does anybody have any tape out there? I wanna put some tape over the death button.
Peter: I don't have any tape. Let me check. Yo, Yondu, do you have any. Ow! Do you have any tape?... Gamora? Do you have any tape? Tape! Ah, never mind. Ow! Drax, do you have any tape? Yes, Scotch tape would work... Then why did you ask me if Scotch tape would work, if you don't have any? Nobody has any tape!
Rocket: Not a single person has tape?
Peter: Nope!
Rocket: Did you ask Nebula?
Peter: Yes!
Rocket: Are you sure?
Peter: I asked Yondu and she was sitting right next to him.
Rocket: I knew you were lying!
Peter: You have priceless batteries and an atomic bomb in your bag. If anybody's gonna have tape, it's *you*!
[Baby Groot grabs the device and runs off with it while Rocket's back is turned]
Rocket: That's exactly my point! I have to do everything!
Peter: You are wasting a lot of time here!
[Rocket turns around and see that both the bomb and Groot are gone]
Rocket: [to himself] We're all gonna die.

Will: When Lazarey spoke, he didn't sound like it was somewhere protected.
Sydney: I know. That's why I'm thinking, bank or maybe hotel safety deposit box.
Will: How come?
Sydney: Because that's where I'd put it.

Rocket: If we're gonna get outta here, we gonna need to get into that watch tower, and to do that, I'm gonna need a few things. The guards wear security bands to control their ins and outs. I need one.
Gamora: Leave it to me.
Rocket: That dude there. I need his prosthetic leg.
Peter: His leg?
Rocket: Yeah. God knows I don't need the rest of him. Look at him. He's useless.
Peter: ...All right.
Rocket: And finally, on the wall back there is a black panel. Blinky yellow light. You see it?
Peter: Yeah.
Rocket: There's a quarnex battery behind it. Purplish box. Green wires. To get into that watch tower, I definitely need it.
Gamora: How are we supposed to do that?
Rocket: Well, supposedly, these bald bodies find you attractive, so maybe you could work out some sort of trade.
[Groot starts walking toward the panel]
Gamora: You must be joking.
Rocket: No, I really heard they find you attractive.
Peter: Look. It's 20 feet up in the air and it's in the middle of the most heavily guarded part of the prison. It's impossible to get up there without being seen.
Rocket: I got one plan, and that plan requires this frickin' quarnex battery, so FIGURE IT OUT!
[Groot removes the panel, which hits a passing inmate on the head and knocks him out]
Rocket: Can I get back to it? Thanks.
[Drax spots Groot trying to remove the battery]
Rocket: Now, this is important. Once the battery is removed, everything is gonna slam into emergency mode. Once we have it, we gotta move quickly, so you definitely need to get that last.
[Groot removes the battery, setting off the alarms]
Rocket: Or we could just get it first and improvise.
Gamora: I'll get the armband.
Peter: Leg.

Will: Nothing's wrong?
[she shakes her head negatively]
Will: Syd, if we'd just met I'd know something's wrong