The Best Brooklyn Nine-Nine, Season 2, Episode 19 Quotes

Geoffrey: I had to grab a few things at the art supply store. Kidnapping is 90 percent crafting.

Jake: I know technically I'm not supposed to help out, but rules are made to be broken.
Amy: They were made to be followed. Nothing is made to be broken.
Jake: Uh, piñatas.
Rosa: Glow sticks.
Jake: Karate boards.
Rosa: Spaghetti when you have a small pot.
Jake: Rules.

Raymond: Sarcasm... the coward's lie.

Jake: People are gonna notice if I disappear.
[His phone beeps]
Jake: See? Someone's already looking for me. You're in big trouble, buddy.
Geoffrey: [Reads] Your e-coupon for Big Mike's Calzones expires today.
Jake: You're damn right. And if I don't redeem that, Big Mike is gonna get real suspicious.

- I'm here, I'm here, I'm here, and I'm a half an hour early.
- That's right, my string of bad luck has finally come to an end.
- Peralta, you failed your drug test.
- There were traces of cocaine and methamphetamines found in your urine.
[Shouts] What?

Raymond: I maintain a strict code of integrity.
Terry: Come on, Captain. You never told a white lie to make a person feel better?
Raymond: I only lie when someone's safety is at risk. Or if a juvenile aged eight years or younger asks about Santa Claus.
Terry: In which case...
Raymond: I feed them some reassuring pap about the logical impossibility of proving a negative. It's sentimental drivel, but they eat it up.

Geoffrey: I had everything. I had friends, a wife, two beautiful children... out of three total. Not a bad ratio.

Geoffrey: [after Jake headbutts him] Ow! God! That's my nose! That's where I put the drugs in!

Jake: I can prove that I filled up my tank, all right? I even have a receipt, because I keep all my receipts like a mature adult person.
[Pulls out a pocket-full]
Jake: Laser tag, wheelie shoes, remote control monster truck...

Rosa: Jake, you're suspended. Just go home, have a beer, and smash something. That's what I'd do.

Geoffrey: You never should have arrested me.
Jake: But I basically got your cocaine charges dropped. You only had to do 40 hours of community service.
Geoffrey: Right, but I wanted to get them all done at once, so for energy, I did way too much cocaine and meth. Went on a prolonged psychotic episode involving assault, public fornication, and, apparently, the touching of my scrotum to every doorknob in a synagogue.

Charles: So those threatening phone calls were being made to Tim Orsk of Tim O's Limos.
Hitchcock: That's interesting. This Orsk guy's name keeps cropping up in this case.
Charles: 'Cause he's the victim!

Charles: [Speaking to Hitchcock] You're as useless as that bomb sniffing dog that humps all the the bombs.

Raymond: I'm gonna need you to hand in your badge and gun.
Jake: All right, fine, you can have my badge and gun, but we're doing it in your office so I can slam them down on your desk and yell out, "The system stinks!"
Raymond: Actually, the procedure is to bring your gun and badge down to the equipment room on the second floor, fill out form 452-underscore-J, hand said form in to the inventory clerk, and then receive a claim check through interoffice mail.
Jake: The system stinks!