The Best Brooklyn Nine-Nine, Season 4, Episode 4 Quotes

Scully: Type 3 and type 9 and 12 and 13 - those are all the diabeteses I have.

Jake: Sure, yeah, not a problem we'll be home by sunup. Just like a couple of sexy "Twilight" vampires.
[as Dracula]
Jake: I am Robert Pattinson. I vant to turn into a bat.
[normal voice]
Jake: I've never seen the movies.
Charles: No, me neither. They're an insult to the books.

Jake: [Jake stops a car, while in pursuit of a criminal] Stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop. NYPD. NYPD, I need to commandeer this vehicle.
Jess: It's a crossover!
[Jake looks at her in question]
Jess: It's a crossover SUV, and you can't have it.
Jake: I'm a cop, can you please get out of the car?
Jess: No, this Schmidt's mom's car, and I'm more scared of her than I am of some two-bit thug.
Jake: I'm not a thug, I'm police.
Jess: Okay, then name one law.
Jake: Don't kill people.
Jess: That's on me, I set the bar too low.
Jake: Look, can you please just get out?
Jess: Okay, you can drive, but I'm not getting out.
Jake: Right.
Jess: Also, I have the seat warmer on, I don't just have a really hot butt.

Jake: [Jake and Charles try to solve a case by role-playing as two French burglars] But then, we hear a sound...
Charles: ...and I yell, "Les gendarmes! Ils sont ici!"
Jake: And I know what that means because I'm French, but I ask you to repeat it in English, just to be sure.

Amy: Hey, I saw you earlier. You weren't in the bathroom. You were on a park bench playing on your phone. Yeah, you left me to do everything while I thought you were pooping.
[angry]
Amy: I wish you were pooping! I wish to God!
Rosa: [teary-eyed, sad] I'm sorry.
Amy: Oh, Rosa, crying. Don't know what to do.
[Pats Rosa awkwardly on the head]
Amy: Pat, pat.
[beat]
Amy: This feels wrong.

Captain: Fine, I guess I'll just stop the party.
Terry: I didn't realize it ever started.

Jake: Nuh-uh, I'm not gonna let the night shift win. Me and my main man Boyle are about to solve a case. Isn't that right, Charles?
Charles: Oh, you know we will. We'll call ourselves the Night Boys.
Jake: Kind of sounds like a male escort service.
Charles: The Midnight Men.
Jake: Even worse.
Charles: The Dark Stallions.
Jake: Looks like we're going with the Night Boys.

Amy: Cool, maybe we can mill around and small talk about how some of us are big lying liars who lie all the time like a bunch of liars, Rosa.

Rosa: Night shift is boring. Listen to the cases I've had: Drunk and disorderly, drunk and disorderly, cyber crime...
Jake: Ooh, cyber crime. Pretty cool.
Rosa: Caught a drunk guy humping a laptop.

Gina: I personally like the night shift. You know who else is up right now?
Jake: Murderers? Armed robbers?
Gina: [Australian accent] Australians. It's an whole new demographic for me to conquer.
[normal voice]
Gina: I already have the third most followers behind Iggy Azalea and the Perth Zoo Wallaby cam.

- No. That was one word. That counts.
- Thank you, Rosa.
- Okay, I'm ready.
- Sorry I'm late, everyone, but trust me, it's worth it.
- Me and Jake are tip buds.
- What? No!
- You know what, I do see it. It's bad. It looks bad.

Jake: [Apologizing to Boyle] Well, I kept talking about how I wanted everything to go back to normal, but if that actually happened, this little guy wouldn't be here. Or is he big? I don't know what size kids are supposed to be, or anything about kids, really.

Captain: [Captain Holt is trying to raise the group's moral, by throwing an after-work party] How about some tunes?
[upbeat Sousa march]
Rosa: [ironically, deadpan] Cool, merry-go-round music.
Captain: Yeah, John Phillips Sousa, the Skrillex of his day. C'mon, people, hit the dance floor. Have a good time.
[Starts dancing, but noone's following]
Captain: Why is no one having a good time? I specifically requested it. Gina, why aren't you dancing?
Gina: I can't. I'm in the middle of a feud with the "that's not a knife" guy from "Crocodile Dundee". He's being a real bitch.

Gina: [Australian accent] Crikey.
Amy: You're not Australian, Gina.
Gina: Get stuffed, ya drongo.

Charles: [Trying to decide whether he should watch Jake and his son play together or film it] Oh, my God, this is a dream come true. I gotta get my phone, I gotta film this. Oh, but then I'll miss it. Oh, but I want it forever. Agh, but I should stay in the moment. Ah, but then I'll forget. Oh, my God, this is a nightmare!

Jake: [Reacting to the gang's intervention, who are trying to give him a haircut] Wait, wait, okay, okay, okay. Stop, stop, stop, stop. I'll admit it.
[sotto voce]
Jake: I went too deep down there in Florida. At one point, I think I forgot where the tip of me ended, and the base of the tips began.

Jess: I can't believe this is happening. Thanks a lot, New York. You know what, if your city's so great, then how come it's not the state capital?
Jake: What? Who cares about the state's capital? This is the concrete jungle where dreams are made of. That doesn't sound right - "where dreams are made of"?
Jess: I don't know, you tell me. It's your dumb city.
Jake: It's grammatically odd. Whatever, I'm sure wherever you're from has strange songs written about it, too.
Jess: Los Angeles?
Jake: Damn it, all the songs there are so good.