The Best Buffy the Vampire Slayer, Season 4, Episode 22 Quotes

[in Xander's dream]
Spike: Giles here is gonna teach me to be a Watcher. Says I got the stuff.
Rupert: Spike's like a son to me.
Rupert: That's good. I was into that for a while, but... I got other stuff goin' on... You gotta have something. Gotta be with movin' forward.
Buffy: Like a shark.
Xander: Like a shark with feet and... much less fins.
Spike: And on land.
Rupert: Very good.

[in Xander's dream]
Principal: I walked by your guidance counselor's office one time. A bunch of you were sitting there, waiting to be shepherded. I remember it smelled like dead flowers. Like decay. Then it hit me. The hope of our nation's future is a bunch of mulch.
Xander: You know, I never got the chance to tell you how glad I was you were eaten by a snake.

[in Xander's dream]
Rupert: [to Spike on a swing] Come on. Put your back into it. A Watcher scoffs at gravity.

[in Giles' dream]
[with cheese slices on his head and shoulders]
Cheese: I wear the cheese. It does not wear me.

Xander: Yeah. From now on, you keep your Slayer friends out of my dreams. Is that clear?
Willow: She's not good for the sleepin'.
Buffy: Ahh... well, at least you all didn't dream about that guy with the cheese. Don't know where the hell that came from.

[in Willows dream]
Riley: [in a play] Why, hello, little lady. Can I hold those milk pails for you?
Harmony: Why, thank you, but they're not very heavy. Why have you come to our lonely, small town which has no post office and very few exports?
Riley: I've come looking for a man... a salesman.

[in Xander's dream]
Anya: [to Xander] I'll be fine. I think I've figured out how to steer by gesturing emphatically.

[in Xander's dream]
[in bathroom, he turns and finds scientists and soldiers from the Initiative watching]
Xander: Okay, I'm gonna find another bathroom.

[in Willow's dream]
Xander: So whatcha been doin'? Doing spells?
[to Oz]
Xander: She does spells with Tara.
Oz: Yeah, I heard about that.
Willow: I'm gonna be late.
[leaves]
Xander: Sometimes I think about two women doin' a spell... and then I do a spell by myself.

[in Buffy's dream]
PA: The demons have escaped. Please run for your lives.
Riley: This could be trouble. We'd better make a fort.
Adam: I'll get some pillows.

Xander: Dinner is served.
[entering with a bowl of popcorn]
Xander: And my very own recipe.
Willow: Ooh! You pushed the button on the microwave that says "popcorn"?
Xander: Actually, I pushed defrost, but, uh, Joyce was there in the clinch.

[in Willows dream]
Cheese: [to Willow] I've made a little space for the cheese slices.

[in Giles' dream]
Spike: I've hired myself out as an attraction.
Rupert: Sideshow freak?
Spike: Well, at least it's showbiz.

[in Xander's dream]
[door at the top of his basement stairs is being broken down]
Xander: That's not the way out.
[door slams open showing Xander's father]
Xander's: What the hell is wrong with you? You won't come upstairs? What are you, *ashamed* of us? Your mother's crying her guts out!
Xander: You don't understand.
Xander's: [comes down the steps] No. You don't understand. The line ends here with us and you're not gonna change that. You haven't got the heart.
[reaches into Xander's chest and rips out his heart]

[in Willows dream]
Rupert: All right everyone! Pay attention! In just a few moments, that curtain is gonna open on our very first production. Now everyone that Willow's ever met is out in that audience, including all of us. That means we have to be perfect. Stay in character, remember your lines and energy, energy, energy especially in the musical numbers!
[Willow sees a shadowy figure moving in the background]
Willow: Did anyone see that?
Rupert: Acting is not about behaving, it's about hiding. The audience wants to find you, strip you naked and eat you alive, so hide.
[Harmony bites at his neck]
Rupert: Stop that. Now, costumes, sets, um, the things that you, uh, you know, uh, you, um, you hold them, you touch them, uh, use them, um...
Harmony: Props?
Rupert: No.
Riley: Props?
Rupert: Yes! It's all about subterfuge.
[Harmony continues attempting to bite him]
Rupert: That's very annoying. Now, go on out there, lie like dogs, and have a wonderful time. Now, if we can stay in focus, keep our heads, and if Willow can stop stepping on everyone's cues, I know this will be the best production of "Death of a Salesman" we've ever done.
[Harmony continues attempting to bite him]
Rupert: Stop it. Good luck everyone! Break a leg!

[in Willow's dream]
Tara: I think it's strange. I mean, I think I should worry that we haven't found her name.
Willow: Who, Miss Kitty?
[Shot of their kitten playing with a ball of red yarn in slow-motion]
Tara: You'd think she'd let us know her name by now.
Willow: She will. She's not all grown yet.

[in Xander's dream]
Soldier: [Apocalypse Now on TV] We gotta keep goin' men. We gotta take that hill... Damn this war.
Rupert: I have to say, I really feel "Apocalypse Now" is overrated.
Xander: No, no. It gets better.
Soldier: [on TV] Men.
Xander: I remember that it gets better.
Soldier: [on TV] Oh, my God. What's happened to my men? *Aah*!
Buffy: Want some corn?
Xander: Butter flavor?
Buffy: New car smell.
Xander: Cool.

Buffy: You know, you could have brought that up to us before we did it.
Rupert: I did. I said there could be dire consequences.
Buffy: Yes, but you say that about chewing too fast.

[in Giles' dream]
Rupert: [singing] It's strange / It's not like anything / We've faced before / It seems familiar / Somehow / Of course / The spell we cast with Buffy / Must have released / Some primal evil / That's come back seeking / I'm not sure what / Willow / Look through the Chronicles / For some reference / To a warrior beast / I've got to warn Buffy / There's every chance she might be next / And Xander / Help Willow / And try not to bleed / On my couch / I've just had it steam cleaned / No wait...
[microphone screeches and goes dead]

[in Buffy's dream]
[standing in her bedroom in her house]
Buffy: Faith and I just made that bed.
Tara: For who?
Buffy: I thought you were here to tell me... The guys aren't here, are they? We were gonna hang out and watch movies.
Tara: You lost them.
Buffy: No... No... I think they need me to find them.
[shot of the digital alarm clock next to the bed,: 30 AM]
Buffy: It's so late.
Tara: Oh... that clock's completely wrong. Here.
[shot of Tara holding out the Tarot card "Manus". It has a picture of two hands crossed, one open, the other balled into a fist]
Buffy: I'm never gonna use those.
Tara: You think you know... what's to come... what you are. You haven't even begun.
Buffy: I think I need to go find the others.
[leaves]
Tara: [to herself] Be back before dawn.

[first lines]
Buffy: Are you sure you'll be all right? 'Cause I can be there in the morning.
Riley: It's just a debriefing. They're not gonna make me disapper and they're not pinning anything on me. I got Graham and a lot of the guys testifying I'm the reason they're alive. I might actually get out of this with an honorable discharge.
Giles: In return for your silence no doubt.
Riley: Oh yeah. Having the inside scoop on the administration's own Bay of Mutated Pigs is definitely an advantage.
Giles: It's like you're blackmailing the government.
[they look at her]
Giles: In a... patriotic way.

[in Willow's dream]
Buffy: Your costume is perfect.
[whispers]
Buffy: Nobody's gonna know the truth. You know, about you.
Willow: Costume?
Buffy: You're already in character! Oh, I shoulda done that!

[in Xander's dream]
Xander: I move pretty fast. You know, a man's always after...
Joyce: Conquest?
Xander: I'm a conquistador.
Xander: Are you sure it isn't comfort?
Xander: I'm a comfortador, also.
Joyce: I do know the difference. I've learned about boys.

Joyce: I'm, uh, guessing I missed some fun?
Willow: The spirit of the first Slayer tried to kill us in our dreams.
Joyce: Oh. You want some hot chocolate?

[in Buffy's dream]
Riley: We're drawing up a plan for world domination. The key element? Coffee makers that think.
Buffy: World domination? Is that a good?
Riley: Baby, we're the government. It's what we do.

[in Giles' dream]
[on stage telling a joke badly and being heckled]
Anya: Quiet! You'll miss the humorous conclusion.

[in Xander's dream]
Principal: Are you a soldier?
Xander: I'm a comfortador.
Principal: You're neither. You're a whipping boy, raised by mongrels, and set on a sacrificial stone.

[last lines]
[Buffy remembering words from the dream]
Tara: [voice only] You think you know... what's to come... what you are. You haven't even begun.

[in Willows dream]
Buffy: [to Riley, in a play] But what else could I expect from a bunch of low-rent, no-account hoodlums like you? Hoodlums, yes! I mean you, and your friends, your whole sex. Throw 'em in the sea for all I care. Throw 'em in and wait for the bubbles. Men with your groping and spitting. All groin, no brain. Three billion of ya passing around the same worn-out urge. *Men*... with your... *sales*.

[in Buffy's dream]
Tara: [first Slayer speaking through Tara] The Slayer does not walk in this world.
Buffy: I walk. I talk. I shop. I sneeze. I'm gonna be a fireman when the floods roll back. There's trees in the desert since you moved out, and I don't sleep on a bed of bones.

[in Xander's dream]
Cheese: [holding up a tray of cheese] These will not protect you.

[in Buffy's dream]
Adam: [to Buffy] Aggression is a natural human tendency... though you and me come by it another way.

[in Willows dream]
Tara: [backstage] Things aren't going very well.
Willow: No! This drama class is just... I think they're really not doing things in the proper way, and now I'm in a play and my whole family's out there, and... why is there a cowboy in "Death of a Salesman", anyway?
Tara: You don't understand yet, do you?
Willow: [whispers] Is there something following me?
Tara: Yes.
Willow: Well, what, uh, what should I do? The-The play's gonna start soon, and I don't even know my lines.
Tara: The play's already started. That's not the point.