The Best Buffy the Vampire Slayer, Season 5, Episode 3 Quotes

[Xander, Anya, Riley and Buffy are watching a kung-fu movie]
Xander: Incompetently dubbed kung fu. Our most valuable Chinese import.

Rupert: Ancient demon. Very strong. Last survivor of the Tothric clan. It also says that for a demon, he's unusually sophisticated.
Buffy: Sophisticated. So I should discuss men's fashions with him before I chop his head off?

[Anya and Xander / his double sit on a blanket after kissing]
Anya: So... what happens next?
Xander: Well, at some point we take off our clothes.
Anya: I mean what happens next in our lives? When do we get a car?
Xander: A car?
Anya: And a boat. No, wait, I - I don't mean a boat. I mean a puppy. Or a child. I have a list somewhere.
Xander: What are you talking about?
Anya: Just... we have get going. I don't have time just to let these things happen.
Xander: There's no hurry.
Anya: Yes there is. There's a hurry, Xander. I'm dying. I may have as few as fifty years left.
Xander: Fifty years? What is thi- Oh, wait a minute. This is about this.
[he touches her arm sling]
Anya: What about the sling?
Xander: You haven't been hurt like this since you became human.
[She nods reluctantly]
Xander: Maybe it's finally hitting you what being human means.
Anya: [she pouts] No, that's not it.
Xander: Yes, I think it is. You were gonna live for thousands of years.
[Anya nods]
Xander: And now you're gonna age and die. That must be terrifying.
Anya: You don't understand what it's like.
Xander: Being suddenly human? I think I can get what that would be like. And we can get through it together.
Anya: You can't make it any different. I'm going to get old. And... you can't promise you'll be with me when I'm... wrinkly and my teeth are artificial and stuck into my wrinkly mouth with an adhesive.
Xander: No, I can't promise that. But it doesn't sound terrible. And that's saying something. I promise you, Anya. Very soon you won't be thinking about getting older.

- Anya? An?
- Oh!

- Very posh.
- Oh, Slayer.
- One of these days.

[first lines]
Xander: I wish I had something food-like to offer you guys, but the hot plate's out of commission.
Anya: We thing the cat peed on it.

- Anya?
- Are you trying to use the hot plate again?
- Uh-oh.

[there are two Xanders]
Buffy: They're kinda the same now.
Giles: Yes, he's clearly a bad influence on himself.

Buffy: He ran away, huh?
Rupert: Um... sort of more, uh... turned and swept out majestically, I suppose. He said I didn't concern him.
Buffy: So a mythic triumph over a completely indifferent foe.
Rupert: Well, I'm not dead or unconscious, so I say bravo for me.

Rupert: I said, "Oh, dear Lord."
Buffy: You always say that.
Rupert: Well, it's always important.

Xander: I'm just... another great humiliation. And this time, it's even worse. This demon, he's, like, taking my life, and everyone's treating him... Everyone's treating him like a grown-up. Wil, I'm starting to feel like...
Willow: Like what?
Xander: Like... he's doing everything better. He's smarter and... I don't know. Maybe I should just let him have it. Take my life, please.
Willow: Xander, no! You-you're just tired and, and all soggy. That's why it seems so hard, but you can't let him just take your whole existence.
Xander: Why not? It's not like I was doing anything so great with it. When I get to the Pearly Gates, I'm sure the guy's not gonna go, "Hey, what a kick-ass comic-book collection. Come on in."

- Hey, you okay?
Willow: Buffy, he's gone.
- I'm fine.
- Easy. Easy.
Riley: He disappeared.
- That had to hurt.
- Yeah, yeah.
- Take it slowly.

Buffy: Well, if this guy wants to fight with weapons, I've got it covered from "A" to "Z". From ax to... zee other ax.

- Isn't anyone gonna tell me why there are two Xanders?
- I will, on the way to Giles's.
- Let's go.
- Oh, great. Rod boy.
- I will not miss again,
- Slayer.
- The gun! Pick up the little gun pieces!
- Hey, I just made a small cleaning deposit.

- Even for, you know, non-business stuff.
- Maybe we could, uh, do something?
- Please, lady.
- That is so not me.
- He's too clean, for one thing, and his socks are all matchy, and--
- Remember, anytime.

Rupert: He had a very specific... olfactory presence.
Xander: Well, I guess we're off to the old factory. I hate that place.

- In my trailer, okay? I'm talking to all the guys today.
- The job's winding down.
- Right.
- I'll be right there.
- Welcome to payback,
- Mr. Evil-Plan Face-Stealer.
- You take my life?
- You get my being fired absolutely free!
- Harris.
- Where's your hard hat?
- Sit down.

- I did not.
- Did I give you a headache, Mom?
- I'm sure part of it is Buffy's.
- But part of it is Dawn's.
- It's so nice you've learned to share.
- You girls sort this out yourselves.
- It's good for you.
- She didn't say
- I couldn't stand here. Hm.
- Ow!

Rupert: Er, um, we just need to arrange the candles. Also, we should continue to pretend we heard none of the disturbing sex talk.
Willow: Check. Candles and pretense.

[Willow comes into her room. Two seconds later, Xander rushes in]
Xander: [panicked] Don't be scared, Wil. Just listen. It's me, Xander. And I can prove it.
Willow: [confused] Um... Okay.
Xander: Let's see. Stuff only you and me know... Okay! On my seventh birthday, I wanted a toy fire truck and I didn't get it, and you were real nice about it, and then the house next door burnt down, and real fire trucks came, and for years I thought you set the fire for me. And if you did, you can tell me.
[laughs slightly before returning to the panicked state]
Xander: For a while last year, I thought I was lactose intolerant, but it was just some bad Brie. Oh! Every Christmas we watch "Charlie Brown" together, and I do the Snoopy dance.
[he does the dance. Willow watches, now with a little worried look as Xander gets more and more manic]
Willow: Xander, stop dancing.
Xander: Aha! You called me Xander!
Willow: Xander, shut up! Why wouldn't I think you were Xander?
Xander: Oh. Huh.
Willow: What's going on?
Xander: Okay. I woke up in the dump this morning.
Willow: Xander, the basement isn't a dump. It-It's more like a really nice hovel.
Xander: No. The dump. The city dump. I got hit last night. Fall down, boom. Woke up this morning.

Xander: A demon. A demon has taken my life from me and he's living it better than I do.
Willow: Uh... well, we're working on it. There has to be a way to get to Buffy to un-hypnotise her. I'll find a spell to snap her out of it.
Xander: Right. Whatever.
Willow: Xander, you sound a little... You have to help me figure this out, you know.
Xander: But I never help. I get in trouble, and Buffy saves me.
Willow: That's not true! Sometimes we all help to save you.

- How long you work here, Harris?
- Huh? I'm not sure.
- About three months?
- I guess. Yeah.

Xander: So you bought the Magic Shop, and you were attacked before it opened. Who's up for a swingin' chorus of the "We Told You So" symphony?

Riley: Hey, I'm well aware of how lucky I am, like, lottery lucky. Buffy's like nobody else in the world. When I'm with her, it's like... it's like I'm split in two. Half of me is just on fire, goin' crazy if I'm not touching her. The other half is so still and peaceful, just perfectly content. Just knows, this is the one... But she doesn't love me.

- Here we go.
- Brace yourselves.
- Let the spell be ended.
- You gotta be kidding.
- "Let the spell be ended."
- That's not gonna work.
- Oh.
- I liked it the other way.
- Put him back.

- Anya. Get out of the way.
- Xander!
- It's all right, Buffy.
- I have him.
- No, Buffy! I'm me!
- Help me!
- My gun.
- He's got my gun.
- You own a gun?
- Xander-- gun-holding Xander-- give it to me.

Anya: Well, maybe we shouldn't do this reintegration thing right away. See, I can take the boys home, and, you know... we can all have sex together, and then, um, you know, just slap 'em back together in the morning.
Xander: She's joking!
Xander: No she's not! She entirely wants to hae sex with us together, which is... wrong... and... and it would be very confusing.

Riley: Getting nostalgic?
Xander: I don't know. At first, it's just a place. And then you start to make memories, and then you're like... that's where Spike slept, and there, that's where Anya and I drowned the Sepavro demon. Oh! And right there, that's where I got my heart all ripped out... I really hate this place.

Willow: Ooh! There's a microwave! It would be like having hot and cold running popcorn.

[Buffy is commenting on a kung fu movie]
Buffy: Oh, give me a break! Uh! This is all wrong. See, first you would get the big guy, like, a flying kick, then you would take out the little ones, bam, bam! See? Now with the flying kick. From a dead stop. What's powering it? Raw enthusiasm?

Buffy: The city dump, where smells go to relax and be themselves.

Riley: Owning this place does seem kinda dangerous.
Rupert: [looking in a book] Toth.
Rupert: What?
Buffy: He called you a toth. It's a British expression. It means, like, moron.
Rupert: No. Toth is the name of the demon.

[Riley is staring at the two Xanders]
Riley: Psychologically, this is fascinating. Doesn't it make everyone want to lock them in separate rooms and do experiments on them?
[Giles and Buffy glare at him]
Riley: Just me then...

[Anya wants to keep the two Xanders apart to have a threesome together]
Anya: It's not like it'd be cheating... They're both Xander.

- It stole my face.
- We have to find it, and we have to kill it.
- She sees it's not me.
- Please, Buffy.
- Resist his spell.
- Do this for me.
- Don't worry, Xander.
- Whatever stole your face, it has to deal with the Slayer now.

- I've got it covered from "A" to "Z"-- from ax to...
- Zee other ax.
- Relax.
- Another day, another demon.
- Right.
- It'll be good.
- Hey...

Xander: Yeah, maybe it's definitely time to start lookin' for a new place. Something a little nicer. Buffy, you've been to Hell. They had one-bedrooms, right?

- Oh, yeah. She's all, like, "What's that?
- A cauldron?
- Who uses a cauldron anymore?"
- The last step of my forging is my pain-- the price with which
- I purchase... the death of the Slayer.
- Aah!

- Anya, you there?
- Look, I know you're still mad, but I figure you're probably sittin' there pretending you're not home but listening anyway.
- Am not.
- Look, I have something to show you.
- Meet me at the apartment.
- You know the one. 9:00.

[last lines]
Buffy: You got something else for me to carry?
Riley: Uh, you can help me pack this.
Buffy: Sure.
[they kiss]
Buffy: Mmm... Sure.

[Xander is split into two persons that can't exist without each other]
Buffy: If Xander kills himself, he's dead.
[Riley gives her a funny look]
Buffy: You know what I mean.