The Best How I Met Your Mother, Season 6, Episode 16 Quotes

Ted: They're actually called British Morning Socks.
Zoey: Don't get in your own way!

- Oh! You kil--
- You will be avenged.
- Come on! Come on!
- Kill me. I'm here! Kill me!
- Baby! You're back!
- Happy Valentine's Day,
- Lily pad.
- Oh!

Barney: [about Robin and her anti-Valentine's Day friends] Please, you might as well be dog-earing a tear stained bridal magazine while wolfing down the box of chocolates you had delivered to yourself at work from your fiancé that no one has ever met.
Bev: Gerard is real!

- I will be spending February 13 with some lovely single ladies from work--
- Trolls. who could care less about Valentine's Day.
- Lying trolls.
- And we will be celebrating that we don't have to spend it... with some dippy guy, carting around roses and stuffed toys all night.
- Oh, no offense, Ted.
- And none was taken until just then.

Marshall: I miss my dad, Ted... I miss him so much.
Ted: I know.
Marshall: When I was a kid, we would spend the summers in the upper peninsula. And every year we wouldn't get in the cabin till the middle of the night. And so, it'd be pitch black in the middle of the woods. I could never see anything in front of the headlights, but I always felt so safe... cause my dad was driving. He was like some sort of superhero that could just see way out into the darkness... and now he's just gone, and it's pitch black. I can't see where I'm going. I can't see anything...

Robin: Desperation Day had come and gone and you have neither gone nor come.

- and you have neither gone nor come.
- You know why?
- You like Nora.
- No, I don't. She's gross.
- You like her.
- You think she smells like rain.
- Whatever you say.
- Oh, hey, Nora.
- Nora!

- She needs this.
- Marshall, tomorrow's Valentine's.
- Don't you wanna be at home on our couch, cuddling up under a warm blanket, watching the Predator use his heat vision... to stalk helpless prey?

Lily: [Lily has had enough of Marshall being cooped up in the Eriksen house since the funeral, and Ted's presence does not help] Marshall, I'm going home.
Marshall: [pauses from game session with Ted, comes to Lily] What?
Lily: I'm flying out tonight before the big storm, and I want you to come with me.
Marshall: I can't right now, 'cause my mom needs me.
Lily: Well, I guess it's been helpful for her for you to be here playing Super Mario Kart for 14 hours a day...
Ted: [Surprised] You have Super Mario Kart?
Marshall: Hell, yeah.
[points to cartridge. Ted gets it and loads into the SNES]
Lily: ...but your mom doesn't need you. Your life in New York needs you, it needs you really bad.
Marshall: Baby, don't go.
Lily: [kisses Marshall and leaves] Please come home soon.

Barney: Loneliness... the looming specter of Valentine's Day fast approaching... the two key ingredients to my favorite day of the year - February 13th, Desperation Day.
Robin: That's not a thing
Barney: It's a thing. Much like Valentine's Day itself, Desperation Day dates back thousands of years.
[Visualizes Roman-era wedding]
Barney: Weddings were forbidden under ancient Roman law, so St. Valentine performed them in secret, under threat of death.
Ted: That's actually true.
Barney: Wait. There's more.
Ted: This won't be.
Barney: And right by St. Valentine's side was his best bro, St. Desperatius, there to pick off insecure bridesmaids.
[Cut to fantasy scene with Barney as St. Desperatius and Ted as St. Valentine. Desperatius sees woman who looks exactly like Robin]
Barney: [as St. Desperatius] Whoa! Check out that one, her body is a perfect X.
Ted: [as St. Valentine] Player! Play on! High V.
[high-fives]
Robin: [as Roman woman] Oh Jupiter! What are your plans for me? Fifteen and still unmarried.
Barney: [as St. Desperatius, to Robin] And I thought Pompeii was smoking.

[Discussing Zoey's invitation to bake cookies with Ted, the gang says it's a booty call]
Ted: That's crazy, she - she wants to bake...
Robin: Guys booty call girls after 2am with a drunkenly slurred "Whatcha doin'?", but when a lady booty calls a guy, she invents a respectable excuse to mask the fact that she wants to get stuck, real good. It's called class, Ted.

Barney: Every woman wants a date on Valentine's Day. That neediness reaches its climax - what up - on February 13th. A magical night, when a 10 has the self esteem of a 4, and the depraved enthusiasm of a 2. Now, there's only one thing you can't do.
Robin: Please say "widows."
Barney: Wherever you are, or whoever you're under, you must get home alone by 11:59 p.m. Otherwise, you're on a date on Valentine's Day.
Robin: Barney, Desperation Day assumes that all single women freak out about Valentine's Day.Which we do not. Case in point: I will be spending February 13 with some lovely single ladies from work...
Barney: [Interrupts] Trolls.
Robin: ...who could care less about Valentine's Day.
Barney: Lying trolls.
Robin: And we will be celebrating the fact that we don't have to spend it with some dippy guy carting around roses and stuffed toys all night. Oh, no offense, Ted.
Ted: And none was taken until just then.

Barney: February 13th, a magical night, where a Ten has the self esteem of a four and the depraved enthusiasm of a Two.