Top 100 Quotes From Joe Lo Truglio

Gina: She's got a type, which is really anyone but you.
Charles: Yeah, that was my ex-wife's type too.

Jake: Ever since I brought these tickets up, you guys have made my life absolutely miserable, but that ends now, because I've made a choice.
Terry: Cagney is sick. We don't know how long she has.
Charles: We do know for Nikolaj. It's 36 hours.

Rosa: What the hell? Danger just called and said you abandoned him, took information from a classified computer, and licked a roll of antique stamps.
Charles: The stamps were on me. I was curious about how old glue tasted. Answer, like a horse lollipop.

Jake: Let's bring it in, huh? "Suicide Squad" on three. Ready? One, two...
The: I don't touch other dudes' hands.
Charles: Whose hand is sticky?
Captain: It might be me. I ate a popsicle earlier.
Captain: It's probably Madeline. Cockroaches release a mucus-like secretion.

Amy: It's happening. Put on your head.
Charles: Oh, with pleasure. I love disappearing into a role. I'm Argyle James Hopford, a bachelor bunny who's carrying out a scandalous affair with a local goose.

Rosa: When Jason died seven days ago, I didn't give a rat's ass.
Charles: This is your speech?
Rosa: 'Cause I didn't understand why people care so much about their dumb dogs till I got a dumb dog myself. I've only had Arlo for a day and a half, but if anything happened to him, I would kill everyone in this room and then myself.

Jake: So you wanna talk about what happened before?
Charles: You mean the "you telling Pimento and not me that you're trying to make a baby" thing?
[stammers and squeaks]
Charles: No, no, I'm totally fine. Hey, coffee guy, how would you like be godfather to my son? Because a position just opened up.
Jake: Okay, we're talking about this. Look, you're being unfair. There's some things in my life with Amy that are just between her and me, and I need you to be okay with that.
Charles: Fine. You're right. I get it. I mean, it's not like you told anyone else.
Jake: Right. I mean... We told Rosa.
Charles: Rosa, that dud? Oh, why her and not me?
Jake: Sometimes you can be a little much.
Charles: [Very upset] A little much? A little much!
Jake: Yes, a little much.
Charles: Well, maybe, Jake, I have "Finding Dory" Disease too because right now I can't remember why we ever were friends!
Jake: Okay, see, once again, that was a little over the top.
Murk: Excuse me, my godson's dad, the crazy guy just ran away.
Jake: Oh, my God, he's gone. Pimento is gone.
Charles: Just like our friendship!

Charles: On it, Jakey. It's show time, here we go. I love this, we're like Batman and Alfred.
Rosa: You'd rather be Alfred than Robin?
Charles: He has access to the Batcave, plus, he gets to drive all of Batman's girlfriends home and dish.

Charles: I was just wondering if you would like to take my place in a little squad competition today.
Officer: Mm. I can't do competitions. I'm anti-dexterous.
Charles: Hmm?
Officer: It's when neither hand is good at anything.

Charles: I need your help moving this old miss Pacman machine I just bought.
Rosa: Why are you so obsessed with that game?
Charles: Because it's the sexiest video game ever. She's insatiable, Rosa. Insatiable. Insatiab...
Rosa: Stop saying "insatiable".

Charles: You know what they say, "Time flies when God pulls down His pants and takes a dump on your life".

Gina: [Gina has fixed the smoke machine] I fixed this!
Charles: It's working! How'd you do that?
Gina: I grew up with a smoke machine in the apartment, Charles. I like to enter the kitchen in the morning with vivacity.

Charles: We're friends. I was building up to call you "Ro-Ro" one of these days.
Rosa: That will never happen. In fact, you just lost "Rosa" privileges. From now on, you can call me "Diaz" or "hey you".
Charles: Come on, Rosa. Come on, hey you.

Jake: That sleep apnea mask is something else, huh?
Charles: I got to say, ever since I got her...
Jake: Her?
Charles: She touches my lips, Jake. She's a her.

Charles: I know that you hate Halloween. But stick with me and I promise you will love it.
Amy: Can you magically make everyone kind, sober, and fully-dressed?
Jake: "Kind, Sober, and Fully Dressed." Good news everyone, we found the name of Santiago's sex tape.

Jake: [Jake and Amy have just announced their pregnancy, but everyone reacts very unenthusiastically to the news] What the hell? I thought you guys would be more excited than that. Charles, you didn't even faint.
Charles: I'm so sorry, I'll try.
Charles: It's not working. Somebody choke me.
Rosa: On it.

Charles: I'm so excited, Captain. So how are we gonna do it?
Captain: [Gives him a folder] Here's everything you need to know.
Charles: [the paper in the folder is blank] It's blank.
Captain: It's a metaphor. You get nothing. You lose. Good day, sir.

Charles: This is it. My purpose is clear. I was put on this Earth to get you back in time to see your baby's birth.
Jake: I mean, you're a grown man with your own hopes and dreams.
Charles: [Decisively] My purpose is clear.

Charles: Wait. He's taking the kids for us?
Terry: It's just like getting a free babysitter.
Charles: This is incredible. People without kids are so stupid.

Jake: Look, Charles, don't look behind you, but I think we're being followed. I saw this guy when we were leaving the precinct, and he was in line at lunch, and now he's right behind us.
Charles: Is it someone you arrested?
Jake: I don't recognize him, but judging by the head-to-toe denim, I say he's either not American or deeply American. I'm thinking Ukraine or Kentucky.

Jake: [looking at a picture of the young Hitchcock and Scully] I can't believe I'm going to say this, but...
Charles: Meow!
Jake: No, that is not what I was gonna say, but, honestly? Yeah - meow. No offense, guys, but what the hell happened to you?
Scully: Are you body-shaming us?
Jake: No, I'm personality-shaming you. You were so alert and cool and job-doing.

Jake: [Looks around the bullpen, sees some big water bottles and starts formulating an idea] Bottles. Boyle. Bullpen.
Terry: What are you...
Jake: Uh-buh-buh. Bottles, Boyle, bullpen.
Jake: Bowling.
[Cut to Boyle, strapped on a chair, ready to act as a human bowling ball]
Jake: Behold, Brooklyn buddies, Boyle bullpen bottle bowling.
Charles: Beautiful.
Jake: Be brave, bro. Be brave. Bowl!
Rosa: [Boyle knocks over all the water bottles] Bam!
Charles: Bull's-eye!
Jake: Booyah!
Elderly: Babushka!
Jake: [Beat] Babushka!

Jake: I'm getting a text. Ooh. "I will see you soon, sir." Guess who that was.
Charles: Elton John.
Jake: What?
Charles: You said "sir," and that's on you.

Charles: I read to him every night.
Captain: Shakespeare? Tolstoy?
Charles: No, nothing that advanced.
Captain: Ye gods, are you reading him Dickens?

Terry: I designed the first part of the heist to be a scavenger hunt through memorable moments from the last eight years. It's a trip down memory lane.
Scully: Not a problem. I have the memory of a... the thing with the big nose and ears.
Charles: Prince Charles.
Jake: No.

Raymond: When we originally wed, we didn't know how long gay marriage would be legal, so we had a somewhat rushed ceremony. Kevin has always regretted it, so we're having a vow renewal ceremony. This time, we're pulling out all the stops. It's will be a truly extravagant affair.
Charles: Oh, how extravagant are we talking? Champagne pyramid?
Terry: Destination wedding?
Jake: Celebrity officiant?
Raymond: We got the salad forks! Can you believe it, a second fork? Who do we think we are?
[Everyone is left speechless]
Raymond: Oh no, you're shocked at how garish it is. Now I don't even want to tell you the other surprise I have in store for Kevin.
Jake: Wait, let me guess -- you're getting bread plates?
Raymond: Don't be absurd; we're not crazy. No, the big surprise is I'm retiring from the NYPD.
Terry: Wait...
Charles: What?
Jake: Why did you lead with the salad forks?

Raymond: I will not be using a loophole, Peralta. As always I will be using the main hole or no hole. I choose no hole.
Charles: You just said "hole" way too much, sir.
Jake: And that's coming from *Charles.*
Raymond: Yes, that is concerning.

Francis the Driver: So, you guys on MySpace?

Charles: So those threatening phone calls were being made to Tim Orsk of Tim O's Limos.
Hitchcock: That's interesting. This Orsk guy's name keeps cropping up in this case.
Charles: 'Cause he's the victim!

Charles: I was looking for more of an emotional connection. For example, my favorite meal is a simple roast chicken and potatoes. It was the only dish my mother knew how to cook, and when I eat it, I feel as though I am once again inside her womb.
[the Captain stares flatly]
Charles: What's your story behind a PB&J?
Captain: I want a sandwich. I make a sandwich. I eat... a sandwich.

Charles: We're about to have a good old fashion suck off.
Rosa: Don't call it a suck off.

Rosa: Hey, Boyle, I need a recommendation for a good restaurant. It's Marcus' birthday and I wanna do something... nice.
Charles: Oooh! You want, like, classic romantic or gastro-sensuous?
Rosa: Nope, never mind.
Jake: I know those categories. You guys are talking dates. Here's what you do. Invite him over, order some fancy take out, throw it in a pot, and act like you cooked it. I got the idea from Yahoo! Answers.
Rosa: Dude, I'm not gonna buy a pot. We're not married.

Terry: [to Charles and Rosa] What were you thinking, breeding guinea pigs at work?
Charles: We weren't breeding them on purpose, they're just very sexual creatures and we didn't wanna slut shame them.
Rosa: Yeah, sorry you're not more sex positive, Terry.

Jake: What's your problem with my dad?
Charles: I'm just being wary. He left you when you were seven, and he's been letting us down ever since.
Jake: Us?
Charles: I think of you as a brother, Jake, so he didn't just abandon you; He abandoned *us*.

Charles: Jake, by trusting him you're putting your job on the line, which means you're also putting my job on the line.
Jake: How so?
Charles: Because if you get fired, I will swim out into the ocean until I'm too tired to swim back and I will sink to the bottom and then I won't have a job.

Gina: What you doing there, Boyle?
Charles: Trying to get drunk enough to have sexual intercourse with a vegan.

Captain: And now it's time to send in our cute little secret weapon.
Charles: I'm ready, Captain. I love the nickname.
Captain: No, Charles, not you. I was talking about Cheddar.
Charles: Oh, right, obviously.
Captain: Over the past month, I've had him trained to retrieve plaques. And now, boy, it's time to make Daddy proud.
Charles: Yes, sir.
Captain: I could not have been more clearly talking to the dog.

Charles: I can't do this to my mouth, she's the love of my life.

Dr. Oliver Cox: Okay, so whoever did this, they weren't careful with the organs. They just sorta grabbed whatever and yanked.
Charles: Title of your sex tape. Oh, that's just something we say back at the Nine-Nine.
Dr. Oliver Cox: Interesting, 'cause around here sex tape is what we call the adhesive you use to reattach a severed penis.
Charles: Oh, I'll have to pick some of that up.
Jake: Why?

Jake: Sure, yeah, not a problem we'll be home by sunup. Just like a couple of sexy "Twilight" vampires.
[as Dracula]
Jake: I am Robert Pattinson. I vant to turn into a bat.
[normal voice]
Jake: I've never seen the movies.
Charles: No, me neither. They're an insult to the books.

Charles: Sorry, my partner doesn't believe in therapy.
Dr. Frederick Tate: Oh, that's fine. It's hard for some people.
Jake: Title of your sex tape.

Jake: I don't have feelings for Amy anymore. So, time for me to get out there and spread my wi...
Charles: ...legs.
Jake: Get out there and spread my legs?
Charles: Well, ei- either way...
Jake: No! Not either way. Only wings.

Jake: Hey, it was nice of you to let Pimento crash at your place last night. How'd it go?
Charles: Oh, well, he gave Nikolaj a haircut while he was asleep, but no weird memory stuff, so all in all, major win.
Jake: Great, so it sounds like he might be getting better.
Adrian: Ah, someone's trying to kill me!
Jake: Oh, boy, here we go again
Adrian: Ah, gah!
Jake: Pimento, Pimento, Pimento! Don't worry. Everything's okay. You've had some brain trauma, and it caused you to lose your memory. You're scared that you're in danger, but there is no evidence that anyone is trying to kill you. You're safe.
Adrian: Wait, wait, really? Whew, okay.
Adrian: Thank you. I was really worried, you know, 'cause of this gunshot wound.
Jake: Oh, my God, someone's trying to kill you!

Charles: Yippie kayak, other buckets!
Jake: Boyle, you did it! And you completely botched the catchphrase.
Charles: I'm pretty sure it was right.
Jake: No, but you did great.

Terry: [about the obnoxious sorority girls who got free from the holding cell] Oh, no. They're running free. Everyone, cover up your worst physical attributes.
Charles: It's no use. They could always find new ones.

Jake: All right, full disclosure. I was trying to do that Bible thing and then one of you was gonna take the high road and say that rather than see the tickets destroyed, you would just bow out, and then that person was gonna get the tickets.
Terry: Nope. If I don't get them, no one does.
Charles: Agreed. Boyles or bust.
Terry: Cut them up.
Jake: I'm not gonna do that. I'm just gonna have to think of another way to figure this out. Stupid Bible with stupid lessons never solved crap!

Terry: Charles, this Boyle bone broth is incredible. I'm not sore at all anymore.
Charles: I told you it works. The Boyles used to drink it during potato digging season to keep everyone healthy in the furrows.
Terry: You know, I bet we could sell this stuff.
Charles: You really think so?
Charles: We can call our company "The Bone Boys." No! "More Bone, Less Moan." No! "Workplace Bone Buds." That's the one. I'm registering it.

Charles: Oh, it's just my former lover. Hello sister.
Gina: Ugh, I hate when you say those things back to back.

Gina: Okay, but what's his body like on a scale from Charles to Terry?
Charles: Sorry, buddy.
Terry: What? I'm the ten.
Charles: Sure you are.

Charles: Oh, my wedding day. I should've known it was a mistake when she said, "I suppose," instead of, "I do."

Detective: Hello, my big, beautiful B.M.
Detective: Best man. Just best man is fine.

Jake: [Reading Pimento's tattoos] Okay, this one says "Buy toilet paper" in a truly gigantic font. I hate to think of the horrific event that led to a reminder of this size.
Charles: This says your bank account number is 432211378, then just under that, "Someone saw this and stole your money."

Charles: So what? You have money now, and you're just gonna take Nikolaj back?
Gintars: No, no, I don't want to take boy from you. I just want to meet him one time. Look, I know it's lot to ask, but, please. Nikolaj is my sex result.
Charles: Oh, yeah? Well, I walk your sex result to school every morning.
Jake: No, don't use his words.
Charles: I help your sex result with his homework.
Jake: This is bad, even for you.

Charles: And now Nikolaj says he's too frightened to ever sleep again, so that's just superduper.
Adrian: I don't understand what he's so scared about. If I was there to kill him, he never would've heard me.
Charles: A thing you told him several times.
Jake: God, Nikolaj is having such a rich childhood.

Jake: I think we need to find that hot dog cart guy.
Charles: Okay, fine. But who do we know that could find us a random New York hot dog guy?
Hitchcock: [Cut to Hitchcock and Scully, who arrive at the crime scene in slow motion, sunglasses on] So, you need a little help from the Weiner Warriors.
Jake: Well, I hate that. Just tell us what you know, please?
Hitchcock: There's Lou's Dogs, he serves 'em up real plump.
Scully: Big Mike's does two dogs per bun.
Hitchcock: Hank's Franks... great mustard selection.
Scully: Vicki's Vegan? I'd rather eat *bleep*.
Hitchcock: Charlie does an al dente dog, it's got a really nice chew.
Scully: Johnny Arkansas serves it Little Rock style, although he can serve it Razorback-style.
Jake: Okay, enough, enough! We don't have time for this! Just tell us who has a cart at 6th and 11th.
Hitchcock: Oh, there are no hot dog carts there.
Charles: What? Never?
Scully: No way.
Hitchcock: Not a chance!
Scully: Zoning issue. Forget about it, Jake. It's Hungertown.

Charles: Gina! It's our first annual Boyle-Linnetti Christmas. Are you excited about going to town on Daddy's nog?
Gina: [shouts] Christmas is cancelled. Charles ruined it.

Charles: Wow, I can't believe all those lazy childhood afternoons playing Hide The Yam paid off.

Mr. Edwards: Clark's a great guy, man. He's totally gonna take care of Angie, man. He's great; he's a wonderful lab partner, so... It's gonna be cool, he'll keep one eye on her.
Dale: Why don't you go fuck yourself, you weird little prick?
Mr. Edwards: I'm a teacher, okay? You can't talk to me like that, guy.
Dale: I'm not a student, so I can say whatever the fuck I want, you chimp-fucking little bastard.

Jake: We've been here too long. This is getting dangerous.
Charles: Danger is my maiden name.

Charles: So, what they got you in here for?
Alfonso: Drugs. They want me to flip, but I'm no snitch. I'd rather do the time. How about you?
Charles: I pushed a man, just to see him frown.

Charles: Desperate times call for Desperate Housewives.

Jake: Look, we can handle this, sir. Do we joke around sometimes? Yes, but when it's time to buckle down, we're seasoned professionals.
Charles: That's why they call us the Spice Boys.
Jake: They don't and they won't.

Francis the Driver: I'm gonna be totally honest with you. I have a warrant out for a totally nonviolent crime. Okay? There. Mercy Street, guys.
Seth: Well, I'll be honest with you for a second.
Francis the Driver: Okay.
Seth: You better get us a shitload of cash or a shitload of alcohol or you're going to fucking prison.
Evan: What are you doing, man? That's - You don't need to...
Francis the Driver: Okay.
Evan: No, let's not - Let's hang on a second here.
Seth: Cough it up.
Francis the Driver: Fine.
Evan: I don't know if we should be doing anything too official.
Francis the Driver: Let's work together. We're working together. It's like Let's Make a Deal. Here we go.
Seth: Seven bucks? Are you fucking serious? This isn't enough for anything. What are you, a 6-year-old?
Francis the Driver: It's all I have, man. That's all I have.
Seth: Well, you better think of something quickly, alright? Ah, my back!
Francis the Driver: No, no, no, no, no. Wait.
Seth: My back! Cops, my back.
Francis the Driver: Wait, don't do that. Alright, listen. I can get you alcohol. I'm going to this party right now, bro. Okay? It's got booze, it's got girls. Booze and girls equals... I don't know. Do you? I don't know. Do you? I think you do. Do you?

Charles: So how was the restaurant?
Charles: Why are you being weird?
Jake: Amy and I kissed.
Charles: WHAT?
Amy: To keep our cover from being blown, we didn't have a choice.
Charles: Tell me everything!
Jake: Charles, it was just a kiss, okay? It was for work, it was nothing.
Rosa: Yeah, who cares about a kiss? Call me if you grab each other's asses.

Charles: [Speaking to Hitchcock] You're as useless as that bomb sniffing dog that humps all the the bombs.

Russ: She shot me! She shot me in the leg.
Dotty: You made a sudden motion!
Russ: I sneezed!
Jake: Okay, Dotty, what do you have a gun for?
Dotty: To protect myself. Cops are all wimps now.
Dotty: My wife is having a baby and I have to be there to brush her hair.
Jake: I wasn't gonna brush her hair.
Charles: You weren't?

Charles: Look, all I know is, Charles Boyle is going to that funeral, and he's going to put the "bone" back in boneyard.

Charles: You tricked me, Rosa! And then you shipped me to New Jersey!
Rosa: First of all, grow up. Second of all, how'd you get back here so fast?
Charles: If you get a box wet enough, it's very easy to bust out of it.
Jake: No one ask any follow-ups.

Charles: I have an idea. So when my dad lost his flower shop, my Aunt Bruce...
Jake: Charles, we don't have time for a weird Boyle story right now. Just tell us your idea.
Charles: We make a scary hostage video where it looks like we're gonna kill C.J.
Jake: Ooh, I love that. Wait a minute. Your dad did that to save his flower shop? Was your aunt the hostage? What happened?
Charles: You said we didn't have time.
Jake: I didn't know it was the coolest story ever.
Charles: Oh, it is.
Jake: Well then, tell the whole thing and spare no detail.
Charles: Okay, so you know how Aunt Bruce can lactate on command?
Jake: Of course.
Rosa: Guys.

Amy: Charles, meet Mac.
Jake: Short for McClane.
Charles: As in Shirley? I love it.
Jake: No, as in John, from "Die Hard."
Charles: I mean, they're both incredibly cool. Only one Oscar winner.

Jake: Charles, why did you let Terry choose boxing?
Charles: He didn't. I picked it.
Jake: But you'll die.
Charles: Don't worry about it. Boxing's in my blood. My Nana Boyle boxed in the Navy.
Jake: I'm sure she did but... and hear me out... what if you're not as strong as your Nana Boyle?
Charles: I can handle myself. She taught me her signature punch; the Strawberry Basket.
Jake: That does not reassure me.

Charles: Patrols have searched a five-block radius. No sign of the perp.
Jake: And there were no prints. He was wearing gloves.
Charles: Like the inimitable Audrey Hepburn.
Jake: Nope.

Jake: Nuh-uh, I'm not gonna let the night shift win. Me and my main man Boyle are about to solve a case. Isn't that right, Charles?
Charles: Oh, you know we will. We'll call ourselves the Night Boys.
Jake: Kind of sounds like a male escort service.
Charles: The Midnight Men.
Jake: Even worse.
Charles: The Dark Stallions.
Jake: Looks like we're going with the Night Boys.

Captain: Tell me what I'm eating.
Charles: Fine. It's a sharp Vermont Cabot. Now describe what you taste.
Captain: Cheese.
Charles: [Encouragingly] And...
Captain: Cheese.

Jake: I think Holt got into my head. We might have to delay the press conference.
Charles: But this is the moment we've been waiting for. My dad's driving home early from his brother's funeral to watch it live.
Jake: Wait, he's doing what?
Charles: If you want me to put it in a better context, I can't. This was very important to him.

Frank: So now I'd like to move on to a real suspect. I wanna see detective Diaz in the box.
Jake: [Charles gasps] What... don't gasp for him. What are you doing?
Charles: I'm sorry. It just slipped out.
Rosa: Title of your sex tape.

Charles: Looks like the perp know what he was looking for. All he took was a shipment of thousand dollar limited edition Weezies, designed by,
[checks notebook]
Charles: Little Wayne.
Jake: Oh, it's *Lil*.
Charles: Oh, like Lilian. Lilian Wayne.
Jake: No.

Jake: [Jake and Charles try to solve a case by role-playing as two French burglars] But then, we hear a sound...
Charles: ...and I yell, "Les gendarmes! Ils sont ici!"
Jake: And I know what that means because I'm French, but I ask you to repeat it in English, just to be sure.

Jake: Guys. Guys, guys, guys. Three hour delay with no Holt or Terry? Do you have any idea what this means?
Charles: Make-overs!

Charles: [Trying to decide whether he should watch Jake and his son play together or film it] Oh, my God, this is a dream come true. I gotta get my phone, I gotta film this. Oh, but then I'll miss it. Oh, but I want it forever. Agh, but I should stay in the moment. Ah, but then I'll forget. Oh, my God, this is a nightmare!

Jake: Okay, you and Rosa follow Augustine.
Charles: Right. And you and Amy: follow your hearts.
Jake: No! We're gonna stay with the package.
Charles: And each other, forever.

Charles: Why do you think Dr. Tate's the murderer?
Jake: He already knew where the bathroom was. He's clearly been here before.
Charles: Well, he probably just guessed, because it's obvious.
Jake: This is New York. It's never obvious where the bathroom is. I once had an apartment where the toilet was literally in the refrigerator.

Charles: Gina, what the hell?
Gina: New phone, who dis?
Charles: You can't do that in person. It's Charles! Boyle, your co-worker.

Terry: I called my friend at the lab. He's gonna take the guinea pigs. They're not gonna do any chemical tests on them. They're just gonna teach them how to run mazes.
Charles: Really? I want you to look Claire 38 in the eye, and tell her that...
Terry: [Without hesitation] I'm sending you to a lab, Claire. Bye.

Jake: Boyle, why don't you show Danger what a fax machine is.
Charles: Okay. Imagine a letter had unprotected sex with a phone.

Charles: Preparing food for one's lover is the most intimate gift of all. Aside from washing their hair.

Rosa: Enough. I'm going to the dumb party but only because I don't want to hurt Marcus, I'm still super mad at you.
Charles: Like how you're super mad at Gilmore Girls for how the finale went down?
Rosa: I just wanna see Lorelai happy. And shut up!

Jake: Oh, that guy looks like he's wearing a skin mask over his own face, so I'm guessing it's Dr. Tate.
Charles: He has a normal man's face, Jake.
Jake: Yes, he does have a normal man's face, stretched out over his own face, because he is a Hannibal.

Charles: Oh, it's just my former lover. Hello, sister.
Gina: Ugh, I hate it when you say those things back to back.

Jake: Okay, just so we're clear, from this point forward, my call sign will be Death Blade.
Charles: And I'll be Rum Tum Tugger.
Jake: No, Boyle. No characters from 'Cats'.

Charles: Ever since Rosa gave me this baby, people have been treating me like I'm cool. The girl at the coffee shop even got the name on my cup right. It says "Charles," not "Cassie."

Charles: Imagine a letter and a phone had unprotected sex.

Rosa: Boyle, your turkey's here.
Charles: [Appears dressed in a plastic suit, sharpening a butcher's knife with an ax] All right, let's do this. Pretty cool, huh? I feel like Dexter. I think. I never actually saw the show. Billboard gave me nightmares.

Charles: Captain, De Angelo has a place upstate, the local sheriff says there's a car in the driveway right now. He must be there.
Captain: Okay, they're going to have to raid the place without us, it'll take us two hours to get there.
Jake: Or we could take...
Captain: We are not taking a helicopter.
Jake: You know I was going to say "chopper".
Captain: Look, Peralta, I know you're having fun, but a helicopter is exactly the kind of wasteful expenditure that Wuntch will use to bury me if something goes wrong.
Jake: Okay, sir...
Captain: Or. It's the kind of thing she'll crucify me for not getting. "You could've had a copper, Raymond, why didn't you take advantage? Just a minute, my cauldron's boiling over."
Jake: Yeah, but what she actually said was:
[Using strange accent]
Jake: "Chopper's yours, Peralta."
[In his own voice]
Jake: Your impression was better.
Captain: What did you do?
Jake: She may have called me, and I may have briefed her, and she may have said "yes" to the chopper because it's definitely on its way right now!
Charles: I call middle seat!

Captain: And so concludes this year's Secret Santa drawing. Just a quick reminder of the rules: $40 limit, no perishable items, and no homemade massage coupons, Hitchcock.
Hitchcock: Fine, then everyone'll have to pay full price for them.
Jake: Oh, Captain. I would like a $40 gift card to any restaurant that serves nachos.
Captain: I don't have you, Peralta.
Jake: Not only do I know that you do indeed have me, but I also know who everyone else has.
Terry: That's not possible.
Jake: Perhaps not for an ordinary man such as yourself, Jeffords. But for the brilliant mind of Detective Sherlock Peralta - I legally changed my name - it's quite simply... elementary. For, you see, Amy made a face I only recognized from our bedroom, which means that she has Captain Holt. Charles has Terry. His eyes keep shifting over to him.
Charles: [shifts eyes to Terry] No, I don't.
Jake: Terry looked disgusted, which means he has Hitchcock. Rosa didn't draw a name, nor did she put one in. She doesn't wanna participate.
Rosa: Never do.
Jake: Hitchcock moves his mouth when he reads and he quite clearly said Char-les.
Hitchcock: I did get Char-les.
Jake: Scully has Amy. He's hold his paper name-side out.
Scully: Oh, he's good.
Jake: And I have Scully, which means Captain Holt has me. I'll be taking that gift card. Daddy loves nachos.

Captain: Wait. Why is he writing the solution to my formula for no reason? And why is he drawing colorful underpants beneath it?
Charles: Oh, I see what's happening. He's drawing Boy Riga, loyal sidekick to his favorite cool superhero, Captain Latvia.
Nikolaj: That's his symbol. He distributes grain evenly among the working class.

Jake: What's gross about pancakes with butter and maple syrup?
Charles: You've completely abandoned the pancake part. Now you're just eating butter with syrup on it.
Jake: Yeah, I cut out the carbs. This is me being healthy.

Jake: So, Caleb, we're tracking a serial killer and I was thinking you could help us get inside his head.
Caleb: Just because I ate humans doesn't mean I'm INhuman, Jake.
Jake: Caleb, c'mon that's not what I meant.
Caleb: Just kidding, I'm probably friends with the guy online.
Caleb: What's his deal?
Jake: Well he's been murdering young men and cutting out their hearts.
Caleb: Ew.
[Jake and Charles make surprised faces]
Caleb: What, I would never eat a heart. I stick to the normal stuff, butts and thighs. One time I ate a foot but it was nasty.
Jake: I can see that.
Caleb: You know what, there was some weird guy on the forum recently.
Charles: Forum?
Caleb: Yeah, it's a chat room for people who like to talk about eating human beings but definitely won't act on it, wink. Yeah, it's hosted on...
Jake: Reddit.
Caleb: Obviously.

Kayla: Oh, yuck, none of you are cute with the lights fully on.
Charles: You wanna play mean girl, Kayla? Two can play at that game. Let's talk about your bangs.

Charles: Texting... that's the most intimate thing you can do to a lover with your fingers... other than washing their hair.