100 Best Katey Sagal Quotes

Susan: Why did you have to go to jail?
Randall: It's called getting caught, mother!

Fry: Did you build the Smelloscope?
Professor: No, I remembered that I'd built one last year. Go ahead, try it. You'll find that every heavenly body has its own particular scent. Here, I'll point it at Jupiter.
Fry: Smells like strawberries.
Professor: Exactly. And now, Saturn.
Fry: Pine needles. Oh, man, this is great... hey, as long as you don't make me smell Uranus.
Leela: I don't get it.
Professor: I'm sorry, Fry, but astronomers renamed Uranus in 2620 to end that stupid joke once and for all.
Fry: Oh. What's it called now?
Professor: Urrectum. Here, let me locate it for you.
Fry: No, no, I, I think I'll just smell around a bit over here.

Gemma: You gotta go see him, Jax.
Jackson: I can't.
Gemma: Why? He'll break your heart? It's called being a father.
Jackson: For how long? A day? A week?
Gemma: You know, you were born with that same heart defect your little brother had.
[She lightly punches his chest]
Gemma: Seems pretty sturdy to me. I've been through hell, landed on my feet. Your father was hit by a goddamn semi, dragged 178 yards. And that bastard lived for two more days. Tellers do not die easy.
Jackson: No, we just die bloody.

Turanga: Fry, this isn't healthy. You're living in the past.
Fry: I'm rich! I can live whenever I want!
Turanga: But we live here, in the year 3000.
Bender: Yeah! Now, are you gonna come to the squid fights with us or sit here wallowing in your prehistoric junk?
Fry: Junk? Maybe you can't understand this, but I finally found what makes me happy, and it's not friends, it's things.
Bender: I'm a thing.

Alex: Gemma! Gemma, where you going?
Gemma: To find Jax and Tara.
Alex: No, no, no, you heard what Clay said! Family stays put!
Gemma: You got two choices, Tigger: tackle me or tag along.
Alex: Now look, I got nothing but adoration for you. Why you gotta give me such a hard time for?
Gemma: It's my nature. I'm a giver!
Alex: This is why I beat hookers.

Fry: Now, if you'll excuse me, it's eight o'clock. Time to get biz-zay.
[listens to "Baby Got Back" on his stereo; Leela turns it off]
Leela: Fry, you can't just sit here in the dark and listen to classical music!
Fry: I could've if you didn't turn on the lights and shut off the stereo!

Leela: You guys were totally out of control.
Smitty: It's our job. We're peace officers.

Fry: Hurry up! I wanna get to the moon!
Leela: Relax. It's open 'til nine.

Leela: [sensually] Pleeease, Big Z!

Gemma: When it comes to finding a good old lady, you don't get what you want, Rat. You get what you *are*.

Wyatt: I'll drink to that.
Susan: Haven't you had enough?
Wyatt: Penny drinks more'n I do.
Penny: Well, I learned from the best.
Wyatt: Aw.

Turanga: Just make a simple cake. And this time, if someone's going to jump out of it, make sure to put them in after you cook it.

Fry: W-What are we gonna do?
Leela: I don't know! I don't know! It's not an easy decision. If only I had two or three minutes to think about it.
[the show goes to commercial]

Fry: Stop! One more step and I'll breathe fire on you!
Leela: He'll do it! He's crazy.
Orange: Can humans really do that, or did we just made that up?
Blue: I think it was from that movie.
Green: Was that the original or the remake?
Blue: I'm not sure... Hey, they're getting away!

Fry: Hey, whatcha' watchin'?
Bender: [hastily turning off the TV] Uh, nothin'!
Leela: Was that a cooking show?
Bender: No, of course not! It was, uh... porno! Yeah, that's it!
Leela: [turning the TV back on] Bender! I didn't know you liked cooking. That's so cute.
Bender: Aww, it's true. I've been hiding it for so long...
Fry: It's okay Bender, I like cooking too.
Bender: Pansy.

Louise: Is leaving an option. I-I didn't...
Harris: Apparently, leaving is only an option for strangers. If you're family, you're trapped here.
Darlene: Oh, good. You finally get it.
Becky: I trust you, Harris. Then again, I'm not a psycho control freak.
Darlene: Hey, you know what? You got you're own kid to screw up now. Stay away from mine.
Dan: Hey, take it down a notch!
Jackie: Hey, don't yell at Becky 'cause you're in over your head in all parts of your life!
Darlene: Oh, ha ha ha ha! Hilarious coming from you!
Jackie: No, you know what's hilarious, is the person who was sleeping around and neglecting her kids is the one telling everybody else how to live their life!
Darlene: Yeah, have another glass of water, Jackie! Dilute some of that tequila!
Jackie: This isn't tequila talking! This is the truth! You think you're the almighty decision maker around here? Huh? You think you can replace Roseanne as the Mom of this family? What a joke!
Jackie: Jackie, enough!
Darlene: You want to talk about my Mom? Let's talk about her! 'Cause she spent her entire life trying to fix you and every time she picked you, you fell down! You know why? Because you're a loser and you were the bane of her existence!
Harris: Don't you ever touch my Mother!

Turanga: Do we really need to wear these top hats?
Bender: I don't think you realize how rich he really is. In fact, I should put on a monocle.

[Fry and Leela are taking a ride on the Moon Park]
Moon: The story of lunar exploration started with one man - a man with a dream.
Animatronic: One of these days, Alice. Bang. Zoom. Straight to the moon.
Leela: Wow! I never realized the first astronauts were so fat.
Fry: That's not an astronaut, it's a TV comedian! And he was just using space travel as a metaphor for beating his wife.

Edna: Sorry. It's these stupid...
[Edna hacks and coughs into a pot full of food]
Edna: ...health codes.

[to Fry, just after he arrives in the year 2999]
Leela: Well, at least here you'll be treated with dignity. Now strip naked and get on the probulator.

Leela: I don't get it, Fry. Who was Ted Danson, and why did you bid ten thousand dollars for his skeleton?
Fry: I have an idea for a sitcom.

Fry: What if I don't wanna be a delivery boy?
Turanga: Then you'll be fired.
Fry: Fine.
Turanga: Out of a cannon, into the sun.

Gemma: Looks like the boy might actually see his first birthday.
Wendy: He made it? Oh Abel, thank God!
Gemma: Yes! Thank you, God. Maybe... we should say a little prayer.
Wendy: Okay... That'd be good.
Gemma: Dear God... Thank you for saving this boy... From his murderous, junkie mom. Who cared more about a $40 dollar fix than she did her own flesh and blood.

Leela: Fry, we have a crate to deliver.
Fry: Well let's just dump it in the sewer and say we delivered it.
Bender: Too much work. Let's burn it and *say* we dumped it in the sewer.

Leela: Hurry, before we freeze.
Bender: What do you mean "we", mammal?

Leela: We recycle everything. Robots are made out of old beer cans.
Bender: Yeah, and this beer can is made out of old robots.
Leela: And that sandwich your eating is made out of old, discarded sandwiches. Nothing just gets thrown away.
Fry: The future is disgusting!

Margaret: [Just walked in on Gemma in Tara's office. Gemma has a book in front of her] Oh. Sorry. Is Tara expecting you?
Gemma: No. I, uh...
[Holds up the book]
Gemma: I was just doin' some research.
Margaret: [Reads the book title] Sono-anatomy and Feasibility of Ultrasonic Graphic Guidance in Term and Pre-term Neonates.
Gemma: It's a trilogy.

Leela: Face it, Fry. Baseball was as boring as mom and apple pie. That's why they jazzed it up.
Fry: Boring? Baseball wasn't... Wait. So they finally jazzed it up.

Gemma: Why is she here?
Jackson: That's not your concern.
Gemma: No, it's not. But, it should be yours.
Jackson: You know what, Mom? I kind of have a few things on my plate today. Like burying my best friend, so your need to be loved, worshiped and adored is a little low on my list today.

Robot: Be you robot or human?
Leela: Robot, we be.
Fry: Yep, just two robots out roboting it up.
Robot: Administer the test.
Robot: Which of the following would you prefer? A. a puppy; B. a flower from your sweetie; or C. a large, properly formatted data file? Choose!
[Fry and Leela discuss in whispers]
Fry: Is the puppy mechanical in any way?
Robot: No. It is the bad kind of puppy.
Leela: Then we'll go with that data file.
Robot: Correct.
Robot: The flower would have also been acceptable.
Robot: You may pass.

Fry: Look, Leela. I'm sorry. I never should have dragged you out here.
Leela: That's right, you shouldn't have. I still don't get what the big attraction is.
Fry: I never told anybody this, but a thousand years ago I used to look up at the moon and dream about being an astronaut. I just didn't have the grades, or the physical endurance. Plus I threw up a lot, and nobody liked spending a week with me.
Leela: A week would be a little much.
Fry: The moon was like this awesome, romantic, mysterious thing, hanging up there in the sky where you could never reach it, no matter how much you wanted to. But you're right. Once you're actually here, it's just a big, dull rock. I guess I just wanted you to see it through my eyes, the way I used to.
[the window reflects off Fry's helmet; Leela looks outside and sees a beautiful moonscape with the Earth in the sky]
Leela: Fry, look. It really is beautiful. I don't know why I never noticed it before.

Leela: You know Zapp, once I thought you were a big pompous buffoon. Then I realised that inside, you were just a pitiful child. But now I realise that outside that child is a big pompous buffoon!
Captain: And which one rocked your world?

Bender: You people are nuts. My antenna never interfered with my old TV.
Leela: You had cable. This is satellite.

Fry: You know the worst thing about being a slave? They make you work, but don't pay you or let you go.
Turanga: That's the only thing about being a slave.

Marge: [thinking] Don't mention her eye, don't mention her eye.
Turanga: [thinking] Don't mention her hair, don't mention her hair.
Marge: Eye... am so pleased to meet you.
Turanga: Nice to be hair!

[last lines]
Susan: Penny, I don't know what I was worried about; your friends are just lovely.
Penny: Aw, thanks, mom.
Susan: Although that Sheldon is a bit peculiar.
Penny: Is he? I never noticed.
Wyatt: Reminds me of that turkey we had who drowned looking up at the rain.
[they all laugh heartily]
Randall: Cops! Cops! Be cool.

Margaret: What in Gods name happened?
Gemma: I flew my broomstick in to a brick wall.

Gemma: [Walks into the office to see Piney drinking tequila] Mexican for lunch?

Gemma: Thank you, Chucky.
Chucky: You're my best friend, Gemma.
Gemma: I accept that.

Gemma: I love you.
Clarence: [to himself after she leaves] That love's gonna kill me.

Captain: So, crawling back to the big Z like a bird on its belly. Delicious.
Leela: Birds don't crawl.
Captain: They'd been known to.

Gemma: That's what we do when family needs us. Things we wouldn't do otherwise.

Fry: Hey, you have no right to criticize the 20th century. We gave the world the light bulb, the steam boat and the cotton gin.
Leela: Those things are all from the 19th century.
Fry: Yeah, well, they probably just copied us.

Gemma: How'd you think this was gonna play out? Best case scenario, your plan worked. You divorce Jax, either you or Wendy take those boys on up to Oregon or wherever. Did you really think Jax was gonna let that happen?
Tara: He'd have no choice.
Gemma: Do you have any idea who your husband is? What he's capable of?
Tara: I know him better than you do.
Gemma: Oh, no. Clearly you don't.
[pauses]
Gemma: My son loves deep... hates deeper. It's in our genes. Betrayal is unforgivable. What you did, what you were planning to do... there's no coming back from that. All you can do now is tell him you're sorry and go away.
Tara: I'll never do that. Not without my sons.
Gemma: You need to hear this, Tara. And understand it on every level. Thomas and Abel will not be raised by you. What you do now will determine how we deliver that message. Mommy moved away... or Mommy passed away. Your call.

Gemma: [about Clay] No. He not going down by law. He's gonna die...... by the hand of a son.

Louise: Is leaving an option? I, I don't...
Harris: Apparently, leaving is only an option for strangers. If you're family, you're trapped here.
Darlene: Oh, good. You finally get it.
Becky: I trust you, Harris. Then again, I'm not some psycho control freak.
Darlene: Hey, you know what? You got your own kid to screw up now. Stay away from mine.
Dan: Hey, take it down a notch!
Jackie: Hey, don't yell at Becky 'cause you're in over your head in all parts of your life.
Darlene: Oh.
[laughs sarcastically]
Darlene: Hilarious coming from you.
Jackie: No, you know what's hilarious is the person who is sleeping around and neglecting your kids is the one telling everybody else how to live their life.
Darlene: Yeah, have another glass of water, Jackie! Dilute some of that tequila!
Jackie: This isn't tequila talking! This is the truth! You think you're the almighty decision-maker around here? Huh! You think you can replace Roseanne as the Mom of this family? What a joke!
Dan: Jackie, enough!
Darlene: You wanna talk about my Mom? Let's talk about her... 'cause she spent her entire life trying to fix you! And every time she picked you up, you fell down! You know why? 'Cause you're a loser and you were the bane of her existence!
Harris: [Jackie slaps Darlene across the face] Don't you ever touch my Mother!

Leela: Dear Captain's diary: I may not have found love on this mission, but I did find a cute little companion who excretes starship fuel, and that's just as good.
[tears out page and throws it away]

Fry: Where are we going?
Leela: Nowhere special. The moon.
Fry: The mo - the moon? The moon moon? Wow! I'm going to be a hero, like Neil Armstrong and all those other brave guys no one ever heard of.

Tara: This might be your most insidious move yet.
Gemma: You have to be more specific.

Chief: And if she goes away, what happens to them? And don't give me all that club and family rhetoric. I'm talking about the day-to-day of it, Gemma. Who takes care of them?
Gemma: I do.
Chief: Really? You think you're up to that?
Gemma: You saying I'm too old?
Chief: I'm saying being a grandma and-and being a mom are two different jobs.

Fry: I'm never gonna get used to the 31st century. Caffineated bacon? Baconated grapefruit? ADMIRAL Crunch?
Leela: Well, if you don't like that, try some ARCHDUKE Chocula.

[Fry has woken up 1000 years into the future and met Leela]
Fry: [gasps] Is that blimp accurate?
Leela: Yep. It's December 31st, 2999.
Fry: My god, a million years...

Leela: If everyone is done being stupid...
Fry: I had more, but go ahead.

Turanga: I'm sorry you had to see that, Fry, usually I let my sadness fester quietly inside as a Mental Illness.

Gemma: You a pimp?
Nero: I'm a companionator. I bring people together. I'm all about the love.

Moon: No one really knows when, where, or how man landed on the moon...
Fry: I do!
Moon: ...but our Fungineers imagine it went something like this.
[Animatronic whalers emerge from a lunar lander]
Animatronic: [singing] We're whalers on the moon.
Animatronic: We carry a harpoon.
Animatronic: But there are no whales, so we tell tall tales and sing a whaling tune.
Fry: That's not how it happened.
Leela: Oh, really? I don't see you with a Fungineering degree.

Professor: Behold, the death clock. Simply jam your finger in the hole, and this readout tells you how long you have to live.
Leela: Does it really work?
Professor: Well, it's occasionally off by a few seconds, what with free will and all.
Fry: Sounds like fun. How long do I have to live?
[sticks his finger in the hole; the professor looks and whistles]
Bender: Ooh! Dibs on his CD player!

[Fry and Leela meet]
Fry: Can I ask you a question?
Leela: As long as it's not about my eye.
Fry: Uhh...
Leela: Is it about my eye?
Fry: Sort of.
Leela: [sighs] Just ask the question.
Fry: What's with the eye?
Leela: I'm an alien.
Fry: [excited] Cool, an alien. Has your race taken over the Earth?
Leela: No, I just work here.

Gemma: What are you doing, Gem?
Wayne: You're a smart man, Wayne. I'm sure you know the answer to that.

Fry: Look, I don't understand this world, but you obviously do, so I give up. If you really think I should be a delivery boy, then I will.
[he holds out his hand for Leela to implant the occupation chip; instead, she removes hers]
Fry: Your chip. What are you doing?
Leela: Quitting.
Fry: Why?
Leela: Because I've always wanted to. I just never realized it until I met you.

[Fry has been using the ship engines to dry his hair]
Leela: Fry, what were you thinking? You're getting a huge dose of radiation!
Fry: And great lift.

Fry: I can't believe it! I thought you had some standards. I mean, he's a dumb, gross gorilla.
Leela: Don't you think I feel bad enough already?
Fry: No.

Leela: Should we really be celebrating? I mean, what if the second ball of garbage returns to Earth like the first one did?
Fry: Who cares? That won't be for hundreds of years.
Professor: Exactly. It's none of our concern.
Fry: That's the twentieth century spirit.

Gemma: I was talking to April Hobart. What do you think about letting Kyle come tomorrow?
Clarence: I don't think about it. Opie went to prison cause of that asshole. He's excommunicated.
Gemma: It's not for Kyle. April stayed in Charming when you stripped his patch, divorced him.
Clarence: She divorced him cause he was nailing everything with two sets of lips. The answer is no.

Turanga: I'm not attracted to Bullies.

Turanga: Good job, Kif!
Kif: [starts crying]

Gemma: [after she and Maureen caught Jax and Trinity together] This is very bad.
Maureen: Agreed. Little slut!
Gemma: Yeah, he is. Well, unless we want a 3-headed grandchild, looks like we're gonna hafta share some family history.

[Checking out an appartment that looks like an M.C. Escher print]
Leela: Wow, this is fantastic.
Fry: I don't know, I don't want to pay for an extra dimension we're not going to use.

Leela: Well, if the oxygen holds out, we might live long enough to starve to death.

Fry: Can I do the countdown?
Leela: Huh? Oh, sure. Knock yourself out.
Fry: Ten.
[ship takes off]
Fry: Nine.
[ship reaches the moon]
Leela: Okay, we're here.
Fry: [quietly] Eightsevensixfivefourthreetwooneblastoff.

Jackson: Is Nero around?
Gemma: [Referring to Colette] Um... Your blonde mommy fetish out there... said that he'd be back in a few hours.
Jackson: [laughing] First of all, if I had a mommy fetish, I'd be hookin' up with some psycho dominatrix.
Gemma: Seems unfair.
Jackson: Second, I think the phrase "mommy fetish" coming out of the mouth of my own mother should never happen again.
Gemma: I just call it like I see it, babe.

Leela: [Bender is serving first meal on ship and she whispers to the rest of crew] This is Bender's first meal as chef and he's a little sensitive. So let's try and be supportive.
Leela: [Everyone takes a bite and gags] Oh Dear God!

Leela: Hold still, dammit! I don't have good depth perception

Tara: Where are we going?
Gemma: Forward, sweetheart.

Steven: [Hyde and his mother are heard arguing inside of the house] It's still my suitcase!
Edna: Nothing in this house is yours!
Steven: [Comes out of the house] Shut up!

Leela: I could have liked Zapp Brannigan if he wasn't a pompous nit-wit who threw me in prison.
Bender: You really are too picky.

Gemma: You so much as flash a pretty grin at him-I will jam my fist so far up your bony ass, your cup size will double.

Leela: Wait a minute. We know they hate humans, but how do they feel about humanoid aliens?
Prof. Hubert J. Farnsworth: They're not fans.

Turanga: You're Fry's relative. Do you have any idea how he got so crazy?
Professor Hubert J. Farnsworth: Uh, what? Oh, yeah, they say madness runs in our family. Some even call me mad. And why? Because I dared to dream of my own race of atomic monsters, atomic supermen with octagonal shaped bodies that suck blood...

Edna: They're all gonna laugh at you!
Steven: Shut up, Ma! You're making the night too damn special!

Turanga: So long, jerkwads!

Clarence: What did you do?
Gemma: Same thing you did. Nailed some little tart from Nevada.
Clarence: All the shit I got coming outta my ears and you go and do this.
Gemma: You should have thought of that before your dick went on a cheerleader hunt.
Clarence: I didn't ask her to come here.
Gemma: But she's here.
Clarence: Well that's not my fault.
Gemma: And it's not my pussy.

Lisa: I can't believe you're all giving up without a fight.
Turanga: Lisa, we're just a package-delivery service.
Philip J. Fry: And not a very good one!

Leela: I know you like cooking shows, but you're a robot. You don't even have a sense of taste.
Bender: Honey, I wouldn't talk about taste if I was wearing a lime green tank top.

Gemma: Oh, and uh... I'm not sure why you're carrying a gun, but make sure you're safe. No serial numbers.

Clarence: [Made love with Gemma after his release from prison] Damn, that was fast.
Gemma: Yeah, that's cuz you're used to speed bangin' Juice in dark hallways.
Clarence: Hey, don't turn what Juice and I had into something cheap and tawdry.
Gemma: [laughing] I'm sure it was sweet Puerto Rican magic.

Gemma: I need you to open the back gate for me.
Chuck: Where ya going?
Gemma: I got to, uh... test drive that Beemer. Quality assurance.
Chuck: You're lyin' to me. Right?
Gemma: That's right.

Kif: The jackass wants to see you in his quarters.
Leela: Good. This will be my chance to reason with him, captain to captain.
Kif: He also requests that you wear this.
[Kif holds up a skimpy costume. Leela ignores it and knocks on Zapp's door]
Captain: [sexily] Come and get it!

Jackson: You okay? You look like hell.
Gemma: It's where I'm livin', Jackson.

Gemma: So, what's that gonna look like? Me, in Canada?
Clarence: We'll get you setup someplace safe, off the grid - getcha good papers
Alex: Maybe you go redhead for a while
Gemma: Oh, Christ! I'd rather shave my head.

Leela: Could you guys please stop talking about my personal life?
Professor: Yes, let's all talk about Leela's personal life later.

Turanga: Fry, you don't have an artistic bone in your body!
Fry: I'll have you know that I bejazzle my own underpants!

Gemma: You think... you think God forgives you for doing bad things? I - I mean like really... bad shit.
Reverend: God forgives absolutely. We're the ones who usually can't.

Leela: We'd be killed instantly if we set foot on the surface, so we need to look and act like robots.
Fry: [robotic voice] I am fully operational.
Leela: We need to move like robots, talk like robots, and if necessary, solve complex differential equations like robots.
Fry: I can sort of dance like a robot.
[does the robot]
Leela: Fry, first of all, this is serious. And second of all...
[does the robot better]

Susan: It's just we're meeting Leonard's parents for the first time and, and they're academics and, and intellectuals and I don't want them thinking we're white trash.
Randall: Well, what color trash do you think they'll believe?

Gemma: You coming to dinner tomorrow night? I'm picking up steaks from the German.
Jackson: Oh you know it.
Gemma: You should bring Chibs and that new kid.
Jackson: New kid doesn't eat meat.
Gemma: Don't patch him in; can't trust anyone who doesn't eat meat.

[Leela defends Nibbler]
Leela: Leave him alone. It's not his fault that he's an unstoppable killing machine.

Leela: We're out of fuel! Bender, I told you to refuel before we left!
Bender: I'll do it when we get back.

Leela: I don't care how many eyes a guy has. As long as it's less than five.

Fry: So, you're telling me they broadcast commercials into people's dreams?.. But how is that possible?
Professor Hubert J. Farnsworth: It's very simple. The ad gets into your brain just like this liquid gets into this egg. Although in reality it's not liquid, but gamma radiation.
Fry: That's awful. It's like brainwashing.
Leela: Didn't you have ads in the 20th century?
Fry: Well, sure, but not in our dreams. Only on TV and radio, and in magazines, and movies, and at ball games, and on buses, and milk cartons, and T-shirts, and bananas, and written on the sky... But not in dreams.