20 Best Nick Offerman Quotes

Lou: It's a diner robbery in Minnesota, Karl. Not a presidential assassination.
Karl: Oh, sure. That's how it starts... with something small like a break-in at the Watergate Hotel. But just watch. This thing's only getting bigger.

Frank: Bill... Bill. Come here. Well, I'm not gonna give you the 'every day was a wonderful gift from God' speech. I have had a lot of bad days. I have had bad days with you, too. But, I've had more good days with you than with anyone else. So give me one more good day. Starting now. Make me some toast. Then take me to the boutique, where I'll pick outfits for us. You'll wear what I ask. We'll get married, and you'll cook a delicious dinner. Then you will crush all of these up, put them in my wine. I will drink it. Then you will take me by my hand, bring me to our bed. Then I will fall asleep in your arms.
Bill: [crying] I can't. I can't.
Frank: Do you love me?
Bill: [confidently] Yes.
Frank: Then love me the way I want you to.

Rosita: Norman, would you please tell them what a good singer I am?
Norman: Oh yeah, you were great. By the way, the bathroom sink is blocked again. Bye, honey.

Dick: I just have to ask you one thing. Something I've never understood.
Ray: All right.
Dick: That day we met, when we gave you the tour...
Ray: Uh-huh. What about it?
Dick: We showed you everything. The whole system, all of our secrets. We were an open book. So why didn't you just...
Ray: Steal it? Just, grab your ideas and run off, start my own business... using all those ideas of yours. It would have failed.
Dick: How do you know?
Ray: Am I the only one who got the kitchen tour? You must have invited lots of people back there, huh?
Dick: And?
Ray: How many of them succeeded?
Dick: Lots of people started restaurants.
Ray: As big as McDonald's?
Dick: Of course not.
Ray: No one ever has and no one ever will because they all lacked that one thing... that makes McDonald's special.
Dick: Which is?
Ray: Even you don't know what it is.
Dick: Enlighten me.
Ray: It's not just the system, Dick. It's the name. That glorious name, McDonald's. It could be, anything you want it to be... it's limitless, it's wide open... it sounds, uh... it sounds like... it sounds like America. That's compared to Kroc. What a crock. What a load of crock. Would you eat at a place named Kroc's? Kroc's has that blunt, Slavic sound. Kroc's. But McDonald's, oh boy. That's a beauty. A guy named McDonald? He's never gonna get pushed around in life.
Dick: That's clearly not the case.
Ray: So, you don't have a check for 1.35 million dollars in your pocket? Bye, Dick.
Dick: So if you can't beat'em, buy'em.
Ray: I remember the first time I saw that name stretched across your stand out there. It was love at first sight. I knew right then and there... I had to have it. And now I do.
Dick: You don't have it.
Ray: You sure about that?
Ray: Bye, Dick.

Bill: Boston is that way. You can make it by nightfall.
Frank: I'm really hungry. I haven't eaten in two days.
[pauses]
Frank: It doesn't sound very long out loud, does it?
[chuckles]
Frank: It feels long.
Bill: I'm letting you go. So, go.
Frank: Alright, look. First, my name's Frank...
Bill: Oh, yeah? Here's the thing, Frank. If I feed you, then every bum you talk to about it is gonna show up here lookin' for a free lunch, and this is not an Arby's.
Frank: Well, Arby's didn't have free lunch. It was a restaurant.

Benny: Disable the shield! Come on! You are undermining me!
Computer: Which phrase would you like me to underline?
Benny: Disable the shield!
Metalbeard: Let me try.
[to the computer]
Metalbeard: Be ye disabling of yond shield.
Computer: Disabling shield.
Benny: What?

- I am sound in mind and body, and ready to run circles around the inferior minds of the rock county sheriff's department.
- Lou is a state cop, Karl.
Karl: Shut up, Sonny.
- I will need you to drive, however.

Karl: [Drunk] You hear that, Sonny? There's a crisis at the highest level, so who do they call? The best lawyer in town.
Sonny: Aren't ya the only lawyer in town, Karl?

Frank: [Walks over to piano] I've been staring at this the whole time. Is it antique?
Bill: 1948.
Frank: Wow. You know how much these are worth?
Bill: Currently, nothing.

Jack: [yelling through the bedroom door in the Warner home] Please let me who I'm speaking to?
Marcus: Doesn't matter who we are: only thing that matters is we got something you want. Something your girlfriend was about to pay us a lot of money for
Jack: Listen to me, both of you, about five hours ago a nuclear bomb went off, I'm sure you know about that. The chip you have has information about who's responsible: it's vital to our investigation. The man you assaulted was a foreign intelligence agent, he was bringing the chip to my office
Jack: [when he doesn't respond] I'm gonna give you one chance to get out of this: give me the chip back and I'll let you walk, no questions
Marcus: You don't think we know your setting us up?
Kate: [overhearing them] What are you doing? They killed Yusuf, they were about to kill me
Jack: We're about to go to war with three countries who are not responsible for what happened today. The only way I can stop it is getting the President that chip. So, right now I'm gonna do everything I can to get it back. Please I need your help, get through to CTU, please
Jack: [yells through the bedroom door] I'm gonna give you thirty seconds to open that door
Cole: [whispers to Marcus] Give it to him
Marcus: are you crazy? It's the only thing keeping him from killing us: he killed Rouse
Jack: You got twenty seconds
Marcus: [yells to Jack] We're just supposed to trust you?
Jack: Right now you don't have another choice
Cole: [whispers to Marcus] Just give it to him
Marcus: No way
Cole: His serious
Marcus: So am I

Frank: So, who's the girl? Girl you're singing about?
Bill: There is no girl.
Frank: I know.

Dick: There's a wolf in the hen-house. We let him in.

Dick: Ray, we have no interest in a milkshake that contains NO MILK.

Emmet: [to the Master Builders] I have no experience fighting, leading or making plans. It's going to be really hard, but I...
Metalbeard: [Gets up from his seat, yelling] Really hard?
[Looming over Emmet]
Metalbeard: WIPING YER BUM WITH A HOOK FOR A HAND IS REALLY HARD! THIS BE IMPOSSIBLE!

Bill: I'm sorry.
Frank: For what?
Bill: Getting older faster than you.
Frank: I like you older. Older means we're still here.
[pause]
Frank: What?
Bill: I was never afraid before you showed up.
[Bill and Frank kiss and begin to fall over onto the...]
Frank: Not on the strawberries!

Metalbeard: [describing President Business' office] ... Guarded by a robot army and secondary measures of every kind imaginable. Lasers, sharks, laser sharks, overbearing assistants...

Marcus: [to Kate] You better hurry up
Kate: [after She opens her family's safe for them] There
Marcus: [disappointed, while holding the currency] What the hell is this?
Kate: There should be at least twenty thousand euros there
Marcus: euros?
Kate: It's European money
Marcus: [annoyed, throws the euros on the floor] I look European to you? Where's the cash?
Kate: That is cash: it's as good as dollars
Marcus: [points his gun at her neck, referring to him and his friends] We want cash money, you understand me?
Cole: [getting his attention while holding an envelope he removed from the safe containing American currency] Marcus
Rouse: [after Marcus quickly grabs the envelope and counts the money, while holding a gold bracelet he removed from the safe] You think this is real?
Cole: [irritated by his question] Why would they keep the fake ones locked up?
Marcus: [referring to the amount of American currency from the envelope] Fifteen hundred
Rouse: That's it?
Marcus: that's it
Rouse: [to Marcus] now what do we do?
Kate: [nervously, to them, referring to the computer chip with an audio file saved on it] look, just take it all: just give me the chip
Marcus: [to his friends, referring to Kate] she knows what we look like: knows our names too
Kate: [realizing their going to kill her] we had a deal
Rouse: his right: we can't just leave you here
Kate: [to all of them] look, take everything, I won't tell anyone, I won't tell the police I promise, just give me the chip
Cole: [walks up to him, referring to not killing her] Marcus, don't do this. Let's just take the stuff and go
Marcus: the second we're out of here, she's calling the cops, I can't get locked up again

Dick: A hothead like that, you don't know what he's capable of.
Mac: It's all bluster, Dick. His bark is worse than his bite.
Dick: That's what Neville Chamberlain said.

Bill: This isn't the tragic suicide at the end of the play. I'm old. I'm satisfied. And you were my purpose.
Frank: I do not support this. I should be furious. But from an objective point-of-view, it's incredibly romantic. Take me to bed.

Bill: [chuckling as an infected walker approaches his fence and is about to be killed by a boobytrap] It doesn't get old.