30 Best Niecy Nash Quotes

Denise: When I get scared and I feel like, like, ISIS done broke in my house, I tell myself real scary ghost stories and then my fear of the ISIS is replaced and I'm scared of the Candyman, who returns from the dead when you say his name five times. Candyman, Candyman!

Lorraine: You forget about Lorraine already? I'm wearing my Pocahontas boots.
[clutches her ankle]
Lorraine: Oh, damn. Oh, damn, my ankle. Damn it! These Indian boots are sexy as hell, but they do not support my frame.

Denise: Why are y'all still in here? This ain't "The Marriage Ref." This ain't "Judge Joe Brown." We ain't on the Maury show. We ain't standing in line trying to get tickets to "Dr. Phil." I am not Steve Harvey people and this ain't the "Family Feud."

Hester: Yes, I orchestrated the whole thing. But you can't lay a hand on me. It's called double jeopardy. You can't be tried for the same crime twice.
Denise: But you haven't been tried twice. The Chanels were tried the first time.
Hester: But someone was convicted, so it's double jeopardy.
Denise: No, again YOU haven't been tried yet at all.
Hester: It's double jeopardy!
Denise: It's single jeopardy!

Denise: You can't go around insultin' somebody's mama. Even if she was the worst bitch in the world, you can't go around sayin' it to everybody!
Chanel: But her mother was the worst bitch in the world.

Denise: This is what I learned at Quantico, and by watching movies about Quantico - oooh, and from the hit TV show Quantico, now in its thrilling second season! Here's the thing: If you wanna catch a killer, you gotta get inside the mind of a killer. Or in Zayday's case, underneath the weave of a killer.

Denise: You got the right to remain silent! And you got some other rights that come after that, and I don't know what they are cuz I don't remember what I'm supposed to say after "you got the right to remain silent."

Simone: Ms. Laughlin, I really looked up to you. Single mom like myself, getting her second act at life. You taught me the key to success was helping others. What happened to that woman?
Layla: You're staring her in the face right now, and she is hoping that you're good enough at your job to find Dante's real killer. Now, that's it for me. I want my lawyer. Now.

Denise: I slept with Chad too and it was amazing! I tied him up and I kept my uniform on and proceeded to read him his rights, my favorite being, "You got the right to remain sexy!" That was one of the best nights of my life. Granted, when Chad and I get together, it's mostly about the role play. I mean, we go on for a while but that's because we both do extensive character research, so there's a surprising amount of dialogue.

Denise: Shondell, why you got a knife in your throat!

Denise: Now, now, no, I'm not a detective. Hell, I ain't even a cop. But what I am is somebody who watched every one of those Cosby Mysteries, okay?

Stan: [to Lorraine] Oh, hey. How's your ankle?
Lorraine: Not good. Doctor says I got to lose 55 pounds. I said, "Well, I'm losing you. That's 200 pounds right there."

[First lines]
Glenda: Excuse me. Jeff.
Jeffrey: Oh hey.
Glenda: I gotta say, that smell is worse than ever.
Jeffrey: Is it?
[long pause]
Jeffrey: Well... y'know I had that meat that went bad... in that little freezer I got...
Glenda: No, you said that last week. And I saw you go out to the dumpster and throw out a whole bunch of bad meat, so the smell should be gone by now.
Jeffrey: Mm...
[longer pause]
Jeffrey: I forgot... my, uh, tropical fish died.

Denise: You dumb girls are so stupid! Y'all gonna get yourself killed!

Denise: Zayday Williams ain't dead. I keep tellin' ya'all, Zayday is the killer!
Grace: No, that's insane. There is no way she's the killer.
Denise: Bitch had a chainsaw in her room!

Denise: Ah-nah! Nah-nah! Hell nah! You just said that you think the killer is up there, and that's where you want to go? That's insane! What you need to do is run out this door.

Denise: If you are in danger, scream Denise Hemphill's name real loud. I will be on the premises at all times, and I will come a-runnin'. Now, let's just say you screamed Denise Hemphill's name and I do not come a-runnin'. That means I'm not on the premises.

Jennifer: Crap, I'm gonna kill that dumb bitch!
Denise: Whoa, what dumb bitch you gonna kill?
Jennifer: The girl at Candle Junction who evidently doesn't understand the concept of a 22 for the price of 20 sale. So I'm like, well, now my year is ruined.

Denise: Halloween is upon us and the devil is gonna come a runnin'.

Denise: This is some good sleuthin', Zayday Williams. Hmmph. Too good.
Zayday: Could you just stop? It's obvious I'm not the killer.

Chanel: What am I supposed to do, apologize?
Denise: That's exactly what I want you to do.
Chanel: Over my rich, hot, dead body.

Denise: Of course it's blood. In my experience, any time somebody asks, "Oh, I wonder if that's blood," it's almost always blood. I mean, you know how many times it's, like, ketchup? Zero percent of the time.

Novak: You don't seem to be afraid, Regina, which I find equally interesting but suspicious.
Simone: Fear is a decision. If I let it control me, I won't be any help for your friend here.
Novak: So you are afraid?
Simone: If I focus on the fact that you got a gun in my face, then hell yeah. But if I focus on helping this man right now, make this the most important thing in the moment, I can do what I'm trained to do.

Denise: Them Japanese got all manner of weirdass ghost stories and the one about the Kappa is the creepiest of all. They live in the sewer and they just waitin' for you to sit your ass on the toilet so they can REACH UP and grab you, SNATCH you by the vagina, and drown your crushed body in raw sewage! The... end.

Denise: The point is there there's a missing girl, blood on the floor, and she's tweeting "Oh, hey, just want y'all to know I'm getting murdered," and y'all standing here like, "Ooh, I wonder what happened?" The girl is dead!

Denise: There is a psycho killing people. He killed my dear friend and Secure Enforcement Solutions colleague Shondell. Stabbed that girl right in the face! She wasn't that cute to begin with, but that ain't the point.

Glenda: Maybe the best we can do is just keep pretending to be strong. And eventually, one day, we'll forget we're pretending.

Denise: I'm saying Denise Hemphill ain't gonna spend another night sleeping in a Secure Enforcement Solutions Patrol Car, giving herself a whore's bath every morning with a handful of Wet-Naps when there's a perfectly good bedroom upstairs that nobody is using just 'cause some dumb ho got murdered in it.

Denise: Chanel, you will say you are sorry to Grace and start changin' the way you treatin' the ladies at Kappa House or Mama Denise *will* take your man!

John: The waterjet uses an industrial pump that propels water faster than the speed of sound. It can cut through metal like butter. It is not a common tool, which means our killer needed both access and technical expertise.
Carter: Like a specialized factory worker.
John: Right. Or high-end construction contractors often use waterjets to cut glass, granite, marble, porcelain.
Carter: Does that mean you had access to one?
John: Yeah. I have a friend who lends me his whenever I... I just made myself a suspect, didn't I?
Carter: Yeah.
[laughter]
John: Swear it wasn't me.
Simone: They all say that. Don't worry, Carter. I'm keeping my eyes on this one.