The Best Phil Proctor Quotes

Villager: [Shrek sneaks up on a mob about to storm his swamp] Think it's in there?
Villager: All right. Let's get it!
Ogre: Whoa. Hold on. Do you know what that thing can do to you?
Ogre: Yeah, it'll grind your bones for it's bread!
Shrek: [chuckles and the villagers saw him] Yes, well, actually, that would be a giant. Now ogres, oh, they're much worse! They'll make a suit from your freshly peeled skin.
Villager: [scared] No!
Shrek: They'll shave your liver. Squeeze the jelly from your eyes! Actually, it's quite good on toast.
Villager: [brandishes a torch at Shrek] BACK! Back, beast! Back! I warn ya!
[Shrek licks his fingers and puts out the torch]
Villager: Right.
[Shrek roars at the villagers, rendering them petrified for some time]
Shrek: [whispers] This is the part where you run away.
[the villagers flee]
Shrek: [laughs happily] And stay out!

Cockroach: Here you go, slick. Enjoy.
Slick: [takes one bite and his mouth starts to bubble] Ow, Oww! Hey, I said no salt!

Ron: [to the studio audience] Any other questions? Ah! Here we go!
[Runs over to Sophia]
Sophia: This is directed to Dorothy's lover: Do people treat you differently because you're a lesbian?
Blanche: Well, most people don't know.
Sophia: Really? I would've guessed right off. Next question to Dorothy: What kind of pain and embarrassment has this lifestyle caused your mother?
Dorothy: I really don't know, but... I'll ask her tomorrow when I visit her at... THE HOME.

Young: [Sees Tarzan swimming] Piranha! It's a piranha!
Tantor's: Tantor, there are no piranhas in Africa.
Elephant: Don't tell the kid that. Of course there are piranhas in Africa.
Elephant: No, she's right. They're native to South America.
Elephant: Oh, come on, now.
Elephant: You think I would be standing here if they were?
[Meanwhile, Tarzan is trying to get a hair from the first elephant's tail]
Young: Look out, he's right behind you!
Tantor's: For the last time, honey, there are no piranhas in...
Elephant: My butt! Something's got my butt!