The Best Rhea Perlman Quotes

Carla: Frasier, we were so close and then you had to show up and ruin everything.

Niles: That must have been completely humiliating for Frasier.
Carla: Well, that's the point.
Niles: Well, do you have any more of these stories?
Carla: Only about a million.
Niles: I don't have time for a million, just tell me the hundred worst.

Ruth: I was arrested for tax evasion, but that's another movie.

Zinnia: [cutting off Harry's hat with scissors] I still don't see how you glued your hat on, Harry. I mean, I know you say you didn't, but obviously, you did.
Harry: I did *not* glue my hat to my head! The hat shrunk! The fibers fused to my hair!

Ruth: We mothers stand still so our daughters can look back and see how far they've come

[Harry has ordered out of the house the FBI agents, whom Zinnia had just been talking to]
Zinnia: You don't let me talk to people! I live in a cage, Harry! I need to talk to SOMEBODY besides our stupid kids!
Harry: Oh, yeah? Well, a man is entitled to come home and find dinner on the table, without having to wait for a convention of male strippers!

[asked to sign Matilda's adoption papers]
Zinnia: You're the only daughter I ever had, Matilda. And I never understood you, not one little bit... Who's got a pen?

Zinnia: Look, Miss Snit, a girl does not get anywhere by acting intelligent! I mean, take a look at you and me. You chose books - I chose looks. I have a nice house, a wonderful husband... and you are slaving away teaching snot-nosed children their ABCs. You want Matilda to go to college? Ha, ha, ha, ha...
Harry: College?
[scoffs]
Harry: I didn't go to college. I don't know anybody who did. Bunch of hippies and cesspool salesmen, ha ha ha ha...
Jenny: [insulted] Don't sneer at educated people, Mr. Wormwood. If you became ill, heaven forbid, your doctor would be a college graduate.
Harry: Yeah...
Jenny: Or - or say you were sued for selling a faulty car. The lawyer who defended you would have gone to college, too.
Harry: What car? Sued by who? Who you been talking to?
Jenny: N-nobody.
[sighs]
Jenny: I can see we're not going to agree, are we?

Matilda: I love it here! I love my school... it isn't fair! Miss Honey, please don't let them...
Harry: [interrupting] Get in the car, Melinda!
Matilda: Matilda!
Harry: Whatever.
Matilda: I want to stay with Miss Honey.
Zinnia: Miss Honey doesn't want you. Why would she want some snotty, disobedient kid?
Jenny: Because she's a spectacularly wonderful child and I love her.
Matilda: Adopt me, Miss Honey! You can adopt me.
Harry: Look, I don't have time for all these legalities!
Matilda: One second, Dad. I have the adoption papers.
Zinnia: What? Where did you get those?
Matilda: From a book in the library. I've had them since I was big enough to Xerox.

Narrator: Everyone is born, but not everyone is born the same. Some will grow to be butchers, or bakers, or candlestick makers. Some will only be really good at making Jell-O salad. One way or another, though, every human being is unique, for better or for worse.
[Harry takes his first look at Matilda, grunts, and leaves]
Narrator: Most parents believe their children are the most beautiful creatures ever to grace the planet. Others take a less emotional approach.
[Harry and Zinnia are leaving the hospital with the baby]
Harry: What a waste of time!
Zinnia: And painful!
Harry: And expensive, $9.25 for a bar of soap?
Zinnia: Well I had to take a shower, Harry!
Harry: $5,000? I'm not paying it. What're they going to do, repossess the kid?

Mrs. Wormwood: [while putting baby Matilda in the sink to rinse away spinach] Babies! You're better off raising tomatoes.

Carla: Frasier! Look at you. I forgot how big your head is.

[speeches at Cliff's retirement party]
Carla: I'd like to say that I'll miss you... but it sticks in my throat like your rotten deviled eggs. I hate your guts! The way you talk and talk and talk about nothing. The way you walk, your stupid white socks...
Frasier: Carla!
Carla: Back off, I'm toasting! The 20 years I have known you would have been less painful if I were covered with open sores and thrown into a pit with a bunch of diseased rats! But now, finally you're leaving! I know I am not as young as I used to be, but I can live again! I can live again! Finally, I can live!
[she laughs maniacally, then subsides as she notices everyone staring at her]
Carla: Anyway, God bless.

Zinnia: [Matilda comes home from school, excitedly. Zinnia's on the phone, talking about her kids] Mine are driving me crazy. I'll tell ya, six hours a day of school IS NOT enough.
Matilda: [walking out of the room excitedly] I'll say!

Harry: Any packages come today?
Matilda: Mm-mm.
Harry: [noticing her books] Where'd all this come from?
Matilda: The library.
Harry: The library? You've never set foot in a library. You're only four years old.
Matilda: Six-and-a-half.
Harry: You're four!
Matilda: Six-and-a-half!
Harry: If you were six-and-a-half, you'd be in school already.
Matilda: I want to be in school. I told you I was supposed to start school in September. You wouldn't listen.
Harry: Get up, get up, get out of here, give me that book.
[He drags Matilda, throwing the book aside, to where Zinnia is]
Harry: Dearest pie, how old is Matilda?
Zinnia: Four.
Matilda: I'm six-and-a-half, mommy!
Zinnia: Five, then!
Matilda: I was six in August.
Harry: You're a liar.
Matilda: I want to go to school.
Harry: School? It's out of the question. Who would be here to sign for the packages? We can't leave valuable packages sitting out on the doorstep. Now go watch TV like a good kid.
[Matilda leaves]
Zinnia: You know, sometimes I think there's something wrong with that girl.
Harry: Hmph, tell me about it.

Ruth: Humans have only one ending. Ideas live for ever.