The Best Scully Quotes

Hitchcock: It was the '80s.
Scully: Police weren't perfect then like they are today.

Jake: They're not going to kill you fast Scully. They're going to make it real slow. First they're going to scalp you, and then they're going to rip your tongue out.
Scully: No! That's my cupcake taster.

Amy: Well, that doesn't sound better than crepes.
Scully: It is. Terry wins. We know. We were at both lunches.
Rosa: How? They were simultaneous and two miles apart.
Scully: It was free food. Life finds a way.

Scully: I'd rather see butts.
Doug: Fine, if I let you see butts, will you convince the guys that Jake's not a cop?
Scully: How many butts are we talking?
Doug: Six.
Scully: Ten.
Doug: Seven.
Scully: Nine.
Doug: Fine, eight, I'll meet you in the middle.
Scully: Nah, you waited too long. Now it's up to 14.

- You gotta untie his shoes before he gets hurt.
- Puh, seriously?
- Seriously. [Groans] Fine.
- But what's the worst thing that could happen?
Scully: [Gasping] He's being strangled to death!
- How?

Amy: This is my year.
Scully: It's my year too!
Amy: Please don't align yourself with me.

Terry: I designed the first part of the heist to be a scavenger hunt through memorable moments from the last eight years. It's a trip down memory lane.
Scully: Not a problem. I have the memory of a... the thing with the big nose and ears.
Charles: Prince Charles.
Jake: No.

Amy: All right, you mooks, our union health plan has 100% reimbursement for out-of-state ambulance rides. Scully will fake a medical emergency.
Scully: Don't need to fake it. Always having at least one.

Captain: Nothing's okay. Wuntch Circling me like a shark frenzied by chum. The task force, turning into a career-threatening quagmire. An internal affairs investigation casting doubt upon my integrity. And you ask, "is everything okay?" I am buffeted by the winds of my foes' enmity and cast about by the towering waves of cruel fate. Yet I, a captain, am no longer able to command my vessel, my precinct, from my customary helm, my office. And you ask, "is everything okay?" I've worked the better part of my years on earth overcoming every prejudice and fighting for the position I hold. And now I feel it being ripped from my grasp. And with it The very essence of what defines me as a man. And you ask, "is everything okay?"
Scully: [pause] Yeah, I hear you. My dog has taken over my favorite chair. It's like, how did it all slip away?

Hitchcock: Oh, no. Her number! It's totally ruined. I knew I shouldn't have had those breakfast wings.
Scully: Oh, bud, I'm so sorry.
Hitchcock: Now all I have to remember her by is this tooth.
Amy: What the hell? Why do you have that?
Hitchcock: We were eating pizza, and it fell out of her mouth.
Scully: Well, this is perfect. We can use it to find her.
Hitchcock: What do you mean?
Scully: We just have to try fitting that tooth into the mouth of every woman in New York City till we find the matching gum hole of your one true love.
Hitchcock: My life is like a fairytale!

Jake: All right, let's get this thing going. Scully will be locked in the supply closet with his bracelet.
Scully: Can I lie down on the floor?
Jake: Uh, yeah. You can do whatever you want. And you're already on the ground. With Hitchcock. And you both have pillows.
Hitchcock: Best day ever.

Raymond: O'Sullivan wants me to issue a statement of public support for the officer to give them all extra hazard pay, and to wear this Never Forgive Burrito ribbon.
Scully: Weird, it's the exact same color as my Color Blind Awareness ribbon!
Raymond: No it isn't.

Scully: My turn. It's between my seizure medication and this fidget spinner.
[Throws away medication]
Scully: I think I made the right call.
[Spins the fidget spinner]
Scully: Uh-oh, I forgot that it lit up. I've made a terrible mistake.

Scully: Ooh, I hope my butts are back.
Doug: I do not like how butts have become your thing, Trudy. You used to love horses.
Scully: Horses have butts.

Rosa: I was stuck in the bathroom with Scully. It was a nightmare.
Scully: For me too. Hitchcock and I haven't had any time alone all day. I don't even know what he had for lunch.
Hitchcock: Italian sandwich.
Scully: But with what kind of chips?

Scully: Thanks, everybody, for coming out to Hitchcock's divorce party.
Raymond: Why is the cake two men getting married?
Scully: That's me and Hitchcock. The boys are back together!
Raymond: This cake is for a gay wedding. The inside is a rainbow.
Scully: Nuh-uh. It's my favorite flavor: All the flavors!
Hitchcock: I can't believe Bethany's gone. It was so out of the blue.
Jake: Well, not entirely. I mean, she did have an affair with her hairdresser, and you filmed it and threatened to release the tape, and then she said she didn't care and put it on the internet herself, and then, when it started to make money, you sued her for half the profits.
Hitchcock: And then boom, out of the blue: Divorce papers.

Scully: Aw, this ice cream is melting.
Hitchcock: Who cares? We can drink melted ice cream. We can't eat spoiled ham. We have to prioritize!
Scully: What if we combine them? Wrap the ice cream in the ham like a taquito.
Hitchcock: [Proudly and affectionately] This man. This man is my best friend!
Rosa: You two are the worst people to have around in an emergency. I literally can't imagine a scenario where you'd be helpful.
Scully: Murder at a Cinnabon. Who would you call?
Rosa: Someone who wouldn't be distracted by the frosting.
Scully: Yeah, I do love that frosting.

Jake: Scully, tell them we're cops. Tell them!
Scully: Nous sommes navets. Nous sommes navets!
[the Quebec police keep walking]
Scully: Shoot. That means "turnip." I said we were turnips. I got it. Don't worry.
[Calls after them]
Scully: We are turnips! Nope, that was English.

Amy: Okay, everyone calm down. I will put a request in for a new fridge.
Rosa: Good luck getting that approved. Commissioner Kelly's already slashed our budget within an inch of its life.
Hitchcock: Yeah, the toilet paper's only one ply now.
Scully: My butt hurts all the time.
Hitchcock: The AC is broken.
Scully: My butt hurts all the time.
Hitchcock: Scully's butt hurts all the time.

Scully: Type 3 and type 9 and 12 and 13 - those are all the diabeteses I have.

Jake: All right, David is perfect, but so are you. Let's just go tonight, and I'll be your hype man. You know how good I am at talking you up. Here, watch. Hey, Scully. Did you know that Amy is super cool?
Scully: No way. Can I get your autograph, ma'am?
Jake: See?
Amy: Fine, we'll go.
[She turns to leave]
Scully: What, too stuck up for your fans? Ya friggin' turd!

Hitchcock: All right, listen up, buddy. You're gonna tell us where it is.
Scully: And also what it is. We're a little unclear what we're after.

Scully: [Santiago and Peralta enter the police station wearing shower caps because they have put maple syrup in their hair, trying to get rid of lice] Oh, Amy, what is that enchanting new perfume?
Amy: It's syrup, Scully.
Scully: [sexually aroused] And it is working. Hmm-hmm.

Amy: I need your help. Our arrests are still way down. But according to the pedometers, our Hitchcock-and-Scullys are out there logging miles on the beat. How are they not seeing crimes?
Hitchcock: [over video chat] How do you know they're walking?
Amy: I just told you -- their pedometer numbers are through the roof.
Scully: Oh, poor, simple Amy. It's like you've ever had to mess with a medical device in order to trick your life insurance agent. Watch and learn.
Amy: [cut to the lazy detectives wasting their time on massage chairs] They're just using the massage chairs to jiggle their pedometers!
Hitchcock: [over video chat] Life always finds a way.
Amy: To do what?
Scully: To do nothing.

Rosa: None of you would dare to put your bare hands inside of Scully's mouth.
Scully: Yeah.
Rosa: Who knows what kind of diseases he's got.
Scully: My doctors sure don't.

Captain: And so concludes this year's Secret Santa drawing. Just a quick reminder of the rules: $40 limit, no perishable items, and no homemade massage coupons, Hitchcock.
Hitchcock: Fine, then everyone'll have to pay full price for them.
Jake: Oh, Captain. I would like a $40 gift card to any restaurant that serves nachos.
Captain: I don't have you, Peralta.
Jake: Not only do I know that you do indeed have me, but I also know who everyone else has.
Terry: That's not possible.
Jake: Perhaps not for an ordinary man such as yourself, Jeffords. But for the brilliant mind of Detective Sherlock Peralta - I legally changed my name - it's quite simply... elementary. For, you see, Amy made a face I only recognized from our bedroom, which means that she has Captain Holt. Charles has Terry. His eyes keep shifting over to him.
Charles: [shifts eyes to Terry] No, I don't.
Jake: Terry looked disgusted, which means he has Hitchcock. Rosa didn't draw a name, nor did she put one in. She doesn't wanna participate.
Rosa: Never do.
Jake: Hitchcock moves his mouth when he reads and he quite clearly said Char-les.
Hitchcock: I did get Char-les.
Jake: Scully has Amy. He's hold his paper name-side out.
Scully: Oh, he's good.
Jake: And I have Scully, which means Captain Holt has me. I'll be taking that gift card. Daddy loves nachos.

Scully: Oh, no. Never meet your heroes.
[whispering]
Scully: Marie Callender was a real bitch.

Scully: I gotta say, I'm loving these. I always wanted to wear Hammer pants.
Raymond: Stop.
Scully: Hammer time?

Jake: I think we need to find that hot dog cart guy.
Charles: Okay, fine. But who do we know that could find us a random New York hot dog guy?
Hitchcock: [Cut to Hitchcock and Scully, who arrive at the crime scene in slow motion, sunglasses on] So, you need a little help from the Weiner Warriors.
Jake: Well, I hate that. Just tell us what you know, please?
Hitchcock: There's Lou's Dogs, he serves 'em up real plump.
Scully: Big Mike's does two dogs per bun.
Hitchcock: Hank's Franks... great mustard selection.
Scully: Vicki's Vegan? I'd rather eat *bleep*.
Hitchcock: Charlie does an al dente dog, it's got a really nice chew.
Scully: Johnny Arkansas serves it Little Rock style, although he can serve it Razorback-style.
Jake: Okay, enough, enough! We don't have time for this! Just tell us who has a cart at 6th and 11th.
Hitchcock: Oh, there are no hot dog carts there.
Charles: What? Never?
Scully: No way.
Hitchcock: Not a chance!
Scully: Zoning issue. Forget about it, Jake. It's Hungertown.

Jake: He's leading us right to him. Now all we have to do is follow the trail of chocolate.
Scully: This... This is why I became a cop.

Terry: Look, I wasn't hiding. I was doing my work. Hitchcock and Scully were with me.
Jake: Were they, or perhaps were they distracted by your brilliant pizza ruse?
Scully: Totally distracted. I ate two whole pies. Folded 'em up like tacos.

Amy: Scully and Hitchcock, you're in charge of seating.
Scully: Smart move, Amy. I've been called the Leonardo da Vinci of sitting on my ass.

Scully: It's not sticky because I'm so juicy!

Raymond: Time to talk strategy. Let's be honest, we're not young men.
Scully: Speak for yourself. My doctor said I'm in my twilight years.
Raymond: That means you're close to death.
Scully: But it has such a pretty name!

Scully: This is Dorothy, my pill box.
[He produces an enormous box, with hidden compartments, filled with pill boxes]
Jake: Good God.
Hitchcock: My friend here has dozens of medications prescribed for all of his ailments. They make him normal. They make me limitless.

Scully: Look, we need to solve this to prove to that idiot John Kelly, how inane and useless his little app is.
Jake: Oh dip. I see what's going on. Holt is feeling petty.
Scully: I'm not being petty. I can assure you my feelings about John Kelly are purely professional.
Jake: Are they? Because every time his name is brought up in our group text thread you immediately send back a super catty GIF of some lady from "The Durrells in Corfu" rolling her eyes.
Scully: That's Louisa Durrell, exasperated by the pace of life on Corfu.

Jake: [looking at a picture of the young Hitchcock and Scully] I can't believe I'm going to say this, but...
Charles: Meow!
Jake: No, that is not what I was gonna say, but, honestly? Yeah - meow. No offense, guys, but what the hell happened to you?
Scully: Are you body-shaming us?
Jake: No, I'm personality-shaming you. You were so alert and cool and job-doing.

Amy: Hey, Scully, did you do something new with your hair?
Scully: Same thing as always: put mousse in it while it's wet, then I watch a scary movie.

Scully: It's just nice to have a win after what we went through today. So many deviled eggs were lost, and for what?
Hitchcock: Hey, hey, you can't focus on that. There were hundreds of meatballs that were eaten because of you!
Scully: I could've eaten more. Just one more!

Amy: ...That defeats the purpose.
Scully: I got this, Ames. Hello, unsolved case. Do you bring me joy? No, because you're boring and your're too hard. See ya.
[Throws case in trash]
Amy: Personal items only, Scully. Get that case out of the trash!
Scully: Oh, for Pete's sake.