Top 100 Quotes From Terry Crews

Terry: Do you need to use a phone to make a call?
Heather: Gross, I don't know any phone numbers.

Terry: [about the obnoxious sorority girls who got free from the holding cell] Oh, no. They're running free. Everyone, cover up your worst physical attributes.
Charles: It's no use. They could always find new ones.

Terry: All you have to do is say a few nice comments during the memorial.
Raymond: As God said when Wuntch tried to sneak past the gates into heaven, "It ain't happening, honey."

Terry: Look, I wasn't hiding. I was doing my work. Hitchcock and Scully were with me.
Jake: Were they, or perhaps were they distracted by your brilliant pizza ruse?
Scully: Totally distracted. I ate two whole pies. Folded 'em up like tacos.

Raymond: I maintain a strict code of integrity.
Terry: Come on, Captain. You never told a white lie to make a person feel better?
Raymond: I only lie when someone's safety is at risk. Or if a juvenile aged eight years or younger asks about Santa Claus.
Terry: In which case...
Raymond: I feed them some reassuring pap about the logical impossibility of proving a negative. It's sentimental drivel, but they eat it up.

Tommy: [Running between base plates] Where you going, nobody hit it.
Abner: I stole the base. You weren't looking so I stole it.
Chico: You said you could only advance after you hit the ball!
Abner: Not when you're stealing.
Short: That's bullshit.
Abner: OK, Short Stop.

Herbert: Your lips are like a Murphy bed. They don't' take up much room, but they're there when you need them.

Terry: [wearing placard that reads: Angry Prostitute]
[shouts]
Terry: Oh, you got it. Oh, I know you got it. I *want* *my* *money*!

Terry: I designed the first part of the heist to be a scavenger hunt through memorable moments from the last eight years. It's a trip down memory lane.
Scully: Not a problem. I have the memory of a... the thing with the big nose and ears.
Charles: Prince Charles.
Jake: No.

Herbert: [Handing Lindsay money] Here's a little severance package for servicing my package.

Rosa: [to a teen selling candy in the precinct] All right. I'll buy ONE. Now, go sell your candy to everyone else, stupid.
Terry: Hey, hey, hey. You can't call kids 'stupid'. What if he's really stupid?

Terry: [Holt has officiated at the wedding] I gotta hand it to you, Captain. That was some ceremony.
Captain: It wasn't difficult. I simply said what I wish had been said when Kevin and I got married.
Kevin: Oh, well, then I never would have heard your hilarious "efficient/officiant" quip.
Captain: Hmm, you're right. I regret nothing. But all this does make me think I might enjoy a more festive expression of our commitment to one another.
Kevin: Are you suggesting we hold an honest to goodness wedding?
Captain: Hmm. Nothing too elaborate. We're not the Kardashian-Wests, after all. They are a musician and a celebrity personality who recently wedded.
Kevin: Yes, yes, I know, they were answers on Jeopardy.
Captain: I think you mean questions.
[Both laugh]
Terry: [pauses] You guys are fun.

Deacon: The only game I'll play with you... is slap the point shaving white boy, til he cries like a baby back bitch.
Cheeseburger: baby back bitch, baby back bitch, baby back bitch, baby back bitch.
Caretaker: That's a big ass robot

Rosa: Look, this isn't Cagney calling Lacey a poopy-head. I can't just give him a time-out.
Terry: Time-out? Are you serious? Poopy-head means no Doc McStuffins for a week! Terry hates bathroom talk.

Detective: [about the lie detector] I'm telling you, this machine is broken. Ask me a question.
Sergeant: Is Jay-Z really your favorite artist?
Detective: Yes, obviously.
Abel: Lie.
Detective: See? It's busted!
Sergeant: Is it? Or is your favorite artist really Taylor Swift?
Detective: [sighs] No.
Abel: Lie.
Detective: Alright, fine, she is. She makes me feel things.
Sergeant: *She makes all of us feel things!*

Terry: Whoa. Slow down, sir. You didn't even stop and sniff the bouquet. You always sniff the bouquet.
Captain: Maybe the old Holt did. But the new Holt chugs Beaujolais from a Burgundy glass without a care. Oh, it's a Sauternes glass. Look, the alcohol has rendered me a simpleton.

Tommy: Any of you handsome brothers ready to go steal a big hunk of gold?
Chico: I'm ready.
Ramon: I'm hungry.
Danny: I'm drunk.
Lil': And I'm Lil Pete.
Herm: [unintelligible]
Tommy: Let's get that nugget then...

Terry: Today is Holt's first day back in his office and I wanna make sure everything is just how he left it. Now, I can't remember, was this little figurine of Cheddar at a 45 or 50 degree angle?
Rosa: Terry, it's a five degree difference. You better figure it out.
Raymond: Ah, I missed this place. Huh, little Cheddar's askew. You really made yourself at home, didn't you Jeffords?

Charles: Wait. He's taking the kids for us?
Terry: It's just like getting a free babysitter.
Charles: This is incredible. People without kids are so stupid.

Terry: If Diaz won't accept our help, we got to go behind her back.
Gina: We definitely should go behind her back. That's the opposite side of where the germs are coming from.

Hale: Great. Just what I need. 50-year-old pizza.

Gunner: [the bomb's fuse goes out] Well, the phosphorus must have been damp.
Lee: Yeah, right.
Toll: Or you suck.
Hale: There's that.
Maggie: Don't cry, Gunner.
Barney: You almost had an idea.

Terry: You're not the same immature, rebellious kid you used to be. Didn't you and Amy buy a family-friendly midsize sedan?
Jake: In a rebellious color... champagne... which is an alcohol. And let's not forget, I wanted to have sex in your office just now.
Terry: Yeah, to have a baby and become a father!
Jake: Yeah, he turned it around on me.

Gina: Hey Terry, got any new baby pics?
Terry: You hate looking at pictures of my twins. You said that since they were identical, I didn't need to take pictures of both.

Terry: Charles, this Boyle bone broth is incredible. I'm not sore at all anymore.
Charles: I told you it works. The Boyles used to drink it during potato digging season to keep everyone healthy in the furrows.
Terry: You know, I bet we could sell this stuff.
Charles: You really think so?
[gasps]
Charles: We can call our company "The Bone Boys." No! "More Bone, Less Moan." No! "Workplace Bone Buds." That's the one. I'm registering it.

Terry: When I got stopped the other day, I wasn't a cop. I wasn't a guy in the neighborhood looking for his daughter's toy. I was a black man - a dangerous black man. That's all he could see: a threat. And I couldn't stop thinking about my daughters - and their future - and how years from now, they could be walking down the street, looking for their kid's Moo Moo, and get stopped by a bad cop. And they probably won't get to play the police card to get out of trouble. I don't like that thought.

Terry: Oh, you must be feeling better. You're heating up your favorite meal; beans.
Raymond: They're refried. It's bad enough they were cooked once, let alone twice, and now the toaster oven makes it three times. I couldn't be crying for help any louder.

Rosa: You're looking for Captain Holt's manual aren't you?
Terry: Please, Diaz. Top Dog Terry does not need to look for Captain Holt's manual. He knows it's on his computer. Top Dog Terry was looking for the password.
Rosa: Why don't you just make your own decision?
Terry: I did that and I'm very proud of it. I just want to make sure Captain Holt would make the same decision, so I can be proud of him too.

Raymond: You don't feel sad when a monster dies in a monster movie. In "E.T.," do you feel sad when E.T. dies?
Chief: Yes.
Terry: He wasn't a monster.
Raymond: He caused a real commotion.

Terry: [about his plan to win over Amy's dad] Wow, you are really pulling this off.
Jake: I know, all this research is actually gonna work. Should I prepare for things all the time?
Terry: Yeah.
Jake: [Doesn't pay him any attention] Nah, that's crazy.

Martin: Look, they still throw their shit.
Dan: But now they can keep score.

Jake: Rosa's wearing pink. Rosa's wearing pink!
Amy: Are we sure it's not a white shirt that's just been bloodied in a motorcycle crash?
Terry: Maybe it wasn't her. Does she have a twin sister?
Gina: If Rosa had a twin, she would've eaten her in the womb.

Officer: We may be arguing, but we're all thinking the same thing: Terry talks about his children too much.
Lieutenant: Do I really? You all think that?
Officer: Keep a lid on the box, Pandora. You won't like what's inside.

Ramon: So, do you new brothers have any special skills that could help us out here tonight?
Chico: Like what?
Ramon: Like you know, Tommy's good with knives, Lil Pete's got a bonus nipple, I got a burro, Herm is good at strangling.
Danny: I can hold my breath for six minutes.
Chico: Well, I can play the piano with my dick.
Tommy: Well, we're unstoppable then.

Terry: Oh, also, she's worried about her motorcycle sitting idle, so she wants us to take it out once a day.
[Tosses Captain Holt the keys]
Terry: Here.
Captain: I think you should do this. You're more the biker type. I've seen you use a toothpick in public.
Terry: Motorcycles are death machines. I have three kids. I'm not risking it.
Captain: Are you saying my life matters less because I don't conform to society's heteronormative, child-centric ideals?
Terry: Are you really playing the gay card right now?
Captain: [Blank tone, expressionless] Yas, queen.
[Snaps fingers]

Gina: Okay, but what's his body like on a scale from Charles to Terry?
Charles: Sorry, buddy.
Terry: What? I'm the ten.
Charles: Sure you are.

Lonny: Mr. McAvoy...
Will: You can call me Will.
Lonny: Yeah, I was gonna do that anyway. I know you're used to being the boss. But you're not anymore. At least for a little while.
Will: How long?
Lonny: Until my colleagues chase down the source of the threat or, of course, if you've been successfully assassinated.
Will: A joke?
Lonny: What'd you think?
Will: It was all right.

Will: What do you protect me for?
Lonny: 1,700 a week, plus health and dental.
Will: I wouldn't take a bullet for 1,700 a week.
Lonny: Me neither, pal. So I've learned how to duck.

Will: How does this work?
Lonny: I pick you up at your home in the morning and escort you to your office. Then I pick you up at your office at night and escort you to your home. I'm with you any place that's an unsecured area.
Will: What's an unsecured area?
Lonny: Anyplace that isn't your home or your office.
Will: I'm single. What about a date?
Lonny: I don't think we should get romantically involved.
Will: You get one joke a day.

The: I'm in command here. Look around you. I control all of this. You see that guy behind you? That sniper?
Terry: Yeah.
The: He'll shoot whoever I tell him to. Even you.
Sniper: No, I won't.
The: Fine. Then he'll sit on any rooftop I tell him to. Hey, go sit on that rooftop, guy.

Neil: Gina, why did you want to take astronomy?
Gina: Because I thought it would be cool, just me sitting around naming moons left and right, like Zorp, Bong, Dingo. Etcetera. That would be one of the names, Etcetera.
Terry: She's gonna fail, isn't she?
Neil: Big time.
Terry: Yeah.

Terry: I read to him every night.
Captain: Shakespeare? Tolstoy?
Terry: No, nothing that advanced.
Captain: Ye gods, are you reading him Dickens?

Raymond: Whoever did this is facing a massive suspension, and there's no use hiding because Dillman will smoke you out.
Terry: Right, but is there any way he could hurry it up? So far it's just been a lot of silent pacing.
Raymond: Would you ask a heart surgeon to hurry it up?
Terry: I mean, I would if he was just walking around a room.

Abner: Let's play ball. Welcome, my friends, to the first ever playing of a new sport. A sport of my own devising. On this field, two ten-person teams will engage in a battle of... Yes, Qi?
Qi: Only 18 people here.
Abner: Two nine-person teams will engage in a battle of strength, speed, and strategy. One team will go out onto the field to play defense while the other team will take turns hitting this ball... with a stickie.
Chico: What are you gonna call this game?
Abner: What else? Stickie McSchnickens. Now your goal, ball thrower, is to get the ball past me two times without my hitting it. Fire when ready.

Raymond: Lieutenant, as you know, I've been walking the same beat for the past three weeks. It's become a bit tedious.
Terry: I thought you loved tedium.
Raymond: I love monotony. They're very different.

Frank: The real question is why Jeffords had glitter on him at all. Fortunately, I have the answer. I deduced that he has three young daughters, twins and a toddler.
Jake: Big deal. You saw the picture on his desk.
Frank: I did, and judging by the maple trees in the background of that picture, it was taken last fall. Probably mid October. The twins are smiling, each revealing a missing tooth. The twin on the right, let's call her "Twin A."
Terry: That's Cagney.
Frank: Is that relevant?
Terry: It's her name.
Frank: So no. Twin A is missing an upper right incisor while Twin B is missing a lower left incisor suggesting that they were seven when the photo was taken, which would put them in second grade. Spring semester of second grade is when the Brooklyn schools do their solar system unit, a highlight of which is constructing a mobile of the planets. My hypothesis is that Twin A and Twin B requested Daddy's help making Mars sparkle, hence the red glitter.

Terry: I've been through this before. In college, I had a football buddy, Bryant Ungerbert...
Jake: Oh, and lemme guess. You guys were best friends, then he got drafted into the NFL, and now you never talk.
Terry: No, he got drafted into the Canadian football league, became a long snapper for Ottawa, and even that level of success ruined our friendship.
Jake: He's still playing? How is that possible? You're 35 to 60 years old.
Terry: It's Canada. They don't tackle as hard. Anyway, his career became the only thing that mattered. He was off doing photo shoots, commercials, speaking at long snapping conventions...
Jake: Is that a thing?
Terry: In Canada, it's like the Oscars.

Captain: Fine, I guess I'll just stop the party.
Terry: I didn't realize it ever started.

Terry: [disgusted] What's in these?
Amy: Potatoes, butter, a little milk. Oh, and I ran out of salt, so I used baking soda.
Terry: Why wouldn't you? They're both white powders! Of course they're interchangeable!
Amy: [seriously, not understanding Terry's problem] Yeah.

Terry: [Peralta bites a crab leg from the middle] Stop eating crab wrong!

Cheeseburger: I knew you couldn't resist my shit! I got the shakes that'll make you quake. I got the fries that'll cross your eyes. I got that burgers that'll... I just got burgers.

Terry: Singing: Casecation all I ever wanted. Casecation had to get away. The vibe in here is really weird.

Weasel: Meet Bedlam.
Deadpool: Cool name. Superpowers?
Bedlam: I can distort electrical fields. Including the one inside your brain, causing anxiety, confusion, pain.
Deadpool: So, basically, you're Dave Matthews.

Will: Sloan this is Lonny. You'll see him around.
Lonny: Good to meet you.
Sloan: Wow. Can I tap your chest?
Lonny: Sure.
Sloan: [laughs] Holy cow.
[looking at Will]
Sloan: Have you felt his pecs?
Will: No, I haven't yet.

Jake: While I was gone the dude resurfaced and got in a shootout with another drug dealer. Two civilians got shot. Meanwhile I was sipping piña coladas in Philly. From that day on I vowed to never take time off during a case. Also, I don't love Philly.
Terry: Jake, I get it. Philly sucks.

Jake: I'll have you know that a dog's butt is cleaner than a human's mouth.
Terry: That can't be true.
Jake: Well, a dog's mouth is cleaner than a human's mouth, and dog mouths lick dog butts, so you tell me where my theory is wrong.

Terry: [while driving through the woods] What is that small?
Jake: That is the absence of urine. You gotta leave Brooklyn to get that.

Raymond: Welcome to the lake house!
Terry: Where's the lake? I didn't see it on the way in.
Raymond: That's because there's no lake up here.
Terry: But you said it was a lake house.
Raymond: No, we called it "The" Lake House. It was once owned by Krisopp Lake, the scholar of textual criticism who wrote, "Dated Greek Manuscripts To the Year 1200."
Jake: Yeah, Terry. It's obviously named after Kirsopp Lake. No one else was confused about that.

Terry: Hey, Santiago, it's time to head out.
Amy: Actually, I'm not leaving. I'm gonna stay for the games.
Jake: Ohh, look who's coming around already. We're gonna have fun.
Amy: No, this isn't fun. A voluntary administration workshop is fun.
Terry: Yeah, I hear it ends with a six page self-assessment.
Amy: Oh, come on, Terry! You don't have to rub it in!

Doug: [to Jake] You trying to get your freak on with my sister?
Jake: What? No!
Doug: I see you looking at Trudy Judy's booty.
Jake: I am *not* looking at Trudy Judy's booty!
Doug: Oh, you don't think she's a cutie? Don't be snooty.
Jake: She's a beauty, but I'm on duty.
Terry: And you're married.
Jake: Well, yeah, but that doesn't rhyme.

[repeated lines]
Terry: *Nine-nine!*

Detective: If it ain't L.A.'s deadliest white boy.
Tom: Aren't you on the wrong side of the yellow tape?
Detective: Congrats on four more notches for your gun belt. I'll be praying for the families of your victims.
Tom: They're called suspects. The victims are the fourteen-year-old schoolgirls the suspects kept in a cage and sold to chickenhawks to poke, prod, and put on the Internet. Suspects, Washington. Suspects.
Detective: As evil as those men were, they had a right to trial. There's gonna be some blowback from the Korean community on this one.
Tom: Now that you're all militant, why don't you just say it? You think I'm a racist.
Detective: You have another explanation?
Tom: No I don't. Because if I roll and determine the suspects are black, yellow or brown, I'll blow 'em out of their socks. But if they're white, I'll give 'em a ride home. You know why? 'Cause I'm a racist. Fuck you.
Detective: Man, I would give my right arm to have that shit on tape.
Tom: What happened to you, Terrence? We used to be brothers.

Jake: Ever since I brought these tickets up, you guys have made my life absolutely miserable, but that ends now, because I've made a choice.
Terry: Cagney is sick. We don't know how long she has.
Charles: We do know for Nikolaj. It's 36 hours.

Terry: Santiago and I are going to an administration workshop for the NYPD.
Amy: And it's voluntary, so only the cool kids are gonna be there.
Jake: I love you so much.

Terry: Motorcycles are death machines. I have three kids. I'm not risking it.
Captain: Are you saying my life matters less because I don't conform to society's heteronormative child-centric ideals?
Terry: Are you really playing the gay card right now?
Captain: Yas queen.

Lee: Beware, beware, walk with care / Care for what you do / Or mumbo jumbo's gonna hoo-doo you / Mumbo jumbo's gonna hoo-doo you / Boom-lay, boom-lay, boom-lay boom!

Captain: And so concludes this year's Secret Santa drawing. Just a quick reminder of the rules: $40 limit, no perishable items, and no homemade massage coupons, Hitchcock.
Hitchcock: Fine, then everyone'll have to pay full price for them.
Jake: Oh, Captain. I would like a $40 gift card to any restaurant that serves nachos.
Captain: I don't have you, Peralta.
Jake: Not only do I know that you do indeed have me, but I also know who everyone else has.
Terry: That's not possible.
Jake: Perhaps not for an ordinary man such as yourself, Jeffords. But for the brilliant mind of Detective Sherlock Peralta - I legally changed my name - it's quite simply... elementary. For, you see, Amy made a face I only recognized from our bedroom, which means that she has Captain Holt. Charles has Terry. His eyes keep shifting over to him.
Charles: [shifts eyes to Terry] No, I don't.
Jake: Terry looked disgusted, which means he has Hitchcock. Rosa didn't draw a name, nor did she put one in. She doesn't wanna participate.
Rosa: Never do.
Jake: Hitchcock moves his mouth when he reads and he quite clearly said Char-les.
Hitchcock: I did get Char-les.
Jake: Scully has Amy. He's hold his paper name-side out.
Scully: Oh, he's good.
Jake: And I have Scully, which means Captain Holt has me. I'll be taking that gift card. Daddy loves nachos.

Jake: Hey there, big guy. You sure you're feeling okay about ending Charles' life?
Terry: Yep, my girls are gonna see this movie.
Jake: Right, well, before you commit manslaughter, I do feel compelled to tell you that the movie only has a 38 on Rotten Tomatoes.

Jake: I should not have gone to that party. I shouldn't have gone to that bathroom. I should not have arrested her boss.
Terry: I don't see it that way. You did everything right. You were a good cop.
Jake: Good lonely cop.
Terry: Hey, man, you put yourself out there. You weren't breezy. You like Sophia, you fought for her. You should be proud.
Captain: No, you should be changing her auto-correct. What's her last name?
Jake: Perez.
Captain: No. It's "Butt" now. Sophia Butt.

Pilar: Who you are?
Barney: We're Americans.
Lee: Since when?
Gunner: Swedish.
Hale: Blackfoot.
Maggie: Chinese.
Toll: Retards.
Barney: [to Toll Road] You done?

Terry: I haven't done cardio in twenty years, how hard can it be?
[starts running]
Terry: It's immediately awful!

Terry: Focus on the good. You can hold your head up: you took the high road with Wuntch.
Captain: Not entirely. When I was alone in her office, I changed her auto-correct. Now when she types "Wuntch," it gets replaced with "Butt."

Terry: Hey, guys. How you feeling, Gina?
Gina: Sometimes I feel like a nut, sometimes I don't. Almond Joy's got nuts. Mounds don't.
Jake: She's very hopped up on painkillers.
Gina: Hold up, when did you learn French, Monsieur La baguette?
Jake: [in French accent] Oh, as a bebe.
Gina: Oh, oui! Oui, oui, oui, oui.
Jake: It actually helps to play along, I'm assuming.

Raymond: I'm off to walk my beat again, much like Sisyphus, condemned to push the same boulder up the same hill day in and day out.
Terry: You know, according to French philosopher Albert Camus, Sisyphus achieved happiness in that absurd repetition.
Raymond: Any French philosophy post-Rousseau is essentially a magazine.

Terry: I'm following our captain's orders.
Rosa: His orders were stupid. I hated him more than any cop I've ever known.
[Gasps]
Rosa: Whoa. I just realized I'm never gonna be able to say that to his face. I mean, I could say it to his wife at the funeral, but it won't be the same.

Toll: [eating some bad food] Oh. This tastes like shit.
[to Caesar]
Toll: How's yours?
Hale: Can't complain about rigatoni. Plan ahead, fellas. That's all I have to say. Y'all, what if you knew you were going to die tomorrow? What would your last meal be? One choice.
Toll: One choice?
Hale: It'd probably be cereal for you, huh?
Toll: What the hell's wrong with cereal?
Gunner: It's cliché.
Hale: You gotta be original. You know, if you were an original, broad-thinking man, you'd probably come up with some special cereal, like Earios. You know, just like your ear. You know, pour milk on them suckers, they just lay there and you don't hear shit.
Toll: For the record, my hearing is 20/20.
Hale: Barney?
Barney: Donuts and most food that kills ya.
Hale: That's deep, man.
Barney: [chuckles] You think so?
Hale: Maggie?
Maggie: Crispy aromatic duck with plum sauce. Very sexy.
[short pause]
Maggie: But I like Italian, too.
Hale: I'm starting to think Italian's overrated.
[everyone laughs]
Gunner: Hey. What about me? My favorite Swedish dinner would be, baby seal, and whale ass, in the summer.
[to Maggie]
Gunner: But I'd really die for some Chinese.
Barney: Then you're gonna starve to death.
[everyone laughs]

Will: Who else's body have you guarded.
Lonny: We don't talk about that.
Will: Okay.
Lonny: Kanye. It was awesome.

Police: You're a big guy, okay? Don't do anything that's gonna make us nervous.
Lonny: Nothing I can do about being big and black at the same time.

Terry: You're a genius!
Gina: Well, I'd love to take credit, but the truth is life just isn't that hard.

Terry: My girls are on the wait list for their preschool and it's twice as tough to get in with twins.
Rosa: Why don't you just get one of them in and then let them take turns going to school every other day?
Terry: Diaz, that's crazy.
[pause]
Terry: I asked my wife and she said no.

Terry: [to Charles and Rosa] What were you thinking, breeding guinea pigs at work?
Charles: We weren't breeding them on purpose, they're just very sexual creatures and we didn't wanna slut shame them.
Rosa: Yeah, sorry you're not more sex positive, Terry.

Terry: [to Captain Holt] I don't want your help anymore! I'm not a garbage man! I'm a muffin man!

Tom: [Somebody takes Tom's parking space] Oh come on! You ni... ncompoop! You Can't do that! Hey!
Huey: [narrating] A Nigga moment can happen to any Black man at any time
Tom: Hey! That was my space! I had my Blinker on and everything!
Man: Fuck you, Punk-ass, Pussy-ass, Bitch-ass Nigga! I'll get your motherfuckin' seditty ass, Nigga! Don't ever in your life try to holla at me! Fuck with me, Nigga I'll pop a trunk on your bitch ass, Nigga. Get my motherfuckin' Uzi...
Colonel H. Stinkmeaner: [Begins to Possess Tom] What did you say, NIGGA?
Man: You know what, motherfucker? Eat a dick Nigga! I'm tired of this mother...
[Tom, possessed by Stinkmeaner, kicks him in his chest]
Colonel H. Stinkmeaner: Oh yeah! Look at you! You was poppin' all that good shit a second ago then you got kicked in yo' chest! You eat a dick, nigga! *You* eat a dick!
Tom: [returns to normal in realization of what he's done] Oh, my god! Sir, are you okay? Who did this to you? What did he look like?
[yells out to parking lot]
Tom: Did anyone see who accosted this man?

Cheeseburger: [to Megget] You acting like a real Mcasshole?

Raymond: When we originally wed, we didn't know how long gay marriage would be legal, so we had a somewhat rushed ceremony. Kevin has always regretted it, so we're having a vow renewal ceremony. This time, we're pulling out all the stops. It's will be a truly extravagant affair.
Charles: Oh, how extravagant are we talking? Champagne pyramid?
Terry: Destination wedding?
Jake: Celebrity officiant?
Raymond: We got the salad forks! Can you believe it, a second fork? Who do we think we are?
[Everyone is left speechless]
Raymond: Oh no, you're shocked at how garish it is. Now I don't even want to tell you the other surprise I have in store for Kevin.
Jake: Wait, let me guess -- you're getting bread plates?
Raymond: Don't be absurd; we're not crazy. No, the big surprise is I'm retiring from the NYPD.
Terry: Wait...
Charles: What?
Jake: Why did you lead with the salad forks?

Hackman: [singing] I've got no strings, so I have fun. I'm not tied up to anyone. They got strings, but you can see, there are no strings on me.

Frank: Boy, you got your mom's muscles. You a prizefighter?
Chico: No, actually, I'm a... piano player.

Terry: I called my friend at the lab. He's gonna take the guinea pigs. They're not gonna do any chemical tests on them. They're just gonna teach them how to run mazes.
Charles: Really? I want you to look Claire 38 in the eye, and tell her that...
Terry: [Without hesitation] I'm sending you to a lab, Claire. Bye.

Terry: I gotta say, the Chinese know how to make a terrible scotch.
Jake: They certainly do. Ugh, it's bad. Gets you drunk, though.

Captain: [Terry has just fixed a copy machine] *It works!* I've never been more proud of you for anything in your life.
Terry: I mean, I've solved a lot of cases for you.
Captain: And yet crime has continued.

Terry: I get my protein from real food. 22 meals a day, one every 40 minutes.

Cheeseburger: You gotta always protect the McNuggets!

Cheeseburger: It ain't easy being cheesy!

Terry: You drank a soda? Not sure that's the worst thing in the world.
Captain: It was the worst thing in the world. Worse than a fruit-forward Riesling. No, I'm not exaggerating.

Terry: [Gina demonstrates that Terry thinks everything is dumb] Everyone should wear suspenders. Belts are dumb.
[Different scene]
Terry: People should swim forward. The backstroke is dumb.
[Different scene]
Terry: 30 grams of fat? Hummus is dumb.

Rosa: Hey, we're about to do the Taser challenge, you guys want in?
Terry: What's the Taser challenge?
Rosa: We Tase each other then drink.
Terry: How do you win?
Rosa: What are you, a lawyer? You want in or not?

Raymond: Shall we have a read-off, Santiago?
Amy: We don't have finger guards.
Raymond: So we do it raw.
Terry: Okay, I normally don't encourage such childish competitions, but this might help things go faster. My only question is, Holt, are you sure your old ass eyes are up to the challenge?
Raymond: I know you're just trying to motivate me, but these old ass eyes will be reading your tombstone, son.

Terry: Hey, Staten Island is great. It's got parks, loads of bike paths, tons of up and coming restaurants... I mean, easy access to New Jersey.
Amy: You're lying. Your right pec is popping all over the place. We all know that's your tell.
Terry: Of course I'm lying. It's Staten Island. The precinct is the One-Two-Two. How the hell am I supposed to chant One-Two-Two? One-Two-Two! One-Two-Two! I sound like a damn choo-choo train!

Hale: [driving around abandoned war-torn streets] This is weird.
Gunner: It's like home.

Jake: [Looks around the bullpen, sees some big water bottles and starts formulating an idea] Bottles. Boyle. Bullpen.
Terry: What are you...
Jake: Uh-buh-buh. Bottles, Boyle, bullpen.
[Beat]
Jake: Bowling.
[Cut to Boyle, strapped on a chair, ready to act as a human bowling ball]
Jake: Behold, Brooklyn buddies, Boyle bullpen bottle bowling.
Charles: Beautiful.
Jake: Be brave, bro. Be brave. Bowl!
Rosa: [Boyle knocks over all the water bottles] Bam!
Charles: Bull's-eye!
Jake: Booyah!
Elderly: Babushka!
Jake: [Beat] Babushka!