The Best That '70s Show, Season 1, Episode 10 Quotes

Donna: What's the assignment?
Eric: All right: "In 1,000 words, describe the three branches of the United States government and their functions". I'll never make it.
Steven: [Jackie says she has a paper on the subject she did last year, so she leaves to get it] Hey, what do I need Jackie for, man? I know more about this stuff than she does. The three true branches of the government are military, corporate and Hollywood.

- I hope you're hungry.
- Yeah, the chicken will be done soon.
- I can't eat chicken.
- You know I have an irritable bowel.

- j' the same old thing j' j' we did last week j' j' not a thing to do j' j' but talk to you j' j' whoa, yeah! J' hello, Wisconsin!

Steven: [Kelso, having just been pleasantly assaulted by Jackie, returns and takes off his shirt, revealing a hickey] She Hoovered your chest, man!

Reginald: Eric, I love your grandmother very, very much. I just can't talk to her or spend any time with her.

Pastor: Please stand for a moment of silent meditation.
[we then hear each family member's silent prayer]
Kitty: [she has just quit smoking] Dear God, thank you so much for helping me quit such a filthy, disgusting... soothing, delicious habit. Oh, God, I can't do this. No, no, I'm fine. Amen.
Bernice: Dear God, what's with all the Polacks?
Eric: Dear God, I don't mean to bother you on your day off, but I promised to help out with Grandma, and I have a term paper due tomorrow, so if you could either get her to leave early today or burn down the school tomorrow. I mean, either-or. God's choice. It'd really help me out, man... God... Lord... uh, Amen.
Reginald: Dear Lord, would it kill ya to give the Packers a winning season? Amen. Oh, and, uh, watch over my loving family, blah, blah, blah.

- Kitty?
- Oh, there you are, red.
- Ma says the cat bit her, so I'm down here lookin' for it.
- Dad, we don't have a cat.
- That's what I thought.

- Hey, what do we need
- Jackie for, man?
- I know more about this stuff than she does.
- The three true branches of the government are military, corporate, and Hollywood.
- I need a pencil.
- I got it. I got it.
- Jackie, run!

[to Jackie and Kelso]
Donna: Finally. Where have you guys been?
Michael: We had to look for the paper, and eat, and then some stuff happened. You know.
Eric: Your shirt's on inside out.
Michael: Yeah, that's the stuff.

- About 25 years ago, your father was dating this very attractive well-to-do woman that your grandma liked, and, um...
- He married me instead.
- And she never forgave me.
- That bitch.

- Well, uh...
- You know, we really...
- We shouldn't leave your poor little foreign friend up there alone with grandma.
- So, really, it's kind of nice down here.