The Best That '70s Show, Season 4, Episode 8 Quotes

Eric: I can't BELIEVE Donna would publish this in the school newspaper!
Fez: I know; this could be in Readers Digest - it's THAT good!

- Well, maybe it's because even witches have itches.
- All is forgiven!
- God, why do all my stories end like that?
- Don't stop.
- I like where you were going.
- All right, guys. It is time to make a withdrawal from the First
- National Bank of Pinball.

- Part... Huh?
- What?
- "And as Wanda walked away, she knew in her heart
- "she would never stop loving Derek."
- Wow, that's good writing.
- It's emotional and it screws you.

- If it bothers you, we can invite them over, and you can do the grilling.
- But for now,
- I'd really appreciate it if you'd just shut it.
- If one more person tells me to shut it...
- What?
- You might actually shut it?

- Oh, I am wicked.
- And until you agree to be my wife,
- I will scour the earth in search of cats named Sir Bonkers, and I will kill them all!
- Or, at very least, spray them with water, which everyone knows they hate.

- It's been that way since the first caveman bonked a woolly mammoth on the head and threw it on the barbecue.
- And his cave wife made the salad.
- I smell something burning.
- Oh, darn!

- "marshmallow pen."
- What?
- This story is about us.
- No, it's not.
- You took stuff from our life and put them in your story.
- Like the time you found those Playboys under my bed.

Red: Think about it: this lady likes Bob! I have a hard time believing she even exists! We're gonna get over there and find Bob sitting in a rocker, wearing a women's wig!

- I mean, we take stuff from our lives.
- Yeah, but you made me mean all the time and that's mean.
- Okay, maybe I exaggerate some stuff,
- 'cause, you know,
- I'm writing this for stupid high school girls.
- Oh, my God! Great story!

[Kelso enters the Hub and sees a Space Invaders game instead of the pinball machine]
Michael: What the hell! Where's my pinball machine?
Fez: [chuckles] Oh, where, indeed? Ohh, I remember. I convinced the owner that pinball was out, and Space Invaders was in.
Michael: Fez, why would you stab me in the back like that?
Fez: [taunting] Well, rest assured, Kelso, your frogs and chickens comment had nothing to do with it.
[Kelso fails to understand that Fez is being sarcastic]
Michael: Well, why then?

Jackie: [angrily] Michael, Steven just told me that instead of buying me a dress, you spent my 50 dollars on this stupid machine!
[Kelso looks accusingly at Hyde]
Steven: [to Jackie] Jackie, I did not.
[Hyde looks at Kelso, smiling]
Steven: [chuckles] Oh, yeah... I did.
Michael: Jackie, listen. There's an old saying: "You buy a girl a dress, and she looks pretty for one night. But you buy her boyfriend a pinball machine, and she looks pretty for life".
Jackie: Okay. Here's another old saying, Michael: "You're dumb as dirt".
Eric: That's true. That was in the yearbook.
Michael: Okay! Okay! All right. Listen, listen. So, I bought a half stake in this machine, all right? So, that means for every quarter I put into it, I get half back. That's a 50% profit!
Fez: Uh, actually, Kelso, I think that's a 50% loss.
Michael: Fez, I know it's hard for a foreigner to understand our complicated capitalist system. But we're dealing with quarters here, not frogs or chickens.
Fez: Well, I'm not going to dignify that with a response... because I can't think of one. But, when I do, a good day to you!

Michael: All right, guys. It is time to make a withdrawal from the First National Bank of Pinball.
[Kelso opens the machine. There are only two coins inside]
Michael: Oh, man. No one's playing.
Fez: [taunting] Well, I would've played, but my frogs and chickens wouldn't fit into the slot.