The Best That '70s Show, Season 6, Episode 7 Quotes

Michael: Nice Christmas decorations! I see you're using one of the better-tasting glues.

- I learned something about myself.
- Oh, well, isn't that...
- Okay, well, if it makes you feel any better, I get to keep the uniform.
- Yeah, that helps.
- Yeah.
- You set me up! "Sing a song, they'll all love you."
- Well, I'm gonna spend
- Christmas in a locker.

Michael: [to Brooke] Pregnant women should not be standing on their tiptoes, 'cause the baby will come out all cross-eyed.

- just because a couple of high-school kids think you're cool.
- Excuse me, aren't you Hot Donna?
- You were so awesome on the radio today.
- You really think?
- Wait, what's going on?
- I think we're in for a treat.

[Red has been volunteered to be Santa Claus at the mall this year, and is not at all thrilled about it. He and Kitty are at the mall, dressed like Santa and Mrs. Santa. Bob wears an elf costume]
Kitty: [chuckles] Okay, Mr. Claus. Let's hear your best Santa laugh!
Reginald: [dully] Ho, ho.
Bob: You left out a 'ho', Red. It's three ho's! Did you even read the Santa manual?
Kitty: Okay, Red, I'm sure you'll do fine. Just remember, Santa is a cheerful, jolly fellow, who never calls a child "dumbass".
[some time later]
Reginald: So, what do ya want for Christmas?
Young: I want a Slinky!
Reginald: A Slinky? Oh, you'll get sick of a Slinky in a day. I'm putting you down for flash cards. Math, that's what you're getting for Christmas.
[the boy gapes]
Reginald: Next!
Young: I want a pony.
Reginald: Ponies die.
[the girl is shocked]
Reginald: What you need is a good pair of boots. Go on, keep it moving.
Little: I want a flying car.
Reginald: I did, too, when I was your age, kid. But then the future came... and took my dreams away. Just like it's gonna take yours.
[the girl gapes]
Kitty: Okay. Okay, little girl, y'know what? I bet if you're extra good, you'll get your flying car one day.
[Kitty and the girl walk away]
Reginald: [calling after them] Don't listen to her, it's a lie!
[Kitty turns to Red, glaring at him]
Kitty: [chiding] Bad Santa!

- Okay, how about we make a compromise between "almost none" and what I want to do, which is "it"?
- Okay, if you want, you can help me hang decorations tonight for the library's
- Christmas party.
- Spend Christmas
- Eve in a library?
- Why don't you just kick me in the 'nads?

- ♪ Ain't got no knife
- ♪ Don't you start no fight
- ♪ 'Cause I'm T.N.T.,
- I'm dynamite
- ♪ T.N.T. and I'll win the fight
- ♪ T.N.T. I'm a power load
- ♪ T.N.T. watch me explode

Reginald: This mall is only big enough for one Santa, Bob.
Bob: Tell ya what. You name five reindeer and I'll step down.
Reginald: I can name five toes that are gonna be in your ass!
Kitty: [annoyed] Oh, for goodness sake! Why don't we stop calling it Christmas and call it "Assmas"?
Bob: [gets up, sighing] Fine, I'll go. I only got worked up because Joanne's gone and Donna's working. The only people I have at home are my two friends, Egg and Nog.
[Red sighs and takes off his Santa suit]
Reginald: Alright, fine. You wanna be Santa, go ahead.
Bob: [sits back] Thanks, Red.
Reginald: Yeah, it's all for the best. I've already eaten about two pounds of fake beard as it is.
[the young boy returns with a cop. He points accusingly at Bob, mistaking him for Red]
Young: There he is! Santa's the one that told me communists hate God.
[confused, Bob looks around]
Reginald: [smiles] Gotta go, Santa!
[Red walks away, without correcting the boy's mistaken identity]
Kitty: Merry Christmas, Bob!
[Kitty walks away]
Kitty: [mumbles angrily] Mrs. Claus needs a drink.
[the cop approaches Bob, who still does not understand what he's been accused of]

[Red has just finished telling the boy his version of the Vietnam War]
Reginald: ...and that's what really happened in Vietnam.
Young: [confused] I don't understand.
Reginald: [glumly] Neither do I, kid. Neither do I.
Kitty: Okay, little boy, time to say goodbye to Santa.
[Kitty leads the boy away. The boy turns to her]
Young: What's an "ambush"?
Kitty: [smiles] It's a pretty bush with yellow flowers.
[Red gets up and approaches Kitty]
Reginald: Kitty, I gotta tell ya. I'm good with kids. I really taught him something. Y'know, I think I'm beginning to feel the Christmas spirit.
Kitty: Well, I'm glad Red, but let's try telling a Christmas story where nobody gets caught in a firefight.
[Red turns back and sees Bob sitting in his chair, also dressed like Santa Claus. Bob waves to him]
Reginald: Bob, what the hell are you doing?
Bob: You're depressing the kids. I'm Santa now.
Reginald: Get out of my chair, Bob, or you're gonna get a candy cane up your chimney!
Bob: I'm not moving.
Reginald: [takes off his Santa hat] Kitty, hold my silly red hat.

- That sneaky bastard.
- That sneaky bastard,
- Santa Claus, is on his way with a non-stop block of classic Christmas tunes.
- And remember, you're listening to WFPP, with me, Hot Donna.
- You hear that, Eric Forman?
- That's not bacon, that's your ass when I get a hold of you.

- I think there might be a practical joke in the works.
- No, man, I don't think so.
- I think it's 'cause I graduated.
- Hyde, am I cool now?
- Well, you're cool like margarine is butter.
- Close, but there's a little aftertaste.