The Best The Big Bang Theory, Season 1, Episode 2 Quotes

Leonard: Is this the high IQ sperm bank?
Althea: If you have to ask, maybe you shouldn't b here.

Penny: Four years I lived with him! Four years, I mean that's like as long as high school!
Sheldon: It took you FOUR YEARS to get through high school?

- What if we replaced panels a, b and f and crossbar h with aircraft-grade aluminum?
- Entire thing's one big heat sink.
- Perfect.
- Leonard and Sheldon, go to the junkyard and pick up 6 square meters of aluminum.
- Raj and I will get the oxyacetylene torch.
- Meet in an hour?
- Done.
- Got it.
- Okay, this place does look pretty good.

Penny: I'm a vegetarian. Except for fish. And the occasional steak, I love steak!

Leonard: So, tell us about you.
Penny: Um, me? Okay - I'm a Sagittarius, which probably tells you way more than you need to know.
Sheldon: Yes - it tells us that you participate in the mass cultural delusion that the sun's apparent position relative to arbitrarily defined constellations at the time of your birth somehow affects your personality.
Penny: [stares at Sheldon in utter confusion] Participateinthewhat?
Leonard: [scrambling to save face] I think what Sheldon is trying to say is that Sagittarius wouldn't have been our first guess.
Penny: Oh, yeah - lot of people think I'm a water sign.

Sheldon: It's just some quantum mechanics with a little string theory doodling around the edges. That part there, that's just a joke. It's a spoof of the Born-Oppenheimer approximation.
Penny: So you're like one of those Beautiful Mind genius guys. This is really impressive.
Leonard: I have a board. If you like boards, this is my board.
Penny: Holy smokes!
Sheldon: If by "holy smokes", you mean a derivative restatement of the kind of stuff you can find scribbled on the wall of any men's room at MIT, sure.

Sheldon: And why can't she get her own TV?
Leonard: Come on, you know how it is with break-ups.
Sheldon: No, I don't and neither do you.
Leonard: But I -- I broke up with Joyce Kim.
Sheldon: You did not break-up with Joyce Kim, she defected to North Korea.
Leonard: To mend her broken heart.

- Doesn't mean I should just assume
- Leonard and Sheldon are.
- Right?
- She asked me a question.
- I should probably nod.
- That's exactly what I thought.
- Thank you for listening. You're a doll.
- Uh-oh. Turn your pelvis.

Penny: So, what do you guys do for fun around here?
Sheldon: Well, today we tried masturbating for money.

Penny: [to Raj] I'm sorry, do you speak English?
Wolowitz: Oh, he speaks English, he just can't speak to women.
Penny: Really? Why?
Wolowitz: He's kind of a nerd. Juice box?

- Penny?
- I just want you to know that you don't have to live like this.
- I'm here for you.
- What's he talking about?
- It's a joke.
- I don't get it.
- Yeah, he didn't tell it right.

Wolowitz: Bonne Douche!
Penny: I'm sorry?
Wolowitz: It's French for "Good shower". It's a sentiment I can express in six languages.
Leonard: Save it for your blog, Howard.

- I have a master's and two ph. Ds,
- I should not have to do this.
- What?
- I'm truly sorry for what happened last night.
- I take full responsibility.
- I hope that it won't color your opinion of Leonard...
- Who is not only a wonderful guy, but also, I hear, a gentle and thorough lover.

- Well, she was upset at first...
- But probably because her sister shot somebody.
- Then there was something about you, and then she hugged me.
- She hugged you? How did she hug you?
- Is that her perfume I smell?
- Intoxicating, isn't it?

Leonard: We need to widen our circle.
Sheldon: I have a very wide circle. I have 212 friends on MySpace.
Leonard: Yes, and you've never met one of them.
Sheldon: That's the beauty of it.

Leonard: [discussing Sheldon's work] At least I didn't have to invent 26 dimensions just to make the math come out.
Sheldon: I didn't invent them. They're there.
Leonard: In what universe?
Sheldon: In *all* of them, that is the point!

- I'm just gonna go wash up.
- I have 2600 comic books in there.
- I challenge you to find a single reference to Kryptonian skin cells.
- Challenge accepted.
- We're locked out.
- Also, the pretty girl left.

Leonard: Should we have invited her for lunch?
Sheldon: No, we're gonna start season two of Battlestar Galactica.
Leonard: We already watched the season two DVDs.
Sheldon: Not with commentary.

Sheldon: If by "Holy Smokes", you mean a derivative restatement of the kind of stuff you could find scribbled on the wall of any men's room at MIT, sure.

Leonard: We brought home Indian food, and I know that moving can be stressful and I find that when I'm undergoing stress, good food and company can have a comforting effect. Also curry is a natural laxative, and I don't have to tell you that a clean colon is one less thing to worry about.
Sheldon: Leonard, I'm no expert here but I believe in the context of a luncheon invitation, you might want to skip the reference to bowel movements.

Wolowitz: It's a Stephen Hawking lecture from MIT in 1974.
Leonard: This isn't a good time.
Wolowitz: [talking like a computer] "It's befooore he becaame a creeepy computer voooice!"

Sheldon: Leonard has a lady over.
Wolowitz: Yeah, right, your grandmother's back in town?

- Madam curie's discovery of radium turned out to have great potential...
- Even though she would later die a siow, painful death from radiation poisoning.
- Another example, from the field of ebola research..."
- Leonard.
- Yeah?
- We're okay.

Sheldon: I don't know your odds in the world as a whole, but as far as the population of this car goes, you're a veritable mac daddy.

Sheldon: You're not done with her, are you?
Leonard: Our babies will be smart *AND* beautiful.
Sheldon: Not to mention imaginary.

Leonard: Oh, I love cheesecake.
Sheldon: You're lactose intolerant.
Leonard: I don't eat it, I just think it's a good idea.

Sheldon: But then some poor woman is going to pin her hopes on my sperm, what if she winds up with a toddler that doesn't know if he should use an integral or a differential to solve for the area under a curve?
Leonard: I'm sure she'll still love him.
Sheldon: I wouldn't.

Leonard: Come on! We have a combined IQ of 360 we should be able to figure out how to get into a stupid building.
[two girls selling cookies ring every bell, the door opens]
Sheldon: What do you think their combined IQ is?

Sheldon: I really think we should examine the chain of causality here.
Leonard: Must we?
Sheldon: Event A: A beautiful woman stands naked in our shower. Event B: We drive halfway across town to retrieve a television set from the aforementioned woman's ex-boyfriend. Query: On what plane of existence is there even a semi-rational link between these events?
Leonard: She asked me to do her a favor, Sheldon.
Sheldon: Ah, yes. Well, that may be the proximal cause of our journey, but we both know it only exists in contradistinction to the higher-level distal cause.
Leonard: Which is?
Sheldon: You think with your penis.

Wolowitz: Enchanté, mademoiselle. Howard Wolowitz, Caltech department of applied physics, you may be familiar with some of my work, it's currently orbiting Jupiter's largest moon taking high resolution digital photographs...?
Penny: Penny... I work at the Cheesecake Factory!

Penny: So, what do you guys do for fun in this town?
Sheldon: Well, today we tried masturbating for money.

Penny: Oh, I'm so sorry, I'm such a mess. And on top of everything else, I'm all gross from moving. And my stupid shower doesn't even work.
Leonard: Our shower works.
Penny: Really? Would it be totally weird if I used it?
Sheldon: Yes.
Leonard: No.
Sheldon: No?
Leonard: No.
Sheldon: No.

Sheldon: Do you want to hear an interesting thing about stairs?
Leonard: Not really.
Sheldon: [going on anyway] If the height of a single step is off by as little as two millimeters, most people will trip.
Leonard: I don't care.
[thinks about it]
Leonard: Two milli - that doesn't seem right.
Sheldon: It's true - I did a series of experiments when I was twelve. My father broke his clavicle.
Leonard: Is that why they sent you to boarding school?
Sheldon: No - that was the result of my work with lasers.

[first lines]
Sheldon: So, if a photon is directed through a plane with two slits in it and either slit is observed, it will not go through both slits. If it's unobserved, it will. However, if it's observed after it's left the plane, but before it hits its target, it will not have gone through both slits.
Leonard: Agreed. What's your point?
Sheldon: It's no point. I just think it's a good idea for a t-shirt.

Sheldon: Uhm, Penny, that's where I sit.
Penny: So sit next to me.
Sheldon: No, I sit there.
Penny: What's the difference?
Sheldon: What's the difference?
Leonard: Here we go.
Sheldon: In the winter, that seat is close enough to the radiator to remain warm, and yet not so close as to cause perspiration. In the summer, it's directly in the path of a cross-breeze created by opening windows there and there. It faces the television at an angle that is neither direct, thus discouraging conversation, nor so far wide as to create a parallax distortion. I could go on.

- And snoring.
- And that's probably just a sinus infection.
- But it could be sleep apnea. You might wanna see an otorhinolaryngologist.
- The throat doctor.
- And what kind of doctor removes shoes from asses?
- Depending on the depth...
- That's either a proctologist, or a general surgeon.