The Best The Big Bang Theory, Season 2, Episode 13 Quotes

Sheldon: Kripke!
Barry: Yeah?
Sheldon: What would you say to the idea of you and I becoming friends?
Barry: I would say... I have no intewest in becoming your fwiend.
Sheldon: Really? Oh, that seems rather short sighted coming from someone who is generally considered altogether unlikeable. Why don't you take some time to reconsider?
Barry: [sarcastically] Yeah, I'll do that.
Sheldon: [to Raj, Howard and Leonard] Well, *I* think we're off to a terrific start.

Sheldon: I'm having some difficulty bonding with a colleague at work, so I'm doing a little research to better understand why my current friends like me.
Penny: Yes, well, that is a good question. But is this really the best way to figure it out?
Sheldon: I agree. The social sciences are largely hokum. But short of putting electrodes in your brain and monitoring your response to my companionship, this is the best I can do.
Penny: Okay, question one: "Rank the following aspects of Sheldon Cooper in order of appeal: intelligence, ruthless attention to hygiene, playfulness, Java applet writing"?
Sheldon: I know. I may have started off with a fairly obvious one. An aspect of of my most appealing trait: playfulness. Why don't you just go ahead and rank that number one? I'm afraid you're on your own for the rest. It should take you no more than three hours.
Penny: Well, wait, how many questions are on this thing?
Sheldon: Only two hundred and eleven. Don't worry. In deference to you, I've kept them all at a high school graduate reading level.
Penny: [sarcastically] Thanks, pal.
Sheldon: You got it, buddy.
Penny: Sheldon, honey, did you ever consider making friends by being, I don't know, pleasant?
Sheldon: Well, that's certainly a thought-provoking hypothesis. May I suggest it as the topic for your essay?

Sheldon: Tsk, tsk, tsk. Your questionnaire, very disappointing.
Leonard: I answered every question, Sheldon.
Sheldon: You answered the multiple choice questions in a pattern. See, A-B-B-A-C, A-B-B-A-C.
Leonard: Oh, you picked up on that, huh?
Sheldon: Yeah, wait... How could I not?
Leonard: Well, uh, come on. There's over two hundred questions. And look at some of these things. "Sheldon is to camaraderie as the space shuttle is to blank."
Sheldon: There are a number of acceptable answers. For example, "c", near-Earth transport. But certainly not "b", avocado rancher. And your essay, suggesting that I'd have better luck making friends if I wait 'till the Cylons take over? Please.
Leonard: Hold on. I put some real work into that.
Sheldon: Yes, well, it's better than what Wolowitz did. He drew a raccoon with what appears to be a distended scrotum.
Leonard: [looking at the drawing] It's kind of cute.
[Sheldon looks offended]
Leonard: Uh, 'till you get to the scrotum.
Sheldon: Yeah. What hope do I have for establishing new relationships, given that my current friends apparently could not take a few hours out of their lives to help me?
Leonard: Well, Sheldon, I'm not going to defend a big-balled raccoon.
Sheldon: Oh, I don't see how you could.

Rajesh: I'm curious; in the 'How Well Do You Know Sheldon' section, what did you put for his favorite amino acid?
Leonard: Lysine.
Rajesh: Damn it! I had lysine and changed it!

[first lines]
Rajesh: Mmmm! Gentlemen, I put it to you: the worst tapioca pudding is better than the best pudding of any other flavor.
Sheldon: First off, that is axiomatically wrong because the best pudding is chocolate. Secondly, the organic structure of tapioca makes it a jiggling bowl of potential death. It is extracted from the plant...
Howard: - Hey, I'm thinking of growing a mustache.
Leonard: Oh, no kidding. A Fu Manchu, a handlebar, pencil?
Sheldon: It's extracted from the plant...
Howard: I'm not sure yet. You know, George Clooney has one now.
Rajesh: Really? I once saw him shopping at Ralphs. He was buying tequila.
Howard: Oh, you'd think a guy like that would have some kind of booze lackey.
[Sheldon's face and eyes are twitching]
Leonard: Alright, this is cruel. We better let him finish before his head explodes.
Howard: Alright, Sheldon, why is tapioca...
[at lightning speed]
Sheldon: Tapioca is extracted from the root of the plant Manihot esculenta. Due to a high concentration of cyanide it is poisonous in its raw form and lethal if prepared improperly.
[takes a drink]
Rajesh: Feel better now?
Sheldon: It is also indigenous to Brazil, as is the cocoa bean from which we get chocolate, the best pudding.
[to Leonard]
Sheldon: You promised you wouldn't do that anymore.

Barry: You afwaid of heights, Cooper?
Sheldon: Hardly. A fear of heights is illogical. Fear of falling, on the other hand, is prudent and evolutionary.

Howard: [after Kripke hits on Penny] Suddenly, I'm looking pretty good, huh?

- I have no interest in becoming your friend.
- Really?
- Oh, that seems rather shortsighted...
- Coming from someone who is considered altogether unlikable.
- Take some time to reconsider.
- Yeah, I'll do that.
- Well, I think we're off to a terrific start.

Sheldon: I believe I've isolated the algorithm for making friends.
Leonard: Sheldon, there is no algorithm for making friends.
Howard: Hear him out. If he's really onto something, we could open a booth at ComiCon; make a fortune.

Sheldon: Excuse me, do you have any books about making friends?
Jeremy: Um, yeah, but they're all for little kids.
Sheldon: I assume the skills can be extrapolated and transferred.
Jeremy: Uh, I guess. They're right over there by the wooden train set.
Sheldon: Ooh, I love trains!
Jeremy: I bet you do.

Barry: You all wight there, Cooper?
Sheldon: Not really. I feel somewhat like an inverse tangent function at the approach to the asymptote.
Barry: Are you saying you're stuck?
Sheldon: What part of 'inverse tangent function approaching an asymptote' did you not understand?

[last lines]
[all three guys are looking upwards]
Howard: You got to give him credit for sticking with it.
Leonard: I didn't think he had it in him.
Rajesh: He almost made it to the top this time.
[camera pulls back to show Sheldon hanging in his harness, out cold]

Leonard: My point is, if you want to learn how to make friends, then just go out to a coffee shop or a museum, meet people, talk to them, take an interest in *their* lives.
Sheldon: That's insane on the face of it.

Sheldon: Hello. This is Sheldon Cooper. I'm leaving a message for Barry Kripke. Barry, It was pleasant seeing you today in the cafeteria. I saw that you purchased the chef's salad. Apparently, you did not know that the chef's salad is kitchen trickery, to utilize scrap meat. Nevertheless, I hope you enjoyed it. I'm following up on our pending friendship, and I look forward to hearing from you regarding its status. Sheldon Cooper.

- I'm sorry, can we just do it one more time?
- Okay.
- One, two. One, two, three and...

- Just keep going.
- Yeah, I don't think I can.
- Well, then climb back down.
- No, that doesn't seem any more likely.
- So, what's the plan, Cooper?
- Well, it's not exactly a plan but I think I'm going to pass out.

[Howard makes a few minor changes to Sheldon's friendship flow chart]
Sheldon: A loop counter and an escape to the least objectionable activity. Howard, that's brilliant! I'm surprised you saw that.
Howard: [sarcastically, to Raj and Leonard] Gee, why can't Sheldon make friends?

Sheldon: [studying rock-climbing wall] This appears significantly more... monolithic than it did on my laptop. Y'know, one expects to see hominids learning to use bones as weapons.

Howard: Don't let him get to you. It's Kripke!
Rajesh: Yeah, he's a ginormous knob.
Howard: That's why he eats by himself instead of sitting here at the cool table.
Rajesh: Fo' shizzle.

Sheldon: That's where I sit.
Barry: Ooh, you have a special spot. What kind of wacko are you?
Howard: How much time you got?

Sheldon: [looking through children's books on making friends] All right, let's see. "Bernie Bunny Has Two Daddies Now". That's probably about homosexual rabbits. "Gerry the Gerbil and the Bullies on the Bus". Read it, not helpful.

Leonard: What I'm trying to say is that maybe you can't approach this as a purely intellectual exercise.
Sheldon: What do you mean?
Leonard: Well, uh, remember when you tried to learn how to swim using the internet?
Sheldon: I *did* learn how to swim.
Leonard: On the floor.
Sheldon: The skills are transferable. I just have no interest in going in the water.
Leonard: Then why learn how to swim?
Sheldon: The ice caps are melting, Leonard. In the future, swimming isn't going to be optional.

Leonard: Sheldon, what are you doing?
Sheldon: I'm making friends with this little girl. What's your name?
Rebecca: Rebecca.
Sheldon: Hi, Rebecca. I'm your new friend, Sheldon.
Leonard: [pulling Sheldon away] No, you're not. Let's go.
Sheldon: We were really hitting it off.
Leonard: Don't look up, there's cameras.

- Oh. This entire endeavor seems to have been an exercise in futility.
- Raj, you're back in.
- He likes monkeys.
- You gotta give him credit for sticking with it.
- I didn't think he had it in him.
- And he almost made it to the top this time.

Sheldon: I've made substantial progress in bonding with Kripke, which brings me to an awkward moment.
Leonard: What's that?
Sheldon: Maintaining five friendships promises to be a Herculean task. So... I'm going to have to let one of you go.
Howard: [whispering] Me, me. Let it be me.

Leonard: There you go. Now any e-mail from Wolowitz will go right into your spam folder.
Penny: Thanks. I mean the e-mail doesn't bother me as much as the vacation pictures of him in a bathing suit.
Leonard: Yeah, I got the same one. And that's not a bathing suit, it's a tan line.

Sheldon: Oh, good. You're just in time. I believe I've isolated the algorithm for making friends.
Leonard: Sheldon, there is no algorithm for making friends.
Howard: Hear him out. If he's really onto something, we could open a booth at Comic-Con, make a fortune.
Sheldon: You see, my initial approach with Kripke had the same deficiencies as those that plagued Stu the Cockatoo when he was new at the zoo.
Rajesh: Stu the Cockatoo?
Leonard: [sarcastic] Yes. He's new at the zoo.