The Best The Big Bang Theory, Season 5, Episode 1 Quotes

[Penny can't find a clean cup to pour some wine into. She then decides to use a measuring cup]
Penny: Yup, that's good. Wine glasses should have handles.

[Penny is upset about being promiscuous when she gets drunk]
Penny: I feel like two totally different people - Dr. Jekyll and Mrs. Whore.

Leonard: What are you grinding about?
Sheldon: Penny's brain teaser this morning. She and Koothrappali emerge from your bedroom. She is disheveled and Raj is dressed only in a sheet. The sole clue: It's not what it looks like.
Leonard: Just let it go, Sheldon.
Sheldon: If I could, I would, but I can't, so I shan't.

Amy: Know the story of Catherine the Great?.. She ruled Russia in the late 1700s, and one night when she was feeling randy she used an intricate system of pulleys to have intimate relations with a horse.
Penny: I'm sorry, what does this have to do with me?
Amy: She engaged in inter-species hanky-panky... and people still call her great.

[last lines]
Sandy: [in a TV commercial] Ready to ride?
Penny: I don't think so, mom. Not today.
Sandy: Oh, sweetie, hemorrhoids acting up again?
Penny: You don't know the half of it.
Sandy: Oh, yes, I do. Try a dab of this.
Penny: [reading the tube] 'Rose scented preparation H for women'?
Sandy: Now the 'H' is for 'her'.
Leonard: [watching the commercial] I'm proud of you.
Penny: Shh! Here comes my joke.
Sandy: [in the commercial - they are both riding] How are you doing?
Penny: Sittin' pretty.

- Try a dab of this.
- "Rose-scented preparation-h for women?"
- Now, the h is for her.
- I'm proud of you.
- Shh. Here comes my joke.
- How you doing?
- Sitting pretty.

- Although what I lack in leadership,
- I more than make up for in sewing.
- Let it go, Sheldon. I'll get you a jamba juice on the way home.
- No. Jamba juice is for heroes.
- And that's what we're going to be.
- What are you doing?
- Following in the footsteps of kirk, crunch and kangaroo.

Amy: [Talking to Penny] Oh I can so see you being the face of hemorrhoids.

Raj: As your friend, you might like to know that, um... we didn't have sex in the conventional sense.
Penny: Oh, God. Did you pull some weird Indian crap on me?
Raj: No, no. After we got undressed and jumped in bed, you... you asked if I had protection.
Penny: Oh, you did, didn't you?
Raj: Of course. I'm always packing. Anyway, um, I had trouble putting it on and you tried to help and... that was all she wrote.
Penny: So, we didn't actually...
Raj: I did. It was beautiful.

Penny: You know, I've done this before. In kindergarten, I was supposed to marry Jason Sorensen but by the time my class got out there, he was engaged to Chelsea Himmelfarb. What did I do? Hung upside down from the monkey bars let all the boys see my underpants.
Amy: You can't blame yourself. When your pre-frontal cortex fails to make you happy, promiscuity rewards you with dopamine. We neurobiologists refer to this as the skank reflex.

- Oh, my gosh. I can't believe it.
- Really?
- Oh, I'm so excited. Thank you.
- Thank you so much. Okay, bye.
- I got the hemorrhoid commercial.
- I start Monday.
- What about Nebraska?
- Oh, hell with Nebraska.
- I'm gonna be a star.

Leonard: Got any advice?
Beverly: Yes. Buck up.
Leonard: Excuse me - you're a world-renowned expert in parenting and child development, and all you've got is "buck up"?
Beverly: Sorry. Buck up, Sissy Pants.
Leonard: Thanks, Mother, I feel better.
Beverly: If you need any more help, my books are available on Amazon.

Raj: Can I say I ruined you for white men?

Sheldon: Geology isn't a real science!

- Oh, boy, that's a true-blue friend.
- They slept together, Sherlock.
- No, you weren't listening.
- She said, "it's not what it looks like."
- She lied.
- Now don't I look silly sitting here wearing this?

- She ruled Russia in the late 17003, and one night when she was feeling Randy...
- She used an intricate system of pulleys to have intimate relations with a horse.
- I'm sorry, what does this have to do with me?
- She engaged in inter-species hanky-panky...
- And people still call her great.
- I'm sure your reputation can survive you shagging a little Indian boy.

Amy: A guest in my trundle bed and a boy at my door? I wish I could tell 13-year-old me, it does get better!

Sheldon: I've decided my rank will be captain. If it's good enough for Kirk, Crunch and Kangaroo, it's good enough for me.

Penny: You know what? Let's get out of here.
Amy: Where are we going.
Penny: Somewhere where no one's seen me naked. We may have to drive a while.

- Oh, can I stay at your place for a few nights?
- Really? A best-friend sleepover? Yay.
- Yeah, sure. Yay, heh.
- We'll make popcorn, stay up all night, and I'll teach you my secret language.
- Sounds great.
- Nope. Sounds: Yeah, I'm gonna go pack a bag.
- No, you're not. You're gonna:

Penny: Look, Honey, I was really drunk and made a huge mistake last night. We should have never slept together; it's what ruins friendships.
Raj: You can't ruin a friendship with sex; that's like trying to ruin ice cream with chocolate sprinkles.

Sheldon: For the record, I do have genitals. They're functional and aesthetically pleasing.

Penny: You heard what I did?
Amy: Well, I heard who you did.

Bernadette: What the hell is wrong with you?
Raj: Well, uh, you were always so nice to me, I thought maybe you liked me.
Bernadette: [yells] I'm nice to everyone!

- Oh, Bernadette, please play my clarinet that could have been about anyone.
- You have nothing to worry about, because now I'm the dusky half...
- Of koothrapenny.
- For the record, I do have genitals.
- They're functional and aesthetically pleasing.