The Best The Big Bang Theory, Season 6, Episode 9 Quotes

Howard: [arguing with Sheldon] Are you even listening to yourself?
Sheldon: Of course I listen to myself. It's one of the great joys of my life.

Sheldon: You know what they say: Revenge is a dish best served nude.

- Well, I'd love to help you out, but unfortunately...
- I'm using it.
- Fine. I'm taking your diploma.
Sheldon: Go ahead.
- That's the only doctorate you'll ever get.
- It smells funny in here.
- We're so proud of you, Amy.
- Your first bikini wax.

Sheldon: Well, Howard, thank you. It's quite a gesture on your part. You've shown yourself to be the bigger man.
Howard: Thank you.
Sheldon: Which I find totally unacceptable. I must be the bigger man. Therefore, you may use my spot until such time as I learn to drive or get a Batmobile.
Howard: Wow, okay. Well, thanks. I don't know what to say.
Sheldon: There is nothing to say. Except I'm the bigger man. I'm not kidding. Say it.
Raj: Just say it.
Howard: You're the bigger man, Sheldon.
Sheldon: Oh, stop. And I believe this is yours. FYI, if you wear that into a bank, they will tackle you to the ground.

Howard: Hi, Sheldon.
Sheldon: [seeing Howard naked on the couch] AHHHH! He's in my spot. Leonard, make him stop being naked in my spot.
Leonard: Howard, what are you doing?
Howard: He wasn't using it, and I needed a nice, cool piece of leather to wiggle my naked ass on.
Sheldon: Get off there.
Howard: Give me back my Iron Man helmet.
Sheldon: Give me back my parking space.
Howard: You don't need a parking space. You don't have a car.
Sheldon: Well, you don't need an Iron Man helmet. You're not Iron Man.
Howard: Well, we appear to have reached an impasse. And I have to say, I thought you'd be more upset that your laptop is sitting on my junk.
Raj: [to Leonard] I didn't pick up on that. That's a nice touch.

[Amy and Bernadette are arguing over the parking spot, and Amy tries to hit Bernadette with her handbag, but Bernadette ducks, and Amy hits Penny instead]
Penny: [crying out in pain] You idiot! What the hell do you have in there?
Amy: Just my wallet, keys and a coffee can full of change I've been meaning to take to the bank!
Bernadette: [running off] Don't move, I'll get some ice!
Amy: Are you okay?
Penny: [clutching her face] Get away from me, or I swear to God I will rip out what's left of your pubes!
Bernadette: [returning with a bag of frozen peas] Here.
Penny: [groaning in pain] Thanks.

- You were parked in Howard's spot.
- I was in Sheldon's spot.
- Sheldon doesn't have a spot.
Penny: Guys, I think I need to go to the emergency room.
- Okay, let's go.
- I'll drive. You can see...
- Where the tow truck scratched my car.
- The tow truck didn't scratch your car.
- How do you know?
- Because I did it.

- You don't need a parking space.
- You don't have a car.
- You don't need an iron man helmet.
- You're not iron man.
- Well, we appear to have reached an impasse...
- And, you know, I have to say,
- I thought you'd be more upset...
- That your laptop is sitting on myjunk.
- I didn't pick up on that.
- That's a nice touch.

Sheldon: [phone talk] President Seibert, listen to reason. Yeah, I understand I don't use the parking spot. That's not the point. I...
Sheldon: Yes, I'm aware you told me not to call you at home. But you didn't answer the door. And I know you were there because I saw you through the mail slot.
Sheldon: Yeah, well, that's some salty language.May I remind you, you're the president of a major university, not the president of the Potty Mouth Club.
Sheldon: There it is again. Do you kiss your mother with that mouth?
Sheldon: Well, I'm sorry for your loss. Good night, sir.
Sheldon: [to Leonard] Unbelievable! He says Wolowitz deserves my spot because he's a high-profile asset to the university.
Leonard: Well, he's not wrong. Howard did go to the International Space Station.
Sheldon: That was five weeks ago. How much longer is he gonna milk that cow?
Leonard: Sheldon, let it go. It's not a big deal.
Sheldon: No. No, this is a slippery slope, Leonard. See, it starts with a parking space. Where does it end? It's like my dad always said, "First they say you can't drink and drive. Next you can't let your 10-year-old take the wheel while you sleep one off in the backseat."

Amy: [confronting Penny and Bernadette in the former's apartment] Oh, looks like someone's on Team Bernadette. Where's Howard?
Bernadette: He's not here. What's wrong?
Amy: [sharply] He had my car towed! It cost me two hundred dollars to get it back.
Bernadette: Oh, no. Where was it parked?
[Penny looks surprised]
Amy: In Sheldon's spot.
Bernadette: That doesn't make sense. Sheldon doesn't have a spot. Was it maybe in Howard's spot?
[Penny looks concerned at the thought of them arguing]
Amy: Don't play dumb with me, sister! You tell your husband he owes me two hundred dollars.
Bernadette: Well, that doesn't make sense, either.
Amy: Why not?
Bernadette: Because I'm the one who had it towed.
Amy: You?
Bernadette: Didn't see that one coming, did ya?
Amy: Oh, yeah? Well, you're not gonna see this coming!
[she swings her handbag at Bernadette, who ducks, and Amy ends up hitting Penny instead]

- This is about a parking space.
- It has nothing to do with cars.
- Are you listening to yourself?
- I always listen to myself.
- It's one of the great joys of my life.
- Now get your car out of my spot.
- Nope.
- Very well, you leave me no choice.
- What are you looking at, you stupid squirrel?

Raj: [to Leonard] If a zombie bites a vampire, and the vampire bites a human, does the human become a vampire or a zombie? Or a "zompire"?

- No, I don't.
- You can't stay there forever.
- Actually, I have a plastic baggy strapped to my leg that says I can.
- Give up, Wolowitz.
- You've chosen to tangle with a superior intellect you can't defeat.
- There is nothing you could possibly do to...

Sheldon: I don't want another parking space. I want my parking space. It's perfect. It's a corner spot, cutting the risk of door-dings in half. It's a mere 28 steps from the building entrance. The nearby tree provides shade on hot days and is also home to a delightful squirrel. Which is fortuitous because most squirrels are real jerks.

Sheldon: That's my parking spot.
Raj: Why do you have a parking spot? You don't have a car. You don't drive.
Sheldon: It doesn't matter. That's my spot.
Leonard: Maybe they reassigned it because you never use it.
Sheldon: I'm not using my nipples either. Maybe they should reassign those.
Howard: Sheldon, someday, if you get a car, I'm sure they'll give you another parking space.
Sheldon: I don't want another parking space. I want my parking space. Well, it's perfect. It's a corner spot, cutting the risk of door dings in half. It's a mere 28 steps from the building entrance. The nearby tree provides shade on hot days, and is also home to a delightful squirrel which is fortuitous because most squirrels are real jerks.
Howard: Fun story. Meanwhile, you still don't have a car.
Sheldon: Don't try to change the subject. This is about a parking space. It has nothing to do with cars.
Howard: Are you listening to yourself?
Sheldon: I always listen to myself. It's one of the great joys of my life. Now get your car out of my spot.

Sheldon: A naked man sat on it. Now, here's my concern. His diet is rich in fatty deli meats. What tests do you have to detect lipid residue?
Dry: Lipid what?
Sheldon: Lipid residue. An anal autograph. A colon calling card, if you will.

Bernadette: Amy, I'm sensing a little hostility. Is it because your sex life, like Sheldon's work, is also theoretical?
Penny: Damn...!
Amy: At least when we *do* make love, he wouldn't be thinking about his MOTHER! And yes, that's a cleverly veiled reference to Howard's lifelong obsession to crawl back into her spacious womb!

- If you're interested, I'm selling this.
- It's only 2 years old...
- Has 16 gigabytes of ram...
- Intel core i7 processor...
- And I can personally guarantee...
- It has spent less than 20 minutes resting on an astronaut's penis.

Penny: I remember the first time I got a bikini wax. My sister did it with melted Crayolas and duct tape. Yeah, it's a bad idea.

Sheldon: Looks like that laptop's seen better days. If you're interested, I'm selling this. It's only 2 years old, there's 16 gigabytes of RAM, Intel core i7 processor, and I can personally guarantee it has spent less than 20 minutes resting on an astronaut's penis.

Bernadette: [Coming up the stairs with Penny] We're so proud of you, Amy. Your first bikini wax.
[Amy is following them up stumbling and walking awkwardly, she does straighten up once she's on the floor]
Penny: Yeah. So how you doing?
Amy: Oh, a little sensitive, but not bad. Does it always take that long?
Penny: No, they don't usually have to go out and get more wax.
Amy: [as they enter the apartment] I feel like I'm five pounds lighter.
Bernadette: Really? Only five?

Penny: Howard's mother is in, like, every one of your wedding photos.
Bernadette: What can I tell you? She's a big girl. Wherever you look, there she is.

- I'd like to propose a toast.
- To burying the hatchet.
- To burying the hatchet.
- You know,
- I'm kind of glad this happened.
- Me too. In a weird way,
- I kind of feel like it brought us closer.
- Yeah, everybody's happy. Great.

Sheldon: [to Howard] Payback! It certainly *is* the B word!

[Amy and Bernadette's arguing over the parking spot resulted in Penny being hit in the face and badly bruised]
Bernadette: Amy, you think maybe this has gotten a little out of hand?
Penny: [pained] Gee, you think?
Amy: I do. Penny, Bernadette and I are sorry.
Bernadette: [enraged] You hit her! What did I do?
Amy: You had my car towed!
Bernadette: [yelling] You were parked in Howard's spot!
Amy: [yelling] I was parked in Sheldon's spot!
Bernadette: [arguing back] Sheldon doesn't HAVE a spot!
Penny: Guys, I think I need to go to the emergency room!
Bernadette: Okay, let's go.
[they take Penny by her arms and escort her out]
Amy: I'll drive. You can see where the tow truck scratched my car.
Bernadette: The tow truck didn't scratch your car.
Amy: How do you know?
Bernadette: 'CAUSE I DID IT!

Leonard: Your hypothesis is completely disconfirmed by all the data. You're just clinging to it out of intellectual stubbornness.
Raj: No, you're displaying a shocking ignorance of the subject matter. Mummies and zombies are the exact same thing.
Leonard: Oh yeah? Mummies are wrapped in bandages.
Raj: That's called a fashion choice.
Leonard: Alright, you brought this on yourself. Sheldon, get him.
Sheldon: If a zombie bites you, you turn into a zombie. However, if a mummy bites you, all you turn into is some schmo with a mummy bite. So, like a zombie that's been eaten from the waist down, You, sir, have no leg to stand on.