The Best The Good Place, Season 1, Episode 3 Quotes

Eleanor: Oh, so now I'm supposed to be nice and make friends and treat her with mutual respect?
Chidi: Yeah.
Eleanor: That exactly what she wants me to do, Chidi, wake up!
Chidi: That that's what everyone wants everyone to do.

Michael: Listen, Chidi. I've been studying your file. You're a very interesting case. You essentially only did one thing while you were on Earth. You thought and wrote about ethics.
Chidi: Yes, I spent 18 years working on my manuscript called "Who We Are and Who We Are Not--colon--Practical Ethics and Their Application in the Modern World--semi-colon--a Treatise--"
Michael: Yes, yes, yes, that's the one. That's the one.

Andy: [reaching across the table] Did you know your left reference is a little bit bigger than your right reference? It's not a bad thing, it's just it's a thing.

- Let's throw that monstrosity in the trash and start over!
- Aren't there maybe some parts worth salvaging?
- Honestly, man, I don't even know.
- I mean that thing is unreadable.
- I literally learned what headaches were because that thing gave me a headache.
- Okay.
- There you go!
- New beginnings! Well done.

Chidi: I have what doctors call "directional insanity". I once got lost on an escalator. So, not exactly Christopher Columbus.

[first lines]
Chidi: So Aristotle was Plato's student. And Aristotle believes that your character is voluntary, because it's just the result of your actions, which are under your control. For example, right now, you have made the insane choice to ignore the person who is literally trying to save you from eternal damnation.
Eleanor: No, yeah, yeah, yeah, I'm listening. Uh, I just are we sure we should be paying attention to these guys? It's like, who died and left Aristotle in charge of ethics?
Chidi: Plato.

[last lines]
Eleanor: Okay, you're right. I don't belong here. Michael made a mistake. But I'm trying, dude. I'm really trying to be a good person. And I think I'm changing for the better, so just please, please don't rat me out.
Jianyu: Don't worry, I won't.
[sighs]
Jianyu: Because I'm not supposed to be here, either. I don't know how I got here, I have no idea what's going on, and I am freakin' out, homey! You got to help me. I'm scared!
Eleanor: What?

- I'll see you... oh, no, no, no.
- Please, stay and enjoy the evening tea.
- I'll see you soon.
- I can't even tell if you've kissed my cheek or the air around it.
- Oh. Thank you. That's the goal.
- Boop!

Chidi: Thank you for trying to find me a new hobby. Um, but I just want to be an academic. I want to keep working on my manuscript.
Michael: Chidi, here's the thing. See, I read your whole book, all 3,600 pages of it. It's, um... how shall I put this?
Janet: It's a mess, dude.
Chidi: [Janet drops Chidi's massive manuscript into his hands] Hey!
Michael: She's right. You see, Chidi, I can read the entirety of the world's literature in about an hour. This took me two weeks to get through. I mean, it's so convoluted, I just kept reading the same paragraph over and over again, trying to figure out what the heck you were saying.
Chidi: Oh, no.
Michael: I mean, on page 1,000, you start section two with the sentence, "Of course, the exact opposite might be true."