The Best The Good Place, Season 2, Episode 10 Quotes

Shawn: I took the form of a 45 year-old white man for a reason; I can only fail up.

Eleanor: Look. Moral particularism says there are no fixed rules that work in every situation. Like, let's say you promised your friend you'd go to the movies. But then your mom suddenly gets rushed to the ER. Your boy Kant would say never break a promise. Go see "Chronicles of Riddick." Doesn't matter if your mom gets lonely and steals a bucket of Vicodin from the nurse's closet.
Chidi: Real example?
Eleanor: Yep! But a moral particularist like me... I'm one now; I just decided... would say there's no absolute rule. You have to choose your actions based on the particular situation and right now, we are in a pretty bonkers situation.
Chidi: I don't think I can change what I believe just like that!
Eleanor: And I didn't think I would ever be at a cocktail party in literal Hell, lecturing my teacher/ex-lover about moral particularism, but life throws you curveballs, bro! And need I remind you it was doing things your way that made you end up here.

Michael: Hey, guess what? I just solved the trolley problem. Remember? The thought experiment where you're driving the trolley and you can either plow into a group of people or turn and hit one person? I solved it.
Eleanor: That's really great, but I don't think now's the time.
Michael: See, the trolley problem forces you to choose between two versions of letting other people die. And the actual solution is very simple: sacrifice yourself.
Eleanor: What does that mean?
[Michael takes off his portal lapel pin and puts it on Eleanor]
Michael: You look after the others. They need you.

Chidi: I'm gonna be sick, and I don't want to go back to the bathroom because they put mirrors in the toilet, and that makes you really confront what you're doing!

Petruchio: All right, everyone, we've got a lot of work to do. Why don't you set up the bar over by that wall?
Bad: Why don't you roll off your mom and do it yourself, you fat dink?
[they both laugh]
Petruchio: [to a disguised Good Janet] Set up more of those tables. We're expecting a big crowd.
Janet: You got it, you piece of... butt.

Jason: Forget this plan! I say we just huck a Molotov cocktail and run through the portal.
Chidi: I think we should go with Michael's plan.
Jason: I'm telling you, Molotov cocktails work. Any time I had a problem, and I threw a Molotov cocktail, boom! Right away, I had a different problem.
Eleanor: He makes a strong case.

Tahani: Let's practice. I'm going to make a simple request, and you're going to give me that patented Bad Janet attitude. Can I have a glass of water?
Janet: [hands Tahani a glass of water] Here you go.
Tahani: No. Let's try again. Be mean. Bad Janet, can I have a glass of water?
Janet: No. I would never give you that, you... dumb person...
Tahani: Janet, what's that behind your back?
Janet: Nothing.
Tahani: Give it to me.
Janet: [sheepishly] It's a glass of water. And a back-up glass. Ooh, boy.

Jason: I know what my secret identity is.
Eleanor: You cannot be Blake Bortles.
Jason: Fine. Then I'll be Jake...
Chidi: Don't say Jortles.
Jason: ...Jortles! And I work in the Molotov Cocktail department.

Tahani: I'm Tahani al-Jamil, a vainglorious attention-seeker with enough jealousy to power Elon Musk's underwater mansion... which I've been to, by the way.
Tahani: [whispering] I have, actually. It's remarkable.
Tahani: It's remarkable.
Chidi: I'm Chidi Anagonye. Or maybe I'm not. I can't decide anything. Or maybe I can. Aww, I can't decide. My stomach hurts.
Eleanor: [to a glaring Chidi] What? They kind of nailed it. I've heard you say all that stuff.
Eleanor: I'm Eleanor Shellstrop. I mock others to distract myself from the emptiness inside me.
Eleanor: That's fair. That's a fair hit.
Jason: I'm Jason Mendoza. Duh...
Jason: [laughing] That's me!

Chidi: Look, Eleanor, our goal here is to appear in front of a judge who is going to judge us. What if I lie down here and I lose 12 points, and then we get in front of the Judge, and I'm 12 points short? Or what if the Judge won't even take our case at all because we lied to get there? Kant says that lying is always wrong, and I follow that maxim.
Eleanor: So you can't even lie to demons? They're trying to torture us, man. We're behind enemy lines!
Chidi: Well, principles aren't principles when you pick and choose when you're going to follow them. I won't lie about who I am.
Eleanor: Okay. I understand, and I'm cool with it.
Chidi: You're lying right now, aren't you?
Eleanor: Yes. I want to strangle you.

Janet: I have gained a lot of new skills recently. For example, I learned how to be passive-aggressive. Totally fine that you guys haven't noticed!

Eleanor: Look... if you don't want to lie because it conflicts with your moral principles, I get it. No one's going to be mad at you.
Chidi: Really?
Eleanor: No, dumbass! I'm lying to make you feel better. See? Sometimes lying is awesome.
[gasps]
Eleanor: Plus I just said "dumbass". Oh, cursing, how I've missed you.

Michael: It's a torture museum. Famous examples of bad behavior and explanations of the torture they earned.
Jason: Is there a gift shop?
Michael: Jason, this is Hell. Of course there's a gift shop.

Michael: These pins are very hard to come by. Only upper management types have them. So you guys will lay low while I get us four more. Janet doesn't need one, because for portals, she counts as a carry-on.
Janet: I'm luggage!

Michael: See, the judge exists in a sort of neutral zone, separate from the Good Place and the Bad Place. The only things there are the Judge's quarters, the accounting department, and the Janet warehouse. There's also an IHOP.
Jason: Ooh! I'm gonna order the Rooty Tooty Fresh 'N' Fruity!
Michael: No. Sorry. In this realm, IHOP stands for "Interdimensional Hole of Pancakes". You don't really eat these pancakes. It's more like they eat you.
Jason: [beat] Okay. I'll get eggs, then.

Jason: I don't know. This plan seems complicated.
Eleanor: To be fair, you also once said that about an orange.
Jason: They don't make sense. Apples, you eat their clothes. But oranges you don't?

Eleanor: Hear me out. What if lying is ethical in this situation? What if certain actions aren't universally good or bad? Like Jonathan Dancy says.
Chidi: Jonathan Dancy? Are you talking about moral particularism? We never even covered that. You read on your own?
Eleanor: You think just because I'm a straight hottie I can't read philosophy for fun?