The Best The Good Place, Season 2, Episode 3 Quotes

Michael: We're running out of time, and I'm your only option.
Eleanor: A lot of guys your age said that to me just as the bar was about to close. But I never settled for them. Because my ex-boyfriend lived nearby, he was obsessed with me and he never slept because he was addicted to Adderall. There is always another option.

[Laughs] Okay.
- Look, bro,
- I don't owe you anything.
- I gotta do what's right for me.
- You can come with me if you want.
- I got another mop we can put in the bed.
- Good luck.

Michael: Everyone in the Bad Place Bureau of Human Affairs gets randomly assigned a human body so we can get the feel of how best to torture you. I gotta say, it took me a long time to get used to the hanging bits.
Eleanor: Gross!
Michael: Oh, get your mind out of the gutter, Eleanor. I was talking about my testicles.

Michael: Guys, there's no debate here. My boss gave me two chances to make this work. Suffice to say, I tried more than two times. If he finds out, we're all in hot water. Literally, they will boil us. We will be the main ingredient in a chowder of pain.

Michael: One of my employees is blackmailing me. Vicky. She runs the clam chowder place in the main square, A Little Bit Chowder Now.
Tahani: Oh, the place with the-the chowder fountain?
Eleanor: No, that's Pump Up the Clam. A Little Bit Chowder Now has the lazy river of chowder.
[gagging]
Eleanor: How did we ever think this was the Good Place?

Michael: How do I explain this? I'm basically an exterminator and you're cockroaches. My job was to squish you and poison you and yet, somehow, my very survival now depends on you, the cockroaches, agreeing to help me. That's funny.
Eleanor: We're cockroaches to you?
Michael: Yeah. Or dung beetles. I don't know. Something small and gross that creeps on the ground in its own filth. Just being honest.

Tahani: So I'm just an embarrassment to you? Is that what you think of me?
Kamilah: Honestly, I don't really think about you.

Jason: Janet, you're not gonna rat us out, right?
Janet: Well, Jason, I've been thinking about this a lot over the last one and a third milliseconds. I'm not allowed to lie, but my purpose is to make humans happy. And since you're the only actual humans here, I'm on board for whatever fun little schemes you guys come up with.
Eleanor: Okay. Bring it in. Team huddle. The Bad Place is about to be outsmarted by a cowardly traitor, four dum-dums, and a robot.
Janet: Not a robot.
Eleanor: We can do this.

Tahani: Oh, no. I died in *Cleveland*?
Michael: I don't think that should be your biggest takeaway from that story.

Véronique: Tahani Al-Jamil, social activist, philanthropist, neck model, and now cover girl for "International Sophisticate Magazine." Tahani, welcome.
Tahani: Oh, it's such an honor. I have long dreamt of being one of the women or yachts who grace your cover.
Véronique: Let's begin with your sister, Kamilah. A woman who, as you know, was offered the spot on our cover, but turned it down.
Tahani: I actually didn't know that. Please, carry on.
Véronique: Well, next week, Kamilah will travel to Cleveland, Ohio to become the youngest person ever inducted into the Rock 'n Roll Hall of Fame. Remarkable.
Tahani: [Beat] Is there a question?
Véronique: Don't you find that remarkable?

Tahani: [Hiding her resentment] Kamilah is very impressive. As you know, she released her debut album only six months ago and yet, the critics thought it was so brilliant that the Hall of Fame decided to waive its 25 year waiting period.

- and we're both only children.
- I'm sorry, I forgot about you.
- Hey! Can I get an Irish enema?
- That's baileys and sprite in a ziplock bag.
- Excuse me, do I look like a waitress to you?
- Here.

Michael: Look, I created this neighborhood as a way to torture the four of you, psychologically, for thousands of years. And you keep figuring it out and taking all the fun out of it.
Chidi: Fun?

- to come here and tell you off.
- No, you came to do what you always do: Make a scene and embarrass yourself.
- So I'm just an embarrassment to you?
- Is that what you think of me?
- Honestly, I don't really think about you.

Michael: You know, in all the reboots, I never showed you how you died. I was saving it in case I ever needed to really make you miserable. But it's hilarious. Of course, I mean sad.

Michael: I'm an immortal being with abilities you can only dream...
Eleanor: Yeah and we're an Arizona dirtbag, a human turtleneck, a narcissistic monster, and literally the dumbest person I've ever met.
Jason: And who am I? Describe me now!

Eleanor: You wanna team up? You've been torturing us and lying about it.
Michael: Oh, let's not get caught up on who lied to whom or which one of us created an entire fake reality in order to cause eternal misery for the others. That's ancient history.
Chidi: It was happening until twenty seconds ago.

- helping me out around the neighborhood, kind of like your mayor.
- Vicky sengupta!
- Vicky, would you like to say a few words?
- Actually, Michael,
- I'd like to sing a few words.
- Janet, hit it.