The Best The Good Place, Season 2, Episode 9 Quotes

Chidi: Okay, here's the thing. That balloon wants us to be the best version of ourselves. But for the four of us, that's not just a metaphor. There have literally been 802 different versions of us. And how do I know that this version is the best version of myself? How do I know it's not version #85, or 322, or 558?
Jason: Or 69, or 420?
[Eleanor high fives Jason without breaking face]

Jason: What do you guys think the Bad Place is going to be for you? I'll probably go to a Skrillex concert, and I'll be waiting for the bass drop. And it...
[chokes up]
Jason: it'll never come!

Jason: And to Janet, the best robot...
Janet: Not a robot.
Jason: Girl...
Janet: Not a girl.
Jason: And straight up hottie...
Janet: I am attractive, yes.
Jason: Any of us could have ever asked for.

[last lines]
Michael: In a way, the Good Place was inside the Bad Place all along?
Eleanor: You know what? That's technically true. I'm gonna give it to you.
Michael: [laughs] I just made an aphorism. Hit it, Janet! Next stop, the actual Bad Place!

Janet: Michael, there's a message coming in from Shawn.
Michael: [Reading Shawn's messages] Finish shutting everything down. Sending train first thing tomorrow. Humans will be captured and tortured soup. Sorry autocorrect. *soon. Although, weirdly, I did just finish turning someone into soup. So random. Ok bye.

Tahani: You all right?
Jason: Kind of. I asked Michael if I could pop the giant balloon, and he said no. Then I asked if I could suck the helium out of it to make my voice sound funny so it cheers everyone up, and he just kind of sighed and walked away. So I guess that one is still on the table.

Eleanor: This was your life's work. Are you okay with leaving the fake Good Place behind?
Michael: As long as I'm with you guys, I'm always in the fake Good Place.
Eleanor: That doesn't sound as nice as you think it does.

Michael: You humans have so many emotions! You only need two: anger and confusion!

Michael: All I've ever really wanted was to know what it feels like to be human, and now we're going to do the most human thing of all: attempt something futile with a ton of unearned confidence and fail spectacularly!

Michael: Guys, I tried a billion different ways. Not an exaggeration! I actually tried one billion and twelve different plans.

- "no, I'll use it."
- Oh, guys.
- A Dr. Oz diet book because you're all such suckers.
- This is all garbage that
- I have no real use for.
- That's right.
- Welcome to being human, buddy.
- To Michael!

Michael: Once you handed him a tissue right before he sneezed, and that simple act of anticipating his needs made him fall for you. One night you took a walk along the lake, and you had your first kiss, which - gross! Kissing is gross. You just mash your food holes together. It's not for that!

Chidi: I just wish we met the way normal people meet. Like at a philosophy conference, or after one of my philosophy lectures. Or you came knocking on my office door asking for help with philosophy.
Eleanor: Is that how you think people meet?
Chidi: [laughs] I have no idea how normal people meet.
Eleanor: [affectionately] You're such a nerd.