The Best The Good Place, Season 3, Episode 9 Quotes

Michael: We have no plan. No one's going to save us. So I'm gonna do it.

Eleanor: Where are we?
Michael: We're in the Good Place.
Eleanor: No offense, dude, but you have told us a lot of lies in the past three hundred years, so seriously, where the fork are we?
[realizes her curse word has been filtered]
Eleanor: Fork. Shirt. Ash hole.
[gasps]
Eleanor: Holy forking shirtballs... we're in the Good Place!

Neil: Ah, here's one. This means that someone has just done something which has never been done before. "Richard Moore of Sugarland, Texas, "hollowed out an eggplant and filled it with hot sauce and nickels." And amazingly, it's not a weird sex thing. 99% of all new human behaviors are weird sex things. But not in this... oh, no, it is a weird sex thing, yeah. Well then, we zip that over to the relevant departments. In this case, Anastasia in the Stuffed Vegetable Department. We've got Hector over in American Coins, and my dear buddy, Matt, in Weird Sex Things.
Matt: I'm still waiting on a response to the request I filed for immediate suicide.
Neil: Request denied.
[to Michael and Janet]
Neil: I love Matty. He's hilarious.

Michael: I need one of you to volunteer to do something outrageously insane that will either make you cease to exist or be really fun.
Jason: That's most of the things I've tried.
Michael: That's my guy. Come here, come here, get into the tube.
Jason: Oh, I love getting into the tube.

Eleanor: Chidi... I'm scared.
Chidi: I know.
Eleanor: What am I supposed to be doing right now? I don't remember.
[morphs into a new body]
Eleanor: I'm having a hard time remembering.
[begins to morph repeatedly into many different bodies]
Chidi: Right. Memories. You need to remember who you are. You're Eleanor Shellstrop from Phoenix, Arizona. Your favorite meal is shrimp scampi. You listed your emergency contact as Britney Spears as a long shot way of meeting her, and your favorite movie is that clip of John Travolta saying "Adele Dazeem". You flew halfway around the world because... you wanted to be a better person, and it was very brave. You're sharp, and you're strong, you make fun of me a lot, you once called me a human snooze button, but you also showed up in my classroom when I was drowning in despair and canned chili, and... you basically saved my life. You have very high self-esteem and a very low tolerance for men who wear sandals, and your worst nightmare is someone saying something nice about you to your face, but too bad, because I need to say it. Because you deserve it. Because... Because...
Eleanor: Chidi...
[Chidi grabs Eleanor and kisses her. The two slowly morph back into themselves]
Eleanor: Nice work, bud.
[beat]
Eleanor: Did you mean everything you said? Or did you just say it because the world was ending?
Chidi: I really wanna play this cool, but I'm afraid I'm gonna ruin it if I try to be sexy.
[sighs]
Chidi: I already ruined it. Um... saying the word sexy is not sexy...
[Eleanor kisses Chidi again]

Neil: Every action by every human on Earth is recorded and then sent here to be assigned a point value based on the absolute moral worth of that action. For example, a couple in Osaka, Japan, just decided to have a destination wedding: negative 1,200 points. Oh, and it's a destination theme wedding: negative 4,300. The theme's Lord of the Rings - they're basically doomed.

- Get in the tube.
- Oh, hell, yeah.
- I love getting in stuff.
- No way to know what happened to him.
- So, come on, let's go, everyone else.
- Come on.
- Here you go.

Michael: Is that a good Janet or a bad Janet?
Janet: That is a neutral Janet. She's sort of the black sheep of the Janet World... or blank sheep I guess... Oww, I can throw shade now, that's cool.

- and a very low tolerance for men who wear sandals, and your worst nightmare is someone saying something nice about you to your face, but too bad, because I need to say it because you deserve it.
- Because... because...
- Chidi...