The Best The Sopranos, Season 1, Episode 5 Quotes

- No one's asking for you, Fred.
- All right, vitus. Thanks.

- How's the interviews going?
- Good, real good.
- Did she like bates?
- Anything to get her off of this Berkeley kick.
- What the fuck?
- Tony?
- Look, I'll call you from the motel.

Meadow: Are you in the Mafia?
Tony: Am I in the what?
Meadow: Whatever you want to call it. Organized crime.
Tony: That's total crap, who told you that?
Meadow: Dad, I've lived in the house all my life. I've seen the police come with warrants. I've seen you going out at three in the morning.
Tony: So you never seen Doc Cusamano going out at three in the morning on a call?
Meadow: Did the Cusamano kids ever find $50,000 in krugerrandts and a .45 automatic while they were hunting for Easter eggs?
Tony: I'm in the waste management business. Everybody immediately assumes you're mobbed up. It's a stereotype. And it's offensive. And you're the last person I would want to perpetuate it... There is no Mafia.
Meadow: Fine.
Tony: Alright look, Mead, you're a grown woman, almost. Some of my money comes from illegal gambling and whatnot. How does that make you feel?
Meadow: At least you don't keep denying it, like Mom. Kids in school think it's actually kinda neat.
Tony: They seen "The Godfather", right?
Meadow: Not really. "Casino" we like, Sharon Stone, the 70's clothes, pills...
Tony: I'm not asking about those bums. I'm asking about you.
Meadow: Sometimes I wish you were like other dads. But then, like... Mr. Scangarelo for example? An advertising executive for big tobacco. Or lawyers? So many dads are full of shit.
Tony: Oh, and I'm not.
Meadow: You finally told the truth about this.
Tony: Look, Mead, part of my income comes from legitimate businesses, stock market...
Meadow: Look, Dad, please, okay? Don't start mealy-mouthing.

Bowdoin: He's our most famous alumnus.

- I was just thinking about when we watched Casablanca last week.
- That new print is great, huh?
- "Of all the lousy gin joints in the world, why'd you have to pick mine?"
- Of all the finocchi priests, why did I get the one who's straight?
- Carmela.
- Come on, it's a joke.

Carmela: I was thinking about when we watched "Casablanca" last week.
Father: That new print is great, huh?
Carmela: You know when Bogie says "Of all the lousy gin joints in the world, why did you have to pick mine."? Of all the finook priests in the world, why did I have to get the one who's straight?

[Christopher calls Tony from a phone booth, while it's raining]
Tony: What do you got?
Christopher: Wet shoes.
Tony: You chose this life. You don't want to work in the rain, try for the fucking Yankees.

Tony: There was a time, Mead, when the Italian people didn't have a lot of options.
Meadow: You mean like Mario Cuomo?
[Tony stares at her]
Meadow: Sorry.
Tony: You know I put food on the table. My father was in it. My uncle was in it. Maybe I was too lazy to think for myself. To consider myself... A rebel. Maybe being a rebel in my family would have been selling patio furniture on route 22.

- Ow! Don't!
- You want to stop and get a beer?

Carmela: And I thought he was changing. I thought therapy was gonna help clear up the f*' freak show in his head.
Father: Carmela, I'm sure you're wrong about them. Therapy is a start. A good start. But, yes, it doesn't fix the soul. He's gonna need help from other sources to repair that.
Carmela: Well, then you talk to him. You help him.
Father: But, well, there you go. Will he listen.

- It's about love.
- See it that way.
- What does that mean?
- It means...
- Hopefully someday we will learn to tolerate...
- Accept and forgive those that are different.
- Change through love.

- You can't lay it all off on them.
- I got into trouble when I was a kid.
- I heard.
- You did?
- In watervil/e, dine at the stone house.
- Serving the freshest
- Maine lobsters.
- Come see our new salad bar, featuring a wonderful...

- Where've you been?
- The motel didn't have the watch.
- I went to the restaurant.
- I had to wait for them to open.
- The restaurant had your watch?
- I took it off in the bathroom while I washed my hands.
- You ready?
- You'll be late for bowdoin.

- This guy was giving me
- Tequila shooters.
- Oh, god, everything is spinning.
- You're not mad, are you?
- A little bit.
- Where are the keys?
- I gave them to you.
- Supposed to be.
- I love you, dad.
- I know.

- Why do you have that?
- Unfortunately I had to say mass for someone in intensive care.
- Lord, I am not worthy to receive thee.
- But just say the word...
- And I will be healed.

- How?
- How long since you last confessed?
- I, uh...
- If you'd like, I can do this.
- You mean here? Now?
- The whole world is god's house.
- He hears and sees everything.

- He might've recognized me at the gas station. He could I am.
- You stay put. End of discussion.
- Why are you using the pay phone?
- These walls are like paper.
- Please don't lie to me.
- Go back to bed.
- Lying down made me throw up.

- Anything with Emma Thompson.
- I didn't know you looked.
- What?
- To take in through the eyes a beautiful woman...
- Is that different than a sunset?
- A Douglas fir?
- Or any of god's handiwork?

- Are you all right?
- Father Phil?
- Are you all right?
- Hello?

- I'll pick you up in a little while.
- Knock 'em dead.
- Aren't you coming in?
- I left my watch at the motel.
- I'll catch up to you later.
- Grab me a student paper.

- Colby! Turn left, it's left!
- That's because you're talking.
- This gets us to Colby anyhow.
- Dad, that's our motel.
- Our motel's right there.
- Did you know that guy?
- It wasn't him.

- Fuck that.
- Do it...
- Or you'll never get another bag off me.
- No, no, no. Fuck that.
- Fuck that!
- Want the cops to know who burnt the historical house?
- Fuck you, fuckwad!
- We were volunteer firemen together, asshole! I know!

- I'm invading your private time, am I?
- Yes.
- What's in that book?
- Come on, let me see.
- Or are you protecting me, is that what you're doing?
- Would I be shocked?
- Would it ruin my character?
- Let me see it.

- Accept the spirit of Christ, our lord and savior.
- Amen.
- In the name of the father, the son and the holy spirit. Amen.

- Big guy, New York sounding?
- Is there a problem?
- No. Dipshit hit me with his boat while I was tubing on caribou lake.
- Claims it was my fault.
- If he shows up, do you want me to call?
- Yeah, I wouldn't mind.
- Do that, thanks.

- I love you.
- I love you too.
- Where's my paper?
- I forgot.
- She forgot.
- Miss soprano. Come on in.
- Shall we talk about your future?

- Nothing. Just taking a walk, saw it, figured I'd call Christopher.
- Oh, yeah?
- Yeah.
- Everything okay?
- They got a leak in the roof, all right?
- Who is it?
- Father Phil.
- Just a second. Oh, Jesus.

Tony: [over the phone] Hey, I'm not sure but I think I just saw Fabian Petrulio
Christopher: Refresh my memory
Tony: What was it, before your time? Made guy, flipped about ten years ago: got busted for peddling H. Rat fuck took out a lot of people from our outfit. My old man was sick: he never recovered when he heard the news
Christopher: You sure you saw this guy?
Tony: That's what I'm saying. I think I did but I'm not sure
Christopher: Up in Maine, what the fuck?
Tony: He went into the witness protection program, then they kicked him out. Now he goes to colleges, gets paid all kinds of money to talk about what a big bad Mafioso he was
Christopher: Piece of shit
Tony: Febby and me partied couple times but Jackie Aprile knew him real good: we did a couple counts together up in Lewisburg. As a matter of fact, you know that bust that was in his rec room of Sinatra? Febby made it for him in a prison workshop

Tony: [regarding Father Phil] What you guys do for twelve hours? Play, uh, "Name That Pope"?
Carmela: He gave me communion.
Tony: Oh, I bet he gave you communion.
Carmela: Excuse me?
Tony: Well, Carmela, the guy spends the night here with you and all he does is slip you a wafer?
Carmela: That's verging on sacrilege.
Tony: Oh, I didn't mean to verge.

- I think he has committed horrible acts.
- I think he has...
- You know all about him, father Phil.
- I've said nothing.
- I've done nothing about it.
- I got a bad feeling.
- It's a matter of time before god compensates me...
- With outrage for my sins.

- Mommy!
- Yes, bear?
- Would you put me to bed? I'm scared.
- Sure, honey, hold on.
- I thought she was sleeping.
- Well, she woke up.
- Daddy's gonna come too.
- We'll both put you to bed.
- Hurry, daddy.
- Yeah, yeah.

- I won't do it again.
- It got too scary.
- Jesus, right under my nose.
- You'd think you'd know.
- No, dad. You won't.
- Well, I'm glad you told me.
- In spite of everything.
- I'm glad too. I'm glad we have that kind of relationship.

- Then you talk to him!
- You help him!
- But, well, there you go.
- I mean, will he listen?
- He must be a very unhappy man.
- He's unhappy?!
- Sleep is my number one... ah, shit!
- Why go into it?

- This is the body of Christ.
- It was broken for you.
- This is the blood of Christ.
- It was shed for you.

- And a .45 while hunting for easter eggs?
- In the waste management business, everybody assumes you're mobbed up.
- It's a stereotype, and it's offensive.
- You're the last person I want to perpetuate it.
- Fine.
- There is no mafia.

- That was a.J.
- He's sleeping over.
- I see.
- At a friend's house.
- Oh.
- The pucillos. I don't know if you know them.

- "It's just a coincidence...
- He's taking her to college."
- With wiseguys...
- The hustle never ends.
- If you'd shot me, your life would have been over.
- Please. I'm begging you.
- Jimmy says hello from hell!

- Oh, my god, my sweet children, to be a part of it.
- Because I wanted things for them.
- Wanted a better life. Good schools.
- I wanted this house.
- I wanted money in my hands, money to buy anything I ever wanted.
- I'm so ashamed.

- You're not eating, after all that work?
- My eyes were bigger than my stomach.
- Why don't you go over to Jason's, play Nintendo.
- Nope, no kisses. Cooties.
- I'll be back in an hour.
- Okay.

- Oh, hi, honey.
- Oh, yeah. Was it fun?
- Oh, good.
- You want to sleep over there?
- Okay. Love you.

- I don't know, father. I'll try.
- But I still love him.
- I believe he can be a good man.
- Then you help change him into a better man.
- Then you will have done good in god's eyes.
- You should take communion.

Tony: [Tony strangles "Fred Peters" with a wire from behind] Good morning rat!
Fred: [struggling] Who are you? What is this?
Tony: Don't make me laugh! You pimp! You fuck!
Fred: Teddy, there must be something we can...
Tony: Tony! It's Tony, you fuck! You know how much trouble you're in now? You took an oath, and you BROKE it!
Fred: I could have killed you last night outside the motel. Your daughter was drunk, remember? I was out at the parking lot, I had a gun, but I didn't do it. Because then I told myself
[crying for his life]
Fred: "It's just a coincidence! He's taking his little girl to college!"
Tony: Well you know about us wiseguys? The hustle never ends. If you shot me at that motel, your life would have been flushed out on the pisciadood!
Tony: Jimmy says "Hello" from hell, you fuck!
[Tony strangles Fred Peters to death]