150 Best Zooey Deschanel Quotes

Anita: First it was butter; then, it was sugar and white flour, bacon, eggs, bologna, rock 'n roll, motorcycles. Then! It was celebrating Christmas on a day in September when you knew it wouldn't be commercialized! What else are you gonna ban?
Elaine: Honey, you want to rebel against knowledge, I'm trying to give you the Cliff Notes on how to live life in this world.
Anita: We're like nobody else I know!
Elaine: I am a college professor. Why can't I teach my own kids? Use me!
Anita: Darryl says that you use knowledge to keep me down. He says that I'm a "Yes" person and *you* are trying to raise us in a "No" environment.
Elaine: Well, clearly "No" is a word Darryl doesn't hear much.
Anita: I can't live here! I hate you! Even William hates you!
Young: I don't hate her.
Anita: You *do* hate her. You don't even know the truth.
Elaine: Sweetheart, don't be a drama queen.
Anita: Feck you!
Elaine: Hey!
Anita: This is a house of lies!

Jess: It's our first wedding together, so we need nicknames. Nick is Knickknack or Mr. Suspenders.
Schmidt: No nicknames, okay? Your only job tonight is to be Nick's girlfriend, okay? And make sure that he stays out of trouble with Caroline.
Jess: Why can't you and Winston help?
Schmidt: We've tried. He doesn't listen to us anymore.
[flashback; Nick sits crying on the floor in his bedroom]
Schmidt: Look, she's not coming back.
Nick: [return to the present] He's right. I don't.

Trillian: You idiot! You signed the order to destroy Earth!
Zaphod: I did?
Arthur: He did?
Trillian: Love and kisses Zaphod? You didn't even read it, did you?
Zaphod: Well, I'm president, I don't have a lot of time for reading.
Trillian: My whole planet destroyed because you thought someone wanted your autograph!

Nick: Seriously, Jess, what the hell happened? I've been driving around for the last hour looking for you.
Cece: Everything is okay, and we were hoping to get everything out...
Jess: On the table.
Jess: The table which is not a table, it doesn't exist. So don't... don't worry about the table.
Nick: We were in the middle of traffic and you just got out and ran away.
Jess: I was hot.
Nick: You were so hot that you had to jump out of my car and run? Why are you standing like that?
Jess: This is how I stand.
Nick: I've never seen you stand like that. I was really worried something had happened to you, okay? And you can't just walk around this neighborhood with bags full of toilet paper that you don't even use.
Cece: What?
Jess: [whispering] I told him I don't use toilet paper.

Jess: I worked on something for you.
Nick: All right.
Jess: [saying it clearly] Penis.
Nick: Very good.
Jess: Thank you. Um, so did Amanda call you back?
Nick: No, I don't see Amanda calling me back.
Jess: I'm sorry.
Nick: It's okay. Maybe you were right. Maybe I'm not ready for meaningless sex with beautiful women.
Jess: Well, you know, maybe when you are, you'll be able to show her your other penis. Your heart penis.
Nick: Get out of my room.
Jess: Okay.
[turning to leave]
Jess: Hey, um... when I was, um, leaving in a hurry, um, did you see... everything?
Nick: Yep.
Jess: Even my... gumbo pot?
Nick: Ugh. "Gumbo pot"? Get out.

Jess: Hey, that's my shirt.
Spencer: No, this is my t-shirt.
Jess: No, that is my shirt. It has my name on it.
Winston: [seeing she's going to drop the TV] Don't drop it. Jess, don't... Don't drop... don't...
Cece: [climbing out of the car] Come on, everybody out now.

Jess: I haven't asked any of you to impregnate me.

Jess: A no-nail oath? You thought I was gonna sleep with one of you, like I just couldn't help it?
Nick: It was me, Jess. I couldn't help it.

Trillian: Let's go somewhere.
Arthur: Where did you have in mind?
Trillian: Madagascar.
Arthur: That new club on Dean Street?
Trillian: No, it's a country. Off the coast of Africa.

Bridget: [to King Gristle at dinner - being directed by Branch] Your eyes!... They're like, two pools, so deep, I fear, if I dive in, I might never come up for air... And your smile, the sun itself turns jealous and refuses to come out from behind the clouds, knowing, it cannot shine half as bright.

Jax: Um, I'd like to report that a missing item. My heart. It was stolen by that little heart thief right there.
[points to Jess]
Jess: I'm... I'm innocent. I didn't... I was framed.
Jax: I just want to say in front of God and all these people at this gorgeous party that I'm in love with you.
Jess: Mmm. no... Nah.
Jax: And I know it's early, but I think I met the girl that I'm gonna marry.
Jess: Wh-who?
Jax: I'm gonna marry you!
Jess: We are not on the same page.
Jax: I'm gonna marry you. I'm gonna put a baby in you. We're gonna have dogs and cats. I met my third wife!
[party guests applaud and cheer]

Nick: After he saw the movie Titanic, he started the Billy Zane fan club.
Jess: What?
Nick: Look it up. They're called the Zaniacs.
Jess: Why does that make me angrier than anything he's ever done?

Nick: Stop following me.
Jess: Then stop running away from me. I just want to have a mature conversation.
Nick: How can we have a mature conversation when you can't even say the word "penis"?
Jess: I can say the word "peen..."
Nick: Say it.
Jess: I... peernyas.
Nick: What?
Jess: Peernis.
Nick: You said "peernis."
Jess: [singsong] Penis.
Nick: Not singing.
Jess: [lowering the pitch of her voice] Penis.
Nick: Not like a ghoul.
Jess: [chuckling] I... I can say it! Pianist.
Nick: No, you said "pianist."
Jess: Enispay!
Nick: Not pig Latin.
Jess: Peernis.
Nick: Okay, not in Swedish.
Jess: Pemo.
Nick: Not in fake Italian.
Jess: [shrieking] Penis!
Winston: Shut up!
Nick: Say it with me. Pe...
Jess: Pe...
Nick: ...nis
Jess: ...neers.
Nick: Yeah, I'm the one that's immature.

Jess: No, I mean you're like aging ballerina, child chess prodigy, professional magician crazy.

Nick: Well, how long is she staying?
Jess: Oh, not long. I know she can be tough to deal with. Sometimes she just calls me up and she's like, "Bitch, I love you." And then she just hangs up. No other information.
Nick: Weird.
Jess: [with Cece's advice on her mind, she checks out another pair of shoppers' feet] But I don't know, I kind of like it when she calls me "bitch." It makes me feel like Janis Joplin.

Jess: $550 for the TV? Seems a little steep. I'm gonna write down a figure and this is as high as I'll go.
Pawn: You drew a smiley face.
Jess: I'm a teacher. Do it for the kids.
Pawn: For the kids, $550.
Jess: I can't go home without a TV. I thought pawn shops were about helping people, and frankly, right now I feel taken advantage of. And I just got out of a long relationship, and I don't know what I'm doing emotionally, or, let's be honest, sexually. I'll just... just get out of here.
[heading for the door, she makes several attempts to take the TV from its stand]
Pawn: Are you trying to rob me?

Jess: I'm so excited to meet him.
Nick: No, Jess, he's sleeping. He flew in late last night. We took him straight to the bar. He took a bunch of shots, got drunk, screamed "I love America", now he's happily passed out. Let's let him sleep.
Jess: Guess I'm not the new kid anymore. Just one of the guys.
Nick: You're still the new kid. Winston lived here before Coach did.
Jess: So, Coach said that they used to play basketball together in college, but then Winston went pro?
Schmidt: In Latvia, okay? He went... went pro in Latvia. It's a big difference. Well, the team logo is a fig. Just a... just one single fig.
Jess: Oh, you're jealous. That's so cute.

Jess: Nick, please talk to me.
Nick: Jess, there's nothing to talk about. You ruined my date. Every time I tried to take my clothes off, Jess, I heard your little...
[imitating her cackling laugh]
Nick: ...your little crazy giggle scream. And all I want to do is having meaningless sex with a beautiful woman who, yes, talks in mind-bending riddles. But I can't, because I can't get your little...
[imitating her laugh again]
Nick: ...out of my head.
Jess: Well, maybe you don't want to have meaningless sex. Maybe that's not your style.
Nick: I have a bing-bong and chickadees. It is my style.

Jess: I can't call Spencer. I haven't talked to him since he cheated on me with that ho. Actually, that's not fair. She might be a really nice ho. I just don't want to get in a big fight with Spencer. I want to be friends with him eventually.
Nick: Why do you want to be friends with your ex? I don't want to be friends with Caroline, and all she did was rip me open and tear out my heart with her perfect, perfect hands.
Jess: He has a power over me. It's like he's a wizard and I'm his mage, and... I think it's his hair. He has this, like, really beautiful hair, and whenever I see it, I get the whoo-whoos.
Nick: Oh, my god. I hate my life.

Jess: He's so soft, like a towel.

Nick: That is the ugliest dress I have ever seen, Jess.
Schmidt: I'm really gonna need you to step it up tonight, okay? When I see you, I want to be thinking "Who let the dirty slut out of the slut house?"
Jess: [adopting a Cockney accent] Probably the slut butler, right?

Jess: You have a date? Fun! I wanna talk to you guys about this stuff.
Schmidt: With Amanda.
Nick: Schmidt.
Jess: Amanda? From the bar? Whoa! She's a looker. Hatchie-matchie!
Nick: Yeah, I know how hot she is, Jess.
Jess: Have you been out with anyone since Caroline?
Nick: No.
Jess: Whoa! Big-deal alert. Scary stuff, kids. Yeesh! Falling rocks. Bridge out. Duck!
Nick: This is why I don't talk to you, Jess.

Nick: Hey, are you all right?
Jess: I'm sorry, I didn't get the TV.
Schmidt: What happened?
Jess: Ugh, I'm a terrible roommate.
Cece: I mean, seriously, you guys told her to call Spencer? That is not your job. That is my job.

Schmidt: [to Jess] I got it. You look like a zombie Woody Allen.
[imitating Woody Allen]
Schmidt: These brains are terrible. And such-such small portions.
Nick: [imitating Woody Allen] On Christmas, I like to eat Chinese people's brains. They're the only ones that are open.
Jess: [imitating Woody Allen] Zombie Cristina Barcelona.
Winston: Yeah, I have nothing to add to this.

Winston: We've got a problem.
Schmidt: What?
[seeing Nick and Caroline talking]
Schmidt: Jess, what did you do?
Jess: What? They're fine, they're just talking.
Winston: No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, with Caroline, he is not fine. Okay, he ran into her at a party two months ago, then sent me a ten-page e-mail about what she meant when she said "I'll see you soon."
Schmidt: She will flirt with him until she knows she can have him. It's like he's her backup plan.
Jess: I didn't know that.
Schmidt: You wanna live with Nick, when he's not showering and crying all day?
Winston: Yeah, he sounds like this.
[he pantomimes babbling sobbing]
Schmidt: You ever heard a grown man sob and listen to Simon and Garfunkel?
Jess: Yeah, my dad.
Schmidt: Yeah.
Jess: Okay, I get it. I'll go. But I just... these bicycle shorts are really tight.
Schmidt: Come on, work through it, woman.

Cece: Okay, do you hear what he is saying to you?
Jess: Yes, I hear what he's saying.
Cece: He's trying to tell you that he cares about you.
Jess: No! He doesn't care about me.
Cece: So I'm gonna make this happen for you.
Jess: He cares about me as a friend.
Cece: This is so on, Jess.
Jess: No, it is not.
Cece: [they start quasi-cat-fighting] Oh, it's on.
Jess: Oh, on it is not.
Cece: I'm trying to help you right...
Jess: No.
Cece: Okay, no, my face is my job. My face is my job. Okay.
Jess: No! No! My earring.
Cece: Okay.
Jess: It is stuck in your hair.

Nick: Hey, Jess.
Jess: That's my name! What's yours? Just kidding, I know what it is. It's Nick.

Schmidt: [re: Nick's penis] What did it look like?
Jess: What do you mean?
Schmidt: [spreading his hands] Just say when. Just... serious... seriously? Are you se... are you serious? Okay, you know what? This is impossible. I'm starting over.

Jess: Can you bring me, like, a bunch of Phillips-head screwdrivers and, like, a Crescent wrench and, like, other tool things?
Winston: What if I'm busy?
Jess: [laughs] Thank you, Winston. I really needed that.

Jess: Is it bad that I can't feel my legs?
Schmidt: Yes. Now let's talk about my problems. Jess, I have to go home with Brooke tonight. I deserve someone like Brooke. She's perfect, and it doesn't matter that I have gymnastic, mean-spirited, highly educational sex with Gretchen. It's just, that's not what I want to do anymore, okay? Not tonight.
Jess: What's so bad about liking Gretchen? I mean, you guys obviously have, like, a weird connection.
Schmidt: No, no, no, no. I want to connect with Brooke. I want to connect with her in the shower, on the floor...
Jess: Okay, you know what?
Schmidt: ...sitting Indian style.
Jess: You can keep talking, but I'm gonna put my hands over my ears.

Winston: I couldn't stop you from inviting Jax to the party, but I can stop it from going any further. I will not lose Jax as a friend, okay? I might not have any game, but oh my goodness, can I take game away.
Jess: I'm getting that mouth on my mouth, and don't you try to stop me, you...
Winston: Look, clearly I have the upper hand when it comes to Jax.
Jess: Do you?
Winston: Oh, I do, because I know all about sports. Jess, you know nothing about sports.
Jess: Oh, what am I going to do? I guess I'll just have to use my eyes, hair, boobs, legs, and adorable personality.
[chuckles]
Jess: Fool.
Winston: I got like three of those things.

Mary: Tell me some news about Springfield.
Bart: Well, they let Sideshow Bob out again.
[Sideshow Bob sneaks up behind Bart, brandishing a knife; he is hit by a train]
Bart: Huh. I didn't know they still ran those trains.

Cece: You laughed?
Jess: Yeah, I couldn't help it.
Cece: Did you freak out and make that noise that you always make?
Jess: What? I don't always make a noise.
[flashback; in the school lunch line as a teenager, she shrieks and giggles at a hot dog]
Jess: Fine. I guess I missed the moment when everybody got cool about sex. I really messed up.
Cece: Ah, guys are simple. You know what I would do? I would just make it even. You've seen his, show him yours.
Jess: No. I can't do that.

Nick: Okay, what are we watching?
Jess: I have some DVDs. Um, "Adventures in Babysitting". Uh, "Prancer", "Newsies", "Curly Sue".
Winston: [standing to leave] I'm going out.
Nick: Yeah.
Jess: Wait. Where are you guys going? These are heartwarming films.
[the front door closes; after a moment, Schmidt returns and sits down]
Schmidt: Oh. "Curly Sue". Let's do this.

Jess: Schmidt! Schmidt, I need you to help me get these off so I can go find Nick!
Brooke: God, are you friends with that girl?
Jess: Schmidt!
Schmidt: Okay, look, I... I didn't want to have to tell you this, but... she was a mistake I made when I hit rock bottom. It was like I was her Sid and she was my Nancy, and then I got sober and she couldn't deal with it, and the poor thing just went... she went crazy.
Jess: Schmidt, I need you to come help me slap my thighs around!
Schmidt: Look, I don't want to scare you, but she can be really dangerous when she drinks. Okay? I shouldn't even be in the same room with her, it's just... it feels so good talking to you.
Brooke: Maybe we should get you out of here.
Schmidt: What a great idea. Yes!
Brooke: I just have to go to the bathroom really quickly.
Schmidt: What-whatever you need. Whatever you... of course.

Jess: We're just friends.
Cece: You can't be friends with these guys. You don't think that every single one of them has thought about sleeping with you?
Jess: No. You just think everyone wants to sleep with everyone all the time.
Cece: They do. That's why I think that. Don't you hear how he says your name?
[imitating Nick]
Cece: Jess.
Jess: He's from Chicago. That's how people from Chicago say "Jess."
[with a Chicago accent]
Jess: Like "Bears" and "milk." And "let's go visit the Sears Tower."

Bridget: [at dinner disguised as Lady Glittersparkles] I can't believe I'm about to say this...
Biggie: [observing from inside her rainbow wig] Guys, she's going rogue!
Bridget: ...but, being here with you today, makes me realize that, true happiness is possible.
King: It is. True happiness, is a lot closer than you think... It's right here.
[holds hands over his gem-studded case containing Creek]

Jess: [high on her medication] You are a beautiful white man, Nick Miller.

Nick: Jess has absolutely lost her mind.
Jess: I have not lost my mind! I'm just scared.
Nick: Would you trust me? You're gonna be fine. You're gonna meet somebody and fall in love and then before you know it you're gonna
[makes popping sounds]
Jess: With who, Nick? Who's gonna lay a flag down on this sweet, sweet continent?
Schmidt: I'll man up. But I must warn you, Jess - I don't have sperms. I have tadpoles. Of the gods. And I'm gonna give 'em to you. You can have 'em all for all I care. That's how much I love you. I feel your pain in this situation. I want you to have babies. Take my sperms.
Winston: No. It should be me, Jess.
Jess: [baffled] What?
Winston: With your big, beautiful blue eyes and my Blair Underwood-like skin, we'd have the most beautiful baby the world has ever seen.
Schmidt: He's not wrong. It could get into any school it wants.
Jess: To be clear, I haven't asked any of you to impregnate me. I think it's important that's been said.
Nick: Good. 'Cause it's definitely not me.
Jess: Cause it's definitely not you.
Nick: I would love that little baby with all my heart. Even if I did show it by picking him up from school in my underwear and hitting on the crossing guard.

Jess: [after walking in on Nick naked] He's never gonna speak to me again. I'm so embarrassed.
Schmidt: Not a big deal. I've seen Nick's stuff, like, a million times.
Winston: You have? I mean... how?
Schmidt: We grew up together. Locker rooms, swimming pools, penis fights. It just happens.

Jess: Listen here, you idiot. I've known Cece a very long time, and I can promise you the smell will not be a problem.
Nick: That's really easy for you to say 'cause you're not the one who's gonna have to remind her to clean it all the time.
Jess: I promise you, if it becomes a problem, I will remind her.
Nick: Well, if you remind her and she doesn't do it, I don't want you sneaking around and cleaning it yourself.
Jess: [scoffs] Nick! I'm a good friend, but I am not that good of a friend.

Jen: But I picked up something for you on the way over here.
Dr. Frasier Crane: [She hands him a shopping bag] Really?
Jen: Mm-hm.
Dr. Frasier Crane: [He reaches in] Well... a bust of Freud. Well, that's really quite thoughtful of you.
Jen: I figured you'd appreciate the irony. Since he's been proven wrong about practically everything.
Dr. Frasier Crane: I like to think that Freud's theories will withstand the test of time.
Jen: Really? Have you read either of his books?
Dr. Frasier Crane: Excuse me, young lady...
Jen: Uh-oh, here comes the lecture.
Dr. Frasier Crane: Yes, for once you are right, for a disquisition is indeed at hand. And may I suggest you roll your eyes back into the forward position, as I may actually employ some visual aids. Now, our story begins with a young Greek woman of the name Clytemnestra...
Roz: Look, everybody, Kenny's here!

Arthur: Just wait a sodding minute! You want a question that goes with the answer for 42? Well, how about what's six times seven? Or how many Vogons does it take to change a lightbulb? Here's one! How many roads must a man walk down?
Lunkwill: Hey, that's not bad!
Arthur: Fine. Fine, take it. Because my head is filled with questions and I can assure you no answer to any one of them has ever brought me one iota of happiness. Except for one. The one. The only question I've ever wanted an answer to - is she the one? The answer bloody well isn't forty-two, it's yes. Undoubtedly, unequivocally, unabashedly yes. And for one week, one week in my sad little blip of an existence, it made me happy.
Trillian: That's a good answer...
Lunkwill: Rubbish, we don't want to be happy, we want to be famous!
Fook: Yeah! What is all this "is she the one" tripe?
Lunkwill: Take his brain!

Schmidt: Jess, what happened with Brooke?
Jess: What?
Schmidt: She just left here in tears because she said that you threatened her with a knife?
Jess: No! I was talking you up.
Schmidt: No, you shouldn't have been talking me up. You should have been taking care of Nick. Why is it so hard to do one thing?
Jess: How is this my fault?
Schmidt: Ruiner.
Jess: Did you just call me a ruiner?
Schmidt: Yeah.
Jess: Okay, you know what? Forget it. I'm not helping you guys anymore. Give me my teeth back.
Nick: Stop it.
Jess: [searching his pocket] You don't appreciate them.
Nick: Cool it!
Jess: [taking them and putting them in] Give them back. I'm gonna have fun, 'cause there's nothing wrong with who I am, and I like having fun at weddings. And I like dancing. And if you don't like that, then tough tater tots, tooter.
[storming off]
Jess: Jess is back!

Schmidt: What happened after you walked in?
Jess: I don't know. I kind of laughed.
Schmidt: Jess, you can't laugh at a naked man, and especially Nick. Nick is delicate. Like a flower. Like a chubby, damaged flower who hates himself. Now, listen to me. You're gonna act like this never happened.
Jess: We live together. We're a family. Families talk about things.
Schmidt: No. Families ignore things until they go away.
[flashback to himself as a kid]
Schmidt: No wants to talk about their feelings, Jess. Never talk about this again.
Jess: Okay. I'll ignore it.
[singing]
Jess: Not gonna talk about it...
Schmidt: Or sing about it.
Jess: The bing-bong. I'm done.

Schmidt: I'll be, like, your guide.
Jessica: Like Gandalf... through Middle Earth?
Schmidt: Probably not like... okay... first off let's take the Lord of the Rings references and put them in a deep, dark cave where no one's going to find them.
Jessica: Except Sméagol...
[whispers]
Jessica: He lives in a cave.

Nick: My life's filled with regret.
Jessica: You know, you can't just pretend like it didn't happen.
Nick: Or I could pretend to be more like you, Jess and live on a sparkly rainbow and drive a unicorn around and just sing all the time.
Jessica: Yeah, I think you should sing all the time.
Nick: No, I was being mean. I'm not gonna do that.
Jessica: Why not? It's fun.
Nick: Because I have a penis.

Nick: [doing an exercise at the Indian convention] Jess, you liked kissing me. It's fine to say that.
Jess: No, I didn't.
Nick: I'm not on my knee asking you to marry me; it was a nice kiss.
Jess: You were like a dog and my mouth was like a bowl full of dog... milk!
Nick: It was like a damn fairytale, that kiss! It was the kiss of your life!
Jess: Are you serious, Nick?
Nick: And you have to take a little responsibility, tarting around in that little soft pink robe, not expecting to get kissed.
Jess: Tarting around?
Nick: I'm a man, Jessica! Pink robes are my catnip.
Anu: And we have a winning couple!
Jess,26688: We are not a couple!

Jess: I got your text. Are you ready to go home?
Cece: Ohh, thank you for coming. Jess, he was making out with another girl.
Jess: You... get away from here.
Gavin: Okay, are you, Ms. Pajama, okay? You're blocking my booth. Get out of here!
Cece: Don't talk to her like that, okay? That is my best friend!
Gavin: [she rips open his shirt] You ripped my deep V! This is my favorite deep V!
Jess: [leading Cece away] It's just a deeper V.

Allison: The world's a playground. You know that when you are a kid, but somewhere along the way everyone forgets it.

Schmidt: I'm meeting a girl for drinks tonight, and I'm probably gonna bring her back here for sex.
Jess: [sensing the conversation's awkward turn] I have to get to school, 'cause it's astronomy day and I'm dressing up like Galileo, so I have to put on my beard.

Jess: How many ears did Daniel Boone have? He had a left ear, a right ear, and a
[suddenly musical]
Jess: Front-ier!
[she and Nick both chuckle]
Jess: Frontier. Get it?
Nick: You don't get to speak at my funeral.

Nick: All right, so what happened?
Jess: Ugh. He needed a ride to the airport.
Nick: What?
Jess: For his new girlfriend.
Nick: Are you kidding me?
Schmidt: Are you serious?
Cece: You didn't tell me that.
Jess: I'm supposed to pick her up next Sunday.
Nick: Oh, my god, Jess.

Allison: [singing on stage] I shoulda been the one to break up with you. / He said who are you, who are you? / I wanna snap your neck and spit on you. / He said who are you, who are you?

Jess: Ooh. Scary movie. I hate scary movies. Why are we watching this?
Nick: We're not watching, this Jess.
[indicating himself, Winston, and Schmidt]
Nick: *We're* watching it.
Jess: [squeezing herself onto the couch between Nick and Schmidt] So fun, hanging with the dudes, eating ice cream, watching scary movies.
[imitating Nick]
Jess: "We're not scared. We're dudes."
Winston: Shh!
Jess: You know what we should watch? Have you guys ever seen "Fame"? It's about a group of dreamers with talent to spare, taking New York City by storm, one dance number at a time. The cafeteria, the street... oh! Ooh! That's so much blood. It's spurting!
[taking a bite of ice cream]
Jess: Mm, that was good. That guy's gonna blow himself up. Wah, wah.
Nick: Why would that guy blow himself up?
[sound of an explosion]
Jess: [seeing Nick's look] Sorry. I saw it in the theater. You know what else we should watch? "An American Tale." It's about a little Jewish mouse with a great big heart and a...
Nick: [the guys all get up to leave] All right.
Jess: Wait. Where are you guys going?

Jess: Love is never what you think it's gonna be, is it?
Nick: No, it isn't.

Steve: [to Dream Girl] I just realized I don't know your name.
Dream: I could tell you my name, but would my name tell you that I'm incapable of seeing the color orange? I just have to trust people who give me these. Or that I think mustaches are t-shirts for lips? Or that I wear ice skates to weddings? It's hard to dance, but that's just the type of person I am.

Cece: Thanks for picking me up, Jess. I really felt that Gavin was different. Didn't you feel like he was different?
Jess: Yeah. I mean, he seemed like a really nice European DJ with a face tattoo.

Arthur: Let's go somewhere.
Trillian: Definitely. Where'd you have in mind?
Ford: I know this great restaurant at the end of the universe.

Marvin: I think you ought to know I'm feeling very depressed.
Trillian: Well, we have something that may take your mind off it.
Marvin: It won't work, I have an exceptionally large mind.
Trillian: Yeah, we know.

Jess: Schmidt! Hey! My best friend? You Long Island street trash!
Schmidt: Dammit, Nick! You told her?
Jess: No he didn't tell me! I-I happened upon it!
Schmidt: Oh, you happened upon it? Where, in the town square?
Nick: Jess, I swear I never wanted to be involved in this. You're so pretty.
Jess: Put your freaking visor down.
[turns to Schmidt]
Jess: Now you will tell Cece or I will, you... you crumb bum!
Schmidt: Jess...
Jess: You crumb bum!
Schmidt: Yes, well said.

Nick: [buying roses for Jess] What do you mean no? Here, take some roses.
Jess: [recoiling] No.
Nick: You want 'em? It's two dollars. It's not a big deal.
Jess: I want them to go, no.
Nick: They're nice roses.
[she gets out of the car]
Nick: Hey, what are you doing? Where are you going? Jess, it was a joke. What are you doing? Get back in the car.
[she starts running up the street]
Nick: Where are you going?
[she turns a corner]
Nick: That's not the way home.

Jess: What's wrong with me?
Nick: I figured it out. This guy's your kryptonite. You need to stand up, and you need to fight him.
Jess: I tried to fight him, but I can't, 'cause I'm powerless.
Nick: 'Cause you're not ready to let him go. I think you know deep down, once you get your stuff back, you know, it's "over" over.
Cece: I can't believe I'm actually gonna say this, but... I agree with him.

Jess: I can't believe you didn't tell me he was hung over.
Nick: I totally told you he was hung over. I said he was drunk at the bar and now he's passed out.

Trillian: Marvin... you saved our lives!
Marvin: I know. Wretched, isn't it?

Allison: Are you stalking me?
Carl: No, I would never do that. Oh, by the way, the new furniture looks great from the yard.

Schmidt: Can I ask you something?
Jess: You want my help? Sure.
Schmidt: You consider me a sexy man, correct?
Jess: I don't know how to answer that question.

Jess: Nick, hey.
Nick: Hey.
Jess: So, that was weird, right?
Nick: I'm running out the door, Jess.
Jess: I think we should talk about it.
Nick: Talk about what?
Jess: About me seeing... your peen.
[British accent]
Jess: The peen what I saw.
[using her finger as a mustache, with a French accent]
Jess: Bonjour, le peen.
Nick: You're blocking the door.
Jess: Okay. Cool. Have fun on your date.
[indicating his junk]
Jess: Tell that guy to behave.

Jess: Come on in, honey. The water's fine.
Nick: Jess, you know I don't dance.
Jess: Oh, but you didn't know that I did this.
[pantomiming pulling a rope]
Jess: I'm mime-walking. I'm Mime-chael Jackson.

Winston: Are you okay?
Jess: Yeah, I'm fine.
Winston: Those guys were jerks. But I know they're glad you're around.
Jess: Really?
Winston: Yeah! They're not just gonna come out and say it, though. Especially Nick, you know, but they're all thinking it. Even me. Most of the time.

Jess: You have made love to a lot of forgetful women.
Schmidt: [taking a pair of stilettos] Oh, man. Look at these. Wow.
[she holds up a hair extension]
Schmidt: Oh, look at that. Rosh Hashanah, '06. Yeah, nothing orthodox about what we did that night.

Jess: [thinking Cece likes Nick] You know who's great? Cece.
Nick: One of our finest. Lovely woman.
Jess: And she has so much to offer.
Nick: [thinking about Cece's popcorn machine idea] Is that what this is about? She sends you to sell me on it?
Jess: No, Nick. She doesn't know I'm talking to you at all. Wait. You guys have talked about it?
Nick: All the time. But I thought she and I had come to a decision.
Jess: Which is?
Nick: It's not happening.
Jess: Well, why not?
Nick: 'Cause I'm not interested. And I know it's not cool to say, but... I don't like the way it would look.
Jess: People are gonna say what they're gonna say. They're not reasons not to go through with it.
Nick: Fine. You want to know my biggest concern? My biggest concern is the smell.
Jess: ...The smell?
Nick: The smell of it. Yeah, and it's not Cece's fault. I mean, they all smell. I've told her that.
Jess: You told Cece you think all women...
Nick: Don't make this a feminist thing...
Jess: It... I'm not making it a feminist thing.
Nick: How? They smell terrible. It's common knowledge.
Jess: I thought your biggest concern would be how it affected the people around you.
Nick: I mean, sure, a bunch of old drunks will grab at it...
Jess: But if your biggest concern is the smell, I'm sure that's highly manageable.
Nick: Yeah, I guess there's, like, special solvents and soaps. I-I haven't read up on it that much. You know, but you got to really get in there and scrub it out. It's disgusting. You know, 'cause of the daily wear and tear and... oil and grease just cooking in there. It's enough to make a man barf thinking about it. I mean, they get really hot.
Jess: I know what temperature it gets.
Nick: But if I'm being honest, you know, and I haven't talked to her about this, but I do have good memories associated with the smell. Ball games, the circus, hanging with my dad.

Allison: [riding on a motor scooter] Am I going too fast for you?
Carl: Nah. In fact, I think you should go faster. That way if we crash, at least I'll die. I just don't wanna be kept alive artificially.

Elaine: [to William] Your Dad was so proud of you. He knew you were a predominantly accelerated child.
Anita: What about me?
Elaine: You are rebellious and ungrateful of my love.

Jess: In the meantime, everyone just stay calm. I don't think the badger is actually rabid. He's just kind of a dick.

Winston: Oh, hey. How do I look?
Jess: Terrible.
Schmidt: N-Not for me.
Nick: Not great.
Coach: Like crap.
Jess: Go change.
Schmidt: I don't like any of it.
Winston: Wow. You guys are like rubbing alcohol. You sting me in the now, but you save me in the later.

Jake: [Jake stops a car, while in pursuit of a criminal] Stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop. NYPD. NYPD, I need to commandeer this vehicle.
Jess: It's a crossover!
[Jake looks at her in question]
Jess: It's a crossover SUV, and you can't have it.
Jake: I'm a cop, can you please get out of the car?
Jess: No, this Schmidt's mom's car, and I'm more scared of her than I am of some two-bit thug.
Jake: I'm not a thug, I'm police.
Jess: Okay, then name one law.
Jake: Don't kill people.
Jess: That's on me, I set the bar too low.
Jake: Look, can you please just get out?
Jess: Okay, you can drive, but I'm not getting out.
Jake: Right.
Jess: Also, I have the seat warmer on, I don't just have a really hot butt.

Jess: I'm gonna cry, too, and where am I supposed to cry? You can't monopolize the... bathroom crying space.

Jess: Schmidt is very fond of you.
Brooke: Um, look, I don't... I-I-I... I, uh, I don't even really know him that well, okay?
Jess: Oh. I'm just cutting off my underwear. You know.
[singsong]
Jess: Girl stuff.

Jess: Who is that?
Schmidt: It's Gretchen Nelson. She's a terrible person. We can't stand each other. At every wedding, we end up... we end up having sex.
[flashbacks to previous weddings]
Schmidt: I mean, look, the sex is amazing. She's coming over.
Nick: [leading Jess away] Hey, there are those people that we know.
Jess: Oh, what people?

Jess: I brake for birds. I rock a lot of polka dots. I have touched glitter in the last 24 hours. I spend my entire day talking to children. And I find it fundamentally strange that you're not a dessert person. That's just weird, and it freaks me out. And I'm sorry I don't talk like Murphy Brown. And I hate your pantsuit. I wish it had ribbons on it or something to make it just slightly cuter. And that doesn't mean I'm not smart and tough and strong.

Schmidt: Oh, there's Brooke.
Jess: Who's Brooke?
Nick: He's been into her since freshman year. She used to get drunk and pass out on our porch. It was like having a hot, alcoholic cat.
Schmidt: I'd always leave water out for her. Okay. Tonight just got real. She goes on top of the kill list.
Jess: Is that because you're gonna attempt to kill her by having sex with her?
Schmidt: More or less, yeah.
Jess: Oh, Schmidt, one day you're gonna kill the nicest girl.

Mary: Bart, if any girl wants to change you, let her, because you have a lot of problems. But mostly you're great.

Nick: [all three of the guys rushing into the restaurant] We're here, Jess. We're here. Here for the date. Date thing. Phew.
Jessica: You're all on a date?
Nick: Yeah. We're her boyfriends. We are reverse-Mormons. One man just isn't enough for her.

Anita: One day you'll be cool. Look under your bed, it'll set you free.

Jess: Look at my new boyfriend. So fancy in his big boy tie.
Nick: Jess, would you please stop?
Jess: Okay, what is it with Caroline? You're like a different person.
Nick: Just focus on getting through today, please.
Jess: Okay, Mr. Boy T. Friend.
Nick: What did I tell you?
Jess: Don't be myself.
Nick: Yes.
Jess: That's what I love about our relationship. You never let me be myself.

Jess: Winston, I'm so sorry. I ruined everything. You would have been such a good cop. You would have made someone really lucky to have you as a partner.
Winston: I always imagined I'd have a partner named Robertson.
Jess: That would have been perfect.
Winston: Yeah.
Jess: "Robertson, you're on the edge! You've gone too far!"
Winston: No, no, no. See, the thing about me and Robertson is that we're tight. You know, then I went ahead and slept with his wife.
Jess: Why would you do that?
Winston: I don't know why... I don't know why I would do that. The job really gets to you.

Jess: She has a boyfriend.
Nick: Yeah.
Jess: She shouldn't have been flirting with you all night. You can't be her backup plan. You have to let each other go. So, now you have to make a decision. "Am I gonna stay locked in a photo booth for the next hour, or am I gonna get out there, take my shoes off, and dance my face off?". Come on, it's up to you.

Nick: Jess, I've been telling you this for weeks, but you got to call Spencer and you got to get your stuff back. Unless, you know, unless you're scared.
Jess: No, I am not scared. It's just complicated. That stuff was... that stuff was ours, and... I miss them...
Schmidt: [distracting her] Jess, look, it's a ball.
Jess: Oh, a little b-ball, huh?
[dribbling]
Jess: I'm actually pretty good. I used to play with my mom.
[singing]
Jess: Defense, defense. Watch out for the defense. Sneaky, sneaky, wah-wah.
Nick: [seeing Winston's look] You get used to her.
Jess: Hey, Schmidt.
[trying to pass it to him, it instead smashes the TV]
Nick: Oh, come on.
Jess: [covering her face in embarrassment] Oh.
Winston: Wow.
Jess: Oh. My bad.

Winston: Why are you standing like that?
Jess: I always stand like this.
Winston: I've never seen you stand like that.

Jess: Nick kissed me!
Cece: What!
Jess: I've got to tell Sam. I can't tell Sam! I didn't even do anything wrong! Nick kissed *me*; I didn't even kiss him back! Okay, fine! I kissed him back! Is that what you want me to say?
Cece: I literally haven't said a word for, like, over an hour.
Jess: And now he won't even talk to me! 'Cause I saw him this morning and he just panicked moon-walked away from me.
Cece: He what?
Jess: He does that sometimes. And then... Ha! Nick just... He just... He just...
Cece: Kisses you.
Jess: Stupid Nick Miller!
Cece: How was it? Was it...?
Jess: I was like Scarlett O'Hara in my freaking curtain dress.
Cece: Yeah, but *how* did he do it?
Jess: He just, like, grabbed me. And he just took me. I mean, he was a man and I was a woman. It was firm, but tender.
Cece: Damn.
Jess: Yeah I saw through space and time for a minute but that's not the point!

Steve: [to Dream Girl] What are you doing here?
Dream: I'm traveling cross-country taking Polaroid pictures of people walking other people's dogs. It's pretty hard to tell, but I didn't become an artist because it was easy.

Jess: I walked home. I got out of the car and I walked home.
Cece: Why, what happened?
Jess: His feet were pointed directly at me the whole time. Did I do this? Am I dressing too provocatively? Do I need to get thicker pajamas? Maybe it's my posture. I have really sexy posture.
Cece: You know what, don't worry about it. I will talk to him for you.
Jess: No! No, you won't. That would be the worst, most life-ruining thing you could possibly...
Cece: [Nick comes in] Hi, Nick.

Allison: [singing with her band] Don't call me past 11pm, it won't happen again. Happened once, it happened twice, it happened three times, maybe four times, maybe five times, maybe, maybe it happened six times, but it won't happen seven times.

Nick: [after introducing Jess to Caroline] Oh, my god. Was she jealous? I think she was jealous. You did so good. That was remarkable.
Jess: [wearing her fake teeth] I just done what my mama learnt me.
Nick: Give me the teeth.

Jess: I find it fundamentally strange that you're not a dessert person... it freaks me out!

Jess: Remy brought a bottle of... this.
Remy: I ferment things in my basement. I also make cheese.
Nick: You're not drinking that, Jess.
Jess: Yes, I am, Remy made it. Ahh..
Remy: Think you can handle some, Nick?
Nick: Oh, I'm okay. Somebody needs to stay sober to fight you later.

[to Arthur, shortly after they first meet]
Trillian: I want to go somewhere I've never been, and I'd like to go with you.

Allison: [singing with her band] Don't call me past 11 PM, it won't happen again. You can call me at 10:59 but don't call me at 11 because that's my rule now.

[first lines]
Jessica: So you know in horror movies when the girl's like: "Oh, my God, there's something in the basement. Let me just run down there in my underwear and see what's going on." And you're like, "What is your problem? Call the police." She's like, "Okay," but it's too late because she's getting murdered? Well, my story's kind of like that.

Nick: That man wants to sleep with you.
Jess: No, he doesn't.
Nick: Yes, he does.
Jess: He was showing me how to...
Nick: Okay, anytime a man shows a woman how to do something from behind, it's just an excuse for him to get really close and breathe on her neck. Watch any sports movie.
Jess: That is not a thing.
Nick: You mind picking up that mug?
[Jess picks up the mug]
Nick: No no, you're doing it all wrong.
[Nick stands behind Jess and picks up the mug with her]
Nick: Here, let me show you. No, no, no. I've been doing this for years. See, the way to pick up a mug is like THAT. You just got to relax into it.
Jess: [Jess steps away] He wasn't doing that.
Nick: It's exactly what he was doing.

Jess: I can't believe I got all my stuff back.
Nick: You did, but most of it's broken.
Jess: Yeah, it's broken, but... I don't know. It's mine.
Nick: Yeah, but it's broken.

Jess: Nick, your girlfriend said she's not a dessert person!

Nick: [Nick walks in to see Jess packing kitchen appliances into a garbage bag] Whoa, whoa, Jess! What are you doing? That's my ketchup collection.
Jess: This fertility website says I need to get rid of anything with toxins.
Nick: Did you put the microwave in the trash?
Jess: Yes.
Nick: Why would you do that?
Jess: Microwaves zap things!
[they argue]
Nick: It's what makes burritos delicious!
Jess: You care about your burritos more than my children, Nick?
Nick: You're puttin' me in a tough spot.

Nick: I'm going to the drugstore. You need anything?
Cece: Yes. Jess, you should go with him, 'cause then you can get that thing that you really need.
Nick: Oh, I wonder what it is.
Cece: She'll be right out.
[shutting the door on him]
Cece: Just...
Jess: [seeing her look] No. No! No, you are not coming in here and ruining all this. I'm happy. I like these guys, and I think they're actually starting to like me, too.
Cece: Who did you tell me was your perfect man?
Jess: Walter Matthau in "Grumpy Old Men." And I could be girl Jack Lemmon.
Cece: He's a total Matthau! I'm telling you, he gets you. And did you see his feet? A guy's feet point at what they want. His feet were pointing right at you.
Jess: Why wouldn't his feet point at me? Otherwise, he's standing like a duck.

Jess: I'm sorry that Cece did this to you.
Schmidt: Ah, it's okay. I'm used to it. I guess I'll just always be the fat kid with the big dreams.
Jess: It's not you. I love Cece, but she's not ready for you. You're a good guy, you know, if you ignore everything that you do on purpose and concentrate on all the things that you do by accident.
Schmidt: Thank you.
Jess: She'd eat you up.
Schmidt: You really think she'd eat me up?
Jess: Yeah.
Schmidt: Like buffet-style? You know, all you can eat? 'Cause I got that prime rib, yo. Carving station, plates are warm, sneeze guard, kids eat for free.

Jess: I'm gonna go get my gym clothes on. I'm gonna put my push-up bra on. That's actually not a bra that pushes my breasts up, it's actually one I do push-ups in.

Jess: Fertilize me, Los Angeles!

Jess: So, when we do the chicken dance, I do it a little bit differently. I know that it usually goes...
[humming the music]
Jess: But instead of doing claps, I like to do a peck. 'Cause it's more realistic.
Nick: No chicken dance!

Jess: Do you have a tank top I could borrow? You look like you're about my size. It's just that I'm really low on clothes right now, 'cause I broke up with my boyfriend.
Schmidt: Oh, god.
Jess: I caught him cheating, and I just, like, grabbed whatever I could, and...
Schmidt: Jess, you know what? I'll let you check my lost and found. It's where I keep all the stuff that girls leave behind in my room after we fornicate.
[Winston pinches the bridge of his nose]
Schmidt: [leaving with Jess] Got sizes zero through ten.
Winston: What have you done to me, Nick?
Nick: I am so happy you're back.

Jess: We're lost. Why did you let me chase a waterfall? You KNOW what TLC says.

Jess: I'm sorry, you guys.
Nick: That was my TV, Jess.
Jess: It's kind of all he had.
Jess: I'll get you a new one. I just can't afford it right now.
Nick: If you don't mind me asking, what's the plan?
Winston: You don't know me like that, but I need a TV.
Nick: Do you have a TV at Spencer's?
Jess: Yeah, I do, it's just really big and thin and bright.
Winston: Go get it.
Nick: Go get it.

Jess: Long-shafted... drive drill? New nut... wrench?
Nick: Our old one was bad.
Jess: Quick hardening... caulk?
Nick: I've been waiting forever for that caulk to harden.
Jess: Lube for... drill shaft?
Nick: Can we also get a box of gummy sharks?

Cece: What is wrong with you? I'm trying to help you here.
Jess: No. I don't need your help. You don't know. Nick and I are friends. You don't know 'cause you don't have guy friends at all. You just hang out with jerks like Gavin. Oh, I'm sorry, DJ Diabeat it.
Cece: He has diabetes.
Jess: Oh, he does? Boo-hoo.
[seeing her reaction]
Jess: I'm sorry. Is it really bad? I feel really bad.
Cece: Oh, he's fine. He takes medication.
Jess: Why do you just come in and you take over? It's like you're playing mind games with people.
Cece: Okay, don't put this on me, Jess. Okay, I'm trying to help you. You never make a move...
Jess: Well, I don't need your help. I like moving slow. I like being weird and taking my time. I'm not like you. I don't just jump in the potato sack with the first potato that I meet with diabetes.
Cece: Okay, what did you just say?
Jess: You heard me, bitch.

Jess: Did you ever go to one of those big Wallingford family cookouts ?
Robby: Just one, in '92. I remember they had a really competitive three-legged race, and they paired me up with a little boy who had a helmet on. His skin was so translucent, it was like he was a jellyfish .
Jess: Did he play an imaginary trombone?
Robby: Yeah. He kept saying "It's better to be safe than speedy."
Jess: That was me!
Robby: Oh my god!
Jess: That was me. Oh, this is too much! I don't want to die with my cousin-lover in a cave.
Robby: Oh, God!
Jess: Everyone will think we fled here 'cause society wouldn't accept us.

Jess: [to Nick] I brought something from school that reminds me of you.
[pulls out a stick]
Jess: It's a feeling stick. Whoever is holding the feeling stick has permission to say whatever he or she is feeling without being judged. I'll go first. Um, I feel like I want to know what you're feeling.
Nick: [walks over and breaks the stick]
Jess: Believe it or not, that is not the first time someone has broken my feeling stick.
[pulls out another stick]
Jess: I have a travel size.

Schmidt: [seeing Jess in her dress for the wedding] Who let the dirty slut out of the slut house?
Nick: Wow. You look great.
Jess: [wearing fake plastic teeth] Let's go knock biscuits, brother-cousins.
Schmidt: No!
Nick: No teeth, Jess. You can't use prop teeth.
Jess: Come on, guys. These are hilarious. Kids love these.

Jess: I'm gonna cancel my plans with Cece. I'll find out about her date with Paul later.
Schmidt: A ridiculous name. Oh, hey, my name is Puh-ha... Pau... I don't even know how to pronounce that.
Winston: It's Paul.

Jess: Are you really comparing a zombie novel to my ability to create life?
Nick: I'm a writer, Jess. We create life.

Jess: Have you ever seen sex from above, Cece? It's horrible. That's why God thinks it's a sin.

Jess: Nick, I never thought I'd say this, but I need to be alone with Prince.

Jess: I can't believe this is happening. Thanks a lot, New York. You know what, if your city's so great, then how come it's not the state capital?
Jake: What? Who cares about the state's capital? This is the concrete jungle where dreams are made of. That doesn't sound right - "where dreams are made of"?
Jess: I don't know, you tell me. It's your dumb city.
Jake: It's grammatically odd. Whatever, I'm sure wherever you're from has strange songs written about it, too.
Jess: Los Angeles?
Jake: Damn it, all the songs there are so good.

Jess: I wanna give my nipples a purpose!

Jess: Something's happened. It was totally an accident. Not a big deal. I just want to do the mature thing and come clean about it. But, um...
[muttering]
Jess: I accidentally saw Nick's pee-pee.
Schmidt: What?
Winston: What did she say?
Jess: [clearly] I accidentally saw Nick's pee-pee and his bubbles.

Jess: Nick, are you okay?
Nick: No, I'm not okay, Jess! I'm not okay! When I woke up today, I wanted to play a friendly game of touch football. Then I hurt my back, I went to your gynechologist, and now I might have cancer! So no, Jess! I'm not okay!
[sits down alone and sighs]
Schmidt: I don't think this is the right time to bring this up, you guys, but... does anyone else think Nick could stand to lose five to seven pounds?

Spencer: You live with these people, Jess? Seriously? You can stay here until you find a better place to live.
Nick: You know what? I don't like you, stretch. I don't like anything about you, and I'm not afraid to...
Jess: I got this. I've got a place to live, Spence. It's over. I spent six years trying to figure you out. All you are is a guy with really beautiful hair. I'm happy you cheated on me. Thank you. Because if you hadn't, I would have married you. And then you would have hurt me all over again. And yeah, I was scared to start over. I didn't know what to do. And yeah, I'm living with three guys I met on the Internet. And yeah, stranger danger is real. But I love these guys. I barely know them, I just met him, but I love them.
Nick: I would just take it easy with the love stuff.
Schmidt: Come on, the love stuff.
Jess: All of them.

Jess: [with a handful of her stuff, including the TV] I got it! It's really heavy, but I got it!
Schmidt: Oh, my god, we created a monster.
Nick: She looks like Helena Bonham Carter.
Winston: [seeing her struggle with the TV] Oh, god, she's gonna drop... Jess... soft hands, Jess.

Jess: I have something from school that, um, made me think of you.
[taking various items out of her purse]
Jess: It's a feeling stick. Whoever's holding the feeling stick has permission to say whatever he or she is feeling without being judged. I'll go first. Um... I feel like I want to know what you're feeling.
[taking the stick, Nick snaps it in half]
Jess: Believe it or not, that's not the first time someone's broken my feeling stick.
[taking out another one that's slightly smaller]
Jess: I have a travel size.

Jess: You always see the worst in people.
Nick: Yeah, because people are the worst.

Anita: All the kids make fun of him. They call him the Narc behind his back.
Elaine: What's a narc?
Anita: It's a narcotics officer.
Elaine: Well, what's wrong with THAT?

Jess: The Batmobile doesn't have this many buttons!

Nick: Jess, are you okay?
Jess: No! This is the worst thing to ever happen to me. I've lived a very fortunate life!

Nick: You're a freaking gold digger, Jess!
Jess: Do you think that if I were a gold digger, I'd be interested in you? I would be the worst gold digger in the world!

Zaphod: Why so edgy, baby doll? Relax.
Trillian: Why so edgy? You wanna know why I'm edgy?
[fires Point-Of View gun at Zaphod]
Zaphod: [from Trillian's view] Of course you're edgy. Your planet's been blown up and you've been tooling round the galaxy with the guy who signed the order. You actually wanted to know the question because you always wondered if there was more to life and now you're crushed because you find out there really isn't.
Zaphod: [from Zaphod's view] Hey, fantastic. Psychedelic.
Zaphod: [from Trillian's view] You have no home and no family and now you're stuck with me, another in a long line of men who doesn't really get you.
Zaphod: [from Zaphod's view] That's not true.
Zaphod: [from Trillian's view] And you're worried that you might have blown it with the one guy who really does.
Zaphod: Oh, baby doll. Give me that thing.
[takes Point-Of-View gun off Trillian and aims it at her]
Trillian: It won't affect me. I'm already a woman.

Jess: It was weird when I was stuck in a freak sandwich between you and that eight-year-old. Do you wanna talk about that?
Winston: You know, it's just that he got to be a bit annoying, so... I kind of took my feelings out with dance?

Spencer: You know, I thought we were gonna handle this like adults, Jess.
Jess: Yeah, well, I thought you were the love of my life, so... suck it, Mr. Crabs.

Nick: We live in a world with rules. We knock. We have doors. And we knock on those doors.
Jess: I'm sorry, Nick.
Nick: Just knock!
Jess: [picking up the feeling stick] Nick... I...
Nick: Put that down.
Jess: But we have to talk.
Nick: Nothing to talk about.
Winston: [taking the stick] I feel that Nick is not honoring the feeling stick.
Schmidt: [taking it] I feel me, too.
Winston: [taking it back] I feel Schmidt's had a particularly bad day, and I feel that if Nick is truly Schmidt's friend, he would show Schmidt what's in his pants.
Schmidt: [taking it back] I feel supported.
Nick: What is going on with you two? What are you doing?
Winston: [taking the stick] I feel Nick is yelling.
Nick: Stop it!

Jess: Guys, we are in this together. We're just gonna have to find a house ourselves. I need a project now that my table's almost done. I'll be your real estate agent. I've already found like 5 open houses today. Like, this one is a fixer upper, but don't judge a house by its smoke damage.
Cece: Okay, babe, but this was a crime scene.
Jess: Yeah, but that was months ago, and it was a drug thing, so there are no ghosts.
Schmidt: That's not how ghosts work.
Jess: This is in your price range, and it's like 5 minutes from the loft. I really think this is the best investment for our money right now.

Jess: Nick, we have to talk about this.
Nick: [she follows him onto the elevator] What are you doing?
Jess: I'm sorry I saw your doojer and your chickadees. And I didn't mean to laugh. I just...
Nick: Then why did you laugh? Is there something... funny about it?
Jess: No! It's beautiful. Stately. A real treat.
Nick: Oh, my god.
[another tenant gets on]
Jess: [whispering] I think it's great you dance naked to Jamaican music. That's really cool. You should explore your sexuality.
[the other tenant gets off]
Jess: Nick?
Nick: [moving her out of the way] Excuse me.
Jess: [following him off] Come on, Nick. I dance naked all the time. We have to talk about this.
[he hurries back on, and the doors close in her face]
Jess: Ugh! Nick!

Jess: Alright, so, so far, Nick Miller's list of fears is sharks, tap water, real relationships.
Nick: And blueberries.

Jess: [driving to Spencer's] What am I gonna say?
Nick: "Hey, Spencer, give me my TV back."
Jess: [trying it out] Hi, Spencer. Give me my TV back, buddy.
Nick: Hey, no "buddy". How about "jerk" or "idiot"?
Jess: Mr. Crabs.
Winston: Mr. Crabs could work.

Allison: Have you met my friend Ian? He's a computer hacker. He helped me erase your MySpace page, and your band's MySpace page, and your FaceBook page. Happy networking, asshole!

Jess: Hi, Nicholas.
Nick: Hey, Jess. I live in a photo booth now.
Jess: Oh, is that so?
Nick: Yep. Come on in, come on in. That's the kitchen area.
Jess: Very nice.
Nick: This is the common area.
Jess: Uh-huh.
Nick: Dining room, living room, kind of everything.

Schmidt: I don't wanna hear, "Schmidt, Schmidt, you're using too much tarragon," because I'm not.
Jess: You will never hear that from me.

Steve: I'm Steve. I'm the kind of guy who drives cross-country to take his friend to his old man's funeral, then gives it all up when he finds his manic, pixie dream girl along the way.
Dream: Wait a minute. You blew off your grieving friend to hang out in a hot tub with a complete stranger?
Steve: No. No, you don't understand. I helped him get in touch with his sadness. I'm the only reason he even went to the funeral.
Dream: Oh, I just figured you out. You're an emotional tourist.
Steve: A what?
Dream: You're the kind of person who feeds off other's experiences to fill the void inside of you. An emotional tourist. And I'm sorry, but that's not the trip I packed for.

[Nick suddenly realizes Jess' doctor is an OB-GYN]
Nick: I don't have a vagina.
Sweet: You can have mine.
Jess: I heard that, sistah.
Sweet: True dat.

King: And what might your name be?
Bridget: Uhh...
Biggie: Lady!
Guy: Glitter!
Smidge: Sparkles!
Branch: Seriously?
Bridget: Lady Glitter Sparkles Seriously.

Trillian: Who are you?
Arthur: Er, Dent, Arthur Dent.
Trillian: No, I mean *who* are you?
Arthur: Oh, the costume. Er, Livingston I presume. Yeah. Not as good as Darwin I know but the best I could manage at short notice.
Trillian: You're the first person whose gotten that right. Everyone keeps calling me Santa.
Arthur: Really?
Trillian: Yeah, and I thought the beagle made it a dead giveaway.
Arthur: Well, I suppose most of the people who come to these parties are idiots.
Trillian: What?
[the record player is bumped, the music stops]
Arthur: I said all these people are idiots!
[everyone stares at him]
Arthur: Oh god...

Arthur: [sarcastically] Normality? Right, we can talk about normality until the cows come home.
Ford: [thoughtfully] What is normal?
Trillian: [wistfully] What is home?
Zaphod: [cluelessly] What're cows?

Bridget: I can't believe something like that would just happen? And it just DID! I'm so happy I could just scream! Aaaaah aaah.
Poppy: I could scream too! Creek is alive!
Poppy,205433: [scream happily]
Branch: [screams hoarsely]
Cooper: *That's* your happy shout?
Branch: It's been a while.