Top 800 Quotes From NCIS: Naval Criminal Investigative Service

Clayton: Fancy a drive, Ellie?
Ellie: Only if I'm driving.
[to Abby]
Ellie: He has trouble staying out of the left side of the road.
Clayton: It was one time.
Ellie: [whispering to Abby as they leave] More than once.
Clayton: It was one time, Ellie.

Leon: I would like to ride with you on this as a member of your team.
Special: Yeah, sure director. Done.
Leon: I was expecting to go 12 rounds on this. What's the catch?

[last lines]
Leroy: How's your mom?
Alex: Uh, yeah. It's like she says, "if life is a bowl of cherries, why do I always get the pits?".
Leroy: Yeah, you know what? I never got that. You got a bowl of pits, it means you ate the cherries.
Alex: Yeah. Yeah, it just, uh... came on so quick. You know, she was good at hiding it, I was good at denying it.
Leroy: Hey, Quinn, it's okay to be scared.
Alex: Yeah, I know. I'm moving back in with her. How's that for scary?

Jimmy: Gibbs is going in for a checkup and his doctor told him to avoid caffeine for 72 hours.
Ellie: That seems unwise.
Anthony: That could kill him.
Jimmy: Or worse. The guy's scary enough when he's properly medicated. Imagine what he'd be like with caffeine withdrawal. I can only imagine someone taking away King Kong's bananas.
[He starts to chuckle, then notices everyone's looks, and realizes Gibbs is right behind him]
Jimmy: I am not going to turn around.
Leroy: Good idea.

Timothy: What do you and John talk about?
Molly: Stuff. Uh, mainly my husband and kids. He'll bring in leftover cookies from his care packages for them.
Nick: I'd hold off on eating the last batch.

Tobias: Gibbs would let me help.
Timothy: No he wouldn't.

Kasie: I tried being a field agent and it bit me.

Jimmy: I'm a medical examiner, I know people who find dead bodies.

Timothy: What about those buckets?
Ellie: When I said he "lived in his truck", it wasn't hyperbole. Our missing driver was not a fan of pit stops.
Timothy: Did you check them?
Ellie: Ha!
[realizes he's being serious]
Ellie: Mmm, for what?
Timothy: Contraband. It's the first place I'd hide something I didn't want found.
Ellie: [grimacing] Hmm... I wish that didn't make sense.

Tiffany: Because you don't have a warrant. This is private information. I know the legal system thinks of animals as property. But I don't. The dog this came out of has the same rights as you and me.
Timothy: It didn't come out of a dog. It came out of a person.
Anthony: Your product is being used in human trafficking.
Tiffany: Oh my goodness!

Leroy: What do we know?
Timothy: Well, my sweep of the decks turned up no sign of where Allston was hit in the head or where he went overboard.
Ellie: Torres is briefing Petty Officer Allston's next of kin.
Leroy: Background?
Timothy: Uh, Kendrick Allston, 24. Born and raised in Wheeling, West Virginia. Graduated top of his high school class before enlisting. Not a single blemish on his record.
Ellie: He was a rising star, rose from the rank of seaman recruit to first class petty officer in less than six years.
Timothy: Practically unheard of. Must have made a lot of friends.
Ellie: And at least one enemy.
Leroy: McGee, you're with me. Bishop, start interviewing the crew. Find out who had issues with Allston.
Timothy: Boss, what about Torres?
Leroy: Oh, he's got his hands full.

Kasie: I was just on my way up. Unless this is a bad time.
Leroy: What do you got?
Kasie: [handing over a folder] I got a whole heap of lies.

Nick: You believe that kid?
Jack: Uh, actually, Nick, I'd say you're the one acting like a child here.
Nick: Me? What did I do?
Jack: How about what you didn't do? Like read your mentees' essays.
Nick: Jack, I was busy working on the case.
Jack: Had you tried to get to know them, you would know that Max is the son of Ed Girard, one of the NCIS agents that was killed in the Navy Yard bombing six years ago. Max was here visiting his father that day. Only one of them made it out alive. He came here searching for closure, and he was treated like an inconvenience. You want me to choose sides, Nick? I'm on Max's.

Leroy: What do we know, Quinn?
Alex: Victim is Captain Paul Smith. 53, widowed, one child. Gulf War hero, and stationed here at the Navy Yard since May.
Leroy: Anything on the son?
Timothy: I'm still digging. Uh, so far I've got Ryan Smith, 27. Listed as employed by Kelb Technologies in Annandale.
Ellie: Whoa. Check out his date of birth; that's today.
Alex: Guy lost his dad on his birthday?
Ellie: Hey, Nick, do you know if he's told Jimmy that?
Nick: To be honest, I can't really hear much. Pretty noisy up here.
Leroy: McGee, we need to hear him.
Timothy: On it.

Tobias: Welcome to the club that no one wants to join

Ellie: Where wer you, the shooting range?
Anthony: Yes, on a date.

Kasie: This is why I don't ride bikes on streets. Streets are for cars. Just like the ocean is for sharks.

Delilah: [McGee turns on his old computer] Um, Tim, what is it doing?
Timothy: Oh. Looks like it's opening up an Internet Relay Chat.
Delilah: On its own? And IRC? Who uses that anymore?
[he receives a message reading "Hello, Timothy"]
Delilah: Timothy, why is your computer talking to you?

Jimmy: Breena took Victoria up to her aunt's house in Syracuse this week, so I am a swinging bachelor.
Abby: That explains it.
Jimmy: Explains what?
Abby: Your lack of swinging lately. You've been pouting for days.
Jimmy: Have I?
Abby: Yeah.
Jimmy: Huh. So much for my poker face.
Abby: I mean, it's understandable. You miss them when they're gone.
Jimmy: Yeah, especially this time of year.
Abby: Getting your midwinter blues?
Jimmy: It's not blues. It's just... blah. It's darker, it's colder, minor annoyances seem bigger. I start questioning everything from politics to "why did I these itchy socks today?".
Donald: Forgive me, Mr. Palmer, but I can't resist the urge to give you one of my all-time favorite pieces of advice. If you're going through hell, keep going.

[first lines]
Navy: Hey.
Erin: [gasping] God, I was so worried.
Navy: It's all right.
Erin: I thought you wouldn't come.
Navy: It's okay now. Everything's gonna be okay.

Mallory: I acted in self-defense. I'm telling you the truth, Leon.
Leon: Well, that's a first. Why were you following Clark? And don't say it's your job.

[during Donnie's going-away party]
Waiter: Phone call for you, sir.
Young: Hello...? Dr. Mallard, emergency telephone call for you.
Young: Hello, this is Dr. Mallard... how on earth did that happen? How should I know? I'm a doctor, not a veterinarian, Mother!
[Angus and Maggie laugh]
Young: Hello... hello?
[hangs up]
Young: Bloody Corgis got into the liquor cabinet again!

Ellie: [reading a card from Abby] "Roses are red/They go in a bucket/Jake is a jerk/He can go suck it." That's sweet.

Nick: Wait, what? Me date Bishop?
Nick: No no, she's not my type, like not at all.
Robbie: Oh, so you think our sister"s not good enough for you.

Timothy: Our records show that last week, you talked to an Edward Kane.
Mister: Mm... no. No, I didn't. Uh, in fact, I've never heard the name before.
Timothy: [showing him Kane's picture] So you don't know this guy?
Mister: No. Anything else?
Nick: You should pay more attention to your star pupils.

Alden: Scorched earth. Eliminate everyone so there's nobody left to investigate.

Ellie: Hey, any way to open this from the inside?
Leroy: Yeah, blowtorch.
Ellie: Yeah, well we should have brought one from home. What are you looking for?
Leroy: A blowtorch.

Leon: I know that look. What's on your mind, Jack?
Jack: Something I'm curious about. Before I transferred to HQ, who worked in my office?
Leon: It had been vacant for a few years.
Jack: Uh-huh. And before that?
Leon: Why do you want to know?
Jack: Just a hunch, that that look in your eye is confirming. It was Agent Girard, wasn't it?
Leon: Let it go, Jack.
Jack: That's not really my specialty, as you know, Leon.
Leon: Then I would suggest that you tread lightly.

Lieutenant: Yeah, you can't rid of me that easy

Special: What was inside him?
Donald: Well, as Mr. Palmer demonstrated earlier, it was metallic. Um, a container of some kind lodged in his sigmoid colon. It's a technique common among smugglers.
Special: What was he smuggling?
Donald: Well, time to find out. Mr. Palmer?
Jimmy: [opening the container and finding two small vials] It's botulinum.
Donald: What? That's one of the deadliest neurotoxins on the planet.
Jimmy: Where did he get this?
Donald: I'd be more concerned to find out what he was planning to do with it.

Timothy: [Gibbs hands McGee his watch] Boss, I think something borrowed is more for the bride.
Leroy: No, it's not borrowed. That's yours.
[Long pause]
Leroy: My mom gave it to my dad when they got married. It was right before he shipped out. My dad gave it to me on my wedding day. I only wear it on special occasions.
Timothy: You wore it tonight.
Leroy: Well, yeah. I had a feeling.
Timothy: Boss, you sure there's not someone else you'd rather give it to?
Leroy: Who better than you, Tim?
[McGee looks at the back of the watch,: "Breathe, Tim"]
Timothy: Thank you, boss.

Jimmy: [in the middle of talking with Ducky] Hey, you know how to end a FaceTime call.
Leroy: What's a FaceTime?

Leon: So, what do you think?
Jack: Well, it doesn't seem like a matter of opinion, Leon. Jimmy's autopsy reporter, Kasie's forensics report, the CIA independent investigation, they all say the same thing.
Leon: Mallory's story checks out.
Jack: Yeah, for once. But you didn't need me to tell you that, Leon, so what do you need?
Leon: Closure.
Jack: [understanding] Oh. Oh... you actually fell for this woman, huh? Cupid usually shoots arrows, but you're walking around with a harpoon in your chest, huh?
Leon: It's over. I know that, Jack.
Jack: Do you? The heart wants what the heart wants.
Leon: Could I have done something a little different?
Jack: [sympathetic] Oh... Leon, honey... this is not your fault.

Anthony: Boss, can you hear me?
Dr. Cyril Taft: Actually, that's my line. I think you're in my seat. Agent Gibbs, I am Doctor Taft. Welcome to the U.S.S. Daniel Webster's surgical ward, where the elite beat the desert heat, and cheat the occasional I.E.D.

Clyde: Get the hell out of here, Uncle Bob.
Bob: Calm down, Clyde. You don't have to cover for her anymore. Your baby brother's dead.
Clyde: Are you kidding me? You disrespect a dead man in his own home?
Bob: I'm not disrespecting him.
[pointing to Emma]
Bob: I'm disrespecting her.

[first lines of current episode]
Ellie: If you're trying to be stealth, a less pungent cologne would've been a better choice.
NSA: Nobody wears cologne anymore, Bishop. It's body spray. Mountain Musk, I think.
Ellie: Well, it's bold.
NSA: I'll accept bold.

Nick: Well, maybe I know a business man in DC who dabbles in smuggling.
Leroy: You find him - squeeze him?
Nick: Oh yeah, quite literally if I have to
Leroy: Good! McGee go with him. Hold the leash.
Nick: But not too tight, McGee. I don't really bite.
Timothy: Somehow I doubt that.

Timothy: ['talking' to his computer] Who is this?
[the reply reads "Someone who has the answers you seek"]
Delilah: Is this really creepy, or is it just me?
Timothy: No, it's not just you.
Delilah: Ask it what it wants.
Timothy: Okay.
Timothy: "What do you want?"
[the reply asks if he's alone]
Timothy: "No."
Delilah: [hitting him] Don't say that.
Timothy: What? Why?
Delilah: Because clearly, whoever that is wants you to be alone, so let them think you are alone.
Timothy: Okay, okay.
Timothy: "Yes. I'm alone."
[the reply reads "There is a package for you in the stairwell"]
Timothy: Go to the kids, now.
Delilah: Tim?
Timothy: Someone could be in the building. Call Gibbs. Actually, call 911, then call Gibbs.
Delilah: Be careful.

Leroy: You make these?
John: Listen, can you just tell me what's going on?
Leroy: Yes or no?
John: Yeah, they're my mother's recipe.
Leroy: The ones sent to Petty Officer Sweeney were laced with cyanide. It's got your name on the return address on the label. It's got your cookies inside, and two photographs of you.

Jimmy: Eventually his body gave out completely and there was nothing he could fondue.

Office: What are you people doing?
Special: [plain] Seizing your files.

Anthony: [on Gibbs] Doc, is he gonna be all right? How's it look?
Dr. Cyril Taft: He's lucky he has friends who care. He's luckier that I care.
[gently pushes Tony away]
Dr. Cyril Taft: Go, let us work.

[while Ducky and Bishop are examining Angus's computer, a young woman in her underwear emerges from his bedroom, sees them, chatters in a foreign language then flees out the door]
Ellie: [chasing after her] No wonder Angus and his wife were having problems...

Jimmy: Don't tell Gibbs.
Juan: Don't tell Gibbs. Don't tell Gibbs.

John: Nah, this is crazy. I don't know how poison could have gotten into one of my... how could poison get in one of my boxes?
Leroy: You tell me.
John: I have no idea!
Leroy: How well do you know your friends at the Legion Hall?
John: They're patriots, every single one of them. They're no way any of 'em could have done something like this.
Leroy: Anyone who could have put their cookies inside your box?
John: We all pack our own boxes. They're all personalized.

Ellie: So, you and White get along?
Chief: You guys are barking up the wrong tree, okay? I don't have any beef with...
Ellie: [a klaxon blares] What's that?
Leroy: It's the dive alarm.
Ellie: Uh, what? They're not supposed to dive with us on board.
Chief: Not unless it's an emergency, no.
Ellie: Oh. Mm. Okay. That's just great.
Chief: Well, whatever it is, we're going down fast.
Ellie: Gibbs...
Leroy: Bishop...
Ellie: Huh?
Leroy: It's fine.
Ellie: Mm-kay.
Leroy: Everything's gonna be fine.

Leroy: Petty Officer Second Class James Sweeney.
John: I-I never saw him before.
Leroy: Well, you sent him a box.
John: I get a list from the Navy every week. I mean, you know, I try, but my memory's not what it used to be.

Portland: I got locked out again.
Beverly: You literally wrote the password on your arm.

Ellie: Why don't you take Allison?
[DiNozzo looks confused]
Ellie: Allison, from Tech Services...
[Dinozzo is still confused]
Ellie: who you went out with last week.
Anthony: Oh! Well, that didn't compute.
Ellie: That's like the 6th woman you've dated this month.
Timothy: Yeah, that's a record, even for you
Anthony: I'm back baby.

Breena: You need to move right now so I know you're alive. Open your eyes.

Anthony: [voice over] I am an NCIS Special Agent. My duty is to serve and protect the United States, and our Navy and Marine Corps across global boundaries. I recognize my badge as a symbol of authority and public trust. I will live my life above reproach, understanding my actions reflect upon my fellow Special Agents, and our agency.

Ryan: I never questioned whether he loved me, I just... I wasn't sure whether he knew how much I loved him back.
Jimmy: Oh, no, I am sure he did, Ryan.
Ryan: No, I mean, we fought too much. Right up until today. All he wanted was to take me out for my birthday, and... when he found out I'd been laid off, he blew his top. Damn near caused an accident, he was so angry. So pissed off, he cut off a whole mess of cars in an intersection.
Leroy: [listening in the squad room] Intersection?
Timothy: What intersection?
Leroy: Where? Palmer. Ask him where. What intersection?
Ellie: Uh, Gibbs, it's a one-way speaker.
Jimmy: What intersection?
Ryan: It was, uh... it was around Raymere and Holt.
Alex: How does he do that?

Leon: SECNAV. She's taken an interest in the Collins case.
Leroy: We're...
Leroy: Working on it.
Leon: I got that. But now we're dealing with two dead sailors and drug smuggling on board a U.S. Navy ship. SECNAV wants answers.
Leroy: Petty Officer Baxter was with Trainer the night she was killed. My gut says he's not our guy.
Leon: Well, if he's telling the truth about her being coerced into stealing the drugs, then someone was pulling her strings. SECNAV has offered the resources of her office to expedite this investigation. Whatever you need.
Leroy: Good. I need a favor.
Leon: Well, that didn't take long. What exactly did you have in mind?

Whit: All right, you see this, folks? See this? NCIS chumming it up with John Ross, the real murderer. Yeah, this thug attacks me. Typical tyrannical government. And I have to...
[Gibbs grabs his phone]
Whit: Wh... hey. Whoa, I'm the victim here.
Timothy: [Gibbs hands the phone to him] Yeah.
Leroy: [grabbing Dexter and leading him out] Got something to say? Come on, let's make a statement.

Orli: Actually, I'm here for a much more important reason, something far more personal.
[to Mossad Agent standing at Vance's door]
Orli: Bring in Tali.
Leon: Wasn't that Ziva's sister?
Orli: Her namesake, yes.
Anthony: Whose namesake?
Orli: You may have heard there was one survivor pulled from the farmhouse. Her room was in a corridor not destroyed by the fire.
[a female Mossad agent enters Vance's office, leading a toddler by the hand]
Orli: Tali is Ziva's daughter... and your daughter, Tony.

Timothy: Boss, how'd you even know that was the Rosewood Boyz?
Leroy: The bike tipped me off.
Alex: How'd you know which bike?
Leroy: The one with the big rose painted on the side.

Leroy: I'll be in the basement. If you want to join me, Doc.
Dr. Grace Confalone: Basement... interesting. What's down there?
Leroy: Sawdust. Bottle of bourbon.
Dr. Grace Confalone: Ooh. That sounds good.

Young: If you're going through hell, you keep going.
Young: Winston Churchill, who wears a bow tie by the way.
Young: Get stuffed. I'd rather have a noose around my neck.

Leroy: What do we got?
Timothy: Blunt-force trauma.
Jimmy: He was definintely struck in the back of the head.
Leroy: By what?
Timothy: Well, that's the weird part.
Jimmy: You see these five indentations around the wound? They are all the exact same depth and diameter.
Leroy: Get to the weird part.
Jimmy: Well, I've only seen an injury like this one other place. It was in a medical textbook where the victim was killed by a, uh... well, he was killed by a medieval flail.
Timothy: You know, the stick where chains attach, got a little spiked ball on the end?
Leroy: Yeah, yeah, I got it, McGee.
Jimmy: I'd say that definitely puts this in the "weird" category.

Eleanor: So, the victim's name is Chief Petty Officer Norman Mason, 33, he's a marine reservist, who runs an escape from out of his house
Leroy: Escape what?
Jimmy: Oh, it's a game. They lock you in a room and you have to solve a mystery before the clock runs out
Leroy: What do you win when you solve?
Jimmy: They let you out of the room
Leroy: What if you don't solve?
Jimmy: They, eh, they... they also let you out of the room
[Gibbs stares at him]
Jimmy: I... I feel I am not explaining this right

Joseph: I was on the quarterdeck, waiting for colors. And then me and Ozzie O'Connor were gonna catch the liberty launch and toss the football on the beach. Then I heard a plane approaching. I looked up. I saw the red ball on its wing, and I knew. I ran to my battle station in the gun pit, and that's when we caught the big bomb. It was like the devil opened his mouth and made a noise that was all screaming. The steel! The fire! The men. I got orders to go topside, where I saw these body parts all over the deck. Men stumbling through, no hair, no clothes, charred to the bone.

Jimmy: [Jimmy compares Bishop's plant to his green paper] No, no, there's not a lick of green in there, Bishop. I'm sorry, but this is very dead.
Ellie: I wouldn't call that an official test.
Nick: Hey, the guy knows dead, Bishop.

Donald: Forgive me, Mr. Palmer, but I can't resist the urge to give you one of my all-time favorite pieces of advice: If you're going through hell, keep going.

Abby: Botulinum was the main ingredient, but the injection was a mixture of inhibitors...
Leroy: Abs, less words.
Abby: Uh, it... has stuff in it that mask the symptoms of the poison.
Donald: So it hit all at once.
Abby: Yeah, and it hit hard. I mean, there's people all over the Dark Web selling this kind of concoction, along with compressed-air guns to fire it into the skin. I mean, they only work at close range, but they're even selling silencers.
Donald: A discreet killing device in the palm of one's hand.
Abby: Exactly. And there's no way to trace who's buying them.

Barbara: It's not easy knowing she's hundreds of miles away working in a dangerous job. If I had my way, she'd be living here working as a teacher or nun.
Leroy: Daughters.
Barbara: That being said, it is very comforting to know that she is surrounded by people who care about her.
Leroy: I'll look after her.
Barbara: I'm counting on it.

Jessica: Wait, explain to me again. He's a bear?
Alden: That solves crimes, yeah. Detective Grizz.
Jessica: Yeah, he shows up at schools, teaches kids to...
Jessica: "Stay away from crime".
Nick: Or else what? He mauls them?

[Abby visits McGee and Delilah, lying beside each other in the same hospital bed]
Timothy: All right, Abby, we haven't heard back from Delilah's mom yet, so until she knows, you can't tell anyone.
Abby: Seriously?
Delilah: Just until we let family know.
Abby: I'm not gonna tell anyone, but... seriously?
[they nod; Abby climbs onto the bed and hugs them both]
Abby: This is the best... news... *ever*!

Leroy: Would you look at that? Got your sea legs.
Ellie: Yeah. And then some. As a thanks for our help, Commander Rackham made me an honorary Shellback.
Timothy: I've been angling for one of these for years. You get all the luck.

Ellie: Don't let a bad situation define you.

Lyle: Agent McGee, are you familiar with the internet?
Timothy: I have heard of it

Leon: When I first put together that she was CIA, I could've called her out.
Jack: You put the security of this agency above your personal feelings.
Leon: But I don't think that's a good foundation for happily ever after.
Jack: Maybe you need to lower the bar a bit. If your goal is happily ever after, I think you got into the wrong business. Or maybe you should just date a librarian, so you won't have this problem again.
Leon: Stay away from undercover CIA agents, that's your advice?
Jack: I mean, it's practical.
[he laughs]
Jack: But this isn't about finding someone new, is it?

Leroy: We never should have handed this case off.
Leon: Well, look at you. Bringing up ten years ago?
Leroy: Yes, I am.
Leon: Well, that's a new one. Usually, the past is nipping at your ass and you're running full steam ahead the other way.

Timothy: I can't believe this. You guys are accusing me of treason in my own house?
G. Callen: It is nothing personal.
Timothy: Really? Then why aren't we doing this in the conference room?
Sam: We didn't know where that was.
Timothy: You didn't know where *this* room was! I had to show you.

John: So, uh... why'd you ask about Whit Dexter? He killed that sailor, didn't he?
Jack: I never said that.
John: Well, you wouldn't have mentioned it if it wasn't a possibility.
Jack: You think he'd do it?
John: He definitely hates our military. Came after me personally, too.
Jack: Listen, there is nothing that man could say to you that would be worse than living in a cage for five years.

Hayley: There's not really much else I can say. I've never really done tri-shots myself.
Blake: Well, you use a dropper to ingest it. One or two drops should do the trick. Any more than that, you'll wind up in the ER. I mean, from what I've heard. We're not really into that kind of stuff.
Hayley: Yeah, uh, Zico and B.I. are more my vice.
Leroy: The hell is that?
Hayley: Seriously? It's K-Hip Hop.
Leroy: What the hell is *that*?
Hayley,171135: Tragic.

Retired: Wait! Before you go through with this, have you thought about the tax implications?
Detective: The what?
Retired: Well, you're planning on killing yourself, right? As an accountant, I'd advise you to at least wait until you have your estate plan in place.

FBI: For all I knew, some "Nudist Colony In Seattle" was after my ass... again.

Ellie: Whatever happened to Krista in H.R.?
Anthony: Too judgmental. She never laughed at the emails I sent her.
Timothy: 'Cause they were offensive.

Jimmy: [Bishop starts to leave autopsy] Bishop?
[Bishop stops, and turns around]
Jimmy: Get these bastards.

Leon: Can't say you're not thorough, Gibbs.
Leroy: Hey, Leon. You ever heard of a Hail Mary?

[first lines]
Janitor: [mopping a floor] All right, now watch.
Janitor's: I'm watching, Dad.
Janitor: Now let me see you.
Janitor's: Dad, you know I'm just doing this until I finish school, right?
Janitor: People call this kind of work "blue collar." I don't care what color your shirt is. You bring pride to the job, people will notice. Even if they don't, *you'll* notice.

Nick: You know, when I was undercover, I had a few aliases, but nothing like this. I knew a lot of smugglers who did.
Leroy: Okay. What's he smuggling?
Nick: Drugs, guns. People?
Leroy: You asking me or you telling me?
Nick: I don't know, is there another option?
Leroy: Sure. Go find it.

Jack: And the key to why has to do with Afghanistan.
Leon: [to Gibbs] And this is usually the time you tell me that you've already sent a team on route.
Leroy: Sent McGee and Bishop this morning. They should be at Camp Russell any minute.
[Gibbs leaves]
Jack: Don't ask me. I - I don't know how he does it either.

Donald: It's called bushmeat. Derived from animals native to Africa. Bat, monkey, lion... whatever the local population hunts for protein.
Leroy: In Liberia?
Donald: In many countries all over Africa. It's outlawed by their governments because it destroys the ecosystems.
Leroy: Duck, this case isn't about rhino horns or elephant tusks.
Donald: No, it's about food.
Leroy: So what's it doing in the U.S.?
Donald: Jethro, illegal bushmeat is a worldwide, billion-dollar business. It's smoked, smuggled into the country and then sold on the street to expatriate communities.
Leroy: A taste of home.
Donald: Well, never underestimate the power of nostalgia. Mere pounds can go for hundreds of dollars.
Leroy: It's a health risk.
Donald: Well, the greatest fear is of an unknown and catastrophic disease. You see, smoking the meat does not kill off all the bacteria.
Ellie: Sounds like nightmare soup. It's a shame, I used to like soup.

Nick: I can get behind the whole murder mystery thing, but the masquerade? I just... I don't like that. You know? I don't like when people wear masks and they pretend to be somebody else. That's just... that's just weird. That's just creepy, man.
Timothy: You're kidding, right?
Ellie: You were an undercover agent.
Nick: Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. Okay. It's different, guys. 'Kay? I'm not pretending to be someone. I'm embodying someone. It's a big difference. You guys want to see a little demonstration?
Leroy: [entering] No.
Nick: Okay, maybe later.

Nick: So, uh, how long has it been, huh, since you two crazy kids have seen each other?
Thomas: Not since high school. I mean, Scarecrow here never showed up to any of our reunions, so...
Ellie: And there's why.

Abby: I'm really gonna miss you, Anthony DiNozzo.
Anthony: Not half as much as I'm gonna miss you, Abby Sciuto.

Agent: Look guys, I appreciate the pep talk, but I'm fine. Stressful situations don't get to me any more.
Timothy: Since when?
Agent: Okay, I'll tell you this because I'm confident enough to do so, but also because it might help you too. Two words: alter ego. Whenever I'm feeling overwhelmed, I mentally transition into a better version of myself.
Timothy: You mean like Beyoncé and Sasha Fierce?
Agent: I was thinking more like Clark Kent and Superman, but yeah, same idea.
Anthony: That's fantastic.
Agent: It is. I transitioned right before you walked up. That is why your b.s. is not getting to me.
Timothy: So right now, who are we talking to?
Agent: Gilroy Libbs, super agent, ready to kick some MTAC ass.

Kasie: Your bear just tested positive for cocaine.
Alden: Cocaine Bear rides again! What? You haven't heard the tale of the legendary Pablo Escobear?

Anthony: Gibbs give you the brush-off?
NCIS: I get the sense he thinks I'm the enemy.
Anthony: Well you're not... unless you're one of his ex-wives... or a lawyer. Gibbs has been here since Mark Wahlberg was Marky Mark, and you show up with your acronym telling him he needs help doing his own job.
NCIS: But that's not what I said.
Anthony: That's what he heard.

Wynn: What's this?
Leroy: Phone records.
Leon: Do you recognize your number? It seems that you and CIA officer Mallory Madden have been awfully chatty. A fact that you both have failed to mention.
Leroy: About that two-way street...

Nick: Why'd you hit the... the emergency button?
Leroy: Because I can.
Nick: We don't have an emergency, Gibbs.
[seeing his stoic expression]
Nick: Or do we?
Leroy: Tell me.
Nick: Tell you what?
Leroy: What are you hiding?
Nick: Okay. Let's talk. Where to start?
Leroy: The truth.
Nick: What if I'm not sure I know it anymore?
Leroy: We find it. I can't help unless you help yourself. Time to tear off that Band-Aid.

Alex: You notice McGee and... and Bishop acting weird?
Nick: Nerds are weird.
Alex: No. No, th... they were looking at us funny at the crime scene and in the squad room. I'm telling you, something's going on, and it's about us.

Emily: So can I have permission to take matters into my own hands- to do whatever I need to do?
Special: Yes... Don't burn down my house.
Emily: Fine. Plan B then.

Ellie: [on the phone with Torres] To be honest, yes, I am shocked.
Nick: What? Why?
Ellie: What do you mean "why"? Everybody knows you're terrible with teenagers.

Leroy: I know about you, Sergeant. I know what you've been through. But you got to give me something.
John: This isn't right! I have to get out of this room! You can't keep me in this room! I have to get out of this room! You hear me? I have to get out of this room!

Timothy: Hey, boss, look at this locker. Not a single item out of place.
Leroy: His rack's inspection-ready.
[bouncing a quarter on the bed]
Leroy: Bounce a quarter off that sheet.
Timothy: [finding a picture inside a book] Allston was one squared-away sailor.
Leroy: Who is that?
Timothy: Girlfriend? Sister?
[seeing Gibbs' look]
Timothy: I'll find out.

[while preparing for Gibbs's surgery, the monitors go off]
Navy: He's crashing.
Dr. Cyril Taft: Ten cc's of epi. Let's put him under and crack him. Time to dance, Agent Gibbs...
[a nurse fits on his mask]
Dr. Cyril Taft: Mind if I lead?

Timothy: Bishop, you're here. Good.
Ellie: Yes, I lost the bet, Tim. I failed to get Gibbs to try a tofu steak. And yes, I will buy everyone drinks tonight.
Timothy: No, no, no, no, no. Forget about all that. Where are Torres and Quinn?
Ellie: I don't know. They're not here yet. Your eyes are bulgy.
Timothy: It's 'cause I got big news. I got big news. I'm talking big like "Whoa!".
Ellie: Use your words, Tim.

[last lines]
Ellie: We all deserve to be happy, Gibbs. Especially this time of year. Anyway, merry Christmas.
Leroy: Merry Christmas to you, Bishop.

Leora: Why don't you and I go check out the shuffleboard court.
Nancy: I think he'd rather play shuffleboard with me, Leora.
Bud: Roman, there's no shuffleboard court here. That's code.
Roman Parker: Ah.
Alden: Code for what?
Jessica: You know what it's code for.

Ellie: Look at all these dates. They go all the way up to 2013. That's years after the police ruled this a suicide.
[looking through surveillance photos]
Ellie: "Ben Ramsey, boyfriend of Morgan Burke." Look at all these.
Nick: He was a suspect.
Ellie: Yeah. Whoever was investigating this must have thought this was a murder and not a suicide.
Nick: Who was investigating?
Ellie: [noticing something, she grabs a magnifying glass for a closer look] Oh, my god.
Nick: What?
Ellie: Look at the reflection in the window.
Nick: You can see who's taking the picture.
Ellie: That's Ziva.

Kasie: So, I dusted the image for fingerprints, and other than yours, I found none. Totally clean.
Leroy: The bullets?
Kasie: You did a great job of digging them out of your truck. They were all totally intact. Also totally clean.
Leroy: Gotta have something here, Kase.
Kasie: Oh. Well, that brings me back to the photo.
Leroy: You said it was clean.
Kasie: There's normal forensic scienctist clean, and then there's Kasie Hines clean.

Leroy: Palmer finished the body that came in last night. I'll be down in Autopsy.
Ellie: Well, I thought Spain said he had heart failure.
Leroy: They did.

Ziva: Do not count your crocodiles before they hatch.

Donald: Winston Churchill had a parrot named Charlie the Curser. He often went on anti-Nazi tirades mimicking Churchill's voice and using his favorite profanities against Hitler.

Jack: After everything that's happened with Leon, Clark, you, this woman turns herself in? Why?
Leroy: Hoping to find out.
Jack: You think it's wise to send a jilted lover into that room?
Leroy: It's not my call.

Leroy: Palmer.
[Jimmy nods to something behind him; turning around, he sees...]
Leroy: Duck. Well, good morning.
Donald: Good morning, Jethro. No doubt you're wondering why I'm here.
Leroy: Well, I don't know. Maybe you missed us?
Donald: Well, true as that sentiment may be, the university is on spring break, and I'm here in town to handle the second of life's two certainties.

Timothy: You know my friend Val?
Ellie: REACT Team Val, yeah.
Timothy: Had dinner with her last night, all right? She did basic school at FLETC the same time that Torres was there, and Quinn was one of their instructors.
Ellie: So?
Timothy: So, Val said that during one of the weeks of training, Torres and Quinn had a fling.
Ellie: No.
Timothy: Yes, they did. It's true. Val said it was over quick, but, I mean, we're talking sweaty, "Top Gun", hotshot rookie, sexy instructor...
Ellie: No.
[McGee nods]
Ellie: No. I mean, I don't... I just can't even...
Timothy: Use your words, Bishop.

Anthony: [to the tree that gave him a splinter] I'd like to cut you down and use you for firewood all winter long.

Joseph: The things I saw that day shouldn't come out of anyone's mouth.

Abby: Gosh, I just got chills.
Timothy: Why's that?
Abby: You're just... changing... right in front of our eyes. Your gruff manner, your clipped replies. You're no longer McGee. You're McGibbs.

Young Dr. Donald Mallard: I will scour the entire planet, look under every rock, turn every town and city upside down, ransack every third world flea pit until I find my brother again!

Ellie: [at a bowling alley] Whoa. Well, I know where I'm having my next birthday party.
Nick: Where was the last one?
Ellie: ShowBiz Pizza. I was seven.

Nick: [turning on Gibbs' TV after a shoot-out] You got to be kidding me. It still works.
Ellie: Mm, didn't it used to be in color?

FBI: [to Gibbs] I heard a lot about you from agent Fornell. I was kind of expecting fangs, to be honest.

Ian: The victim's Petty Officer First Class Kendrick Allston. He was one of our cryptologic techs.
Leroy: How long has he been on board?
Ian: Little more than four years. Longer than I've been here.
Leroy: You know him well?
Ian: Better than most. He was one of the brightest sailors I'd ever been around. Would've staked my career on him making it to admiral one day.
Leroy: How long until he was retreived from the water?
Ian: One minute and 56 seconds from the time he was spotted. I know that man-overboards happen at sea, but nothing like this has ever occurred under my command before. I want answers just as much as you do.

Nick: Wait, so this dude puts out forest fires too?
Alden: No, that's another bear.
Nick: What? How many bears they got working?

Young: What's it called?
Young: It was just released. It's called a web browser.
Young: Cool name. What is it? A new development stack?
Young: No. You use it connect to something called the Internet.
Young: And then what?
Young: Watch.

Abby: I would hug you so much right now, if I wasn't covered in hazardous materials.

Leon: You know, I got to say I never thought I'd live to see the day that you would relocate to the east coast.
Jack: Well, you shouldn't be that surprised. It was your idea.
Leon: I was always under the impression that you would rather quit than leave California.

Holden: Are you deaf, man? I said I need a doctor.
Alex: Then cooperate, "man". By the way, McGee, that was a very impressive sprint. Good hustle.
Timothy: Oh, thank you. Think I owe that one to Abby's Power-Pow!.
Alex: Hmm. It was like watching a cheetah attack a gazelle. And now attack a dirtbag.
Holden: Sticks and stones, sweetheart.
Alex: Call me that again, I'm gonna go find some.

Abby: [after dusting a truck's review mirror for fingerprints] And guess what I found? A fresh right thumbprint on its backside.
Leroy: Thumbprint have a name?
Abby: Don't be silly, Gibbs, thumbprints don't have names.
Abby: People do.

Anthony: She's the first triple-T I've been with an about 3 years.
Ellie: Triple-T, do I even want to know?
Anthony: Tall, Tasty, Trust-funded.

Wynn: Somebody has been accessing an old offshore account in my name. I have no idea who, or why. Which is why I'm here. Sunlight in the best disinfectant, boys. So, you got questions, ask away.
Leroy: The account. What is it?
Wynn: Take a look.
Leroy: Asked you, Mr. Secretary.

Leon: I'm certain that agent Torres will do his very best to give you a proper introduction to life at NCIS... as if his job depended on it.

Luca: You told me the government could trace it. I didn't know you could.
Abby: I *am* the government!

Leroy: Is there a connection to the victim?
Timothy: After Ross leaves, Dexter lays out Ross' history of violence and aggression.
Ellie: He promised his listeners something big would soon be revealed to prove that Ross is a government thug.
Leroy: What, a box of poisoned cookies?

Abby: Why am I not more disturbed that Caf-POW! is only three ingredients away from a smoke bomb?

Alex: How long have you known about forgetting things?
Marie: I've known for a while. I... I... I make a telephone call and I'd forget who I was talking to. Or I go... out for a walk, and I... I would get lost in my own neighborhood. It's like a window that just keeps closing a little bit, and then a little bit more. Every day. Like that.
Alex: Well, we're not gonna let it close, okay?
Marie: Baby, nobody stops this window. Nobody.
Alex: We're not nobody. Okay? We... we... we fight. And I am not putting you in a nursing home. I am here for you.
Marie: I know you are. But what happens when I'm not here for you anymore? Forgetting about your dad was bad enough. But what happens...
[breaking down into tears]
Marie: ...when I forget who you are?
Alex: You won't. You're not going to. How can you? I mean, come on. You're not gonna forget about me.
Marie: I just don't want to live to be a burden.
Alex: You are not a burden. You're my mother.

Whit: So, a government organization known as NCIS just paid me a visit. These scumbags are trying to frame me for the murder of a sailor named James Sweeney. Now, I've learned that this sailor was about to go on record, exposing our old friend John Ross. But now that sailor's dead. How did he die? From poisoned cookies in care packages sent by John Ross.
Clayton: We never said a word to him about Ross.
Nick: Or anything about poison.
Timothy: Dexter shouldn't know how Sweeney died.
Leon: Unless he had something to do with it.

Timothy: So Saint Nicholas gives gifts to the good kids and Krampus kidnaps the bad ones and eats them?
Abby: America watered it down to coal in a sock. Boring.

Billy: Or should I say CSI Agent Parker?
Alden: NCIS, actually.
Billy: What's the difference?

Donald: Just as too much salt will dull the taste buds, a lifetime of autopsies has dulled my olfactory nerve.
Jimmy: Yeah, but salt factory don't taste bud.
Donald: Come again?
Jimmy: Paper cut and floor action... Ducky?
Donald: Step away from the body. Do it now!. Get away from the table!
[Jimmy collapses]

Nick: Can I interest you in a shirt? Perhaps, uh, some pants?
ISB: Nah, Prefer to air-dry first.
Timothy: Of course you do.

Nick: Don't worry about it. I'm pretty sure I can take a guy named Vern.

Leon: This is what you wouldn't say, what you thought this case was leading to.
Liberian: My apologies, Director Vance. It is both a source of great pride... and embarrassment.
Leon: Have a seat.
Liberian: We are a nation of survivors. Slavery, civil wars... we strive for progress, but many are still poor, and cattle production is difficult and costly. Bushmeat has been a way of life for generations.
Leon: Which is why it can wipe out animal populations.
Liberian: It is unsustainable, and a health risk. My government desperately tries to teach this to the public, but food is also a cultural touchstone. Used for celebrations, weddings, christenings...
Leon: More reasons it's smuggled into our country. Old habits die hard.
[Moore looks at him quizzically]
Leon: Sorry, that's another turn of phrase. It's difficult to change minds.
Liberian: Even more so to change hearts.

Timothy: You know, Delilah's cousin had a thing with the IRS. It's actually a pretty funny story.
Nick: Was it, uh, terrible and he lost a ton of money after months of paperwork?
Timothy: Yeah, I guess it's not that funny of a story.

Nick: Yo, yo, I'm here. What's the problem?
Kasie: I'm sorry, what's that? Uh-uh... the blood in my ears must be affecting my hearing.
[indicating his mentees playing video games]
Kasie: That's the problem. I have work to do, and I can't concentrate with the sounds of D-Day going on in here.

Nick: [learning a personal acquaintance was murdered] Man, I knew this guy looked familiar. I-I took the same class before I went undercover. This guy was a rock star.
Timothy: Yeah, but you said that he failed out.
Nick: Yeah, he had an authority problem. But he was good. He was really good.
Leroy: How'd he end up dead in a truck stop bathroom?
Nick: I don't know. We were close during training. We were always trying to one-up each other. Then we lost touch after he failed out.
Ellie: Well, he's got no work record, no social media presence, but he lives here in D.C., rents a condo in Georgetown.
Leroy: Go, Torres. Take Bishop with you.

Timothy: Mallory just turned on her cell phone and her GPS tracker.
Ellie: So either our CIA operative is sloppy, or it's a trap.
Leroy: She's not sloppy. Where is she?
Timothy: She's at your diner.
Leroy: [leaving, he notices no one is on his six] Hey, come on. All of you. Let's go.

Nick: Oh, thank god you guys are back.
Timothy: What? What're you doing?
Nick: Please don't ever leave me again like that. Those kids are driving me crazy, man.
Timothy: The mentees?
Nick: It takes less energy to infiltrate a drug cartel. I pawned them off on a probie just so I can have a few hours of "me" time.
Leroy: How about update time?
Nick: Yeah, and that, too.

Leroy: We asked your daughter for help. She talked to my agents all day about you. And when they had to leave, she stayed. She practically wrote a book.

Timothy: [hearing Nick yell in frustration] Everything all right?
Nick: No!
Ellie: You want to talk about it?
Nick: I got a letter from the IRS. They want my leave and earning statements from when I was undercover in South America. I mean, who keeps an LES from five years ago?
Timothy: I do.
Clayton: I once had a friend at MI6 whose taxes get messed up when he was undercover in Borneo. Took him years to pay off.
Timothy: How'd that happen?
Clayton: He tried to write off a helicopter as his company car.

Leroy: So Brock, your mom's coming to get you. What do you want to do while we wait? Get a cup of coffee?
[Brock nods. Gibbs chuckles.]
Leroy: Cool.

Kasie: Through the magic of chemical science, I still have a lead. Take a look at the optical isomers.
Leroy: No.
Nick: We're not gonna do that.
Kasie: Oh right, I forgot. You're both Level 2s.

Nick: I planted evidence. I planted evidence to get Monroe off the streets, so no other people, especially my friends, would get murdered.
Leroy: Gang members.
Nick: What they do. Not who they are.
Leroy: Any regrets?
Nick: Zero. No regrets. That Rosewood investigation swallowed me up whole. And when another two Rosewoods got smoked... I swiped the pistol he used to do it and I tossed it in the bushes next to the victims.
Leroy: His victims?
Nick: Yes.
Leroy: You're sure?
Nick: Absolutely. He looked me in the eye and said "I killed them both." And that was just the tip of the spear. Gibbs, he was cleaning house. I had no choice. I had to do it.
[Gibbs remains silent]
Nick: I was hoping this is the part where you'd say "Hey, Torres, your job is secure. When I was a young NIS agent, uh... I did the same thing."
Leroy: [starting the elevator] Torres, we got a lot more in common than you think. But my Band-Aids, they always stay on.
[reaching their floor, Gibbs gets off and Torres moves to follow him]
Leroy: Abby. Mud. Go. Don't come back without an answer.

Leroy: Rule ten. Say it. Say it.
Ellie: Never get personally involved on a case. So what? No, so what? I connect with Lily, a-and you put me in the field. I want to fulfill the dying wish of our victim's mother, and you say "rule ten"? No, Ziva was personally involved in every case.
Leroy: Don't you tell me about Ziva!
Ellie: Then what about you? You were furious when he handed off the case because you take every case personally,too, even one you only had for half a second.
Leroy: Enough.
Ellie: No. Rule ten, it's B.S.
Leroy: Every time I look at that desk, you know what I see? She is not there. You ignore rule ten, you go too far, you end up dead just like her. Go home. You're off this case.

Ellie: At least a dozen people copied the information onto Twitter, Facebook, and multiple other sites.
Timothy: From there, it spread like wildfire.
Leroy: Wait. Who wrote the first thing?
Timothy: Well, it was a dummy account. Like most Web handles, it didn't connect to any name, address, or bank account.
Ellie: But we were able to trace the subnet of the IP address.
Leroy: I have no idea what that means.

Jack: [showing up on Gibbs' doorstep] Don't worry. I'm not a weirdo. My car broke down around the corner, and my cell died, and it's a whole thing.
Leroy: Uh, maybe I can fix your car. Let me get my tools.
Jack: Oh, no, no, no. Please. That's not necessary at all. It's a rental, so they'll... they'll just take care of it. I just need a phone to call a tow truck and I'll be out of your hair.
Leroy: D-do you drink coffee?
Jack: Uh, yes. By the gallon.
Leroy: Well, come on in. Take a load off.

Abby: Poor Jimmy. What can we do?
Leroy: What do you mean?
Donald: To help Mr. Palmer. I need to get back there.
Leroy: We all gonna fit on the ledge and hold hands? You want to help Palmer? Do your job.

Leroy: You condemn me for something I did years ago, while you're still doing it.
Judge: That's an interesting theory, but you can't prove a word of it. Maybe that's why you came alone? Or maybe, deep down, you really believe in justice at all costs.
Leroy: Not about justice. Justice is your excuse. Because I'm coming for you... and you're scared.
Judge: And you're alone. Because they don't know what you did, do they? Your team. And you're too ashamed to tell 'em the truth. Agent Gibbs, I think we're accusing each other of the same thing. Maybe we're on the same team.
Leroy: [leaving] No, we're not.

Miguel: I even sent money when I could.
Nick: No. The church took care of us.
Miguel: Who do you think took care of the church?

Alden: Fun fact, as a Parker I always found good parking.

Timothy: So, what are you doing here?
Delilah: I am dropping off our revised guest list. You're in charge of invitations and these need to go out this week.
Timothy: Wait, 308 guests? I thought we agreed on a small wedding.
Delilah: Oh, we did. Our mothers are a different story. With both our families and our friends and everyone's plus-ones, this is where we are.

Timothy: Any luck tracing Lemere's payments?
Kasie: Whoever paid Lemere knew how to cover their tracks. We know he was paid through a shell company, Navis Ventures. But whenever I try to trace the money, it just leads to another shell company. I've had multiple computers working on this, and I still can't find the source. This could take days or weeks or...
[computer rings]
Kasie: Why does that happen every time I say something like that?
Timothy: Hmm, let me guess... Another bogus shell company?
Kasie: Uh, that depends on how you feel about the U.S. government
Timothy: [Looking at the computer] Lemere was paid by the Pentagon?

Abby: Okay, so I found something weird with Petty Officer Miller - cocaine.
Leroy: That's not so weird.
Abby: Weird is where I found it. It was on his clothes, in his hair. It was even in his shoes.
Leroy: In his blood?
Abby: No. His system was totally clean. It's like he rolled around in a giant pile of it.
Jimmy: I've never done cocaine before, but I think he was doing it wrong.

Anthony: You looking for this, New Years resolutions by Tim McGee?
Timothy: You went through my desk?
Anthony: Look at that, Number 4: Lock my desk. You've already failed.

Ellie: [Gibbs just proposed something] Uh, are you sure that's a good idea?
Leroy: No

Leroy: Abs, I got your message.
Abby: Gibbs, I have been waiting.
[he hands her a Caf-Pow!]
Abby: And all is forgiven.

Alden: Director, you got something for me?
Leon: I asked Dr. Mallard to do a psych eval on our serial killer. Which Dr. Palmer has agreed to present.
Alden: Okay, Jimmy, what do ya got?
Jimmy: Well, what I have is a history lesson. Uh, in 18th century France, people with two different colored eyes were seen as possessed. They were teased, they were ostracized, sometimes they were even killed.
Alden: That's a common theme throughout time.
Jimmy: Yeah, to treat people who looked or acted differently as evil spirits.
Leon: Like the witches of Salem.
Jimmy: We all know how they were punished.
Leon: They were hanged.
Jimmy: Any guesses as to how they treated heterochromatics
Alden: Chopped off their heads?
Jimmy: The belief was that in order to vanquish the demon they needed to separate the head from its soul.
Leon: So history is repeating itself. Why?
Jimmy: We can only guess. Perhaps the killer suffered some sort of trauma at the hands of a heterochromatic person, and now is seeking revenge on anyone with two different colored eyes.
Leon: That doesn't explain why Lieutenant Harlan was targeted. Or the bomb.
Alden: We just learned that her husband has different colored eyes. Our theory is that the killer got the wrong Harlan.
Jimmy: I don't think so. Our killer has been careful so far.
Leon: So you're thinking that there's another reason she would've been targeted?
Jimmy: Maybe. If you look closely, there's one person waiting to be executed who is not heterochromatic.
Alden: Two brown eyes.
Jimmy: Notice anything else about her?
Alden: She's pregnant
Jimmy: Historically, women who were impregnated by heterochromatic men were also targeted, because the trait is hereditary. So if Lieutenant happens to be pregnant, her child would likely have it, too.
Leon: And since you can't chop off the head of an unborn child
Alden: You blow up the mom instead.
Leon: We need to get the Harlans into protective custody.
Alden: McGee and Torres are on the way to their house now.

Nick: He worked at a place called Ned's Nuggets in Ivy City. I've actually been there. Nuggets are legit. Put your fish sticks to shame.
Timothy: Hey, nothing puts my fish sticks to shame.

Navy: I thought NCIS left with the body.
Leroy: No. We're still here.
Navy: Well, you two are gonna have to sit tight, then.
Ellie: What's going on?
Navy: We've been given emergency dive orders, told to wait for further instruction.
Leroy: We need to get word to NCIS.
Lieutenant: [chuckles] That's a hard no. Orders include radio silence.
Ellie: Uh, but...
Lieutenant: Until we hear otherwise, nothing is going out.

[first lines]
Leroy: Previously on NCIS...
Tobias: You ever hear of a terrorist named Benham Parsa?

Kasie: So, Stuart Crum, AKA...
Leroy: Ice Cream Killer.
Kasie: Guilty, but he got off on a technicality.
Timothy: The next day, Crum is found dead, and we know that the hitman who killed him was paid out of SECDEF's account.
Kasie: But check this out. We found six other withdrawals from that same account over the past three years.
Timothy: Each one was sent to city that, just the week before, had a high-profile murder case get dismissed by a technicality.
Kasie: In each case, the suspected killer ends up dead. I mean, holy vigilante justice, Batman, but in this case, it's like a nationwide network of vigilante justice.
Leroy: Someone is having killers killed. Who?
Kasie: Don't know. The money's a dead end. Assuming SECDEF is telling the truth, there's no way to track exactly who's controlling his account.
Leroy: Find a way, Kase.
Timothy: Boss, you really buying this?
Leroy: Got anything else, McGee?
Leroy: Yeah, I'm buying it.
Timothy: He must be tired.

Wynn: I was an Undersecretary back in 2002. Office of Finance. I opened that account in connection with several national security operations.
Leon: Off the books?
Wynn: Post-9/11, things moved fast. Bookkeeping was not at the top of our list of priorities. That account got lost in the shuffle.
Leon: Hundreds of millions?
Wynn: It's D.C., Leon.

Alden: Sorry, I can deal with dead bodies all day long at work, but wedding D.J.s?

Leroy: We already have the intruder in custody
Leon: So, you have a location on the medal?
Leroy: Eh, no
Leon: What's holding him?
Leroy: The suspect is 95
Gloria: I don't understand. Is that code for something?
Leroy: No, it's his age ma'am

Leroy: Bishop, do you understand the irony in all this? You asking *me* for marital advice.

Jimmy: You know there's no failure in not killing yourself, right?
Ryan: There's not much a future, either.
Jimmy: Oh, sure there is. Future's coming with or without you. You might as well be there.
Ryan: It'll be hell without my dad. No job. I... I got some okay friends, but none like yours. And look at the world. I mean, you turn on the news, and we're all so divided. Yelling and pointing fingers; there's so much meanness out there.
Jimmy: Stop looking for it.
Ryan: Who's looking for it? I mean, you can't get away from it.
Jimmy: Okay, well, then you look around it. You look for the good. It's out there. I promise. I mean, i... if you find meanness, you kill it with kindness.
Ryan: Oh, here we go.
Jimmy: You're damn right here we go. Open doors for strangers. You let a car go ahead of you in traffic. Who cares? Just smile more. And if you want good friends, be a good friend. They will find you, I promise.
Ryan: Man, you could go all night. But you don't have an answer for my dad.
Jimmy: No, I...
[he lets out a frustrated sigh]
Jimmy: No, I don't. But I have seen more dead people than anyone you know. All of them gone too soon and none of them peaceful.
[flashback sequence]
Jimmy: We only get the "B" sides on our table. And it is every day. I also see their families, Ryan. Some of them let their loss just knock 'em cold. And they drown in misery, while others, they choose to make their darkest hour their defining moment. They choose to take something bad and turn it into something good. Like your dad did.
Ryan: My dad?
Jimmy: When he lost your mom, he chose to put everything he had into you. Ryan... you are the something good that he left behind. Now you got the same choice to make.

Anthony DiNozzo Sr.: The difference between an entrepreneur and a con artist is that an entrepreneur believes in the dreams he's selling.

Dr. Donald Mallard: [Holding out a toy train to Nicholas] I think you dropped this. I thought you might be looking for it. Hello Nicholas.
Nicholas: [Long pause as he recognizes Ducky.] Beep. Beep. You got my letter. You found me, Donnie. You found me.
Dr. Donald Mallard: I did that. I told you I would.

Jack: [handing Gibbs his phone] Here you go.
[seeing his expression]
Jack: What?
Leroy: People usually comment on it.
Jack: Your flip phone? I love it. It's vintage.
[gesturing around the house]
Jack: Goes with your... style. The decor, the brick TV. It's all kind of retro chic. It's very "in" right now.
Leroy: I didn't know it went out.

Leon: This, um, outside office of Special Agent David's.
Leroy: Yeah, I'm handling it. I have the journals. I'll clear out the rest of it when this is over.
Leon: It's just a room, I know. But it must be bringing up a lot.
Leroy: A lot of what?
Leon: When a daughter keeps a secret like that, a father has to ask himself why.
Leroy: She didn't think I would approve. She was right.

[repeated line]
Special: YEAH.

Robbie: [about Torres] You do realize he could have taken all three of us down one-handed, right?
George: Without a doubt.
John: The things we do for our sister.

Nick: I just can't believe you two went out and didn't even think of calling me.
Ellie: Well, I never think to call you.

[repeated line]
Special: [making fun of Gibbs to a co-worker, who doesn't respond] He's standing right behind me, isn't he.

Donald: [in Autopsy] Officer Teague, I must warn you: the shrapnel from the incendiary device was devastating.
CIA: He's my son, Doctor. I want to see him.
Donald: Mr. Palmer?
[Palmer unzips the body bag containing Dorneget. Joanna leans over him and smooths his hair]
CIA: I'm so proud of you, baby. Sleep now.

Timothy: Close calls, make you live harder.

Carter: Even I don't fully understand the block chain. I went to the police with decentralized assets and full nodes. Their eyes just kind of glazed over. Like his are doing right now.
[looks at Parker]

Nick: When I was her age, I wore a mask and carried a spatula everywhere. I made my mom call me Zorro. And I turned out just fine.

[after posing as a call girl and her jealous ex-boyfriend]
Leroy: Any problems?
Nick: Well, aside from Bishop almost blowing up our cover, no, we're pretty good.
Ellie: Excuse me?
Nick: You shouldn't have slapped his hand away.
Ellie: I don't give out free samples! I got three kids to feed, and a sick Nana in Boca.
[off Nick's look]
Ellie: What? You told me to have a backstory, that's my backstory.
Nick: No, that's actually... that's actually pretty good.
Ellie: Thank you.
Timothy: What's wrong with Nana?
Ellie: Shingles.
Leroy: [deadpan] Condolences.

Leroy: So you got nothin.
Senior FBI Agent T.C. Fornell: Somebody got up on the wrong side of the couch this morning.

Ellie: Earth to Torres.
Nick: Were you talking to me?
Ellie: Yeah, for, like, the last five minutes. You didn't hear any of that?
Nick: Blah, blah, case stuff, Gibbs on his way. Got it.

Ellie: Ducky and Jimmy are on their way.
Leroy: McGee. There were two of them?
Timothy: Yeah. One of them got away, but I grazed him.
Leroy: Check local hospitals for recent gunshot wounds.
Nick: No wallet. But a print scanner IDs him as Louis Cole, a recent parolee.
Alex: No stolen goods on him. I wonder what the other guy made out with.
Timothy: I don't even care. I'm just happy that Delilah was in Dubai on assignment. I mean, if she would've walked in on these guys, would've been a lot worse.
Ellie: You haven't called her yet?
Timothy: No. It's too early there. Plus, uh, I'm not really looking forward to telling her anyway.

Jimmy: I found some fibers under her fingernails. Now, Abby has since confirmed that it's red nylon, probably from the killer's devil costume.
Leroy: She fought back.
[Jack clears her throat]
Leroy: Anything you'd like to add, Jack?
Jack: No. It's your... rodeo.
[seeing his expression of impatience]
Jack: But if you really did want to hear my professional opinion, I'd say that murder wasn't the killer's original intent. If so, he would have used the knife he stabbed her husband with; instead, he uses a rock. Look at this.
[showing them a crime scene photo]
Jack: See how he ties her hands? They're bound in front, not in back, which is a better stress position. And he ties a cloth around the rope?
Leroy: He wanted to make her comfortable.
Jack: Pretty considerate for a killer, wouldn't you say?
Jimmy: Okay, so if he didn't want to kill her, why did he?
Jack: Something must have happened and he panicked. Maybe Helen figured out who her captor was.
Leroy: You think they knew each other?
Jack: I think it was more than that. Your suspect had feelings for her. Maybe even loved her. Know anyone who fits that bill?

Timothy: Tony is tailing Jacob Scott's father-in-law.
Ellie: Where?
Timothy: At a Russian bath house.
Ellie: Hmm, at least he didn't send us any visuals.
[Bishop and McGee's phone's ring. They check their phones]
Ellie: OH!
Timothy: I can't unsee that!
Ellie: Spoke too soon.

Ellie: Bad news, guys. Transformer iced over and blew up my apartment.
Timothy: What do we do?
Anthony: Last time I slept in this orange room, I had psychedelic nightmares - stayed with me for months.
Ellie: Hotel's out of the question. All the rooms in the city are booked.

[last lines]
[thinking no one is around, McGee sits at Gibbs's desk, imagining himself "the Boss." After a moment, he looks over his shoulder and sees Gibbs staring at him]
Leroy: Really? Rule 70, McGee?

Anthony: State had to be pissed going behind their back bringing in Interpol
Leroy: You do what you have to do

Alden: We're actually here to discuss something a little smaller.
Adriana: Hmm. Dynamical Labs actually thinks big by thinking small. Our true calling is microbiomechanical systems. Such as replacing these old cochlear implants with artificial auditory nerves the thickness of a human hair.

Qasim: Trust only works when it goes both ways.

Nick: That's a rookie move. You don't bring a date to a wedding. Come on, man. You're stuck with them all night.
Timothy: So I can mark you down as a solo, then?
Nick: Absolutely. You can trust me, I'll be leaving as a plus one.

Congresswoman Jenna Flemming: So, has Hollywood called yet? For the movie rights?
Leon: No, not yet. I'm not selling mine unless Denzel Washington plays me.

Timothy: You all right, boss?
Leroy: We need answers.
Timothy: You know, there's something I've been thinking about a lot lately. Something you said to me when you first hired me. Something I never forgot. You asked, what happens when the best agents in the world want to accomplish something?
Leroy: They get it done.
Timothy: Damn right they do. For Fornell. For Ziva. We'll get it done.

Agent: Do people react that way because we're NCIS, or do you just have that effect on them?
Special: I'd like to think it's me

Senior FBI Agent T.C. Fornell: [Fornell is talking to the man who kidnapped his daughter] Okay, okay. But just so we're on the same page... if you so much as touch a hair on my daughter's head, so help me God I will find you and I will rip your eyes out of your face and shove them so far down your throat you'll need a proctologist to read the evening paper.

Sam: Uh, Agent McGee? Are we witnesses here, or are we suspects?
Timothy: That depends. Did you kill De La Rosa?
Sam: No way.
Timothy: Then I guess you're a witness.

Donald: It ain't a fit night out for man nor beast.
Jimmy: And yet, I'm the one who had to get out and push the van, Shakespeare.
Donald: That was W. C. Fields, Mr. Palmer in "The Fatal Glass of Beer".

MI6: Is that one of those cheesesteaks?
Ellie: Mm hmm, they are amazing.
[Indicating a bag on the table]
Ellie: Got you one.
MI6: [Reeves takes the bag, and looks inside] There are two of them in there.
Ellie: One's for later.
Alex: Not to mention the one she ate in the car.

Ellie: So your fingers aren't broken.
Nick: What, now?
Ellie: Oh, just figured that was the reason you haven't RSVPed to my e-vite. For my painting party?
Nick: Oh, I thought that was a joke.
[seeing her expression of insult]
Nick: I'm sorry, what's a painting party?
Ellie: It is like a housewarming party, except of standing around, you just... you get to get your hands dirty.
Nick: That sounds more like free labor than a party.
Ellie: Come on. Painting is fun.
Nick: Unless someone is posing nude, I am not interested.

Timothy: Care package sent to Sweeney was dropped in a blue mailbox less than a mile from John Ross' house in Franconia.
Leon: But?
Timothy: But the woman at the post office says that John Ross always dropped off packages in person.
Leroy: Box was full of poison. Ross didn't want to be seen with it.
Timothy: Yeah, I checked Ross' timeline. Mailman picked up the package on February 16, while Ross was in Chicago at a Marine Corps reunion.
Leroy: Then he couldn't have sent the package.
Leon: Well, someone sure wanted it to look like he did.

Timothy: [to DiNozzo] There's enough eye candy in here to send you into diabetic shock.

Nick: [McGee is marching in place at his desk] Uh, Tim? I'm starting to worry about you.
Timothy: Hey, laugh all you want, but people that sit all day are twice as likely to get heart disease than those that stand.

Juan: [alternative hearing of the parrot's line in Abby's lab] Not Pauley, not Pauley!

Young: You made the right decision.
Donald: Did I?
Young: Yes! Mother's fiancee was bent as a two-headed penny - a con man, a thief.
Donald: Even thieves fall in love.
Young: Rubbish. Making him leave was the right call. And might I add so is whatever you're doing with your skin. You look fantastic!
Donald: I'm not really complimenting myself, am I?
Young: Just take it.

Leroy: Your parents want you back.
Emily: They didn't want me back last night. I'm thirteen. They'd let me emigrate to Jupiter if I could get a ride.

Special: [Outside Leon's office] Cut the act.
Senior FBI Agent T.C. Fornell: What?
Special: Calling us to the crime scene. "Courtesy" my ass! You wanted us to fight for this case.
Senior FBI Agent T.C. Fornell: [pause] Yes.
Senior FBI Agent T.C. Fornell: Yes, I did. Are you kidding me? International and state borders. It's a paperwork nightmare.
Special: Why not just ask for help?
Senior FBI Agent T.C. Fornell: It wouldn't look good. Anyway, let me know how it turns out.
Leon: [Fornell starts to laugh, and starts to leave. Leon opens his door] Agent Fornell, you didn't give ma an opportunity to finish. Your director and I both agree that an FBI presence is still required. So you'll be riding shotgun.

Nick: First, it won't print, and now this stupid thing just has this ink thing pop out.
Abby: Don't call Rhonda stupid. Stupid is an ugly word. I wouldn't print anything for you either if you treated me that way.

Timothy: All right, Jimmy's on his way back with the body. Gibbs and Bishop are staying on the sub.
Nick: Man, Bishop ain't gonna like that.

Jimmy: A wise man once told me that the toughest cases are like staring into a glassy lake. All the answers you're looking for are there at the bottom, but in between you and them is the reflection.

Jimmy: Hey, Tony. Great to see you.
Anthony: How is the baby Palmer?
Jimmy: Much better, much better. The doc confirmed it was a low-grade fever, but honestly, it felt more like a five alarm fire. There was a lot of crying... I cried a lot.

Wynn: Can you tell me who's been using this account?
Leon: Not yet.
Wynn: But you do know what they've been using it for.
[noticing their reluctance to elaborate]
Wynn: Gentlemen, trust is a two-way street.
Leon: Yes, sir. And we'll let you know as soon as we have more.

Timothy: Rule Number 70: Keep digging 'til you hit bottom.
Abby: McGee! There is no Rule 70.
Timothy: Well, I...
Abby: You just made up a rule. This... McGibbs thing has really gone to your head.
Abby: I don't even recognize you right now.

Nick: You asked Sawyer to the wedding? Wow, you gotta be desperate.
Jessica: My cousin just found out that I lost my plus one, and now they're threatening to put me at the kids' table.

Leroy: Let's track Wallace's movements after he went UA.
Abby: His cell phone's off.
Leroy: Then, uh... can we hack into, uh... his GPS REM thingy? And back trace his memory deal?
Abby: Um. None of those things are... things, Gibbs. And one of them is a band.

Anthony: Andrea, oh yeah, yeah, she's um, i mean it's kind of on an as-needed basis.
Dwayne: Friend with benefits?
Leroy: Yeah, well these aren't benefits like dental insurance.

Jimmy: Burrows has two stab wounds on his carotid artery here. But the jabs are unusual. They're small, exactly one inch apart and one inch deep. You know, just like, uh...
Alden: Fangs?

Donald: But what's in a name, Mr. Palmer. That which we call a rose by any other name would smell as sweet.
Jimmy: That is Shakespeare, right?
Donald: No no no, it's W. C. Fields again. He had a million of 'em.

[Abby remotely turns off her computer monitor]
Senior FBI Agent T.C. Fornell: Hey, what happened?
Abby: I'm prepared for any contingency.
Senior FBI Agent T.C. Fornell: You are interfering in an ongoing investigation! Turn that computer back on!
Diane: Okay, Tobias, I sent most of those texts before you and I were back together again, so... they're inadmissible.
Senior FBI Agent T.C. Fornell: Okay! Just show me the texts that Mata Hari here sent *after* we got our game on! Let's see how innocent that "innocent overlap" really was.

Leroy: What do you got, Jimmy?
Jimmy: Well, Petty Officer Sweeney definitely died of a cardiac arrest.
Donald: But the real question is why.
Jimmy: 23 year old, active-duty sailor. He just had a physical last December, Gibbs. He passed with flying colors.
Donald: Not exactly the ideal candidate for heart failure.
Leroy: Maybe he had help.

Abby: When I was young, me and my brother Luca, we saw this movie in school, and at the end, the good guy killed the bad guy, and we all cheered. And Ms. Johnson turned off the projector and she said "We don't applaud killing, no matter who it is. If you take a life today, then you failed yesterday." I don't remember much from fifth grade, but I remember that.

Leroy: I do not like being lied to.

Special: Captain Jeremy Doblin, 55 years old, worked as a biochemist for the Navy.
Special: Anything classified?
Ellie: Nope. Alternative carbon-neutral energy production.
Special: It's actually really interesting, what he was doing.
Special: Not really, McNerd. What is interesting is the fact that his C.O. says he's been divorced three times, has no friends or family that still talks to him.
Special: Yeah?
Ellie: [Tony is lost for words] Uh, he also got three tickets for road rage and was reprimanded for a shady real estate deal last year.
Special: So, basically, everybody in the world wants this guy dead.

Leroy: Can't ever have too many flamingos.

Kasie: Would it even matter at all if I told you Dante is not your guy?
Leroy: Yes
Kasie: Dante is not your guy

[repeated line]
Special: [Slaps Anthony on the back of his head]

Aaron: What are you doing on the couch? Wife got you in the doghouse.
Leroy: No. Nothing like that. The bedroom was ours, you know? And... well, she passed away

Leah: Tell me, where do you keep your gun?
Anthony: I keep it in a secure place until it's needed.
Leah: And how do you know when it's needed?
Anthony: A man and his gun have a special relationship.
Leah: Sounds like you take good care of it.
Anthony: I have to. A gun that isn't well-maintained could cost someone their life.
Leah: What's wrong?
Anthony: Why would a marksman maintain his weapon so poorly?

Luca: But what happens when you find her?
Abby: Gibbs happens.
Luca: Oh no.
Abby: It's not like he goes out and shoot spies on the spot.
Anthony: I haven't heard from Trent Kort lately.

Leroy: What do you got?
Donald: The results of Ms. Trainer's autopsy tell a sad story. Her body exhibits extensive damage consistent with narcotics abuse.
Leroy: Too young to go out like this, Duck.
Donald: Well, drugs don't discriminate with age, Jethro. It's an equal opportunity serial killer. But while an overdose was the cause of death, I do not believe it was of her own choosing.

Nick: You think we hit him?
Jessica: I don't know about you, but I did.

Timothy: I'm not going out. I'm staying in and watching a History of Tap documentary.
Nick: That is the lamest thing I've ever heard.
Timothy: Also, I had this idea for a hack-proof smart speaker,
Nick: Nope, I take it back. So, let me get this straight. You can do anything you want tonight, but you choose to stay home and do nerdy things?
Timothy: And make fish sticks.

Ellie: Hey, can I borrow a pen?
Nick: No way. Get your own.
Ellie: What? Since when did become a pen Nazi?
Nick: Ever since I found out that pens are not expensable.
Ellie: That's crazy.
Nick: Yeah, you know what's crazy is that my protein powder is not expensable, either.
Ellie: Yeah, I would file that one under "duh".

Henry: [to Gibbs] I'd rather sit here with you, Marine. Far as I can tell, at least you keep your mouth shut.

Ellie: You know, I was thinking about what Riley said.
Timothy: You mean about enjoying memories?
Ellie: No, more about what you said about your breakfast burrito. And I was thinking, anyone who'd make you a 7 layer burrito on a weekday before work, *that* is love.
Timothy: I was thinking the same thing.

Anthony: [Expecting a driver] Hey, I'm on the run. I gotta-
[Abby and McGree enter looking somber]
Abby: Hey Tony.
Timothy: We uh - Vance got a call.
Anthony: [DiNozzo sighs] Ziva?
[DiNozzo drop his bag]
Anthony: Are we sure?
Abby: I'm so sorry Tony.

Leroy: There's an ocean between you and Kohl.
Nick: I'd say more like a creek. Had the same training, same hobbies, same tastes. What if I slip up?
Leroy: It's about choices, Torres. You've made yours.
Nick: And what choice is that?
Leroy: You chose the life where you catch the bad guys. He picked the one where you kill 'em. For money.
Nick: Then why doesn't that make me feel better?
Leroy: Because you're a good guy, and this is a dirty business. And if you didn't feel that way, then I'd start to worry about you.

Leon: I should have called Justice the minute your DNA showed up on the victim.
Alden: And why didn't you, Director?
Leon: Seems I've lost their number for now.

Anthony: Angelini's. Ready?
Jimmy: I feel so silly. I can't believe I'm the only one without a motorcycle license.
[Palmer gets in the sidecar]
Dr. Donald Mallard: No matter, Mr. Palmer. Rest assured that by my side, you will be hauling ass.
Leon: [Vance pulls up on his motorcycle] Gentlemen, let's ride.

Anthony: Ten bucks, the name of the boat is a nautical pun.
Timothy: Latitude Adjustment.
Anthony: Yeah. Name of the boat is crucial. I've had mine picked out for years. Go ahead, you'll never guess.
Timothy: The Codfather?
Anthony: We've been working together too long.

Nick: It's got to be real. I would have to hurt you, and... I can't do that.
Leon: Then I guess we need to find somebody you can hurt.
Jessica: Any suggestions?
Nick: I may have one in mind, yeah.
Leon: Oh, this might just be the worst decision I've ever made.

Leroy: What do we know, Duck?
Donald: Paramedics surmise heart attack.
Leroy: Why call us?
Donald: Well, as you know, Jethro, in many military circles, having "seen the elephant" is a metaphor for having experienced combat. I was in Laos on exchange with the U.S. forces. That's where I actually saw an elephant. Yeah, it was transporting supplies for the North Vietnamese.
Leroy: Does the elephant have a point?
Donald: Oh, yes. Often, there is more than one type of beast lurking in the jungle. First responders noticed foaming at Corporal Beck's mouth. That suggests there's more to this story than just a heart attack.
Leroy: [noticing a mark on the vic's shirt] That a coffee stain?
Donald: Well, it could be. Nothing is certain 'till I get him back to Autopsy.
Leroy: Well, let's get him back.

Nick: What if they... like snip on the wrong wire?
Timothy: It's not a bomb, Nick.

Christopher: Rest well, young warrior. We shall never know what heights you may have climbed or oceans you may have crossed. Alas, what could have been.

Jack: [Max notices her ink blot painting] You like that? I, uh, got that in Austria. What do you think?
Max: You want an honest answer?
Jack: Always.
Max: It doesn't fit.
Jack: Hmm.
[offering her jar of suckers]
Jack: Hey, take one.
Max: Why?
Jack: Come on, dude, just humor me.
[he takes one]
Jack: Ah. Black licorice. Interesting.
Max: You gonna analyze me now?
Jack: I could, or you could just tell me why you're here.
Max: Essay winners get to shadow an NCIS agent.
Jack: I mean the real reason. Why are you here, Max?

Bashir: Sir, don't look at me that way. I am not a terrorist. I just move things from one place to another.

Special: I can think of a few other adjectives that describe our boss better.
Special: Grumpiest.
Ellie: Angriest.
Special: Loneliest.
Special: Quietest.
[Everyone turns and sees Gibbs standing behind them. Slight pause]
Special: But also fairest.
Special: Strongest.
Ellie: Coolest.

Timothy: Turns out Richard is not just a marine. He is Special Ops. Seen some very heavy action, a real Captain America badass. And you are sleeping with his mother.

Leon: Agent Torres, I'm trusting you with my daughter. I bet you haven't heard that before.

Leroy: DiNozzo, check out Olivia Chandler.
Anthony: With pleasure. Thank you, boss.

George: When a dog turns on it's owner, there's only one possible course of action. You put the dog down... I ate mine.

Abby: [to McGee, who has just walked in wearing a tux] McGee! You look like the top of a wedding cake.
Timothy: Thank you, I think.

Ellie: It's not like Gibbs to not show up for work. We should check on him.
Timothy: Good luck with that.
Nick: Yeah, that's all you.
Timothy: [seeing her look] No, I'm-I'm gonna go help, uh, Kasie find a connection.
Nick: Yeah, and I'm gonna pull case files on our six murder dots.
Ellie: Oh, my god. What are you two scared of? Gibbs will appreciate the fact that we are concerned about him.
Nick: [sarcastic] Yeah, he appreciates when people are up in his business.

Alex: It's like, if Delilah were to say, "McGee, has there ever been a triple homicide in this apartment?" and you said, "No.", that would be a lie.
Timothy: That's right, and she's never asked me that.
Nick: Why the hell would she ask that?

Timothy: Look what I found under the seat.
[shows Bishop and DiNozzo a bag of money]
Anthony: Wow, look at that. There's gotta be about 200 grand there.
[to Gibbs]
Anthony: Boss, McGee found 50 grand.

Ryan: What do you want from me?
Jimmy: I want you to not jump.
Ryan: This conversation's not helping!
Jimmy: I... I'm just saying that if you change how you measure success, you might actually opt for happiness.
Ryan: What bumper sticker laid that gem on you?
Jimmy: Do you opt for happiness as an assistant medical examiner? Like you never wanted more?
Jimmy: Of course I wanted more! I... as much as if scared, but be... be careful what you wish for and all that.
Jimmy: Dr. Mallard's praise that day convinced me to finally finish med school, and take the M.E. test.
Ryan: Really? What happened?
Jimmy: What do you care, Ryan?
Ryan: [sarcastic] Oh, yeah, fine. You got me. My dying wish is to know whether you passed the test.
Jimmy: No, I didn't. Not the first time or the second time. That's why I never told anyone at work.
Abby: [in the squad room] I need to talk to Gibbs. Is he still in MTAC?
Jimmy: They still don't know.
Ryan: Know what?
Jimmy: About the third time, when I passed.
Ryan: You passed the M.E.'s test?
Jimmy: Yeah. I aced it. It was so strange. I... I had spent so long just trying to prove myself, trying to get ahead, and when I finally passed the test, it hit me like a ton of bricks. I didn't want to go anywhere else. I didn't want to leave my friends. Especially not Dr. Mallard. I was happy where I was.
Ryan: So you're an actual doctor?
Jimmy: I am. But still nobody at work knows. We got a special dynamic; I don't want to mess that up.
Ryan: But you could go anywhere.
Jimmy: And I will one day. Nothing lasts forever. I have had so many friends come and go. And live and die. But where I'm at right now with Dr. Mallard and Abby and the rest of our team working for what I really think is a noble cause, why would I want to leave that? I'd rather be happy. So every day, I put on my scrubs or this... this old jumpsuit, I... I go to work, and I opt for happiness.

Timothy: Well, competitors have been stealing each other's tech for centuries. Lightbulb, telephone...
Nick: Monopoly.
Timothy: The board game?
Nick: Yeah, it used to be called The Landlord's Game. It was made to teach people how terrible capitalism was.
Jessica: Well, that backfired, because every capitalist loves that game.
Alden: Not me. Last time I won at Monopoly, I was nine. Been chasing that high ever since.

John: How do you take your coffee?
Jack: Oh, I like my battery acid black. I'll handle my own sugar, though.

Nick: James Sweeney.
Whit: What, is he a moron, too? You guys both morons? What the hell is th... is this some sort of prank show? Come on. You guys are wasting my time.
Clayton: Do you know who James Sweeney is?
Whit: No. Why?
Nick: He was murdered.
Whit: Oh. Sucks for him.
Nick: Yo. Enough with the attitude.
Whit: Have a little bit of respect, mate.
Whit: [mimicking his accent] A little bit of respect, mate, for someone I don't even know?
Nick: For someone who served his country.
Whit: Oh, he was military?
Clayton: Yeah.
Whit: Well, at least he knew what he signed up for.

Abby: Breena says don't be angry, but she went to Beltway Burger.
Jimmy: No!

Ellie: Is Helen Wynn's department head standing by?
Navy: No, ma'am. Lieutenant Simoni is on leave in Japan right now, but our XO is waiting to assist you. Commander Thomas Buckner.
Ellie: Oh. I knew a Tommy Buckner back in Oklahoma.
Nick: An ex-boyfriend of yours?
Ellie: Hardly. He was one of the popular kids who made my life miserable.
Nick: I figured you more for a, uh, homecoming queen.
Ellie: Far from. I was all knees and elbows. I spent most of my time in the computer lab trying to avoid Buckner and his friends. God, I hated that guy.
Nick: Well, let's not hold it against this guy because he has the same name.
Navy: Sir, NCIS Agents Torres and Bishop.
Thomas: Ellie Bishop? Is that you?
Ellie: You've got to be kidding me.
Nick: No! Now, okay, this just got really interesting.

Whit: Listen, I'm an entertainer. Most of what I say isn't true. This whole Ross thing, it's all over the Internet. But I didn't put it there.
Leroy: You said on air you were gonna expose him.
Whit: Yeah, I was gonna make something up.
Leroy: You released that information yourself, and you knew your listeners were gonna jump all over Ross.
Whit: Oh, no, no, no, no. See, that's the beautiful thing about getting into the minds of these people. They're ravenous. I mean, thousands of them posted it long before I ever knew about it. I just have the biggest voice.

Donald: As NCIS historian, I have become somewhat isolated down in my new office, but since when has Gibbs' whereabouts been so hotly contested?
Timothy: Don't ask, Duck.

Leroy: I'm the last guy you want to take advice on women from.

Special: It looks like we've just gone from a snowball's chance in hell of getting out of here to a snowball's chance in...
Leroy: Arizona.

Anthony: Probie!
Timothy: You know, when we call, it usually means you come to us.
Ellie: At first, "Probie" sounded endearing and cute. Doesn't anymore.
Anthony: [re: the crashed van] Missing driver, go.
Ellie: He was a disgusting slob who lived in his truck. I found his dirty clothes, his dirty mattress, and his dirty, *dirty* porn. It's all part of the rookie hazing thing, huh?
Anthony: It's not hazing.
Timothy: It's part of the job.

Ellie: Did you miss the sexual harassment seminar?
Anthony: Every year.

Trent: [Looking around] Old friends and new. But not the one I expected.
Anthony: [Entering from the side] I'm here!
Trent: DiNozzo. I had no idea she'd be in the farmhouse. You know that?
Anthony: Do I?
Trent: It was nothing personal - strictly business.
Timothy: It is personal. It's Ziva!
Anthony: She was my family.

Ellie: What happened here?
Elaine: Gibbs happened. He didn't tell you?
Ellie: Tell me what?
Elaine: Late last night, Gibbs was heading home. Next thing I know, we heard shots outside.
Ellie: Gunshots?
Elaine: Gibbs is okay; didn't even spill his coffees.
Ellie: So, w-who did the shooting? What did the police find?
Elaine: Not Gibbs. He took off before the cops got here. And after fielding questions with these yahoos all night, I understand why. I told them I didn't see who was shooting. Matter of fact, I didn't tell them who was shot at. I assumed Gibbs left for a reason.

Jimmy: [Nervous] What makes you so sure that he's not--?
T.C. Fornell: [Forcefully] Because guys like Gibbs don't die getting blown up in their boats. They die rescuing babies and puppies from burning buildings in the middle of a hurricane.
Kasie: That's very specific.
Jimmy: Yet highly plausible.
[With a nod of agreement]

John: You know, they held me for five years. And after two rescue attempts went south and my captors cut off all communications... uh, everybody thought I was dead.
Jack: So she moved on.
John: When I got back, she had a new husband, and my daughter had a father that she believed to be her own. I made her mother promise to never tell her. I mean, I-I just... I was in no shape to be a dad. They... they had to move on. I was a... I was a broken man for quite a while. You know, in a lot of ways, I still am. I th... thought I was better at hiding it.

Kasie: I'm sure Bishop told you about my little... toilet tantrum earlier, but I just want to say that I've calmed down now, and all is right on Planet Kasie.
Leroy: Toilet tantrum?
Kasie: She... didn't tell you?
Leroy: No. I was asking about the case.
Kasie: Yeah, but you said "How you doing?". When you ask about the case, you say "What do you got?". I'm just saying, consistency helps.
Leroy: All right, fine. What do you got?

Ellie: Petty Officer Second Class James Sweeney.
Timothy: 23 years old, married, no kids.
Nick: He owns a home in Virginia with his wife Emma.
Timothy: Parents were killed in a car crash when he was sixteen years old.
Leroy: Record?
Ellie: Spotless.

Timothy: Hey. What's, uh, going on?
Abby: Nothing that concerns you. You men are not invited to this baby shower.
Timothy: Um, I think Delilah's baby shower does concern me. And Delilah, as well. FYI, men do go to baby showers.
Abby: This is not the time to argue.
Timothy: I'm not.
Abby: Us girls have this totally covered, so you can just go relax.
Timothy: Okay.
Ellie: [entering with an evidence box] I just scored down in Evidence. And there are two more boxes of decorations down there. Mm-hmm. Tried to return them to the original owner, but they said to toss them, so...
Abby: You know I love recycling.
Timothy: Those are from a domestic dispute case. You remember that? The two cousins that, uh, argued over the baby's name shot each other.
Alex: And this is why men aren't invited to baby showers.
Nick: And this is why I don't have kids.

Abby: Jimmy's gonna be a father. I mean, it's like one day you're just, you're you, and the next day, you're responsible for this living breathing soul.
Anthony: I hate to interrupt, Abbs, but Hurricane Gibbs is about to make landfall.

Leroy: You traced the account?
[Clark nods]
Leon: Whose is it?
[Clark flips over a page, revealing a picture]
Westley: Your boss.
Leon: Wait a minute. What's the United States Secretary of Defense doing with a quarter billion dollars in a secret account?
Westley: Can't be good. Now I think it's time to run into that burning building. You want to come with?

Anthony: It pains me to say, Leah Ramsey or Elizabeth Elliott, you're under arrest.
[Tony pulls out his handcuffs]
Anthony: And you know, I imagined putting these on you, it's just under different circumstances.

Delilah: Honey, 00100.
Timothy: 110101.
Delilah: 010111.
Timothy: 001.
Anthony: Are they arguing in binary?

May: Jody still won't eat. Sounds funny, but you know, they get depressed.
Leroy: Yeah, I've seen that before. My daughter, Kelly, she used to ride down by the beach. There was this stable near the water, owned by an old Korean War vet. He started calling her Sergeant Reckless.
May: After the war horse. Why?
Leroy: One summer, his wife died, and her horse wouldn't ride, wouldn't eat. Kelly noticed that, and she made it her project. Horse ignored her. But she kept going back. Every day.
May: Until the horse started eating.
Leroy: Mm-hmm. She knew that that horse just needed a buddy.
May: Sergeant Reckless, because like the war horse, your daughter was a lifesaver. So horse sense runs in the family.
Leroy: No. Uh, that was all her.
May: I saw the way that you were with Jody yesterday. You're just what he needs to break his funk.
Leroy: Funk?
May: Everybody here has already tried everything; this horse is as stubborn as they come, and I think he's finally met his match, Gibbs. At least I hope so, anyways, if you're willing. A horse that doesn't eat dies.

Kasie: Lilly said that when she was inside this mattress, Robert Hill dragged it out of his house to his truck. On the side that scraped the ground, I found something.
Nick: The address where of they're holding Morgan?
Kasie: Man, how easy do you think this job is? No, I found bird poop.
Leroy: You ID the bird?
Kasie: You mean did I get the bird's name and Social Security number? No. Seriously, you two?

Leroy: What do we know?
Timothy: Victim is Marine First Lieutenant Ethan Wynn, 25. Stationed out of Dam Neck.
Ellie: He was stabbed twice in the abdomen in the service hallway. Stumbled into the dining room, where he lost consciousness.
Nick: Two partygoers found him, and they called 911. He was taken to a local hospital, and he remains in the ICU.
Timothy: The local LEOs are trying to contact the wife.
Leroy: Okay. McGee, Torres, get to the hospital. See what he knows. Bishop, witnesses?
Ellie: Well, most were wearing masks, so no one recalls seeing Ethan beforehand. A few guests report hearing screams, but it was part of the show.

Jimmy: You know, I can't imagine a more difficult detail for a Marine to be assigned than escorting fallen brother or sister home.
Colonel: I suspect your job is not much different, Doctor.
Jimmy: Yeah. It's a - it's a struggle at times. But I take comfort in knowing that we're providing some closure.
Colonel: My comfort is inconsequential. Those that have made the ultimate sacrifice for this country deserve be brought back home with honor.

Blake: We're looking forward to this, sir. Consider us sponges ready to absorb all the knowledge you have to impart on us.
Nick: Did you just call me "sir"?
Blake: Yes, sir.
Nick: Actually, that does have a nice ring to it.

Newscaster: Two arrests have been made in connection with the smuggling of illegal bushmeat into the United States. Meat tainted with the Ebola virus...
Liberian: Congratulations, Director.
Leon: The two smugglers gave up their airport contacts pretty fast.
Liberian: Be assured my government is following up in Liberia. This will not end here.
Leon: The ball's in your court now.
Liberian: *That* idiom I know.

May: Well, what do you know? Good to have you back, pal. What changed, huh?
[seeing Gibbs in the stable]
May: Gibbs, you've been here all night?
[he shrugs]
May: What did you do?
Leroy: What?
May: He's eating. Tell me what you did. I could get you a coffee or an aspirin. That's a mighty hard floor.
Leroy: [standing up and walking to pet Jody] No. We don't mind. Do we, Jody? He just needed a buddy.

Abby: [in the bullpen, McGee has her on speakerphone] Which one of you wants to be "Gibbs, Gibbs, Gibbs, Gibbs, Gibbs!"?

Jimmy: Where are we headed? I thought that the body was found in crew berthing.
Navy: He was, but per Navy protocol, his body was moved to cold storage for preservation.
Jimmy: Cold storage?
Navy: Our food service freezer.
Jimmy: The health department would have a field day with that.
Navy: [amused laugh] We emptied the space out beforehand. Again, per Navy protocol.
[noticing something wrong]
Navy: What the hell? Someone cut the padlock.
[entering the freezer and finding it empty]
Navy: Jones' body... it's gone.
Jimmy: This will complicate the autopsy.

Anthony: You're inviting me to your house forThanksgiving dinner? I thought I was you second least favorite.
Senior FBI Agent T.C. Fornell: You are. But dry turkey, blackened dinner rolls -it's really more of a punishment.
Anthony: [Grabbing his gear and following Fornell] So now that we're friends can I call you "Toby?"
Senior FBI Agent T.C. Fornell: Don't push your luck.

Timothy: You're sure that it was Gibbs' truck that was hit?
Nick: Where did he go?
Ellie: I-I told you everything I know.
Jimmy: I just want to say, any time you guys need a safe, secluded space for gossip, Autopsy's all yours. Gets really lonely down here.

Young Dr. Donald Mallard: Now listen, your mother...
Young: I know... Thought she'd *never* leave!
Young Dr. Donald Mallard: You cheeky little monkey.

[last lines]
Ellie: Before I officially start working for you and this becomes frowned upon...
[Hugs Gibbs. He chuckles]
Ellie: I accept, Boss.
[They shake hands]
Leroy: Welcome aboard, Probie.

[Bishop is hit by three rifle bullets; Tony opens her jacket and sees her bulletproof vest held]
Anthony: Bishop? Bishop!
Ellie: [wheezing] Holy fish sticks, that hurt.

Nick: Sorry, but you're not getting as much as a paper cut on my watch.

[acting on instinct, Palmer has joined a potential suicide on a building ledge]
Leroy: Palmer! What are you thinking?
Jimmy: I wasn't thinking anything, Agent Gibbs. I just reacted and before I knew it, I was out here.

Timothy: I mean, what kind of teacher doesn't nurture a budding flower, you know? Alcohol wipes, babe.
Delilah: [passing them over] Well, turned out all right, didn't it?
Timothy: Well, I don't know about that. Haven't tapped since college, and I'm a failure as a writer.
Delilah: You wrote a best-seller, Tim.
Timothy: Yeah, that was, uh, ten years ago, and it was two best-sellers, by the way. Torx driver.
Delilah: I thought you were happy at NCIS.
Timothy: I am. It's just... last thing I wanted to do as a kid was join the Navy.
Delilah: And you didn't.
Timothy: You know, I don't fight for the Navy, but I am a cop for it.

Leon: As someone who was also married to a strong, intelligent woman, may I give you some advice, Agent McGee?
Timothy: "Don't blow it"?
Leon: [solemnly] No. Never take it for granted. Not for one second.
Leon: And don't blow it.

Jack: We're really gonna miss you around here, Duck.
Timothy: I still can't believe it's your last day.
Donald: I prefer to think of it as the first day of the rest of my life.
Nick: What happens on the second day?
Donald: Stay tuned.

NCIS: Orange smoke means "In Distress, Requires Assistance" according to naval and maritime code.

Sam: That podcast made it sound like all we ever did was fight. It never mentioned any of the good stuff.

Ellie: Why did you tell me about the affair?
NSA: What?
Ellie: I would never have found out. I think you wanted me to know. It's over, Jake. It's been over for a long time, and we're just saying it out loud now.

Gareth: You have to do something.
Dr. Donald Mallard: No I don't. But if you tell me why my best friend is dead, I'll consider it.

Noah: [after watching video of an assault] That's not me.
Alden: You are literally still wearing the same sweatshirt.
Special: [From Observation] For the record, none of the uh, cool kids committed felony assault.
Mrs. Richter: That little... Excuse me.
[Exits Observation]
Jessica: Should I go get her?
Special: No. Let her go. Let her go.
Mrs. Richter: [Entering Interrogation] Noah Patrick Henry Richter! You better sit up straight. And put your listening hat on!
Noah: [Sitting up straight] Yes, ma'am.
Mrs. Richter: I will take your phone, sell your laptop and melt .. your .. Playstation UNLESS YOU TELL ME EVERYTHING.
Noah: The parties were my idea.
Mrs. Richter: WHAT?
Special: [From Observation] We need to bring suspect's parents in more often.
Jessica: [Chuckling] Good cop/mom cop.

Nick: What's the cause of death?
Jimmy: Prepare yourself, because it is rather unexpected. Petty Officer Allston's cause of death was not drowning, nor was it a blunt force trauma to the head. Nick, he died of a sudden cardiac arrest.
Nick: A heart attack? At 24?
Jimmy: Even stranger considering he has no familial history of heart issues. I'm still awaiting the results of his blood panel, but it-it... a massive cardiac episode could give another explanation to his head wound.
Nick: So he wasn't struck from behind?
Jimmy: Upon closer inspection, I found that the wound pattern is not that of a medieval flail, but rather bulkhead piping from a Navy destroyer.
Nick: So he was hit with a piece of the ship?
Jimmy: Possibly, or he accidentally hit his head and fell overboard.

Timothy: This can't be right. Check it again.
Kasie: Because the fifth time is a charm?
Leroy: [entering] What do we got?
Kasie: We've been processing the bank records from SECDEF.
Leroy: Mm-hmm. And?
Timothy: Well, what we're finding is very... strange. I think there's something else we need to check.
Kasie: No, we don't. Just tell him.
Leroy: [waiting impatiently] Tell him what?
Kasie: Well, since you asked, follow me.

NCIS: You remember our train ride to Austria?
Timothy: Oh yes I do. I still have those lederhosen, by the way.
Anthony: Whoa, Timothy von Trapp. I can see you frolicking in the hills. Must have driven those frauleins crazy.
NCIS: Oh, the girls on the base did have a nickname for him.
NCIS: McStudmuffin
Anthony: What?

Leroy: [tracking the suspect vehicle] You know your trucks.
May: I own trucks. Got them and the horses in the divorce. He got everything else.
Leroy: What else is there?
May: His 23-year-old assistant.
Leroy: [laughs] You got the better part of that deal.
May: Damn right. I don't have to have dinner with the horse's sorority sisters.

Master: The pizza in Iraq tastes like ketchup on cardboard.

John: Have a seat anywhere you want. The boxes are right over there.
Nick: Oh, we're with NCIS. Uh, we have a few questions for you.
John: Oh, wow. Uh, yeah, ask away.
[McGee glances around the room]
John: Hey, anything you got to ask me, you can ask me in front of them.
Timothy: Well, I'm afraid we can't. We're gonna need you to come in.
John: What's this all about?
Nick: One of your care packages killed a sailor.

Leroy: You know the stages of grieving?
Dr. Jimmy Palmer: Yes, I know the stages of grieving
Leroy: Okay...
Dr. Jimmy Palmer: Denial, anger, bargaining, depression, acceptance
Leroy: Yeah... You're stuck
Dr. Jimmy Palmer: Yeah, how far did I made?
[Gibbs signs]
Dr. Jimmy Palmer: Denial? No way! Or am I denying I am in denial?

Leroy: What have we got?
Ellie: An empty notebook. Pages torn out. Oh, wait. I see some indentations.
[Gibbs hands her a pencil]
Ellie: Oh.
Nick: You know, pens are not expensable.
Ellie: [raising the indentations with the graphite tip] All right, I got some numbers here. 4, 20, 19, 94.
Timothy: That's funny. That's the exact same date that I got my, uh...
Ellie: Z28?
Timothy: Yeah, back when I lived in...
Ellie: Hampstead?
Nick: Uh... can someone explain to me what just happened?
Timothy: That's one of my old computer passwords.
Leroy: Well, McGee, why does a dead guy have one of your old computer passwords in his pocket?

Anthony: Did you see him do that eye scanner. First time I did it - 14 tries.
Timothy: Gilroy Libbs is kind of awesome.
Anthony: I know.

Ellie: George, John, Robert, this is Qasim, my boyfriend.
Qasim: Hello, Ellie's told me so much about you.
George: Thank God. We thought it was Gibbs.

Leroy: Rule number twenty-eight. If you need help, ask.

Jack: [entering the bullpen] Hey, cowboy. Catch.
[she tosses Gibbs his house keys, then heads upstairs to meet with Vance]
Timothy: Boss, you know her?
Leroy: Apparently not.
Timothy: Were those your house keys that she just gave you?
[seeing his expression]
Timothy: Sorry. Norfolk. On it.

Donald: How may I be of assistance?
Jack: I was hoping that you could help me with a bit of profiling.
Donald: Well, I'm always up to a challenge.
Jack: Okay. The subject is retired armed forces with past trauma they refuse to talk about, and their whole life is stil wrapped up in the military.
Donald: Unable to move on?
Jack: Unwilling, at least.
Donald: History of aggression?
Jack: Sporadic.
Donald: Intelligence?
Jack: High.
Donald: Has the subject ever sought counseling before?
Jack: No.
Donald: What about the family?
Jack: None.
Donald: Huh. And... well, your concern is what?
Jack: What happens if the subject continues to internalize what happened?
Donald: Almost certainly, they'd be on the road to disaster.
Jack: Yeah. That's what I thought.
Donald: Well, you... you just have to use all your tricks to get him to open up.

John: You know, I had a, uh, great-great-grandfather, I-I don't know how many "greats", but he was named after George Washington at the request of George Washington himself.
Jack: That is impressive.
John: My family's been fighting for this country since it was founded. Where'd you serve?
Jack: Who said I served?
John: You called your coffee "battery acid", so...
Jack: Ah. Dead giveaway, huh? Afghanistan.
John: Oh. That's a... that's a tough part of the world for a woman.
Jack: Tough part for anybody.

Nick: Are we sure she's not, like, Vega's step grandma or something?
Jessica: [reading from Vega's email] "I need to see you tonight. I think we really have something here." You talk to your grandma like that?

Leon: Very good to see you, Special Agent Sloane. Can I make you some coffee?
Jack: Yes, thank you.
Leon: You still take it the same way?
Jack: Black, three sugars, more sugar, then coffee.

Petty: Chris didn't do anything. He's in danger.
Ellie: We think you're the one in danger.
Petty: From my own husband?
Alex: Kelly, it was the Navy who reported your unauthorized absence when you failed to show up for duty.
Ellie: You were gone for 5 days and your husband never reported you missing.

Special: What are you McDoing, McGee?
Special: Working on Kales phone records.
Special: Thought you already McDid-That?

Anthony: Good work, Jimmy.
[Palmer walks past Tony, distracted]
Anthony: Hey! I'm complimenting you. Pay attention, it doesn't happen too often.

Timothy: How are uh Harm and Mac? How are they doing?
Bud: Actually, it's really interesting. So Harm
[Quinn enters]

Melanie: When life is good, paint. When life goes to hell, paint more.

Anthony: Good morning, Nanook. Hey, are you wearing every item of clothing you own?
Timothy: I am. I still can't get warm.

Leroy: [about the cardboard cutout of McGee] Bad boy look works for you.

Nick: They say parting is such sweet sorrow. Not always.
Max: Bet you can't say where that line's from. Here's a hint. It's not "Maxim".
Nick: Oh. I'll miss those witty remarks most of all.
Hayley: Agent Torres, would it be possible to extend shadowing another day? I just feel like there's so much we didn't get to see yet, and...
Max: Oh, I know, I know, right? I know, but those are the rules. That's all the time we got. So, yeah.
Blake: Well, we really appreciate you mentoring us for these past few days. I feel like I've learned a lot.
Max: Yeah, thanks to you, we learned how to get by in life by doing as little as humanly possible.
Nick: It's a gift.

Timothy: Okay, I don't understand. But whatever you think of us, we still think of you as family... Ziva, come home. Come home.

Paul: [In McGee's apartment] I've missed this place. You know, it looks the same, but the smells... they're different.
Timothy: Well that's because there's no dead bodies decaying under the floor.

Navy: Don't worry, we'll get you two off the Memphis and back in your cubicles as soon as we can.
Leroy: We're not gettin' off. We have an investigation to finish.

Anthony: Abby takes this holiday very seriously. You deviate from the plan, you pay the consequences.
Timothy: Halloween 2007, I told Abby I didn't want to carve a pumpkin.
Anthony: He's still waiting for the other one to descend.

Timothy: I'm not going anywhere until I know Abby's gonna be okay.
Jimmy: It could be days, maybe weeks even.
Timothy: Then I'll wait.

Donald: Mr. Palmer has declared when the child is of speaking age, she will call me "grandducky".

[McGee's cell phone rings on his desk]
Anthony: [picks it up] Delilah! A videochat!
[Tony grins as he answers the call, then...]
Anthony: Oh my god, you're very naked!
[Delilah is heard screaming from the phone speaker]
Anthony: Sorry!
[hangs up quickly]
Leroy: [deadpan] Teach you not to answer other people's phones, DiNozzo.

Nick: To be undercover is like being a chameleon. You know? You have to connect with the character you're portraying. You have to understand what drives them. That's what keeps them authentic. Know what I mean?
Timothy: I stopped listening a while ago.

Kasie: If knowing changes the way I live my life, I'm living it wrong

Leroy: Where are we?
Timothy: Mallory's cell hasn't been used in days.
Nick: The Agency hasn't heard from her since she was cleared in Clark's death.
Ellie: Yeah, no hits on the BOLO, either.
Timothy: Mallory is a trained CIA operative. She knows how to disappear.
Leroy: Well, she's not going anywhere until she finishes her job.
Timothy: By "job", you mean...
Leroy: Putting a bullet in my head.

Elaine: Anything else, Gibbs?
Leroy: Nah, just the usual would be great. Thanks.
Elaine: Working on that boat again, huh? Four coffees coming up.

Leroy: What do we got?
Nick: Phone records. Nothing too exciting. Bunch of calls to mom, sis, yada yada, but the last call that Kane made before he disappeared is really interesting, to a high school in the middle of nowhere.
Timothy: Oh, you gotta be kidding me.
Ellie: Don't tell me it's yours.
Timothy: Well, one of them. We moved every time my dad transferred.
Leroy: You sure you didn't go to high school with this guy?
Timothy: Boss, I'm-I'm positive that I did not go to high school with this guy. I remember everyone at the school. I couldn't get out of there fast enough.

[In the bag of Tali's stuff, Tony finds a photo of himself and Ziva in Paris]
Tali: [pointing to Ziva] Imma.
Anthony: Yeah, that's right, Tali.
Tali: Imma!
Anthony: What does that mean, "imma"?
Anthony: It's Hebrew. It means "mother", "mom."
Anthony: Oh.
Tali: [points to Tony in the picture] Abba.
Anthony: ...Tali, what did you say?
Tali: [points to Ziva] Imma.
[points to Tony]
Tali: Abba.
Anthony: Abba?
[Tali nods]
Anthony: "Daddy."
Anthony: Ziva must've told her. She knows me.

Alex: I had a dream about Gibbs.
Ellie: Uh, I totally get it. Was it the one where he tells you to grab your gear and then your gear is gone?
Alex: No.
Timothy: Wait, is it the one where he cooks you a steak, but it's raw inside, but you eat it anyway because he's staring at you.
Alex: No, not that kind of dream.

NSA: [to Ellie Bishop] T.S. Eliot was wrong. February is the cruelest month.

Donald: Well consider it a parting gift.
Jimmy: Parting gift? You going somewhere?
Donald: Indeed, I am. You can call it a globe trotting adventure.
Jimmy: But - you just got back.
Donald: [Small chuckle] . You have proven yourself more than capable, Dr. Palmer. I have no doubt that you will continue to hold the fort while I'm gone.
Jimmy: Sure, but you will be back, right?
Donald: Of course, and when I return in the new year, I shall have many more stories to relate.
Jimmy: That's great. What's the first stop on your vacation going to be? Something exotic - maybe the Pyramids, Great Wall of China? The Serengeti?
Donald: Mount Rushmore.
Jimmy: South Dakota - in the middle of winter. You are one in a million, Doctor.
Donald: True.

Nick: Hey, Gibbs, did you get Bishop's e-vite?
Leroy: What the hell's an e-vite?

Doctor: Oh! Wow! You don't know.
Delilah: [Long pause] Know what?
Doctor: You're expecting.
Timothy: [Delilah and McGee look puzzled] Expecting what?
Doctor: A baby.
[Long pause]
Doctor: You're pregnant - about 10 weeks.
[McGee faints]
Doctor: Oh!
[They both look at McGee, flat on his back - who, in spite of being unconscious, appears to be smiling]
Delilah: That's exactly how I imagined it.

Ziva: Don't be a wuss. Tell her how you feel.
Nick: What?

Maddie: But the good news, the blood results from the scene, it all belongs to our victim, Avila
Leroy: [Wondering] Passenger wasn't hit?
Maddie: Hmm, not unless he bleeds air

Timothy: I see how this looks.
Ellie: Bad.
Timothy: Well, what are supposed to do? We supposed to step in every time boss makes a move without telling us?
Ellie: This is different. I mean, the guy's car just got sprayed with bullets, and we have no idea why.
Nick: We can't do our jobs if we're always in the dark.
Timothy: Maybe he's trying to protect us.
Nick: From what? If we're in danger, wouldn't... wouldn't you want to know?
Ellie: McGee, you have to handle this.
Timothy: Yeah, I can't keep firing Gibbs.
Ellie: Just talk to him.
Timothy: All right, fine. But if I crash and burn, you two are coming with.

Donald: You can't expect me to determine a cause of death from a instant replay.
Leroy: Come on, Duck. You gotta give me something.
Donald: All right, I can confidently rule out quicksand.

Jack: The only other word that Gibbs could make was "notable".
Timothy: Notable? Torres has never used that word in his life.

Leon: What do you mean Ross seemed off?
Jack: Oh. It was sad. He seemed really scared.
Leon: You think he sent that package?
Jack: Not sure.
Leon: Sounds like there's a "but" in there.
Jack: Well, I did some digging. Ross has a checkered past.
Leon: How so?
Jack: He had some violent outbursts after his rescue in Iran; a bar fight in '85, road rage in '87. Fired from several jobs.
Leon: Sounds familiar.
Jack: Well, when he came back, they didn't have the same sort of psychiatric support system they do now. They barely knew what PTSD was back then.
Leon: So you think he may be unstable?
Jack: Uh, I-I don't know. Uh, I-I'd like to meet with him somewhere where he feels safe. Could get a better read.
Leon: All right, but do it quickly. There's a hold on all care packages to the military 'till this gets sorted out.

T.C. Fornell: Doesn't Gibbs have a rule against putting suspects together?
Timothy: He put them together because he knew they'd do all the work for him.
Leon: Doesn't even have to ask them a question.
T.C. Fornell: It's like I want to be mad at him, but I just can't.

Jessica: Wait, you don't think those kids are, you know?
Nick: Okay, Knight, I don't want to know.
Jessica: I'm just saying, maybe Vega...
Nick: I don't want to know.
Jessica: isn't the only one who's into older...
Nick: I don't want to know.

Donald: Does Gibbs suspect foul play?
Jack: Does he ever not?
Donald: Ah, good point.

Sam: [He addresses Parker and Knight as they enter the Interrogation Room] Well, welcome. Please come in, have a seat

Nick: Yo, my man. What about "stay put" don't you get?
Max: I'm not a dog.
Nick: I know, 'cause dogs listen, and if you don't, I'll try a different method.
Jack: [Nick holds up his handcuffs] Nick, is that really necessary?
Nick: Jack, teenagers are like raptors, okay? They smell fear. You have to stay strong.
[ushering Max out of the room]
Nick: Come on, move it. Come on.

Ellie: How do you guys know each other?
Phineas: Jethro Gibbs lives across the street from me. I slept over last night.
Nick: Why? Were you being punished?

Leon: Before the storm arrives, Gibbs, I just want to say I didn't know how exhausting politics could be.
Leroy: You're not even running yet.
Leon: Yet? Don't you start on me.
Leroy: Why not? I'd vote for you.
Leon: Why, Gibbs, that might be the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
Congresswoman Jenna Flemming: [entering] Oh, good. Gibbs, you're here.
Leroy: Yes, I work here.

Ellie: Where's Gibbs?
Jimmy: Talking to the CO. Now it's time for you to talk to me. Who do we have here?
Ellie: Well, Petty Officer Robert White. And I hope he's a fast talker.
Jimmy: Yeah, me, too. I have a whole list full of events planned for Dr. Mallard's last day.
Ellie: If you want to see him before he leaves, let's make this quick, okay?
Jimmy: Hey. You doing okay?
Ellie: Yeah. Just not a big fan of being underwater these days, you know, so...
Jimmy: Oh, that's right. And now you're basically trapped on a big, giant underwater coffin.
Ellie: Not helping.
Jimmy: Look, we are gonna be fine, all right? This baby is indestructible. And if anything were to go wrong with the boat, Bishop, good news, we'd be dead before you know it.
Ellie: Okay. So, it's times like these I'm really gonna miss Ducky.

Maggie: I thought you hated bow ties.
Dr. Donald Mallard: I do. they're impossible to keep straight.

Amy: [Tony is playing the piano and singing "Strangers in the Night"] You are very very good at that. Are you as good with that gun of yours?
Anthony: [sings] I never miss a shot/Even at high noon/How on Earth could petty/ Officer Muldoon?/It took him three shots/To nail that guy.
Amy: I don't think those are the words.

Donald: Well, he's been stabbed, but I would surmise that Captain Doblin's cause of death was asphyxiation from a crushed windpipe.
Special: Killer could've been dumping the victim's body when he got rear-ended.
Jimmy: Doctor, there's some mass in his lower abdomen, here.
Donald: Huh?
[feeling where Palmer indicates]
Donald: Oh, yeah, sizable. But it's too large for a kidney or gallstone and too regular for a fibroid. Well, I can't even speculate as to what that might be.
Jimmy: I can.
[taking his keychain out of his pocket]
Jimmy: It's my magnet, for hanging my keys on the fridge. Best gift I ever got.
[he hovers the magnet over the body, which then sticks to the mass]
Special: Look at that. That's a new one.

Nick: Rule #39 - No coincidences.
Ellie: Wait, you know the rules?

John: Hey, Tom, where's your box going to?
Tom: It's going to my wife's sister's youngest son.
John: Uh, what's your special touch today?
Tom: My wife made banana bread.
John: Nice. Did you get your new pictures yet?
Tom: [holding up said pictures] Yeah, sure did. Check it out.
John: It's too bad they couldn't edit all the ugly out of these, huh?
Tom: Hey, man, what you talking about? I look like Denzel Washington and Wesley Snipes rolled up in one.

Timothy: I went back to the doctor's this morning. She told me I have pseudofolliculitis.
Anthony: Is that a Mary Poppins song?

Leroy: I had a dream that I was her. I was trapped. I could not get out. Yet I believed there would be a savior. To the very end, I believed. But sometimes a savior never comes.

Leroy: It wasn't an overdose. She was drugged.
T.C. Fornell: I suppose that should make me feel better, except now I want my gun back.

Nick: Are you okay, sir?
Big: [Big Ed is a driver's ed instructor] I stare death in the face every day.

Jimmy: Ellie, it goes without saying but - this kind of stuff - affects me a lot more since becoming a father.
Ellie: I'm sure it does.
Jimmy: I mean this kind of evil in the world. people who will do this kind - how am I ever supposed to let Victoria leave the house?
Ellie: Pretty sure she'll leave the house eventually whether you let her or not.

Timothy: How many drinks do you think you knocked back last night?
John: A dozen, give or take.

Sadiq: Who are you?
CIA: A very angry mother with a short fuse.

Timothy: I read about these in NanoTech Today. It's a microfluidic chip that can run all kinds of medical tests from a single drop of blood.

Nick: He asked me to input the names from the ship's manifest into the system. So if anything pops up, then we get an alert.
Ellie: Oh, that's a good idea.
Nick: Yeah, it's a fantastic idea, except it's a misusage of my superpowers.
Ellie: Which are?
Nick: Kicking down doors, breaking through windows, a tango.

Edgar: Ow! What the hell?
Leroy: Take it easy, Edgar.
Edgar: Why? I didn't do nothing.
Alex: [seeing the damage to the front of Edgar's car] No, you did a lot.

Anthony: [with a British accent] Where are we off to, guv?
Leroy: Quantico. Keep talking like that, I'm gonna shoot you.

Abby: Dear noble eastern white pine, thank you for your brave sacrifice and Tony is very sorry that he attacked you with his knife. And we promise that we will find and punish the person that shot you.

Timothy: The Ice Cream Killer, Stuart Crum, got off on a legal technicality, and then was murdered.
Ellie: The man who killed Crum was an assassin paid from a secret account belonging to Secretary of Defense. We don't actually think SECDEF paid for the hit, do we?
Nick: I mean, it was his account.
Timothy: We still don't have proof that he was controlling it.
Leroy: [entering] So find some. Follow the money.

Leroy: Who are we looking for?
Timothy: Well that's the problem boss I have no idea. I have no idea if this even connects to our murder.
Nick: Rule 39.
Ellie: No such thing as coincidence.
Timothy: I agree but right now it's the only lead I got.

Joey: Wait. Someone stole the van that I stole?
Michael: You didn't dump the body?
Joey: You said there was going to be a second clean up. I was going to dump both bodies at once.
Michael: You had *one* job! Dump the body.
Joey: I was going to!

Jessica: With all the undercover agents and foreign spies, are there any students who actually go to Waverly?

Timothy: Your mom says the twins are already asleep.
Delilah: [Sarcastically] So that's all it takes- just a little shooting. We should do this everyday.
Nick: Sorry, but McGee, uh, hit the limit of how many people he can shoot in his apartment.
[Torres chuckles]
Delilah: What is he talking about?
Timothy: I do not know. But I packed your bag here. Ready to go to your mom's.
Delilah: *What* is he talking about?
Timothy: Not a big deal, all right. but a couple of years ago when you were in Dubai. There was a break-in here in the apartment and uh, I shot someone.
Delilah: *In* our apartment?
Timothy: Yeah.
Delilah: And you failed to mention this to me!

Anthony: I can't believe I called POTUS a wise ass.

Nick: You're the one who killed his buddy.
Lev: Boss, not buddy. Buddy shares his filet mignon. Boss makes you watch him eat it.

Young: [opens his going away present] You must be joking. Do I look like the bow tie type to you?
Young: Well it's time to update your wardrobe. You're a medical doctor, not Dr. Who.

Kasie: That bomb took out most of Judy's living room. How's she taking it?
Alden: Remarkably well. Said it gave her a reason to remodel.
Kasie: Wow, that Mama Fielding is one tough lady. If somebody bombed my place... on second thought, I hate my place. I wish somebody would bomb it.

Ellie: [to Gibbs, in Autopsy "confessional"] I started to see the man, not just the monster.

Amber: I already told those other agents what happened. And with the exception of the cutie with the accent, I don't think they believed me.

Timothy: You got to tell me. Where'd you get all that dough?
Nick: Man, I was undercover for a bunch of years. I never had to spend my own money. So I just kept stacking it up, baby.
Timothy: Oh.
Nick: So you're saying I'm good?
Timothy: Yeah, you're good.
Nick: Oh, yeah.
Timothy: [more to himself] The question is, am I?

Jimmy: It's sad when they come in so young.
Donald: It is indeed, but then you and I both know that all of life is a near-death experience. We must never cease to give thanks for the gift of today. Isn't that right, Jethro?
Leroy: [entering] I'll tell you tomorrow.
Donald: Well, if one is an incident and two is a coincidence, then three is most certainly a pattern. Like our Marine, these two died of double tap.
Leroy: Same technique, bigger weapon.

Jack: Doctor says she's undernourished and highly susceptible to illness.
Leroy: Spend your whole life locked in one room, you have no immunity.
Jack: Hmm. They're gonna keep her for a few more days, build her strength, run some more tests.
Leroy: She say anything else about where her mom is?
Jack: No. She's regressing by the minute. The more overwhelmed she becomes by this huge, foreign world, the more she retreats. Plus, what the doctors originally thought were bug bites on her arms and legs were actually burns.

Curtis: NCIS, again. Hey, McGee.
[seeing Abby]
Curtis: Hello, hello... hello. And you must be Carol's friend. Curtis Hubley. But you can call me anything you want.
Abby: How does "totally inappropriate" sound?

Kasie: So, this is the computer program I ran after making a super hi-res scan. If there is anything unusual, this thing will find it. It could find a flaw in Beyoncé.
Leroy: Did it?
Kasie: Beyoncé? No. Photo, yes. While there are no latent prints on the image, I found a partial print in the image itself. In the ink.
Leroy: Somebody touched it.
Kasie: Right after it was printed, just before the ink dried.
Leroy: Well, run it.
Kasie: I have been.
Leroy: Yeah, and?
Kasie: Still running.

Leroy: Somebody, give me something.

Paul: I know what you're going to ask and the answer is yes. I'd love to be godfather to the twins.
Timothy: What? No. No.

John: I know I shouldn't have gone after that idiot.
Jack: Hey, I don't... I don't blame you. I just want to talk about why. Why you did it.
John: 'Cause some nutbag's out there telling everybody that I killed a sailor.
Jack: John, you have a history of aggression.
John: I am not interested in talking about my feelings.

Leon: When, uh, Kayla's prom date came to pick her up, I debated having him meet me in the kitchen where I was gonna be cleaning my service pistol... And you know what? All I would have done was embarrass myself. And I would have embarrassed Kayla on the night that was supposed to be about her.

Carter: I knew I shouldn't have ignored that check engine light.
Jessica: He does know that minivans don't spontaneously combust, right?

Army: [to Gibbs] I was going to chew you out for not locking the door, but I see you have nothing here worth stealing.

Nick: There's gotta be a way to find out whose number that is.
Ellie: There is.
[Bishop dials the number]
Ellie: Uh, hello? Is anyone there?
Special: Bishop?
Ellie: McGee? Uh, are you okay?
Special: Please tell me I'm not hallucinating right now.
Ellie: You're not. Just tell us where you are. We're coming to get you!

Amber: You made it crystal clear right out of the gate that you didn't believe I was hearing voices. But then later, I could swear you seemed disappointed that I wasn't. Or am I wrong?
Leroy: Take care of yourself.
Mike: Well, probie, was she wrong? 'Cause hearing voices, seeing dead people, I don't know. Psychic seems like a better option than the alternative.

Abby: Do you feel violated?
Anthony: Yes, and not the way I like.

Timothy: Morning, Nick.
Nick: Hey, yo.
[he blows air and rubs his fingers together like starting a fire in the wild]
Timothy: Was that meant for us?
Ellie: Or did he have a stroke?
Nick: Excuse me.
Ellie: [he does the gesture again] The last man who made that hand gesture at me is now missing a hand.
Nick: What? It means "campfire".
Ellie: Then just say "campfire".
Nick: Campfire. Now.

FLETC: Notice how each agent focuses on a separate quadrant of the room. Protects evidence and maximizes resources. It's textbook police work.

Special: Congrats, huh? I heard you popped the big question. When's the big day?
Timothy: Well, we don't have a firm date yet, but we plan on saving money on the invitations just by telling *Bishop* and everyone will show.

Leroy: Grab your gear.
Anthony: I knew this day would come. Did you just hear about a body telepathically?
Leroy: It's not a body. It's a bullet.

Timothy: Ranger found the body about an hour ago.
Leroy: Witnesses?
Timothy: They canvassed nearby campgrounds, no one saw anything. Think this belongs to our murderer?
Leroy: Well, it's a shovel, McGee. It's-It's by a dead body. You tell me.

Timothy: About three months ago, a podcast host named Whit Dexter had John Ross on his show.
Ellie: An unwitting Ross assumed the interview was about the care packages.
Timothy: Dexter pushes insane theories he knows are false in order to gain listeners and advertisers.
Leroy: Yeah. I know who he is.

Ellie: Hey, how's Tony?
Timothy: Uh, about as you can expect.
Jimmy: Anything we can do for him?
Timothy: He made one request: to do what Ziva would do.
Dr. Donald Mallard: Find Trent Kort.
Timothy: And kill him.

Clayton: I heard about your family, Gibbs. And I am sorry for what happened to them, but that doesn't make you an expert on me.
Leroy: I didn't say it did.
Clayton: You got your memories. I was three years old when my parents died. I haven't got a clue how it feels to have somebody care about me.
Leroy: I'm not saying you do.
Clayton: This is how I am. Because this is all I ever was.
Leroy: I've got more than memories. Got the people I let in afterwards. I got the family I chose to make. You, me, Henry... all the same guys. You're just a few decades behind. Man, you lose everything, you make a choice: where to go from there. He made his choice. I made mine. What about you?

Jimmy: How about a donut, huh? Danish? Apple fritter?
Timothy: What? No bear claws?

Jimmy: [talking to a parrot in Abby's lab] Polly want a cracker?
Juan: Not Polly. Not Polly.

Timothy: You know, it's hard to imagine the same woman liking Fornell and this Eddie guy. Although maybe Diane liked him because he's not Fornell.
Senior FBI Agent T.C. Fornell: [enters behind him] Best leave the psychoanalysis to Ducky... if you value breathing.

Leon: Jack, I know you took this assignment as a favor to me. I appreciate it.
Jack: It's the least I could do, Leon. I owe you.
Leon: No, that was a long time ago, Jack. That debt's been paid.
Jack: No, it hasn't. Not even close.
Leon: Welcome to your new home, Agent Sloane.

Anthony: [texting Tim] Roast? Casserole? Pork chops?

Army: Hey, while you guys are here, you wanna buy some military stuff?
Nick: We work with the military.
Army: You wanna sell somethin' then?

Leroy: Spread out. Start looking, paw prints, bear scat, blood trail. Go.
Nick: And by scat, you mean...
Timothy: Does a bear scat in the woods?
Nick: Yeah, that's what I thought you meant.

Anthony: [leaving Autopsy] Clock's ticking.
Dr. Donald Mallard: Patience is a virtue, Tony.
Anthony: Not in the Gibbs-iverse.

Paul: Go get a towel before the blood stains my hardwoods.
Timothy: Is that really important right now?
Paul: It's 200-year old French oak. Just do it!

Ellie: You know, I can't imagine ever living out of a motorhome.
Abby: Ugh, really? I have always wanted to. I could get rid of my car, I'd get rid of my apartment.
Ellie: Technically, you'd still own a car and an apartment.
Abby: Huh. Way to just kill a lifelong ambition.

Ellie: Okay FAA and TSA have Mallory on a watchlist. Border checkpoints are on high alert. Still waiting on a list of her known aliases.
Nick: CIA has me on hold. Again.
Timothy: And no activity on her Internet accounts, and her cell phone is still turned off.
Nick: Yeah. Great. Can you send me those?
[hanging up]
Nick: The aliases are on their way.

Delilah: Nick, you are not emceeing our wedding.
Nick: All I'm saying is I can get the party started.

Ellie: Hey, we heard you were lurking around.
Anthony DiNozzo Sr.: Ellie, never lurking. Strutting, baby, strutting.

Leroy: You did the wrong thing for the right reasons. Never do that again. Been a long week, Torres. Late. Go home.

Anthony: [to Ellie Bishop, who is brandishing a baseball bat] What's going on? Is there a rumble between the Sharks and the Jets?

Jack: I wasn't sure how our personalities would mesh together.
Leon: So what changed your mind?
Jack: Like any agent worth their salt, I did a little recon on my subject.
Leon: Really? What did you deduce?
Jack: Let's just say I'm looking forward to a new challenge.
Leon: Well, you certainly picked one hell of a day to start. Big storm coming.
Jack: You have no idea.

Leroy: Wood shifts. Hard to keep an even surface.
Judge: Preaching to the choir. Anything beats synthetic lanes. Even if it means maintaining the wood's original shape.
Leroy: Original shape's a tree.

Jack: Well, I know exactly what I'm gonna do when I retire. Buy a beach bar. Surf all day, and margaritas 'till sun-up.
Nick: Oh, man, I can definitely get behind that.
Timothy: You surf, Nick?
Nick: I was talking about the margaritas.
Timothy: Ah.
Nick: But honestly, I, uh, I've never really thought about retirement.
Jack: Well, that definitely sounds like a surfer's mentality.
Timothy: Nick, you gotta get on that. I mean, I've been saving for my retirement since I was fourteen years old.
Nick: Oh, yeah, but you also have issues.
Jack: And that's my cue to leave. I was never a big fan of "The Odd Couple".

Dr. Cyril Taft: I remember we were short on Lidocaine that day, but lucky for him, not cheap tequila.
Mike: All the sawbones in the world and you get Chuckles the Clown. I'll bet this guy's a hoot at parties.

Leon: Agents McGee and Gibbs, I'd like to introduce you to...
Leroy: Special Agent Jack Sloane. Yeah, we know.
Timothy: We do?
Jack: [shaking hands] Uh, nice to meet you.
Timothy: Hi.
Jack: [Gibbs turns to leave] Nice to meet y-you, officially.
Leon: You have a minute?
Leroy: Nope.
Jack: Ouch. Looks like a "fool me once" kind of guy.

Donnie: I gotta admit I didn't see this one coming.
Nick: Well, that makes two of us.
Donnie: Though, in hindsight, it kind of makes sense. Your girlfriend was way out of your league. She's like a hard 10. You're like a soft 7.
Nick: Oh, she'll love to hear that.

Alden: Your fiancée will be available to walk down the aisle when she's 56.

Nick: Yo. How much did you tell Delilah?
Timothy: Delilah was so freaked out by the break-in itself, I had to leave out the part about killing a guy.
Nick: Another lie?
Alex: It's not a lie, Nick. It's an omission.
Nick: Oh, right, right. It's, uh, "family".
Timothy: Yeah, and it's Delilah. I mean, she was gonna fly home as is. I had to, you know, cover, so I convinced her to stay longer. Hopefully long enough to where I can get the walls and the floor fixed.
Ellie: You didn't tell her that, either?
Timothy: Again, why would I pile on the bad news?

Jane: Ernie never forgets a face. Or a dessert, or a Neil Diamond song.

Leroy: Same kind of dart as the one used in Corporal Beck?
Donald: Yes, the injection site was here. And Abby confirmed that the botulinum cocktail was once again the means to the end.
Leroy: Time of death?
Donald: Approximately 8:00 this morning, which puts the injection some time in the two hours prior.
[seeing Gibbs' expression]
Donald: Ah, there it is, the classic Jethro look of query and frustration, mixed with a dash of "someone is gonna pay for this."
Leroy: Two victims, same M.O. The only connection is she calls the hotline and the corporal picks up.
Donald: Precisely, which begs the question "What was that call about?".
Leroy: Precisely.
Donald: [to the victim as Gibbs leaves] Did you hear that? He used a three-syllable adverb. I daresay my years here have made an impact.

Ellie: Clearly, every case mattered to Ziva, but she kept investigating this one even after it was handed off, and you knew about it. So why was this case so important?
Leroy: The next time you withhold relevant information, you are gone.
Ellie: Gibbs...
Leroy: Rule ten. Get back to the office. Keep your head in the game.

Leroy: [spotting Jack in MTAC] Why is it that everywhere I go, you go?
Jack: Must be a coincidence.
Leroy: Rule 39: there's no such thing as coincidence.
Jack: I don't believe in absolutes. Something I can do for you?
Leroy: Yeah. Stop following me.
Jack: You have a rule about being paranoid, too?

Max: You're a doctor, right? Medical examiner?
Jimmy: A doctor for dead people, yes.
Max: Well then make sure Bobby doesn't become one.

Jimmy: I'm just familiarizing myself with showy lady's slippers, aka cypripedium reginae. It's Parker's orchid.
Jessica: Ah, does he want you to perform an autopsy or something?

Donald: It's a microscopic dart.
Leroy: Where'd it come from?
Donald: I extracted it from Corporal Beck's arm here. This contusion alerted me to the injection site. The dart is designed to be left behind, beneath the dermis. It's so small, sharp, and thin that it would've felt like... well, nothing more than a bug bite.
Abby: [entering] Botulinum toxin.
Leroy: What?
Abby: He didn't ask yet?
Donald: Mere seconds away.
Abby: My timing is off today.
Leroy: Abs, what was in the dart?
Abby: Now is when I'm supposed to swoosh in and say...
Donald: Botulinum toxin. The most poisonous natural substance known to man.

Leon: From the moment you first cradle your daughter in your arms, it is your lifelong job to protect her... Part of that protection is accepting the natural order of things. They grow up. You need to trust that you have given her all the tools she needs to start protecting herself.

[DiNozzo is reading the text conversations between Diane and her boyfriend, not seeing Fornell and Diane entering Abby's lab behind him]
Anthony: [chuckles] Abs, I hope you told Gibbs to come alone. Fornell's head would explode if he saw these texts.
Senior FBI Agent T.C. Fornell: Better get a mop!
[Tony freezes]
Diane: Tony, if you value your life, you'll turn off that computer *right now*!
Senior FBI Agent T.C. Fornell: Touch that CPU and I touch you!
Anthony: I can't hear you, I have a sinus infection. I have to go get my Neti Pot.

Paul: You got Hicks and I got 2 days out of prison, and boy am I feeling invigorated.
Clayton: You got shot.
Paul: It's still not the worst vacation I've ever had.

Ellie: Rule 20 - Always look under.

Anthony: The Iranians probably tracked the files, found Hassan, killed him, and now they're on to you.
Amanda: Now, you understand.
Anthony: Yeah, it's "Three Days of the Condor" except I'm Faye Dunaway.

Ellie: We need you to reach out to your contacts, and find out who's seeking these S-mines. We need locations on these people.
Agah: Yes, well I did some research of my own, dear heart. And I know that you're after The Calling, and The Calling's after the children.
Anthony: That's right.
Agah: [taps the folder Tony brought] My mother is flawed, but she's my own. And if you *ever* threaten her again, my response won't be civil. I'll help you. But your efforts were wasted. I would've helped you without payment and without blackmail.
Ellie: Why?
Agah: Women and children first. It was an absolute we could always agree upon. When babies are used in the wars of men... then God help us all.

Leroy: Palmer, don't you let him jump.
Jimmy: On it, Gibbs.
Leroy: [to Torres] And you, do not let him fall.

Whit: Gentlemen, you got three minutes before I'm back from commercial. My secretary says you're with CSI?
Nick: NCIS.
Whit: Whatever. What do you want?
Clayton: We're here to ask you a couple of questions.
Whit: Is this guy for real? Seriously? Of course you're here to ask me a couple of questions. You guys are cops; you came down here to see me. Out with it.

Donald: I have ascertained a more definitive cause of death for Ensign Tate.
Anthony: The prelim said it was blunt force to the quasimodo something.
Donald: Mm, the squamosal suture was in fact the culprit, Tony.

Ellie: I scanned through some of Ziva's journals, and she mentions a "basement confidant" quite a bit. She called him Mr. H, which stood for...
Jimmy: Happy as an oyster?
Ellie: Yes. But shouldn't it be "clam"?
Jimmy: It should. It should be "clam", yeah.
Ellie: It's about you, right? I had no idea you two were so close.
Jimmy: Eh, it must be something about being this far underground. You know, people feel safe, like they can really confide in me.

Jimmy: Happy Random Day, everybody!
Nick: You got a punching bag?
Jimmy: Yeah, those punches I landed at the Studio-Art Brawl of 2018 really got my juices flowing. I mentioned in passing I wanted to get one.
Kasie: Yeah. It's secondhand, but it's a beauty.
Jimmy: You know, I think I might take it home. I was gonna, uh, leave it down in Autopsy, but can you imagine the glare I would have gotten from Gibbs?
Leroy: [behind him] Oh, you're getting a pretty good one right now.

Alden: Does creating an even more powerful cypher sound like a bad idea to anyone else?
Delilah: Oh, it's a very bad idea.
Timothy: Which is why we're going to destroy the cypher immediately after we figure out who Watson was working with.
Delilah: And the rest of you are going to forget you ever saw this.
Jessica: That will not be a problem.
Nick: I don't even know what this is.

Abby: Come on down, Jimmy. Let's kick some epidemic butt.

Timothy: You had issues with Ethan Wynn?
Mrs. Belmont: He robbed me of giving my baby a wedding. Instead of an elegant ceremony, they eloped at the county courthouse.
[noticing his wedding ring]
Mrs. Belmont: You're married; you understand.
Timothy: I got married, uh, in my apartment, actually.
Mrs. Belmont: Rent or own?
Timothy: Rent.
Mrs. Belmont: Dear God.

Nick: He's my girfriend's son. He is too young for you. This is sick.
Ellie: Oh, and you're not too young for her?
Nick: That is different. I'm irresistible. She couldn't help herself.

Nick: Okay, so swans, they look like they're really nice, but you push their buttons, you know, those birds can go dark real quick. Mass shootings just make me want to go swan.

Agah: As much as I adore making new friends, I worry about losing old ones.
Anthony: Gibbs is tied up.
Agah: [to Bishop] What do you think?
Anthony: What do you mean what does she think?
Agah: I heard you, but I didn't like your answer.
Anthony: You don't like my answer or you don't like me?
Agah: Neither.
Ellie: Gibbs really is tied up. He sends his apologies.
Agah: You see? She dips it in sugar, and all of the sudden it tastes so sweet.

Liz: I think my husband's having an affair.
Anthony: [impersonating Nick Bodeen] Unbelievable. Guy would have to be nuts to cheat on a dame like you.

Jimmy: Now, judging by the size of the wound and the moss-like debris inside of it, I would say she was hit with a large rock.
Leroy: Time of death?
Jimmy: Between 3:00 and 4:00 a.m. the night she was abducted.
Jack: [clearing her throat] Sorry. Tickle in my throat.

Timothy: Please don't tell anyone.
Kasie: I would never tell anyone, McGee... but, they are detectives.

Anthony: [reviewing Mannheim's old band mates for possible suspects] Old drummer's dead... base player, dead... this guy's in jail... she joined a cult, nudist, now she runs a yoga studio in Hawaii... jail, then dead. The music business is terrifying.

Leroy: NCIS. What do you have?
Head: Facility's on lockdown. Two workers shot, one abducted at gunpoint.
Ellie: Who was taken?
Head: I've been directed to hold names until the families have been notified.
FBI: Yeah, well unless you want to be reassigned to the local mall, I would reconsider that.

Timothy: So, what's so shocking?
Ellie: Oh, Torres says he's got a handle on this mentoring thing.
Timothy: Yeah, that doesn't sound right.

Timothy: Whatever's going on, we need to know, no matter what it is.
Leroy: It's personal.
Ellie: Shooting at the diner, maybe?
Timothy: Yeah, we know about that. We're detectives. But once you talked to the judge, you made it about the case. The two have to be connected. Now, I get it if you don't want to tell us why, boss, but after all we've been through with you, you think there's anything you could say that would surprise us?
Leroy: I killed the man who killed my family. Deakin knows. He's using it against me to get me off this case.
[stunned, McGee starts the elevator again, and Gibbs gets off outside Kasie's lab]
Leroy: And don't ever follow me again!

Greta: [discussing "Pacific Clash 2"] It exploited gender stereotypes.
John: The lead female killed the bad guy!
Greta: With a lap dance.

[Tony's nicknames for Agent McGee]
Special: McCheat - McChittyChat - McContrary - McCranky - McDetail - McEgghead - McFlabby - McFlowerPower - McFreaky - McGarnagle - McGecko - McGeek - McGiggles - McGnome - McGoo - McGoogle - McGPS - McGruff - McGullable - McKilljoy - McLawyer - McLovin' - McMuse - McMotherboard - McNerd - McProbious - McRomeo - McScout - McShipmate - McSnapper - McSneaky - McSofty - McTardy - McTim - McZero
Special: Probie - Probalicious - Probie-Wan Kanobie - Daniel McBoone - The Great McOz - Elf Lord

Jimmy: The line-crossing ceremony is really quite fascinating. Did you know it's a sailing tradition that dates back over 400 years?
Nick: [not really paying attention] Fascinating.
Jimmy: You doing okay? You look exhausted. I mean, the bags under your eyes...
Nick: Bags? What bags? What're you talking about?
[looking at his reflection in a medical tray]
Nick: Ah... it's those damn kids, man.
Jimmy: They running you ragged, huh? I know you're no good with teenagers.
Nick: Why does everybody keep saying that? I am seasoned law enforcement agent. Nothing fazes me, son.
Jimmy: Where are your little mentees?
Nick: Up in the lab learning military strategy and combat tactics.
Jimmy: Oh. Wait, what?
Nick: Don't overthink it.

Timothy: Manual labor? His file says that he was a mechanical engineer who helped our forces defend against IEDs.
Alden: Now he's stocking shelves?
Jessica: Must have fallen into the credentials gap trap.A lot of refugees' degrees aren't recognized here in the States.

Nick: I don't get made, Director. With all due respect.
Leon: And Gibbs just told you to report to the hospital.
Ellie: Yeah but...
Leon: All due respect.
Ellie: All right. Let's go, Muhammad.
[Ellie and Nick leave the table]
Leon: [pause] Wait a minute, I'm Muhammad, right?

Timothy: The video game Killing with Kindness 3, you play as teddy bears who kill each other using glitter guns and rainbow grenades.

Leroy: What about our suspect?
Nick: Retired Marine Sergeant John Ross.
Ellie: He sends out care packages every day from his Legion Hall in Franconia, Virginia.
Leroy: Every day?
Timothy: Got him set up in interrogation whenever you're ready.

Kasie: My opinion is Jimmy's gone mental.

Timothy: Found this credit card receipt in your wallet. Bar tab for $120. Wow. So what's your drink of choice? Whiskey? Beer? Tequila?
John: Yes.

Whitley: What just happened?
Dylan: I think you killed Bambi.

Leroy: In the meantime, I sit here and wait.
Leon: That doesn't seem like a very wise use of time, Gibbs.
Leroy: Patient and stubborn. It's what snipers are. It's what we respond to.

Mrs. Victoria Mallard: To America? Where they mix bacon with syrup? Have you lost your mind?

Anthony: [carrying in a miniature teapot] I still think you could have gotten away with pretend tea, Dad. I don't think she would know the difference.
Anthony: But *I* would know, Junior.
[to Tali]
Anthony: What does Daddy know about making tea anyway?
Anthony: Please don't... please don't call me that.
Anthony: Why not? Embrace it, son! This kid is a DiNozzo all the way.

Donald: Perhaps I should've brought bigger crayons.

Jack: This is insane. I've never been audited in my life.
DOD: Well, if it makes you feel better, it wasn't just you. Agent Gibbs' entire team was sloppy with their expense reports.
Ellie: What?
Timothy: Wait, what?
Ellie: We're being audited?
Nick: Did you think I was organizing my receipts for fun? No, that's something that dorks who build their own computers do.

Timothy: Laptop is mightier than the sword.
Diya: You must be McGeek.
Timothy: [chuckles] Haven't heard that in a while.
Nick: Yeah, maybe we should bring that back.

Timothy: Listen Nick, Jimmy's going be down here any minute okay? We gotta keep this quiet.
Nick: I mean didn't even know this ninja. But this is like the biggest news of my *life*. ZIVA DAVID IS FREAKING ALIVE!
Jimmy: [Crashing sound. Palmer rises] I'm sorry- I- uh, come again?
Timothy: Jimmy, um...
Jimmy: I dropped a pippet and I was- I was cleaning it up and I heard you come in. And I - I didn't say anything. And you guys were talking, and I didn't know what to do. And then you said the thing about *Ziva* and - and uh my ears heard it. And now uh, I think I need to sit down.

Kasie: Man, I don't know what I walked into, but if Awkward and Uncomfortable got married and had a baby, this would be his sister.

Nick: Why didn't you tell me?
Leroy: Tell you what?
Nick: That Max was Agent Girard's son.
Leroy: Why would I?
Nick: Well, because I would've acted differently. I would've... would've done something else.
Leroy: It shouldn't matter who he was. That's the point, Torres.
Nick: Was this some kind of test?
Leroy: You're damn right.
Nick: What do you want from me?
Leroy: This is your mess, Nick. You clean it up.

Donald: No, that can't be right.
Leroy: [entering] What can't be right?
Donald: This man's core temperature is 62 below zero.
Leroy: How, Duck?
Donald: Well, I don't know.

Ellie: Any word from Helen's captor?
Leroy: No, negative.
Ellie: I mean, it's been 24 hours since she was taken. Shouldn't a ransom have been made by now?
Leroy: I don't think this is about ransom.
Timothy: Boss, BOLO came back on Helen's car. Park ranger spotted it near Lake Drummond.
Leroy: Okay.
[to Bishop]
Leroy: Get the first helo out. I want you and Torres back in D.C., ASAP.

Leora: Get lost, Marilyn.
Nancy: Yeah, this one's ours.
Roman Parker: Ladies, please, there's enough of me to go around.

Ellie: A network of vigilante justice?
Timothy: No matter how many times you say it out loud, it still sounds like every comic book ever.
Nick: Everybody likes superheroes.
Ellie: Superman doesn't hire hitmen, Nick.
Nick: Yeah, but he takes down criminals that the system can't catch.
Timothy: Yeah, but he also leaps tall buildings in a single bound, so let's stick to reality here.

Army Lt. Col. Hollis Mann: Don't make me go above your head.
Leroy: Hollis, my boss is right here.
Leon: Keep me out of it.

Retired: I helped you catch that murderer last year in the woods. I'm practically an agent.
Leroy: No, you're an accountant. Last year in the woods, you fell off the trail and you got Fornell shot.
Retired: God, I wish you didn't have such a good memory.

Leroy: Captain, you have an unexplained death on your boat. I'd like to think you'd be a little more curious about what happened.
Navy: You got a lot of stones to stand on my bridge and insinuate I don't care about what happens to my crew.
Ellie: All due respect, a Navy SEAL died on a routine training exercise, and no one can explain why.
Leroy: We'll have full access to your crew, and we'll start with Petty Officer White's diving buddy.
Navy: Agent Gibbs, I understand that you have a job to do.
Leroy: We do. And the full authority to do it.
Navy: But let me make myself perfectly clear. If either of you interfere with the operations of this boat, I will fire you out of that torpedo tube myself.
Leroy: [amused laugh] I wish you luck with that.

Nick: [Reading one of the many Post-its McGee has left behind] "We're running low on Post-Its, remember to restack"

[McGee drives Delilah to what looks like an empty field]
Delilah: Okay, this is weird, kind of creepy. Why is there a wheelchair in the middle of that field?
[McGee does not answer, he just checks his watch. A few seconds later, Freddie - a disabled former Marine who runs a skydiving school in spite of being paralyzed below the waist - parachutes onto the field, landing right beside his wheelchair]
Freddie: Whoo, bulls-eye! Seven out of ten!
Freddie: Be right over, Agent McGee!

Jimmy: Now, I know it seems like some people have it much easier while others have it much rougher, but, uh... I think it's safe to say that there's no one who's had a tougher life than Agent Gibbs.
Timothy: [entering the squad room] How does it sound? Reception still good?
Ellie: Shh.
Jimmy: Believe it or not, his wife and his young daughter were both killed on the same day. But you never hear him mention it. No, he just... buries himself in his work. And he builds boats in his basement. He'll kiss Abby on the forehead once in a while, but h-he's not exactly a hugger, you know. At least he's never hugged me. We all rely on him so much. That man has the weight of the world on his shoulders. You'd never know it. I really worry about him. But a... as tough as Gibbs is, on my darkest day, when our adoption fell through, Ryan... I lost my kid. Gibbs was the one who comforted me most.
Jimmy: Take it you heard.
Leroy: Mm-hmm.
Jimmy: Yeah, she, uh, she saw the baby and just... I guess she felt the same way we felt when we first saw him. Can't fault her for that, right?
Leroy: You should go home.
Jimmy: I will. Yeah, Breena and I, we just wanted to get all this stuff out of the house, you know. We wanted to give it back as soon as possible.
Leroy: We?
Jimmy: Me. She's hurting, too, but she, uh... she is so much stronger. She's ready to try again. And, uh... and me, I feel like I can't breathe. I've never felt this bad in my life, Gibbs.
Leroy: Ah. Just wait until it's 3:00 in the morning and your kid's running 104. You're just getting started.
Jimmy: No, that's the point. I'm not starting. You know? And... maybe I never will.
Leroy: Well, then fight for it, Palmer. That's what you do. You fight for your family. And sometimes you fight like hell just to have one.
Jimmy: You want me to fight? I feel like I just went ten rounds with Joe Louis.
Leroy: Do you want to be a dad, Palmer? Because right now, this is being a dad.
Jimmy: Maybe I'm not ready.
Leroy: You wouldn't feel the way you feel right now if you weren't ready.
[return to present]
Jimmy: And Gibbs was right. The best advice I've ever gotten. Hugs or no hugs, I... I will never forget his kindness that day. He cared. And Ryan, as tough as your father was, I'm sure if you think about it, you think of many times where he was just as kind.

Ellie: The old diamonds in a shark tank trick, huh? Didn't I see that in a movie once?

Leroy: [re: Vance's father-in-law] Talking to Jackie, I always got the impression he was dead.
Leon: Only to us.
Leroy: Anything I can do?
Leon: [shakes head] It's a personal matter, Gibbs.
Leroy: Okay. Anything I can do?
Leon: [smiles] Thanks, Gibbs, but I got this.

Ellie: Leading cause of anxiety, six letters, ends in "s".
Nick: Gibbs

Timothy: [looking at the door lock] The keypad's got four slots, ten numeric options, I'd say 10,000...
Nick: [Kicks in the door] I hate math
Timothy: Yeah, but you love kicking down doors
Nick: Yeah

Clayton: He wasn't lying when he said the information about John Ross and the poisoned cookies was all over the Internet before he reported it.
Ellie: We've been trying to find the original source, but...
Leroy: There are no "buts", Bishop.
Timothy: Boss, we've been looking, but it's like searching for a needle in a haystack.
Clayton: More like hay mountain.
Ellie: We'd need to comb through the entire Internet to find the first post describing the murder that all the others piggybacked on.
Leroy: [frustrated] There's a dead sailor. There's a vet being framed. God. Find the source.

Alden: Frat parties have changed since I was in college.
Jessica: I'm guessing a lot has changed since he was in college.
Timothy: Guessing you didn't mean to say that one out loud, huh?
Jessica: You guessed correctly.

Timothy: This place is amazing. Delilah and I came here last month for their "Game of Thrones" theme night. I went as Ser Jorah, she went as Khaleesi, Mother of Dragons. Mother of Dragons, mother. Get it?
Nick: What the hell did he just say?
Ellie: I'm not your nerd whisperer, Nick.

Jack: I see a lot of anger hiding behind that happy face of yours. Bottling up what happened to you is dangerous. You get that?
John: And how would you know?
Jack: 'Cause it happened to me, too, okay? Nine months. They wanted Army intel. I never said a word. Screamed a bit.
John: I'm... I'm so sorry.
Jack: I don't know if you had this, but it was like... they kept moving me around. So I-I didn't know how long I'd been there or where I was.

Timothy: Look, I'm sorry. I didn't know you'd react like this. I apologize. Let me make it up to you, all right? Buy you a beer or something.
[McGee opens his desk drawer, a bloody hand pops out from the open cabinet. McGee jumps back startled]
Jimmy: No, I think we're even.
[Sloane chuckles]
Jimmy: On second thought, *almost* even, Agent McGee.

Alden: In other words, this cheese stinks.
Jessica: I was gonna say "It's no gouda".

Lamar: Something the other night woke me up.
Christopher: Yeah, what time was that, seven?
Lamar: Shut up tool. I look out the window. Girl that got in the car never got out.
Dwayne: Somebody in there with her?
Lamar: Yeah, but I can't recall what he looked like. Maybe Andrew Jackson could help me remember.

Young: Is that the phone company?
Young: It's their website, yeah.
Young: Wait. Are you tunneling into their backend servers?
Young: Yup. I figured out a way to make long-distance phone calls for free.
Young: Oh, my god. Do you know how much money we could make?
Young: I just want to be able to call my dad when he's on deployment.
Young: I hear you, but... do you know how much money we could make?
[showing McGee a framed picture of his father]
Young: Do it for your dad, and the extra pocket change.
[he executes the command; a power line outside blows up, and the power goes out]
Young: Oops.

Kasie: Heather Richardson is a genius.
Sam: That's exactly why she wasn't my type.

Alex: [at the crime scene] Well, my mom always said "If you're not careful, you'll end up face-down in the mud somewhere."
Timothy: I always thought that was a figure of speech.
Alex: [meaning the victim] Tell that to him.

Anthony: I'm sure you hear this all the time, but Stradivarius, that's an interesting name. Like the violin?
Alexandria P.D. Karen Stradivarius: Yeah, but don't even think about playing me.

[first lines]
Tommy: Thought you were making him a Christmas cake.
Audrey: Well, who says Christmas can't be patriotic? Besides, they were all out of green.

Leon: Headquarters can certainly benefit from a skilled forensic psychologist such as yourself.
Jack: Well, I go where I'm needed. But I have to say, I was hesitant at first. This office does have quite the reputation.
Leon: Oh, really?
Jack: Yes. Every week, I would hear a new story about a certain hard-to-handle agent who crossed some line, but I'm sure that's just pure urban legend.
Leon: I'd say it's 50/50.
Jack: Yikes.

Timothy: Andrew Townsley?
Andrew: Who wants to know?
Nick: [showing their badges] NCIS.
Andrew: Use context clues, idiots. Can't you see I'm not in the Navy anymore?
Timothy: [sarcastic] I'm sure they're reeling from the loss.

Timothy: It's just occurred to me that rules number 3, 8, 36, and 40 are the same thing. And with two rule #1s and two #3s, I'm starting to question that these are honest mistakes. Is Gibbs making up these rules as he goes? Do all parents?

Alden: The beer guy's name was...
Billy: Moron Mike.
Alden: Moron Mike. You'd take his beer when his back was turned, remember?
Billy: He'd scream, "Hey that kid stole a beer!" and he'd put his cart down and then chase me.
Alden: And twelve guys would help themselves. Best part is he fell for it every time.

Anthony: I didn't know you smoked, I know you started the fire on the bus, you're hell bent on not getting out of France, what's going on? What are you up to?
Amanda: Nothing
Anthony: I'm a federal agent, I know when people are lying, that's all you've been doing, you want to see Amir an Iranian cabinet maker, everywhere you go people die, I'm wanted for murder, I don't think you're a Navy brat party girl, you're a spy working for the Iranian government, am I crazy?
Amanda: Half crazy, I am a spy, Amir works for me and I work for the same people you do

Jimmy: Here's the deal, Austin. You're a boy, soon to become a young man,and with that comes certain responsibilities, especially regarding soon-to-become young women.

Timothy: Did you do the non-scalpel method or with the scalpel?
Leon: Both.
Timothy: Why did you do it twice?
Leon: My boys went down swinging.
Timothy: Oh my, wow, how did you find out it didn't work the first time?
Leon: When Jackie got pregnant with our son.
Timothy: Jared was an oops?
Leon: Yep, best mistake we ever made.

Joseph: You'd like to know where your purple heart is, don't you? Well I'm not gonna say a damn thing till I get a root beer.

Admiral: I'd watch your tone, Agent Gibbs. I don't think Sec Nav would appreciate NCIS treating an admiral like a criminal.
Leroy: Oh, we already talked to Sec Nav.
Army Lt. Col. Hollis Mann: Uh hmm.
Leroy: How did she phrase it?
Army Lt. Col. Hollis Mann: Uh, "Nail the son-of-a-bitch."

Congresswoman Jenna Flemming: Naturally, they all claim to fully support the bill, but this makes three times now that they've postponed a vote on it.
Leon: Wow. Duplicitous backstabbers on Capitol Hill. Who'd have thunk it?

Diane: Jethro, what the hell am I doing? I feel like I drove into a ditch, towed my car out, and then drove right back in again.
Leroy: Oh God, please don't make me do this.

Kasie: I know I said you could have your tip line transferred down here, but that was before I knew Gibbs sent you home.
Ellie: Yeah, but the woman on the phone might have the location of Robert Hill's uncle.
Kasie: Uh-huh. What do you think Gibbs is gonna do if he sees you down in my lab working, as opposed to at home regretting your life choices?

Timothy: We don't have all the records on SECDEF's account.
Ellie: And our bailiff hitman's not talking. No wife, no friends, no social media. He's a breathing dead end.
Leroy: He has a boss, Bishop. Start with him.
Ellie: Judge Deakin. On it.

Timothy: I can't waste anymore time.
[McGee gets down on one knee]
Timothy: Delilah,
[McGee pulls out a ring.]
Timothy: will you marry me?
Delilah: [Delilah nods] Yes.

Timothy: Murder is murder.
Nick: I agree.
Timothy: And we need to find out who is controlling this network.
Ellie: I agree.
Timothy: So we all agree. So what's the problem?
Ellie: The problem is... where is Gibbs? I mean, there should be three cups of coffee in the trash by now.
[holding up the empty trash can]
Ellie: Zero cups.
Timothy: Yeah, and how often do we get this far into a discussion before he appears behind...
Nick: [McGee looks around suspiciously] See, that's why I didn't say anything, 'cause as soon as I did... okay.
Timothy: Yeah, this is weird.

Ellie: What punch could land hard enough to cause an epidural hematoma to the squamosal suture?
Anthony: Show-off.

Leon: Your challenge coin.
Wynn: I had new ones made up when I was appointed for the job five years ago.
Leon: Highest rank gets free drinks at the bar. There's only one coin higher than this.
Wynn: Supposed to give 'em out as a sign of respect and admiration. This is my first.
Leon: I don't know what to say.
Wynn: You tracked the missing funds to Judge Deakin. Meaning NCIS has officially saved my ass, again.
Leon: We just did our job, sir.
Wynn: Anything you need, Leon, you call me.
Leon: Sir, I...
Wynn: Leon. Anything.

Nick: Slim Tim? Tiny Tim? I'm close, huh?
Timothy: If you must know, I was The Timinator.

Nick: How am I supposed to stick this to Palmer if I can't even get close?
Timothy: Okay, in the Boy Scouts, they have a saying: be prepared. I am prepared with a plan "B".
[he leaves and returns with a broom in hand]
Nick: Huh? We're gonna tidy up?
Timothy: No. We are going to attach this mini mic to the outside of the burger box, and push that to Jimmy.
Nick: Well, what happens when they grab the burgers and they chuck the box?
Timothy: Jimmy never litters.

Leah: Listen Tony, you're clearly somewhere else, and I'm starting to think that I should be too.

Navy: John Ross? Yeah, I-I know him.
Leroy: How?
Navy: The guy's basically Santa Claus for sailors. I mean, ev-everyone knows who he is.
Leon: Did Petty Officer Sweeney ever mention that he talked to Ross before he received the care package?
Navy: I don't think so. I heard a rumor we aren't gonna be getting boxes anymore.
Leon: We're working on it.
Navy: It's just that morale's been pretty low ever since Sweeney died. We could all use a little something from home.

Jimmy: Our petty officer drowned. No doubt about it. Aside from the water in the lungs, there's also signs of a subcutaneous emphysema. That's what happens when the air gets trapped in the tissue here.
Timothy: Any idea how that happened?
Jimmy: That is the million-dollar question.
Kasie: [entering] I have a buck-fifty answer.
[to Nick and McGee]
Kasie: You two. Answer your phones much?
Nick: Oh, I must have missed it.
Timothy: Sorry about that.
Kasie: Gibbs always answers. If that techology hater can manage to...
Timothy: What's up?
Kasie: One ring. Just saying.

Nick: I thought you said he was a saint.
Beverly: I said people thought he was a saint. But that guy... was the devil.

Diane: And you have no idea who I am! You overgrown armed Smurf! I need to see Agent Gibbs and I need to see him NOW!
Metro P.D. LEO: You're going to have to wait.
Diane: All right officer 960. Thank you...
Leroy: [Entering] Whoa. Whoa!
Diane: Very much, Mr. Wilson.
Leroy: What's going on?
Metro P.D. LEO: You know this woman?
Leroy: My ex-wife.
Rebecca: [Entering] Hello, J.
Metro P.D. LEO: And that one?
Leroy: ...Also my ex-wife.

John: My problem isn't what happened to me over there. I've... come to terms with that. It's the life they took away from me over here.
Jack: What... what do you mean by that?
John: I had a girlfriend when I got sent to Iran. She was more than a girlfriend. She was... she was really special.
Jack: What was her name?
John: Clara. A few weeks into the mission, before we left base, I got a letter from her saying she was pregnant with our child. And, uh... I was thrilled. My life was all lined up. And I was gonna ask her to marry me the second I set foot back on American soil. But then... everything changed.

Kasie: I was told not to waste your time.
Leroy: Who told you that?
Kasie: Everybody.

[Gibbs and DiNozzo storm into a hotel room with guns drawn, to find...]
Anthony: That's funny. That looks your ex-wife.
Senior FBI Agent T.C. Fornell: [emerges from the bathroom, dressed only in a towel] Champagne first, and then a little...
[sees Gibbs and DiNozzo aiming guns at him]
Senior FBI Agent T.C. Fornell: Well, tie me up and call me Loretta.

FBI: I make it a point to never question PHDs wearing dog collars.

Timothy: Had a conversation with Torres earlier and it kind of made me fidgety.
Jimmy: Oh, don't listen to Torres. He probably read that clickbait horror story online about the guy with the weird complication.
Timothy: What-what guy with the weird complication?
Jimmy: I wouldn't look it up.

Leroy: If the world were perfect, it wouldn't be.
Dr. Cyril Taft: Is that... did you just quote Yogi Berra?

T.C. Fornell: Leave the tip, take the pancakes.

Timothy: You know, I wasn't sure what I was expecting, but it definitely wasn't this. Wow.
Alex: Welcome to motocross, McGee! This is fun stuff.
Timothy: This is not fun. This is every mother's worst nightmare.

Leroy: Good coffee here. Keep both hands on the table.
Mallory: I'm not here to fight. I'm here to turn myself in. Figured this was as good a place as any.
Leroy: Get up.
Mallory: [he handcuffs her] I screwed up. Tell Leon this was just business.
Leroy: [leading her out] Tell him yourself.

Jimmy: Forget that gurney, I'm going to need buckets.

Eleanor: Hey, how's Gibbs?
Timothy: Uh, I'm not sure. He said, "There's more to life than the job."
Eleanor: Gibbs said that?
Timothy: Yeah, like Invasion of the Body Snatchers.

Jimmy: Every job has its ups and downs.
Ryan: Yeah, I was just starting to feel like I was up when they canned me.
Jimmy: Hey, at least you were up, right? Something better will come along. It always does. When one door closes, another one opens. And, uh... it... it's always darkest before the dawn. And... and they define success by going from one failure to another failure...
Ryan: Hey, what is this, man? Is this, uh, self-help karaoke?
Jimmy: Honestly, I got a million of these. I could do this all night long.

Alden: The director pulled me off media duty.
Timothy: How'd you manage that?
Alden: We did a test run with the P.R. department and I told them that we were a stone's throw from solving the case. And then I vowed to turn over every stone until we found the killer. But now you're telling me, not only do we have a killer to find, we also have a country's national treasure to recover, so...
Timothy: Two birds, one stone.

Tobias: OK, we're good. Cameras are disabled.
Nick: Who taught you so much about electronic surveillance?
Tobias: Youtube.
Nick: Who taught you about Youtube?

Leroy: What about the drugs in Allston's system?
Nick: According to Kasie, it's some kind of, uh, synthetic combination of halluciogens and stimulants.
Hayley: It's called a tri-shot. Well, at least that's what the kids at my school call it.
Blake: Mine, too.
Nick: Why are you not with Agent Ventura?
Blake: She went to look for Max. He wandered off again.
Leroy: Torres, go find him.
[to Hayley and Blake as Nick leaves]
Leroy: You two, keep talking.

[first lines]
Navy: Said lightly season those home fries, Edmonds. Last batch tasted like you used the entire spice rack.

Dr. Donald Mallard: [Bishop has IDed the victim] Did you say Lt. Commander Runyon Hayes?
Leroy: Do you know him?
Dr. Donald Mallard: Jethro, I need a word with you.
[Ducky leads him a few feet away]
Dr. Donald Mallard: I'm afraid I must recuse myself from this case.
Leroy: I don't follow.
Dr. Donald Mallard: Well, because I know far more about this man's murder than I care to admit.

Leroy: Who sneaks up on somebody like that?
[Asking as he puts away his gun, while Fornell gets in the truck]
T.C. Fornell: Who plays dead and doesn't call me?

Jimmy: How does a U.S. Navy SEAL drown during a routine dive?
Leroy: That's a good question.

Leroy: You all right?
Dr. Donald Mallard: Are any of us? I mean, it's information overload. One could pull a muscle trying to digest it. First Ziva, and now a child?
Leroy: Not a typical day.
Dr. Donald Mallard: Is that really all you have to say?
Leroy: Keep your eye on the ball, Duck.
Dr. Donald Mallard: Jethro, I know that Trent Kort is our primary goal, but we cannot lose sight of Anthony, and the enormity of what he's going through.
Leroy: We're not.
Dr. Donald Mallard: Good. Family first, Jethro.

Timothy: Kobayashi Maru was a training exercise on the Enterprise. It's a lose-lose scenario. No matter what choice you make, you're not gonna win.
Ellie: That's cheating.
Timothy: It's supposed to build character.
Ellie: By cheating?
Timothy: Look, Bishop, all I'm saying is you shouldn't feel bad about this. Nobody passes this training exercise. Not me, not Tony, not Captain Kirk, well technically Kirk.
Ellie: What about Gibbs?
Timothy: Gibbs? Oh, he passed.
Ellie: How?
Timothy: He's Gibbs.

Anthony: I really enjoy our lunches. But you shouldn't always pay.
Anthony: Dad, I have a job, you don't.
Anthony: Don't remind me. Retirement isn't all it's cracked up to be. I was hoping I could help out around the office.

Kasie: So, uh, this photo was on your dashboard while you were being shot at. You wanna tell me who this man is?
Leroy: The print, Kase.
Kasie: Well, it's a partial print, which greatly increases the number of potential matches. But the odds of getting an immediate hit on any print are...
[her computer chirps]
Kasie: Huh. I got a hit.
Leroy: You got a name?
Kasie: [displaying the result] It belongs to CIA officer Mallory Madden. Isn't that...
Leroy: Director's ex-girlfriend.
Kasie: Well, the director's ex-girlfriend tried to kill you.

Mrs. Victoria Mallard: Who's the tramp?
Young: Mother!
Peg: Hello, my name is...
Mrs. Victoria Mallard: Tramp will do until proven otherwise.

Jack: Hey, there. Can I help you?
Max: No.
Jack: Uh, okay. Uh, let's try this one: who are you?
Max: Max.
Jack: Oh, sorry, you must be one of the essay winners. I'm Agent Jack Sloane.
Max: You're new here, am I right?
Jack: Not exactly.

Jimmy: Wow. So all those places you've been, all those years you've travelled, you were looking for your brother.

Timothy: What? You read a book on disarming bad guys?
Ellie: Three older brothers!

Abby: Now shoo, I have to get back to work.
Anthony: "Shoo" said the Sciuto. Okay, well then I guess I won't be able to tell you the middle name McGee's been holding out on us.
Abby: Farragut.

Leroy: We leave at dawn, get you some medical attention
Navy: I'm fine. Docs aren't going to grow me a new hand.
Nick: Damn, and I thought I was tough

Delilah: Well, now I'm worrying for a whole new set of reasons. Like what else aren't you telling me?
Timothy: Nothing.I'm not hiding anything from you at all. No, I swear. Scout's honor.
Jimmy: [Palmer enters] So - is it - is it just the one or did you find another mummified body under the bed?
Timothy: Okay, hang on. Hang on. I might've failed to mention there was also a mummified body but...
Delilah: Mum...
Timothy: HANG ON. We have bigger fish to fry. Like finding out why this guy tried to lure me out of the apartment and what was he after.

Leroy: I was getting coffee.
Leon: And since you didn't get one for me, I'm gonna assume that this isn't a social call.

Timothy: How did you know about the poison?
Whit: You got any real questions?
[nodding to Gibbs in the corner]
Whit: Gary Cooper over there got anything to say?
Timothy: [standing to leave] You know what? Been a real pleasure, Whit.

Abby: Gibbs, Gibbs, Gibbs! I cracked the suspect's cell phone! There are *boatloads* of juicy texts on there from him to Fornell's ex-wife. I mean this stuff is kinkier than 50 Shades of Grey. You have got to come see this!
[realizes who is in the squad room]
Abby: Fornell... Ex-Wife... Daughter...
[laughs weakly]
Abby: Oops.
[Fornell races to Abby's lab]
Diane: [chasing after him] You get back here or I will smash every computer in that lab!
Abby: [chasing after her] Don't you touch my babies!
Emily: [to Gibbs] Can I apply for asylum?

Diane: What's with the attitude?
Eddie: I dunno. Maybe it's you were sleeping with your ex-husband while we were dating.
Senior FBI Agent T.C. Fornell: Hey... the man has a point.
Diane: Oh, you guys are buddies now?
Leroy: Yeah, we're thinking of starting a club.

Timothy: Jimmy, what happened to your hand.
Jimmy: Oh, funny story. Did you know that epidurals don't work on 5% of patients? I sure didn't.
Donald: I had to improvise on my pain management.
Timothy: You broke his finger?
Jimmy: She sure did. Two actually. It was worth it.

Ian: With Allston's body headed to NCIS, what kind of timeline are we looking at?
Leroy: 'Til we get a cause of death, your ship's in a holding pattern, Commander.
Ian: Mission deadlines aren't my concern, Agent Gibbs. It's the safety of my crew. If there's a murderer on board, I want him found. What can I do to expedite things?
Leroy: We'll need access to the entire ship. Including Petty Officer Allston's quarters.
Ian: Well, the Master-at-Arms sealed off his rack and foot locker this morning. I'll see to the rest.

Jesse: I'm afraid I've got more bad news.
Kasie: Are you gonna tell me the professor was actually a cylon this whole time?
Jesse: No, but I still haven't found any sign of the missing cell phone or the person who took it. There's nothing in this apartment.
Kasie: Frak!
Jesse: So say we all.
Kasie: Oh, a fellow Battlestar fan? Well, I knew I liked you better than Agent Hanna.
Jesse: He's not a fan of sci-fi?
Kasie: He's not a fan of subtlety! I show him *one* email from DoD, and he storms out of here and arrests McGee. No questions asked.
Jesse: I'm pretty sure a lotta questions were asked. It was an interrogation.
Kasie: Of a fellow agent?
Jesse: Look, Agent Hannah was doing his job.
Kasie: He can do it somewhere else, because Sam Hannah is not allowed to set foot in this lab *ever* again.
Sam: That's gonna be a problem.
Kasie: [pause] Let me call you back.
Jesse: [laughs] Copy.

Clayton: Aren't we all going a little overboard here? Triff is *one* man. I mean, how bad can he be?
Jimmy: He expertly dismembered three human bodies with a carving knife in this very room while eating Chinese Take-out.
Clayton: Um, I'll give you a hand.

Ellie: Edward Kane, 45. Worked at the Defense Payroll Service at DOD.
Leroy: Bean counter.
Ellie: Been missing since Thursday, and Jimmy says he's been dead for about four days.
Leroy: McGee.
Timothy: Boss, I don't know the name, I've never seen this guy before in my life.
Ellie: He knows you, or at least your password.
Timothy: Unless it's a coincidence.
Ellie: Do you know the odds of a 19-digit string randomly matching your...
Timothy: 9,000,652,000 to 1, yes.

Leroy: What are you doing here?
Anthony: What am *I* doing? Wh-what are *you* doing? What are *we* doing? Is anybody *here*?
Leroy: Ah, DiNozzo...
Anthony: What do we know? What are the facts? 'Cause we don't assume, we verify. Do we know she's dead? 'Cause if we know she's dead, we're going to get him!
Leroy: Yeah, she's dead and we will get Kort. Us, not you.
Anthony: Oh *yes*, me! We've lost agents before, haven't we? And when we do it's
[slams hand on desk]
Anthony: [shouts] all hands on deck!
Leroy: She's more than an agent to you.
Anthony: She was a *daughter* to you! She was a sister to McGee and Abby, and she was no more to me than anybody!
Anthony: Well, that's not true.
Anthony: [shouts] Yes it is! And *why* are you following me?
Anthony: Come back home, Junior.
Anthony: *No!*
Anthony: I can't!
[Tony cries]
Anthony: You need time.
Anthony: I need to know what happened.
Anthony: You *need* to breathe.
Anthony: I'll breathe when Trent Kort is *dead!*
Anthony: But not like this. Just for tonight. Get your bearings, son.
Leroy: Listen to him. He's right. Go!... or go for good
Anthony: [whispered] What?
Leroy: I'm not asking. We got this.
[Tony cries]

Ellie: [about Melanie's painting of Gibbs and Bishop] You made me look like a total badass. This is pretty awesome. Thanks.

Leroy: Update. Go.
Timothy: Actually, boss, before that...
Leroy: [seeing them crowded around his desk, he stands to leave] Nope.
Ellie: What does he mean "nope"? Wh... we didn't say anything.

Sierra: I didn't expect the Spanish Inquisition.
Stafford: Nobody expects the Spanish Inquisition.
Sierra: Just when I thought you didn't have a sense of humor.
Stafford: Excuse me?
Sierra: Monty Python.
Stafford: Is that your C.O.?

Timothy: I pulled this bad boy out of the mothballs last week, see if I could get the twins started on computer science early.
Ellie: Well, it's a really nice design.
Timothy: Well, the twins had other ideas. Morgan threw up on the CPU and Johnny peed on the hard drive.

Donald: He's dead, Dr. Palmer.
Jimmy: Yeah, I noticed, when I removed his spleen, he didn't complain.

T.C. Fornell: We all have voids, my friend. You know, Gibbs, you and I, we're like twins. We've both lost jobs. We've both lost wives. More than one. And now I've joined your club--by losing a kid.
Leroy: [Shaking his head and fighting down emotion] That's not a club.
T.C. Fornell: It's not a club that I would ever sign up for. What would they even call it? I mean, you lose your parents, they call you an orphan. You lose a spouse, they call you a widow. But you lose a child, and there's nothing to call you. There is no word for it. That's how bad it is.

Ellie: Victim is Navy Reserve Captain Jeremy Doblin. It's his car.
Special: Who was driving it?
Ellie: No prints. Driver was probably wearing gloves.
Special: And not much of a physical description from the witness.
Special: "It was, like, a guy. I think." That's all she could give us.
Ellie: She pretty rattled?
Special: Oh, yeah, but, uh, not about the accident. Metro ticketed her for, uh, driving and texting and we took the cell phone into evidence.
Special: She almost had a stroke.
Donald: [entering with Palmer] It's called nomophobia. As in "no mobile phone" phobia. It's quite common. And a sad reflection on our ability to disconnect, to use the parlance. In fact...
[he's interrupted by a ringing phone]
Ellie: Sorry. Thought that was on vibrate.

Nick: And I actually think I might be able to explain it. Kasie ran her blood, and her thyroxine levels are through the roof.
Donald: Thyroxine?
Nick: It's a hormone produced by your thyroid gland. Also known as T-4. Too much can lead to headaches and memory loss.
Donald: Violent outbursts?
Nick: At the extreme levels that we found? Yes.
Donald: Are you telling me that Lieutenant Donohue stabbed her husband because her thyroid is out of whack?
Nick: Well, not quite. We also found a T stimulant in her blood, and it's not natural. It's synthetic, like a, like a pill or an injection.
Donald: What, is she taking something?
Nick: Well, she says no. And if that's the case...
Donald: Someone's drugging her?
Nick: And I think I know how. She was having trouble breathing when she came down, so I took a look at her lungs. They're clear, but the X-ray showed me this. At first, I thought it was a birth control implant, but the lieutenant said she didn't have one. In fact, she's never had an implant of any kind.
Donald: So how the hell did it get there?
Nick: No clue. But by the way her T spiked and then went back to normal so quickly, I suspect this implant is the cause. Now, I suggest getting it out of her immediately, before something else happens.

Judith: Sheriff Walt deputized us. Guess who's got a new set of handcuffs.

Jack: Whoa. Hell of a car, isn't she?
Nick: She ain't a car. She's magic.
Jack: Huh. Kohl was definitely good at spending money.
Nick: He was good at making it, too.
Jack: Ooh. Do I detect a note of jealousy?
Nick: Jack, I knew the guy, okay? We were equals once. I mean, friends, even. But the guy wasn't smarter than me or better than me.
Jack: Do you think that he's better than you now?
Nick: Oh, I never said that.

Jimmy: Sorry I'm so busy, Dr. Mallard. The timing on this couldn't have been worse.
Donald: Dr. Palmer...
Jimmy: I know, I know. I said I'd stop apologizing.
Donald: Well, then stop.
Jimmy: I-It's just that I had a-a speech planned, and there was a-a slideshow in Kasie's lab. Oh, and cookies.
Donald: Yeah, well, this three-page letter and all these parting gifts, it's more than sufficient. And I'm leaving NCIS, not the planet.

Marine Lt. General Joseph Clark: So you can appreciate why DOD's top priority is to recover that missing laptop as soon as possible.
Alden: And NCIS's top priority is justice for Lieutenant Lantz and his eyeball.

[repeated line]
Special: Grab your gear.

Bob: You guys the cops?
Ellie: Uh, yep. NCIS.
Bob: Well, if you want my advice, I'd look into her.
Clayton: Why would we do that?
Bob: You see this place? You think a petty officer's salary paid for it? No. James' parents, my brother and his wife, they had money.
Emma: Get out of my house.
Bob: They died in a car crash six years ago, and they left everything they had to their boys. She never had any interest at all in James until they were dead.

Meredith: You always start your morning in a bar?
Christopher: This is New Orleans. It might be daylight, but the evening's still young.

Leroy: DiNozzo? Oh good, you're here. I just got a call saying that an NCIS Agent died in a car accident.
Anthony: That's awful. Who?
Leroy: You!

[last lines]
Timothy: If it's okay, I'm going to come in tomorrow and tell the others what happened.
Leroy: Whenever you're ready, Tim.
Timothy: Boss, would you mind sitting with me?
[Sirens and hospital voices can be heard in the background]

Ellie: Are those heated tiles in the bathroom?
Rachel: Along with gold-threaded shower curtains and a self-cleaning toilet.
Ellie: Wow. I am never using my bathroom again.
Nick: Oh, wow, really? You don't care about cars, but that toilet, wow, that just puts you over the edge?
Ellie: Okay, can you focus?

Abby: So, the bad guys used a jerry-rigged cell phone as a detonator.
Nick: Prepaid burner, untraceable?
Abby: That word is blasphemous in the house of Sciuto. Like John Paul Jones said...
Nick: Ramble on.
Abby: No, no, the other John Paul Jones. "I have not yet begun to fight."
Nick: I don't doubt it.
Abby: Seriously, Nick, you got to promise me you're gonna be careful around these dudes. You're lucky to be alive.
Nick: Abby, luck has a funny way of evaporating when you need it. If this bomb was meant to kill me, it would have. They wanted me alive.
Abby: Why?
Nick: Well, that's what I intend to find out.

Young: So, what's it gonna be next year in college? Gonna go for the big leagues?
Young: I was actually thinking about majoring in writing. What do you think? Pretty crazy?
Young: I think it's a great idea, but it's not me you need to worry about.
Young: I know. "Son, every McGee since the last millennium has gone into the Navy."
Young: You should just tell him no.
Young: Chloe, he's not exactly the guy who takes no for an answer.
Mister: Maybe you should listen to him. Well, I'm just judging by what I hear your English teachers say, and how well you did in the talent show last year.
Young: Thanks for the encouragement?
Mister: I'm just saying that talent is a real thing. Not everybody has it. You should find out what you're good at, just do that.

Navy Cdr. Peter Josephson: You think you got problems? I'm back in Mosul, Ace, as in Iraq. I'd rather be stuck in an elevator with Justin Bieber than back here.

Anthony: It's funny, Keith Richards seems to remember everything, but Mannheim said that after he got out of rehab, he could barely remember his own birthday, much less what happened to his agent.

Special: Hey, I talked to Accounting. They heard what you did and they said they would be happy to take the basement... as long as you promise not to hurt them.

Timothy: We're doing the bonding thing as much as possible, you know, we're doing the baby-wearing and singing to them for hours every single day, but it just doesn't feel like enough.
Paul: Well it never will. All you need to do is love them. Everything else will work out. You'll see.
Timothy: Thanks.
Paul: Plus, my parents never bonded with me and I turned out just fine.

Sheba: Can I talk to someone else? What's that other agent's name, McGoo?

Nick: Your mom said you were at camp.
Richard: Yes sir, Camp Pendleton. I'm a staff sergeant there.

Jack: Why on earth would she kill someone, stash the murder weapon in her fridge, and then call the cops on herself?
Leroy: Why are you asking me? Nuts is your department.

Chief: It was a by-the-book dive. This shouldn't have happened.
Leroy: How well did you know Petty Officer White?
Chief: He'd only been board a few days. But I could already tell he was a bit cocky. You know how SEALs are.
Ellie: Cocky enough to make someone want to kill him?
Chief: You NCIS guys always go straight to that.
Ellie: Well, it's kind of our job.
Leroy: You just said it shouldn't have happened.
Ellie: Except it did, and we're not ready to rule anything out.
Chief: All I meant was White was a highly-trained diver, so something must've gone wrong. Like maybe with the equipment.
Leroy: Okay. Aside from White, who had access to his dive gear?
Chief: His dive partner. And... me.

Nick: Level 2?
[Kasie puts up the NCIS BriefCON on her computer screen]
Nick: Fifth Grade Science or Lower?... Okay, I'll take that.

Leon: Why did he stop teaching?
Jessica: Totaled his car a few years ago, busted his head open. After that, he informed the university that he was no longer fit to teach
Leon: No arguments here

Denny Johnson A.K.A Nerdy Man: Three weeks ago, I thought my father was a firefighter killed in the line of duty, until I found my mother's diary in our kitchen...
Mannheim: He still lives with his mother? I want a D.N.A. test!
Anthony: Abby's already run it. Congrats, it's a boy... sort of.

Donald: The captain suffered a crushed parietal bone, which killed him instantly. Poor fellow literally never saw what hit him.

Nick: Well, on the bright side, at least there's no pigeons. They must have, uh, flown south for the winter, I guess.
Jimmy: Actually, pigeons don't fly south for the winter, Agent Torres, but I appreciate your bright side.
Ryan: Hey, how long's he gonna be there?
Jimmy: My guess? As long as we stay here.
Ryan: Unbelievable. I can't even kill myself without messing it up.
Jimmy: In your defense, I'm the one that messed this one up, so don't go blaming yourself.

Nick: Ah, it's Ginger and Mary Anne. Welcome back. How was your three-hour tour?
Alex: I have never been so happy to see these orange walls.
Ellie: All right, the ship wasn't that bad.
Alex: Huh? What? Maybe to you. I was in the freezer. My body temperature still has not gotten back to normal.

Leroy: Update.
Ellie: I left you a couple of messages this morning. Is everything okay?
Leroy: Car trouble. Update.

Sampson: I only ran to keep up with appearances. The fake punches were a great touch, though.
Anthony: Those were real punches.
Sampson: That's funny.

Timothy: Do you know this man?
Molly: John? Yeah. He comes in here every day to send out those packages of his.
Timothy: You ever talk to him?
Molly: [awkward laugh] Yeah.
Nick: What does that mean?
Molly: Well, if I'm being completely honest, I think he's got a bit of a crush on me.
Nick: Really. And why do you say that?
Molly: He thinks I don't notice, but John always lets people budge him in line until my station's free.

Timothy: Hey, what's up?
Nick: We have a problem. I followed Gibbs last night.
Timothy: Uh, that's a "you" problem. He's not gonna be happy about that.
Ellie: He went to the judge without telling us.
Nick: Why is he cutting us out?
Ellie: I don't know, but it has to do with the shooting at the diner.

Daniel: You think you've won. But manipulating your legal system will be child's play for a man of my talent. And I know children who could...
[Tony shoots him in the leg. Daniel falls to his knees with a scream]
Anthony: Was that a threat? It sounded like a threat. I had to defend myself.
Daniel: [managing a smirk] How did that feel, Tony? Did you enjoy the rush? The power?
Anthony: You're not a Bond villain, Daniel. You're a fraud, and frauds don't get to speechify like Bond villains. They do get to die like them.

Nick: Oh, okay, this is not how I pictured Anderson Kohl living.
[spotting something]
Nick: Oh... my god. Check that out.
Ellie: Yep, it's a car.
Nick: No, you don't understand. This car is worth more than both of our salaries combined.
Ellie: No way. Really?
Ellie: I still don't care.

Anthony: Still here, Borin? Admit it, I'm growing on you.
CGIS: Like a barnacle.

Leon: That was the warden from Lee Penitentiary. Apparently, your walk included a visit with Matthew Rousseau. You mind telling me why?
Leroy: Just following up.
Leon: With your pen stuck in his hand?
Leroy: Is that where I left it?

Juan: Don't tell Gibbs. Don't tell Gibbs.
Leroy: What was that?
Abby: What was what?

Ellie: [fiddling with her burner phone] It's like I'm living in 1997.
Clayton: I know, right? It took me, like, ten minutes to text "Hello".
Ellie: How does Gibbs live like this?
Leroy: [entering] Very well, thank you.

Timothy: Is he implying that I'm the good cop?
Nick: Yeah. That's what he saying. He's saying very nice cop. And that you look good in that jacket, because I can see a little spark in his eyes.
Timothy: [McGee puts Daly in an arm lock and slams him against the interrogation table] Are you saying I'm the good cop?
Ivan: [Screaming in pain] Get him off me!
Nick: Y-Yeah, I- I would but you know, he's - he's actually scaring me.
Ivan: Okay, I know a place! Just get off me! God!
Timothy: [McGee releases him, and tosses him a pen] Good. Write it down! Use your *good* hand!
Nick: Damn! All right. Next time, I hold *your* leash.

Travis: Miss Sciuto.
Abby: Bad guy.

Jimmy: You've seen "Goodfellas".
Donald: Yes. That was one compelling movie. Actually, I saw it with Gibbs.
Jimmy: Really? Gibbs sees movies? Like, made after 1957?
Leroy: What's your point?
Jimmy: Whoa. That was an impressively quiet entrance.

Nelson: [waving vaguely] Um, I think they left.
Nick: Who the hell are you?
Nelson: Under arrest, I think. One minute this officer busts me for smoking a joint, the next he handcuffs me to this bench and takes off on his horse.
Nick: Why?
Nelson: I'm pretty sure they were chasing someone, but...
Nelson: I am kinda high.

Anthony: Please give me a second chance.
Leah: Here's my email.
Anthony: When can I see you again?
Leah: Never. I just really want to know how this case you've been talking about for the last hour turns out.

[about laws changing over time]
Special: Politicians have their time table, I have mine.

Timothy: [to Abby] That was Tony checking in. You know, he didn't even call me a McNickname, so I know he's really worried about you.

Nick: That was crazy.
Ellie: Butler give you anything?
Nick: No. No, but, uh... you know, he stayed in character the entire time. You got to admire that kind of discipline.

Secretary of the Navy Sarah Porter: Then who do you suggest does make the exchange? They said no cops. Have you looked in the mirror?
[looking at Gibbs]
Secretary of the Navy Sarah Porter: You look like an MP,
[looking at Fornell]
Secretary of the Navy Sarah Porter: you look like a Fed,
[looking at DiNozzo]
Secretary of the Navy Sarah Porter: and you look like Sonny Crockett.
Anthony: Don Johnson or Colin Farrell?

Leroy: You want me dead? Here I am.
Judge: Want you dead? This have something to do with this photo? He doesn't look like he died of old age.
Leroy: You want to judge me, Judge? Man up. Do your own dirty work.
Judge: Man up? Like you did? You put your thumb on the scale and created justice where there was none, and made the world right.
Leroy: No, not even close.

Annie: You're the one with the guns and the big biceps.
Nick: Well, they're a decent size.
Annie: I've held lots of arms. Yours are more than decent.

Timothy: I want to know if there are any additional surprises I should be expecting. Any more occupants in the apartment?
Paul: Well if you expect them, they won't be surprises now, will they?

Timothy: Boss, we can set up a command post downstairs...
Leroy: No, there's no time. The squad room's three blocks away. The kid blames himself. Let's go find out who killed his dad.

Ellie: So, what are we supposed to say to Gibbs?
Timothy: Um, nothing.
Ellie: We're just gonna ignore this?
Timothy: As opposed to?
Ellie: I don't know, talk to him? I mean, you had the guts to fire him.
Timothy: And I lived to talk about it. You think I'm gonna push my luck?
Ellie: So no one is gonna confront Gibbs?
Leroy: [entering] About what?

Donald: The French do see arrogance as a virtue, so you'll be welcome there.

Anthony: [to Bishop] Jake knows you carry a gun to work.

Leroy: This is my rifle. There are many like it. This one is mine. My rifle is my best friend. It is my life. I must master it as I must master my life. My rifle without me is useless. Without my rifle I am useless.

Dr. Patton Hartgrave: If you aren't afraid to look too dorky, I could show you around.
Nick: It's impossible for me to look dorky.

Nick: Kaise, you have to help me out. I got to stash them somewhere so I can get some work done.
Kasie: Okay, you know what? That sounds like a Torres problem, not a Kasie problem.
Nick: You think I don't have anything better to do, huh? Than to babysit annoying wannabe teenage agents?
Kasie: [behind them, Max loudly chews a potato chip] Where did he come from?
Max: Break room. Thanks for the cash.
Nick: What cash?
Max: [tossing Nick's wallet to him] Your snack machine sucks.
Nick: Okay, the wallet swipe, that's my thing. And you owe me sixty cents.

[Abby confronts King in a cafe]
SGM: I got a flight to catch. Looks like our rematch will have to wait.
Abby: Oh, we're not finished here.
SGM: It's a stalemate. You haven't got a move to make.
Abby: I made my move before I sat down. Slipped some cyanide into your coffee before the waitress gave it to you. Enough to kill you... I mean, not immediately, but within the hour.
SGM: [smirks] A for effort, sunshine. Now, you're not capable of killing anyone.
Abby: Kate... Jenny... Dorneget... Ziva... Reeves. I am tired of my hero friends dying while villains like you get to live. Everyone has their breaking point and this was mine.
[King's breathing becomes shallow, and he starts coughing]
Abby: Airway constriction. It's one of the first symptoms. Shortness of breath, dizziness, chest pains... you'll be in full cardiac arrest in, like, ten minutes. I mean, unless you happen to have some hydroxocobalamin on you...
[produces a small red pill in a plastic bag]
Abby: Like this. Confess, and you get to live.
SGM: You're insane.
Abby: [smiles coldly] Sometimes you have to get your hands dirty to get the job done.
SGM: [coughing] Fine! I hired Marshall to take you out, but just you! Your friend wasn't part of the plan! Satisfied?
Abby: [gets up from the table] You may not deserve to live... but I would *never* stoop to your level.
[She tosses him the bag, and he grabs for the pill]

Anthony: [answering the victim's phone] Hello? You first, who's this?
Anthony: Come on, stop being a wise-ass, who is this?
Anthony: Yes, sir. Hold on for a second.
[to Gibbs]
Anthony: You better take this, boss. It's the President... of the United States... of America.

Nick: Stella's coming home with me.
Jessica: Stella.
Timothy: You name your cars?
Jessica: Okay, let me guess. Old sweetheart?
Nick: My very first. First girlfriend, first car. Yeah, I saved for like two years to buy that car and on my way to Stella's, I get t-boned by a pizza delivery truck.
Alden: Why don't you just name the car Domino?

Leroy: Got to be exhausting, keeping your lies straight, pretending you care.
Whit: I could say the same to you.
Leroy: How do you even look in the mirror in the morning?
Whit: Usually with my eyes.
Leroy: What's Layla think about this?
Whit: Don't talk about my daughter.
Leroy: Do you ever think what school must be like for her? She's got a dad like you. Hell of a burden to carry.
Whit: Don't talk about her, pal. A man's family is a line you do not cross.
Leroy: Well, you've crossed that plenty. What's life gonna be for her when she hears her father is a murderer?

[Last lines]
Leroy: I wanted to see if you were still up for a challenge.
Ellie: Why?
Leroy: I'd like to keep you around. Joint Duty Assignment.
Ellie: What?

Leroy: We sure that Sweeney's care package was sent by Ross?
Ellie: Contents are consistent with the packages he sent in the past.
Nick: And not to mention his pictures.
Leroy: [looking closer at Ross' ribbon rack] That's the Prisoner of War Medal.
Timothy: Yeah, Ross was held captive for five years in Iran after being taken during the raid on the U.S. Embassy. He was on duty as a Marine Security Guard.

NCIS: Well, I just thought that two trained agents against one sleeping RV owner were pretty good odds.
Nick: They are.
NCIS: So... let's move in.
Nick: See? That's why we should never be partners.
NCIS: Why not?
Nick: Because you can't have two attack dogs. Someone's got to hold the leash.

Leroy: Okay, what do we know? Update.
Ellie: All right. Our dead burglar, Louis Cole, 37, was paroled two months ago from Haynesville Correctional Center after serving three years for transporting narcotics.
Alex: Drug offenses, a few assaults, but no burglaries on his rap sheet.
Leroy: First time for everything.

Leroy: So you called me?
T.C. Fornell: I figured I could count on you for the shortest lecture.
Leroy: Bourbon, Tobias?
T.C. Fornell: I barely cracked it. It was mainly the beer I had with dinner mixed with the pain meds that I still take for when you shot me in the ass.

Leon: You're asking me to allow a movie star to interrogate a serial killer?
Alden: Yes.
Leon: And you think that's a good idea?
Alden: No, but it's the best bad idea we have.

Jerry: Conveniently, I was born without empathy.

Alex: She didn't slug him. You owe me 5 bucks.
Leroy: Understanding ex. Imagine that.
Alex: Left behind some scorned women, huh, Gibbs?
Leroy: I have no comment.

Leroy: Hey. Where are we? Street surveillance on the mailbox?
Nick: No luck. Small town. No cameras nearby.
Timothy: We're still gathering a list of veterans who helped pack boxes at Legion Hall.
Nick: And so far, no connection to the victim.
Leroy: Gotta connect to somebody somewhere.

Walt: Kindly remove your size sevens and let Taj do his job.
Nick: It's a size eleven, pops.
Walt: Yeah, keep dreamin', kid.

Leroy: I gotta go.
Jack: No problem. I'll just wait outside 'till a tow truck comes.
Leroy: Why? Stay as long as you need to.
Jack: You're gonna leave a complete stranger alone in your house?
Leroy: Yes.
Jack: I could rob you blind.
Leroy: [tossing her the keys] Lock up when you're done.

Leroy: Doctor said rest.
Kasie: I am resting. Watch as I deliver this fantastic news in a very calm manner,

Diane: I was trying to call my boyfriend, Eddie.
Senior FBI Agent T.C. Fornell: Well that's funny. It sounded like you said boyfriend.
Diane: Well ex-boyfriend now. I was calling to break it off.
Senior FBI Agent T.C. Fornell: While I was in the bathtub? You had a boyfriend while I was in the bathtub?

Young: [seeing Tim's new tap shoes] Wow. Pretty sharp. And expensive-looking.
Young: Well, I worked all summer for 'em.
Young: Selling free long-distance would've been an easier way to make a buck.
Young: Easier way to go to jail.
Young: Well, that summer gig was worth it. You look great.
[he does a short dance]
Young: Too bad you suck.
Young: Please. They don't call me "Timothy Soft Shoes Savant McGee" for nothing.
Young: You're the only one who calls you that.

Nick: I didn't ask for this. I wasn't cut out to be a teacher.
Leroy: You are scared.
Nick: I don't get scared.
Leroy: Stop holding back when something is not familiar.
Nick: Because you know everything, right?
Leroy: A student's failure... is a reflection of their teacher.

Anthony: Our victim's got three ex-wives, and not one of them wants to come down to ID the body.
Ellie: And the one I spoke with wants to know where to send a "Thank you" note.
Leroy: [Gibbs enters] I have no idea how to relate to that.

Jack: Style is cyclical. I have to notice these things in my job.
Leroy: Are you some kind of decorator?
Jack: No. I wish. Maybe in a past life. In this life, I'm a doctor.
[taking a sip of coffee]
Jack: Mmm. And what do you do?
[before he can say anything]
Jack: No, wait, wait, wait. Let me guess. You are a... carpenter. No, no, I got it. You... are a cowboy.

Anthony: Palmer, that's a bun, that's an oven. Do the math.
Jimmy: Oh... Oh!

Leroy: Keep your friends close... and the crazies even closer,

Leon: Six years ago, an up-and-coming shock jock accused me of running a money laundering ring out of the Navy Yard.
Nick: Dexter reminds you of him?
Leon: Dexter is him. His claims about me were so outrageous, they never caught any mainstream attention. But over the years, he's learned.

Jimmy: [DiNozzo hands Jimmy a basket of baby shower gifts] Thank you, Tony. Let's see, uh, industrial grade earplugs?
Anthony: Those are going to come in handy. Babies are loud.
Jimmy: Bottle of Bordeaux and um, a hundred dollars in cash.
Timothy: Tony, those are terrible gifts
Anthony: Never knock the DiNozzo parenting method. I mean, look at how I turned out.

Anthony: Why the long face on McGee? Dial-A-Fruitcake mess up his order again?
Abby: I don't know, something's wrong. He gave me the finger when I came in.
[Tony and Bishop both look shocked]
Abby: [quickly holds up her index finger] The-the "one minute" finger, not the bad one.

Clayton: [entering Gibbs' house] Gibbs, tell me you've got him. Where is he?
Leroy: Hello, Reeves. I'm guessing you lost Henry.

Leroy: Ryan. The guy who hit your dad - road rager. He didn't like being cut off. He'd have come after your dad's car no matter where he stopped.

Special: Are you finished?
Special: No, I haven't even started yet.

Leroy: Rule Number 6: Never say you're sorry. It is a sign of weakness.

Ellie: Still no suspects for Captain Doblin's murder, but I spoke to his C.O. He confirmed there's botulinum toxin stored in Doblin's office.
Special: Anything missing?
Ellie: Yeah, but apparently, it's not an easy thing to smuggle out.
Special: Doblin didn't do it the easy way.
Ellie: But Gibbs, there's more toxin missing than Ducky found. A lot more.

Senior FBI Agent T.C. Fornell: [to Gibbs] You shot me. In the caboose. You owe me.

Jack: When I showed up at your house the other day, you knew who I was the whole time, didn't you?
Leroy: Not the whole time.
Jack: How long did it take?
Leroy: About thirty seconds.
Jack: Ouch. What gave me away?
Leroy: Flashed your license like a cop does a badge.
Jack: Mm.
Leroy: And Ducky mentioned there was a new forensic psychologist coming in from California.
Jack: So why didn't you call me out right then?
Leroy: I wanted to know what kind of person you are.
Jack: Gonna take you a long time to figure that out.
Leroy: Yeah. We'll see.
Jack: We'll see.

Lyle: [about Gibbs's house] Nice place. Looks like one of those make-believe houses that they used to nuke in the desert in the 40's.

Leon: Mallory doesn't usually miss her target.
Leroy: Yeah, I've seen.
Leon: Then why are you still breathing?

Anthony: You're perfectly aware that Gibbs is capable of eating you, right?
Jimmy: It's a recurring nightmare - yes.

Donald: I pulled the records of your six vigilante murder cases, and I discovered an intriguing connection.
Leroy: What kind of connection, Duck?
Donald: These six murders span four states, each in a different city, each in a different jurisdiction with different judges. However, on closer inspection, each of these four judges have something in common. They all clerked for one man.
Timothy: [Ducky shows them a photo] Judge Deakin.
Ellie: A federal judge running a vigilante network?
Nick: We can't prove anything.
Leroy: No, not yet. Keep digging.
Ellie: [watching him leave] Okay, where is he going now?
Nick: Damn good question.

Juan: Don't tell Gibbs.
[Gibbs takes the cover off the birdcage]
Juan: Uh oh.

Navy: [hitting a target at a firing range] Whoo! I win again.
Navy: No way. Sweeney, you're a sandbagging son of a... I'm not paying.
Navy: Yeah, are we even sure it hit the target?
Navy: Oh, it hit the target, Cooper. Pay up.
Navy: Ah, you must've messed with our sights, man.
Navy: Sure, the sights. Yeah, that's the problem.
Navy: Hey, how about double or nothing?
Navy: You want to give me all your money, that's fine.
[as he raises his rifle, his vision blurs; as he collapses, his rifle fires and misses the target]
Navy: Well, well, well. Looks like you're not such a hotshot after all, huh, Sweeney.
[seeing him on the ground]
Navy: Sweeney. Sweeney!

Leroy: Hey, Quinn, keep fire down below. We can't risk spooking this kid while Palmer's hanging onto him.
Alex: Okay, Gibbs. Yeah, you got it.
[hanging up]
Alex: Um, excuse me. Uh, Lieutenant? I'm gonna have to ask you not to go up there.
Fire: Excuse me?
Alex: Yeah, crazy, I know, but Navy interests.
Fire: But that's a city building.
Alex: Yeah, I know that, but that's one of our team members up there, and if he dies, you're gonna be dealing with the whole U.S. Navy.
Fire: [pause; into his walkie-talkie] Engine 52 to all units. Stand down for now. Wait for my command.
Alex: But if you have one of those big bags... you know, just in case.
Fire: [to his team members] All right boys, let's get the air bag prepped.

Jessica: Gage, where are you?
ISB: [being chased by a bear] Not a good time, Jess!

Anthony: We know the girl is involved
[Tony draws a stick figure with boobs]
Timothy: Tony, I think you may have gone a little overboard with you're stick fugure's non-sticky parts.
Anthony: Well how else are you supposed to know that it's female? Unless she starts nagging me about what a bad date I am.
Delilah: Um, long hair?
Ellie: Skirt.
[Tony adds long hair and a skirt to the stick figure]

Jimmy: You alone?
Timothy: Yeah, why? What's wrong?
Jimmy: [sighs] Nothing, aside for the fact that you're alone. There are so many fresh faces in the building, I was kinda hoping that one of them would might want to stop by.
Timothy: Or... you could talk to my face, since it's already here.
Jimmy: And it is a lovely face, Tim, but it can't invite me to Hawai'i or Los Angeles.

Abby: [hanging a banner reading "Greatest boss in the world" behind Gibbs' desk] What do you think?
Special: I think that Gibbs cannot be bribed.
Abby: I'm not trying to bribe Gibbs. I'm just... politely asking for his help.
Special: [entering with Bishop] Help with what?
Abby: Oh, Gibbs' makeover inspired me. I'm ready for a change, too.
Ellie: Hey, don't fix what isn't broken.
Abby: Oh, no, I don't mean me. It's my lab. I mean, I have enjoyed a decade-plus of being below sea level, but I just imagine this view that doesn't include people's... bunions.
Special: She wants to swap offices with Accounting.
Abby: I put in a request. But Accounting got wind of it, they staged this huge protest, and Human Resources denied.
Special: And you think Gibbs will help.
Ellie: Because there's nothing he likes more than HR drama.
Abby: No, I know. That's why he just needs to be... properly motivated.

Emily: [to Fornell] And you! How could you do this to me?
Senior FBI Agent T.C. Fornell: Honey, no one is doing anything to you. Your mother and I are just... wait a second. How exactly do you know about... your mother and me?
Emily: I know everything. I put a keystroke logger on both your Facebook accounts.
Diane: You *what*?
Senior FBI Agent T.C. Fornell: You need a warrant to do that!

Jimmy: It's like watching John McEnroe and Jimmy Connors at Wimbledon.
Nick: That's the whitest thing I've ever heard.

Nick: Well, McGee, they don't need us. They got Detective Grizz. So, he can solve it.

Nick: Hey, Gibbs. Where's Quinn? I thought this was a... was a mandatory re-qual.
Leroy: Worry about yourself, Torres. And your aim.

Jimmy: Dr. Mallard pulls these off so well, but I don't think I have the right neck for it. Guy at the zoo did say I have giraffe-like features.
Abby: What's wrong with how you usually dress?
Jimmy: This week is my first official week flying solo. I thought that wearing one of the doctor's bowties would make me feel less anxious about filling his shoes.
Abby: You have handled things by yourself before. You're gonna be great. You don't have to be an imitation of Ducky. You just have to be Jimmy.
Jimmy: You know, you're right. I am a fully capable medical examiner. This is my opportunity. This is my chance. This is my shot.
Abby: No! No! Please don't start singing "Hamilton" again, okay? 'Cause it gets stuck in my head, like, all day.
Jimmy: I can't help it. It's educational and it's entertaining.

Aaron: You know, the thing is, I was fighting myself, you know, trying to be some empty version of what I was before. But, uh, I think I need to try and find a way to be who I am now. Know what I mean?
Leroy: Yeah.

Anthony: You notice anything different about Carrie, boss? No wedding ring. I told you the husband was a handbag.
Donald: Handbag?
Leroy: Something useless you hang on your arm.

Dr. Donald Mallard: [to Gareth] You feeling light-headed? I just nicked your brachial artery. You'll be dead in less than 90 seconds.

Paul: Does that nice lady still live above us? The one with the yappy dog? Oh, that dog would make one good mitten, maybe.

Dr. Jimmy Palmer: Latin makes me sound smarter.

Ellie: The lesser spot-nosed monkey, native to West African forests.
Nick: Now that's a cute animal.
Ellie: They were the source of the skulls found at the crime scene.
Nick: Not so cute.

Ellie: This is a secure Federal Building swarming with Federal agents. What better way to keep it secret - keep it safe?
Timothy: No. No. No. You can't keep the ring here. Are you crazy?
Ellie: It will be out of sight out of mind.
Timothy: Out of mind? I've broken into this desk a million times before. That's not safe- with Kate and Ziva before, obviously - not you.
Ellie: Can we discuss this?

Nick: Tim, you're gonna be fine, man.
Timothy: Yeah, not compared to you. You've got no kids and a small fortune. I've got two kids and a wife. I'm gonna be working for the rest of my life.
Jimmy: Well, the good news is you love your job, right?
Donald: I've always loved mine.
Timothy: Well, no offense, Ducky, but if I'm still working when I'm your age...
[he laughs until he sees Ducky's look; Jimmy snickers to himself]
Timothy: I'm not gonna finish that sentence. Ducky, you look fantastic.
Donald: Good move.

Leroy: That's a beauty.
[about an old reel-to-reel tape recorder]
Jack: Yeah, right? I dug it out of our old technology graveyard downstairs. Oh, I found a phone for you down there too, if you ever want to upgrade.

Nick: So, I talked to the front office. Uh, Kane called, asked to talk to the guy who runs the computer lab, an Andrew Lewis.
Timothy: You're kidding. Mr. Lewis? Can't believe he's still here. Yeah, I was never really a fan, but I'm sure the guy remembers me.
[recognizing a passing faculty member]
Timothy: Oh, Mr. Lewis.
Mister: Yeah, and who are you?
Timothy: It's me, Tim McGee.
Mister: Doesn't ring a bell.
Nick: Well, made quite an impression.

Leon: Bring him in... in one piece, Gibbs.
Leroy: We'll see.

Timothy: I'm guessing people get pretty upset when their programs get shut down?
Adriana: Our engineers devote their lives to their projects.Donohue's name is like a curse word around here now.

Anthony: Twelve of the highest trained marksman waiting for my signal to blow you away, I'm debating if I want to see you blown away or learn more first
Lila: You're bluffing
Anthony: Am I?
[Sniper dot appears on her]

Nick: I'm sorry. For everything you've all suffered.
Veeda: Thank you. Especially because you know what it's like to leave everything behind.
Nick: Hardly. Um... My journey to get here was... It was different.
Veeda: But you still experienced loss. You felt pain for those left behind.It helps to remind myself that those who can't be with us, they want us to move forward. Building new lives is how we honor the sacrifice of everyone who got us here.
Nick: Well, I've had to, uh, build many new lives before.
Veeda: And how is this one going?
Nick: Best one yet.
Veeda: Then cherish those who helped you build it. You are always welcome in this home...

Dr. Jimmy Palmer: [discussing the stages of grieving] You ever get stuck?
Leroy: Yep... anger.
Dr. Jimmy Palmer: How long?
Leroy: I'll let you know when I'm past it.

Donald: Kasie, you have to understand that first and foremost, Gibbs is a Marine. He respects the chain of command. If he knew his supervisor had given you an order, he would be upset if you disobeyed it.
Jimmy: Exactly.
Kasie: Really, he always follows orders?
Donald: Always... ish.

Timothy: [to Gibbs] I did exactly what you would do, unless of course, you burned more of those rules that I should know about.

Nick: Okay, maybe he was an ass as a kid. High school was a long time ago. You gotta get over it.
Ellie: You know, that is easy for you to say. Y-you were a-a popular jock, like Buckner, okay? You have no idea what it was like to be mocked and laughed at every day. A-and the only reason Buckner even let up was because of my brothers, so...
Nick: What'd they do, break his leg?
Ellie: No. Two of his fingers. Wish they were here now.

Anthony: Somebody tossed your bedroom.
[shows photos]
Mannheim: Actually, it always looks like that.

Jimmy: So, what do we have here?
Nick: Dead Navy contractor.
Jimmy: That's the third one this year.
Nick: Am I the only one that doesn't keep track of these things?

Leroy: I thought I locked that door.
Judge: You did.
[setting down the picture of Pedro Hernandez]
Leroy: I think you dropped this.
Judge: Looks like a charming fellow. You know him?
Leroy: I did. He killed my family. Now he's dead.

Ellie: Gibbs. Take a look. No skid marks.
Timothy: Whoever hit Captain Smith never so much as tapped their brakes before or after the hit.
Ellie: Not even a swerving tire pattern to suggest he lost control.
Timothy: So either we're dealing with the steadiest drunk driver in history...
Leroy: Or it was no accident.

Donald: The cause of death was a fracture to the c3 vertebrae.
Jimmy: But it wasn't from the fall into the water. The victim was dead beforehand.
Timothy: So, not a suicide?
Jimmy: Not unless he broke his own neck and then somehow managed to roll himself into the water.
Donald: Broke his own neck and rolled himself into the water? I don't have a story for that one. Well, *that's* never happened before.

Leon: You intentionally infected an NCIS agent with a computer virus?
Vice Admiral C. Clifford Chase: I was trying to motivate him.
Leon: By committing a felony? Five felonies?
Vice Admiral C. Clifford Chase: I meant to send it to Tim only.
Leroy: Viruses spread.
Vice Admiral C. Clifford Chase: Are you going after me or the hacker that started this?
Leroy: We could do both.
Timothy: Look, I was able to contain the virus to only our team. Nothing classified is at risk, all data's backed up. Now, that said, I don't suspect our admiral would have done something so foolish without a very good reason.

Delilah: Hey, since you're all here, I would like to thank you for taking out that evil coward bastard Benham Parsa.
Anthony: You know, that was actually the name on the death certificate.

[Ducky brandishes an antique scalpel]
Gareth: What are you going to do with that? Give me a paper cut?
Dr. Donald Mallard: I doubt the blade is clean. Infections can be deadly.

Jimmy: Listen, Ryan, I never thought that I would be a hero. Especially after I screwed up really bad a couple of years ago when I chickened out, but... then a very good friend of mine set me straight.
Donald: Yeah, there was a time when I thought I would be an archeologist.
Jimmy: Yeah? What happened? Why did you decide to go to medical school?
Donald: Well, although archeology carried a certain romantic appeal, I soon realized it wasn't in my bones, so to speak. You have to decide what's in your bones, Mr. Palmer.
Jimmy: Not a spine.
Donald: Nonsense. You just have a... a... well-developed sense of self-preservation. You're training to be a medical examiner, not an NCIS field agent. I have no doubt that you have it in you to die a hero's death, but for the time being, I'd appreciate it if you could stay alive to help me examine the dead.
[return to present]
Jimmy: And with that very healthy sense of self-preservation, I ask you to please stay alive, so that we can both die like heroes a very long time from now when we're old and gray, all right?
Ryan: My dad was 53. He was an actual war hero. Thanks to me, he didn't die like one.

Anthony: She pulled a Palmer, Boss!

Abby: He didn't say a word to them for weeks.
Anthony: Weren't your parents deaf?
Abby: Yeah. He would just keep his hands in his pockets.

Ellie: So, what else does Leah do?
Anthony: Uhhh, I have no idea.
Timothy: Where's she from?
Anthony: She is from... I have no idea.
Timothy: Do you talk at all to the girls that you're dating, ever?
Anthony: Talking's overrated, McOprah.
Timothy: Actually Tony, I think that communication is the key to a solid relationship.
Anthony: I find it difficult to take communication advice from a guy who talks to his girlfriend in binary.

Anthony: Well, you can't beat a well-placed dumpster.

Ellie: [rummaging through a dumpster for evidence] I'm standing in a pile of chili! At least I hope it's chili.
Ellie: Aah! Cockroach! Big cockroach, and he brought backup.

Ellie: I'm, um, I'm ready to go home - back to DC. I'll head back out Saturday.
Leroy: Got room in your truck for one more? Only booked a one-way ticket. Wasn't leaving here without you.
Ellie: Yeah, I could use a navigator.

Anthony: [Tony and McGee are going through paperwork] This recall paperwork is mind numbing.
Timothy: Well, legal statutes, mandatory procedures and corporate oversights are meant to protect us.
Anthony: Whatever happened to Darwinism?
Timothy: You have to sign a release for that.

Timothy: Rule 91 sucks.

[last lines]
Jimmy: [entering Gibbs' basement] Agent Gibbs, you wanted to see me?
[focused on his woodworking, Gibbs remains silent]
Jimmy: Okay. Look, first of all, I... I didn't know that you were listening last night, and... I might have said some things, some... some highly, deeply personal things about you and your personal life, but I... I just shouldn't have. Gibbs, what I said about your wife and daughter... I was just pulling out all the stops. You know, and then once I got on a roll, I couldn't stop. And then I...
[putting his tool down, Gibbs gives him a fatherly hug]

Ellie: You do not know what you're missing.
Nick: Look, if this is just a ploy to see me with my shirt off, I can make that happen right now.
Ellie: You have quite the imagination.
Nick: The offer still stands. You say the word, I'll lose my shirt.
Leroy: [entering] And the job, Torres.

Dr. Donald Mallard: Does that famous gut of your have an opinion? Scorned wife or jilted lover?
Leroy: Ah, it's too early, Duck. My gut's overrated.
Dr. Donald Mallard: [Gibbs leaves autopsy. To the corpse] Don't you believe that for a moment.

Nick: [the printer has a paper jam] This thing hates me.
Timothy: It doesn't hate you. Office equipment is your friend.
Nick: It's a bad friend. The one you lend money to, he never pays you back.

Senior FBI Agent T.C. Fornell: You found blood in his car?
Timothy: Minute traces of it everywhere. We think someone tried to clean it up.
Abby: But I was still able to detect blood proteins from at least 4 separate victims.
Senior FBI Agent T.C. Fornell: You're saying that Diane's ex was some kind of serial killer?
[bursts into laughter]

[Last lines]
Diane: We want your blessing.
Leroy: My what?
Senior FBI Agent T.C. Fornell: Your blessing. It's very important to Diane... and me, that we have your blessing.
Leroy: Why?
Senior FBI Agent T.C. Fornell: Because it... it...
Diane: Because it... it... What is with the fifty questions? Do we have it or not?
[Gibbs looks quizzical. Phoof]

Abby: This is a care package that was sent from Franconia, Virginia. And I wouldn't eat these if I were you.
Timothy: Well, is there anything here that we can work with?
Abby: Other than James Sweeney's own fingerprints? There was no hair, no DNA, no forensics.
Timothy: [noticing a pair of pictures] Hey, what are these?
Abby: Those... are the kicker.
Timothy: Hmm.
Abby: He sent the package.

Detective: Tell me, buck-naked bust, that's not true?
Anthony: That is 100% true.
Timothy: So who was naked, you or the perp?
Anthony: Both of us. I was undercover at a nudist colony.

CEO: How'd you know Janice was involved?
Abby: Okay, I first suspected it when I got into the server room, and I traced the fake Ebola alert back to her computer. But I was sure when the bad guy pronounced my last name properly. I mean, there's no way that he's gonna read "S-C-I-U-T-O" off a sign-in sheet and get that right, so Janice must have warned him about me.

Alden: Any word from Knight?
Timothy: She and Jimmy are still rooting around in garbage searching for that missing eyeball.
Alden: Well, it's probably not there, but let's not spoil their fun yet.

Kasie: Back out now, while you still can, Tim. 'Cause you ain't ready for this.
Timothy: Hey, I was born ready for this. Okay? You-you are going down. You watch.
Kasie: Wow, we both really need to work on our trash talk.
Timothy: I agree.

Ellie: Special agents Bishop and Quinn.
Navy: [in traction in a hospital bed] I don't care who you are. I got an itch on my foot and you gotta get it.

Emily: I've got debate quarter finals in an hour.
Leroy: High school debate?
Emily: I am varsity captain as a freshman. Arguing is pretty much in my blood.

Russian: [to Sergei] There's a word for you in English - scum.

Timothy: I'm sorry, who are you?
DOD: Dick Sullivan. Deputy Inspector General, DOD.
Ellie: Does Gibbs know about this?
Leroy: [entering] Rule 99.
Jack: "Never tell Gibbs he's being audited."
Nick: That's not a real thing.

Nick: Yeah, yeah, I know I'm late. The MPD, uh, cop I hooked up with last month gave me a...
[amused snicker]
Nick: ...a jaywalking ticket this morning and, uh, well... talk about a scorned woman.
Blake: Nice.
Nick: All right, that would be a whoops.
Leon: Thank you for that illuminating and highly inappropriate recap, Agent Torres.
Nick: Uh, Director, I, uh... did not see you standing there. And by "hooked up", I meant, like, you know, we get together and discuss a case.
Hayley: We know what "hooking up" means.
Blake: We're seventeen. Not seven.
Leon: Well, this mentorship is off to a fantastic start.
Nick: Wait, I'm sorry. Say what?

Dr. Jimmy Palmer: [wearing a tux] Palmer, James Palmer.

Commander: So you're telling me Petty Officer Jones was murdered?
Leroy: You can't know that without a body. Somebody took it for a reason. Why?
Commander: You and your team are free to turn this place inside out, but this ship - my ship - is set to rendezvous with the carrier group in two days. I can't alter course.
Leroy: Commander, your ship's an active crime scene. The only place it's going is back to Norfolk.

Abby: It's Pow-nog. It's eggnog meets Caf-Pow.

Jack: [calling a tow truck] Looks like I'm not the only one stranded in this storm. They're gonna take over two hours to get here.
Leroy: Could always be worse. Could still be outside.
Jack: Ah, I see you're a glass-half-full kind of guy.
Leroy: It depends what's in the glass.

Curtis: Our older satellites don't have quite the resolution you need, but our new GOES-16 has ten times the imaging power. Do you like Mexican food?
Abby: I'm not going to dinner with you.
Curtis: How do you feel about brunch?
Abby: Now you're just being rude.
Timothy: [impatiently] Curtis.
Curtis: Sorry. This is the area where you said your SEAL was found. I programmed a macro to flag any movement in the surrounding forest. There was definitelty activity yesterday in that area.
Abby: What are those?
Curtis: Good question. I'm happy to explain that to you over some tapas.
Abby: I'm a very nonviolent person, but I will slap you.
Curtis: Is it that easy?

Special: There are no absolutes, Tim.
Special: Boss, you okay?
Special: I got one with a swan. I got one with a kid. I got one with a plant.
Special: "One with a kid." You're talking about Jimmy?
Special: I wanted to shake 'em all. I wanted to say, Rule 10.
Special: Yeah, but you didn't.
Special: I couldn't. I burned Rule 10. No going back.

Leon: I'll loop in the other agencies, get their Parsa experts to provide any more insight into this theory.
Ellie: Uh, I can save you the time. FBI, CIA, NSA, they'd all refer you to me. I am the Parsa expert.
Leon: Just how long has NSA had you on him?
Ellie: Six years, Director.
Leroy: Excuse me?

Delilah: Danger, Tim Robinson.

Special: You doing okay?
Abby: I was this close to violating one of my most sacred principles.
Special: But you didn't. That bomb was fake.
Abby: That's because I knew you were coming. I just knew it. But... what if I didn't? What would I have done?
Special: You'd have done the right thing, Abs, whatever that is. I don't know much, but I know that.

Phineas: He's a bully, right?
Timothy: Well, yeah.
Phineas: Did you ever get pushed into a locker?
Timothy: Are you kidding? I was a tap dancer.
Phineas: Then you know you gotta push back. Jethro Gibbs taught me that.

Maria: He didn't knock twice.

Abby: Breena's fine. Breathe.
[Jimmy takes a breath]
Abby: Good. Now hurry up and get to the hospital because Breena is in labor.
[Jimmy freezes]
Timothy: Jimmy, did you hear what she said? She just said Breena's having a baby.
[Jimmy is still frozen]
Timothy: I think you broke him.
Abby: What do we do?
Jimmy: [Gibbs slaps the back of Jimmy's head] Baby go bag. I need my baby go bag. Uh, this is not a drill.

Leon: Gibbs, I just remembered something. I didn't lose my edge.
[Leon grunts and looks as his bullet wound]
Leon: I became a politician because I'd had enough of this crap.

Chloe: Did you find Sanchez's body?
Timothy: We did.
Jessica: Plus a couple more.
Chloe: Uh more - more what, headless bodies?
Nick: Yeah, but if it makes you feel any better, we also found their heads.

Ellie: Hey Gibbs, where's your green?
Leroy: In my wallet.

Jimmy: Did you know that Halloween's origins come from the Celtic festival for the dead called Samhain?
Nick: I'm not much of a Halloween guy.
Jimmy: Yeah. Neither are the Celts. They believed that, uh, ghosts roamed the earth on All Hallow's Eve, so they'd dress up in costumes, leave little treats along their doorstep just to appease the evil spirits.
Leroy: [entering] Yeah? Appease me. What do you got?

Sam: No, the professor didn't hate anybody, especially not his students.
Nick: Then why did he pull me aside during the last week of training and tell me to quit?
G. Callen: Those were his exact words?
Nick: No. His exact words were, "You are a lone wolf, not a team player."
G. Callen: Was he wrong?
Sam: My dad used to say after practice, "If the coach is yelling, it's a good thing."
G. Callen: Yeah, it means he cares.
Sam: It's when the coach stops riding you. Then you should be worried

Ellie: I don't get drunk.
Anthony: I'm sorry, I didn't understand what you said.
Ellie: Um, it's physically impossible for me. I tried in college. Can't. Ask my husband.
Anthony: There are a lot of things I want to ask your husband.

Timothy: You do know that you need money to live on once you stop working, right?
Nick: Look, man, I-I've been saving, okay? But I-I'm saving like a normal person. Like, a little bit here and there, you know? I haven't been saving since I was potty-trained. But just out of curiosity, what-what do you guys think? How... how much you think is, uh, is enough?
Timothy: Well, it depends on your plans. I mean, maybe you want to travel, or, uh, do a vacation home. Either way, you're gonna need a lot of money.
Nick: [showing McGee his phone] Do you think... do you think this is enough?
Donald: [seeing Tim's face] Oh, dear. That bad?
Timothy: How have you saved that much cash?
Donald: Or perhaps that good?
Timothy: Wha... I don't have anywhere near that amount.

Leroy: Next time you take you earwig out of your ear, Bishop, I'm gonna use the staple gun.

T.C. Fornell: You are not old enough to have a boyfriend.
Emily: And how old do you need to be?
T.C. Fornell: A year older than you are. And every year it goes up by one.

Ret. General Charles T. Ellison: Thank you for taking the time, Dr. Mallard. Gibbs says you're the best of the best.
Navy: I didn't know NCIS had an oncologist.
Leroy: He's our medical examiner.
Navy: I know I might look it, but I'm not dead yet.

Ellie: How do you expect to run five miles when you can barely keep your head up?
Nick: My body's a finely-tuned machine. Just needs a little fuel.
Timothy: Sounds more like you need a full tune-up.
Nick: I got one last night.
Ellie: Ugh. There goes my appetite.

Leroy: Morgan Burke was Navy. That case should have been ours.
Leon: She hadn't served a day yet. I approved that handoff. I followed protocol in doing so, and so did everyone else involved. So... are we done talking about this already?
Leroy: This case is ours now.
Leon: At the very least, the Sheriff's Office will want to do a joint investigation, and I don't see them walking away without a fight.
Leroy: Maybe not. But you're the bigger dog.

Ellie: So, I watched "Star Trek II" last night. The Kobayashi Maru? I totally get it now. I figured out how Gibbs passed the boarding exercise: he fixed it, just like Captain Kirk. Mmm-hmm. I'm gonna ask him about it tomorrow.
Anthony: You're going to accuse the boss of cheating on an official test?
Ellie: ...Sounded better in my head.
Anthony: Yeah.
Ellie: Yeah.

Leroy: Suit yourself, fathead.
Kyle: Faheed!

Timothy: Our victim, Gunnery Sergeant Tanner, was single and had a spotless record. He was part of Marine Corps Forces Africa. Just spent three months in Liberia, where his unit was sent to train wildlife rangers.
Ellie: I've heard of that. U.S. Marines teach non-lethal raid tactics; flash-bangs, rubber bullets.
Timothy: Apprehending poachers is dangerous business.
Ellie: Well, these monkeys aren't endangered, but they're part of the illegal animal trade and sold as pets.
Nick: Not dead ones. Why the skulls?
Timothy: Maybe they're a message.
Ellie: Revenge for Marine involvement in Africa?
Nick: Well, that still doesn't explain why the guy was in the park with a wallet full of cash. Maybe the skulls were his.
Ellie: What? Why?
Timothy: Skulls are valuable. There's an entire American subculture obsessed with bone collecting.
Ellie: How do you know that?
Leroy: [appearing next to them] He dated Abby.

Anthony: You always smell so good.
Carrie: Let me guess, you missed the sexual harassment meeting again this year.

Diane: I told you he'd run.
Senior FBI Agent T.C. Fornell: Hey, hey hey, come on. We just came to say thank you.
Leroy: You already said thank you.
Senior FBI Agent T.C. Fornell: This time we brought liquor.
Leroy: Then you're welcome.

[repeated line]
Special: You think, DiNozzo?

Jack: I was here first, so if anything, you're following me. But I'll let it slide, 'cause I'm nice like that.
Leroy: What about your stunt at my house?
Jack: Oh, well, that's a different story. To really understand what makes a person tick, you have to interact with them on their home turf.
Leroy: Yeah, or you could just ask.
Jack: What's the fun in that?
Leroy: I don't like games. And I don't like people lying to me.
Jack: Then we are off to a bad start.
Leroy: You want in on my cases, you need to come through me.
Jack: No, actually, I don't. I answer to Director Vance, not to you.

Jack: I'm not... trying to step on any toes here. My job is to provide insight to help solve cases. Whether you decide to utilize my expertise or not is up to you. You may not understand my methods, but they work. I wanted to see what kind of man you are. And what I saw is someone who is driven to help people, even at the expense of himself. And I asked myself "Is this a person I can work with?". And the answer was "Hell yes." So give it a chance, Gibbs. You'll like having me around, I think.
Leroy: Why is that?
Jack: 'Cause you enjoy a good fight.

Ellie: Nick, turn the car around.
Nick: What?
Ellie: The man needs to see his mom.
Nick: Are you crazy? That'll take all night.
Ellie: Gibbs told us to take our time and do some good. That's why he called.
Nick: I am not going to Ohio.
Ellie: Well, darn it. It really sucks for you, because I just got the urge to sing.
Ellie: She'll be comin' 'round the mountain when she comes.

Timothy: So what happened here?
Ellie: Clark was meeting Gibbs. Mallory got here first. She said Clark tried to kill her.
Timothy: What? Why?
Nick: Mallory shot back. Put one in the TV and one in Clark's heart.
Timothy: Self-defense?
Ellie: According to Mallory.
Timothy: Okay. Do we believe her?

Aaron: What were you packing? M40?
Leroy: A1. 10 power. Fixed mil-dot scope.
Aaron: What was the range?
Leroy: Depends on who's shooting it.
[Davis chuckles]
Leroy: 900 meters.

Dwayne: What time do the strippers get here?
Felix: After my nap. Otherwise the lap dance is wasted.

Leroy: [to McGee] Hey. Don't use me as an excuse.

Timothy: [whispering] Boss! Boss!
Diane: [off camera] Ducky, what's taking so long?
Timothy: [whispering] Boss!
Diane: I wanted to take... Holy Fourth of July weenie roast! What the hell am I looking at?
Rebecca: Whoa!
Leroy: Whoa!
Rebecca: This is not what it looks like.
Diane: What does it look like?
Leroy: We were talking, we fell asleep
Diane: Just wore yourselves right out, huh?

Leon: Where's Mallory now?
Wynn: I have no idea. I gave her the account records, told her to keep digging, and then nothing. She must have found something more valuable than friends in high places.
Leon: Such as?
Wynn: You tell me. I was hoping NCIS had something in the works.
Leroy: [his phone rings] Yeah, Kase. I'm on my way down.
Wynn: What's that?
Leroy: [leaving] Something in the works.

Ellie: How did I never know this?
Timothy: I'm telling you, the elevator close-door button is a placebo. Same with crosswalks.
Ellie: Wha... so we've just been pushing it all these years for no reason?
Timothy: Yeah, it's crazy, especially when recent studies show that levels of bacteria on elevator buttons can be forty times higher than on public toilet seats.

Ellie: Gibbs, no one who was on deck at the time saw how or when Petty Officer Allston fell overboard.
Leroy: Then find the last person to see him alive.
Ian: There's no need to dance around this on my account, agents.
Leroy: You have something else to add, Commander?
Ian: Just that I agree with what you're probably already suspecting. That what happened to Petty Officer Allston wasn't an accident.
Ellie: Why do you say that?
Ian: The likelihood of him drowning is slim to none. Allson was a Search and Rescue swimmer.
Ellie: Even so, the impact of him hitting the water could have knocked him unconscious.
Ian: It was a fall that he had done dozens of times in training and it never affected him. Something else must have happened to him.

Ellie: Can't believe you still have it.
Timothy: Yeah, it's the first PC I ever built. Made me realize that...
Nick: You would never have a girlfriend?
Timothy: Um, I've had plenty of girlfriends, thank you.
Ellie: Yeah, one even helped him build this.
Timothy: No, actually that was just a girl-dash-friend.
Ellie: Oh.
Nick: Oh, so, like, pathetic-dash-disturbing.

Timothy: [Repeated line] Jeanne Benoit--really?

Timothy: [DiNozzo gives out sweaters with McGee's Tap Dancing photo] This is great. Look I am who I am because of what I was. So guess what? I am not ashamed of this.
Anthony: You know when you act all adult and noble
Anthony: no one's feeling it.

[at Jackson's funeral]
Leroy: Thanks for making the trip, L.J.
Leroy: He was proud of you, Leroy.
Leroy: Yeah, I was proud of him, too.

Alden: Autopsies sometimes flash me back to the Operation game I had as a kid, you know, with the annoying buzzer.
Jimmy: Yeah, yeah, that's still around. It's Victoria's favorite.
Alden: Your daughter?
Jimmy: Yeah. She's also discovered Mouse Trap. Remember that one?
Alden: Oh yeah, hell yeah. With the, uh, the - the - the marble and the mouse and the trap coming down.
Jimmy: Little plastic pieces that kids can choke on.

Nick: I'm Special Agent Nick Torres. NCIS.
Mister: I'm actually late for a rehearsal right now. We're doing "Cats", again, so, um, if you could, uh...
Nick: Ask you a few questions while we're standing here? Yeah, I like the idea.

Abby: I traced the partial plate from the SUV to a car rental place in D.C. The renter is Edgar Stump. He's listed as a part-time handyman. He has multiple DUIs and a vehicular harassment conviction.
Timothy: So he is just a road rager.
Ellie: He didn't even know Captain Smith.
Leroy: Address?
Abby: Better than that. I've got his GPS signal.

Timothy: [DiNozzo arrives at the crime scene] Where's your date?
Anthony: Probably the same place as your download dinner, McBite Me.
Delilah: No comment.

Ellie: Oh hey, Gibbs. Help me out here. I can only preprogram 9 numbers into this phone.
Leroy: Yeah, so?
Ellie: So, how do you call everyone else?
Leroy: I remember their phone numbers
Clayton: That's insane.

Nick: Dexter confess yet?
Leon: Not quite.
Whit: You know, everyone in this country is done following the old establishment.
[Gibbs stands to leave]
Whit: And I'm just providing them with something new to follow.
Nick: Whoa, whoa, where's he going?
Leon: He's letting Dexter stew. Gibbs has him right where he wants him.
Nick: Oh, good. 'Cause I want to be here when he breaks him.
Leon: Me, too.

Timothy: I know each of Delilah's exes. No problems there, but if Gage Winchester was one of them? Yeah, she could keep that one to herself.

Jimmy: As I was saying, helicopters and I haven't always exactly gotten along. You know, but I've really grown to appreciate their efficiency. We just traveled around three hundred miles in, uh, around ninety minutes.
Leroy: Felt a lot longer to me.

Alex: It's just so weird without cell phones.
Ellie: Yeah, and no laptop.
Nick: Well, the desktops still work. They're hardwired to a different network.
Timothy: [entering] Burn phones, 'till we get our new smartphones tomorrow.
Alex: Seriously?
Nick: This takes me back to my undercover days.
Ellie: I mean... what do you even do with these things?
Leroy: Call people.
Timothy: [offering Gibbs a phone] Boss?
Leroy: [holding up his own] No, I'm good. Hack-proof. Flip phone.

Senior FBI Agent T.C. Fornell: Put the gun down, Turro! There are two ways this can go down. Choose wisely.
[DiNozzo sneaks up behind Turro, and knocks Turro unconscious]
Senior FBI Agent T.C. Fornell: Make that three ways.

Special: You have something to say?
Leroy: Yeah. I'm disappointed. You failed the mission.
[Pushes Torres]
Leroy: You failed to protect your sister.
[Pushes Torres harder. Slight pause, then Gibbs shoves Torres]
Leroy: You disrespected the badge! Revenge on Silva won't change a thing. You can trust me on that because I know. You want to the last 2 years of your life to have meaning, then you see this through - the *right* way!

Abby: So, I found cyanide in Petty Officer Sweeney's blood.
Timothy: How do you think it got in his system?
Abby: That's a good question, and the answer is "tragically". Death by cookies.
Timothy: Cookies?
Abby: Yeah, frosted almond cookies with little almond bits and some poison mixed in.
Timothy: Where did he get poisoned cookies?
Abby: I called Spain, and they said there is nothing close to a frosted almond cookie on their whole base.
Timothy: Maybe something from his personal effects?
Abby: And we are on the same page.

Timothy: Since Diane works at the IRS, she offered to pull our victims' tax records. She's dropping them off tomorrow.
Leroy: Diane?
Timothy: Yeah, uh she came in with ex-wife #2 after you left. I gotta say, boss, she was crazy mad you were gone.
Leroy: McGee, it's because she is crazy.

Molly: The scan code you gave me is for a package that got picked up by a mailman at a blue dropbox not far from here.
Timothy: That unusual?
Molly: Yeah, actually.

[at the conclusion of Gibbs's surgery]
Navy: Okay, pressure's stabilizing... normal sinus... he's breathing on his own.
[the surgical staff begin applauding]
Dr. Cyril Taft: No, no, no, thank you, thank you. Now let's close. I'm here all week, tip your waitresses!
[leans down and whispers in Gibbs's ear]
Dr. Cyril Taft: Forget the bourbon, you tough son of a bitch. Make mine a 15-year-old single malt.

Alex: What's with the long face?
Timothy: Delilah. She hated it. She hated the tux.
Ellie: Mm-mm. What? No. No, no, no. No, she didn't.
Timothy: That was her fake smile.
Alex: No, you're crazy. Seriously, McGee, this is classic.
Timothy: You mean boring.
Nick: [entering in a sharp-looking tuxedo] Yeah, baby! Huh? That's what I'm talking about. Please, no pictures. Nah, go for it.
Ellie: Woof.
Ellie: Was that out loud?
Alex: Mmm-hmm.

Alex: What is going on with you and McGee? You've been weirder than ususal.
Ellie: We heard a rumor that at FLETC, you had... relations with Torres.
Alex: Really? Me and Torr... that's hilarious.
Ellie: So it's not true?
Alex: Bishop, if I had spent any amount of time underneath that man, I'd be crushed to death by his ego.

Senior FBI Agent T.C. Fornell: You make me a promise. When you find this monster - I get a piece of him.

Special: Silva bugged Elena's phone. He knew we were gonna meet.
Leroy: How do you know?
Special: Because he planted a bomb under my seat. I activated the pressure trigger when I sat down.
Leroy: [Gibbs looks under Torres's seat and spots the bomb. Gibbs chuckles slightly] And your waiting until *now* to tell me that?
Special: Well, I was in the middle of something... How's it look?
Leroy: Looks like it'll hurt for minute.
Special: You're enjoying this.
Leroy: Only a little.
[Gibbs makes a call]