Top 30 Quotes From Daniel Stern

Harry: You better say every prayer you ever heard, kid.
Marv: I hope your parents got you a tombstone for Christmas!

Harry: What store is going to make the most cash on Christmas Eve that nobody's gonna think to rob?
Marv: Candy stores!
Harry: Nine-year-olds rob candy stores, Marv. This is what I had in mind.
[shows him an ad for Duncan's Toy Chest]
Marv: That's brilliant, Harry. Brilliant.
Harry: Yep. There's nobody dumb enough to knock off a toy store on Christmas Eve.
Marv: Oh yes, there is.
[Points to Harry, then points to self]

Phil: Hey! Your Mom's got a pretty good arm! I haven't seen the floater pitch since Scruffy McGee!

Marv: [seizes a brick] SUCK BRICK KID!
[throws down to Kevin]

Phil: Sometimes you just gotta put the pedal to the metal and live the fantasy! Rock and roll!

John: What happens if we find the woman who was leaving the parking lot?
Meyer: The PCRA has been rejected. No new evidence can be submitted. Not anymore.
John: It was a robbery.
Meyer: And if they had used her credit card, we could have argued that. I-I'm sorry. John... this sucks.
John: Okay. That's that. All we have now is the Supreme Court, right?
Meyer: John, in the last thirty years, the Supreme Court has not heard one murder case. No decent lawyer would even file the pleadings.
John: So all I have to do is find an... an indecent one. That shouldn't be too hard.

Harry: [Kevin was almost mowed down by Harry and Marv] Hey, hey! You gotta watch out for traffic, son. You know?
Kevin: Sorry.
Harry: Damn!
Marv: [to Kevin] Santy don't visit the funeral homes, little buddy.
Harry: Okay, okay. Merry Christmas.
[smiles; his gold tooth glistens; Kevin gasps]

Phil: I wrap the cake up in my vomit bag, and voila!... Breakfast!
[pounding the airplane tray table]
Phil: Conservation, Managing resources... that is the key to Baseball.

[in the basement, looking up at the hole he fell through]
Marv: Wow! What a hole!

Marv: [Harry and Marv arrive at the Mcallister house at 9:00PM] So how do you want to get in?
Harry: We'll go thru the back. Maybe the kid will let us in, you never know.
Marv: Yeah. He's a kid. Kids are stupid.

Marv: Out the window?
[Harry starts climbing out onto a zip line]
Marv: I'm not going out the window!
Harry: What're you scared, Marv? Are you afraid? C'mon, get out here.
Marv: [Marv follows Harry and they start across the rope] Ohhh, let's go back. Let's go back, Harry!
Harry: Shut up, Marv!
Kevin: [Holds a pair of hedge shears to the rope on his end] Hey guys, check this out!
Harry: Huh, oh, go back!
Marv: Oh! Good!
[They start making their way back]
Marv,10984: [Kevin severs the rope and both of them drop] AHHHHHHHHHH!
[They slam into a brick wall and fall to the ground]

Officer: Nice move... always leaving the water running. Now we know each and every house that you've hit.
Marv: Yeah. But remember, we're the wet bandits. The wet bandits. W-E-T.
Harry: [shouting] Shut up.

Harry: [sitting outside the McCallister house] I don't get it. I mean right now it looks like there's nobody home. Last night the place was jumping. Something ain't right.
Harry: [to Marv]
Harry: Go check it out.
Marv: [Stares blankly] Now?
Harry: No tomorrow, egghead. NOW! GET! "Now".

Kevin: Hey. You guys give up? Have you had enough pain?
Marv: Nevah!
Harry: [Shakes head at Marv]

Harry: [while Harry and Marv are robbing Duncan's Toy Chest, Kevin takes their picture] He took our picture!
Marv: How'd my hair look?

Meyer: I need you to look at the evidence and forget that Lara's your wife.
John: I've seen the evidence, Meyer.
Meyer: I'm not saying judge her innocent or guilty, I'm just saying look at it. Her co-worker sees her leaving the scene. The victim's blood is on her clothes. Her fingerprints are on the murder weapon.
John: And then we went out to dinner. How do you do that if just killed somebody? That would make her a psychopath.
Meyer: And the fight...
John: Is Lara a psychopath, Meyer?
Meyer: The fight in the office?
John: Everyone fights with their boss.
Meyer: But this one ended up dead.
John: So what you're saying is that you never believed in her innocence.
Meyer: How can you say that?
John: Well, what are you saying?
Meyer: I'm saying that it no longer matters what we believe! Lara is not getting out! And you have no idea how much I hate to say that.

Harry: Where did he go?
Marv: Maybe he committed suicide.
Kevin: Down here you big horse's ass, come and get me before I call the police.

[Marv stands in the doorway of the under re-construction brownhouse, in front of a big hole in the floor]
Marv: Harry, I've reached the top!
[Marv steps forward and falls through the hole to the very bottom of the house, in the basement]

Harry: [knocks on the back door] Merry Christmas, little fella. We know that you're in there, and that you're all alone.
Marv: Yeah, come on, kid, open up. It's Santy Claus... and his elf!
Harry: [snickers] We're not gonna hurt you.
Marv: Oh no, no, we got some nice presents for you.
[Below their heads, Kevin slowly pushes the barrel of the air rifle through the doggie door and takes aim at Harry's groin]
Harry: Be a good little fella now, and open the door.
[PING!]
Harry: [high-pitched] AAAAAAHHHHHHHHOOOO...
[Cursing fluently under his breath, he hops around holding his crotch, and falls to his knees]
Marv: What?
[Harry falls down, still groaning and cursing]
Marv: What? What happened?
Harry: Get the little...!
[Marv goes back and sticks his head through the dog door... and sees Kevin laying on his belly on the floor, aiming the air rifle right between his eyes. Marv smiles lamely]
Kevin: Hello.
[PING!]
Marv: AH! AHHH...!
[Marv falls back out of the doggie door, clutching his face]
Kevin: Yes! Yes! Yes-yes-yes-yes!
[He runs off to prepare the next trap]
Marv: The little jerk is armed!
Harry: That's it, that's it! I'm going round the front, you go down to the basement!
[He storms off, swearing under his breath]

Marv: He made us hide out in the store so we could steal all the kiddies' charity money.
Harry: [Kicks Marv] Shut up, Marv! Got the right to remain silent, you know.
Marv: He's a little cranky. We just broke out of prison a few days ago.
Harry: [Kicks Marv again] Shut up, Marv! Geez.
Policeman: Get'em outta here.
Marv: Remember, if this makes the papers, we're no longer the Wet Bandits, we're the Sticky Bandits!
Harry: [Kicks Marv again] Shut up!
Marv: That's S...
Harry: [Kicks Marv again] Shut up!
Marv: ...T...
[Gets kicked again]
Marv: Ummm...
Harry: I.
Marv: ...I...

Marv: Let's kill!
Harry: Hold on, peabrain. We got busted last time because we underestimated that little bundle of misery.
Marv: This ain't like the last time. This ain't his house. The kid's running scared. He ain't got a plan.
Harry: May I do the thinking, please?

Harry: [opens the cash register and steals money from it] Merry Christmas, Harry.
Marv: [opens the money chest and steals money from it, too] Happy Hanukkah, Marv.

[climbing down the rope]
Marv: Harry, are you wearing aftershave?
Harry: That's not aftershave, Marv. That's kerosene. The rope is soaked in it.
Marv: Now why would anyone wanna soak a rope in kerosene?
[Kevin lights a match]
Kevin: Merry Christmas.
Harry: Go up!
Marv: Aaaah!

Harry: [Yelling up to Kevin] Sonny.
Kevin: Yeah!
Harry: Nothing would make me happier than to kill you. Knockin' off a youngster doesn't mean a lot to me. But, since we're in a hurry, I'll make a deal with you. Throw down your camera, and we won't hurt you, you'll never hear from us again.
Kevin: You promise?
Harry: [Rubbing his chest with his finger] I cross my heart and hope to die.
Kevin: Okay.
Harry: Okay, kid. Give it to me.
[Then Kevin picks up a brick and tosses it down, hitting Marv and he collapses to the ground]
Kevin: Direct hit!
Harry: [Holds up his fingers] How many fingers am I holding up, Marv?
Marv: [Dazed] Uh, eight.
Harry: [to Kevin] Okay, kid. You wanna throw bricks, go ahead and throw another one.
[Kevin throws another brick and it hits Marv]
Harry: If you can't do any better than that kid, you're gonna lose.
Marv: Harry, no.
[Kevin throws down another brick, hitting Marv again]
Harry: You got anymore?
[to Marv]
Harry: C'mon Marv! Get up! He don't got anymore bricks. He's out of 'em.
[Marv points up and makes incoherent noises, signaling that Kevin is about to throw another brick]
Harry: What?
[Kevin throws the brick, and once again hits Marv]
Harry: That did it! Nobody throws bricks at me and gets away with it.
[to Marv]
Harry: C'mon Marv. Get up. You go this way, I'll go around back.
Marv: [Still Dazed] Harry. Harry. Harry.

Harry: [hears a loud rumbling] What's that sound?
[a tool chest bursts through the door, pinning them to the wall]
Marv: [congested] That was the sound of a tool chest falling down the stairs.
Harry: Oh.

Harry: Why the hell did you take your shoes off?
Marv: Why the hell are you dressed like a chicken?

[Harry and Marv have arrived in New York by stowing away in a fish truck]
Harry: Here we are, Marv. New York City. The land of opportunity.
[sniffs]
Harry: Smell that?
Marv: [sniffs] Yeah.
Harry: Know what that is?
Marv: Fish.
Harry: It's freedom.
Marv: No, it's fish.
Harry: It's freedom, and it's money.
Marv: Okay, okay, it's freedom.
Harry: Come on, let's get out of here before somebody sees us.
Marv: And it's fish.

Marv: Kids are scared of the dark.
Harry: You're afraid of the dark, too, Marv.

Marv: [shouting after stepping on ornaments] I'm gonna kill that kid!

Phil: The key to being a big league pitcher is the 3 R's: readiness, recuperation, and conditioning! You see, after the game, a lot of guys like to ice up their arm. Still, other fellas think that heat is the way to go. But I have discovered the secret, Henry: hot ice! That's right: hot ice. I heat up... the ice cubes! It's the best of both worlds!