Top 30 Quotes From Daniel Stern

Marv: Let's kill!
Harry: Hold on, peabrain. We got busted last time because we underestimated that little bundle of misery.
Marv: This ain't like the last time. This ain't his house. The kid's running scared. He ain't got a plan.
Harry: May I do the thinking, please?

Harry: What store is going to make the most cash on Christmas Eve that nobody's gonna think to rob?
Marv: Candy stores!
Harry: Nine-year-olds rob candy stores, Marv. This is what I had in mind.
[shows him an ad for Duncan's Toy Chest]
Marv: That's brilliant, Harry. Brilliant.
Harry: Yep. There's nobody dumb enough to knock off a toy store on Christmas Eve.
Marv: Oh yes, there is.
[Points to Harry, then points to self]

Harry: [timidly] What're you doin', Marv?
Marv: [looking at Buzz's tarantula at rest on Harry; whispering warningly] Harry, don't move!
Harry: [questioningly] Maaarv?
Marv: [a little loudly at first, then to a whisper, then attempts to kill the tarantula with his crowbar] Don't...! Move...
Harry: [timidly again] What, what're you doin'? M - Marv...?
[Marv hits him with the crowbar, but the tarantula escapes into Buzz's room]
Harry: Aiee! Jeez... so... crumbin!
Marv: [hurriedly looking around for the tarantula] Did I get him?
[louder]
Marv: Did I get him? Where'd it go? Where is it?
Harry: [starts wacking Marv with his crowbar, the tossing it aside] Never mind, now how do you like that, *huh*? Ya jerk! Get that kid, Marv, get that kid!

Phil: Punctuality, Henry. Without it, time stands still.

[climbing down the rope]
Marv: Harry, are you wearing aftershave?
Harry: That's not aftershave, Marv. That's kerosene. The rope is soaked in it.
Marv: Now why would anyone wanna soak a rope in kerosene?
[Kevin lights a match]
Kevin: Merry Christmas.
Harry: Go up!
Marv: Aaaah!

Phil: The key to being a big league pitcher is the 3 R's: readiness, recuperation, and conditioning! You see, after the game, a lot of guys like to ice up their arm. Still, other fellas think that heat is the way to go. But I have discovered the secret, Henry: hot ice! That's right: hot ice. I heat up... the ice cubes! It's the best of both worlds!

[in the basement, looking up at the hole he fell through]
Marv: Wow! What a hole!

John: What happens if we find the woman who was leaving the parking lot?
Meyer: The PCRA has been rejected. No new evidence can be submitted. Not anymore.
John: It was a robbery.
Meyer: And if they had used her credit card, we could have argued that. I-I'm sorry. John... this sucks.
John: Okay. That's that. All we have now is the Supreme Court, right?
Meyer: John, in the last thirty years, the Supreme Court has not heard one murder case. No decent lawyer would even file the pleadings.
John: So all I have to do is find an... an indecent one. That shouldn't be too hard.

Harry: Why the hell did you take your shoes off?
Marv: Why the hell are you dressed like a chicken?

Harry: [Marv brings a load of stolen goods from the Murphy household to the van and Harry sees him laughing] What's so funny? What are you laughing at? You did it again didn't you? You left the water running. What's wrong with you? Why do you do that? I told you not to do it.
Marv: Harry, it's our calling card!
Harry: Calling card.
Marv: All the great ones leave their mark. We're the wet bandits!

Marv: [looks up after falling through a huge hole in the floor] Whoa! What a hole!

Harry: [Yelling up to Kevin] Sonny.
Kevin: Yeah!
Harry: Nothing would make me happier than to kill you. Knockin' off a youngster doesn't mean a lot to me. But, since we're in a hurry, I'll make a deal with you. Throw down your camera, and we won't hurt you, you'll never hear from us again.
Kevin: You promise?
Harry: [Rubbing his chest with his finger] I cross my heart and hope to die.
Kevin: Okay.
Harry: Okay, kid. Give it to me.
[Then Kevin picks up a brick and tosses it down, hitting Marv and he collapses to the ground]
Kevin: Direct hit!
Harry: [Holds up his fingers] How many fingers am I holding up, Marv?
Marv: [Dazed] Uh, eight.
Harry: [to Kevin] Okay, kid. You wanna throw bricks, go ahead and throw another one.
[Kevin throws another brick and it hits Marv]
Harry: If you can't do any better than that kid, you're gonna lose.
Marv: Harry, no.
[Kevin throws down another brick, hitting Marv again]
Harry: You got anymore?
[to Marv]
Harry: C'mon Marv! Get up! He don't got anymore bricks. He's out of 'em.
[Marv points up and makes incoherent noises, signaling that Kevin is about to throw another brick]
Harry: What?
[Kevin throws the brick, and once again hits Marv]
Harry: That did it! Nobody throws bricks at me and gets away with it.
[to Marv]
Harry: C'mon Marv. Get up. You go this way, I'll go around back.
Marv: [Still Dazed] Harry. Harry. Harry.

Harry: [while Harry and Marv are robbing Duncan's Toy Chest, Kevin takes their picture] He took our picture!
Marv: How'd my hair look?

Harry: [sitting outside the McCallister house] I don't get it. I mean right now it looks like there's nobody home. Last night the place was jumping. Something ain't right.
Harry: [to Marv]
Harry: Go check it out.
Marv: [Stares blankly] Now?
Harry: No tomorrow, egghead. NOW! GET! "Now".

Phil: I wrap the cake up in my vomit bag, and voila!... Breakfast!
[pounding the airplane tray table]
Phil: Conservation, Managing resources... that is the key to Baseball.

[Marv stands in the doorway of the under re-construction brownhouse, in front of a big hole in the floor]
Marv: Harry, I've reached the top!
[Marv steps forward and falls through the hole to the very bottom of the house, in the basement]

Harry: [Kevin was almost mowed down by Harry and Marv] Hey, hey! You gotta watch out for traffic, son. You know?
Kevin: Sorry.
Harry: Damn!
Marv: [to Kevin] Santy don't visit the funeral homes, little buddy.
Harry: Okay, okay. Merry Christmas.
[smiles; his gold tooth glistens; Kevin gasps]

Phil: Hey, your mom has a pretty good arm! I ain't seen the floater pitch since Scuffy McGee!

Marv: [seizes a brick] SUCK BRICK KID!
[throws down to Kevin]

Martinella: BRICKMAN!
Phil: [Talking softly] I'll be right back!

Marv: [Harry and Marv arrive at the Mcallister house at 9:00PM] So how do you want to get in?
Harry: We'll go thru the back. Maybe the kid will let us in, you never know.
Marv: Yeah. He's a kid. Kids are stupid.

Phil: Sometimes you just gotta put the pedal to the metal and live the fantasy! Rock and roll!

Harry: [knocks on the back door] Merry Christmas, little fella. We know that you're in there, and that you're all alone.
Marv: Yeah, come on, kid, open up. It's Santy Claus... and his elf!
Harry: [snickers] We're not gonna hurt you.
Marv: Oh no, no, we got some nice presents for you.
[Below their heads, Kevin slowly pushes the barrel of the air rifle through the doggie door and takes aim at Harry's groin]
Harry: Be a good little fella now, and open the door.
[PING!]
Harry: [high-pitched] AAAAAAHHHHHHHHOOOO...
[Cursing fluently under his breath, he hops around holding his crotch, and falls to his knees]
Marv: What?
[Harry falls down, still groaning and cursing]
Marv: What? What happened?
Harry: Get the little...!
[Marv goes back and sticks his head through the dog door... and sees Kevin laying on his belly on the floor, aiming the air rifle right between his eyes. Marv smiles lamely]
Kevin: Hello.
[PING!]
Marv: AH! AHHH...!
[Marv falls back out of the doggie door, clutching his face]
Kevin: Yes! Yes! Yes-yes-yes-yes!
[He runs off to prepare the next trap]
Marv: The little jerk is armed!
Harry: That's it, that's it! I'm going round the front, you go down to the basement!
[He storms off, swearing under his breath]

[Harry and Marv have caught Kevin in the Murphy's house and hung him on the basement door]
Marv: What are we gonna do to him, Harry?
Harry: We'll do exactly what he did to us: we're gonna burn his head with a blowtorch!
Marv: And smash his face with an iron!
Harry: How about we slap him in the face with a paint can!
Marv: Or shove a nail through his foot!
[Behind them, Marley sneaks in with his snow shovel]
Harry: First thing I'm gonna do is to bite off every one of these little fingers, one at a time...
[Marley raises his shovel and knocks Marv out cold, Harry turns around only to be knocked out, too. Marley lifts Kevin off the door]
Marley: Come on, let's get you home.

Phil: Hey! Your Mom's got a pretty good arm! I haven't seen the floater pitch since Scruffy McGee!

Meyer: I need you to look at the evidence and forget that Lara's your wife.
John: I've seen the evidence, Meyer.
Meyer: I'm not saying judge her innocent or guilty, I'm just saying look at it. Her co-worker sees her leaving the scene. The victim's blood is on her clothes. Her fingerprints are on the murder weapon.
John: And then we went out to dinner. How do you do that if just killed somebody? That would make her a psychopath.
Meyer: And the fight...
John: Is Lara a psychopath, Meyer?
Meyer: The fight in the office?
John: Everyone fights with their boss.
Meyer: But this one ended up dead.
John: So what you're saying is that you never believed in her innocence.
Meyer: How can you say that?
John: Well, what are you saying?
Meyer: I'm saying that it no longer matters what we believe! Lara is not getting out! And you have no idea how much I hate to say that.

Marv: He's gonna call the cops!
Harry: He's not callin' the - from a tree house?

Harry: [hears a loud rumbling] What's that sound?
[a tool chest bursts through the door, pinning them to the wall]
Marv: [congested] That was the sound of a tool chest falling down the stairs.
Harry: Oh.

Marv: Out the window?
[Harry starts climbing out onto a zip line]
Marv: I'm not going out the window!
Harry: What're you scared, Marv? Are you afraid? C'mon, get out here.
Marv: [Marv follows Harry and they start across the rope] Ohhh, let's go back. Let's go back, Harry!
Harry: Shut up, Marv!
Kevin: [Holds a pair of hedge shears to the rope on his end] Hey guys, check this out!
Harry: Huh, oh, go back!
Marv: Oh! Good!
[They start making their way back]
Marv,10984: [Kevin severs the rope and both of them drop] AHHHHHHHHHH!
[They slam into a brick wall and fall to the ground]

Officer: Nice move... always leaving the water running. Now we know each and every house that you've hit.
Marv: Yeah. But remember, we're the wet bandits. The wet bandits. W-E-T.
Harry: [shouting] Shut up.