100 Best Dr. Jennifer Melfi Quotes

Dr. Jennifer Melfi: It's been a long odyssey with your mother, hasn't it?
Tony: Oh, these last 500 years just seemed to race by.

Dr. Jennifer Melfi: Isn't it interesting how this memory loss cropped up right after you failed to be killed in the carjacking? You think it was a carjacking?
Tony: Of course not, but I got an idea who was behind it. Enough said. You don't want to go there.
Dr. Jennifer Melfi: Maybe you don't want to go there.
Tony: What are you talking about?
Dr. Jennifer Melfi: Well, let's track it. Right around the time of the shooting, you were having hallucinations of that Isabella figure. The protective, loving mother. Your subconscience was shouting something at you. On the day before the shooting, you said to me that she kept going on yet again about news stories of mothers throwing their babies out of windows.
Tony: Why don't we put our fuckin' cards on the table here. What do you think, my mother tried to have me whacked 'cuz I put her in a nursing home?

Tony: [Referring to his recollection of his mother excited by fresh meat] it was probably the only time the old man got laid
Dr. Jennifer Melfi: Probably
Tony: Pretty sick huh? Getting turned ob by free cold cuts
Dr. Jennifer Melfi: Do you think you questioned why the meat was free? The meat that was going into her children's mouths?
Tony: [Referring to his parent's intimacy] I don't know, I don't want to know, I don't even want to think about any of this shit
Dr. Jennifer Melfi: I'm sure it was too much for you then too, that's why you short-circuited. Puberty, witnessing not only your mother and father's sexuality but also the violence and blood so connected to the food you were about to eat. And also the thought that someday, you might be called upon to "bring home the bacon", like your father
Tony: All this from a slice of gabagool?
Dr. Jennifer Melfi: Kind of like Proust's Madeleine's
Tony: [Confused] what?
Dr. Jennifer Melfi: Marcel Proust wrote a seven volume classic: Remembrance of Things Past. He took a bite of a Madeleine, it's kind of a tea cookie he used to have when he was a child and that one bite unleashed a tide of memories of his entire childhood and ultimately of his entire life
Tony: This sounds very gay, I hope you're not saying that
Dr. Jennifer Melfi: No, understanding root causes will make you less vulnerable to future episodes
Tony: My fuckin head is swimming here
Dr. Jennifer Melfi: We're going have to stop, it's a lot to process but we've made real progress today, good work and I'd really like you to write down any thoughts or "associations."

Dr. Elliott Kupferberg: Jennifer, civilization...
Dr. Jennifer Melfi: Oh, don't worry, I won't break the social compact. But that's not saying... there isn't a certain satisfaction in knowing that I could have that asshole squashed like a bug... if I wanted!

Dr. Jennifer Melfi: That must have been devastating.
Tony: No, it turned out it was no big deal.
Dr. Jennifer Melfi: To see your father handcuffed, being led away by the police.
Tony: At the time I thought my head was gonna explode. He looked... helpless. When I got home my mother had a different perspective, which made me feel better.
Dr. Jennifer Melfi: So in her pain she reached out to you.
Tony: That's one way to put it.
[cut to a scene of Tony's youth]
Young: Your father may not be home for dinner tonight. Go wash up.
Young: I know.
Young: What do you know?
Young: I saw him getting arrested. What did he do?
Young: He didn't do anything. They just pick on the Italians.

Dr. Jennifer Melfi: It was a downpour. He couldn't see anything, it was impossible.
Dr. Elliot Kupferberg: Where are you in the dream?
Dr. Jennifer Melfi: I'm there. I could observe everything. He's driving. He starts to hyperventilate. He grabs for a bottle of Prozac, but it's empty. And all the while this is happening that song from "The Wizard of Oz" is playing. He goes into a full-blown panic attack and he passes out. He crashes into this huge truck. The fact that he can't see the road ahead suggests my abandoning him.
Dr. Elliot Kupferberg: Who in Wizard would your patient be?
Dr. Jennifer Melfi: Given the fact that he's a powerful, dominating male, Oz himself.
[Elliot arches his eyebrows]
Dr. Jennifer Melfi: What, with the eyebrows already?
Dr. Elliot Kupferberg: The Wizard of Oz, what memories does it conjure up?
Dr. Jennifer Melfi: My parents' house, watching it on TV. Hiding under the blanket with my sister.
Dr. Elliot Kupferberg: Why do we love roller coasters, Jennifer? Scary movies?
Dr. Jennifer Melfi: [annoyed] To experience the thrill of being terrified, without the consequences. That's very good, Elliot.
Dr. Elliot Kupferberg: Great film, but some terrifying moments.
Dr. Jennifer Melfi: That's very perceptive.
Dr. Elliot Kupferberg: I'm concerned that treating a mobster provides you some vicarious thrill.
Dr. Jennifer Melfi: It wasn't exactly vicarious. I had to go into hiding, remember?
Dr. Elliot Kupferberg: And wasn't that thrilling?
Dr. Jennifer Melfi: Fuck you! You think this is funny, you smug cocksucker! Fuck you!
[walks out]

Tony: [Referring to Gloria while getting worked up] I'm telling you something's fucked up here because one minute she's fine and the next minute she's a fuckin lunatic
Dr. Jennifer Melfi: I asked you whether or not she seemed like a happy person?
Tony: Oh, by that I'm suppose to know she's going to throw a fuckin roast beef at my head?
Dr. Jennifer Melfi: Read into things however you chose
Tony: [Calming down] why does everything have to be so hard? I'm not saying I'm perfect but I do the right thing by my family. Doesn't that count for anything?
Dr. Jennifer Melfi: I think we should discuss what attracted you to Gloria in the first place
Tony: [Rubbing his head] we've been through that already
Dr. Jennifer Melfi: And Irina before her
Dr. Jennifer Melfi: [Listing the commonalities of Tony's past mistresses, eventually implying those qualities are similar to his mother] depressive personalities, unstable, and impossible to please. Does that remind you of any other woman?

Tony: [referring to his mother's friend that she accidently hit with her car] She broke her wrist on the steering column: Minor concession
Dr. Jennifer Melfi: What about the other woman?
Tony: [before Melfi winches] Hip, we were down at the hospital until two in the morning, talking to her doctor and the gerontologist, their saying she shouldn't live alone anymore, she can't manage the telephone
Dr. Jennifer Melfi: And you say she's very healthy and alert?
Tony: Like a bull, why?
Dr. Jennifer Melfi: I'm just thinking and I know there are other doctors who are right there but you know from your own life that depression can cause accidents or performance, or worse
Tony: So, what're you saying, that she "unconsciously" tried to "whack" her best friend?
Dr. Jennifer Melfi: [sarcastically, irritated] It's "interesting" that you would take that from what I said. Either way, she could need a change in her living situation, be around more people
Tony: Well, we were looking at Green Grove

Dr. Jennifer Melfi: I say what your mother has, at the very least, is what we call borderline personality disorder.
Tony: A borderline personality disorder ?
Dr. Jennifer Melfi: Let me read to you from the DSM-IV okay? Definitions of the condition? "A pattern of unstable relationships . Affective instability , It means intense anxiety, a joylessness. These people's internal phobias are the only things that exist to them. The real world, real people are peripheral. These people have no love or compassion. Borderline personalities are very good at splitting behavior, creating bitterness and conflict between others in their circle."

Tony: [Referring to her blouse] is that new? Looks good
Dr. Jennifer Melfi: Did you bring your log?
Tony: My log?
Dr. Jennifer Melfi: You remember last week, you were going to keep a record. I asked you to write any feelings of anxiety or memories of past anxiety attacks
Tony: [Remembering what they discussed at their previous session] yeah, my parents, the pork store, it was interesting
Dr. Jennifer Melfi: Have you thought at all about that?
Tony: How do people find the time?
Dr. Jennifer Melfi: To get well
Tony: My mother's dead, I haven't had a panic attack since
Dr. Jennifer Melfi: You've gone months without them before, the conflicts that caused them and your depression are buried deep inside you. Are you happy?
Tony: Am I happy? Look, I'm sorry I didn't bring the list. I'll bring it next week
Dr. Jennifer Melfi: [sighs] we ought to think about bringing your wife into this
Tony: In here? Carmela?
Dr. Jennifer Melfi: You're the one who wanted to take a more proactive approach
Tony: [Disagreeing with her suggestion] that's not in the future
Dr. Jennifer Melfi: Let's talk frankly. You've demanded more of me. Fine but you're not trying
Tony: Yeah I know, the past, but shit happens in my daily life that needs attention now. I got some genuine concerns, like my son, he shies away from anything that requires effort and I think that he picks that up from me. I mean his in football now right? But Carmela is guilty about this as I am.

Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: You know what they say: Revenge is like serving cold cuts.
Dr. Jennifer Melfi: I think it's "Revenge is a dish best served cold."
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: What did I say?

Carmela: [Participating in Tony's therapy session for the first time] how are you feeling, from your accident?
Dr. Jennifer Melfi: Fine, thank you
Carmela: Honestly, if you told me five years ago I'd be sitting here today
Dr. Jennifer Melfi: Anthony's attacks, how do they make you feel?
Carmela: Concerned of course, helpless, a little frustrated
Dr. Jennifer Melfi: Maybe with your inability to help him?
Carmela: To tell you the truth I was referring to your inability to help him
Tony: She has helped me, what're you talking about?
Carmela: You've been coming here for three years Tony and you still pass out on a regular basis
Dr. Jennifer Melfi: [to Carmela] I understand your frustration. Did Anthony share with you any insights about his last panic attack?
Tony: I told you remember? The gabagool and my mother when I was a little kid
Carmela: Right, yes
Dr. Jennifer Melfi: Do you think that there's anything in the present family "dynamic" that could serve as a trigger? Something in your dialog perhaps?
Carmela: Excuse me?
Dr. Jennifer Melfi: I don't really know you that well, we're trying to get to root causes
Tony: Like maybe you do things that may have some affect on me?
Carmela: Oh, really?
Tony: What? People affect each other in life
Carmela: [to Dr. Melfi] oh I get it, is this how it works? You can't get any answers so you start looking for someone else to point the finger at?
Tony: She's not saying anything, why are you getting so defensive?
Carmela: You know what Tony? Maybe you should "explore" your own behavior, maybe you pass out because you're guilty over something. Maybe because of the fact that you stick your dick into anything with a pulse, you ever "explore" that as a root cause?
Tony: [Sarcastically] very nice, that's very nice
Carmela: Uh-huh
Tony: [to Carmela] I told you months ago I broke it off with that Russian person
Tony: [to Dr. Melfi] right?
Dr. Jennifer Melfi: [Remains silent]
Carmela: It's incredible, it's like people who smoke their entire lives then they sue the cigarette companies when they get cancer
Tony: [Faces away from her] you know, you agreed to come here, oh forget it, this is fuckin ridiculous
Carmela: Right, just sit there, silence, anger, then you pass out and then you blame the rest of the world
Tony: [Sarcastically] yeah I love you too
Dr. Jennifer Melfi: You're both very angry.

Dr. Jennifer Melfi: [about Jackie's condition] From what you're telling me it doesn't sound very good.
Tony: From what I'm telling you? Well, what the fuck do I know? I'm not a doctor.
Dr. Jennifer Melfi: You're angry. Who with?
Tony: Let me tell you something. This man has had chemo every day for three fuckin' weeks and he still has every last hair on his head. Every last hair on his head and he's got a beautiful head of hair. So don't tell me about how it sounds because you don't know him and you don't know me and you don't know what the fuck you're talkin' about!
Dr. Jennifer Melfi: What's happening is we're getting closer to your confronting your true feelings about what's really going on here.
Tony: Wait a minute, wait a minute. I just told you my true feelings. So why don't you tell me what's really goin' on.
Dr. Jennifer Melfi: The tree in the painting rotted out, you said. There's nothing in that picture to indicate that.
Tony: The fucking painting. I knew that painting was a scam. I knew that painting was a fuckin' scam!
Dr. Jennifer Melfi: You remember your dream? The ducks? It took on another meaning. What happens to a tree that's rotted out?
Tony: Trees, ducks. What the fuck are you, Ranger Rick? I'll tell you, some job you shrinks got! You think everybody is lying to you while you're pulling scams on them! Fuck you!
[walks out]

Tony: I was feeling good, all of a sudden I'm back to square one
Dr. Jennifer Melfi: What'd you mean?
Tony: I had another one of those panic attacks this morning, but not the whole thing. It was right there under the surface, that feeling like I got Ginger ale in my brain
Dr. Jennifer Melfi: Are you taking your medication?
Tony: Not everyday
Dr. Jennifer Melfi: Is that what the prescription says?
Tony: [Implying his not following the prescription instructions] another thing to feel bad about
Dr. Jennifer Melfi: Well, can you tell me what led up to this?
Tony: [Takes his notepad out of his back pocket and tosses it on her coffee table] you want my log? That I'm supposed to write everything down for you? Look, it's the shit I've got to do for Christmas
Dr. Jennifer Melfi: All this pressure we put on ourselves this time of the year, they call it "stress-mas"
Tony: That's cute, I was looking forward to Christmas this year, no shit but here I go right back into the "rabbit hole"
Dr. Jennifer Melfi: OK let's do the drill, the panic attack, what preceded it?
Tony: Well, yesterday I went down to the shore to get my boat winterized
Dr. Jennifer Melfi: What happened?
Tony: I started thinking about this "thing" that happened years ago and I haven't thought about it since it happened
Dr. Jennifer Melfi: Tell me about it
Tony: I can't
Dr. Jennifer Melfi: I see, we're at one of our favorite "junk-shers"
Tony: Without going into specifics I can tell you he was a friend of mine and I found out he was working for the federal government
Dr. Jennifer Melfi: [Remains silent]
Tony: Enough said?
Dr. Jennifer Melfi: I see
Tony: Did I ruin your Christmas?

Tony: [Referring to AJ's suicide attempt] Why me huh?
Dr. Jennifer Melfi: Why not you?
Tony: Because I'm a good guy basically, I love my family. There's a balance: there's a Ying, there's a Yang. You think you know, you think you learn something, like when I got shot
Dr. Jennifer Melfi: Know what?
Tony: Alright when I was Las Vegas I took peyote, I was curious I don't know
Dr. Jennifer Melfi: You were searching for something?
Tony: I saw some "things", not "things", per se hallucinations Roger Corman shit. It was kind of disappointing, it wasn't any of that
Dr. Jennifer Melfi: What was there?
Tony: It's kind of hard to describe, I mean you've done that right? Acid?
Dr. Jennifer Melfi: No
Tony: [after sighing] all I can say is I saw for pretty certain that everything we see and experience, is not all there is
Dr. Jennifer Melfi: What else is there?
Tony: Something else. That's as far I can go with it. I don't fuckin know
Dr. Jennifer Melfi: Alternate universes?
Tony: You're going to be a comedian now?
Dr. Jennifer Melfi: I'm not
Tony: Maybe this is going to sound stupid but at one point that our mothers are bus drivers, no they are the bus, see? They're the vehicle that gets us here. They drop us off and go on their way. They continue on their journey and the problem is we keep trying to get back onto the bus. Instead of just letting it go
Dr. Jennifer Melfi: That's very insightful
Tony: Jesus don't act so surprised

Tony: My wife thinks I need to meet new people.
Dr. Jennifer Melfi: So?
Tony: C'mon, you're Italian, you understand. Guys like me we're brought up to think that Merigan are fuckin' bores. The truth is the average white man is no more boring than the millionth conversation over who should have won, Marciano or Ali.
Dr. Jennifer Melfi: So am I to understand that you don't consider yourself white?
Tony: I don't mean white like Caucasian. I mean a white man like our friend Cusamano. Now he's Italian, but he's Merigan. It's what my old man would have called a Wonder Bread wop. He eats his Sunday gravy out of a jar.

Dr. Jennifer Melfi: [seeing Carmela for a session without Tony] You sounded tense on the phone
Carmela: I just wanted to make sure it was ok if I came alone? I mean Tony couldn't make it. I love the artwork you have here: the country scenes
Dr. Jennifer Melfi: thank you
Carmela: [referring to the nude statue in the waiting area] That statue is not my favorite
Carmela: [when Melfi doesn't respond] Oh, come on, look, it's not like this when me and Tony are here together, you never give him the silent treatment
Dr. Jennifer Melfi: Is that what you think? I'm giving you the silent treatment?
Dr. Jennifer Melfi: [when she doesn't respond] Maybe you can tell me why you came today?
Carmela: I'm worried about my husband: the mood swings. I thought... when his mother died maybe... but still half the time he doesn't even talk to me. You've seen him get like that, the day he stood here like a wall. I know he is your patient and I am only the patient's wife but you try living like that twenty-four hours a day, seven days a week and see how you feel
Dr. Jennifer Melfi: I see
Carmela: Oh, you do? Well, for your information, I am not the only one: the fact is Tony isn't under the weather today, he just didn't feel like coming. Fuck that shit is what I think he said
Dr. Jennifer Melfi: Usually when that happens when we touch on a nerve, he was distressed over this young man's death in the garbage compactor
Carmela: He didn't say garbage compactor, did he?
Carmela: [when Melfi doesn't respond, referring to they didn't realize Tony was lying to them on the cause of death of the young man when he first told them] See?
Dr. Jennifer Melfi: What is it you believe?
Carmela: You know about his job, he reports to a strip club, who knows how he spends his days?
Carmela: [after beginning to cry] I'm sorry. I'm just frustrated, Tony's been out of sorts for so long. There is nothing I can do to help him
Dr. Jennifer Melfi: I think coming to therapy with him has stirred up a lot of feelings in you that you would like to address with somebody?
Carmela: Oh, please, I am just a little emotional today
Dr. Jennifer Melfi: I would like to help you but as you pointed out your husband is my patient
Carmela: I am not the one who needs mental help, I just needed to vent

Dr. Jennifer Melfi: So, all the women in your house are gone. How do you feel about Carmella taking a trip without you?
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: Do we really have to fuckin talk about this?
Dr. Jennifer Melfi: Of course not. Before we end, is there anything you'd like to discuss?
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: [Remains silent]
Dr. Jennifer Melfi: OK
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: How about the fact that I hate my son? I come home and his sitting in front of the computer in his fuckin underwear. Wasting his time in some chit chat room going back and forth like some other fuckin jerk off giggling like a school girl. Fuckin smash his fuckin face in. My son, what'd you think about that?
Dr. Jennifer Melfi: Anthony, I think your anger towards AJ has been building up for some time, we have to deal with this
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: All I know is it's a good thing my father's not alive because let me tell you he'd find this fuckin hilarious
Dr. Jennifer Melfi: Find what hilarious?
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: The kind of son I produced
Dr. Jennifer Melfi: You mean because Anthony doesn't conform to what your father's idea of what a man should be?
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: His, mine, or anybody's. Let me tell you if Carmella let me kick AJ's ass like my father kicked my ass, he might've grown up with some balls
Dr. Jennifer Melfi: Like you?
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: Yeah like me
Dr. Jennifer Melfi: He might've also grown up taking out his anger and his father's brutality towards him on others. He might've grown up with a desperate need to dominate and control. Anthony we've been "dancing" around this for years: how you live, what is it you want from your life?
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: I couldn't even hit him if I wanted to. His so fuckin little, his Carmella's side of the family, they're small people. Her father, you could knock him over with a fuckin feather
Dr. Jennifer Melfi: Ok but I have to point out: what you resent Carmella doing for AJ, protecting him from his father, is the very thing you had often wished your mother had done for you

Tony: You know what? This is bullshit.
Dr. Jennifer Melfi: What?
Tony: I haven't been able to tell anybody this. I'm fuckin' relieved.
Dr. Jennifer Melfi: Really?
Tony: He was a tremendous drag on my emotions and my thoughts about the future. I mean, to begin with, every morning I wake up thinkin' is this the day that one of my best friends is gonna dime me to the FBI? And a weak, fuckin' snivellin', lyin' drug addict? That's the worst kind of bet. The biggest blunder of my career is now gone. And I don't have to be confronted by that fact no more. And as a relative, a friend, someone you can count on?
[flicks his hand under his chin]
Dr. Jennifer Melfi: I see.
Tony: Let me tell you somethin'. I murdered friends before, even relatives. My cousin Tony, my best friend Puss... But this?
[wakes up from his dream]

Dr. Jennifer Melfi: So, what's up?
Tony: I don't know, I'm bored or something. I don't want to come here no more
Dr. Jennifer Melfi: Wow, that's not the first time we've heard you say that
Tony: No offense but let's face it, this is starting to feel like a waste of time. I'm sure for the both of us
Dr. Jennifer Melfi: I don't feel that way
Tony: Like the other day I'm watching this movie with Brad Pitt and that blonde Gwyneth Paltrow,
Dr. Jennifer Melfi: Sliding Doors?
Tony: Fuck no, Seven. It's a good movie, I've never seen it before, but half way through it I'm thinking this is bullshit, it's a waste of my fuckin time, why do I give a fuck who the killer is? What difference is that information going to make in my life?
Dr. Jennifer Melfi: Very true
Tony: So, I shut it off
Dr. Jennifer Melfi: Good for you, what did you do instead?
Tony: [Jokingly] went outside and burned ants with a magnifying glass
Dr. Jennifer Melfi: [Remains silent]
Tony: [Sensing she doesn't realize it was a joke] a little sense of humor here?
Tony: What's the matter? You still in mourning over managed care?
Dr. Jennifer Melfi: Go on
Tony: What's the point? You go to Italy you lift some weights, you watch a movie, It's all a series of distractions until you die
Dr. Jennifer Melfi: I hear depression talking
Dr. Jennifer Melfi: [Becoming irritated] Well, I'm not upping my dosage. Medication, medication, medication, what do I got to show for it?
Tony: Who knows where you'd be without the medication? Anyway some people take pleasure in the simple doing of things
Dr. Jennifer Melfi: The things I take pleasure in I can't do. I'm currently trying to change my "business profile", if you know what I mean
Tony: Oh, so it's all about your legal problems?

Tony: But I'll tell ya somethin', I was proud to be Johnny Soprano's kid. When he beat the shit outta that guy, I went to the class, I told them how tough my father was.
Dr. Jennifer Melfi: Do you think that's how your son feels about you?
Tony: Yeah, probably. And I'm glad. I'm glad if he's proud of me. But that's the bind I'm in 'cause I don't want him to *be* like me.

Dr. Jennifer Melfi: A lot of your circle must have done jail time. They can't be strangers to male-male sexual contact.
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: You get a pass for that.
Dr. Jennifer Melfi: Well, that's nice.
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: Well, what are you gonan do? There's no women there. You're there five, ten years.
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: Just for the record, my incarceration was very short term, so I never had any need for any anal... you know.

Dr. Jennifer Melfi: So, you've come back for help: don't look at that as a defeat
Tony: [referring to his mother] She's part of that generation that grew up during the Depression but depression to her was a trip to Six Flags
Dr. Jennifer Melfi: There's that D word again
Dr. Jennifer Melfi: [after he leans back and rubs his head] stay with your mother
Tony: Now that my father's dead, he's a saint
Tony: [before flicking his chin] When he was alive, nothin. My dad was tough: he ran his own crew, a guy like that and my mother wore him down to a little nub, he was a squeaking little gerbil when he died
Dr. Jennifer Melfi: Quite a formable presence

Tony: It's Tuesday three o'clock so we've got to talk about something ok? Spin the wheel", here's something that's been bothering me I gave my daughter a car
Dr. Jennifer Melfi: Really?
Tony: Yeah a used car, one of those SUV's, a 92 pathfinder. The thing is that it belonged to a friend of hers from school and it came into my possession incurred of a debt by the kid's father and this is the way he elected to make payment
Dr. Jennifer Melfi: You gave your daughter her friend's car?
Tony: It was a nice, safe, car to which I had the pink slip
Dr. Jennifer Melfi: What's bothering you?
Tony: I must've known that she'd known it was her friend Eric's car and how I got it and she'd freak out
Dr. Jennifer Melfi: Then why did you give it to her?
Tony: I don't know, I mean for all these years I've been shielding her and protecting her from certain "truths" so now I want to rub her nose in it.
Dr. Jennifer Melfi: Any thoughts on that?
Tony: This kid's father, his fuckin degenerate gambler but his also a respected business man in the community and everything that goes along with that
Dr. Jennifer Melfi: One of your "Happy "wanders"
Tony: How do you remember this shit?
Dr. Jennifer Melfi: [Smiles, remains silent]
Tony: So it becomes my fault he lost his kid's car? I've got to look out for him because his a sick bastard? My friend Artie Bucco got a restaurant right? Now believe me no one's telling him to refuse a plate a fettuccine to a guy that's eating himself to death
Dr. Jennifer Melfi: Maybe that's what you were saying to your daughter
Tony: What?
Dr. Jennifer Melfi: By giving her the SUV, wanting her to confront some of these "moral ambiguities"
Tony: [Implying that he doesn't understand her terminology] English
Dr. Jennifer Melfi: Meadow's going to be going away to college next year
Tony: Yeah that's why she needs the car
Dr. Jennifer Melfi: "Leaving the nest"
Tony: Not those fuckin ducks again
Dr. Jennifer Melfi: Maybe you were preparing her for the reality of teaching her to "fly"?
Tony: You know your people are something, I gave my little girl a car to rub her face in shit and you're telling me I did something noble?
Dr. Jennifer Melfi: We're getting to something here
Tony: [Realizing she's right] time's up
Dr. Jennifer Melfi: Look, we still have time and we're doing good work, what? You feel you're cured?
Tony: Alright, I'll sit here but I got nothin else to say

Tony: Well, here I am: back
Dr. Jennifer Melfi: Yup
Tony: So, let me ask you right off, is there any chance for a mercy fuck?
Dr. Jennifer Melfi: [Remains silent]
Tony: I'm just kidding
Dr. Jennifer Melfi: How are you feeling?
Tony: You went to medical school, a gunshot wound is everything they told you it was
Dr. Jennifer Melfi: And emotionally?
Tony: I'm happy to be alive
Dr. Jennifer Melfi: Have you spoken to your uncle since it happened?
Tony: No, and I won't. I finally get to sleep on my own bed tonight. I got a hospital bed in the house for the last month and a half ago
Dr. Jennifer Melfi: Is sleeping difficult?
Tony: [Shakes his head] Tylenol helps
Dr. Jennifer Melfi: What about dreams? Night terrors? Anything like that?
Tony: Gloom is your business and business is good
Dr. Jennifer Melfi: You were shot, Anthony by a member of your family
Tony: I know
Dr. Jennifer Melfi: And unless I know absolutely nothing about what I'm doing, I think you and I have a lot to talk about. Are you familiar with the term Post Traumatic Stress?
Tony: I get it ok? My uncle tried to kill me, for the second time. Three strikes and I'm out right? And who knows, maybe I am suppressing things but right now I feel each day is a gift, I told my sister that and that's how it's going to stay
Dr. Jennifer Melfi: Just pick up where we left off before this all happened
Dr. Jennifer Melfi: AJ
Tony: Believe it or not things got worse with that kid, flunked out of college. He waited until I was in a coma
Dr. Jennifer Melfi: Didn't you leave Seaton Hall after a semester and a half?
Tony: Alright fine why can't he copy some of the good things about me?
Dr. Jennifer Melfi: Does he have a job?
Tony: Blockbuster: the first stop of the shit bird express
Dr. Jennifer Melfi: In some ways this shooting may have provided him an opportunity to learn from your mistakes
Tony: My mistakes? I got caught up in domestic violence, you think it can't happen to you but it does
Dr. Jennifer Melfi: But I was referring to the bigger picture. The ready access to guns, the use of violence to solve disputes because of the nature of your work, your uncle's work
Tony: I told you I didn't want to talk about my uncle
Dr. Jennifer Melfi: Fine, but for now is it safe to say there are worse ways to earn money than by stocking shelves at Blockbuster?
Tony: Yeah, there are

Dr. Jennifer Melfi: Your thoughts have sort-of an Eastern flavor to them.
Tony: Well, I've lived in Jersey all my life.

Dr. Jennifer Melfi: I feel for you males. It's our goddamn fault you don't know how to act.
Randall: Oh! Admitting mistakes?
Dr. Jennifer Melfi: We tell you to be more sensitive, you join Promise Keepers. We say get in touch with your feelings, you run off into the woods in a loincloth gunking yourself with bear fat beating a drum.
Randall: Hey, don't ruin my evening.
Dr. Jennifer Melfi: You know what I mean.
Randall: Sure. You want someone who's sensitive to your needs, but still decisive enough for the occasional grope in the closet.

Tony: My mother, my fuckin God damn idiot of a mother, you'd think she was never married to Johnny Soprano
Dr. Jennifer Melfi: Is there something else bothering you Anthony?
Tony: [referring to his mother] That's not enough? Fuckin demented old bat
Dr. Jennifer Melfi: You're so angry with your mother and the airline tickets and I'm not saying it's not serious but a year ago your mother colluded to have you killed yet you never say anything about that even when I try to illicit. If she tried to have you killed a year ago, believe me in your childhood, she's inflicted serious psychic injuries that are still there
Tony: [Jokingly, sobbingly, puts his shoes on her coffee table] poor me
Dr. Jennifer Melfi: And your father: the gangster, tough guy but did he ever protect you kids from this borderline mother? What the hell was going on there?
Tony: What is this? "Little snacks for thought" for me to take home?
Dr. Jennifer Melfi: I haven't pushed you enough to confront these things, somewhere along the line I became frightened of you
Tony: Frightened?
Dr. Jennifer Melfi: Maybe I should've seen that clearer in the beginning
Tony: [Eventually sings] maybe baby, "I'll have you..."
Dr. Jennifer Melfi: Rage Anthony is a big loud flaming self distraction fraction from feelings that are even more frightening
Tony: What feelings might those be?
Dr. Jennifer Melfi: Sadness, you go off on a racist rant about Indian food, your demented old bat of a mother. What else has happened?
Tony: Nothing
Dr. Jennifer Melfi: After two years treating you I've learned things and I pick up sorrow coming from you
Tony: [Intentionally changing the topic] I had a dream I fucked your brains out, right on that desk, you loved it
Dr. Jennifer Melfi: Well, you threw that me like a rock. Sadness Anthony stay with that. Your mother tried to kill you and you gave her airline tickets
Tony: Fuck you
Dr. Jennifer Melfi: Now you're really in trouble,
Tony: [Before getting up to leave] I'm going to beat this shit, you kidding me? And with that

Dr. Jennifer Melfi: Do you want to tell me what your thinking?
Tony: Believe me, you don't want to know. You want to know what I'm thinking? Seriously?
Dr. Jennifer Melfi: [Nods]
Tony: I'm thinking I'd like to take a brick and smash your fuckin face into fuckin hamburger
Dr. Jennifer Melfi: OK
Tony: Don't worry, I know I broke your coffee table and it's not going to happen again but you asked: I told
Dr. Jennifer Melfi: But you'd like to smash my face
Tony: Not really, it's just a way of describing how I'm feeling
Dr. Jennifer Melfi: Do you think making hamburger out of me would make me feel better?
Tony: Mother of Christ, is this a "woman thing"? You asked me how I'm feeling. I tell you how I'm feeling and now your going to torture me with it. I don't know who I'm angry at, I'm just angry ok? I mean why the fuck am I here? I even asked to come back. I got the world by the balls and I can't stop feeling like a fuckin loser
Dr. Jennifer Melfi: Who makes you feel like a loser? Your mother?
Tony: Please, we wasted enough oxygen on that one. It's everything and everybody. I see some guy walking down the street with a clear head. You know the type, his always fuckin whistling, like the happy wanderer. I just want to go up to him and rip his throat open. I want to fuckin grab him and pummel him for no reason, why should I give a shit if a guy's got a clear head? I should say "good for you."
Dr. Jennifer Melfi: Let's get back to smashing my face
Tony: [Annoyed, leans back on his chair and moans] Jesus Christ
Dr. Jennifer Melfi: No, I think it all ties in
Tony: Alright, sometimes I resent you making me feel like a victim that's all
Dr. Jennifer Melfi: I make you feel like a victim?
Tony: Yeah, remember the first time I came here? I said the kind of man I admire is Gary Cooper: the strong silent type and how all Americans are crying and confessing, complaining, a bunch of fuckin pussies, fuck them, and now I'm one of them: a patient
Dr. Jennifer Melfi: Your parents made it impossible for you to experience joy
Tony: Yeah, see? There you go again
Dr. Jennifer Melfi: You said yourself your not the happy wanderer
Tony: Well I'm more like one of those assholes, fuckin jerk offs, and douche bags I see leaving this office

Dr. Elliot Kupferberg: [during her therapy session, referring to her son] Jason's always been a well-adjusted young man
Dr. Jennifer Melfi: So, why now? Three years at Bard and suddenly, now as a senior, this epic drift, no focus, no drive, his actually talked about dropping out and joining the Forestry Service
Dr. Elliot Kupferberg: Well, some people thrive on solitude
Dr. Elliot Kupferberg: [when she doesn't respond] Senior year, there's something about the light at the end of the tunnel can be very frightening
Dr. Jennifer Melfi: [referring to his daughter] Saskia's a senior, is she going through any of this?
Dr. Elliot Kupferberg: Saskia has always been highly motivated. Where's Richard in all of this anyway?
Dr. Jennifer Melfi: Jason barely speaks to him anymore
Dr. Elliot Kupferberg: Since when?
Dr. Jennifer Melfi: [referring to her own experience] Right after the rape
Dr. Elliot Kupferberg: Jason may be feeling guilty himself: his powerless to avenge you and resents his father for the same shortcomings

Tony: My son, has panic attacks, now obviously we can't send him to military school, pediatrician said, his got that putrid rotten fuckin Soprano gene
Dr. Jennifer Melfi: It's a slight tick in his Fight-or-flight response, it doesn't "brand" him as anything
Tony: You know it comes down through the ages because I remember hearing about my great, great, great grandfather, drove a mule cart over a mountain road. He was transporting these valuable jugs of olive oil, and has a panic attack
Dr. Jennifer Melfi: When you blame your genes, your really blaming yourself and that's what we should be talking about
Tony: Fuckin Verbum Dei School, it turns out it happened before but they didn't tell us, idiot nurse she diagnosed it as dehydration from football practice. Can you believe they did not inform the parents? I prefer to resolve things directly but this time I'm going to sue
Dr. Jennifer Melfi: Well, that's your right
Tony: [Tearfully sighs]
Dr. Jennifer Melfi: Anthony?
Tony: [as she moves the tissue box closer to him, before shaking his head] you don't understand
Dr. Jennifer Melfi: Make me understand
Tony: We can't send him to that place
Dr. Jennifer Melfi: Yes?
Tony: How are we going to save this kid?

Tony: it's not definite but I thought I'd tell you in case I don't show up for an appointment
Dr. Jennifer Melfi: [implying he might be arrested in the near future] so, you're telling me you're planning a vacation but you're not sure exactly when will it will be?
Tony: right, I may never go. Let's put it this way, there's a strong possibility it could happen
Dr. Jennifer Melfi: does "this" have to do with what's been on the news lately?
Dr. Jennifer Melfi: [when he doesn't respond] so if you suddenly stop coming to your appointments, I will have to assume you are on vacation? And I should wait to be contacted?
Tony: that would be a good assumption

Dr. Jennifer Melfi: Are you still taking the lithium?
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: Lithium, Prozac. When's it gonna end?
Dr. Jennifer Melfi: We're trying to give a jolt to your system. Give it... a little kick-start.
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: Why not kick me in the head?
Dr. Jennifer Melfi: What you're going through is very painful, I know that.
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: You get stabbed in the ribs, that's painful. This shit, I don't feel nothing. Nothing. Dead. Empty.

Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: [has invited Dr. Melfi to go to Bermuda with him] Come on, Doc. I'm breaking out the big guns here. You're turning me into half a stalker.
Dr. Jennifer Melfi: Listen, Anthony. I'm not going to go out with you, and it's not because you're unattractive or I don't think I would have a good time. It's just something I'm not going to do. I would like you to respect my decision, and just try to feel that I know what's right for me. Okay?
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: It's not just the doctor-patient ethics thing, is it?
Dr. Jennifer Melfi: I want to preserve the option for you that you could always come back to our work, if you wish, and that we could pick up where we've left off.
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: [frustrated] I don't think you get this. I want you!
Dr. Jennifer Melfi: That's very flattering to me.
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: I'm not interested in flattering you.
Dr. Jennifer Melfi: I know you're not.
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: Alright, then what is it? Just help me understand it.
Dr. Jennifer Melfi: You know, Anthony, during our work I never judged you, or your behavior. It's not the place of a therapist to do so.
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: Alright, I get all this. Go, go.
Dr. Jennifer Melfi: In a personal relationship, I don't think I could sit silent.
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: [amused] About what?
Dr. Jennifer Melfi: Our values are... just very different.
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: You don't like my values.
Dr. Jennifer Melfi: Honestly?
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: Yeah.
Dr. Jennifer Melfi: No.
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: [admiring her bluntness] OK. Like what?
Dr. Jennifer Melfi: It's getting late.
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: No, no. Come on. It's okay.
Dr. Jennifer Melfi: Well... you're not a truthful person. You're not respectful of women. You're not really respectful of people.
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: I don't love people?
Dr. Jennifer Melfi: Maybe you love them, I don't know. You take what you want from them by force, or the threat of force. I couldn't live like that. I couldn't bear witness to violence...
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: FUCK YOU!
[storms out]
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: You fucking cunt!

Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: [meeting privately in her car] I had lunch with that girl next door you know
Dr. Jennifer Melfi: You did?
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: Isabella, she was telling me about Avellino, where my people are from: it sounded nice. Anyway, she was talking and all of a sudden... we went to another place like in my mind's eye, I don't know back in time 1907 or something and we were in this room, me and her and she had this baby she was holding on her breast. She was nursing and she was whispering to it "It's ok little baby, don't cry, it's gonna be ok, I love you"
Dr. Jennifer Melfi: Did the baby have a name?
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: [becoming emotional] She was calling him "Antonio"
Dr. Jennifer Melfi: it's you, that little baby and Isabella, she was nursing you

Tony: [referring to AJ] the kid spends every fuckin night in some club in New York, sleeps until noon, puts in a couple hours at Blockbuster and that's it. Since my injury like I told you I've been "perceptive". Be grateful for what you've got, but maybe that's wrong, maybe I should be on the kid. My dad would've kicked my lazy ass out of the house.
Dr. Jennifer Melfi: Really?
Tony: [Referring to Tony's father committing that act when someone couldn't pay the debt back the debt to Tony's father] it's the chopping off of the guy's finger right? I never should've told you that because that's all you fixate on with him.
Dr. Jennifer Melfi: Can you emphasize with AJ at that age?
Tony: Yeah I had some problems at school but I didn't vegetate
Dr. Jennifer Melfi: These are different times, young people are bombarded with so much information and so much input of every kind, consequently true adulthood is delayed. Sociologists say the new 26 is in fact the new 21
Tony: And the new 26 is what? I'm 46 so that means I'm 35?

Tony: [Referring to his father] I don't fuckin live with my mistress. I mean his fuckin slippers?
Dr. Jennifer Melfi: Go on
Tony: When I left there, I started thinking about it: when I was sixteen years old I came home from school and there was this note from my aunt Quinn. My mother became pregnant, another kid after my sister Barbra "change of life" baby they called it. She started bleeding and I was supposed to find my father and get him over there ASAP. I called every number I had. I left messages all over town then finally ten o'clock at night he called me back. He came and got me the next morning. We went to the hospital, walked into her room. She could've fuckin died from a miscarriage, fuck her
Dr. Jennifer Melfi: Was there any blame on his part? This man you emulate? The lies? The betrayals with other women?
Tony: [Remains silent]
Dr. Jennifer Melfi: Listen to me, this is very important, your mother had her faults but after all this time what should we do with this woman? Burn her at the stake? You need to forgive her and move on
Tony: [Realizes she's right by changing the subject] she made my father give my dog away
Dr. Jennifer Melfi: I thought your father was a big tough guy?
Tony: He probably he didn't want to hear her bullshit anymore, gave my dog away to his girlfriend's kid, big fuckin deal, if it was up to her, she would've had it killed

Tony: What was your mother like? She ever let you down, do anything to hurt your feelings?
Dr. Jennifer Melfi: Of course she did. She was controlling, manipulative at times. She also never tried to kill me.
Tony: I pushed her over the edge.
Dr. Jennifer Melfi: By placing her in a lovely retirement community.
Tony: It's a nursing home!

Tony: [Referring to his mother's passing, disappointed she didn't comment on her passing] "No I'm sorry? My condolences," nothing?
Dr. Jennifer Melfi: [Remains silent]
Tony: Actually that's good, it's a relief your not saying anything if you want to know the truth
Dr. Jennifer Melfi: [Remains silent]
Tony: You know everybody else, bullshit
Dr. Jennifer Melfi: [Remains silent]
Tony: Alright, here's the thing: I'm glad she's dead, not just glad, I wished she died. I had this court case coming up, she might've testified against me so when I heard she was dead, relief flooded into my veins
Dr. Jennifer Melfi: How do you feel about the fact your own mother would've testified against you?
Tony: [Annoyed, regretting what he said about wishing his mother dead] oh come on, will you listen to yourself? I mean is that right? Wishing her dead? Is that being a good son?
Dr. Jennifer Melfi: A good son?
Tony: Yeah a good son, I mean bad sons and...
Dr. Jennifer Melfi: Bad sons what?
Tony: They should fuckin die, that's a fuckin miserable, disgusting thing to be a bad son, I mean your kid better be a good son right?
Dr. Jennifer Melfi: [Remains silent]
Tony: You know what? Your right, why the fuck should I be a good son to that fuckin demented old bat? That fuckin selfish miserable cunt?
Dr. Jennifer Melfi: [Remains silent]
Tony: She ruined my father's life oh yeah
Dr. Jennifer Melfi: But he wasn't "her son" what did she do to you?
Tony: Come on that's a matter of public record in here, we both know...
Dr. Jennifer Melfi: [Referring to the fact that he lobes his mother] You don't like to say it do you?
Tony: Who knows if she even knew what she was doing
Dr. Jennifer Melfi: You're letting her off
Tony: [Referring to Tony's mother planning to have him killed] my uncle denies it, you know, that she took part
Dr. Jennifer Melfi: Your uncle loves you
Tony: I never said he didn't
Dr. Jennifer Melfi: Grown children often secretly wish for an aging parent to die and it's not necessary for the parent to be a witness for the prosecution. It's a taboo thought, but common particularly if the parent has lost all capacity for the joy of being alive
Dr. Jennifer Melfi: [Acknowledging she's right] so, we're probably done here right? she's dead

Richard: [while they prepare dinner, jokingly, referring to Tony] Didn't you see my favorite patient today?
Dr. Jennifer Melfi: Tomorrow
Richard: How's that going?
Dr. Jennifer Melfi: [not wanting to talk about Tony] Let's not
Richard: [referring to stopping Tony's treatment then continuing his therapy sessions] I still wished to Christ you hadn't taken him back
Dr. Jennifer Melfi: [referring to their divorce and reconciling] I took you back
Richard: You think the synergy escapes me? You start treating him, we start seeing each other again. No, seriously...
Dr. Jennifer Melfi: [interrupts him] If you really wanna know, he had a real breakthrough last week
Richard: [amused] Breakthrough what? Somebody's jaw?
Dr. Jennifer Melfi: [sarcastically] Your right, I'm wasting my time: better I should boycott with the National Italian American Foundation and save the world from... oh what is it this week?
Richard: The very idea ABC would even think of producing that stereotypical goombah fest
Dr. Jennifer Melfi: We're the advertisement for the American experiment. We did great
Richard: I'm so fed up with people assuming I'm a thug because my name ends in a vowel: undershirts, yelling, Hollywood tries to give these sociopaths a tragic grandeur of Al Pacino
Dr. Jennifer Melfi: Condescend to me, it gets me so hot
Richard: Tell me a little more about this breakthrough then. You yourself said this guy's an alexithymic: he said Nothing's gonna get through, not if it threatens that straw house his built inside his head to shelter his base criminality. It really concerns me you don't see this, I mean pink slip this guy: his dangerous
Dr. Jennifer Melfi: I'm gonna pink slip you if you don't get that chicken in the oven

Dr. Jennifer Melfi: Why did you have to underhanded? I don't find that appealing frankly
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: I was going to ask you out for coffee or something but I didn't think you'd want to go. I'll pay for the hour, that goes without saying
Dr. Jennifer Melfi: Forget that
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: I was listening to that guy on TV: Dr. Phil and he was talking about a "similar situation" and he said if you could and if you wanted to there's no set rules, it's basically about malpractice, and you probably couldn't get sued
Dr. Jennifer Melfi: That's not the point
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: I was thinking about all kinds of moves: buy her a piece of jewelry, pay the guy to close down the restaurant where she eats lunch, and hire a mandolin player. This is the place where we've been most honest with each other and that's the way I always liked it, so that being said, if you don't like me personally or the cut of my gib or my face or whatever then the matter will end here and I will never ask you out again. You can be honest
Dr. Jennifer Melfi: I like you Anthony, and no you have a very nice face
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: I'm working on the weight too by the way
Dr. Jennifer Melfi: [Stands up] good, explain to me ok? Why this is such a matter of such importance to you. There must be plenty of women out there
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: Your different from what's out there, not to mention being drop dead beautiful
Dr. Jennifer Melfi: My training teaches me to go fairly quickly to the idea that you really want to come back to therapy
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: [Standing up, realizing she's right] Jesus Christ oh mighty will ya?
Dr. Jennifer Melfi: Your marriage of twenty something years has collapsed. No doubt there are issues with your children
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: Why can't I do something that's just for me for a change?
Dr. Jennifer Melfi: It would be for you
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: I want you. Not just for the smart things you say. I want your skin. I want your mouth. I want your eyes
Dr. Jennifer Melfi: You project all these qualities onto me, you don't know me. This is what happens between a doctor and patient...
Dr. Jennifer Melfi: [after he kisses her] don't do that
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: Out of respect for this office. Forget about the way that Tony Soprano makes his way in the world, that's just to feed his children. There's two Tony Sopranos. You've never seen the other one. That's the one I want to show you

Tony: You know we're the only country in the world where the pursuit of happiness is guaranteed in writing? You believe that? Bunch of fucking spoiled brats. Where's my happiness then?
Dr. Jennifer Melfi: It's the pursuit that's guaranteed.
Tony: Yeah. Always a fucking loophole, right?

[Tony urges Dr. Melfi to get out of town for a while]
Dr. Jennifer Melfi: I have patients who are suicidal!
Tony: Well they're not gonna feel any better about their life if you get clipped.

Dr. Jennifer Melfi: There's a psychological condition known as alexithymia, common in certain personalities. The individual craves almost ceaseless action, which enables them to avoid acknowledging the abhorrent things they do.
[Dr Melfi further expounds that their is a high correlation between this condition and anti-social personalities]

Dr. Jennifer Melfi: Do you have any qualms about how you actually make a living?
Tony: Yeah. I find I have to be the sad clown: laughing on the outside, crying on the inside.

Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: You know, sometimes what happens in here is like taking a shit.
Dr. Jennifer Melfi: Yes, okay. Although I prefer to think of it more like childbirth.
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: Trust me. It's like taking a shit.

Tony: I gotta be honest with you. I'm not getting any satisfaction from my work either.
Dr. Jennifer Melfi: Why?
Tony: Well, because of RICO.
Dr. Jennifer Melfi: Is he your brother?
Tony: No. The RICO statutes?
Dr. Jennifer Melfi: Oh.
Dr. Jennifer Melfi: Of course, right.

Dr. Jennifer Melfi: Alright just relax, focus on your breathing, slowly
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: It's not that I just...
Dr. Jennifer Melfi: No, please focus. I've got my medical bag in case
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: I had a fight with my mother and had a fuckin panic attack
Dr. Jennifer Melfi: Ok forget that for now
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: Carmella was supposed to come over with some fuckin yarn for booties she was making for Meadow. She was late, oh why the fuck go into it?
Dr. Jennifer Melfi: Close your eyes, focus on your breathing
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: She was carrying on and I say to her "Carmella loves you, you've got to understand she's got a three month old," she kept going on and I started screaming at her so I left. I went over to the car then boom and cut my fuckin head open
Dr. Jennifer Melfi: And your cousin doesn't know this?
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: No I lied. What am I going to tell them? I had a fight with my mother and fainted? That's why I missed the job. Jesus fuckin Christ!
Dr. Jennifer Melfi: That's a lot to get off your chest
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: I thought I was smart and that's why I bumped him up to protect him, it turns out I'm just a robot to my own pussy-ass weakness
Dr. Jennifer Melfi: His also a capable person
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: You know sometimes what happens in here is like taking a shit.
Dr. Jennifer Melfi: Yes. Ok. Although I prefer to think of it as childbirth.
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: Trust me. It's like taking a shit.

Dr. Jennifer Melfi: [during their first therapy session before recalling the events and people in his life that led to his medical condition] my understanding from Dr. Cusamano, your family physician is that collapsed, possibly a panic attack? You were unable to breathe?
Tony: [correcting her] "they" said it was a panic attack because all of the blood work and all the neurological work came back negative. "They" sent me here
Dr. Jennifer Melfi: you don't agree that you had a panic attack?
Dr. Jennifer Melfi: [after he exhales] how are you feeling now?
Tony: good, fine, back at work
Dr. Jennifer Melfi: what line of work are you in?
Tony: [nods] waste management consultant
Tony: [when she doesn't respond] look, it's impossible for me to talk to a psychiatrist
Dr. Jennifer Melfi: any thoughts at all on why you "blacked out"?
Tony: I don't know, stress, maybe?
Dr. Jennifer Melfi: about what?
Tony: I don't know, the morning of the day I got sick, I've been thinking it's good getting to be in something from the "ground floor" I came too late for that, I know but lately, I'm getting the feeling that I came in at the end: the best is over
Dr. Jennifer Melfi: many Americans I think feel that way
Tony: I think about my father, he never reached the heights like me but in a lot of ways, he had it better. He had his "people" they had their "standards", they had pride. Today, what'd do we got?
Dr. Jennifer Melfi: did you have these feelings of loss more acutely in the hours before you collapsed?
Tony: I don't know, couple months before all this, I see these two wild ducks land on my pool: it was amazing, they're from Canada or some place, maybe it's matting season? They had some ducklings. My daughter's friend was there to drive my daughter Meadow to school. Now, my wife feels this friend is a bad influence. This isn't going to work, I can't talk about my personal life
Dr. Jennifer Melfi: finish telling me about the day you collapsed
Tony: I drove to work with my nephew Christopher, his learning the business: he's an example of what I was talking about before. Bear in mind, this is kid who just himself a sixty-thousand-dollar Lexus. We saw this guy, and there was this issue of an outstanding loan
Dr. Jennifer Melfi: can I stop you for a second? I don't know where this story is going but there are a few ethical ground rules we should quickly get out of the way
Dr. Jennifer Melfi: [after he nods] what you tell me here falls under "doctor-patient confidentiality", except I was to hear let's say a murder was to take place, not that I'm saying it would but "if." If the patient comes to me and tells me a story where someone is going to get hurt, I'm supposed to go to the authorities... technically
Dr. Jennifer Melfi: [when he doesn't respond] you said you were in "Waste Management"
Tony: [nods] the environment
Dr. Jennifer Melfi: Dr. Cusamano, besides being your family physician, is also your next-door neighbor, see what I'm saying? I don't know what happened with this fella... I'm just saying
Tony: [shakes his head] nothing we had coffee
Dr. Jennifer Melfi: [amused] so, you had coffee, go on
Tony: next day, at a breakfast meeting, I was called in by a garbage hauling company I represent, this situation came up that involves my uncle, I can't go into details on this one
Dr. Jennifer Melfi: that's fine
Tony: but I will say this: my uncles to my general stress level. Uncle Junior's my father's brother, good guy, just... getting old, cranky, he used to take me to Yankee games when I was a kid, I love my uncle. At the same time, when I was young, he told my girl cousins I would never be a varsity athlete and frankly, that was a tremendous blow to my self-esteem. And that night was my son's birthday party, my wife invites the priest: his always at the house
Tony: [referring to when he collapsed and lost consciousness] at first, it felt like Ginger Ale on my skull, Dr. Cusamano put me in the hospital: gave me every kind of test
Tony: my nephew was handling the garbage contract problem, but on this I will also not go into detail. Doctors kept "hanging" me about the tests, as doctors will do, so my uncle and I played a round of golf and had lunch
Dr. Jennifer Melfi: you keep mentioning your uncle, what seems to be the problem? Can we focus more on your immediate family?
Tony: my wife and my daughter were not getting along but this shit I'm telling you, it'll all "blow over"
Dr. Jennifer Melfi: didn't you admit to Dr. Cusamano that you were feeling depressed?
Tony: [after noticing diploma on the wall, changing the subject] "Melfi", what part of the boot you from, hon?
Dr. Jennifer Melfi: [referring to how she prefers to be addressed] "Dr." Melfi, my father's people were from Caserta
Tony: [referring to where his relatives are from] Avellino. My mother would have loved it if you and I got together
Dr. Jennifer Melfi: [returning to the subject] anxiety attacks are legitimate psychiatric emergencies, suppose you were driving and you passed out...
Tony: [irritated, interrupts her] let me tell ya something. Nowadays, everybody's gotta go to shrinks, and counselors, and go on "Sally Jessy Raphael" and talk about their problems. What ever happened to Gary Cooper? The strong, silent type. That was an American. He wasn't in touch with his feelings. He just did what he had to do. See, what they didn't know was once they got Gary Cooper in touch with his feelings that they wouldn't be able to shut him up! And then it's dysfunction this, and dysfunction that, and dysfunction vaffancul!
Dr. Jennifer Melfi: [becoming nervous] you have strong feelings about this
Tony: let me tell ya something, I have a semester and a half of college so I understand Freud, I understand "therapy" as a "concept" but in my world, it does not go down, could I be happier? Yeah, who couldn't?

Dr. Jennifer Melfi: Maybe you're feeling guilty
Tony: I don't see that. Why would I?
Dr. Jennifer Melfi: Because his a friend of yours and you're cuckolding him
Tony: [Remains silent, confused]
Dr. Jennifer Melfi: Cuckolding is when a man has an affair with another's wife
Tony: She's not his wife anyway, she's his comare
Dr. Jennifer Melfi: And therefore has no status anyway
Tony: Comare's has status. I mean it's not like in the old days when a man had a wife and then sort of a second wife. It used to be they'd take their wives out Fridays and comares on Saturdays or maybe it's the other way around? Anyway when I came up, it wasn't so formal. A business associate of mine has two full families. One up here, one down in Sea Girt, and the second wife bust his balls just as much as the first.
Dr. Jennifer Melfi: Sounds like a complicated arrangement. I'm afraid our time's up
Tony: Just give me another minute
Dr. Jennifer Melfi: I have a patient waiting
Tony: Then let him wait, you make me wait out there all the time. I just want to ask if it's possible for a man to go out with a woman without really "doing anything" with them?
Dr. Jennifer Melfi: You'll have to be more specific
Tony: He likes them to hurt him, and that's it and he goes and "take care" of himself. His own needs.
Dr. Jennifer Melfi: He sounds like a textbook masochist
Tony: You mean like S&M?
Dr. Jennifer Melfi: The M part yes
Tony: I thought that stuff was just a run up to the act?
Dr. Jennifer Melfi: That's the case for many people but not for people with paraphilias for them seeing humiliated becomes in of itself the sexual release like many other things it's rooted in childhood

Tony: It's in his blood, this miserable fuckin' existence. My rotten, fuckin' putrid genes have infected my kid's soul. That's my gift to my son.
Dr. Jennifer Melfi: I know all this is difficult but I'm very glad we're having this discussion.
Tony: Really, really? 'Cause I gotta be honest, I think it fuckin' sucks.
Dr. Jennifer Melfi: What does?
Tony: This. Therapy. I HATE this fuckin' shit! Seriously, we're both adults here, right? So after all is said and done, after all the complainin' and the cryin' and all the fuckin' bullshit... is this all there is?

Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: [Referring to the age Jackie Jr. died] twenty-two years old. Living in the housing project. Imagine the shame for the family? Fortunately they were no longer boyfriend and girlfriend
Dr. Jennifer Melfi: How's your daughter taking it?
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: Not very well
Dr. Jennifer Melfi: You certainly saw it coming with this boy didn't you?
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: [Slightly nods] in the end, I failed him but what the fuck are you going to do? The world today. I'll tell you one thing though: I'm not going to make the same mistake with AJ. Got expelled, we're sending him to military school
Dr. Jennifer Melfi: You know we never exactly discussed what you want for your children
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: I don't want them to end up in Booton with their face blown off
Dr. Jennifer Melfi: You followed your father's into his business
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: I didn't have a choice. I try to make sure my kids have every opportunity. Meadow's going to Columbia for Christ's sake. She wants to be some kind of professional woman: like you
Dr. Jennifer Melfi: A psychiatrist?
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: And have to listen to guys like me whine all day? She mentioned being a pediatrician once
Dr. Jennifer Melfi: You'd like that?
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: Yeah I would like something like that but the important thing is that she get far away from me. She could live close
Dr. Jennifer Melfi: I think I understand, and your son?
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: AJ? In my business? Forget it, he'd never make it

Dr. Jennifer Melfi: Will I see you next week?
Tony: Unless you know something I don't
Dr. Jennifer Melfi: Just so that you understand I have to charge you for the missed session
Tony: What'd you talking about?
Dr. Jennifer Melfi: We agreed on that on our very first meeting
Tony: I know that but I just explained to you my situation
Dr. Jennifer Melfi: I understand but it's important we respect the agreement
Tony: What if I got hit by a car?
Dr. Jennifer Melfi: But you weren't
Tony: I know but what if?
Dr. Jennifer Melfi: But you weren't
Tony: I know that but what if?
Dr. Jennifer Melfi: You weren't
Tony: Why don't you answer my fuckin question?
Dr. Jennifer Melfi: I will not
Tony: [Agitated, stands up removes a roll of cash and start tossing it on her coffee table] alright because this is what it's all about right? Mother fuckin cock suckin money here!
Dr. Jennifer Melfi: I don't understand that comment and I don't appreciate being made to feel afraid
Tony: I don't appreciate feeling like I pour my heart out to a fuckin call girl
Dr. Jennifer Melfi: Is that how you see me?
Tony: Not until now but it's obvious you don't give a SHIT about my situation or what's happening with me or you wouldn't be shaking me down
Dr. Jennifer Melfi: It'll be shown as paid on next month's bill
Tony: Fine. Stick it up your ass

Tony: [Eventually telling her what he wants to talk about today] I know I'm on probation and I deeply regret what I did: my nephew's fiancee
Dr. Jennifer Melfi: [Remains silent]
Tony: I know what you're thinking
Dr. Jennifer Melfi: So?
Tony: Nothing happened but it could've very easily. She really got to me, this young lady
Dr. Jennifer Melfi: [Nods]
Tony: What?
Dr. Jennifer Melfi: This is a very big step
Tony: Yeah, tell me about it
Dr. Jennifer Melfi: I mean you come here to talk about this impulse instead of just acting on it without thinking
Tony: I always think
Dr. Jennifer Melfi: Really?
Tony: Yeah
Dr. Jennifer Melfi: Having sex with your mistress's cousin, like the mistress wasn't enough to piss off your wife?
Tony: [Remains silent]
Dr. Jennifer Melfi: Tell me about the niece
Tony: She's drop dead gorgeous, with someone like her I could do it right this time. I could start a whole new family
Dr. Jennifer Melfi: This is something you're contemplating?
Tony: What? It'd be a disaster. Of major proportions. Carmella I can "hose" financially there'd no reason with her after that and my nephew, it'd kill him. After years of grooming him to be my number two. It'd be very bad for the young girl, she doesn't deserve that. I know I'm not stupid and I'm part of this "father figure" thing and account of hers ran off
Dr. Jennifer Melfi: It would be like committing an act of "symbolic incest"
Tony: Whatever, what am I going to do? I got lucky the first time because I was able to control myself but you only get one of those
Dr. Jennifer Melfi: Rationalizing "I can't control myself." You can
Tony: [Eventually points to his head] I don't know, it's different for women, it's all about up here with them
Dr. Jennifer Melfi: She could make a play for you, you might want to think about going to establish limits and boundaries. For example, you can tell her she means a great deal to you but you think of her as a daughter
Tony: Even if I want to fuck her brains out?
Dr. Jennifer Melfi: This is a mild stone for you. You're at a very important crossroads. For once you want to avoid doing something you know is wrong and would be destructive both to yourself and to the people you care about. That's growth. That's progress
Tony: Tell me what I'm supposed to do
Dr. Jennifer Melfi: You have to be honest with yourself. I know this is a powerful urge but if you can't keep it in your pants you have to stay away from her. You know, not long ago you stood in my outer office. I recall you used the words "drop dead gorgeous" about me and how you had to have me. I said I wouldn't date you and look, you survived
Tony: What a horrible fuckin job you have. How do you do it?
Dr. Jennifer Melfi: What happens now is your choice. Act and create a "bed of misery" or you can look at this as a chance to do something good. You say she respects you. Be worthy of respect. See if you remain a friend to this woman. A help to her.

Tony: [referring to his father's former mistress] So I talked to her for like an hour, turns out her and my old man had a "thing", right up until he died. He got from her what he couldn't get at home, support, love, a smile when you walk through the fuckin door
Dr. Jennifer Melfi: Do you think that justifies his infidelity?
Tony: She drove him into that woman's arms, my mother, to all his women. I'll tell you one thing: all the years he was rotten in that grave, I can't remember once my mother visiting him but this lady Fran...
Dr. Jennifer Melfi: [interrupts him] It's possible your mother found it very painful?
Tony: [sarcastically] Oh, poor her

Dr. Jennifer Melfi: [That retirement community is] more like a hotel at Cap d'Antibes.
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: [later repeating it to his mother] It's more like a hotel at Captain Teeb's!
Livia: Who's he?
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: The Captain owns luxury hotels or something. I don't know! That's not the point!

Dr. Jennifer Melfi: do you feel depressed?
Dr. Jennifer Melfi: [when he doesn't respond] do you feel depressed?
Tony: since the ducks left, I guess?
Dr. Jennifer Melfi: [before abruptly leaves] the ducks that preceded you losing consciousness: let's talk about them

Tony: [Referring to how his children socialize with their friends] My girl did the same thing, at his age, always in a group, what's that about?
Dr. Jennifer Melfi: What's it about for you?
Tony: In my day a boy and a girl went on a date and your father hoped you wouldn't get too far or else you'd get the girl knocked up and her parents would come over and break your legs
Dr. Jennifer Melfi: I don't think it's about him going to the mall with a group that bothered you, it was that he wanted to go to mall instead of the movies with you
Tony: Well, his getting to that age where his got a life of his own
Dr. Jennifer Melfi: One that doesn't include you
Tony: It was always "we'll do this", "we're going to do that..."
Dr. Jennifer Melfi: Not so fast I've heard you many times about being with your son
Tony: Yeah well that's over now... gone... done
Dr. Jennifer Melfi: Its bitter sweet this period, you're glad they're growing up but you're sad to lose them
Tony: [Intentionally changing the subject] I could be going away, for a very long time for something I didn't do
Dr. Jennifer Melfi: [Remains silent]
Tony: [Offended by her not showing any emotions, sarcastically] how about "gee that's too bad Anthony" or "what a shame Tony"
Dr. Jennifer Melfi: We can't go into specifics on this
Tony: Well, here's something "specific", I didn't do anything wrong, we're not suppose to talk about it. I could be going to the can for the rest of my life and I'm not supposed to discuss it with my psychiatrist? What the fuck are you for anyway?
Dr. Jennifer Melfi: How does that make you feel? The idea that you might be sent to prison
Tony: I've just got to stay around a little while for the kids, especially my boy. Once his out of the house the government can do whatever the fuck they want to do, give me life, give me the chair, whatever they want
Dr. Jennifer Melfi: I've never seen you like this
Tony: Like what?
Dr. Jennifer Melfi: Scared
Tony: [Amused] you know I wouldn't use that word but sometimes I feel, I don't know, you mother fuckers, you know I don't fuckin deserve this
Dr. Jennifer Melfi: [Intentionally changing the subject] how's your medication?
Tony: [Shifting in his seat]
Dr. Jennifer Melfi: [Sensing he feels uncomfortable] Maybe we should stop

Dr. Jennifer Melfi: That Departures magazine out there. Did you give any thought at all to someone else who might wanna read before you tore out the entire page?
Tony: What?
Dr. Jennifer Melfi: It's not the first time you've defaced my reading materials.
Tony: You saw that, huh? People tear shit outta your magazines all the time, they're a mess. I try to read 'em.
Dr. Jennifer Melfi: I don't think I can help you.
Tony: Well, change 'em. Bring in some new shit.
Dr. Jennifer Melfi: I mean therapeutically.
Tony: What are you talkin' about? I've only missed three appointments since we had that heart-to-heart.
Dr. Jennifer Melfi: The new big thing these days is called psychodynamic therapy combined with Anafranil.
Tony: Who?
Dr. Jennifer Melfi: A medication. There's a doctor in Bloomfield you could see.
Tony: Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, OK? Now what the fuck is this? You're, uh, firin' me 'cause I defaced your Departures magazine.
Dr. Jennifer Melfi: I'm giving you my considered medical opinion.
Tony: OK, I should've asked you for the steak recipe. And missin' sessions, unfortunately, is part of my condition.
Dr. Jennifer Melfi: What do you know about your condition? You miss appointments because you don't give a shit. About commitments, about what I do, about the body of work that's gone into building up this science!... Go ahead, tell me again I sound like your wife.
Tony: Well, if the shoe fits.
[Dr. Melfi stands up]
Tony: We're making progress! It's been seven years!
Dr. Jennifer Melfi: Do you want some names?
Tony: [stands up] OK, listen, I'm gonna tell you somethin' and you're not gonna like it. But we can say anything in here, right?
Dr. Jennifer Melfi: Go ahead!
Tony: I'm chalkin' this all up to female menopausal situations.
Dr. Jennifer Melfi: You're not my gynecologist.
Tony: Well, you don't need a gynecologist to know which way the wind blows.
[Dr. Melfi opens the door]
Tony: So, wait a minute. You tellin' me after all this time, after everything we've shared in here, you're cuttin' me loose just as my son got outta the hospital for tryin' to kill himself?
Dr. Jennifer Melfi: Since you are in crisis, I don't wanna waste your time.
Tony: You know, I gotta be fuckin' honest. As a doctor, I think what you're doin' is immoral.
[Tony walks out to the waiting room. He exaggeratedly places the page back in the magazine, looks at Dr. Melfi angrily and leaves. She closes the door]

Tony: [Referring to his daughter Meadow] the kid was suppose to get a job this summer: an internship, then it wasn't right for what she was studying, ok that's one down then she was going to be a hostess at Artie Bucco's restaurant. I got her that and there was a problem that she couldn't work Tuesdays and Thursdays because of her babysitting commitments and Artie didn't try to understand so she left. Then the babysitting family disappeared to Nantucket, then something else fell through
Dr. Jennifer Melfi: So, she's regressing
Tony: She keeps it up she'll be back "in the womb"
Dr. Jennifer Melfi: Over the course of a child's life there's a constant moving away and coming back, security versus freedom but what I find interesting and if I'm hear you right, is that at the age of nineteen she actually wants to stay close to home
Tony: Well, see that's what I was going to say, she did have someone close: die
Dr. Jennifer Melfi: Jackie
Tony: But she brings that up whenever you ask her to clean up or whatever, she's "traumatized"
Dr. Jennifer Melfi: He was shot to death
Tony: Yeah it's tragic that kid
Dr. Jennifer Melfi: It was some kind of drug deal you said?
Tony: Yeah exactly all the "earmarks", no its got to be tough but they've broken up and he wasn't very nice to her
Dr. Jennifer Melfi: Maybe it's a manipulation in part
Tony: She's got a hard on about Columbia: "it's so competitive"
Dr. Jennifer Melfi: But it doesn't mean her pain over Jackie's death isn't real. Has she said to you or Carmella she's depressed?
Tony: Oh, come on with that shit, she's going to be alright
Dr. Jennifer Melfi: Maybe she should be on medication? And her anger is focused on Carmella? Not on you?
Tony: I catch some shit, we were always close even in that "fifteen year old" period where she can hardly stomach Carmella
Dr. Jennifer Melfi: Well, you are the dad. The template for all future lovers
Tony: She loves me, I know that, since she was a tiny baby
Dr. Jennifer Melfi: It might be helpful if she saw someone. Dr. Wendi Kobler, she's adolescent psychologist and an educational consultant
Tony: What'd you mean? Talk about private family stuff like I do here with you?
Dr. Jennifer Melfi: Yes
Tony: Like you said she's going back to school, be with her college pals, back to the "grindstone", that's all good shit

Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: [Tony is at Dr. Melfi's shortly after having a monetary dispute with Hesh] You got a lot of Jews in your business right?
Dr. Jennifer Melfi: What do you mean?
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: This.
[surveys her office]
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: . You gotta hand it to 'em. When it comes to money.
Dr. Jennifer Melfi: I've found that that's nothing more than an ugly stereotype.
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: Really? Because I got a friend, you tie a krugerrand to a fishing line, you're gonna land him.
[makes a sound emulating a fishing line being reeled in]
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: . Right up on the dock.

Dr. Jennifer Melfi: So, this "person", this witness changed his or her mind?
Tony: I don't know what happened
Dr. Jennifer Melfi: You don't?
Tony: What's that suppose to mean?
Dr. Jennifer Melfi: [Shrugs]
Tony: You know when I was in Italy, I met someone that reminded me of you. A woman and it's not what you think
Dr. Jennifer Melfi: Like me in what way?
Tony: Smart, you know what she said to me?
Dr. Jennifer Melfi: What did she say?
Tony: She told me I'm my own worst enemy
Dr. Jennifer Melfi: That's kind of a cliche isn't it?
Tony: Well, you had to be there, she's one of them "witchy" broads, not like a psychic but...
Dr. Jennifer Melfi: I didn't mean to sound disparaging
Tony: That's some ancient culture over there, they believe all this weird shit like sibyl
Dr. Jennifer Melfi: Sibyls?
Tony: Like I said, you had to be there, ok so I wanted to fuck her but she's right, what she said? I mean I bring all this on myself, I mean that's what you keep telling me
Dr. Jennifer Melfi: Yes I suppose it is, at root, the question is, how do you stop?
Tony: You know what?
Dr. Jennifer Melfi: What?
Tony: [Before getting up to leave] I dodged a very big bullet, and I'm feeling very fuckin good about it so I don't need anymore psychiatry today

Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: You know where I was yesterday when you called?
Dr: I don't know.
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: I was outside a whorehouse, while a guy that works for me was inside beating the shit out of a guy that owes me money. Broke his arm. Put a bullet in his kneecap.
Dr: How'd that make you feel?
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: Wished it was me in there.
Dr: Giving the beating or taking it?

Tony: What about Pussy?
Dr. Jennifer Melfi: [looks confused]
Tony: He's an acquaintance of mine.

Dr. Jennifer Melfi: [during her therapy session, referring to Tony] Richard was right: I've been "charmed" by a sociopath, why didn't I listen?
Dr. Elliott Kupferberg: Why do you think?
Dr. Jennifer Melfi: Why did I reject a good man like Richard in the first place? If you think about my life, it's so "textbook." Marry a man ten years my senior, of course Richard's gonna be "protective" and "patriarchal" and then I reject him for exactly that
Dr. Elliott Kupferberg: There's nothing wrong with wanting to be safe: it's a basic human need
Dr. Jennifer Melfi: I know Richard's right, I should get Tony Soprano... oh shit
Dr. Elliott Kupferberg: I always thought it was the other guy in the news, Little Augie Aprile
Dr. Jennifer Melfi: I can't believe I revealed his name
Dr. Elliott Kupferberg: Why did you? Does Richard know who he is?
Dr. Jennifer Melfi: I think he saw it in my daytime once. That's why his been so adamant because Soprano is very "high up"
Dr. Elliott Kupferberg: And if he was some "button man", you wouldn't be treating him?
Dr. Jennifer Melfi: Please with the terminology...
Dr. Elliott Kupferberg: You know psychotherapy is "limited" in the treatment of anxiety disorder, now you've medicated Soprano properly, you've helped him "gain" what "insight" in what his able to absorb... it's time to send him on to a behaviorist

Tony: I'm havin' second thoughts.
Dr. Jennifer Melfi: About?
Tony: This whole thing. This whole arrangement. Security. I mean I come here, I tell you things, I don't know how safe it is.
Dr. Jennifer Melfi: I understand your concerns. But I told you what the ground rules are. As long as I don't hear anything incriminating...
Tony: You don't fuckin' get it. Bein' here incriminates me. Somebody sees me, they tell somebody else. All of a sudden, I'm a celebrity.

Carmela: [running into each other in the supermarket] Hi, how are you?
Dr. Jennifer Melfi: How are you is more the point
Carmela: I'm running around crazy here: my son was supposed to get coffee but he told the maid to, it's the one thing I have to have. I got your note, it was so thoughtful
Dr. Jennifer Melfi: I've been calling the hospital and they say Anthony is stabilized
Carmela: That's what they say
Dr. Jennifer Melfi: If you or anyone needs anything, to talk or to run winterference with the doctors, don't hesitate to call
Carmela: I appreciate that, I have plenty of people around I can talk to
Dr. Jennifer Melfi: Of course, good luck

Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: Excuse me, let me tell you something... When America opened up the floodgates and let all us Italians in, what do you think they were doing it for? 'Cause they were trying to save us from poverty? No, they did it because they needed us. They needed us to build their cities and dig their subways, and to make them richer. The Carnegies and The Rockerfellers: they needed worker bees and there we were. But some of us didn't want to swarm around their hive and lose who we were. We wanted to stay Italian and preserve the things that meant something to us: honor and family and loyalty... and some of us wanted a piece of the action. Now we weren't educated like the Americans, but we had the BALLS to take what we wanted! And those other folks, those other... the, the JP Morgans, they were crooks and killers too, but that was the business right? The American Way.
Dr. Jennifer Melfi: That might all be true, but what do poor Itailian immigrants have to do with you and what happens every morning you step out of bed?
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: What the fuck is this all of a sudden?
Dr. Jennifer Melfi: I'm just asking a question.
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: Oh, so YOU'RE taking a stand now, huh? You pick HERE to make a stand? After all this time telling me that nothing's my fault, because of poor parenting. You pick now to act like Betsy "Fuckin'" Ross! When my nephew is in the fuckin' hospital! He might not get out!

Dr. Jennifer Melfi: Let's get back to Pie-O-My, it's sad that you lost something you loved. That being said, it is a horse.
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: What the fuck's the matter with you?

Dr. Jennifer Melfi: How are things?
Tony: Good. I had a real good week. Friend of mine's in the hospital. That's never pleasant, but... Otherwise I'm having a good week.
Dr. Jennifer Melfi: What's he in for?
Tony: First they thought it was an ulcer. You know, then this and that.
Dr. Jennifer Melfi: You worried about him?
Tony: Jackie? Jackie's so fucking mean, he'll scare that cancer away.

Dr. Jennifer Melfi: Genetic predispositions are only that: predispositions. It's not a destiny written in stone. People have choices.
Tony: She finally offers an opinion!
Dr. Jennifer Melfi: You think that everything that happens is preordained? You don't think that human beings possess free will?
Tony: How come I'm not making freakin' pots in Peru? You're born to this shit. You are what you are.
Dr. Jennifer Melfi: Within that, there is a range of choices. This is America!
Tony: Right... America.

Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: I need you to give me a number of a good shrink
Dr. Jennifer Melfi: Oh
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: For a girl I was seeing
Dr. Jennifer Melfi: [Remains silent]
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: What?
Dr. Jennifer Melfi: Was?
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: Yeah, I broke up with her and she tried to kill herself. She drank a quart of vodka, the fuckin ambulance came, pumped her stomach, and it cost me three grand
Dr. Jennifer Melfi: She should've been seen by the psychiatrist in the hospital
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: He was a Romanian and they have some beef that goes back centuries and she wouldn't talk to him
Dr. Jennifer Melfi: Do you feel responsible for her suicide attempt?
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: I was bangin her for two years
Dr. Jennifer Melfi: Was that a hard chip on her?
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: That's cute, do you know how many women I've been through? I don't know why I just don't say "fuck it" with this one
Dr. Jennifer Melfi: Why do you think?
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: Well, she's a sweet kid underneath it all. I think she's seriously depressed
Dr. Jennifer Melfi: You feel for her. I'm interested in why your ending it
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: What'd you mean "why"? Isn't that what I'm supposed to do? Aren't you telling me that all the time in here?
Dr. Jennifer Melfi: I don't think I ever passed judgment on your sex life or any patient's sex life
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: Even if I'm twenty years older than her? And I'm married
Dr. Jennifer Melfi: [Surprised by his sudden fidelity to Carmella]
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: What's wrong with you?
Dr. Jennifer Melfi: Why now?
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: Why now? Because it's not fun anymore ok? Are you going to recommend someone or not?

Dr. Jennifer Melfi: and the family's well?
Carmela: honestly, I'm a little concerned about our daughter
Dr. Jennifer Melfi: what's the problem?
Carmela: she's dating a boy... the son of some friends of the family actually
Tony: [to Melfi] I think I mentioned him to you. I don't know, I guess I'm not as "optimistic" as I once was
Dr. Jennifer Melfi: she was dating a different boy, a young African American man?
Carmela: they broke up, actually, he broke it off with her
Tony: [to Melfi] believe that?
Carmela: well, you didn't exactly give him much choice Tony
Tony: oh, so now I'm responsible for her being with Jackie?
Carmela: I'm just saying if you hadn't been so mean to him, who knows? Maybe she might not be with this one
Dr. Jennifer Melfi: [when Tony doesn't respond] I find it very interesting that your able to talk about this without ranker
Carmela: actually, we haven't been arguing as much lately
Tony: it's the therapy, we're learning how to communicate

Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: Alright so I used to cheat. I'm not getting "spayed", end of subject
Dr. Jennifer Melfi: You brought up the vasectomy and now you don't want to talk about it
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: You asked me what was going on
Dr. Jennifer Melfi: I saw on the news about a gangland shooting
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: Yeah
Dr. Jennifer Melfi: Is that your nephew Christopher? That you've spoken of before? In the papers said his going to be critical condition
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: His going to be fine
Dr. Jennifer Melfi: Have they found the person that shot him yet?
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: No, have you?
Dr. Jennifer Melfi: I'm not trying to pry into that part of your life, I know our "deal" but I've heard you say before you love this young man
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: Christopher was clinically dead for about a minute. He thinks he had one of those near death "experiences." He says he visited hell and "they" told him he'd be back permanent
Dr. Jennifer Melfi: Who's "they"?
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: Its bullshit, it was a dream combined with the morphine and now he thinks his going to hell when he dies and his all fucked up over it
Dr. Jennifer Melfi: Do you think he'll go to hell?
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: No, his not the type that deserves hell
Dr. Jennifer Melfi: Who do you think does?
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: The worst people: the twisted and demented psychos who kill people for pleasure, the cannibals, the degenerate bastards that molest and torture little kids, kill babies, the Hitler's, the Pol Pots. Those are the fucks that deserve to die: not my nephew
Dr. Jennifer Melfi: What about you?
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: What? Hell? You've been listening to me? No, for the same reasons. We're soldiers; soldiers don't go to hell. Its war, soldiers kill other soldiers. We're in a "situation" where everybody involved knows the "stakes" and if you're going to accept those "stakes", you've got to do certain "things." It's business, we're soldiers. We follow codes: orders

Dr. Jennifer Melfi: [to Carmela and Tony during Tony's therapy session] so things are better then? Since our first session?
Carmela: Yes I guess, we seem to talk more easily
Dr. Jennifer Melfi: Sometimes painful sessions can break the "log jam"
Carmela: [Referring to Tony remaining silent] yes, then there's this
Dr. Jennifer Melfi: [to Tony] you're being particularly quiet today,
Tony: Sometimes I got nothing to say
Dr. Jennifer Melfi: Anthony, Carmela is here, she's giving up her time to talk about your panic attacks
Tony: A young man who worked for us at Barone sanitation died
Carmela: Who?
Tony: You don't know him. He died that's all, a "work related" death. It's sad when they go so young

Tony: I came here today to tell you, in all seriousness, that I'm done. I did what you said. I gave it a lot of thought and I decided, once and for all, it's over. The truth is this therapy is a jerk-off. You know it and I know it.
Dr. Jennifer Melfi: I actually don't know it but please continue.
Tony: It's a jerk-off.
Dr. Jennifer Melfi: Yes, you've said that.

Tony: [Referring to his son] maybe I don't want to admit there's something wrong with my kid but this sounds like bullshit to me
Dr. Jennifer Melfi: What'd you mean?
Tony: If it's a disease why do they tell me to punish him? Doesn't that sound like bullshit?
Dr. Jennifer Melfi: ADD is a controversial subject
Tony: Is it a disease or is it a way for these psychologists to line their pockets?
Dr. Jennifer Melfi: Many children can benefit from professional intervention
Tony: He got into a little trouble
Dr. Jennifer Melfi: So, you don't consider his behavior out of the norm?
Tony: No, I don't know, what do I know about it?
Dr. Jennifer Melfi: What'd you mean?
Tony: Oh, I've got to spell it out for you?
Dr. Jennifer Melfi: Do you see his behavior a reflection of your own?
Tony: Look like I said maybe I don't want to admit there's something wrong but if his got this "thing", we'll deal with it. If he had Polio, we'll deal with it. You pick up the pieces and you go on from there so that's what we're going to do
Dr. Jennifer Melfi: Do you have anything else you want to say about this?
Tony: [Shakes his head]
Dr. Jennifer Melfi: Last time you were telling me you had intimate feelings for me
Tony: "Intimate feelings"? I think I said I was in love
Dr. Jennifer Melfi: How are you doing with it?
Tony: Well, I can't just turn off my feelings because you tell me it's a by-product of therapy
Dr. Jennifer Melfi: I never said you should turn off your feelings
Tony: Well, I already got a girlfriend. She's Russian she's twenty four. How old are you?
Dr. Jennifer Melfi: I find it interesting it took you so long to tell me you have a girlfriend
Tony: Look, I've got to ask you one more question about my son, you think I should go easy on him or press him a little harder?
Dr. Jennifer Melfi: That's difficult to say

Tony: [Referring to Christopher and Carmella] He was high a fuckin kite, I didn't tell her that
Dr. Jennifer Melfi: In retrospect, maybe not the best approach
Tony: Right, I'm the asshole, again
Dr. Jennifer Melfi: [after noticing Tony pause for a second] what? No go ahead
Tony: It's amazing how some things work, his mother, my cousin Joanne: a lush, totally abandoned him as a parent and now she's reaping all the sympathy and tears .
Dr. Jennifer Melfi: How are you doing Anthony?
Tony: There's been some hard moments, a weak fuckin lying drug addict who fantasized about my downfall even showed people his filthy thoughts on a movie screen. I've seen friends died before, accidents even murder. My cousin Tony, they shot his face away. I was prostate with grief but this?
Dr. Jennifer Melfi: I see
Tony: And it occurs to me I hand carried this kid through the worst crisis he ever had. I can't go into particulars but wives, girlfriends they can complicate life in major ways I don't have to tell you that. It was a huge problem of his own making and he cried, he couldn't deal with it. So, I took up the slack. I handled it, I felt sorry for him and he talked gratitude but guess what pity produces in the recipient? They shit on your pity and that's what broke the camel's back.
Dr. Jennifer Melfi: How are you dealing with this?
Tony: The worst part? Truthfully? Because I've got to sit there with people who are hurt bad and I've got to have the long face and the sighing, the platitudes but I don't feel it and that makes feel like a hypocrite

Tony: I stopped at a light yesterday and I see this nanny, black girl, pushin' a baby carriage. Comin' the other way, was another one with this old lady in a wheelchair starin' off into space.
Dr. Jennifer Melfi: The circle of life.
Tony: Circle-jerk of life. Where's the dignity?
Dr. Jennifer Melfi: If you're lucky, in the end you can let go of you pride. Let your loved ones care for you.
Tony: I'd rather they hold a pillow over my face.
Dr. Jennifer Melfi: I find it interesting you would say that. You tried to smother your mother with a pillow.
Tony: What?
Dr. Jennifer Melfi: In the hospital after her stroke.
Tony: The fuck I did! I grabbed a pillow but it was... just to keep my hands occupied.

Tony: Its 3am, I'm wide awake
Dr. Jennifer Melfi: Something specific?
Tony: It's a "management" problem, it's a situation with an underling, now it's partly my fault. But he have never done what he did
Dr. Jennifer Melfi: What was it? Could you tell me that?
Tony: Caused an early "retirement" for somebody else, I think he thought he was more important, he fucked up. Now ordinarily I'd just you know, just put him "out to pasture". But his a very valuable piece of man power
Dr. Jennifer Melfi: Is it complicated by a personal relationship?
Tony: [Intentionally changing the subject] I've been reading that book you were telling me about The Art of War by Sun Tzu
Dr. Jennifer Melfi: [Nods]
Tony: I mean here's this guy, a Chinese general wrote this thing twenty four hundred years ago and most of it still applies today, bought the enemy's power, force him to reveal himself
Dr. Jennifer Melfi: [Interrupts him] I have to ask, are you in any sort of danger?
Tony: No, can I go on? Most of the guys I know read Prince Machiavelli and I had Carmela get the Cliffs Notes once and his ok, but this book is much better about strategy
Tony: [Intentionally changing the subject] Listen I wanted to ask you about that woman that was here today, the Mercedes sales lady
Dr. Jennifer Melfi: I'm very sorry about the confusion
Tony: What does someone like that need a shrink for?
Dr. Jennifer Melfi: I can't talk about another patient
Tony: It just makes you wonder that's all

Dr. Jennifer Melfi: Last week we talked about you feeling like the "sad clown"
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: [Remains silent, takes a deep sigh]
Dr. Jennifer Melfi: What's going on now?
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: Well, I had a dream the other night. I was riding in a Cadillac like my father used to have. Carmella was driving. I was in the back passenger seat. Sitting next to me was Gloria. Sitting in front of me next to Carmella was a business associate of mine. His the one whose son had the accident. I don't know where we were going, no place. We didn't seem to be going anywhere, kind of like this therapy. And it was hot in the car: it was stuffy. There was no air conditioning and that's all of it. Oh and my friend had a caterpillar on his head and turned into a butterfly
Dr. Jennifer Melfi: Has your friend recently changed?
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: Not "friend", business associate, and no
Dr. Jennifer Melfi: What'd you think the dream means?
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: Can't you just fuckin what the fuckin dream means? I mean you obviously know. Why do we have to go through this exercise every time?
Dr. Jennifer Melfi: I don't obviously know. I didn't have the dream. The meaning is illicit, it's re-verbalization
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: [Remains silent, waiting for her to explain his dream]
Dr. Jennifer Melfi: OK your wife,your mistress, a business associate, you, all in the same car? Your father's car
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: With my wife driving, which if my father were alive he wouldn't have stood for it for two fuckin seconds
Dr. Jennifer Melfi: I hear anger
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: No, I'm just saying the old guys were different: men in the front, wives in the back
Dr. Jennifer Melfi: You like that arrangement
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: [Jokingly] actually I think the wife should ride in a little cart behind the car like in the cartoons. Like behind Noah's ark there's a little boat with skunks
Dr. Jennifer Melfi: So, wives are skunks?
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: Oh Jesus fuckin Christ, it's a fuckin joke, does it have to be fuckin cancer hospital in here?
Dr. Jennifer Melfi: But Carmella is in control in the dream
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: Why? Because she's driving?
Dr. Jennifer Melfi: Whatever is going on with the other two, you want to square it with Carmella?
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: Why?
Dr. Jennifer Melfi: That's what we need to find out. Freud said dreams are wishes
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: Dreams are wishes? I thought you said dreams represent "repressed urges"
Dr. Jennifer Melfi: It depends
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: You know I ought to quit this therapy. Maybe it's this, maybe it's that. What about impulse control? I've been sitting in this chair for four fuckin years and still nothing's been done about that, and it leads me to make mistakes in my work. What good did you do about that?
Dr. Jennifer Melfi: Let's get back to the dream
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: Oh fuck the dream, it's just a dream. Jesus Christ the money I've been dropping in here I could've bought a Ferrari. At least I would've got a blow job out of that
Dr. Jennifer Melfi: What'd you mean?
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: Please huh? Don't get me started
Dr. Jennifer Melfi: I think your glossing over the significant accomplishments we've made in here
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: [sarcastically, recalling her diagnosis] "oh my mother would cum if she looked at a pot roast", oh your second in the birthing order", oh Carmella's driving the car", "oh how fuckin interesting"
Dr. Jennifer Melfi: When you first came here you were clinically depressed. You suffered from panic attacks that put your life in danger. There's been significance relief in both those areas
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: Yeah but come on, I've coming here for four years now. I've been a good sport

Dr. Jennifer Melfi: What was it like sitting sitting there with Fran?
Tony: It was a little weird at first. Here I am comforting my father's mistress, my mother's lyin' there dead.
Dr. Jennifer Melfi: Are you attracted to her?
Tony: Come on, she's old enough to be my mother.
[Dr. Melfi shrugs]
Tony: Oh, Jesus Christ, it's an expression. Don't cream yourself. I did not want to fuck my mother! You should have seen her in her housedress with that hairnet. This conversation would be over in two seconds.

Tony: I'm trying to keep a low profile, what's the fuckin point? I'm still a miserable prick and I'm still passing out
Dr. Jennifer Melfi: [Remains silent]
Tony: Well, you seem very mellow today?
Dr. Jennifer Melfi: Let's talk about you
Tony: [Eventually referring to the suicide of the actor George Sanders] You seem like you're on drugs and I'm boring myself to death and I'm ready for the "George Sanders long walk here"
Dr. Jennifer Melfi: Do you know why a shark keeps moving?
Tony: [while rubbing his head] they gotta keep moving or they'll die or something

Tony: you know, I was on a good run then boom! I don't know it's like I'm walking down the street and I'm looking up because I feel like a safe is going to land on my head
Dr. Jennifer Melfi: A feeling of a pending doom?
Tony: Let me ask you a question: this "mental stuff" could cause physical problems right?
Dr. Jennifer Melfi: Are you having any physical problems?
Tony: No I'm fine but I got a "friend", a dear dear "friend" and I'm concerned about him
Dr. Jennifer Melfi: What's wrong with him?
Tony: It's his back, see his complaining about his back but I think the doctor thinks it's all in his head
Dr. Jennifer Melfi: It's very possible
Tony: What'd you think?
Dr. Jennifer Melfi: I think we should just keep this about you
Tony: This is about me
Dr. Jennifer Melfi: Every time I offer my opinion on any of your friends it seems to interfere with our therapy and you start cursing and screaming
Tony: What kind of mental stuff would cause a back ache?
Dr. Jennifer Melfi: For "conversation" sake?
Tony: Absolutely
Dr. Jennifer Melfi: For some people the pain is caused by more responsibility than they can handle
Tony: [Nods] that makes sense, his got a lot of bills, a lot of problems with his kid's "school fund"
Dr. Jennifer Melfi: Secrets
Tony: What'd you mean?
Dr. Jennifer Melfi: Psychologically a secret is a heavy load, it leads to feelings of guilt which further burdens the mind

Paulie: [Referring to Beansie] Richie broke a chair over his head.
Tony: Are you shitting me?
Paulie: Then he smacked Beansie's head with the coffee pot and broke his cheekbone.
Tony: Prick, I talked to him yesterday, he's all "sweetness and lights." This "big brother" shit is getting old.
Dr. Jennifer Melfi: Hey, how you've been?
Tony: Can't complain. You look good.
Paulie: Where are your friends going?
Johnny: Yeah, tell them to come back and join us.
Tony: No, they're leaving.
Dr. Jennifer Melfi: It's my first time here, the veal is excellent.
Tony: What are we making? Small talk now?
Dr. Jennifer Melfi: Nice to see you.
Tony: Yeah, you too.
Silvio: Not a bad ass.
Salvatore: [to Tony, referring to Dr. Melfi's breasts] She had nice "pipes" for the lips, no disrespect.
Tony: What do I give a fuck? I hardly know her.
Silvio: [to Pussy] You would take the tits over the lips?
Salvatore: Trust me, my boy, there's two things I'm good at: pulling dents and spotting good blowjobs, and that sweetie has world class blowjob lips, am I right skipper? You ought to know.
Tony: What the fuck do I know? It was a long time ago. Alright, she was good.
Paulie: Good? Or great?
Tony: Why the fuck are you busting my balls? It was a long time ago.
Paulie: [to Tony] Hey, I remember every blowjob I ever got.
Paulie: [to Sil] How about you? You remember your first blowjob?
Silvio: Yeah, of course.
Paulie: [Jokingly] How long did it take for the guy to cum?

Dr. Jennifer Melfi: I've sat here dreading the end of the story would involve you erupting in some act of violence towards your nephew.
Tony: Well Christmas isn't over yet.

[Tony describes a dream he had about Jean Cusamano]
Tony: I'm doing her doggy-style, and I finish, you know. And her big ass is... look, we don't have time for this shit.
Dr. Jennifer Melfi: It's interesting that you would say a big ass, 'cause Jean is quite slender.
Tony: We've got bigger things to talk about than Jean Cusamano's ass.
Dr. Jennifer Melfi: Like feelings of worthlessness sparked by your mother's plot to have you killed?

Dr. Jennifer Melfi: You never went through it?
Tony: You think my mother and father will stand for that shit?
Dr. Jennifer Melfi: How is your mother?
Tony: She's dead to me
Dr. Jennifer Melfi: And how's Anthony Jr. been taking it?
Tony: What? About the family?
Dr. Jennifer Melfi: About his non-relationship with his grandmother, how is he suppose to understand that? And in general the whole strain of the current atmosphere in your household? But that don't give him the right to mouth off
Dr. Jennifer Melfi: It sounds to me like Anthony Jr. may have stumbled onto existentialism.
Tony: Fuckin Internet.
Dr. Jennifer Melfi: No, no, no it's a European philosophy after World War two people were disillusioned by the sheer weight of the horrors and that's when the whole idea took route that there were no "absolute truths"
Tony: You believe that?
Dr. Jennifer Melfi: In your family? Even motherhood is up for debate
Tony: No its not I teach him to love, respect and appreciate his mother
Dr. Jennifer Melfi: But what about your mother? Anthony I think it's important to talk about your mother and what she tried to do to you
Tony: Don't need to, she showed her "true colors", that's all
Dr. Jennifer Melfi: Has Anthony Jr. heard you say "she's dead to me"?
Tony: I don't know
Dr. Jennifer Melfi: Well, don't you think that kind of talk can lead a kid to embrace these ideas?
Tony: Oh, so now this is my fault?
Dr. Jennifer Melfi: No, when some people first realize that their solely responsible for their decisions, actions and beliefs and that death lies at the end of every road they can be overcome with "intense dread"
Tony: "Intense dread"?
Dr. Jennifer Melfi: A dull aching anger that leads them to conclude that the only "absolute truth" is death
Tony: I think the kid's onto something

Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: You know, there's this Russian woman. She told me something that's very true. She said, only here, in America, do we expect to be happy. I mean this woman, she had a terrible leg disease since she was 9. She was dirt poor. She's getting on with her life. I mean, over here, we come and we bitch to shrinks. I mean, what the fuck?
Dr. Jennifer Melfi: Well, part of that may be true. But, who said that after getting out of the dirt and the poverty, do we have to stop looking for pain and truth?
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: Pain and truth? Come on, I'm a fat fucking crook from New Jersey.

Tony: So, I solved a major problem business-wise. I put a very good piece of man power to work: my cousin Tony
Dr. Jennifer Melfi: You mentioned how close you two were
Tony: You know when we were kids they used to call me "Tony Uncle Johnny" and call him "Tony Uncle Al."
Dr. Jennifer Melfi: Right yes you've told me all that
Tony: Anyways his a very smart guy, his got an IQ of 158
Dr. Jennifer Melfi: Do you put a lot of stock into that number?
Tony: Why? Are you going to tell me its bullshit? Because I took that test and if someone gets a 158, they know a few things
Dr. Jennifer Melfi: So we can assume his smarter than you
Tony: Honestly I think his smarter than you because of the way you keep shitting on the test. I was having second thoughts myself but this was a good move. Carmella and I slept together.
Dr. Jennifer Melfi: What was that like?
Tony: It was nice, very erotic, she's been using that perfume that she wears. The poor thing was starving for it honestly. I'm the only man she's ever been with.
Dr. Jennifer Melfi: Did you discuss it?
Tony: No I left before she work up
Dr. Jennifer Melfi: How come?
Tony: Because if I was still there when she woke up, it'd send "mixed signals" you know
Dr. Jennifer Melfi: [Before Tony's cell phone rings] I'm not sure that's the best...
Tony: [Answers the call, over the phone] no tell him I got fax machines out my ass

Randy: What does that do to property values having a gangster living next door?
Dr. Bruce Cusamano: Are you kidding? Safest block in the neighb. And being a gangster what does it mean anyway?
Randy: That's true. Some of the shit I see in the boardroom. I don't know if I'd make a distinction.
Barb: Oh, will you please. It's not the same thing.
Dr. Bruce Cusamano: Bugging, bribes. I don't know. Sometimes I think the only thing separating the American business from the mobs is fuckin' whackin' somebody.
Jean: Listen to you.
Dr. Bruce Cusamano: What?
Jean: Whackin'. He hangs around with Tony Soprano for 15 minutes, and it's fuckin' this and fuckin' that.
Barb: We were over there for that fund-raiser. I didn't see any guns anywhere.
Jean: Oh, but that bar with the goombah Murano glass.
Dr. Jennifer Melfi: I like Murano glass.

Tony: [referring to loaning his friend Artie money and knowing ahead of time Artie wouldn't be able to pay him back] so he says I planned it all along, how I could see twenty steps down the road how it was going to go and how he was going to get screwed
Dr. Jennifer Melfi: Did you? See it?
Tony: I don't know, according to him its subconscious, second nature
Dr. Jennifer Melfi: But the accusation bothers you
Tony: Is that the kind of person I am? A hawk?
Dr. Jennifer Melfi: As I understand it you make a lot of your living through usury so why the pangs of conscience this time? Do you think your reaction would be the same a week after you found out about Gloria?
Tony: I'll tell you one thing: one suicide is bad enough but two? They can both go fuck themselves. I made a donation in her name to the suicide hotline, that's it

Tony: When I was a kid there was this guy in my neighborhood. We used to call him "Jimmy Smash"
Tony: [Eventually points to his lips] he wasn't retarded but we thought he was he had one of these Whatchamacallit?
Tony: [Imitates jimmy Smash's speech impediment] "Hey Jimmy how the fuck you doing", what'd you call that?
Dr. Jennifer Melfi: Cleft pallet
Tony: Yeah, we were kids right? What the hell did we know? Every time he'd open his mouth, we'd piss ourselves laughing but Jimmy didn't mind because he got to hang out with us you know? It wasn't until years I found out the poor prick was crying himself to sleep. Now when I found out I felt bad but I never fully understood what he felt to be used for somebody's amusement like a fuckin dancing bear
Dr. Jennifer Melfi: But you thought Cusamano was your friend?
Tony: You live, you learn
Dr. Jennifer Melfi: Do you mind if I ask you a question? What ever happened to Jimmy?
Tony: [Eventually imitates jimmy Smash's speech impediment] his doing twenty years for robbery, it wasn't hard for the cops to tell it was Jimmy. He goes up to the bank teller and says "Give me all your money"

Dr. Jennifer Melfi: Are you still taking your medication?
Tony: Off and on
Dr. Jennifer Melfi: You should either take it or don't take it ok?
Tony: [Nods]
Dr. Jennifer Melfi: In the coffee shop you mentioned you had a panic attack that led to an automobile accident?
Tony: It seems like years ago
Dr. Jennifer Melfi: You mean you're so busy? Or you mean you're angry with me for not agreeing to treat you then?
Tony: I found out a little "medical history". My old man had the same thing: panic attacks followed by passing out. Cracked his head on a cigarette machine
Dr. Jennifer Melfi: Interesting
Tony: Interesting? That's it? You're not going to send me for tests or something? Did you read the article in The Times?
Dr. Jennifer Melfi: Anthony, what is it you want to "achieve" here
Tony: What I want to "achieve"? I want to stop passing out. I want to stop panicking. I want to direct my power and my anger to the people that deserve it. I want to be in total control
Dr. Jennifer Melfi: There's no such thing as "total control."
Tony: Of course there is
Dr. Jennifer Melfi: You want to be a better gang leader? Read The Art of War by Sun Tzu
Tony: You know what? Fuck you, you know who I am and you know what I do. You called me. You know where I was when you called?
Dr. Jennifer Melfi: I don't know
Tony: I was outside a whore house where a guy who works for me was beating the shit out of someone who owes me money, broke his arm. Put a bullet in his knee cap
Dr. Jennifer Melfi: How'd that make you feel?
Tony: I wished it was me in there
Dr. Jennifer Melfi: Getting the beating or taking it?
Tony: [Smiles, remains silent]

Tony: My wife had her doubts about Jackie Jr. and all along, I kept defending the two-faced prick
Dr. Jennifer Melfi: Do you feel responsible for their relationship?
Tony: [referring to her previous boyfriend Noah Tannenbaum] Well, Meadow thinks she'd still be going out with the "Oreo cookie" if it wasn't for me
Dr. Jennifer Melfi: Well, that's true, isn't it?
Tony: Look, the question is: what am I gonna do about Jackie? Should I tell my wife? Meadow... it'd break heart if she knew
Dr. Jennifer Melfi: [before Tony abruptly gets up to leave] On another subject, I was thinking what we were talking about the last time you were here: you know your friend who was working for the federal government? Granted, I get most of my information from the movies and Bill Kurtis, but I was thinking...

Dr. Jennifer Melfi: [about Livia] She could need a change in her living situation, be around more people.
Tony: Well, we were looking at Green Grove.
Dr. Jennifer Melfi: It's a beautiful facility. It's more like a hotel at Cap d'Antibes.
Tony: Yeah. But to her it's a nursing home.
Dr. Jennifer Melfi: Well, she needs to be made to see the distinction. That in fact, she's embarking on a rewarding chapter. I know seniors who are inspired. And inspiring.

Dr. Jennifer Melfi: [Reading a letter from Tony to her psychiatrist, Dr. Kupferberg] I've been thinking, and I apologize for my use of foul language, 'foul' with a "w"... in regards to yourself. You said some very hurtful things to me in regards to myself. But it is still no excuse to use the vile word that I used of which I am sure you know that I'm talking about. You don't wish us to be social friends, and so that is that. I still have great... riggard for you even though you said some horrible things. P.S. I'm doing fine, Anthony.

Dr. Jennifer Melfi: When's the last time you had a prostate exam?
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: Hey, I don't even let anyone wag their finger in my FACE.
[Dr. Melfi laughs]

Dr. Jennifer Melfi: And you were feeling so positive
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: It "flushed" over me
Dr. Jennifer Melfi: You are dissolving a twenty year marriage
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: It's not my mother fuckin God damn marriage ok? I had another panic attack and I thought I had this shit beat
Dr. Jennifer Melfi: What happened?
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: I was playing golf with a friend of mine. He was talking about this young guy who passed away. I guess I became overcome with emotion because they had to help me off the tee. It's not the first time it's happened recently.
Dr. Jennifer Melfi: I wish you had told me
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: Well, I wished you cured it
Dr. Jennifer Melfi: When the attacks first reappeared, what was going on in your life?
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: You'd just reap off my affections
Dr. Jennifer Melfi: When you actually passed out, were you thinking about me?
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: My cousin moved into my house and the cleaning girl was crying on the phone about her cousin went off the road in some Mexican bus wreck or something and I remember feeling inside on how I wanted to fuckin choke her because it was always something going on with her, then the next thing boom!
Dr. Jennifer Melfi: Your cousin was at your house?
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: Yeah
Dr. Jennifer Melfi: "Tony uncle" whatever
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: [Correcting her] Uncle Al
Dr. Jennifer Melfi: And your maid was crying about her cousin?
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: The other day at the golf course my cousin came into my head too
Dr. Jennifer Melfi: In what way?
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: He hurt his foot
Dr. Jennifer Melfi: You were so concerned about your cousin's foot you collapsed on the golf course? His a grown man isn't he? Is he in danger of losing his foot?
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: Fuck his foot, it's not the foot, forget the foot. I worry about him, his right out of jail ok? Look, the reason he went to jail is because he got pinched hijacking a truck of TV's in 1996 and they hooked him on a RICO and he got 17 years and I was supposed to be there the night of the hijacking
Dr. Jennifer Melfi: I see
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: Oh, you see
Dr. Jennifer Melfi: Why didn't you go?
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: I got jumped by a bunch of Moulinyans, they were trying to take my shoes and I fought them off. They fuckin cut my head open, the fuckin jiggaboo cock suckin mother fuckers...
Dr. Jennifer Melfi: [Interrupts him] ok forget that, and your cousin went to prison, that's tremendous guilt to carry
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: [Referring to the military classification that is given to someone trying to join the military indicating that person is not acceptable for service because of medical reasons] If he went to Nam, I was 4-F and that's how our friends look at it
Dr. Jennifer Melfi: And that's why you favored tony Uncle Al
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: You know in 17 years I did so good, he lost his wife, and his daughter
Dr. Jennifer Melfi: No wonder why your having anxiety attacks
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: Yeah
Dr. Jennifer Melfi: Maybe if you came clean with him...
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: [Before beginning to breathe deeply, nods] yeah well
Dr. Jennifer Melfi: You ok?
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: Yeah, go on with what you were saying
Dr. Jennifer Melfi: Are you having an attack now?
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: No, I had a huge lunch that's all, it's gas
Dr. Jennifer Melfi: What is it Anthony?
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: Alright, the night he got pinched I had a fuckin panic attack from my mother God damn it. I didn't know what it was then

Tony: [Seeing Dr. Melfi's diploma] Melfi. What part of the boot you from, hon?
Dr. Jennifer Melfi: [objecting to how he addressed her] Dr. Melfi.
Dr. Jennifer Melfi: My father's people were from Caserta.
Tony: [referring to himself] Avellino. My mother would have loved it if you and I got together.