The Best Dylan Tuomy-Wilhoit Quotes

Becky: Nicky made a new friend at the zoo today.
Jesse: Really? Wow!
Becky: Come on, Nicky. Tell Daddy what your new friend said.
Nicky: Camels stink.
Jesse: And Alex played baseball today. Tell Mommy what you hit.
Alex: Daddy's head.

Joey: [Jesse, Joey, and the twins pull up at Coit Tower] Hey, Jess, pull up here.
Jesse: What are we doing up at Coit Tower?
Joey: I take Comet for walks up here. He probably came back, I don't know. I'm just trying to think like a dog.
Jesse: The last time you did that, you bit the mailman.
Joey: Hey, he was teasing me.
Jesse: [impatiently] We haven't got time for this, biscuit-brain. Now, the more time we're wasting here, the further the dog's getting away and Michelle's gonna hate me more and more.
Joey: Hey, compared to Danny, Michelle's gonna be a love-fest.
Jesse: Yeah. Danny, I forgot. He's down at the wharf doing a remote with Becky. What are we gonna tell him?
Joey: WE'RE not gonna tell him anything.
[points to Jesse]
Joey: YOU'RE gonna tell him.
Nicky: Daddy, Daddy!
Alex: Up there!
Jesse: Yeah, I know, boys, it's the giant tower.
[starts to drive away]
Jesse: If we're gonna look for comet, we might as well start looking for a giant fire hydrant.

Jesse: I'm not trying to be mean, it's just, uh, you kinda backed me in a corner down there in front of everybody with that pasta incident. I mean, uh, you don't want your old man looking like a weenie, do you?
Alex: Weenie.
Nicky: Weenie.
Jesse: No jokes. Sit down. Put the chair down, and sit down. Look, we're all on the same team here, let's just do this time-out thing and get it over with.
[Nicky and Alex give Bronx cheers]
Jesse: Okay, now you've gone too far. I'm trying to be a good guy. Nicky, Alex, you keep those little butts in those chairs and you do not move a muscle until I say it's okay. Do you understand me?
Alex: Mean Daddy.
Jesse: Mean Daddy.
Jesse: Mean Daddy?
Alex: Mean Daddy.