800 Best Sex Education Quotes
- Sit down.
- It's supposed to be school, not somewhere we should be afraid.
- Okay, you're suspended.
- -What?
- -[Hope] Leave.
[students] What?
- I said, leave!
Lily: To be clear, I don't want to have sex with you specifically. Just a human man with a penis.
Otis: That's... great for my self-esteem.
- Did it sound like Adam to you?
- Are you suggesting I don't know what my own son sounds like?
- I am suggesting that someone else wrote it for him.
- Miss Sands, can we have this conversation at another time?
- -I'm running late for an appointment.
- -Of course.
- -We'll, er... pick it up later.
- -Hm.
- Thank you so much. You're a lifesaver.
- -Take care.
- -Yeah.
- Bye, Jackson.
- Oh, no.
- Good job.
- Good job.
- -I'm so proud of you!
- -And there's no strings.
- -So nobody gets hurt.
- -Mm.
- Wahey! Whoa!
- What you gonna do about Kyle?
- I guess it's not my responsibility anymore?
Kyle: Ow! Oh!
Otis: Sometimes when we learn new skills, we can feel exposed.
- and we can move you towards healing the relationship with your body again.
- Would you like that?
- Yeah, I'd like that.
[whispers] Fuck.
- Sorry.
- Ah...
- Hang on.
- What's going on?
- Can we talk?
- -If you stop being scary.
- -[sighs]
Jakob: Yes.
- -Are you stepping out?
- -Mm-hmm.
- Good.
- How was your day at school, Ola?
- Good.
- How was your day at school, Mum?
- Having fun hanging out with all my peers?
- It was very good, thank you.
- Shit.
- Lily, hi. Uh, question.
- Did you just... You didn't tell my mum about the whole, you know, my...
- Being a sex wizard?
- Yeah.
- No. It didn't come up.
- -♪ The fourth of July ♪
- -[phone buzzes]
- -♪ The moon at night ♪
- -[phone alert]
- And your father?
- Dad. Well, he… he was just different from my mum.
- -♪ If only ♪
- -[Eric's dad] Eric!
- -♪ I'd be thankful on that day ♪
- -Eric!
- Dad, I think I know who--
- Go get hot water and bleach.
- I don't want your mother seeing this.
Adam: Yes, Madam! Over!
- -Over! Good girl.
- -[barks]
- -Oh.
- -Beautifully done!
- That's my son. [chuckles]
- -She was very good though.
- -Yeah, she was.
- In second place,
- Francesca Hull and Bark Wahlberg.
- First place goes to…
- Okay.
- …Frank Larson and Howard the Jug.
- ♪ Oh, a leader ♪
- ♪Makes the most of what he can ♪
- ♪ Of what he can ♪
- ♪ But he always ♪
- ♪ Carries ♪
- ♪ A stick ♪
- -Hello!
- -♪ Easy now ♪
- Hello, you!
- Mum, don't make me go.
- It's what your father wants.
- One of you will be going home.
- You are not just serving your food...
- "As if you were on fire from within.
- The moon lives in the lining of your skin."
- Uh, pardon?
- -It's about finding beauty in the world.
- -Oh.
- -It's a poem by Pablo Neruda.
- -Oh.
- I don't know her.
- I haven't been focused.
- But I really want to see this through, and I'm going to make you proud.
- Both of you.
- I promise.
- Now, please, just... just stop fighting.
Aimee: Do you think this place really has asbestos in it?
Maeve: I don't know. There's worse ways to go, I suppose.
Aimee: God, yeah. My auntie got eaten by wasps.
Maeve: What? Was she stung to death?
Aimee: No. She was eaten.
- What I'm saying is... before you talk to Steve, you... you should probably figure out... you know, what works for you... and your body.
- So you're prescribing a wank?
- Yeah.
- Did you mean it?
- Of course I meant it.
- Let us in!
- -Set us free!
- -[Rahim] Wait a fucking minute!
- -[Rahim] Ah!
- -[knocking at door continues]
Jackson: Come on!
- It's cool.
- What are you doing in there?
- I thought it was me.
- But it's definitely you.
- -What is?
- -Everything.
- Just everything about us is wrong.
- Sorry.
- But it's over.
- Knickers.
- Three.
- Oh!
- ♪ Happening to me ♪
- Which group is Maeve in?
- She was kind of a loner until she started running that sex clinic thing with Otis, and then they would hang out all the time.
- I wonder if they'll do it again now she's back?
- Yes, I feel angry... all the time, and I'm trying to find out what kind of man I want to be, which is really hard when my dad has been absent for most of my life.
- Did you not like me as much as you thought you would?
- Of course I like you. I just...
- Then how could you leave me?
- -[both sigh]
- -[Maeve] Hm.
- Cal.
- Are we okay?
- Yeah, yeah. We're totally fine.
- I'll see you on Monday.
- How'd it go?
- It was… 100% peachy. Yeah.
- Yeah.
- Are you sure everything's okay?
- I feel like you've been acting a bit strange since what happened with the bus.
- -Do you want to talk about it?
- -I'm fine, Steve.
- I'm just tired from my walk.
- Go and get the laptop.
- about their insignificant problems for an hour? No, thank you.
[sighs] I've had quite enough of this navel-gazing, identity-obsessed hysteria for one day.
- The quicker you and your fragile, petty little peers realize that you're not that special and that the real world doesn't care about your supposed issues, the better.
- Something you wanna say?
- I think poetry's dumb.
- Why?
- It's just long words that don't make any sense.
- Maybe you're not listening.
- I have written a poem about you.
- Or you'll make it and I'll watch.
- Yeah.
- You don't even have milk.
- Do I look like someone who regularly pops to the shops?
- Okay, I'll go get some stuff.
Isaac: Oh, and get crisps.
- -I didn't--
- -Don't say sorry.
- Okay.
- -Are those flowers for me?
- -Uh... Yeah.
- -Seems a bit inappropriate now.
- -No.
- No, I like 'em.
- Nothing says "Happy Abortion" like a bouquet.
- and thrust it towards her abdominal sex cavity.
- But his phallus grew limp.
- "I'm gay," said the interrogator.
- Disappointed, Glenoxi left the room.
- Her quest for a mate would lead her across the galaxy, until she found an alien dick to deflower her once and for all.
- -I don't want a boyfriend.
- -I don't get it.
- Having a boyfriend is the best thing.
- What’s so good about it?
- You always have someone to hang out with.
- And, like, last week, I got chased by a fox, and Kyle threw a shoe at it.
- It was so romantic.
- Thank you.
- Fucking piece of... wanking piece of fucking shit!
- Yes, I'm writing a book, you fuck.
- You don't fucking own words, you...
[yells] Shit!
- -Ow!
- -[bleeping]
- Bearded piece of fucking shit.
- Not your finest hour.
- I didn't mean to scare you, Lizzie.
- If you go anywhere near me again,
- I'm seriously gonna have to call the police.
- Fair enough. I understand.
- -I left my jacket.
- -I'll get it.
- Yes.
- Muchas gracias, maestro.
- -What shall we say, a pony?
- -Ah... Uh...
- -Or a monkey?
- -Please don't pay me.
- Let's not speak of this again.
- You bet.
- No, I've come to see you.
- I thought we could hang out together, do some father-son bonding.
- Yeah, cool.
- Are you taller?
- Ah...
- -Hey.
- -Hi. Hmm.
- It's...
- What's wrong?
- I'm going to kiss you.
- that your school is full of cheats.
- I will call the police if you do not leave my office immediately.
- -[knock at door]
- -What?
- The chairman is here again, she wants to see the new gymnasium.
- Wiley, get out.
- Mm. Uh…
- I don't think that would be my thing.
- -You like it when I put makeup on you.
- -Yeah, when we're in my room.
- I don't know if I'm ready to do that with… in front of people.
- I like it when it's just you and me.
Otis: [to Maeve] It was never about the clinic. I did the clinic to be close to you. And then you made me realize I'm good at something, and I like helping people. And I thought you ignored my message, and it crushed my heart. I stopped doing the clinic because it reminded me of you. It sucked. Because I wanna help people. And I know this is only about money for you, but let's just be a team again, please? Because if I can't be with you romantically, I still wanna see you every day. Nothing feels right when you're not around.
- I think it could be good.
- Okay.
- That's it?
- If this is what you wanna do, Mum, then, yeah, I'm fine with it.
- I mean,
- I'm not gonna be living at home forever.
- Thank you for being so adult.
- You were right.
- I did make choices.
- And I can't take them back.
- And nothing you can say will ever make me feel any worse than I already do.
[sobs] It's very hard.
[sobs] But thank you.
- -Darling?
- -Hey.
- -Could you help me back to the room?
- -Yeah.
- Congratulations, Dr. Milburn.
- Thank you.
Aimee: I've been practicing. But all the flour, it's making me constipated. Last week, I didn't do a s*** for five days. Then when I finally did do a poo, it was like my bum had this gigantic orgasm. Oh, it was great.
- How are you you, New Kid?
- Since when do you ask questions?
- I'm trying to work on my small talk.
- a man of nature. Mark my words.
- -[laughs] Come on, let's go!
- -Come on, let's hit it.
- -You will take care of them, won't you?
- -[Remi] Oh, relax, Jeanie.
- He is perfectly safe in my hands.
- Trust me.
- Now, let's burn some rubber.
- Yes, except I don't kiss you.
- I think French people like to go on proper dates.
- -Where should I take him? [sighs]
- -Okay, just don't stress.
- Just as long as you guys are together,
- I don't think it matters.
- I don't even know why I'm asking you.
- You've never even been on a date.
- I didn't make you do anything.
[sighs] Well, he sent the photo to Kyle.
- -Kyle? Okay, we go talk to Kyle, then.
- -No.
- I have to meet Eric.
- I'm waiting for the next bus.
- -The next one isn't for an hour. Come.
- -I said no.
- Fine. Suit yourself.
Adam: Are you new?
Otis: No. No, no, no. I've been here since first year. We had chemistry together last term. You set my desk on fire.
Harry: I thought maybe we could pop and get a bit of breakfast together. i had a good time the other night. It's so rare to find a woman who really listens, you know?
Jean: I see. I'm about to teach a vagina workshop. So... no?
Aimee: [to Maeve] You act like you don't give a s*** about anyone, but really, it's just to keep people out. You've done it to Otis, and now you're doing it to me!
- -I didn't get an invite.
- -But I know he wants you there.
- -[sighs]
- -I think that you two really need to talk.
- He didn't mean what he said in the text.
- Please? Just talk to him.
- I'll think about it, okay?
- Okay.
- Um, it's that way, uh, it's about 15 minutes.
- Take a left at the primary school.
- -Okay. Thanks, man.
- -Uh...
- Your nails are fierce.
- Thanks, kid.
- Want my advice? Stick to the jewel tones.
- -♪ I thought you'd always be ♪
- -[crowd whispers indistinctly]
- -Okay...
- -♪ My zero ♪
- Now what?
- It's a bit... early, isn't it?
- We're here for business.
- Okay.
- -Well, how come she can ring it?
- -Well, she's not you, is she?
- -[gate whirring]
- -Here goes.
[from TV] ♪ ...of wishful thinking ♪
- You coming?
- Okay.
- This is how I die.
- You don't want to draw attention to yourself in Nigeria.
- It's dangerous for you.
- It's not like here.
- What do you mean for me, Mum?
- You know what I mean.
- Go and change now.
- Come on! I want everyone packed in the next half an hour!
- -That's a bumhole, there's a vagina.
- -You won't be laughing when you throw yourself off a motorway bridge at the age of 35 because of the failure you have become!
- I have spoken to the dean at Mountview Military this morning.
- -Dad, I--
- -Your name is on the waiting list.
- You have until the end of term to get these grades up and change my mind.
- What is this place?
- -Do you want to see something cool?
- -[dishes rattle]
- and I want to give you an opportunity to be able to express your feelings.
- What is the point, Mum?
- You don't listen.
- What would you want me to hear?
- Stay out of my life.
- Okay?
- -[knocking at door]
- -[girl shouts in Mandarin]
[in English] Wait a minute, please! Merci.
- -[knocking at door]
- -[girl shouts in Mandarin]
- It's good to be home, frog face.
- Disappear again and I'll stab you in the eye.
- ♪ We're helpless, they must ♪
- ♪ But we like it that way
- Eliminates trust ♪
- ♪ But that cut on your arm ♪
- -♪ Where the blood is still fresh ♪
- -[locker closes loudly]
- ♪ And the thought of some harm ♪
- ♪ That comes to yourself ♪
- Okay.
- Otis, too long!
- No more hot water, I'm afraid.
- I'll look at your boiler if you like.
- -Smoothie?
- -No!
- Oh, God.
Rahim: Squat, don't rush, push it in, compress the bulb.
- -[door opens]
- -Pull to take it out.
- What's going on?
- I'm teaching Otis how to douche.
- -But we're leaving, actually.
- -Yeah. Yeah, sorry.
- Thank you.
Maeve: It's just someone else to let you down, isn't it?
Otis: Okay, but seriously, what's wrong with boyfriend?
- Yeah, but I thought
- I could, you know... take tomorrow off.
- -Why would you think that?
- -Because of the dance.
- I'm sure he can take tomorrow off.
- No, he can't.
- Can't I just have one fun night?
- I never do this kind of thing.
- Look, you will thank me in a few years.
- See you at 10:30. Go on. Have a good time.
- -Otis had sex with Ruby last right.
- -I'm sure it didn't mean anything.
- Are you okay?
- Yeah, I'm fine.
- I'm sure he didn't mean it.
- He was really drunk.
- Yeah.
- Yeah.
- Well, actually, there's Nutella on it, so not exactly.
- Great.
- Why are your arms so freakishly long?
- They're not.
- -Just roll up your sleeves, you fool.
- -Heh.
- This one.
- See, this is exactly why you shouldn't be bringing livestock into school.
- -My mum's looking after her tomorrow.
- -Good.
- Okay, this is the only goat you should be seeing in school.
- Uh, it's a goatee.
- It's my new look. Hands up who likes it.
- Oh God. Oh God.
- But I trusted you, and that was special… and you've messed it up.
- People make mistakes.
- -Like your mum. She--
- -Don't talk to me about my mum.
- Can't believe
- I thought you were different.
- Someone is in very serious trouble.
- Ah. You're on time. That's odd.
- I have an errand to run, so will you be all right with Jessie?
- -Uh, yeah, I like dogs.
- -Are you sure?
- She's very annoying.
- You know, she can't even sit.
- We'll be fine.
- -[girl] Oh, my God.
- -But I've done some googling.
- -Oh, my God.
- -And it's actually just above average in terms of worldwide adult statistics.
- So, yeah.
- -That's me.
- -[camera shutters clicking]
- And that's my dick.
- We didn't think about who was gonna look after her when we're at school, so…
- -[Aimee] Yeah. Right!
- -[car engine starting]
- Sorry, love!
- -Aimes?
- -[Aimee] You okay?
- -[woman] No!
- -Yeah.
- Let's try that again, shall we?
- -Here we go! Good.
- -Yeah. Coolio.
- -[chuckles]
- -Okay, guys, from the top.
- One, two, three, four. One!
- God!
- Oh!
- Feel it!
- What do you want to know?
- I would like to put myself forward for the job.
- I have worked at Moordale for seven years.
- -I have a good understanding--
- -Sorry, uh…
- -Emily. Yeah.
- -Emily. Emily.
- We're not taking applications currently, but thanks.
- If I get this job,
- I can get us a proper flat.
- A new start for you, for me, for Els.
- -Fine.
- -You are a gem.
- -Okay.
- -She's going to drop off any minute.
- -[sighs]
- -[Elsie babbling]
- Christ.
- I got something for you.
- To help with your research.
- My dad installed it.
- You know we’re already recording it.
- Come on, let's get the fuck out of here.
- -Hey.
- -See ya.
- See ya.
- And we're not done. We're over!
- "Over" and "done" mean the same thing!
Charlie: God loves you.
Maeve: Yeah, well, I wish he'd worn a condom.
Maeve: You know Glen Jacobs, right? Where does he live?
Aimee: In his parents' garage. There's loads of bean bags in it.
Maeve: Okay, where is it?
Aimee: Oh, I don't know. I just sort of arrive places.
- "Arise, fair sun, and kill the envious moon, who is already sick and pale with grief."
- So you've got the rhythm and the words.
- Now you need the emotion.
- This speech is about love.
- So, try thinking of someone who makes you feel a lot when you say it.
- Yeah, all right.
- -I'm sure your mum will--
- -No. [shushes]
- Let's not talk about it. It is what it is.
- He's disgusting.
- -Yeah.
- -[Joe snorts]
- -[chuckles]
- -I'm related to that.
- I mean, there's no real secret to it, it's just practice and practice.
- Hey, Bev. You've got a little something on your face there.
- Thanks.
- It's avocado. I like it on toast.
Dex: Anyway, the real secret is, you've gotta know...
- I'm an only child.
- I'm not very good at sharing my space, but I am working on it.
- I know this must be hard for you, too, so you can borrow my records whenever.
- Thanks, Otis. That means a lot.
- So, um, you and Ruby are getting pretty serious, then?
- Maybe.
- An STI outbreak, mass class interruption.
- I'm sorry, what's next?
- Little monkeys instead of teachers?
- Creationism?
[scoffs] It's anarchy.
- -[students clamoring]
- -[Maxine] Oh...
[Miss Sands] Off you go, Maeve.
- Hello!
- Are you a friend of Otis'?
- No, I'm here to pick up my father.
- You know, intense European dude.
- Thinks he’s a comedian.
- Piercing blue eyes. He's got "fuck" written across his hand...
- Don't be a man-child, get a move on. I'm late for work!
- What do you know about anal douching?
- Um, not much to be honest, Otis.
- I know about this, I'll teach you.
- -Hi, Claire.
- -Hey.
- ♪ Get up out of your rockin' chair
- Grandma! ♪
- ♪ Or rather would you care to dance
- Grandmother? ♪
Otis: [to Ruby] I don't wanna have to change who I am in order to hang out with you.
- Hello, darling.
- -Hey.
- -Nice day?
- It was okay.
- They're teaching us abstinence in school now.
- -What?
- -[distant banging]
- -What's Jakob doing?
- -Building a tree house.
- It's beautiful here.
- She really loved this view.
- I wish I could tell her about you.
- I know she'd love you.
- 'Cause I-I really don't like vanilla, it's not even a flavor.
[nurse] Like I said, we haven't got any.
Sarah: Yeah, and like I said,
- I don't fucking like vanilla.
- So I just want a chocolate one.
- We're not a restaurant, Sarah.
- Maybe there'll be a chocolate one next time you're here.
Lily: What is it with boys? It's like you all suddenly woke up with boundaries.
- Vile.
- Bam! Bam!
- -[hums]
- -[phone chimes]
- Do you wanna get monged?
- Um...
- No, thank you.
- What do you wanna talk to me about?
- I, uh…
[splutters] I've…
- Adam, it's late…
- I'm sorry.
Aimee: Every vulva is unique and beautiful and deserves to be cherished.
- Why are you here?
- This is my mum's favorite place.
- I'm sorry. I… I didn't realize how much you were missing your mum.
- I think we've both been distracted.
- I'm sorry I said that aliens weren't real.
- I want to try and be more open-minded.
- -Your drink, sir.
- -Thank you.
- Unbelievable, man.
- Are you sure you don't want to see the rest of Lagos?
- I'm sure, Oba.
- -Thank you.
- -Anytime.
- She is so much better than sex kid.
- -Hey, how are you feeling?
- -Amazing.
- Yeah, your advice was a bit crap but your mum is my hero, so I need a refund.
Otis: Uh...
- Yep. Absolutely.
- Don't take too long, though.
- I won't.
- Thank you.
- Shit! Shit, shit.
- Oh, God.
- Yeah.
- I'm so sorry, Maeve.
- No, it's fine.
- Hopefully, your family can find the money.
- Yeah, yeah.
- -[sighs]
- -Okay.
- So... am I gonna get a house tour, then, or what?
- Heh.
- -Yeah.
- -Yeah?
- -Yeah.
- -Okay, good.
[China Crisis] ♪ This is emotion ♪
- Do you wanna fuck a ghost?
- What?
- Well, whatever your face-covering fetish is, you need to sort it out, because it's weird and it's scary and it's just making me feel just very unsafe.
- Mm!
- -That was my shot, you dick.
- -Sorry.
- That's... I've seen people do it in films.
- Asshole.
- -Remember, be subtle.
- -Subtle.
- Go on, then. Do your thing.
- Okay, okay, okay.
- So, it was Olivia's party.
- You were supposed to come but decided to watch movies with Adam.
- Anyway, I was there on my own.
- At first, Ruby ignored me.
- But then…
- What happened to Tromboner?
- I think he's going for that prison chic.
- -[grunts]
- -[gasping]
- Eric...
- Okay, I'm a skinny house cat, and she's a lion.
- Oh, no. Maeve is unattainable,
- -and you're--
- -You're not a kangaroo, Otis.
- You're an arsehole.
- Ola! I mean...
- Fucking idiot.
- -[barks]
- -[gasps] Shh!
- Adam?
- Cheers, mate. No. No.
- -No. Fuck him. Fuck him.
- -Okay, let's all relax. Yeah?
- If anyone needs to use the toilets, they're over here.
- Be back here in 15 minutes.
- Thank you.
- -[indistinct chattering]
- -[phone chimes]
- I could speak Gamma Velorum to you.
- That meant, "I made you something."
- Oh.
Ola: Oh, my goodness.
- This is so cool.
- Thank you. [chuckles]
- -Maeve? Maeve?
- -Maeve! Maeve!
[man 2] Who is Maeve?
- Who are you?
[in German] I'm Albert.
- -[in English] Oh…
- -Colin Ray Hendricks.
- Terry, turn the coach around! Maeve?
- Okay.
- Yeah?
- How does it feel?
- It feels so much better.
Cal: Yeah?
- -Yeah.
- -I'm so proud of you.
- -Yeah?
- -It'll be fine, right?
- Yeah. Yeah, yeah.
- Okay. Great, thank you. Thanks.
- That's all right. Um, good luck.
- Okay, Miss Sands, we'll have to give the place to Let's Get Quizzy by default if--
- -[Roz] Shit. Oh, God. I think it's a flat.
- -[Sofia] Brilliant, we're gonna be late.
- -[Roz] I can't control it, can I?
- -[Sofia] You drive too fast.
Roz: I don't need this right now.
- So, who's changed a tire before?
- It wouldn't be good for my hand.
- Brilliant.
- Well, then they can raise it.
- Race you to the top. Three, two, one, go!
- -[phone chimes]
- -[scoffs]
- Ruby, can we talk?
- Don't look at her. Don't speak to her.
- Don't breathe.
- -I'm trying to apologize.
- -Stop talking. It's triggering for Ruby.
- Did you come back for your shoes?
- Look, I'm sorry, okay?
- I don't want to have a girlfriend that I don't know anything about.
- For Chrissake.
- Let's just go see where I live, then.
[Ezra Furman] ♪ All of life ♪
- Intercourse can... be wonderful, but it can also cause tremendous pain.
- And if you're not careful... sex can destroy lives.
- "Happy Hubert was going to the happy horse festival, to see all his happy horse friends..."
Nurse: And have you considered the possibility of adoption?
Maeve: I don't think anyone would want a pregnant 17-year-old.
- Right, that was an old mate.
- I'll be back very, very soon.
- -Mm-hm.
- -Is there any chance
- I could just scab a very little tenner?
- Which I promise I'll pay you back as soon as I get a new job.
- -Scout's honour.
- -You didn't go to Scouts.
- -Inside pocket in my bag.
- -Thank you. Thank you so much.
- I don't... know what happened earlier.
- But it seemed like it was a big step.
- I'm not prying, I just...
- I just want to know that you're okay.
- I'm okay.
- Er, Adam Groff.
- Erm... Er...
- Well, le-let's, er...
- Let's give Adam a round of applause as we welcome him on stage to, er, read out... the winning entry.
- Well, I think you should try.
- Ya pussy!
- Can we do the punching pillow thing first?
- Absolutely. Bring it here.
- So what you have do is just take a deep breath in.
- -Mm-hmm.
- -Get yourself all pumped up.
- Should we play some tunes?
- -Yeah.
- -Yeah?
- Come on, DJ Remi on the decks and that.
- What you saying?
Remi: How about this?
- -["Dance Hall Days" by Wang Chung playing]
- -Awesome. [laughs]
[INXS] ♪ Live, baby, live ♪
- Ahem. I'm off.
- -♪ In perfect moments ♪
- -Oh...
- You look fabulous.
- Thanks.
- Have fun.
Maeve: Pessimists outlive optimists.
- Hi, Adam.
- -Good summer?
- -Shut the fuck up, Tromboner.
- Give me what you've got.
Maeve: You don't end up in bad situations. You make bad choices.
- -Yeah!
- -[laughing]
Otis: I'm only saying.
- Lots of couples have differing opinions on how to parent children.
- Maybe you should have thought about that before you decided to have a baby and make us all pretend to be a bizarre family!
- I'm going to school!
- -[door opens]
- -I'm sorry.
- -It's all a bit of a mess.
- -[door closes]
- You have other kids.
- You're saving my life, Froggy.
- Yeah, you can come in, but we're not gonna pretend everything's okay,
- 'cause it's not.
- Got it.
- Come on, darling.
- Yeah, a bit.
- He had to quit his job, and my mum's really stressed about it.
- But mainly I was upset because I over-plucked my left eyebrow, and I'd just got them symmetrical.
- They look very even to me.
- Thank you for checking in.
- A lot of guys don't.
- we weren't supposed to talk about that here.
- There are lots of people like us here.
- We just have to speak quietly.
- I'm going out after this if you want to meet them.
- Uh, no, no. I, uh,
- I don't think I can.
- Okay.
- Look, I didn't ask for a fucking pan shelf in the first place.
- My pan shelf is fine.
- Your pans don't fit.
- My pans... fit... fine.
- -[sighs]
- -[Jean] Faster! Faster!
- -Faster! Oh, oh, oh!
- -[rhythmic thumping]
- -Don't stop! Don't stop! Don't stop!
- -[man groans]
- -[Jean] Okay! Good! Keep going!
- -[man] Yes! Yes!
- -[both moaning]
- -[Jean] Don't... don't...
- -[Jean screaming] Don't stop! Don't stop!
- -[man yelling]
- We're going to sit here until they admit it was them.
- No one has anything to say?
- Fine. You will circle every "A" in the paper until one of you owns up.
- -That's not very productive, miss.
- -Neither is slut-shaming your teacher.
- Get circling, girls.
- I'll be back to check on you.
- I'm branching out. You should audition.
[chuckles] That's not really my thing.
- Thanks, though.
- But you're acting all the time.
- And you'll probably get a sword.
- Can we just go back to the way we were before?
- I don't think we can be friends anymore.
- It's too confusing.
- Wait! Lily, can we just talk?
- Lily!
- Marchetti,
- I'm gonna smash you in practice this week.
Roz: Jackson,
- -come in here.
- -Sorry!
- I know I'm past curfew.
- I had to tell them.
Ola: Ola: I think you're always trying so hard to be a good guy that you end up not being a good guy. Like you're afraid you'll turn into your dad or something.
Otis: Otis: I think you might be right. Thank you.
Otis: I can imagine it's hard when you're comparing your lack of experience to someone's sexual history.
Pro: What? No, I have experience.
Otis: You do?
Pro: Yeah. Hand jobs, fingering, oral, 69ing, a bit of anal stuff.
Otis: That's... extensive.
Pro: Yeah, but no sex. That's sacred, between a man and a woman on their wedding night.
- -Who, Body Slammer?
- -No, her mum.
- What's she doing there?
- Joe, have a look, would you? I can't see.
- I don't know, she's watching TV.
- I knew she was up to something.
- Oh, yeah. Quick, call the police, our neighbor's watching Bargain Hunt!
- that I'm rigid, and I'm uptight.
- I don't know how to be spontaneous or anything close to happy.
- But I do want to change.
- I want to try to be the man that you want.
- Do you think we could talk?
- I don't want to talk.
[whispers] Come on.
- Come on.
- Whew.
- Okay... Eh...
- Fuck me!
- -♪ Shoot it up ♪
- -♪ It's ground base ♪
- Okay.
- -Toast?
- -Yeah.
- Aww.
- Your new dad seems so sweet.
- -Hah.
- -[chuckles]
- -Have you got any Nutella?
- -Yeah.
- I don't feel sorry for you.
- -I need a partner.
- -Perfect.
- Jerry, meet Maeve.
- No, I can't dance.
- ♪ Simple things ♪
- Right. Hands above the hips now, Jerry.
- It's not the 1960s anymore.
- No, no... No.
- That's-Er, it's a misunderstanding.
- I, uh... No, it's really broken.
- I think I have been very clear.
- I want a relationship.
- I do not want to be your handyman.
- Goodbye, Jean.
- Leave.
- Now.
- Well... it's been real.
- Bye!
- Right, it's time for me to bounce.
- I'm gonna take Jacko's car.
- That is fine, isn't it? Yeah.
Eric: He still calls me "Tromboner". It's been four years. Four years!
Otis: You did get an erection on stage, in front of the entire school.
Eric: It was a semi!
- Yeah?
- I do see you, by the way.
- I see a girl that gave Dex her number.
Viv: See you later.
- Two and a half hours.
Viv: Okay.
Maeve: I'm not inviting you in. I'll text you if I die.
- about your fucking statistics, Viv!
- What is wrong with you?
- You say you don't have any friends because you're busy, but it's actually because you're a fucking robot.
- Thanks a lot, Jackson.
- That's good to know.
[woman] Well, I hope Jamie and Joel.
- -Who even told you about Otis's party?
- -Trom-boner.
- Adam?
- Didn't you get expelled?
[whispering] I heard he has a huge dick.
[normal] Thanks, Adam.
- Strange.
[grunts] I guess it's lost property for you.
- Fuck.
- Dude, why are you naked?
- Don't look at my dick!
- You just never had any... self-belief.
- Oh, my self-belief was just fine, thank you very much.
- You've changed.
- And you... are still... an entitled prick.
- You saw something in me when no one else did.
- I was just this invisible guy in the corner, and I thought I liked being that way.
- Then I met you and I figured out
- I'm actually good at something.
- I hope you can forgive me and that we can keep doing the clinic together.
- You're the smartest person I've ever met and this award is yours.
Isaac: If you grow up knowing that people who are meant to make sure you survive just left you, it leaves a lot of scars. But those scars make you special.
- That was delicious, Cynthia.
- Why don't we, uh, skip pudding, eh?
- Dad?
- I'm home.
- Go and get ready for school.
- And please, be quiet.
- Your mother’s been worried sick and she's only just gone to sleep.
- I'm in Swing Band.
- Why didn't they ask me to play?
- -♪ Baby ♪
- -♪ Baby ♪
- -♪ If I knew you were comin' ♪
- -Not you! Piss off!
[man] What the fu--
- Lizzie?
- ...yet.
- The most important thing is you're doing something you enjoy.
- Maybe you're not nervous at all.
- Maybe you're just super-duper pumped.
- Okay? Doosh, doosh.
- -It's not in there, is it?
- -No.
- Enter Carl.
- Why can't you be more like your sister?
- Diligent, reliable, resilient.
- I've just been on the phone to Mountview Military.
- It is a very impressive institution.
- Don't push me.
- Understood?
- -[yelps]
- -[crowd screaming]
- Sorry. It's fine.
[panting] I'm fine.
- Okay, everyone.
- It's time for the Macarena!
- You guys know the Macarena, right?
[Mr. Groff] Discuss this? But you've already said you don't want me here.
- What do you expect me to do?
Maureen: It's not that I don't want you here. I just want a divorce.
- I get more sense from my pupils than you.
- You don't need to stay at school.
- -You don't want me here, Maureen.
- -[floorboard creaks]
- -[cat squeals]
- -[music stops]
[gasps, wails] Oh!
- -[cat whimpers]
- -[Cynthia] Jonathan!
- -He might be all right.
- -[explosion]
- -Oh!
- -[screaming]
- "And I wanted to let you know how proud I am of you."
- "And about how you saying you had feelings for me was all I ever wanted to hear."
- "'Cause it's always been you."
- "I love you."
- Anyway, it was stupid.
- Did you mean it?
- Hey. [chuckles]
- You found it okay then?
- Yeah. This town is very small, so, yeah.
- Cool.
- This is a new frontier, my sexually repressed friend.
- Our chance to finally move up the social food chain.
- We shall transform from lowly caterpillars into... awesome killer whales.
- Do we have to?
- Prepare for the best two years of our lives.
- And you're so scared
- I won't love you like a biological mum that you just spend most of your time pushing us both away.
- I just think we'd all be a lot happier if you just get a divorce.
- Yeah, I'll go get her.
- Mum!
- And the Moordale Quiz Heads are through to the final.
- -Yes! Get in!
- -Come on!
- Well done.
- I definitely would have said weed.
- Have you ever done magic mushrooms?
- I'm not sure I should answer that.
- I think we need to work out what we're going to tell the kids about why we're sleeping in separate beds.
- I don't think they need to know.
- It's private between you and me.
Jean: Well, I disagree.
- Open dialogue is important with teenagers.
- Okay, you go ahead and tell them.
- Is there something going on between you and Maeve?
- Yeah. No! There's not. I just...
- It... We are friends.
- We're just friends.
- I don't think I want to do this tonight.
- -Just go.
- -Okay.
Ruby: It's my vagina!
Maeve: What?
Ruby: It's mine, okay? And I need your help. You and that weird sex kid who looks like a Victorian ghost.
Maureen: [to Adam] People like to be asked to go to things. Makes them feel like you care.
- -You can open the hatch if you want.
- -Yeah?
- -Yeah.
- -Can I touch her?
Jakob: Yeah, you can touch her. Gently.
- Hello. [chuckles]
- -I'm Otis.
- -Yeah.
- -[door closes]
- -Ola, you've--
- I don't think that I can.
- Why not, love?
[inhales, sobs] Because… because it's too painful.
- -I know, Cynth.
- -[crying]
- -I know.
- -[crying]
- I have to finish this application for an overseas study thing, and I need to use a school computer, so…
- Well, why don't you use mine?
- No, it's okay.
- Honestly, it's fine.
- Then you can stay for dinner too.
- Okay.
- All of them. I'm a bitch, Maeve.
- I'm a bitch to everyone.
- -Yeah.
- -I need to go home now.
- Olivia, can you call me a taxi?
- -Use my phone.
- -Mm-hmm.
- Who else knows your passcode, Ruby?
- No one. Just Liv.
- -Still couldn't come?
- -No, he did.
- We had goodbye sex.
- Thing is, school's hard enough without having to date an actual flasher.
- I need to find someone a bit more socially acceptable--
- -Rewind, he came?
- -Yeah.
- It was like something clicked in his brain. Boom!
- I know. I need to be better.
- You want that sports scholarship, don't you?
- Yeah.
- Well, push yourself a bit harder, and we'll be halfway there.
- I need to get to assembly, okay?
- So fuck fear.
- Hello, darling.
- -Hi.
- -Hi.
- -Are you all right?
- -Yeah. Yeah.
- -[stammers] Homework stuff.
- -[man] Well...
- I should leave you to it.
- Won't be much time now…
- -[door opens]
- -…with this little one.
- Any news about my partner?
Doctor: They found the cause of the bleed, but they're still operating.
- Gonna be all right.
- Correct. [chuckles]
- Awkward. I'm Dan.
- -And you are...
- -Otis.
- Ah...
- Don't worry. Left-handed.
- -First door on your left.
- -[whispers] Cheers, dude.
- Is that Eric?
- Uh, no, it was a… friend.
- Um, Eric wasn't my friend, Mum.
- He was my boyfriend.
- We broke up.
Maeve: Funfairs are simply a distraction from the inevitability of death.
- But next time you're here, why don't you pop in and I'll let you know?
- Great.
- -Well, I better get Mr. Grumpy his food.
- -Yes.
- It's nice to meet you, Jean.
- Nice to meet you too, Maureen.
- I'm not saying you're not very good at your job, but I'm not sure that talking can fix everyone.
- What? Did I make you upset?
- You are entitled to your opinion.
- Oh. Thank you.
- My God.
- We've been waiting our entire school lives for this.
- Speak for yourself. I don't care.
- Well, Maeve cares, so...
- What are you doing?
- -Eric, just be careful with--
- -Hey!
- Look. You need to loosen up.
- So maybe I'll become a facialist.
- -How's the trigonometry?
- -Yeah, it's super-hard.
- But so is algebra. I'll probably have to choose one or the other next year.
- It's a really tough choice.
- Have you ever tried a mind map?
- I love mind maps.
- I'm not prepared to offer you another round yet.
- I'll have to talk to another doctor, then.
- You can see Dr. Ennis when he's back from holiday next week, but I think he'll tell you the same thing.
- I want a second opinion.
- -[coins clattering]
- -[machine beeps]
- Sweetheart, I'm glad you--
- I can't masturbate.
- But I don't wanna talk about it.
- I'm dealing with it on my own.
- Thank you for telling me.
- Yeah, I think I'd better leave too.
- I think that's probably best.
- Okay.
- -You can see it another time.
- -Mm-hmm.
- Thank you for a beautiful night.
Eric: Oh, sorry.
Rahim: Okay.
Eric: Bye.
- Sort of, um…
- When I get touched in the places that I can feel… it can get a little intense.
- So…
- Here?
- Yeah.
- I'm extremely busy with work and raising my son, and I just have no room in my life for the kind of intimacy that you are clearly craving.
- But I really commend you on your directness and your bravado and I really hope that you find what you're looking for.
- Goodbye, now.
- Thank you.
- I needed that.
- Shall we go back inside?
- Do we have to?
- -Stinks of farts in there.
- -[chuckles]
- At least they're not my farts.
- -[water burbling]
- -[Colin groans]
- -When I decided to be a teacher…
- -Mm-hmm.
- …I dreamt of helping students fulfill their potential by gently drawing out their inner creative gifts.
- Instead, I'm plunging their shit.
- You are majestic.
- Shablam!
- Thought you were gonna wear something smart.
- What? My mum washed my jumper.
- Remember to ask questions tonight.
- You're not scared of heights, are you?
- Nah.
- Do you boys want something to eat?
- Uh, no.
- We're gonna go play some video games.
- Uh, actually, I'm going home. [chuckles]
- Lovely to see you again, Maureen.
- Lovely to meet you, Hugh.
- Bye, mate.
- Yeah.
- Well, this is quite a surprise.
- Who gave you these orgasms, then?
- Tom Baker, Joe Fuchart, Ryan Bailey--
- Okay, I get it. I get it.
- -What did they do different?
- -I don't know. Maybe do some research.
[whispers] Am I bad at sex?
- -[man] Eric, come help your mother.
- -♪ Now that we've parted ♪
- Down in a minute!
- -♪ I can't stand the rain ♪
- -[moaning]
- -♪ I can't stand the rain ♪
- -[Jackson] Oh-ho-ho!
- "I am unhygienic and put my peers at risk."
- You will not be allowed your phones for the remainder of the week.
- No one is to speak to these students.
- And you will not be allowed to remove your sign until I say so.
- You better shut your cake stall down.
- Okay. Back to class.
- Hi.
- -Hey.
- -All right.
- Over to you two, then.
- I'm trusting you to maintain some discipline.
- -Okay?
- -Okay.
- -Okay.
- -You betcha.
- I quit.
- No, you're fired!
- -♪ Fuck the pain away ♪
- -♪ Fuck ♪
- -♪ Fuck the pain away ♪
- -♪ Away ♪
- -♪ Fuck the pain away ♪
- -♪ Wow ♪
- -♪ Fuck the pain away ♪
- -♪ Away ♪
- -♪ Fuck the pain away ♪
- -♪ Away ♪
- -♪ Fuck the pain away ♪
- -♪ Away ♪
- I like Isaac.
- You know, I think we have something good.
- So, uh…
- What, we should just forget about it?
- I think so.
[over PA] All students to the assembly hall, please.
- Doesn’t he remind you of someone?
- Adam?
- No, I was thinking more like a boiled Ryan Gosling.
- -[Maeve] No, Adam.
- -I deserve closure!
- Everyone inside, now!
- You can smoke in the living room!
- Yeah! Vulva cupcakes!
- -Fuck yeah!
- -♪ Sucking on my titties ♪
- -I wanna hear ya!
- -♪ Suck, suck, suck ♪
- -What are we gonna do?
- -♪ Sucking on my titties ♪
- -That's right.
- -Whoo!
- Quite a lot of us are poofs in this institution.
- But some things are better left unacknowledged.
- So I don't have to... go home?
- You were found with drugs in your possession, Adam.
- I'm sorry.
- Uncalled for and unnecessary.
- This institution is in disarray, and if you don't pull it together, you'll no longer be headmaster.
- I'll be checking in every month, and I expect to see a turnaround.
- Understood.
- Good.
- You and that weird sex kid who looks like a Victorian ghost.
- You told everyone it was my vagina.
- You're a horrible person.
- Why should I help you?
- W-Well, I--I don't know who else to ask.
- W-W-W-I don't care.
- Please.
- ♪ Hold me now ♪
- ♪ Oh, oh, warm my heart ♪
- No!
- Adam, could you come downstairs, please?
- I'm divorcing your father.
- Would you like some mango?
- How do I say "help"?
[in French] Help!
- I am help!
[in English] Why are you laughing?
- -Sorry. You're funny when you're stressed.
- -Well, you're not helping.
[Otis in French] I am help!
- to engage in sexual activity with a spirit or a ghost.
- So my girlfriend's insane.
- I thought you said it was your friend's girlfriend?
- I've gotta go.
- Fascinating.
- Wow. Who knew?
- -My girls need me.
- -Mm.
- Mm.
- You're not ready for the kind of intimacy I'm looking for.
- Understood.
- Goodbye, Jakob.
- Yeah.
- Shall we?
[announcer] Ladies and gentlemen, please take your seats and prepare for your erotic voyage to the planet of Verona.
- -Hey. You okay?
- -Yeah.
- Ladies and gentlemen, please take your seats and prepare for your erotic voyage to the planet of Verona.
- Um, I'm late for school.
- Yeah...
- How long are you going to be?
- Okay.
- -Heh. Thank you.
- -It's okay.
- -Heh heh.
- -Thank you.
- You're welcome.
- I got caught.
- Of course you did.
- -I think you forgot something.
- -It's just a pencil case.
- Don't give a fuck about your pencil case.
- Curly Wurly.
- Come on, man. Not my Curly Wurly.
- Give me that Curly Wurly... or I will break your face.
- Okay.
- ♪ Oh-oh-oh, I don't want anybody else ♪
- ♪ Oh no, oh no, oh no ♪
- ♪ I don't want anybody else ♪
- ♪ When I think about you, I touch myself ♪
- ♪ I don't want anybody else
- Oh no, oh no, oh no ♪
- I'll be ten minutes, love.
- I'm coming!
- ♪ Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah ♪
Eric: Everyone has had sex over the summer. Everyone except you.
Otis: And you.
Eric: Excuse me, I gave two and a half hand jobs to that guy I met in Butlin's.
Otis: Why the half?
Eric: We got interrupted. Stupid surprise karaoke.
- I introduced you to my dad.
- I've never introduced anyone to him before.
- Well, we could still keep hanging out like we are.
- You need to go.
- Do you mean go just now or go for good?
- For good.
- So, why did you decide to return my notebook?
- I thought you should have it.
- So I assume it was also you who made the photocopies last term.
- Yes, it was.
- And I'm ashamed of my behavior.
- Okay.
- Um...
- But this is so great for you guys!
- Um... What does this mean?
- We’re open for business.
- -Let's go.
- -♪ I got a crazy teacher ♪
- And you learned to bully me so he wouldn't bully you.
- And that is such a great shame.
- But I am too old for it to be my problem anymore.
- Goodbye, Peter.
- He, uh… He's…
- I like this bowl.
Maeve: No, it's really not.
- It's really not.
Maeve: Mum?
- Hi, how are you?
- Stop calling me.
- -We have a friendly relationship.
- -Yeah, but not that friendly.
- I didn't come, but that was so much better!
- Say it again.
- Please?
- Will you hold my hand?
- -Hope! It's a good turnout.
- -Yes!
- Lots of prospective students, the press, and all our private investors, so, uh, no pressure at all. [chuckles]
- Right. Well, I'll be interested to hear your feedback.
- Would you, um, just excuse me a second?
- Mm. Yeah.
- I told him that I loved him, and he didn't say it back.
- What did he say?
- He said, "That's nice."
- -[Anwar] What a dickhead.
- -Everyone loves you.
- I know. That's why I'm so confused.
- I think I'm in the wrong place.
- But I'm also really worried you'll like your new family more than me because I remind you of the pain.
- You remind me of joy.
- Only joy.
- Okay?
- Okay.
- -Jackson, that's your cue.
- -[Quentin] I'll go back on.
- I know all the lines.
- Shut the fuck up, Quentin, you piece of shit. Jesus Christ.
- -[boy] Good morrow, cousin!
- -Get on stage, now!
- And remember, you're not nervous, you're just excited. Go!
- Sir!
- Fuck you, Jeffrey!
- That's domestic abuse.
- Forgettin' someone's birthday is not domestic abuse, Cynthia.
- Everything all right, love?
- Yeah.
- Bye.
- Right. Good. Okay!
- Now that we're all a little bit calmer, should we have a sing-along? Yeah?
- Let's do it.
- I'm sure you find lots of things interesting, but our problem is with the sex, not the relationship.
- So we're just gonna figure this out on our own.
- Uh... [sighs]
- Well, come back when you're ready to talk about your relationship.
- Good session, team. Great progress.
- Um, do you want to use my phone?
- No, a map is just fine.
- Yeah. Uh...
- This way.
- Yeah, it is definitely this way.
- Maybe the drinking was a bad idea.
- What the fuck would you know, Tromboner?
- You're doin' it wrong. Let me try.
- -Give it here.
- -No, it's fine.
- Adam, it's fine, I can do it myself.
- Just give it. It's fine.
- -You can just leave it.
- -Leave it, man! What's wrong with you?
[woman on PA] Maeve Wiley and Otis Milburn to Mr Groff's office.
- The lioness awaits.
[sighs] She’s still not talking to me.
- Wow. Women really hate you.
- Nice outfit.
- -Thanks, Anwar. I love--
- -There's really no need to respond.
- You know, just...
- Mm. Soft.
- Why don't I wank you off?
- You could go down on me.
- -I can't do that.
- -Do you wanna do this or not?
- Bye, then.
- Wait!
- -It's just, safety first.
- -[chuckles]
- Can I talk to you for a sec?
- Oh, do you want me...
- Do you want me to go?
- -Yeah.
- -Oh, good.
- I'll just, um... leave, then, shall I?
Ruby: I am literally perfect…
- Stop the video now!
Anwar: I'm great at anal douching, and I feel no shame.
- -I'm great--
- -That's not gonna do anything.
- There's nothing to see here.
- -Get out of my way!
- -Eric!
- Kind of makes sense, actually.
- It doesn't make sense to me.
[exhales] You were supposed to be here three hours ago.
- Yeah, I walked.
- I'm really enjoying walking at the moment.
- It's so evaporating.
- -Invigorating?
- -Yeah. That's what I said.
- -[both] Yeah.
- -Great.
- Well, I'm going to need both of you to make a list of everyone you've had recent sexual contact with so we can find out who it really was.
- Then you can start telling people it wasn't Fiona.
- Names.
- "No, thanks."
- Ooh! [groans]
- Hi, Adam.
- Can we talk...
- -about what happened?
- -I don't know what you're talking about.
- Yes, you do.
- It's what they do in films.
- It's supposed to be romantic, isn't it?
- I think I'm a bit scared.
- You don't want to anymore?
- No. No, no, no. I do. I really do.
- It's just, I… I'm worried that I don't know what I'm doing.
- Well, I don't know either.
- I missed you.
- -I missed you too.
- -Yeah?
- Yeah.
- Come.
- Let's go.
- -Anybody else also into younger men?
- -[Olivia] What are we doing?
- -Figuring out what we have in common.
- -... things we all like.
- -Are you all right?
- -Yeah, are you?
- -Yeah, I'm great.
- -Great.
- It's going well then.
- Ugh.
- Luke spilled some water and it looks like he's pissed himself.
- You need to chill out, man.
- Look... grab it with your right... and let your left slap it.
- Took me ages to get it as well.
Adam: Dreams aren't real.
Adam: That's why they're called dreams.
- -I heard about the girl--
- -I can't believe I had sex with you.
- Okay, Ruby, we definitely used a condom, right?
- Yes. I'm, like, 99 percent certain.
- Oh! [retches]
- -Sorry.
- -[Jean] Otis!
- Come down.
- -That'll do it.
- -So... yeah.
- -[Eric laughs]
- -So...
- Cool. Cool.
- -Bye, Jean.
- -Bye, Eric.
- Yeah. [chuckles]
- -Jean Milburn?
- -Yeah, that's me.
- Are you fucking kidding me?
- Fuck!
- Don't you tell me to calm down, Jakob. Where were you?
- I told you,
- I was trying to get us some tea.
- Well, fuck the fucking tea.
- I needed you in the room.
- How can I help you?
- Oh, that's fantastic. Another one.
- Hey, Adam, you know homophobia is so 2008, right?
- Totes passé.
- Thanks, Anwar.
- -Not your friends.
- -Okay.
- See? I told you he'd forget.
- Yeah...
Erin: You will circle every 'A' in the paper until one of you owns up.
Jean: That's not very productive, miss.
Erin: Neither is slut-shaming your teacher. Get circling girls, I'll be back to check on you.
- Oh, and I think Rahim is gay.
- -That actually makes a ton of sense.
- -Mm-hmm.
- Staring at you, wanting to sit next to you all the time, giving you books. He probably likes you.
- Otis, I don't think so.
- Read the signs, Eric. I have to go.
Eric: [about sex] It feels good to wank, so it must be like that, but better. And doing it with someone who likes you must be awesome, because they really get you. Maybe the two of you become one, like the Spice Girls said.
- You need to focus.
- I am focused.
- Look. You've got your whole life for girlfriends, Jacko.
- You've got county trials coming up.
- And then you're on to the nationals.
- Remember, winners never quit.
- -Quitters never win.
- -Aye. Let's go again.
- Oh.
- Oh, I actually-I kind of need to study.
- I've got a ton of trigonometry homework.
- Um...
- Okay. Uh, thanks, though.
- Wait. Wait.
- I could help you study, if you like.
- But he did, and here we are.
- What did it say?
- The voice mail?
- Doesn't matter.
- It was ages ago.
- Matters to me.
- ♪ Sexy boy ♪
- Ice cream scoop.
- Baba ghanoush! Oh!
- Baba ghanoush!
- Say it again! Baba... [moaning]
- Ghanoush!
- Sorry if I got, like, sick on you and stuff.
- I'm sorry.
- I'm so sorry.
- Oh. Did we forget the car?
- -Sh, Jackson--
- -Where's the--
- He's a bit drunk.
- My brother will bring the car--
- -Cal, it's PE. Are you coming?
- -Yeah, I'll be right there.
- -Whoa! [chuckles]
- -Hey.
- -Oh. Oops.
- -Whoa!
- I'm… Okay, I'm in your way, obviously.
- It's okay.
- After you, good human.
Jean: Oh, come in. Take a seat.
- Remember, this is a completely safe place to share.
- I'm sorry, this used to be the history classroom.
- Bye then.
Otis: I had a... sex dream... about Maeve.
Eric: That's brilliant! Was it ALS challenge or just your basic dick sneeze?
- Jean Milburn.
- Uh, yes. I'm just waiting for my partner.
Jean: [to Aimee] You may never be the old you, but that's okay. As human beings, we are constantly changing and developing.
- Bye, Casual Hamm.
- Oh, this? [chuckles]
- Yeah, no, I'm auditionin' for Swing Band, thanks for askin'.
- So nice that you care about what's happenin' in my life.
- Okay, good night.
- Good night.
- Sentences need full stops.
[exhales] Sentences need full stops.
[boy] Oi!
- Shut up!
- I'm trying to concentrate.
- -[Otis] It's not a game.
- -It is a game.
- -Because Maeve and I are just friends.
- -Hm.
- Anyway, she's not gonna fall for this whole performance.
- Oh, my God, I love Virginia Woolf.
- Nice guys finish last.
- Especially when there's a nicer guy with rock-hard abs.
- Ugh. It won't go away.
- It's been half an hour,
- -and it's really cold.
- -[Eric laughing]
- There's only one solution.
- It's just wanking.
- Oh, God.
Aimee: I've been wanking all night. I ate four packets of crumpets, and I think my clit might drop off.
- Is this a sex thing?
- Has he got worms or something?
- Has he given them to me?
- Am I riddled with worms now?
- No. We need to talk to him.
- Okay.
- Ruby, where's Kyle?
- Probably having a whitey in the kitchen.
- He's so disgusting, Aimee. Honestly.
[chuckles] I'm so proud of you.
- Thanks, Mum.
- Aren’t we so proud?
- -Oh, yes. Yes!
- -Proud of Adam, yes!
- Erm... Ye-Yes, already said.
- We're very proud.
- Apparently, you're secretly sleeping with Otis Milburn. [scoffs]
- Ugh! As if.
- It's true.
- I don't like it when I hurt people.
- -Then don't.
- -Yeah.
- I don't know why I do it. I just get so angry, but…
- I wanna change.
- Okay.
Aimee: Cum is kind of like a penis having a sneeze.
Liam: I'm gonna jump!
Otis: Stop, Liam, don't. Don't do this.
Liam: Oh. Hi Otis.
Otis: You don't wanna jump.
Liam: No. I think I do.
Otis: You don't. Look... sometimes, the people we like don't like us back, and it's painful, but there's nothing we can do about it.
Liam: You don't understand.
Otis: I do. I do understand. I know what it's like when someone doesn't feel the same way about you. It's... someone you can't stop thinking about. It hurts. But you can't make people like you.
Liam: I don't like her - I love her!
Otis: I know. But love isn't about grand gestures, or the moon and the stars. It's just dumb luck. And sometimes, you meet someone who feels the same way. And then sometimes you're unlucky. But one day, you're gonna meet someone who appreciates you for who you are. I mean, there's seven billion people on the planet. I know one of them is gonna climb up on a moon for you.
Liam: Really?
Otis: Yeah, you're brillian! You're very dedicated. You're gonna make someone really happy one day.
Lizzie: But it will not be me!
Otis: Not Lizzie, definitely not Lizzie, but someone. And it won't happen if you fall off that moon and die.
Liam: Okay.
Remi: When you're young, you think that everybody out there really, really gets you. But, you know, actually, only a handful of them do. All the people who like you, despite your faults. And then if you discard them, they will never come back. So, when you meet those people, you should just hold on to them. Really, really tightly. And don't let them go.
- You can have it back in the morning.
- -[girl] Hello, lover.
- -Ooh! Fuck.
- How did you get in? You've gotta go.
[grunts] Your hand's a bit dry.
- -[both] The counties.
- -Yeah.
- Speaking of that...
- I really need to focus for the next few weeks, so I might not be able to, like... hang out as much.
- Sorry for being boring.
- We're not married, Jackson. It's fine.
- More chocolate.
- Sir, I've covered your pretzel in chocolate three times now.
- More chocolate.
- Has he touched your vagina?
- Not yet.
- He sort of hovers and then loses his nerve.
- It's... really frustrating.
- -Just tell him what you want.
- -I think it'll freak him out.
- Human boys are so fragile.
- I wanna tell you how I feel, but I don't want you to look at me.
- Okay.
- Can I put it in without a condom?
- -Hmm?
- -You know it feels so much better.
- Please?
- Okay, okay, okay, okay.
- Just remember to pull out before you come.
- -Mm-hmm.
- -Mm. Okay? [chuckles]
- This was, um... strange.
- Okay.
- Bye.
- Bye.
- You're still here.
- That was supposed to be romantic.
- Hey, no, it's... I like them.
- I'm just...
- -hot.
- -Well, maybe this doesn't feel right.
- We don't have to do it if you don't want to.
- Hey, I do.
- He's fine.
- Did you talk to him about your fight with Eric?
- I think it's important
- -you don't bottle up residual guilt.
- -Mum!
- What did you talk about?
- Father-son stuff.
- -You're on time.
- -How long is this gonna take, new kid?
- Well, um--
- I'm already bored.
- Have you got any Nesquik?
- On-Only Mana.
- Eric Effiong to Mr. Groff's office.
- Eric Effiong to Mr. Groff's office.
- No selfies, or slow dances, or soppy song requests.
- Okay, yeah, cool.
- -I'll pick you up at 7:30.
- -Mm.
- -Wait, you do have a dress, right?
- -Yeah, course. I'm not a troglodyte.
- -Yeah!
- -[chuckles]
- Shit...
- -[girls laughing]
- -God, what is with that weird crop top?
[girl] Shut it!
[girl 1] What's Adam Groff doing back?
- I heard his mum bribed the school to let him back.
- And you know he's gay now, right?
- You okay?
- Yeah, I'm fine.
- Can you sign your story?
[girl] Glenoxi's my hero.
- Do it for me?
- ♪ What is love? ♪
Eric: You ready? Okay.
- ♪ Don't hurt me ♪
- ♪ No more ♪
- Uh... Back, forward, back...
- "A boring horse."
- "Its blah-blah eyes never open, never closed."
- "His head shape so average."
- That's actually quite good.
- I think I was wrong though.
- You're not as unremarkable as I thought.
- but you'll find that having a uniform creates a sense of unity and equilibrium.
- And speaking of changes, the choir will now sing the new school anthem,
- "Non Sibi, sed Toti."
- -[neck cracks]
- -Shh.
- I did try and steal him.
- -I'm sorry.
- -I did like him... but I kind of wanted to beat you too.
- Let's get you home.
- Wanna walk me home?
- Yeah.
- -♪ Baby ♪
- -♪ Baby ♪
- -♪ Love really hurts without you ♪
- -♪ Ooh-ooh ♪
- Well, that was unexpected.
- -♪ Love really hurts without you ♪
- -♪ Ooh, ooh ♪
- -♪ And it's breakin' my heart ♪
- -♪ Yeah ♪
- -♪ But what can I do? ♪
- -♪ Oh, baby ♪
- everyone treatin' me like shit.
- It's how we all feel.
- But you can't go around punching people.
- -You told me to toughen up.
- -But not like that.
- What kind of man do you want to be?
- What kind of man do you want me to be, Dad?
- Maybe you just don't feel that way about Ruby yet, which is fine, but you have to tell her the what?
- -The truth.
- -The truth.
- Because the longer you leave it, the more hurt she'll be. Yeah?
- -Yeah.
- -Yeah.
- -Yeah.
- -Come on!
[woman] Peter, what's he saying?
Maeve: Christ.
- -Maeve.
- -Anna.
- Lovely to meet you. You're so pretty!
- Come in. We're playing tea parties with Elsie's dollies.
- Wanna give us a hand?
- I… don't want to have sex with you.
- I want you to have sex with me.
- I don't understand what you're saying, Adam.
- I want you to put your dick in me.
- That's how I would like to do it.
- -Yeah, but--
- -I agree.
- Would you like Jackson's job?
- -Sure, absolutely, yes.
- -Wait, what?
- Fantastic. You start today.
- This will give you lots more time to focus on your artistic pursuits.
- You know it would look amazing on my school CV. I couldn't say no.
- I'd like to have sex.
- I think you're sexy, and I really want to have sex with someone.
- -I'm gay!
- -Fuck! Really?
- Yeah, properly.
- -You could pretend I'm a boy.
- -Um, I don't think--
- -We could wank each other off.
- -No. No. No, thank you.
- -♪ Anywhere I try to go ♪
- -♪ Go ♪
- -♪ All the walls are fallin' down ♪
- -♪ Down ♪
- -♪ Garbage lyin' all around ♪
- -♪ Ooh ♪
Otis: You can't choose who you're attracted to. You can't engineer a relationship.
- Uh, I've gotta drop these off, but I can come back--
- Don't bother, okay? You shouldn’t be walkin' dogs if you can’t control them.
- Just fuck off.
- -Madam! Madam!
- -["When You're Young and in Love" plays]
- -♪ La-la-la ♪
- -♪ Ooh ♪
- -♪ Spring in the air ♪
- -[burner clicking]
- Hello.
- We need to talk, New Kid.
- It's nice.
- You'll let me know when I can have my jeans back?
[Neil] Absolutely. Thanks, Aimee.
- Sorry for ruining your birthday.
- Weirdly, one of the best birthdays
- I've had in a long time.
- -All right, bye!
- -[female officer] Bye.
- I'm ready for you to read my story.
- I'll send it to you now.
- -[whimsical music playing]
- -[typing]
- Okay.
- Well, fucking hell!
- Oh!
- Hello.
- That wasn't an apology.
- That was just another excuse.
- You don't end up in bad situations.
- You make bad choices.
- Hey, body slammer. What you doing here?
- -[thud]
- -Oh, dear.
- -Can you give me a hand, please?
- -Why would I do that... sucker?
- Come on. It was pretty funny.
- -No. Why would I steal?
- -Yeah.
- -Because I dare you.
- -So?
- -I dare you to do it.
- -Wh--
- -I dare you. Come on, it's easy.
- -Don't. I can't...
- -Just live a little.
- -I'm not--
- Shh. It's fine.
- Wait.
- Wait.
- -Sit.
- -[whimpers]
- Here you are.
Jean: [to her son] Otis, it's perfectly normal for a younger man to be sexually attracted to a mature woman. In fact, when you stigmatize his choice, then you feed into an unhealthy narrative on masculinity in middle age.
Dan: That's why I say you should never date a shrink, huh?
[chuckles]
Jean: Sex and relationship therapist, thank you very much.
- -♪ We're on a ride to nowhere ♪
- -Um...
- Do you want me to go down on you? Ruthie?
- Or we could watch Blue Planet?
- -♪ We're on a road to nowhere ♪
- -Okay.
[man on TV] Well, the silky sharks are a beautiful shark.
- And what makes them even more fascinating is that there are thousands of them here.
- To which children?
Otis: I need to tell you something.
- Um...
- I might take your hand, actually.
- No, wait. No. That feels weird. Sorry.
- Okay. Here goes.
- So now everyone knows anyway,
- I was thinking we could keep seeing each other?
- You know, because I like having sex with you.
- No more cars or toilets?
- No, no more cars or toilets.
- -Oh, I've gotta go.
- -Okay.
- Um...
- Cool.
- You have to break up with him.
- Yeah, I do.
- ♪ Push it ♪
[Morris] Parade, shun!
- Slope arms!
- General salute.
- Present arms!
- Slope arms!
Aimee: Steve says his "thing" is girls properly enjoying sex. He says he can tell I'm being fake.
Otis: Well, are you?
Aimee: Yeah. I'm always fake.
- -male rabbits are called bucks?
- -No, didn't know that.
- -Yeah. It's all in this book called--
- -I'm in a bit of a rush.
[sighs] I just came back to get my cigarettes. I'm sorry, babe.
- -It's a really good book.
- -That's weird.
- I could have swore I locked that.
- Fuck.
- -What do you--
- -You're too much.
- Why am I always the last to know, Maeve?
- -What's that supposed to mean?
- -It means you don't trust me.
- You never have.
- Do you love me?
- -Just say you don't and I'll--
- -I don't. [sniffles]
- -[Eric] Come on then.
- -I'm coming, I'm coming.
- -[ride rattling]
- -[Otis] Ooh!
- -What was that? That was really unsafe.
- -Calm down.
- -Eric. Ahh, I'm sorry. I feel vulnerable.
- -Excuse me, Oatcake! Get back here!
Otis: It'll be fine, you're fine.
- -Hello.
- -Hi. Hello.
- Sure. Let me just get this off.
- Actually, don't. I got a rash last time.
- Let's do it from behind.
- Okay.
- Mm!
- I'm gonna come. Are you gonna come?
- Mm!
- This is a shitshow.
- ♪ We don't have to take our clothes off ♪
[whooping] Yeah!
- Let's hear it for... Asking For Treble!
- Earth-shattering stuff, huh?
- You're a slut.
- This is serious, okay?
- I need to find someone who understands vaginas.
- Your mum.
- -I'm being serious.
- -No, Otis, your mum is here.
- Okay. All right.
- Good luck, Fingertron.
- -[laughter]
- -[teacher] That's enough.
- -♪ Said, "Help me, doctor" ♪
- -Settle down.
- -♪ '"Cause I can't breathe" ♪
- -♪ I need a little this, a little that ♪
- -[singer yodeling]
- -♪ A little this, a little that ♪
- -[phone alert]
- -♪ Ha-ha! He's just warmin' up ♪
- -♪ You gotta give him a minute ♪
- -♪ Yeah! ♪
- The Little Mermaid has to lose her voice just to get a boyfriend.
- -Don't get me started on Snow White.
- -Right, I'm gonna dance.
- Cool.
- Uh... I don’t really dance.
- -But we're at a dance.
- -It's not really my thing.
- Okay. Well, I'm still gonna dance.
- She is so bold. I can't believe it.
- Don't you think it's weird how the last surrogate was never in the show?
- I watch the Kardashians with my mum.
- Well, well, well.
- What are you doing here?
- Getting the bus.
- We're all getting the bus.
- Hi. I'm going to kiss you, okay?
- ♪ Oh, oh-oh-oh ♪
- ♪ Oh, oh-oh-oh ♪
- ♪ Love is the drug ♪
- That's what it's supposed to feel like.
- I have to go and do homework.
- Probably.
- But let's give it some time, yeah?
- Better go.
- I would offer to help you with your case, but, um, you're on your own, I'm afraid.
[chuckles] That's fair enough.
- See ya.
- On your way, sucker.
- Can you not see that we are very upset here?
- -[Otis] It's fine.
- -[Eric] Go away. Right now.
- -[chuckles]
- -[Eric] Get out of here!
- Now!
- Nonsense!
- Unbelievable.
- Thank you.
- -Goodbye.
- -Bye.
- Yeah, take care. Good to see you.
- You forgot your bag!
- You don't need your bag?
[quietly] Please leave.
- Good luck! [chuckles]
- That was very brave.
- And also quite emasculating.
- Look, my shift is over in 15 minutes and I'm gonna walk you home.
- Whoo! Whoo!
- -Go on!
- -Whoo!
- -Come on. Go. Focus! Focus!
- -Come on!
- Whoo!
- -♪ Fuck the pain away ♪
- -♪ Fuck ♪
- -♪ Fuck the pain away ♪
- -♪ Away ♪
- -♪ Fuck the pain away
- -♪ Fuck ♪
- -♪ Fuck the pain away ♪
- -Oh shit!
- -♪ Fuck the pain away ♪
- -Go!
- -Two, three!
- -♪ Fuck the pain away ♪
Colin: Okay, party people.
- -["Pump Up the Jam" playing]
- -This is for real.
- Who remembers this? Anyone? Here we go.
- Ready? Whoa.
- Come on!
- No?
- Okay, I'll read it for you.
- Um, they're selling the school.
- What? When?
- -Adam, I'm so sorry. I--
- -Stop apologizing.
- Can we walk home together?
- Yeah.
- How do I look?
- Gorgeous.
- Go and take a look at yourself in the mirror. Right now, Adam.
- Go look in the mirror.
- I look quite pretty.
- Introducing Adamina from Moordale!
Remi: Just try and stay honest. Because once you start lying, it's very hard to stop.
- I mean, what exactly is the problem here?
- I mean, can you even get a hard-on?
- Of course I can.
- I'm not a fucking eunuch, all right?
- I just-I wait for them to go away.
- I don't like how it feels.
- Can we drop it now, please?
- No offense, but that is super weird.
- Super weird.
- I did it to myself.
- I put my hand under the weight because I wanted it to stop, and then it did stop and it felt amazing, but now... it's starting again, and it feels like my head's about to explode if it doesn't stop.
- I just need it to stop, like...
- -What to stop?
- -This fucking pressure.
- It's not him, it's you.
- You act like a different person when you're around him, like you're trying to be something that you're not.
- He doesn't make you sparkle.
- ♪ Oh, will wonders ever cease? ♪
- ♪ Blessed be the mystery of love ♪
- I'm gonna learn how to play Scabby Queen if it's the last thing I do.
- Will you teach me?
- Yeah.
- -Madame.
- -[both chuckle]
- Ugh! Sh!
- But where will Michael live?
- He's a grown man. He'll be fine.
- Yes! Yes! Yes!
- Save your applause.
- We are not getting married, but we are moving in together!
- Can we please go home?
- -[chuckles]
- -You look like a traffic cone.
- So, uh, Anwar, I had this really weird thing happen to me recently, with, like, a... a bumhole! [chuckles]
- -Did you shit yourself?
- -No!
- No, I did not.
- Uh, good convo, guys. Did not shit myself.
- No! Okay, sure.
- But, um... [laughs]
- ...I have to be a bit different there.
- Like, a bit more serious, if you get what I mean.
- Yeah. That's okay.
- -You sure?
- -Yeah.
- Let's go to church.
- I got suspended for my beliefs.
- I, uh…
- I'm trying to write a poem for Eric, and I thought you could help me.
- You want me to help you write a poem for my ex-boyfriend?
- Forget it.
- Let me see the poem.
Maeve: Do you know how long I've been called Cock Biter? Four years. People I've never met call me Cock Biter to my face. I bit Simon Furthassle's scrote. I had sex with four guys at the same time. I fucked my second cousin. I'll give you a hand job for a fiver if you like. Do you know how it started? Simon tried to kiss me at Claire Tyler's 14th birthday. I said no. So he told everyone I'd given him a blow job and bitten his dick, and that was it. This kind of thing sticks. And it hurts, and no one deserves to be shamed, not even Ruby.
- You take her things.
- You say you're not going to take her... but you're lying.
- You're fucking lying.
- There's a hostile resident not cooperating.
- We need assistance.
- She already won this competition when she was 14.
- ♪ Don't you like ♪
- ♪ The things I do ♪
- ♪ You're wearing a frown ♪
- ♪ I've been shot down ♪
- All right. Let's go.
- My name is Eric!
- Stop trying to be cool.
- You're an alcoholic music teacher who thinks that he "gets jazz".
- You're tragic.
- I don't appreciate that tone.
- -Eric, come back here--
- -Don't fucking touch me!
Jackson: You know, it's weird. You're my age, but wise. You're like my mum... in a little man's body. Like a little mum man. No offense.
- You're the first one I've had sex with since it happened.
- I wasn't planning on it.
- But you're right,
- I can be, uh... impulsive.
- I really like you, Jean.
- I would like to get to know you better.
- I'm sorry if I've given you the wrong idea.
- -Oh, we can do that.
- -What?
- We'd love to help paint it.
- Okay. Fantastic.
- Thanks, Vivienne.
- What did you do that for?
- Viv!
- Stop kidding yourself.
- Or maybe you're just not as independent as you thought.
- Go to your room!
- I'm 16.
- Fine!
- Well, then I'll go to mine!
- So, where's it gonna happen?
- Well, both our parents are home, so I'm making a romantic picnic.
- We're gonna do it alfresco.
- Alfresco?
- -Eh-heh.
- -Mm-hmm.
- -Eh-heh. Eh-heh.
- -Eh-heh. Eh-heh!
- It makes me think better.
- Okay. [clears throat]
- Sure, Adam.
- I can try and help you.
- But you must commit yourself.
- I don't want to waste my time.
- Thanks, miss.
- than the ones I chose not to.
- It's better not being a mum at all than being a bad one.
- I bet your kids really love you.
- Hm!
- Oh, fuck off and let me eat my mousse.
- Okay.
- How was the trip?
- Shit.
- We have the cheapest vodka available.
- It's pretty much paint stripper, but I promise you it'll do a job.
- -Yeah.
- -No. You're driving.
- No, no. I'll drive. That's fine.
- That means you two can have your romantic evening and, well... fuck curfew.
- You should have said.
- Anwar, I didn't know how to do any of that stuff either.
- I'll show you if you want?
- -Okay.
- -Okay?
- -Yeah.
- -All right.
- Let's go.
Oba: Bow bow! Ah!
- Hey!
- -Hey, sister. How are you?
- -Hey, how you doing?
- Hi! How are you guys?
- Okay. [chuckles]
- Thank you!
- Um, I'm sorry, Jackson. I don't…
- I don't think I can do this.
- -Okay. No, that's cool.
- -Sorry.
Eric: Oh! Well, we're out in Lagos, baby!
- Mm-mm-mm-mm!
- -Where are you taking me, then?
- -You'll see.
- Somewhere sexy? Somewhere fun?
- Somewhere a little bit sweat? [laughs]
- I've forgotten it. No, I haven't. Here.
- Wow. [laughing]
- I know you hate it at home, but...
- I'm kind of glad you're back.
- It's nearly morning. We should get going.
- I'm glad I'm back too.
- Oh!
- That... [chuckles]
- What was that? [chuckles]
- Adam, we should talk about--
- If you ever tell anyone about this,
- I will fuckin' end you, do you understand?
- She-She helps people bone better.
- Yes, in essence.
- Look, um...
- Could you not tell anyone about this, please?
- -[door closes]
- -[Jean] Otis, darling?
- -I'm home!
- -[gasps]
- -Yes.
- -Yeah?
- -If you remember where your trainers are.
- -[chuckles]
- -Come on, then!
- -All right.
- -[knocking at door]
- -[door opens]
- Oh, you're dressed!
- Do you want a lift to school?
Otis: Sometimes the people we like don't like us back, and it's painful, but there's nothing we can do about it.
- And this lovely little scrote right here,
- 1990!
- We weren't even born, and you're trying to paint over it like it's nothing.
- Maybe we shouldn't do this.
- You're head boy, right?
- If you really care, you should make your case.
- I'm gonna go talk to Hope.
- And why do you have so much loose change, huh?
- I-I can't get two seconds alone with my own thoughts because... there you are again.
- And there and there.
- We are in a relationship.
- I kissed Remi.
- Cool, um, you decide what we do,
- 'cause I don't know what's cool to do in this town.
Jackson: Ooh.
- -You auditioning for the play?
- -[scoffs] Yeah, I'm going up for Juliet.
- Who's that?
- I'm joking.
- Someone just gave it to me. It's stupid.
- Help him, Jeffrey.
- And you... should be ashamed of yourself.
- Cheers, Jeff.
- Cheers, mate.
[whispers] Sucker.
- Uh...
- The American War of Independence took place during the reign of which British king?
- Uh, Henry VIII.
- -George III.
- -Yeah.
- -Whose 1950 novel A Town Like Alice...
- -Fuckin' tits!
- ...is set in the Far Eastern theatre of the Second World War?
- Sorry.
- -Sorry, I didn't mean--
- -[spits]
- How do you like it?
- I don't.
- Yeah.
- Didn't think so.
- So, your mum's lying about going to work.
- I saw her pretending to leave this morning and sneaking back into the caravan again.
- Shit stirrer.
- I'm only telling you what I saw.
- Take it or leave it.
- -Okay. Night, Isaac. [clears throat]
- -Good night.
- great for my self-esteem.
- I feel the same way. [chuckles]
- Purely... pragmatic.
- -Do you wanna meet up this week?
- -Tonight.
- Your house. I'll bring the condoms.
- -You bring the lube.
- -No...
[automated voice] Sorry. The number you have dialed is not in service.
- -[musical ringing continues]
- -[tuts]
- I don't know why I bother.
- Well-Leave out the window.
- Good night, Mrs. Groff.
- Good night, Headmaster Groff.
- -What is wrong with you?
- -[door slams]
[Mr. Groff] Adam, get down here now!
- He finds it hard to cook now.
- It's fine though!
- Want me to come and help?
- Did you wanna have sex again?
- No, just thought you might want some help with your dad.
- I'm fine.
- I'll see you tomorrow.
- "So that meant getting a good meal meant you might be killed the next day."
- It says, "During World War I,
- 250,000 boys under 18 were recruited."
- Same age as us.
- Crazy to think people used to have to go to war.
- Some still do. We're just lucky.
- Come on, Jackson!
- Come on!
[boy] Jackson!
- Jackson!
[man] On your marks, please.
- I'll make sure you get home okay.
- Fine.
- Um…
- Did we…
- No.
- Cool.
- -I told Lily.
- -And I told everyone.
- This was supposed to stay between me and you!
- What are you doing here?
- I sold my first painting, so no beans on toast for us tonight.
- We are going out for pizza!
- Oh, well done.
- Always knew you would, genius.
- Sir!
- Terry, get a grip on her!
- -Push him hard today, Coach.
- -I always do.
- Where's the only place that success comes before work?
- -The dictionary.
- -Teamwork?
- -Is dream work!
- -Get in there and swim, swim, swim!
- -Okay!
- -[laughs]
- -♪ This is the day ♪
- -♪ Your life will surely change ♪
- You're here because
- Steve is doing extra study for your stupid altitude scheme.
- You're my date.
- -Aptitude scheme, Aimee.
- -Yeah, that's what I said.
- -Yeah.
- -Can you win me a giant pig?
- Hi.
- Hey.
- I think we more than care for each other.
- What are you saying?
- I think we should be a family.
- But she also said that we barely know each other.
- I don't care what the therapist said.
- I think we should be a family, Jean.
- that protect me from the world but still let me watch it."
- I'm sorry. Sorry.
- I don't think I belong in the class.
- You're a beautiful writer, Maeve.
- You can have more expansive dreams than four chairs and some windows.
- Think about it.
- You're at my door. Um...
- Eh... Did you get my text?
- It said, uh... "Hello."
- But I guess it should have said, "Sorry."
[scoffs] My dad sent me to fix your sink.
- Um, look, you don't... you don't need to do that. My mum's called a plumber.
- Well, change it!
- Whoa!
- -They're really a thing now.
- -Mm-hm.
- Sure you're okay?
- Yeah, I'm fine, honestly.
- What's that line doing here?
- because I'm getting a life beyond our friendship, and you can't deal with it.
- I rang your mom to pick me up because this is where I felt safe.
- I think I made a mistake.
[Ezra Furman] ♪ Can I sleep ♪
- You all right, darling?
- Do you want to talk?
- Hey.
- I fixed the sign.
- Your sign looks really good.
- Oh, uh, what's your favorite food?
- Food. Uh, lasagna?
- No, pizza. And fish and chips.
- I like peanut butter on toast, but not too toasted and without crusts.
- That's incredibly unhelpful.
- Let's just get takeaway, then.
- They are compulsory, and it's non-negotiable.
- I think my soul just died.
- We're also cracking down on jewelry, piercings, hair dye, and any non-regulation uniform.
- Detentions will be given if you do not abide by the rules.
- I told you, it's never just a line.
- -[cheering]
- -Yay! Hey!
- Oh, good. It's you again.
- Yeah! [laughs]
- I heard about your problem.
- -[girl 1] That's a lie. That's a lie.
- -[girl 2] Are you sure it's not--
- -[laughter]
- -[multiple phone alerts]
- -[Anwar] Tromboner!
- -[all] Tromboner!
- Tromboner-boner!
- -Tromboner!
- -Tromboner!
- it's me.
- I'm not... I'm not normal.
- Of course you're normal.
- You're 16.
- You're not supposed to know the answers to anything.
- You're going to be just fine.
- We better get you packed, then. Again.
- -[Otis] So no more Moordale.
- -[Eric] Mm.
Otis: What are we gonna do?
- Well, as long as we've got each other, we'll be all right.
Maeve: Otis?
- Let the negative energy dissipate.
- Okay. [exhales slowly]
- -[exhales]
- -Two...
- Sorry I yelled.
- And I'm sorry... if I upset your friend.
- Come on.
- I'm really sorry, Ruby.
- I hate you. I'm going home.
- -[door opens]
- -Fine. She's such a bitch.
- Hmm. Heh.
- How'd you know it was a girl?
- I read a lot of true crime.
- But my fear is he found out that... we were in a relationship, he just would... never forgive me.
- I understand.
- It's for the best.
- Yeah.
- What are they for?
- Just felt like buying them.
- They're far too expensive.
- I want a divorce.
- Aah!
- Yeah, see you tomorrow.
- Shit biscuit.
- I'm left with no choice but to keep you in here for the remainder of Open Day.
- -You're in violation of my rights.
- -[door rattling]
- Let me go!
- -[indistinct chattering]
- -[camera shutters clicking]
- Well, this… this is different.
Colin: Oh.
Eric: Your mum's new boyfriend is a big, hot, sticky wet dream.
[sobs] Hi.
- Hi. It's Eric. Um... something bad has happened.
- Can you come and pick me up?
- So, do you have any hobbies, Maeve?
- Oh, the usual. Water polo.
- Crochet.
- I also run illegal cock fights.
- Is this supposed to be knocking me out?
- 'Cause I don't think...
- -What's wrong with him?
- -I don't know.
- Get on with it!
- Could be anywhere.
- What are you lookin' at, El Pervo?
- Did you hear that?
- He spoke to me! With actual words!
- -He called you a Spanish pervert.
- -Oh, this is gonna be such a good year!
- I can feel it!
- I didn't realize you were going, Rahim.
- Uh, where's Otis's house then?
- Uh, 43 Ashford Street.
- BYO booze.
- Bye. Your hair is majestic.
- You're not actually going to a party on a Thursday, are you?
- Thursdays are the new Fridays, Olivia.
- Get with the program.
- I can't… I can't do this.
Otis: Okay.
- I understand.
- I don't… I don't wanna lose you again.
- I'm confused. This is confusing me.
Jean: I don't know if any of us understand much about love. We just know we feel it when we feel it.
- No. No, no.
- I'm the grown-up.
- Thanks for giving this another go.
- Let’s talk about your problem.
- And I think we should go back to the beginning.
- What makes you feel like you need to give your boyfriend blow jobs?
- -It's just so difficult to...
- -[loud cheering]
- -["Restless Year" playing]
- -♪ Ooh, la, ooh ♪
- -Where the fuck is Mayfield Road?
- -Who the fuck is Helen Brook?
- I think she was an advocate for reproductive rights.
- Ruby, please can we talk?
- Not now, Otis!
- I've got to go and protect myself from your penis!
- -There's a time and a place.
- -Yeah.
Maureen: You have to let the people you love know that you love them, even if it causes you a great deal of pain.
- you have the untapped sexual knowledge of a tantric master.
- -What are you waiting for?
- -I don't know.
- It's a lot of pressure, all right?
- I have all the theory, but in practice, I know nothing.
- So what if Ola finds out about your wank problem?
- I thought you said it was normal?
Otis: Hey, Maeve. I know you can't answer this right now because I'm watching you on live TV. But I wanted you to know how proud of you I am. And how unbelievably stupid I've been. You telling me you had feelings for me was... was all I wanted to hear, and... I was so caught up in trying to do the right thing, I lost track of what that actually is. It's you. It's always been you. I love you, Maeve. Call me back. I hope it's not too late...
- I made a mistake and I said some horrible things I didn't mean.
- I miss you, and I'm sorry.
- You think I'm an attention-seeker.
- I think you are the coolest, bravest and kindest person I know.
- -♪ Now, there were three sexes then ♪
- -You owe me a birthday.
- -[laughs]
- -♪ One that looked ♪
- However, the mental scars still remain.
- A lesson for us all.
- Calmly moving on.
- It is my great pleasure to introduce to you our brand-new head boy...
- Jackson Marchetti.
- My pubes are out of control.
- I've only just cut them and they've grown back.
- I'm like Wolverine.
- And then how did that make you feel?
- I fucked a warm melon, and now it stings when I pee.
- Now, that is unusual. Hm.
- You're so wise.
- Like an old owl.
- Why are you here?
- I was checking on Otis.
- Wow.
- I thought my parents were controlling.
- Fine.
- I'll see you at school then.
- Wait. I think I don't wanna be just friends.
- Why?
- Because you smell so much better than a boy.
- I just...
- ♪ I am too sore
- Empierced with Cupid's shaft ♪
- ♪ Don't try to... ♪
- The students have been working so hard, sir.
- Be that as it may--
- Adam!
- All right, Dad.
- Yeah.
- I think I'm addicted to wanking.
- I'm kinda doin' it right now.
- Can you help?
- No private conversations, please.
- Is it weird that I always think about the Queen when I come?
- What I'm trying to say is...
- I'm just new to all this and I need to take things slowly.
- -[clears throat]
- -Okay.
- Do you want to kiss me?
- Eh... Yeah... Yes, um... I do.
- Stop talking and do it, then.
- Mm.
Otis: Oh, no, I gotta get this button.
- Can you see it?
- Yeah, I can. Wait, stay still.
[Otis sighs] Oh, jeez.
Otis: Fucking...
- -[clattering]
- -Oh, jeez.
- -What's in here?
- -Uh, no--
- -Do you dress up like a lady?
- -No.
- No, I mean, I like dressin' up, but no, I’m not a ladyboy or anythin'.
- Let’s do a makeover.
- Really?
- -Okay!
- -[both giggle]
Aimee: [to Maeve] I know you don't like emotional s***, but I've been thinking about how you don't really have a proper mum, and I wanted you to know that even though my mum has money, she's also crap sometimes too. So I was thinking that maybe we could be each other's mums.
- Juliet thinks she's in love and then she dies. We get the gist.
- Next.
Colin: Ahh!
- Jackson!
- This is gonna be a train wreck.
Colin: Uh, please...
- Okay.
- I have no idea why they gave him the part.
- He's terrible.
- He's Jackson Marchetti.
- Who cares if he can't act?
- And I heard since he broke up with Maeve, he'll basically have sex with anyone.
- -Oh, he's not really my type.
- -No one's ever your type.
- -You're so picky, Florence.
- -[girl] Yeah.
- "There is a rainbow in every cloud," is it?
- -Okay...
- -Basically, it's all in the past.
- -Yeah.
- -And, um...
- -The two weeks of detention?
- -Still very much in your future.
- -Oh. Okay. Okay.
- -Mm. So...
- -I'll see you after school.
- -Okay... [chuckles]
Eric: Knowledge is power, power is status, and status means popular.
[exhales] I'm building a tree house.
- Okay. Why?
- It will be fun for our baby to play in.
- I made one for my daughters when they were kids, and they loved it.
- It's okay?
- Sure.
- -Cynthia and I had another fight.
- -Oh.
- I got a tattoo, I thought she'd like it.
- -I mean, it's nice, right?
- -Erm...
- Yeah. Yeah, it's uncanny.
- Hm. Bye, Jeffrey.
- -Yeah.
- -Yeah.
- He told everyone I'd given him a blow job and bitten his dick, and that was it.
- This kind of thing sticks.
- And it hurts, and no one deserves to be shamed, not even Ruby.
- I didn't know that.
- Whatever.
- Please just help me fix this.
- You don't want to let an opportunity like this pass you by.
- -I know.
- -Do you?
- That's the voice you use when you're not listening.
- -Mum. It's okay, all right? I know.
- -[sighs]
- You don't wanna live with regret, trust me.
- I'm gonna book you in with a dietitian first thing tomorrow morning.
- -Miss Sands. You--
- -I think the chairman would be very interested to know that your son won the essay prize by cheating, and that you knew about it.
- Maeve will be re-enrolled at school, and that's the end of it.
- -[screams]
- -[students clamoring]
- Do you want me to come inside with you?
- -Just in case--
- -I'm not inviting you in.
- -I'll text you if I die.
- -[chuckles]
- I'll keep my phone close.
- If you tell anyone about this,
- I'll kill you.
- I have a hatchet and I know a good place to hide a body, okay?
- That's so messed up.
- -Yeah.
- -Do you want me to talk to Hope about it?
- Thanks, but I can fight my own battles.
- -You're not head boy anymore, remember?
- -Oh shit. Yeah, I forgot.
Jackson: This is the first time
- I've felt calm in so long.
Cal: Yeah. It's quite nice, right?
- -[music stops]
- -[all gasp]
- Fuck!
- What?
- Hey, Hope.
- Hey, Otis. Is it true that you and Ruby are a thing now?
- No. No. Why did you say that?
- Everyone's talking about it.
- Sex King.
- ♪ S'Express ♪
- -Aimee.
- -Don't touch me, Steve.
- I don't like you touching me anymore.
- -But I'm your boyfriend.
- -I... I don't...
- I don't think I want a boyfriend.
- I'm sorry.
Jakob: See.
- Three more screws.
- The thing is, nice girls don't really talk about all that
- S-E-X stuff.
- You know, it's… it's just not really appropriate.
- I like writing stories.
- Well, maybe keep 'em to yourself.
- but a small dick and no girth will never please a woman.
- I've, uh, never measured.
[deep voice] Come back to me when you do.
- I'll need measurements for width, length, erect, and flaccid.
- That'll be 30 pounds, please.
- -But you haven't helped.
- -[deep voice] Half now, half later?
- I mean...
- -Yeah, I will. I'm good.
- -Yeah, you know, it's... it's all right... for men to cry.
- -I know.
- -Yeah.
[crying] Oh, God.
- -Yeah?
- -[echoing] Yeah.
- All right, let's go.
- You'll always be head boy, Marchetti.
[echoing] What the fuck?
- -[song ends]
- -[toilet water splashes]
- This door leads to another portal.
- You're in the library first period, right?
- Great. You can take these back for me.
- Oh, and by the way,
- I have some late fines.
- I'd like to be helpful.
- Give me some.
- Come on.
- ♪ I'll show you how to prove it ♪
- ♪ Yes, I will ♪
- ♪ But listen to me, baby ♪
- ♪ Oh, yes, ♪
- ♪ Hear what I got to say ♪
- Sex kid?
- And now, a request.
- This is for all the couples in the room.
- So, grab yourself a partner.
- But remember to get consent...
- Hah! No, seriously. Please do get consent.
- Oh, my God. I love this song.
- All right.
- So, look, maybe we could, um... go on a date sometime.
- You wanted to keep this a secret, now you wanna go on a date, do you?
- Yeah. Yeah, I do.
- Ask me again in a week.
- Oh, shit.
- Enjoy the poverty shuttle!
Viv: You guys are such clichés, except for you, Lily. You're genuinely weird.
Lily: Thanks.
Olivia: Brr...
- I'm gonna cum. I'm gonna cum.
- I am.
- Ah, ah...
- Okay, um, actually, just... please go.
- Okay.
- I'm really sorry, Otis.
- You've got to be kidding me.
- Uh...
- Wiley, get back here!
- Right. [chuckles]
- Toothbrush.
- -Okay.
- -[both laugh]
- Oh.
- -I think, then, I've got everything.
- -Great. I'll meet you outside.
Maureen: Okay.
- I've known you since you were nine years old, and you're never happier than when you're talking to people about their genitals.
- I thought you wanted to be involved for the status.
- I'm doing all right on my own.
- Talk... to... her.
- Do it.
- Mm.
- Do you like it when I touch you?
- Would you like it if I were to suddenly stop touching you forever?
- No.
- -Then you will keep your mouth shut.
- -Mm.
- Remember, five feet behind me at all times.
- It was Adam, miss.
- No. It wasn't, Dylan.
- I've covered for you before.
- You do this every time. Outside, now.
[students] Ooh!
- Everyone else, turn to page 25 of the workbook.
- Read from the top.
- Love starts here.
- -We must all learn to love ourselves...
- -[all] Amen!
- ...before we truly love others.
- Who are you to not love yourself?
[woman] Praise be!
- Aah!
- But I also think that it's good for you to try different types of relationships.
- There's a friend of mine at school.
- She was sexually assaulted last term and needs some help.
- I said I'd ask if you'd speak with her.
- It's fine if you can't.
- I'd be honored to speak with her.
- Thanks, Mum.
- I think it's because
- I put too much pressure on myself.
- So, you can't even wank then?
- No, I do. [laughs] I do.
- I just keep to the outside.
- For some reason, if I'm touching myself, then I'm okay.
- I have an idea.
- -Are you using again?
- -No, I am not.
- I swear on my life.
- I swear on your life, on Elsie's life.
- I'm clean.
- Please believe me.
- I believe you.
- Lie to me one more time, and you're out.
Otis: It's really common for people to create rich fantasy worlds to escape into. It's what most artists do. They are brave enough to show the weirdest, most vulnerable sides of themselves in their work. Which helps a lot of people not feel as alone.
Owen: You should maybe tell your girlfriend about your wanking problem. The truth will set you free.
Otis: I didn't ask to be therapized.
Owen: I didn't ask to be therapized either, to be fair.
- I love that you're not afraid to be yourself, Eric.
- Maybe one day I'll get there too, hm?
- -But it takes time.
- -[sniffles]
- I'm sorry for scaring you, Mum.
- I'll make you something to eat, hm?
- Oh, I'm sorry.
- Would you rather I told them that Mum's a junkie and that Dad fucked off?
- I don't think they would have enjoyed that story as much.
- We were born alone and we will die alone so we might as well get what we can along the way.
- You're welcome.
- Michael.
- Colin.
- I need somewhere to stay for a bit.
- Sure, man.
- I've been wanking all night.
- I ate four packets of crumpets and I think my clit might drop off.
- But I know exactly what I want.
- That's, er... excellent.
- I gotta go find Steve.
Oba: Yeah, man. Here now.
- Yeah, okay. Thank you. I'll be right back.
- You… What?
- -Yeah?
- -Yeah.
- Good lad.
- I think we should get drunk with your dad.
- Can you smell the wild garlic, Eric?
Eric: Yes, I can, Remi. Yes, I can!
Remi: Good lad!
- What happened?
- -Nothing.
- -Eric, talk to me.
- Nothing happened, Dad.
- I don't wanna talk about it.
- If you're going to live like this... you have to toughen up.
- I forgot to take my... my DVD out.
- It's my...
- -It's my porn.
- -A bit old school.
- You should get on Pornhub.
- There's loads of stuff on there.
- You could watch a CGI demon fuck a horse.
- -Hm.
- -I need to piss.
- Upstairs, on your right.
- Well, Otis, it's a vagina.
- It's not an exam.
- Actually, it's very complicated.
- -Okay.
- -I've been learning about something
- -called the clock technique.
- -Oh, my God.
- Otis,
- I think you might be overthinking this.
- She knows I'm a sex therapist now.
- I need to get this right.
Oba: Don't worry. You are getting there.
- -You're not ready. You're not ready!
- -I don't actually even know.
- -You're gonna dance up in here! [laughs]
- -[Eric] Ooh la la.
- Oh my gosh.
- How do you feel?
- Like I've come home.
Eric: Oya!
- Take me to my people, then.
- No. Uh, sorry... Uh...
- I don't need therapy. I...
- I just wanted Molly Bell to see me coming in here so she thinks I've had sex.
- Uh, you don't have to speak.
- Oh. Right.
- Okay.
- -♪ Sing me to sleep... ♪
- -[nurse] Maeve?
- Hi, Maeve. I'm Dr. Atwan.
- Hop up on the table.
- -Maeve, are you rightor left-handed?
- -Right-handed.
- You just get me.
- Like, we've both been through so much of the same shit.
- You understand me like nobody else does.
- I didn't wanna give that up.
- Well, I feel the same.
- I'm truly, truly sorry.
- and tell her I'm having my picture done because you said I had a nice face.
Isaac: I think she heard you.
- We'll be a bit longer, I think, while the light's good.
- Why don't you come get your passport once you're done?
- Isaac, tell Maeve I'll come get my passport once I'm done here.
- -Have you got that?
- -Yeah.
- I mean, it is a shame about the weather, and the human rights issues, but... actually, very good rockets.
- Those pancakes better have whipped cream on them.
- What do you take me for?
- An amateur?
- I'm gonna go.
Jean: Okay, Adam!
- -Nice to meet you!
- -Mum!
- Come and hang out again.
- Adam! Adam, wait. Wait.
- You and your mum are freaks.
[man] Why use your venom on me?
- -[woman] You killed my love.
- -[man] That's possible.
- I've killed a lot of people.
- Do I ever remind you of Dad?
- Sometimes.
- But just the good bits.
- I think I might just go home.
- Okay, okay. Well... call me when you get back home and let's hang out.
- It's your birthday.
- We have to do something.
- I'm sorry, and I'm gonna make it up to you, I promise.
- Okay, I'll speak to you in a bit.
- Okay, bye.
- to feel ashamed of their identities and bodies.
- The cycle continues today.
Jackson: But the world is changing, and young people have had enough.
- So if you agree that communication and empathy are better tools than silence and shame, then join us by asking your school for better.
- And I gave the correct information concerning that subject.
- -I... I didn't tell them to do anything--
- -You shouldn't have been talking to 15-year-olds about fetish at all.
- This is not what you were employed to do.
- And I made that very clear.
- -Yes, but my report--
- -Is no longer welcome on campus and nor are you.
- Ooh! Oh! [laughs]
- What about school?
- -You'll only be gone a week.
- -Okay--
- Remember, she doesn't know anything about Adam.
- -She's too frail for that.
- -[whispers] Okay.
- Hello, Grandma! How are you?
- What?
- -Don't you fucking touch me.
- -[music stops]
- -[Steve] Stay away from me!
- -[Adam] Come on!
- Stop it!
- -Are you all right?
- -Get off.
- I hate you!
- if Jackson had continued to make grand gestures to a girl who made it clear she wasn't interested.
- Do you understand, Liam?
- No means no.
- Unless it means yes.
- Okay, let's.... um... let's go through this again.
- Just gettin' a glass of water.
- Kegel exercises are really thirsty work.
- Oh! Your mum told us all about your big news.
- Congratulations.
- What news?
- Your ejaculation.
- Well done, you!
Tanya: When we're having sex, I feel like I've never seen a vagina before. But I have seen one, because I've got one, and I've looked at it a lot.
- Why are we at school?
- We're always at school.
- Where's Otis?
- Don't worry... he's with Maeve.
- You're safe.
- And it's like I'm the glue that's holding them together.
- It's a lot.
- When I'm with you, I just--
- It's the only time I don't feel my mind's going, like, a hundred miles an hour.
- I thought your family was perfect.
[sighs] Not so shiny, either, am I?
- Colander.
[sighs] Take your hand away.
- I don't think my story was dirty.
- Then why is everyone laughing at you?
- Read it.
- "I wrote dirty and disgusting words which have brought shame on my peers."
- No.
- I'm sorry. The controversy surrounding
- Moordale Secondary is too fresh.
- You're also far too experienced for this role.
- This is the fifth teaching position that I've applied for, and frankly, I'm running out of options.
- It's still a no.
- No biggie.
- Here you are.
- -Sean.
- -Hey, frog-face. Are ya havin' fun?
- -Whatever you're doing, please stop.
- -Why? Are you the police?
- I’m not kidding!
- Go hang out with your Head Boy and don't worry about me. All right?
- I don't want to work in that shop forever.
- Well, you haven't been fired yet.
- Wonders never cease.
- -Mm-hmm.
- -Let's see, shall we?
- Adam, you can go now.
- Adam! Get out!
[exhales] Shit. It's not very big, is it?
- Come on. Let's get you hard.
Dex: Yeah!
- Come on!
- For the love of God! Come on!
Dex: Come on!
- -[door opens]
- -[gasps]
Jean: [to Hope] Unfortunately, restraint doesn't mix very well with raging hormones.
- Shit.
- -[Anna] Thank you.
- -[Maeve] My pleasure.
- This is my fault.
- I should've told you what my mum is like.
- Maeve, this is not your fault.
- You're 17. You shouldn't have to deal with stuff like this anyway.
- It's too much.
- Oh yeah.
- Yeah?
- -[Maureen] Dinner's ready in five minutes!
- -Okay. Okay.
- So not tonight, but we're going to have sex, and I'm so excited!
- -[Adam shushes]
- -[Eric laughing]
- has probably ruined our chances of being together?
- Bitch, please.
- Pretty boys like me are definitely not your type, okay?
- Enjoy suspension, trumpet boy.
- What's my type?
- Still not your friend.
- You okay?
- Yeah.
- There was someone I liked a lot, but it didn't work out, so…
- That sounds shit.
- Shall we have ice cream, talk about it?
- Why do you keep asking me that?
- Well, I have noticed you're being meaner to me than usual.
- -Like you're annoyed with me.
- -What would I be annoyed about?
- I can't give you a lift tomorrow, so I'll just see you at school.
- -Okay?
- -Okay.
- Yeah, go on then, Eric.
- Show her your skills.
- Great. Great. No, I-I need props.
- -Mm-hm.
- -Yeah?
- -[laughs]
- -♪ Another day to find you ♪
- -Oh, this is gonna be funny.
- -It better be.
- This party is a total beige fest.
- -It's nice.
- -♪ Me and all my friends ♪
- -♪ We have to pretend ♪
- -The rumors about my family are true.
- Some of them, anyway.
- Mom's got addiction issues, and my dad pissed off before I can remember.
- So they weren't accountants, then?
- -I'm not a shiny person, Jackson.
- -[sighs]
- Right, knees touching.
- -You blinked.
- -Stop it.
- -[laughing]
- -Come on. Come on.
- -Knees to knees. Come on. You can do it.
- -Yeah.
Jean: Focus, focus, focus. All right.
- -[Jean exhales sharply]
- -Okay.
- Would you like to be my boyfriend?
- I asked you first.
- Yes. [laughs]
- I would like to be your boyfriend, Rahim.
- Shit, there are people.
- I don't care.
- I'm gonna get another drink.
- This one has sick in it.
- ♪ We can make each other happy ♪
- ♪ We can make each other happy ♪
- ♪ We can make each other happy ♪
- ♪ We can make each other happy ♪
- Arsehole.
- Did he tell you where he was goin'? Or...
- Said 'e was doin' some shoppin', but he had a big bag with him.
- Okay. Thanks, Cynthia.
- Jonathan.
- Come on, Jackson!
- And we can dance
- 'cause dancing isn't talking.
- Ah. Ah.
- You want some vodka? Ah-ha.
- You want some?
- Hey!
- ♪ Drop that ghetto blaster ♪
- She was really upset.
- Well, people deserve your whole heart, Otis.
- If you can't give them that, it's better they know.
- It's the kinder thing to do.
- Oh.
- And it rained, and we got lost.
- Dad fought a tent like it was a person.
- And the nightingale was a crow.
- Yeah.
- Remi...
- -Yeah, I'm almost there. I promise.
- -Aw.
- You better alacazam yourself here now because the bus is here.
- Get on. We got to get on it.
- Just hold the doors.
- Uh, could you just wait one second?
- -My friend--
- -That was one second.
- No! No!
Olivia: Yuck. Is that ham? We're vegan now, remember?
Aimee: Oh, right, yeah, I forgot.
Anwar: Have you been smoking again?
Aimee: No, I haven't.
Ruby: Good. Because smoking is definitely not vegan.
- Thanks. This woman bumped into me, and she didn't even say sorry.
- Oh, it's you.
- You have a bit of lipstick on your teeth.
- I've had a shit 24 hours.
- Yeah, I heard.
- Would you like some KitKat?
- You don't know anything about me!
- Stop fighting over a stupid boy!
- Aimes, why are you crying?
- Because I can't get on the bus.
Maeve: Oh, Aimes. It's okay.
- It's okay.
- Because I think you're an interesting person.
- I mean, you're terrifying… but interesting.
- Do you mean you want to be my boyfriend?
- Yeah, I guess so.
- I think I can probably make people think this jacket is cool.
- Still, uh... eat the soup.
- It's good for you.
- No one's ever made me soup before.
- It's just soup.
- Okay, back to work, then.
- Excuse me.
- Excuse me.
- ♪ Come with me now ♪
- ♪ Oh, Romeo, oh, Romeo ♪
- ♪ Oh, Romeo, I'm good to go ♪
- ♪ Oh, Romeo, oh, Romeo ♪
- Mr. Hendricks, what the hell is going on?
- Artistic expression, Mr. Groff.
- The students of Moordale Secondary would like to share some ideas on how we think listening to young people could make our new campus the safest place to study in the UK.
- We hope you enjoy.
- What the hell is going on?
- You're a smart boy.
- Why aren't you in school?
- I'm no good at school.
- Yes, well, you carry on like this, you're looking at employee of the month.
- Huh?
- I'm going to go to the movies tonight, so you can lock up for me.
- I'm going to go and get ready.
- Take it to your dorm.
- Come on.
- I've still got your, uh, hat.
- -We're not poofs or anything.
- -Yeah, I was thinking about my girlfriend.
- And I was thinking of your girlfriend, you know... with the big tits.
- I won't tell anyone.
- -Is he a friend?
- -Yeah, sort of.
- He's kind of dating Eric.
- They're so cute together, it's ridiculous.
- Anyway, it was nice to meet you, Adam.
- I'll see you on my next shift. Cheers.
- -[door opens then closes]
- -[bell chimes]
- What are you looking at?
- nice.
- Yeah?
- Okay, cool.
- You did tell her you don't drink, though, right?
- Mom.
- -Just chill out.
- -Come on.
- Eric...
- Effiong.
- I have something to say to you.
- Well, fucking say it already. Jesus!
- What do you want to say?
- I want to hold your hand.
- Do what you want.
- Okay? But... ask yourself... why have you really been hiding it?
- Why, Delilah? Don't! Don't hang up!
- -[thud]
- -Argh!
- -I've gotta go check on my dad.
- -Yeah, we'll talk later.
- Enjoy it, okay?
- En-joy-ment.
- -Here it is.
- -Thank you.
- Chin-chin.
- Ooh.
- Wow, wow, wow, wow, wow, wow, wow.
- I have to tell you something.
- -♪ Don't forget now to take your pills ♪
- -[moaning]
- I'm owning my narrative.
- -♪ Don't forget now to take your pills ♪
- -I'm owning my narrative!
- -[groans]
[splutters] No, Adam. Sorry, Adam.
- What are you doing?
- They… they were talking about me.
- But that doesn't mean you can hurt people, Adam.
- No, I… I can't do this again.
- What are you all looking at?
- And the students of Sex School are proud of the things people like to shame us for.
[Vivienne] Because if Lily Iglehart is a weirdo for writing short stories about aliens with penis hands, we're definitely weirdos too.
Aimee: I love my clitoris, and I feel no shame.
- Ladies, get your wank on!
- You'll always be in my life.
- But if you ever lie to me again,
- I will cut your ball sack off.
- Okay?
- Noted.
- See you at breakfast.
- All right?
Otis: You shouldn't ever give someone the power to humiliate you. You're great. Just the way you are.
- And even if you and I were able to work this out,
- I would still be worried that you'd regret not trying with Otis, and I can't do that.
- So with respect,
- I'm taking my heart off the table.
- Good luck finding your mum.
- Come on, Maureen, we're not 23 anymore.
- You should probably take that off.
- -♪ Oh, how it hurts ♪
- -♪ Oh, how it hurts ♪
- I'll be up soon.
- ♪ For me to be blue, yes, it does ♪
- Every orange is different, but you shouldn't be asking me, you should be asking your girlfriend.
- Tune into her orange.
- Yeah.
- Okay, we're done now.
- Thank you.
- Whatever you do, do not dress like you.
- My brother brought a girl home once.
- She wore a Nine Inch Nails T-shirt, and my mom thought she worshipped Satan.
- She did a massive shit in the toilet.
- My dad had to break it up with a stick.
- So don't do that, either,
- 'cause first impressions count.
- Good luck.
- So what emotions are coming up for you?
- That this is a stupid exercise, and I really wanna kiss you.
- Mm. Could have been a lot worse.
- She could have been stroking an actual penis.
- Oh, God. Yeah, I just think
- I'm gonna die now.
- Don't worry about it.
- Speaking as a long-term member of the Moordale Social Pariah Club, you'll survive.
- He's literally not.
- Well, well. Appears you were wrong.
- I've gotta go.
- See, Maeve and I still run a sex clinic together.
- And that's still weird.
- That's really, really weird.
- -[sighs]
- -♪ Sit back down ♪
- -Jesus.
- -♪ Walk right in ♪
- -♪ Sit back down ♪
- -Ugh.
- -♪ Baby, let your hair hang down ♪
- -Ugh.
- Morning, darling.
- -♪ Sit back down ♪
- -Do you want any tea?
- Will you save the crossword for me, please?
- And why would they do that?
- Does this... belong... to you?
Sergeant: Left, right, left, right, left, right, left!
- Left, right, left, right, left, right, left!
- Left, right, left, right, left, right, left!
- that brings relationships together and helps people to move forward, and...
- And you already know all that, don't you?
- Do you want to go home?
- Um...
- Actually, there's something I need to do.
- -But I'll be back. I'll be back later.
- -Okay. Yeah. Okay.
- Yeah, he is.
- But, um, just between you and me, he's, um... he's like, really inexperienced.
- He hasn't had sex or anything yet. He's a bit confused about all that stuff, so... don’t be surprised if he doesn’t seem keen.
- See you later.
- Will you read that out, please, Cal?
- "I am a slovenly troublemaker--"
- A little louder, please.
- "I am a slovenly troublemaker who doesn't care about my peers!"
- -This is fucked up!
- -Sit down, Jackson.
- Put the sign on, Cal.
- -Where?
- -Take me where you feel happy.
- Uh, but... Well, we haven't paid.
- Who cares?
- You cannot live in fear.
- -[waitress] Oi!
- -[Eric] Huh? Yes, yeah.
- This is for you, that is from me.
- -Not with me, her flesh and blood.
- -That's rude, Mum.
- Rude? I'll tell you what's rude.
- Calling the police on your own mother.
- That's rude.
- Okay. I think
- I'm gonna come back another day.
- Yeah, you do that.
- Nobody wants you here. Bye-bye. Bye.
- -I love you so much! [kisses]
- -[door opens, closes]
- Hi.
- I know I'm bad at fingering.
- I was really busy trying to get it right, and I wasn't listening to you.
- We don't ever have to do it again.
- Or...
- I could show you what I like?
- Do you mean 9½ Weeks?
- I do.
- Ugly.
- Really ugly.
- The ugliest.
- That. I quite like that one.
- all my cells are fizzy and alive, and everything feels hopeful.
- I just wish that I could take back what I did because…
- I'm afraid I'm not gonna have you in my life anymore.
- then you would be in a queer relationship.
- Is that okay with you?
- Yeah.
- Yeah, I haven't, like, got a problem with that…
- Hm.
- …at all.
Eric: [about Maeve] I heard she bit Simon Furthassle on the scrote, and now it's all wonky. Like a discount avocado.
- Closer!
- Put your arm round him, love.
- Go on. Give him a proper hug!
- Just take the photo!
- Hold on.
- Christ!
- Just take the bloody photo, Maureen.
- It's free if you'd like it.
- Elsie loves having you here.
- I'd really like that.
- -Do I have to keep that shit on the wall?
- -[Anna laughs]
- No. You can have whatever you want on the walls.
- Okay, good. [chuckles]
- So, let's fix up, tidy up our uniforms, and get our general shit together.
- Yeah?
- Cheers.
- Lights, please, Terry.
- It was fun.
- Take me back, Maureen.
- We've talked about this.
- What's she been telling you about me?
- Nothing I didn't already know.
- Good night, Michael.
- ♪ Oh-oh-oh, I don't want anybody else ♪
- ♪ When I think about you, I touch myself ♪
- -Ah! Mum!
- -Otis!
- Oh, I'm sorry! Ah!
- -What?
- -Fuck! Stop!
- I forgot my wallet.
Jakob: You don't leave when someone is sick.
- -[dog barks]
- -[scanner beeps]
- -Ah.
- -[dog barks]
- Jessie's a rescue.
- -She's not trained, so don't let her out.
- -[dog whimpers]
- She'll just run off.
- Okay. You show me now.
Ola: What are you doing here?
Adam: I didn't want to go home. Why'd you throw your shoe at me?
- But my mother didn't always approve of your father. It's been easier to lie!
- Do you wish you married that Emeka guy instead of Dad?
- No! That man is so vain!
- We were never the right fit.
- Not like your father.
- What do you mean?
- Being with your dad,
- I always felt at peace.
- Now.
- Wow.
- -Yeah.
- -Oh.
- You know you don't need my help for the clinic, right? It's your gift.
- Yeah, and what about us?
- We'll see where we're at when I'm back.
Otis: What do you get someone who's having an abortion?
Pro: Sunscreen. They'll need it in hell.
- Hello, Jean speaking.
[Mr. Groff] Hello, Miss Milburn.
- I need you to come into the school at 4:00 p.m. today.
- There's been an incident.
- -Can you tell me what it's concerning?
- -Just be here at 4:00 p.m.
- I'll be there.
Isaac: What's she doing there? Joe, have a look, would you? I can't see.
Joe: [Goes to look at Maeve's mum out the window] I don't know, she's watching TV.
Isaac: I knew she was up to something.
Joe: Oh, yeah. Quick, call the police, our neighbours watching Bargain Hunt!
- Head Boys notoriously peak too early.
- I'd watch out, if I were you.
- Oh, yeah?
Adam: I said, nice rack, Wiley.
- -Say that again.
- -Nice... ra--
- -[grunts]
- -[groans]
- You did kind of deserve that, man.
- -I'm not sure.
- -Hm?
- -I just wanna feel a dick in my vagina.
- -Mm-hm.
- Lily, it's time for you to go home.
- Um...
- Thank you for having me.
- See you at school, Eric.
- ♪ At the Starbucks they built
- Inside my heart ♪
- ♪ When your makeup starts to run
- You can see you're getting older ♪
- ♪ You can see your life has been hard ♪
- ♪ Your face is worn
- Like an old playing card ♪
- ♪ The Queen of Hearts ♪
- ♪ The Queen of Hearts ♪
- Remember, she thinks your parents are Indian.
- Hi, Mrs. Hanan, it's nice to meet you.
- Keep an eye on her little finger.
Olivia: Mum!
- -[Olivia laughing]
- -[door closes]
- -[bed springs creaking]
- -[both laughing]
- Oh, she went into labor.
- I'm just picking up some stuff for her.
- Oh my God! Maureen, babes, this is huge!
- Oh yeah,
- Mum couldn't look after Goat today.
- -Can I use the bathroom?
- -Yeah, sure.
- I'm dying for a poo. I'm so anxious,
- I think it's gonna be a sloppy one.
- Oh.
- -I've got a date. I can't.
- -I'm busy too.
- I just want them to get along.
- I know. They will, eventually.
- Smoothie?
- Yeah?
- -Mm-hmm.
- -Cool.
- I understand that.
- It's all right.
Ola: Hey, you ready for school?
- Yep. I guess.
- Thank you. You have a good day now.
- -See you, Dad.
- -Bye-bye.
- You're looking well.
- Oh, this?
- Funny story.
- You impregnated me.
- Surprise!
- Oh shit.
- Come on.
- I'll up your cut, 55 percent.
- -Seventy.
- -Sixty.
- Deal.
- -This is entirely about the money.
- -Yeah.
- It's good to be back in business.
- Sorry, who's the dickhead?
- -My brother.
- -What?
- Oh... Sis, did you not tell
- Action Man about me?
- -Where the fuck have you been?
- -Houston. Texas.
- -[sighs]
- -Training to be an astronaut.
- I've lost my keys.
- And I'm tired of it.
- It's not my fault Dad left.
- You're going to be late.
- Are you still coming to see Eric's play tonight?
- I'm not exactly welcome on campus at the minute.
- You shouldn't let them bully you.
- I've just seen Carl Mason use your car as a skate ramp.
- Oh, for fuck's sake.
Adam: [about his dog Madam] She's like the Kim Kardashian of tiny dogs.
- I think I'm ready.
- Are you sure?
- Yeah, I am.
- But if you're not ready...
- No, I'm ready.
- Let's go all the way.
- I couldn't decide which of your favorite meals to make, so I made them all.
- Well, Joe did, but, um…
- I'm really trying here.
- I can see that.
- Come on, it's not-it won't take long.
- I've gotta be somewhere, too.
- -Why are you being weird?
- -Not. I'm not being weird.
- -Yes, you are.
- -Well, why are you helping Ruby, anyway?
- It's money.
- -Please?
- -Uh...
- Okay. Who did she send it to?
- She's gonna get us disqualified.
- Look how smug Let's Get Quizzy are.
- Makes me sick.
- I'm writing it because Eric likes it.
- What about you? What do you like?
- I… I, um, I like… dogs.
- I'm a cat person.
- Of course you are.
- -Oops.
- -What?
- -I left the keys inside.
- -[gasps] Oh fuck!
- What?
- Goat.
- There she is.
- -[laughter on TV]
- -I'm going to the dance.
- Uh... Wait...
- I'll drive you.
- Uh, no. We… we had a fight.
- Oh.
- Sorry to hear that.
- I really wish you'd told me about this.
- People like to be asked to go to things.
- Makes them feel like you care.
- I will ask next time.
- Well, that was unusual.
- See you around, Otis.
- -["Everything's Gonna Be Alright" plays]
- -♪ Oh, yeah ♪
- -[man on TV] Ooh. A woman, right? Huh!
- -♪ Ooh, yeah ♪
[man on TV] Fallen in love with somebody who's got the vote this time.
- -[canned laughter]
- -How old is she? 20?
- -[second man on TV] No, she's about 30.
- -♪ Everything ♪
- -[dog yapping]
- -[man shouting on TV]
- -It's all thanks to you, man.
- -You know what, Jackson?
- -I--
- -Ah, that's her!
- -I didn't--
- -Gotta go. Thank you.
- -Wait.
- -Yeah?
- -Okay.
- -[phone buzzing]
- -Yo!
- -[sighs]
Rahim: As if you were on fire from within, the moon lives in the lining of your skin.
Eric: Pardon?
Rahim: It's about finding beauty in the world.
Eric: Ohhh.
Rahim: It's a poem - by Pablo Neruda.
Eric: Ohh. I don't know her.
Mr. Groff: Thank you, Eric, for that rendition of the school anthem. It was... adequate.
[girl] Oh, my God, it's Ruby.
[girl] That girl's outfit.
Otis: Love isn't about grand gestures, or the moon and the stars. It's just dumb luck. And sometimes, you meet someone who feels the same way. And then, sometimes, you're unlucky. But one day, you're gonna meet someone who appreciates you for who you are. I mean, there's seven billion people on the planet. I know one of them is gonna climb up on a moon for you.
- There's a first for everything.
- I do really like you.
- I really like you too.
- I'm sorry that this isn't gonna work out.
- Could sixth formers make their way to the common room, please?
- It'll be too late tomorrow, okay?
Jackson: Coming up on my right.
- I was so close, but I just clipped it.
- I think I pulled my shoulder, but it was worth it.
- We're so proud of you. Heh.
- -I hope Maeve hasn't got lost.
- -Oh, yeah. I'll go check on her.
- Maeve?
- Go, go, go, go, go!
- Wait, that's my vagina!
- Calmly, sir, please?
- They have vaginas on their heads!
- Whoo!
- -[moaning]
- -[woman in video moaning]
- I didn't think I cared about things, but I do.
Cal: Hm.
- You made me realize that I do.
- Okay.
- -We'll make her listen.
- -Yes!
- I can see you.
- Hi, Frogface. It's me, Mum.
- Yes, I know who you are. What do you want?
- Look, about what... what happened--
- I'm over it.
- -[door opens]
- -[Mr. Groff] Maeve.
- You're first.
- It's a very good part.
- -Thanks, man.
- -Mm-hmm.
- -I've gotta go, actually.
- -Where?
- Oh my God! That clitoris is gorgeous!
- -Shall we get out of here?
- -Yeah.
- -Mm-mm-mm.
- -There he is.
- You used to care a lot.
- Things are easier when you don't care.
- Nobody gets hurt.
- Yeah.
- Anyway, thanks, Otis. Gotta go.
- We're going to hang at yours.
- Kiss me harder.
- What's wrong?
- Where's Otis?
- I think I might have killed him.
- Uh...
- -What you doing?
- -[man panting]
- He's wanking on me!
- Can I get off the bus, please?
- -[woman] Watch it with the cake.
- -Sorry.
- -Can I get off the bus, please?
- -[driver] You all right, love?
- Yeah, I just need to get off the bus, please.
- Um...
- When we come out, you won't shout at my friend, will you?
- Um...
- Probably will.
- Yeah, I thought so.
- Please don't tell Dad
- I didn't win a proper prize.
- Okay.
- Why?
- He would just be disappointed.
- If that's what you wanna call it.
- Bye, Otis.
- Maeve?
- Yeah?
- It's called a mustache.
- Yeah, no shit.
- I just wish you wouldn't get jealous.
- I chose you.
- I, uh…
- I don't want us to have space…
- 'cause I love you.
- I love you too.
- You are good at sex, Otis, but that doesn't mean
- I want to be seen in public with you.
- Well, I don't wanna be seen in public with someone who is mean and uses people for their good sex skills!
- I have more self-respect than that.
- We're done.
Sarah: Don't worry, love. I got three kids, and I feel way more guilty about the ones that I had than the ones I chose not to. It's better not being a mum at all than being a bad one.
- You want to wait until they're men.
- They've got a bit of something about 'em.
- That's good advice, Mum.
- -Don't put your boots on the sofa.
- -All right.
- ♪ But I'm really not feeling
- Like talking ♪
- Now, where was I?
- Well, I'm not gonna keep it secret anymore.
- Maeve Wiley... this is for you.
- I think he's gonna...
- -[feedback whines]
- -...sing.
- No. No! No, no, no, no, no!
- You're a poofter now, Groff?
- Yeah, I am a bit of a poofter now.
- Is that all right with you?
- Yeah, mate. I think it's cool.
- Yeah, congrats, dude.
- You don't need to congratulate someone on being gay.
- Run your own race, and when you meet the right person,
- I'm sure you'll be ready.
- You're worried these concerns might affect your performance.
- I'm the best actor in this school.
- I'm basically Meryl Streep but young... and Scottish.
- Oh my God!
- -The fuck is that?
- -[both scream]
- -[Eric] Adam, you fucking idiot!
- -[Otis] Fuck!
- Whoo! Ha ha!
- All right, New Kid?
- What is that on your face?
- Just kidding. I'm here to see your mum.
- Sorry.
[doctor] Jackson.
- You have a metacarpal fracture.
- You'll be in a cast for about six weeks.
- No swimming for the foreseeable future. Sorry.
- -Can I get someone to sign some forms?
- -Yeah.
- I'm seeing someone new.
- Right. Good.
- -[chuckles]
- -[Michael] Sorry. Uh…
- Well, congratulations.
- Thank you. [chuckles]
- Yeah.
- Did you know that whales only have sex for 35 seconds?
- Which is odd, actually, because their penises are seven feet long.
- I reckon you could drown in their come.
[gasps] Fascinating.
- So, exactly how slow are we talkin'?
- ‘Cause I’m good to go.
- so you better get that application in as soon as you can.
- Okay.
- I will.
- -Thank you.
- -Yep.
- And I mean it about the hair.
- Thank you. Hope will see you now.
[in English] Everyone thinks
- I'm an idiot anyway. I wanna go home.
- I thought you hated me.
- No.
- I don't hate you.
- But I'm not touching your poo, mate. So…
Student: I fucked a warm melon, and now it stings when I pee.
- -Your face. What's going on?
- -Hope's gone.
- -Huh?
- -Yeah.
- Is someone gonna take over?
- Maybe you should apply, sir.
- No, I'm serious. Mm.
- Yeah.
- if you haven't been touched in a long time, are you still going to feel anything?
- I can assure you, vaginal pleasure does not diminish with age or lack of contact.
- In fact, there are many ways that we--
[whispers] One moment, please.
- Let's Get Quizzy, it's yours for the taking.
- Canada?
- Incorrect. The answer is China.
- -The Moordale Quiz Heads have won it...
- -[exhales]
- ...by a hair with 68 points.
- Whoo!
- Pretend I didn't say that.
- I'd also still be into you if you weren't beautiful--
- Not that I don't find you beautiful.
- I do think men can be beautiful.
- -Like a beautiful soul. Know what I mean?
- -Jackson. [chuckles]
- Don't worry about it. [chuckles]
- -Okay.
- -Mm.
- Idiot.
- -Oh!
- -[laughter]
- Don't let anyone take that away from you.
- So everyone's wrong, and I'm basically... awesome.
- Be proud of your penis and your heritage.
- 'Cause neither are going anywhere.
- You should work with what you've got.
Otis: What I'm saying is, before you talk to Steve, you... you should probably figure out, you know, what works for you... and your body.
Aimee: So you're prescribing a wank?
Otis: ...Yeah.
- I'm going to my room, because I'm angry and I need some space.
- -Okay.
- -[stomping]
- We'll talk about it when you're ready.
- -[rock music plays]
- -[Jean] Darling! It's too loud!
Jean: Otis!
- Turn it down!
- -You did so good.
- -[breathes deeply]
- -I feel strange.
- -What?
- Something's wrong.
- What? Something's wrong.
- What's happening here? What's happening?
- Can you please step outside?
- Yeah.
- I'll go and get dressed.
- ♪ I'm sorry, but I'm just thinking
- Of the right words to say ♪
- ♪ I know they don't sound the way
- I planned them to be ♪
- ♪ But if you wait around awhile
- I'll make you fall for me ♪
- ♪ I promise, I promise you I will ♪
- Sorry, Cynthia, I'll turn it down.
- And also...
- I wish I was a charity, love.
- Look, I said I'll have the money by Monday, all right?
- You all right?
- Let's hope you're not pregnant.
- You're five minutes past curfew.
Adam: Sorry, Dad.
- -Lost track of time.
- -Don't let it happen again.
- You know the rules.
- Your fees have been paid.
- By who?
- It was an anonymous payment.
- Okay.
- I'm serious about the hair.
- Change it immediately.
- -And truth.
- -[murmuring]
- -No, no, no.
- -That's what we need! Right there.
- Whoo!
- Yes... Thank you.
- You are very sexy when you're passionate.
- Yes, fine.
- -Squeeze my nipples.
- -[chuckles]
- Like that?
- -[loud orchestral music starts]
- -That-Wow.
- My fantasy Friday playlist. [chuckles]
- -[sighs]
- -[turns music off]
- -["Let's Do It" by Tone Loc plays]
- -♪ Let's do it ♪
- Maybe you should still go to the Eighth thing later, love.
- I mean, you never know.
- I think it's time
- I outgrew the alien thing.
- But thanks.
- Can you throw that stuff out for me?
- I don't need it anymore.
Maeve: All of our brains are slowly dying. You're not unique.
- Can you do my nails for me, please?
- I haven't got all night, though, so...
- -How are you?
- -Great. Yeah.
- -Great.
- -Cool.
- Hey!
- -Watch where you're goin'.
- -Sorry.
- I told him to bring a cheese board.
- -[Otis] Hi, Debbie. Hi.
- -You all right?
Otis: Oh, yeah. Okay, um...
- Oh, um...
- Excuse me, um...
- What? Oh, God!
- -Oh! My balls! You're on my balls!
- -Oh! Sorry! Sorry! Sorry!
- -Right, I'm gettin' the light.
- -No, don't!
- -[girl yells]
- -[boy groans]
- -[girl sobbing] Oh, my neck.
- -Oh!
- -Oh!
- -What the fuck?
- You dirty bastard.
- -♪ For a while, we had no fear ♪
- -♪ Yeah! ♪
- -♪ You can't pin her down ♪
- -You all right, mate?
- -♪ You can't define her ♪
- -Hey, man.
- -Not goin' well, is it?
- -♪ Ooh, la, ooh ♪
- Come on, let's go get you some punch.
- -♪ Ooh, la, ooh ♪
- -Are you havin' a good time?
- Can't be sure.
- Could you let her know that I was here?
- And... tell her to check her messages.
- Will do.
- Okay. Thanks.
- that I simply am dying to attend, so, uh...
[chuckles] You can go!
- Get out of here! [laughs]
[chuckles] Eh...
[laughing] Okay. Thank you, sir.
- Okay!
- -I listen all the time.
- -No!
- -You don't listen to me!
- -I've had enough, Kate--
- -[buzzing]
- -[sighs]
- -Hello?
- -Aimee, it's-it's Adam.
- -Ugh! What do you want?
- -We need to talk.
- You're not invited. Fuck off.
- Why are they singing in elf language?
- I think it's Latin.
- -Well, what does it mean?
- -"Not for oneself, but for all."
- Not many people have ideas.
- You're an original thinker.
- I don't need the inspirational speech, thanks.
- I want you to think about applying for the Moordale Aptitude Scheme.
- It could help you get a university scholarship.
- Just think about it and let me know.
- Uh, no.
- Of course I already douched.
- 'Cause I like to be clean.
- Speaking of clean, I...
- I'm gonna go wash my hands.
- 'Cause that's how clean I am.
- You better get to class.
- Yeah.
- Okay.
- Have you gone goth, cockbiter?
- I think you're lost.
- Pretzel Parlor's back at the mall.
- Yeah.
- Oh.
- Sweet baby girl, you've had a tough time of it.
- I don't cook.
- It comes in a packet, dude.
- We'll cook it. You just gotta eat it.
- Okay? We're on.
- We're on like Donkey Kong.
- Cool.
- Cheers!
- you'll be late for work tomorrow and I'm gonna get you fired, completely ruin your life.
- Wait that's not... Is that right?
- Um...
- Uh... this isn't working.
- Isn't it?
- You know what I said before...
- Like, the whole, like, "I love you" thing.
- I was seriously wasted.
- So I don't expect you to, like... say it back or anything, you know?
- Okay.
Maureen: It's just so lonely sometimes with all these men.
- Never mind.
- Shame the scissoring thing didn't work.
- I'm so skint right now.
- Uh...
- -What's that?
- -It's your cut. I treated someone.
- You're a fucking gem, Otis.
- I gave them an impossible assignment about female solidarity,
- -they won't finish for ages.
- -You're so evil.
- Say it again.
- You're so evil.
- Mmm.
- -[panting]
- -[bagpipes wheeze]
- Maybe I should just leave.
- You obviously don't want me here.
- Oh, right, so the babies aren't that important then?
- Okay. I think I am gonna go to the shops.
- -Stretch my legs.
- -I'll come with you.
- Okay, well, how about we all go to the shops together?
- -I'm not going with him.
- -Whatever.
- Yes. You're our head girl.
- And having a strong, smart, young woman of color leading the way shows how progressive we are as a school.
- So it's about how it looks.
- Of course it is.
- Here's the video and the slides for you to prepare with.
- Oh my God.
- -Why am I wearing this horrible dress?
- -Mum. Mum, just… just rest.
- -Just lie… just lie down.
- -[gasps] Someone's taken my knickers.
- -Has he taken my knickers?
- -[Jakob] No.
- -Um…
- -Did he take them?
- Darling, I think he took my knickers.
- -[toilet flushing]
- -Hmm.
- Quite specific.
- Babe, you're gonna ruin my makeup.
- I will ruin you.
- Can you turn around, please?
- I would love to put my dick in you.
- I just feel like I fucked up.
- Should we just stop?
- Um, yeah. I mean, you seem tense, and now I'm tense too.
- Yeah.
- -We can try again another time.
- -Yeah.
- Yeah.
- Gormenghast and Titus Alone?
- -Come on, I bet you know this one.
- -Yeah, it's Mervyn Peake.
- -Mervyn Peake.
- -Yeah.
- I think we'd all appreciate a bit of quiet right now, thanks.
- ...called Berlin Game and Mexico Set.
- What city is in the title of the third book, Match...
- -Hey, why's these lines on the floors?
- -Think we're supposed to walk single file.
- -[Eric] Really?
- -Mm-hmm.
- Adam! You know you can ring the doorbell now. We go out!
- Yeah, but I can't stay, I can't stay, so can you come down?
- Okay. Come to the front door.
- But I don't think I'm an artist.
- I wouldn't be so sure.
- And even if you do decide to not write about aliens anymore, you shouldn't ever give someone the power to humiliate you.
- You're great.
- Just the way you are.
- Eric's got a girlfriend!
- A girlfriend.
- Hey.
- It'll be all right.
- I promise.
- Just take my bloody hand.
- -Adam.
- -Hm?
- I think you should go before my parents see you stayed the night.
- we're getting a divorce.
[sighs] This is all so confusing.
- Maybe you could come over to the flat later, and I'll cook.
- We can talk through everything then.
- Okay.
- Okay.
- Fine.
- I think you owe Otis an apology.
- Sorry for sending the video around, but your mum... really got in my head, new kid.
- She's like some kind of... sexy witch.
- Um...
- -Do I have to look at her?
- -[Maeve] No.
- Think of it like confession.
- What are you waitin' for?
- -No.
- -Sorry! Sorry.
[whispers] Right...
- that you're not that special…
- -…navel-gazing…
- -…doesn't care about your supposed issues…
- I've had quite enough of this navel-gazing, identity-obsessed hysteria for one day.
- …hysteria for one day.
- The quicker you and your fragile, petty little peers realize…
- -♪ Baby ♪
- -♪ Baby ♪
- Will you please be my girlfriend?
- You dickhead.
- -♪ Come on ♪
- -[cheering]
- Well, I can't feel anything below my level of injury.
- Um…
- If you put your hand on my chest,
- I'll show you.
- -Okay.
- -I'll tell you when.
- There you are.
Eric: Lose the tie. You look like a Mormon.
- -♪ Girl, I don't dance, I work ♪
- -♪ Work ♪
- -♪ I don't play, I slay ♪
- -♪ Slay ♪
- -♪ I don't walk, I strut ♪
- -♪ Strut ♪
- ♪ I wanna go down to the essence
- Down to the essence ♪
- Oh, I see.
- -Yeah.
- -Yeah?
- -Yeah.
- -All good?
- -Thank you.
- -Perfect.
- Oh, you're a twat.
- You're a bitch!
- Yeah, I am.
- ♪ Walking on the beaches
- Looking at the peaches ♪
- Mmm.
- Come on then.
- That's it.
- You're funny.
Erin: Ooh!
- -Say bye-bye.
- -Bye-bye.
Erin: Bye-bye.
[sighs] All right, 007, enough.
- God.
- -Hello. Nice to meet you.
- -And you.
- We were thinking, I don't know…
- Shit!
- -Hey, that's amazing!
- -Thank you.
- Try to enjoy it.
- Otherwise, I will have to tell a joke.
- Please don't.
- -Knock, knock--
- -No. Okay, I'm going to school.
- I'll see you later.
- Now we're equal.
- Well, where do you like to be touched?
- Above the waist.
- I'm quite into my ears being touched.
- -Please may I touch your ears?
- -[both chuckle]
- Yeah.
- -Anyone got a tissue?
- -[woman] Yeah.
- -Yeah, no, I'm okay. I'm okay.
- -Here you go, babes. You sure?
- Yeah. Uh, I just-I just need to use somebody's phone.
- I've-I've had all my stuff stolen, and I just need to go home.
- -Yeah. Thank you.
- -Oh. Here you go, mate.
- Thanks. I'm okay. I'm okay. I'm good.
- ♪ Always knew it was my natural right ♪
- ♪ And I ♪
- ♪ All I wanted ♪
- -[crying]
- -♪ Was a world of love and care ♪
- ♪ I, all I wanted was care ♪
- Enter.
Otis: You need to own your narrative, not let it control you.
- Great party, Mrs. Milburn.
- Where's Otis?
- Pfft.
- ♪ I can change, I can change
- I can change, I can change ♪
- ♪ I can change, I can change
- I can change ♪
- ♪ If it helps you fall in love ♪
- ♪ I can change, I can change
- I can change, I can change ♪
- ♪ I can change, I can change
- I can change ♪
- ♪ If it helps you feel real love ♪
- You got this.
- ♪ What is love? ♪
- Ah!
- -You see, you're basically Beyoncé.
- -Woo!
- -That was fun.
- -No, you smashed it.
- Honestly, you smashed it, Rahim, watch--
- and go to America.
- Or buy yourself something pretty for your new room.
- Now, I don't wanna hear any more about it.
- -[cries]
- -[Erin] Oh.
- -[Erin] I gotta go.
- -[patting Maeve's back]
- Um, yeah, can you get him to give me a call?
- We need to arrange a time for him to come and get his things.
- You were right after all, Jean.
- -I couldn't change him either.
- -[exhales]
- Yes.
- I'll give him the message.
- Is she staying?
- I don't take bribes.
- I suggest you forget about Maeve Wiley.
- Hm?
- There he is! Jackson! Well done, Jack!
- -Well done!
- -Darling!
- -Well done.
- -Well done.
- piece of fucking shit!
- Pop-up, my arse!
- Why don't we get a hotel?
- No, we're not getting a fucking hotel.
- Hey, two rooms, please...
- Janine.
- You can't engineer a relationship.
- You have to do what's right.
- I still think it’s weird a teenage boy is a sex therapist.
- C'est la vie.
Jackson: This is an urgent announcement from your Head Boy.
- Will all sixth formers please head to the canteen now?
- -Yes! Yes!
- -[laughs]
- Well done!
- Yes, sir!
- Power! [laughs]
- Look at the time.
- Whoo!
- -to hiding things about me again.
- -I'm scared.
- And I think I'm bisexual.
- Are you all right?
- You can't even hold my hand.
- -Rahim can hold my hand.
- -I feel like everyone hates me.
- Well, it's kind of hard to like someone who doesn't like themselves.
- Hey, I'm sorry about your hand.
- -At least you don't have to swim anymore.
- -What are you talking about?
- -You said you didn't want to swim.
- -Listen, Maeve, you're not my girlfriend anymore, all right?
- So you don't need to pretend that you care.
- Whatever it is you thought I said, you're wrong.
- Hi, sorry. Could you... could you sign my book?
- -Yeah.
- -[man] Oh, great. Thanks.
- -What's your name?
- -Pete.
- Pete. Hi, Pete.
- -Here you go.
- -Thank you. Big fan.
Remi: Man up.
- Mm.
- Hm.
- ♪ The prettiest girls in the neighborhood
- We showed 'em we got to have fun ♪
- ♪ Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey ♪
- ♪ We're havin' a party
- A party, party, party, party, party ♪
- ♪ Gonna dance and play
- Dance and play ♪
- ♪ We're havin' a party
- Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah ♪
- ♪ While the folks are away ♪
- -We are so happy to meet you.
- -Me too.
- Yes.
- I brought some wine.
- -Jackson doesn't drink.
- -Mom.
- That's so thoughtful of you.
- -We'll have some, won't we?
- -Yep.
- Yeah, of course. I hope she's okay.
- You know, people think you're mean, but you're actually so sweet.
- Okay, thanks. All right, see you, bye.
- ♪ Whoaoh-ah-ah-ah-ah-ah ♪
- ♪ Whoa! Whoa! Hoa! Hoa! Hoa ! Hoa! ♪
- All right, show’s over. Go on.
- Go on, you too.
- Are you religious or something?
[scoffs] No, um,
- I used to swim.
- I couldn't do that kind of stuff, so I haven't tried it.
- That's okay. You do you.
- All right, let me try some.
- All right?
- Besides, didn't Jesus say something about forgiveness?
- Yeah, it's pretty much his whole thing.
- What do you get someone who's having an abortion?
- Sunscreen.
- They'll need it in Hell.
- Thank you.
- -[door opens]
- -What an odd little man.
- Good form, man.
[boy] Yes. Nice.
- Let's go.
- Nice.
- Can you tell me about your mother?
- She was quiet.
- And gentle.
- And she loved to cook.
- And she always smelled rather lovely… of shampoo.
- have let an innocent child like Milburn be turned into a drug mule.
- Otis didn't do anything.
- Leave him out of it.
- What are you doing?
- I'm reporting your brother to the police.
- Wait.
- They're mine.
- Lucky me, huh?
- I'm joking. This is actually gonna be incredibly awkward.
- You'll be working in pairs.
- You'll need worksheets, two prophylactics, and a plastic cock and balls.
- -♪ He turned my mourning into dancing ♪
- -Eric! How are you?
- Look at you!
- It's good to see you in church.
- -♪ He turned my sorrows into joy ♪
- -Come here.
- You are welcome here any time.
- This is your family.
- That's right.
- Thank you.
- You are a strange woman.
- Goodbye, then.
- Just put those in there.
- Thank you. Goodbye, Jean.
- Bye, Mr. Builder.
- Might be a tricky one.
- Ah...
- I'm so sorry.
- I'm sorry, I'm coming down with something.
- Nothing serious, though.
- Do you want to come in and we can get started?
- -I'm just gonna grab my--
- -Follow me.
Aimee: Last week, I got chased by a fox, and Kyle threw a shoe at it. It was so romantic.
- -So are you selling pretzels permanently?
- -Nope, I'm still at school.
- -I'm not going to be a drop-out like you.
- -Well, that makes sense.
- You could recite the alphabet when you were about one.
- It was quite freaky.
- I will tell him about you and Sean,
- I promise.
- Your promises don't mean shit anymore, Erin.
- She's out of surgery.
- -Oh, thank goodness.
- -Yeah.
- I'll pop in when she's feeling stronger, but if there's anything else I can do, anything, just ask.
[sighs] Thank you.
- See you.
- Otis, uh, shouldn't you be in school?
- Yeah, I was, um... I was hoping we could talk about something.
- Yeah, of course.
- Just take a seat for half an hour. Yeah.
- -Could I grab a photograph, Dr. Milburn?
- -Yes. Of course.
- -[girl] Brilliant, thank you.
- -[Remi] Thank you.
[man 2] Hi, Remi. That was fantastic.
- Good job. Thank you very much.
- Even though we didn't actually have sex, we just kissed.
- -I just can't stop thinking about it.
- -Dreams aren't real.
- That's why they're called dreams.
- Do you think it means something if I'm having sex dreams about girls?
- I don't know.
- Go and ask Google like everyone else.
- Ah!
- -Get it.
- -[grunts]
- That's a good effort, Michaela!
- Quick shower, then, uh, Quorn Bolognese.
- Fucking love Quorn!
- Oh God.
- I don't get it.
- You're not meant to. It's surreal.
- I'm really glad we're okay now.
- What's that noise?
- It's my heart. [chuckles]
- Can I kiss you?
- And a special mention tonight goes to Adam Groff and Madam for one of the best debut performances we've seen in a long time.
- Give 'em a round of applause.
Lily: Black Jesus is much sexier than White Jesus
Otis: I might have a mild to moderate crush on Maeve.
Eric: Yeah, no shit. What gave it away?
Otis: She, uh... she touched my eyebrows, and now I have an erection.
- -Actually?
- -How sick is that?
- -Yes! We kissed!
- -Oh, Eric.
- Can I walk you to lunch?
- Yes. Yes.
- -Yeah.
- -Okay.
- Hmm.
- facing the end on her own seemed only fitting.
- But then Glenoxi saw Starlanza for the first time.
- As the water hit her lips,
- Glenoxi knew that this was her soulmate.
- The only creature in the whole universe who would understand and accept her completely.
- And she was overwhelmed that Starlanza felt the same.
- I think your cishet brain maybe exploded a bit.
- You didn't have to run away.
- -I freaked out.
- -Mm-hmm.
- I have a free period later if you wanna talk about it.
- -Yes.
- -[chuckles]
- I'll come find you, okay?
- What happened?
- Mum, I'm fine. I'm fine.
- I just wasn't concentrating.
- It was a stupid accident, okay?
- Okay.
- Silly boy.
- Menstruation is a very good thing.
- Actually, it's... it's good to have a good clean out.
- Um...
- Um, it's very healthy, actually, okay?
- -Because if--
- -Sit down. Sit down.
- Dude, I am so proud of you.
- I would say I'm here to try and bring back a sense of community and family values that--
- Is that a dog?
Journalist: It's a fucking goat.
- Film it, for Christ's sake!
- What were you saying about family values,
- Headmistress?
- Would you just excuse me just one moment? Thank you.
- Yes, because we're friends and friends share things.
- Like bodily fluids?
- Hey, look.
- -Still looking for a job?
- -Hah, yeah.
- Nice try, but you can't distract me from the fact that you're clearly in love with Maeve!
- if you'd like.
- Or you could do it?
- ♪ Something's happening
- Happening to me ♪
- ♪ My friends say
- I'm acting peculiarly ♪
- ♪ Oh, ohh ♪
- ♪ I wanna be with you everywhere ♪
- Hiding from your boyfriend?
- He's being such a dick.
- Kinda looks like her, only older.
- -Oh. Thank you.
- -Okay. Thank you.
- Maybe this was a stupid idea.
- She used to bring us here as kids all the time, usually when she was feeling guilty about something.
- At least you've tried.
- Madam? Madam, come here! Come here!
- -[barking]
- -♪ What all of your letters ♪
- -Oh, you stupid dog.
- -♪ Just don't say ♪
- Men are so weird.
- I think he's cute.
- Why do people always think old men are cute?
- How do you know he hasn't jizzed on someone on a bus before?
- I meant the lizard.
- What's going on?
[whispers] ...what if he does this to someone else? I know you can do this.
- Please?
- -You're doing brilliantly, Aimee.
- -[Maeve] Yeah.
- Just take your time.
- Try to remember.
- He was already on the bus.
- -I mean it.
- -[chuckles]
- -America?
- -Yeah.
- So this is goodbye.
- No.
- No.
- It's see you soon.
- -♪ Ain't no love... ♪
- -Sorry. Excuse me.
- -Is this the bus for Moordale?
- -No.
- I just shouted at that man.
- Yeah.
- Yeah, you did.
- Maybe...
- I am learning from my brave son.
- Dad. [laughing]
Aimee: "Apologize for being a bitch in assembly tomorrow, or I reveal the photo with your face.
- You know who you are." Bit harsh.
- I love a scandal. Whose is it?
- I don't know, but it looks like they've got Chewbacca vag.
- Yeah, if my labia looked like that,
- I'd, uh, kill myself.
- How about tomorrow night?
- Okay.
- We're gonna have sex. [chuckles]
- We are gonna have sex.
- ♪ My baby does the hanky panky ♪
- ♪ Yeah, my baby does the hanky panky ♪
- How was detention?
- Why? It very was boring.
- Nothing weird happened.
- It was a very average detention.
- -No, I haven't.
- -Good.
- Because smoking is definitely not vegan.
- My ham.
- Have you got the money?
- You taking the piss?
[boy] Take it or leave it.
- Hey, Mum.
- Let's get you home.
Otis: Only you could turn the topic of dreams into existential angst.
- -[sighs]
- -Did you just fake it?
- Don't be stupid.
- -[sighs]
- -[latex snaps]
- -Why are you staring?
- -Show me the condom.
- No way.
- Where's the spunk, Adam?
- You do not have a vagina in the same way that I do not have a vagina.
- -It's my vagina.
- -Please, would you all just sit down?
- -It is required--
- -It's my vagina.
- -It's my vagina.
- -Ah, just sit down.
- -It's my vagina.
- -Vaginas! Bloody vaginas!
- It's my vagina.
- -Hey, it's okay.
- -I don't know what to fucking do.
- It's okay.
- It's okay.
- Please, can I stay... here, with you?
- Yeah? Okay.
- I love you, Maeve.
Eric: I thought you'd be judgmental.
- Yeah, you were right.
- -I just don't want you to get hurt.
- -Oh.
- But if you think he's changed,
- I believe you.
- I didn't mean what I said about Ola.
- Okay, if you're happy, then I'm happy.
- Grief hits people in different ways.
- Maybe that's why she wants to be intimate with you all the time, to avoid feeling the sadness.
- Yeah, maybe.
- Hey, you're kinda like an old man in a kid's body. [chuckles]
- Yeah, I get that a lot.
- but I've been thinking about how you don't really have a proper mum, and I wanted you to know that even though my mum has money, she's also crap sometimes too.
- So I was thinking that maybe we could be each other's mums.
- Thanks, Mum.
- You're welcome, Mum.
Adam: A boy I don't like told me to write from the heart, I didn't know what that meant because I never knew I had one, I never knew I had a heart till you said you kissed a boy I haven't met, then I knew I had a heart, because I thought it might stop, and when I thought my heart might stop beating, I realized it had always been there, but it didn't know how to feel, until I thought about losing you, I knew we wouldn't last forever, I was waiting for this day, but I hope we can fix things, and if we can't I will always thank you, for showing me I have a heart.
- -But the pheromones...
- -Yes, just... send off powerful signals of... attraction.
- -♪ Maybe later you'll get your chance ♪
- -Okay.
- -♪ So when the show was finished ♪
- -[groans]
- -Can I touch your penis?
- Ow! Ow! Aah!
- What’s wrong?
- Nothing, try again.
[yells] Retreat! Oh, retreat.
- -Oh...
- -Why won't it go in?
- I don't know.
Luke: Give me the hat.
- -Give me the hat.
- -Don't be a pussy, Luke. Oi, Groff!
[boy 2] Nice one, muppet!
- Sorry.
- Bad luck, new kid.
- -War. [laughs]
- -[Luke] Yeah, all right.
- was not very funny at all.
- It seems that there are some students here who get a kick out of giving us a bad name.
- And it has to stop.
- So, Lily Iglehart, Cal Bowman, and Adam Groff, come to the stage, please.
- Yeah, yeah.
- It's just a bus.
- It's just a bus.
- On or off, love?
- Actually, I'm gonna walk.
- -Moordale Secondary's quite a trek.
- -It's okay. I love walking.
- -In case you forgot.
- -No.
- No, I didn't forget.
[chuckles] Okay.
- So...
- -The bathroom.
- -Yeah.
- Yeah.
- I have to tell you something.
- I kissed someone else.
- In Nigeria.
- You what?
- It just happened. I'm so sorry, Adam.
- I need to go and feed Madam, so…
- Is that true, Tim?
- Did you tell Clara that you enjoyed the dog's company more than hers?
- Yes.
- Can you elaborate?
- The dog is... really quiet.
- I knew we wouldn't last forever
- I was waiting for this day
- But I hope we can fix things
- And if we can't
- I will always thank you
- For showing me I have a heart
[sighs] Fuck.
- Yeah?
- She shows you every day that she loves you.
- -What's the problem?
- -I'm not--
- It might be annoying, but at least she cares.
- Okay.
- Maybe just tell her the truth about how you feel.
- I didn't mean to snap, I'm sorry.
- It's not as dangerous here.
- Adam, stop it, man. You don't understand.
- Did Rahim understand?
- Why would you say that?
- I don't know.
- Why did you keep all of his stuff?
- -Wow!
- -[crowd cheering]
- -[Hope] Thank you all!
- -Come on.
- To a great start and a great week. And oh!
- Can Otis Milburn and Maeve Wiley come to my office, please?
- You get to meet her in the flesh.
- Maeve!
Jackson: What are you doing here?
- We've made an appointment with your counselor.
- -Can't we do this another time?
- -No, we're doing it now. Get in.
- Get in the car.
- I'm embarrassed.
- I've been dressing up as an alien, and you've been thinking it's strange.
- Not strange strange.
- Just sometimes, I wanna be in the real world when I'm having sex, not a silly fantasy land.
- Oh, so now having sex with me is silly?
- but you haven't beaten it yet.
- You might not for a really long time.
- That doesn't mean I won't always love you.
- 'Cause I'll always love you, Mum.
- Even if you hate me.
- Tell Isaac I'll be back in a couple of days for my painting.
Lily: We've been holding hands for 45 minutes. I know how to hold hands. I'm here to fornicate.
- See ya at Aimee's party, man!
- Remember, all of these chemicals are highly flammable, okay?
[girl] Sir, we did this experiment last year with Mr. Moorhouse.
[teacher] Well, then, you'll be a expert, won't you, Trimble?
- Just get on with it, please. Thank you.
- We're finished, Adam.
- Entry is compulsory.
- This is a fantastic opportunity that could look very good on your university applications next year.
- Are any of you even listening?
- No, I didn't think so. Anyway...
- Here's some more information.
- Take it or leave it.
- I'll be interested to see your take on this, Maeve. Genuinely.
- Dad, it wasn't...
- We were just havin' a bit of fun.
- -You know, dressin' up for--
- -It's time for you to grow up.
- Get a job, take responsibility.
- See what the real world is all about.
- Take that stuff off your face before your mother sees.
- -[girl] Aww!
- -[crowd cheering]
- -[wolf-whistling]
- -♪ Ooh, ooh ♪
- -[girl] Whoo!
- -[Eric] I'm coming for you, Otis!
- -♪ Into great balls of fire ♪
- -[laughing]
- -[crowd cheering]
Otis: Aww!
- Your mum will be fine.
- What if she's not?
- She's Jean Milburn.
- She has to be.
- Come here.
- -[Eric's mum] I called Headmaster Groff.
- -[Eric groans]
- He said that you can go to the dance tonight if you want to.
- -[Eric] I don't.
- -Maybe you can come to church with us?
- I don't go to church anymore, Mum.
- Hm?
- Everyone loves you.
- How's Adam?
- Why don't you ask him yourself?
- I haven't heard from him, so…
- I think he'd appreciate it if you reached out to him.
- You're his father.
- It's not too late to fix things, you know?
Jakob: We all have horrible thoughts sometimes. Doesn't mean bad things will happen.
[driver] Everything all right?
- Sorry, wrong bus.
- I don't want to pretend, Mum.
- Not here or anywhere.
- -Yes.
- -No.
- -[grunts] Yes.
- -No.
- -Yes!
- -No! [pants]
- -Now!
- -[grunts] Yes!
- -Fuck!
- -[pants]
- -Ah!
- -[sighs]
- What? It's normal! I used to be like that about your mum when we first met.
- Yeah, I used to be like that about Cynthia too.
- To be young.
- Yeah, it was so nice to be young.
- Your dad's such a lightweight.
- -[Roland snoring]
- -[Ruby groans]
- Huh?
- Who's pumped? Who's pumped?
- I'm pumped. Yeah?
- It will be written and assistant-directed by Swing Band's very own Lily Iglehart, and auditions will be held bright and early tomorrow morning.
- Now, I've got a really special feeling about this one, guys.
- It's a chance for everyone to really find their place... and shine.
- I never said you're not "properly gay."
- I said I want Eric to be careful because you've hurt him in the past, and I'm worried.
- You should be talking to him about this, not me.
- Tried talking. Doesn't come out right.
- What do you mean?
- This is bad, very bad.
- How could Jean leave her notes lying around?
- Well, I have to go anyway.
- I've got Swing Band practice.
- Seventeen times?
- Dirty, dirty pig.
- Twat.
- -[Maureen] Michael.
- -What?
- He is trying.
- -Sorry, Dad.
- -[dog whimpering]
- I've got you a trial shift at Brown's this evening at eight.
- He's doing me a favor so do not be late.
- -how you might feel unjustly observed.
- -Okay.
- Uh-Otis!
- -Otis, don't walk away.
- -Just go home, Mum.
- I could wait around if you want a lift.
[boy] Hey.
- -Isn’t that Courgette Lady?
- -Oh, yeah.
- -I think we have to.
- -Yeah.
- It's not your fault. [splutters]
- We're just going in different directions.
- -Adam, can we keep talking?
- -Mm… Uh…
[inhales] Don't…
- …have anything else to say.
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