30 Best Agent 99 Quotes

Algernon: [aiming a gun at Max & 99] That's a very interesting picture of you in the Control file, Mr. Smart.
Maxwell: Thank you.
Algernon: But why were you sitting on a pony?
Agent: It was taken on his birthday.

Maxwell: [Max has climbed up through a trap door in a closet] 99, you wouldn't believe what they've got up here on the second floor.
Agent: What is it?
Maxwell: A second floor closet.
Agent: Don't tell me it has a self-locking door?
Maxwell: It has a self-locking door.
Agent: [mimicking Max] I asked you not to tell me that.

Maxwell: 99, what are you doing here?
Agent: Max, I wanted to make sure you were alright.
Maxwell: I'm fine, 99, Now you'd better get out of here before my wife sees you.
Agent: Max! I'm you're wife!
Maxwell: Yes, I know that, 99 I mean my other wife.

99: Max, it's almost noon, aren't you going down to the headquarters?
Maxwell: Well I thought I'd go down a little late today.
99: Oh, how late?
Maxwell: Like tomorrow morning.

Maxwell: You mean to tell me that all those names you've been giving me for the last hour are names of babies?
Agent: But of course.
Maxwell: But I thought they were names of streets, I made a map out of them.
Agent: [laughs] How silly.
Maxwell: Well it may be silly, but it works. According to this map, I can get you to the hospital in less than ten minutes flat!

Agent: It looks like he died of fright.
Maxwell: Either that or some other natural cause.
Jason: Sebastian...
Hester: Don't tell me he's loose.
Jason: [checks Sebastian's attic door, which has a hole in it] He's loose.
Hester: I asked you not to tell me that!

Agent: [Max is about to jump and climb over a wall] I'm gonna have a baby, Max.
Maxwell: A baby?
[runs straight through the wall]

Agent: Max! To forget that you've robbed a safe is one thing, but to forget that you've kissed your wife... I don't think that's very nice.

Chief: The moment she tries to kill him, we'll have her for attempted murder.
Agent: But what if she kills him before you get there to stop her?
Chief: Then we'll have her for murder.
Maxwell: That's even better, 99, it's tough to beat a murder rap!

Chief: I know this is going to come as a shock, but that painting, and every painting in this museum, belongs to the man they work for.
Agent: But Chief, everything in this museum belongs to the United States.
Chief: That's the trouble, 99. The man they work for owns the United States.

99: Max, don't you realize what's happening, they're doing it to you too. You're turning old right before my eyes!
Maxwell: Now let's not panic, 99, just because I came home a little tired and my hair is turning a little gray, doesn't mean that I'm turning old.

Maxwell: [there's a knock on the door] I'll get it, 99.
Agent: Be sure to get the password, Max.
Maxwell: I will.
[crosses room to get to the door]
Maxwell: Yes?
Chief: [behind door] Knock, knock.
Maxwell: Who's there?
Chief: Me.
Maxwell: Me who?
Chief: Me, the Chief.

Maxwell: Well, at least we know one thing, it's pretty obvious.
Agent: What's that, Max?
Maxwell: Well, the man with the scar is definitely a candle maker.
Chief: No, he's a pick-pocket.
Maxwell: Oh. A pick-pocket who's a candlemaker on the side?
Maxwell: [the inspector does not answer] A pick-pocket who doesn't believe in electricity?

Maxwell: [looking at Sunflowers by Van Gogh] What would you say that is worth, 99?
Agent: Oh, a lot, Max, that's a Van Gogh.
Maxwell: Isn't he the guy that cut off his own ear?
Agent: Right. He send it to his girlfriend. He must really have loved her a lot.
Maxwell: Either that or he hated his ear.

Maxwell: There's no doubt about it, 99, Professor Duval is our man.
Agent: But how can you be so sure, Max?
Maxwell: Well, it's really quite simple: instinct, logic and a lack of suspects.

Agent: [on phone] The Chief is waiting for me downstairs. I'm on my way to the hospital right now.
Maxwell: [on wristwatch phone] Are you alright, 99?
Agent: Yes. The pains are coming every ten minutes now.
Maxwell: [in the process of being whipped by the Colonel] Good. Mine are coming every five seconds.

Agent: Are we alone on this assignment?
General: Oh no, 99, every nation in the world is joining forces in order to do what must be done to stop this madman. Russia is standing by with nuclear submarines.
Colonel: Great Britain has offered us air cover.
Admiral: South America has offered the knowledge of its top German scientists.
Colonel: And Israel is making sandwiches for the trip.

Agent: [walking towards door] Who is it?
Maxwell: [off screen, behind door] It's me, honey.
Agent: What's the password?
Maxwell: I lost my wallet.
Agent: That's not the password.
Maxwell: I know, but I had the password written on a piece of paper in my wallet.
Agent: That's Max!
[opens door]

Agent: It's going to take a super human brain to figure this one out, Chief.
Chief: 99, we have a super human brain. All we have to do is put the question to it.
Larabee: Fire away, Chief, ask me any question you want.

Maxwell: Dr. Zharko, KAOS' mad scientist?
Agent: But Chief, that's not possible. He was arrested by the Transylvanian highway patrol over a year ago and executed.
Maxwell: Well that's probably when he decided to experiment with bringing people back to life.
Agent: While he was dead?
Maxwell: Well, he probably had a lot of time on his hands.

Larabee: Why, I have worse news: Harvey just closed the Control delicatessen and went home.
Maxwell: You're kidding, why?
Larabee: He said with only three Control agents left in Washington, he can't afford to stay open any longer.
Agent: [on phone] Right, just as soon as he gets in.
[hangs up]
Agent: What are we gonna do?
Larabee: There's only one thing we can do: eat across the street at Angelo's.

Agent: [Larabee walks in on Max & 99 kissing passionately] Yes, Larabee?
Larabee: Huh?
Agent: What did you want?
Larabee: I forgot.
Agent: Goodbye, Larabee.
Larabee: Can I watch while I'm trying to remember?
Agent: Get out, Larabee.

Maxwell: 99, I've been watching that window all day through my binoculars and I'm telling you that there was a little short guy in there with Greer and Miss Parker.
Agent: Well maybe you were looking in the wrong window?
Maxwell: With Miss Parker in there, are you kidding?

Maxwell: [after the doorbell rings] Be quiet.
[draws his gun]
Agent: Do you think it might be KAOS?
Maxwell: Either that or your mother.

Chief: I'm going to telephone Max and tell him to wake that woman and kiss her.
Agent: What?
Chief: 99, no two women kiss alike. The second Max kisses her he'll know it's not you.
Agent: Chief, that's a terrible idea!
Chief: Why?
Agent: What if she's better?

Agent: What are our instructions?
Agent: [stationed inside a burning stove] You're to go to the bar, and order a beer. Then bring it back here, and I'll give you further instructions.

King: What is that terrible smell?
99: Eh, horseradish.
King: Horseradish? Smells more like a tarantula.

Dr. Zharko: [Zharko points to a corpse in his laboratory] One month ago, this KAOS agent was ruthlessly murdered in cold blood.
Agent: By who?
Dr. Zharko: Me.

99: [on phone at home] Listen, by the way, thank you so much for the baby gift.
Larabee: [on phone in office] Oh, did the store send it out already?
99: Yes, and it's absolutely adorable. I'm looking forward to meeting your wife so I can thank her in person.
Larabee: You could have done that when you got the gift. That was my wife who delivered it.
99: Oh, I'm so embarrassed. I hope she won't be offended that I tipped her.
Larabee: Well how much did you give her?
99: A dollar.
Larabee: She wasn't offended.

Chief: Leadside is the most diabolically clever criminal we've ever run across. He's never yet made a threat that he hasn't carried out.
Maxwell: That's right, Chief. Like the time he stole the Star of India.
Agent: He stole the Star of India?
Maxwell: Well, he kidnapped Sabu.