Top 1000 Quotes From Get Smart

99's: [about Max] Eh, is he really in the greeting card business?
99: Why yes of course, why do you ask?
99's: Oh, I don't know. Your father always used to always say he was in the greeting card business.
99: And wasn't he?
99's: Didn't you know? Your father was a spy.

Chief: Max, please be careful. You'll be out there alone. A walking target for a killer.
Maxwell: And... loving it.

Maxwell: Max, pussycat!
Maxwell: Sid, it's good to see you again. You haven't changed a bit, how long has it been now?
Sid: 15 years! You forgot? Seoul, Korea, 1952. Don't you remember? We said if we both lived through this we'd get together again, huh, pal? Well, we almost didn't make it.
Maxwell: Yeah, that was a tough bar, Sid.

Maxwell: Looks like I've messed everything up.
99: Oh, don't feel badly Max, you've messed things up before and you'll mess things up again.
Maxwell: You're just saying that to make me feel good.
99: That's what a wife's for.

Danker: [Danker is waving a flamethrower at Max] Now you'll get it the hard way.
Maxwell: Have you ever used one of those things before, Danker?
Danker: No.
Maxwell: Well, why don't I come back a little later after you've had time to practice?

Dr. Steel: One must not hurry the process of scientific research, Mr. Smart.
Maxwell: Well would one remember that one is going to die at one o'clock tomorrow afternoon and I'm the one who's the one?

Maxwell: [dressed as a Mexican musician] You know something, 99, I like you with a moustache.
#: [wearing a Charlie Chaplin outfit] Thanks.
Maxwell: Don't shave it off.

Maxwell: Remarkable thing about that dog, Chief. He was trained as a double agent, practiced thief, and a natural killer.
Chief: What happened to him?
Maxwell: He was adopted by a nice family.
99: Lots of kids.

Chief: Larabee, I need a couple of men for surveilance duty. Who's available? No, no wait a minute, on second thought, I'll look in the Control file of the graduating class.
Larabee: Why the, eh, Control graduating class, Chief?
Chief: Because KAOS knows what all our agents look like. Those Control bubblegum cards we came out with last year backfired.

Chief: Don't forget, this is a most hazardous assignment. The second you set foot in Germany, you'll be living in constant, extreme danger.
Maxwell: Und damit Gefreut.
Chief: What's he saying now, 99?
#: 'And loving it'.

Maxwell: Herb Alpert takes trumpet lessons from Guy Lombardo.

Marco: KAOS has just been aquired by I.H. Industries.
Maxwell: Of course, I.H. Industries. Who's I.H. Industries?
Marco: They're a very big conglomerate. They already own steel companies, airlines, oil companies and a chain of pizza parlors.
Maxwell: With all that capital behind them, there'll be no stopping KAOS.

Maxwell: Don't move, Joshua. This hammer happens to be a 45 caliber pistol.
Frank: So is this wrench.
Maxwell: Oh really? Carlson is gonna feel terrible about this...

99's: [99 is untying her mother from a rack] Why are those men fighting with Max?
Agent: Oh, eh, they're from a rival greeting card company.
99's: I had no idea the competition was so fierce in the greeting card company.

KAOS: With that kind of a price on your head, every killer in the country is gonna be after you. You don't stand a chance.
Maxwell: Oh really? Well I've got news for you, fella. Anybody who tries to collect that reward is gonna have to do it over my dead body.

Maxwell: Is Rudolph Hubert a regular Control agent who became a concert violinist, or is it the other way around?
Chief: No, he's always been a control agent but his talent as a violinist has given him a perfect cover. And it gives him access to places where our other agents couldn't get in.
Maxwell: Gee, that's the glamorous end of the business, Chief. Too bad I flunked out of spy music school.

Maxwell: What are you doing?
Dr. Simon: Exorcising. I've gotta keep in shape. You know what they say: a healthy body makes a healthy mind.
Maxwell: You must have some mind.

Maxwell: Chief! What happened, are you alright?
Agent: Where's my mother?
Chief: I was hit by a blackjack.
Maxwell: Your mother hit him over the head with a blackjack?
Agent: Max! My mother wouldn't do a thing like that!
Chief: Her mother wouldn't do a thing like that! You sure it wasn't a gunbutt?

Larabee: Gee, I'm sorry I'm late, 99, did you have the baby yet?
Maxwell: Of course she didn't have the baby yet. What are you doing here?
Larabee: I came here to take her to the hospital to have the baby.
Maxwell: Well, we don't know when she's going to have the baby, she could have it tonight, she could have it tomorrow night, she could have it the next night.
Larabee: Gee, I hope not, Max, that's why I'm here now. I'm tied up for the rest of the week.

99: Max, it's almost noon, aren't you going down to the headquarters?
Maxwell: Well I thought I'd go down a little late today.
99: Oh, how late?
Maxwell: Like tomorrow morning.

Chief: We're going to have to send a man in to infiltrate that barbershop. Now if we do it successfully, we'll be able to learn how KAOS finances their evil schemes.
Maxwell: Maybe they're playing the stock market, Chief.
Chief: No Max, I don't think so. It's much more likely they get their money by robbery, extorsion and blackmail.
Maxwell: You're probably right. A lot of people don't trust the market these days.

Agent: [on phone] The Chief is waiting for me downstairs. I'm on my way to the hospital right now.
Maxwell: [on wristwatch phone] Are you alright, 99?
Agent: Yes. The pains are coming every ten minutes now.
Maxwell: [in the process of being whipped by the Colonel] Good. Mine are coming every five seconds.

Chief: There's no telling where they'll be able to infiltrate next. May be even the Pentagon.
Maxwell: You're right, Chief. But even if they do get a man into the Pentagon, that's not saying he'll be able to get out. I remember one of our own agents was lost in there for three days.
Chief: Three days? Max, no agent could be that confused.
Maxwell: Well, let me see now. I went in on a Friday...

Maxwell: Listen, 99, did you find out anything about that restaurant that sold me the poison coffee?
Agent: Yes, Max. It was a Kaos front. They stayed in business almost a year just to get the Professor. Then they packed up and disappeared. Terrible, isn't it?
Maxwell: It certainly is. They had the best prune danish in town.

Maxwell: [Two KAOS agents knock out Chief and drive away with him in his car; Max fails to notice] Hey, Chief, you forgot your luggage! Hurry, hurry, hurry.

Maxwell: Mr. Shurok, does the name KAOS mean anything to you?
Shurok: KAOS? The international organization of evil? Formed in 1904 in Bucharest? Designed to forment unrest and revolution around the world?
Maxwell: Yes.
Shurok: I never heard of it.

Woman Passenger: [having seen Max using his donut and coffee cup phone] Pardon me sir, may I have your donut?
Maxwell: Why?
Woman Passenger: Mine isn't working.

#: Poor 51, what a way to go. With a knife in his back in a ridiculous gorilla suit.
Maxwell: Well, that's showbusiness.

Maxwell: I'm sorry I'm late, Chief, but I was stuck in the car for almost twenty minutes.
Chief: I know, 86. The traffic.
Maxwell: No, the seat belt. I can never get that darn thing unbuckled.

Nealis: [Max' tie is stuck in a KAOS agents suitcase] What are you doing down there?
Maxwell: Would you believe a Jolson medley?

Agent: What does she do?
Chief: We don't have much on her. We know that she writes children's books. She wrote "The Tiger that Couldn't," "The Elephant that Wouldn't," and "The Pussy that Would Like To."

Mr. Natz: A genius killer. What do you call him?
Dr. Ratton: Hymie.
Mr. Natz: Hymie?
Dr. Ratton: I made him, I call him what I want.
Mr. Natz: But Hymie?
Dr. Ratton: My father's name was Hymie.
Mr. Natz: Okay, call him what you want.

#: Why don't we use the X-22 computer, Chief?
Chief: I've thought of that, 99, but somebody fed a deck of cards into it and now all it'll do is play poker with the CIA computer.
#: Well can't you reprogram it?
Chief: No, we can't do that, it's 32 dollars behind.

Maxwell: Oh Chief, what time does 498's plane arrive?
Chief: [Chief looks at his watch] In exactly 15 minutes.
Maxwell: 15 minutes?
[Max looks at his watch]
Maxwell: Why did YENTA wait so long to call?
Chief: They work on a limited budget, Max, they have to wait until after 6 o'clock for the long distance rates to change.
Maxwell: Lucky they didn't drop us a postcard.

Maxwell: Isn't this top secret?
Chief: Yes.
Maxwell: Well, don't you think it would be wize to speak in a foreign language?
Chief: [a bit reluctantly] All right, French.
Maxwell: French? Gosh, Chief, everybody speaks French. Why don't we speak in Swahili?
Chief: As you wish. Mahani ganga gi.
Maxwell: Ganga gi? I thought it was ganga ga.
Chief: No, ganga gi.
Maxwell: Oh, that's strange. I thought it was gi after ganga unless it came before goo
Chief: [exasperated] How about English?
Maxwell: English? Eh... okay, but don't go too fast.

Maxwell: I had to destroy the first message. Do you have a copy?
Agent: Well you know 86, secret message paper doesn't grow on trees...

Maxwell: [speaking into his shoe phone] Well, if you can't give me today's password, I'll accept the countersign or today's secret code number. My life may depend on it.
Chief: [on the other line] Get in here, Max, or I'll personally tear you apart!
Maxwell: That's good enough for me Chief, I'll be right over.

Sam: [on his deathbed] You know in my lifetime I must have robbed a 150 banks. Maybe 160... I guess it was closer to 200.
Maxwell: [posing as Floyd Darrow] Eh, yeah, 200 banks, Sam.
Sam: 192 to be exact!
Agent: [posing as Connie Barker] Where did you hide the money, Sam?
Sam: What money? Most of the banks I robbed went bust in the depression.
Maxwell: Well then what's your secret?
Sam: [beckons them closer] Crime doesn't pay!

Maxwell: What do you mean, 'that's Max al right', that couldn't possibly be me. I didn't steal the Farco 9-12.
Chief: It's not the Farco 9-12, it's the Marco 5-12.

Maxwell: [99 has taken off her chauffeur's cap] Why, You're a girl...

Maxwell: Who's that?
Policeman: That's Hoo.
Maxwell: Who's who?
Policeman: He's Hoo.
Maxwell: Oh, he's who. What are you talking about?

Hassein: Would you like a camel?
Maxwell: Eh, no thanks, I'm trying to cut down.

Chief: The Beluvian prime minister is ready to resume his mission.
Maxwell: That's wonderful, chief. What *is* his mission?
Chief: He's here to borrow 20 million dollars from our government. After what happened, we're lucky his country still wants to take our money.
Doll: What would be so terrible if they didn't?
Maxwell: I'm surprised at you, Doll Baby. If they didn't take our money, they'd have no reason to resent us. And if they didn't resent us, we would never really be sure they were our friends.

Chief: [having forbidden Max to tell 99 about his new cover] Max, untill your mission is a success, she'll learn to do without you.
Maxwell: Yes Chief, but what if my mission is a failure?
Chief: We'll all learn to do without you.

Maxwell: [86 and 99 are trapped in a phonebooth that is filling up with water] 99, do you have change? All I have is a quarter.
#: Oh Max, use the quarter!
Maxwell: Use a quarter for a ten cent phonecall? 99, if you throw your money around like that, you'll have nothing left for a rainy day.

Chief: [disguised as a statue Bacchus] Karvelas, Szathmary, take them downtown. And turn in those costumes before midnight, or we'll be charged double.

Maxwell: [during gladiator fight] Hey, watch it with that net! You're liable to get my sword tangled in it.

Chief: [addressing Max, 99 and two more Control agents] Now what I'm about to tell you must not leave this room. It's top security.
Maxwell: Top security? That calls for the Cone of Silence, Chief.
Chief: Max, how do you expect to get five people into something that small?
Maxwell: Thinking like that would have put the Volkswagen people out of business a long time ago.

Maxwell: [Max enters his apartment and finds the Prince, Le Moco and Agent 498 all wearing the same clothing] Prince, your highness, hello Bubi. Wait a minute. There's something very wrong here.
Le: [Impersonating the prince] One of those two men is Le Moco, quick give me the gun.
Prince: Don't do it, he's Le Moco.
Maxwell: Who are you?
Prince: I am Prince Abu Ben Bubi.
Maxwell: How do I know your not Le Moco?
Agent: You can believe him, Smart.
Maxwell: And who are you?
Agent: I'm Agent 498.
Maxwell: Oh no you're not, I just left Agent 498 a few hours ago, and he hasn't even started to grow a beard.
Agent: Well we know you're Maxwell Smart.
[the Prince and 498 nod in agreement]
Maxwell: Don't confuse me.
Le: [Impersonating Max] Yes? How do you know I'm not Maxwell Smart?
Maxwell: Hey, that's very good. What other impressions do you do?

Maxwell: As agent in charge of internal security, I can give you my personal assurance that everything is under perfect control.
Maxwell: [an alarm goes off as a sign reading 'Emergency' flashes red, a sign reading 'Security' blue and a sign reading 'Danger' yellow] Eh, would you settle for almost perfect?

Samuels: When the chick spots Kubacheck, she'll go into the dance of the seven veils.
Maxwell: The seven veils, huh?
Samuels: If Kubacheck sits at table one, she'll take off one veil. If he's at table two she'll take off two veils and so on, through the tables, three, four...
Samuels,101586: ...five and six.
Maxwell: Eh, what if he goes to table seven?
Samuels: The cops come in and close the place down.

Maxwell: Listen 99, just remember this: a coward is a frightened man who's scared to be brave. But a brave man is only a coward who isn't scared to be frightened.

Professor: How did this melody go?
Maxwell: Well, have you ever heard the song 'Heart of my Heart'?
Professor: Yes.
Maxwell: That wasn't it

Maxwell: Oh yes, I remember now, a wrong key in this lock will set off an electrical charge of 5000 volts.
Dr. Minelli: And of course, the noise will bring help running.
Maxwell: What noise?
Dr. Minelli: Your screams.

Naomi: Look who's talking, Mr. Suave. Who wears his socks to bed.
Emil: I only do that so I won't get my feet dirty from the sheets.

Maxwell: I'm telling you, Chief, this was no ordinary kidnap attempt. I happen to have recognized one of those hoods as a KAOS man.
Chief: What's the man's name?
Maxwell: I can't remember.
Chief: What was the girl's name?
Maxwell: I didn't get it.
Chief: What about the license number of the girl's car?
Maxwell: I didn't see it.
Chief: How about the license of the other car?
Maxwell: I didn't notice.
Chief: Max, what would you do if you were me and an agent gave you answers like 'I can't remember,' 'I didn't notice' and 'I didn't see it?'
Maxwell: I don't know.

Bronzefinger: [86 and 99 are about to be bronzed] Goodbye, Mr. Smart. I'll be back in 3 minutes after it's all over. You see I cannot bare to hear a woman crying.
Maxwell: How do you feel about a man screaming?

Maxwell: Well I guess that just about wraps up the case, Gronski.
Gronski: Well I guess I was wrong, Smart. No hard feelings, huh?
Maxwell: No, no hard feelings, you were just trying to execute me.

Mr. Big: [to Agent 99] I see that what your organization lacks in strategy, it more than makes up in loveliness.
Maxwell: Thank you.

Maxwell: [on shoe phone] We're being held in a two room cabin overlooking a lake
Larabee: [on the Chief's other phone] I know that place, I was stationed near there when I was in the army.
Chief: [on his regular office phone] Max, we're on our way.
[they all hang up]
Chief: [draws his revolver] Ok Larabee, where is it?
Chief: Eh, six miles South of Berlin.

Maxwell: [Max shoe phone started ringing while he was delivering a suitcase to some KAOS men] I guess it was a wrong number.
KAOS: But we told ya, we don't have a phone.
Maxwell: Well you'd better get one. As long as you've got the ringing, you might as well have a phone, right?

Maxwell: We're gonna build a pit. Then I'm gonna sharpen some stakes and put them in the bottom of the pit. Then we'll cover the pit over. Nobody'll know it's there. Then finally someone will jump into the pit and be impaled on the stakes.
#: I've heard of that, Max. It's called a Malayan man-trap.
Maxwell: It is?
#: Uh huh. Do you think it will work?
Maxwell: Well it all depends, 99.
#: On what?
Maxwell: On whether or not Hunter is a Malayan man.

Victor: My name is Borgia.
Maxwell: Borgia! Of course! You're the man who poisoned 23 people and a pair of parakeets.
Victor: No Mr. Smart.
Maxwell: 23 parakeets and a pair of people?
Victor: I am Borgia of KAOS.
Maxwell: Ok, I'll accept that, but don't expect to have a drink with my bird.

Maxwell: Say, that's a beautiful trophy they gave you for winning the marathon race, Larabee, you must be very thrilled.
Larabee: I am, now we have a set, I have one, my wife has one.
Maxwell: You're wife is a professional marathon walker?
Larabee: No, she's a professional wrestler.
Maxwell: Your wife is a professional wrestler?
Larabee: You probably saw her wrestle lots of times on television and didn't know it.
Maxwell: Really?
Larabee: Did you ever see Battling Biff Bannister? Big, tall, built like an ox, always wore a black hood over the face.
Maxwell: Your wife wrestled Battling Biff Banister?
Larabee: My wife is Battling Biff Bannister!

Maxwell: How do you like that? The old secret panel in the bookcase trick. How corny can you get?
KAOS: It fooled you, didn't it?
Maxwell: Just barely.

Chief: The most obvious place for a book is in a library. And sometimes, the most obvious place is the safest.
Maxwell: You know, you may have something there, Chief. Agent Dunlap had the same theory. He once came into possession of a very important piece of microfilm. You know where he hid it?
Chief: Where?
Maxwell: Right on top of his desk in his living room. Right out there in the open where everybody could see it.
Chief: And the microfilm was safe?
Maxwell: Yes, well, it would have been if they hadn't stolen the desk.

Chief: You must be doing an excellent job. The men seem very well behaved.
Warden: Yes, well we try to give them a little warmth and understanding, along with a constant beating.

Maxwell: This is the first time I've ever met a king face to face.
Chief: Not face to face, Max, when we enter we bow low and stay that way until we're told to rise.
Maxwell: [fiddles with the arm of a suit of armor] Well I just hope that I don't have to bend over too long. When the blood rushes to my head I get a terrific headache.
Chief: There is such a thing as protocol.
Maxwell: Is that anything like an aspirin?

99: Oh Max, you saved me from making a terrible mistake. You're wonderful.
Maxwell: Oh, that's all right, Susan.
99: It's 99, Max. Susan isn't my real name.

Maxwell: Who are the KAOS agents?
Colonel: Three men: Heinrich of Holtsow, Kukolf of Klutzenglokken, and Otto of Oggenfirstengoggle.
Maxwell: Eh... Heinrich of Holtsbrow, Kukolf of Klutzenglotzen, and Otto of, uh... How do you spell "Oggenfirstengoggle"?
Colonel: With 2 G's.

Maxwell: All right, let's check our watches. 5.33.
Turk: 6 O'clock.
El: 9.45.
Le: 8.15.
Maxwell: Perfect. We're right on schedule.

Maxwell: [having found out Royal is working for KAOS] Well to tell ya the truth I'm a little surprised myself, 99. I knew he was a liar and a cheat but a spy!

#: [Max and 99 are preparing a raft] Max, there's a storm brewing. It's gonna be very dangerous to try to row to the mainland.
Maxwell: I suppose so, but someones gotta get to the mainland and tell 'em that whe're stranded out here with a crazy maniacal KAOS killer.
#: I guess you're right. Goodbye, Max.
Maxwell: Goodbye 99, and good luck.
[hands her the ore]

Maxwell: Wait a minute, Kirch, you're talking with a foreign accent.
Kirsch: I am not. I am speaking perfectly. As spy in Control I had foreign accent.

#: It's Siegfried!
Maxwell: Yes. My old friend and bitter enemy.

Maxwell: Well, there was this East Himalayan traveling salesman, see, and his ox-cart broke down in front of a farm house. Well, he went up and he knocked on the door and the farmer opened the door. And the traveling salesman said: 'Oh oh oh hey, mahu, savali naaneh'. And the farmer replied: 'Aaka maaka soo soo'.
[laughs riotously]

Chief: Mary 'Jack' Armstrong, the strongest female counter spy in the world. Max, you've got to be especially carefull, she is gorgeous and deadly.
Maxwell: [with emphasis] So... am I.

Maxwell: Eh, I'm sorry about this mess, conductor.
Train: It happens all the time on the Orient Express. You think this is bad, you should see compartment 13.

Chief: What are you doing?
Maxwell: [checking the pockets of Hitler's uniform] I'm looking for Eva Braun's phone number.

Maxwell: [hanging on to the wing of Siegfried's plane] Don't tell me you'd shoot an unarmed man in mid-air?
Siegfried: Of course I would.
Maxwell: [shouting] I asked you not to tell me that!

#: If Siegfried is on the level, Chief, think of all the valuable information we can get from him.
Chief: Yes, you may be right. Max, where does he want to meet?
Maxwell: In the same warehouse.
Chief: Well all right, but if it's a trap and we get killed, you're fired!
Chief: [pause] Max, you know I'm frightened...
Maxwell: Why Chief?
Chief: I'm beginning to sound like you.

Maxwell: Of course it's a fishing rod, 99, but you can't always tell a hook by its cover. You see this reel here is actually a homing device. The rod is the antenna.

Maxwell: Stay where you are, Igor. I'm warning you. One more step and I'll put a bullet right between those beady little eyes.
[Igor takes a step forward. Max pulls the trigger but the gun is empty. He hits Igor across the shoulder with the gun but Igor grabs the gun. Max punches Igor across the jaw but Igor does not budge]
Maxwell: [Max puts his arm around Igor] Eh, listen Igor, I hope I wasn't out of line with that crack about the beady eyes.

Maxwell: An East Himalayan bum walked up to me on the street one day and said: 'Ana hoho uni, aha awahi tiki'. And I said - what's the punchline?
[points at Dimitri]
Dimitri: I said: 'Yehi tajo gurka hama'.
Maxwell: [Max checks the punchline in the East Himalayan joke book and begins to chuckle] That's very funny Dimitri.

Agent: [Agent 44 is stationed upside down in a cello case] Hey 86, you know, I'm getting tired of these assignments. The blood's been rushing to my head all day. I had an awful time digesting my dinner.
Maxwell: Anything I can do for ya?
Agent: Just one thing. Could you pick up the loose change from the bottom of the case? It keeps falling out of my pockets.

Maxwell: The old garbage trick, eh? That's the second time it's been pulled on me this year.

Chief: I suffer from acrophobia.
Maxwell: Oh. Fear of acrobats?
Chief: No, fear of high places.

Maxwell: [Repeated line] Don't tell me...

#: [hunting dogs are hot on Max and 99's trail] Max, listen! Do you know what that sound is?
Maxwell: I'm not sure, but it will never make the top ten.

Maxwell: Well if there's anything I don't need at this time Chief, it's a respite. I personally want to avenge the death of my very good and dear friend doctor... whathisname.

Chief: Why would you serve a German white wine with Italian food? They don't go together.
Larabee: Well, it was bottled in 1943.
Chief: What has that got to do with it?
Larabee: They went together then.

Larabee: Why, I have worse news: Harvey just closed the Control delicatessen and went home.
Maxwell: You're kidding, why?
Larabee: He said with only three Control agents left in Washington, he can't afford to stay open any longer.
Agent: [on phone] Right, just as soon as he gets in.
[hangs up]
Agent: What are we gonna do?
Larabee: There's only one thing we can do: eat across the street at Angelo's.

Maxwell: [on regular phone at home] Listen, 99, are you free tonight?
#: [on phone in Larabee's office] Oh, well I'm sitting in for Larabee but he should be back soon. What did you have in mind?
Maxwell: Oh, I don't know, I thought a few drinks, a little dancing, maybe a late supper.
#: I'd love that! Shall I pick you up as usual?
Maxwell: Eh, well it's not exactly that way, 99, you see eh, there's a buddy of mine in town and eh, well he asked me if I could get him a date and I thought if you weren't doing anything tonight...
#: But Max...
Maxwell: Oh, one more thing, 99, I wonder if you could get a girl for me while you're at it. Nothing special, about 5"2"", blond hair, blue eyes.
Maxwell: [99 hangs up angrily] 99?

Chief: [meeting on the moon] What took you so long? Do you know what time it is?
Maxwell: Yes, well, 99's mother called us just before we left Earth.
Chief: Well, this is probably the last time we'll be able to have these secret meetings on the moon anyway. Now that the astronauts have landed successfully, there'll probably be a lot more of them coming.
Maxwell: Well, we really shouldn't complain, Chief, we've had it for four years.

Samuels: Well that's it, as George Washington said in his farewell to his troops:
[dramatic pause]
Samuels: farewell, troops!

Maxwell: Wait a minute, you're talking with an accent.
Kendall: Before I was talking wiz an accent, now I'm talking right.

Maxwell: [posing as King Charles] Oh yes of course, the royal ball here at the capitol.
Princess: No, it was at your summer palace.
Maxwell: You wore a gown of white.
Princess: No I wore blue that night.
Maxwell: Ah yes, I remember it well.
Princess: Then you and I slipped away from the crowd and went outside.
Maxwell: We strolled the grounds.
Princess: We walked your hounds.
Maxwell: We stopped by the fountain for a kiss I think.
Princess: We stopped by the well to give your dogs a drink.
Maxwell: Ah yes, I remember the well.

Siegfried: [Starker is blowing raspberries with his mouth in imitation of motorcycles] Eh, Starker, this is KAOS we don't
[makes the same raspberry sound]
Siegfried: here.

Maxwell: You'll never get away with it, Chief, I don't look like Columbus, I don't even speak Italian.
Larabee: Besides, Chief, at Control training school Max flunked torture three years in a row.

Maxwell: [interrogating a KAOS parrot] Listen, are you gonna talk, or am I gonna bring in the cat?

Maxwell: I hate to say it, but Hymie is depreciated.
Agent: But Hymie is unique.
Maxwell: According to the latest Control blue book, we can trade Hymie even for a 1956 Edsel.

Chief: [the Chief walks in to find Max and Ingrid lying on the couch] Max!
Maxwell: Oh, hi Chief, this is Ingrid, our massage she's giving me a maid.

Chain: [Max, Chain and the professor can hear a bomb ticking] It's coming from the desk...
Maxwell: [to Whitaker] It's coming from the desk.
Prof. Whitaker: [to Chain] It's coming from the desk.
Chain: It's dumming from the cesk.
Maxwell: It's dumming from the cesk? What are you talking about?

Maxwell: [speaking on 99s portable hair dryer phone] Hello Chief, this is Max.
Chief: [on the other line] Max, are there any clues?
Maxwell: No Chief, just that clip-clop sound I was telling you about.
Chief: Does anyone on board make that noise?
Maxwell: Everyone on board makes that noise.

Beastmaster: Welcome Maxwell Smart. You are no match for the brilliance of KAOS. You have fallen into our very clever trap.

Contact: [the informer has been mortally wounded] Drink... please... drink.
Maxwell: [Max grabs a glass of milk from a table] Here you are fellow, drink this milk.
Contact: [panting] Is it regular or skim?
Maxwell: [Max takes a sip] It's regular. Go ahead, drink it.
Contact: Strict diet... only drink skim...

99: [on phone at home] Listen, by the way, thank you so much for the baby gift.
Larabee: [on phone in office] Oh, did the store send it out already?
99: Yes, and it's absolutely adorable. I'm looking forward to meeting your wife so I can thank her in person.
Larabee: You could have done that when you got the gift. That was my wife who delivered it.
99: Oh, I'm so embarrassed. I hope she won't be offended that I tipped her.
Larabee: Well how much did you give her?
99: A dollar.
Larabee: She wasn't offended.

Maxwell: What did you bring me today, Chief?
Chief: Corned beef from Irving's delicatessen.
[turns to leave]
Maxwell: Chief?
Chief: Hm?
Maxwell: I don't care what happens to me, but somehow, some place, some time I'm going to put that man behind bars.
Chief: The Blaster.
Maxwell: No, Irving. This corned beef is terrible.

Chief: [puts phone on hook] Why doesn't he answer?
Larabee: Maybe he went out for a walk?
Chief: No, he's under doctor's orders not to leave the apartment.
Larabee: Maybe he's taking a nap?
Chief: No, a let the phone ring often enough to wake him. Something must have happened...
Larabee: Maybe something happened to 'em?

Maxwell: It's so simple! No wonder we were never able to crack that code. That's the way it always is, it's right there under your nose and you never see it. 'Marmalade'. Of course. And for two years we've been working on 'jelly'.

#: [Siegfried is planning to fire 86 and 99 from the sub's torpedo tubes] May I have one last request?
Siegfried: Last request?
#: It's just that Maxwell Smart and I have been very dear friends for a long time and I'd like to... shake his hand goodbye.
Siegfried: What kind of a last request is this?

Greco: You don't look like a trainer to me.
Maxwell: Is that so. Well, I happen to be an expert. Why, I once trained a girl to swim across the English channel four times. Would you believe it, four times!
Greco: I find that hard to believe.
Maxwell: Would you believe three times across the Mississippi?
Greco: I don't think so.
Maxwell: How about twice around the bathtub?
[Greco walks off]
Maxwell: [to 99 and the Chief] Once around the bathtub?

Dietrick: [Max has just thrown a glass of tequila in his own face] You forgot to open your mouth, doctor.
Maxwell: Ah yes, I, I did that deliberately, you see, I decided that I had had enough.

99: I don't know what assignment the chief had in mind when he had you grow that moustache, but it looks perfect with your costume...
Maxwell: I don't know either, 99, but it certainly presented a problem.
99: Why?
Maxwell: Well, I didn't know whether to come to the masquerade as D'Artagnan, Dickie Smothers or Anna Magnani.

Siegfried: Clean out the table.
Starker: What do I do with the bones?
Siegfried: Do what you always do. Bring in one of the dogs from the sled, de-frost him, feed him, then freeze him up again.

Ingrid: Oh Mr. Smart, do you know you are extremely attractive?
Maxwell: Oh well, I wouldn't say that.
Ingrid: Oh, you're very handsome.
Maxwell: That I would say, yes.

Maxwell: Of course! The old pestle in the mortar trick.
Dr. Jarvis Pym: No, the old mortar in the mortar trick.

Chief: [supplying Max with an old coat full of holes] Max, take good care of this. The tailor charges a fortune to rip it up like that
Maxwell: Chief, I've got a dry cleaner that will do this for nothing.

Maxwell: There's enough evidence here to destroy KAOS' whole operation on the Western hemisphere and send Mondebello to the electric chair.
Mondebello: [jumps from hiding place pointing a pistol] I wouldn't be so sure.
Mrs: Mondebello!
#: Mondebello!
Maxwell: Who are you?
Mondebello: Mondebello.

Agent: [Agent 44 is still stuck in a cello case] Hello 44.
Agent: Hello 66.
Agent: 66? I'm 99.
Agent: Well I'm upside down.

#: How did you know we were here?
Harry: Called your hotel and got no answer.
Maxwell: But how did you know to look for us here in the Chinese Laundry?
Harry: Was not looking for you. Always bring my shirts here.
Maxwell: Amazing...

Chief: Max, this is a suicide mission. Whoever goes, will probably never come back.
Maxwell: Yes, well, whoever it is, Chief, let's wish him good luck.
Chief: Good luck, Max.

Harry: Tell me, Mr. Smart, how you think murder was committed?
Maxwell: Two possibilities. One: he was killed by a 22 caliber pistol at long range by a short man who was a stranger to him.
Harry: Or?
Maxwell: He was killed at close range by a knife used by a woman he knew who was over six feet tall.
Harry: Amazing...

Chief: California is expecting an earthquake. Now this is the perfect alibi for KAOS: they blow California into the ocean and everybody will blame it on the earthquake.
Agent: But Chief, if that were to happen...
Chief: That's right, 99, it would be a disaster.
Maxwell: And some disaster! Just think, Ronald Reagan would have to go back to making movies again!

Maxwell: It says here the mummy of the Egyptian King Tut the fourth is due to arrive in the United States today.
Chief: Oh really? When is his daddy due?
Maxwell: No, Max, this mummy, King Tut the fourth is dead.
Chief: Oh. And you want me to find out who killed him?
Maxwell: Max, he died more than three thousand years ago.
Chief: Oh, that's bad Chief, it's gonna be very difficult to round up witnesses.

Luden: You and your serum! Let's torture!

Larabee: We've intercepted a message from the Bulmanian Embassy.
Chief: [stands up] Good work, Larabee, where is it?
Larabee: I swallowed it.
Chief: You what?
Larabee: I had to, I was being followed. But I read it before I swallowed it, Chief.
Chief: Good. What did it say?
Larabee: I don't know, it was in code.
Chief: And you didn't understand it?
Larabee: I could understood part of it, Chief, the part that was written in English.
Chief: And what did that say?
Larabee: Swallow this, if you're being followed.

Maxwell: Look Phoebe, I didn't want to tell you this but it's for your own good
[checks if no one is listening]
Maxwell: Hymie is a cybernaut.
Phoebe: Uncle Max, I'm ashamed of you. A person's religion doesn't make any difference.

Big: Doc, Doc, no matter what the outside world may thing about me, among my peers I'm considered a well meaning, good natured slob.

#: I hope these disguises work, Max.
Maxwell: Don't worry, 99, my own mother wouldn't recognize me. Of course I'm not expecting my mother today.

Maxwell: The old bug in the rug trick and we fell for it!

Senator: Mr. Smart, how many arrests did Control make last year?
Maxwell: I don't know.
Senator: Who's the number one man in your organization?
Maxwell: I don't know.
Senator: How many cases were assigned to Control last year?
Maxwell: I don't know.
Senator: What would you do if you were fired, Mr. Smart?
Maxwell: They can't fire me.
Senator: And why not?
Maxwell: I know too much.

Victor: I sympathize with you. I too require constant stoking of the human furnace to function properly.

Chief: Turn in your shoes, Max. I think the wrist communicator will be more effective.
Maxwell: Gee whizz, Chief, I still have 16 message units left this month.

Maxwell: I don't know what's the matter with me. I used to have such a brilliant mind, quick and incisive. Now I can barely remember my own name.
#: Think, Max think!
Maxwell: Max! That's it, that's my name.

Agent: Do you think that's our contact over there?
Maxwell: We'll know in a minute, 99, I'll give 'em the password.
Maxwell: [walks up to golfer] Hi there!
Fargo: Hello.
Maxwell: He's our man. I'm 86, she's 99.
Fargo: Say, you two have some handicaps!
Maxwell: No, we're the Control agents that you asked to see. Aren't you Fred Fargo?
Fargo: No, I'm Frank Fargo.
Maxwell: Frank Fargo? But we were supposed to meet Fred Fargo.
Fargo: Fred Fargo is my sister in law Frieda's father. Furthermore, he flew to Frankfurt, Friday.

Maxwell: Now that we're alone, I wanna give you a last chance to give yourselves up. There's still time for you to take your place in society as normal, decent invisible men... and women.

Siegfried: [Siegfried has announced he is leaving KAOS] Twenty years I have been with them. Stealing, robbing, lying, killing, murdering. Und what did I get out of it? Nothing! Just a lot of fun.

Maxwell: 99, what are you doing here?
Agent: Max, I wanted to make sure you were alright.
Maxwell: I'm fine, 99, Now you'd better get out of here before my wife sees you.
Agent: Max! I'm you're wife!
Maxwell: Yes, I know that, 99 I mean my other wife.

Maxwell: Excuse me for laughing into your hand, Mr. Iron Face, but the plans that you're talking about happen to be on a plane on their way to a top secret location.
Ironhand: Where?
Maxwell: Okinawa

Chief: Max, come here.
[Max steps forward]
Chief: Now which one is the prince?
Maxwell: Uh, I'm not sure Chief, but there is one way to find out.
Chief: How?
Maxwell: Number 1, what's your name?
Le: [Impersonating the Prince] My name is Prince Abu Ben Bubi.
Maxwell: Number 2, what's your name?
Prince: My name is Prince Abu Ben Bubi.
Maxwell: Number 3?
Agent: Hm?
Maxwell: How many wives do you have?
Chief: Max, stop it. There is only one way to find out who is really the prince.
Maxwell: Right, Chief. Will the real Prince Abu Ben Bubee step forward?
Chief: No, Max! The real prince is the one with the real beard. I'll start with number 1.
[They get into a tackle not long before Max gets out of it and manages to shoot Le Moco]

Hotel: Is this the patient?
Chief: Yes he is.
Maxwell: He's been shot.
Hotel: I'm a doctor, I'll make the diagnosis.

Maxwell: It must be very gratifying, Dr. Noodelman, to give people new hope, a new life.
Dr. Noodelman: He who is blessed with a gift and does not share it lives in darkness.
Maxwell: I must remember that. I'm getting a little tired of 'a coward dies a thousand deaths'.

[Max suddenly shoots a window washer]
Agent: Max, what did you do?
Maxwell: Just eliminated a Kaos agent.
Agent: Well, how could you be sure?
Maxwell: Because, 99, my eagle eye picked out a few things that the ordinary person might not see. First of all, his sponge was absolutely filthy. Second, he was using horizontal strokes instead of vertical strokes. And finally, he was holding his squeegee with an overlapping lacrosse grip.
Agent: Besides, it's raining, and window washers don't work in the rain.
Maxwell: I wasn't finished, 99.
Agent: Sorry, Max.
Maxwell: Besides, it's raining, and window washers don't work in the rain.
Agent: Good thinking, Max.

Maxwell: I'm not eating any more of this stuff.
[gets up from the table with the mouse]
Chief: Where are you going?
Maxwell: I'm gonna dump it in this plant over here.
[goes back to table and sits down]
Maxwell: No, I'd better not it might kill it.
Chief: That's a plastic plant.
Maxwell: I know but it might kill it anyway.

Maxwell: Yes, well, where would you like to go?
Princess: Your place...
Maxwell: My place. Well, there's no real historical, er, significance to my place.
Princess: Hmmm. there could be...

Maxwell: Of course! The old mortar in the rocks in the 14th hole trick.

Maxwell: Well, that just about wraps it up, 99. Haskell and Ehrlich are on the way to prison, the Chief likes Ehrlich's hat and once again the forces of virtue have triumphed over the forces of rottenness.

Maxwell: You're wasting your time, Guru. I've trained my mind to go completely blank any time I want it to.
#: [dancing to the Sacred Cow's hypnotic groove] That's right, he can do that!

Hymie: The last thing I remember I was in the lab oiling my teeth.
Maxwell: Oiling your teeth?
Hymie: I oil my teeth twice a day and see a mechanic every six months. I have a tendency to rust.

Maxwell: [speaking on a fire hydrant phone] Hello Control? This is Maxwell Smart. No, Smart. S as in splendid, M as in marvelous, A as in...

Duval: Go and kill.
Duval: [shouting as the wax Wolfman leaves] And don't come home late! You know how I worry.

Maxwell: [explaining to 99 why there is another woman in their apartment] When I brought Dr. Canyon home, I thought he'd be a short, fat, baldheaded little old scientist, I never dreamed for one single moment that it would turn out to be this lushious beautiful gorgeous woman that you see before you.
Maxwell: I don't think I explained that too good.

Maxwell: Who is it, Madre?
C. Errol Madre: It's Goldmouth.
Maxwell: The Senator from Arizona?
C. Errol Madre: The Bandito!

Larabee: 86, the Chief...
Maxwell: Hold it, hold it, Larabee. Who wrote Little Women?
Larabee: The play or the TV special?
Maxwell: It was a play?

99: Max! How in the world did you do it?
Maxwell: The old inflatable head in the cloak trick, 99.

Chief: KAOS broke in here and ransacked my office.
Maxwell: But I don't understand, Chief. KAOS has never been able to penetrate Control headquarters before.
Chief: That'll give you some idea of what we're up against now. This man who took over KAOS is cunning, diabolical, ingenious.
Maxwell: But there's one thing he's not.
Chief: What's that?
Maxwell: Neat.

Maxwell: What do you got there?
#: Oh this is Control's latest anti-personnel weapon. It's an electronic mosquito. If we get captured, we release it and it attacks the enemy viciously.
Maxwell: Killing them?
#: No, but it keeps them so busy scratching that we can get away.

Airport: Pardon, monsieur, are you perhaps an American tourist?
Maxwell: Tremendous guess!
Airport: Well, you are dressed a little strangely. After all, the eh, temperature here is 101 degrees.
Maxwell: Oh really? Well I find it quite chilly.
Airport: I find that hard to believe, monsieur.
Maxwell: Would you believe comfortably cool?
Airport: I don't think so.
Maxwell: How do the words "heat prostration" grab ya?

#: Oh, Max, the lab men asked me to bring you this belt to wear to the party tonight.
Maxwell: Oh, thank you, 99.
#: It's the latest piece of special equipment. The buckle contains a minuscule tape recorder.
Maxwell: What?
#: Minuscule. Diminutive. Microcosmic.
Maxwell: Heh. You certainly have a way with words, 99.
[turns to the Chief for further explanation]
Chief: Teensy weensy.

Maxwell: It's alright if I have a last drink, Isn't it?
Mr. Peter: Of course. A man like you should die gallantly.
Maxwell: That's the way I always die, fat man.

Chief: I have a surprise for you.
[hands Max a note that says 'Mike hidden']
Maxwell: You're kidding! That's unbelievable! I haven't seen him in years, Mike Hiddeman.

Chief: Doctor, what's wrong?
Dr. Mangle: Well, he's had a slight concussion. His memory has become affected.
Chief: Max, it's me, the Chief.
Maxwell: The Chief? Well you don't look like an Indian to me.
#: Max!
[grabs his shoulder]
Maxwell: Please madam, who are you?
#: I'm 99!
Maxwell: Well, you look pretty good for your age.

Ann: What do you know about Paul John Mondebello?
Maxwell: He's the head of the Creative Entertainment buro. That's a theatrical agency which is actually a front for KAOS. Hmm, he's the best agent in showbusiness.
Ann: Mondebello is vicious, cunning and deceiving.
Maxwell: That's what I just said. He's the best agent in showbusiness.

Maxwell: [Max is not convinced 99 is really 99] Well, we're getting married on Saturday morning, and I warn you: if I find out on our wedding night that you're really the Chameleon, you're paying for half the room.

Chief: Uh, Miss Heinschmidt, do you think you could identify the men who tried to kidnap you last night?
Miss U.S.A.: I'm afraid not. It was dark. I couldn't see.
Maxwell: Well, I can confirm that, Chief. Last night was a very dark night!

Captain: Mr. Smart, I can vouch for my crew. I know each man as though he were my own brother. Why, they're the pick of the scum of Europe.

Miss U.S.A.: Golly, gee! That wasn't very nice, was it?
Maxwell: No it wasn't. But I must say that you've handled yourself very well, Tisha. In the midst of all this violence and horror and deceit.
Miss U.S.A.: Well, after all it is my third beauty contest.

Maxwell: That's right, Armstrong: the old fake fingertips on the fire escape trick.

Maxwell: [as Max tunes the car, Chief is wrestling with a KAOS agent, whose gun goes off] You're getting a backfire!

Larrabee: How's the formula for the antidote going, Dr. Steel?
Dr. Steel: Hmm.
Chief: Looks pretty hopeless, but she's working on it.
Larrabee: Is there anything I can do to help?
Chief: Can you dance?
Larrabee: I don't think so.
Chief: Then forget it.

Ben: My name is Ben Gazzman. I guess you'd call me an adventurer. I go about the world drinking, loving, driving fast cars. Trying to crowd as many experiences as I can into my life. See, the doctor told me I only have two years to live.
Harry: When did he tell you that?
Ben: 1944.

Maxwell: You'll never get away with this, Savage!
Savage: Oh, why Mr. Smart?
Maxwell: Because, at this very minute, 25 CONTROL agents are converging on this building. Would you believe it? 25 CONTROL agents!
Savage: I find that hard to beleive.
Maxwell: Would you believe 2 squad cars and a motorcycle cop?
Savage: I don't think so.
Maxwell: How about a vicious street cleaner and a toothless police dog?

Maxwell: That's right, 99. After all, Mr. Gaffer is still one of the best. He's my idol. Did you know that Mr. Gaffer once captured 10 killers armed with machine guns? Would you believe it? 10 killers with machine guns!
Agent: I find that very hard to believe.
Maxwell: Would you believe 4 killers with knives?
Agent: I don't think so.
Herbert: How about a mean little kid with a pea shooter?

Chief: [pushes button on intercom] What is it, Larabee?
Larabee: [on other line] How did you know it was me, Chief?
Chief: Never mind that, Larabee, what are you buzzing me for?
Larabee: The CIA and FBI just called. They want you to tune in on TV channel 51.
Chief: [breaks off connection] Channel 51, that's the educational spy channel.

99: Max, what did you find out?
Maxwell: I found out something very important, 99.
99: What is it, Max?
Maxwell: A human being can't live in a base drum.

Maxwell: Wait a minute, Sid, those girls look like KAOS.
Sid: Yeah, yeah, chaos!
Maxwell: You don't understand what I'm talking about, they look like spies.
Sid: Sure, sure they're spies. Maybe one of them will try to kiss me to death and I'll have to sign for help.

99: How can you move around an island this size?
Siegfried: I don't suppose you've seen the back of this island, have you?
Maxwell: No, why?
Siegfried: We have the biggest outboard motor you ever saw!
Starker: The biggest!
[imitates motor sound]
Siegfried: Starker! This is KAOS! We don't
[imitates sound]
Siegfried: here!

Maxwell: The Chief would have been here himself to welcome you, but I'm sure that he'll join us... eh... as soon as he's had his nap.
[realizing he said too much]
Delegate: His nap?
Maxwell: Eh... N.A.P. National Area Program reports
[rolls eyes with relief]

#: What else can Hondo do?
Hondo: Hondo's greatest trick is keeping twin engine plane from taking off.
#: How do you do that?
Hondo: I break pilot's legs.

Chief: Now, here is my plan. And I'm glad we're not in my office or you'd insist on our using the Cone of Silence.
Maxwell: Oh, I've already taken measures for that, Chief. I brought along the portable Cone of Silence, it was in my car.

Sid: [Max has just killed three KAOs men with a single shot] Max! How did you get 'em all three?
Sid: [Max holds up a gun with three barrels and one trigger] The old three way gun trick!

Hans: As you can see, Mr. Smart, my trophy collection includes one of almost every kind of animal... Except one. You. A homo sapien.
Maxwell: Now just a minute, Hunter, I'm as normal as you are.
#: What about me, Hunter?
Hans: I have other plans for you, my dear. I hope that you will stay on here as my permanent... guest.
#: I'd rather take my chances in the jungle with Max.
Hans: Very loyal my dear, and very stupid.
Maxwell: We're Control agents, Hunter. We're trained to be very loyal and very stupid.

Maxwell: Tisha, there's an organization of shrewd determined men who've been trying to get control of this country for a number of years. Perhaps you've heard of them?
Miss U.S.A.: Oh, you mean the Republicans?
Chief: No. We mean KAOS.
Miss U.S.A.: KAOS?
Maxwell: Yes. a monstrous organization of evil, dedicated to the destruction of the free world and the systematic subjugation of every man, woman and child on this planet.
Miss U.S.A.: Oh, my daddy wouldn't work for them, he hates to see children subjugated.

Chief: Max, be reasonable. How could a girl drown in a phone booth?
Maxwell: How do I know? Maybe she couldn't swim.

Maxwell: [Chief's car won't turn over] You know, I don't claim to be an expert on these things, but I'm willing to make a large wager that I know just where the trouble is.
Chief: Where, Max?
Maxwell: In the engine.
Chief: [sarcastically] Good thinking, you wanna take a look there?
Maxwell: Where?
Chief: In the engine!

Maxwell: Sorry Chief, but don't ever pull a handkerchief on a friend.

Maxwell: What is your usual cover anyway?
Samuels: Would you believe a Jewish song and dance man?

Chief: We don't know who they're going to impersonate next. So none of us is safe. We can't take any chances.
Maxwell: [pulls out a gun] All right, that's it! Stay right where you are, nobody move!
Agent: Max!
Chief: What are you doing?
Maxwell: Just checking you out, Mister. If you really are the Chief of Control, prove it.
Chief: Put it away.
Maxwell: I'm not putting anything away until I'm completely satisified that you're not an imposter!
Chief: If you don't put it away in exactly two seconds, you're fired.
Maxwell: I'm completely satisfied.

Earl: Mr. Vogel? I'm Earl Kibbee, certified public accountant, notary public, and murderer.
[hands over his card]
Karl: You admit to being a murderer?
Earl: I have to, it's on the card.

#: Of course! The old bomb in the snacktruck trick, that's it!

Maxwell: And so it must always end... for those who use the human brain for evil... instead of friendliness.

Maxwell: Well, that's the end of Mr. Big. If only he could have turned his evil genius into... niceness.

Maxwell: But what you didn't know, is that 99 and I were following you to Drago's place in a Control tracking car, did you?
Professor: Not until I caught you in my rear-view mirror.
Maxwell: When was that?
Professor: Just after you crashed into the rear end of my car.

Gunman: Smart's in there all right.
Nancy: Yes, the Maestro was right he's going after that little black book.
Gunman: Hm. He's gonna have to settle for a little black box. I need him to make this week's quotum.

Agent: [Max is about to jump and climb over a wall] I'm gonna have a baby, Max.
Maxwell: A baby?
[runs straight through the wall]

Maxwell: Phoebe, I want you to forget about Hymie.
Phoebe: But uncle Max, I think I'm in love with him.
Maxwell: But Phoebe, you don't know anything about him. You don't know anything about his background and believe me, it's a strange one.
Phoebe: I wouldn't care if he came from a... junkyard.
Maxwell: Funny you should put it that way.
Phoebe: Besides, a man's background is not important, it's what's inside that counts.
Maxwell: Would you be surprised...

Parker: [describing the layout of the ship Max is due to travel on] Well, the Evening Star's cargo is divided into two compartments. In this compartment, there are about 900 tons of bananas.
[his expression becomes serious]
Parker: Oh, boy. If this wall in between the bananas and the other compartment ever breaks down, there'll be real trouble.
Maxwell: Why? What's in the other compartment?
Parker: 3,000 monkeys.
Maxwell: 3,000 monkeys?
[Parker nods]
Maxwell: Now, wait a minute, Professor Parker. How many bananas would that be to a monkey?
Parker: Oh, well, it would depend on how hungry each monkey would be and...
Maxwell: Well, wouldn't it also depend upon how large the bananas were?
[Parker nods in agreement]
Maxwell: Then if the monkeys...
Chief: [breaking in] Gentlemen, forget about the monkeys!

Siegfried: [In reaction to his sidekick, Starker, making some silly noise yet again during his presentation] Starker! This is KAOS; we don't
[makes a weak version of Starker's noise]
Siegfried: here!

Maxwell: Alright, men. The eyes of the free world are on you today. So I want you to remember to keep your heads and your shorts up.

Siegfried: As one bad guy to one good guy I promise you we shall meet again, Smart!

C. Errol Madre: [using his 'burro hoof' phone] 2150 to Headquarters!

Maxwell: That's the second biggest silencer I ever saw.

Herbert: [glad to see the pigeon Smart is carrying in a cage] Aha, I see you've reached Control headquarters.
Maxwell: Yes, but it's been a long time since we received a message by carrier pigeon.
Herbert: Well, we're a little old fashioned here in Spy City, after all, this is a retirement home for secret agents.
Maxwell: Yes. Is this pigeon also retired?
Herbert: Not yet!
Maxwell: Well he should be, he couldn't find his way back here.

#: Max, look.
[gasps]
#: He's been shot in the back at close range.
Maxwell: Hm. Committed suicide.
#: That's impossible Max.
Maxwell: Hm. You're right, there's no gun.

Maxwell: Wait a minute, Chief. Look: the old bug in the towel trick!

Jason: Did you call her '99'?
Maxwell: Yes I did.
Jason: May I ask why?
Maxwell: I don't know her name.

Agent: Oh, 86 will you do me a favor?
Maxwell: What?
Agent: Eh, you won't tell the Chief that my mother's a spy, will ya?
Maxwell: Well, ok, but why?
Agent: I don't think she's on our side.

#: Oh Max, the funeral of a double agent is a sad thing.
Maxwell: Yes, particularly in this case. Johan was working for both KAOS and Control. Now part of him is up there and part of him is down there.

Agent: Max... you were wonderful!
Maxwell: No 99, the real credit belongs to these toys. After all, we had at our disposal every fiendish and destructive plaything ever devised for the pleasure of little children. Those poor devils, all they had were real guns and bullets.

Maxwell: Natz! So you're behind this!
Mr. Natz: I've been waiting for this for a long time, Smart. I never got a chance to show you how grateful I am for those ten long years I spend in prison.
Maxwell: You call this gratitude?

Maxwell: Wait a minute, Chief, there's a guy up there with a gun on us, who has the same set of fingerprints as Adrian Listenger!

Chief: [Agent Q has shattered a mirror with the sound of his voice] That'll be 40 dollars for the mirror, not to mention the 7 years bad luck.
[walks off]
Agent: That started yesterday.

Maxwell: [transporting Big Eddie Little to prison by walking a marathon] Well, it won't be long now, Big Eddie. Tomorrow at this time it will be all over for you.
Big: Yeah. The judge once told me that some day I'd walk the last mile. If he had told me I'd have to walk fifty miles to get to the last mile, I'd had gone straight.

Maxwell: Eh, well, Chief, I guess I deserve a little congratulations for this.
Chief: Yes Max, you did a fine job.
Maxwell: Fine job?
Chief: Yes.
Maxwell: Well you could be a little more enthusiastic than that, Chief. After all, I'm a hero! I deserve a medal for this.
Chief: A medal?
Maxwell: Yes, don't you realize what I've done? I've made the world safe for German scientists!

Naomi: I can't get over how many locks you have on your door.
99: Oh well, Max leaves me alone a lot and he likes to think that I'm safe.
Naomi: Oh well, you're lucky to have a husband who cares. When Emil goes out, he leaves the key on top of the mat.

Chief: [the Chief has been demoted to agent and Max has been named chief] Just a moment. I don't think we should call you Chief from now on, that woudn't be proper. Eh, what was your old number?
Chief: Q.
Chief: Q?
Chief: Yes, I was an agent before they switched to numbers.

Maxwell: Well, your honor, my case is complete. This is your villain. This is your culprit
[the Cowboy draws a gun]
Maxwell: and this is his gun.

Chief: [on phone in office] Max, does the name Montague Leach mean anything to you?
Maxwell: [on house phone in Roman Spa] It certainly does, Chief. He's the drummer with The Electric Hare.
Chief: No, Max, he's not a drummer with The Electric Hare.
Maxwell: He left the group?

Maxwell: [Max and 99, both dressed as Charlie Chaplin are trapped in a room with KAOS agents trying to break in at either side] 99, there's something I have to tell you.
#: What is it, Max?
Maxwell: Well, we've known each other for a long time and well, we've been through a lot of things together.
#: Go on, Max.
Maxwell: Well, It's just that I... well I have to tell ya how I really feel about you. I wanted to... tell ya for a long, long time but I just... well I've never been able to find the right words. You see 99, it's not easy to say... well, it's not easy to say...
#: To say I love you, Max?
Maxwell: Yes.
#: Well why don't you let me say it for you: I love you, Max.
Maxwell: No, no, 99, that's not want I want to say, I wanted to say I love you 99.
#: I know. I'm saying I love you too, Max.
Maxwell: You do?
#: I always have.
[they kiss passionately]

Ambassador: [toasting] To my faithful valet and trusted friend. May you be happy for the rest of your life.
Waterhouse: Thank you, sir.
[Waterhouse downs his glass of wine, but The Ambassador only sniffs his]
Ambassador: And as for you, widow Waterhouse.
Mrs. Waterhouse: But, sir, I am not a widow.
[her husband chokes and falls down]

Maxwell: Just a minute, Hunter. You don't really think we'd be stupid enough to come here alone, do ya?
Hans: What do you mean?
Maxwell: Just this. In a very short while, General Crawford and a hundred of his crack paratroopers will come crashing into this landing.
[Hunter begins to snicker]
Maxwell: Would you believe J. Edgar Hoover and ten of his G-men?
[Hunter laughs louder]
Maxwell: How about Tarzan and a couple of his apes?
Hans: [after another chuckle or two Hunter becomes serious] Get moving.
Maxwell: Bomba the Jungle boy?

Chief: How in the world did you men find us?
Deliveryman: Well, we stopped at a gas station, and I asked a man, eh, if he could tell us how to get to eh, Control headquarters.
Chief: And he knew?
Deliveryman: No, he didn't know. But, eh, there were a couple of kids putting air in their bicycle tires, and, eh, they knew.

Maxwell: Take my watch as security.
Agent: Yeah, well, I don't know, 86...
[starts examining it]
Maxwell: It's a perfectly good watch!
Agent: Look at that, one of Mickey Mouse' hands is broken.

Maxwell: Now it's easy for the prosecuting attorney to stand up here and accuse me of all these horrible crimes. It's easy for him, he's got proof. But what about me?

Stueben: I'm going to say a word, and then you respond with the first word that comes into your mind. Are you readdy?
[Max nods]
Stueben: Boy.
Maxwell: Girl.
Stueben: Black.
Maxwell: White.
Stueben: Win.
Maxwell: Lose.
Stueben: Very good.
Maxwell: Very bad.
Stueben: Stop!
Maxwell: Go.
Stueben: No, no!
Maxwell: Yes, yes.
Stueben: [Steuben puts his hands over Max' mouth to shut him up] All right?
Maxwell: [Steuben releases Max and goes back to sit behind his desk] All wrong.

Maxwell: Well then you must be Ravel Roualle, eh, Roual Rall, Ruwoll... You must be the genius responsible for all this?
Duval: I am the genius, yes, but my name is Raoul Duval.
Maxwell: Well, what did I say?
Duval: I do not dare attempt it, monsieur, it could destroy my speech pattern for months.

Attorney: [swearing in Sid Krimm as a temporary Control deputy] I want you to raise your right foot
[raises his right foot]
Attorney: and repeat after me.
Sid: [raises right foot] Why do I have to raise my right foot?
Attorney: Because it's an underground organization.

Chief: Max, this will undoubtedly be the most dangerous mission you've ever gone on. You probably won't get back alive.
Maxwell: If you're trying to scare me, Chief, you're wasting your time. I don't know the meaning of the word fear.
Chief: You'll have to parachute from six thousand feet.
Maxwell: I think I just learned it.

Siegfried: Tell me, Starker, who does Major Kessler remind you of?
Starker: Hans Gruber?
Siegfried: Nein, nein, an American.
Starker: Micky Gruber.
Siegfried: Don't push it, Starker.

Maxwell: I get it, Chief. You want me to find out how they're doing it.
Chief: No, I think the key to this is to find out who is doing it.
Maxwell: Oh. Right. Now, if I find out how they're doing it, then I will know who is doing it.
#: Why?
Maxwell: Hmm?
#: Why?
Maxwell: Eh... yes, why, Chief?
Chief: Why what?
Maxwell: Eh, why if I find out how they're doing it, will I know who is doing it?
Chief: Because if you find out who is doing it and how they're doing it, it stands to reason you'll find out why they're doing it.
Maxwell: [to 99] That's why.
[turns back to the Chief]
Maxwell: When?
Chief: You can go now, Max.

Maxwell: [during dashing swordfight] You look pained, Rupert.
Rupert: You're standing on my foot.

Maxwell: [Max is about to be drawn and quartered] I wouldn't be too sure about that because at this very moment, this entire area is being surrounded by a hundred highway patrolmen with Doberman pinschers.
Brute: Like I don't dig, man.
Maxwell: Would you dig four deputies and a bloodhound?
Brute: Still don't dig.
Maxwell: Then how 'bout a Boy Scout with rabies?
Brute: You don't grab me baby. Well, see you in other parts man. And I do mean parts.

Maxwell: Give a man an inch and right away he thinks he's a ruler.

Dr. Mangle: Prepare the hypodermic.
Nurse: The death serum?
Dr. Mangle: Yes. And sterilize the needle.
Dr. Mangle: Sterilize the needle? But if we're gonna kill 'em...
Dr. Mangle: Nurse, I may be working for KAOS, but I'm still a doctor.

Maxwell: I must be getting old, 99.
#: Why do you say that?
Maxwell: To fall for the old hideout under the car-wash trick.

Agent: [being shot at] Max, what's that?
Maxwell: He's hitting the fertilizer bags above us.
Agent: What are you doing?
Maxwell: I'm going to turn this fan on.
Agent: What good's that going to do, Max?
Maxwell: Well, when the fertilizer hits the fan, it's going to blow all over the place and give us a chance to get away.
Agent: Good thinking, Max!

Maxwell: Hello, operator? Now listen to me and listen carefully... I want you to get me a special Washington phone number. This is a top secret number. Only a few people know it. I want you to forget it the minute that I tell it to you. The number is 628-3097.
Telephone: Oh, you want CONTROL. One moment, please.
Chief: Hello?
Maxwell: Hello, Chief? Uh, this is Max. Uh, listen, Chief, you want to hear something funny? I'm drowning in a phone booth.
Chief: Drowning in a phone booth?
Maxwell: Yes, Chief. You see, what I told you about Mrs. Sloan, that was right. She didn't... she didn't drown in the river.
#: Max, please tell him where we are.
Maxwell: Oh, right, 99. Uh, Chief, I think we're gonna need... I think we're gonna need help in a hurry.
Chief: Where are you, Max?
Maxwell: Uh...
[the call is cut off]
Telephone: I'm sorry, your time is up. Insert ten cents more, please.
Maxwell: But operator, I don't have any more change, and this is a matter of life and death.
Telephone: That's what they all say, sir.

Maxwell: Well, how about a little of that wine I promised you? I had it imported. From Napa Valley, California.
Janet: Lips that touch wine will never touch mine.
Maxwell: Oh, well that might make drinking this a little difficult
[puts away bottle]

Maxwell: [Max has accidentally locked the Chief in a safe] Don't worry, 99 I'm used to dealing with big babies like this, I'll have him out in two shakes of a lambs tail.
Maxwell: [turns the lock and tries to open the door, nothing happens] Would you believe three shakes?

Chief: José Vargas is going to be in Washington this week. He'll only be here two days and I wanted to be here to see him.
Maxwell: Well I hardly think that a Spanish flamenco dancer is more important than my honeymoon.
Chief: Max, José Vargas is a member of the Spanish Secret Service.
Maxwell: Oh that José Vargas, well he's a member of the S.S.S.
Chief: The S.S.S., S.S.S.
Maxwell: The S.S.S., S.S.S., S.S.S?
Chief: The Spanish Secret Service Strategic Security Staff.
Maxwell: Of course. The Spanish Securita Saff, seeve, secret service, secret Spanish staff, the - he's one of those Spanish spies, Chief. The fellow with the little mustache and the big Chihuahua.
Chief: No Max, the little Chihuahua. Big mustache.
Maxwell: His little Chihuahua has a big mustache?

Rupert: Very clever, your majesty. The old sever the cord on the lamp trick.

Maxwell: Listen, I once knew a guy who had a knife in his heart, and lived, for 15 years! Would you believe it? 15 years!
Cowboy: That's hard to believe.
Maxwell: Would you believe 15 minutes?
Cowboy: I don't think so.
Maxwell: How about a pin in his nose?
Cowboy: You're just trying to cheer me up.

Maxwell: Gee, I wish there was some way we could get Fang back on active duty.
Agent: So do I, I know he's bored with that desk job Control gave him.
Maxwell: Yes, well I don't blame him. How would you like to sit around checking evidence and then burying it?

#: Max! How did you do that?
Maxwell: Surprised he fell for it. The old gun in the flashlight trick.

Badeff: You like that, Mr. Wilcox? Are you certain you're a music lover?
Maxwell: Well, of course I am. Why, do you know that I once listened to 3 straight weeks of Beethoven? Would you believe it? 3 weeks of Beethoven!
Badeff: I find that hard to believe.
Maxwell: Would you believe 2 weeks of Bach?
Badeff: I don't think so.
Maxwell: How about an hour of Looney Tunes?

Maxwell: I beg your pardon, sir, but can you tell me how I can get to the London Palladium?
Man: The London Palladium? Certainly. Now, listen carefully. You go two blocks to Chelsea Place, then left to Ambley Lane, sharp right, three blocks till you come to a chemist's shop. Then you turn right for two blocks till you come to Leicester Square, right two blocks more, and there it is-- the Palladium. Have you got that?
Maxwell: Not all of it.
Man: Oh? Which part didn't you get?
Maxwell: The part after "Now, listen carefully."

Chief: [99 has made sure Max does not accompany the Princess back home] You wrote that report, didn't you?
Agent: Em... yes sir. I, em, I just wanted to save Max from embarrassment. He gets seasick.
Chief: In a plane?
Agent: If it flies over water...

Maxwell: [to Siegfried] If you're so smart, how come you lost two world wars?

Devonshire: You thought?
[thumps statue of a panther with his fist]
Devonshire: KAOS doesn't pay you to think, you men were send here to obey.

Alexi: [impersonating the Chief] I don't think I need you, I can question Tanya myself.
99: Chief, you know Control's rule on interrogation: never interrogate a female subject without another agent present.
Alexi: Who made that rule?
99: Your wife!

Larabee: [keeping tabs on a tail] Chief, the cab is headed for the bus terminal.
Chief: So far, so good. Now, if we just don't get a bad break.
Larabee: Smart's covering the bus terminal.
Chief: That's it.
Larabee: That's what?
Chief: The bad break.

Chief: Mary, I don't mean to pry, but how did a nice girl like you ever get into this rotten business?
Mary: Well Thaddeus, it's a living.

Maxwell: Sorry gang, I don't usually bust in on people like this and squeeze their olives, but this is an emergency.

Siegfried: Between romance und fear we could rule eight eights of the world.
Shtarker: Why not the whole world?
Siegfried: Don't push it, Shtarker.

Chief: [Larabee has destroyed a phone with the bowlingball stuck to his hand] Larabee, you smashed the hot-line, how am I going to get the President?
Larabee: I'll get him for ya, Chief.
[walks over to wall, pushes button to slide it open revealing a window behind it that overlooks the White House]
Larabee: [shouting] Mister President!
Chief: Larabee, you can't call the President that way.
Mr. President: [off screen] What do you want?

King: How are you?
Maxwell: Terrible.
King: The scepter, don't tell me someone has stolen the scepter?
Maxwell: No, no, the scepter is safely hidden. This is something personal, I can't talk about it.
[after a beat]
Maxwell: My wife has been unfaithful to me.
King: Good heavens, with who?
Maxwell: With me.
King: With you? I don't think I understand.
Maxwell: To think I broke up my own marriage.

Rupert: [Rupert's henchman Otto uncovers a vat of molten bronze] And now I'm going to throw you and King Charles both into the pit, where your likenesses will be preserved permanently in bronze.
Maxwell: Couldn't you just do our baby shoes?
Rupert: Otto, start mixing.
[Otto picks up a stirring paddle]
Maxwell: Wait a minute, Rupert. The scepter is in the embassy room, but it's carefully hidden.
Rupert: Otto, stop mixing. Where is it hidden, Mr. Smart?
Maxwell: I refuse to say.
Rupert: Otto, start mixing.
Maxwell: Hold it a second, Rupert. I have a proposition.
Rupert: Otto, stop mixing. What's the proposition?
Maxwell: You release the king and set us both free. We'll take the scepter and turn you over to the police.
Rupert: What kind of proposition is that?
Maxwell: Otto, start mixing.

Maxwell: [having been kissed passionately by Tanya] Well, I think I'd like to unpack my room, if you'll just show me to my bag.

Maxwell: There's one thing you've overlooked.
Beastmaster: Oh?
Maxwell: You see, you can't leave us alone in this room.
Beastmaster: And why not?
Maxwell: Because, as soon as you're gone, by the use of sheer brute strength, I shall be able to rip these chains from the wall in one minute! Would you believe it? 1 minute!
Beastmaster: I find that hard to believe.
Maxwell: Would you believe two minutes?
Beastmaster: I don't think so.
Maxwell: How about a week from Tuesday?

Maxwell: Just a minute, Listenger, there's one thing I'd like to know: why did you kill all those Control agents on the baseball team?
Ace: Because you guys were mean to me and cruel to me and you were always throwing baseballs at me.
Maxwell: But you were the catcher!

Chief: Gentlemen, as of this moment, all members of control are on Magenta alert.

Maxwell: [wrapped up in mummy bandages] Doctor, do you have a band-aid?

Chief: This morning I received a phone call that may change the destiny of our entire organization. Weeknews magazine is going to do a feature story on us.
Maxwell: Weeknews magazine?
Chief: They picked us over Eddie Fisher, Ho Chi Minh and the President's grandson.
#: Do you think publicity is such a good idea, Chief?
Maxwell: Well of course it is. The CIA is in the newspapers all the time and the FBI has its own television show. We're the only secret organization in the world that nobody ever heard of.

Chief: [on phone] Now, you're just going to have to go in there and face those viscious, hungry, man-eating lions. But Max...
Maxwell: [on other line] Yes Chief?
Chief: Don't take any unnecessary risks.

Frank: [referring to Maxwell Smart] If that man is who I think he is, you got get rid of him.
Carlos: You know how I hate to fire anyone. Couldn't I just kill him?

Agent: [Max is peeking through the front door peephole after a knock on the door... 99 enters] Max, is that Mr. Bob?
Maxwell: I can't tell.
Agent: Well, is it a man or a woman?
Maxwell: That's it, I can't tell.
Agent: Well, that's him!
[opens door]
Mr. Bob: [enters] Hi! I'm Mr. Bob!
Maxwell: How do you do. I'm Mr. Max.

Agent: It's just that sometimes I wish you were just an ordinary businessman.
Maxwell: Well, 99, we are what we are. I'm a secret agent, trained to be cold, vicious, and savage. Not enough to be a businessman.

Chief: Good grief, 99 you look... 99.

Maxwell: [the intelligence report by way of a top secret relay rock proves inconclusive] Well, either our boys are lying down on the job, or this rock is a forgery.
Agent: No, that's the official Control rock, Max. Look.
Maxwell: Oh yes, our name and address is on it.
Maxwell: [reads inscription] If found drop in any mailbox.

Carleton: We've developed a new pair of shoes in the lab, 86. Notice the steel-enforced toes for kicking? And inside the heels, there are secret compartments containing our latest emergency pellets.
Maxwell: Can I see it in tan?
Chief: Show him the pellets, Carleton.
Carleton: In the left heel compartment, there are two pellets. The smaller one is a concussion pellet. Now, if it's thrown up against something or activated by heat, it will blow a 10x15 foot room to smithereens.
Chief: Now, Max, do you know what this larger pill is for?
Maxwell: Larger rooms.
Chief: [rolls his eyes] Max, KAOS does have ways of making a man talk. If you are captured and if it looks really tough, this may be your one ace in the hole. This pill, when swallowed, will bring painless death in about twenty seconds. Are there any questions?
Maxwell: How do I get them to take it?
Chief: Let's get on to the next pellet.
Carleton: This... this pellet contains a very volatile liquid. When activated, it produces a thick protective smoke screen.
Chief: Now, I'm assigning Agent 99 to accompany you on this one, Max. The princess has a reputation of being a little bit wild, and I think it'll take both of you to watch her and keep her out of trouble.
Maxwell: [putting on the new shoes] Yes, well, I'm raring to go, Chief, just as soon as I get this shoe on.
[Max stands up and stomps his foot; smoke emanates from his shoe]
Maxwell: Actually, Chief, I don't think I'll be needing the smoke pellet.

Sam: Yeah, I guess you kids heard I ain't gonna be around much longer.
[coughs]
Sam: That's right, I'm making the big break.
Agent: [posing as Connie Barker] Well, we've heard that but you don't look sick.
Sam: I don't feel sick neither, but Dr. Foster said I could go for 30 days.
Agent: Is that all?
Sam: Is that all? Heheh, are you kidding? No judge was ever able to give me 30 days, heheh. Even at that I'm outliving the doc. He got killed.
Agent: What happened?
Sam: Oh right, after he told me I only had 30 days I shot him

Chief: [discussing Max' bachelor party] Alright, I'll thrown in the cake. The one that Agent 38 comes out of the cake.
Maxwell: I don't think I would like that, Chief.
Chief: Why not?
Maxwell: It's just not the same when a guy pops out of a cake.
Chief: Have you seen 38 in a bikini?

Agent: I'm sitting in a mailbox and you're telling me I don't know what it's like to be cooped up in a small room? I'd love to be cooped up in a small room. I'd give anything to to be cooped up in something as big as a small room.
Maxwell: Take it easy, 13, take it easy.
Agent: Every assignment I get I'm always locked up in something small. I'm always in a mailbox or a scale or a locker or a grandfathers clock or a tree - you know what happened when I was stationed in that tree at the rubber plantation place?
Maxwell: What?
Agent: I was tapped! Try that some time! Try standing up all night with a spigot in your stomach!

Mr. Peter: Miss Trinka is a worrier. And she would only worry if she knew that we were worried.
Maxwell: Don't give it another thought, gentlemen. I wouldn't want Trinka to worry that you were worried that she was worried. So don't worry.

Ernst: [having been stabbed in the back] Afraid I'm going to pack it in, old man.
[slumps]
Maxwell: [shakes his shoulder] I say...
Ernst: [looks up] Hmm?
Maxwell: Who is Krochanska?
Ernst: Don't think I'll live long enough to say... pity.
[packs it in]

Chief: Max, do you realize what you've done on the strength of a minor incident? You woke up the three highest ranking officers in the U.S. military, you got hundreds of planes flying in the air, you canceled thousands of leaves. That's what you've done, Max!
Maxwell: Just what are you getting at, Chief?

Parker: [discussing how Max will be contacted] Possibly with this.
[He stands, holding out a gun]
Maxwell: Oh, well, I certainly hope the message doesn't reach me.
Parker: Oh, this is no ordinary gun, Smart. This is a very cleverly disguised radio telephone. Here, let me show you.
[He passes the gun to Max and picks up another one]
Parker: What's the number on your handle?
Maxwell: 652.
Parker: [breaking open his gun and dialling into the bullet chamber] Okay. Six... five... two.
Maxwell: [his gun starts ringing] Well, what happens now?
Parker: Break it and talk into the handle.
Maxwell: [he does so] Hello?
Parker: [cheerfully] Hello!
Maxwell: Oh, is that you, Parker?
Parker: Yes, indeed. Is that you, Smart?
Maxwell: Yes. How have you been?
Parker: Oh, just fine, just fine, and you?
Maxwell: Oh, pretty good, pretty good. Certainly is nice talking to you. Listen, Parker, there's a question I'd like to ask you.
Parker: Shoot.
Maxwell: Now...
[he does a double-take about what Parker's just said]
Maxwell: Now about the bananas. If each monkey...
Chief: [who's been watching them with increasing impatience] Gentlemen, you're doing it again! Let's get on with the briefing!
Maxwell: [Both Max and Parker look rather put out by the Chief spoiling their fun] Right, Chief. Parker, there's one thing that bothers me. This makes an awfully loud ring. What if you want to phone someone quietly?
Parker: Well, use your silencer.

Chief: The future of the mid-west is in your mouth.
Maxwell: It couldn't be in a safer place.

Maxwell: Of course. The old gun in the peg leg trick. That's the second time I've fallen for it this year.

Maxwell: [during fencing duel] Tell me, Hurrah, what made you decide to join KAOS?
Otto: I'm a creative producer and director, bursting with new concepts. I was wasted in the movie business. KAOS had an opening for a mastermind, so I took it. Besides, my agent recommended it.

Maxwell: It's a lucky thing for me you were in there.
Agent: [hiding in cigarette machine] I've been in here for 72 hours without a break.
Maxwell: 72 hours? You must be starved.
Agent: No, but I'm dying for a smoke.

Cigarette: What do you think you're doing?
Maxwell: Well, I'm looking for my silver dollar. You gave me the wrong one.
Cigarette: What's the difference? A dollar's a dollar.
Maxwell: Well mine is a very special silver dollar. Oh. Here it is.
Cigarette: How can you be sure it's yours?
Maxwell: Eh... yes, well it has my name on it.
Cigarette: Oh is that so? Well, what's your name?
[grabs dollar to examine it]
Cigarette: Eh.. 'E plurabis unum'
Cigarette: Wizeguy...
[puts dollar between her cleavage]

Maxwell: Don't worry, about me, there's no torture invented that could make me crack. I'm impervious to pain.
Chief: Good luck, Max
[they shake hands]
Maxwell: Aah!
Chief: What's the matter?
Maxwell: You squeezed my pinky!

Chief: [looking at slide # 4, a deceased Agent 85 aboard the Orient Express] Your conclusion, 86?
Maxwell: Suicide, Chief.
Chief: Suicide?
99: But Max, he was gassed!
Maxwell: Well, I don't know anything about his drinking habbits 99, but there's a suicide note on the floor.
Chief: That's his ticket.

Maxwell: Wait a minute, these are the wrong papers!
#: What do you mean, Max?
Maxwell: Why, these are the Gottlieb papers.
Chief: No Max, those are the Ginsburg papers.
Maxwell: But it says right there, Gottlieb.
Chief: Ginsberg changed his name.

White: [thinking Maxwell Smart is her fiancé] Running Creek, your years spend in the great cities of the east have turned you into a real weirdo!

Chief: What if they torture you?
Maxwell: [distracted by Dr. Steele] Oh, torture. Well, I can stand the pain if they can stand the screams.

Chief: Oh and one more thing, 99. The man you're dealing with is a deadly assassin. Don't let the fact that he looks like Max slow your reflexes. If he makes one questionable move...
#: I'll know it's not Max.

Maxwell: Just a minute, Mrs. Macklin, I'd like you to meet two colleagues of mine who work with me at the greeting card company.
[indicating 99]
Maxwell: Eh, this is Miss Primrose, who takes care of our Easter greetings, and this is Mr. Pepperfeathers
[indicating Dr Bascomb]
Maxwell: who's in charge of births and bereavements.

Maxwell: Do you have any vacancies here?
Desk: We always got vacancies. What do you want, the bridal suite or the royal suite?
Maxwell: The royal suite.
Desk: The bridal suite's nearer the bathroom.

Hans: [touching the scar on his forehead] Have you ever heard of the great white rhino?
Maxwell: That was done by the great white rhino?
Hans: No. This was done by a small blue convertible.
Maxwell: The great white Rhino was driving a small blue convertible?

Maxwell: May I have your attention please for a moment? Everything is under control and there's absolutely nothing to worry about. We will be landing in Miami in just a few moments. However, there is one small problem. Does anybody here know how to land a four engine jet?

Mr. Fitzmaurice: Are there any real rooms on this floor?
Maxwell: Naturally none. Because you see this is a false 8th floor.
Mr. Fitzmaurice: Oh, this is a false 8th floor?
Maxwell: Yes. The real 8th floor is on the 9th floor.
Mr. Fitzmaurice: Oh, then the floor below this is the 7th floor?
Maxwell: Eh, no, you see we didn't have room in this building for the 7th floor so we put it in the building next door. Now the building next door has two 7th floors.
Mr. Fitzmaurice: Two 7th floors?
Maxwell: Yes. It's a very interesting thing to know in case you ever go there. Which you probably won't, because the building next door is a false building.

Maxwell: [on Shoephone] Hello Chief? Max. The informer has just been killed but he left us a clue and I didn't have to pay a cent for it.
Maxwell: [listen to the Chief's answer] No, I don't have the entire 2,000 dollars, I have 1,500 of it. Well of course I didn't lose it, Chief, what do you think I am, stupid? I spend the other 500 for a package of gum.

Maxwell: I don't understand it, Chief, I thought that joining the naval reserve was part of our cover as spies, I never dreamed that they'd call us up for active duty.
Chief: Well that's because they don't know we're spies. Control is such a super secret organization that even the army and navy don't know we excist.
Maxwell: Well I still don't think it's fair, I mean after all, they never draft the CIA.
Chief: Well that's because the CIA isn't a secret organization. It's supposed to be, but it's not.

Chief: Max, whatever you do, remember rule 5 of code 19.
Maxwell: Eh... I've forgotten rule 5, Chief. But I know rule 6.
Chief: Rule 6?
Maxwell: Yes Chief. Rule 6 states that all Control agents must memorize Rule 5 before proceeding to rule 6.
Chief: Max?
Maxwell: Yes Chief?
Chief: Do the words 'get out' mean anything to you?
Maxwell: Bye.
[gets up and leaves]

#: [Max and 99 are tied up] What are you doing, Max?
Maxwell: I'm trying to get my foot loose. I figure if I can get my shoe-phone up high enough, you might be able to dial it with your nose.

Maxwell: I don't understand, Chief, what kind of an ape could be intelligent enough to put a banana in the mail?
Larabee: Probably one that worked in the post office.
Maxwell: That's ridiculous, Larabee.
Larabee: I understand during the Christmas rush they'll hire anything.

Agent: You know everything costs so much today. Guns and knives are expensive, poison is up, strangling wire is 6.80 a yard.

Maxwell: [Max has been forced to take a vacation] Ok Chief, Ok. But just remember this: you'll be left all alone without my experience and know-how. You'll be making hundreds of decisions without my advice.
Chief: And loving it.

Siegfried: We don't ad-lib here, Shtarker. We stick to the lines.

Maxwell: [surprised by the Ambassador's appearance] You're sober!
Ambassador: [pointing a gun at Max & 99] Cold sober.
Maxwell: But I don't understand, that can't be. You drank 21 bottles of wine, how can you still be standing up?
Ambassador: I have to stand up. If I lie down, I get deathly ill.

Maxwell: Doctor. Don't move a muscle.
Dr. Pliny: Why not?
Maxwell: That's a fountain pen you're holding.
Dr. Pliny: You security men don't miss a thing, do you?
Maxwell: All public buildings are supplied with ballpoint pens, not fountain pens. It takes a trained eye like mine to detect a thing like this. One tap of this point and you could have been blown to bits. Now watch carefully while I remove the detonator.
[He starts to take the pen apart]
Maxwell: Now, do you know what we're going to find in this rubber tube?
[Ink drips out of the tube onto the documents on the desk]
Dr. Pliny: [who's unimpressed by 86's deductions] Ink?
Maxwell: Right. We'd better get out of here fast, because that ink might activate the paper.

Maxwell: Would you like to join Control?
Hymie: No thank you.
Maxwell: No?
Hymie: I just don't like violence.
#: What would you like to do?
Hymie: I'd like to work for IBM.
Chief: Oh, because of your scientific curiosity?
Hymie: No, it's a nice way to meet some intelligent machines.

Maxwell: [to Baccardo] Missed! And you're all out of wheelchairs.

Maxwell: Boy, that was close, officer. I almost got killed.
Cop: Naturally. You were jay-walking. I'm gonna have to give you a ticket for that.
Maxwell: But they were shooting at me!
Cop: That's homicide. I'm traffic.

Maxwell: Of course, that's it! Rubber trash! They're using it for camouflage.

Maxwell: The trick is stupid!
[the sub is shaking on impact]
Maxwell: The trick is dumb!
[another hit]
Maxwell: The trick is childish!
[nothing happens]
Maxwell: The trick is childish!... and the trick is working.

Maxwell: [Hymie is almost electrocuted by a booby trapped phone] Hymie! Are you alright?
Hymie: [still shaking] I don't know.
Maxwell: Well what happened?
Hymie: I think I'm in love

Maxwell: [the computer called ARDVARC has exploded and is losing power] Is there anyone you'd like us to notify?
ARDVARC: [coughing sound] Yes.
[another cough]
ARDVARC: The cigarette machine, in the hall.

Maxwell: Leadside, you told me you couldn't walk!
Leadside: No, I can't walk, but I can run.
Maxwell: But that's impossible.
Leadside: No, the injury to my spine is a unique one. As long as I am moving with any velocity, I'm alright, but as soon as I stand still or try to walk, I collapse.

Maxwell: 99, everything that I believe in, everything that I hold sacred, is based upon my believe in the honesty and nobility of my fellow agents. And that believe is unshakable, unarguable, and incontrovertible.
Maxwell: [pause] Of course, I could be wrong.

Siegfried: [hits Shtarker over the head] We don't tic-tac-toe here!
Starker: Sorry, Siegfried, I couldn't resist.

Maxwell: 13, what did you see?
Agent: [hiding in a locker chewing a sandwich and drinking milk] Nothing, I'm on my lunch break.
Maxwell: A man has just been murdered, doesn't that mean anything to you?
Agent: Not from twelve to one.
Maxwell: Listen, 13, if you don't straigten up and fly right, I'm gonna see to it that on your next assignment you're put inside of an incenerator.

Siegfried: [throws of cardboard box disguise] Let's face it, Schmart, this high cost of eluding could bankrupt both KAOS and Control. Unless of course we were to join forces for this assignment?

Maxwell: Will you stop cleaning, following me around and picking up, you're beginning to get on my nerves.
Hymie: I'm programmed for neatness.
Maxwell: Well I'm programmed for sloppiness and that's the way I like it.

Chief: Max, I don't mean to suggest that you're not telling the truth, but isn't it just conceivable that this whole affair could've been a bad dream?
Maxwell: Absolutely not, Chief! I tell you, I saw two invisible men!

Maxwell: [Max has been ordered to disassemble Hymie] Why I can't do that to Hymie, Chief, Hymie is my friend. Why, he saved my life once. He's like a brother to me.
Chief: Max, Hymie is a cybernaut.
Maxwell: What's his religion got to do with it?

Maxwell: Are you a psychologist, Dr. Stueben?
Stueben: I'm the president of the psychologist society for mental health and adjustment through fulfillment.
Maxwell: What kind of an organization is that?
Stueben: We're a hate group.
Maxwell: A hate group?
Stueben: Oh, in the sense that we cure hate and fear. We hate hate. Hate it.

Ravage: That's 1200 games of solitaire you've played. Don't you know any other card games?
One: One handed gin.

Chief: Over budget or no over budget, I can't afford to lay off 5 agents. There must be some mistake.
Larabee: Sorry Chief, but you know this computer, it doesn't make mistakes.
Chief: Oh, then why did it pick Egypt over Israel in the Six Day War?
Larabee: Who didn't?

Dr. Yes: Your too late, Mr. Smart. In one minute the deflector mechanism takes over.
Maxwell: Yes, but there's still time enough to take care of you, Dr. Yes. You see I happen to be an expert in hand to hand combat.
[Dr. Yes slices his extremely long nails at Max]
Maxwell: However nail-to-nail combat I'm not too crazy about.

Maxwell: [posing as Major Kessler] Zit is KAOS, we don't eh...
Siegfried: Chickie Chickie Chi...
Maxwell: We don't do zat here.

Maxwell: Tell me, Mr. Hoo, do all Hawaiian detectives wear white suits?
Harry: No, I began to wear white suit in Hawaii when I was employee of... ice cream firm.
Maxwell: Well, they're very attractive.
Harry: [laughs politely] You should see my cleaning bills.

99: Max, don't you realize what's happening, they're doing it to you too. You're turning old right before my eyes!
Maxwell: Now let's not panic, 99, just because I came home a little tired and my hair is turning a little gray, doesn't mean that I'm turning old.

99: Max, what's your plan?
Maxwell: I'm going into that park.
Hodgkins: Alone?
Maxwell: Alone.
99: But Max, you'll be in terrible danger.
Maxwell: I know. Those parks are murder at night.

Maxwell: You know 99, I really feel sorry for professor Parker. He's spend so much time working on that device.
#: The Ice-Cube Transmitter.
Maxwell: Yes. For the last six months he's tested it in every known fluid. That's how he got his reputation.
#: As a perfectionist?
Maxwell: No, as a drunk.

Maxwell: [In the car, they are about to follow Sontag when 99 suggests they go up to Drago's house] Well what are we gonna tell Drago?
99: Tell him that our car broke down.
Maxwell: Oh come on, 99, he'd never fall for that.
[the car won't start]
Maxwell: Come on, let's go up to the house.
99: What do we tell Drago?
Maxwell: That our car broke down.

Maxwell: Tell me this: since my true identity is such a closely guarded secret, how were you able to recognize me?
Miss: I saw your picture in one of the secret agent fan magazines.

Maxwell: [Max finds the mailbox 13 was hiding in to be empty] He's been mailed!

Maxwell: That's the second biggest cosmetic case I ever saw!

A.J. Pfister: [Siegfried has just released a kamikaze pigeon he thinks is heading for the Pentagon] That bird, eh, labelled Pentagon, I'm afraid is headed for one of your two headquarters.
Siegfried: [gasps] Don't tell me.
[Starts brabling fake German]
Siegfried: KAOS?
A.J. Pfister: Yes. KAOS.
Siegfried: [shouting] I asked you not to tell me that!

Siegfried: Well, why don't I come back a little later after you've had time to practice.

Telephone: [the Chief dials Smart's telephone number] I'm sorry, that number has been disconnected. The subscriber is deceased.

Maxwell: How come all your suits are exactly the same?
Harry: Oh, beg to differ. All have different styles!
Maxwell: Oh. Well I guess all Chinese suits look alike to me.

Maxwell: No 99, I can't let you do it, it's too risky. No, it's out of the question. And there's nothing that you can say or do that will make me change my mind. That's final, that settles it, that's it.
#: But Max, I want to.
Maxwell: Ok.

Maxwell: Eh, listen, I... I hope I wasn't out of line with that crack about 'fathead'

Maxwell: Listen, we got to talk to you.
Prime: Do you have an appointment?
Maxwell: An appointment? What are you talking about? You were just thrown out of a moving car, what happened?
Prime: I'm sorry, I cannot give out any information unless it is first approved by our press secretary.
Maxwell: Do you realize that you're dying?
Prime: I'm sorry, I cannot give you any information about that either.

Colonel: A king is confident, determined, dignified, proud. His very manner inspires awe among the common folk.
Chief: A king is confident, determined, dignified, proud. His very manner inspires awe among the common folk.
[touching Max on the arm]
Chief: You look great Max.
[Max looks derisively at the Chief, who lowers his arm]
Maxwell: [speaking in the manner of King Charles] You dare to call a king by his first name? Beware of your head, my friend.

Maxwell: So, the old double agent with the two faces in the twin locker trick.
Agent: I'm the real 13, he's the imposter!
Agent: No he's an imposter.
Impostor: He is!

#: I wonder what Bronzefinger would have done with us, Max?
Maxwell: Well, he probably would have sold us to some public park. Just think of it, 99, there we would have been, two bronze statues giving pleasure to thousands.
#: Thousands of art lovers?
Maxwell: No, thousands of pigeons.

Bobo: The spy network is just a front. The real money is in the laundry.

Maxwell: Well 99, all I have to do now is find some Argentinean who understands my high school Spanish.
Maxwell: [stops the first man he meets] Eh, por favor, por favor, eh.. el policio yo soy Americano.
Man: Sorry fella, don't speak Spanish. Boy, are you in the wrong neighborhood.

Maxwell: [Max has asked Mr. Bob for some identification] Are you kidding me? This picture doesn't look anything like you.
Mr. Bob: That's my thumbprint.

Chief: [on phone] If you like you can take one of those new comb phones with you.
#: [on one of those new comb phones] Oh, that would be terrific, it's a marvelous device. Which one of our agents developed it?
Chief: Well as a matter of fact, 99, it was my idea.
#: Whatever gave you the idea of turning a comb into a phone?
Chief: Well, 99, what else am I gonna do with a comb?

Maxwell: [99 is laying on a conveyor belt tied to a surfboard] 99, this is no time to go surfing.

Maxwell: 99, I'm hit! I'm bleeding!
#: It's only red wine, Max.
Maxwell: I'm bleeding red wine?

KAOS: I'm a sportsman. I'll let you pick the way you wanna die.
Maxwell: Oh. Ok, eh, how about old age?

#: [about the Pussycat club] Why would brilliant, intelligent men wanna go to a place like that?
Maxwell: Well, there are several reasons, 99. Men like that need a place to unwind. A change of atmosphere, a change of scene.
#: But Max, there's nothing to do there except look at a lot of girls walking around half undressed.
Maxwell: Say, that's the best reason yet.

Maxwell: Oh, and one more thing: you were wrong about where.
Chief: I was wrong about what?
Maxwell: Not what, where. You see, knowing how the shipment was sent didn't tell us who, it only told us why.
Chief: What are you talking about?
#: How and when didn't tell us what and where.
Chief: You too?
#: When we knew what and how, we should have known when and where.
Maxwell: No, why and who told us when and where.

Maxwell: Well at least we won't have any trouble with these good old American names:
Maxwell: [reads from a list] Bobby Jean Harper, Betty June Parker, Bonnie Joan Booker and Bunny Jane Baker.

Maxwell: Chief...
[slaps desk with his hand]
Maxwell: I'd like to volunteer.
#: It sounds like a suicide assignment, Chief.
Maxwell: I'd like to volunteer to find a volunteer.

Wanda: Back off, baby, you're steaming up my shades.

Maxwell: [Repeated line] I asked you not to tell me that!

Ironhand: Let's not be foolish, Mr. Smart. I want those plans.
Maxwell: You'll have to kill me first.
Ironhand: I was going to do that second.

Chief: Larabee?
Larabee: Yes sir?
Chief: I want an appointment with Senator Palmer. Call him.
Larabee: On what? they took my phone away too.
Chief: Well don't just stand there, call him from the candy store on the corner.
Larabee: Yes sir.
[turns to go, then changes his mind]
Larabee: Chief, you got a dime on you?

Larabee: Chief, the real Connie and Floyd just escaped.
Chief: [loading his gun] Well, I know that, you just told me on the phone!
Larabee: Was that you? I thought I dialed my wife.
Chief: Max and 99 are in danger, let's go.
[starts to leave]
Larabee: Chief, do I have time to call my wife?

Maxwell: You know, Chief, I've always wondered about that. How many potatoes are there in a crop?
Chief: Oh, it all depends. Four or five thousand bushels.
Maxwell: Boy, that's a lot of crop.

Maxwell: Killed by an exploding birthday cake. 99, there's something funny going on around here.

Maxwell: Anything to report Watkins?
Charlie: I've turned this place inside out to find a secret passageway for them to smuggle out their victims.
Maxwell: Did you find it?
Charlie: Finally.
Maxwell: Where is it?
Charlie: There's a back door in the kitchen that leads to the alley.
Maxwell: The old backdoor to the alley trick. What'll they think of next?

Maxwell: Of course! The old secret supply room in the supply room trick.

Snead: Well, it looks to me as though we've both failed.
Mrs. Neal: There's always a first time, Snead.
Snead: Unfortunately, when one works for KAOS, it's usually the last time. I suggest, Mrs Neal, that we take a permanent leave of absence.
Mrs. Neal: I agree, Snead.

Maxwell: You better give up, Danker, this building is surrounded by forty Control agents!
[Danker shoots a bullet from his briefcase gun]
Maxwell: Would you believe thirty?
[another shot from Danker's case ricochets off the crate Max is hiding behind]
Maxwell: One angry boyscout?
[Danker shoots again but misses completely]
Maxwell: Girlscout?

Chief: Now Max, this is a dangerous one. This woman is ruthless, and a potential killer. You'll be risking your life every moment.
Chief: And... loving it.

Maxwell: Krochanska made a try for the briefcase.
99: Then you know who Krochanska is.
Maxwell: I'm almost positive, 99.
99: Who, Max?
Maxwell: It's somebody on this train.
99: Yes, but who?
Maxwell: The countess. Would you believe it? That lovely countess.
99: I find that very hard to believe.
Maxwell: The porter?
99: I don't think so.
Maxwell: The conductor.
99: No.
Maxwell: The engineer.
99: Uh-uh.
Maxwell: How about the dog?
99: Max!
Maxwell: Well, it's gotta be one of them, 99. There's nobody else left.

Green: Red Cloud, this is bad medicine! The United States has three million soldiers. We have but two hundred braves.
Red: [whispering] We must depend heavily on the element of surprise.

Brute: [to Doll Baby] Oh foresooth it's groovy to see by thy kisser how much thou lovest me.

Agent: These are amazing newsreel pictures, Chief!
Chief: They're not newsreel pictures, 99. Connie & Floyd carried their own photographer. These are there personal films.

Chief: With all that rolling and scuffling around, how did you know Number 2 was Number 2?
Maxwell: Eh?
Chief: How did you know it was Number 2?
Maxwell: Oh. Well that was just a lucky guess.

Maxwell: This is the strangest island that I've even been on. There's absolutely nothing to eat. I've been up in those trees for hours. There's no coconuts, no bananas.
99: What about fish?
Maxwell: There's no fish up there either.

Blue: What is that?
Red: If I didn't know better, I would say it was an electric snake.

Agent: Don't you touch me!
Maxwell: What's the matter?
Agent: You know perfectly well what's the matter. You don't love me any more because I'm fat and unattractive.
Maxwell: That is ridiculous, 99, just because you're fat and unattractive doesn't mean that I stopped loving you.
Agent: Oh, why don't you just come right out and say it, Max?
Maxwell: Huh?
Agent: Fat, fat the water rat!
Maxwell: Fat, fat the water rat?
Agent: You take that back!

Maxwell: [the Cowboy is about to jump out of a window] Don't be a fool. It's five stories straight down to a hard pavement.
Cowboy: I'm in a hurry.
Maxwell: Oh. Well, that is the quickest way down.

Maxwell: What have you learned?
Agent: [hiding in a barber shop towel warmer] I've learned to hate the spy business, that's what I've learned. All Control does is lock me up in solitary. I might as well be a KAOS man.
Maxwell: You should be ashamed of yourself.
Agent: I'm sorry, 86. I didn't mean that. It's just when I signed up to be a secret agent I thought I'd be shot or stabbed - I never thought I'd be melted.

Agent: And you, Smart, I feel towards you like I feel towards my own brother-in-law.
Maxwell: Brother.
Agent: No, brother-in-law. I don't talk to my brother.

Prime: Before they pushed me out one of them said 'fare thee well' and, eh 'get ye lost'.
Maxwell: 'Fare thee well' and 'get ye lost'. Well, that narrows it down, 99.
#: To who?
Maxwell: Richard Burton or Laurence Olivier.

99: Oh, Max, I'll miss you so much, I'll write to you every day.
Maxwell: I'll write to you twice a day, 99.
99: That'll be an awful lot of letters, Max.
Maxwell: Yes, well, we can save them and read them on our honeymoon. It will give us something to do.

Mrs: Ann and I were great believers in the hereafter.
#: But why would she contact Max?
Maxwell: Well maybe she didn't have her mother's number with her.

Chief: 86, your mission is simple: find KAOS and destroy it. Get Mr. Big. Rescue Professor Dante and get back the Inthermo.

Maxwell: Is one of your customers a girl?
Proprietor: [nods] Sometimes.
#: Describe her, Max.
Maxwell: Well, I really didn't pay that much attention to her, 99. Let's see, she was about 5 foot 6, eh, soft blond hair, 38, 23, 36 measurements, deep blue eyes and delicious lips.
#: Max! She tried to poison you.
Maxwell: Well it's not all gravy, you know.

Chief: Sorry about that, Max.

Busby: [having just learned 86 and 99 are engaged] How long have known her, 86?
Maxwell: Oh, I've known 99 since she was 24.
Busby: I thought Huffacker was 24?

Maxwell: The old gun in the maestro's baton trick.
[rolls eyes]
Maxwell: that's the second time I fell for that this month.

Ingrid: A nice old fashioned Swedish massage, wouldn't you like a massage?
Maxwell: Eh, yes, well, I, I just got married, Ingrid, I can't have a massage. Maybe in six months.

Shark: Hey, the only man I ever saw make that kind of a shot was the great pool champion "Three Fingers" Yarmy.
Maxwell: Eh, yes, as a matter of fact I, eh, just stole it off 'em last week.
Shark: Last week? He's been dead for six years.
Maxwell: Oh. Good. What he doesn't know won't hurt him.

Agent: Are we alone on this assignment?
General: Oh no, 99, every nation in the world is joining forces in order to do what must be done to stop this madman. Russia is standing by with nuclear submarines.
Colonel: Great Britain has offered us air cover.
Admiral: South America has offered the knowledge of its top German scientists.
Colonel: And Israel is making sandwiches for the trip.

Agent: [password] When I'm calling you...
Siegfried: [countersign] Ooh ooh ooh, ooh ooh ooh

#: Oh Max, the Chief's got to be all right he's just got to. If anything happens to him...
Maxwell: 99...
#: Max, please tell me he'll be all right.
Maxwell: 99...
#: Tell me he'll be all right, Max, tell me Max, tell me!
Maxwell: He'll be all right.
#: You're just saying that.

Maxwell: Well, 38 it certainly is good to see you again. How's Mrs 38?
Agent: Oh just fine, we're expecting a little fraction soon.
[laughs up a riot]

Conrad: Ah, the famous Maxwell Smart. I am Conrad Bunny.
Maxwell: Oh yes, of course, the infamous Herr Bunny.

Maxwell: The old Maxwell-Smart silhouette on the window shade trick. That's the second time KAOS has fallen for it this month.

Delivery: I've delivered a lot of packages in my time. Some here to Control and some over to KAOS headquarters. Well I'll tell ya this: crime may not pay, but it sure tips a lot better!

Agent: Say, eh, how do you stand all that heat in there?
Agent: [stationed inside a burning stove] I'm wearing Bermuda shorts.

Chief: Mr Smart, I think you'll find you can't get more than a cup of tea into a cup of tea.

Maxwell: I wonder what made him suspicious?
#: It's those squeaky shoes of yours Max. Maybe you should take them off.
Maxwell: Good thinking 99.
[He takes his shoes off but, when he starts walking, the squeak is still audible]
Maxwell: It's not my shoes. I think it's my socks.
#: Then take your socks off.
Maxwell: I'd rather not 99.
#: Why?
Maxwell: It might be my feet.

Chief: Now our one clue is the melody you heard just before the murder. Arrick, is the Detect-O-Tune ready?
Arrick: Yes, Chief.
Chief: Good.
Maxwell: How does it work?
Arrick: Well, the Detect-O-Tune can reconstruct any melody in the same way that a criminal's face can be reconstructed through the descriptions of witnesses. Now, can you remember any of the notes that you heard?
Chief: Just hum anything you remember, Max.
Maxwell: Ok, let me see now, Chief.
[begins humming]
Maxwell: Daaa, daaa, daaa, daaa, doo, daaa, daaa...
[Arrick then slowly plays same notes on Detect-O-Tune]
Maxwell: A little faster than that.
[Arrick plays notes faster and faster and quickly gets carried away]
Chief: ARRICK!
Arrick: Sorry, Chief.
Chief: Try to get it, Max. This may be vital!
Maxwell: All right, Chief. Let me see.
[begins humming]
Maxwell: Daaa, daaa, daaa, daaa...
Arrick: [humming along] Bom, bom, bom, bom...
Maxwell: No, no, no. Daaa, daaa, daaa, da-da-dee, daaa, daaa...
Chief,62203: Daaa, daaa, daaa, dee, daa, dee-dah...
[All three start singing]
Chief,62203: "Heart of my heart, how I love that melody, love the melody, heart of my heart, brings back a memory!"
[Max and Arrick realize what they're doing and stop singing, Chief gets carried away and continues singing]
Chief: "When we were kids on the corner of the street, we were rough and..."
[Chief stops singing, noticing the others have stopped as well, Max takes out a notebook and starts writing something]
Chief: What are you doing, Max?
Maxwell: I'm putting you down for the lead in "The Spy Frolics", Chief.
Chief: MAX!
[Max puts his notebook away]

Chief: [about to place Simon the Likeable under arrest] Sir, it is my duty to inform you that...
Simon the Likeable: [oozing with charm & likeability] Yes?
Chief: [holds up his wallet] Eh, do you have a picture of yourself that would fit in this wallet?

General: [on phone] Will these Control agents never learn? San Saludos is a wonderful place to visit... but nobody leaves here...
Soldier: [on other line] Si.
General: [hangs up the phone] ...for long...

The: Actually, the only girl we want is Princess Ingrid.
Maxwell: Then why did you abduct the others?
The: Unfortunately, Mr. Smart, all Americans look alike to us. We may be diabolical, but we are not perfect.

Chief: [Larabee has a bowling ball on his hand] What's that on your hand, Larabee?
Larabee: I bought it at lunch, it got stuck on my fingers.
Chief: Why don't you get some oil to get it off?
Larabee: There's no point in doing that Chief, tonight's my bowling night.

Maxwell: I am Maxwell Smart, secret agent 86 of Control. I've been assigned to protect you.
Trinka: You seem familiar.
Maxwell: Yes, well, I've been guarding you ever since you got through the iron curtain.
Trinka: Of course. You were on the plane with me. You were the man seated across the isle reading a magazine.
Maxwell: No.
Trinka: The man behind me with the dark glasses and the moustache?
Maxwell: No.
Trinka: But I'm sure I saw you on the plane.
Maxwell: I was the stewardess who fluffed your pillow.

Maxwell: Now I'm gonna have this gun in my pocket at all times, so you're gonna be completely covered. Now as far as my aunt and uncle are concerned, you and I are old army buddies, have you got that?
Victor: Right. We flew together in the Luftwaffe.

Maxwell: I demand the cone of silence.
Chief: Max, do we have to?
Maxwell: Well, with vital information like this, of course we have to, Chief.
Chief: Okay, you win, Max.
Chief: [speaking into intercom] Hodgkins, lower the cone of silence.
Chief: [the cone of silence is lowered over the Chief and Max] Now what did you find out?
Maxwell: Nothing.
Chief: [pushes button, angrily] Hodgkins, raise the cone of silence.

Maxwell: Hello, Chief? Max. I'm in Lover's Lane. Listen, Chief, before I fill you in, I want you to give a message to Parker at the lab. Tell him there are a few adjustments needed on the steering wheel phone. Every time I turn the corner, I dial the operator.

Victor: Where's the pen?
Upper: He must have ate it.

Agent: And best of all, Max, the security of our espionage school hasn't been violated.
Maxwell: That's right, 99, there's nothing more important than security, nothing. Why without security, none of us would be safe.
Man: Excuse me, is this Mrs. Green's house?
Maxwell: No, that's the spy school, Mrs. Green's house is over there.

Doll: [to Max] I toast thee, baby. To my knight in shining leather.

Sid: Hey, why do you get the wild broads and I get the clams?

Maxwell: Of course. The old poisoned needle in the phonograph trick!

Chief: KAOS knows that either one of us can lead them to Bediyoskin. Now we go back in there and let them overhear that one of us is going to him. KAOS captures the one who goes and the other follows.
Maxwell: One of us goes, one of us follows.
Chief: Right.
Maxwell: And one of us already knows who goes and who follows.
Chief: You go.
Maxwell: Now both of us know.
[claps hands triumphantly]

Miss U.S.A.: Mr. Smart, I'm in terrible danger, aren't I?
Maxwell: Yes Tisha, but don't you worry about it, you're in good hands. You'll be protected 24 hours around the clock by a Control agent who is highly intelligent, extremely perceptive and absolutely fearless.
Miss U.S.A.: Oh.
Maxwell: What's the matter?
Miss U.S.A.: Well I was hoping it would be you.

Maxwell: I'm being followed. Use emergency telephone plan Z.

Dr. Jarvis Pym: [about to swallow a deadly poison hidden in a secret compartment in his ring] Well, goodbye, Mr and Mrs Smart.
Maxwell: Not so fast, Pym. Observe.
[opens secret compartment in his ring]
Dr. Jarvis Pym: What's that?
Maxwell: Anti-Sodium Calcium Chloride. If you take that Sodium Calcium Chloride, I'll shove this down your throat. Not the ring, the powder. And you'll be alive again.
Dr. Jarvis Pym: That's very clever of you, Mr. Smart, but I was prepared. Observe again:
[opens secret compartment in another ring]
Dr. Jarvis Pym: Pro-Anti-Sodium Calcium Chloride. If you bring me back to life, I shall take this and then I shall be permanently disposed of.
Maxwell: Temporarily permanently disposed of.
[opens secret compartment on yet another ring]
Maxwell: You know what's in here?
Dr. Jarvis Pym: No.
Maxwell: Oh, that makes two of us. What in here, 99?
Agent: Anti-pro-anti-Sodium Calcium Chloride. If you take Sodium Calcium Chloride and Max brings you back to life with Anti-Sodium Calcium Chloride and you decide to destroy yourself again with Pro-Anti-Sodium Calcium Chloride, Max will bring you back to life again with Anti-Pro-Anti-Sodium Calcium Chloride.
Dr. Jarvis Pym: Well, that's easy enough for you to say. I've run out of rings.
Maxwell: Well I'm glad to hear that, it was my turn next.

Maxwell: Chief, I think I'd better explain to you what actually happened over there, you see, I lost a cufflink in the couch, and Ingrid was helping me look for it.
Maxwell: [the Chief gives Max a very stern look] Eh, would you believe a tie clasp?

Chief: If KAOS gets their hands on any more of those blueprints, Max, they'll have the capability of polluting the air over every major city in the United States.
Maxwell: Well, I don't wanna worry you, Chief, but I think they already have that.

Chief: What's happening?
Control: I'm having trouble with the reception.
Chief: KAOS may be jamming the frequency.
Control: All the keep getting is Lawrence Welk music.
Chief: KAOS has no mercy.

Bubinski: [Bubinsky the cabbie accuses Max of being the Choker] He's got killer's eyes!
Maxwell: I have not!
Chief: That will be all, Mr. Bubinsky.
Bubinski: Sure you don't wanna cab?
Chief: No.
Bubinski: How 'bout you, killer?
[Max raises his fist]

Dr. Steele: [practicing her high kicks] You know, I don't believe the Guru uses torture. It's my theory that he's developed a subtle but incredibly effective method of extracting information. That's why I invented those pills that make you lie. I call them my 'Gay deceivers'.

Mary: You have become a nuisance, Mr. Smart, and you know what I do with nuisances?
Maxwell: You ignore them and hope they'll go away?
Mary: Wrong.
Maxwell: Wrong. You don't ignore them and hope they'll go away?
Mary: Wrong.
Maxwell: Wrong again.
Mary: I dispose of them once and for all.
Maxwell: That was my next guess.

Maxwell: [talking into his shoe phone] Hello, Central? Cancel my handkerchief, hold my glasses, cut off my shoe, and see if you can get that guy off my tie.

Chief: If you ask somebody to be your best man, it's a guarantee something will happen to him.
Hymie: How come you never asked me, Max? I always thought I was your best friend.
Maxwell: Yes, well, you are my best friend, Hymie, but you're a robot. I need a best man, not a best thing.
Maxwell: Sorry about that, Hymie, but, well, you see, it wouldn't be legal the other way. I need someone who can sign the marriage certificate and, and be a witness.
Hymie: I can sign it Max, I can also make copies.

Chief: All we know is that they threatened to wipe out the city containing our finest intellectual minds and greatest leaders.
Maxwell: Well at least Washington is safe.

Chief: Max, if you don't do as I say, you're fired.
Maxwell: That's an idle threat, Chief. You'd never fire me.
Chief: Oh no? What makes you so sure I wouldn't?
Maxwell: Because according to seniority, if I get fired from Control, Larabee moves up.

Maxwell: [Max has two theater tickets] Oh, well you see 99, I was kinda hoping that maybe you might join me.
99: Oh Max, why couldn't you have asked me something like that months ago?
Maxwell: Well I just got the tickets five minutes ago and I coudn't think of anybody else that would go Dutch.

Siegfried: When they get here and find we are running a prisoner of war camp without a license, we'll be arrested.

Maxwell: Imagine a Control agent married to a KAOS agent. Who would accept a mixed marriage like that?

Chief: Max, can you give us an accurate description of that man?
Maxwell: I'll never forget him as long as I live, Chief.
Chief: 99, write this down. How tall was he?
Maxwell: Let's see... 5' 8, maybe 9.
[beat]
Maxwell: Make that 10.
Chief: [to 99] Suspect under six feet.
Maxwell: Or over.
Chief: What color were his eyes?
Maxwell: Oh, that was hard to tell, Chief. He was wearing dark glasses.
Chief: What about his hair?
Maxwell: He was wearing a hat.
Chief: Did he have any noticeable scars?
Maxwell: He was wearing a suit.
Chief: No, I mean on his hands or neck.
Maxwell: He was wearing a scarf and gloves.
Chief: Did you notice anything about him at all?
Maxwell: [beat] He was a very snappy dresser.

Maxwell: [13 is hiding in the chimney of Prince Ali Ben Bubee's suite] Look, I know you got a lonely job, 13, but there's no need to be sarcastic about it.
Agent: Well, it does have its' compensations. The other side of this chimney opens on the harem girls' suite.

Maxwell: There's nothing that can be done. At one o'clock Maxwell Smart will be dead. Only his legend will live on.

Maxwell: There are worse assignments than this. I once knew an agent who was locked in a washing machine for three days.
Agent: That was me, 86!
Maxwell: Yes, I forgot
Agent: I came out so wrinkled I had to iron my skin.

Maxwell: Are you kidding? There's a man that's been murdered lying there on the pinball machine, and you want people to come in here and dance and drink and carry on?
Bartender: Why not? They do it every night.
Maxwell: You mean there's a killing here every night?
Maxwell: Well, not every night. We're closed Mondays. But we have two on Saturday.
Maxwell: What day is this, Chief?
Chief: Friday.
[Smart blows a sigh of relief]

Maxwell: I sure hate a crook who can't be trusted.

Mrs. Weatherly: Are you Mr. Smart, the private eye?
Maxwell: [impersonating Bogey] You said what?
Mrs. Weatherly: I'd like to talk to you Mr. Smart.
Mrs. Weatherly: All right, start talking.
Mrs. Weatherly: Alone.
Maxwell: [to 99] Get out.
Maxwell: [99 gives him a surprised look] ...Sweetheart.
99: [99 throws down a pencil and starts to leave] I'll be in the outer office. If you need me... just whistle.

Chief: It's KAOS confetti. This is how they contacted their agents.
Maxwell: I don't understand.
Chief: Well, whenever KAOS wanted to contact their agents in a different city, they'd hold a parade. Now the agents would pick up the confetti from the street and the color of the confetti determined their instructions.
Chief: How?
Chief: Green confetti meant that they were supposed to go ahead with the proposed plan. Red confetti meant stop instantly.
Maxwell: Well that's fantastic, Chief. How did you ever find that out?
Chief: Well, they also used white confetti. That meant 'Danger, leave the country immediately'. Fortunately for us during their last parade it snowed.
Maxwell: And they all left the country?
Chief: No, they all went to Miami.

Billet: Gaucho, before I went to work for KAOS... I was an actor.
[indicates Goucho to shush]
Billet: Shhh! I am going to make Mr. Smart believe our Sonic Boom machine is in South America. Before I am through he will call his Chief and tell him that.
Gaucho: [playing with his gun] I don't understand, I'm just a simple killer.

Dr. Jarvis Pym: Observe.
[opens secret compartment in his ring]
Dr. Jarvis Pym: Sodium Calcium Chloride, do you know what that is?
Maxwell: An artificial sweetener?
Dr. Jarvis Pym: No, it's the second most deadly poison in the world.
Maxwell: What's the first?
Dr. Jarvis Pym: Artificial sweetener.

#: What are you looking for?
Maxwell: Well, I could say the Maltese Falcon, but you'd never believe me.

Colonel Kyle K. Kirby: [Max and Simmons are caught by the Colonel] So, Control agents, huh?
Maxwell: [Max covers the number sewn on his uniform] I don't know what you're talking about. We're just regular, run-of-the-mill, everyday burglars.
Colonel Kyle K. Kirby: What's your name?
Maxwell: I don't have to give you my name, Colonel, all I have to do is to give you my Control serial number: 8-6-5...

Maxwell: [Max shoots Le Moco dead]
Chief: Max. Max, where are you?
Maxwell: Right here, Chief. That's Le Moco on the ground. Tear off his beard.
[the Chief tears the the fake beard off Le Moco]
Agent: That's Le Moco alright.
Chief: Good shooting Max, you got him.
Agent: Get him a glass of water.
Chief: He's dead, it wouldn't help.
Agent: It wouldn't hurt.

#: [having just witnessed a nuclear explosion] Oh Max, what a terrible weapon of destruction.
Maxwell: Yes. You know, China, Russia and France should outlaw all nuclear weapons. We should insist upon it.
#: What if they won't, Max?
Maxwell: Then we may have to blast them. It's the only way to keep peace in the world.

Wolenska: Don't touch my hands! They belong to the world... If you must touch me, don't ever touch me below the elbow!

Maxwell: They think just because we're on the side of good that we're soft. But what they don't know is that we're tough and hard and do a very nice job.

Starker: You wouldn't care to make a little wager on the side, would you, Smart?
Maxwell: Yes, I think so, Starker. How 'bout, eh, five dollars?
Starker: All right, twenty marks.
Maxwell: Oh, well I'm afraid I can't go that high.
Chief: Max, twenty marks is five dollars.

Maxwell: [Repeated line] Sorry about that, Chief.

Miss U.S.A.: They're after me! They tried to kidnap me! Don't let them get me. Please, you must help me.
Maxwell: There there, now. You're perfectly safe here. Now, why don't you just sit back here and relax and tell me who you are?
Miss U.S.A.: I... I'm Miss United States.
Maxwell: [with a confused expression] Miss "United States"? That's an odd name for a girl.
Miss U.S.A.: Well, it's just my title. My real name is Tisha. I came to town for the beauty contest.

Maxwell: The old gun in the crutch trick!

Chief: [on phone] Good work, Q. If that is the KAOS communications center, from this moment on you'll be facing torture and death.
Agent: [on shoephone] And... loving it!

Maxwell: The old Chief in the brown beard and wig trick!

Siegfried: What are you doing here? You should be studying for tomorrow's exam.
Maxwell: Oh yes of course. Well, you see, Siegfried, I thought it would be a lot easier to study for tomorrow's exam if I had a copy of it tonight.
Siegfried: Excellent! All ze world loves a cheat. Forget the exam, you just passed it.

Hannibal: [performing a radio play] That's when I picked up the knife, and threw it!
[propman Maxwell Smart fires a gun]
Hannibal: Luckily, the knife hit a gun lying on the floor and the gun fired once.
[Max fires two more shots]
Hannibal: Twice... maybe more...

#: Max, since General Pajarito took over this country it's a very dangerous place.
Maxwell: But we don't have anything to worry about, 99, we're not citizens, we're just spies.

The: [holds up a bottle of wine] Bouchelet, 1957.
Maxwell: [holds up his paper cup] Dixie cup, 1965.

Maxwell: Wait a minute, Chief. Emilio Naharana. Isn't he the world famous ballet dancer?
Chief: Correct. Are you thinking what I'm thinking?
Maxwell: No Chief, I'm thinking what I'm thinking.

99: [Max has examined a few strands of hair, odd shaped piece of metal, a button and a piece of paper] What's your conclusion, Max?
Maxwell: The Chief has been kidnapped.
Professor: May I ask which one of these items led you to that conclusion?
Maxwell: This innocent looking piece of paper.
99: Why Max, what is it?
Maxwell: A ransom note.

Maxwell: [looking at a photograph] So this is the little devil that cost Conrad Palmeter his life.
Agent: The millionaire art director? Did he own the Tequila Mockingbird?
Maxwell: Several times. When he was 30, he bought it from a Hindu sailer in the city of Tequila, Mexico. Then 10 years later it was stolen by a Chinese accountant. At the age of 52 Permetta was able to buy it back at an auction in Beirut. Then 10 years later it mysteriously disappeared again. He spend the next 50 years searching for it.
Agent: You said the Mockingbird cost him his life, Max. How did he die?
Maxwell: Old age.

Jason: They must never learn the secret of this house. Tonight, when they're both asleep, let's let Sebastian out of his room.
Hester: No. You know my orders, Sebastian never leaves his attic. Except on Christmas morning. After we've opened our gifts, he gets to eat the tree.

Dr. Matthew Rath: One year ago, I took a full grown mature ape, and through a series of injections, transformed him so he looks human. But in his brain is the savagery and the killer instinct of a gorilla.
Otto: It is absolutely amazing!
Dr. Matthew Rath: I'll tell you what else is amazing, Cronin.
Otto: What?
Dr. Matthew Rath: That you and I can be here like this and converse in a German accent for hour after hour, and neither one of us is German.

Agent: Can you swim, professor?
Dante: No, but I am familiar with the Archimedes principal of displacement of water. In which you replace only a -
[Max pushes the professor overboard]

#: Oh, Max, please be careful. Carl Danker has killed 19 Control agents already and avoided capture every time. He's tricky and shows no mercy, Max. You'll be in extreme danger every minute.
Maxwell: And... loving it.

Maxwell: Well, that's all I can tell ya, Sid. I work for the government and I'm on a secret mission. You believe me, don't ya?
Sid: I believe ya.
[picks up a book titled 'Spy stories that never grow old']
Sid: You read a lot of these spy books. Cloak and Dagger stuff.
Maxwell: No more than anyone else who works for the government on secret missions.

Maxwell: [looking at Sunflowers by Van Gogh] What would you say that is worth, 99?
Agent: Oh, a lot, Max, that's a Van Gogh.
Maxwell: Isn't he the guy that cut off his own ear?
Agent: Right. He send it to his girlfriend. He must really have loved her a lot.
Maxwell: Either that or he hated his ear.

Carlson: Now, this on the surface appears to be nothing more than an American cheese sandwich. However...
[opens the sandwich]
Maxwell: Are you kidding... a telephone! Why, that's fantastic.
Carlson: Thank you.
Maxwell: Eh, does it come in any other colors?
Carlson: Just basic black. But it does come in different sandwiches: egg salad, peanut butter and an imported liverworst.

Maxwell: Where's the Cone of Silence?
Agent: Max, we've leased it to the CIA.
Maxwell: But that's ridiculous!
Chief: It's just for a short time. I'm sure Congress will reconsider our budget cut.
Agent: Well, why doesn't Congress cut the CIA's budget?
Maxwell: How can they? Nobody knows what their budget is.

Maxwell: 99, you see that bee up there?
Agent: Yes.
Maxwell: You see any Control markings on it?
Agent: Not from here Max, why?
Maxwell: I've got a feeling he's not one of ours.

Maxwell: I've got to get out of here. I've got a appointment in the restoring room.
Agent: You're not seeing my little Dutch girl, are ya?
Maxwell: Don't be ridiculous, of course not. My date is with Bronzefinger.

Maxwell: Well, have you seen anything weird or suspicious?
Agent: [grinning] Not til you came along.

Siegfried: [on phone] Schmart!
Maxwell: [on the other line] What happened?
Siegfried: Your Chief was just silenced by a pistol butt.
Maxwell: Well that's a little drastic, isn't it, Siegfried? Couldn't you have just shushed him?
Siegfried: We don't shush here!

Mrs. Dawson: Do you know what time it is, Mr. Smart?
Maxwell: [thinking she has a sprained ankle] Yes, but I knew that you'd still be up with your ankle.
Mrs. Dawson: I'm rarely up without it.
Maxwell: Now eh, I hope you didn't have to walk all the way to the door.
Mrs. Dawson: No, I took a bus from the living room.

Chief: Listenger is the only man on that baseball team who failed to become a Control agent.
Ace: Yeah, but he succeeded into becoming something else.
Maxwell: What was that?
Ace: A really great murderer.
[pause]
Ace: A really, top-notch murderer. One of the great murderers of all time. Which, really, he was not an ordinary murderer, he was a murderer's murderer I would say. You know, not one you'd meet every day at the store...

Larabee: Listen, Max, the twins can stay at our place for a few days. My wife would love taking care of them, and they'd have a lot of fun playing in the sand.
Maxwell: You have a place at the beach, Larabee?
Larabee: No, but we have a very sandy apartment.
Maxwell: [thinks for a moment] Thanks just the same, Larabee.
[starts dialing]
Larabee: Any time, Max.
[starts to leave]
Chief: Hold it, Larabee.
Larabee: Yeah, Chief?
Chief: You're not gonna get away with that one that easily.
Larabee: Which one?
Chief: Explain it to me, how you have a very sandy apartment.
Larabee: Oh, well, there's nothing to explain, Chief, we can't get the sand out because our vacuum cleaner's broken.
Chief: Larabee, if you don't live at the beach, how can you have all that sand in your apartment?
Larabee: Oh, well, we've been talking about moving to the beach and we wanted to see if we'd like it.
Chief: Thank you, Larabee.

Frank: Due to technical difficulties beyond our control, this half hour program is only twenty minutes long tonight.

Maxwell: Here, I have my suicide pill. It's raspberry this month. Wanna try it?
Siegfried: [handling the pill] No thanks.
Maxwell: Go ahead, it's not habit forming.
Siegfried: No.
Maxwell: Where's your suicide capsule?
Siegfried: [holds up left hand] This is my suicide ring. I will have to keep it on.
Maxwell: A suicide wedding ring? How does that work?
Siegfried: Through my wife. She told me if I ever take it off, she'll kill me.

99: What do we do now, Max?
Maxwell: Well, first of all 99, we've got to look in this coffin.
99: Oh... do we have to?
Maxwell: Well, you see, 99, according to the legend of the vampire, ridiculous though it may seem, Vampires always sleeps in their coffins.
99: Why would they do that, Max?
Maxwell: Well, if you go around biting people on the neck, I guess you'll do just about everything.

Maxwell: You mean to tell me that you came here without the invisible ray-gun and you expect me to believe that such a silly gun exists? Well gentlemen, I'm afraid your going to have to show me. You see, I'm from Minnesota.
KAOS: You mean Missouri.
Maxwell: Missouri... don't tell me where I'm from.

Maxwell: The old picture in the keyhole trick. That's twice this month!

Mimsi: Oh, well I don't like to get involved with violence. I deplore it.
Maxwell: Well, look at children's books. They're filled with violence.
Mimsi: But that's another kind. That's friendly violence. The people who kill each other like each other.

Sergeant: The old Pusan pat-a-cake trick, huh?

Chief: Max, aren't you going to say something to the Admiral?
Maxwell: Who wrote Little Women?
Admiral: Louisa May Alcott.
Maxwell: Wrong.
Chief: Max!

Maxwell: [having just learned the Chief's real first name] Thaddeus? Sorry about that, Chief...

Maxwell: [Agent 44 is stationed in a sofa and a woman has just filled his glass] Who was that?
Agent: [takes a sip of wine] Aah. Oh, that was agent 93. Since I had to keep surveillance at a party, the Chief was nice enough to let me take along a date.

Maxwell: Well, 99, you're a woman, aren't you? What can we do to stop her?
Agent: How about a tranquilizer?
Maxwell: Oh, you know what I mean.
Agent: [Impersonating the princess] Well, Maxie, darling, I think you've got to show her what a swinger you are, that you can do the frug and the watusi and the swim and the pony...
Maxwell: I know, I know. Just give me a good example.
Agent: But of course.
Maxwell: [99 starts dancing] Okay, now give me a bad example.

Admiral: Well exactly how dangerous is this formula?
Maxwell: Well sir, within 24 hours, it could dry up every lake, river and stream in the United States.
Chief: We'd be at the mercy of any country that had water.
Maxwell: Bootlegging would come back. People would start making bathtub water.

Maxwell: [holding up Professor Booth's umbrella as a shield, but the bullets go right through it] Hey! I thought you said this was a shield!
Herbert: Well it is, but I just remembered: not against bullets.

Siegfried: Tell your Chief I am ready to cooperate with Control. Also I will sell them some of Kaos' top secrets.
Maxwell: All right, Siegfried, I'll tell 'em. But I don't think the Chief will trust you.
Siegfried: Give me one good reason why he shouldn't trust me.
Maxwell: Because you're a rotten, vicious, cruel, cunning, maniacal murderer.
Siegfried: All right, that's one. Now give me another.

#: Max, the lie pill. You took a lie pill!
Maxwell: I did not.
#: All right, would you like to kiss me right now?
Maxwell: Yes I would.
[puckers his lips]
#: [now completely convinced] You took a lie pill.
[kisses him anyway]

Maxwell: Would you believe that this painting has been compared to the works of Henri Matisse?
Van: No.
Maxwell: Would you believe Michelangelo?
Maxwell: [Van Cleft does not reply] How 'bout Charlton Heston?

Agent: [Chuck has slipped on a bananaskin and fell of the rooftop] Oh, Max isn't that ironic? It took a modern jungle to kill that beast.
Maxwell: No, 99, 't was beauty who killed the beast.
Agent: Beauty? Oh, Max, thank you.
Maxwell: Oh, I didn't mean you, 99 'Beauty' is the brand name of these bananas.

Maxwell: The old timebomb in the roll trick.

Miss U.S.A.: Gosh, Mr. Smart, you're too nice to be a secret agent.
Maxwell: Well, there are good secret agents and there are bad secret agents.
Miss U.S.A.: There are? Well, what's the difference?
Maxwell: Well, the good secret agents are on our side. The bad secret agents are on their side.

#: [Max is browsing the book 'Birds of the USA] Did you find something?
Maxwell: Yes...
#: What?
Maxwell: A yellow bellied sapsucker.

Miss: [pointing a gun at Max] I have something for you. Get in here.
Maxwell: Oh, I hope it's not more coffee.

Maxwell: [Max has inflated a raft instead of a balloon] Well, the way I look at it 99, there's only one thing that will save us.
#: What's that, Max?
Maxwell: A river.

Maxwell: [running gag, after being warned by the Chief that his next assignment will be the most dangerous yet] ... And loving it!

Maxwell: Where's your olive? Don't tell me you swallowed it...
Ozark: I swallowed it.
Maxwell: I asked you not to tell me that!
Maxwell: [pause] Well my dear, that may have been the costliest gulp in the course of human history.

Maxwell: Are you 99?
Six: No, I'm six and a half.

Chief: [on phone in his office] 99 is in her bed?
Maxwell: [on phone in bedroom] Well of course she's in her bed, where do you think she sleeps, in the closet?

Chief: [99 has been spying on the Chief disguised as a blond pushing a pram] Well, well, if it isn't Mrs. Maxwell Smart. Do you mind if I take a peak at the baby?
Chief: [uncovers a camera in the pram] Oh, isn't he cute? And Japanese too.

Earl: Now the minute Dietrich sees that picture, he's gonna have to straigten it out. And the second he does:
[holds up index finger]
Earl: Bang.
Alex: That's brilliant! But, but what if Smart moves the picture before Dietrich does?
Earl: From what I've learned about Maxwell Smart, he doesn't even know he has a picture on the wall.

Maxwell: One shot from that pistol, and the cops will come rolling in here like oranges.

Kimmel: You were supposed to hug him and kiss him, not get friendly!

Maxwell: Hi Hoo, how are ya?
Harry: Eh, not too happy, Mr. Smart.
#: What's wrong?
Harry: Well to be too happy is to invite trouble from Hawaiian god Kina-Hora.

Maxwell: [Max is giving Fang orders in German] Fang, hitten the decken!

Agent: [Larabee walks in on Max & 99 kissing passionately] Yes, Larabee?
Larabee: Huh?
Agent: What did you want?
Larabee: I forgot.
Agent: Goodbye, Larabee.
Larabee: Can I watch while I'm trying to remember?
Agent: Get out, Larabee.

Maxwell: Play it again, Sam.
Pianist: My name ain't Sam.
Maxwell: Don't confuse me, I'm new in Casablanca.

Hathaway: Allow me to lower the umbrella of silence.
Maxwell: The umbrella of silence?
Hathaway: England, old boy.

Larabee: Sorry about your clock, lady.

Chief: Now Max, remember. Acting as a double agent is the most dangerous game in the world. These men are killers, they'll stop at nothing. You'll be living in constant danger every moment.
Maxwell: And... loving it!

Maxwell: [99's mother is at the door] Is she moving in with us already? We're not even married yet.

Chief: Absolutely brilliant!
Maxwell: Thank you Chief.
Chief: Oh, not you, Max, I mean the way they smuggled the diamonds.

Dr. Zharko: [Zharko points to a corpse in his laboratory] One month ago, this KAOS agent was ruthlessly murdered in cold blood.
Agent: By who?
Dr. Zharko: Me.

Maxwell: You see, I happen to be an expert at this game. As a matter of fact, I happen to be the pool champion of the entire East Coast. Would you believe it? The entire East Coast.
Willie: I find that hard to believe.
Maxwell: Would you believe the West Coast?
Willie: I don't think so.
Maxwell: How about Stubensville Ohio?

Train: Passports, please. Passports. We are now entering Liechtenstein.
[Smart hands the conductor his passport. The conductor stamps it, and leaves]
Train: [seconds later, the conductor returns] Passports, please. Passports. We are now leaving Liechtenstein.

Chief: All I asked for was a moustache, you call that a moustache?
Maxwell: [touching his bushy beard] Well, there's a moustache under here someplace, Chief.

Maxwell: Don't tell me you pulled the plug?
#: I pulled the plug, Max.
#: [before Max can say his catchphrase] You asked me not to tell you that, didn't you?

Chief: [Max is constantly falling down] Max, I think you're coming down with something.
Maxwell: Yes, well, if I am, Chief, I'm coming down with it a lot.

Maxwell: The ultimate weapon: kamikaze pigeons.

Hillary: Are you accusing me on this flimsy evidence?
Maxwell: No, I have some more flimsy evidence!

Chief: Max, I don't know what I'm going to do about you. You bungle assignment after assignment.
Maxwell: I resent that, Chief.
Chief: Do you deny it?
Maxwell: No, but I resent it.

Mr. Natz: That is why we have come to you. Probably the most accomplished evil genius in America.
Dr. Ratton: In the world.

#: [Agent Q has just performed 'Alouette'] Max, did you hear that?
Maxwell: Yes, he doesn't have a bad voice but he's lousy with lyrics.
#: No, it's the Control singing code. 'Curds and whey' means 'KAOS agent', 'cigarette' means 'impostor' and 'Wenceslas' means 'get away'.
Maxwell: Check, 99. You took the words right out of my mouth.

Maxwell: Chief, I think Willie has one of your headaches...

Hymie: I'm lonesome.
[sits down]
Maxwell: Lonesome?
[grabs a chair to sit down next to Hymie]
Maxwell: Who are you lonesome for?
Hymie: For my friends at the office.
Maxwell: What friends?
Hymie: Shirley the intercom, Sid the coffee machine, Trudy the noiseless typewriter, Rex the elevator...

Agent: [hiding inside a weight and fortune machine] Hi 86, Agent 13 here.
Maxwell: What have you got, 13?
Agent: Claustrophobia and flat feet.

Mary: Thank you, eh, mister...
Maxwell: Oh, I'm sorry.
[takes out a calling card]
Maxwell: Bill Banford, president of the Ramid American Oil Company.
Mary: I've seen Mr. Banford. He's a tall, sixty year old man with grey hair, he was a guest in our hotel once.
Maxwell: Oh.
[takes out another card]
Maxwell: Well how about Fred Lamister, munitions.
Mary: I think I've seen him.
Maxwell: Oh.
[picks another card]
Maxwell: Harry Schlerb, toy manufacturer?
Mary: Well...
Maxwell: Mervin Gribbs, calling card manufacturer?
Mary: I've never met the man.
Maxwell: Ah!
[picks up his glass]
Maxwell: Then meet Mervin Gribbs.
[they clink]

Agent: Oh, it looks like we're in big trouble, Max.
Maxwell: [armed only with a water pistol] I know, I'm out of water.

Mimsi: What happened?
Maxwell: [Smart has just won a fight against Grubnik the Spoiler] Oh, nothing, I just picked up a copy of 'War and Peace' and got involved...

Chief: 'The little red tractor that huffed and puffed'.
Agent: Must be some kind of code, Chief.
Chief: That's possible, 99
Maxwell: [slaps the table] That's it, Chief.
Chief: That's what?
Maxwell: Red means communist. Tractor means farmer. Huff and puff means tired.
[sits back with a smug look on his face]
Chief: What's that supposed to mean?
Maxwell: I don't know. Find a tired communist farmer and ask him.

Chief: [on public phone] General, this is the Chief of Control. I'm in Miami and I won't be able to get out because we're under twelve feet of snow.
General: [on other line] Oh, that's bad.
Maxwell: Let me talk to him, Chief.
[grabs phone]
Maxwell: Hello General, this is Maxwell Smart. I'm stuck down here too.
General: But that's good.

Chief: Larabee, confiscate that plant.
Larabee: I can't Chief. I'm not a priest.

The: Old Chinese saying: punishment is companion of failiure.
The: [whips Abe Fu Yung four times] That's enough. Be glad I'm in a happy mood today.

Maxwell: Hold it, Larabee. Who wrote Little Women?
Larabee: Eh, the book or the picture?
Maxwell: It was a book?

Maxwell: [Miss U.S.A., wearing only Max's pajama top, lets Max into his apartment] Tisha, what are you wearing?
Miss U.S.A.: I took the liberty of borrowing a pair of your pajamas. I hope you don't mind.
Maxwell: No, that's all right.
Miss U.S.A.: My, you are a neat man, Mr. Smart.
Maxwell: Why thank you Tisha.
Miss U.S.A.: Shirts in one drawer and socks in another drawer; classified information in another drawer. I couldn't get the top drawer open though.
Maxwell: I always keep that drawer locked.
Miss U.S.A.: Why? What's in it?
Maxwell: [Eying Tisha's legs] Pajama bottoms.

Maxwell: I certainly hope I shot the right one of me.

#: Don't worry Max, we've got the best criminal lawyer available.
Maxwell: [quite exited] Gregson?
Chief: No, he wouldn't touch the case.
Maxwell: [less enthusiastic] Boumser?
#: No, he said he was leaving town.
Chief: Right after he heard about your case...
Maxwell: [getting worried] Yarmy?
#: No, he's defending the Boston Strangler.
Maxwell: [desperate] Don't tell me it's Hanrahan?
#: It's Hanrahan.
Maxwell: I asked you not to tell me that! He hasn't won a case in 30 years!
Chief: I guess he just want to keep his record perfect.

Maxwell: I think I'd better have a talk with Mr. Siegfried.
Agent: Good thinking, Max, but how are you going to find him?
Maxwell: Very simple, 99, I happen to know that Ludwig will be at the Smithsonian Institute at 9 am on Tuesday.
Chief: Max, who cares about Ludwig, what about Siegfried?
Maxwell: Chief, you don't understand. 'Ludwig' is the KAOS codename for Siegfried and '9 am on Tuesday' is actually 11 am on Thursday.
Chief: [glances at watch] Well it's almost that time now. Max, you'd better get started for the Smithsonian right away.
Maxwell: Chief, the 'Smithsonian' is the KAOS codename for park.
Chief: [shouting] Max, get going right away!

99: Max, why don't you try to contact headquarters.
Maxwell: Hmm. That's a good idea, 99. I'll call them on my shoe and you breathe heavily on the Chief.

Siegfried: [Max has stopped at a traffic light] The world, the world is going to be destroyed in another 45 minutes, you schtupid! This is no time to stop for traffic lights!
Maxwell: Well don't tell that to me, tell it to the pigeon!
[the pigeon they are following is perched on top of the traffic light]

99: [Max and 99 are counting the donations for the Help our Chief Fund] Wow, here's one for 500 dollars!
Maxwell: 500 dollars! Now, that's great. Now we're getting some place. Who's that from?
99: The boys in counterfeiting.

99: Max, it's Siegfried and Shtarker!
Siegfried: Well it isn't Robinson Crusoe and Friday, cookie.

Chief: Admiral, what was the President's decision on the ransom?
Admiral: Oh, well, I talked to Herbert about that just a few minutes ago.
Chief: Herbert? Sir, Herbert Hoover is no longer President.
Admiral: Too bad. I thought he showed a lot of promise.

Maxwell: And now for the 'defector of the year' award. Outside this room is a KAOS traitor. One of their top agents who is now operating completely with Control. Although he is not going to get a golden pistol, he has received honorable mention for the Benedict Arnold medallion.

Chief: Come in, 86. I've got a new assignment for you.
Maxwell: Right, Chief.
Chief: It's a kidnapping case.
Maxwell: Oh, good. Who do you want me to kidnap?

Maxwell: Why, you're not your mother, you're your daughter.

C. Errol Madre: I've been waiting a long time, what do ya say we get started mañana?
Maxwell: Well, if it's all the same to you, Madre, I'd just as soon start tomorrow. Unless of course you wanna start mañana, it's up to you.

Basil: [Max has dropped his monocle into his goblet] You dropped your monocle, Sire.
Maxwell: [posing as King Charles] Yes. Well, fortunately I'm wearing my contact monocle.

Maxwell: [Siegfried has broken Max' shoe phone and thrown it back to him] Ok Siegfried, that's it, you've had it. It's one thing when you fight the United States government, but it's quite another thing entirely when you start to fool around with AT&T.

Maxwell: [during fencing duel] But KAOS is vicious, evil and rotten.
Otto: So is my agent!

Maxwell: Wait a minute, 99, how do we know it's not the Chameleon? We don't know the Chameleon's first name and we don't know Mr. Bob's last name. He could very well be Mr. Bob Chameleon.

Maxwell: Boy, time really does fly. Do you realize, 99, that agent 54 will be 36 today? My gosh, it seems like only yesterday that 54 was 35.

Larabee: [having hypnotized the Chief] Well, I want a raise, a few weeks off, a new car... and I think I would like your office. Yes, yes, I'd like that. You can take mine. And I want the location and the key to the secret executive wash-room. I'd like that. I'd love that. And...

Maxwell: Wait a minute, Chief, I read about that case in the papers. Three guys went into Fort Knox and they got 600 pounds of gold bars, put 'em in a sack, dropped them from a roof, to a guy who was waiting on the ground below.
Chief: That's right, Max.
Maxwell: And then all three guys on the roof were shot down.
Agent: How'd the fourth man die, Max?
Maxwell: He caught the sack.

The: Very amusing, Mr. Smart. I suppose you can guess what they call me?
[holds up right arm, with a large horseshoe magnet for a hand]
Maxwell: Lefty?
The: No, Mr. Smart. I am employed by KAOS. The international organization of evil. My name is The Claw!
Maxwell: The Craw?
The: No, not The Craw, The Claw!
Maxwell: Ah yes, The Craw.

Chief: I'm sorry I'm late, but I had an automobile accident right in front of the building. That idiot smashed in the whole front end of my car.
Maxwell: Well, don't worry about it, Chief, you're not the only one who's late, Larabee isn't here either.
Chief: Who do you think smashed in the front end of my car?

Gino: Mama mia, what's he got in his pocket, a printing-a press?
Maxwell: Must be a duplicating machine, the copies are getting lighter.

Maxwell: [looking at a showgirl in a skimpy outfit] That's Dr. Steel?
Chief: Yes. The chorus line is her cover.
Maxwell: Not much of a cover, is it?
Chief: Max!
Maxwell: Well, I'm not dead yet, Chief.

Maxwell: [Max has been handed Dr. Steel's bill] 48 dollars? For what?
#: For your life, Max!
Maxwell: But she works for Control!
Chief: She developed this on her own time, Max.
Maxwell: But this is ridiculous. This is the most ridiculous thing I've ever heard of. I'm not paying this bill, 48 dollars, that's out of the question. Forget about it. I wouldn't pay it if my life depended on it.
Chief: It does Max, you have to take another dose of this tomorrow and she had to give it to you if you're to complete your cure.
Maxwell: 99, do you have 48 dollars you could let me have until pay day?

Maxwell: Chief! I send Larabee in to get the book and they locked the safe on him.
Chief: Come on, Max. Let's go.
Maxwell: Chief, what are you talking about? Larabee is locked in and nobody knows about it except you and me.
Chief: Shh. Come on.

Maxwell: You see the moment I suspected there was something wrong with this old scow, I immediately telephoned headquarters and I happen to know that at this very minute seven coastguard cutters are converging on this boat. Would you believe it? Seven.
Mr. Big: I find that pretty hard to believe.
Maxwell: Would you believe six?
Mr. Big: I don't think so.
Maxwell: How about two cops in a rowboat?

Maxwell: 99, these footprints were made by a man six feet two and a half inches tall, two hundred and twenty four and a quarter pounds, blond hair, blue eyes, a scar on his left cheek and walked with a decided limp.
99: Now Max, that's very hard to believe.
Maxwell: Would you believe it if I took out the limp?

Chief: [holding up a double pistol] Do you know what this is is?
Maxwell: Sure, it's a twelve shooter.
Chief: Max, this is KAOS' secret weapon. It's a stereophonic pistol.
Maxwell: [grabs the pistol] A stereophonic pistol? That's fantastic, Chief. You mean you can shoot a bullet from this barrel, and you can shoot a bullet from this barrel and if you stand in between, it's just like being there in person.
Chief: Something like that.

Chief: Max, have you ever jumped from a plane?
Maxwell: Yes Chief, once, during the war.
Chief: When?
Maxwell: Just before it took off for overseas.

Maxwell: Don't pay any attention to him, Phoebe. He's an electronics genius.
Phoebe: Oh, are you in electronics?
Hymie: No, electronics are in me.

The: Not "The Craw", The Craw!

Agent: [about Mimsi Sage] What does she do?
Chief: We don't have much on her. We know that she writes children's books. She wrote 'The Tiger that couldn't', 'The Elephant that wouldn't' and 'The Pussy that would like to'.

Carlson: We've developed this special equipment. Inside this camera is a hidden tape recorder. And this tape recorder actually conceals a hidden camera!
Maxwell: May I ask you a question, Professor Carlson?
Carlson: Certainly.
Maxwell: Eh, why hide a tape recorder in a camera and a camera in a tape recorder? Why not just take pictures with the camera and record with the recorder?
Carlson: Because my mind doesn't work that way, that's why.

Maxwell: Chief, the food here is terrible. This sandwich tastes like I'm chewing on paper.
#: Max, the message!
Maxwell: [realizing] I'm chewing on paper.
Maxwell: [takes out the message] Chief, it's the message: unable to leave message in pool. The names of the enemy agents are:
Chief: Are what?
Maxwell: In my stomach.
Chief: What?
Maxwell: I ate the rest of the message, Chief.

Chief: That's just what we've been waiting ten years to hear. Larabee, You got your tape recorder?
Larabee: Right here, Chief.
Chief: Good boy.
Larabee: When do you want me to turn it on?

Chief: [the chief drinks a glass of Bourbon, thinking it's buttermilk to ease his throat] That's not buttermilk!
Maxwell: You bet your sweet life it isn't!

C. Errol Madre: 2150 to headquarters -- is what Madre said when calling KAOS. It is a reprise of Crawford's often used line on his Highway Patrol series.

Maxwell: You might as well hand over that gun, Blaster, because this yacht happens to be surrounded by the seventh fleet.
The: I find that hard to believe.
Maxwell: Would you believe the sixth fleet?
The: I don't think so.
Maxwell: How about a school of angry flounder?

Maxwell: But 99, you can't stay here all night.
#: Oh Max, we're in this together. I wanna feel that you're safe.
Maxwell: But you're a girl. What if my mother walked in? She just got used to seeing me in long pants.

Chief: Max, this job calls for an agent with high intelligence, sharp judgement and total fearlessness.
Maxwell: [flattered] Well, ok Chief, if you put it that way...
Chief: Unfortunately I can't spare 99 right now.

Chief: Larabee, I'm going down to the lab, if anybody wants me, you know where I'll be.
Larabee: Where's that, Chief?

Herald: Hear ye, hear ye! Announcing the arrival of her royal highness. Daughter of the King of Esterhagen, Dutches of Baravia, lady in waiting to the dowager queen of Lichtenstein, heiress apparent to the Barony of Lowengrau, grand-niece to the Duke of Groustark, first cousin to the Count of Montevillio, third cousin once removed to the burgermeister of Camenbrau, the betrothed of King Charles of Caronia, her royal highness, princes...
Herald: [at a loss for words, goes out to check her name, then returns] Marta!

Agent: Wait a minute, aren't you going to ask, "how was your flight"?
Maxwell: Alright, how was your flight?
Agent: Don't ask.

#: [Max and 99 burst into Dee Dee's diner on a motorcycle] Max, I thought you were never going to brake!
Maxwell: I didn't, I ran outta gas.

Dr. Yes: It is said a wise lobster knows the power of its own claws.
Maxwell: Eh, yes. Well it is also said that he who lives by the sword...
[turns to 99]
Maxwell: How does it go, 99?
#: Dies by the sword, Max.

Maxwell: Mr. Ambassador, they're trying to kill you. The dead cowboy told me.
[pointing his finger at the Ambassador's chest for emphasis]
Maxwell: They killed him twice!

Agent: Max, Hannibal Day wrote the script.
Maxwell: He did? I just read it, it's terrible.
Agent: Max, he's a murderer!
Maxwell: Oh. Well I knew he wasn't a writer.

Agent: [in baby carriage] Hello 86.
Maxwell: Is that you, 44?
Agent: No, it's Spiro Agnew. Of course it's me. Who else would get a job like this?
Maxwell: Spiro Agnew?

Agent: I'll use my "shh".
Maxwell: What's a "shh"?
Agent: It's what you call a silencer.

Hogarth: Yes, it was me. I hated Rebecca, and I hated Hester. And as you can see, I wasn't too crazy about Sebastian, either. And as for Jason, he's a thief, a liar and a blackmailer. But he's my brother and I'm proud of him.

Leadside: Splendid, then phase 2 is about to be completed: the destruction of Control. There's just one thing that's disturbing me...
Kelley: What is that, Leadside?
Leadside: We're traveling at approximately 65 miles an hour, am I correct?
Norman: Yes.
Leadside: And we're all here, you Norman, Kelly, and me?
Kelley: So what's disturbing you?
Leadside: Who's driving the van?

Maxwell: [Hymie has just wolfed down Max's hotdog] How did it taste?
Hymie: Delicious. Even the poison was good.
Maxwell: Poison?
Hymie: I'm programmed to detect poison. That was arsenic, 8 grams, 2 cc's.
Maxwell: Are you alright Hymie?
Hymie: Of course. Arsenic is good for cleaning out my tubes.

Maxwell: I'll have to find a place to hide him. Wait a minute. I know just the place.
Dr. Harris: Where?
Maxwell: A ghost town out on highway 81.
Dr. Harris: But Max, that's a tourist trap. Hundreds of people go there every week.
Maxwell: Not that one, doctor, the one Control build right across the street from it.
Dr. Harris: Control build a ghost town across the street from a ghost town?
Maxwell: Yes. In that way no one would be suspicious in case we needed one of our own.

Agent: [hiding in a funnel] What took you so long to get here?
Maxwell: Well, first of all, we had to decode that secret message you left on the porthole.
Agent: Was it hard? You know, secret messages are one of my specialties.
Maxwell: I've seen harder...
Agent: [lying] Max figured it out right away.
Agent: You did? Well you wait until next time. I've got a humdinger. You'll never get it!
Maxwell: What are you talking about, 44? What good is a secret message if n one cn understand it?
Agent: Listen, 86, I don't have much fun on this job. There's no mingling with the glamorous passengers. No deck tennis. No gala evenings at the captain's table. No, no, not for me.
Maxwell: Take it easy, 44, take it easy!
Agent: I mean, a spy can only take so muuch. Funnels and portholes and sleeping in the cargo hold. Hiding, always hiding. I want to come in from the cold.

Larabee: You know, Max, sometimes I think the Chief doesn't like me.
Agent: Why do you say that, Larabee?
Larabee: I'll tell you, 99. Take that beautiful Japanese dagger he gave me for my birthday.
Agent: Well, I saw that dagger. That's very expensive. If the Chief didn't like you, he wouldn't give you a gift like that.
Larabee: That's just it, 99. He didn't give it to me, he threw it at me!

Maxwell: Yes sir, the one thing you never wanna do is to pull a horses tooth when he's standing up.

#: Usual procedure?
Chief: Naturally, three copies of the report.
#: File the master copy and burn the other two.
Chief: Of course.
#: Chief, I've been meaning to ask you about that. Why do we bother making extra copies when all we do is destroy them?
Chief: That's security procedure, 99.
#: Doesn't it strike you as being a little odd?
Chief: Well, I used to think so too, but well it's all carefully explained in the Control Standard Procedure Handbook.
#: Oh, may I have a look at that handbook some time?
Chief: No, I'm afraid not, 99.
#: Why not?
Chief: We burned it.

Siegfried: That trick is stupid! That trick is dumb! That trick is childish! Und... the destroyer is out of range.

#: [Max and 99 wake up in a tent] Max, where are we?
Maxwell: [looking up to see two veiled women] Heaven?
#: I don't think so.
Maxwell: Then it must been an Arabian Playboy club.

Maxwell: Of course. The old gas bomb in the horoscope trick.
Hugo: Come on, let's get going.
Maxwell: What makes you think I'm going with you?
Hugo: The old gun in the hand trick.
[reveals gun in his hand]
Maxwell: Good trick!

Maxwell: Say, Siegfried, this sure is a nice little submarine you got here.
Siegfried: [ignoring him] Prepare torpedo!
Maxwell: Eh, would you mind if I took a little peek?
Siegfried: We don't peek here!

Colonel: From the moment you leave this train you'll be facing torture and death.
Maxwell: And... loving it.

Maxwell: [the Chief raises the Cone of Silence] Well what's the matter, Chief?
Chief: What's the matter? Didn't you hear that echo?
Maxwell: Didn't I hear what?
Chief: Echo, echo, echo!
Maxwell: Oh yes, I heard it that time.

Dr. Braam: Now Colonel, this is probably the first time you ever had a psychiatric examination, right?
Maxwell: Wrong.
Dr. Braam: Wrong?
Maxwell: Right.
Dr. Braam: Right?
Maxwell: Left.
Dr. Braam: Please...
Maxwell: Thank you.

Maxwell: So that's how you did it: the old check the baggage, take out the insurance, page 'em on the phone, spin the booth trick.
Nova: It's an old trick, Smart, but it's an effective one. As 21 of your Control agents before you can vouch.

Maxwell: Well, Chief, you got here just in time. Here they are and we got them all the way down the line. You can throw the book at them. Murder, espionage and dispensing food without a license.

Maxwell: Three months ago we had an open and shut case against Mondebello. Not only would he have gone to the electric chair, but he would have lost his booking franchise besides. Unfortunately, just before the trial, our key witness was murdered.
Ann: Were you on that case, Mr. Smart?
Maxwell: No, the Chief bungled that one himself.

Maxwell: Gina Mittusi. For heaven's sake, I haven't seen you in a long time.
Gina: We've never met, Mr. Smart.
Maxwell: That long, eh?

Chief: Cash in that train ticket I gave you.
Maxwell: What train ticket?
Chief: Didn't I give you a train ticket to Tacoma?
Maxwell: No, you gave me a tramway ticket to Tehachapi.
Chief: [interrupting] Now stop it, right there, I don't wanna get involved in any of those tongue twisters with you, Max, the last time I did it, I couldn't talk for two days.

Chief: [faced with four men dressed like Prince Abu Ben Bubi] Wait a minute, what is this? Max which one are you?
Maxwell: Right here, Chief.
Le: [impersonating Max] Right here, Chief.
Maxwell: Right here, Chief.
Le: No, he's Le Moco, I'm Max.
Maxwell: Don't fall for that, Chief. I'm Max.
Prince: I'm the prince.
Agent: I'm hungry.

Chief: [on phone] I hope you're not in Lovers Lane by yourself, it could draw attention to you.
Maxwell: [on steering wheel phone] Don't worry Chief, I have my Inflato-Girl with me.

Maxwell: [the pigeon they are following is in a birdbath at the park] How do you like this? 20 minutes till doomsday, and he stops to take a bath.
Starker: I hope that he is not a she.
Siegfried: What difference does it make, Shtarker?
Starker: I may be a killer but I am not a peeping Tom.

99: [looking at slide # 5, a bond in a bikini] Who is that?
Maxwell: George Robinson, Kaos agent, Hawaiian branch.
99: Fabulous disguise.
Maxwell: I saw through it in only one minute. Would you believe it? One minute.
99: I find that very difficult to believe.
Maxwell: Would you believe... two minutes?
99: I don't think so.
Maxwell: How about our fourth date?

Chief: This mission is so top secret, that for the next seventy two hours you'll be entirely on your own. You won't even be able to contact Control. You won't know me, and I won't know you. Good luck, Max
[holds out his hand]
Maxwell: I beg your pardon, I don't believe we've met.

#: [speaking to Max by Revolver Phone] What's happening, Max?
Maxwell: [on the fog-shrouded deck of the ship] Well, I can see a light.
#: What is it?
Maxwell: Well, it must be the bridge. I can just barely make out someone standing up there.
#: That must be Captain Groman.
Maxwell: Uh huh. Well, now there's someone standing right next to him.
#: That must be Captain Groman's Oriental servant.
Maxwell: So *that's* Groman's Chinese.

Chief: [Max just dove into a pool to retrieve a bottle which turns out to be empty] Sorry about that, Max.
Maxwell: Well, that's all right, Chief. It wasn't a complete waste of time. This is a deposit bottle. I can get a nickel back on it.

Agent: You'll be in extreme danger every minute.
Maxwell: ...and... loving it

Maxwell: Listen, I hope I wasn't out of line with that crack about the big ugly gorilla.

Agent: And if any of you ever get to my country, be sure and give me a call; I'll be happy to show you around.
[grabs his card]
Agent: You can eh, you can reach me at that number.
Maxwell: [reads the card] Oscar's delicatessen. Say, that's a great idea, using a delicatessen for a front.
Agent: What front? That's the business we're in. We only do spy work during our slack season.

Agent: [on the verge of crying] I'm sorry Max, It's just that we've had so little time together.
Maxwell: Well, it couldn't be helped, 99. After all, there are no holidays in the fight against evil.

Chief: Oh and Max, remember: both Joshua and the Baron are ruthless, cold blooded killers. From the minute you set foot in that hotel you'll be facing constant, extreme danger.
Maxwell: And... loving it.

Chief: Larrabee, you're wasting your time. That door is a foot thick and it's constructed of iron and laminated steel. You'll never open it with a quarter.
Larabee: How 'bout two dimes and a nickel?

Maxwell: I must say that you've handled yourself very well, Tisha, in the midst of all this violence and horror and deceit.
Miss U.S.A.: Well, after all, this is my third beauty contest.

Maxwell: Well, at least we know one thing, it's pretty obvious.
Agent: What's that, Max?
Maxwell: Well, the man with the scar is definitely a candle maker.
Chief: No, he's a pick-pocket.
Maxwell: Oh. A pick-pocket who's a candlemaker on the side?
Maxwell: [the inspector does not answer] A pick-pocket who doesn't believe in electricity?

Maxwell: Don't play dumb with me sister, I happen to be an expert at that.

#: Isn't it exciting, Max? Only a minute and a half to blast off!
Maxwell: Relax, 99. If you've seen one fifty million dollar blast off, you've seen them all.

Hathaway: [pointing a gun at Max, the Chief and 99] Only one question remains: who goes first?
Maxwell: Eh, you haven't volunteered for anything lately, Chief...

Chief: Max, we're trained not to have any personal feelings. But I think you know that if I had any children, I'd like them to be like you and Fang.

Maxwell: [after an explosion, bits of paper are falling down like confetti] What are all these papers?
Chief: Well Max, that was, those were secret papers of Control!
Maxwell: Well why didn't you tell me, Chief?
Chief: I couldn't, Max, it was a secret!
Maxwell: 99, you don't happen to have a bottle of glue on you, do ya?

[repeated line]
Maxwell: I asked you not to tell me that!

Chief: Now remember, now that we know that KAOS is in possession of the stolen plans, what we have to find out is how they intend to smuggle them out of the country and when.
Maxwell: Yes. Well, what you're saying, Chief is that now that we know how, all we have to do is find out who, when and where.
Chief: No, forget about where. When we find out how, we'll know where.
Maxwell: Well, how will how tell us where?
Chief: If it's going by boat, it's probably going to Richelieu's salon in Beirut, which is a safe port. If it's going by plane, it'll probably go to his salon in Damascus. You understand?
Maxwell: Yes, I understand Chief, but I don't think I quite agree with you. You see all you've told me is that we know how but we don't know who, when or where. So that tells us that we don't know anything.
Chief: [blinks] What?
Maxwell: Well, we know who, and that doesn't tell us when, so why should how tell us where?
Chief: Max, you're driving me crazy.
Maxwell: How?
Chief: Don't say that word!
Maxwell: Why?

Maxwell: Do you always carry two fur coats?
Tracy: 'Course. One's for wearing, the other's for dragging.

Chief: I'm going to telephone Max and tell him to wake that woman and kiss her.
Agent: What?
Chief: 99, no two women kiss alike. The second Max kisses her he'll know it's not you.
Agent: Chief, that's a terrible idea!
Chief: Why?
Agent: What if she's better?

Maxwell: The old gas mask in the false nose trick!

Chief: [addressing Tisha] Miss Heinschmidt...
Miss U.S.A.: [interrupting] Would you call me "Miss USA"? It sounds so much nicer than "Miss Heinschmidt".

Chief: Max, we've taken every precaution. We've even activated maximum security plan Omega.
Maxwell: [his face brightens] Plan Omega?
Chief: [nods] And you know how long it's been since we've used that plan.
Maxwell: That's right, 99. My gosh, we haven't used that plan, since the day that Omega was murdered!

Agent: How are you,8 ½?
Agent: [hiding in a bowling ball return] How am I? Terrible! I keep forgetting to duck every time the ball is returning. I've got a bump on the back of my head the size of a bowling ball. Wait a minute, that is a bowling ball
[ducks, letting the bowling ball slide over him]

Maxwell: [Max has got Lemon Meringue Pie all over the Chief] Sorry about... that, Chief. What's new?
Chief: This suit was, until I walked in.

Maxwell: Just a moment. Supposing that I don't pull the string on any of the dolls? Supposing I just wait here until somebody comes and finds me?
Valerie: Unfortunately, my dear Mr. Smart, there's only enough air left in this room to last 30 minutes.
[leaves, sliding door shut]
Maxwell: [shouting] Oh yeah? Well supposing I hold my breath?

The: I am the Countess Rifchevsky.
Maxwell: I am the Maxwell Smart.

Waiter: [grabs 86 by the lapels, lifting him off the ground] Listen bud, I don't like people to look at me funny.
Maxwell: Well if you don't like the way I'm looking at ya, you're gonna hate what I'm gonna say to ya. Besides, you don't look like the type that would to to England to visit the Queen.
Waiter: Pussycat?
Maxwell: Pussycat, pussycat where have you been?
Waiter: I've been to London to visit the Queen.

Preminger: We want ze formula!
99's: What formula?
Stroheim: The formula given to you by your husband in Greece.
99's: Greece? Oh, now I know who you have me mixed up with: Jacqueline Kennedy.

Chief: [Max' rubber duck gun goes off in the Chief's hand] Just like Max. If I told him once, I've told him a thousand times: Max, never leave your duck loaded.

Maxwell: [Carlson is demonstrating the A14 Mark II assinagrator] Well, that's fascinating, Professor, what does it do?
Carlson: Absolutely nothing. But in the event you are captured by the enemy, they'll be so intrigued by the way it works, you'll have time to escape.

#: Max, you're alright!
Maxwell: Yes. He fell for the old false neck trick.

Chief: [on phone] You mean you're using more than one pseudonym on this case?
Maxwell: [on other line] That's right, Chief. You see that way if I get a call and I'm not able to answer it, at least I know who to call back.
Chief: That seems to makes sense and that worries me.

Maxwell: Of course. The old microphone in the squeegee trick.

TV: [Max and Sid burst into apartment where couple is watching TV:] I'm telling ya Mae, we gotta get out of this neighbourhood.

Internship: [witnessing a big fight in the hospital lobby] You know, I don't think I'll complete my full internship in this hospital. Not if they make you go down to the lobby and get your own patients.

Siegfried: You fools! Incompetents! Bunglers!Dumkopfs! Sissies! Call yourselves "killers." You are not worthy of the name. In the past three weeks, Maxwell Smart has personally eliminated no less than eleven...
[shouts]
Siegfried: DO YOU HEAR ME, STUPIDS? Maxwell Smart has personally eliminated no less than eleven of our most vicious, brutal, cold-blooded agents!
[pause]
Siegfried: Some of whom were my most best, dearest, sweetest, kindest friends.

KAOS: If we can't have the formula, nobody else will. Professor Whitaker must be killed!
[hits desk again]
Sidney: But we can't get into Control Headquarters to kill him.
KAOS: Then we must find a way to draw him out of the building before he completes the transmission. But how... how? Does anybody here have an answer?
Sidney: What would make him walk out of a meeting of such importance?
KAOS: Sidney... Sidney I asked for an answer, not a question.

Maxwell: [on their wedding night] You know, 99, you have the prettiest shoulders I...
99: Oh, well you've seen them before, Max.
Maxwell: Yes. But never without a holster.

Luden: Let's torture him.
Kimmel: No, that is not necessary. Mr. Smart is a reasonable man, are you not?
Maxwell: I are not.

99: Mother, you just call Max 'Max' and Max, you call mother 'mother'.
[they all sit down on a couch]
Maxwell: Right, 99.
99's: 99?
99: Oh, eh, Max and I have pet names for each other, heh, sometimes he calls me '99' and sometimes I call him '86'.
99's: Isn't that cute. You can call me '38' if it isn't taken.
Maxwell: No, no. No it isn't.

Chief: Now Max, you and 99 are to contact agent 44 at this adress: the Bye-Bye Baby Buggy Bargain Bazaar.
Maxwell: Is that Barbie's Bye-Bye Baby Buggy Bargain Bazaar?
Chief: No, no, no, Barbie's Bye-Bye Baby Buggy Bargain Bazaar is on Balboa Boulevard. You're to go to Bunny Beebe's Bye-Bye Baby Buggy Bargain Bazaar on Barnaby Boulevard.

Maxwell: [Gazzman, barely breathing, whisper something in Harry Hoo's ear] What is he saying?
Harry: He says your knee is on his chest.
Maxwell: Sorry about that.

Maxwell: [Max is trying on a blue blazer] Are you kidding me, this is long enough to be an overcoat.
Lin: Ok, so you got long jacket or short overcoat.

Maxwell: [posing as Alexander Loomis] New eh? And British. What was Micky Mantle's batting average in 1961?
Hillary: I eh, I don't know...
Maxwell: Correct. Because if you did know, you'd be American, not British. A new trainee can't be too careful.
Dean: Smart!
Maxwell: No, Loomis.

#: Wait! Before you shoot us. I'd like to ask for something.
Kosovich: What is it?
#: A goodbye kiss.
Maxwell: 99, you hardly know him!

Chief: I know this is going to come as a shock, but that painting, and every painting in this museum, belongs to the man they work for.
Agent: But Chief, everything in this museum belongs to the United States.
Chief: That's the trouble, 99. The man they work for owns the United States.

Maxwell: Now, here's a point that all the men are very, very interested in: for example. If we're captured by enemy agents and taken to a foreign country, why can't we come back tourist class instead of having to stow away?

Maxwell: You think that I would resort to deliberate lies, deceit and disobedience?
Chief,118974: Yes.
Maxwell: Well how about this...

Maxwell: Bediyoskin told us to contact you. He even wrote your initials on a slip of paper. T.B.O.
Tom: T.B.O. can mean a lot of things.
Maxwell: Oh really? For instance, give me another T.B.O.
Caterer: One T.B.O. forty cents.
Maxwell: T.B.O.?
Caterer: Tomato and bacon on an onion roll.

Leo: If you have any questions, call us.
Maxwell: Looking at paper: Is this your phone number?
Leo: No. That's the bill. The phone number only has 7 digits.

Maxwell: Now listen carefully, do exactly what I tell you, 99. Get up very slowly and look over the drum. Do you see a dark haired man in a white suit?
99: [whispering] Yes I do!
Maxwell: Don't be scared, 99. I think it's me.

Maxwell: What is it, Max?
99: Well, either it's the biggest magnet in the world or it's the biggest horsshoe in the world. And if it's the biggest horseshoe, I'd hate to see the horse.

Janet: Mr. Smart, you are so handsome, so sophisticate. Je t'adore.
Maxwell: Oh, is it open?

Lopez the Spy: Ricardo Montalban hates tortillas.

Maxwell: [after the doorbell rings] Be quiet.
[draws his gun]
Agent: Do you think it might be KAOS?
Maxwell: Either that or your mother.

Maxwell: 99, how can you worry about a ring at a time like this? We've got less than two hours before that missile center is gonna blow up. And not only do we not know how it's going to be done, we don't even know who is gonna do it.
Agent: We know when.
Maxwell: Yes, well, knowing when isn't gonna tell us who or how. I'd gladly trade my when for a who and a how.
Agent: Why?
Maxwell: Eh... Why. Yeah, a good question, 99. Well, you see, if we know who, then we can watch how who did it, and then that will give us our who, our how, and our when.
Agent: That makes sense.
Maxwell: I know it, 99, that's what worries me.

Chief: Max! Are you sure you're alright? I mean you've fallen down twice in less than a minute. Even for you that's a lot.

Maxwell: One of the world's greatest philosophers, Ghengis Khan, once said that a warped barrel is a fool's frustration.

Jacoby: [trying to decypher the map on Smart's chest] This is a mountain.
Kohlman: That's a mole.
Jacoby: Well, it looks like a mountain to me.
Kohlman: I said it's a mole, stop trying to make a mountain out of a mole.

KAOS: I give you opportunity after opportunity and yet you keep failing
[slaps desk]
KAOS: . So why do I keep giving you another chance? Sydney? Tell me why.
Sidney: I don't know Uncle Boris.

Maxwell: I happen to be a secret agent.
Ozark: [Annie bursts out laughing] You're kidding.
Maxwell: What's so hard to believe about that?
Ozark: Well face it, you ain't no Sean O'Connery. You know, all handsome and confident. Well, just take a look into the mirror, puddin'.

Maxwell: Now remember doctor, I want you to wipe everything from your memory.
Dr. Fish: Wipe everything from my memory. Eh... even my twelve dollars?
Maxwell: Especially your twelve dollars.

Maxwell: [speaking on his gun-phone] 99, I'm gonna have to hang up now. I may have to fire my phone.

Maxwell: This is a very special champagne. Notice the year:
Miss: Oh yes. 1969?
Maxwell: Yes. It's an advance bottle. I understand that that will be a very good year for wine.

Waitress: I get off at three o'clock.
Simon the Likeable: Oh, I'm sorry, I'm busy this afternoon. Maybe, some other time.
Waitress: There won't be another time, I'm gonna kill myself.
Simon the Likeable: Oh, don't do that.
Waitress: Ok, whatever you say.

Professor: [about his Electro-Retrogressor Gun] This is it. One of the most incredible of my many incredible inventions.

Maxwell: There's no doubt about it, 99, Professor Duval is our man.
Agent: But how can you be so sure, Max?
Maxwell: Well, it's really quite simple: instinct, logic and a lack of suspects.

Maxwell: [reads message from the secret compartment in the Chiefs desk] In case anything happens to me, contact my superior: Zebra 642. We're gonna have to look this up in the Chief's special codebooks
#: [pushes button to reveal the codebooks behind fake books on bookshelf] Zebra, that's the blue book.
Maxwell: [Carlton reaches for the blue book] The blue book is the one with the green cover.
Carlson: Since when does a blue book have a green cover?
#: Max worked it out with the coding section. In case of a KAOS infiltrator every book has a cover identity.
Maxwell: You see we have a cover for a cover.
Carlson: [reading from the book] It says: see green book.
Maxwell: The green book is the one with the blue cover.
#: Max couldn't throw away a perfectly good book cover.

Rodger: Vasquez is dead.
Naomi: Shall I play something?

Maxwell: [on shoe-phone] Hello Chief?
Chief: [on phone in office] Hello Max. What's wrong? your voice sounds scratchy.
Maxwell: Oh, it must be the sand in the shoe. Chief.

[repeated line]
The: Not The Craw! The Craw!

Maxwell: The old paper pal detonator pen!

Siegfried: Nein, Nein, Ninety-Nine!

Larabee: How about that, one crutch is shorter than the other.
Maxwell: You're telling me. When I walk, I limp. With a limp!

Maxwell: [on garden hose phone] He was a little suspicious at first, until I gave him cover story 3MB. He fell for it completely.
Chief: [on other end of the hose] Fine, good luck, Max.
Chief: .
[connection is broken]
Chief: 3MB? We haven't used that since Pearl Harbor.

Miss: [Miss Smith takes a sip of champagne containing her own sleeping pill] Excellent champagne.
Maxwell: [Max has just sipped champagne containing his own truth serum] Are you kidding? This is the cheapest champagne I could buy.

Chief: I've written the location of your contacts on this piece of paper. Be sure to destroy it.
Maxwell: Right, Chief.
[Max takes the piece of paper and immediately burns it]
Chief: No, no, no, Max! First memorize it, then destroy it!

Larrabee: What's wrong, Chief?
Chief: The line's dead. And if I can't find Max in exactly 23 minutes, he'll be dead too.

Maxwell: Listen, 13, if you hate your job so much, why don't you get into some other line of business?
Agent: Because I'm a trained espionage agent. And besides, it runs in the family.
Maxwell: Your father was a spy?
Agent: No, my mother.
Maxwell: Really?
Agent: Yeah. She was very big in world war one.
Maxwell: No kidding. What's her name?
Agent: I don't know, she won't tell us.

Maxwell: Then it's true: you really can bring people back from the dead.
Dr. Zharko: Yes, as long as I receive the bodies before rigor mortis sets in.
Maxwell: Well, that lets Ed Sullivan out.

Maxwell: This is top security. I'll use my garter phone.
[starts rolling up pant leg]
#: Why are you wearing two garters?
Maxwell: How do you like that? They tapped my garter phone.

Maxwell: [Max's life has just been saved by the Cigarette girl] It's you. I don't think I understand.
Cigarette: [speaking with a man's voice] My name is Charlie Watkins, Control West.

Chief: [opens violin case] This is the Narco 5-12...
Maxwell: I recognized it immediately.
Chief: ...A weapon so new that no one has ever seen it before.

Maxwell: So. It's Miss Hilton. Susan Hilton. I worked with you for five years and you never told me your name.
99: You never asked me.
Maxwell: Susan Hilton. I don't like it. I like 99 a lot better.

Chief: Smart!
Maxwell: What do you want?
Chief: A few answers.
Maxwell: Sorry, but I don't think I'm gonna like the questions.
Chief: We're missing 68.000 dollars.
Maxwell: That's tough. Have you looked behind the sofa cushions?

Agent: Max, that knife missed you by inches.
Maxwell: You think it's some kind of a warning?

Maxwell: [Speaking into his tomahawk telephone] Don't worry 99, 43 is a good man.
Agent: [Answering on regular walkie talkie] You're worth two 43's, 86.

99: Oh Max, you were right. I should have had you get the lace pillow that said 'mother'.

Madame: What about those two little old ladies you followed?
KAOS: They seemed harmless enough. They went directly from here to the racetrack.

Maxwell: The old lighter in the gun in the rabbit trick!

Emil: Look, the only reason I eat this food is because the garbage man refuses to take it away.

Chief: In answer to your question, 99, they were never able to make a conviction stick against Sam Vittorio. However they deported him in 1937 as an undesirable alien.
Agent: To Italy?
Chief: No, to Pittsburgh.
Maxwell: Pittsburgh?
Chief: Yeah, they really threw the book at him.

Maxwell: The old communications equipment in the French bread trick.

Leadside: No tricks, Mr. Smart, we have to get down to the business at hand: phase three.
Maxwell: And just how do you propose to phase three me, Leadside? One shot and all those Control agents will come rolling in here like oranges.

Mr. Smith: Eh, pardon me, I have it on reliable authority that professor Longnecker was murdered earlier this morning.
Maxwell: Yes, that's true. You must be an old friend come to offer condoleances.
Mr. Smith: No, I'm the landlord, come to show the apartment.

Phoebe: Why, I almost made a terrible mistake. I met a man who was warm and considerate and because I had a schoolgirl crush on someone else, I almost past him by. But now I know who I really love.
Chief: You don't mean?
Phoebe: Yes. Max, can you ever forgive me?
Chief: Phoebe, I've known Max for a long while and believe me, I'm very... fond of him. But if it comes down to a choice between the two of them, please take Hymie.

Basil: I may be a half brother, but I do not use half measures. Kill them both.

Maxwell: [talking on ice-cream phone] There's no time to wait, 99. I wanna catch them red-handed. Besides, my phone is melting.

Chief: At last we've broken the cultural arm of KAOS.
Agent: This is going to be a real blow to evil music lovers everywhere.

Parkerson: A secret agent? Where are your credentials?
Maxwell: Eh, my credentials. Well, I left them in my moustache kit.

General: [shouting] Leap! Leap! Do your famous leap!
#: [posing as the famous dance team Conchita & Conchata] What are they saying Max?
Maxwell: He likes me. He likes me a heep!

#: [in telephone booth on assignment] Have you been eating a good breakfast?
Maxwell: [on phone at home] Don't worry, 99, every morning when I get up, I do down to the lunchroom on the corner, have breakfast and then I run right back to the apartment.
#: Oh Max, you shouldn't eat there, the food is terrible.
Maxwell: Why do you think I run right back to the apartment?
#: Max, I don't want you to eat there anymore. If you don't feel like cooking for yourself, why don't you go to the supermarkets and get some TV dinners.
Maxwell: I did, 99, but they cancelled all my favorites.

Maxwell: Well, I'm your man, Chief. This is my assignment.
Chief: Max, this is extremely dangerous, you'd be on the spot, walking a tightrope. Possibly facing a violent death.
Maxwell: And... loving it!

Maxwell: Well, what can I do for you, Miss, eh...
Tamara: Tamara.
Maxwell: Tomorrow? I thought you wanted to talk to me today?
Tamara: I do. My name is Tamara. I'm a dancer.
Maxwell: Oh, well I'm sorry, we're not hiring any dancers today, Tamara.

Jimmy: Now this kinda work needs long, sensitive fingers. They kinda run in my family. I got two brothers who are concert piano players.
Maxwell: That's interesting. And you became a safe cracker.
Jimmy: Yeah. Somebody had to support them.

#: [trapped in a flooding phone booth] Max, the water is rising. What are we going to do?
Maxwell: Take big swallows.

Maxwell: Every open and shut case has its loophole.

#: [about to dismantle a bomb hidden in Hymie] Chief, this'll only take two of us, there's no need in risking another life, especially when that life is responsible for the entire Control organization, isn't that right, Max?
Maxwell: It certainly is, 99, but I think I should stay around anyway and help.

Starker: We're not going to kill them?
Siegfried: Mother Nature will do it for us.
Starker: Hm?
Siegfried: We will slip away during the night...
Starker: Und when they wake up tomorrow morning...
Siegfried: They'll be dead.

Naomi: [holding a gun to 99's head] Keep your voice down, honey and don't yell for your husband. You might as well know, we're KAOS.
Emil: You're holding a gun on her and I'm taking pictures of secret documents. Who else would she think we were, Sonny and Cher?

Maxwell: Well, you fell for the old remote control self propelled spinning doorknob trick.

Maxwell: Wait a minute, if you couldn't find Control, how did you know where to find me?
A.J. Pfister: Oh, I telephoned KAOS and they gave me this address.

Maxwell: [impersonating Humphrey Bogart] Look, buster, you know what's gonna happen if Sophia sees me talking to you? He's gonna slap my teeth out, then kick me in the stomach for mumbling. Now get lost.

Maxwell: [Sid has pressed a button making the ceiling net fall down on him and Max] Look Sid, you can go up in my bedroom and sleep in my bed, the sofa's a little tricky.
Sid: The sofa's a little tricky? What's in the bed, quicksand?

The: I feel so safe with you protecting me, Mr. Smart.
Maxwell: Well, I don't like to boast, but of all the hundreds of people that I've guarded, I've only lost three.
[the Contessa opens her make-up compact and is immediately killed by a burst of poison gas]
Maxwell: Would you believe four?

#: You're sure to win the Chief of the year award this time, Chief.

Agent: Max, look at that Modern sculpture. It's made out of a dented hubcap, rusted fender, tin cans, nuts and bolts and a bicycle chain.
Maxwell: Yes, he's given us man's eternal struggle against the universe out of a pile of junk.
Agent: What's it called?
Maxwell: [reading a placard] "A Pile of Junk".

Maxwell: You keep soap in your pocketbock?
Agent: Well, it looks like soap and it feels like soap but actually it's a camouflage for a secret carrying case.
Maxwell: Well what do you keep in the carrying case?
Agent: Soap.

Waiter: Never fear, for Allah is with me.
Maxwell: Well, I wonder if you would ask Allah to bring the drinks over, we'd like to get something going here.

Maxwell: How do you like that, 99? The old tiny tape recorder in the trailer trick.

Maxwell: Now, according to my calculations, the safe should be - right behind that painting.
Simmons: Are you sure?
Maxwell: Here, help me move this safe over, so I can stand on it and get a better look.

Maxwell: Dr. Zharko, KAOS' mad scientist?
Agent: But Chief, that's not possible. He was arrested by the Transylvanian highway patrol over a year ago and executed.
Maxwell: Well that's probably when he decided to experiment with bringing people back to life.
Agent: While he was dead?
Maxwell: Well, he probably had a lot of time on his hands.

Hymie: Nice is nice but enough is enough.

Agent: [Maxwell, posing as 99's butler, places a bowl of soup with a hidden camera in front of Savage] Try the soup, Rex, I think you'll like it.
Savage: What kind is it?
Maxwell: Cream of Technicolor.

KAOS: Our stock is dropping rapidly. It hasn't been this low since the day Hitler died.
Sidney: We must kidnap professor Whitaker and make him divulge the secret rocket formula and sell it on the open market.
KAOS: Otherwise there'll be no Christmas bonus come Mussolini's birthday.

Maxwell: [At the airport, Max and 498 fail to catch Le Moco, having slipped through without being noticed] Le Moco loose in the city and the prince is a sitting duck. Come on, my car's right outside, we'd better get back to headquarters immediately.
Agent: I'll be with you right away, I have to call Tel Aviv.
Maxwell: Tel Aviv? Now?
Agent: I promised my mother I'd call her the minute I arrived. She worries.

Hymie: I'm plus and your minus, so what? As long as we have each other.
Octavia: Can't you see? People would point at us and say: disgusting. He's positive and she's negative.

Chief: My niece in love with a robot?
Maxwell: Well, it's not so bad, Chief. It could've been a washing machine.

Maxwell: So that's how Octovia does it. Why, she's been right under our noses all the time, Chief, disguised as a cleaning woman.
Chief: This is terrible!
Maxwell: I know, good cleaning women are hard to get.

Narrator: Once more Maxwell Smart is on the run. When will it end? When will he find peace? Who knows, who can tell? Another journey, another place. Beware the eyes of strangers, or even of friends, for they may turn against you. Keep moving...

Maxwell: [under the influence of truth serum] Two times one is two. Two times two is four. Two times three is six. Two times four is eight. Two times five is ten. Two times six is twelve. Two times seven is... Two times seven is...
Luden: Fourteen, stupid!
Maxwell: Two times seven is fourteen, stupid.

Maxwell: You're not angry, are you Chief?
Chief: How would you feel if some simpleton used a class A security procedure merely in order too borrow twenty dollars. I don't believe it!
Maxwell: Would you believe thirty dollars?

#: Haven't we met before, in Hawaii?
Harry: Do you like ice cream?
#: No.
Harry: Then I don't think we've met.

Maxwell: You mean to tell me that all those names you've been giving me for the last hour are names of babies?
Agent: But of course.
Maxwell: But I thought they were names of streets, I made a map out of them.
Agent: [laughs] How silly.
Maxwell: Well it may be silly, but it works. According to this map, I can get you to the hospital in less than ten minutes flat!

Jimmy: [referring to Max] If all safe-crackers were like him, banks could keep their money in cardboard boxes.

Maxwell: Wait a minute, Chief. If my face is so well known, supposing I had it changed?
Chief: Max, the recital is tomorrow night. You know how long plastic surgery takes.
Maxwell: Not if I go to Proctor.
Chief: Who's Proctor?
Maxwell: Hector Proctor.
Chief: Who's Hector Proctor?
Maxwell: A Doctor. Doctor Hector Proctor.

Chief: We're all familiar with the shock wave of a sonic boom, which occurs when an aircraft breaks the sound barrier. Now if you take that energy and amplify it ten thousand times, and confine it in a small area, can you imagine the results you'd get?
Maxwell: A rock & roll festival?
Chief: It's not quite that bad, Max.

Chief: The guests are starting to ask questions.
99: Have they all arrived?
99's: Everyone except the bum.
99: Well Chief, I guess you'd better go downstairs and tell them that the wedding is off.
Chief: Let's give the bum another few minutes... I mean Max.

#: Max, this hotel gives me the creeps. Exploding birthday cakes, volcanoes. Why would anybody wanna come here?
Maxwell: Well for one thing 99, you can't beat the rates.

Maxwell: Chief, when was the last time I beat you at chess?
Chief: You've never beaten me at chess, Max.
Maxwell: That long ago, eh?

Chief: [the Chief has assigned Max's number to another agent in his absence] I'm sorry Max.
Maxwell: It's ok, Chief. I'm expendable.
Chief: I'll make it up to you Max.
Maxwell: A raise?
Chief: No, we're over budget.
Maxwell: A vacation?
Chief: I can't spare you right now.
Maxwell: How about another suicide mission?

Dutchman: You are a cool one, Herr Scar.

Maxwell: Half brothers are always called Basil.

99: Max, it's Mr. Smith...
Maxwell: It's the Red Baron.
Maxwell: [the man in question takes off his flying goggles] It's Siegfried!
Siegfried: You bet your sweet shoephone it's Siegfried. We meet again...

Victor: [trying to get away from Max] Well, if you'll all excuse me, I think I'll go in the kitchen, get a glass of water.
Maxwell: [keeping Victor covered with a gun in his pocket] I think I'll go with you, I'm a little thirsty myself.
Victor: Eh, no, no, you stay here and chat with your uncle, I'll bring you a glass of water.
Maxwell: No, you don't know what kind of water I like. Eh, I mean you don't know where the faucet it.
Uncle: In most apartments it's over the sink. Round here I wouldn't bet on it.

Maxwell: Missed me by that much... twice!

Chief: Larrabee, has that sample come back from the Control lab yet?
Larabee: It's on my desk, Chief.
Chief: Bring it in.
Larabee: I'll need somebody to help me, that desk is pretty heavy.
Maxwell: I'll help ya, Larrabee.

Chief: Parker has come up with a new listening device that's even cleverer than the fly. Are you ready, Parker?
Parker: Yes, Chief. See if you can pick this one out, Smart. And please be a little more careful this time.
Maxwell: Right, professor.
Parker: It's among these objects on the desk.
Maxwell: Well, let's see. It's not the cigarette lighter, right?
Parker: Right.
Maxwell: And, uh... it's not the magazine, right?
Parker: Correct.
Maxwell: A fly. You've built another fly.
Parker: No, Smart, that's a real fly.
[Max brushes at the fly and it buzzes away]
Maxwell: Oh. Are you sure it's a fly?
Parker: Absolutely.
Maxwell: Well, then I can kill it.
[Max swats at the fly and hits a lamp on the desk; sparks fly out, and Parker covers his head in frustration]
Maxwell: I have a strange feeling it's the light bulb.

Maxwell: W Street, corner of 34.
Agent: [moonlighting as a cabdriver] Oh, you want Control secret headquarters.

Siegfried: Tell me doctor, why were you giving all your miraculous inventions to Professor Longnecker?
Dr. Tattledove: 'Cause he needed ideas for the comic strips he was drawing. It was the least I could do, considering he always bought my newspaper.

Maxwell: [indicating a large trunk] Wardrobe trunk door.
Mr. Fitzmaurice: Oh, naturally. Eh, do you have such a thing as a door-door in this organization?
Maxwell: Yes, but it's a window.

Chief: Where's Max?
Larabee: He's trying to get into the house through the back way.
Chief: That's very heroic of him.
Larabee: Not really, Chief, he had to go to the bathroom.

Maxwell: The old finger in the gun trick. That's the second time I've used it this month.

Chief: KAOS has destroyed almost 90% of America's potato crop.
Maxwell: Oh, I didn't know that, Chief.
Chief: It's been our government most closely guarded secret.
99: Well I can see why, Americans love potatoes.
Maxwell: That's right, Chief. Potatoes are as American as pizzas or tacos.

Maxwell: Where are we, Max?
99: In a dark room.
Maxwell: But where?
99: Obviously in a dark building.
Maxwell: I hear water, Max!
99: Make that a wet dark building.

Maxwell: The Cone of Silence was invented by a professor Cohn?
Chief: That's right.
Maxwell: [looks up at the CoS] That's funny, doesn't look it.

Chief: Just don't get caught. Capture would mean certain death.
Maxwell: Suicide mission, huh chief? Well, you've picked the right man.
Chief: I hope so.
Maxwell: You hope what, that you picked the right man or that it's a suicide mission?

Chief: Max, we've learned that one of the prince's wives is a KAOS agent.
Maxwell: Which one is it?
Chief: Well, we don't know, it could be the tall, exotic one, it could be the short, voluptuous one, it could be...
Maxwell: I'll check them all out immediately, Chief.
Chief: Max, he has 33 wives.
Maxwell: So, it'll take a little time.

Maxwell: You know, 99? If we could get out of this trap I'd marry you.
#: [cheering up] You would?
Maxwell: Of course I would.
#: Now that you mention it, Max, there is a way out.
Maxwell: [suddenly skeptical] There is?
#: What about the old double door deception trick? It just might work.
Maxwell: Of course. The old double door deception trick, it just might work!

Agent: What are our instructions?
Agent: [stationed inside a burning stove] You're to go to the bar, and order a beer. Then bring it back here, and I'll give you further instructions.

Maxwell: Of course, the Professor Peter Peckinpah all purpose anti-personnel Peckinpah pocket pistol under the toupee trick.

Chief: Max, let me give you a quick briefing. First of all, do you know what this is?
[hands over a picture of Dante's Inthermo ray]
Maxwell: I believe it's a photograph.

Maxwell: [on phone] Well, look for me in the third act. That's where I do my big scene. I get killed.
Chief: I'll be looking forward to it.

Maxwell: Well, I guess Jarvis Pym will get his fifty million dollars.
Chief: But that's blackmail, Max, you know what happens when you pay off a blackmailer?
Maxwell: He gives you a receipt?
Chief: No, he comes back the next day and asks for more money. Besides, we have no guarantee that if we pay the fifty million, Pym will destroy the drug.
Maxwell: Yes we do, if he gives us a receipt.

Maxwell: Wrong pill. I think I've just poisoned the room.

The: You make a mistake, Mr. Smart. You bring the wrong cassette.
Maxwell: [takes out another cassette] Eh, would you like to try Glen Campbell?

Wanda: [sign] The Grateful Dead are alive and living in Beverly Hills.
Maxwell: [countersign] Simon and Garfunkel fell off the Tallahatchie Bridge. Agent 86.
Wanda: I'm hip. Courier 12.
Maxwell: Did you get the information on the Groovy Guru?
Wanda: Enough here for the fuzz to peel and freeze.
Maxwell: Huh?
Wanda: Square city. You know, enough to put him away for life.

Chief: The cabin is completely surrounded. Come out with your hands up!
One: Come and get us you dirty lousy rat fink coppers!
Chief: Hey, watch your language!

Maxwell: Of couse. Where else would they hide a painting except behind a wall safe?

Maxwell: You can't destroy Hymie, Hymie's my friend.
Chief: Max, this friend just broke through my office door, smashed my desk to pieces, and almost strangled me with his bare hands, how do you explain that?
Maxwell: I said he was my friend, not yours.

Maxwell: [acting as temporary Chief of Control] Hodgkins, I want the officer responsible for internal security in here on the double.
Hodgkins: You're the internal security officer.
Maxwell: Fast work, Hodgkins.

Hester: Who was it, Hogarth?
Hogarth: Two lost and weary travelers, whose car broke down in the storm.
Hester: What did they want?
Hogarth: Food and shelter. I turned them away.
Hester: Well done, Hogarth.
Hogarth: Thank you, Ma'am
Hester: And Hogarth?
Hogarth: Yes, Ma'am?
Hester: First thing in the morning, let's get rid of that welcome mat out front.

Maxwell: You know Chief, I'll never forget the sound that killer made when he walked away. I'll recognize it immediately the next time I hear it.
Chief: What was it like, Max?
Maxwell: Well it was a kind of a clip-clop clip-clop.
Chief: Like a man with a special shoe?
Parker: Or a man walking with a cane?
Maxwell: Or a man with very loose dentures.

Chief: That is the most ridiculous thing I've ever heard.
Maxwell: It is?
Chief: Yes.
Maxwell: Then don't do it.

Page: Attention: Mister Buck Henry please claim your poodle at baggage counter. Mister Buck Henry your poodle is waiting.

#: Now listen carefully. We've got to keep you out of sight for two weeks until after the Tudbury trial. Now we'll pretend to keep you here in Control headquarters. Actually we'll take you on a helicopter to hideout B, which is the penthouse suite in the Warfield hotel. Then we'll take you down an express elevator to hideout C which is the basement suite in the Warfield hotel. Then we'll take you out the back way up the fire escape to hideout D which is a shack on top of the Warfield hotel. Have you got that?
Maxwell: Not all of it, 99.
#: What part didn't you get?
Maxwell: The part after 'listen carefully'.
#: Don't worry, Max, I'll take you there myself. Believe me, KAOS will never, never know where you are.
Maxwell: I wouldn't be too sure of that, 99.
#: Well how could they possibly know?
Maxwell: I forgot to hang up the telephone. They're still on the other end.

Maxwell: Just a minute, not so fast. This may be the old bomb in the bonbon box trick.

Ozark: [Max bursts in to rescue Annie] Puddin' you're as welcome as a new rooster in a henhouse.
Siegfried: What kind of nonsense is this? There are four of us and only one of him. Put down your hands, pull out your guns. He can only shoot one of us!
Maxwell: You're the one.
Siegfried: Please everybody, hands up!

99: [Max has booked a trip to the Caribbean on a banana boat] A banana boat, is that safe?
Maxwell: Well, this boat has an excellent safety record, 99. In 40 years it's only had one mishap. That's when it collided with a freighter carrying cornflakes.
99: But that's terrible!
Maxwell: Not really, fortunately a sugar boat came along.

Insurance: [at the door of Max's apartment] How do you do? I'm your mutual insurance agent?
Maxwell: Oh. Come right in.
[the man does so, only to be karate-chopped in the neck by Max. The insurance man falls to the floor]
Tanya: Who is he?
Maxwell: Well, I'm not quite sure yet.
[He takes the man's wallet out of his pocket and opens it]
Maxwell: Aha, just as I thought. He's my mutual insurance agent.
[the man starts coming around. Max helps him to his feet]
Maxwell: All right, fella, come on, let's go. You've probably got a lot of calls to make. I'm sorry about that.
Insurance: That's okay. A lot of people feel that way about insurance.

Siegfried: The minute I go away everything goes kaplot!
Shtarker: But you were here all the time.
Siegfried: You're not making it any easier on yourself, Shtarker.

Maxwell: [hiding in a hamper, trying to alert Larabee by phone] Chief, he hung up on me.
Chief: Max, now we've got to get out of here alive, if it's only to kill Larabee.

Dr. Madre: I've been working on an experiment, alone, isolated, for I don't know how long, I've lost track of time. Three, might even be four years.
[suddenly whispering]
Dr. Madre: I think that man at the bar is after me.
Maxwell: [Max looks over] That's a woman!
Dr. Madre: Then it's been four years.

Maxwell: Simon the likeable. Who's he?
Chief: He's KAOS' most irresistible agent. A man so unassuming, so modest, so sweet and warm that you take one look at him, and you like him.

Gino: I tell you what I'm gonna do. If you let me go, I'm gonna give you a nice present. I give you Pittsburgh.
Victor: We don't want Pittsburgh.
Maxwell: That's funny. Neither does Pennsylvania.

#: [99 is crying at Maxwell Smart's funeral] Poor Max... he was so young.
Chief: Yes, he was young.
#: And vital...
Chief: He was vital.
#: And intelligent...
[the Chief does not reply]
#: Loyal?
Chief: Yes, he was loyal.

Maxwell: I like that plan, Chief. It's inventive, imaginative and brilliantly thought out.
#: Max, it sounds like a suicide mission to me.
Maxwell: Well of course it's a suicide mission, 99, so what? Our next mission will be easier.

99: [stuck in synthetic sand] Oh, we're never gonna get out of here alive, Max.
Maxwell: I know it, 99, I just wish Bannister were here.
99: Who's Bannister?
Chief: Control's top agent.
99: Why do you wish he were was here, Max?
Maxwell: I don't like him.

Chief: [Max and the Chief show each other their special agent badges] Who wrote Little Women?
Maxwell: Lonely little men. Who do you love?
Chief: I wanna to be loved by you, just you and nobody else but you.
Maxwell: I wanna be loved by you, you-ooh-ooh.
Chief,101586: Boop-boop-bee-doo.
Maxwell: Good morning, Chief.
[sits down on desk]
Chief: [sitting down in chair] Morning, Max. I'll certainly be glad when the security alert is over. I spend half my time learning new passwords and countersigns.

Leadside: [Norman has just fallen out the window] Norman! My mother gave me Norman.

Maxwell: Hymie, where is my cigarette?
Hymie: I put it in my pocket.
Maxwell: You put it in your pocket. May I ask why you put it in your pocket?
Hymie: It was getting the ashtray dirty again.

Sonja: Well, I see you last worked as an airline stewardess.
99: That's right.
Sonja: Oh, what was your reason for leaving?
99: I got married.
Sonja: Oh. Oh, and the airlines wouldn't let you fly any more?
99: No, my husband wouldn't. He's an airplane mechanic.

Maxwell: Gentlemen, this fight will have to be short. I have less than 10 minutes. And I have nothing to lose.

Maxwell: Your honor, ladies and gentlemen of the jury. For the past twenty minutes I have sat idly by while my worthy opponent, the prosecuting attorney has stood up here and made a complete jackass out of himself. Now it's my turn.

Maxwell: [the Chief is disguised as a circus clown] Chief! So this is what you do at night!

Lin: Holy kumquat!

Maxwell: That's the second biggest arrow I've ever seen.

Maxwell: Ok Chief, you can count on me. I'll be up first thing in the morning and I'll check out every topless restaurant in town.
Chief: Max, KAOS wouldn't hide guns in a topless restaurant.
Maxwell: They wouldn't?
Chief: No.
Maxwell: Well where would they store them?
Chief: I don't know.
Maxwell: Oh, well in that case, I'll check the topless restaurants.

Maxwell: Well, Chief, everything went off perfectly without a hitch. We left Control, got into the armoured truck, went through a carwash three times, in case anyone was following us.
Larabee: The truck was dirty anyway, Chief.
Maxwell: And here we are.
Larabee: With a clean truck!
Chief: Ok, ok, let me see it.
Larabee: It's parked out in front.

Chief: First Jack the Ripper who terrorized London at the turn of the century and now the Werewolf. Who'll be next to drive the women of England wild?
Maxwell: Engelbert Humperdinck?

Dr. Yes: You told me they were eliminated. Do you realize I could have you killed for failing to dispose of them?
Himmel: Jawohl.
Toulouse: Oui.
Natasha: Da.
Lopez: Si.
Dr. Yes: Words of agreement have sufficiently soothed me.

Agent: [as they meet an overweight psychic] Mrs. Ferris said she's a medium.
Maxwell: Looks more like a large to me.

Siegfried: Look Smart, if you had to pick a disguise, why did you have to pick such a dopey looking one?
Agent: I'm not Smart from Control.
Siegfried: Then who are you?
Agent: I'm Dopey fr- I'm Quigley from Intelligence.

Maxwell: Wait a minute, 99, atrocities, cruelties and brutalities. the thing that we feared for so long has finally come to pass.
Chief: What's that, Max?
Maxwell: ACB, the third spy network.

Maxwell: Chief, KAOS has just struck and struck hard. They've dried up Florida's two largest bodies of water: Lake Okeechobee and the swimming pool at the Fountain Blue hotel.

Algernon: [aiming a gun at Max & 99] That's a very interesting picture of you in the Control file, Mr. Smart.
Maxwell: Thank you.
Algernon: But why were you sitting on a pony?
Agent: It was taken on his birthday.

The: [Max's shoe phone starts ringing in the bar] Pardon me. I know this is going to sound silly, but is it possible that your shoe is ringing?
Maxwell: Shoe? You've been drinking too much of this cheap booze, soldier.

Maxwell: [referring to the Electro-Retrogressor Gun] Amazing!
Professor: Yes... I am.

Chief: Larabee, you're to go Melnick's furniture warehouse...
Larabee: Now?
Chief: Of course now.
Larabee: But the sale doesn't start until tomorrow morning.
Chief: Larrabee, I don't have time to argue, just go to the warehouse and arrest Melnick Archer.
Larabee: Right, Chief.
Chief: You're also to arrest a man named Marcus.
Larabee: Marcus? How will I know him?
Chief: You'll know him, he'll be the man who'll start shooting at you when you arrest Melnick Archer.
Larabee: Oh. Is he a good shot?
Chief: I hope so.

Maxwell: Well, there you have it, gentlemen, another wonderful theory down the drain.

Chief: Miss USA, it's obvious you're in great danger. I must recommend that you withdraw from the contest.
Miss U.S.A.: Withdraw from the contest? Well I can't I simply can't!
Chief: But your life may be at stake.
Miss U.S.A.: It doesn't matter. I love this contest and all that it stands for: beauty, cooperation, friendliness and ten thousand dollars in prize money.

Maxwell: I'll catch the thief who stole those paintings, or die in the attempt.
Van: Can you do... both?

Chief: [about the Cone of Silence] You know this thing doesn't work, why do you always insist on using it?
Maxwell: Well, for one thing, it's 20 degrees cooler inside.

Maxwell: [Repeated line] Missed it by THAT much.

#: [86 and 99 spot a third person making the same suspicious noise] He makes that clip-clop noise too.
Maxwell: Yes. If this keeps up, that clip-clop noise is gonna to make the top of the charts.

Chief: Now this briefcase must be gotten to B12 somewhere in the Balkans.
Maxwell: Why it's beautiful, Chief, and it's real leather too. Do you think he'll like it.
99: Max, it contains a half million dollars.
Maxwell: He'll love it.

Hymie: I'm just fine.
Maxwell: You're not fine, you're sluggish. You're run down and out of tune. You go round all the time half charged. If you're not careful, terrible things could happen.
Hymie: Like what?
Maxwell: Well, you could end up as a cab in South America.

Agent: It looks like he died of fright.
Maxwell: Either that or some other natural cause.
Jason: Sebastian...
Hester: Don't tell me he's loose.
Jason: [checks Sebastian's attic door, which has a hole in it] He's loose.
Hester: I asked you not to tell me that!

The: See, like I told you. Gun is like wife's brother: do not work.

Maxwell: When the moon is full, the tide is high.
Mrs. Green: You must want the spy school. That's next door.

Maxwell: [86 and 99 are following a trail of footsteps that end in a pair of shoes] Look 99, he had another pair of shoes waiting.
#: The old shoe switch.
Maxwell: Yes. That's the second time I've fallen for it this month.

Colonel: If it's a trap, and they cut of your escape find your way to Basil's chambers. Behind the fireplace is a passageway that leads right to the forest.
Maxwell: Eh, how does it open?
Colonel: Well, there's a panel 'neath the mantle with a candle for the handle. But before you light the candle push the panel with your hand. Than the mantle will push out and the panel will push in.
Colonel: [Max starts to leave] But... if you light the candle after you push the panel than the mantle will push in and the panel will push out.

Drunk: [to Max] Pardon me sir, your vest button is flashing.

Chief: [having been handed a picture] Why for crying out loud, this is the baseball team I coached when I was an instructor at the Control training school.
Maxwell: Well for heaven's sake. Which one is you, Chief?
Chief: [points] Right there.
Maxwell: Oh, the one with the black baseball cap on.
Chief: That's not a black baseball cap, that's my hair.
Maxwell: Oh really? How come it's got an initial on it?

Maxwell: 99, I'm positive that this is the section of the rail that gave way.
Agent: I'm sure you're right, Max but look, there's not a sign of any damage.
Maxwell: Yes, well just put two and two together and that means?
Agent: That someone fixed it quietly during the night.
Maxwell: Or else the entire ship has been replaced.

Maxwell: I'm getting complaints from the landlord about the gun battles in the hall, and the bombs in the lobby, and the knife fights in the elevator.
Chief: Well, when you rent an apartment to a secret agent, you've got to expect those things.
Maxwell: But Chief, he doesn't know I'm a secret agent.
Chief: Well, how then do you explain people attacking you and shooting at you?
Maxwell: Well, I told him I work for the Bureau of Internal Revenue.

Tracy: Why don't you come to my party tonight?
Maxwell: Oh, well, that's very nice of you. I'd like to. What time?
Tracy: Any time. It's been going on for two months.

Maxwell: That's fantastic Hymie! You should get a medal for this. You knock me out.
[Hymie punches Max and knocks him out]

Chief: Max, you realize that you'll be facing every kind of danger imaginable.
Maxwell: And... loving it.

Agent: Oh, Max, how terrible.
Maxwell: He deserved it, 99. He was a KAOS killer.
Agent: Sometimes I wonder if we're any better, Max.
Maxwell: What are you talking about, 99? We have to shoot and kill and destroy. We represent everything that's wholesome and good in the world.

Maxwell: Chief, what happened? Did I die?

Siegfried: [addressing captive Control agents] Prisoners of Camp Gitchee Goommee Noonee Wa-Wa, you have been beaten, tortured, starved, maimed, und whipped. Und now... ze picnic is OVER!

Maxwell: Columbus, I'm Smart.
Gino: Ok, how much is-a two and two?
Maxwell: [thinks for a moment] Four.
Gino: [chuckles] He's smart all right!

Ambassador: Maxwell, in Bulmania we measure the worth of a man by how well he holds his wine.
[passes out]

Dobring: If you are the real Ballantine, then perhaps you could answer a few simple questions.
Maxwell: Shoot.
[turns to Rex who is pointing a gun at him]
Maxwell: That's only a figure of speech.
Dobring: What was the date of the Brink's robbery?
Maxwell: January 17, 1950. The take was 2,345,000 dollars.
Dobring: Who was the last man elected to the Underworld Hall of Fame?
Maxwell: Willy Sutton. He was named on 91 per cent of the ballots.
Dobring: What was the nickname of the man who drove the getaway car in the Van Allen Heist?
Maxwell: Can I ask you a question?
Dobring: Go ahead.
Maxwell: Is two out of three passing?
Dobring: In this case yes, there was no Van Allen heist. Welcome to KAOS, Ballantine

Maxwell: The old Wilbur in the drape trick.
Wilbur: Get 'em up!
[Max and Trinka raise their arms]
Wilbur: [wearing extremely thick glasses] Are they up?

Chief: [to 86] I want you to use your watch-phone tonight. I don't want you taking off your shoe at the party.

Maxwell: [looking in the mirror] Alright, handsome, who wrote Little Women?

Maxwell: Well, if I don't make it, 99, I want you to do something for me.
Agent: What is it, Max?
Maxwell: The Chief owes me a nickel. I'd like you to have it.

Chief: [dismayed at the lack of progress in the tunnel] You and Kendall have been down here since six o' clock this morning.
Maxwell: Yes, Chief, but we didn't start digging until eight.
Chief: Why not?
Maxwell: Well, you see, for the first two hours we couldn't decide who should dig and who should fill the bags with dirt. So we tossed a coin.
Chief: Max, it doesn't take two hours to toss a coin.
Maxwell: No, but it took two hours to find it.

Agent: We hate to tell you this, Chief, but we've been tailing you for the last week.
Chief: Why?
Maxwell: Well, Chief, we didn't wanna do it, but that's the assignment they gave us.
Chief: Who gave you that assignment?
Maxwell: The guy who's over you.
[pointing downwards]
Chief: Well if he's over me, why are you pointing down?
Maxwell: Because his office is downstairs.

Sid: It's ok, Max, the cops are here.
Maxwell: You got a lot to learn about the secret agent business, Sid. Thats the oldest trick in the world.
Sid: Oh, the old KAOS killers dressed up like cops in order to fool Control agents and old army buddy trick.
Maxwell: Yeah, yeah, something like that.

Maxwell: You don't suppose for one single moment that I'd allow these precious hands...
Maxwell: [kisses 99's hand] ... to wash dishes?

Chief: This is the break we've been waiting for. The men we're looking for are the Purple Knights.
Maxwell: Of course, The Purple Knights! The Purple Knights, it's got to be The Purple Knights. It's so clear now. Who else could it be but the Purple Knights? Eh, one question, Chief...
Chief,101586: Who are The Purple Knights?

Maxwell: I don't think we should talk right here in the open, Chief, I think we should use the cone of silence.
Chief: Oh Max, every time we use the cone of silence something terrible happens. Can't you just write it to me on a piece of paper?
Maxwell: People can read a piece of paper, Chief.
Chief: I'll burn it afterwards.
Maxwell: Ashes can be reassembled.
Chief: I'll eat the note!
Maxwell: They could operate on you and get it back.
Chief: All right, Max. The Cone of Silence.

Dr. Ratton: [about Hymie] There's only one thing he isn't able to do.
Mr. Natz: What's that?
Dr. Ratton: Set up a lawn chair.

Maxwell: Just as I thought: electric grass.

Maxwell: What do you suppose KAOS was after, Chief?
Chief: I know perfectly well what they were after, what they've been after for several months now: the plans for the A.A.A.M.M.
Maxwell: You're stammering, Chief.
Chief: I don't stammer!
Maxwell: You always stammer when you get upset.
Chief: I'm not upset, when I said A.A.A.M.M., I meant the Anti-Anti-Anti-Missile Missile.
Maxwell: See what I mean?

Mr. Hercules: What'll it be? Carrot juice, onion juice or farkelberry juice?
Maxwell: Farkelberry juice?
Mr. Hercules: From the bark of the farkelberry tree.

Dr. Drago: And now Mr. Smart, it is your turn to hear my sonata of death. But before I begin, do you have any last request?
Maxwell: Do you know any showtunes?

Maxwell: I don't understand how this airline can stay in business when they only carry one passenger.
Stewardess: We don't show movies.

KAOS: Where did you shoot me?
Maxwell: Left chest.
KAOS: Ah! Good!
Maxwell: Good?
KAOS: As a KAOS agent, I get double indemnity for getting shot above the waist.
Maxwell: Double indemnity for being shot only once?
KAOS: Not only that, if I'm shot and I don't die instantly my family gets an additional 25 per cent for suffering...
Maxwell: Unbelievable.
KAOS: And if I survive my wounds, I get a guaranteed six weeks convalescence leave with pay.
Maxwell: With pay? You gotta be putting me on.
KAOS: Not only that, we get to stay free in any resort on our KAOS credit card, American plan. Three superb meals a day. Tennis, golf, bingo parties, dance lessons and... free... funerals.
[finally succumbs to his wounds]
Maxwell: Lucky devil. Bingo parties? I didn't know KAOS was religious?

Maxwell: The old bulletproof cummerbund in the tuxedo trick.

Pilot: Chief, we're at 30,000 feet, again.

Maxwell: So, Siegfried, you're the one that's responsible for trying to destroy the potato crop.
Siegfried: Exactly, but that knowledge will do you no good. You see, I'm going to shoot you both, push you in front of the spinning propellers und drop you from 18.000 feet! This is the last time we meet, Shmart!
Maxwell: You mean you're not coming to the wedding?

Tamara: Tahday is supposed to go to the club Tonight. To defect, or die.
Maxwell: And you want me to help you?
Tamara: Yes, you must come to the club Tonight and save Tahday.
Maxwell: Alright, I'll come to the club tonight. What time tonight?
Tamara: Not tonight, today! The name of the club is the club Tonight.

Duval: When will I learn never to pick up a strange table cloth?

Maxwell: Listen, 99. In case I don't get out of this alive and you do...
#: [upset] Max, you will get out of this alive!
Maxwell: Well just in case I don't, 99, I'd like you to do me a favor. I don't want a big funeral. I... I'd just like a few of my close friends to get together and... try to bring me back to life.

Chief: [Max has disarmed a bomb by getting his tie stuck in the mechanism] I don't know how you did it, Max, but you just saved the East Coast, maybe the whole world. That was a close one.
Maxwell: You don't know how close it was, Chief. I was thinking of wearing my bow tie today.

Army: I can't believe any little Indian band is going to defeat the United States Army.
Admiral: [slaps him on the back] I agree with you, General Custer.

Savage: [addressing #99] Good evening. I'd be honored to offer my assistance to someone so attractive.
Maxwell: Why thank you, but it's the lady who's interested in buying a painting.

Aunt: [concerned about Max' strange behavior] Something terrible is happening.
Uncle: I know, he must be mixed up in something bad. He's either a bookmaker or a gambler.
Aunt: Or a musician!

Maxwell: This place is swarming with KAOS agents.
Maxwell: I know that, that's why we can't stand out here. We gotta find a place to hide.
Agent: Well, what about in there?
[pointing at an attraction with a giant octopus]
Maxwell: Are you kidding? There are gollywoggles in there!

Chief: [on phone] Max, where in the world are you?
Maxwell: [on payphone] Well Chief, I thought I needed a little vacation so I came to St. Germain island.
Chief: St Germain Island? Max, I need you!
Maxwell: Big assignment, eh?
Chief: No, you left with my car keys.

Chief: [Wanting Max to check for possible poison in the Prince's food] Taste the coffee.
Maxwell: No thanks, Chief, I don't drink coffee, it keeps me awake.
Chief: Taste it Max, that's an order!
Maxwell: [Takes the cup and saucer] Wait a minute, Chief, what if this coffee is poisoned?
Chief: Then it won't keep you awake.

Siegfried: You look more like Schmart then Schmart does und your voice is his echo. Tell me, how long did it take you to learn that voice so perfectly?
Johan: Just a few months, Siegfried.
Siegfried: Oh, such a genius. It took me almost ten years to speak English so good like I do.

Maxwell: [a drunken sailor sits down opposite Max and starts slobbering from his glass] Careful. Some of it's getting in your mouth.

Chief: This false neck is an ingenious device, Max. Who made it for you?
Maxwell: The ingenious device department, Chief.

Maxwell: [nothing seems to stop Groppo] Got any other ideas, Harris?
Dr. Harris: [walks over to Max to hand him a weapon] Here, try this.
Maxwell: A slingshot?
Dr. Harris: It worked once for David.
Maxwell: I hope Groppo remembers the story.

Agent: Oh Max, you're so brave. You're going to get a medal for this.
Maxwell: There's something more important than medals, 99.
Agent: What?
Maxwell: It's after six. I get overtime.

Maxwell: What are you so grouchy about today?
Agent: [hiding in a trash can] Because I didn't sleep a wink last night, that's why. Every time I dozed off somebody dropped garbage on me.

Maxwell: I don't understand you Sid, I'm a secret agent. I have to go. But what's your angle?
Sid: What do you mean what's my angle? I wanna defend my country too. And you happen to be my buddy. And besides, I happen to know that every secret agent gets all the broads.

Chief: This may be the break we've been waiting for. I asked the CIA and FBI if they'd share some of their federal funds with us.
[reads note]
Maxwell: It's a waste of time, Chief, you know what they'll tell you to do.
Chief: I have to go to the city morgue right away.
Maxwell: See?

Chief: I can't believe that you would summon the chiefs of staff on this awful hour simply because three Indians attacked a bus.
Maxwell: Four, Chief.
Chief: Max, do you realize what time it is? It's three in the morning!
Maxwell: [looks at his watch] Four, Chief.

Chief: Who is the one person who could penetrate KAOS headquarters, get the Ginsburg papers and slip out without being noticed?
Maxwell: [slams his hand with gum stuck to it on the Chief's desk] The vice-president!

A.J. Pfister: Won't you please sign my petition?
Maxwell: I'm sorry, Mr. Pfister, but I can't sign that petition. Quiet is un-American.

Gronski: We'll stakeout the hotel.
Desk: Stakeout? That's the third time this week. Nobody believes I run a respectable joint. Eh house. Hotel.

Algernon: What part of Japan are you from?
Maxwell: Eh... the Orient.

Captain: [Max is surprised to find out the Captain has a wooden leg] What's the matter sir, what are you staring at? Is it my leg?
Maxwell: No, I've seen legs before. It's that wooden job I'm looking at.
Captain: Ah yes, a souvenir of my younger years when I was still a lad.
Captain: [picks up a harpoon] You've heard of the great white whale?
Maxwell: That was done by the great white whale?
Captain: No, that was done by a small blue convertible.

W.C. Fields: I don't know of you're aware, my boy, but you're being pursued. The entrepreneur of this establishment, a French fried potato enthusiast desires your immediate demise.
Maxwell: Huh?

Carlson: Here something you could eat in case of an emergency.
Maxwell: Our uniforms?
Carlson: No, the buttons.
#: [tasting a bit of button] Hmm! Salted. Good!
Carlson: Yes, well, in extreme heat salt is essential to the diet. But be sure you don't eat the top button of the uniform, 86.
Maxwell: Why?
Carlson: It's a geiger-counter. When you come close to where the missiles are buried it will start beeping.
Maxwell: Oh, the old beeping button trick.

Maxwell: Dietrich, will you get that shaving cream off your face?
Dietrich: Well why?
Maxwell: Why? Because if KAOS happens to be looking through that window, and they see that shaving cream all over your face, they're gonna know you're not Mrs. Feldman.
Dietrich: You're right.
[starts wiping off the shaving cream with towel]
Maxwell: Besides, Mrs. Feldman uses an electric razor.

Siegfried: An ingenious device, Shmart. What is it?
Maxwell: The old long-playing, high frequency, ultrasonic, stereophonic, strike the match against the sounding board trick. Works every time, Siegfried.

Chief: [after the Chief receives a call from YENTA, he sits down looking worried]
Maxwell: What's the matter, Chief, bad news?
Chief: Le Moco.
Maxwell: Le Moco?
Chief: He's KAOS's top assassin. He's just been given the assignment of killing the prince.
Maxwell: I'll be ready for him, Chief.
Chief: Max, Le Moco is no ordinary assassin, he's fiendishly unpredictable, and a master of disguise and voice impersonation. In 27 assignments he has never failed yet.
Maxwell: That's quite a record. His parents must be very proud of him.
Chief: He doesn't have any parents, Max. They were his first assignment.

Maxwell: [Repeted line] Would you believe...

Hymie: [Hymie is on the ground being kicked by Groppo] Perhaps we have some mutual friends?
Hymie: [Groppo kicks him again] Ethel the PBX-board?
Hymie: [receives another kick to the chest] Francis the coffee machine?
Hymie: [another kick] Bruce the elevator?

Maxwell: [Max and 99 are almost hit by an arrow in the Tunnel of Love] Hm, I wonder what Dr. Spock would have to say about this kind of love?

Chief: Leadside is the most diabolically clever criminal we've ever run across. He's never yet made a threat that he hasn't carried out.
Maxwell: That's right, Chief. Like the time he stole the Star of India.
Agent: He stole the Star of India?
Maxwell: Well, he kidnapped Sabu.

#: [Tamara has been shot] Is she?
Maxwell: Yes 99, there's no Tamara.

#: But Max, all the Pussycats look alike in those outfits. How are we gonna know which one is Charlie Watkins?
Maxwell: It's really quite simple 99, all we have to do is look over all the Pussycats and the one with the most voluptuous figure, he's our man.

Maxwell: [looking at a picture of Octavia] Chief, I've never seen anyone like this before. Those evil, penetrating eyes. Cold, ruthless mouth. Deviant chin.
[looks at the next picture]
Maxwell: Strong unyealding body. Chief?
Chief: What?
Maxwell: I think I'm in love.

Agent: [during golf cart chase] Faster, Max, faster!
Maxwell: I can't go any faster, 99, I got it up to 8 miles an hour now!

Maxwell: [talking on his shoephone] Right, Chief. I'll with stick with him. Off and on.
Chief: [in his office, on the other line] Don't you mean over and out?
Maxwell: No, when I sign off, I put my shoe on.

Chief: It might interest you to know that Red Cloud's enormous arrow is now on display in the west wing of the White House.
Maxwell: No kidding, Chief. Where did it land?
Chief: In the west wing of the White House.

Maxwell: [in phone booth] Hello Chief, this is Max. Well, I got Kendall here to the airport without anything going wrong. This is one Control agent that KAOS is not gonna get their hands on. By this time Tomorrow, Kendall will be in London, delivering the top secret defence plans to Nato. What's that? Oh really? Oh, thank you.
[disconnects call]
Maxwell: Hello operator? I just got the wrong number.

Chief: We don't use old song titles as passwords anymore.
Maxwell: You don't? What do you use?
Chief: Lyrics from Beatles tunes.

#: I mean if anything should happen to you I...
Maxwell: Don't worry 99, nothing's going to happen to me.
#: You know what I mean, Max.
Maxwell: Yes I do... Ernestine.
#: That's the first time you've ever called me Ernestine.
Maxwell: I know.
#: I wish it were my name.

Maxwell: The old sleeping-foot-powder in the shoe trick.

Victor: [having dropped M. Montaigne through a trap door] If he had any thoughts of, eh, calling the police, the piranha fish will put an end to them.

Maxwell: You know Sid, in a way it's kind of a shame.
Sid: What are you talking about?
Maxwell: If he had only used his baton for goodness instead of evil.
[Sid rolls his eyes]

Maxwell: Well, let's look on the bright side of things, Chief: it's a good thing that he gave me the list before he disappeared, rather than after he disappeared.
Chief: Just what kind of reasoning is that? How could he possibly have given you the list after his disappearance? He could have only have given it to you before his disappearance.
Maxwell: Oh yeah? How about during his disappearance?

Maxwell: [impersonating Humphrey Bogart] Where is everybody?
Bartender: Banditos came through here an hour ago and took all our women.
Maxwell: Oh, well, why didn't you go after them?
Bartender: Have you ever seen our women?

Maxwell: [talking to the Chief on his plant phone] Hello Chief? Max. Eh, listen chief, you know that dead cowboy I told you about?
Maxwell: [pause] Yeah, well, he's dead again.
Maxwell: [another pause] That's not nice, Chief.

Maxwell: [there's a knock on the door] I'll get it, 99.
Agent: Be sure to get the password, Max.
Maxwell: I will.
[crosses room to get to the door]
Maxwell: Yes?
Chief: [behind door] Knock, knock.
Maxwell: Who's there?
Chief: Me.
Maxwell: Me who?
Chief: Me, the Chief.

Maxwell: [speaking on 99's cologne bottle phone] Good idea, 99. And just so nobody will recognize me, I'll disguise my face.
#: [speaking on her compact phone] But Max, if you disguise your face, how will I recognize you?
Maxwell: [sprays himself in the face with the cologne bottle again in order to reply] Just look for a man who smells like a woman.

Dr. Zharko: So, Mr. Smart, we meet again.
Maxwell: We've never met before.
Dr. Zharko: No? Oh, I thought we had. Must have been your brother.
Maxwell: I don't have a brother.
Dr. Zharko: Would you like me to make you one?

Maxwell: It's Spiegel's jewelry store, right around the corner of Spiegel's drugstore, next to Spiegel's delicatessen, where Spiegel's cleaners used to be.
Agent: And where is that?
Maxwell: Fourth and Spiegel.

Maxwell: [Max opens the Chief's wall safe] What's 13 doing in there?
Agent: The Chief said I've been out on field trips too long. So he gave me this nice, soft office job.
Maxwell: It's awfully small. Tell me, 13, how did you get in there?
Agent: The Chief gave me the combination.

Woman Agent: Tell me, Max, where does your Chief go on wednesday nights?
Maxwell: Well, I'm afraid you'll have to be a little more specific than that, Shirley. What wednesday night?
Woman Agent: How about next Wednesday night?
Maxwell: You're wasting your time. That's classified information.
Woman Agent: Then what are you doing next Wednesday night, Maxie? Maybe we could do it together.
Maxwell: Well, I'm afraid not. You see, I'm guarding the Chief at a concert next Wednesday night.

Siegfried: Starker?
Starker: Ja?
Siegfried: Why did the dogs run away?
Starker: They didn't like the food.
Siegfried: What did you feed them?
Starker: The same thing we feed the prisoners.
Siegfried: [shouting] You fed that to the dogs?
Starker: Ja, why?
Siegfried: You stupid! You could have made them sick!

Maxwell: What are you, some kind of a nut that likes to see people die?
Mr. Hercules: Yes, it's such a marvelous contrast to my own splendid health.

Chief: [to Max] Sorry about that.

Upper: Don't take another step. We are KAOS agents Gemini.
Maxwell: What do you want?
Upper: Information. Tell us what we wanna know, or you die.
Maxwell: You're wasting your time. Besides, do you know who this man is? This is Gino Columbus, the new owner of the United States.
Upper: That's what we wanted to know.

Maxwell: Let's see what Control has given us in their Newlywed kit.
Maxwell: [opens suitcase and takes out each item one at a time] Throwing knife. Knockout drops. Revolver. And brass knuckels. This must be the Commando kit.
Maxwell: [opens another suitcase] Ah, this is the Newlywed kit.
Maxwell: [takes out each item] Toothpaste. Throwing knife. Knockout drops. Revolver. Brass knuckles.

Narrator: Maxwell Smart is now a fugitive. There is no place for him to turn, no refuge, no safe haven. He must find the one handed man to prove his innocence. But always behind him is the specter, Sergeant Gronski, reluctantly pursuing him.

Maxwell: I may never get to play with the Philharmonic, but on the other hand...
Chief: Yes?
Maxwell: Is Leonard Bernstein licensed to kill?

Narrator: Maxwell Smart can now walk instead of run. His days and nights of fear and hiding are behind him. He's a free man.

One: How do you feel, Big?
Big: Just fine, Al, just fine. And that doc... he's ok in my book.
One: What do you want me to do with him?
Big: Kill 'em.
One: What about the nurse?
Big: Al, the nurse happens to be a lady. Kill her first.

Hymie: [sign] The blue sun melts the red snow.
Maxwell: [countersign] And the purple water runs up hill.
Hymie: Agent Smart?
Maxwell: Yes. You must be 91.
Hymie: My name is Hymie.
Maxwell: Hymie?
Hymie: My father's name was Hymie.

Agent: [walking towards door] Who is it?
Maxwell: [off screen, behind door] It's me, honey.
Agent: What's the password?
Maxwell: I lost my wallet.
Agent: That's not the password.
Maxwell: I know, but I had the password written on a piece of paper in my wallet.
Agent: That's Max!
[opens door]

Maxwell: [Max, while crawling on the floor gets knocked down by a sleeping Purple Knight lying on a table] They even sleep mean!

Maxwell: How do you like that? He invented a cuckoo with laryngitis.

Dr. Bascomb: You took a terrible chance going out onto the street. What if you were seen by KAOS agents?
Maxwell: I was, how do you think I got like this? They shot at me twice, tried to stab me and run me over with a vegetable truck.

Colonel: [saying goodbye to Max] Sometimes fate makes the wrong men kings.

Maxwell: ...and don't forget to kill the light.
[Hymie pulls out his gun and shoots the light]

Chief: When KAOS hijacked that money from us yesterday, Max, it put is into deep financial trouble. This is Control's temporary headquarters.
Maxwell: In an elevator?
Chief: It was this or the men's room.

Oleg: Well, tomorrow night at the bachelor party for Smart we want you to blow up all the Control agents.
Hymie: I cannot do that. I am no longer a KAOS robot. I now work for Control.
Stanislaus: What got in to you, robot? When you worked for KAOS you used to kill and hello Dolly!
Oleg: Hello Dolly?
Stanislaus: Oh yeah, got wrong show
[hums a tune]
Stanislaus: Mame! You used to kill and maim.

General: [Max, 99, Isabella and Don Carlos are facing a firing squad] My friends, we've come to the end of the road. It grieves me deeply to have to say goodbye to you. Especially to you, Isabella. We could have been so happy together.
Isabella: You pig! You dog! You rotten filthy swine, you low-life!
Maxwell: Isabella, cool it. You wanna get us in trouble?

Maxwell: [to Hymie] I know that under that metal body of yours, there beats the mechanical heart of a really nice guy.
#: Hymie, you're crying.
Maxwell: Take it easy Hymie. You'll rust your eyeball.

Chief: [watching, as Max flies into combat, against his direct orders] Darned... fool kid!

Maxwell: I don't know what you're selling 99, but I'll take two of each.

Maxwell: Of course. A pinch of casteroid potassium, a deadly poison.
Harry: I do not understand why Von Werner did not notice casteroid potassium in tea?
Maxwell: How could he? It tastes like any one of a thousand other poisons.
Harry: [pause] Amazing...

Maxwell: Alma, you wanna get in that converence room. Give me one good reason why I should let you in.
Alma: Here's one.
[points the Electro-Retrogressor Gun at him]
Maxwell: Wanna try for two out of three?

Maxwell: Wait a minute, Chief. If KAOS goes out of business, what happens to us?
Chief: Well, I guess the Control organization would be out of business too. There would'nt be any need for us.
Maxwell: Well that's okay for you, you're an old man, you can retire on your pension. But what about me, I don't know anything but being a secret agent.

Maxwell: [Max and Sid are both chained to a wall] All right now, Sid, here's my plan.
Sid: Stop with your crazy plans. Can't you see I'm trying to faint?
Maxwell: All right, I'll do it myself.
[lets go of false hands tied to chains]
Sid: Oh, the old false hands in the chain trick.
Sid: [Max grabs his belt-buckle and slides out a hacksaw] Oh, the old hacksaw in the belt-buckle trick.
Maxwell: [Max rolls his eyes] Will you shut up?

Maxwell: Excuse me, but I've always been curious: what makes a person wanna work in a morgue?
Mr. Obler: I like a job where you meet people.

Maxwell: Look at this, 99.
Agent: Did you find the fuel?
Maxwell: No, I found a salami.

Siegfried: [Siegfried and Shtarker were also asked to sign Pfisters petition] Did you sign the piece of paper?
Starker: No.
Starker: That's good, you can't write anyway.

Maxwell: [disguised as an old man] All right, Siegfried, what's the deal?
Siegfried: [disguised as an old lady] Schmart, KAOS is a growing organisation. And you'll be working with a great bunch of boys.
Maxwell: I don't know, Siegfried, I've heard there not all as rotten as the pretend to be.
Siegfried: Not as rotten? Are you kidding? They are all former grease masters, disc jockeys, used car salesmen, TV repairmen und politicians.

Chief: Now why would KAOS want to deal with every man you ask to be your best man?
#: Why don't you ask Hymie, Max?
Maxwell: That's a good idea, 99, Hymie...
Hymie: I accept, Max.
Maxwell: No, Hymie, I wasn't going to ask you to be my best man, I was gonna ask you why KAOS is after every man that I ask to be my best man?

Valdez: There she is, Senor Dietrick: the Tequila Mockingbird.
Dietrick: Beautiful! Beautiful! Superb...
Dietrick: Si, magnifico!
Maxwell: Not bad.

Maxwell: Yes, 99, but there's an old Chinese proverb that goes: life is like a pair of chopsticks. If you grab them... eh, you, eh... No, that's not it. Let me see... Ehm... Life is like a shirt. If you lose your buttons, you... No, that isnt it either. Let's see... I've got it! Life is a kumquat.
#: That's it?
Maxwell: Life isn't a kumquat?

Maxwell: Very clever...
Maxwell: [pulls of Siegfrieds fake beard] Siegfried McTavish!
Siegfried: How did you know I wasn't a doctor?
Maxwell: Very simple. You went straight to the patient without even complaining about having to make a house call.

#: [sticking her head out a porthole] Maaaaaaaax! Where are you?
Maxwell: I'm down here, 99!
#: Where Max?
Maxwell: In the water!
#: What do you want me to do, Max?
Maxwell: Have you got the Control files handy?
#: They're in my cabin!
Maxwell: Get them!
#: [goes inside for a moment] I've got them!
Maxwell: Look up my record!
#: Right here, Max, what do you want to know?
Maxwell: [struggling to stay afloat] Did I pass the Control swimming test?
#: [looks it up] Noooooooo!

Chief: [about Simon the Likeable] That man is the most ruthless, cunning, evil and treacherous KAOS agent in the entire world. And a heck of a nice guy.

Maxwell: Agent 99 happens to be one of Control's shadowing experts. As a matter of fact, she won the Lamont Cranston Award three years in a row.

Chief: Take that tree
[the Maricoba Carnivorae - man-eating tree]
Chief: and get it down to headquarters.
Larabee: Right, Chief. Where would you like me to put it?
Chief: Right next to your desk.

Dr. Yes: Our business here is far too important to have strangers snooping about. You agree with Dr. Yes, yes?
Himmel: Jawohl.
Toulouse: Oui.
Natasha: Da.
Lopez: Si.
Dr. Yes: Aah, how lovely it is to hear the word 'yes'. It is music to my ears and pomegranates to my soul. Yes?
Himmel: Jawohl.
Toulouse: Oui.
Natasha: Da.
Lopez: Si.

Dr. Yes: [Max has managed to cut all of Dr Yes's nails but two] You have left me with the keenest, sharpest nail of all. I humbly call it 'The Spoiler' All I need is scratch you. You see the tip is poisoned.

Maxwell: Hey waiter, what's that?
Room: Oh, it's a champagne supper for Mr. Royal and his American fiancée. Poor girl. When he starts operating she'll have as much chance as a draft card at a hippie love-in.
Maxwell: You mean he's a ladies' man?
Room: Well let me put it this way: his little black book is in its 24th edition.
Maxwell: So that's the kind of man he is.
Room: Yeah, all day, all night. I don't know how he does it. I couldn't pass the physical.

Mimsi: [very tipsy] Your cute, you know that? You're very cute.
Maxwell: Stop that, Mimsi!
Mimsi: It's your eyes, they're very sexy when you can find them.

Maxwell: Of course! The old airplaine in the haystack trick.

Maxwell: [Cowboy has jumped from a window, certain there is a KAOS truck full of matrasses waiting for him below] Missed it by that much.

A.J. Pfister: Oh please Mr. Smart, sign my petition.
Maxwell: Eh... your petition, yes, well, it wouldn't do me any good to sign your petition, Mr. Pfister, you see I'm a spy, and my fountain pen is filled with invisible ink.

Maxwell: The temperature in here is definitely getting too high.
Chief: Why do you say that?
Maxwell: My locker key is melting!

Maxwell: Doctor, I'm gonna ask you a question and I want you to tell me the truth. Are you going to kill me?
Dr. Noodelman: [smiling broadly] Yes.
Maxwell: Wouldn't you like a little more time to think over your answer?

Chief: Max, what are you doing?
Maxwell: I beat him, Chief!
Chief: Max, you were out of the gate, why didn't you keep on going?
Maxwell: And lose five bucks?

Victor: The irony of this is exhilerating. Whoever would have thought we'd run into a situation like this. A Control agent will be delivering KAOS information tonight.

Hymie: Groppo is a nice name. I'm looking forward to meeting him.
Maxwell: Hymie, Groppo doesn't wanna make friends with you, he wants to destroy you. He hates you.
Hymie: People hate. Robots love.

#: Ehm, do you happen to know anything about diamonds, Hondo?
Hondo: Hondo can crush diamonds with teeth.
Maxwell: What kind of a trick is that?
Hondo: Expensive.

Maxwell: I did get rid of Basil, didn't I?
Colonel: Yes, but not Basil's aide, someone far more treacherous, and deadly.
Maxwell: Basil's wife?
Colonel: [rolls his eyes] No, Rupert of Rathskellar.
Maxwell: Of course. Rotten, ruthless Rupert of Rathskellar.
Colonel: He's a handsome devil. A dazzling swordsman. And the women of Coronia find him irresistable.
Maxwell: And how do the men find him?
Colonel: He's in the phone book.

#99: [reading the part of Lady Fanny] I wish I could do something with my hair.
Maxwell: [reading the part of the butler] I beg your pardon, smiles and bows.

Harry: Sorry, but humble detective think you are lying.
Von: And I think you are a fool.
Maxwell: Now wait a minute, you can't talk that way to the world's greatest detective!
Harry: Eh, eh, control yourself, Mr. Smart. As Confucius say: stick and stones may break my bone but name will never hurt me.
Maxwell: Confucius said that?
Maxwell: As a child. And now, Von Werner, what are your hobbies?
Von: Water polo, classical music und torture.

Agent: Max! To forget that you've robbed a safe is one thing, but to forget that you've kissed your wife... I don't think that's very nice.

Maxwell: Well, you forgot one thing, my friend. Adrian Listenger was hard of hearing.
Ace: [cocking his head toward Max] ... What?

Maxwell: My father, my father never got me anything. The only thing he hever got me was a pair of long pants so I could go to work.

Maxwell: Poor Finletter. He's the only man who ever drowned in dirt.

Siegfried: Nobody leaves! Not until we have made contact with your friend Dr. T.
Maxwell: Dr. T? What are you talking about, Siegfried? I never heard of a Dr. T.
#: Neither have I. What does he specialize in?
Siegfried: Fortune cookie messages and the Omega Deltroid Solatron Mark II.
Maxwell: How do you like that? Two wild lucky guesses.

Agent: [breaks down and cries] It isn't fair, I'm a good agent. I haven't been able to wear my tuxedo once. Not once! And who'd see it in a clock?

Chief: The moment she tries to kill him, we'll have her for attempted murder.
Agent: But what if she kills him before you get there to stop her?
Chief: Then we'll have her for murder.
Maxwell: That's even better, 99, it's tough to beat a murder rap!

Maxwell: This is a jokebook with every East Himalayan joke. All six of them.

Maxwell: Morning Ingrid, what are you doing?
Ingrid: Oh yes, I was eh, looking for the coffeepot that disappeared yesterday.
Maxwell: Oh yes, well don't bother, it's probably cold by now.

Maxwell: The old gun in the rabbit trick and I fell for it.

Maxwell: [opens car trunk] We're here, Miss Markoff.
Trinka: [hiding in the trunk of Max' car] What took so long?
99: Max had to make sure you were safe.
Maxwell: Yes, that's why I drove around town for three hours. No one could have possibly followed us here.
[Four KAOS agents break cover and start shooting]

Chief: Max, that's good shooting.
Maxwell: I know Chief, I got him right in the fiction section.

Maxwell: How many packets of explosives do we have left?
#: Eh... two.
Maxwell: Good. I'll use one of them to blow open the envelope.

Bronzefinger: No, Mr Smart, it was none of them You see, I am...
[takes off his glove to reveal a bronze thumb]
Maxwell: Bronzethumb!
Bronzefinger: Bronzefinger! A thumb is also a finger.

Maxwell: [Max is a substitute teacher in a Control class] Caruso, you ought to know better than to bring an outsider into this classroom.
Lundy,: He does it every day and every day she gets thrown out.
Maxwell: Well why do you do that?
Caruso,: I like to watch her leave.

Hymie: [at Max' bachelor party] It's 5 minutes to 10, Max, I think we should show the movies now.
Maxwell: Movies?
Hymie: Yes Max, I understand that's what they usually do at bachalor parties, show films.
Maxwell: Oh, what have you got, Hymie?
Hymie: Oh, what have you got, Hymie? Well, it took a little doing, Max, but I managed to get these:
[hands over a list]
Maxwell: [unfolds list eagerly] "Down the Colorado River by kayak". "The Wonderful World of Zinc" and "Holland, land of dykes and tulips".

Parker: I would like Mr. Smart to look at your desk and see if he can detect which item is the listening device.
Chief: Parker, I don't think you should do that.
Maxwell: Don't be ridiculous, Chief. That's a great idea. If he can fool my keen eyes, the security of KAOS is doomed. Excuse me, 99. Now, let's see... Well, I don't think it's this magazine. It's a little obvious and clumsy. Uh... I don't think it's this paperweight, or the cigarette lighter.
Parker: What about that, uh... that fly?
Maxwell: Huh? Oh.
[Max swats the "fly", and Parker gasps in horror]
Maxwell: Got it!

Chief: [under the cone of silence] What was it you wanted to know, Max?
Maxwell: Chief, could you let me have twenty dollars until pay day?
Chief: So you got me in this thing just to ask me money? Are you out of your mind? Are you serious? Are you completely insane?
Maxwell: One question at a time, Chief.