The Best Joe E. Brown Quotes

[last lines]
Jerry: Oh no you don't! Osgood, I'm gonna level with you. We can't get married at all.
Osgood: Why not?
Jerry: Well, in the first place, I'm not a natural blonde.
Osgood: Doesn't matter.
Jerry: I smoke! I smoke all the time!
Osgood: I don't care.
Jerry: Well, I have a terrible past. For three years now, I've been living with a saxophone player.
Osgood: I forgive you.
Jerry: [tragically] I can never have children!
Osgood: We can adopt some.
Jerry: But you don't understand, Osgood! Ohh...
[Jerry finally gives up and pulls off his wig]
Jerry: [normal voice] I'm a man!
Osgood: [shrugs] Well, nobody's perfect!
[Jerry looks on with disbelief as Osgood continues smiling with indifference. Fade out]

Osgood: You must be quite a girl.
Daphne: Wanna bet?

Osgood: [to the elevator operator] All right, driver, once around the park, slowly, and keep your eyes on the road.

Osgood: I am Osgood Fielding the third.
Daphne: I'm Cinderella the second.

Joe E. Brown: [singing] You can tell a Yank, By the way he eats a frank, By the way he fights for the Bill of Rights, And the right to love a girl in tights...

Osgood: You know, I've always been *fascinated* by show business.
Daphne: Is that so?
Osgood: Yes. As a matter of fact it's cost my family quite a bit of money.
Daphne: Oh, you invest in shows?
Osgood: Showgirls. I've been married seven or eight times.
Daphne: You're not sure?
Osgood: Mama is keeping score.

Osgood: [referring to his mother] Right now, she thinks I'm out there on my yacht - deep sea fishing!
Daphne: Well, pull in your reel, Mr. Fielding, you're barking up the wrong fish!

Osgood: Which of these instruments do you play?
Jerry: Bull fiddle!
Osgood: Fascinating! Do you use a bow or do you just pluck it?
Jerry: Most of the time, I *slap* it!