200 Best Lt. Col. Henry Blake Quotes

Capt. 'Trapper John' McIntyre: Henry, did you call Regimental yet?
Lt. Col. Henry Blake: Yes, I called Regimental and they said they're doing their best.
Capt. Benjamin Franklin 'Hawkeye' Pierce: You know there are people at the Alamo still waiting for supplies?

Lt. Col. Henry Blake: Radar, if you want me, I won't be anywhere.

Hawkeye: Good evening. Thank you all for coming. I trust you will forgive me for disturbing you at this late hour, but the time has come to unmask the guilty party - the perpetrator of this bad practical joke.
Frank: We know who the guilty party is.
[to Henry]
Frank: Why do you let him ...
Hawkeye: Contain yourself, Dr. Burns! Remember the old adage: "Methinks he doth protest too much."
Frank: Who does he think he is?
Trapper: The Thin Man?
Hawkeye: You dislike me enough to wish me transferred to another base - preferably an enemy base. But let us not forget Major Houlihan. Tough, ambitious, yet greasy Major Houlihan. Why think of only one culprit? Why not a pair of sweethearts in crime?
Margaret: You are sick!
Hawkeye: Still, another colleague resents me because of his consistent losses at the gaming tables.
Capt. 'Spearchucker' Jones: The man's a fruitcake!
Hawkeye: And yet you, Lieutenant, also had a motive of jealousy, because I share my affections among the ladies.
Lt. Barbara Bannerman: You told me I was the only one - !
Hawkeye: Ha! Of course, my legendary prowess among the fairer sex was cause for envy on the part of... Dr. McIntyre!
Trapper: Legendary? I've seen you strike out in a geisha house.
Hawkeye: Still, we must remember that the thefts were committed in several places, indicating that the thief had access to the various tents and was perhaps short enough to go unnoticed. There is only one man here short enough to bathe in his own helmet. Right, Radar?
Radar: Me? I'm not short!
Hawkeye: [chuckles] Let us not overlook the possibility of a mastermind who commands others to do his bidding, right, Henry?
Henry: [waking up] Uhh, sign what, Radar? I'm sorry, Pierce. Uh, it's going very well.
Hawkeye: A most perplexing riddle, calling for the most ingenious of solutions. Thus I made it publicly known that there were fingerprints to be found on the stolen articles, thereby tempting the criminal to repeat his crime, and retrieve his ill-gotten booty - or his ill-booten gotty. Which he has done! However, in so doing, he has exposed himself.
[Frank closes his robe]
Hawkeye: Because I took the precaution of treating the stolen articles with hydrochloric-alpha-terracin.
Trapper: What's hydrochloric-alpha-terracin?
Hawkeye: A chemical which is at this moment coloring the culprit's fingernails... blue.

Lt. Col. Henry Blake: [rehearsing introductions to Gen. MacArthur during his visit, approaches Hawkeye and Trapper] Two of my captains.
Hawkeye: Captain Sodom and Captain Gomorrah.
[points to Trapper]
Hawkeye: He's Gomorrah.

Kwang: May I serve you, sir?
Lt. Colonel Henry Blake: You betcha. I've been dying for a banana daiquiri.
Kwang: Is that a drink, sir?
Lt. Colonel Henry Blake: Oh yeah. You just take, uh, some bananas, and some rum, and some cream and some crushed ice, and you just put it in a blender.
Kwang: [sighs] We've got no bananas, no rum, and no blender, sir, and only powdered cream.
Lt. Colonel Henry Blake: OK, gimme a beer.

Lt. Col. Henry Blake: [everything in his office had been used for kindling] I mean, I'm speaking to you from deep inside a real big empty.

Henry: All right, now how did Frank get the black eye?
Army Capt. "Trapper John" McIntyre: When he fell he hit the sink.
Henry: Whammo!
Army Capt. "Trapper John" McIntyre: Right!
Cpl. Walter "Radar" O'Reilly: Should I write whammo, sir?
Henry: Uh, no, no, it doesn't sound too G.I. Make it...
Army Capt. "Trapper John" McIntyre: Socko.
Henry: Uh, no, no. That's too Moon Mullins. Make it bam. Okay, so Frank slipped, fell, hit the sink.
Army Capt. "Trapper John" McIntyre: That's my testimony.
Henry: Okeydokey.
Cpl. Walter "Radar" O'Reilly: [writes] Okeydokey.
Henry: No, strike the okeydokey. Make it, uh, very well.
Cpl. Walter "Radar" O'Reilly: Very well.

Lt. Col. Henry Blake: Man. More stuff's coming in from headquarters. New orders, regulations. Read that first one, Radar.
Radar: Uh, yes sir. Uh, the winners of the model yacht race at the cesspool are...
Lt. Col. Henry Blake: Not that, Radar!
Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce: Nah, let him read it! I haven't seen a sports page in months!
Radar: First place went to Pvt. Norman Polanski with his yacht, the American Beauty Dream. Corncob construction, with toilet paper sails.
Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce: Ah, that Polanski has the sea in his blood.
Radar: Second prize to Corporal Timothy McInerney for his clipper, the Evangeline, carved from a pound cake his mother sent him six months ago.
Trapper: Hope he doesn't invite us for dessert.
Radar: The remainder of the contestants didn't finish due to a sudden undertow after breakfast.

Brig. Gen. Charlie Hammond: Henry, those two maniacs are the best two surgeons I've ever seen. Made me feel like a horsedoctor in there. And make sure you don't lose them - not even to me.
Lt. Col. Henry Blake: Yes, sir.

Lt. Col. Henry Blake: [Henry sits down at his desk, which is now a foot shorter] Radar, am I getting taller or is the room shrinking?
Cpl. Walter 'Radar' O'Reilly: Somebody cut the legs off, sir.
Lt. Col. Henry Blake: Oh, that's dirty pool.
Cpl. Walter 'Radar' O'Reilly: Well they'll burn anything to keep warm, sir.
Lt. Col. Henry Blake: I know, but to cut off a man's legs and steal his drawers...

Capt. Benjamin Franklin 'Hawkeye' Pierce: Henry, bon voyage.
[hands Henry a small bag]
Henry: Thank you. Uh, normally I'd soak this in a pail of water, but this being my last day...
[unzips the bag]
Capt. Benjamin Franklin 'Hawkeye' Pierce: Actually, its a prescription for your health.
[Henry opens the bag and pulls out a brassiere]
Capt. Benjamin Franklin 'Hawkeye' Pierce: Have it filled in Tokyo.

Henry: [at his farewell party, drunk] Woo, woo, woo!

Henry: [being force-fed shots of bourbon] Now this is the last one, Pierce, and then I have to shoot some targets - and I didn't even know they were in season.

Henry: Klinger! It's 4:00 in the afternoon, and you're still in a housecoat? Put on a dress! You never know who might be coming around!
Cpl. Maxwell Q. Klinger: Yes, sir!
Henry: Boy, oh boy, oh boy! ! You gotta stay on top of these guys every minute!

Lt. Col. Henry Blake: Well, sir, just about almost ready now, any minute now, pretty soon, sir.

Henry: Captain Sloan here is with supply.
Captain: More accurately, I'm with the 375th Q. M. H. Q., COMSEAPAC, SEOULSEC REPDEP.
Hawkeye: Maybe I'll have that drink.
Captain: Now, the business at hand is an incubator, that is if my lieutenant understood what your colonel said you captains want.
Hawkeye: Right.
Trapper: And we need one as soon as possible.
Captain: Well, let's see what the good book says.
Hawkeye: The good book?
Captain: The Manual of Supply and Requisition.
Hawkeye: MANSUPREQ.
Captain: Um, "inhalator, indicator, innoculator, infusilator - " Here it is: 437 - stroke - R2, incubator.
Henry: Thar she blows!
Captain: "Device for developing bacterial cultures at constant suitable temperatures." Uh-huh. I see. That certainly makes sense. You can't have one.

Lt. Col. Henry Blake: [Examining the x-rays of the elderly Korean man Radar supposedly hit with a jeep] Well, there's no broken bones. Everything's right where it ought to be.
Cpl. Walter "Radar" O'Reilly: Are you sure, sir?
Lt. Col. Henry Blake: Radar, I might not be the best surgeon in the world, but I can read an x-ray with one eye tied behind my back. The only thing wrong with him is some calcification around his joints, which isn't surprising. He was probably born two years before Moses.

Hawkeye: [exasperated at Quartermaster Sloan's denial of his request for a hospital incubator] We're not asking for a jukebox or a pizza oven!
Captain: Oh, I can let you have one of those.
Henry: No kidding! That would be great on movie nights! You got any of those pizza requisition forms?
Captain: [referring to a generic Army requisition form] Oh, just use one of those standard S-1798s and write in "pizza" where it says "machine gun."

Maj. Margaret "Hot Lips" Houlihan: It's a very genuine pleasure to have you at the 4077th, Nancy dear.
Nancy: Oh, it's mine too. Everyone's been so terrific about being nice to me!
Maj. Frank Burns: It's nice to be nice... to the nice!
[giggles]
Maj. Margaret "Hot Lips" Houlihan: She's darling, Henry. Looks a little like your oldest daughter, doesn't she, Frank? He has three.
Maj. Frank Burns: They're all back in the States.
Lt. Col. Henry Blake: Well, "goom-bye," people. We're gonna wet our whistle.
Maj. Margaret "Hot Lips" Houlihan: Glad to have met you.
[Henry and Nancy leave]
Maj. Margaret "Hot Lips" Houlihan: "Nice to be nice to the nice?"
Maj. Frank Burns: Just making conversation.
Maj. Margaret "Hot Lips" Houlihan: Try doing it with your mouth shut.

Henry: [Henry's final line, as he says good-bye to Radar] You behave yourself, or I'm gonna come back here and kick your butt!

Henry: [on the phone with General Clayton, while reading from a book that's upside down] While I've got you on the pipe, the suggestion's been made that we could use an oh-four W. W. nug. Yeah, that's right, sir. A nug so that we can, uh, uh - what's a nug sir? Well, a nug is,
[Frank turns the book over]
Henry: uh, a gun, sir. A 40 M. M. gun.
Trapper: Henry, you gotta be kidding!
Hawkeye: We definitely do not need a nug.
Frank: Keep your snoots out of this!
Trapper: We don't need a gun or a nug.
Hawkeye: What are you trying to do, get us into the war?
Trapper: [grabbing the phone] General, listen, you send a gun up here, and that's gonna draw fire. That won't do our wounded very much good.
Henry: [taking the phone back] Give me that!
Hawkeye: [grabbing the phone] Get rid of the ammo dump, and we won't need a gun.
Henry: [taking the phone back] Do you mind?
Frank: [grabbing the phone] The previous suggestion is contraindicated, we need an antiaircraft gun desperately, general.
Hawkeye: Frank, how would you like a spontaneous nose job?

Hawkeye: [Mocking Colonel Blake and Captain Sloan after being told they couldn't get an incubator] "Thank you, Colonel. Sorry, Captain. Sorry, patient. You have a temperature of 109 - stroke - 10. Afraid you can't have an incubator, but you can have a pizza with everything to go. Unless of course, you go first."
Henry: Let's stay on the ground, shall we, Pierce?
Hawkeye: Does the book allow us any ground, Captain? Otherwise, I'm afraid I'm going to have to ask you all to take a step up.
Trapper: Into limbo.
Hawkeye: No, you can't have any limbo. In fact, you can't have anything - stroke - nothing which is not approved by STATQUOPAC. Which is enough to make you reach for AIRSICKBAG.

Cpl. Walter "Radar" O'Reilly: [on the phone] Oh yeah? Well this is Col. Blake. I want that chopper here by 1600. And that's an order, Captain!
Lt. Col. Henry Blake: Radar?
Cpl. Walter "Radar" O'Reilly: Sir?
Lt. Col. Henry Blake: Since when have you been promoted to me?

Lt. Col. Henry Blake: Seems like a good enough cause. Why don't I trust you guys?
Army Capt. 'Trapper John' McIntyre: 'Cause we're not trustworthy.
Lt. Col. Henry Blake: Yeah, maybe that's it.

Henry: Wow. Did you really call a one-star general a "NINCOMPAC?"

Lt. Colonel Henry Blake: Radar, will you call the roll, please?
Trapper: Henry, are you kidding? We all know who's here.
Maj. Frank Burns: Regulations require it.
Lt. Colonel Henry Blake: Well, I can see that. I mean it could be that some of us aren't all here.
Hawkeye: I move that we take the roll. And if somebody's not here, he's probably someplace else, in which case the record should show it. Unless of course the person making the record isn't here.

Henry: Pierce, is there anything I can do to help?
Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce: It's the first time I cried since I came to this crummy place. I don't understand that.
Henry: Well, Gillis was your friend. I mean, it's only natural that you'd, uh, you know.
Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce: Henry, I know why I'm crying now. Tommy was my friend, and I watched him die, and I'm crying. I've watched guys die almost every day. Why didn't I ever cry for them?
Henry: Because you're a doctor.
Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce: The hell does that mean?
Henry: I don't know. If I had the answer, I'd be at the Mayo Clinic. Does this place look like the Mayo Clinic? Look, all I know is what they taught me at command school. There are certain rules about a war. And rule number one is young men die. And rule number two is, doctors can't change rule number one.

Lt. Col. Henry Blake: [Blake yells at the sniper from the door of the shower tent] Can you hear me out there? This is Lieutenant Colonel Henry Blake!
[a shot from the sniper hits the door frame, causing Blake to duck back inside the tent]
Lt. Col. Henry Blake: That son of a gun hears pretty good!

Margaret: Colonel, I am requesting that you officially and formally approve my transfer.
Henry: Look, I am glad this has come up. Now, I want you two guys to straighten up and fly right. I want you to accord Major Houlihan the courtesy and respect accordable to someone who has achieved her high rank and sex.
Margaret: I am not looking for a truce with these two shower-tent peekers!
Trapper: You peek into one shower and you're labeled for life.

Captain Phillip G. Sherman: Colonel, I'm taking him with me to Tokyo tomorrow.
Lt. Colonel Henry Blake: You're gonna what?
Captain Phillip G. Sherman: I think Captain Pierce can use a few weeks of observation.
Lt. Colonel Henry Blake: Well, wait a minute. I mean, what if I never get him back?
Captain Phillip G. Sherman: We'll do the best we can
Lt. Colonel Henry Blake: This is the Army. Nobody can do the best they can.

Army Capt. "Trapper John" McIntyre: I specifically told Major Burns that a bar of soap on the floor can be very slippery.
Henry: Frank says Pierce hit him.
Army Capt. "Trapper John" McIntyre: Oh, no, no, Henry. When Frank fell on the soap, Hawkeye tried to break his fall.
Henry: By jamming his fist in Frank's eye?

Henry: [Col. Blake has just appointed Hawkeye as chief surgeon] Hawkeye, don't let me down.
Hawkeye: [wearing his underwear and bathrobe] Would I do anything to disgrace this uniform?

Lt. Col. Henry Blake: [after being introduced to Maj. Stoner from the Inspector General's office] This is somewhat of a frightening honor.

Margaret: Colonel, I just wanted you to know that I was preparing my final report before I go, which I haven't done yet.
[she walks up to Henry's liquor cabinet and finds it locked]
Margaret: Uh, how do you get into this thing?
Henry: Is there something you want?
Margaret: I thought a little farewell drink - Major, Colonel.
Henry: Looks like you've already been dipping your bill. You sure you won't reconsider, major?
Margaret: No, I've thought it over, and I definitely would like another drink.
Henry: Okay. Scotch and water okay?
Margaret: That's fine. Oh, you can skip the water.
Henry: Oo-kay.
Margaret: [mimicking Henry] Oo-kay.
Henry: [pouring drinks] You know, Major, you're making a mistake. This outfit may be a bit of a booby hatch, but, uh, we do awful good work together.
Margaret: Yeah, I can't fight you there.
Henry: Cheers.
[they toast and drink]
Margaret: I need army discipline. I need a sense of order. Can't you understand that, Colonel?
Henry: Why don't you call me Henry, for Pete's sake?
Margaret: That's really swell of you, Pete.
Henry: [sitting down] Excuse me.
Margaret: Do you know that you look just like my father before he died?
Henry: Oh, uh, a lot of people have said that.
Margaret: [pouring another drink] It's funny how you only get to know people after they're gone. I feel real close to you right now.
Henry: Yeah, sure. Uh, that, uh, scotch you just poured is rye.
Margaret: That's okay. The champagne I just had was gin.

Lt. Colonel Henry Blake: [on phone to Col. Andropoulos] For some reason the olives turned black!... .Oh!

Lt. Col. Henry Blake: As we round the clubhouse turn, it's Hawk's Pride with Gal o' War, Girlaway, and Bouncing Betty.

Henry: Here's looking up your old address.

[a chopper is carrying Lt. Col. Blake's desk away]
Hawkeye: Pardon me, Henry, isn't that your desk?
Henry: Yeah, that's my genuine antique desk.
Trapper: Sending it out to be waxed?
Henry: I'm not sure what it's doing up there. Just keeps going up... up... up...
Hawkeye: To a far, far better place, I'm sure.

Hawkeye: [General Hammond has put Hawkeye and Trapper under arrest] What's the charge, General?
Brig. Gen. Charlie Hammond: Breaking orders by having this party.
Lt. Col. Henry Blake: And handing out unauthorized passes!
[Takes the passes from Hawkeye]
Hawkeye: [Sees Frank, swathed in bandages, led in by Margaret; speaks mimicking Peter Lorre] Uuuuuh! The mummy strikes!

Lt. Colonel Henry Blake: All right. He can't have the pass, but I will drop the charges.
Hawkeye: Henry, that's very decent of you. Would you like to try for human?

Cpl. Walter "Radar" O'Reilly: It's not mine!
Lt. Col. Henry Blake: The mother says it is.
Cpl. Walter "Radar" O'Reilly: Well, what does she know? I mean, she's mixing me up with somebody else.
Capt. Sam Pak: That's possible. You all look alike to us.
Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce: Come on, Radar. Level. Could you be the father?
Cpl. Walter "Radar" O'Reilly: Of course I could, but I'm not. I mean, I do, but I didn't!
Lt. Col. Henry Blake: Do you admit that you know her?
Cpl. Walter "Radar" O'Reilly: Sure I know her. She's from the village. I've run into her a few times.
Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce: Well, *once* anyway.
Cpl. Walter "Radar" O'Reilly: No! Never!
Lt. Col. Henry Blake: You'd better be telling the truth, Radar. They're sending someone from the Judge Advocate to question you.
Cpl. Walter "Radar" O'Reilly: I'm not worried.
Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce: Radar, why would she pick on you?
Army Capt. "Trapper John" McIntyre: Of all people.
Cpl. Walter "Radar" O'Reilly: Now what is that crack? Just 'cause I don't fool around like you guys doesn't mean I don't fool around like you guys!

Lt. Col. Henry Braymore Blake: [nervously answering a phone call from General Clayton] Col. Clayton, General Blake here sir.
Gen. Crandell Clayton: Steady, Henry.
Lt. Col. Henry Braymore Blake: Yes, sir.
Gen. Crandell Clayton: Uh, I just called to offer my congratulations.
Lt. Col. Henry Braymore Blake: Well that certainly means a lot coming from you, sir. Uh, may I ask for what?
Gen. Crandell Clayton: Well, I just got a letter from Sister Theresa!
Lt. Col. Henry Braymore Blake: Oh, I didn't know you had a sister.
Gen. Crandell Clayton: She's a nun.
Lt. Col. Henry Braymore Blake: Oh, you must be very proud, sir.
Gen. Crandell Clayton: Sister Theresa is a nun, who runs an orphanage near your outfit.
Lt. Col. Henry Braymore Blake: Oh well, well I mean, I don't know every nun in the uh, it's not my habit sir to uh, that's not what I mean.

Henry: Where were you tonight when that jeep went through my quarters?
Captain: [Jumping to his feet, startled] When the what went through your where?
Captain: He was right here!
Henry: Oh, yeah? And just where is here?
Captain: Here is where we are.
Henry: [Deflating] Oh. This here here?

Frank: Colonel, I insist you do something about these raids!
Henry: Aw, gimme a break Frank. Get off my back.
Frank: Well, history certainly repeats itself. Nobody listened to Billy Mitchell either.
Henry: Who's Billy Mitchell?
Frank: A General who advocated a strong air force. Gary Cooper played him.
Henry: Yeah? I thought he played Sgt. York.
Frank: He, he did but he also play Billy Mitchell, and Lou Gehrig, and he was for a strong air force.
Henry: Hey, that's pretty surprising for a 1st baseman.

Pratt: My people want to know what Flagg's people are up to.
Lt. Col. Henry Blake: But why do we have to be in the middle? Can't you let my people go?

Gen. Wilson Spaulding Barker: May I make a suggestion about Major Burns?
Henry: Yes, Sir.
Gen. Wilson Spaulding Barker: Give him a high colonic and send him on a ten-mile hike.
Army Capt. 'Trapper John' McIntyre: With full pack.
Gen. Wilson Spaulding Barker: Good touch.

Lt. Col. Henry Braymore Blake: Alright, who ordered the pepperoni pizza?

Henry: Jiminy Crickets, Frank! Do you know what has to be done to court-martial somebody? I mean, the-the paperwork?
Cpl. Walter "Radar" O'Reilly: [Reading the regulation] "Pending the completion of the preliminary investigation by the C.O. the accused officer is relieved of duty and placed under house arrest." He can't leave his tent.
Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce: You mean I just get to stay in and sleep and eat meals and read?
Cpl. Walter "Radar" O'Reilly: Yes, sir.
Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce: [to Henry and Frank] Take me. I'm yours. I surrender. And I'll fight to the death any chance to set me free.

Radar: [as Hawkeye and Trapper wrestle with Frank Burns, for his battery-warmed socks] They're hunting socks, sir.
Henry: At this hour?

Hawkeye: Mr. Kwang's wife is having a baby!
Capt. 'Trapper John' McIntyre: Her first!
Hawkeye: And what makes it really exciting is that Mr. Kwang's the father!
Lt. Colonel Henry Blake: [apathetically] Uh-huh.
Radar: [sweetly] Oh, geez sir, it sure would be swell if we could get this Korean mommy and daddy, with their little baby all together in the same place.
Lt. Colonel Henry Blake: Will you cut it out?

Henry: [Hawkeye and Sidney are joking around off camera] Are we here to play cards or chew the fat?
Capt. Sam Pak: If I want to chew the fat, I'll eat a sandwich.

Lt. Col. Henry Blake: Oh, yes. Well, I'm afraid this is what you call your command decision. It's "lonely at the top" time. Strictly something for your leader.
Capt. Benjamin Franklin 'Hawkeye' Pierce: [Long pause] Well, Henry?
Lt. Col. Henry Blake: Oh, golly. Whatever you people decide is fine with me.

Gen. Crandell Clayton: [discussing his plans over the phone with Col. Blake to recognize Tuttle's generosity] Therefore, I've decided to come out on the field tomorrow, and personally give Cpt. Tuttle a decoration.
Radar: [eavesdropping in on, and accidentally contributing to the conversation] Wow!
Gen. Crandell Clayton: What's that?
Lt. Col. Henry Braymore Blake: I mean uh, wow, sir!

Henry: [stammering] Uh, now, uh, the, uh,
[clears throat]
Henry: excuse me, uh, the, uh, union of, uh, figure A, man, and, uh, figure B, uh, the, uh, woman...
[chuckles from lecture audience]
Henry: ...is the most s-sublime expression of, uh, romantic love. However, only in the institution of marriage is it recommended that this expression take place.
Trapper: Uh, sir?
Henry: Mm-hmm?
Trapper: Um, what happens in the event that, um, figure A is attracted to figure B and wants to get married, but figure A is already married to, say, figure C, and figure B is engaged to figure D, but figure A can't keep his hands off of figure B because she's got such a great figure?
Henry: Uh-huh. Uh, well, according to the army, he's got to forget her.
Hawkeye: That figures.

Lt. Col. Henry Blake: [reading a set of instructions] And carefully cut the wires leading to the clockwork fuse at the head.
[Trapper cuts the wires]
Lt. Col. Henry Blake: But first, remove the fuse.
[pause. Everyone exchanges panicked looks. Trapper listens to the bomb with a stethoscope]
Army Capt. 'Trapper John' McIntyre: Psst. Psst.
Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce: You spring a leak?
Army Capt. 'Trapper John' McIntyre: It stopped ticking.
Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce: Let's get the hell outta here. We've only got two minutes... maybe.

Lt. Colonel Henry Blake: [about Korean baby's mother] Can she speak English, Radar?
Corporal: No, sir. But it's nice you can smile in Korean.

Trapper: Radar, how do we go about requisitioning an incubator?
Henry: Just HOLD it! I'm sick and tired of you guys going over my head down to Radar!
Corporal: Oh, I don't mind, Sir.

Lt. Col. Henry Blake: Captain Pierce - maintenance and general service and supplies. Major Houlihan, you'll look after the nurses.
Capt. Benjamin Franklin 'Hawkeye' Pierce: Margaret, I'll trade you my maintenance for your nurse looking after.

Trapper: We're here to help Colonel Blake, sir.
Lt. Col. Henry Blake: Yeah, get me life in front of the firing squad.

Henry: You're always wrong, Frank. That's what's so right about you.

Maj. Frank Burns: Scalpel.
Henry: Gonna do some cutting, Frank?
Maj. Frank Burns: Well, I figured I would go after the appendix while I'm in the area.
Henry: That's not the appendix, Frank. That's my pinky. And I'm rather fond of it.

Maj. Margaret 'Hot Lips' Houlihan: It's very simple, Colonel. Either you ship Travis out or the major and I will simply have to go over your head.
Lt. Colonel Henry Blake: Well, you've done that so many times, I've got athlete's scalp.

Lt. Col. Henry Blake: [Waiting impatiently for a phone call] Ring!
[Phone rings. Henry looks stunned]

Lt. Col. Henry Blake: Radar, what's the poop on the overall situation, status-wise?
Cpl. Walter 'Radar' O'Reilly: Oh, we're not too bad, sir. The food's holding out and the fueI's okay. We are having a little trouble with the... T-paper shortage.
Lt. Col. Henry Blake: Oh?
Cpl. Walter 'Radar' O'Reilly: People are breaking into the fortune cookies.

Hawkeye: Wait, hold it, wait a minute. We didn't hear Frank's answer. We don't know if he's here.
Maj. Frank Burns: Of course I'm here!
Trapper: Regulations, Frank.
Lt. Colonel Henry Blake: Radar.
Corporal: Here, sir.
Lt. Colonel Henry Blake: No. Ask Frank over there if he's here.
Corporal: Oh, yes, sir. Major Frank Burns?
Maj. Frank Burns: [tensely] Here.

Army Capt. "Trapper John" McIntyre: [Blake and Radar come into the Swamp for the night] Colonel Blake's party!
Hawkeye: We have your reservation, sir. A single bed for yourself and a cradle for your son.
Lt. Col. Henry Blake: Let's not have a lot of tongue-wagging in here tonight.
Cpl. Walter "Radar" O'Reilly: Which bed should I take, sir?
Lt. Col. Henry Blake: Well, let me face away from everybody, Radar, on account of me snoring.
Hawkeye: Oh, lovely!
Army Capt. "Trapper John" McIntyre: Henry, you're joking.
Lt. Col. Henry Blake: Joking? Heh. I could be on the Olympic Snoring team. I snored the siding half off of my house. I even got a fan letter once from the seismograph people at Fordham.
Hawkeye: How are we supposed to sleep with that?
Lt. Col. Henry Blake: Well, if it gets too bad, just do what my wife does.
Hawkeye: What's that?
Lt. Col. Henry Blake: [smiling] Hold me close!

Henry: [Klinger is standing at attention in a tacky Carmen Miranda outfit] Klinger, that outfit might just get you that Section 8.
Cprl. Maxwell Klinger: I made it just for this occasion, sir. I was in such a hurry, I didn't get the back zipped.
Henry: I'll do it.
[Klinger spins around]
Cprl. Maxwell Klinger: Up, sir.
[Blake zips it; Klinger spins back around and snaps to attention]
Henry: There you go, soldier.
Cprl. Maxwell Klinger: Sir, I have a picture of me. Would you carry it in your wallet?
Henry: Your pink evening gown.
Cprl. Maxwell Klinger: I knew it was your favorite, sir.

Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce: You know something Henry?
Lt. Col. Henry Blake: What?
Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce: You're not nearly as dumb as I thought you were.
Lt. Col. Henry Blake: Thanks. You know something Pierce?
Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce: What?
Lt. Col. Henry Blake: You're disgusting when you try to be nice.

Lt. Colonel Henry Blake: [after finding out he signed a medical release for a lamb] I must be going crazy.
Captain: Don't fight it, Henry.

Lt. Col. Henry Blake: Uh, Lieutenant Harper, this is Captain Pak, R.O.K. And this is Lieutenant Mulcahy, G-O-D.

Lt. Col. Henry Blake: All right, let's have it. What's wrong with Klinger?
Maj. Frank Burns: What's wrong with Klinger? A soldier stands in your office in an evening gown and you ask what's wrong with him?

Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce: Are those the right instructions, Henry?
Lt. Col. Henry Blake: I hope so.
Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce: I hope so, too. Otherwise I'm coming back in the next life as a squirrel and run right up your pants leg.

Frank: I have got oak leaves on my shoulders.
Henry: And I've got dimples on my butt.

Klinger: Halt! Who goes there?
Henry: Out of the way, Klinger.
Klinger: I've got to have the password, Colonel.
Henry: Bull feathers!
Klinger: That was last week's password.
Henry: I don't remember the damn password!
Klinger: Then I can't let you pass, sir.
Henry: Klinger.
Klinger: Sir?
Henry: If I don't get to the latrine, something's going to happen that hasn't happened since I was six. If that happens, Corporal, you'll be in the army until you're a little old whatever-you-are, in correction shoes and support stockings. Now blow!
Klinger: Yes, sir!

Maj. Margaret "Hot Lips" Houlihan: Colonel Blake?
Lt. Col. Henry Blake: Oh, Major Houlihan, Major Stoner...
Maj. Margaret "Hot Lips" Houlihan: Major.
Maj. Stoner: Major.
Lt. Col. Henry Blake: Major. Major Burns, Major Stoner...
Maj. Frank Burns: Major.
Maj. Stoner: Major.
Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce: Major Pierce...
Lt. Col. Henry Blake: Major.
Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce: Well, I think we've made a major breakthrough here.

Lt. Col. Henry Blake: Furthermore and to wit
Cpl. Walter 'Radar' O'Reilly: To what?
Lt. Col. Henry Blake: Not to what to wit

Cpl. Walter "Radar" O'Reilly: [examining Lt. Col. Blake's ear] Wow!
Lt. Col. Henry Blake: What? What is it? What do you see?
Cpl. Walter "Radar" O'Reilly: I can't describe it... it's almost like a little Nativity scene...!

Lt. Col. Henry Braymore Blake: Do we have enough sherry and ginger ale for the general?
Cpl. Walter Eugene 'Radar' O'Reilly: Oh, nobody does, sir.

Henry: Regimental headquarters, For Your Eyes Only, Top Secret. Is it?
Cpl. Walter 'Radar' O'Reilly: I didn't think so.

[Henry Blake, Hawkeye and Trapper are watching a nudie flick in Henry's office]
Henry: Pretty good, huh?
Trapper: Not much story, but plenty of action.
Hawkeye: [leaning toward the screen] It can't be!
Henry: What?
Hawkeye: It is! It's Charlie Abrams's receptionist!
[He cackles gleefully]
Hawkeye: She looks a lot better in balloons than a uniform.
Margaret: [entering the office, immediately shocked] Colonel!
Henry: Whoops!
Margaret: That's the most vulgar, base thing I've ever seen!
Hawkeye: Well, Margaret, you can't come in in the middle.
Margaret: It's disgusting!
Hawkeye: The critics panned it, too, but we're trying to judge it on its own merits.

Lt. Colonel Henry Blake: Radar? Can you hear me? It's me.
Corporal: [having a fever dream] I'm sorry about the car, Dad. I had to swerve to miss the lake.

Lt. Colonel Henry Blake: You know what I've been doing? Crying. I never cry. I never cried as a kid. Go ahead. Hit me on the arm as hard as you can. I won't cry. Go on.
Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce: It's no sin to cry.
Lt. Colonel Henry Blake: It is in Bloomington. Tractor tipped over on my father once, and he walked five miles into the woods to scream.

[Klinger reads Henry a letter from his mom that says his dad's dying]
Henry: The father dying, right?
Klinger: Yes, sir.
Henry: [takes out a stack of papers and reads them] Father dying last year. Mother dying last year. Mother AND father dying. Mother, father, and older sister dying. Mother dying and older sister pregnant. Older sister dying and mother pregnant. Younger sister pregnant and older sister dying. Here's an oldie but a goodie: Half of the family dying, other half pregnant.

Henry: Why can't everybody be on the same time?
Radar: Because the Earth is round and it keeps rotating all the time.
Henry: Oh. I thought it was just an army thing.

Lt. Colonel Henry Blake: Oh, don't give me that amnesia bit! I remember seeing this last night at the poker game!
Hawkeye: [along with Trapper] What Poker game?
Capt. 'Trapper John' McIntyre: [along with Hawkeye] What Poker game?

Frank: We were just, um... going over tomorrow's duty roster.
Lt. Col. Henry Braymore Blake: The one on my desk?
Major: He means yesterday's duty roster tomorrow.

Cpl. Maxwell Q. Klinger: Corporal Klinger, volunteering for corpsman duty, sir.
Lt. Col. Henry Blake: Really, Klinger?
Capt. Benjamin Franklin 'Hawkeye' Pierce: Terrific.
Cpl. Maxwell Q. Klinger: What the hell. Maybe I can get out for bravery. I'm sure not making it for nutsery.

Henry: I sure wish I knew what was going on.
Radar: I'll tell you later, sir.
Henry: You know Radar, you always say that, but you never do.

Lt. Col. Henry Blake: You woke me up for that, Private O'Reilly?
Cpl. Walter 'Radar' O'Reilly: Corporal, Sir.
Lt. Col. Henry Blake: Nothing is forever, Radar.

Lt. Col. Henry Blake: [Proctoring Radar's diploma exam] All right, Radar. Take a piece of paper and a pencil and sit down. Comfortable?
Cpl. Walter 'Radar' O'Reilly: C-O-M-F-O-R...
Lt. Col. Henry Blake: No no, that's just a rhetorical question!
Cpl. Walter 'Radar' O'Reilly: Oh. I don't study those.

Lt. Col. Henry Blake: I'm guilty. That's my explanation. So, you can hang my butt from a flagpole.

[last lines]
Lt. Col. Henry Blake: Funny isn't it? I couldn't wait 'til she got here, and now I'm glad she's gone.
Hawkeye: If you sucked your gut in one more time, your belly button would have fallen out the backside.

Lt. Col. Henry Blake: Radar will be the housing officer. Now, before this is over, we may have to double up or even triple up to save heat. Radar will decide who sleeps with who.
Army Capt. "Trapper John" McIntyre: Radar, I'd like to see you right after the meeting.

Father: Well, better kept them locked up until you can find the owner. A lot of people would like to get their hands on them.
Lt. Col. Henry Blake: Oh don't you worry, Father. I'll ask around. I'll ask around. And then meanwhile, I'll stay very close to these.

Henry: Will you stop saying what I'm thinking?
Radar: One of us has to.

Cpl. Walter "Radar" O'Reilly: Here you go, sir.
[hands a clipboard to Col. Blake]
Lt. Col. Henry Blake: Radar, give me this here clipboard I got here.

Henry: [after Hawkeye starts a riot in the mess tent over the food] Just who do you think you are, Pierce?
Hawkeye: I broke under the pressure, warden.
Trapper: Eleven straight days, Henry!
Henry: Well, don't you think I tried for some relieviation?
Radar: Yes, sir?
Henry: Radar, what happened to the frozen turkey I ordered you to order?
Radar: I put in the requisition, sir, marked "urgent."
Henry: Well?
Radar: They sent us five thousand athletic supporters.
Trapper: Marked "urgent!"
[laughs]
Henry: I don't find that such a rib-tickler, Mclntyre.

Henry: [after receiving an award] You people, you great doctors and you swell gals, who made this possible, are just too numerous to mention, but I'm mighty grateful to all of you - right down to my Right Hand, Cpl. Radar O'Reilly, who incidentally is in command of this unit, and just uses me as a front.
[Henry laughs nervously as everyone else stands stone-faced]

Lt. Col. Henry Blake: All right, people, I'm gonna give it to you straight. Starting right here and now, we're all going to have to put our shoulders to the wheel, our noses to the grindstone. We've got to hunker down and pull together, all for one and one for all.
Army Capt. "Trapper John" McIntyre: Welcome to the Henry Blake Cliche Festival.

Henry: You sure you don't want a drink, Radar?
Radar: No sir, it makes my eyes turn red and I fall down.
Henry: It's kind of nice to lie down with red eyes.

Klinger: Sir, I have to confess. I'm a communist. An atheistic Marxist card-carrying uh...
Henry: Bolshevik.
Klinger: No, honest!
Henry: You are not.
Klinger: I am too, you imperialist dog.

Col. Flagg: [flipping open his litle book] Pierce and Mclntyre. Uh-huh. Oh, yes.
Henry: Red marks next to their names?
Col. Flagg: Unfriendlies.
Henry: Yellow next to mine?
Col. Flagg: Work on it.

Frank: I'm sure General Clayton would send us an anti-aircraft gun.
Henry: And I'm sure General Clayton is not in the rent a gun business.

Henry: [cleaning his new oak desk] I'll bet you don't know what kind of wood this is.
Radar: It's oak.
Henry: Nope. It's oak.

Army Capt. 'Trapper John' McIntyre: How are ya, Henry?
Hawkeye: How are ya, Henry?
Lt. Col. Henry Blake: That's not what you guys came to ask. I mean, the last thing you wanna know when you say, "How are you?" is how am I.

Lt. Col. Henry Blake: [to Radar, referring the General Steele waiting to find a location to move the unit to] Come on. Let's not keep Ding Dong waiting!

Klinger: ["The Conference" is under way] Five clams.
Trapper: I'm out.
Henry: I'm in.
Hawkeye: I wonder what the chances are of my getting the fifth Jack? Oh well not to worry.
[Calls]
Dr. Sidney Freedman: Your five, and up five.
Klinger: That's mean.
Dr. Sidney Freedman: I'm gonna beat the pants off ya, lady.
Trapper: Hey! Where'd we get the kosher salami?
Capt. Sam Pak: I brought it! A little girl I knew at Berkley sent it. She's a yenta now.
Klinger: All right, all right. Here we go. Down and dirty!
[deals the next cards]
Dr. Sidney Freedman: [groaning at his hand] Aiyeeeee!
Hawkeye: What's your problem, poker face?
Dr. Sidney Freedman: I'm "committing suicide."
Henry: Go out in turn, Sidney. Whoops, just found something... but i'll check.
Hawkeye: Hey, I bought the fifth Jack... i'm out.
Klinger: Dealer bets ten bucks!
[tosses in the bet]
Klinger: Colonel?
Henry: [Radar enters behind him trying to get his attention, Blake is fondling his chips] Let's see here.
Dr. Sidney Freedman: Fondling your chips is very infantile.
Henry: Not now, Sidney.
Radar: But sir...
Henry: Not now, Radar.
Radar: Yeah, but sir...
Henry: Radar, whatever it is, sign it, cancel it, or order five more!

Henry: [to Hawkeye and Trapper, after an incident at I Corps] Did you really yell "Give me an incubator or give me death"?

Trapper: If you won't help us, we'll tell everyone your brother's in prison!
Henry: My brother is the warden!
Hawkeye: We won't say that part!

Lt. Col. Henry Blake: [Addressing staff in the compound] We have to quickly deshambolize.

Radar: These are his wedding pictures.
Lt. Col. Henry Blake: They must be, I don't see a casket.

Henry: [after making Hawkeye Chief Surgeon] Hawkeye? Don't let me down.
Hawkeye: [in his bath robe] Would I do anything to disgrace this uniform?

Maj. Frank Burns: It's the same thing every time in the O.R. with those two boobs! Tension, insults, Bickering!
Lt. Colonel Henry Blake: Frank, I don't know why you let them bother you, you know you're a good surgeon.
Maj. Frank Burns: Of course I know I'm a terrific surgeon.
Lt. Colonel Henry Blake: Who said terrific? I said fair.
Maj. Frank Burns: You said good!

Major: Margaret, I was wrong.
Lt. Colonel Henry Blake: [smiling] You're always wrong, Frank. That's what's so right about you.

Lt. Col. Henry Blake: Okay, why'd you do it?
Trapper: Do what?
Lt. Col. Henry Blake: Do what you did.
Hawkeye: What are we supposed to have done that makes you ask if we've done what we did?

Frank: I have got oak leaves on my shoulders.
Henry: And I've got dimples on my butt.

Henry: Look at this, guys. Our own barbecue. I'll show you amateurs how to put on a party.
Trapper: We're through with parties for a while, Henry.
Henry: Well, you'll never top last night. That was a real wingding.
[Chuckles]
Henry: I'd have bet anything you couldn't get four people inside a sleeping bag.

Lt. Gen. Robert 'Iron Guts' Kelly: Uh, Colonel Wortman, why don't you go along with Major Burns here and check out the unit's motor pool setup and see how closely it conforms to the Pentagon's new Franistan plan. Give it a good going over... you know, take your time, a couple of hours at least.
Colonel: Yes, sir.
Maj. Frank Burns: Now General?
Lt. Col. Henry Braymore Blake: Uh, General, what is the Franistan plan?
Colonel: A tremendous Army research project for making crank case oil edible after 5000 miles.

Capt. Sam Pak: Good news.
Lt. Col. Henry Blake: I'll take it.
Capt. Sam Pak: I had a long, reasonable talk with the farmer. Everything's cool.
Lt. Col. Henry Blake: Great.
Capt. Sam Pak: You got three days to get the hell outta here.
Lt. Col. Henry Blake: Sam, what's Korean for "suicide"?
Capt. Sam Pak: That's the Japanese. We don't do that shtick.
Lt. Col. Henry Blake: You wanna step in my office for another goody? Sam, this is Miss Choon Hi. The baby is Su Yong. Stand by for the fingering of the father.
Capt. Sam Pak: Aha.
Choon: Him not doctor.
Capt. Sam Pak: You betcha. I don't make house calls.
[cowboy accent]
Capt. Sam Pak: Wal, Sheriff, looks like you got troubles right here in Pregnant City!

Cpl. Walter 'Radar' O'Reilly: Yes sir.
Lt. Col. Henry Blake: Radar! Dammit Radar, how many times have I told you not to come in here before I call you?
Cpl. Walter 'Radar' O'Reilly: I don't like to be late, sir.
Lt. Col. Henry Blake: How can you be late if you come in here before I even know I want you?

Lt. Colonel Henry Blake: [watching old home movies] That's Milt Jaffe, the gynecologist from next door.
Captain: Oh, that's handy. Everyone should have a gynecologist next door.
Captain: I hate to ask what's on the other side.
Captain: [Milt's very attractive wife comes up on screen] Ohh!
Captain: Yeah! Hey, hey!
Lt. Colonel Henry Blake: Boy, that Sylvia Jaffe is loaded for bear.
[Henry and Sylvia ham it up on screen with fake kiss and are caught by Milt. Laughs, Imitates Silent Movie Music]

Lt. Col. Henry Blake: [still with numb tongue and lips from a dentist appointment] It'sh absholutely inexshcusable! You two guysh should be sentenced to life in front of a firing shquad!

Corporal: Okay, sir, uh, you sign this top form, then initial all the rest.
Lt. Colonel Henry Blake: Initial, Radar?
Corporal: Oh, yes, sir. Your initials signify that instead of signing, you initialed. Uh, then you have to sign this form, which states that you merely initialed the forms that required signing. Then after you've signed, you put your initial where you signed so that people will know that you okayed your signature with your initial.
Lt. Colonel Henry Blake: Radar, tell me the truth. Do you understand any of this?
Corporal: Uh, I try not to, sir. It slows up the work.

Lt. Col. Henry Blake: Radar. You're dismissed until your presence is re-required.
Cpl. Walter 'Radar' O'Reilly: Where should I go?
Lt. Col. Henry Blake: Try out.
Cpl. Walter 'Radar' O'Reilly: Out?
Lt. Col. Henry Blake: Out, Radar, as in "not in"?
Cpl. Walter 'Radar' O'Reilly: Oh, that out.

Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce: We can all be comforted by the thought that he's not really gone. There's a little Tuttle left in of us. In fact you might say that all of us together made up Tuttle.
Maj. Margaret 'Hot Lips' Houlihan: [sobbing] I'll never forget him!
Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce: Our grief will pass... it's already hard to remember exactly how Johnny looked... his little laugh... Thankfully, he's left behind a memorial. I've been informed by Radar that Captain Tuttle's G.I. insurance named Sister Theresa's orphanage as his sole beneficiary! How typical. We salute you, Captain Tuttle. Humanitarian and healer. Goodbye, Tuttle..in that great big waiting room in the sky!
[Salutes; everyone else salutes]
Lt. Col. Henry Braymore Blake: He was the best damn O. D. we ever had!

Lt. Colonel Henry Blake: Radar, I hate to bother you, but can you tell me where the key is to my liquor cabinet?
Corporal: [groggy] It's under the back porch.
Lt. Colonel Henry Blake: Radar, we don't have a back porch.
Corporal: Oh, I'm sorry sir. I'll order you one in the morning.

Lt. Col. Henry Blake: [arguing about General Steele's orders to move the camp closer to the front line] I can't just disobey orders! The guy's a 2 star general!
Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce: Yeah. but he's a 3-star looney!

Henry: Frank, here is your Purple Earring... Earring?

Lt. Colonel Henry Blake: Radar, these people took your dog home in a people bag.

Lt. Col. Henry Blake: What's the situation in here?
Maj. Margaret 'Hot Lips' Houlihan: Desperate, Colonel. No food, no ammunition.
Frank: Low on supplies, low on morale.
Hawkeye: But very high on panic.
Capt. 'Trapper John' McIntyre: Yeah, Frank's been a marvelous commandant.
Hawkeye: He's risen to a new low.

Radar: Colonel, do you know what I found in the morning's mail?
Henry: Now, that's a toughie. Hum a few bars, won't you, Radar?

Lt. Col. Henry Blake: I'm gonna call regimental headquarters for immediate help.
Capt. 'Trapper John' McIntyre: Henry, we did. We're on our own till tomorrow.
Maj. Margaret 'Hot Lips' Houlihan: We can't just wait! We've gotta do something!
Frank: Anything!
Hawkeye: I agree with Frank. I think we should do anything.

Cpl. Walter 'Radar' O'Reilly: You okay? You look beat, sir.
Lt. Col. Henry Blake: I feel like death on a soda cracker. How are we doing?
Cpl. Walter 'Radar' O'Reilly: Well, we're running out of gowns, towels and 3-0 silk. Only thing we got plenty of is wounded.
Lt. Col. Henry Blake: Scrounge, Radar, scrounge.

Trapper: Guess where we're going after surgery, Henry.
Henry: Oh? Without my permission?
Hawkeye: Don't we have it?
Henry: Of course you do. You think I'd let you leave without my permission?

Henry: The job will be a killer.
Frank: I can adjust.
Henry: I hope you can. I'm giving it to Pierce.
Hawkeye: Oh, thanks.
Frank: *What*? You can't! I won't stand for it!
Henry: Frank, the one thing that will get you nowhere with me is impersonating my wife.
Frank: Well, what about rank?
Hawkeye: Can I help it if I'm not as rank as you?
Frank: This is unheard of!
Henry: Face it, Pierce is the best cutter in the outfit. He's certified in chest and general surgery. Frank, in case you haven't read the papers, there's a war on. We're here to patch guys together. We can't be so GI we lose patients!
Frank: Are you implying that he's a better doctor?
Henry: Yes, when the heat's on!

Lt. Col. Henry Blake: [not wanting to deal with Major Houlihan] Radar, turn on the news. Maybe the war just ended and I won't have to talk to her.

Cpl. Walter 'Radar' O'Reilly: That says that I passes my final exam.
Lt. Col. Henry Blake: How do I know you passed your final exam?
Cpl. Walter 'Radar' O'Reilly: You must, sir, you signed it.

Margaret: Colonel, I want a transfer.
Hawkeye: No transfers are issued until the camp comes to a full stop.
Trapper: And watch your step getting off.
Margaret: And these two are at the top of my list!
Hawkeye: Hey, we finished first and second.
Margaret: They've totally destroyed my authority with the nursing staff; they have made a mockery of my majority!
Hawkeye: What do you know? We're major mockers.
Henry: Simmer down, Pierce. That's an order.
Margaret: [scoffs] An order? Why don't you stop masquerading as a commanding officer? You're nothing but a spineless, mealymouthed, fly-fishing impostor!
Trapper: He's not an impostor.
Hawkeye: Right. He's a *genuine* spineless, mealymouthed fly-fisher.

Lt. Col. Henry Blake: Pierce, don't start the threatening talk. I'm warning you!

Lt. Col. Henry Blake: [in anger, storming towards Trapper and Hawkeye, holding a headless Geisha doll previously on his desk] Who broke my doll?

Lt. Col. Henry Blake: Our supply line's been cut.
Maj. Frank Burns: Who did that?
Lt. Col. Henry Blake: ...The other side, Frank.
Capt. Benjamin Franklin 'Hawkeye' Pierce: We can't do everything ourselves.

Lt. Col. Henry Blake: What am I signing, Radar?
Cpl. Walter 'Radar' O'Reilly: Uh, well, it's concerning that thing you don't want to know anything about, sir. You know the reason why you're not here today.
Lt. Col. Henry Blake: Do you want me to sign this pass?
Cpl. Walter 'Radar' O'Reilly: Yes, sir.
Lt. Col. Henry Blake: Is someone going somewhere?
Cpl. Walter 'Radar' O'Reilly: No, sir.
Lt. Col. Henry Blake: Then why does someone who's not going anywhere need a pass?
Cpl. Walter 'Radar' O'Reilly: Well, if I explain it to you then you'll know.
Lt. Col. Henry Blake: Yeah.
[Signs pass]

Corporal Maxwell Q. Klinger: Halt!
Henry: Klinger!
Corporal Maxwell Q. Klinger: Who goes there?
Gen. Wilson Spaulding Barker: The man's naked!
Hawkeye: Aw, come on, Klinger, put on a dress or something.
Army Capt. 'Trapper John' McIntyre: At least a slip!

Margaret: Major Burns is being abused!
Henry: Cut that out, Frank.

Lt. Col. Henry Blake: Get the window, Klinger.
Trapper: Don't stand in the light.
Hawkeye: You little heartbreaker.

Maj. Gen. Bartford Hamilton Steele: [referring to an earlier remark Blake had made about his mother's canary] Canary had bronchitis, eh?
Lt. Col. Henry Blake: He didn't die of it, though; he fell off his little swing and smashed his bill.
Maj. Gen. Bartford Hamilton Steele: Good. I hate birds.

Lt. Colonel Henry Blake: General Mitchell, it is both an honor and a privilege and a pleasure to welcome you to that which only through your magnanimous generosity are we able to be standing in the middle of it.

Colonel: It's not a Russian bomb, Chinese, Polish, Czech, doesn't even belong to the United States Army.
Lt. Col. Henry Blake: Then what do we do?
Colonel: Try calling the Navy.
Lt. Col. Henry Blake: Well, why would the Navy drop a bomb on us?
Colonel: Because we're beating 'em 14 to nothing.

Henry: Do we have enough sherry and ginger-ale for the General?
Radar: Oh, nobody does, sir.
Henry: Oh, fine then, if nobody does we don't have to, but make sure we do, just in case we don't.

Lt. Col. Henry Blake: Now I hate to do this, but I've made a decision.
Hawkeye: Another first.

[after Klinger tries once again to get out of the Army]
Henry: Klinger, aren't you ashamed of yourself?
Klinger: Yes, sir. I don't deserve to be in the Army.

Cpl. Walter 'Radar' O'Reilly: Yes sir?
Lt. Col. Henry Blake: Radar! Radar, don't do that.
Cpl. Walter 'Radar' O'Reilly: Yes sir. You wanted to see me, sir?
Lt. Col. Henry Blake: Yes, but let me say I want to see you before I see you.

Cpl./Sgt. Maxwell Q. Klinger: My girl Laverne, she said yes! She agreed to marry me!
Lt. Col. Henry Blake: Klinger, has she ever seen you?
Cpl./Sgt. Maxwell Q. Klinger: We've been dating since high school. Of course she's seen me.
Lt. Col. Henry Blake: I mean recently.

Radio: And kickoff is away!
[Bomb explodes outside]
Lt. Col. Henry Blake: Wow, that was close!
Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce: That guy can really kick a ball!

Colonel: What's your clearance?
Henry: Oh, I go through the door with about an inch to spare.
Colonel: I mean security wise.

Lt. Col. Henry Blake: We need more silk, Radar.
Cpl. Walter 'Radar' O'Reilly: We're all out, sir.
Lt. Col. Henry Blake: All right. In my tent, under my bed, next to the milk bottle there's a package of sewing thread. Lorraine sent it to me. Go.
Cpl. Walter 'Radar' O'Reilly: Yes, sir.
Maj. Margaret 'Hot Lips' Houlihan: Colonel, ordinary thread for stitches?
Lt. Col. Henry Blake: It's either that or use the stapler in my office, Major.

Lt. Col. Henry Blake: Radar, whatever it is, sign it, cancel it, or order five more.

Lt. Col. Henry Blake: Sex happens to be one of the most important things in life, inasmuch as each one of us is one or the other gender of it once we're born, which is the direct result of the act of it.

Maj. Margaret 'Hot Lips' Houlihan: Colonel Blake. Major Burns is here to volunteer for this extremely dangerous and patriotic mission.
Lt. Col. Henry Blake: Is that right, Frank?
Maj. Frank Burns: You heard me.

Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce: [after General Steele dances out of a court marshal hearing singing a song] I take it we don't have to leave.
Lt. Col. Henry Blake: Only the general does.
Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce: Yeah, in a rubber truck.

Klinger: Sir, I have to confess: I'm a Communist. An atheistic, Marxist, card-carrying...
Henry: Bolshevik.
Klinger: No, honest.

Lt. Colonel Henry Blake: I was never very good with my hands.
Corporal: I guess that's why you became a surgeon, huh sir?

Lt. Col. Henry Blake: [Backed into a wall of his tent by a cow] Sit, lady. Stay. RADAR!
Cpl. Walter "Radar" O'Reilly: [Off] Sir, there's a Korean family out here!
Lt. Col. Henry Blake: Well their dog's in here!
Cpl. Walter "Radar" O'Reilly: [Looking through door] Holy cow!
Lt. Col. Henry Blake: Never mind his religion, Radar! Just get him out of here.

Henry: This will be a real test of my leadershipmanship.

Lt. Colonel Henry Blake: Colonel Andropolis has the thing flown in all the way from Greece, and now the damned lamb has flown the coop!
Captain: Now that's a pretty neat trick.
Lt. Colonel Henry Blake: U.N. Command in Seoul's called. Boy! Am I in Dutch with the Greeks.
Captain: Heh, heh, heh, heh.
Captain: The man's a fountain of straight lines.
Lt. Colonel Henry Blake: Go ahead and joke. I'm in trouble up to my whatsis. One more chewing out and my belly button will cave in.
Corporal: Uh, Sir?
Lt. Colonel Henry Blake: Not now, Radar!
Corporal: Uh, it's about the lamb, Colonel.
Lt. Colonel Henry Blake: Where is it?
Corporal: Well, uh. I don't want you to get in trouble, Sir. But, uh, it's been set free.
Lt. Colonel Henry Blake: Well what horse's pa-toot did that?
Corporal: Um.
[pause]
Corporal: You did, Sir. You gave him a medical discharge this afternoon.
Captain: [reading form] Private Charles Lamb.
Lt. Colonel Henry Blake: Radar! You tricked me!
Corporal: Well, I didn't wanna see him killed, Sir. I'd rather be barbecued myself with an apple shoved up my face!
Lt. Colonel Henry Blake: I gave a discharge to a sheep!
Corporal: He's on his way to Tokyo now.
Captain: On Bo Peep Airlines.
Corporal: A buddy of mine will reroute him to Iowa to my folks. I already radioed them. They're expecting him.
Captain: He can sleep in your room.
Captain: Your pants will just fit him.
Lt. Colonel Henry Blake: I think I'm losing my mind.
Captain: Don't fight it, Henry.
Lt. Colonel Henry Blake: I've got Command on my tail! And a hospital full of Greeks waiting on a lamb that's on a plane on his way to Iowa to become Radar's little brother!

Lt. Col. Henry Blake: Frank, why don't you call the Civilian Affairs officer?
Maj. Frank Burns: Me, sir?
Lt. Col. Henry Blake: Yeah, I talked with him. The man makes no sense, and you're very good at that.
Maj. Frank Burns: Yes, sir! Thank you, sir!

Lt. Col. Henry Blake: Everyone comfortable?
Hawkeye: Not for a year now.

Henry: Hey, haven't you got a relative who's a general?
Charlie: You know how it is. We all look alike.

Henry: Back home, my biggest decisions are whether or not to have my own bowling ball made... and do I get the cat fixed. Sending people to the front's just not my speed.

Col. Samuel Flagg: Colonel, I want to talk to you in private, without the corporal.
Lt. Col. Henry Blake: Oh, you can say anything you want in front of him.
Col. Samuel Flagg: Okay, I will. Get out.

Henry: Frank, it's after six. You can stop being snotty.

Major: So whatever Major Houlihan says is what I feel. Anything I could add would be of little consequence.
Lt. Colonel Henry Blake: I won't argue with you there, Frank.

Maj. Frank Marion 'Ferret Face' Burns: [as the company assembles to see Henry off] Does the Colonel wish to review his troops?
Henry: No, I just want to say goodbye.

Maj. Frank Burns: Well, yes, Colonel, I've, um, put in for the Purple Heart.
Henry: But according to your accident report, you tripped in the mud on the way to the shower.
Maj. Frank Burns: Yes.
Henry: Is that the way you want it announced at the award ceremony? Tripped in the mud on the way to the shower?
Maj. Frank Burns: Well, well, I, I...
Maj. Margaret "Hot Lips" Houlihan: Sir, this injury was sustained at a front-line unit. Technically that makes it battle-connected.
Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce: [entering] On that basis, we'll be handing out medals for social diseases.
Maj. Frank Burns: What are you doing here, Pierce?
Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce: Well, I have a stethoscope fetish. This is the only place I can wear one without attracting attention. Henry, you're not going to endorse this idiot's application, are you?
Maj. Margaret "Hot Lips" Houlihan: That's Major to you, Captain!
Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce: Henry, you're not going to endorse this major idiot's application, are you?
Henry: Pierce, that's a decision I'll decide when I decide and make my, uh, uh, decision, and that will, uh, decide.

Lt. Col. Henry Blake: Radar, I'll need a driver and a corpsman.
Cpl. Walter 'Radar' O'Reilly: Volunteers, sir?
Lt. Col. Henry Blake: Thank you, Radar. I knew I could count on you.
Cpl. Walter 'Radar' O'Reilly: [Moments later] Uh, sir?
Lt. Col. Henry Blake: Yo.
Cpl. Walter 'Radar' O'Reilly: Uh, excuse me, but I think you volunteered me a little quick there.

Gen. Wilson Spaulding Barker: This place is a madhouse, Henry! A nut farm!
Henry: Gee whiz, that's a bit strong, sir.
Gen. Wilson Spaulding Barker: Do you realize you've a man on guard duty who's wearing a skirt?
Henry: Luckily he's got the legs for it.

Radar: Sir?
Hawkeye,65420: Yes?
Radar: Colonel sir?

Henry: [Reluctantly handing Margaret the transfer order she requested] In case you have have any second thoughts, we'll keep mum about this.
[Turns to Trapper and Hawkeye]
Henry: Right, group?
Hawkeye,61836: Right.
Henry: Whatever was, of course, has been. But, we *are* family, Margaret.
Radar: [Speaking over PA system] Attention. All personnel. Effective immediately, Major. Margaret Houlihan is leaving the 4077th. There will be wine with dinner with ice cream and chocolate sauce.
Hawkeye: Well, there are families and there are families.

Henry: Don't move, Korea! This is a stick-up!

Margaret: [very drunk] Oh. Corporal. I wonder if I can see Colonel Blake?
[She looks around, confused, then jogs away]
Cpl. Walter "Radar" O'Reilly: I wonder if you can, too.
[Margaret drunkenly jogs up to Hawkeye, Trapper, and Henry Blake, stopping directly in front of Henry]
Margaret: [saluting] Major Margon Houlihat reporting for duty, sir.
Henry: Aw boy, drunk as a skunk.
Trapper: She's tanked.
Hawkeye: A fine time to make a drinking debut.
Margaret: Where are the casualties, sir?
Henry: Now, just hold your horses. They're not even here yet.
Margaret: Well, then, let's go get 'em, sir. I'll drive!
[Hawkeye and Trapper laugh]
Henry: Major? Major, dear, you're drunk.
Margaret: Oh, I'm not so think as you drunk I am!
[Hawkeye and Trapper laugh some more]
Henry: Uh, you'd better go to your tent, Major.
Margaret: I can't operate in my tent!
Trapper: [still laughing] You're doing okay so far!
Margaret: Aah, go salute yourself!

[an angry soldier is firing a weapon in the compound]
Henry: Radar, what's going on?
Radar: It's a patient, sir. He blew his cork.
Hawkeye: Sidney, front and center.
Dr. Sidney Freedman: I'm not going out there without a bulletproof couch.

Lt. Col. Henry Blake: [about the bride] Do you suppose she'll take off her glasses?

Lt. Col. Henry Blake: [as Radar takes off multiple layers of clothing] There IS a you under there, isn't there?
[as Radar continues peeling layers]
Lt. Col. Henry Blake: Did somebody naked scare you once, Radar?
Cpl. Walter 'Radar' O'Reilly: Uh, my folks never took off their clothes, sir - they said that the skin was the Devil's slipcover.

Trapper: [In Frank's wedding video, Frank is about to cut the cake] Look, even then he didn't know how to hold a knife.
[Laughs]
Hawkeye: [Laughs] Watch the cake die of malpractice.
Lt. Col. Henry Blake: Why do I feel sorry for Frank?

Lt. Col. Henry Blake: General Clayton, Henry Blake. Everything's fine, sir. Well, not actually fine. Actually, terrible rather than fine. But everything was really fine before it got terrible.

Lt. Col. Henry Blake: Corporal Klinger, this is Major Freedman, divisional psychiatrist.
Cpl./Sgt. Maxwell Q. Klinger: Major sir!
[curtsies wearing a frilly pink dress]
Dr. Sidney Freedman: You got me up here to ask me about him? About that?
Lt. Col. Henry Blake: Yeah well, you see, it really wasn't my idea.
Dr. Sidney Freedman: All the way from Seoul to ask me what? Whether he needs a girdle under that? Whether his seams are straight?... OK, OK. It's all part of the war, I guess.
[picks up a clipboard and looks at Klinger]
Dr. Sidney Freedman: I have a few questions to ask you. Sit down, soldier.
Cpl./Sgt. Maxwell Q. Klinger: Yes sir!
[runs over to the chair. Freedman takes his time filling out the first part of his report]
Dr. Sidney Freedman: Now, what's your name, honey?

Major: Charge three says that you have a noncom who is a transvestite.
Lt. Col. Henry Blake: Well, I don't pry into a man's religion, sir.

Lt. Col. Henry Braymore Blake: I'm gonna be frank with you, Pierce.
Hawkeye: You're gonna be Frank with me?
Lt. Col. Henry Braymore Blake: [Annoyed] I mean blunt.
Hawkeye: Oh, that's good. Otherwise, Frank would try to be Henry with me. I don't think I could stand that.

Henry: Jeep crash. Tent... boom... crash... kill.

Lt. Colonel Henry Blake: [serving a subsitute for the lamb] What is this?
Captain: It's a Spam lamb!

Corporal: And you also signed an emergency leave for one of the men.
Lt. Colonel Henry Blake: Which one of the men?
Corporal: Uh, Private Charles Lamb.
Lt. Colonel Henry Blake: I don't remember any Charles Lamb.
Corporal: Oh yes, you know him, sir, short curly-haired guy.
Lt. Colonel Henry Blake: Short curly-haired...
Corporal: Yes, he had to take an emergency leave.
Lt. Colonel Henry Blake: Death in the family?
Corporal: Almost.

Henry: Holy cow! Insubordination, conduct unbecoming officers, violations of articles 13 through 27, with a repeat on 26.
Hawkeye: Oh, that must be "altering salute by placing thumb on nose".

Lt. Col. Henry Blake: This is my company clerk, Corporal O'Reilly.
Maj. Gen. Bartford Hamilton Steele: The Irish were rotten Indian fighters! Noncoms, the backbone of the service. Where are you from, son?
Radar: Iowa, sir.
Maj. Gen. Bartford Hamilton Steele: No talking in ranks!

Frank: [bombs heard in background] I hope we're giving it to 'em good, those little yellow reds.
Hawkeye: Frank, you better take two yellow reds and go to sleep.
Frank: Oh, you like getting shot at, Dr. Goody Two-Shoes?
Hawkeye: I just don't know why they're shooting at us. All we want to do is bring them democracy and white bread, transplant the American Dream: freedom, achievement, hyperacidity, affluence, flatulence, technology, tension, the inalienable right to an early coronary sitting at your desk while plotting to stab your boss in the back. That's entertainment!
Frank: Pierce, you are certifiably insane.
Hawkeye: Gee, I can't understand why. Here I am, 20,000 miles from home working as an extra in a war movie with this guy's blood dripping into my boot. Nurse, you want to do something about that, or must I kiss you into submission?
Lt. Ginger Bayliss: Right away, doctor.
Hawkeye: That's not insane-making, Frank. Neither is bedding down every night with a flea circus, or eating food prepared by a cook who used to make box lunches for Kamikaze pilots, or getting so bored out my skull, I put on my dress uniform for a trip to the latrine!
Frank: Will you watch your language?
Margaret: There are nurses present.
Hawkeye: Oh, forgive me. I'd like to offer the nurses a blanket apology. Or even better, I'd like to offer them a blanket invitation.
Frank: Smut merchant.
Henry: Oh, pipe down, Burns.
Frank: Oh sure, always. You jump all over me, but he can say what he wants, and he gets away with it. Colonel's pet, that's what you are!
Hawkeye: I'll get you at recess!

Lt. Col. Henry Blake: First question: What is a three-sided object with two equal sides?
Cpl. Walter 'Radar' O'Reilly: [Writing] The Gettysburg Address...
Lt. Col. Henry Blake: For which speech is Abraham Lincoln most remembered?
Cpl. Walter 'Radar' O'Reilly: [Writing] The isosceles triangle...
[Henry glowers at Radar]
Cpl. Walter 'Radar' O'Reilly: Something wrong?
Lt. Col. Henry Blake: No no, no. Your answers are right. You just memorized them in the wrong order!

Lt. Col. Henry Braymore Blake: General Kelly, I'd like you to meet our very fine head nurse, Major Houlihan and uh Major Burns, one of our finest surgeons, a real killer.
Lt. Gen. Robert 'Iron Guts' Kelly: Major.
Maj. Margaret "Hot Lips" Houlihan: General.
Maj. Frank Burns: General.
Lt. Gen. Robert 'Iron Guts' Kelly: Major.
Lt. Col. Henry Braymore Blake: And the General's aide, Colonel Wortman.
Colonel: Major.
Maj. Margaret "Hot Lips" Houlihan: Colonel.
Maj. Frank Burns: Colonel.
Colonel: Major.
Lt. Gen. Robert 'Iron Guts' Kelly: Colonel.
Lt. Col. Henry Braymore Blake: General?
Lt. Gen. Robert 'Iron Guts' Kelly: No, no, my Colonel.
Lt. Col. Henry Braymore Blake: Oh, I'm sorry, General. I got it all brass backwards.

Henry: [to Frank] Charlie is like one of our own. I mean, how would we know it's five o'clock if he didn't come over and try to blast that ammo dump?

Maj. Margaret "Hot Lips" Houlihan: You're drunk!
Henry: Oh, that's a dirty lie! And I intend to press charges. The minute I'm sober.

Henry: [in a chopper] Shouldn't I have a parachute?
John: It'll only break your fall.
Henry: That's not funny.
John: Neither was you not letting me go home!

Henry: Now, that's delicious! What is that?
Capt. Benjamin Franklin Hawkeye Pierce: Sea snails.
Henry: Sea snails.
Captain: By the snee-shore.