Top 20 Quotes From The Love Boat

Ship's: [dressed as Valentino for a masquerade party] Valentino lives.
Bartender: Not in that body.
Ship's: You are looking at the world's greatest lover.
Bartender: [dressed as a white rabbit] You don't know nothing about us rabbits.

Cruise: The one way to get somebody to do something they don't wanna do is to convince them that what they don't wanna do is really something they wanna do.

April: Julie, Honest Tex is very honest, or else people would not call him "Honest Tex". If he wasn't honest, people would call him "Dishonest Tex"!

Ms. O' Roarke: [Writing in her notebook] I wonder if this is how Harold Robbins got started.

Ronald: [to the ship's crew about Ginny] Don't let her stay on the boat! She's got bugs!

Captain: Doctor, in my presence, don't ever call this ship a Love Boat.

Janet: You have become so rude and unkind. You treat your *dog* better than me.
Brian: Well at least she listens and does what she's told.

Captain: What happened to the little girl with the big appetite?
Jennifer: Simple! One day I decided I'd rather have dates than ding dongs.
Ship's: Now she has both. Most of her dates ARE ding dongs.

Leonard: Well, I used to work for the government. Of course I suppose the secretary would disavow any knowledge of my actions.

Ms. O' Roarke: [Scrawling scandalous details in her notebook] This article will make Hugh Hefner blush!

Bartender: [Isaac is trying to write a book] Hey, Doc. I finally figured something to write about. It hit me last night. Now, what do I know better than anything?
Doctor: Oakland, on five dollars a day?
Bartender: No, the things that happen on a cruise ship.
Doctor: Hey, not bad. Not bad at all. That could even be a television series.

Dale: Isn't it a crime these days what they're doing to the sexes?
Captain: Very sad. If things keep going on like this could we all end up just one big sex.

Ronald: [as a guest, Ronald has to go ashore] The boat will be leaving in a minute.
Ginny: It only takes a minute to say, "I do."
Ronald: And it only takes a second to say, "I don't."

[as Aubrey and Stacy Skogstad board the ship, Julie and Gopher come out to greet them]
Cruise: Good morning!
[Gopher reaches out to help them, but Stacy refuses]
Stacy: I can walk, Dumbo.

Cindy: Did you say you were looking for a secretary?
Howard: [Ogling her] No... Oh yes... Actually, I already have a secretary.
Cindy: [Flirtatious] Oh. Well, if you ever are looking for a secretary, I'm your girl.
Howard: On the other hand... One can never tell when one might need a new secretary. How fast can you type?
Cindy: Eighteen words a minute.
Howard: Oh, really? Eighteen... Would that be on an electric typewriter?
Cindy: No, I think it's gas.

Yvonne: [after "accidentally" dumping a glass of red wine on Gopher's white uniform coat] Oh, Gopher, je suis desolée!
Ship's: [trying to dry himself off] Je suis Beaujolais!

Ship's: Remind me to make an appointment with the barber.
Cruise: Make an appointment with the barber.
Ship's: Thank you, I almost forgot to make an appointment with the barber.

Ship's: Is it my imagination or is Captain Stubing in a rotten mood?
Cruise: He's in a rotten mood, but I think I know the reason.
[they both look at Julie's clipboard]
Ship's: Aubrey and Mrs. Skogstad?
Cruise: Yes, he's one of the directors of the ship's lines. They're sailing with us today.

Ship's: Where've you been?
Bartender: Looking for you.
Ship's: Great spies we are. We can't even find each other.

Ginny: [to Ronald] Do you know what your problem is? You're immature and irresponsible.
Ronald: [laughs] Immature and irresponsible? Me, who his own exterminating company, and I am listed in the Yellow Pages!
Ginny: Goodbye, Ronald.
Ronald: But I don't understand.
Ginny: Then let me put it in words you will understand: BUG OFF!
[grabs him and throws him out of her cabin]