Top 50 Quotes From Sherlock, Season 3, Episode 2

Dr. John Watson: I wanted you not to be dead!
Sherlock: Yeah, well, be careful what you wish for.

Dr. John Watson: You'd have to be an idiot not to see it. You love it.
Sherlock: Love what?
Dr. John Watson: Being Sherlock Holmes.
Sherlock: I don't even know what that's supposed to mean.

- There are going to be others.
- Others?
- Victims. Women.
- Most ghosts tend to haunt a single house.
- This ghost, however, is willing to commute. Look.

- Oh, it's nice.
- Nice place.
- See anything?
- Hmm?
- Any clues, mr Holmes?
- Oh, er...

Mycroft: I'm not lonely, Sherlock.
Sherlock: How would you know?

- I'm afraid I'm not at Liberty to say.
- You're not at Liberty to say?
- He's a soldier in my regiment.
- I'll be damned if he's going to get up to cloak-and-dagger nonsense like this.
- Sir.
- Sir.
- What's going on?
- It's bainbridge, sir. He's dead.

Mycroft: [analyzing a hat] This is a Chullo. The classic headgear of the Andes, it's made of Alpaca.
Sherlock: Nope.
Mycroft: No?
Sherlock: Icelandic sheep wool. Similar but very distinctive, if you know what you're looking for. I've written a blog on the varying tensile strengths of different natural fibers.
Mrs. Hudson: I'm sure there's a crying need for that.

Molly: We met through friends, old-fashioned way. He's nice, we... He's got a dog, we... We go to the pub on weekends and, he, I've met his mum and dad and his friends and all his family. I've no idea why I'm telling you any of this.
Sherlock: I hope you'll be very happy, Molly Hooper. You deserve it.
[pause]
Sherlock: After all, not all the men you fall for can turn out to be sociopaths.
Molly: No?
Sherlock: No.
[kisses Molly on the check and walks away]
Molly: [to herself] Maybe it's just my type.

- John says he's the most unsociable man he's ever met.
- He is? He's the most unsociable?
- Mmm.
- Ah, that's why he's bouncing around him like a puppy.
- Oh, Sherlock.
- Neither of us were the first, you know.
- Stop smiling.
- It's my wedding day.

Sherlock: Well, the short version... not dead.

Anderson: [after Laura details a conspiracy plot involving Holmes and Moriarty being in love] *What*? Are you out of your mind?
Laura: I don't see why not. It's just as plausible as some of your theories.
Anderson: Look, if you're not going to take it seriously, Laura, you can...
Laura: I do take it seriously. I don't think we should wear hats.
Anderson: I founded the Empty Hearse so like-minded people could meet, discuss theories... Sherlock's still out there. I'm convinced of it.
[the television suddenly breaks the news of Sherlock's reappearance]
Laura: Oh, my God. Oh... my... God!

Howard: [to Sherlock] The train never stops and a man vanishes. Good, innit?

- This is a famous detective.
- It's Sherlock Holmes and his partner, John Hamish Watson.
- What do you think you're doing?
- Don't compromise the integrity of the...
- Crime scene.
- Yeah, that.

- No good?
- They always know we're coming.
- -[Siren wailing]
- How do they always know?
- They're good, they work at it.
- They're never going to stop.
- Well, neither are we.
- Greg.
- In the act!
- The only way we're going to do this, in the act!

Mary: Oh, no, you're...
Sherlock: Oh, yes.
Mary: Oh, my god.
Sherlock: Not quite.

[discussing John's mustache]
Mrs. Hudson: ages you.
Dr. John Watson: Just trying it out.
Mrs. Hudson: Well, it ages you.

Sherlock: Fancy some chips?
Molly: What?
Sherlock: I know a fantastic fish shop just off the Marylebone Road, the owner always gives me extra portions.
Molly: Did you get him off a murder charge?
Sherlock: No, I helped him put up some shelves.

- no more than three planned social encounters a year and always in John's presence.
- I have your contact details.
- I will be monitoring.
- They're right about you.
- You're a bloody psychopath.
- High-functioning sociopath.
- With your number.

Mr. Harcourt: Well, absolutely no one should have been able to empty that bank account other than myself and Helen.
Sherlock: Why didn't you assume it was your wife?
Mr. Harcourt: Because I've always had total faith in her.
Sherlock: No, it's because you emptied it.
[points at him]
Sherlock: Weight loss, hair dye, Botox, affair.
[whips out a business card, he holds it out to Mrs Harcourt]
Sherlock: Lawyer. Next!

Sherlock: I calculated that there were thirteen possibilities once I'd invited Moriarty onto the roof. I wanted to avoid dying, if at all possible. The first scenario involved hurling myself into a parked hospital van filled with washing bags. Impossible, the angle was too steep. Secondly, a system of Japanese wrestling...
Dr. John Watson: You know, for a genius, you can be remarkably thick.
Sherlock: What?
Dr. John Watson: I don't care *how* you faked it, Sherlock. I want to know *why*.

[after examining a skeleton and finding a book titled How I Did It by Jack the Ripper]
Molly: That's impossible.
Sherlock: Welcome to my world.

Mycroft: [loses game] Oh, bugger!
Sherlock: Oopsy. Can't handle a broken heart. How *very* telling.
Mycroft: Don't be smart.
Sherlock: That takes me back.
[mocking Mycroft]
Sherlock: "Don't be smart, Sherlock, I'm the smart one."
Mycroft: I *am* the smart one.
Sherlock: I used to think I was an idiot.
Mycroft: Both of us thought you were an idiot, Sherlock. We had nothing else to go on, till we met other children.
Sherlock: Oh, yes, that was a mistake.
Mycroft: Ghastly. What were they thinking of?
Sherlock: Probably something about trying to make friends.
Mycroft: Oh, yes. *Friends*.

- I'm just going to whip this out.
- Mmm-hmm.
- You all right?
- Hmm?
- -Yeah, he's clueing. -what?
- He's... hmm?
- He's clueing for looks.

Sherlock: I think... I'll surprise John. He'll be delighted.
Mycroft: You think so?
Sherlock: Hmm, pop into Baker Street, who knows, jump out of a cake.
Mycroft: Baker Street? He isn't there anymore.
[Sherlock turns to face Mycroft with a puzzled look]
Mycroft: Why would he be? It's been two years. He's got on with his life.
Sherlock: What life? I've been away.

- John: [Mumbling]
- Yeah, I'll be there if you want...
- John, wake up.
- Meant to... [Snaps fingers]
- You... the game is something...
- -Oh.
- Yeah, that, that.
- Woman: Okay.

Mycroft: We have solid information, an attack is coming.
Sherlock: Solid information, a secret terrorist organization is planning an attack. That's what secret terrorist organizations do, isn't it? It's their version of golf.
Mycroft: An agent gave his life to tell us that.
Sherlock: Oh, well, perhaps he shouldn't have done. He was obviously just trying to show off.

- -This is hard. -what?
- Really hard.
- Hardest thing I've ever had to do.
- Do you know any funny stories aboutjohn?
- What?
- I need anecdotes.
- Didn't go to any trouble, did you?

Anderson: I believe in Sherlock Holmes.
DI: Yeah, well, that won't bring him back.

Dr. John Watson: I'm definitely going to kill you.
Sherlock: Oh, please. Killing me, that's so two years ago.

- Or you. Not you. Not you.
- Not you. Not you.
- Not you. Not you.
- Hi.
- Gail.
- Charlotte.
- Robyn.
- Vicky.

- Right turn!
- We're here to see private Steven bainbridge.
- He's on duty right now, sir.
- I'll certainly let him know when he's free.
- And when will that be?
- Another hour.

Mycroft: If you seem slow to me, Sherlock, can you imagine what real people are like? I'm living in a world of goldfish.
Sherlock: Yes, but I've been away for two years.
Mycroft: So?
Sherlock: Oh, I don't know. I thought, perhaps, you might have found yourself a... goldfish.

[as he is stealing a woman's makeup pen from her purse]
Sherlock: Madam, can I suggest you look at this menu? It's, uh, completely identical.

Dr. John Watson: Well, uh, surprise me.
Sherlock: I'm certainly endeavoring to, sir.

- My coat in there?
- Yes.
- Just going to take him out for a bit.
- Run him.
- I know.
- You said you'd find him a case.
- Coming, Sherlock?
- Coming.
- Taxi!

Torturer: [speaking in Serbian] You broke in here for a reason. Just tell us why and you can sleep. Remember sleep? Huh?... What?
[the captive whispers in his ear]
Mycroft: [In disguise] Well? What did he say?
Torturer: He said that I used to work in the Navy, where I had an unhappy love affair.
Mycroft: What?
Torturer: That the electricity isn't working in my bathroom... and that my wife is sleeping with our next door neighbor. The coffin maker... and... if I go home now, I'll catch them at it. I knew it! I knew there was something going on!
[Runs out of the interrogation room]

- Could be any second.
- You have control of the room.
- Ah, yes, raising glasses and standing up.
- Very good, thank you.
- Don't lose it.
- And down again.

Dr. John Watson: [furious] Two years... Two years! Hmm... I thought. Mm... I thought... you were dead. Hmm?... Now, you let me grieve. Hmm?... How could you do that?... How?
Sherlock: Wait, before you do anything that you might regret, um, one question, just let me ask one question...
[laughing at John's moustache]
Sherlock: Are you really gonna keep that?

Dr. John Watson: Well, I've got some news.
Mrs. Hudson: Oh, God, is it serious?
Dr. John Watson: What? No, no I'm not ill. I've, uh, well I'm... moving on.
Mrs. Hudson: You're emigrating?
Dr. John Watson: Nope. Uh, no, I've, uh... I have met someone.
Mrs. Hudson: Oh! Ah, lovely.
Dr. John Watson: Yeah. We're getting married. Well, I'm going to ask, anyway.
Mrs. Hudson: So soon after Sherlock?
Dr. John Watson: Hmm, well, yes.
Mrs. Hudson: What's his name?
Dr. John Watson: [sighs] It's a woman.
Mrs. Hudson: A woman?
Dr. John Watson: Yes, of course it's a woman.
Mrs. Hudson: [laughs quietly] You really have moved on, haven't you?
Dr. John Watson: Mrs. Hudson, how many times?... Sherlock was not my boyfriend.
Mrs. Hudson: Live and let live, that's my motto.
Dr. John Watson: Listen to me. *I am not gay*!

Mary: God, I had six months of bristly kisses for me and then His Nibbs turns up.
Dr. John Watson: I don't shave for Sherlock Holmes.
Mary: [sighs] Oh, you should put that on a T-shirt.

[having stopped John from calling the police]
Sherlock: They'll get in the way, they always do. This is cleaner, more efficient.
[pulls out a pry-bar and opens a locked gate]
Dr. John Watson: And illegal.
Sherlock: A bit.

- Captain John Watson, fifth northumberland fusiliers...
- Retired.
- You could be a used car salesman now, for alll know.
- -[Shower running]
- Bainbridge?
- Gentleman here to see you.
- Bainbridge!

- A bigger adventure.
- Ladies and gentlemen, pray charge your glasses and be upstanding.
- Today begin the adventures of Mary Elizabeth Watson and John Hamish Watson.
- The two reasons why every single one of us is...

- she has completely turned my life around.
- Changed everything.
- But for the record, over the last few years, there are two people who have done that and...
- The other one is...
- A complete dickhead.

Sherlock: Moran didn't disappear. The entire Tube compartment did. The driver must have diverted the train and then detached the last carriage.
Dr. John Watson: Detached it where? You said there was nothing between those stations.
Sherlock: Not on the maps, but once you eliminate all the other factors, the only thing remaining must be the truth. That carriage vanished, so it must be somewhere.

Sherlock: London. It's like a great cesspool into which all kinds of criminals, agents and drifters are irresistibly drained. Sometimes it's not a question of who, it's a question of who knows. If this man cancels his papers, I need to know.
[pause]
Sherlock: If this woman leaves London without putting her dog into kennels, I need to know. Now, certain people, they are markers. If they start to move, I'll know something's up. Like rats deserting a sinking ship.

Mrs. Hudson: Sherlock?
Sherlock: Mm?
Mrs. Hudson: Talk to John.
Sherlock: I tried talking to him. He made his position quite clear.
Dr. John Watson: [John is in his office examining a patient with an undescended testicle. He lifts a middle finger] Just relax, Mr Summerson.
Mrs. Hudson: What did he say?
Sherlock: F...
Dr. John Watson: [feeling his patient's testicles] Cough.
Mrs. Hudson: Oh, dear.

- I want you to calculate
- John's ideal intake and mine to remain in the sweet spot the whole evening.
- Lightheaded good.
- Urinating in wardrobes bad.
- Hmm.
- Two, er, beers, please.
- -Pints?
- 443.7 millilitres.

Dr. John Watson: One word, Sherlock, that is *all* I would have needed! One word to let me know that you were alive!
Sherlock: I've nearly been in contact so many times, but... I worried that, you know, you might say something indiscreet.
Dr. John Watson: What?
Sherlock: Oh, you know, let the cat out of the bag.
Dr. John Watson: Oh, so this is *my* fault?
Mary: [Mary starts laughing] Oh, God.
Dr. John Watson: Why am I the only one who thinks that this is wrong? The only one reacting like a human being.
Sherlock: Overreacting.
Dr. John Watson: [Yelling] Overreacting!
Mary: John!
Dr. John Watson: Overreacting! So you fake your own death and you waltz in here, large as bloody life, but I'm not supposed to have a problem with that, no, because Sherlock Holmes thinks it's a perfectly okay thing to do!
Sherlock: Shut up, John! I don't want everyone knowing I'm still alive!
Dr. John Watson: Oh, so it's still a secret, is it?
Sherlock: Yes, it's still a secret.
[looks around the crowded shop they are in]
Sherlock: Promise you won't tell anyone.
Dr. John Watson: Swear to God!

- So, in fact...
- You-you mean...
- Yes.
- I'm your... best...
- Man.
- Friend?
- Yeah, of course you are.
- Course you're my best friend.