50 Best Peep Show Quotes

Zahra: Maybe we should just accept defeat, resign ourselves to a bit of Jools Holland?
Jeremy: No, not the Hootenanny. Never the Hootenanny. We're better than that. We are going to this party!

Dan: Have these sprouts been done properly?
Jeremy: Yes.
Dan: I can't see any little crosses in their bottoms.
Jeremy: Well, they're definitely there.
Mark: Yep.
[voiceover]
Mark: Definitely not! Truth and reconciliation commission after all this. Full enquiry. Savile, not Hutton.

Mark: Nothing from Dobby since Christmas. I want to call again, but when I leave long messages, I have this nagging sense that I'll end up hearing them being played back to me in a court of law.

Sarah: Merry Christmas, Mark, I'm shattered, can I have a glass of champagne?
Mark: Of course, Cava's just through there.
Sarah: Cava? Ugh.
Mark: [voiceover] Great. Five seconds before the first disappointment. Got that in early.

Jeremy: Come on, man, shake your booty! Tonight even Paxman's out, hoovering up lines of crank of Krishnan Guru-Murthy. Tonight's the big one.
Mark: Jeremy, all rational people agree it's a truth self-evident that it's impossible to have a good time on New Year's Eve. The pressure's too immense.

Trish: [Whilst among a group of Dobby's friends playing a music quiz in which one person gives vague descriptions of bands/solo artists without using their actual name and the other person must guess the name of the band/solo artist in each description. The person describing the band/solo artist must also not use the actual names of any other bands/solo artists in their description] Right, Jez and Hans... go!
Super: Er, widely regarded to have nicked our sound?
Jeremy: The Chemical Brothers.
Super: Correct. Eh, bullshitters turning wank into cash?
Jeremy: Flaming Lips?
Super: Correct. Oh, arsehole?
Jeremy: LCD Soundsystem.
Super: Fakers?
Jeremy: Pavement.
Super: Yep. Uh, oh, we thought we had her number and you got a bit overexcited, but uh, it turned out to be a not very funny joke?
Jeremy: Lily Allen.
Super: Correct.
[someone laughs off screen]
Super: Phoneys?
Jeremy: Foo Fighters.
Super: Yeah. Uh, oh, demanded the Ramsgate blowjob?
Jeremy: Mumford & Sons?
Super: Mmm.
Trish: That's your lot!
Super: Oh.
Jeremy: [voiceover] I'm so good at this, but I bet not one person here is gonna give me a blowjob.
[shakes his head in disappointment]

Mark: [discussing Jeremy moving out] Maybe this is the kick up the arse we both need. I could turn your room into an office, finally nail Business Secrets of the Pharaohs.
Jeremy: Right. OK, man, yeah, good on you, because obviously we've always been amazing mates, but also a bit like lead weights dragging each other down?
Mark: Exactly. Living together, it's been like... eating a vast portion of chips, very comforting but also there's this lurking sense that you're killing yourself. Right?

Dan: Now, where's the cauliflower?
Mark: Cauliflower is not traditional, Dad.
Dan: [shouts] CAULIFLOWER IS TRADITIONAL!
[a very awkward silence falls upon the table]
Dobby: I don't know if it really is traditional, actually.
Dan: Could you not slip a muzzle on your woman, please, Mark?
[Dobby's jaw drops. The silence continues]
Mark: [voiceover] I notice I'm not saying anything.
Mark: Ahhhh...
Mark: [voiceover] Still not saying anything...
[Dobby looks at him, waiting for him to say something]
Mark: [voiceover] Nothing coming...
Dobby: [getting up] You'll have to excuse me. Thank you, this has all been horrible.

Jeremy: [discussing how they're going to kick Jerry out of Mark's apartment] What about going Litvinenko?
Mark: Kill him? With polonium?
Jeremy: Not full Litvinenko. Just a little bit of something debilitating in his pasta each night. Grind him down, weaken him, till he's all pathetic, and you can just
[motions scooping Jerry up with his left hand]
Jeremy: scoop him up like a sick whippet and
[motions throwing Jerry away]
Jeremy: dump him.
Mark: Um...
Jeremy: You might quite like tending him as he grows weaker and weaker.
Mark: [acting out their scenario] "Here's your tea, Jerry. God, you must get better soon."
Jeremy: [acting out their scenario] "Oh, do sit up, Jerry, while I spoon you some more of this slightly silvery porridge."
Mark: [both laugh mischievously]
Jeremy: Should I keep my voice down?
Mark: No, he's an irritatingly sound sleeper. Ear plugs and eye mask, the full blot.
Jeremy: Well, we could start by just... moving his stuff out.
Mark: No. No, we couldn't. Could we?
Jeremy: [looks at Mark mischieviously]

Pam: [about a play she's written] It's about this group of young people who are very sexually repressed. But they become less and less repressed due to the influence of this wise, twinkly old Jamaican woman, who leads them through a series of experiences.
Dan: You've got to have a Jamaican if you're going to chase the funding. 'Elf and Safety, innit?

Jeremy: [voiceover] I'm moving in! I'm going to be the boyfriend who pays rent! I'm her rent boy... but not sucking cock in a phone box, eating pussy on a tumble dryer!

Jeremy: Quickly, Mark, let's go, we've been rumbled.

Mark: Dobby, where do you see yourself in 5 years? I mean, for example, would you want to learn sailing at all? Or golf?
Dobby: I wouldn't mind getting a strap-on and you and me spit-roasting Cameron for the Boden catalogue. Was that the sort of thing you have in mind?
Mark: [voiceover] She is great. But where does it end? With us sailing the Caribbean, checking our pension pot online? Or much more likely trying to scrape a living on pub quiz machines from our vast knowledge of popular culture and bar snacks?

Super: I'm gonna write this place off send someone in there tomorrow with some disinfectant and a flame thrower. I got me sleeping bag I don't wanna know.
Mark: How was it?
Jeremy: Fine let's go.
Mark: What?
Jeremy: Look I don't wanna talk about it alright. I just want a cup of tea and some soda bread and sit down somewhere quiet!
Mark: What's going on in there are they doing it?
Jeremy: Yes Mark that's right they're doing it. You really have no imagination whatsoever do you!
Mark: Well what are they doing then?
Jeremy: Dude don't worry about them cause they sure as hell aren't worrying about you!. Let's just go Hans?
Super: Yep fuck yeah let's go.
Mark: Big Suze's?
Super: Don't mind where as long as it's safe. I just wanna be in a controlled environment have a Coke and a Tuna sandwich just mong out to some Snow Patrol.

[Jeremy looks at Raymond the bouncer through the chain link fence]
Jeremy: [voiceover] Standing in front of a thousand glory holes and no one but Raymond to suck me off.

Mark: [voiceover] My mother is giving me socks depicting a sexual position I have never even attempted. How little she knows me.

Jeremy: You're not thinking of getting back with Sophie? A bit of a depressing backwards step?
Mark: Yeah, well, April's kaput. Maybe that's just life, your expectations get ground down and down until finally you settle for a life that would have mortified you 20 years ago but now seems like a blessed relief.

Mark: [whilst playing paintball, after entering a bunker to hide in] Wonder if Simon and found a bunker. Wonder if he's in there with Dobby.
[sighs]
Mark: Oh God.
Super: Probably. War makes people horny. Yalta, Yalta was hardcore, Stalin and Roosevelt sandwich, Churchill sat on the side wanking. Yeah?

Mark: Fancy dress. It's like a joke for people with no sense of humour.

Super: Oi, Mrs C, answer me this, have you ever had a parrot?
Pam: Err... no.
Super: It's just you look like you might enjoy a cock-or-two.
Pam: [laughs] Oh! That's very cheeky, Hans.
Mark: [voiceover] This is the spirit of Christmas, Super Hans bonking Mum doggy-style in the airing cupboard.

Alan: Hey, hey, hey, Marco. How you going, good buddy?
Mark: Yeah, great actually old pal.
Alan: Oh really? Cause I thought you might be feeling like a guy who's just walked into a high-class restaurant with a sausage dog on the end of his dick.
Mark: Uh, no?
Alan: I got something up on my visual display unit this morning, Mark. I thought it was a high-definition photo of some dog shit. Then I took a closer look, and I realised it was actually your sales record.
Mark: Oh, right.
Alan: I pulled strings to get you in, Mark. If you look like a sausage dog fucker, then I look like a sausage dog fucker. Do you get me?
Mark: [voiceover] Got to get my dick out of the dog.

[Johnson, a former alcoholic, picks up a glass of champagne]
Mark: [grabbing hold of the glass in Johnson's hand] Isn't it like kryptonite? Won't it kill you?
Johnson: I'm not going to drink it, Mark, I'll just take a sniff for old time's sake.
[Mark lets go. Johnson sniffs it, then downs it]
Johnson: More fool you, asshole.

[as they are about to leave Big Suze's party, one of her really posh friends approaches Jeremy - earlier Suze had gotten them to serve hors d'oeuvres]
Suze's: Is there any more tartare sauce?
Jeremy: Oh, I'm sorry, I'm afraid I've left it all in George Osborne's ball sack. Tell you what, why don't you nip upstairs, wank him off and dip it in that?
[to Mark and Super Hans]
Jeremy: Let's go before we get fired.

[last lines]
Jeremy: If I was going to kill you, I'd have a great sign-off.
Mark: Yeah?
Jeremy: You always loved history, Mark. Well, now you can be part of it.
[mimes shooting him]
Jeremy: Bang.
Mark: Yeah, not bad, not bad at all. I think I'd just come at you in the night, pillow on the face, cark.
Jeremy: Yeah, that's you all over.
[voiceover]
Jeremy: Aw, we do love each other really.
Mark: [voiceover] I simply must get rid of him.

Super: Don't get me wrong, he's a teddy bear... but he's a violent teddy bear.

[In reference to Super Hans' stag do, hosted in a juice bar, where the guests are being urged to drink copious amounts of the stuff for hours on end]
Jeremy: [voiceover] This stag is one load of PG-rated, Disney-assed, Which? magazine-approved, childproof, high-vitamin, fucking bullshit.

Jeremy: Tonight, it's not about the bitches, it's all about the Hitches!
Mark: The Hitches? You think we're Peter and Christopher Hitchens on a big night out? And I suppose I have to be Peter.

[During a game of Charades]
Dan: Jez, over here. Got one for you.
[whispers in Jeremy's ear]
Dan: Thus Spake Zarathustra.
Jeremy: Excuse me?
Dan: It's a book by Nietzsche.
[he grins wickedly]
Jeremy: [voiceover] Oh, great. Fucking thanks, Dan. Thus? No. Spake? No. Zarathustra? Nope.
[he starts flapping his arms like a chicken]
Super: Chicken Run.
Jeremy: Correct.
[he goes to sit back down]
Dan: But...
Jeremy: [voiceover] Fuck you, Dan.
[out loud, innocently]
Jeremy: Oh, I'm sorry, I thought you said Chicken Run.

[Jeremy makes eye contact with Super Hans' Asian girlfriend]
Jeremy: [voiceover] OK, let's crank up the flirt-athon, using a language I'll think she'll understand.
[he mimes feeling a woman's breasts]
Jeremy: [voiceover] Yoko Ono? Or Yoko O-yes?

Mark: Where's the turkey, Jeremy?
Jeremy: What?
Mark: The turkey. Where's the turkey?
Jeremy: I thought you were getting the turkey.
Mark: You what?
[starts shouting]
Mark: NO TURKEY? You fucking idiot, Jeremy! You total fucking idiot! That was YOUR job, you fucking moron! You cretin! YOU'RE A FUCKHEAD! THAT'S WHAT YOU ARE! A FUCKING SHITHEAD!
[Jeremy looks very hurt]
Jeremy: [quiet voice] It was a joke, Mark. I was joking. It was a Christmas joke.
Mark: Oh, I see... oh.
Jeremy: Of course I've got a turkey. It's an organic turkey, I took ages researching it online. It's going to be delicious.
[he opens the fridge to reveal the turkey inside]
Mark: [guilty] That looks like a lovely turkey. I'm sorry, I... flew off the handle a bit.
Jeremy: [still on the verge of tears] That wasn't very Christmassy.
Mark: No, it wasn't. I apologize.

Jeremy: Who's the chick?
Super: That's no chick, man. That's the love of my life.
Jeremy: Wow. And what does she...
Super: I don't know much about her, she don't speak English. We speak the language of love. And a tiny little bit of German.
Jeremy: Right.
Super: I tell you, man, she is the one. I'd take a bullet for her. I'd take a bullet up the arris for her.
Jeremy: Oh, that's nice.
Super: I'd take a fucking truncheon up the arris for this one. Or an umbrella. I would open an umbrella up inside my arris for this one.
Mark: Hans, we get the message, there's probably no need to list all the things you'd put up your bottom for your girlfriend.

Jeremy: Remember that time we came back from Cinderella's and Pedge put his pants on the taxi driver's head and he couldn't see a thing?
Mark: Yeah, that would have been more hilarious had I not been literally weeping with fear.

Super: It's the heart of darkness Jez, it's the fucking dirt.
Mark: I don't wanna go into the heart of darkness!
Jeremy: Oh come on dude sometimes you gotta flip the switch lift the rock and look what's underneath cause it's not always woodlice.
Mark: Look if that party is too much for Hans excuse me Hans, the crack addled maniac. I'm pretty confident it'll be too much for me.

Super: Oi, Jez! What the fuck?
[makes the "penis entering vagina" hand signal]
Super: Yoko says you were giving it all that at Big Suze's.
Zahra: What? Jeremy, were you?
Jeremy: God, no! It wasn't sex, you know, it was just... sexy hand signals.
Zahra: Why were you giving her sexy hand signals?
Jeremy: I... it was all a misunderstanding. I was in the kitchen, and I might have done a...
[does the "OK" hand signal]
Jeremy: ... like that, for "OK", yeah? And then, there were lots of little sausages around, so maybe I put the sausage in the "OK" to ask "Would you like to put a sausage in your mouth?"
Super: You mean, see if she wanted to put a sausage in her mouth and then take it out and then put back it in again!
Jeremy: Yeah!
Super: You know how I feel about her. You're gonna fucking pay for this.
Jeremy: Look, it's not my fault she doesn't speak English! This kind of thing probably happens the whole time at the UN!

Mark: [looking at different blends of tea] Breakfast blend, special blend, oh! double black diamond extra bold, that sounds interesting. Breakfast blend it is.

Mark: [looking at the oversized Christmas tree in their lounge, bent over and scraping the ceiling at the top] Oh, wow. So, you got it in, in the end. It's quite a specimen.
Jeremy: Mmm-hmm. Quite a specimen. I thought about trimming the top off but it felt like I was castrating Christmas, you know? Chopping Santa's bollocks off.

Mark: [voiceover] Can't believe he's actually moving out. I'm going to be an unemployed single mother stuck in the flat eating Frosties from a salad bowl until I die from loneliness and two weeks later they break down the door to find Ian sucking on my cold, dead teats.

Zahra: OK, the truth is, I came here to tell you that Ben and me, we're finished. I... I found out he slept with someone else.
Jeremy: God. Who would have sex with Ben? Apart from you, obviously.

Mark: Merry Christ-Mark everyone!

Johnson: What have you come as? Techno hippie street bum?
Jeremy: I'm not actually wearing a costume, Alan, so the joke's on you.
Johnson: Yes, I knew that, so the joke's on you.
Jeremy: Well, I didn't realise you knew that, so it can't have been a very good joke.

Mark: [trying out the second-hand paper shredder his dad has given him for Christmas] I guess it is time to move to cross-cut, my old strip-cut was probably a security risk to be honest.
Dan: That's a real shredder, not a Nancy boy shredder.
Mark: [voiceover] Ugh, the office equipment homophobe.

Jeremy: [voiceover] Hello... she's looking at me. Maybe I should... Why not? Zahra hasn't phoned or texted me for 2 hours, she's basically instructing me to have sex with a random woman.

Super: You want the knack, Mark? With women?
Mark: Well... yes, I suppose I do.
Super: Want the knack? Get smack.
Mark: Smack?
Super: Get smacked out of it, then you'll get the ladies.
Mark: Really?
Super: Maybe.
Mark: Right. I'm not sure I...
Super: I just love smack. I'm probably not the right man to ask.

[Jeremy answers the door. It's Super Hans]
Super: Happy Christmas, motherfucker.
Jeremy: Hans!
Super: Have a guess what Santa's got in his sack.
[reaches inside his bag and takes out a bundle of marijuana]
Super: Answer: a wicked big bag of sinister minister.
Jeremy: [taking it] Ah. Happy Christmas.
Mark: Hans?
Super: Merry Christmas, Mark.
Mark: Jeremy...
Jeremy: [quietly, to Mark] I'm not going to.
Mark: Well, don't.
Sarah: Super Hans! Merry Christmas, glass of Cava?
Super: [coming in] Don't mind if I do. Mind out boys, Father Spliffmas coming through.
Mark: [voiceover] Great. Methadone in the mulled wine.
Jeremy: What?
Mark: It's your fault.
Jeremy: It's not my fault. I was holding the line.
Mark: Yes, but you know him. You shouldn't know him.
Jeremy: Well, I'm sorry, but I do know him.
Mark: [voiceover] Ugh. Merry migraine and a happy new stomach ulcer.

Dan: [spills his drink] Oh, for fudge's sake!
Mark: It's OK, Dad, the carpet's seen worse.
Sarah: You Jezzed the carpet just like you Jezzed the directions, Dad!
[she and Pam giggle. Mark looks uncomfortable]
Jeremy: Erm, Jezzed?
Pam: We got it from Mark, didn't we, Mark?
Jeremy: Oh, right. So, uh... it's when you...
Pam: When you get something wrong - he Jezzed it.
Dan: Total balls-up, a real Jezzing.
Jeremy: Right. Yeah. Yeah, that is funny. Sort of a bit like being famous.
[the doorbell rings]
Jeremy: I'll go and see who that is. Let's hope I don't Jez it, or do a big Mark in my pants.

Dan: We're not playing bleeding Pictionary. It's a made-up game.

Mark: [unwrapping his Christmas present from Dobby] Oh, right, yeah, the FlashFoward box set.
Dobby: It's meant to be amazing. Shall we do it this week?
Mark: Uh, sure, it's just... we watched all the Losts and they were somewhat OK, and Heroes had some interesting themes, but also quite a lot of not-so-interesting themes, and Prison Break... by the end I very much felt I wanted to break out of the prison that Prison Break had become for us, and it's just... don't you think maybe we should... go out?
Dobby: [disappointed by Mark's reaction] Where to?
Mark: To... not the theatre obviously, but... the National Army Museum?
Dobby: You'd rather go to the National Army Museum than stay in bed and watch FlashFoward and drink brandy? Are you bonkers?

Mark: Now obviously, this is a fucking disaster, but Dobby's staying. For Christmas.
Jeremy: Right. Lovely. The more, the merrier.
Mark: Exactly. The more, the merrier, they said as another poor soul was crammed into the Black Hole of Calcutta.

Super: [delivering his wedding vows] I'm getting married, and I would punch in the throat anyone who tried to stop me. That is how I feel today, Molly. So suffused with love, I'd put a glass in the face of anyone who tried to stop us joining our souls together. I'd hospitalise them.

Jeremy: Hello, Sarah. Happy Christmas.
Sarah: It could be, if you play your cards right.
Jeremy: [voiceover] Ugh, not Sarah, not again. Ding Dong Merrily on my dong, the Christmas elves are weeping.