30 Best William 'Hale' Santiago Quotes

Ciara: Man. Where am I?
Lauren: Who am I?
Kenzi: Why are my pants so tight?
Dyson: What the hell is on my face?
Detective: Oh dear. Have we... Have we switched bodies?

William: I agree, the pension system is woefully inadequate. That's why, as The Ash, I would. double the payouts for anyone over nine centuries old. Though you don't look a decade over six-fifty.

Woods: Reynard's poisoned the kegs. Anyone who's had some beer tonight, has ingested the Gorgon blood.
[Kenzi spits her drink out]
Detective: Could be worse. Could have ingested Trick's Creme de Squid.
Kenzi: That is *not* a thing.
Lauren: So... all of us.
Fitzpatrick: Except for me. I wouldn't be caught dead drinking that swill.
[Everyone looks at him]
Fitzpatrick: Sorry - Barkeep humor.

William: As heir to the Zamora Clan, I am invoking my right to call a parlay.
Fitzpatrick: You're technically not the heir There's Val, your cousin Mitch...

William: Where's Dyson?
Bo: Una Mens still have him. Security is full throttle, no one's getting in.
Kenzi: I took a punch to the neck. By a *monk*.

Detective: You want some pancakes with that syrup?
Kenzi: One more word. One more word, and I'll be having siren with my syrup.
Detective: You're getting nasty in your old age.

Dyson: How's things with Tori going?
William: Yeah. She's okay. Awesome. Special little girl. Makes me, uh, wanna have kids of my own. So, so precious...
Dyson: You lost her, didn't you?

Kenzi: How did you do that?
Detective: I got skills.
Kenzi: Will you marry me?
Detective: Nah, you drink too much.

Crier: [Announcing party guests] Emmett Northcote; of Family Northcote, Clan Fin Arvin. Tamsin Borgia, of Family Akif, Clan Bukharin.
William: Where are you, Kenzi?
Crier: Kenzi - Hale's bitchin' girlfriend of family "what up?" Clan, "hey now!"

William: You could talk a Nun into a threeway.
Dyson: Ah, the Crusades. Good times.

Kenzi: Shhhh. It took like five Avril Lavigne songs to get Baby Tam-Tam a ticket to play-time land. You wake her Sk8er Boi, you are dealing with her.
William: You know the words to five Avril Lavigne songs?

Monk: Convertimini ad níhilum.
[Swallows poison to avoid interrogation]
William: Loyal little shit.
Kenzi: Latin *is* a dead language

William: It's not like we choose our local government every day, so it's kind of a big deal. Lots of rituals, big-ass feast, and a stag hunt.
Kenzi: Ooh. Will there be wenches, and mead?
William: You crash the party, there'll definitely be a wench.

Kenzi: Hey guys, how would I know if the dude was inside me?
Detective: Been awhile?

Detective: Everything okay?
Kenzi: Are you kidding me? It's better than Call of Duty 3.

Bo: Something is going on, we're in danger, it could be Una Mens.
Tamsin: We've tried this already. And nobody is taking us seriously.
William: Nah, Una Mens ain't dumb enough to cause trouble on Yule. Hell, they're probably off playing kissyface under the mistletoe.
[Slight pause]
William: Please don't tell them I said that.

Fitzpatrick: This is serious.
Detective: Seriously bad timing. We're trapped in a bar, maybe for days and *this* is the night the new waitress has off?

William: You might remember Kenzi?
Clive: We got our heads bashed in together.
Kenzi: We're practically engaged.
Clive: But I thought you were "Kimmy"?
Kenzi: ...That's my middle name.
William: She's got a few of those.

Dyson: The detail's not for the Glaive, per se, it's for her daughter, and she comes with instructions.
William: I bet.
[Reads card]
William: "No booze, no boys, no rap music, no coffee...".

Dyson: What the hell is going on, guys?
William: Oh! Officer, where are your pants?

William: You don't think you're overreacting just a little bit?
Kenzi: Hey. It's called being prepared. Last time Dyson dumped Bo's ass, a car got smashed, three furies died, and a dude's HEAD was cut off.

Dyson: I don't get this everywhere I go today women are freaking out on me!
William: Well now you're among friends.

Evony: Oh, I so hope you don't get murdered. With all the death threats. Finding your killer would be like finding a needle in a whore stack.
William: If we're gonna work together, I need you to be a little less All About Eve, a little more Steel Magnolias. You feel me?
Evony: Which one was about the haircut that gives you cancer?

Fitzpatrick: Where was Dyson born?
Ciara: [as Hale] What's Dyson's favorite food?
Detective: [as Ciara] What's Dyson's favorite position?
Kenzi: [as Dyson] Ciara...
Lauren: Honestly, lady-...
Detective: Not sure? Well, why don't we ask Bo.

William: Six semi-conscious rednecks and 5K in damages to a perfectly unrespectable road house. And the first I hear of you in weeks is a call from your arresting officer. What do you got to say for yourself, Detective?
Dyson: They started it.

Hale: Listen, what's it like with a succubus. Tell me.
Dyson: You remember Daphne?
Hale: A nymph?
Dyson: Uh-huh.
Hale: Hourly, yes!
Dyson: Well I lost her number and I don't even care...

Kenzi: I know Bo's got a lot of stuff going on, but Kenzi's got a lot of stuff too! Kenzi's got butt-loads of stuff.
[Breathes]
Kenzi: Hale, I gotta unload 'cause I might've done something that's coming back at me in a big, yucky way.
[He's not listening]
Kenzi: Hale!
William: Sorry, what do you gotta unload out of your butt?

William: That was close. Too close. And I usually like close. A close shave. Glenn Close. Close Encounters of the Third Kind.

Kenzi: So, Val, is that, um, short for Valerie? Or cause you're a Valkyrie?
Val: I'm a Pombero, I can steal voices and seriously -
[Turns]
Val: Hale, a human in our house!
William: Shut it, Val.
Val: You shut it.
[Steals his voice]
Fletcher: Children, that's enough. Sweetie, give your brother back his voice.
William: [At Val] Harpie.
Val: Human hugger.

Kenzi: I can never tell with those two if they're on or off.
William: I put money on them fighting again In two weeks and back to square one.
Kenzi: I pick the 14th for them hittin' the skids. Closest one t the date wins 20 bucks.
William: In the event of a tie we go down to the hour and the minute.