Top 20 Quotes From Ashburn

Ashburn: [getting angrier] God, you guys are just - what is the matter with you? You're such... you're just such jerks! You're just such... shit jerk! You're just a shit jerk dick... fucker! You're a shit jerk dick fucker assholer. And you can all just go fuck yourselves!

Ashburn: [after drunkenly breaking a glass and cutting her hand] Ah. Ah. I don't - I don't feel it. I don't feel it.
Mullins: [laughs hysterically while raising Ashburn's arm] Keep it up!

Mullins: [in bathroom] Jesus, what are those?
Ashburn: Stop it, they're my Spanx. They hold everything together.
Mullins: Why, what's gonna come popping out?
Ashburn: Nothing, it just keeps everything where it's supposed to be. Like...
Mullins: Shit, like medically?

Mullins: I see you have a cat.
Ashburn: Yep.
Mullins: Is he around? Because I'd kinda like to, you know, pet him and stuff.
Ashburn: He ran away when I was in New York.
Mullins: [getting emotional] Oh God, that tears me up.
Ashburn: Yeah, it was a loss.
Mullins: The cat got one look at your shitty life and said "no fucking thanks, man. I am outta here."
Ashburn: I'm still kinda just grieving a little bit about it.
Mullins: That fucking tabby is an asshole. That's what he is. Fuck you. Fuck you, that's what I say to that cat. God damn it.
[gives Ashburn a hug]
Mullins: Such a shitty, shitty little life. You can't even keep a cat.

Mullins: You want something to eat? I didn't finish my submarine sandwich from the other day.
Ashburn: Oh god, no thank you.
Mullins: Sorry I don't have poached eggs and rubies for ya.
Ashburn: No, I... I don't mean to be rude but one could catch a MRSA infection in here, that's all.
Mullins: Yeah, what part of that wasn't rude?

Ashburn: Could you just close the door on your way out?
Mullins: I'll shut the door on you. You lay down here and put your head in the door and I'll slam it about 157,000 fucking times.
Rojas: Aw, shit, girl You'd better run. Run like you're on fire!

Mullins: What're you looking at?
Chris: I like how your friend's shorts make me feel in my shorts. I am sorry, that was much cruder than I meant it to be.
Ashburn: Stand corrected on the shorts. Let's proceed.

Ashburn: I was actually married for six-some years.
Mullins: Was he a hearing man?

Ashburn: Okay, here we go.
[Ashburn goes to pull the fire alarm in the club, and the face plate comes off in her hand]
Ashburn: My God, there are absolutely no wires attached to this thing! And what is that?
[poking at object in recessed fire alarm box]
Ashburn: What is that? Gum? Or is that... Silly Putty?
Mullins: [Slaps Ashburn's hand] Don't touch that! That's a condom.
Ashburn: [Ashburn dry heaves]

Mullins: [Walking toward a man on the street] Oh, shit.
Ashburn: What's wrong?
Mullins: Just... just don't look. Don't look! Don't look! Just act like we're talking.
Robin: Hey, Shannon.
Mullins: Hi, Robin.
Robin: I really enjoyed our night together, Shannon. You just disappeared on me.
Mullins: Yeah, I know. I was there.
Robin: Well, can I take you to dinner? A movie or something?
Mullins: God, buddy, do you not hear how pathetic everything out of your mouth sounds? I mean, there's a girl out there for you, but it's not... it's not me. Maybe it's her.
[indicating Ashburn]
Mullins: Her lady business is like an old dirty attic. Full of broken Christmas lights and like doll shoes and shit. Why don't you clean THAT out for her?
Ashburn: Uh, that's a... that's a misrepresentation of my vagina.

Mullins: Guess you and her are engaged now, huh?
LeSoire: What?
Ashburn: Well, cause...
[shows a ring pulled from a grenade]
Ashburn: you just gave me a ring MUTHAFUCKA!

Ashburn: [Leans in close to talk to Mullins after waking up in a bar] Hey, how ya doin'?
Mullins: Jesus, you've gotta get a mint in that dumpster.
Ashburn: Oh, God, was I smoking cigarettes last night?
Mullins: Yeah, you kept takin' 'em out of people's mouths and smoking them.
Ashburn: God, that's so nasty.
Mullins: It *was* pretty gross.

Mullins: Two against two. I like those odds.
Ashburn: I'm gonna call for backup.
LeSoire: [Whispers] It's already here.
Ashburn: Hey, I was looking for you. I forgot to get your number.
LeSoire: Cool. It's 1-800-GiveMeYourFuckingGuns.
Ashburn: That's too many numbers.

Levy: Alright, ladies, here's the DNA results from the book of matches and the cigarette butt you got from Tatiana's. We pulled two sets of prints. First one's a real nut job. Look at this: reckless driving, assault, arson...
[pulls up Mullins' photo on the screen]
Ashburn: [clears throat]
Levy: Oh, God.
Ashburn: Really?
Mullins: Who the fuck is this guy?
Ashburn: He's my assistant. What...?
Levy: Uh, you know I'm an agent, right?
Ashburn: Arson?
Mullins: It was a drug house!
Levy: [Ignored as he holds up his ID badge, whistles, and taps on it]
Ashburn: I really feel the need to finish reading your files because this is just...
Mullins: I really feel the need for you to stay out of my business so I don't punch you in the teeth.

Mullins: Tatiana, you ready to get real?
Tatiana: Let's get real.
Mullins: We both know you've been blowing shit up your nose all day. Man, there's nothing I'd love more to do than slip into my camisole, put my feet up, have a little smack, Real good time, maybe a couple of cold ones, a little chip and dip, watch some cartoons. I'd get a big bowl of fucking coke, I'd put my face in it, cut it with a little Ritalin, heaven on fucking Earth, right? I'll camp out all week for tickets to that show.
Ashburn: What is this, Training Day?

Ashburn: [Ashburn's cell phone rings] Ashburn.
[Hands phone to Mullins]
Ashburn: Why don't you have your own phone?
Mullins: What am I, the Queen of England?
Ashburn: I don't know. Does the Queen of England only wear sweatpants?
Mullins: Fuck you.
Ashburn: You... 'F' you.

Captain: This job is destroying me... you know how old I am?
Ashburn: Um... um... 58.
Captain: I'm 43 years old.
Ashburn: Uh-huh... see I always round up.
Captain: I have a five year-old son who calls me Grampa.

Ashburn: Wow, your windows are all boarded up.
Mullins: Yeah, I've got the glass, I just don't have the... you know, the window blankets.
Ashburn: Curtains? You mean the curtains?
Mullins: Whatever.

Mullins: Get on the ground! You are under arrest. Put your hands up where I can see them and tell me where the fuck Larkin is!
Dealer: [Cocks gun and points it at Mullins] Hey, I think It'd be much more better if you put your hands up.
Ashburn: [Cocks gun and points it at dealer] Much more better? Drop the gun and take a grammar course, you idiot.
Dealer: Who the fuck are you?
Ashburn: Me and her? We're the fucking heat!

Mullins: Who closes the door to take a shit?
Ashburn: Humans.