Top 100 Quotes From Melissa McCarthy

Ashburn: [after drunkenly breaking a glass and cutting her hand] Ah. Ah. I don't - I don't feel it. I don't feel it.
Mullins: [laughs hysterically while raising Ashburn's arm] Keep it up!

Molly: Eat your fish.
Mike: [Looks at the whole fish on his plate] I don't like my fish this way.
Molly: Oh, nobody does! It's a horror show!
Mike: It should be deep fried and served in a cardboard pirate hat like God intended.

Peggy: [Referring to her mother] After Daddy went to bed, she'd sneak out on the porch, smoke her pipe and just cry.
Molly: Why was she crying?
Peggy: I told you. It was on that farm. We barely scraped by.
[Her voice gets quieter]
Peggy: And when things get really bad, Daddy got angry.
Molly: Angry, how?
Peggy: He started hitting. The walls. The dog.
Molly: You?
Peggy: He tried, but Momma wouldn't let him. So, he turned it all on her.
Molly: [Sadly, softly] Peggy, I had no idea.
Peggy: How could you? No one knew. First chance I had, I lit outta there and never looked back.
Molly: Well, of course, I mean what choice did you have?
Peggy: [Fighting tears, disappointed in herself] I left her there. She protected me all those years, and I just abandoned her.
Molly: I- I'm sure that all your mother ever really wanted was for you to be safe.
Peggy: Who was keeping her safe?
Molly: Well, you were a kid. There was nothing you could do about that.
Peggy: I could have stayed.
Molly: [Both of them fighting tears now] Then you wouldn't have lived the life that you were supposed to live. And I never would have met the strongest woman that I've ever known. Or my amazing husband.
Peggy: [Taking a deep breath] It's always about you.
[They both laugh through their tears]
Peggy: Guess that's why I hold onto Mikey so tight. I don't want to- abandon anyone ever again.
Molly: He knows you're not going anywhere. We've both come to terms with that.
[They laugh and Peggy hugs her close]

Mullins: Guess you and her are engaged now, huh?
LeSoire: What?
Ashburn: Well, cause...
[shows a ring pulled from a grenade]
Ashburn: you just gave me a ring MUTHAFUCKA!

Molly: [talking to Vince, Joyce and Victoria] Somebody has to go out there and talk to Mike's mom.
Victoria: I'll do it.
Molly: [slight pause] Weird thing is, you were my first choice.

Bradley: [Points at Aldo] Is he dangerous?
Susan: Only if you have boobs.

Peggy: [Mike and Molly are on the porch listening to Peggy yelling at Vince] All the boy wanted to do was go fishing. It may not seem important to you but it was important to him!
Vince: [Intimidated] I know that now, you made that very clear.
Peggy: Do you have any idea how hard it is to be both mother and father to him? I had to teach him how to shave and slow dance!
[shoves him onto the couch]
Vince: You did a remarkable job with both those things.
Molly: [Peggy keeps yelling at Vince] Do you think we should jump in there?
Mike: Well, she drove all the way over here.
[they sit down to watch through the window]
Vince: I don't know, I never had kids.
Peggy: That you know of. And if you did, they'd be swimming around in the shallow end of the gene pool!
Molly: [Peggy keeps ranting at Vince but obviously has her ex husband in mind] You know what, you'd think she was pretty entertaining when she's not yelling at me.
Vince: Mother Biggs, all I did was sell a boat.
Peggy: This has nothing to do with the boat, this is between you and me.
Vince: I think you might be projecting now.
Peggy: Oh, I'm gonna project you through that glass cabinet!
Mike: Okay, it's getting violent. We should get in there.
Molly: No, no, no, Mike, it's just getting good!
Peggy: I'm gonna rip the last five hairs out of your head!
[grabs his head and starts getting rough]
Molly: Get him!
[laughs]

Molly: Mike's taking me to "La Boheme"
Joyce: The opera? Have you told him that Elmer Fudd isn't in it?

Molly: "Roses are red, violets are blue. I'm getting married in three months and I got squat."
[Flips pages]
Molly: I don't remember writing any of this.
Victoria: Did I dream this or were you in the backyard last night drunk and throwing a knife at a tree?
Molly: [Makes funny face] No, I don't think so, Snoop Dogg.

Ashburn: Could you just close the door on your way out?
Mullins: I'll shut the door on you. You lay down here and put your head in the door and I'll slam it about 157,000 fucking times.
Rojas: Aw, shit, girl You'd better run. Run like you're on fire!

Molly: To be honest, I don't have a very good excuse for what I did.
Mr. Wisney: You don't need a good excuse. You're in a union.

Mullins: [At the albino agent] Oh, all due respect to you, who's your wife? A five-pound bag of flour with a hole in it?

Susan: Oh my God, Rayna. Thank God your hair broke your fall.

Mike: The last thing you want to do is get on her bad side.
Molly: Is there a good side?
Mike: Yes, and believe it or not, you're on it. Your tires aren't slashed, no dog turds in the mailbox, and the women in her church don't think you have syphilis.
Molly: Oh, God!
Mike: Why do you think that amazing house across the street from her gets sold every year?
Molly: I thought it was black mold.
Mike: She's the black mold.

Molly: Wait a second, you're dating my mother?
Vince: Hey, old soup is still good if you heat it up.

Bradley: Who's the finest of them all?
Susan: You are! Oh Bradley you so fine, you so fine you blow my mind, hey Bradley!
[clap, clap]

[Susan orders drones to blow up enemies and allows Fine to escape]
Bradley: Haha, close one! Nice drone work, Coop. I could kiss you!
Susan: Oh, haha, well I would accept that with an open mouth.

Molly: You're planning Christmas already. I think that's really adorable.
Peggy: Well, your approval is the reason I get out of bed in the morning.

Susan: [rides a moped up a ramp] I AM SO BADASS!
[lands in wet cement]

Susan: [commenting on Rick's clumsy rescue entrance] He means well.

Susan: And fuck you for saying I look anything like that fucking beast... No wonder your dad never had the son he wanted; you fuck that monster once, and you just drop the fucking mic and walk out.

Molly: Can I get you something to drink?
Peggy: Three fingers of Canadian whisky with a splash of Tab.
Molly: And if we don't have Canadian whisky?
Peggy: Then forget it... I've got a cough drop in my purse.

Molly: Well, let's lift him and get him onto the bed.
Joyce: Wait, wait, he's covered in coconut oil.
Mike: I was wondering why I was craving a Mounds bar.

[Mullins orders a whiskey]
Club: 14 dollars.
Mullins: 14 dollars? Is it magic fucking whiskey? Do I get a motorcycle with it? Is it gonna be served in Jesus's shoe?

Mullins: [pulls an elderly man out of his chair] Get up, you fuck!

Bob: Can I take you to get ice cream?
Darla: Yes!
Darla: [Whispering] Yes! Yes! Yes! Yes!
Darla: Super lactose intolerance, but that's ok. Lets roll the dice!

Vince: Oh boy, Chinese. Is there any slippery shrimp?
Molly: Just you.

Susan: I need you to untie me now.
[Aldo motions to untie her]
Susan: That's my ass!
Aldo: It is very difficult to see or gauge my position.
Susan: You're just simply grabbing my ass.
Aldo: Oh, I am sorry.

Joyce: What makes her so special?
Molly: She's just full of life, and she's traveled all over the world.
Joyce: So did I. I was a flight attendant.
Molly: You didn't explore the jungle. You explored airport bars.
Joyce: Hey, those bars can be just as dangerous. There's creepy predators, exotic diseases, and either place you're gonna get bushwhacked.

Mike: Hey that's a stop sign, slow down.
Molly: Crime doesn't slow down!
Mike: Hey, that's my thing!

Mullins: You want something to eat? I didn't finish my submarine sandwich from the other day.
Ashburn: Oh god, no thank you.
Mullins: Sorry I don't have poached eggs and rubies for ya.
Ashburn: No, I... I don't mean to be rude but one could catch a MRSA infection in here, that's all.
Mullins: Yeah, what part of that wasn't rude?

Molly: [Trying to assure Mike that they aren't becoming less sexually active] Listen to me. I didn't say not at all or never again. I said not now. Okay?
Mike: Okay. So, we're still in that hot, crazy, can't get enough of that funky stuff phase, right?
Molly: Absolutely. If I didn't have to eat, bathe or earn a living, I'd never unwrap my legs from around your mighty torso.
Mike: Really?
Molly: Mm, hmm. Yep, 24-7. Sex, sex, sex, sex, sex.
Mike: [Smiling, extremely proud of himself] Alriiiight!

Susan: So, you need me De Luca, and I'm not gonna help you unless you keep Fine alive.
Sergio: Now, let me get this straight, you work for the CIA, yet your're willing to help me sell a nuclear bomb in order to save this man's life. Why would I believe that?
Rayna: Because she's in love with him.
Susan: Yeah, so what? This idiot doesn't even know it. Too dumb to know I'd do anything for him.

Peggy: My father sent me this trunk just after my mother died.
Molly: Oh, that's sweet.
[Stops Peggy from opening it]
Molly: She's not in here, is she?

Joyce: [In the middle of having sex with Vince, Joyce runs into Mike and Molly's room] Hurry, I think I broke Vince!
Molly: Great, now we can't return him.

Ashburn: [Ashburn's cell phone rings] Ashburn.
[Hands phone to Mullins]
Ashburn: Why don't you have your own phone?
Mullins: What am I, the Queen of England?
Ashburn: I don't know. Does the Queen of England only wear sweatpants?
Mullins: Fuck you.
Ashburn: You... 'F' you.

Susan: How long was I out?
Rayna: You fainted just long enough for us to laugh at you.
Susan: What happened?
Rayna: It was all a dream... I'm just kidding. A man's throat dissolved.

Rayna: My father used to bring people like you here.
Susan: Did he also make you dress like a slutty dolphin trainer?

Molly: [Mike is upset that Molly wants him to eat fish for breakfast and give up caffeine, and protests] Well, clearly you know more than a team of Swedish doctors.
Mike: Damn fish-eatin' Swedes! I *knew* they were behind this!

Susan: [having stabbed her opponent] Oh, that's clean through.
Lia: Thanks for your weapon.
Susan: Well, you know, it's been inside you, so I don't think it should go inside me...

Molly: [Takes knife and throws at cupboard. It hits it perfectly] How long was I out there?

Rick: [holding onto Susan's legs, the two of them dangling from the landing skid of DeLuca's helicopter] I can't get a grip. Your pants are too slippery! You should've worn coarser pants!
Susan: Oh, I'm sorry I didn't wear my fucking sandpaper pants!

[a stage play in New Asgard re-enacts the death of Odin]
Actor: Look at this place. It's beautiful. Home.
Actor: Yes. Home, father.
Actor: We're here to take you home.
Actor: Yes. To planet Asgard.
Actor: Asgard is not a planet, my sons. It is people. It is you!
[Actor Loki sprays water on his face and pretends to cry]
Actor: And now, it is time for me to pass on to the spirit realm.
[Actor Odin gets up on the stone]
Actor: I will take my place in the great banqueting hall of Valhalla, the resting place of the gods. Oh, one more thing. You have a sister.
[confused look on Actor Thor and Actor Loki's faces]
Actor: And so now, I turn into godly stardust, and say farewell.
[Actor Odin starts pouring glittered confetti on himself]
Actor: Oh, look. Do you see? It's happening. I'm disappearing.
[Actor Odin hides behind the rock and crawls backstage as stage hands throw more confetti to the stage]
Actor: [screaming] NO!
Actor: Father!
[stage hands bring in a painted canvas]
Actor: But wait! Brother! An ominous portal hath appeared behind us!
Actor: Transform!
[stage hands remotely rip the actors' normal clothes to reveal their costumes while Actor Hela bursts out of the canvas]
Actor: [laughing maniacally] I am Hela, Goddess of Death. Now, I return to Asgard to stake my claim as the rightful heir to the throne, and no one will stop me! Join me or die!
Actor: We will never join you, witch! Mjolnir!
[Actor Thor throws Mjolnir at Hela, but she catches it with one hand]
Actor: Impossible!
[Actor Hela crushes Mjolnir]
Actor: I broke your hammer! Time to die!
Actor: Bifrost!

Mullins: [in bathroom] Jesus, what are those?
Ashburn: Stop it, they're my Spanx. They hold everything together.
Mullins: Why, what's gonna come popping out?
Ashburn: Nothing, it just keeps everything where it's supposed to be. Like...
Mullins: Shit, like medically?

Peggy: Kay has seen every inch of this filthy planet.
Kay: Yeah, there's only one place I wouldn't dare go back to.
Molly: Somalia?
Kay: Florida. Awful place. Mickey Mouse, meth, and mullets. Let the Cubans have it.

Mullins: I'll kill her with your dead body!

Mike: For her it's one night, but Harry's gonna be prepping for days. Going to every big-and-tall shop looking for a shirt that's hip, sexy, and doesn't look like someone's tenting for termites.
Molly: This isn't just about Harry, is it?
Mike: Her name was Betsy Zajko. I was a sophmore and she was a senior. I'd just made third-string center on the football team so I was feeling pretty good about myself.
Molly: Whiskey?
Mike: Please.
[Molly hands a glass to Mike and pours]
Mike: Anyway, the summer before, her boyfriend had been killed in a dirt-bike accident, so she was vulnerable and most of the guys in her league were feeling a little gun-shy.
Molly: Understandable.
Mike: I mustered up the courage to ask her out, and to my amazement, she said, "Yes." I showed up to the dance with a new shirt, corduroy vest, and a pair of my dad's dress khakis.
Molly: Ooh. Hello, sexy.
Mike: Molly, please?
Molly: Sorry.
Mike: Anyway, by the end of the night, Betsy had slow-danced or dry-humped the quarterback, the fullback, pretty much anybody with a varsity letter and an erection.
Molly: Oh, honey.
Mike: Yeah, apparently, I was the warm-up act for the entire team. While they were enjoying the fruits of my labor, I was in the parking lot splitting a meat lover's pizza with the fat tuba player from the marching band.
Molly: Yeah, I've got a similar story. Mine ends with me splitting a bag of White Castle hamburgers with a very grabby equipment manager. He's a she now.
[Clinks glass and whiskey bottle]
Molly: I buy my Mary Kay products from her.
[Refills Mike's glass and takes a swig from the bottle]

Susan: Get your hands off my boobs!
Rick: I'm saving you!
Susan: You motherfucker, I'm gonna report you to HR!

Bradley: [has gun pointed at Tihomir] Tell me where the bomb is. Ten seconds or you're dead.
Tihomir: Interesting. You see, when my men and I hid it, I made sure to erase any witnesses. And then I erased the erasers. Which means, I'm now the only one who knows just where that dangerously compact and transportable nuke is. So... I'd say I have more than ten seconds.
Bradley: Well then in that case, I'd say you'd better st-
[sneezes and accidentally shoots Tihomir in the head]
Bradley: Oh, fuck...
Susan: [on earpiece] Oh my God, why did you do that?
Bradley: I didn't do it on purpose; there's like a ton of pollen in here!

Mike: [Vince is on the couch, naked under a blanket] Are we having soup?
Molly: No, it's for Baby Bear and you're feeding him, Papa.
Mike: I just walked in the door!
Molly: Hey, wanna know what I found when I walked in the door?
Molly: [lifts Vince's blanket] That! Naked and wet in the bathtub! Look at it!
[Mike turns away, disgusted]
Molly: Look at it! Look at it!
Vince: For God's sake, I'm a human being!
Molly: Let's take a hair sample and see what a biologist has to say about it!

[the Wolf Pack wake up in a honeymoon suite]
Stu: [sees he has implants] I have boobies now!
Cassie: [laughs] Oh my God...
Phil: [laughs] Holy shit!
Stu: It's not funny! Alan, what did you do? What did you do, Alan?
Alan: The wedding cake... it was from Leslie...
[Chow enters, naked and brandishing a sword]
Mr. Chow: [laughs] We had a sick night, bitches!
[the monkey jumps back on Stu]

[last lines]
Susan: [wakes up next to Ford] Aaaaah!
Rick: Oh, stop screaming, you loved it!
[hugs her]
Susan: Ugh, God.

Ashburn: [Horn blows twice. A mini-van slowly drives up to Ashburn and Mullins as they are walking on the street. The van's windows are down, and the radio is blasting Boston's "More Than a Feeling" as the driver flips off Mullins] Who is... who is that?
Mullins: My mom.

Susan: And by the way, I can see your gun, unless you're SO extreme that you have a second dick coming out of your hip!

Jason: What are you gonna do, storm through Boston and take down a drug lord?
Mullins: Yeah, I might. Have you met me?
Jason: Yeah, unfortunately.

Ramirez: The other party isn't filing charges. Mostly because he's embarrassed he got his ass whipped by your mother.
Molly: He shouldn't be. Once she gets on ya she's like a tick, you have to burn her off.

Rayna: Whatever, fuck you.
Susan: I knew you liked me!
Susan: Hey! Fuck you too.

Molly: The night before my wedding I thought I got to be the crazy one. I didn't even make the top ten today.

Mullins: Two against two. I like those odds.
Ashburn: I'm gonna call for backup.
LeSoire: [Whispers] It's already here.
Ashburn: Hey, I was looking for you. I forgot to get your number.
LeSoire: Cool. It's 1-800-GiveMeYourFuckingGuns.
Ashburn: That's too many numbers.

Molly: [Referring to Carl having sex in Mike's apartment] How often does this happen?
Mike: I don't know. I gave him the key about four years ago. So, what is that...? Once every four years?

Joyce: [Offering Molly advice on how to deal with a needy man] Well, I try to remember that men are ruled by testosterone, which is essentially a poison. So, when you get that big, loud mouth jabbering in your face, just say to yourself, 'This is a sick individual. He is suffering from semen-brain.'
Molly: Oh, mom... I don't know what I'd do without your folksy wisdom.

Police Dispatch: Hey Mullins, Captain wants to know what time you're coming in?
Mullins: Hey you know what? Tell him I'll be there sharply at, uh, go-fuck-yourself o'clock. Okay? If there's no traffic. Thank you.

Molly: [They've just become engaged] When did you get this ring?
Officer: About two weeks after I met you.
Officer: [Fighting tears] Look at me. I'm gonna be a best man.

Mike: [reading the story of Peggy's life that Molly wrote and visibly touched] I had no idea. I thought she was just born mean.
Molly: Did you read the part where she was trembling under the stairs clutching her doll?
Mike: Yes, I did. Very descriptive.
[gets up and grabs his coat]
Molly: Where are you going?
Mike: I'm going to go hug my mom.

Mike: [at a restaurant] How's your snapper?
Molly: [loopy on cold medicine] Fine. How's your penis?

Anton: You're both named Amber?
Susan: Whoa, what did I tell you about talking to me?
Anton: Nothing. You said nothing about talking.
Susan: [holds up her fists] You want me to have Cagney and fucking Lacey explain it to you? Cagney's coming down your fucking throat. Lacey, she's gonna come up your ass. I'm gonna meet them in the fucking middle and play your heart like a *fucking* accordion. I'm gonna pump that shit until it pops, you Swedish bitch!
Anton: You wouldn't dare!
Susan: You gonna cry, you little Swiss fucking pussy?
Anton: I'm not gonna cry.
Susan: You're crying now!
Anton: [voice cracks] I'm not! It's so fucking hot.

Susan: I pulled up my file.
[puts file near the keyboard]
Elaine: Jesus, not my keyboard with your pinkeye infected fingers! Why don't you just cry directly into my mouth while you're at it?

Joyce: I didn't sign up for this. Vince is supposed to be my young stud. He's supposed to take care of me!
Molly: Yeah, he almost paralyzed himself taking care of you.
Joyce: Don't start. First he throws his back out having sex, then he breaks a hip having sex, then he has a heart attack having sex.
Molly: What kind of sex are you guys having? No, don't tell me, you've already ruined stawberries for me.

Molly: [Dictating a note to herself after interviewing Carl and his drag queen admirer, Lousette] Movie idea: street-savvy cop and his cross-dressing informant. Oh... "An Officer and His Gentleman"!

Mike: [Discouraged about dieting] As long as there's pie, I'm not safe.
Molly: No. As long as there's *me*, you are.

Mullins: You're giving her beauty advice? Do you even own a fucking mirror?

Mike: Oh, what happened?
Vince: I threw my back out.
Molly: That's what you get for doing it on the floor.
Joyce: We weren't doing it on the floor. We're not animals.
Vince: Yeah, we were doing it in reverse, prairie dog style and I slipped on a strawberry.
Mike: That's what happened to the strawberries.

Susan: Nice copter! Where'd you get it?
Nancy B. Artingstall: It's 50 Cent's! I had to deputize him to let us use it. He is so afraid of me!
Curtis: I'm a motherfucking spy. Let's go shoot somebody else!
Nancy B. Artingstall: Simmer down, 50 Cent or I'll mount you again!
Curtis: This day is just getting better and better!
Nancy B. Artingstall: He wants me!

Molly: I can't win with you! I borrow money from you, I'm wrong. I try to pay you back, I'm wrong.
Joyce: Here we go again.
Molly: I have never tried to pay you back before!
Joyce: You're irresponsible.
Molly: Me? You pay the kid that shovels our walk with beer!
Joyce: It's called bartering, which I do to save money so my unemployed daughter can have a roof over her head, and clothes on her back.
Molly: Oh, what would I do without mommy? I bet I could survive.
Joyce: You wouldn't.
Molly: Wanna bet?
Joyce: Sure. You want me to loan you the money so you can make that bet?

Mullins: If you're not in trouble you're not doing your job.

Rick: You really think you're ready for the field? I once used defibrillators on myself. I put shards of glass in my fuckin' eye. I've jumped from a high-rise building using only a raincoat as a parachute and broke both legs upon landing; I still had to pretend I was in a fucking Cirque du Soleil show! I've swallowed enough microchips and shit them back out again to make a computer. This arm has been ripped off completely and re-attached with *this* fuckin' arm.
Susan: I don't know that that's possible... I mean medically...
Rick: During the threat of an assassination attempt, I appeared convincingly in front of congress as Barack Obama.
Susan: In black-face? That's not appropriate.
Rick: I watched the woman I love get tossed from a plane and hit by another plane mid-air. I drove a car off a freeway on top of a train while it was on fire. Not the car, *I* was on fire.
Susan: Jesus, you're intense.

Joyce: If I'm gonna live clean, you're all gonna live clean!
[stomps on a bag of chips]
Mike: Hey, those are my chips!
Molly: You said Victoria bought them.
Mike: Are we doing this now?
Molly: [Joyce is pouring beers down the drain] Mom, those are mine!
Joyce: And your credit cards are next.
Molly: Mike, go get your taser!

Molly: [after being jostled a little] Hey, do you have a problem?
Isabelle: Oh, you mean other then the loud, obnoxious drunks at the next table?
Victoria: We're sorry, we didn't hear them, we were singing.
Isabelle: Wow, this one's drunk AND stupid.
Joyce: You better watch your mouth, Sasquatch.
Molly: Take it easy, mom.
Isabelle: Oh, you're her mother? How did that
[indicating Molly]
Isabelle: come out of that?
[indicating Joyce]
Joyce: Say that again, I'll kick you in the balls!

Levy: Alright, ladies, here's the DNA results from the book of matches and the cigarette butt you got from Tatiana's. We pulled two sets of prints. First one's a real nut job. Look at this: reckless driving, assault, arson...
[pulls up Mullins' photo on the screen]
Ashburn: [clears throat]
Levy: Oh, God.
Ashburn: Really?
Mullins: Who the fuck is this guy?
Ashburn: He's my assistant. What...?
Levy: Uh, you know I'm an agent, right?
Ashburn: Arson?
Mullins: It was a drug house!
Levy: [Ignored as he holds up his ID badge, whistles, and taps on it]
Ashburn: I really feel the need to finish reading your files because this is just...
Mullins: I really feel the need for you to stay out of my business so I don't punch you in the teeth.

Ashburn: Okay, here we go.
[Ashburn goes to pull the fire alarm in the club, and the face plate comes off in her hand]
Ashburn: My God, there are absolutely no wires attached to this thing! And what is that?
[poking at object in recessed fire alarm box]
Ashburn: What is that? Gum? Or is that... Silly Putty?
Mullins: [Slaps Ashburn's hand] Don't touch that! That's a condom.
Ashburn: [Ashburn dry heaves]

Jason: Welcome home! Are you here to arrest me?
Mullins: I hope not.
Jason: [Looks at Ashburn] Are you selling bibles?
Mullins: No, she's Ashburn.

Mike: [Molly asked what Carl is doing in Mike's apartment with the door chain locked] He's probably in there doin' some broad.
Molly: [Punches Mike's shoulder] Mike, that's disgusting!
Mike: Sorry. He's in there making sweet love to some broad.
Molly: [Punches him again] So, you're telling me right now he's in there having sex on our bed?
Mike: I don't think so. Carl likes to stand and deliver.

Helen: [Employment counsellor tries to get Molly to be realistic about her job prospects] Do you mind if we get real for a second?
Molly: Realer than that?
Helen: Here it is. We're all screwed. If you don't have money now, you are never getting any. Because the 3 guys that have it all are not sharing.

Mullins: What're you looking at?
Chris: I like how your friend's shorts make me feel in my shorts. I am sorry, that was much cruder than I meant it to be.
Ashburn: Stand corrected on the shorts. Let's proceed.

Aldo: [Yelling] Hey, heroic lady! In my country there is a saying about women like you, "Hot as fuck!",
Susan: Oh God. Not now, Aldo!

Joyce: No hotdogs. And no pancakes. You're not eating this stress away. We're going to my yoga class.
Molly: The hell I am! Me in a leotard surrounded by skinny, bendy women. I'd rather kill us all.
Victoria: I'm scared! Make her a hotdog, Mom.

Mullins: [about her comatose brother] It was a terrible resume. He mentioned prison, and in Special Skills he said, Keeping it real.

Susan: Give me your fuckin' coat.
Anton: This is a man's coat.
Susan: Yeah, but I don't see a man, do I? I see a reject from The Sound of Music.

Rick: You're going to ruin this mission.
Susan: No, *you're* going to ruin this mission.
Rick: No, you are.
Susan: No, you're going to!
Rick: You... times infinity!

Ashburn: Wow, your windows are all boarded up.
Mullins: Yeah, I've got the glass, I just don't have the... you know, the window blankets.
Ashburn: Curtains? You mean the curtains?
Mullins: Whatever.

Ashburn: I was actually married for six-some years.
Mullins: Was he a hearing man?

Joyce: [Discussing the possibility of Mike moving into their house] And I will say I'm more than a little nervous about there being a gun in the house.
Molly: Don't worry. I promise that he will keep it locked up.
Joyce: Good, because you know how I get when I drink, and it would tear me apart if anything happened to you girls.

Joyce: Just so you know, I've had exactly two glasses of wine.
Molly: Those aren't glasses, they're aquariums with stems!
Joyce: Hey, if it wasn't for the wine the two of you wouldn't even be here.
Molly: Yeah, with the way you drink, I should have fifteen sisters!
Victoria: Don't worry Molly, you'd still be the smart one!
[knocks the lamp off the end table yet again]
Victoria: Why do we even have a lamp there?

Mullins: What's wrong? You look a little pale... Snowcone.

Nancy B. Artingstall: Do you know what? You play it too safe.
Susan: Oh maybe you're right. I just... I still, you know, hear my mom's voice... "well-behaved women often make history."
Nancy B. Artingstall: Yes you do know the phrase is, "well-behaved women *seldom* make history."
Susan: Yeah that's never how she said it.
Nancy B. Artingstall: What were her others, uh...
Susan: Oh, "just blend in, let somebody else win."
Nancy B. Artingstall: Classic.
Susan: I got that a lot in high school. And there was, "give up on your dreams, Susan." She used to write that in my lunchbox.

Susan: Where'd you get a suit?
Rick: I fucking made it, didn't I?

Mullins: Well, I am balls deep in boredom.

Molly: Look, I have no interest in pouring hot wax on my lady business and ripping all the hair out.
Victoria: Eighteen months, four days, five hours, sweetie. I can have that wax heated up lickity split.
Joyce: And then he can get at it lickity split.
Molly: All right, maybe a little off the sides. But we should probably have a safe word.
Joyce: Well, I always just scream 'Ouch, my hoo ha!'

Susan: You're a loud kisser.
Rayna: Excuse me?
Susan: You're a loud kisser, and it's gross and unappealing. You look like some old toothless woman suckin' the jelly out of a donut.

Molly: Oh, c'mon, don't listen to Vince. If he's not saying something dumb, he's saying something stupid.