The Best Agent 13 Quotes

Agent: I'm sitting in a mailbox and you're telling me I don't know what it's like to be cooped up in a small room? I'd love to be cooped up in a small room. I'd give anything to to be cooped up in something as big as a small room.
Maxwell: Take it easy, 13, take it easy.
Agent: Every assignment I get I'm always locked up in something small. I'm always in a mailbox or a scale or a locker or a grandfathers clock or a tree - you know what happened when I was stationed in that tree at the rubber plantation place?
Maxwell: What?
Agent: I was tapped! Try that some time! Try standing up all night with a spigot in your stomach!

Agent: Oh, 86 will you do me a favor?
Maxwell: What?
Agent: Eh, you won't tell the Chief that my mother's a spy, will ya?
Maxwell: Well, ok, but why?
Agent: I don't think she's on our side.

Maxwell: It's a lucky thing for me you were in there.
Agent: [hiding in cigarette machine] I've been in here for 72 hours without a break.
Maxwell: 72 hours? You must be starved.
Agent: No, but I'm dying for a smoke.

Maxwell: [Max opens the Chief's wall safe] What's 13 doing in there?
Agent: The Chief said I've been out on field trips too long. So he gave me this nice, soft office job.
Maxwell: It's awfully small. Tell me, 13, how did you get in there?
Agent: The Chief gave me the combination.

Maxwell: Well, have you seen anything weird or suspicious?
Agent: [grinning] Not til you came along.

Maxwell: 13, what did you see?
Agent: [hiding in a locker chewing a sandwich and drinking milk] Nothing, I'm on my lunch break.
Maxwell: A man has just been murdered, doesn't that mean anything to you?
Agent: Not from twelve to one.
Maxwell: Listen, 13, if you don't straigten up and fly right, I'm gonna see to it that on your next assignment you're put inside of an incenerator.

Maxwell: Listen, 13, if you hate your job so much, why don't you get into some other line of business?
Agent: Because I'm a trained espionage agent. And besides, it runs in the family.
Maxwell: Your father was a spy?
Agent: No, my mother.
Maxwell: Really?
Agent: Yeah. She was very big in world war one.
Maxwell: No kidding. What's her name?
Agent: I don't know, she won't tell us.

Agent: [hiding inside a weight and fortune machine] Hi 86, Agent 13 here.
Maxwell: What have you got, 13?
Agent: Claustrophobia and flat feet.

Maxwell: What have you learned?
Agent: [hiding in a barber shop towel warmer] I've learned to hate the spy business, that's what I've learned. All Control does is lock me up in solitary. I might as well be a KAOS man.
Maxwell: You should be ashamed of yourself.
Agent: I'm sorry, 86. I didn't mean that. It's just when I signed up to be a secret agent I thought I'd be shot or stabbed - I never thought I'd be melted.

Maxwell: Take my watch as security.
Agent: Yeah, well, I don't know, 86...
[starts examining it]
Maxwell: It's a perfectly good watch!
Agent: Look at that, one of Mickey Mouse' hands is broken.

Maxwell: [13 is hiding in an ice cream vending machine] Agent 13?
Agent: No, it's the abominable snowman. Of course it's me.
Maxwell: All right, what have you got, 13?
Agent: You name it: pneumonia, bronchitis, frostbite, the flu.

Maxwell: [Agent 44 is stationed in a sofa and a woman has just filled his glass] Who was that?
Agent: [takes a sip of wine] Aah. Oh, that was agent 93. Since I had to keep surveillance at a party, the Chief was nice enough to let me take along a date.

Maxwell: There are worse assignments than this. I once knew an agent who was locked in a washing machine for three days.
Agent: That was me, 86!
Maxwell: Yes, I forgot
Agent: I came out so wrinkled I had to iron my skin.

Maxwell: So, the old double agent with the two faces in the twin locker trick.
Agent: I'm the real 13, he's the imposter!
Agent: No he's an imposter.
Impostor: He is!

Maxwell: [13 is hiding in the chimney of Prince Ali Ben Bubee's suite] Look, I know you got a lonely job, 13, but there's no need to be sarcastic about it.
Agent: Well, it does have its' compensations. The other side of this chimney opens on the harem girls' suite.

Maxwell: I've got to get out of here. I've got a appointment in the restoring room.
Agent: You're not seeing my little Dutch girl, are ya?
Maxwell: Don't be ridiculous, of course not. My date is with Bronzefinger.

Maxwell: What are you so grouchy about today?
Agent: [hiding in a trash can] Because I didn't sleep a wink last night, that's why. Every time I dozed off somebody dropped garbage on me.