Top 1000 Quotes From The Andy Griffith Show

Aunt: I have a feeling that everybody in town knows about this except Helen.

Malcolm: Look, all I want you to do is come with me and look at my motor.
Gomer: I'd be happy to look at your motor. I'm sure it's a sight to behold, but I don't know nothin'...
Sheriff: Gomer can't help you Mr. Tucker, he's not a mechanic.

Peggy: You see, I've been doing a little thinking, too, Sheriff, and I've come to a very interesting conclusion.
Andy: You have?
Peggy: You know what you are?
Andy: What?
Peggy: You're a snob.

Andy: Ope, uh, 'member the fun you was havin' this mornin' gollopin' around the backyard on... Blackie? We was both enjoyin' that little game. Course, now-now the truth is they... they never was any real Blackie. That's just somethin' that you made up. That right? Well, about, uh, about this Mr. McBeevee. Maybe the same thing happened there. Maybe you, uh, made him up, too, just for fun, and... They-they's nothin' wrong with that. What's wrong is usin' a Mr. McBeevee to get out of work and to explain things that seem to come from nowhere. Ope, they, uh, they comes a time when you have to stop the play actin' and tell the truth. And that time's now. Right now.

Barney: Yeah, well, today's eight-year-olds are tomorrow's teenagers. I say this calls for action and now. Nip it in the bud. First sign of youngsters goin' wrong, you got to nip it in the bud.
Andy: I'm gonna have a talk with 'em. Now, what more do you want me to do?
Barney: Well, just don't mollycoddle them.
Andy: I won't.
Barney: Nip it. You go read any book you want on the subject of child discipline and you'll find that every one of them is in favor of bud-nippin'.

Goober: The only thing we don't wipe clean is the smile on our faces.

Andy: You got to learn how to take disappointment. There could be more of 'em comin' up, you know. You come up smilin', you're a good loser. The other way's bein' a bad loser. Now what do you wanna be?
Opie: A good winner.

Army: Say, "Ahh."
Ernest T. Bass: Ah.
Army: Could you stretch that out a little?
Ernest T. Bass: Ahhhhhh...
[Doctor looks down his throat, then starts checking his ear; Ernest T. repeats]
Ernest T. Bass: Ahhhhhhh...
Army: No, that was just for your throat.
Ernest T. Bass: Whaddya want me to say for this?
Army: Hush!
Ernest T. Bass: Huuuuush... .

Andy: Does seem to me they're starting 'em awful young for history.
Aunt: Well, maybe they have to. There's more of it these days.

Otis: [to the imaginary "pink elephant in his cell] Alright, big fella. I said you can stay, but not on the bed! NOT ON THE BED! Shoo!

Aunt: I know what you can do.
Opie: What?
Aunt: You can go out and plant 2 whole rows of spinach.
Opie: Spinach?
Aunt: It'll be very educational. You'll see how nature performs her wonders. Why soon you'll set it grow before you very eyes.
Opie: But spinach, couldn't I see something else grow before my very eyes.

Barney: Nip it! Nip it in the bud!

Opie: It is, too, Joey!
Opie's: It is not. You're crazy!
Opie: I'll betcha! I'll betcha that's Barney! Barney? It is Barney! See Joey! Whatcha' doing Barney? Trick or Treat?
Opie's: You sure do look funny Barney.
Opie: He looks like Ms. Cox in the 2nd grade, don't he?

Barney: Well, what kind of a job can you give to Otis? Well, he's irresponsible, he's careless, he's unreliable.
Andy: I'll make him a deputy.

Jud: Now wait just a damn minute! He says hang on a dang second.

Barney: If there's anything that upsets me, it's having people say I'm sensitive.

Emmett: There's something I wanna point out to Aunt Bee before you give it to her, though. I got a list here. When it cuckoos 3 times, it's 2 o'clock, and 3 o'clock it'll sing it out 5 times, and 4 o'clock it'll cuckoo twice. You memorize this list, you'll have no trouble at all.

Andy: Why were you late, Opie?
Opie: Well, I walked all the way home from Maple street.
Andy: Why didn't you ride your bicycle?
Opie: 'Cause I was carrying it.
Andy: Why were you carrying it?
Opie: I didn't want to leave it at the tree.
Andy: What tree?
Opie: The tree I hit.

[Shortly after Sheriff Taylor arrests Jim Lindsey, they jam together on guitars in the jailhouse]
Sheriff: [singing solo as they play] Ridin' on that new river train. Ridin' on that new river train. Same old train that brought me here gonna take me back again.
[Andy and Jim play through an instrumental passage]
Sheriff: Darlin', you can't love one. Darlin', you can't love one. Can't love one and have any fun. Oh, darlin', you can't love one.
[Deputy Barney Fife enters the jailhouse during a second instrumental passage]
Sheriff: Sing, Barney.
Sheriff: [together, as Jim and Andy continue to play] Ridin' on that new river train. Ridin on that new river train. Same old train that brought me here gonna take me home again.
Sheriff: One more.
Sheriff: [Andy and Barney sing together as song concludes with Andy and Jim on their guitars] Ridin' on that new river train. Ridin' on that new river train. Same old train that brought me here gonna take me back again.

Andy: Shhh, we'll take you home.
Otis: Home? To my wife? That's police brutality!

Clara: Now that's the sword that my great grandfather, Colonel Edwards carried all through the battle.
Opie: What did he do in the battle?
Clara: Hasn't anyone told you? He was the commanding officer. And when the other settlers, crazed with hunger and thirst wanted to give up, he led them in a stirring charge that broke the spirit of the indians and brought the final victory.
Opie: Wow!
Clara: Waving his sword in the air, he yelled at his men, "Onward boys! Do you want to live forever?".

Barney: I don't know how I can face the future knowing there's eight quarts of those pickles in it.

Goober: How do you think Floyd's going to take it when I tell him there ain't no $200 prize?
Andy: Well, remember that tornado that hit town about 12 years ago?
Goober: Yeah.
Andy: About like that.

Barney: Ours is not to reason why, ours is just to... make out citations.

Barney: Well, for my money, he's got all the facial characteristics of a criminal. You know, the... the narrow chin, and the eyes close together, and... slack jaw with a prominent overbite.
Andy: You know who that sounds like?
Barney: Who?
Andy: You.

Andy: Oh, ladies, you certainly have been naughty.

Briscoe: [Aunt Bee has hit Briscoe with a spoon] Ow! What'd you do that for?
Aunt: No elbows on the table.
Briscoe: [to Andy] That ain't fair; her hittin' first and explainin' the rules after.

Barney: [after Andy brings out the baby] Where did that come from?

Sheriff: [Standing in the middle of the room in his shirt and boxers] No Sir! You hand 'em over - I can put on my OWN pants!
Malcolm: [Holding Pants] But sir, the Colonel always...!
Sheriff: Never mind the Colonel! Gimme my pants!

Andy: While Barney is a hardened, experienced lawman on the outside, if you look on the inside you'll find a sociable, sophisticated man.
Ernest T. Bass: [turns to face Barney] You can afford to be might proud of yourself.

Sheriff: Anybody here know why these two should not be wed, speak now or forever hold your peace. I now pronounce you man...
Opie: I know why they shouldn't be married.
Sheriff: Opie, what're you tryin' to do?
Opie: I'm speakin' now so's I won't have to forever hold my peace.
Deputy: You're not supposed to speak.
Opie: Then why did he ask?

Goober: So you're going to be a real musician, huh ope?
Opie: Well, I don't know.
Goober: When you get to be like one of them Beagles you still gonna speak to me?
Opie: Beatles, Goob.
Goober: Well, just remember, when you get all your clothes monogrammed and a limousine with a bathtub in it don't forget us simple folk here in Mayberry.
Opie: Gee Goob, I don't mean to be disrespectful or anything but I never made fun of your career at the gas station. I just wish you wouldn't joke about mine!

Mr. McBeevee: Did... did I ever show you the trick that I learned from the heathen cannibals to make smoke come out of me ears?

Goober: Well you can tell he's guilty just by lookin' at him. He's a mean 'un.

Big: [after she's arrested] You RAT!
Deputy: You just settle down, sister!

Margaret: [a reporter, not realizing she's walked into a fishing story rather than a police story] Well, you were just sayin' "Mr. Carp, you have met your match."
Andy: Oh, yes. Well, old carp, he didn't think so.
Margaret: No?
Andy: No, no. The closter I come to pullin' him in, well, the scrappier he got. Well, finally I just reached down and picked up a axe and, wham, right between the eyes.
Margaret: [incredulously] You struck him with an ax?
Andy: The blunt side, to stun him.
Floyd: Oh, they're tough, those carps, hoo-hoo. Oh, I tell you.
Margaret: What'd you do then?
Andy: I strung him up and had my picture took with him.
Margaret: You strung him up right then and there?
Andy: Well, yes, ma'am. There was a big oak tree with a... with a good stout limb - oh, I reckon seven/eight feet off the ground - and I throwed a rope acrossed it and-and pulled him up, and Barney - that's my deputy - he took my picture standing beside of him grinnin' from ear to ear. It took me about all the strength I had to pull that carp up where he cleared the ground.
Floyd: Yeah. Oh, they're BIG, those carps.
Andy: Yeah.
Margaret: I can't believe it.
Andy: Well, I got a picture here...
Margaret: Oh, no, no, PLEASE. You killed him?
Andy: Well, yes, ma'am. Round these parts we figure we're doin' folks a favor when we kill a carp. They're a awful nuisance.

Deputy: [Barney trying to keep Andy from going home to dress for dinner] Well, it's a whim. Are you going to question a whim? You question a whim and you take the fun right out of it!
Sheriff: Well, would it kill the whim if I just take a shower and put on some clean socks and underwear?
Deputy: Sure it will! It's not a whim anymore if you put on clean underwear!
Sheriff: I don't understand it. But I guess a fellow shouldn't question when he's getting a free supper.
Deputy: That's right! Don't look a gift horse in the mouth. Can you let me have $5?

Goober: [Climactic eruption] Gilly, you can't drive a car fast all the time - you gotta take her slow every now and then!

Andy: We'll just have to wait now. We'll give it a few hours and if the front room don't fill up with lawyers, I guess we got away with it.

Howard: Job like that the world's your oyster.
Goober: What?
Howard: Just an expression, Goob.
Goober: Boy, they're sure comin' up with some crazy ones.

Andy: Some dates last a whole evening and some of 'em get over nice and early, like this one did. You understand that, do ya?
Opie: Uh-huh. You got stood up.
Andy: I did not. How you know about that?
Opie: Matt Merles told me that when you make a date with a girl and she ain't there to meet ya, then you're stood up.
Andy: Well, that certainly didn't happen to me. I went over to Peggy's house and she had something else to do, so I come on home. Now, that don't sound like gettin' stood up, does it?
Opie: Don't sound like a date, either.

Barney: Boy, you insist on flyin' right in the face of scientific fact, don't ya?
Andy: Scientific facts?
Barney: There are atmospheric rays which control bodily motions. Now, if a person containing negative or hexin' qualities gets between you and them rays, why, he creates a static that jars any successful motion into an unsuccessful motion and jinxes ya - and THAT is a scientific fact!
Andy: And that is also the biggest crock of nothin' I ever heard!
Barney: It's guys like you that laughed at Edison, the Wright Brothers, Buzz Fluheart.
Andy: Buzz Fluheart?
Barney: The man that discovered the scientific fact I was just tellin' ya!

Otis: Drunk or sober, I can't tell very much without my glasses.
Andy: Well, were you drunk when Deputy Fife arrested you?
Otis: I can't tell. I wasn't wearin' my glasses.

Barney: What's the matter with you? Didn't you ever seen a man with his head in a harness before?

Ernest T. Bass: 'Rithmetic. Two and Two
[stomps 4 times]
Ernest T. Bass: Four. Wait a minute, lemme do you a real hard one. Lemme see, uh, twenty-five and twenty-five
[tap dances]
Ernest T. Bass: Fifty.

Otis: [He thinks he's dead] It's true! It's true! I'm up there! And they're down there... Why am I down there?

Andy: You'all cookin' for yourselves now that Charlene's married, are you?
Briscoe: The boys there, they been takin' turns. They're just about the worst cooks there is. Just the other night, they cooked up about the worst mess of grub I ever did see.
Andy: Oh?
Briscoe: Hoot owl pie. Perfectly good hoot owl just plumb wasted.

Sheriff: [to Opie] And to think I's glad when you learned to talk.

[Opie, influenced by Arnold, comes back for a second father-son discussion]
Opie: I still don't wanna work for my allowance.
Andy: Fine. You don't have to.
Opie: Oh, boy!
Andy: No work, no allowance.
Opie: THAT'S NOT FAIR!
Andy: Don't raise your voice to me! Now you get on outta here. I got things to do.
[Opie thinks about it then takes a big gulp of air]
Andy: What're you doin'?
Opie: [trying to maintain his breath] Pwm pwmbm.
Andy: Opie, I asked you what you're doin'.
Opie: [exhales] I was holding my breath.
Andy: [going back to his paperwork] Good. Good lung exercise.
[Opie licks his lip then starts screaming wildly]
Andy: Opie, what're you doin' now?
Opie: [stopping suddenly] I'm crying and I can't stop.
Andy: [not impressed] That's a shame.
[Opie steps back and begins to stomp on the floor. Failing to get Andy's attention, he drops to the floor kicking and screaming]
Andy: What're you doin' now?
Opie: [stops and sits up calmly] I was having a tantrum.
Andy: Oh. Well, don't get your clothes all dirty.

Billy: What're we stoppin' here for?
Ike: Ain't this your house, Sheriff?
Andy: That's right. We figured this would be a better place to rehabilitate you.
Billy: Oh, no. We heard about this place. It's The Rock!

Deputy: On this job there's only two kinds of cops: the quick and the dead!

Gomer: [looking at a picture of Old Man Rimshaw] Ain't he the one who put chains on his hired man and then done away with him?
Barney: With an axe.
Gomer: An axe? Shazam...

Aunt: [Opie joins Andy and Aunt Bee on the back porch; he's not wearing a shirt] Opie, where's your shirt?
Opie: Well, gee, it's so hot!
Aunt: Opie, you can't come to breakfast like that, a naked savage!

Aunt: Land sakes alive! Look at this room, just look. I don't know what to do with you. You're helpless, absolutely helpless. If it wasn't for me, this house wouldn't be fit to live in.

Barney: Thelma, Andy Lou's here!

Barney: [Barney sees a fly land on Aunt Bee's pickles] Shoo fly... he's dead!

Opie: Paw?
Andy: Mm-hmm?
Opie: If I marry Karen someday, her name becomes Karen Taylor, don't it?
Andy: Yeah. And all your children become Taylors, too.
Opie: Children? I don't think we'd have any children, Paw. We already know plenty of kids to play with.
Andy: Well, of course, that's up to you.
Opie: Paw? How can I get Karen to like me?
Andy: 'Pears to me, she likes you fine.
Opie: She won't even let me carry her books. How can I get her to like me?
Andy: Well, uh, I guess the best thing to do would be just treat her as nice as you can and then after that, it's up to the love bug as to whether he's gonna bite or not. But, now, if you keep on liking her and she don't like you back, why, I 'spect you'll get over it.

Opie: [after twice beating Andy at darts] Would you like to play for money?
Andy: Oh, wait a minute, now. Ain't you a little young to be thinkin' about that? Besides, you don't want to lose your amateur standing, do ya?
Opie: No. What's an amateur?
Andy: An amateur is a fella that plays a game 'cause he just enjoys playin' it. A professional, he plays it 'cause he wants to be paid.
Opie: Oh. Well, I'd like to be a professional amateur. I enjoy playin', but I'd enjoy gettin' paid, too.
Andy: I bet you would, you little buzzard.

Andy: [Opie tries a bite of Andy's cooking] How is it?
Opie: Fine... What is it?

Andy: What about the squad car?
Emmett: Well, we'll be able to tell more about it when they get it back on the wheels.

[Barney accidentally fires off his gun]
Andy: Barney, you promised me when I gave you that bullet you'd keep it in your shirt pocket. Now, why'd you take it out?
Barney: Oh, I'm sorry, Andy. I... Doggone it, that bullet was turnin' green in my pocket. I thought it'd keep better in the gun.
Andy: Barney...
Barney: And besides, I've already lost two bullets in the laundry.

Out: Pardon me. Is there by any chance a motel in this charming town?

Briscoe: I'll expect you tomorrow.
Andy: We'll see you.
Barney: Adios, amigo.
Briscoe: [looks at Barney and then at Andy] He one o' ours?
Andy: Sure.
Briscoe: [looks back at Barney] More power to ya.

Andy: Jim, you're under arrest.
Jim: Arrest? For what?
Andy: Leavin' town without payin' your bills.
Jim: Well... I left this watch, Andy. It'll... it'd cover all my bills - more than cover them.
Andy: Well, then you're under arrest for not leavin' town fast enough. Let's go.
Jim: Well, now, wait a minute. Now, I-I would've been gone if ya hadn't kept me here yappin'.
Andy: No flimsy excuses, Jim. Let's go.

Andy: Oh, that's nice. Little sugar on the jaw.

[Andy has just met with Mr. McBeevee, whom he and Barney had originally thought was imaginary]
Andy: Hey, Barn? Guess who I just met.
Barney: Who?
Andy: Mr. Beevee. He was right out there in the woods, right where Opie said he was.
Barney: You seen him with your own eyes?
Andy: You better know I did! Shiny, silver hat and everything. I never was as glad to shake hands with anybody in my life!
Barney: You shook hands with him?
Andy: I sure did. See, where we went wrong, Barn...
[worriedly, Barney gets up and moves Andy back over to his desk]
Barney: Oh, Andy, you know something? You been working too hard. No, now, listen... you been working too hard, Andy. Just take it easy.
Andy: When... when Opie said...
Barney: Just sit down there and relax, now. I'm gonna make a phone call, and you just take it easy while I make it. Just let your mind go blank. Don't even think of anything.
[beat]
Barney: Hello, Sarah? This is Barney Fife. Uh, I wonder if you could get me Doc Harvey, would you?
[to Andy]
Barney: There just ain't no job more demanding than the high sheriff. I always did say that.
[back to the phone]
Barney: Hello, Doc? Uh, this is Barney Fife. I wonder if you could come over to the office. Uh, well, no. It's just for a... For a regular check-up. It's an emergency. Hurry. Just relax. Just... Just let your mind go blank. Don't even think. Just let her go. You know, don't even think of anything. Just... just let yourself go. Just... just relax.
Andy: He's a real nice fella.
Barney: Oh, yeah. He's a... he's a... Nice.
Andy: Nice.
Andy: He's comin' over to the house to eat supper tonight.
Barney: Supper?
Andy: Uh-huh.
Barney: Wonderful!
Andy: If he gets through in time.
Barney: Oh, he'll get through.
Andy: Why don't you come, too?
Barney: Oh, yes, I will. I'll come. I'll even wear my... my shiny hat. I have a shiny hat. I do. You didn't know that.
[phone rings; Andy tries to reach for it, but Barney takes it from him]
Barney: No, no, no! No, I'll get that. You just... just relax and let me answer the phone. And just... just let the mind go blank.
[beat]
Barney: Hello? Barney Fife. The sheriff's off... Uh, well, uh, yeah, he's here, but, uh, he's not taking any calls right now.
Mr. McBeevee: Tell the sheriff that I can make it to his house for supper tonight.
Barney: I didn't get the name. B-b... uh... Um... McBeevee?

Goober: [walks in after the hearing is over] I just heard about this hearing. Are y'all gonna send her back to prison? Listen, Helen, I know you can't talk now, but when your trial comes up, I'll be a character witness and after you served your time in the pen, well, you come on back and I'll give you a job at the filllin' station, checkin' tires or somethin'. And if worse comes to worse, well, you can go to another town and change your name.

Barney: The last big buy I made was my mom's and dad's anniversary present.
Andy: What'd ya get 'em?
Barney: Septic tank.
Andy: For their anniversary?
Barney: Yeah. Oh, they're really hard to buy for. Besides, it was something they could use. They were really thrilled. Two tons of concrete, all steel reinforced.
Andy: You're a fine son, Barn.
Barney: Well, I try.

Barney: Boy, you're a clown, you are. Why don't cha put a red light onto your nose and go in the circus?

Barney: [Barney and Andy are pretending that Otis has died in front of a locked up Otis] Why did I let him to take up driving? Why?
Andy: You mustn't blame yourself! You tried to warn him.
Otis: [crying] If only I had the chance. If only I realized!
[Otis blubbers a sob]
Barney: [voice breaking] He was a good man, Andy. A good man. He never hurt anybody.
Otis: [sobbing] No.
Barney: He never said a mean thing.
Otis: Never!
Barney: [starting to cry] He was so full of life. He loved life...
[Otis sobs. Barney's emotions break forth]
Barney: [crying] And he Wanted To LIVE!
[Barney runs to the other room, sobbing. Andy follows after him to comfort him. Otis tearfully looks on]
Andy: Don't try to hold it back! Just let it all out of your system.

Helen: This is Andy.
Roger: Hi there, Sandy.

Sheriff: Now, now, don't go blamin' yourself too much. After all, it-it ain't easy bein' married to a... drinkin' man.
Annabelle: Andy Taylor, my Tom was NOT a drinkin' man.
Sheriff: He wasn't?
Annabelle: Absolutely not.
Sheriff: Well, it's too bad Tom didn't know that, 'cause he sure did waste hisself on some awful hangovers.

Andy: Congratulations, Barney. You did it again.

Mrs. Mendelbright: [about Barney Fife] Oh, I do worry about him. He is in this dangerous work, and he is so underweight.

Mr. Doakes: Why sure we can deliver. Is 30 seconds soon enough?

Andy: That's generally the way it's handled. When somebody marries you, the polite thing to do is marry 'em right back.

Deputy: [Barney is frisking and old lady] Sorry about this but us lawmen can't take chances.
Barney: But Barney, I'm your mother.

Barney: Fly away buzzard, fly away crow, way down south where the winds don't blow. Rub your nose and give two winks and save us from this awful jinx.

Goober: I think she's really interested in me. Did you notice she didn't take her eyes off you all the time you was talkin' about me?

[Barney has been discouraging Rafe from attending the singing auditions at town hall]
Andy: Now... now, why don't you take Rafe over there and have him sing for 'em?
Barney: You want Rafe here to be embarrassed and humiliated? They want people up there with musical backgrounds.
Andy: Well, it was just an idea.
Barney: [to Rafe] That don't mean you have to stop singing, Rafe. You just go ahead and do it. You sing in a bathtub, don't you?
[Rafe nods]
Barney: Well, you can go right ahead and do that.
Rafe: [to Andy] Can I ask a question?
Andy: What is it, Rafe?
Rafe: What time are these here tryouts?
Andy: Right about now, I guess. Why?
Rafe: I'm goin' over there.
Barney: Huh?
Rafe: Well, I reckon since they ain't never around when I'm takin' a bath, I best go on over there.

Pete: Howdy. I am, uh... I'm Pete Johnson.
Ellie: I'm Ellie Walker. I'm pleased to meet you.
Pete: I know.

Andy: Boy, things got as little rough there for a minute, huh, Barn?
Deputy: [struggling to save face] Uh-uh. Well, no. I just... just bidin' m' time, waiting for an opening.
Andy: I don't know why I even bothered to show up.
Deputy: Oh, no, Andy, don't... don't underestimate your contribution. You're all right.
Andy: I appreciate that.

Deputy: Otis, this happens to be a form of art. Now, you get interested in this and I guarantee it will cure your problem.
Otis: Who says I want to cure it?

Jennie: How come you give me the real hard ones?
Andy: 'Cause you're a lady.

Rose: And in the mornin', I want you to eat all your cereal and don't leave half the milk.
Opie: Okay. I won't leave half the milk.
Rose: Good boy.
Opie: I'll leave ALL the milk.

Sheriff: I'm talkin' about the the Underprivileged Children's Drive.
Opie: Oh. They collected for that at school, Pa.
Sheriff: Oh, I know they did. Oh, I know they did. And when they called your name, you gave the large, generous amount of three cents. My, that is big of you, Diamond Jim.
Opie: Did I give 'em too much, Pa?
Sheriff: Too much?
Opie: I could ask 'em to give back two cents.

Otis: Barney! Barney! My cell is filled with women!

Sheriff: Well, it just can't be, that's all.
Tom: What can't be?
Sheriff: Well, YOU can't be, Tom. You're gone.
Tom: I WAS gone, but I come back.
Sheriff: But you can't come BACK, not after you're GONE. It-it just ain't decent.

Rafe: I woulda greased m' shoes, but every time I do that, the cats all follow me.

Clarence: [seeing a dog leave the jail cell] A plainclothesman, I presume.

Barney: Who ever heard of a room you couldn't cook in? Six dollars a week, and what do I get? Heartaches, nothin' but heartaches!

Andy: It don't take courage to be a winner. It DOES take courage to be a good loser. Now, you wanna be a good loser, you'll be proud of your friends that DID win and you'll congratulate 'em for it.
Opie: I won't.
Andy: You won't?
Opie: They ain't my friends. They beat me and they got my medal.

Opie: You ever been scared, Pa? Really scared?
Andy: Yeah. Boy, I remember one time when I was about your age, I climbed over this fence into this farmer's field and I come face-to-face with a great big ol' bull. And he had the meanest disposition and the longest horns.
Opie: What'd you do, Pa?
Andy: Oh, I'd say about 60 miles a hour. Anything less and I mighta had my pride punctured.

Briscoe: [as they wait for Ernest T to show up] Ya bring your stringin' instrument, Sheriff?
Sheriff: Oh, I didn't think we'd have time for music.
Briscoe: You got time to breathe, you got time for music. How many strings you used to?
Sheriff: There they's are six on my guitar.
Briscoe: Well, here's one with five. Just kinda let that thumb hang free and enjoy the music.
PFC Dudley A. 'Dud' Wash: Hey, how 'bout playing "Never Hit Your Grandma With A Great Big Stick?"
Charlene: Aw, Dud, that makes me cry.

Barney: Oh, Andy, everything's breakin' loose. First, Mrs. Tillman has an apple pie stolen from her window. Now, Jess Crawford just reported a chicken thief. It's a regular reign of terror!

Andy: [finding Barney on the ground about to show Opie a leg muscle exercise] Uh, what's the matter, Barney? Too many green apples?

Andy: [mockingly] Ben, you know you're smart. You're smart to make people believe that you're a skinflint and a mean, old tightwad, 'cause if they ever found out how sweet and kind you really are, they'd take advantage of ya.
Ben: [darkly] You'll be sorry.

Sheriff: [menacingly backing Goober up against the gun case] Now Goober, I'm gonna run on home, because if I don't, I'm liable to start hollerin'. And when I'm done hollerin', I'm liable to take down one of these guns and shoot you, you understand?
Goober: [Terrified] Yo!

Barney: Now to the average person, this might just look like a back room, but if these walls could talk...
Andy: If these walls could talk, they'd probably say "This ain't nothin' but a back room."

Barney: It won't work.
Andy: What won't work?
Barney: You and Peg. That's what won't work. Andy, I hate to have to tell you this but you're gonna have to give her up. Forget about her. Nip it. Nip it in the bud.
Andy: What're you talkin' about?
Barney: You want me to spell it out for ya, huh? All right, I will. Andy, she is one of the rich, and they are different.
Andy: Oh, come on.
Barney: No, no, no. They are. They're different. From the minute they're born with that silver spoon in their hands...
Andy: Mouth.
Barney: Right... life is different. They have a couple of nurses and they have a nanny.
Andy: Two nurses and a goat?

Opie: If I got to play with a girl on Saturday, I'd just as soon be in school.

Flora: Goober, don't tell me you're going to eat again. This'll be your third meal today. It's not even noon-time yet.

Deputy: Gentlemen, I give you science in action, proof positive the camera does not lie. It sees all, tells all. THERE is your criminal!
[Slams picture from security camera on desk, only to discover it's a picture he accidentally shot of himself setting up the device]
Deputy: [Aghast] Well, it's ME!
Gomer: You take a real good picture, Barney. Me, I never do.

Andy: I just had a thought. You know what? I'll bet you that Aunt Bee might just be willin' to teach you how to dance. Aunt Bee?
Aunt: I'll be back in half an hour with some dance records.
[rushes out the door]
Opie: She sure got ready in a hurry.

Barney: Losin' to a woman. Jiminy. It's the end of an era.

Sheriff: Oh, I don't carry a gun, but my deputies do.

Barney: All right, is everybody set back there?
Opie: I'm all set.
Aunt: I'm all set.
Gomer: I'm all set.
Barney: How 'bout the front seat?
Thelma: I'm all set.
Andy: I'm all set.
Gomer: Hope I don't get carsick.
Barney: [quickly but insistently] Opie, you trade places with Gomer. I want him near a window.

Aunt: [having heard from Sarah, the town switchboard operator, about Bill Medwin's "girlfriends"] Well, I don't know what kind of girls they are, but from their names they sound like chorus girls or such. Tiger Lil, Brown-eyed Mary, Lindy Lou.
Sheriff: They are kind of strange names, for a fact.
Aunt: And they stay up lates, too. Something Sarah said about Tiger Lil not coming home until ten to one, and Brown-eyed Mary not till eight to five.
Sheriff: Kind of an odd time.
Aunt: And that's not the worst. Lindy Lou didn't show at all. Don't know how he could stand it. She was supposed to go to his place and she didn't even show.

Andy: I warned 'em earlier today on a 9-0-7.
John: Dipping a hat in a horse trough.
Andy: Right.

[while railing at Andy over taking their inspection seriously, Barney accidentally locks them both in their own jail cell]
Andy: Barney! You beat everything!

Aunt: As my instructor says, I've already flown further than Orville Wright.

Clara: Bee, I'm speaking to you as a friend when I say it may be time that you opened your eyes and thought about getting married - for everybody's sake.

Sheriff: Hi Floyd, how about a haircut?
Floyd: Got an appointment?
Sheriff: Since when do I need an appointment?
Floyd: Since about 11:30 this mornin'.

Barney: There's nothing to fear but fear itself.

Sheriff: Somewhere wandering loose around Mayberry is... A loaded goat.

Barney: You were surprised, weren't ya?
Andy: Yeah, but I'm not anymore.

Mayor: My wife and I were just talking. "Andy's got to make a free, fair choice," we said.
Andy: Well, now, that's a breath of fresh air, I can tell you that.
Mayor: You won't be getting any pressure from us, Andy. We don't care which of our three daughters you pick.
Andy: Well, now that leaves the field wide open, don't it?

Sam: There he is. There's the weak-kneed, chicken-livered, yella-streak turncoat.
Barney: Now look, Sam. You got something to say, say it.

Barney: I was almost out to the car and... Well, I got to rememberin' another time, a few years back, when another mayor of our town accused you of havin' a harebrained idea. Remember that? That was when you had the idea of making me your deputy.

Andy: Not exactly a cow. You're lookin' at what happens when a nearsighted man tries to put shoes on an ornery old bull.

Jim: Hey, you know somethin'? I'd rather be arrested by you folks than anybody I know.

Sheriff: That just proves that opposites attract.
Goober: Attract what?
Sheriff: Each other.
Goober: Oh! Well, when I get married, I'm gonna marry exactly the same kinda woman I am. That ain't gonna be easy to find, ya know.

Floyd: Maude! Al! If those hamburgers are ruined, I won't be responsible!

Andy: Why don't you get a job and go to work? It's not hard.
Jeff: You think stealin's easy?

Andy: The last thing that I'd wanna do is to force you to do somethin' that I said I wouldn't force you to do. Although, I really would appreciate it if you went.
Opie: You mean you're forcing me?
Andy: I wish you wouldn't say that. It's just that I'm asking you to consider it.
Opie: Okay.
Andy: You'll go?
Opie: No. I'll consider it like you said.
Andy: Well?
Opie: I ain't goin'.

Sheriff: [answering phone call] Yes, Mrs. Vickers... no ma'am, that's just blastin' on the underpass... yes ma'am, we're still holdin' onto Richmond.

Daphne: Well, he may be cheap but he's sincere.

Mrs. Dennis: And what a marvelous Idea, having him appear dressed that way. It made his selection so much more authentic. Mr. Hollister, will you favor us with another selection?
Rafe: [to Andy] Want to?
Andy: Why not?
[starts playing his guitar]

Opie: A penny hit by lightnin's worth six cents.
Andy: Who told you that?
Opie: Nat Pike told me.
Aunt: Oh, Nat Pike is always telling Opie the craziest things.
Andy: And you believe him?
Opie: Sure!
Aunt: Well, I wouldn't put much stock in what Nat Pike tells you.
Opie: Why not?
Aunt: Well for one thing, he's only four years old.
Opie: He may be young, but he's been around plenty.

Aunt: I hate making excuses to the Reverend for Opie not being in church.
Andy: Did he say somethin'?
Aunt: No, he's very subtle about these things. He just said it was nice to see most of us.

Neal: Hi-ho, Silver! Away!

Emma: I don't need a doctor! All I need is my pills! Now gimme my pills!

Ernest T. Bass: How do you do Mrs. Wi-i-ley?

Andy: Now, they're all legitimate government deductions. Besides, you know what they say, "Can't take it with you."
Barney: Take it WITH me? They keep nibblin' at me like this, I'll be lucky if I get to go myself.

Andy: Anything happen is school today?
Opie: Johnny Paul dropped his bacon and tomato sandwich on the playground.
Aunt: Oh, what a shame.
Opie: You should've seen it after it got stepped on a few times.
Andy: Stepped on? Didn't anybody see it lyin' there?
Opie: We all did. We took turns jumpin' on it.

Aunt: Well how did all these stories get started?
Clara: That's here too. "Both sides realized that the true story of the battle would be a sorry tale to tell their womenfolk, so the story of the bloody Battle of Mayberry was conceived and born after the last shot had been fired."

Barney: All I'm saying is that there are some things beyond the ken of mortal man that shouldn't be tampered with. We don't know everything, Andy. There's plenty goin' on right now in the Twilight Zone that we don't know anything about and I think we oughta stay clear.

Aunt: Anything wrong?
Andy: Afraid so.
Aunt: Why? What happened?
Andy: Well, it looks like Opie's gettin' hisself in the habit of stretchin' the truth a little out of shape.
Aunt: Opie lying? Oh, I can't believe it.
Andy: Sure looks like it.
Aunt: Well, what're you going to do?
Andy: I ain't got much choice. Looks like, to me, he's in for a whippin'.
Aunt: Oh, Andy.

Andy: When a man carries a gun all the time, the respect he thinks he's gettin' might really be fear. So I don't carry a gun because I don't want the people of Mayberry to fear a gun. I'd rather they would respect me.

Barney: This could be the beginning of a whole new life for us. Social contacts, and think of the business contacts.
Andy: Well I don't know about that. Considering the line of work we're in, I don't know how many folks would want to do business with us.

Howard: [writing his column for the paper] See how this sounds: Although this reporter was assigned to cover today's Mayberry - Mt. Pilot baseball game, he must admit frankly that he has very little knowledge of baseball. However, after witnessing this game, it appears that more important than the knowledge of baseball is the knowledge of people. For instance, why does a man take on a job as umpire and expose himself to all kinds of abuse? I know why one man in particular did it...
Aunt: [reading the column] His reason was because he was asked to as a favor. He wasn't particularly anxious to do it because his son happened to be playing on the team and he didn't want to run the risk of being completely impartial...
Goober: [continuing to read the column] It seems to me that once a man is asked to handle a job like that, any decisions he makes, right or wrong, should be accepted in the spirit in the spirit of good sportsmanship...
Helen: [finishing reading the column] If any of you critics want the job of umpire at next year's game, let him speak up loud and clear. Frankly, I don't think we'll get too many offers.

Andy: [Andy has just entered to courthouse, only to be greeted by the shouts and protests of the incarcerated civilians of Mayberry] Well no wonder it's quiet in town, the whole population is in here!

Andy: Ah... folks, uh, in order to judge a beauty contest I-I think it's good to know what beauty really is. Now, they-they's outside beauty - I guess we can all see that, aheh - and then they's inside beauty.
Henrietta: Sheriff, are you gonna name the winner or not?
Andy: I-I'm goin' to, ma'am. I'm goin' to right now. Miss, uh, Bishop, would you bring up the robe please? Thank ya. Wait, wait, Miss Bishop, wait. Folks, to present to you the most logical choice, most obvious choice and in fact the only choice, I present to you her royal highness, Miss Mayberry... Miss Erma Bishop. For doin' such a beautiful job with this here pageant and just behavin' beautifully through the whole thing, I crown thee, Miss Mayberry.
[contestant losers all burst out crying, save one...]
Ellie: Andy, it WAS the best choice.
Andy: Well, maybe I better see if I can stop this cryin' jag.

Andy: Darlene, the kitchen's right through that door, if that's what you're gropin' for.

[repeated line]
Briscoe: More power to you.

Barney: Well, I guess to sum it up, you could say, there's three reasons why there's so little crime in Mayberry. There's Andy, and there's me, and
[patting gun]
Barney: baby makes three.

Andy: There's one thing I can't stand's a pushy sheriff.

Andy: Now, Barn, outside of that meetin' we got with the commissioner, we're-we're really off duty, you know?
Barney: Off duty? Huh. Now, when is a lawman REALLY off duty?

Barney: I think it's only fair to warn you that if you keep on gettin' into trouble and breakin' the law, it can only lead to one thing, incarceration. Now I know none of you likes the idea of being incarcerated. The idea does scare you a little bit, doesn't it?
Opie: Yeah, and we don't even know what it means.

Howard: Now with Goober being a mechanic and all, you'd assume he'd be a careful driver. But people say when he takes a girl out, he drives with one hand. I happen to know that's not true. He uses both hands, and drives with his feet.

Otis: [speaking of a mosaic he created] I find I do my best work when I'm just a little gassed.
Deputy: Oh, Otis.
Otis: Oh, don't act so sad. Now I've got two hobbies.

Skippy: Bye, Burney!

Mayor: Well, I'll admit they sound better'n they did last year...
Andy: There ya are, boys!
Mayor: ...but they are still the most disgusting band I have ever heard in all my life.

George: If he's a professional handyman, how come his hands are so soft?

Aunt: Did you like the white beans you had for supper?
Andy: Mm-hmm.
Aunt: Well, you didn't say anything.
Andy: Well, I ate four bowls. If that ain't a tribute to white beans, I don't know what is.
Aunt: Well...
Andy: Eatin' speaks louder than words.
Aunt: You know, your education was worth every penny of it.

Barney: There's nothing worse than a wine-o on a cryin' jag.

Opie: Maybe we should get a larger cage. They need a bigger place.
Andy: Yeah, that's what they need alright. They need a bigger place. They need a *real* bigger place.
Opie: You mean, turn 'em loose?

Andy: The tax on that could amount to over a thousand dollars.
Mr. Heathcote,: Oh yes, definitely!
Andy: You seem to enjoy your work.
Mr. Heathcote,: I love my work, Mr. Taylor.

Barney: Throw the book at 'em.
Andy: Wouldn't do any good. Jennie'd just pick it up and throw it back at Fred.

Opie: Watch out for the Red Baron.

Floyd: [talking about his date, Ms. Madison] She said she was staying... for a week! She wants to stay with me and my boys... now can I go to Nashville?

Big: Why'd you open the door?
Deputy: Uh, I-I can't stand crowded ballrooms.
Big: [laughs] You're a treasure!

Andy: I'd like your professional opinion about something. Suppose Barney were to get into a fight with another fella. Could he handle himself?
Mr. Izamoto: Very hard question. How much does other fellow weigh?
Andy: Hmm, 200 pounds.
Mr. Izamoto: Are you a friend of Barney's?
Andy: Yes, very good friend.
Mr. Izamoto: Then you stop that fight. That man kill Barney!
Andy: I see.
Mr. Izamoto: Around here, you know, we call Barney "the chicken".
Andy: Afraid, huh?
Mr. Izamoto: Oh no, not afraid. He got bones like chicken, weak bones. They snap.

Sheriff: Aunt Bee, the only thing that's ever been kept in that freezer's a dead mouse. And he climbed in there to get warm.

Andy: You have to understand somethin', Aunt Bee. Among folks that love each other, like WE do, nothin' can be best for us unless it's best for you.

[Floyd and Barney, having run out of gas and looking to borrow some, come upon the mountain cabin of wealthy Mr. O'Malley]
Deputy: [shouting to see if anyone's home] O'Malley? Charlie!
Floyd: [aghast] You shouldn't call a rich man by his first name.
Deputy: [to Floyd] The bigger they are, the nicer they are.
Deputy: [shouting again] Hey, Chuck! It's me, Barney Fife!

Andy: What are you doing?
Barney: Gun-drawing practice, ten minutes every day. If I ever have to use this baby, I want to teach it to come to papa in a hurry.

Ernest T. Bass: [yelling at Malcom Merriweather] I'm warning you! Now today is Thursday. If you're still here on... what's the day after Thursday?
Floyd: Uh Friday.
Ernest T. Bass: Right. If you're still here on Friday, which is the day after Thursday, I'll WHOOP the fire outta you.

Andy: [Opie has just explained that he's afraid Andy might not love him any more, with Peggy in the picture] I want to tell you something, Ope, and I want you to listen REAL careful, cause this is important. You're my young 'un, and I love you more than anything or anybody in the whole world, and nothing or nobody can ever change that. You know, it's... it's hard for me to tell you just how much you do mean to me, cause you're a part of me.
Opie: Then why do you want Peggy around so much?
Andy: Well, because she's... she's fun to be with, and she's nice to have for a friend.
Opie: But you've got a good friend, you've got Barney.
Andy: Well, that's... that's a little different. Well, you may not understand this right now, but sometime you will. You see, Ope, a... a... a man needs the companionship of a... a fine young woman. Somebody he can, he can be with, and talk to, talk about pretty things, you know, take places, to a picture show, and to a dance, and... now can you see me taking Barney to the dance?
[They both laugh]
Andy: I can't take Barney to a dance--he's too short.

Goober: Look how pale his cheeks are. Your cheeks have always been rosy red!
Andy: They have not been rosy red.
Goober: Howard, hasn't had his cheeks always been rosy red?
Howard: While I've always felt that while Andy's complexion isn't ruddy by nature usually he has more color than he has right now.
Goober: Can't you ever just say yes or no?

Opie: If I play on a piano that's out of tune, my ear might go bad.

Barney: [concerned about Floyd's cut of his sideburns] Andy.
Sheriff: Mm.
Barney: Look at this.
Sheriff: Look at what?
Barney: Can't ya see? They ain't even.
Sheriff: Well, I'll be dogged, you're right.
Barney: Doggone, I knew it. I told him.
Sheriff: One ear IS longer than the other.
Barney: You're almost as funny as Floyd, you know that? Why don't you two team up and call yourselves Frick and Frack!

Aunt: Make Opie change. His bottom is ripped.

Barney: I'll tell you one thing, you're gettin' the best salesman in Mayberry.
Ben: Uh-uh. Second best.
Barney: Huh? Well, who's the best?
Ben: You oughta know. You're workin' for 'im.

Ernest T. Bass: Wrong or right I'm here to fight. Unless you run away with fright. And if you wonder who I be, it's me it's me, it's Ernest T. Whoo hoo.

Andy: How'd you do it, Barney? How did you nail him? Did he rush you? Well, say somethin'! Well, what's the matter, Barney?
Barney: I swallowed my gum.

Emmett: It doesn't have to be ranch mink. Wherever they grow up is okay with me.

Emma: Aye, Sheriff, I come to report a murder.
Sheriff: A murder?
Emma: That's right.
Sheriff: Somebody's been murdered?
Emma: Yes.
Sheriff: Who.
Emma: Me!
Sheriff: You?
Emma: Yes, and I'll tell you who done it! That lady druggist, that's who!
Sheriff: Miss, uh, Miss Walker?
Emma: She's the one. Now, Sheriff, go arrest her. Do your duty.
Sheriff: Well, now, Emma, they's... they's just the teensiest little technicality involved here. You ain't quite dead yet.

Aunt: Well, do you know the only reason he doesn't carry a gun is because it makes him feel too heavy on one side.

Andy: Goob, did anybody ever tell you you've got a big mouth?
Goober: Yeah, but I don't pay no attention to 'em.

Barney: Andy, I, uh... I never have interfered in your family life, have I?
Andy: Huh?
Barney: Oh, I mean, I-I never interfere in anything that goes on between you and Ope, right?
Andy: Right.
Barney: I mean, if there's one thing I can't stand, it's family interferers.
Andy: Me, too.
Barney: You know, a man ought to raise his child in his own way without any outside interferers. It's his son, it's his business, and everybody else ought to just stay out of it.
Andy: Yeah, that's true.
Barney: But I got to tell you you just made a mistake with your boy.

Barney: You know, it's a good thing she ain't campaignin' for folks to get their eyes examined.
Andy: How's that?
Barney: One kiss on your jaw and we'd all be wearin' glasses.
Andy: Oh, now, come on, Barney. I mean...
Barney: If she ever kissed you on the mouth, we'd all have to have our appendix taken out.
Andy: You're a nut.
Barney: Well, you're a dear.

Sheriff: She think's he's from Boston.
Deputy: Boston?
Sheriff: Yeah.
Deputy: Andy, you did that good a job or Mrs. Wiley's a nut.

[the Darlings are discussing the song they are going to play at Charlene's wedding]
Briscoe: How 'bout "Don't Hit Your Grandma with a Great Big Stick"?
Charlene: No, Paw, That one makes me cry!

Barney: How are you gonna teach kids respect for the law if they read that kind of stuff?
Andy: Barney, "Robin Hood" is one of the most popular kids' stories there is around. It's harmless.
Barney: Oh yeah, How do you know how many criminals got started by readin' "Robin Hood"? How do you know it wasn't read by Jesse James or Dillinger, or Jack the Ripper? How do you know that?
Andy: I don't know that, but I know this.
Barney: What?
Andy: That vein in your neck's stickin' out.

Dud: Where's my 'darlin' person'? There she is!
[grabs Charlene and begins hugging and kissing her]
Charlene: Dud! Stop it!
Dud: Aw. c'mon Charlene!
Briscoe: Stop that, boy! We got other things to do. Try to control them hot flashes.

Barney: Always had a nose for news.
Andy: That's right, Ope. Actually, Barney's nose came first and then he kinda grew around it.

Andy: Do you think we ought to get married before or after the coffee?
Karen: Well, I believe in long engagements myself, so let's make it after.

Barney: Now, this is a chart of Nathan Tibb's family tree.
Andy: Where'd you get this?
Barney: Over at the library.
Andy: You mean, this whole thing was in the library?
Barney: Well, not the whole thing. Just the start of it. The rest I deduced.
Andy: Oh, you deduced?
Barney: Yeah. It deduces right out to me. Me, Barney Fife. I almost started to cry right in the library.

Deputy: You'll never guess what's happened. Something big.
Sheriff: Well, what is it?
Deputy: Biggest thing ever happened in Mayberry. REAL big. Big. BIG big.
Sheriff: Well, now-now just simmer down, Barney. What is it?
Deputy: Well, I'm tryin' to tell ya.
Sheriff: Well, so far, all I know is it's something big.
Deputy: Oh, "big" ain't the word for it.

Andy: Where'd you get the dog?
Opie: He followed me, Pa. Followed me everywhere I went.
Andy: He did? What you doin' with a rope on him?
Opie: Well, that helped him follow me.

Andy: I'll get Goober. I'll get Goober. He's not busy, he never is.

Andy: Barney, you want my honest opinion? I don't believe that dog can find his own food dish.

Barney: There's nothing worse than a wino on a crying jag.

Andy: I declare Barney, there you are, as cool as the center seed of a cumber, and you just brought in the most wanted man in the whole county.

Jennifer: I had no idea there were so many Moslems in Mayberry.
[Said to her sister after a sale of their 'elixir' to a customer presumed to have claimed his religion was Muslim]

Jim: What'd you expect me to do, come back to my own hometown and say "Come on, folks, come look at your hometown failure."
Andy: I think you kinda underestimatin' your friends a little.
Jim: Whadda you mean?
Andy: Wasn't you treated pretty good before you left, and you wasn't a big star or nothin'? Why should folks think any less of ya now?

Otis: [banging on the door of the locked courthouse] Innkeeper! Innkeeper! Innkeeper!

Barney: Yeah, Sam, I did my part in helpin' to whip the dreaded hun.

Opie: [to Barney] Pa and I went to see a movie. Gregory Peck was in it.
Barney: [mumbling] Swell. swell.
Opie: It sure was swell.
Barney: [turning his face to reveal lipstick marks all over his face from his romantic billing and cooing with Thelma Lou; very annoyed] I HEARD!
Opie: [alarmed] Pa! Pa! Barney's face is bleeding!
Barney: It's NOT blood!

Deputy: What's the matter with you, Norbert? What kind of drivin' you call that anyways? I oughta write you a citation for speedin', reckless drivin', and failure to observe an officer. What's the matter with you? You...
[turns to Opie]
Deputy: You better go back inside, Ope. You're a cramp on my language.
[Opie leaves]
Deputy: You know what you are, don't you Norbert?

Andy: Goodbye, goodbye. Partin' is such sweet sorrow that I would say goodbye till it be morrow.
Opie: What's THAT mean?
Andy: Well, that means I'd love to set and jaw with ya awhile longer, but I got to be a-movin' on.

Briscoe: [after a fat lady walks by] You're for certain right. Too big a mouth to feed.

Otis: I've been thinkin' about the big, long speech I can make here, then I got to studying about how that was all wrong. See, I don't deserve this award. I didn't do nothin'. Bein' descended from a hero don't make YOU one. Shucks, a man can't take credit just for being born; so, I want to give this to Mayor Pike to accept for the town of Mayberry, of which I am proud to be its citizen.

Briscoe: [serenading Aunt Bee] Low and lonely, sad and blue / Thinking only, of little you / Always tryin', to keep from cryin' / I'm low and lonely over you.

[after a haircut at Floyd's]
Andy: Floyd.
Floyd: What's the matter?
Andy: My sideburns.
Floyd: Your sideburns - what's the matter with your sideburns?
Andy: Why, they're both even.
Floyd: Well, I'll be dogged. How'd that happen?
Andy: I declare, Floyd, I believe you're getting the hang of it. And looka there - they're the right length and everything.

Deputy: Andy, these people are making a fool out of the word "security." The bank guard is a joke. Look at him! Cash drawers are left open, the vault is open...
Sheriff: Barney, you're getting all steamed up over this. Why don't you just take the rest of the day off? Go on over to the drugstore and have a nice lunch. The businessman's special is a hollowed-out tomato stuffed with avocado and raisins. And it's gooooood, too. And top things off with a lemon phosphate, and you're right in business.

Opie: What are we havin' for supper?
Sheriff: Well, you and Aunt Bee's havin' fried chicken, and I'm havin' crow.

Sheriff: That's what you saw. Glenn Ford in G-Men. Now you're gonna Glenn Ford it all over town.

Andy: The last thing you remember was takin' a drink of water out of the cooler?
Barney: That was it, Andy. Next thing I know, it's Happy New Year.
Andy: I had a drink of water out of that cooler this morning and...
Andy: Otis!
Andy: He spiked the spring water!

Opie: First you say don't break a solemn promise. Now you say it's okay to break a solemn promise. You're sure mixin' me up, pa.

Opie: You wouldn't like to sorta let me pass by your street today for free, would ya?
Sheldon: Why should I?
Opie: Well, then I could give Pa back a nickel I sorta owe him.
Sheldon: Who's stoppin' ya?
Opie: Well, If I give him back his nickel, and I have to give you a nickel for passin' by your street, I ain't gonna have no nickel for milk, and boy, Sheldon, it ain't easy gettin' a peanut butter and jelly sandwich down dry.

Howard: In Mayberry, there are three main forms of communication: telephone, telegraph, and tell Floyd.

Opie: [as Mr. Tucker leaves] Hey, Mr. Tucker, you aren't gonna leave, are ya?
Malcolm: I have to, son.
Opie: Aw, rats! If you were staying, I was gonna get to sleep on the ironing board between two chairs.
Malcolm: Sounds terrible.
Opie: No it ain't - that's adventure sleeping!

Arnold: Taylor, I've never known a kid yet who could win in a man-to-man talk.

Barney: I see what you did wrong now.
Andy: Huh?
Barney: You was holdin' the knife in the wrong hand.
Andy: Oh, I'm sorry. I'll try to be more considerate next time I attack you.

Andy: Hey, remember Miss von Roder?
Barney: Oh, the beast of the fourth floor? Remember when we put ink in her thermos bottle?
Andy: Tack in her chair?
Barney: Yeah, then we put that garter snake in her desk drawer.
Andy: Yeah.
Barney: Boy, she sure was mean.

Goober: I just played dumb. I know how to do that real good, you know.
Andy: Yeah, I know.

[the Darlings have come to Andy for help with Ernest T. Bass]
Sheriff: Well, can't you and your boys handle him?
Briscoe: Well, we thought about killin' him. Kinda hated to go that far.

Deputy: [to Ernest T. Bass] I wouldn't marry you if you were the last man on Earth.

Barney: [aiming to swear in Otis and Gomer as deputies] I realize that some of ya have family responsibilities, and if for that reason - or any other - you feel this mission is too dangerous and you wanna pull out, all right. You're free to walk right out that door.
[closes eyes, lowers head, and stands pointing at the courthouse door]
Barney: [Otis and Gomer slowly look to each other, then Otis, followed by Gomer, head for the door]
Barney: HOLD IT! Get... back... here.
[Gomer and Otis sadly comply]
Barney: Now, you get them hands up. You're both gonna be deputies whether you like it or not.

Andy: Because whether a man is guilty or innocent, we have to find that out by due process of law.
Arnold: [to Opie] Sure do it the hard way, don't they.

Andy: Well Frank, if you've got some valuables in there, maybe there's somethin' you could sell and raise some money on.
Frank: Sell my valuables? N - No, I'd hate to do that unless it was a real big emergency.
Andy: Frank, you've just been thrown outta your house. I'd call that an emergency.
Frank: Well... yeah, you got a point there.

Orville: Sheriff, in your time of need, it might be a comfort to know that Monroe's Mortuary is ready to serve. We all know the great loss that you... you... Barney, you're still with us.

Barney: Boy, giraffes are selfish. Just run around lookin' after number one, gettin' hit by lightning.

Ernest T. Bass: I already know the front part of the alphabet: A, B, C, F, L, G - I know other letters, but not in a row like that.

Emmett: I think it's a man's duty to serve when he's called.
Goober: Well who called you?

The: I don't know much about these things. What should I call you? Sergeant? Lieutenant?
Deputy: No. No, nothing like that. No, y-you can just uh,
[clears throat]
Deputy: call me by my name
The: How nice. And What is your name?
Deputy: It's... uh... it's uh... it's Fife!... Bernard P. Fife l... Well, Bernard Fife... Deputy Fife... B-Barney Fife! That's it. Barney Fife's my name.

Opie: [in a third father/son discussion] Well, I've been doin' a lot of thinkin'.
Andy: Good for the head.
Opie: And I was wondering if, by any chance, you might need a person to clean the garage and do odd jobs around.
Andy: You know, it's funny you should ask at this time. They happens to be a recent vacancy in that department.
Opie: Oh, boy!
Andy: Well, what person did you have in mind?
Opie: Opie Taylor.
Andy: Uh-huh.
Opie: I'm sorry about the way I acted, Pa.
Andy: Mm, what's done's done. Well, let's see, uh, cleaning out the garage, hauling out the ashes, setting the table, that ought to be worth about, oh, say, uh... 25¢ a week. Okay?
Opie: Sounds fine to me, Pa.

Goober: Momma said I didn't talk till I was five years old.
Aunt: Five?
Goober: I guess I didn't have anything to say.

Opie: A haircut and a bath in one day. Pa, what am I bein' punished for?

Briscoe: Tell me somethin, what was that thing you had layin' there twixt the taters and the black-eyed peas?
Aunt: The steak?
Briscoe: Mouthwaterin'! I gotta learn what kind of animal you chomp that off of.

Barney: I'm sick of the whole thing, too. You try to bring two people together and what do you get? Heartaches!

Barney: I ain't gonna stand in no stag line with Old Man Perkins and a bunch of slumped-over teenagers!

Briscoe: [to Andy, suggesting the next song for them to sing] How 'bout, uh, "Will You Love Me When I'm Old and Ugly?"?
Charlene: [Protesting] Oh, no, Pa, that one makes the baby cry.

Goober: I understand the grocery business has really picked up. People are ordering food just to see the races.

Sheriff: Hey, Barn, does the number 13 bother you?
Deputy: I'm not crazy about it but it don't bother me.

Aunt: Could've at least said goodbye. Well, I guess that's how it is with these drifters. They just get the urge and they go. Pity they're so restless, unable to stay in one place for long. They miss so much.

Opie: A sandwich sure tastes better with milk.

Sheriff: It won't take her long to find out there's no work for her. I'll give her twenty-four hours - but while she's here she sure is pretty to look at, ain't she? Yeah? Kinda like a calendar come to life.

Goober: Andy, I suppose there's changes in every man's life, huh?
Andy: Oh, well...
Goober: I mean in his business life. Things ain't supposed to stay the same.
Andy: Oh, oh, oh, well no. I mean right here. Floyd decides he's got enough money and wants to retire, Emmett moves right in.
Emmett: Yup, I decided to stop operating in my own house and move right here in the midtown!

[last lines]
Barney: You know, seeing all those people you knew as kids growing older... kind of makes you sad.
Andy: Yeah, I know. Do the tears upon your pillow bespeak the pain that's in your heart?
Barney: Yeah.
Andy: Me, too.

Andy: No, Barn. That's... that's not what I had in mind. That's not what I had in mind at aaaaaaall.

Andy: Well, Ellie May, I say, behind that pretty face, you got a awful handsome brain?

Andy: [examing Gomer's purchases] Let's see... new socks...
Gomer: You don't think they're too porous, do you?
Andy: Huh?
Gomer: I'd hate for my leg hairs to poke through!

Andy: Barney, I'll tell you the truth, you are a bird in this world.

Barney: I don't know how I can face the future when I know there's eight quarts of these pickles in it.

Otis: Andy, can we go now? I don't ever wanna see The Rock again.

Barney: Oh, it's gonna be a red-letter day in Mayberry if the whole Ladies Aid Church Committee gets crocked.

Helen: [Discovering Andy and Barney with the "Fun Girls" in the jail] Well! You seem to be getting a better class of prisoner!

Barney: Adios, amigo.
Briscoe: [to Andy] He one of ours?
Andy: Oh, sure.
Briscoe: [to Barney] More power to ya.

Opie: Guess where I been?
Andy: I give up. Where?
Opie: A can't tell ya, but you know what I did? I joined a club.
Andy: What club is that?
Opie: I can't tell ya.

Opie: [in describing Mr. McBeevee] The only thing is, when he walks he sort of jingles.
Barney: He jingles?
Opie: Just like he had rings on his fingers and bells on his toes.
Barney: [clearing throat] Well, course, uh, he don't REALLY have rings on his fingers and bells on his toes, now does he, Ope?
Opie: No. Just sounds that way.
Barney: [relieved] That's right.
Opie: The jinglin' is really from all the things hangin' on his belt.
Barney: What things?
Opie: His hands. His twelve extra hands.
Barney: He has twelve... extra hands and they... jingle.
Opie: And he can make smoke come out of his ears.

Andy: You ought to be ashamed of yourself, Luke, actin' like a young'un. Bad enough you was shootin' at Barney and me, but takin' pot shots at a total stranger? You know better'n that. What's the matter with you?

[Andy and Barney have just been called to calm the Boones]
Barney: Now, Jennie, put that cup down! Put it down RIGHT NOW!

Briscoe: Briscoe: I can take a bossy mouth, but I ain't about to be beat to death with no spoon.

Andy: Well, now, Barney, I doubt that Otis is goin' to do any talkin'. He seems mighty set on not helpin' us.
Otis: I wished I could, Andy, but it's a matter of ethics. Us town drunks have a code we live by.

Andy: [reading the analysis report] 85% alcohol! Phew! No wonder she was feelin' no pain.

[Andy and Barney are at the Darlings when a rock comes through the window]
Barney: What was that!
Andy: I think Ernest T. Bass is paying us another visit.
Briscoe: Ernest T. Bass! You're a low down skunk!
[Turns away from the window, then turns back]
Briscoe: Doggone ya!
Andy: Listen here, Ernest T. Bass! This is Sheriff Taylor! Go on home and leave these people alone! You're keepin' 'em awake!
Ernest T. Bass: Tell 'em to go back to bed! Charlene's the one I want to talk to!
Barney: Listen here, Ernest T. Bass! This is Deputy Fife! I'm armed and if you don't go home, I might just take a shot at you
[another rock come flying through the window]
Barney: Stop that!
[Another rock hits the window]
Briscoe: Sheriff, tell your deputy to be quiet before he gets us all stoned to death!

Ralph: Sheriff, I've inspected many a jail, but I've never seen one like this.
Andy: Why, thank ya.
Ralph: What I mean is, this jail doesn't even SEEM like a jail.
Andy: Well, now, I'm glad it hit cha that way. That's exactly the effect we was tryin' to achieve. Some of our prisoners have said that-that our cells are kinda like a home away from home.
Ralph: "Home away..."
Andy: Well, ya see, most of our prisoners are friends and neighbors and different ones like that, and, well, we figure that they've already met with some kind of misfortune somewhere else, and we don't wanna make it any more unpleasant for 'em than we can help.

Andy: Opie, Aunt Bee's comin' in this afternoon.
Opie: She is?
Andy: Yeah, I told her everythin' was in order. Can you imagine what she's gonna say when she sees the place lookin' like this?
Opie: Uh huh, she'll say,
[puts his hands on his hips]
Opie: "Land sakes alive! Look at this house, just look at it. If it wasn't for me, this house wouldn't be fit to live in."

Deputy: Andy, you can't let Otis go.
Sheriff: Well, I have to. His sentence is up.
Deputy: But he's the only prisoner we've got.
Sheriff: Well?
Deputy: Well, what are the state police gonna think when they get here and find we got an empty jail? They gonna think this is just a hick town where nothin' ever happens.
Sheriff: Well, now, you got to admit that-that's about the size of it.

Emma: NOT a deputy?
Barney: No!
Emma: Well! If you're not a deputy, you certainly had a lot of nerve arresting me for jaywalking!

Aunt: Oh, everybody's taken so much pride in the part their families played in the battle.
Clara: There's not too much pride in 50 settlers and 50 indians sittin' around gettin' gassed.

[Charlene ogles Andy]
Briscoe: Now, that's enough, Charlene. Back in the truck.
Charlene: Oh, Pa, can't I even look at the pretty man?

Briscoe: Dud, did you tell Ernest T. Bass the Sheriff wanted to see him?
Dud: I couldn't find him, Mr. Darlin'. His cousin said he went into the woods to kill a mockingbird.
Andy: He doesn't sound like a very nice person.
Briscoe: One of the worst we got.

Opie: Come on, Pa, get married. Be a good scout.

Opie: Gee Pa, the fishing's so good, can't we stay a little longer? Please.
Andy: We better scoot on home, get cleaned up. We... we got to do some shoppin' for Aunt Bee's birthday.
Opie: Just a little longer.
Andy: And there's the cake to get...
Opie: Cake? Yup, guess we better scoot.

Otis: Don't forget to wake me up Monday. That's the beginning of National Potato Week and I wanna celebrate.

Aunt: What would happen to the idea of his becoming a Supreme Court judge?
Andy: Well, he could still be the first Supreme Court judge that knows how to swing.

Barney: [while relaxing on the front porch after Sunday dinner] You know what I think I'm gonna' do?
Andy: What?
Barney: I'm gonna' go home, have me a little nap, and then go over to Thelma Lou's and watch a little TV.
Andy: Mmm-hmm.
Barney: Yeah, I believe that's what I'll do. Go home... have a nap... and then over to Thelma Lou's for TV.
Andy: Mmm.
Barney: Yep, that's the plan. Home... little nap... then...
Malcolm: [interrupting] For the love of Mike *do* it!
[shouts]
Malcolm: Do it! Just *do* it! Go take a nap, go to Thelma Lou's for TV, just *do it*!

Barney: Boy, you wouldn't notice a muddy elephant in the snow, would ya?
Andy: You tryin' to tell me Sam Becker's got a dirty elephant up to his place?

Briscoe: [talking about Aunt Bee with one of his sons] That woman's pantin' after me.

Barney: It's against the law to take the law into your own hands.

Barney: Gomer, get down there with them spiders and start workin'!

Andy: [having sung a sad song] Don't that clutch you?

Andy: Thelma Lou, you and Barney come on over to the house tonight and together we'll try to think of some way to keep him from showing up at that concert.
Thelma: Well, all right, but how?
Andy: Well, after supper, we'll... we'll take him in and set him down and talk to him, reason with him, explain it all to him, then we'll tie him up and put him in the closet.

Clara: Did you see him try to carve that turkey?
Floyd: A man on an operating table wouldn't have had a chance.

Andy: [after Bailey catches a fish] He caught hisself a big one.

Gomer: Shazam! The trap worked!

Barney: See, you've got a uvula, they've got a uvula, I got a uvula, all God's children got a uvula!
Andy: Hallelujah.

Convict: Al, honey, Naomi's making all the burgers medium-rare; as I recall, you like your burgers hard.
Deputy: No! Medium-rare!
Convict: You've changed!

Aunt: Barney, you haven't told us a thing about your trip.
Barney: What trip?... Oh! oh, the trip. Well it was just fine, fine. They were just pickled tink to see me.

Barney: Well, I'm sure glad she's taking up mushrooms. For a solid year I slept with a tire shredder in the next room.
Andy: Mushrooms are pretty quiet.

Barney: [Walks in wearing helmet, leather gloves, and a leather jacket] Mounted patrol checking in.
Andy: How are you Baron Von Richthofen?

Opie: Hm. He ain't so dumb.

Opie: [playing checkers] Your move, Pa.
Andy: I know it is. I'm just formulatin' my plan of attack - and I believe I've got 'er!
[makes a move]
Opie: Sure you wanna move there, Pa? I can jump ya.
Andy: Go right ahead. You'll fall in with my plans.
Opie: Okay. I jump HERE.
[Opie makes a jump but does not release his piece]
Andy: Now watch THIS.
Opie: I ain't finished, Pa. I also jump here, here, here, here and here.
[takes away six of Andy's pieces]
Opie: Got any plans NOW, Pa?
Andy: [smiling] Well, gee, I got plans to quit plannin' with you. You're a riverboat sharpie's what you are.

Opie: You a desperate hunter, Miss Ellie?
Ellie: Not really.
Opie: 'Cause I know where you can get yourself a possum.

Deputy: You work with a person long enough you get as goofy as he is!

Aunt: [talking to Briscoe Darling] Do you like pearl onions?
Briscoe: They twang my buds!

Andy: Would you come out now, Deputy? That-that room happens to be a single.

Barney: [trying to sound experienced while mixing ingredients] I think that can use a touch more plaster. I always like to make my moulages just a bit on the solid side.
Andy: [not buying it] I like to use a little egg white in mine. Makes 'em moister and fluffier.

Barney: Thought I'd heard everything, but I didn't hear everything, but I sure am hearin' it now!

Barney: Whenever you get an urge to drink, you call me. Night or day. Whenever you get that temptation, you call me. You understand?
Otis: What for, Barn?

Sheriff: Now, I never will forget that fine canteen that you and the club got up for the boys when they's comin' back from the war.
Annabelle: Mm-hm.
Sheriff: Givin' up your time to dance with 'em.
Annabelle: Every Saturday night.
Sheriff: Course I always did figure the boys had been through enough.

Andy: [jokingly] Boys are talkative today.
Briscoe: They all keyed up.

[hearing that a friend gets 75¢ without doing chores, Opie asks what the rules are between fathers and sons]
Andy: There are no rules for pas and sons. Uh, it's as simple as this: each, uh, each mother or father raises his boy or girl, as the case may be, the way that, uh, he thinks is best - and I think it's best for you to get a quarter and work for it. Ya see, when you give somethin' - in this instance, cleaning the garage - and you get something in return - like a quarter - why that's the greatest feeling in the world. You do feel good after working, don't you?
Opie: Uh-huh. Good and tired.
Andy: Well, as, uh, as you get bigger, why, you'll be doing more and more work for more and more return and that good feeling will get bigger. D'understand what I mean?
Opie: I think so.
Andy: Good.
Opie: I'm not gonna get the 75¢.
Andy: Right.
Opie: And I have to work for the 25.
Andy: Right. All clear to you?
Opie: Yeah. The bigger you get, the tired-er you get.
Andy: Well, uh, you just... you just think about that for a while.
Opie: Do I have to?
Andy: Don't you want to think about it?
Opie: It makes me kinda sad.

Newton: Sheriff, you gave me the confidence I needed! I found out I'm not inept! I'm ept!

Briscoe: [Aunt Bee whacks Briscoe's elbow with a wooden spoon] That's my crazy bone!
Aunt: No elbows on the table.
Briscoe: It ain't fair.
Aunt: What isn't?
Briscoe: You hittin' first and explainin' the rules later.

Barney: [chanting for good luck] Come, fish, come. Come, fish, come. Sam's at the gate with a frosted cake. Come, fish, come.

Barney: Otis, what are you doin' here? It's only Friday afternoon.
Otis: I decided to take a long weekend because of the holiday.
Barney: What holiday?
Otis: I think it's our anniversary.
Barney: Why ain't you home with your wife?
Otis: What kind of a holiday would that be?

[repeated line]
Eddie: I'll get you for this, Deputy.

Barney: You mean you actually WANT her to make another batch of them kerosene cucumbers?

Big: If Sally wants to dance, ya DANCE!
Deputy: [to Sally] At least let me lead!

Larry: Alright, drop it.
[points a pistol at Otis]
Otis: No.
[Otis has a rifle in one hand and a bottle in the other]
Larry: I said drop it!
Otis: I said no!
Larry: I'm gonna give you one more chance. Drop the gun.
Otis: Oh, the gun. Why didn't you say so?

Daphne: I could been home watching the George Raft movie!

Howard: Well, what's new with you kids?
Andy: Me?
Howard: Yeah.
Andy: Oh nuthin' much since I saw you this morning.

Andy: [Barney resumes his singing practice in the back room] That's Barney.
Rafe: How long's he been ailin'?

Andy: He's like a fella in a fancy restaurant. He wants to order somethin' but there's too much on the menu.

Charles: [Recounting the incident of 20 years ago] One word led to another, and he punched me, right in the nose!
[giggles]
Deputy: What's so funny?
Charles: Can you imagine Floyd punching anybody? It was more like a *boop*!

Rafe: [interrupting Barney singing "Believe Me, if All Those Endearing Young Charms"] I-I don't mean to butt in none, but that ain't the way it goes.
Andy: [agrees] Your endearin' wasn't too charmin', Barn.

Sheriff: The way everybody's acting, you'd think I'd come out against the flag and motherhood.

Opie: Pa?
Andy: Mm-hm?
Opie: Just what CAN you do with a grown woman?

Barney: The sheriff's the bad guy?
Andy: In "Robin Hood."
Barney: You're kiddin' me.
Andy: I am not. The Sheriff in "Robin Hood" was fat and stupid and he had a stupid deputy.
Barney: Now you're puttin' me on. You're tryin' to rile me so you can see that vein in my neck stick out.

[Otis overhears Barney reading a letter regarding added funding for the Sheriff's Office]
Otis: Hey, Barney? What do you guys need more money for?
Barney: Plenty. You, for one. I don't know why Aunt Bee has to fix you them fancy meals at Andy's own personal expense. What we should have is a charge account down at The Lunch Room and have the food brought in.
Otis: Well, you do that and I'll take my business someplace else.
Barney: Don't threaten us, Otis.
Andy: Now, boys...
Otis: I ain't gonna eat that food from The Lunch Room! It's too spicy!
Barney: You drink anything, you can eat anything!
Otis: I don't eat nothing spicy! It's bad for my liver!
Barney: Aw, your liver's so pickled now, it don't matter!
Otis: Yeah?
Barney: Yeah!
Andy: Fellas!
Barney: I'll say it right to your face, Otis! You got a pickled liver!
Otis: That's better than having a pickled puss!
Barney: Yeah?
Otis: Yeah!

Andy: [on the phone with Helen] Well to tell you the truth, Darlene's been just like a sister to me.
Helen: [Darlene gives Andy a loud kiss on the cheek] What was that?
Andy: Miss Mason just opened a bottle of pop.

Ernest T. Bass: [hands a potato to Andy after being told not to throw food] I passed it! I didn't heave it!

Andy: Ready, One... Fellas, you're supposed to walk when I start countin'.
Mr. Carter: Well, a fella's legs gets mighty heavy.
Jedediah: Yeah, everybody knows a fella gets our age, the first thing that goes is his legs.
Andy: Well it's just a short walk and it's the last time you'll be a usin' them.

Deputy: Suppose he's some kind of a nut. Suppose he's one of those guys that starts howlin' when the moon comes out.
Andy: Howlin' when the moon comes out?
Deputy: Suppose he's a bathtub murderer.
Andy: Oh for heaven's sakes, the poor man just sells butter and eggs. I got to go...
Deputy: Well that's the kind you gotta watch out for.

Floyd: Well, I'll see ya later, Barracuda.

Barney: Bringin' in a prisoner, Sheriff.
Andy: Well, what happened?
Barney: Parked his car in front of a fire plug. I wrote him out a ticket and you know what he did?
Andy: What?
Barney: Tore it up in teeny little pieces. That's what he did.
Andy: Wait a minute, did you do like Barney said. Ben?
Ben: What if I did?
Andy: Well that's contempt of the law. I hope you got yourself a good explanation.
Ben: I have.
Andy: Yeah, what is it?
Ben: I got contempt for the law around here.

Aunt: That Heather is a lovely girl, isn't she?
Andy: Yeah, she's nice.
Aunt: She's so polite and so intelligent and Opie and she seem inseparable.
Andy: It's just been a couple of days.
Aunt: You know, I was just thinking, their children will have blue eyes and blonde hair.
Andy: What?

Barney: Inkem binkem notamus rex, protect us all from the man with the hex.

Andy: Oh, uh, Mr. Case, whenever you make out your report, I surely would appreciate it if you didn't mention the doilies in our jail. Well, we wouldn't want the other sheriffs stealin' our decor.

Aunt: I made a double batch this time, you liked my pickles so much, 16 jars. And I'll see that you get them every day.

Opie: MEAT!
Andy: Aunt Bee will see what we need when she comes in.

Opie: But if it helps the law?
Andy: Opie, the law can't use this kind of help.

[Otis, the town drunk, walks into the Courthouse and goes to "his cell," where Ronald Bailey is imprisoned]
Otis: [seeing Ronald Bailey; slurring his words] Heyyy... wha' are you doin' in my cell?
Ronald: *Your* cell?
Otis: That's right! That's been *my* cell for Saturday night for the past ump-teen years! So will you kindly get out?
Ronald: [sarcastic] You've got to be kidding me!
Otis: I am not kidding you, an' if you don't get out, I'm gonna call a p'liceman.
Ronald: Will you just leave me alone?
Otis: Alright, wise guy.
[calls out drunkenly; as the sitcom audience laughs]
Otis: p'lice! p'lice! p'lice! p'lice!
[Barney enters, wearing his pajamas; livid]
Barney: Hey cut that racket will ya...
[realizes it is Otis; sympathetic]
Barney: Oh, Otis... it's you.
[now stern]
Barney: Do you have to make such a racket?
Otis: [pointing at Ronald] Officer, arrest this man.
Barney: [confused] *What?*
Otis: [slurring; jabbing a finger into Barney's chest] He's tresspassin' on my property. A citizen's property must be protect'd from prowlers an' criminals. That's th' law!

Andy: Well, while you fellas are shakin' hands with buzzers and havin' stuff jump outa papers and foolin' around like that, what are the girls doin'?
Opie: Just acting silly.

Commissioner: Well, I'll submit these records to the budget department, Sheriff, but I must be perfectly honest with you. I think any chances of your getting new wquipment up our way are pretty slim. Not much happens up your way. Not very many arrests.
Andy: Uh, what you're sayin' is the only way we can get the equipment we need's to slow down our work a little and let the crime rate catch up to us. Is that it?

Andy: Congratulations, Deputy Fife, on an outstanding job of detective work.

Goober: [Floyd is talking about "'The Mikado"] What's it about?
Floyd: Well, it all took place in this little town called Titipu.
Goober: Come on, Floyd, be serious.

Opie: Golly Aunt Bee, she's way younger than you are. She's in her forties and you're already...
Aunt: Opie, why don't you go over there and get yourself a candy bar.

Barney: How are ya?
Bert: Middlin'.

Mary: Tall, dark, and...
Thelma: Door prize!
Helen: [in unison with Thelma Lou] Door prize!

Andy: Well, it looks like we got us the eternal quadrangle, don't it?

Ralph: Sheriff Taylor, this is the worst excuse for a jail I've ever seen. I'd hate to think what would happen if something serious came up here. It would be chaotic, disastrous!
Andy: Well, there ain't no use thinkin' gloomy thoughts. Golly, look on the bright side.
Ralph: Well, we'll see if there IS a bright side. I'll tell you what I'm gonna do. I'm gonna call my chief at the state capital and have him come down here and see THIS for himself.
Andy: Well, what for?
Ralph: To see whether or not I'm right in recommending that impeachment proceedings be started against you and your force. A sheriff's office should be run by the sheriff and his deputy, not the Katzenjammer Kids.

Andy: [Picking up the phone] Sarah? What? Just soak it. That's right; just soak it a lot in warm water. Listen, Sarah; get me Thelma Lou. I know she's Barney's girl; just get her on the phone. What? 'Cause I don't want to. No, Sarah, I wouldn't rather talk to Juanita at the diner; just get Thelma Lou.

Barney: [Barney has just been angrily evicted by his irate landlady, Mrs. Mendelbright; shouting angrily] *WITH PLEASURE!* Who ever heard of a room where you couldn't cook in anyways? I pay rent here for five years and what do I get? *Heartaches!* NOTHING BUT HEARTACHES!

Lydia: Lydia - it means "native of Lydia."

Roger: You know, if we look back on some of the successful women authors, Edna St. Vincent Millay, Elizabeth Barrett Browning, Helen Crump doesn't quite have the same ring.
Helen: Are you talking about possibly a pen name?
Roger: Possibly, possibly. Harold, I think Harold had a thought.
Harold: Helaine Alexian DuBois.

Barney: You sure didn't freeze up on THIS little grasshopper.

Jeff: No, for marryin', a fella wants a... a female type, you know, kinda soft and squishy-like. I figure the right place to find one of 'em's right here in town.
Andy: Oh, well, they ought to be a few answerin' that description around here.
Jeff: Sure. Only need one. I figure I'll stick around town a couple days and look over the available stock and pick one and take her back to the farm.

Floyd: Speak softly and carry a big stick. That's true, too. It would work well in a gang fight. Swing it around, you're bound to hit something.

Andy: [explaining Colonel Harvey's product] The Colonel calls it elixir. Other names are hooch, booze, happy water, Old Red-eye... in other words, ladies, you got gassed.

Barney: Foxy are they? How do you deal with a fox?
Andy: Set the dogs on him?
Barney: No.
Andy: Trap him?
Barney: No. You outfox a fox.
Andy: I never tried it that way.

Andy: Folks like to take things slow. Some people don't even hold hands in public till they've had their seventh or eighth young'un.

Andy: I declare, folks are gettin' tired of the mayor's wife ridin' out on that horse and sangin' all that opera stuff.
Floyd: Oh, it's not bad.
Andy: It ain't? I declare, if you wasn't lookin', you couldn't tell whether it was her singin' or the horse whinnyin'.

Andy: You may not believe it, but sometimes Otis stays around that jail twenty-four, forty-eight hours straight without leavin'.
Ralph: He does, does he?
Andy: Oh, yeah, yeah. You take this mornin'. Me and Barney - that's my other deputy - we come down to the jailhouse bright and early. Don't you think Otis was already there ahead of us.

Andy: You beat everything, you know that?

Briscoe: Dud! We got more important things to tend to. Try to curb them hot flashes.

Barney: Well, some of us got it, some of us ain't.

Andy: Well, I caught him earlier on a 10-17.
Barney: Hat in a horse trough?
Andy: Yeah.

Andy: Ohhh, did that bad-tasting word slip out again?

Clarence: I am challengin' you to a fight.
Andy: A fight? Now look, this isn't Tombstone.
Andy: Your choice of weapons, and we'll meet you in front of your office... at high noon... high noon, Sheriff.

Sheriff: 16 jars. Well, there's only one thing to do. That's what we shoulda done in the first place.
Barney: You mean...
Sheriff: Learn to love 'em.

[Barney's explains his revolutionary system for remembering famous dates, such as 1776]
Barney: The first number... is one.
Andy: Yeah.
Barney: Now, that's easy to remember 'cause that's the first number in the alphabet.
Andy: Yeah.
Barney: Now, the second number... is... you just remember... lucky... seven.
Andy: Lucky seven.
Barney: See? Now you got one and seven.
Andy: Yeah.
Barney: Now, what's the third number? Seven. Now, that's easy to remember 'cause you just remembered seven, see?
Andy: [chuckles] Yeah, that's right. Yeah.
Barney: Now, you got one, seven and seven.
Andy: One and... two sevens, yeah.
Barney: Now, what's the last number? All right, here's how you remember that: What's one... from... seven?
Andy: Six.
Barney: Six.
[they laugh]
Barney: 1776.
Andy: Yeah, that's good.
Barney: Yeah, it works out, too.
Andy: Wouldn't it be just as easy just to go ahead and remember 1776?
Barney: Well, if you want to do things the easy way, you're never gonna learn anything.

Hotel: [presenting room keys] Here you are, Mr. Taylor, and Mr. Fife. Excuse me - "Doctor" Fife.
Andy: "Doctor" Fife?
Hotel: [reading registration card] "Bernard Fife, M.D."
Andy: M.D.?
Barney: That's the way I always sign. Bernard Fife, M.D.
Barney: [pressured under Andy's gaze] Mayberry Deputy.

Opie: But ya see, Pa, it's permanent - that way no one can steal our number and put it on another house!
Andy: I don't recall us havin' a number thief around for a LONG time!

Josh: Sheriff, it don't matter what her name is, Wakefield or Carter. We're both more'n 18. It's your bound and duty to marry us if we ask you to.
Andy: Well now, the boy's got hisself a point.
[Mr. Wakefield and Mr. Carter point their shotguns at Andy]
Andy: But you'all have got better points.

[Opie's lost a tooth overnight]
Barney: Let's hear you say, "She sells seashells down by the seashore."
Opie: She... she sells seashells... down by the... seashore!
Barney: [chuckles] Hey, that's pretty good!
Opie: If you think that's somethin', you outta hear me sing a song!

Andy: Our-our records are off somethin' fierce. Ink musta got smudged.
Rafe: Hmm.
Andy: Somebody we took in for moonshinin' April a year ago, address up on Willow Creek road...
Rafe: Moonshinin'?
Andy: Yeah.
Rafe: Last April?
Andy: Yeah.
Rafe: Hell, that's me! You took ME in 'bout then.
Andy: Can it be?
Rafe: Huh...
Andy: By dog, you're right! NOW we can set things straight.
Rafe: But I done my time and I ain't been moonshinin' since. Oh, I mean, not so's you could notice.

Barney: I ain't got time to stand around here and discuss trivial trivialities.

Goober: Well I ain't followin' you too good, but it sounds like I cain't borrow the money until I prove I don't need none.

Aunt: [merrily] Hello, boys. I've been waiting for you!
Billy: [panic stricken] Bloody Mary!

Andy: They's somp'in' I wanna talk to you about.
Barney: Yeah?
Andy: You know, for about a week now, we been spendin' a lot of time together, right?
Barney: Yeah.
Andy: I mean, it's been Mary and me and you and Thelma Lou or... Mary and me and you, and, uh, well, I was thinkin'...
Barney: Yeah?
Andy: Don't you think we ought to spend some time alone? D'you, uh... Do you understand?
Barney: Well, sure, I understand, Andy. Of course.
Barney: [picks up telephone] Sarah, uh, get me 2-4-7.
Barney: [to Andy] You should have mentioned this sooner.
Barney: [on phone] Uh, Thelma Lou? Barn. H'yeah. Uh, listen, we can't make it over to Mary's tonight. Uh, Andy and I wanna spend some time alone.

Mr. Meldrim,: Go ahead Barney. Tell her what you told me.
Deputy: I simply said that after a thorough examination, I find this bank lacking any countermeasures whatsoever in the event of a 10-12.
Mr. Meldrim,: Well?... Glenn Ford! That was great, Barney!

Andy: [raising his leg] You see that foot? How could that great big foot - all of it - fit in my mouth?

Andy: Aunt Bee, Barney's been singin' again. I don't know how he does it but he's got a knack of hittin' a note just enough off to make your skin crawl.

Barney: [looking for a legal precedent to make Ellie sell Emma her pills] Wilson sues Thorpe for refusin' to sell him arsenic to kill rats in his cellar. Pharmacist Thorpe claimed arsenic would be dangerous to Wilson's personal safety as Wilson was not a responsible person. Wilson, however, proved beyond any doubt that he was safe and responsible, won the case , and purchased his arsenic on Tuesday May 4.
Sheriff: That's good. We got her.
Barney: He was buried on Friday May 7.
Sheriff: Well, we just lost her again.

Floyd: [to Mayor Pike; while cutting his balding hair] You know, Mayor... I have a hair growth tonic that will help you grow hair over your eyes.
Mayor: I don't want hair over my eyes, I want hair over my head.

Barney: Andy, I don't like to say this, but...
Andy: You don't have to.
Barney: Was anybody else, I'd say she was tiddly.
Andy: Was anybody else, you'd be right, but she won't even allow fruitcake in the house on account of a brother she had.

Andy: [after learning Barney has spilled the beans about the gold shipment] Somewhere between here and Denver is seven million dollars headed for Mayberry, and you and me and Gomer and Laura Lee Hobbs, we're gonna' receive it.

Sheriff: [Billy Ray is delivering mail to the courthouse] I'll take it Billy Ray.
Billy: Oh no you don't. The mail must go through.
Sheriff: But I'm standing right here. Hand it to me Billy Ray.
Billy: You're not an authorized receptacle.
Deputy: But he's an official of this county.
Billy: Means nothin' to me. I'm a Fed.
Deputy: Wait until you park that mail truck of yours in an illegal spot some time.
Billy: As long as I'm carryin' registered mail, I got the right of way over ambulance, police cars, fire engines, and heavier-than-air craft.
Deputy: Put a mail sack on some people, goes right to their Heads!

Andy: Congratulations. You've been able to do in 15 minutes what this town's been tryin' to do for 15 years.
Joe: What's that?
Andy: Open the door to this vault. You see, the combination was lost and the company that built it went out of business, and we just about give up hope of ever gettin' her open.

Helen: Let me go slip into something uncomfortable.

Otis: Gosh, I been comin' in here a long time, Andy, but I never figured there was chance for advancement.

Barney: [while Barney is talking to the tour group, Otis comes in and lets himself into a cell] Do you see how we got the criminals around here intimidated. The minute they commit a crime, they know that capture is inevitable and they just come in and lock themselves up.

Andy: Phantom Fife strikes again.

Floyd: I'm worried about Andy going with this Mavis.
Howard: Yes, I understand she's rather forward.
Floyd: Yeah, you remember what happened to Harvey Bunker when he started going with her. They made him give up his job as scout master.
Howard: Well, let's just hope Andy is made of sterner stuff.

Briscoe: [Agreeing with Andy to play another song] All right, uh, how 'bout "Boil Them Cabbage Down"!
Charlene: [Protesting] Oh, no, Pa! That one makes me cry!
Briscoe: Just try to control yourself...

Wally: [asking about Mr. Tucker's car] Did it sound something like this? First it ran smooth, then it kind of... ch-ch-ch-ch-ch. Then it ran smooth again, then another ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch.
Malcolm: Yes.
Wally: Then a whzzzz-cha-chk-pkpft. Then she dies?
Malcolm: Yes... that's it!
Wally: Uh-huh, uh-huh. You've got yourself a clogged fuel line...
Sheriff: How'd you know that?
Wally: From the sound.

Andy: Opie, I thought you said you was goin' out and play.
Opie: I was, Pa, but can I stay and hear about why Floyd's a miserable, deceitful wretch?

Andy: You go up to her house and you knock on the door. And when she comes to the door, you say "hello".
Goober: Hello.
Andy: Yeah
Goober: Could I just say "Hey"? Cuz I'm more used to that.

Ramona: It rained last week.
Ernest T. Bass: I know. I was right there in it.

Arnold: What took you so long? Did your Pa bawl you out?
Opie: No, he sat me down and gave me a talk about the facts of life.
Arnold: Did you tell him you already knew all about it?
Opie: No, I didn't want to spoil it for him.

Aunt: Henrietta, why don't you sit down?
Andy: Well, yeah, you must be tired walkin' clear across town for a cup of sugar.
Henrietta: Oh, I NEVER get tired when I'm out walkin' with my award-winnin' daughter.
Aunt: Award-winning?
Henrietta: She's been going to Miss Wellington's School for Girls... in Raleigh.
Andy: Ohhh!
Henrietta: [proudly] She was voted "Young Lady Most Likely to Become Charming."
Andy: Well, say now, becomin' charmin'. Now that IS something to look forward to, ain't it?
Henrietta: We think Miss Wellington's done WONDERS for Darlene. Do you know at the age of 19 she's lost all her baby fat?
Andy: I noticed that. I noticed that RIGHT off when she come in through the door there. I says to myself, I says, "That Darlene's knees ain't nearly as puffy as they used to be."

Andy: Wait a minute. What do you know about this?
Barney: Huh?
Andy: Thelma Lou invitin' me to dinner. What's the occasion?
Barney: Uh... n-no occasion. She-she was just s-sayin' the other day how she ain't had you to dinner in a long time.
Andy: Thelma Lou ain't EVER had me to dinner.
Barney: Well, there you are. It HAS been a long time,.

Deputy: That's twice in one day you've run afoul of the law! You keep this up and I'm gonna have to draw YOUR face NEXT!

Malcolm: [rides his bike over to Andy] Eh, excuse me, constable. Eh, you are the constable aren't you? I mean, I saw the car with the thingamajig on top and, uh, I took it for granted you might be in the way of being a constable.
Andy: Well, yeah, I'm the constable. Actually, I'm the sheriff.
Malcolm: [looks impressed] Are ya really? Ain't that wonderful, eh? He-e-ey! Might I ask a question?
Andy: Sure. What is it?
Malcolm: Uh, where could I find a constable?
Andy: Well, I AM the constable. Sheriff and constable kinda the same thing.
Malcolm: [says with amazement] Get away!

Sheriff: No chance of getting Aunt Bee's old pickles back is there?
Barney: They're scattered from Oregon to Nova Scotia.

Andy: Yes sir, everything she dished out, I had comin'.

Rafe: Andy, I don't wanna die!
Andy: But-but you'll be a dead hero.
Rafe: I don't wanna be a dead hero! I wanna be a live me!
Andy: Well, Rafe, maybe I had you figured wrong. When you refused to take the shot...
Rafe: WHO won't take the shot? I'll take the shot. You go fetch that county nurse.
Andy: Well, Rafe, are you sure? She's gonna jab ya.
Rafe: I don't care. My daddy lived to be a hundred, and I don't aim to break the tradition.
Andy: Well, all right. Too bad, though. You'd a made a fine statue.

Gomer: I don't do no engine work. Just gas and oil, water and air! Water and air's free. We don't make no charge for it.

Neal: Oh, by the way, if you see your deputy, you tell 'im those two farmers that were out in the roadside selling are back in business, and we want him for a customer. He'll understand.

Andy: [chased in the courthouse] Charlene, I'm old enough to be your father!
Charlene: You've sure been beautiful preserved.

Otis: I never cared much about injures. They're very painful.

Gomer: [Barney is upset with Gomer and walks out, refusing to speak to him] What's the matter with Barney?
Sheriff: Well Gomer, Barney's been bitten by the green eyed monster.
Gomer: He has? Well they got some stuff down at the drugstore that'll keep 'em off of you. One fell on me just yesterday!

Opie: You tryin' to get rid of me, Pa?

Mrs. Bixby: Mr. Campbell should be so excited about the news.
Mrs. Harriet Wicks: I can't wait to tell him and watch his face light up.
Andy: Oh he'll be lit up alright.

Deputy: Boy that Mrs. Devero sure is ugly, ain't she?
Andy: Barney, she can't help it.
Deputy: She's just ugly as homemade soap.

Barney: Okay answer with a yes or no answer. Who's store is being robbed?
Andy: No?
Barney: What do you mean no?
Andy: Well you said answer with yes or no.
Barney: One word! I meant one word!
Andy: Well you didn't say that.
Barney: Answer with one word! I hate it when you get obtuse! Okay let's try this again. Who's store is being robbed?
Andy: Weaver.
Barney: And who ever gets a bargain at Weaver's Department Store?
Andy: Uh... Weaver?
Barney: No! I'm trying to give you the name of the criminal! The answer is no one!
Andy: No one's the criminal?
Barney: [looks away angrily] Boy when you get obtuse...

Otis: [Andy and Barney are swinging a jump-rope; enunciating like Barney when he was jumping rope] Slow it down, and let me in, or I'll go out an' get some gin!
Barney: Now, CUT THAT OUT!

Mavis: That Myer's lake was so beautiful. We should go up there again some evening.
Andy: Th-th-there's a, there's a lot of good fish in that lake.

Andy: It just seems to me if I was going to take a shot at a fella, it'd pass my mind to ask what for.
Jedediah: I'll be danged if I know where you young folks get all them newfangled ideas.

Andy: Whadda ya... whadda ya sellin' these days, Bert? Anything?
Bert: Oh, this and that.
Andy: Well, like what.
Bert: Oh, first one thing, then another.
Andy: Well, what's in the suitcase?
Bert: Different things.
Barney: For Pete's sake, Bert. Open it up. We might buy somethin' off of ya.
Bert: Oh, you probably don't need nothin' no way, and I don't wanna appear pushy.
Andy: [chuckles] Oh, nobody'll ever accuse you of that, Bert. Now-now, what's in the suitcase? Show us.

Andy: Try to control your passion, Aunt Bee, you're melting the ice cream.

Barney: Took one of them guided tours, you know, that goes right by the movie stars' homes on a bus. You know what happened?
Andy: No.
Barney: The bus stopped right in front of Gary Cooper's house.
Andy: It did?
Barney: Yeah. So they all got out and went over to the front yard and looked, and you know what they saw?
Andy: No.
Barney: Gary Cooper's newspaper... right there in the front yard.
Andy: That right?
Barney: Then Gary Cooper's maid come out of the front door and walked over to where they was standing. And you know what she said?
Andy: What?
Barney: Get off the grass.

Barney: You know, Andy, there's one thing you got to say about this case. It was a gas.

Sheriff: Now Opie, I'm your Pa and I'm tellin' you to hush up.
Opie: Well you told me I could speak or forever hold my peace.
Sheriff: Well now I'm tellin' you if you don't hush up, you'll be forever holdin' the seat of your britches.

Opie: But if I don't drink milk, I'll get soft bones.

Barney: Last Saturday night I took Juanita to Mount Pilot for a Chinese dinner. I didn't even have enough to leave for a tip.
Andy: Is that right?
Barney: It was embarrassing. The waiter called me somethin' in Chinese, it didn't sound like "sport" neither.

Goober: I love picnics. Speaking of picnics, you remember that movie 'Picnic'? Cary Grant sure was good it that movie.
Andy: Goober, Cary Grant wasn't in 'Picnic'.
Goober: He wasn't? Well, speakin' of Cary Grant, I do him.
Helen: What?
Goober: I take off on Cary Grant. Want to hear me do Cary Grant?
Andy: Uh, Goober...
Goober: Be glad to. Judy. Judy. Judy.
Andy: That's real good, Goober; but Cary Grant wasn't in 'Picnic'.
Helen: That was William Holden.
Goober: William Holden? Heck, I can't do William Holden; he sounds like everybody else.
[Andy and Helen walk off with Goober following]
Goober: I can't do William Holden, but I can do Cary Grant. Judy. Judy. Judy.

Sheriff: [Andy and Barney walking out of the bank with Barney disgusted at how apathetic everyone, including Asa, the security guard, is toward the bank's security; and Andy trying to calm Barney down] Now simmer down, Barn.
Deputy: Four years Asa's been walkin' around without any screws in his gun. Where's the hardware store? Right down the street a whip and a whisker away. Boy, oh boy.
Sheriff: Alright, I'll go get screws and put 'em in Asa's gun. What kind of gun has Asa got?
Deputy: Oh, one of those old Teddy Roosevelt Horse Pistols

Andy: [reading from the newspaper article] "Taunts and insults filled the air, but no bullets or arrows."

Gomer: [spotting two guys hiding in the alley] Shazam! We better call the police.
Barney: We ARE the police, you and me.

Barney: Yesterday, I had the shocking experience of seein' you ridin' a cow.
Otis: You saw me ridin' a cow?
Barney: That's right.
Otis: Barney, I didn't think you touched the stuff.
Barney: You were ridin' a cow. Ask Andy.

[as Barney shouts for O'Malley, the three women freak as to how to deal with the situation. Maude has Sally and Naomi move to a wall away from the windows, saying she'll handle it]
Convict: I hope she knows what she's doing.
Jalene: Don't worry. Maude's a very clever woman. She'll think of something brilliant. Just watch.
Big: [shouting a response to Barney] There's nobody here!

Goober: You ever seen a minuet, Andy?
Andy: Not lately.
Goober: Must be one of them new kind of dances.

Andy: [picks up the phone] Sarah, get me Mavis Neff at the drugstore... that's none of your business... Yes, it's great about Helen's book. Get me Mavis Neff!

Andy: I just thought that you ought to know how he feels about you.
Thelma: Well that's nice of you, Andy, but I'd still like to hear it from the horse's mouth.
Andy: Well, you ain't exactly got a talkin' horse here.

Andy: I know what he's doing, too. He ain't fooling me. I know what he's doing. He's giving presents to Aunt Bee and Opie and everybody, hoping they'll work on me.
Barney: He's doing that?
Andy: Yeah.
Andy: He give Opie a Rooster, Aunt Bee a mustache cup.
Barney: We could get him on a 204.
Andy: What's that?
Barney: Bribery,collusion, tampering with, and/or intimidation of material witnesses.
Andy: That's a 204?
Barney: Kind of a catchall.

Andy: I'll get Alice a date and then all four of us will go out and you'll see that everything is alright. I know just who I'll get, too - Howard Sprague. Because Howard has always had a crush on Alice and she is pretty and got a fine figure and a good sense of humor and she's intelligent.
Helen: Well, you take her and I'll go with Howard.

Sheriff: Nature's been good to you. I mean real, real, real good. I-I can't remember when I've seen nature spend as much time on any one person.

[when Barney accidentally locks himself in a jail cell while giving a speech, Andy enjoys the situation while Barney fumes]
Andy: Well... Got yourself a little incarcerated, didn't cha?
Barney: [glowering] Get the key.
Andy: [repeating lines from Barney's speech] No more carefree hours, no more doing what you want to do when you want to, no more peanut butter and jelly sandwiches...
Barney: [glowering] Get the key.
Andy: I'll tell you what we'll do in your case, though. If you're good - if you're very good - we'll throw some peanuts in your cell and you can jump up and down on them and make your own peanut butter.
Barney: [glowering] Are you going to get the key?
Andy: Hm?
Barney: Open this door!
Andy: Oh., You, uh... you figure you paid your debt to society?
[Barney continues to glower]
Andy: Oh, all right. We'll, uh, we'll let you out.
[unlocks and opens door]
Andy: All right, you can go, but remember - it is definitely no fun when that iron door clangs shut on you.
Barney: You belong in the funny papers, you know that? Get you a wig and a dress and you're another Emmie Schmatlz.

Deputy: Gomer, I have to uphold the law, no matter what! It's only what any responsible person should do. Why, even if I weren't a policeman, I would still arrest you for making a illegal U-turn... any person can do that, you know... it's called a citizen's arrest.
Gomer: [seeing Barney make a U-turn with his squad car as he drives away] Hey! HEEEYYYY - - BARNEY! You made an illegal u-turn YOURSELF! You're breakin' the law, and so I, as a responsible person, need to arrest you! Citizen's arrest! Citizen's arrest!

Andy: [Andy has just sent Opie home, along with his wood burning kit and project, as Barney comes in the door] Hi Barn.
Andy: [Barney then drops a pair of goggles, a pair of leather gloves and a motorcycle helmet onto Andy's desk] . I just got rid of Opie and his toys now here you come with yours.

[Andy listens to the radio announcement on the women prisoners' escape from the state prison]
Radio: These women are not armed, but can be dangerous. The leader is Big Maude Tyler, 5 feet 6 inches tall, dark hair, weight one hundred and seventy-five pounds. Known as: Big Maude Tyler, Clarice Tyler, Maude Clarice Tyler, Annabelle Tyler and Ralph Henderson.

Sheriff: Why, I was readin' here just the other day where there's somewhere like four hundred needy boys in this county alone, or... or-or one and a half boys per square mile.
Opie: There is?
Sheriff: There sho' is.
Opie: I never seen one, Pa.
Sheriff: Never seen one, what?
Opie: A half a boy.
Sheriff: Well, it's not really a half a boy. It's a ratio.
Opie: Horatio who?
Sheriff: Not Horatio. A ratio. It's mathematics - arithmetic. Look, now, Opie, just... forget... forget that part of it. F-f-forget the part about the half a boy.
Opie: It's pretty hard to forget a thing like that, Pa.
Sheriff: Well, try.
Opie: Poor Horatio.
Sheriff: Now look, Opie, Horatio is not the only needy boy... Son, uh, didn't you... didn't you ever give anybody anything just for the pleasure of it. Something you didn't want anything in return for?
Opie: Sure, just yesterday I gave my friend Jimmy somethin'.
Sheriff: Now that's fine. What'd you give him?
Opie: A sock in the head.
Sheriff: I-I meant charity.
Opie: I didn't charge him nothing.
Sheriff: I meant somethin' for the joy of givin'.
Opie: I enjoyed it!

Barney: You'll never be lonely as long as I'm around.

Andy: That stuff of the Colonel's that's supposed to purge the body and lift the spirit... Actually, what it does is give ya a buzz.

Andy: Well, as Mark Twain said, everybody complains about the weather but nobody does anything about it.
Floyd: Did he say that?
Andy: Mm-hmm.
Floyd: I thought Calvin Coolidge said that.
Andy: No, no Floyd, Calvin Coolidge didn't say that.
Floyd: What'd Calvin Coolidge say?

Peggy: [at an upscale restaurant] Escargot. Snails. You've had them, haven't you?
Andy: Uh, no. I've stepped on quite a few of 'em in my time, but I never have eaten one of 'em.

Barney: Why don't you go set in the grocery store so we can all know you're the big cheese?

Emma: Naughty deputy!

Andy: You wanna buy this cannon?
Barney: No!
Andy: Well, shut up!

Andy: I might drop over to the choir meetin'. They're votin' on the new robes for next year.
Deputy: They're gonna change 'em are they?
Andy: Yeah. Sissy Newman wants all white with black collars. Fred Henry, he wants black with white collars. I reckon they'll be fightin' about it all night.

Tom: I don't drink no more, Andy.
Sheriff: You don't?
Tom: Without Annabelle to answer to, I found I didn't need to drink.

Andy: [when Colonel Harvey insists he just wants to help people] Yeah, I guess there IS a great need.
Colonel: Sheriff, if you only knew. If you only knew.

Leader of the Wildcats: You're in charge of the sacred candle. It's your job to bring it to every meeting and you must never lose it, 'cause it's sacred.
Opie: What happens when the sacred candle gets all used up?
Leader of the Wildcats: We go down to the dime store and buy another sacred candle.

Andy: You don't expect me to hold onto someone who's the butt of everyone's jokes, do you?

Goober: [reading Opie's essay] Ohhhh.
Andy: You took the words right outta my mouth.
Purvis: No battle.
Andy: No heroes neither.
Purvis: No arrows, no Colonels.

Ernest T. Bass: [yelling to Helen he loves her from outside of her house when Andy drives up to arrest him] Ms. Crump, I got to go to the lockup now.

[Goober thinks he has whiplash]
Goober: Floyd made the diagnosis.
Andy: Floyd, what do you know about whiplash?
Floyd: What do you mean? A barber does a lot of work around the back of the neck.

Barney: The Constitution of the United States... give me the first word and I'll know the rest.
Andy: Okay, We.
Barney: We... We?
Andy: We.
Barney: Are you sure?
Andy: I'm lookin' right at it.

Helen: [in front of the 5th grade class] Mr. Bass, return to your seat!
Ernest T. Bass: Okay. Can I tell you somethin' before I do?
Helen: What is it?
Ernest T. Bass: I *love* you.

Briscoe: Sheriff.
Andy: What?
Briscoe: Just come by to give you my sympathies.
Andy: What for?
Briscoe: I can sure understand why you're still a single man. The pickin's in this town is mighty slim. Not one female we saw come up to mustard.

Gomer: Mr. Tucker.
Malcolm: Ah, my car ready?
Gomer: No. Goober thinks you need a new set of spark plugs.
Malcolm: Well, change 'em.
Gomer: They're $1.15 apiece.
Malcolm: Fine, fine...
Gomer: She's an eight-cylinder. She'll take eight.
Malcolm: Go do it.
Gomer: One for each cylinder?
Malcolm: Go, boy, go! Do it!
Gomer: We have your permission then?
Malcolm: Yes, yes.
Gomer: Didn't want you to say later on we'd overcharged you.
Malcolm: GO DO IT!
Gomer: Right.
Gomer: [about to leave, Gomer turns to Andy] Goober says "hey," Andy.
Andy: Hey to Goober.

Aunt: [on the courthouse as an unfit place for Opie] Well, his head is always being filled with criminals and sheriffin'. I wouldn't be surprised if at Opie's next birthday party he SHOOTS out the candles.

[Andy has told Rafe Hollister to try out for the musical]
Barney: I'm surprised at you, Andy. They want people who have had musical training. Why, suppose they ask Rafe to do something he don't know? Rafe, if they asked you to sing a cappella, could you do it?
Rafe: No.
Andy: Hey, Barn, what if they was to ask you if you could sing a cappella, what would *you* do?
Barney: Why, I'd do it!
[snapping fingers in rhythm]
Barney: "A cappella, a cappella"... Well, I don't remember all the words.

Andy: Tuckahoosie creek? We're talkin' about the Battle of Mayberry, Tom.
Tom: That's what the settlers called it, but to us indians, it's still the victory of Tuckahoosie creek.
Andy: Victory?
Tom: Yeah, that's right. Us indians forced them settlers and their cattle off our hunting grounds.
Andy: Aw, come on, Tom.
Tom: Well it did.
Andy: The settlers won that battle.
Tom: Opie, I hope you mention Chief Strongbow in your paper. After all, he was the real hero of the battle.

Sheriff: Well, what would ANY husband say to his widow. Thank her for the nice funeral she gave you, for the kind words on your headstone. Why, you got a lot to talk about. Look alive, now.

Andy: No 13-year-old will do hard labor on a Saturday afternoon unless he's buttering up his folks. It's an unwritten law.

Emma: I'm goin' downhill fast, and you're the one that pushed me.

Andy: You may go down in history as the first man to ever lead a loaded goat out of town.

A: [Talking about the sidecar] Sheriff, if you fill it up with water you can take a bath on the way.

Gomer: And you say she's...
Andy: Nice!
Barney: Nice!

Barney: [Andy and Barney are watching a sign painter] Ain't he got chicken spelled wrong?
Andy: No, it's right.
Barney: You sure?
Andy: Yeah, it's "i before e except after c and e before n in chicken".
Barney: [chuckles] Oh yeah, I always forget that rule.

Rose: Opie, dear, I'm marryin' Mr. Pine because I love him.
Opie: I thought you loved ME.
Rose: I do, Opie.
Opie: You don't catch me marryin' somebody else.

Barney: Listen to that - two young people lost in a world of pills.

Opie: What's the matter, Pa?
Andy: The matter is that I got a idea about the idea Jerry got about that cuff link bein' a button off of General George Washington's uniform, and the idea I got is that it's just barely possible that the idea Jerry got coulda come from you. How 'bout it?
Opie: Well...
Andy: Now, come on, tell me the truth. I don't want cha lyin' to me on top of everything else.
Opie: Okay. It's barely possible.

Cy: Eatin' dynamite. Now ain't that the way it always is? First time he comes into town he figures he's got to do everything.

Sheriff: Did you ever know Emma Brand's sciatica to be just fine? Or anything else about her for that matter?

Barney: [Gomer has been babbling an irrelevant story about his cousin Goober] Gomer! Two people are trapped in a cave, and you stand there yakkin' about your stupid cousin Goober.
Gomer: I'm sorry, Barn.
Barney: Well, look alive man!, get on that phone and see if you can get a hold of some more volunteers. Wait a minute! First help me get these things to the squad car. We're gonna have to make two trips.
Gomer: He ain't stupid.
Barney: What?
Gomer: My cousin Goober ain't stupid. He's ugly, but he ain't stupid.

Martha: [Admiring Rafe's new, but tight, tuxedo] You look good enough to get buried.
Rafe: I feel like I'm fixin' to.

Briscoe: BREAD!
Aunt: What happened?
Andy: Mr. Darling put in a request for additional bread, Aunt Bee.
Briscoe: Didn't I yell loud enough?

Andy: Barney's about as subtle as a pig squealin' for his supper.

Colonel: Are you feeling tired and run down? Do you drag yourself out of bed in the morning? Does life seem hardly worth living? Then friends, give me your attention, your undivided attention.
Opie: Ah heck, it's just another commercial.

Andy: [showing Rafe different medical tools] That's a stethoscope. Know what it does?
Rafe: No.
Andy: Lets you hear your heartbeat. Wanna hear your heartbeat, Rafe?
Rafe: What for? I know my heart's beatin'.
Andy: Well, yeah...
Rafe: I'm alive, ain't I?
Andy: Well, yeah...
Rafe: Well, then my heart's beatin'!
Andy: Well, listen to it beat, Rafe. Here, put these two ends in your ear there. Stick 'em right in there. They won't hurt ya. That's right. Go ahead. Stick 'em right in there. All right? Now, now, listen. Listen.
[puts the stethoscope eartips on Rafe's ears and the chest-piece to his heart]
Andy: Huh? How 'bout that? Listen to mine.
[moves the chest-piece to his own chest]
Andy: Huh? Whadda ya think of that, Rafe?
Rafe: All right, now we know we're BOTH alive!

Opie: Pa?
Sheriff: Ope, is this something we can talk about later on?
Opie: Well, if you could let me have a dime, we wouldn't even have to talk about it.

Deputy: He got the drop on me.
Sheriff: You mean he had a gun?
Deputy: Ugh... well... he has NOW.

[shouting to two prisoners]
Barney: Now here at "The Rock" we have two basic rules. Memorize them so that you can say them in your sleep. The first rule is... Obey all rules. Secondly, do not write on the walls, as it takes a lot of work to erase writing off of walls.

Goober: [doing his Cary Grant impersonation] Judy Judy Judy.
Andy: Good Goob, but Cary Grant wasn't in "Picnic".
Helen: It was William Holden who was in "Picnic".
Goober: I can't do William Holden. He talks like everybody else.

Barney: Yeah, they used to call me "Scoop" Fife.

Sheriff: [reading a note tied to a rock Ernest T. Bass threw through the window] "Maybe you goin' to have a weddin', and maybe you goin' to have a preacher; but you might not have a bride. You ever think of that?" Mr. Darling, you don't think he'd try to kidnap Charlene before the wedding?
Briscoe: He might. He's just crazy enough to do it.
Dud: Well, you just let him try! I'll show him some things I learned in the army in jungle warfare! First, you grab the mouth and pull like this.
[demonstrates by pulling his own mouth]
Dud: Then you grade his nose and twist it like this.
[twists his own nose]
Briscoe: Stop that, boy! You want your face to freeze thatta' way?

Andy: Floyd, would you ask Barney the name of this club before he has a spell?

Sheriff: Ernest T. Bass, what are you doin' here? How'd you get outta jail?
Ernest T. Bass: [chuckling] Irritatin', ain't it.

Andy: [Barney is practicing his singing off-key] Hey, Barn! How much longer you gonna be at that?
Barney: Why, is there somewhere you want me to go?
Andy: Yeah.
Barney: Where?
Andy: Anywhere.

Andy: Maybe your reason for feudin' with the Carters just don't seem strong enough to young Josh.
Jedediah: No, it ain't that.
Andy: How do you know it ain't?
Jedediah: Cause he don't know the reason.
Andy: He don't? You mean you ain't never told him?
Jedediah: Nope.
Andy: Why? How come?
Jedediah: Cause I don't know the reason.
Andy: You mean your Pa never did tell you?
Jedediah: Nope.
Andy: Well why?
Jedediah: Well could be cause he didn't know the reason neither.
Andy: Who was the last Wakefield that did know the reason?
Jedediah: It must have been his grandpa.
Andy: Well then, how come he didn't pass along the reason?
Jedediah: Well it could be the time his young'un got old enough to join the feudin' that my great grandpa just clear had forgotten.

Hilda: It isn't right, Sheriff. Folks are really so fond of him.
Andy: Yeah, that's right. They are.
Hilda: Sure. Everybody likes Barney. That's what makes it so bad. They don't realize they're hurtin' him. It's just a joke to them.
Andy: [getting an idea] Uh-huh. Well, now, that's probably because they've never thought about it quite that way before.

Big: Oh, for the love of... NAOMI! The hamburgers are burning!

Aunt: And as for you, young man, the next time you take a peanut butter and jelly sandwich to your room and you don't finish it, would you mind having the decency to put it on the night table instead of under your pillow?
Opie: Oh, so that's where it went.

Lydia: I hate the outdoors. When I go out into the sun, I get the herpes.

Gomer: I was wonderin' if you could put me up in a cell till I settle on my feet in someplace.
Andy: I'll go you one better'n that, Gomer. Come over to the house and stay with me and Opie and Aunt Bee for a few days.
Gomer: Oh, that's puttin' you out.
Andy: Glad to have you. Got more room that I know what to do with.
Gomer: Well it don't seem right.
Andy: You gotta see the fried chicken Aunt Bee's gotta throw out...
Gomer: I accept.

Convict: [mistaking Barney for her old beau Al, because there is a striking resemblance] Oh, how I loved that man!
Big: I thought Al squealed on ya and sent ya up.
Convict: [grabbing Barney by the hair] RAT!
Deputy: I'm not Al!

Andy: Now listen, you girls were doin' 45 miles an hour in a 20 mile zone.
Daphne: Oh, aren't we terrible?
Skippy: Yeah, take us to jail.

Opie: [entering the courthouse] Hi. You seen my pa? He's the sheriff.
Bobby: You mean he's human enough to have kids?
Opie: Huh?
Bobby: Never mind. He stepped out for a minute.
Opie: Oh.
Opie: [looking at all the fellas] Pa musta rounded up a gang. You look like from the city. Are you a criminal?
Bobby: According to your pa I am.
Opie: Pa's never wrong. What crime did you do, criminal?
Bobby: I didn't do anything. Your old man framed the whole thing - the hick troublemaker.
[Offended at this, Opie kicks Bobby in the shin]

Andy: [Opie sits down for lunch wearing sunglasses] Planning a trip to Hollywood or somethin'?

Deputy: Are you signing this citation or ain't you?
Sheriff: Well no I ain't.
Deputy: Well in that case, I'm just going to have to run you in.
Sheriff: Well I *am* in.

Opie: How old's Aunt Bee?
Andy: You know, I'm not rightly sure.
Opie: I'll ask her.
Andy: Whoa, I wou... I wouldn't do that. See, Aunt Bee, she ain't too sure about it either.
Opie: She don't know how old she is?
Andy: Nothin' so surprisin' about that. It's easy for her to forget.
Opie: Don't she even know the day she was born on?
Andy: She knows the day all right, it's the year she's a little fuzzy on.

Barney: We the people of the United States...
Andy: In order
Barney: In order
Andy: to form a
Barney: to form a
Andy: more perfect
Barney: perfect
Andy: u
Barney: to form a more perfect u
Andy: nion
Barney: nion. Union. In order to form a more perfect union...
Andy: es
Barney: es
Andy: ta
Barney: ta
Andy: bli
Barney: bli
Andy: sh... sh
Barney: [quietly] establi
Andy: establish
Barney: establish
Andy: just
Barney: establish just a
Andy: tice
Barney: tice, justice

Otis: Is this a house of detention or a kennel?

Goober: Just gave me a little crick in the back.
Floyd: Crick, huh?
Goober: Uh huh, nothin' really.
Floyd: That's just what Johnny Harris said. Rest his soul.

Skippy: Well, you gonna ask us to sit down or... or is this leap year?

Opie: Sure would be nice to have a ma that owns a drugstore with a soda fountain.

Floyd: Aunt Bee, may this be the start of many hours of smooth driving. May you glide over the highways like a swan skimming across a lake.

Andy: Well, Otis ain't a bad fella. He's one'a the nicest fellas I know, always willin' to help out a neighbor, generous, and, for his drinkin', we don't lock him up 'cause he's botherin' anybody. It's so's he won't hurt himself. In a way, that drinkin' does a good service for the town. Otis laps it up so fast, the other folks can't get to it.

Briscoe: How many girls you know has got a wood floor and a husband that hardly ever hits ya?

Deputy: He buttered her up and she egged him on!

Otis: It will be my pleasure, dear lady, to be incarcerated in your domicile.

Andy: [releases Sam on the moonshining charge due to lack of evidence because the jug is empty] I wouldn't be surprised if Ben's full of the evidence right now.

Barney: Wait till you see her. She's really attractive.
Andy: Uh huh, that's what you said about Benjy.
Barney: Benjy?
Andy: The one that looked like Benjamin Franklin.

[Arnold has just been taken by his father to the woodshed against his will crying and screaming "I want my bike!"]
Opie: Is Arnie going to get spanked, Pa?
Sheriff: Don't you think he deserves it?
Opie: I don't want to say. After all, he is one of my own kind.

Joy: Oh Opie, you were just wonderful.
Opie: Groovy.
Joy: I had no idea you played so well.
Opie: Cool.
Joy: I was really impressed.
Opie: Groovy.
Joy: To think that I know a real rock & roll musician personally.
Opie: Cool. See ya, Phoebe.

Andy: [find Aunt Bee obviously "tiddly", then finding a 2/3 empty bottle of "Colonel Harvey's Elixir" in the hall closet] Well, it sure looks like she took the adult dose.

Barney: And I still think he's some kind of a spy.
Andy: Oh, you do?
Barney: Yes, I do.
Andy: And you figure somebody here in town is his contact, and maybe between 'em they're tryin' to figure out some of our secrets, like h-how we make possum pie, or how me make turnip jam... Laaa-aaaw! You DON'T reckin' he's here snoopin' around tryin' to find out how we make fried chicken and johnnycake, do you?

Opie: Can I run away from home?
Sheriff: Uh... you... you want to run away from home? Well, now, uh, if-if-if that's what you got on your mind, well, you-you goin' about it all wrong.
Opie: I am?
Sheriff: Oh, yeah. You ain't supposed to ask your pa.
Opie: But you always said I should never go anyplace far without gettin' your permission.
Sheriff: Well, yeah, I know I did say that, but, uh, see-see, running away from home is a little special. See, what you do in a case like that is first you write a note SAYIN' that you're runnin' away, and then you do it.
Opie: You mean to tell me that's all there is to it?
Sheriff: That's all.
Opie: But I don't know how to write.
Sheriff: That does make a problem.

Andy: Love don't hold a stopwatch.

Aunt: I'm not gonna pay Doc Andrews five dollars just to tell me how old I am - and I'm not that old!

Andy: How about a couple of old friends having that last dance?

Floyd: [while looking at himself in the mirror] Wretch, wretch! Deceitful wretch!

Andy: You know what they say - your first flame never quite burns out.

Opie: Know where we meet?
Andy: No. Where?
Opie: I can't tell ya. I got a job in the club too.
Andy: You have?
Opie: Know what it is?
Andy: No. What?
Opie: I can't tell ya.

Briscoe: Miss Bea, I sure wish you'd write out the recipe for them muffins.
Aunt: I will. I will.
Briscoe: They don't taste like ours. You say you don't put no sour mash in 'em?

Barney: Listen, if I had a date with Vicky Harms today, and I got myself all shaved, and I went over to her house with my sno-cone, you know what I'd do?
Andy: What?
Barney: The minute she opened that door I'd bite off the end of the cone, sip out the syrup, and hand HER the ice. What'd ya think of that?
Andy: Well, I'll tell you the truth, Barn. If I's Vicky Harms and a thirty-five-year-old man come up to my house with a sno-cone in his hand, I wouldn't even answer the door.

Andy: [explaining Romeo and Juliet to Opie] And Juliet said 'Romeo, Romeo, where art thou Romeo?' And Romeo said 'well I'm right 'tchere!'

Fred: You don't have to give up bein' sheriff to do a little buzz-away every once in a while.

Sheriff: What's wrong?
Gomer: Nothing. Why do you ask?
Sheriff: Well, Gomer, whenever I see a man settin' by hisself in a Quonset hut with a bucket on his head, I've got to ask, "What's wrong?"

Deputy: You lay people have got to learn to leave evidence alone. It's going to make it very difficult now for us and the boys at the lab.
Sheriff: What Lab?

Deputy: [about the limerick] It makes out like I-I-I never wanted to catch crooks - and that just ain't so. I'd catch 'em in a minute, but how'm I gonna catch 'em if there ain't any, for heaven's sake? If only somebody would just commit a crime - one good crime! If only somebody'd just... kill somebody.
Sheriff: [shocked] Barney!
Deputy: Oh, I don't mean anybody we know.

Mario: I wish to say that my family and I, we are very happy to be here and we'll try very much to make Mayberry the greatest city in this great state of North California.
Aunt: Carolina.

Arnold: [given the choice between his father going to jail and getting his bike back] I WANT MY BIKE!

Opie: Gosh, Pa, did I say the wrong thing?
Andy: No, Ope. You's the only one that said the RIGHT thing.

Howard: They use rice like we use bread.
Goober: They do?
Howard: Yeah.
Goober: You mean when they make sandwiches, they...
Howard: Oh no no. I mean they use a lot of it.

Charlene: How old is he, Sheriff?
Sheriff: Ten.
Briscoe: Well, that ain't so bad, Charlene. Your Ma was 17 when I was 30. Of course I was her 2nd husband, you know. Her first husband got run over by a team of hogs.

[Claiming history to be his specialty, Barney asks Andy to test his knowledge, so Andy asks him about the Emancipation Proclamation, and it quickly becomes evident that Barney has no idea]
Andy: Go ahead. I'm all ears.
Barney: [under his breath] Yeah, you always was. Well, the Emancipation Proclamation...
[clears throat]
Barney: ... uh, was a proclamation, is what it was.
Andy: Mm, what was is about?
Barney: [testily] Was about emancipation! What do you THINK it was about? "What was it about?" Use your head, man. It's common knowledge. It was these folks - and how else was they going to get themselves emancipated unless there was a proclamation? So, they got themselves a proclamation and they called it "The Emancipation Proclamation."
Andy: Yep?
Barney: Yeah, and I'm surprised at you for not knowing that, Andy! And I'll tell you something else: I'm even more surprised that you think that *I* don't know about The Emancipation Proclamation.
Andy: We're still waitin' for you to tell us about it.
Barney: Well, if you get so smart-alecky about it, maybe I'm not even GONNA tell you.

Deputy: [after the two farmers crowd him when he asks them to move their vegetable stand outside of the town limits] You're both a lot bigger than I am, but this badge represents a lot of people. They're a lot bigger than either one of you. Now, are you gonna get movin'?

Andy: Mr. Winkler, would you like to continue this father and son discussion in quiet?
Simon: Huh?
Andy: I say, would you like to continue this in quiet? There's a real nice woodshed out back.
Simon: Woodshed?
Andy: Mm-hm.
Simon: A good, old-fashion woodshed?
Andy: Real nice one.

Opie: Pa's just telling us how he pitched a no-hit game against Mt. Pilot high.
Goober: The one we lost 10 to nothin'?
Opie: Lost? How could you lose a no-hit game?
Goober: He walked 17 men.

Barney: [chanting while skipping rope] My mother, your mother, lived across the way. Every night they have a fight and this is what they say: Ickabacka-soda cracker, ickabacka-foo. Ickabacka-sode cracker, out goes you.

[reassuring Opie after releasing a group of dogs into the countryside as a thunderstorm approaches]
Barney: Oh, a dog can't get struck by lightning. You know why? Because he's - he's too close to the ground. See, lightning strikes tall things. Now, now if they was giraffes out there in that field, well, then we'd be in trouble.

Goober: Are you sayin' I don't like music?
Emmett: I didn't say that.
Goober: Well, you better not.
Emmett: You may like music as much as I do.
Goober: Watch your step.
Emmett: Oh, yeah? Did you ever hear the Raleigh Philharmonic?
Goober: I been busy.

[after getting in a fight with Andy]
Helen: Just who do you think you are, anyway, Mayberry's answer to Cary Grant?

Andy: You make good sense.
Rafe: Huh?
Andy: Not lettin' that nurse give you that shot. I can see now where you was 100% right.
Rafe: You can?
Andy: Oh, yeah, yeah. I understand now why you're doin' it.
Rafe: You do?
Andy: Yeah. If you was to let her give you that shot, see, you'd be passin' up your chance for immortality.
Rafe: You dang right I would. Wha'z that mean?
Andy: Immortality? Oh, that means bein' famous like Columbus or George Washington or some of them.
Rafe: Huh?
Andy: Oh, well, see, they was famous. They was famous for-for doin' great deeds. And that's what you'll be, too. Yup. After you're dead.
Rafe: After I'm DEAD?

Barney: [as his passengers sing "Old MacDonald Had a Farm"] Wait a minute! Hold it, everybody! Listen!
[everyone quiets down and bumping sounds are heard]
Andy: Just bumps on the road.
Thelma: What it sounds like to me.
Gomer: It's just bumps on the road.
Aunt: That's what it sounds like to me.
Opie: Me, too.

Aunt: Oh for lands sakes, how did such a story get out anyway?
Andy: When I come in the drugstore this mornin' to get some sulphur powder for Barney's finger, there was just three women present. There was you two and Clara Lindsey. Now you was the only ones that heard me say about Barney having a small cut.
Aunt: So?
Andy: So, from a small cut, it took you all exactly three and a half hours to get him killed off.

Sheriff: Oh, Aunt Bee, what they got in mind for me is as clear as the nose on a warthog's face.

Andy: [Barney and Thelma Lou have had a fight on the phone] Uh, Barn; why don't you just call her back?
Barney: [Picking up the phone] Sarah, get me Juanita at the diner. No, I wouldn't just rather call Thelma Lou back!

Deputy: I still say a good battering around is what he'd respond to!
[Ernest T]
Sheriff: He'd kill you.

[repeated line]
Ben: I'm talkin' to the sheriff.

Sheriff: Oh, I'll say one thing you, Emma. When you have a pain, it really goes places.

Floyd: He cuts his own hair.
Barney: He tell you that?
Floyd: Didn't have to. I can spot an amateur head a mile off.

Andy: You sure you wanna hear this story? It's history.

Opie: We won! We beat them females! We kept 'em in their place.
Andy: Yeah, well, wait just a minute.
Opie: Us menfolks don't want women running our town, do we, Pa?

Flora: Anything else you'd like, sir?
Old: Yeah. I'd like to be 30 years younger. Here you are, sweetie. Keep the change.
Flora: Well thank you. Come back and see us real soon.
Old: Sure will. I'm gonna use up this gas just as fast as I can.

Andy: Mornin', ladies. My goodness, don't you look happy. Must be cuttin' somebody up pretty good.

Gomer: Goober deemed it real honor to get under that fine a machine.

Warren: I just get nervous with girls.
Goober: I do too, especially the purty ones.

Briscoe: You know somethin', sheriff, that haircut of yours may be city style, but your heart is shaped like a bowl.

Otis: See, I've always been the black sheep of my family, and it just felt good changin' colors.

Andy: I'll get her a date. That make you feel better? I'll get her a date.
Helen: Fine.
Andy: Got any suggestions?
Helen: Goober, get her Goober.
Andy: That's not fair.

Barney: [about Briscoe's decision not to kill Ernest T] It's a wise man who knows not to push the limits of the law.
Briscoe: [to Andy] He arguin' with me?
Andy: No; he's agreein' with you.
Briscoe: Just so I know where I stand.

Sheldon: You know what I'll do to you if you tell anyone.
Opie: Uh huh. You'll pulverize me, then you'll knock my block off, then you'll give me the old one-two, then you'll jump on me.

Opie: I think I want to get her something real good. I have 62 cents saved up, not counting 6 pop bottles Aunt Bee said I can take back.
Andy: Well, that's a pile of money to spend on a girl, ain't it?
Opie: Please, Pa.
Andy: Well, go ahead if you want to. The women'll get it anyway, I reckon.

Andy: I know it's Friday, Otis, but ain't you a little early?
Otis: Oh, I'm dead sober, Andy, but I s'pect I'll get over it.

Sheriff: You better hush. I'll arrest you for bein' a disorderly corpse.

Goober: Hey, Andy
Sheriff: Hi, Goob
Goober: I got Aunt Bee's car in tip-top shape.
Sheriff: Oh, good.
Goober: What are you doin' with a Raleigh paper?
Sheriff: Readin' it.
Goober: Andy, that's yesterday's paper.
Sheriff: I know it.
Goober: You know that's not as stupid as it looks, readin' a day-old paper. I do it myself sometimes - kinda gives you a sense of power, don't it? I mean knowing how everything's gonna come out.
Sheriff: I'm-I'm looking for the announcement of the auto show in Raleigh; it opened yesterday.
Goober: Well, you want to know where it's at? It's at the convention hall all weekend. Who's going to the auto show, Andy?
Sheriff: Well, Aunt Bee wants to see the new models; she's thinking of trading in her old car.
Goober: That's a good thing - that car is on its last leg.
Sheriff: You said it was in tip-top shape.
Goober: That's before I knew she was going to trade it in.
Sheriff: She's just thinking of trading it in; she might keep it.
Goober: Well, it's still got plenty of miles on it.
Sheriff: Anybody ever tell you you're a straw in the wind?
Goober: No. A feller in the service called me a hayseed though. I let him have it.

Andy: Yeah, this place looks neat as a pin.
Opie: Sure does, Pa.
Andy: Makes you feel good, don't it? Kind of a warm feelin' right in the middle of your stomach, lightness around your heart, your head two or three feet above your shoulders. You know why you're feelin' that way, don't you, boy?
Opie: 'Cause I'm pooped.

Otis: [Sees Barney with a jump rope] You're not gonna string me up for a little drinkin', are ya? That ain't right.

Andy: Now, I'm not goin' to give you and Billy any more nickels for playin' nice, you hear?
Opie: Really, Pa? We'll give back the nickels you already gave us.
Andy: No, no. You-you-you just keep them. That's a mighty cheep price for learnin' that what looks like rasslin' to one is dancin' to another.
Opie: You want Billy and me to dance, Pa?

Opie: [Aunt Bee, Thelma Lou, Andy and Barney are singing] Somebody sounds terrible... It's Barney!
[Andy puts his hand over Opie's mouth]

Andy: Well, I guess it's all right to have a little taste. After all, it IS National Still Smashin' Day.

Goober: Did you have pleasant dreams?
Eddie: Yeah, I dreamt I pushed you off a cliff.
Goober: You see, Andy, he even dreams mean.

Barney: [demonstrating how to jump rope] Call for the doctor! Call for the Nurse! Call for the lady with the alligator purse!
Otis: If people see me doing that, they'll REALLY think I'm drunk.

Big: Make the call. Just say you're up here with O'Malley and he's asked you to stay the night.
Deputy: Supposing I refuse?
[Maude points the gun at point-blank range into Barney's face while Naomi and Sally hover over the couch, fists at the ready]
Floyd: Better phone him, Al.

Andy: Yeah, Barney went to the military surplus auction in Mt. Pilot again.
Opie: Gee, I hope he brings back something interesting.
Andy: Bite your tongue!

Sheriff: I once knew a horse that didn't even know how to fix a sore finger. Played a great guitar, but was nothin' with first aid.

Andy: Yeah, I always like a good crab joke.

Andy: You believe folks will ever fly to the moon?
Ed: Sure. I'm going there myself some day.
Andy: Boy, you're already there.

Sheriff: If you ask me, this Ernest T. Bass is a strange and weird character.
Briscoe: Just plain ornery's what he is.
Deputy: I think he's a nut.

Andy: You graduated from Bradbury, didn't you?
Howard: Oh yeah, took the full year and a half course.
Emmett: You know who else graduated from Bradbury? Cyrus Whitley. He's now doin' 5 years in prison for embezzlement. He probably learned to embezzle in college.

Big: By rights, I ought to let Naomi curl your hair with this heater.
Jalene: [excited] Can I, Maude? Can I? I hate men.
Big: She's a convicted husband-beater.
Floyd: [worried] Better watch it, Al.
Deputy: Will you stop callin' me Al?

Briscoe: I'll put on my square wheels so things don't get to movin too fast.

Ben: Oh Andy, that you and Barney? Come on, glad to see ya. I'm sorry I shot at you, boy. I thought you was the Law.

Opie: Can I go with you, Aunt Bee? Can I go?
Aunt: Oh, I'd love to take you, Opie, but what about school?
Opie: Oh, I could be sick for 10 days.

Barney: What would you do if you was tryin' to arrest a dangerous criminal and he was comin' at you with a knife, but you was unarmed? What would you do?
Andy: Uh, run.

Briscoe: Lets git outta here. You got witchery in your house.
Sheriff: Just a little on my Mama's side. Don't hold it against me.
Briscoe: Don't touch me, it might be catchy.

Mike: Pa, Pa, are they going to keep kissing me and hugging me like that all the time?
Sam: I don't know, son. They do it to me too.

Andy: A stand-by cymbalist NEVER questions his leader.

Andy: It's nice, Asa. You and Barney got the most beautiful bullets in town.

Barney: Suck in that gut!

Barney: We defy the Mafia!

Andy: [reading from a newspaper article from May 18, 1762] "Dear readers, there was no Battle of Mayberry. The only casualties were one scrawny cow, three deer, and a mule who had the misfortune to look like a deer."

Barney: I can just see Otis showin' up for that plaque now.
Barney: [acting drunk] "Where's m' plaque? Gimme m' plaque," then he'll stagger up to that Mrs. Wicks and he'll say "How about a little drink, baby?"

Howard: If we want to get anywhere at all with Mr. Hampton, we can't afford to antagonize him.
Andy: I hadn't planned on snappin' his suspenders, Howard.

Reverend: Well let's just say that the press misquoted you and let it be forgotten. Because you see, I feel like that I really came out ahead on this. Just for this, I got you hogtied for a whole month of Sundays.

Steve: Boy. Lucky for you I got my good pants on.

Gomer: Hey, Andy.
Sheriff: Hey, Gomer.
Gomer: Hey, Barney.
Deputy: Hey, Gomer.
Gomer: What time's the gold truck comin' through?

Barney: What's the matter, haven't you ever seen a man take off a dress before?

Andy: I got a feelin' we just lost our discount at the cleanin' store.

Andy: You can't pick out a wife in just two days.
Jeff: Why not?
Andy: Well, how you know you go'n' find one who wants to marry you that quick?
Jeff: Well, I'm good-lookin', ain't I?
Andy: Well, yeah.
Jeff: I'm strong enough to protect a woman, ain't I?
Andy: Well, sure.
Jeff: Got one of the best farms in the county, ain't I?
Andy: Well, yeah.
Jeff: Well, then, shouldn't take more'n two days.

Goober: A customer said to me, "Goober, for a mechanic, you've got the cleanest hands I've ever seen." And I said, "Well they ought to be clean, I just wiped 'em on your seat covers."

Sheriff: Poor old soul, she's started to walk crooked.

Briscoe: Her betrothal's been pledged since they was five.
Andy: Well, that's fine.
Briscoe: So don't go makin' any fancies for her.
Andy: Well, that's the furthest thing from my mind.
Briscoe: Your words say no, but your eyes say yes.

Andy: They fired the gun, and the shot was so loud it was heard clear around the world.
Barney: Oh, get out.
Andy: It's a fact. That's the way this country started. You read the book.
Barney: What book?
Opie: Yeah, what book? Where'd you get that story, Pa?
Andy: Oh, your history book.

Barney: Come on, everybody, let's all take a bite out of Barney Fife!

Opie: [about Jeff Pruitt] Guess what I saw him doin'?
Andy: What?
Opie: Standin' on the corner, pickin' up girls.
Andy: What do you know about pickin' up girls?
Opie: Gosh, Pa, what's there to know. Whenever a girl walks by, he just picks her up and then sets her down and says, "'Scuse me, ma'am. Just checkin' your weight."

Ralph: Well, whadda you do mostly, Otis
Andy: Oh, uh, we... we all have our, uh, little jobs on the force. Uh, Otis' specialty is trackin' down stills.
Ralph: Stills?
Andy: Yeah, yeah. The minute, the minute anyone starts makin' moonshine around this area, Otis sniffs 'em right out. And then you know what he does? He goes right down there where they're makin' the stuff and brings it all back right by hisself, don't ya, Otis?
Otis: Well, yeah. I did that just last night, didn't I?

Opie: Who are they? Friends of Pa's?
Deputy: No, they're just waiting.
Opie: What for?
Deputy: Don't ask me what for. I just run the waiting room, that's all.

Jud: [the Governor's limo is parked in front of the post office] Hoowie! That's at least a half a' acre of car.

Andy: Now I looked up the records, the old sheriff's records and hospital records and such as that for the past 87 years and do you know what?
Jedediah: What?
Andy: There ain't never been nary a Wakefield or Carter that was so much as even hit.
Jedediah: Well it ain't because we wasn't tryin'.
Mr. Carter: Dang Wakefields keep movin' around.

Andy: Hold it! Barney, you're supposed to be talking.
Barney: Oh, it's no use, Andy. Can you tell a bird to talk? Can you tell a bird to just go chirp, chirp, chirp? No, Andy, I'm like a bird. I was born to sing.

Barney: We gotta get some guy that's not been around too much, you know, really naive, some guy with not too much upstairs, in other words, a real dope.
Gomer: [Gomer enters] Hey Andy! Hey Barney!

Andy: The law's the law, Mr. Winkler. Now, if we don't teach children to live in society today, what's gonna happen to 'em when they grow up?

[Andy proposes a test for entry into a history club]
Andy: We cain't let in everybody.
Johnny: He's right! We gotta keep somebody out or it ain't a club!

[Barney picks up Andy's suitcase]
Andy: Uh, careful. There's a bottle in there.
Barney: You thought of everything, didn't ya?

Barney: [hearing that professional criminals will be brought to their jail] I'm gonna show 'em we're on our toes out here, that the Mayberry jail matches any big-time pen they've ever served time in.
Andy: Barney, there's no need...
Barney: First of all, we're gonna get rid of all these extra frills. We give 'em just what they get in the big house - one cot, one blanket, one cracked mirror, period.

Gomer: That Wally - when it comes to motors, he sure got as green thumb.

Barney: You're that cats. I-I-I think about cha all the time. Sometimes at breakfast I... stare down at m' eggs and... I see your face right in there.

Barney: [chanting for good luck] Fly away, buzzard. Fly away, crow. Way down south where the winds don't blow. Rub your nose and give two winks and save us from this awful jinx.

Andy: Augusta always enjoyed poor health as long as i can remember, but you always been healthy.

Reverend: I'm convinced you're the right man, because your lessons would never be "as dry as dust".

Sheriff: Course, I never did really believe you was buried over there.
Tom: You mean you knew all along?
Sheriff: No, not exactly. Just, with all the alcohol you had in your system, it seemed mighty peculiar that the grass over you was growin' so well.

Ernest T. Bass: She said I had no book learnin'. I had to learn to read and write. I never knew a man what could chunk a cow across his shoulders had to.

Floyd: I always enjoy cutting Barney's hair. His ears kind of wing out and it gives you room to work.

Governor: [from the Governor's radio broadcast] There's a lesson to be learned from the true story of the Battle of Mayberry. And that is that things can very often be settled peacefully. You all have every right to be proud of your town and it's wise founders.

Barney: You know what I think I'm gonna do?
Sheriff: What?
Barney: I'm gonna go home, have me a little nap, then go over to Thelma Lou's and watch a little TV... Yeah, I believe that's what I'll do. Go home, have a nap, then over to Thelma Lou's for TV... Yep, that's the plan, go home, little nap...
Malcolm: For the love of Mike, do it! Do it! JUST DO IT!
Barney: What's the hurry?

Barney: Yeah, I guess that's the word that describes us best - modest. As you can see, we don't go in for fancy technical equipment here. We're just plain, simple men fightin' organized crime with raw courage. Strong, determined, rugged, fearless...
Fred: And modest.
Barney: I think that's the word that describes us best, yes.

Andy: The reason we were going tonight is because we couldn't go last Tuesday night because you were doing rewrites then too. I wound up taking Goober. It's okay, but he's not much of a dancer.

Andy: Actually, Barn, Blackie's a little on the invisible side.

[Sitting in the lobby with Andy to wait to catch the Darlings starting up practicing again]
John: Oh, Andy, this is so frustrating. I'm breaking out in hives!

Barney: [Barney sits down to have some toast and jelly with Andy when they both smell something] You been doin' some paintin' in here?
Sheriff: No, no, probably just some glue Opie's usin' on model airplanes.
Barney: No, don't smell like glue to me. Smells more like ammonia.
Sheriff: You don't reckon that gas stove's leakin' do you?
Barney: [Barney is about to take a bite of his toast and suddenly recoils] I found it.
[points to the jelly]
Sheriff: Aunt Bee was in here workin' yesterday.
Barney: [they open the cupboard to find it filled with jars] Don't tell me Aunt Bee is makin' marmalade now.
Sheriff: Don't just stand there, get the suitcase

Andy: Well, bucket mouth, you know anybody that wants to buy a cannon?

Otis: Uncle Nat? What are you doin' here?
[takes a closer look]
Otis: Well, you're not Uncle Nat. You're a goat!

[Sheriff Taylor goes fishing with his son Opie and his lucky fishing pole, "Eagle-Eye Annie"]
Andy: Ole Eagle-Eye Annie is doin' herself proud, ain't she? Sure do have to thank her.
Opie: But you're doin' the fishin'.
Andy: Oh, not really. Way I see it, I'm just the middleman. About all I do is get the bait. Day comes ole Annie learns to dig her own worms, why, she'd probably won't invite me along at all after that.

Andy: I didn't know neatness counted so much in a garbage report.

Goober: I was saying, there sure is a lot of people walkin' around who need eyeglasses.
Floyd: Strong ones.

Goober: Did you know she's been walkin' all over town wearin' it?
Floyd: Yeah. It's mink!
Goober: Yeah, she told me. They're vicious little animals, ya know.

Andy: Whatcha doin'?
Opie: Fixin' some breakfast.
Andy: Oh, what sort of things you fixin'?
Opie: Bugs and worms and things.
Andy: Oh, bugs and worms and things, huh?
Opie: It's for the birds. I got to thinkin' last night and since their ma ain't comin' back and since it's my fault and since being sorry won't help, I'm gonna take over and feed 'em.

[Andy, Barney and the recruiting sergeant watch as Ernest T. Bass incur his wrath on Mayberry for not getting into the Army]
Sheriff: Look at him go. He's a strange one.
Recruiting: He's a wild one.
Deputy: He's a nut.

Barney: Oh, this is the oldest game in the world - stealin' your best friend's girl. Well, four can play at THIS game, buddy.

Floyd: Well Opie, it was my ancestor, Colonel Caleb Lawson who was in at the very beginning, Ol' Stonewall Lawson. He was the big hero.
Goober: What?
Floyd: That's right. Those are the facts.
Goober: Well it just so happens one of my kinfolk is the hero. Colonel Goober Pyle of the North Carolina 7th cavalry. I never even heard of Colonel Lawson.
Floyd: Never heard of him? Read your history, boy. Why he had the biggest herd of cattle in the settlement. The indians drivin' the herd off started the whole thing.
Opie: Gee, I didn't know that.
Goober: I ain't surprised. Nobody knows that except for Floyd.
Floyd: You lookin' for trouble?
Goober: Before you write all that down, Ope, it happened to be my ancestor who come roarin' outta the stockade and held them bloodthirsty savages off.
Floyd: Opie, you ain't puttin' all that bushwa down?
Goober: Don't you call my relatives bushwa!
Floyd: All I want is this boy to get the truth.
Goober: Then he come to the wrong place.

Barney: [to Andy] Well, if it ain't daddy long legs!

Andy: Thelma Lou got a mad on at you, has she?
Barney: Andy, what is it with women. They got some kind of a rule they can't be happy unless they're causin' trouble?

Otis: Andy, you GOTTA get me outta this. She's about to work me to death.
Andy: Aunt Bee?
Otis: Aunt Bee? Bloody Mary.

Barney: Boy, giraffes are selfish.

Chester: Barney! Barney, quick, you got to catch him!
Barney: Who?
Chester: The fella what just hit and run!
Barney: Hit and run? Where?
Chester: Out to the baseball field.

Deputy: When I told you to pick a number between 1 and 10, and I picked it.
Andy: Well it took you 8 tries.

Andy: [Andy walks into his house after jailing Ernest T. Bass and sees him sitting in his chair] Ernest T. Bass what are you doin' here?How'd you get outta' jail?
Ernest T. Bass: Irritatin' ain't it?

Sheriff: [Andy and Barney are discussing the "threatening" letter from the recently released ex-con whom Andy shot in the leg during a filling station hold up when the phone rings] Hello, sheriff's office... Oh, yes Ms. Peterson, aww... Well I'll take care of it right away... Yes, Ma'am. Bye.
[Hangs up the phone]
Sheriff: Ms. Peterson 's Fluffy's on the roof again.
Deputy: This is a time for pussycats with a killer on the loose?
Sheriff: Well, Fluffy's got kittens and you know how you'd feel seeing your mother on the roof.
Deputy: [Follows Andy to the door as he's leaving, and takes his gun from the holster and tries to get Andy to take it] Andy... take this, put it under your shirt.
Sheriff: I won't need it, Barn. Fluffy and I've been friends for years.

Opie: Really, a movie with cowboys and horses and shootin' and killin'?
Mr. Harmon: No son. I'm afraid it's not that kind of movie.
Opie: You mean there's another kind?

Floyd: Now wait a minute, Andy. I'm a lot older than you are. I remember that first dance they had over at the school, there. You hid in the barn.
Goober: Hid in the barn? That's funny!
Andy: I did not!
Floyd: Oh, no, when you were Opie's age, you were a real stick-in-the-mud.

Opie: You like Pa?
Peggy: Sure I do.
Opie: D'you love him?
Peggy: Well...
Andy: Uh, Ope...
Opie: See, Pa needs the companionship of a fine, young woman, someone he can take to a dance. He can't take Barney to a dance.
Peggy: He can't?
Opie: No. Barney's too short.
Peggy: Oh. I see.
Opie: You see, Miss Peggy, someday Pa might get married again, and it'd be somebody that he likes a lot - somebody he loves - and it might be you. Of course, it might be you and it might not, but...
Andy: Yep, what we needs a little bit of music. A little music is exactly what we need.
Andy: [singing as Opie continues talking] Yes, git on home, Cindy, Cindy, git on home. Yes, git on home, Cindy, Cindy - and Opie, hush your mouth.

Deputy: [reading] "There once was a deputy called Fife, who carried a gun and a knife. The gun was all dusty, the knife was all rusty, 'cause he never caught a crook in his life."

Barney: [fuming over Mr. Fields, Mrs. Mendelbright's intended] That no good swindler! I don't trust him, Andy! And you want to know why? A - A guy moves into town. 2 - He has no job. And C -
[slurring]
Barney: He wants to marry Mrs. Bendelmright.
Andy: [Andy looks at Barney to see that Barney has a drunken, glazed look in his eyes]
[shocked]
Andy: Barney, you're gassed!
[takes Barney's cup of apple cider and reacts to the smell of the cider]
Andy: This cider's turned hard!
Barney: [starts to cry drunkenly; about Mrs. Mendelbright] Bless her heart... Bless her heart!

Barney: Ya ever see a rich kid's bicycle?
Andy: No.
Barney: Solid chronium with at least six or seven red reflectors.
Andy: I'll be dogged.
Barney: Then after the bicycle age, they go off to what they call a refinishin' school.
Andy: A finishin' school.
Barney: Right. While they're there, they play with the same kind of kids.
Andy: Lot of reflectors.
Barney: Right.

[Gomer has made a citizens arrest on Barney]
Andy: All right, what's goin' on here?
Barney: Aw this boob here...
Gomer: Boob? Why that's an insult in the face of the public!

Opie: Is that Darlene Mason?
Andy: Opie, you wanna run along?
Opie: What are you calling her about, Pa?
Andy: Excuse me, it's my son.
Darlene: Oh I see.
Andy: He came back to get some money and he wanted to know why I was calling you.
Darlene: Well so do I.
Andy: Well,
[to Opie]
Andy: you wanna run along?
Opie: Are you gonna make a date with her, Pa?
Andy: [Andy glares at Opie] Wanna run along?
Opie: See ya, Pa.
Darlene: Well, are ya, Pa?

Andy: Barney, you can't give Otis a sobriety test now; he's had all night to sleep it off. The time to give him a sobriety test was last night when you picked him up.
Barney: I couldn't give him the test last night!
Andy: Why?
Barney: He was too drunk.

Jennie: How'd you like a big fat lip?
Fred: I'd like it fine. It'd match your big fat mouth!

Andy: Well that crack right there came from a direct hit whilst Teddy Roosevelt was a draggin' her up San Juan hill.

Opie: [At the blackboard] 9 x 1 is 9, 9 x 2 is...
Ernest T. Bass: Too do gone long! My, turn, my turn!

Barney: [privately to Andy, noting Malcolm's British accent] I don't think he's from around here. Fact is, I'd say he's from...
[looks at Malcolm]
Barney: ...somewhere's else.
Andy: [withholding the fact he met Malcolm earlier] You think so?
Barney: He's a troublemaker from another country.
Andy: Do you really think so?
Barney: Yeah, he's a foreigner, all right. Maybe Canada. Whadda you think?
Andy: You know where he just might be from?
Barney: Hmm?
Andy: Heckmondwike, England.
[Barney gives Andy a look]
Andy: Ask him.
Barney: Where you from, fella?
Malcolm: Heckmondwike, England.
[Barney gives Andy a very curious look; Andy shrugs like it was a lucky guess]

Sheriff: Now, you can't be serious about resignin'. What in the world will you do?
Deputy: Oh, I-I don't know. I could go up to the pickle factory. They always need a brine tester.

Sheriff: He's one of our most respected citizens, one of our best church-goin' members. He knows every hymn in the book.
Deputy: Aw, that's just a front! You watch him sometime when we're singin' "Leaning On The Everlasting Arms." He don't even know the words! He just moves his lips!

Barney: Let's go. Let's get out of here and let 'em get back to whatever they were doin'. You just go back and do whatever you were doin'. What were you doin'?
Andy: Barn!

Howard: A customer came into the shop one day and said, "Floyd, you ought to take up violin lessons." Floyd asked him why. He said, "It would give your chin a rest."

Opie: Abyssinia
Andy: Samoa

Barney: A man spends money gettin' his suit spotted and pressed takes two hours polishing his hat, and for what? Heartaches!

Tom: It's me Tom, don't you remember?
Sheriff: Why, Tom Silby! Of course I remember. Well I'll be dogged. I ain't seen you around these parts since... since your funeral.
Tom: Funeral? What Funeral?

Barney: [answering the phone] Sheriff's office, Fife here.
Art: This is Art over at the grocery store. Listen, I finally got the dog that's been barkin' every morning and wakin' up the whole neighborhood.
Barney: [bending his responses to impress a visiting state policeman within earshot] Oh, you have, huh? Are you sure he's the one we're after?
Art: Sure I'm sure. It's Sam, the big brute that belongs to Floyd.
Barney: The big brute, huh? Well, we don't need the sheriff for this. I'll take him single-handed.
Art: And tell Floyd to keep him tied up!
Barney: Right. It'll be the rope for him. I'll be right over.

Tom: That's right Opie, it was my revered ancestor, Chief Strongbow that led the Cherokee in the defense of their traditional hunting grounds.
Opie: Chief Strongbow, gee, was he wounded?
Tom: Oh yeah, many times. Matter of fact, look at this. This is just one of the musket balls that the medicine man took out of him after the battle.
Opie: Gee, that was a pretty tough battle I guess.
Tom: It was for the indians. It was 50 braves against 500 settlers.

Andy: You know, I just can't believe that anybody could be as mean as Ben Weaver's makin' out.
Barney: He sure got me convinced.
Andy: [an idea] Well, maybe he just don't see how mean he really is.

Karen: But, do you know something, Andy? I don't think I really and truly know all there is to know about you. Let's see, now - you do like music.
Andy: Well, I...
Karen: Well, do you like opera, modern, classical?
Andy: I can't... I couldn't...
Karen: And books. Do you like fiction of non-fiction. Who's your favorite American author?
Andy: I, uh...
Karen: Oh, and please just tell me one thing: do you think you could ever make a livin' at anything besides sheriffin'? I... I hope you don't mind my askin' you all these questions, but you see these are things I really and truly have to know so I can evaluate you properly. You know, "pass muster."
Barney: Now just a minute! What are you tryin' to do here?
Karen: Well, it's all very simple. When Mr. Taylor gave me the thrill and honor of okaying me as worthy of his attentions, I thought it would be awfully nice if I could award him the same thrill. I'll tell you, Mr. Taylor, I'll consider all of your qualities and I'll let you know if you made the grade.

Mr. Burton: Well, to prevent any chain reaction, we could stop OUR blasting.
Mayor: But that would delay the underpass, and I promised my brother it would be finished by...
[realizes he's given himself away]
Mayor: All right, all right. Stop the blasting.

Aunt: Oh, by the way, Gomer, how are you feeling?
Gomer: Sick as a dog, but having the time of my life.

Andy: Ain't-ain't we a-pickin' our peaches 'fore they're fuzzed up good?

Sheriff: You... you could put a sign in the window sayin' "Two Chairs - No Waitin'."
Floyd: Yeah, yeah, gee whiz... two chairs... and I got the magazines to swing it!

Barney: I got it! Let's get him and hold him on a phony traffic charge.
Andy: No good.
Barney: Why?
Andy: No car.

Floyd: Pardon me for saying so, Andy, but I don't think you'd have made a good sheriff in the old days.
Andy: Not tough enough, huh?
Andy: Too gentle. You would have probably been a barber.

Aunt: What was that you said about being a prisoner?
Otis: Oh, I said I'm a prisoner in this house and I expect to be treated like one.
Aunt: Well, if you're a prisoner, I'm responsible for you, and that makes me the warden.
Otis: Oh, Aunt Bee, don't holler so much, please. I got a head that feels like it was in a drawer all night. Now, will you go away?
Aunt: [dumps a vase of water over his head] Get up, prisoner, and get to work!
Otis: Work?
Aunt: That's right, and you can start with your room! Clean it up!
Otis: Clean? OH! Andy! Where's Andy? I'm a prisoner!

[Barney enacts moves from a book on judo]
Andy: Gol-ol-ly, that must be some book. First time I ever saw a fellow get all wore out just readin'.

Fred: Now, the chief has sent me down here to observe firsthand just how you achieved this wonderful record.
Andy: Well, first-off, I think the credit ought to go where it rightfully belongs.
Barney: Oh, now, Andy, you had just as much to do with it as I did.

Barney: Andy, I've this one dead to rights! Otis was drunk. I even gave him a test. I drew a line on the sidewalk and told him to walk it. You know what he said?
Andy: What?
Barney: He asked me what line. I've got this one right, Andy. Otis was drunk!
Andy: That right, Otis? Did you ask Deputy Fife what line?
Otis: Yeah; but I didn't have my specs on and drunk or sober, I can't see much without my specs.
Andy: Otis, three hours ago when Deputy Fife arrested you were you drunk?
Otis: I don't know; I wasn't wearin' my glasses.

Opie: As long as she's gonna spend so much time with us, I figure we better teach her how to handle worms without going "ick."

Barney: Now, boys, as Sheriff Taylor has said, I will be the official starter, and this is the official starting gun. Now, you may not run until the gun is fired. Now, when I pull the trigger, the gun will fire, and then you may run, but wait until the gun is fired. I will pull the trigger and you will then hear a shot. That means...
[Andy cuts him off so they can start the race]

David: [given the task to trim Andy's hedges] First, we must determine precisely what type of atmosphere we desire to create. The, uh, stately, dignified solid feeling of the hedges around Buckingham Palace or the shapely freeform that surrounds the fountains of Rome.
Opie: Pa usually just lops off the tops.

Sheriff: What are you gonna do tonight?
Deputy: Nothing! Sit around in my room; not much can happen to me there.

Andy: I tell you the truth, I'm surprised you didn't get to me, too.
Barney: Uh, well, if you want to get technical about it...
Andy: Huh?
Barney: Well, you could be reprimanded for being out of uniform. I mean, no tie and collar open, pants unpressed, not wearin' a revolver and gun belt, sleeves rolled up, your shoes...
[Andy holds up a hand for silence then marches himself off to his own jail cell]

Andy: Slow down, Barney. You're busier than a cow's tail in fly season.

Opie: Pa, are we rich?
Andy: Rich? You don't get rich bein' a sheriff.
Barney: You get investigated if you do.

Sharon: I like trying to be a big fish in a big pond, not a big fish in a little pond.

Briscoe: [to Charlene, after Andy asks for her to sing] Well sing that love song that I like so well.
Charlene: Oh that one makes you cry, Pa!
Briscoe: Well, I'll fight it!
[He does, however, end up crying during the song]

Sheriff: Uh, Opie, Barney says there was a poem written on the wall of the bank and that you was standin' along beside of it with a piece of chalk in your hand.
Opie: Yeah, but I didn't do it, pa. Honest.
Sheriff: I believe you.
Deputy: [angrily] Are you pittin' your crime detectin' judgement against mine?
Sheriff: Well, Barney, I have to, because, for one thing, Opie wouldn't lie to me.
Deputy: You call that evidence?
Sheriff: And for another, he ain't learned how to write yet.

Ellie: How dare you think I'd wanna marry you? Who do you think you are? Just because I accepted what I thought was a friendly, neighborly invitation... And for your information, Mr. Sheriff, I've given dozens of children free ice cream cones - even if they weren't the children of such gorgeous, charming, desirable catches as yourself! Well, let me tell you something, you big, brave hero - I wouldn't go to the dance with you if you were the last man on Earth, let alone marry you! Nor do I need your generous help in getting an escort. And just to prove it to you, I'm going to go with the first single, unattached man who comes through that door!
Deputy: [entering] Hi.
Ellie: YOU!
Deputy: Me?
Ellie: Yes. Are you taking anyone to the church dance Saturday?
Deputy: No.
Ellie: In that case, I accept your invitation! Thank You!
[Ellie storms off]
Deputy: [to Andy] I just come in here for some foot powder.

[in his last demonstration, Barney lifts Opie right up to the speaker]
Opie: [whispering] All right, Lefty, me and you's bustin' out tonight.
Barney: [shouting] You hear that, Anj?
Andy: [grinning ear to ear] Perfect! I heard every word. Now, if we can get one prisoner to hold the other'n up like that, we can hear every word they say.

Andy: Oh, comin' to supper. Old beau, not married, writin' you letters, and comin' to supper. Think maybe I better get out my Justice of the Peace book?

Barney: This is your subconscious. Come in, please.

[Opie's about to trade licorice seeds, which he knows are a sham, to a classmate for roller skates]
Andy: Uh, you know that, uh, that you've been taught the golden rule, "Do unto others as you would have 'em do unto you?"
Opie: Yes, Pa.
Andy: Huh. You think you've been followin' that rule?
Opie: Sure. Tommy did it unto me, and now I'm doin' it unto Jerry.

[rebuffed for butting in on a father-son talk, Barney exits to the back room]
Opie: Are Barney's feelings hurt, Pa?
Andy: Oh, I don't think so...
Barney: [popping back in] I think I can, uh, speak for my own feelings, Andy. Why do you ask that, Ope?
Opie: I don't know. I heard you were kind of sensitive.
Barney: "Sensitive." Me, sensitive?
Andy: [clears throat] Barn...
Barney: Boy, that's a nice thing to get started around. If there's anything that upsets me it's having people say I'm sensitive. There's one thing I'm not, it's sensitive. Talk about being misunderstood.
Andy: You're a little flushed.
Barney: THAT'S SPIRIT! I'm a VERY SPIRITED PERSON! There's a big difference, you know! Go on and have your little talk! It don't mean nothing to me anyways.

Sheriff: Now I'm warning you, if you throw one more rock...
Ernest T. Bass: I promise you Sheriff, I won't throw one more rock.
[Sheriff Taylor walks away]
Ernest T. Bass: . Didn't say nothin' 'bout no brick!

Andy: I thought you was supposed to be cleaning out the garage.
Opie: I wanted to have a talk with you.
Andy: Must be pretty important for you to break off in the middle of a chore.
Opie: It's preying on my mind, Pa.

Floyd: He's got nice hair. It's soft but it's strong. It's easy to clip. He sits real still in the chair too. Doesn't fidget one bit.

Andy: We owe Frank Myers 349,119 dollars and 27 cents
Mayor: Over a quarter of a million dollars.
Frank: I'll take it in cash.

Hilda: I tell ya Sheriff, that fella was so buttered-up, if you tried to grab him, he'd squoosh right outta your hands.

[Andy has driven out to the woods where Opie has said he's met with Mr. McBeevee; he swings a tree branch listlessly, lost in thought over the love he has for his son and the willingness to believe in something that sounds impossible]
Andy: [to himself, almost sarcastically] Mr. McBeevee.
Mr. McBeevee: [from atop a tree] Hello?
[McBeevee climbs down to Andy's astonishment]
Mr. McBeevee: McBeevee at your service. What can I do for you, mister?
Andy: You... walk around in the trees! Silver hat a-a-and you jingle! You can make smoke come out of your ears, can't you?
Mr. McBeevee: Uh-huh.
[Andy begins shaking McBeevee's hand very hard; he's happy to know Opie was telling the truth]
Andy: Mr. McBeevee, I can't tell you how glad I am to meet you.
Mr. McBeevee: Well, are you now?
Andy: I certainly am!
Mr. McBeevee: I didn't catch the name.
Andy: Oh, I'm Andy Taylor, Opie's dad.
Mr. McBeevee: Oh, are you, now? That's a wonderful boy!
Andy: Oh, he's a fine boy!

[Otis receives a letter at the courthouse]
Otis: Would you mind readin' it fer me, Andy? I ain't got my glasses.
Barney: Can't you read without 'em?
Otis: Only labels.

Barney: Repeat after me. I will be alert at all times.
Otis: I will be alert at all times.
Barney: I will try to look like a deputy and act like a deputy.
Otis: I will try to look like a deputy and act like a deputy.
Barney: I will at no time while wearing the uniform, take a drink.
Otis: I will try to look like a deputy and act like a deputy.
Barney: Otis, I said "I will at no time...".
Otis: No, don't help me. It just comes kind of hard. I will at no time while wearing the uniform, take a drink.

Opie: I'm a-drawin' on you, Sheriff. Draw.
Sheriff: Aw, why don't you turn yourself in peaceful-like, son? You'll get a fair trial.

Otis: You're right. I am a killer. I just killed a whole pint.

Briscoe: [Unable to understand Barney's law-enforcement talk] He arguin' with me?
Sheriff: He's agreeing with you.
Briscoe: Just so's I know where I stand.

Mayor: Two cows have been stolen, Sheriff. Something has got to be done about all this.
Andy: I expect you're right, Major.
Mayor: Well, these people here deserve proper protection and my administration gonna to see to it that they get it.
Andy: Major, I told Fletch we'd do all we could.
Mayor: Well, now, that doesn't seem to be enough. What I'd better do is phone down to the capital and have them send up a real professional. Yes, sir, Tate. By jolly, I'm to see to it personally that you get results. I'll have a man here in twenty-four hours - a man who really knows something about solving crimes. No offense, Sheriff. It just has to be done.

Rafe: I honest believe I'd rather spend another ten days in jail than to wear these government clothes.

Thelma: Barney's gonna be in the choir? My Barney?
Andy: That's right.
Thelma: But Barney can't sing.
Andy: I know.
Thelma: He's a warm, wonderful person - and I love him dearly - but he can't sing.
Andy: That's true.
Thelma: He's kind, considerate, good-hearted, the most gentle person I've ever known, but he can't sing.
Andy: You're right.
Thelma: He's the man I want to marry, the man I want to be the father of my children...
Andy: But he can't sing.
Thelma: Not a lick!

Sheriff: Somehow between now and the contest, we gonna have to eat up all the store pickles that Aunt Bee's got on hand.
Barney: Why don't we get rid of them the same way we got rid of the others?
Sheriff: No, no, that won't work See, she's gotta see them pickles disappear and she's gotta see us likin' them so much that she'll wanna make another batch.
Barney: I gotta tell ya, my heart ain't in this.
Sheriff: Well, it's not so much your heart we need, it's your stomach.

Ellie: Supposing I do make the rabbit run. Maybe you could work the same trick on YOUR little bunny.

Andy: I trust you because you don't lie to me. I lie to you because you don't trust me.

Mayor: Look, the only plaque that Otis Campbell deserves is from The Distillers Association of America.

Deputy: I'd give him a few karate chops, and it'd all be over!
Sheriff: He'd kill you.

Opie: Pa, what kind of bait are you puttin' on my line?
Sheriff: Why, that's fish-catchin' bait. That's the idea, you know, to catch fish.
Opie: That looks more like a piece of ham from our lunch.
Sheriff: Is that right? Well, now, that's probably 'cause it's a piece of ham from our lunch.
Opie: Pa, you're s'posed to use fish bait.
Sheriff: Well, now, son, all them fish ever see down there all day long's other fish, and they get mighty sick of it, too. Now-now, don't it just stand to reason that they might just perk up at the sight of a piece of meat?

Barney: [while reading off "criminals" and charges] Bee Taylor; age...
Aunt: You say another word Barney Fife and you'll live to regret it!

Opie: [Aunt Bee is about to have her first driving lesson] Can I go with Aunt Bee?
Andy: No no no, I don't want to lose everybody.

Rummage: Uh, how much is this?
Sheriff: Oh, 'bout three dollars.
Rummage: What you suppose it is?
Sheriff: If I knew that it'd cost you five.
Rummage: Sounds like a bargain.
Sheriff: Heh, yeah... yeah, one of these is nice to have.
Rummage: I always wanted one.
Sheriff: Yeah.

Andy: I before E except after C, and E before N in "chicken."
Barney: Yeah. I always forget that rule.

Deputy: I am not superstitious and who says I believe in chain letters; I just don't mess around with them that's all.
Sheriff: Superstition!
Deputy: Now here's where we come to a matter of terms; you call it superstition, I call it caution!

Colonel: My mission in life is health, is zest, is vigor, is the joy of living. What I offer you is no medicine. It is far more than that. It is a tonic, an elixir to purge the body. Are you overweight? Do you worry too much? Worry about money? Worry about the future? Well, then, friends, let me ask you one thing. Have you ever seen a fat, old, worried Indian? Have you ever known an Indian with ulcers?
Barney: [to Andy] I ain't ever known an Indian. Have you?

Andy: Now, you know how folks in these parts feel about their feudin'. Now what if it was to get out that we had a eighty-seven-year-old feud a-goin' on here with nary a killin' to show for it? Why, we'd be the laughingstock of the state.

Andy: Uh, well, anyway, Mr. Darling, uh, it's against the law to-to, uh, to dip your hat into the horse trough. That's for horses only.
Briscoe: There ain't a horse in sight, but if one comes along, I'll give him the right of way.

Barney: Aw, come on, Andy. Boy, you're funny, you are. You ought to go on a radio and be an all-night disc jockey. At least then I could turn you off.

Opie: Hi Otis, I see you got a snootful again.
Andy: Opie, I don't like to hear you use words like that.
Opie: What words, Pa?
Andy: Snootful. You don't even know what it means.
Opie: Sure I do, Pa. It's what Otis does that makes him walk in here crooked every week.

Deputy: You sure got slim pickins here. Dogs, nothin but dogs.
Sheriff: Barney!
Deputy: Andy, if you flew a quail through this room, every woman in it would point.

Andy: In the name of Boojum Snark, spirit of the fire, and Brillin Trant, spirit of the water and Grovely Barch, spirit of the air... I hereby declare us blood-brothers, never to be separated for ever and ever.

Barney: They're written a folksong about us!
Andy: [reading the town paper] "The Ballad of Andy and Barney or the Gangsters' Mistake." If that ain't the most ridiculous thing I ever...
Barney: Oh, no, no, no. Wait a minute, now. It's not too bad. Try it from the top. The tune is like "Frankie and Johnny."
Andy: What foolishness will they think of next?
Barney: Go ahead.
Andy: Mm. "Andy and Barney were lawmen / Bravest you ever did see / Warned every crook in the record book / To stay out of Mayber-ry / They were the law."
Barney: [joining in] "Yes, they were the law."
Barney: "... And they didn't know fear."
Andy: Throw that thing in the trash.
Barney: Now, wait a minute, Andy. It gets better in the second verse. Listen to this: "Pretty Boy Floyd com a-ridin' / Dillinger, too, big as life / They weren't alone - there was Al Capone / And in back of Mack the Knife / They broke the law..."
Andy: Barney, Barney, Barney, Barney, Barney, hold it!
Barney: What's the matter?
Andy: Whoever wrote that did it for a joke.
Barney: I did not!

Andy: Well, Barney, I believe a sobriety test is given to a prisoner when you first bring him in. Now, you ought to have done that to Otis last night.
Barney: Aw, Andy, you know we couldn't have given a sobriety test to Otis last night.
Andy: Well, why not?
Barney: He was too drunk.

Barney: You know, she used to do one thing that really burned me up! Every day I would offer her a bite of my snow cone, and you know what she would do?
Andy: What?
Andy: She'd bite of the end, suck all the syrup out, and leave me with just the ice! The ICE!

Barney: Now, I'm gonna test your reactions and your reflexes.
Otis: This jail's gettin' to be as bad as home.

Andy: Aunt Bee, that boy goes through britches like he was wearin' sandpaper underwear.

Andy: How's it look, Barn? Barn, how's it look?
Barney: Don't wear my hat, Ange!
Andy: What's that?
Barney: Don't wear my hat! I can't stand to wear a hat after it's been on someone else's head.

Sheriff: The station just barely is open. Wally, the owner, he don't even show up on Sundays.
Malcolm: Well, if it's open, there'll be someone there.
Sheriff: All depends on how you look at it. Gomer Pyle's in charge.
Malcolm: Good, He'll fix it.
Sheriff: I wouldn't count on it.

Barney: We're gettin' the real thing - Otis Campbell himself.
Mayor: What?
Barney: The hundred percent Otis Campbell - or should I say "hundred proof?"

Aunt: Andy, I'm sorry.
Andy: Oh, that's all right, Aunt Bee. You had a good time. I tell you the truth... I'm gonna kind of miss that singin'. Hey, I got a idea. For supper tonight, why don't you make a nice, big rum cake and get back on that piano stool.
Aunt: Oh, Andy, please!

Barney: Why don't we go up to the hospital some night and take the bolts off of the wheelchairs? That'd be funny, too.

Jake,: How'd you do, Myrt?
Myrt: Unloaded another one, Jake - three hundred easy clams from the sucker of the world.

Ernest T. Bass: I dropped by to invite you up to my cave to eat. Got some 'possum steaks, nice and tender. Been beatin' at 'em with a stick.

Andy: If I ever catch a certain little boy handcuffin' another little boy to a flagpole, he'll not only be a-plantin' spinach, he'll be a-eatin' it standin' up.

Sheriff: [after Opie makes an insulting comment about newly-arrived Aunt Bee's fried chicken, and Aunt Bee leaves the room] And to think I was glad when you learned to talk.

Aunt: Well the idea! Clara's beginning to think she led that charge herself.

Andy: Well, Barney, no use to get your skinny little veins to poppin'. It's just Sam Allen.

Barney: [Barney and other unwanted company are now leaving; the women have gone outside] I'm sorry this wasn't the one, Andy, but I'll keep working on it. You'll never be lonely as long as I'm around.
Andy: [Andy stands alone at the door; he talks out loud, shaking his head and rolling his eyes] I don't know what I did to deserve all this attention from him, but whatever it was, I ain't never gonna do it again.

Henry: Man needs someone to cake care of, and somebody to take care of him.
Opie: Well, if that's all you want, Mr. Wheeler, why don't you buy a dog?

Deputy: Aw, shucks, Andy. I want to do good on this job. Even if it's just deliverin' messages, I wanna do it right.
Sheriff: Well, I know you do, and-and-and I admire your attitude.
Deputy: You see, Andy, I want the folks in this town to realize that you picked me to be your deputy because you, well, you looked over all the candidates for the job, and-and you judged their qualifications and their character and their ability, and you come to the fair, the just, and the honest conclusion that I was the best-suited for the job. An... and I wanna thank you, Cousin Andy.
Sheriff: You're welcome, Cousin Barney.

Opie: Oh-oh.
Andy: What's the matter?
Opie: Every time grown-ups think of something for your good, it turns out to be not so good.

Andy: I'd be mighty pleased if you'd come through Mayberry again sometime. A little slower, of course.

Barney: Another time I arranged a date with a girl that he claims looked just like Benjamin Franklin. He's kind of lost faith in me and blind dates.

[Ernest T. Bass has crashed Mrs. Wily's party]
Mrs. Wiley: He burst into the house uninvited and started behaving in the most peculiar manner.
Andy: Like what, Mrs. Wily?
Mrs. Wiley: Oh, he stuck his hand in the punch bowl and ate every bit of the watermelon rind. And if that wasn't enough, he soaked the paper napkins in the punch and then he threw them at the ceiling.
Andy: Didn't anybody try to stop him?
Mrs. Wiley: Mr. Schwump tried to pinch him, but he just giggled and jumped away.

Briscoe: Ernest T. Bass!
Ernest T. Bass: In person.
Briscoe: You're a lowdown pesky buzzard!
[starts to walk away and then turns back]
Briscoe: Doggone ya!

Aunt: This isn't a living room. This is a combination closet, warehouse, wastepaper basket and storeroom.

Barney: Oh, boy. All this goin' on and I'm supposed to go back and shake doorknobs on a bunch of penny-ante stores.
Andy: Well, I'm sorry, Barney, but there's nothin' in the books that says it's illegal for a man to jump off his tractor and run up to his house.

Ernest T. Bass: Old Leg Briar, Jump in the Fire, Fire too hot, jump in the pot, Pot too black, jump in the crack, Crack too high, jump in the sky, Sky too blue, jump in canoe, Canoe too shallow, jump in the tallow, Tallow too soft, jump in the loft, Loft too rotten, jump into cotton, Cotton so white she stayed there all night.

Barney: How would you like it if I tried to steal Ellie away from YOU?
Andy: Well, um...
Barney: Oh, you don't think I can, do you?
Andy: Well, that's not the point.
Barney: POINT! Well, I CAN! And the funny part is you're the one that showed me how. All I gotta do is sweet-talk her - and I've seen just enough Rock Hudson pictures to know how to do that.

Barney: What's a matter? Haven't you ever seen a man take off a dress before?

Barney: Well, where there's smoke, there's firewater.

Andy: Where's the rest of the family? I mean, you're a mighty fine jug player, but I doubt there's a pair o' lips around with THAT much versatility.
Briscoe: You don't believe I can get banjo sounds out o' this jug?
Andy: No.
Briscoe: Man's entitled to his opinion.

Clara: Many a truth is said in jest.

Emma: Bad, BAD Sheriff!

Gomer: [asked who else could fix Malcolm's car] My cousin Goober, that's who.
Malcolm: He knows about motors?
Gomer: He hopped up an old V8 engine, put it on his rowboat. That thing'll do eighty. Now that's fast on water.

Floyd: How come you're puttin' on your uniform?
Deputy: In case we decide to hitchhike.
Floyd: Oh.
Deputy: In civvies I'm a little hard looking.

Deputy: [as seductive as a nervous little guy can be] Let's you and me dance.
Big: [surprised, as Barney had refused her before] You kiddin'?
Deputy: No, I'm not.
Big: What made you change your mind?
Deputy: [REALLY trying to be seductive now] You're beginnin' to get to me.

Andy: Let's have it... you know what I'm talkin' about. Hand it over.
[Opie hands over the slingshot]
Andy: You killed that bird, didn't you?... Didn't cha?
[Opie nods]
Andy: You remember me tellin' you to be careful with this thing?
Opie: I'm sorry, Pa.
Andy: That won't bring that bird back to life. Being sorry is not the magic word that makes everything right again.
Opie: You gonna give me a whippin'?
Andy: No, I'm not gonna give you a whippin'.
[opens the window]
Andy: You hear that? That's those young birds chirpin' for their mama that's never comin' back. You just listen to that for a while.

Andy: Even the ten-year-old boy can tell that.
Opie: Twelve.
Andy: Hush.

'Gentleman': I'll always think of this as my little house away from the big house.

Andy: Now, Barney, I'm not go'n to have time to go after the other two if I have to keep catchin' these same two over and over again.

Andy: The fact is, it's a terrible thing the high sheriff having to tie his own tie. Worst of all, Opie's back there having to eat eggs without faces on them. You call that living correctly?

[Charlene is playfully chasing Andy around the courthouse]
Andy: Charlene, I'm old enough to be your father!
Charlene: You've sure been beautifully preserved!

Andy: [after Ben leaves] Now, there's a man that's got everything. He's not only got all the money in town, he's got all the meanness, too.

Aunt: According to you, the Lord made two sexes - men and blabbermouths.
Andy: That was well put, Aunt Bee. Well put.

Elizabeth: I am going to win this case. If not here, I'll appeal to a higher court. If necessary, I'll... take it to the Supreme Court.
Andy: Suit yourself, lady, but you sure are takin' the hard way back to Washington.

Sheriff: [Bobby Fleet and his band members, arrested off screen, now stand at Andy's desk] Guilty as charged. That'll be twenty dollars or 24 hours in jail.
Bobby: [quickly spoken, in frustration] Twenty fish for a crummy parking rap?
Sheriff: Well, we try to keep it low for the first offense.
Bobby: Yeah, and how much of the twenty do you stick in your own kick?
Sheriff: Ohh, I wished you hadn't a said that. I mean, I don't mind an insult personally but, why, you've offended the dignity of my robes. Now, let's see... what is our price for robe dignity offendin'? Why, that's $50.
Bobby: [quickly spoken, in frustration] $50?
Sheriff: Yeah, plus the twenty, that's seventy altogether.
Bobby: Aw, come on now! Now, look Sheriff, there's no reason to get hot under the collar over this. I mean, uh, you've got your job to do, and I've got mine. Now, uhh... Oh, that reminds me. We're gonna be playin' at the capitol over the weekend. Now, how would you and your fine deputy here like to come and see us, huh? I'll see that you have a big time. Oh, you'll be my guests, of course.
Sheriff: Ohhh. Now, you have REALLY done it.
Bobby: [spoken very quickly, in exasperation] What, what, what, what, what?
Sheriff: Well, you just tried to bribe me is all. That's the worst thing anybody can do. I hate to tell you what the fine is on that.
Bobby: Never mind. I don't care what the fine is. I'm not gonna pay it.
Sheriff: Oh, you mean you'll take the 24 hours?
Bobby: That's just what I mean. No hick Sheriff is gonna bleed me. We'll all stay overnight.
Sheriff: Well, that's the way it'll be then.
[Andy bangs his gavel, closing the case]
Sheriff: Deputy, lock up the prisoners.
Deputy: Glad to! All right, let's move it along! Come on, on the double there! Come on, let's look sharp! Look sharp! Come on, get in there. And suck in that gut!

[after writing himself a traffic ticket]
Barney: A boob that's what I am, a boob!

Ernest T. Bass: [telling Andy about how girls react to someone coming home in a military uniform] Jelce walk with me, Jelce dance with me, Jelce kiss my mouth.

Andy: Now, the fine is two dollars or twenty-four hours. Now, what'll it be?
Otis: Andy, you know I always take the twenty-four hours. I wouldn't waste two dollars on somethin' that didn't have a cork in it.

David: It's the most perfect day to start any job - tomorrow. Most marvelous day that was ever invented. Why, there's absolutely nothing a man can't do... tomorrow.

Mrs. Mendelbright: [unsuspectingly drunk on hard cider] Well, I'd better go upstairs and get my shatzel... I mean, my stachel...
Oscar: Huh?
Mrs. Mendelbright: The thing I put my clothes in - my valoose.

Barney: I'm disappointed in you, Andy. I am REALLY disappoint... I have... I can't remember when I have been THIS disappointed in you.
Andy: What are you disappointed in me for?
Barney: Well, why didn't you stop me?
Andy: I couldn't stop ya.
Barney: That's right, that's right. Pass the buck.
Andy: Barney, I'm not passin' the buck. I'm just remindin' you of the facts, and the facts are: Jeff come to town, said he's lookin' for a bride, you said you'd help him, and the way you helped you took him over to Thelma Lou's, and that's how it all happened.
Barney: Oh, why hash over ancient history?

Sheriff: [Andy is trying to explain to Opie why it's sometimes okay to break a rule or promise] Well, uh, uh, um now, let me see... uh... suppose, uh... Suppose, suppose there was a little lake, and there was a sign on it saying no swimming allowed. Now that's a law, and a law is pretty much the same thing as a rule, ain't that right? Well now, uh, suppose, suppose there was a little boy and he broke that law, and went swimming anyway and started to drown. Now suppose there was a fellow standing there watching. Now, should he obey the law and let that little boy drown, or should he break the law and save the little boy?
Opie: Well, you couldn't let him drown.
Sheriff: Well, of course not!

Sheriff: Jim?
Jim: Hm?
Sheriff: Why in the world don't you do somethin' about yourself?
Jim: What do you mean, Andy?
Sheriff: Well, you got a fine talent there. You're the best guitar player I ever heard.
Jim: Well, that's mighty nice of you, Andy... but Mayberry ain't very big.
Sheriff: Well, now, who says you got to stay in Mayberry? You heard all these fellas that come through here playin' in the shows. How 'bout that fella we see every now and then on television, a'shakin' and a'screamin' - sounds like somebody's beatin' his dog. You're better than all of them.
Jim: Well, now, I wouldn't say that.
Sheriff: Well, yes, you are, too.

Andy: Didn't you belong to a secret club when you was little?
Barney: I can't tell ya.

William: Sheriff tells me you decided not to make a moulage.
Barney: [obviously unfamiliar with the word] A moulage? Y-y... yeah, that's right. We decided not to make a moulage, he-he. Oh, we told a few people, but we decided it didn't make sense upsettin' folks runnin' around blabbin', makin' a big moulage out of it.
Andy: Uh, Barney, he means a plaster cast of the prints.
Barney: Th-THAT kind of moulage.

Otis: I can't take four dogs home! My wife just barely lets *me* in the house!

Ernest T. Bass: I'm no account, Andy. I'm no-count.
Sheriff: You're not no-count, Earnest. You're just... ignorant, that's all.
Ernest T. Bass: Aw, you're being kind.

Andy: Daylight's precious when you are a youngin'.

Gladys: [cuddling up against Barney] Wouldn't you like to stay like this forever?
Barney: [uncomfortably] Well...
Gladys: Well, wouldn't you?
Barney: Yeah, I guess.
Gladys: Barney, do you mean it? Daddy! Daddy, come quick! Wait'll ya hear!
Barney: What? What? Hear what?
George: What is it? What is it? What happened?
Gladys: Daddy, guess what? Barney has just proposed to me.
George: He did?
Gladys: He did.
Barney: I did?

Andy: Ya know, since it was such a hard day, why don't you take a week off?
Barney: Ya mean that, Ange?
Andy: Yeah, take a week off, get a corner room at the Y
[MCA]
Andy: - really live it up!

Barney: [Andy has returned to the courthouse in a huff; he was supposed to be on a date with Peggy; he's angrily looking around for a magazine] What happened, did you get stood up?
Andy: No, I didn't get stood up. Have you seen my magazine?
Barney: Wasn't she home?
Andy: She was home, she was home... had company.
Barney: Company?
Andy: Yeah... .an old college pal of hers, guess what his name was?
[Nods while standing over the seated Barney--whose real name is Don Knotts]
Andy: DON. Wouldn't you know his name would be Don?
[Long pause from open-mouthed Barney]

Barney: You see a wild bird just flies in there to get them berries and then it knocks against that stick there and then this, this snare, you see, just falls down on it and you got it.
Gomer: Well, I guess it's gonna be tough eatin', though. A bird strong enough to move them rocks and knock that stick over's bound to be on the muscular side.

Jedediah: Why, us Wakefields been feudin' them Carters for eighty-seven years. You wanna go messin' it up now?

Aunt: Oh, no, wait a moment! We almost forgot!
[exits to the kitchen]
Barney: What'd she forget?
Andy: Well, I'll bet you a quarter she forgot a brown paper sack full of sandwiches. I never been on a trip in my life I didn't have to carry a brown paper sack full of sandwiches.
[Aunt Bee re-enters the room]
Andy: [as if he doesn't already know] What'd you forget, Aunt Bee?
Aunt: [matter-of-factly] Oh, just a brown paper sack full of sandwiches.

Opie: When Floyd gave me a haircut last week, he said it wouldn't be long before I'd be shaving.

Barney: Well, he did willfully with malice aforethought throw a checkerboard full of checkers. Could've blinded somebody.
Andy: Well, now, seein' as how that's been going on between Chester and Old Jud here for around twenty years, that's more a part OF the peace than it is disturbin' the peace. Case dismissed, Jud. You can go on home.
Jud: Thank ya, Andy. And thank you too, Barney.
Barney: What for?
Jud: Well, considering the kind of crime I done, for not tryin' to get me hung.

Ralph: [Drunken Ralph stumbles into the jail and locks himself in a cell] Well that's the way I do it back home. How do you folks do it here?

Barney: [Reading form the book on mountain folklore] "Put a willow chip under a dog's head while he's dreaming and then put it under your own pillow. You'll have the same dream." I didn't know that.

Andy: You know Jonah? He caught hisself a whale.
Opie: I thought the whale swallowed him.
Andy: Well now, that's what I mean. When somebody catches a fish from the inside, *that's fishin'*.

Opie: Guess we're ALL in for some gracious livin', huh, Pa?

Opie: Even the kids were kind of upset with me. Most of 'em had Colonels in their families too.

Opie: Pa, I don't wanna haircut. Those little hairs get down inside my shirt and they itch.
Sheriff: Take a bath and wash 'em off.
Opie: A bath! I have to take a bath, too?
Sheriff: That's right.
Opie: This is turnin' out worse than I thought.

Sheriff: Whole dollars you'll squander on your girlfriend Charlotte, but when it comes to the underprivileged children's fund, you got only 3 cents.
Opie: I wasn't gonna squander it, Pa. I wasn't gonna squander it... what's squander?

Gomer: [Barney leaves the room angrily after Gomer arrives] What's the matter with Barney?
Andy: Barney's been bitten by the green eyed monster
Gomer: He has? He should go down to the drug store, they've got some spray that'll keep 'em off of 'ya. One fell on me just yesterday.

Andy: Barney, I'd just tell you the truth, I'm scared to give you any more bullets. You come very near shooting yourself in the foot, and you know there ain't exactly much of a call for one-legged deputies.

Andy: 'Bout ready for bed?
Opie: Yeah, Pa.
Andy: Brush your teeth?
Opie: Just feel how wet the toothbrush is.
Andy: I want to tell you a little story. One time a long time ago, there was this little fella and he never brushed his teeth. Now you may not believe this, but all he'd do is wet his toothbrush. To him it was a right funny joke. Every time he thought about it, he smiled. And then one day, he quit smiling. Never smiled again the rest of his days.
Opie: Why didn't he smile any more?
Andy: He was too embarrassed. He didn't have any teeth.
[Opie turns to go back to the bathroom]
Andy: Where you goin'?
Opie: Guess I'll go brush my teeth again.

Andy: Well, that's a fine day's work. You've outsmarted justice and you've made a mockery of this court, and you've turned three people against me that I would have sworn would never leave my side. Oh, I can understand a shiny, autographed baseball turning a little boy's head, but I am a little disappointed in Floyd, and I'm real disappointed in my deputy. He's a law officer and ought to know better. Congratulations, ma'am. Been quite a day's work.

Deputy: [in the cell] All right, Lefty, you and me's bustin' outta here tonight.
Deputy: [yells out to Andy] D'you hear that?
Andy: Perfect. Heard every word.
Deputy: There ya are, complete control with just a flick of a switch.
Andy: Oh, I didn't turn on no switch. I heard you good and plain without it.

Deputy: I know how we can keep him from goin' to Raleigh.
Floyd: How are you gonna do that?
Deputy: All we have to do is manufacture a little trouble.
Floyd: You bein' sheriff is trouble enough. That should keep him here.

Sheriff: [struggling to get Briscoe's tie on] Hold still, Mr. Darling!
Briscoe: Ever since I saw a hangin', I been nervous 'bout wearin' one 'a these things!

Barney: Somebody just called to say I'm dead.
Andy: What?
Barney: That call. They said Barney Fife shot himself in the chest.
Andy: You did?
Barney: You think I'd know it if I shot myself in the chest, wouldn't you? That'd smart.

Andy: What'll it be, chicken or pot roast?
Opie: How about if we just had some chocolate cookies and milk?
Andy: Oh no, Aunt Bee would skin me alive if she thought I'd give you something like that for supper.
Opie: But she ain't here.

Ernest T. Bass: I'm a little mean, but I make up for it by bein' real healthy. Say you'll be mine. Say you'll be my beloved!

Briscoe: Better stop that deputy of yours. He'll get us stoned to death.

Barney: Yeah, we really packed it away.
Andy: Yeah, boy.
Barney: Fortunately, none of mine goes to fat. All goes to muscle.
Andy: Mmm.
Barney: It's a mark of us Fifes. Everything we eat goes to muscle.
[pats stomach]
Barney: See there?

Sheriff: Any phone calls?
Barney: No, just ol' Mrs. Vickers. Every time a blast goes off, she calls askin' if it's Yankee cannons comin' down the road.

Charlene: [Telling Andy why she is divorcing Dud] Last Sunday, I caught him makin' eyes at Idell Bushey durin' preachin'. And I know what they do up there in the hills when they say they're possum huntin'. They're just sittin' around the campfire, drinkin' hard cider, hittin' each other on the shoulder and hollerin' 'flinch!'.

Andy: Some day when you grow up and have children of your own, I'd like to be around when you explain it to your boy.

Aunt: Just imagine, he's old enough to be her father.
Barney: Yeah, it's a good deal for her, though. Harold owns half that sawmill. It's easy to see what May sees in December, Santa Claus.

Deputy: Where were you when the argument began?
Goober: You mean way back the other time?
Deputy: Yes, way back the other time.
Goober: Well I don't know. I was just 5 years old.

Otis: [after being told to dispose of his secret cache of whiskey] But the government doesn't want us to waste food!

Opie: And you know something? They don't have lunch in the kitchen, they have it in the dining room and they don't use table mats. They use a whole table cloth. And I think they only used it once, because Billy spilt some salad dressing right on the table cloth and the maid didn't even yell at him.

Floyd: [about Howard Sprague] The boy's got a lot of savvy. Reminds me of myself when I was 35.

Sheriff: What's small potatoes to some folks can be *mighty* important to others.

Barney: Next time I want a haircut, I'm gonna stick my head in a pencil sharpener.
Floyd the Barber: Yes, sir, and it'll fit, too.

[repeated line]
Goober: You wouldn't believe how he abuses this car. Speed, speed, speed's all he ever thinks about.

Barney: Hey, Ange...
Andy: Hum?
Barney: Since it IS Saturday night...
Andy: Hmm?
Barney: And they ARE good dancers...
[Andy side eyes him, and then the Fun Girls]

Rafe: I ain't never been to the doctor in my life.
Mary: Not ever?
Rafe: When I's born, I had my mama, and when I die, I'll have the undertaker. I don't see no sense in clutterin' things up in between.

Ernest T. Bass: If a duck stood still you could catch him by the bill.

Andy: Now, he was drivin' a little red sportscar, carryin a shotgun, and wearin' a big black mask. Didn't you get a little suspicious?
Goober: He coulda been huntin' ducks.
Andy: Wearin' a mask?
Goober: Well, uh, they are out of season.

Emma: I suppose you're not capable of gossiping.
Andy: Oh-oh, I guess we're capable all right, but somehow or another it just don't come as natural to us as it does to you all.

Barney: Oh, my gosh, there goes a whole cow!

Andy: Everybody sure is in a jaw-kissin' mood today.

Barney: Otis, did you hear what they want to do to me? They want to humiliate me. Embarass me. And the Mayor and Andy both standin' there watchin' it. What do you say to that?
[drinks a cup of spiked water]
Otis: Cheers.

Andy: And the United States is bordered on the west by uh... you wouldn't happen to know that would you?
Ernest T. Bass: [thinks for a moment] Old Man Kelce's Woods.
Andy: No, no. Big body of water.
Ernest T. Bass: Old Man Kelce's Crick?
Andy: It's an ocean.
Ernest T. Bass: Old Man Kelce's Ocean!

Sheriff: Dadburnit, I'm a sheriff and I got my duty to do.
Deputy: Yeah. Oh... oh... where're you goin'?
Sheriff: Home to get permission from my son to do it.

David: You know, I've grown awful fond of that young fellow. What's wrong?
Andy: Well, there seems to be something wrong with his thinkin'. He's gotten a little twisted on things lately, like bein' able to tell the difference between right and wrong.
David: Oh.
Andy: Not that that's an easy thing. A lot of grownups still strugglin' with that same problem, but 'specially difficult for a youngster, 'cause things rub off on 'em so easy.

Andy: I don't want him to be the kind of boy lookin' for fights, but I don't want him to run from one when he's in the right.

Andy: You and Emmett and Howard had a meeting?
Goober: Yeah, it's what we call a Police Emergency Committee. I's the chairman. I's the one to tell them when to hush up and all that.

Lucy: [In sheriff's office; speaks to Ed Sawyer] Now, I've never seen you before in my life and I think you're crazy!
Andy: I know he is!
Lucy: Would you please stop ringing my doorbell?
[Walks out]

David: I don't mean to break the law but seems I got no choice. If I move, I'm a vagrant. If I stand still, I'm loitering.

Andy: You beat everything, you know that?

Andy: You wanna buy this cannon?
Barney: No!
Andy: Well, stop makin' faces!

[to Briscoe about Andy]
Charlene: Aw, Paw! Can't I even *look* at the purty man?

Andy: Ladies... ladies, I-I hate to break in on you like this, but, uh... this is a raid. That's right, ladies, you're all under arrest.

Floyd: Amazing! Only this morning, he didn't know which side to butter his bread on. A few hours later, he's a genius.

[Opie has a crush on Thelma Lou]
Opie: Pa, just what can you do with a grown woman?

Floyd: [Barney accidentally rides into Floyd's yard on a horse] Barney, you seem to be on a horse. The reason I'm so surprised is... well I just didn't expect it.
Barney: [tries to get the horse to leave] Come on!
Floyd: Don't leave on my account.

Barney: Only one way to take care of it.
Andy: Nip it.
Barney: In the bud.

Aunt: And now, to climax these festivities, the choir would like to sing what I believe is the Italian National Anthem.
[the choir then sings "O Sole Mio"]

Barney: I'm gonna give you exactly three to get out here! One... Two... Three...
Rafe: [Rafe comes out with a rifle] And I'll give you exactly three to git off of my property!

Briscoe: TATERS!
Andy: How 'bout when you want somethin', just tell me and I'll tell Aunt Bee.

Helen: Hey, you wanna take a drive up to Myer's lake?

Barney: If it smells, I want it.

Opie: I got a feeling it's gonna be one of those jittery suppers.

Andy: [raising a toast] My friends, we are gathered here this evenin' to mark the beginnin' of a new life, a life a peace and quiet and gettin' along, the beauty and joy of which you now know and I'm sure ain't never gonna forget. It ain't no more than fittin', then, that we express our appreciation: To you, Jennie, who made all this possible when you stopped needlin' and ridin' and railin' and harassin' and naggin' poor old Fred here.
Jennie: Now, hold on a minute, Sheriff. I never did all that much naggin'.
Andy: Well, I'm sorry Jennie. Uh, to-to you then, Fred, who made all this happy life possible when you stopped comin' home all mean and nasty and awful.
Fred: Now, hold on, Sheriff. I may have come home out of sorts from time to time, but you got no call to say that I was mean and ornery.
Andy: Uh, to, uh, to-to whoever was the worst.

Opie: [as Dan ceases to be fascinating] You wouldn't shoot my pa!

Opie: Do you want me to say it again, Barney?
Andy: [chuckles] That's all right, Lefty. You can go ahead and bust out and play.

[before leaving the courthouse, Andy turns on the intercom system]
Andy: This is Mercury Control, over, A-OK and out!

Aunt: [drunkenly to Andy] Oh, girls, look who's here - Sheriff Matt Dillon! Where's Chester?

Barney: That little kissy on the jaw, that, uh, felt kinda good, didn't it?
Andy: It felt better than a mule's nose, yes.

Aunt: I'll never forget my first blind date, Orville Buck. We went ice skating. He had the weakest ankles, I had to hold him up all night. Besides that we disliked each other, right from the start. We fought about everything. He was killed later in an explosion.

Goober: I know! But a employee aught to have a vacation every now and then. To fish and rest. I don't wanna burn myself out. I 'member my daddy tellin' me a person's only got one body, and he was right, too.

Barney: [to the dogs in the squad car] All right, move over. I'm drivin'.

Andy: Now look here, Mr. Case, you can carry on and make threats against me all you want to, but you're scarin' my deputy half to death and I wished you'd just stop it.

Andy: [to Emmett] You blew it. You stood right there and blew it.

Teena: Barney!
[Tina jumps into Andy's arms]
Andy: Uh, actually, uh, actually that's Barney.
[points to Barney]

Ernest T. Bass: Now there ain't nobody can say more about a possum than I can. After all, I lived 6 months with a possum and a raccoon too.
Sheriff: You lived with a possum and a raccoon?
Ernest T. Bass: Sure, that's where I learned to wash my food afore I eat it.

Barney: you sure you're not mad any more?
Andy: I'm not mad.
Barney: Positive?
Andy: I'm positive.
Barney: You're still mad. I can tell.
Andy: You keep it up and I'll get mad.

Floyd: You know how we always do a pageant showing the founding of Mayberry? Well, how 'bout WITH that we also have a... beauty pageant?
Sam: Beauty pageant. You mean with girls?
Andy: Uh, well they help.

Aunt: Barney's right. One day you'll go to call on Ellie and her husband will greet you at the door.
Andy: Husband?
Aunt: That's right, along with their two children.
Andy: Well, golly, Aunt Bee, what am I supposed to do?
Aunt: You're supposed to get engaged. You're supposed to stake your claim.
Andy: Engaged?
Aunt: Yes. I think it's a step you ought to take. Ellie's a wonderful girl, and if she's gonna have a husband, it ought to be you.
Opie: Yeah, Pa. And if she's gonna have kids, it ought to be me.

Andy: What do you know about love?
Floyd: What do I know... about love... about love... A man can't cut hair for thirty years without learning SOMETHING!

Andy: [explaining the founding of America to four school boys] Well, one time a long time ago, this country was a part o' England, and we wasn't gettin' along with 'em too good. Fact, we was thinkin' about breakin' away and startin' our own country, but the king over there in England, he says, "You do that and I'm gonna send my redcoats." They was British soldiers and he's a gonna send 'em here to whup us.
Barney: Of all the nerve.

Opie: I got a feeling if you decide on the foundation, we're not gonna see pumpkin pie again for a long time.

Opie: That's my problem. He's a man of few words and I need 500 of them.

Otis: No. No-no. No, Andy. Don't never apologize to a woman. I say, if you got an argument with a woman, stand up and fight it out.
Andy: Well, fightin' it out's what put you behind them bars, Otis.
Otis: But she threw a dish at me.
Andy: Well, you swung a leg of lamb at HER.
Otis: But I missed her.
Andy: Yeah, but cha hit her mother.
Otis: [in fond remembrance] Yeah. Right in the mouth.

Sheriff: Now, here, here is a map of the United States.
Ernest T. Bass: "United States."
Sheriff: That's right. Now the United States is bounded on the north by Canada, on the south by Mexico, on the east by the Atlantic Ocean, and on the west by - uh, would, uh, you happen to know that?
Ernest T. Bass: [thinks] Old Man Kelsey's woods!
Sheriff: No. All the way to the edge - big body of water.
Ernest T. Bass: Old Man Kelsey's crick!
Sheriff: Ocean.
Ernest T. Bass: Old Man Kelsey's ocean!
Sheriff: Pacific Ocean.
Ernest T. Bass: "Pacific Ocean!"
Sheriff: Very good, very good.
Ernest T. Bass: Yeah, I sure know my boundaries good, don't I?
Sheriff: You sure do.
Ernest T. Bass: [frowns] Just as long as they don't change 'em 'fore I take my test.

Opie: Go on, pa. You gotta fall down and die.
Sheriff: Well, I'll tell you the truth, son. I just got other things to do. I'm just too blame busy to die right now.
Opie: Aw, shucks.
Sheriff: I'll die a little later on if I get the chance, though.

Sheriff: Them fellas goin' into the barbershop there.
Barney: What about 'em?
Sheriff: Ain't they the same three fellas we saw goin' in there yesterday about this time?
Barney: Yeah, now that you mention it, they do look familiar.
Sheriff: Yeah. Don't that seem a little strange to you, customer goin' back to the barbershop the very next day?
Barney: No.
Sheriff: No?
Barney: No. Didn't you ever hear of a person with a compelsion complex.
Sheriff: A what?
Barney: Compelsion complex, you know, like when folks gotta be a washin' their hands all day long - that's a hand-washin' compelsion. Well, what you're lookin' at there, that's a case of hair-cuttin' compelsion.
Sheriff: All three of 'em?
Barney: Well, all three of 'em's got the compelsion. Listen, you find compelsion nuts all over.

Jeff: How 'bout that, little buddy? Ain't that a good one?

Sheriff: I don't know why I am always gettin' my britches caught on my own pitchfork.

Barney: Yeah, it's tough all right. As my old voice teacher used to say, "A choir without its tenor is like a star without its glimmer." You know who used to say that? My old voice teacher. That's the teacher I had when I studied voice.

Barney: It ain't only the materialistic things in this world that makes a person rich. There's love and friendship. That can make a person rich.

Andy: You remember, you took over this job 'cause they lost their ma. Well, there's that one other thing that she woulda done. That's to let 'em go.

Andy: [Briscoe is getting dressed for Charlene's wedding] Hold still, Mr. Darling, while I put on your tie.
Briscoe: Ever since I saw a hangin', I been nervous about wearin' one of these things.

Otis: [as he drags the goat from his cell] This is my cell, and I don't share my cell with anybody!

Andy: Those prizes are taxable.
Aunt: Oh that, yes I know.
Andy: Did Goober tell you?
Aunt: No, Goober didn't tell me. Goober told Floyd, Floyd told Warren, Warren told Jud, and Jud told me.

Barney: You s'pose we ought to put a plaque in that cell there - "Otis Campbell slept here?"
Andy: "Slept it off here"'d be more like it.

Opie: George is runnin' away from home to be a cowboy. He only wants to stay here until he figures out whether he wants to go to Texas or Wyomin'.
Sheriff: You mean his folks don't know?
Opie: Aw, pa, how can you run away from home if you're folks know.
Aunt: Oh course. It kind of takes the starch out of the whole thing.

Aunt: Why is Opie acting so strange?
Andy: Well, the boy is facin' up to some awful unusual problems. Fact is, Opie's just become a mother.

Aunt: [to Bert] What have you got in your suitcase?
Andy: [imitating Bert's style] Oh, he's got, first, one thing, then another in there, Aunt Bee.
Barney: [joining in] What about different things?
Andy: I forgot different things, and a whole lot of this 'n' that.
Barney: Oh, I don't know. I think Aunt Bee'd like one thing and another.
Andy: Hard to tell - either that or different things.
Barney: Yeah.
Aunt: What're you talking about?
Andy: Now look here, Aunt Bee, it's either gonna be socks, razor blades, or first one thing and then another. Now, we ain't got time to stand around here while you make up your mind. We're busy.

Malcolm: I found the soda crackers!

Sheriff: I just don't know what to do. I can't put him in jail, he keeps breakin' out. I can't make him understand he's got to leave Helen alone. I don't know what to do with him.
Deputy: Well, you won't listen to me - you won't listen to your old dad. All I have to do is give him a couple of karate chops, flip him into a corner, and he'd get up and head back for the mountains, never to be seen again.
Sheriff: He'd kill you.
[Barney looking annoyed]
Sheriff: Well, the easiest way is to satisfy him - he wants an education, we'll give him an education. We'll fix him up with a diploma and everything.
Deputy: I still say, five minutes behind the barn!
Helen: He'd kill you.

[repeated line]
Arnold: They went wooooooooo!

Mayor: Sheriff, you'd better go out there and find him and bring him back - if he's still in the county.
Andy: He is and he'll be here.
Mayor: Well, Sheriff, you'd better see to it, because after the governor hears about THIS, somebody else might just be wearing that badge.

Andy: I tell ya the truth, if a fella was tryin' to get hisself into jail, he couldn't do a better job than...
Ben: Oh, you're crazy. Why would I do a fool thing like that?
Andy: Yeah, why would you, Ben?

Goober: Never met a horse yet that didn't eat like a horse.

Sheriff: Well, how 'bout, um, 'Knowledge is the... tool of life'?
Aunt: Good, Andy! Good!
[writing]
Aunt: Knowledge is the tool of life.
[to Andy]
Aunt: Who said it?
Sheriff: Me.
Aunt: Oh? I thought maybe it might be somebody like Shakespeare.
Sheriff: No. I beat him to it this time.

Andy: Ope, uh, when you get together with your friends, uh, do you ever talk about girls?
Opie: What for?

Sam: Why do babies pick such crazy hours to be born?
Andy: Well, I don't know. I guess they just ain't old enough to have watches yet.

Opie: You gonna fingerprint me, Barney?
Aunt: Oh, don't joke, honey! He's liable to send you up to state prison.

[Barney talks about training Opie]
Opie: You mean you're gonna make me one big muscle, too?
Barney: Yeah.
Andy: Uh, 'cept in your case, we'll try to stop at the neck.
Barney: [irritated] That's very comical, Andy, only comicalness don't win no medals.

Andy: Otis, there's a letter here for you.
Otis: For me?
Andy: Yeah. Who'd be sendin' you a letter to this address?
Barney: I don't know why they shouldn't. Sure is a home away from home.

Andy: Am I right, or... or-or-or wrong? Uh, you... you never have been in Mayberry before, have you?
Ed: No, never.
Andy: But you figure to be happy here?
Ed: Are you kiddin'? Why shouldn't I be?
Andy: Oh, I... I don't know. Why should you be?
Ed: Why, because Mayberry's my hometown. So long, Andy.

Andy: [deciding on dinner] You need something that builds you up.
Opie: We could chew tar. Johnny Paul Jason says tar's real good for the teeth.
Andy: That's an old wives' tale.
Opie: Johnny Paul ain't married.

Aunt: [Explaining how she spent her first paycheck] ... .and $10 worth of groceries. We'll have a real celebration!

Andy: Uh, don't you... don't you wanna hear that story, Opie?
Opie: Not 'specially, Pa.
Andy: Well, is there, uh, is there another one that you 'druther hear?
Opie: Yeah.
Andy: Which one?
Opie: Do you know the one about the Kansas City Million Dollar Heist or The Toledo Payroll Caper?

Barney: [stationing Gomer and Otis outside Andy's home] Now, remember, if anything suspicious happens, you call me.
Gomer: Right. Hey, Barn? I ain't got no phone out here.
Barney: You civilians just don't know how to think on your feet, do you?

[Barney's upset with Andy because he was led to believe Opie did have a horse named Blackie; Andy leans down and talks to thin air]
Andy: Now you see, Blackie, what a mess you got me into?

Sheriff: I'm dogged it don't make a fella feel right bad to get ten-foured right in the middle of a idea.

Sheriff: Call the man!

Mr. Carter: Course I know the reason I'm shootin' at him.
Andy: Well how come?
Mr. Carter: Cause he's a Wakefield.
Andy: What does that mean to you?
Mr. Carter: It means I gotta shoot at him.
Andy: Well why do you have to shoot at him?
Mr. Carter: Cause he's a Wakefield.

Deputy: [the Darlings' heavy snores keeping him awake] Andy?
Sheriff: Hm?
Deputy: Are you asleep?
Sheriff: Are you kidding?

Andy: You've been livin' here six years and I've seen you every day of it and I know the color of your hair and that ain't it.

Andy: If the person who did rob the bank in Raleigh should confess, I'm sure he'd get a lighter sentence.
Eddie: You know, Sheriff, a little violin music would have gone good with that.

Millie: If I asked you to do something for me, would you?
Howard: Well, if it would make you happy, Millie.
Millie: I know you would think it's real silly.
Howard: Oh, nothing you would ask me to do would be silly.
Millie: Shave off your mustache.

H. Fred Goss: Got the spots out, Otis. Might save us all a lot of trouble if you get yourself a whiskey-colored suit.

John: [on handling the Barney problem] Well, what do you suggest?
Andy: Maybe he'll fall down and break his mouth.

Sheriff: Aww, Emmett does all right.
Goober: Yeah, but he don't drive a big car like that.
Sheriff: Well, they're nice to have, but they're not everything. Emmett's got a good life. He's got good friends and a nice wife. Those things are important.
Goober: Well, they got to be if you ain't got a big car.

Sheriff: Well, I'm sorry to hear that, Ernest T. I know how important it is to ya to get a girl.
Ernest T. Bass: I've tried courtin' Hog Winslow's daughter; Hogette.
Deputy: Pretty name.
Ernest T. Bass: Hogette is French. French name.
[animated]
Ernest T. Bass: Well, I courted her as proper as proper can be. First off I wrote her a love note asking her to go on out with me. And then I tied it on to the prettiest rock ya ever did see. And then I give it the prettiest toss ya ever did see... right through the front window!
Sheriff: Well, did Hogette come on out with ya?
Ernest T. Bass: Couldn't. Caught her right there.
[points to a spot above his left ear]
Ernest T. Bass: Seven stitches.

Deputy: Just give me five minutes behind the barn with him!
Helen: He'd kill you.

Otis: I don't trust my own judgement when I'm sober.

Opie: I think I'll split over there and get some of those cool looking potato chips.

Opie: If honesty is such a good policy, how come I'm out a cap pistol?

Andy: [on the phone] If you don't want magazine subscriptions or your septic tank pumped out, there's a sign you can get that says no peddlers or agents.
[pause]
Andy: Well, sure that applies to septic tank pumpers... sure. Now take down those disease signs, Nelvin.

Jeff: Thelma Lou, you're... you're juicier than a barrelful of corn squeezin's.

Army: [after telling Ernest T. Bass to say ah and inspecting his mouth] Okay let's have a looks at your ears.
[shines a light in Ernest T.'s ear]
Ernest T. Bass: Aaaahhhhhhh
Army: No, no.
Ernest T. Bass: Well what do I say for this one?
Army: Hush.
Ernest T. Bass: Huuuuuuushhhhh

[Andy signals the maître d' to interpret the French menu]
Barney: Don't do that, Andy. You'll embarrass me. He'll think you're just a plain hick.
Andy: Well, Barney, there's worse things than bein' a plain hick, like bein' a hungry one.

Andy: Uhh... whadda ya mean, "No, not this one?"
Matt: Oh, some guy in a uniform come by a while back actin' like all high and mighty.
Neal: Yeah. Wavin' his arms, givin' orders, tellin' us we was sellin' and vendin', just carryin' on.
Andy: This fella that was, uh, by here, if he told you to move on, why didn't ya?
Matt: Why? Because he was a clown, wavin' his arms and makin' speeches. Couldn't take him serious.
Neal: When Matt here just stomped his foot at him, he took off like a quail. Right, Matt?
Matt: Right.
Andy: I wished ya hadn't o' done that. Now he's gonna play that ugly game he always plays. I just hate it when he does that.
Matt: Game?
Andy: Well, what he does with somebody that's breakin' the law is he... he tells 'em to quit or move on or somethin' like that, and if they do what he says, well, there's no trouble - but if they don't, everybody better look out. Mm.
Neal: Now, hold on, Sheriff. Are you sure we're talkin' about the same fella? A little skinny fella that was down here earlier?
Andy: [nodding] Little skinny fella. Deputy Barney Fife. Got a few other names, too - Barney the Beast, Fife the Fierce, Crazy Gun Barney...
Neal: But he was a scared rabbit. He run from us.
Andy: I know, I know. That's what's so tricky and mean about him. He acts scared... and then, um, sets you up for the kill. How long do you think it'll be before you all can get loaded up and outta here?
Matt: Uh, about half an hour.
Andy: Well, I sure hope you're gone when he gets back. But, again, I'll-I'll tell you what he does when he's gettin' ready to draw. He usually, uh, clears his throat, then he tugs at his collar, and then he, uh... he beats his fist on his holster. When he does all that - go!
Matt: Go?
Andy: GO! Don't mess around. Maybe he'll count ten, maybe he'll miss ya, but I wouldn't take any chances. I'd go. RUN!
[Matt and Neil hurriedly pack their truck]
Andy: I, uh, I hope nothin' bad happens, but in case it does, we'll hold onto your truck for your kin.

Mayor: I specifically asked you to get us a substitute for him, but you didn't! You got HIM.
Andy: You did, and I didn't, but I did.
Mayor: How could you do it?
Barney: Well, he did.
Mayor: You didn't.
Andy: I did.
Mayor: How?
Andy: I just did.

Briscoe: Stop that, boy! You want your face to freeze that-a-way?

Floyd: [Barney's dog is trying to track the scent of Floyd's handkerchief] What's he looking for, Andy?
Andy: You.
Floyd: Me? Well... I'm right here.

Andy: Since Otis started doing his drinking in Mt. Pilot, about the only customers I have are a couple of fat old spiders.

[Barney's smooth ploy to get Andy over to the coffee shop has so far not worked]
Barney: [anxiously] Andy, let's go over to the coffee shop and have a cup of coffee.
Andy: Well, why?
Barney: [exploding] TO MEET THELMA LOU'S COUSIN FROM ARKANSAS, THAT'S WHY!
Andy: What?
Barney: THELMA LOU'S GOT THIS COUSIN IN TOWN, SHE'S FROM ARKANSAS, AND I PROMISED THELMA LOU I'D GET YOU TO THE COFFEE SHOP TO MEET HER AT 3:00 AND, IF I DON'T, THELMA LOU'S GONNA BE MAD AT ME.
Andy: Oh. Okay.
[Andy starts to head out]
Barney: NOW, LOOK, ANDY, IT AIN'T OFTEN I ASK YOU TO DO ME A FAVOR, BUT THE ONE TIME I DO, YOU'D THINK YOU'D BE A LITTLE MORE COOPERATIVE. ALL I ASK IS A SIMPLE THING LIKE THAT... Where're you goin'?
Andy: Over to the coffee shop to meet Thelma Lou's cousin from Arkansas. You comin'?

Opie: What's a soliloquy?
Andy: Well a soliloquy is where you kind of look away off and kinda talk to yourself.
Opie: Oh.
Andy: They used to do that a whole lot back then. You do it today and somebody will take you away.

Andy: Act nice and try to get along with one another.

Sheriff: There goes a happy man.
Deputy: There goes a happy nut.

Clyde Plaunt: You'll be wearing that mustache on the back of your head.

Opie: What does that mean, Pa?
Andy: What's what mean?
Opie: "Passed the hand-holding stage and ready to set the date."
Andy: Means they're ready to set the date for the wedding.
Opie: But I thought Barney HAD a girl - Thelma Lou.
Andy: He does. This is somebody else.
Opie: Well, what does he need two of 'em for?
Andy: [flatly] He doesn't.

Aunt: Oh, Dr. Breen, your sermon has such a wonderful lesson for us.
Andy: Yes, sir, you really hit the nail right on the head there.
Barney: Yes, sir, that's one subject you just can't talk enough about... SIN.

Deputy: [Testifying at hearing] ... Why Andy's the best friend I got in the whole world. And as far as I'm concerned, he's the best Sheriff too. All them things I said; for example, his using the squad car for personal reasons. Sure, he was delivering groceries to Emma Watson because she was too sick to get down to the market. And that's just one example of the thing's Andy's done for the folks in this town. I could give you a lot more. You gotta understand, this is a small town. The Sheriff is more than just a Sheriff. He's a friend. And the people in this town, they ain't got a better friend than Andy Taylor. As far as Andy knowing his job... I'd just like for you to take a look in the record book Mr. Jackson. You know there ain't been a major crime committed in this town thanks to Sheriff Taylor? The only ruckus you'd ever have in Mayberry is if you tried to remove him from office. Then you'd have a riot. You asked me if Andy runs a taught ship Mr. Milton. Well, no he don't. But that's because of something that he's been trying to teach me every since I started working for him. And that is, when you're a law man and you're dealing with people, you do a whole lot better if you go not so much by the book, but by the heart. I guess maybe that's kinda hard for some of you to understand... I don't know... its all I got to say.

Barney: Now I have here a woodcarving set, a leather craft set, a metal craft set, and a Mr. Potato set. Now, who wants what? Now, it makes no difference to me which one you take. Well, come on, come on. Speak up. Which one do you want?
Junior: I'll take the Mr. Potato set.

Barney: Where you goin'?
Opie: I'm leavin'. You're a sight.

Colonel: [trying to give Andy a bottle of elixir on the house] No, please, Sheriff, test it. See if it doesn't make you feel better.
Andy: I feel fine. Let's go, Barney.
Colonel: [pityingly] None so blind as those who will not see.

Andy: Would you like to order?
Mavis: Oh, maybe just something to drink. I know, a root beer float. They make me bubbly all over.
Andy: Good, good, good.
Mavis: Bubbly wubbly. Oh Andy, your laugh wrinkles just drive me crazy.

Gomer: What a dumb trick. This is the dumbest trick. Barney, don't you ever call be dumb again.

Barney: [advising Opie as he waits for his girl] This time when she comes by, you step right out and you say to her "Well, here I am, you lucky girl! You play your cards right, maybe I'll let you walk with me."
Opie: But, she...
Barney: Go on, you try that! Now, it never misses. Is she comin'?
[Opie looks around the corner and nods]
Barney: [softly] Go on. Try it. Go on.
Opie: [off camera] You're lucky. You play your cards right and you get to walk with me.
Thelma: [off camera] Well, I'll take you up on that.
Opie: Thanks, Barney.
Thelma: Hi, Barney. I was just on my way to pick you up for our soda.
Opie: Wanna come along, too, Barney?
Barney: [chagrinned] No, thanks.

Andy: I told him I believed him.
Barney: You told him you beli... But Andy, what he told you's impossible!
Andy: Well, a whole lotta times I've asked him to believe things that, to his mind, musta seemed just as impossible.
Barney: Oh, but, Andy... this silver hat, and the jinglin', and the smoke from his ears - what about all that?
Andy: Ohh, I don't know, Barn. I guess it's a time like this when you're asked to believe somethin' that just don't seem possible. That's the moment that decides whether you got faith in somebody or not.
Barney: Yeah, but how can you explain it all?
Andy: I cain't.
Barney: But you do believe in Mr. McBeevee?
Andy: No, no, no. I DO believe in Opie.

Barney: [irritated with Opie] For days now, I've been trying to get a date with Thelma Lou, but he's always around.
Andy: You see there, you never shoulda let him in on all your secrets on how to handle women. See, he stoled your girl right away from ya, but I'll tell you what. He has to be in bed by 8:30, so that'll give you evenings to catch up to him.

[Andy has gotten a manicure from Ellen Brown and turns to Barney]
Sheriff: You're next.
Barney: What?
Sheriff: [planting Barney on the chair] You just plant yourself down there.
Barney: [standing up] But Andy...
Sheriff: You'll enjoy it!

Opie: [handing over a bundle of clothes] Would you take this down to the courthouse and hold it there for me?
Andy: Well, I guess I could. Ch'oo want me to do that for?
Opie: Well, if somethin' was to happen that got my clothes tore and messy, I figured I could go over to the courthouse and change so's Aunt Bee won't know about it.
Andy: Oh, I see.
Opie: You know how she is when a fella gets his clothes tore and messy.
Andy: She sure does kick up a fuss, don't she?
Opie: She sure does.

Deputy: Well, play the game! Play the game! I hate it when you get obtuse!

Deputy: Neatness counts. Make order the order of the day.

Sheriff: [Addressing the Darling boys after meeting their newborn niece] You boys must be pretty proud to be uncles?
Briscoe: [Explaining after the boys remain silent with a blank stare] Oh, they're too choked-up to say anything.

Malcolm: I might have traveled the length and breadth of America without ever finding out what Americans were really like. I used to think we were quite different, you know, then I came into your home and saw how you lived. You're not different at all, really, and if it hadn't been for your dad, none of this would have been possible.

Barney: [Barney sees that Malcolm is obviously drunk] Andy... He's gassed!

Howard: Wanna buy a boat in a bottle?

Professor Hubert St. John: Fortunately, most of the natives we met in the interior of Brazil were friendly. Still, whenever I was invited to dinner, I never knew if I was the guest or the entrée.

Andy: You got a pretty good idea of the kind of woman Ethyl was.
Aunt: Have I.
Andy: Well, suppose you suddenly became the kind of woman Ethyl wasn't?
Aunt: Oh Andy, what a wicked idea!
Andy: Sorry.
Aunt: Will you help me?

Andy: Barney, I declare, I just don't understand you. You said 'em all fine right there. Now, how come you can't say the same thing to Thelma Lou?
Barney: Well, I guess the trouble is I can... I can only say 'em to a face like yours, you character.

Myrt: That's the clunker we sold to that boob in Mayberry.

Sheriff: You're guarding all the main roads.
Capt. Barker: [coldly] Something wrong with that?
Sheriff: Well, no, not if you expecting that criminal to come through here on the bus, but you got to give some thought to the idea that he might get sneaky about that thing, come down one of the side roads.

Malcolm: Why do they leave a boy like that in charge?
Sheriff: Well, it's just a part-time job. He's savin' up money for college, studyin' to be a doctor.

Aunt: Let's go in and have some supper.

Barney: Andy, you havin' a spell?

Barney: Great work, chief. Who are they? What'd you get 'em on? 502? 626? 308? Want me to send out an "APB"?
Andy: "All Points Bulletin", Barney? They're already here. They're captured.

Sheriff: You WOULD show up today, Otis! About one loaded goat at a time's all we can handle!

Andy: [reading from the newspaper article] "The whole fiasco began with the death of Bessie Lawson."
Aunt: There, you see, Floyd's great grandmother.
Andy: "Bessie was their mean ol' cow that an indian shot by accident."

Barney: And you better gird your loins, buster. You got a fight on your hands.

Andy: Well, I gave y'all a nickel every time you DID play nice.
Opie: I know, Pa, but Billy would rather play good games for nothin' than get a nickel for playin' nice. Sure is borin', Pa.

Barney: Hey Andy, remember the Hubacher brothers?
Andy: Oh yeah, they sent us a card this year, did they?
Barney: Yeah, they always send out such nice family pictures.
Andy: Where are they now?
Barney: Up in State Prison.
Andy: [looking at the picture on the card] Hey, look at that Elmer.
Barney: He's the baby, ain't he?
Andy: Yeah.
[reading the card]
Andy: Merry Christmas from State Prison.
Barney: I think it's just wonderful that they're all together at Christmas.

Opie: They don't give you no medal for tryin'.
Andy: I know that. I know they don't - and it's nice to win something. It's real nice to win something, but it's more important to know how NOT to win something.
Opie: I know how to do that real good.
Andy: No, you don't.
Opie: You mean there's more things I coulda not won?
Andy: I mean, you coulda been a nice loser. They call it sportsmanship.

[last lines]
Briscoe: I'm sorry, Sheriff. It looks like they's gonna get together.
Andy: Well, some's got it and some ain't.

Andy: I didn't know you was in Spanish club.
Barney: Si.

Andy: Got quite a knack, I mean, the way you make friends so easy.
'Gentleman': Oh, that's my business, Sheriff, making friends.
Andy: Seem to've made quite a few right here in Mayberry.
'Gentleman': They're nice people, Sheriff. I'd like to do something for them.
Andy: Sure you wouldn't like for 'em to do somethin' for you?
'Gentleman': Never know. You never know.

Ellie: Okay, Barney, what'll it be.
Barney: Does it have to... BE anything?
Ellie: Well, no. No, you can sit down if you like. I just have this prescription to finish.
Barney: You know the light in here does crazy things to your hair.
Ellie: What?
Barney: Oh, why pretend? I LIKE you, Ellie. You're my kind o' woman.
Ellie: What?
Barney: Let's not try to fight it... baby.
Ellie: Barney Fife, have you been drinking?
Barney: Oh, baby...
Ellie: [slaps his hand] Oh, now stop. I haven't time for this nonsense. Now-now, stop acting like a juvenile.
Barney: I feel sorry for you, baby. You-you had your chance to fly with me but you wasn't woman enough. Now the balloon's gone up without cha.

Mr. Harmon: [to mayor and crowd] I could have built a set like this in Hollywood.

Otis: You know, Andy, I've given that woman some awful bad times, but wait till you see her at that presentation. She's go'n be as proud as a peacock.

Barney: [Barney and Andy have found Ben's still] Let's go in shootin'.
Andy: Now easy, Barney. That's ol' Ben, he's a friend of ours. There ain't no call to go shootin' at ol' Ben. We'll just move in and take him easy like. Come on.
[Yells to Ben]
Andy: Howdy Ben. I say, Ben, you got company.
[Ben shoots at them]
Barney: Don't go shootin' at ol' Ben, huh? Well ain't that better than him shootin' at ol' us?

Briscoe: Did you find Ernest T. Bass?
PFC Dudley A. 'Dud' Wash: I tried to, but he wasn't there - his cousin said he went off in the woods to kill a mockingbird.

Opie: I told Mr. McBeevee I'd be right back.
Andy: Who?
Opie: Mr. McBeevee. You don't know him. He's new around here. I just met him this mornin'.
Andy: Oh.
Barney: Oh, a newcomer in town, eh? Where's he live at?
Opie: I met him in the woods.
Barney: What's he doin' in the woods?
Opie: Well, mostly he walks around up in the treetops.
Barney: He walks in the tree...
Barney: [getting wise] Mm-hm. I supposed he's invisible, too.
Opie: No. Mr. McBeevee's easy to see, especially his hat. He wears a great, big, shiny silver hat.

Deputy: Whatever goes on in there, we'll be able to listen in on out here. Well, don't you get it? It's our own little spy in the sky.
Andy: What kind of things will we listen in on outside of Otis's snorin'?

[a nervous Barney is getting a manicure. Ellen, the manicurist is being very patient with him]
Ellen: [Barney pulls his hand away] I won't hurt you. Honest.
[Ellen swipes with her nail file. Barney reacts and backs away, clutching his right fingers]
Barney: [scared] Ah-hah!
Ellen: [concerned] What's the matter?
Barney: [sick with fear] Makes my skin crawl.
Ellen: I'll be very careful.
Barney: [lifts his right index finger] Be extra careful with that one. That's my trigger finger. Damage that and I might as well quit the business!

Opie: The cage sure looks awful empty, don't it, Pa?
Andy: Yes son, it sure does... but don't the trees seem nice and full?

Opie: I want you to stay!
Aunt: You do?
Sheriff: You mean it, Opie?
Opie: Sure!
Aunt: Well, what changed your mind?
Opie: Well, if she goes, what'll happen to her? She doesn't know how to do anything - play ball, catch fish, or hunt frogs. She'll be helpless.

Barney: A wink's as good as a nod to a blind mule.

Opie: I'm part peculiar, Pa.
Andy: Yeah. How'd you find THAT out?
Opie: Well, today my teacher, she said to me did I wash my neck this mornin', and I said I did, and she took a look and then she said, "Well, it looks mighty peculiar to me."

Barney: If you ride with your mouth open in the wind and put your tongue against the roof of your mouth, its impossible to pronounce a word that begins with the letter 's'.
Andy: You didn't let anyone see you riding with your mouth open?

Andy: Now, don't you worry. We'll get parasols stuck in your rice real soon.

Barney: [Andy has been twitting Barney about his ignorance of history, specifically the Emancipation Proclamation]
[to Helen]
Barney: So have you told him about the Emancipation Proclamation yet?
Helen: Well, no, I haven't had a chance to...
Barney: Well, go ahead, I just want to see if your version of it jibes with mine!

Aunt: Oh, you're home for dinner?
Andy: Well yeah. I've been getting my dinner here for a good many years. I thought I'd try it one more time.

Andy: Let her go off somewhere else... gig some other frog.

Barney: I don't like it, I just don't like it!
Andy: Don't like what?
Barney: Her marrying that stranger.
Andy: He's no stranger to her...
Barney: [Barney looking frustrated and angry] All right, let em get married... I just hope it ends in a quickie Mexican divorce
Andy: BARNEY!

Barney: That poor, blind fool. He don't know it but he's headed right for heartbreak alley.

Barney: [angry] Oh, boy, you're just full of fun today, aren't ya? Why don't we go up to the old people's home and wax the steps?

Gomer: You never do let me look

Thelma: I smell gas. Do you smell gas, Andy?
Andy: I smell gas.
Opie: I smell gas.
Gomer: I smell gas.
Aunt: I smell gas, too.
Barney: All right, all right, all right, you smell gas! Course you smell gas! What do you think this car runs on, coal?

[repeated line]
'Gentleman': On my word as a gentleman.

Howard: I was thinking of giving Sally Marsh a call.
Goober: Not her, Howard. Now she's the end of the line. She can't dance and she ain't pretty and she don't say a word all evening. She's just nuthin'.
Howard: Maybe I'll give her a call anyway.
Goober: Well, she won't come.
Howard: Well, you don't know until you try.
Goober: I tried.

Andy: Opie! Time to come in, son.
Opie: Aw Pa, just a little while longer... please?
Andy: Well, OK.
[to Barney]
Andy: Daylight's precious when you're a young'un.

David: Well, Sheriff, maybe I do look at things differently than other people. Is that wrong? I live by my wits. I'm not above bending the law now and then to keep clothes on my back or food in my stomach. I live the kind of life that other people would just love to live if they only had the courage. Who's to say that the boy would be happier your way or mine? Why not let him decide?
Andy: Nah, I'm afraid it don't work that way. You can't let a young 'un decide for himself. He'll grab at the first flashy thing with shiny ribbons on it, then when he finds out there's a hook in it, it's too late. The wrong ideas come packaged with so much glitter, it's hard to convince him that other things might be better in the long run, and all a parent can do is say, "Wait. Trust me," and try to keep temptation away.

Deputy: Robert E Lee natural bridge? I don't believe I've ever heard of that.
Sheriff: It's a oak tree that fell across a shallow spot in the creek.

Barney: Did you have a good time last night, Andy?
Andy: I've had better.
Barney: Why don't you ask me what kind of a time I had?
Andy: I can guess.
Barney: Go ahead and ask.
Andy: Oh, Barn.
Barney: Ask, ask, ask.
Andy: What kind of time did you have?
Barney: Rotten. You asked, I told you. Rotten, rotten, rotten. I had a rotten time last night.
Andy: Well I didn't have too good a time. Had a nice canoe ride. Me and Helen and Goober.
Barney: I know, He told me when he was walkin' me and Thelma Lou home.

Andy: [reading from the newspaper article] "Then out from the stockade stepped Lieutenant Edwards."
Aunt: Lieutenant Edwards, Clara's ancestor, the Colonel.
Andy: "He approached the indians on a wavering course holding a fearsome weapon in his hand."
Aunt: The sword!
Andy: "A jug of Mayberry's finest corn liquor. One drink led to another and when they were all happy and friendly, they went into the woods to shoot some deer to pay Lawson for ol' Bessie."

Andy: [seeing how many musical terms Barney actually knows] Hey, Barn, suppose they asked you if YOU can sing a cappella. What'll YOU do?
Barney: Well, I'd DO it!
[singing on the fly]
Barney: "A cappella, a cappella..."

Andy: Now all we have to do is give the criminal your whistle, tell him to blow it, and get him to yell "Gun, Blue, gun, Blue, man, get him."

Opie: What's the matter with her, Pa?
Andy: Oh, I don't know, Opie. I guess she's just one of those girls that's got a peculiar hitch in her git-a-long.