The Best Announcer Quotes

[repeated lines]
Announcer: [after describing the often confusing plot line from the previous episode at the top of every show] Confused? You won't be after this episode of "Soap"!

Announcer: Did Jessica kill Peter Campbell, or does she merely collect murder weapons?

Announcer: This is the story of two sisters; Jessica Tate and Mary Campbell. Jessica lives in a neighborhood known as "Rich". Jessica likes life. The only thing about life she would change, if she could, is that she would set it all to music. The Tates have more secrets than they do money. We're approaching Mary Campbell's house. Mary too likes life. Unfortunately, life doesn't seem too crazy about her. As you can see, the Campbells don't have nearly as much money as the Tates. They do, however, have as many secrets.

Announcer: Now that Corinne has walked out on two mothers, does that make her ineligible for the Daughter of the Year Award?

Announcer: Now that Danny has been both an Arab and a Jew, will he declare war on himself?

Announcer: This is the story of two sisters. Jessica Tate and Mary Campbell. These are the Tates, and these are the Campbells, and this is Soap.
Jessica: [after Burt and Chester start a physical altercation] Hey! Stop!
[soon the whole family tries to stop Burt and Chester from fighting]

[last lines]
Announcer: Jessica Tate did NOT kill Peter Campbell. One of these five people did.
[Cut to still shots of Chester, Jodie, Corinne, Benson, and Burt]
Jessica: I'm innocent.
Announcer: WHO killed Peter Campbell?

Announcer: In last week's episode of SOAP, Danny brought Elaine home to meet the family. Despite Burt's invisibility, Mary's hostility, Jodie's homosexuality, and Chuck and Bob's insanity, Elaine wants to marry him anyway! Perhaps she doesn't plan on having children.