1000 Best That '70s Show Quotes
Reginald: Oh, Kitty, I wouldn't leave you for the car. Who'd make dinner?
[Kitty has just announced to the family that she's pregnant]
Kitty: Oh, what a day. I'm so happy! I'm just gonna go and throw up.
[she leaves the kitchen]
Red: I just don't understand how this could have happened.
Eric: Hmmm. Maybe it's about time we had 'The Talk'. Y'see, when a boy loves a girl...
Steven: Doesn't have to love her.
Eric: That's true. Anyhoo, the boy's sexual organ...
Red: Hey! Shut it, dumbass.
Eric: That kid's gonna love it here.
- Bob, it's midnight!
- Turn that crap off!
- What would I do that for?
- Hey, check out the keister on Mrs. Claus.
- I know what I want for Christmas.
- Bob, are you drunk?
- I'm not sober!
- Have fun.
- Oh... ahh..
- Shall we?
- Good god, yes!
- Oh! Smile!
- Oh, now if she gets to do it, I get to do it!
Michael: Rudolph had a girlfriend, okay? Her name was Clarise! She thought he was cute! Now, if *anyone* was gay, it was that Hermy guy. I mean, *no* straight elf has hair like that!
Kitty: OK, let's make this the prettiest muffler shop ever!
Reginald: All I wanted was a Grand Opening sign...
Kitty: And you got one
[holds up small rectangle of cloth]
Kitty: - in NEEDLEPOINT!
Reginald: But it's so small!
Kitty: Needlepoint is HARD! You know what, you should have just married Betty Parker!
- Remember how cute Laurie and Eric were when they were babies?
- They used to just laugh and play.
- Well, every time I was around all they did was scream.
- I just think it would be nice to have a baby around the house again.
- Oh, damn it, Bob.
- Get your fingers out of the cheese.
- I'm glad you came. Taste this.
- Hmm. That tastes pretty good.
- That's 'cause it's made with five different cheeses.
- What's it called?
- Five different cheeses.
- Oh, save room for cheesecake.
Donna: Hey, what are you doing tonight?
Melissa: This is Wisconsin, so... nothing.
Eric: Oh, man, I can't believe Donna is serious about this celibacy thing. Fez, how do you cope with not getting any?
Fez: I think you know how I cope. When you don't see me, I'm coping.
Reginald: [Smoking in the dark as Eric enters] Hey, kid, how was the movie?
Eric: It was pretty gory...
Reginald: How did it end?
Eric: I don't remember.
Reginald: Attaboy!
- Um, so what part of that was supposed to make me feel better?
- I'm not wearing a bra.
- You are the best girlfriend ever.
- Captioning made possible by carsey-Werner and fox broadcasting captioning performed by the national captioning institute, inc.
Jackie: Michael! Don't tell our private conversations to other people, Michael! We have to have our own private conversations!
Michael: Hey, Fez. Nice ass!
Fez: Why, thank you, Kelso.
- You don't have to tell me.
- Okay, so...
- Buckle up, Donna, 'cause the next...
- 12 seconds are all about you, babe.
- Five, four... three, two, one.
- No, wait. But I... Damn.
- Curfew, hophead.
- Yeah, I'll have a root beer.
- Oh, don't you want to go get it for me?
- Sweetie?
- Okay, let me clear it up for you, hmm?
- Get... me... a soda. Now!
- Did you see that? I'm the man.
Steven: Man, I can't wait! A trip to my favorite place - anywhere but here!
- Well, mostly just you.
- Everybody.
- Thanks for being here.
- And I just wanna say... when my time comes,
- I wanna be buried facedown... so that anyone who doesn't like me can kiss my ass.
Reginald: Did someone shove a vacuum cleaner up your nose and suck out your last lonely brain cell?
Kitty: What is going on in your head?
Midge: Oooh, "Rich Man, Poor Man"! I hope I don't get too emotional!
Kitty: [Eyeing her warily] So do I.
Eric: You know, Donna, I'm not surprised you're in my bed. I knew you couldn't resist me any longer.
Donna: No, I couldn't. I want you. I need you.
Eric: Well, I never turn down a woman in need.
[Wraps his arms around her]
Donna: You know, being here in your bed, on your... Spiderman sheets, makes me feel so ready, so willing.
Eric: Then call me "able".
[Kisses her]
Eric: Oh, a little mood music.
[Turns on a clock radio. "Dream Weaver" plays while he kisses her]
Eric: [Dissolve to Eric, waking up alone in his bed, thinking he had been dreaming] Damn.
Donna: [Off camera] What's wrong?
Eric: [Eric screams] Aggh!
[Eric sees real Donna, kneeling next to his bed]
Eric: I mean... Hey, baby!
- Red, I don't think your smile is going to...
- Oh, I'm going for a walk.
- Well, wait a minute, honey.
- You know what, we can split a bottle of wine, and I'll give number 3 a shot.
- That was a close one.
- Eric is our friend, our brother.
- We cannot just abandon him for nude boobs.
- Good point, Fez.
- This nudity you speak of, are we talking full frontal?
- Does it matter?
- No. Let's go.
Michael: If being smart isn't gonna help me with the chicks, I want no part of it! I'm gonna go back to coasting on my good looks. Plus, my brains'll always be there, of if I need'em, I'll just whip'em out like an emergency rocket pack.
Steven: [Smirking] That's a good plan, man!
Michael: [Scoffing] Beats the hell outta reading!
Kitty: I've been trying so hard to get you to notice me, and all I had to do was set my hair on fire!
- So why don't we start off slow as friends?
- My other friends do not let me do that.
- Just do me one favor?
- Anything.
- Just don't tell Hyde.
- No, I gotta tell Hyde.
Red: G** damn it! I'm tired of being f***ing Santa Claus!
- All right, Jackie...
- I said, not talking.
- Well done.
- All right, Fez...
- I said, well done.
- Oh, there are all my friends.
- Hey, Donna,
- I found these socks of yours, so I thought I'd just, you know, run them right over.
Kitty: Will Michael's parents be home?
Eric: Yes.
Reginald: Are they as dumb as he is?
Eric: I can't lie. Yes. Yes, they are.
Reginald: Right answer. That was a trick question. I know they're dumb.
- For instance, "Eric, I had fun ruining the party for you and your friends."
- Yeah, that was fun.
- Well, I think a party is a great idea, Red.
- Great. Then it's settled.
- How you doin' there, Sabu?
- He smells nice.
- Mom, Dad, this is important.
- No.
- No California.
- You know what's important?
- School.
- You're gonna be a senior and you need to buckle down.
- Luke Skywalker would've buckled down.
Jeff: [to Red] Well, you've been really nice to us. Do you know how hard it is for a couple of guys like us to make friends? The last place we lived we had to tell people we were brothers.
Josh: Can you imagine anyone believing we're brothers?
[They played brothers for five seasons on the Brady Bunch]
Donna: You have the van. We want to go home.
Michael: Na-ah! I can't leave Annette. I love her.
Eric: No, you don't.
Michael: I love parts of her.
Michael: So, Midge wanted you to pass the syrup, and Pam wouldn't let you...
[pensive]
Bob: So whadda you think it means?
Michael: It means, my friend, that you have a shot at something only professional athletes and rock stars get!
Kitty: How DARE you bring strippers into my home! The whole place smells of strawberries and baby oil!
Donna: Actually, Kelso, you know what really makes you horny? Beets.
[about Jackie]
Eric: Donna, you have to let her stay with you. Come on, she's your best friend.
Donna: She's not my best friend.
Eric: Well, then, who's your best friend?
[Donna thinks it over]
Donna: Oh, crap. How the hell did that happen?
Red: Forman, party of two.
Restaurant: Okey dokey, that'll be about two hours.
Red: Here's twenty bucks.
Restaurant: Okay we'll have something in fifteen minutes.
Red: You don't want this place to burn down twice do you?
Restaurant: Okay we have something right now.
Red: I thought so. Well, it looks like it's our lucky night.
Donna: Styx? Really, Kelso?
Michael: All right, I like Styx, and I don't care who knows it! Actually, that's not true. Don't tell anyone that I like Styx.
- Now, who would leave a whole pan of peach cobbler just sitting on a counter?
- See?
- We don't need anyone else.
- We have lots of interesting things to say. Right?
- Hey, there's this car that runs on water.
- It runs on water, man!
- or shame.
- Are you okay?
- I'm working half-days, so I watch a lot of donahue.
- I'm not sure, but I think
- I found the u-joints.
- God bless you, Jackie.
- Okay, I'm going back in.
[Jackie doesn't want Eric to tell Kelso about her kissing Todd]
Eric: You can buy two guaranteed hours of silence by carving this wheel of cheddar into a handsome likeness of me. And... go!
- when they weren't peeing and pooping all over the place.
- Oh, Red. That is so sweet.
- Yeah, well, it might be fun.
- Hell, this time we might even get an athlete.
- Oh!
Reginald: [Hyde arrives unexpectedly at the Forman breakfast table] Steven, it's seven-damn-thirty in the morning. What the hell are you doing here?
Kitty: Red, be nice.
Kitty: [after a considerable pause] Steven, we're waiting.
Steven: Oh. I've been living in the basement.
Eric: Y'know, I did notice a dusting of curly hair on the floor, but I just wrote it off to my changing teenage body.
- I'll tell you what, honey.
- We'll wait a month.
- If a riding mower hasn't shown up by then, we'll talk.
- Okay, remember, buddy.
- The tray is like a lady.
- Dance with her.
- And go!
- Quick, Dad, give her the lighter.
- Look, Kitty, I'm sorry.
- But it's just...
- Well, marking the calendar is your responsibility.
- Oh.
- Dad, no.
Donna: Eric, we're never gonna get to see each other!
Eric: Yeah, I know, and I can't even drive you to school. And we can forget about any lunchtime hokey-pokey. That's what it's all about.
- Really?
- Of course.
- Red.
- I love you.
- Oh, I love you, too.
- I was talking to the tickets.
Fez: Aiee, working with someone after you've had sex with them is hard. I don't know how Donny and Marie do it.
- Sorry. You're right. I'm sorry.
- Man, that was totally worth waiting for.
- I agree. Now we can go.
- How was your first day?
- Grim. This nun totally spanked me with a ruler.
- Yet another reason
- I wish I was a ruler.
William: You think that's cool, check this out!
[Hands Hyde a pair of concert tickets]
Steven: Wow, Eric Clapton tickets - that's the coolest thing anyone's ever done for me!
William: What, showed you a couple of concert tickets?
[Snatches tickets away]
William: You're not going!
- Uh, Michael? A little help?
- Oh.
- That wasn't fun. One of the lights burned my neck.
- You know, Pastor Dave, the only reason we mess with you is 'cause we like you.
- You do? You do.
- I'm cool. I'm cool.
- All right, sleep tight, and don't let the bedbugs put their foot in your ass.
- Okay, boys, lights out.
- And no more staying up till 8:30 giving each other hugs.
- Aww!
- Aww!
- See you in the morning.
- Okay. Great. So let's just, you know, take it slow and see where it goes.
- I'm cool with that,
- Poopchute Sally.
- Shut up.
- Oh, my God!
- In Eric's bedroom?
- You two-timing whore!
- So, um...
- Did we just get...
- I think we did.
- Donna, I love you.
- We are so stupid!
- I know, right?!
Fez: I have a question Hyde. How much masturbation is too much?
Steven: There's no such thing as too much, Fez.
- Hungry?
- I... I overslept.
- I'm late for school.
- It's, uh... bye.
- That kid's on dope.
- Well, I'll say. It's Sunday.
- How do guys play fight without getting into a real fight?
- Well, maybe 'cause when they fight,
- Michael doesn't elbow everything like a blonde tard-o.
- See, now that is gonna get your ass kicked.
- Oh, I'm gonna punch you in your fat melon head.
- Good luck reaching it, tiny loser.
- Gee, I guess you're right, Kitty.
- Maybe I should have been nicer.
- Yeah.
- Oh, well.
- Hindsight's twenty-twenty.
- You just lie back and enjoy your coffin.
- Ooh, satin. That's nice.
- Why, there you are, my little sex muffin.
- Little brother?
- You're the most beautiful woman I have ever seen.
- Thank you.
- Your cocoa-brown skin makes me hot.
- I know.
- I am irresistible.
- Would you like to dance?
- This isn't going to work, Jackie.
- What isn't going to work?
- I can't sleep with you staring at me.
- and I'll do whatever it takes to make you happy with me.
- Yeah, well, I'm beginning to think that you're never gonna make me happy.
- What are you saying?
- I'm saying I have a lot of thinking to do.
- Whew! Dodged a bullet there, huh, Fez?
Eric: ALL DAY? I can't spend all day in here, I'll turn out like HIM!
[indicating Fenton]
Fenton: You're not as far away as you think!
Eric: Oh, hey, Jackie... I just left my coat here after Donna and I - well, I'm sure she already filled you in on all of the juicy details...
Jackie: [Smirking] Yeah, I heard all about your little leg cramp.
- What's that supposed to mean?
- Well, it means that maybe you like her...
- 'cause I kind of think you do.
- No. How could I like her?
- Because I don't like her.
- Because I can't like her.
- Mrs. Forman, if I like her, shoot me.
- Pow!
- What's the store doing closed in the middle of the day?
- Maybe it's Rosh Hashanah.
- vis-a-vis your crappy score.
- "Vis-a-vis"?
- It's a PBS word, Eric.
- Stay with me here.
- Yeah, I liken your situation to that of Pavlov's dog.
- You see,
- Pavlov was this science guy, and every time his dog would ring a bell, Pavlov would eat.
[Kelso has his shotgun aimed out of the moving car at a deer]
Reginald: Kelso, you fire that gun in this car and I will pull over and kick your ass for an hour.
- Why don't you leave this with me? I have to add some things.
- Like today's Marmaduke, it's a stitch!
- Okay.
- Have a brownie, Bob.
- That's what I was waiting for!
- Mmm-hmm.
- Oh, Marmaduke, when will you ever learn?
- A dumb-ass.
- I was gonna say unreasonable.
- Fine. Fine.
- You're an unreasonable dumb-ass.
- Are you done now?
- I think I am.
- ♪ We did last week
- ♪ Not a thing to do
- ♪ But talk to you
- ♪ We're all all right
- ♪ We're all all right ♪
- Hello, Wisconsin!
- someone called and asked me if I had "the stuff."
- Wait a second.
- I saw a 60 Minutes piece on this the other day.
- Missing baggies, mysterious phone calls. I know what's going on.
- Kitty, I can explain.
- Steven's selling drugs.
- Yes, he is.
Laurie: [about Hyde eating at the Formans' house] Daddy works really hard and nothing here is cheap.
Eric: Except you.
Laurie: Believe me, I'm not cheap.
Eric: [with a straight face] Fine. Free. Whatever.
- Wait, you're firing me because I won't strip?
- No, no, you know what?
- I'm a gentleman, and I normally don't use this kind of language.
- But, Mr. Randall, you are one sixing, sevening monkey-fiver.
- You think your one don't stink?
- Well, three off, you threeing three. Come on.
- Take off your pants.
- Really? All right.
- No. To show me your tattoo.
- I knew that. Yeah. I knew that.
- Right. Yeah.
- I think you're really gonna like it.
- Just don't be mad if it says "Debbie."
- It's go time.
- What's going on here?
- That's my butt!
- Whoo!
- Lock, Donna!
- Now for the trench.
Michael: Nice Christmas decorations! I see you're using one of the better-tasting glues.
Reginald: [after eating Hyde's special brownies] I like that word, "hip". It kinda pops, you know? Hip. Hip-uh. Hip-uh! I can see my own mouth!
Kitty: [At the kitchen table with Red and Bob] This pineapple reminds me of Donna... it's a little tart!
Michael: One thing I don't get is, if the Feds weren't after us all day, why did they send a bugged vacuum?
Fez: [sarcastically] Why don't you call them and ask?
Michael: That's a good idea!
- Give me panty boy's damn soup.
- Hello, pretty birds.
- Hello, pretty... damn big birds.
- It's your Aunt Kitty.
- Okay.
Steven: Well, I'm done with Jackie and I feel like a guy who had a 95-pound mole removed. A 95-pound, Donny-Osmond-loving, shoe-shopping, ice-capade-attending mole.
Brooke: I don't make it with guys at concerts! I read two periodicals a week about the Dewey Decimal system, which I'm sure you've never heard of!
Michael: I've heard of Dewey Decimal: it's Donald Duck's nephew!
- You guys are so immature.
- Kelso, why are you squirting water out of your mouth?
- I was a fountain!
- I totally got it, man. It's art.
- Man.
- Hey, you guys wanna see the other set he brought?
- Ohh!
- just because a couple of high-school kids think you're cool.
- Excuse me, aren't you Hot Donna?
- You were so awesome on the radio today.
- You really think?
- Wait, what's going on?
- I think we're in for a treat.
- She fakes faking right and fakes left.
- Now she actually...
- Donna, what are you doing?
- Running out the clock.
- There is no clock.
- Sucker!
Steven: Hey, Forman, you have any naked pictures of your Grandma?
Eric: [shocked] No!
Steven: [hands him a box of old photography supplies and laughs diabolically] You do now!
Reginald: Alright, I admit that we saw Pam's... them.
[Hyde nods. Kitty scowls]
Reginald: But it's not like we planned it.
Steven: Although our timing couldn't have been better.
Jackie: Oh, I think you mean "worse", Steven.
Steven: No, I'm pretty sure I meant "better".
- Yeah. Well, you're gonna be here till you get it right, kelso.
- Well, okay, red, but eventually my parents are gonna come lookin' for me.
- Yeah, but they're not gonna find you.
- Oh, that's another joke.
- Come on, laugh, kelso!
- But he's irresistible.
- That's what I thought, but it's a lie.
- A lie, I tell you.
- Then it's official.
- No secret hot girl will ever date Michael Kelso ever again.
- Okay, that's great, that's great.
- Now this calls for dancing bubble kiss time.
Reginald: Don't you like anything cheap?
Kitty: I like you.
- but I don't know.
- Listen to me, I am so sorry.
- Okay, whatever you want to do, we'll do, okay?
- Just tell me what to do.
- We'll figure it out tomorrow.
- Just get in.
- Really?
Fez: You know, I'm starting this might not be part of the bachelor party plan. For instance, where are the strippers?
[Eying policewoman]
Fez: Fez: Unless SHE's a stripper...
Randy: You know, she just might be! Why don't you tell her to shake it?
Fez: [Approaching jail cell bars, addressing guard] Hey, mama, why don't you rip off that phony uniform and shake your moneymaker?
Sgt. Davis: Are you talking to me?
[Approaching cell bars and grabbing Fez by the ear]
Sgt. Davis: Because, first of all, I'm not your "mama", and if you EVER talk to me like that again, I will pull you out through these bars and find 50 new ways to use my nightstick!
Fez: [to Randy, in an undertone] She may not be a stripper, but she sure knows how to turn a boy on!
- It's barely got a trunk.
- Where do you put the groceries?
- This car isn't about groceries.
- It's about freedom.
- Speaking of freedom, they got free doughnuts.
- Ah...
[Practicing for a job interview]
Reginald: Stand up straight.
Eric: [shaking his hand] Hello, I'm Eric Forman.
Reginald: Not loose, firm! Not sloppy, like a fish. Try it again.
Eric: [shaking his hand] Hello, I'm Eric Forman.
Reginald: Bend into it.
Eric: Stand up straight and hold a fish.
Reginald: Don't be a smart-mouth.
Eric: Okay.
[shaking his hand]
Eric: Hello, I'm Eric Forman.
Reginald: And?
Eric: And?
Kitty: Maybe you could mention your Junior Achievement experience.
Reginald: Kitty, they could give a rat's ass about that.
Kitty: Maybe your Honorable Mention for the science award.
Reginald: Kitty?
Kitty: Right. Rat's ass.
Reginald: Don't slouch.
Eric: Wouldn't that go under the "stand up straight" category?
Reginald: See, that's a smart-mouth comment. You're fired, Mr. Smart Mouth! That's how that works.
- I just wanted to do something to cheer kitty up.
- Well, if you really wanted to cheer her up, you should've bought her a banjo.
- A banjo, Bob?
- You can't hold a banjo and not smile.
- You can't hold a potato chip and not smile.
[to Jackie and Kelso]
Donna: Finally. Where have you guys been?
Michael: We had to look for the paper, and eat, and then some stuff happened. You know.
Eric: Your shirt's on inside out.
Michael: Yeah, that's the stuff.
- You're very nasty.
- And I don't see why you have to be so hateful.
- I don't think being nice for a whole day would kill you.
- Grandma?
- Grandma?
- Oh... oh, no!
- Why are you smiling?
- I don't know.
- Talk to Angie today?
- No!
- Oh, yeah!
- I have officially nailed everyone in this room's sister.
Jackie: [jealous Kelso finds a guy's phone number in some cheese Jackie brought home from the shop, and calls her on the phone] Hello?
Michael: Is Phil there?
Jackie: Who?
Michael: Phil! Some guy you kissed! I found his number in your cheese!
Jackie: Michael, Phil's the guy who delivers the sausage.
Michael: You *tramp*!
Jackie: No, idiot, he brings food to our store. He's our sausage guy.
Michael: TRAMP!
Steven: [irritatedly, as Laurie appears to win a round] This is completely unsatisfactory! In fact...
[points at Eric]
Steven: YOU SUCK!
- It was completely my fault.
- I should have just moved out of the way when you threw that script at me.
- No, no, not at all, because if you had, the script would have gone flying right past you and might have hit somebody important.
- Fine. I'll just listen to AM.
- That's just cruel.
- I... I guess I'll see you later, then.
- You can stay and talk a minute if you want.
- O... Kay.
- Close the door.
- O... Kay.
Michael: Hey, Eric, maybe she's going to give you the big gift. You know, the *big* gift. You guys know what I'm talking about, right?
Steven: Yes, Kelso. We got it. Then, we got it.
Fez: I'm not even from here, and I got it.
- Your hair?
- No. That we're meant to be together.
- Look, I need to know that he's really changed.
- I need to test him somehow.
- I agree.
- You do?
- Absolutely. If you get back with Kelso, you better have him tested.
Steven: So, what do I do here, anyway?
Leo: Well, I don't expect a lot, man. Like, pretty much, if the hut doesn't burn down, it's been a good day. And even if it burnt down, man, it's cool, 'cause I got three or four more of these little huts somewhere.
- Oh, my god! Red!
- Are you hurt?
- Go, Bob, go!
- Ohh!
- Red... that was not nice.
- I'm not sorry, midge.
Jackie: Wait. So, your parents are going to be out of town?
Donna: Yeah. It's just going to be me alone Saturday. Well, I'm babysitting my sister, Tina. I'll watch some TV, maybe order a pizza.
Michael: Let's have a party! A toga party!
Jackie: Michael, maybe she doesn't want to have a party. Maybe she wants to be alone.
Donna: Well, it'd just be me, but if someone happens to come by, that'll be cool.
Michael: So, we're on! I'll bring the beer!
Fez: Donna, I've never been to an American party. May I come?
Donna: I don't care. So, Eric, will you be there?
Eric: Eric:
[not looking up from the newspaper]
Eric: Yeah, sure.
Jackie: [Donna leaves the basement and Jackie smacks Eric and Kelso across the backs of their heads] You are both so stupid!
Steven: That's a first! I actually agree with Jackie!
[to Eric]
Steven: She totally put on a full court press, man, and you dropped the ball!
Eric: What are you talking about? All she said was, she's going to be alone Saturday, order a pizza... Oh, my God, I'm so stupid!
- j' the same old thing j' j' we did last week j' j' not a thing to do j' j' but talk to you j' j' we're all all right j' j' we're all all right j' hello, Wisconsin!
- always.
- I'll bet they go to a special school or something.
- I mean, they're like doctors at doing it.
- Eric, dinner.
- Oh, no.
- Now I have to act normal.
- But I get to eat, yeah!
Jackie: Hyde? Fez? Michael!
Michael: Oh, good! It's Hyde, Fez and Michael!
Michael: Ever since Jackie left, I'm no good at pinball.
Fez: You were never good at pinball.
Steven: Let's look at the bright side of not having Jackie. First, no Jackie. Second, now you can do all the things that you could never do when you were with her, man. Which was, at last count... everything!
Michael: Oh, man. You're right. Y'know, Jackie never ever wanted me to, like, cheat on her, or grow a beard and I always wanted to. And now I can let this grow out.
[he strokes his chin]
Fez: May I grow one, too?
Michael: I dunno, Fez. The two of us growin' beards together - isn't that kinda girly?
Fez: Well, I just figure, the more the hairier.
[Fez enjoys his own pun, but realizes no one else is laughing]
Fez: Oh, I'm surrounded by idiots.
Steven: Look, Kitty, I framed one of the fliers from my Grand Opening; that way, if the shop's a success, I'll have a souvenir, and if not, I'll have something to glare at while I'm drinking.
[repeated line]
Fez: I said, good day!
- Yeah, right.
- Let's see what that file says about you, Jackie.
- Go ahead. I have a perfect record.
- Would anybody like to know what Jackie's middle name is?
- Jackie's middle name is...
- Nooo!
Donna: Oh, my God. I think Jackie and Fez are next. Look, there they are!
Michael: [shouting] Hey! The next contestants are cheaters! The brown guy is a robot!
Donna: [Walking into the breakfast nook] How's it going?
Midge: Your father's an ass!
Pamela: Something we can agree on!
Bob: It's not going that well.
- ♪ We did last week
- ♪ Not a thing to do
- ♪ But talk to you
- ♪ We're all all right
- ♪ We're all all right ♪
- Hello, Wisconsin!
- Okay, Donna does not moan like a ghost.
- I could make her moan like a ghost.
- You know what, guys?
- I'm a little confused, but I do know that I love you guys.
- I really, really do.
- That was really nice.
- Yeah, you have a really strong tongue.
- Yeah.
- It's from all the talking.
- Yeah. Well, you know,
- I think you're not!
- Hi. Have you seen him?
- His name is Kelso.
- Kelso's trapped in a box?
- Hey. Fez, check it out.
- "Fun university."
- Now check out the back.
- Let's just say you want Eric to buy you a diamond, but he says, "No."
- You just say,
- "Why, are you busy?"
- Five minutes later, you're Elizabeth Taylor.
- Yeah, I think I need advice from a woman in a relationship not built on blackmail.
- It's called a lesbian, Donna, and you're going to have to go to New York for that.
Reginald: Damn good thing I went with him. He wanted to buy a leisure suit.
Eric: Come on, Dad. Leisure suits are cool. Everybody wears them.
Reginald: Leisure suits are for dumbasses. Believe me.
[Bob walks in wearing a leisure suit]
- Hey. It just came to me.
- Oh, I get it.
- The barn is Kelso's pants.
- Okay! You guys, this is not funny!
- This is, like, a nightmare.
- Yes. Eric, stop teasing.
- Kelso, I want you to know that I feel bad for you... and that I am sorry... you are not a man!
[Jackie and Kelso sit at The Hub]
Jackie: Michael, do you think I'm immature?
Michael: No, you're almost fully grown.
Jackie: Well... Steven thinks so. Apparently, I'm immature, and that skank in the leather jacket is what? Cool? Well, I can be cool. People can change. Olivia Newton-John did it for John Travolta, and that movie was totally realistic.
[Jackie's: she and Donna enter The Hub. Jackie wears the same tight, black outfit that Olivia Newton-John wore in the "You're The One That I Want" song scene in the movie "Grease". The guys are playing the arcade machine. Eric, Kelso and Fez turn around]
Eric: [bites his hand] Wow!
Michael: [shakes his hand] Yowza!
Fez: [smiles, rubbing his belly] Yummy!
[Hyde turns around. He takes off his sunglasses, astonished to see Jackie - similarly to Danny Zuko's reaction when he saw how Sandy changed]
Steven: Jackie?
Jackie: Tell me about it, Steve.
[the music of "You're The One That I Want" plays in the background. The gang starts dancing]
Steven: [in John Travolta's voice] I got chills, they're multiplyin', and I'm losin' control, for the power you're supplyin', it's electrifyin'...
Jackie: [in Olivia Newton-John's voice] You better shape up, 'cause I need a man, and my heart is set on you. You better shape up, you better understand, to my heart I must be true...
Steven: [in John Travolta's voice] Nothin' left, nothin' left for me and you...
Jackie: You're the one that I want, ooh, ooh, ooh, honey. The one that I want, ooh, ooh, ooh, honey. The one that I want, ooh, ooh, ooh. The one I need. Oh, yes, indeed...
[Hyde hugs Jackie. The music fades]
Steven: [in his normal voice] Oh, Jackie, you're so much cooler than that skank I was with before. Please take me back, 'cause we belong together like Bop-boppa-loo-bop, sha-walla, sha-bang, sha-bang...
[Jackie and Hyde kiss passionately. The gang is overjoyed that the two are back together]
Michael: Ah! The whole gang is back together again.
[Fez kisses Eric on his cheek]
Eric: Yes, they did it!
Donna: This is so great for the whole...
[end of Jackie's daydream]
- Hyde, when are you gonna accept the fact that Leo just bailed?
- Man, he would not leave without saying goodbye, okay?
- I know him better than I know my own father.
- I'd like to do it with Nina in an alley.
- My bare ass pressed up against a cold dumpster.
- I miss you too.
- J' lord knows, I can't change j' j' no, lord, I can't change j' j' won't you fly? J' j' free bird j' nu!
Jackie: Steven Hyde, you were right. We will never be friends. We'll be *more* than friends. Because now, I love you!
Hyde: Oh, my God! Will you shut up?
- I don't think you should be going up there...
- The garage. Of course.
- Okay, you know, if you screw that up, he's gonna blame me.
- I know.
- N'j'
Tammy: [Opens the door] Yeah?
Reginald: That's not the guy!
Eric: Did your Dad buy a car this morning?
Tammy: The station wagon? Yeah, he bought that piece of crap for me.
Reginald: Piece of crap? That's a Vista Cruiser! You could literally cruise the vistas!
Tammy: [Loudly] Daddy, where are the keys to the piece of crap?
Eric: Boy, she's lovely.
Tammy: [Comes back and gives Eric the car keys] Give me his check.
Eric: Right, and thanks again. I, too, understand parents can be quite -
[She rudely slams the door in his face]
Reginald: What a bitch-a-roonie-doonie!
Reginald: [to Eric] Why the hell are you wearing a Bears shirt? How could you do this to me?
Donna: Maybe he doesn't understand why it's wrong. Let me say it to him in a way he'll understand.
[to Eric]
Donna: The Packers are like the Jedi. You're wearing a 'Go Darth Vader' shirt.
Eric: Donna, that's ridiculous! The Jedi don't play football!
[condescendingly]
Eric: They play Manuku.
Bull: Red, You DO realize this is a wife-swapping party...?
Red: So, you want to sleep with my wife?
Bull: No, I'll take a run at any of these women here.
Red: What's the matter with MY wife?
Donna: [angrily] Eric, just because a guy pays attention to me does not mean he wants to get me naked!
Eric: Oh, *grow up*!
Donna: [coldly] Is that why *you* paid attention to me?
Eric: *Of course*!... Not! Of course not.
[Kelso enters the Hub and sees a Space Invaders game instead of the pinball machine]
Michael: What the hell! Where's my pinball machine?
Fez: [chuckles] Oh, where, indeed? Ohh, I remember. I convinced the owner that pinball was out, and Space Invaders was in.
Michael: Fez, why would you stab me in the back like that?
Fez: [taunting] Well, rest assured, Kelso, your frogs and chickens comment had nothing to do with it.
[Kelso fails to understand that Fez is being sarcastic]
Michael: Well, why then?
- maybe... Maybe the dream continued, and we went to find some girls.
- Well, did it continue?
- No.
- What could this mean?
- Well, isn't it obvious?
- It means that I'm gay!
- Wait a minute.
- Are you breaking up with me?
- Well... are you giving back that ring?
- Yes.
- Then...
- Yes.
- Mrs. Forman is pouring the champagne.
- Hey, guys, last one up the stairs has to call Red a dumb ass.
- Oh, man.
- Ten, nine, eight, seven, six, five, four, three, two, one!
[in the school cafeteria]
Fez: All this food for 45 cents? It is unbelievable!
[He takes a bite of his food, then pushes his tray away]
Fez: Oh... I see.
Michael: I have a question. If Hyde was in Hyde's bed, and Jackie was in Hyde's bed, what exactly was going on in said bed?
Steven: Nothing. She needed a place to sleep.
Michael: Needed a place to sleep! Well, a bed is an interesting choice now, wouldn't you say?
- Thank you, sir.
- But this is my last day of work...
- And I didn't get a party, and I didn't get a gold watch, and I didn't get crap.
- So... let's drink!
Bob: Red, you don't seem like the kind of guy who would get a dog... you know, 'cause you're unfriendly.
- Whoops.
- I mean...
Donna: [Bursting into the basement] OK, Eric, I think we should have sex!
Mitch: NO!
Donna: [Hugging Eric] I'm going crazy being apart from you - you may not be the strongest man, but you read my body like Braille!
Michael: [Guffawing] BURN!
[Donna and Eric look at him uncomprehendingly]
Michael: Wait - what's Braille?
- Yeah, right. So what was there, like a fire drill or something?
- No. Look, I do bad things.
- I've ditched class before.
- Uh, is opie getting angry?
- What did I tell you about calling me opie?
- Opie, look out for the keg in the middle of the road!
Fez: Eric, somebody had to come in last. There is no shame in that. Well, there is a little shame. Shame on you!
- I need you to get to the wine.
- My father's thoughtless!
- I'll tell her who's thoughtless.
- What is it?
- I, uh...
- Just wanted to see if you wanted another blanket.
- Yes, that would be very nice. Thank you.
Eric: Donna, you're perfect. You couldn't be better if you'd been created in a lab!
Kelso: Yeah, but then she'd have those bolts coming out of her neck!
- All right, son.
- Good night.
- Good night, dad.
- Oh, and, uh...
- Next time, don't wear black socks.
- You looked like an ass.
- That's right. Let's have super-hot sex, baby.
- And by super-hot sex,
- I mean... let's talk about your sad feelings.
- Okay, Jackie, I have some really terrible news about Kelso... that will make us both laugh a lot.
- Yeah. I already know. Pam Macy made this big announcement in gym.
- Hi, have you ever seen the back seat of a Lincoln continental?
- Lots of times.
- Would you like to see another one?
- Sure.
- That's great, that's great.
Eric: Hey, since when did you get all serious?
Michael: [He points to a copy of Cosmopolitan Magazine, sitting on the coffee table] Been readin' Cosmo. It's very educational. I never realized how much plumbing girls had down there. There's this diagram, and it's like a map of Six Flags!
Eric: [later, the guys are at the kitchen table, looking at an issue of Cosmo] It's like Playboy, but girls look at it.
Michael: I know. How hot is that?
Fez: Ahh, look. Six Flags.
Kitty: [Kitty and Red walk in] Well, that better not be a dirty magazine. Oh, Cosmo! Good for you!
Reginald: Cosmo? You boys are spending too much time together.
Eric: Dad, I'm quitting my job.
Reginald: You're quitting?
Eric: I'm quitting. I'm a quitter and I couldn't hit a cow over the head with a hammer.
Reginald: Everybody quits their first job. It's no big deal.
Eric: I gotta say I'm a little disappointed, Dad.
Reginald: It wasn't a man's job, anyway.
Kitty: Red...
Reginald: Come on, Kitty! It wasn't a man's job! It was a hairnet, name tag, nothing kind of a job.
Eric: Well, I'm quitting.
Reginald: It's a good thing, too. It was cutting into your chores. You did a half-assed job on that driveway.
Kitty: I think he did a wonderful job.
Reginald: [not looking up from his newspaper] Didn't look wonderful to me.
Kitty: [Stands up, feeling upset because Red's unaware that she did the chores] Sweep it yourself, then!
- I'm cold.
- That must be why your nipples are so pointy.
Reginald: It doesn't matter, because I'm keeping the shoes! They feel great - like I'm walking on a mound of baby ducks...!
- I'm saying...
- I'm pregnant.
- Oh, no!
- No, I mean, uh...
- Oh, crap.
- Yeah.
- I don't wanna.
- What the hell?
- Where did all these toys come from?
- Well...
- Dad, I guess I'm just gonna have to tell you the truth.
- It was Santa Claus.
Kitty: [the TV remote won't work] Click, damn it, click!
Reginald: Kitty, I think your "lady problem" is acting up again.
Kitty: No, just the clicker, is all! It's supposed to click! It's a clicker, that's what it does!
Reginald: I think it's time for a nap.
Eric: [Eric enters the living room] Guys! Really important! Donna's coming over and I lost the ring she gave me!
Reginald: Eric, your mother is having a nervous breakdown.
Kitty: The only thing having a breakdown is the clicker! Why won't it click? Nothing loves me!
Donna: [entering the living room] Okay, Eric, Jackie told me you hate the ring!
Eric: Uh-oh...
Donna: I happen to think its beautiful! That's what a man-ring looks like!
Eric: Maybe I'm just not a man-ring kind of guy. I mean, I like man-pants and man-shirts.
Donna: Why didn't you just tell me you hated it when I gave it to you? Just give it back to me.
Eric: I absolutely will. Just as soon as I find it.
Donna: What? How could you lose it? I told you it was a symbol of our loving freaking relationship!
Eric: And my losing it symbolizes how much I love and respect you?
[Donna storms out of the room]
Reginald: Eric! Quick! Get me compound presses and a Bloody Mary! Your mother is talking about adopting a communist orphan! I need help! *Move*, damn it!
- No, man. Leave him alone.
- Look, man, if those jocks try to do this to you again, just come find me.
- Thanks.
- You're my best friend.
- Let's hold hands.
- No.
- Let's go.
- There's a reason that these magazines only come once a month.
- You have to pace yourself.
- Do something else besides look at pornography.
- What kind of a life is that?
- By the way, any plans you had with me, they're now off.
- Until further notice.
- I think there might be a practical joke in the works.
- No, man, I don't think so.
- I think it's 'cause I graduated.
- Hyde, am I cool now?
- Well, you're cool like margarine is butter.
- Close, but there's a little aftertaste.
- when the Empire killed Luke
- Skywalker's aunt and uncle, did he just call them up?
- No! He hopped on the Millennium Falcon and he paid a little visit to the Death Star.
- Wait a minute.
- Do chickens go quack, or did I mess that up?
- Yeah. Voodoo on Tattoo.
- Voodoo. Tattoo.
- Peekaboo.
- Honeydew. Kung fu.
- Koo-koo-ka-choo.
- I'm done.
Red: [walks out into the driveway] Sooooo... I guess this is the way an immature, engaged, high-school dumbass with no car, no job, and no money trims the hedges.
Steven: That was, like, eight burns in one sentence.
Donna: An octo-burn. Let's get the hell outta here!
- "At Dave's.
- Back around 5:00. Red."
- Oh.
- ♪ We did last week
- ♪ Not a thing to do
- ♪ But talk to you
- ♪ We're all all right
- ♪ We're all all right ♪
- Hello, Wisconsin!
- Hey, Fez.
- Where the hell have you been?!
- Well, we were on our way here when we passed by your music teacher's house.
- And I said, "Fez hates that guy!
- Let's toilet paper it."
- So...
- So we did.
- No!
- Nice shorts, rainbow.
- Okay, how about we make a compromise between "almost none" and what I want to do, which is "it"?
- Okay, if you want, you can help me hang decorations tonight for the library's
- Christmas party.
- Spend Christmas
- Eve in a library?
- Why don't you just kick me in the 'nads?
[Last lines]
Donna: [while the rest of the gang are hanging out in the basement, Eric, Hyde and Fez all enter the basement looking beaten up] What the hell happened to you guys?
Eric: We got beaten up.
Steven: By men.
Eric: By big, strong men.
Fez: Hey, guys, as I was getting beaten I think I got to second base.
- Well, not pretty.
- Decent. Less ugly than most.
- Good enough for a young boy, but no man would be interested.
- Red, what are you talking about?
- Why can't anyone in this family just let things go?
- Oh. Oh, I must have left my watch at the...
- Ice store. But they were out of ice. Every one of them.
- This country is in the crapper.
- Hello.
- Okay. Mrs. Forman, that was the Starlight Motel.
- They, uh, found your watch in the Aphrodite suite.
- Bathroom's free.
- Um, actually, I was just, uh, heading there.
- Excuse me.
- Pardon me.
- Excuse me.
- Let me just get the, uh, curtain.
Bud: You know, Steven, I've really improved since I stopped drinking. I got a new job and a new apartment. I even got a color TV.
Steven: Color TV. Wow. I remember when I was a kid, I didn't even have a father.
[walks out of the room]
- and he jumped out of the car
- 'cause he wanted to go pet it, but he forgot the car was moving, and he broke his arm?
- That was the funniest, bloodiest, most rabies-filled day ever.
- Look at us.
- Best friends offering to help each other.
- You know, we always have to remember this moment.
Steven: If you guys wanna sit here acting immature and childish, go ahead! I'm gonna go drive my car through some big puddles and splash some old people.
- You found out?
- He lied to us. He's spending the night at Donna's.
- Oh!
- What did you think it was?
- He has dirty magazines in his closet.
- Our son is a pervert. I'm just gonna go pray for him.
- It's warm and it's beautiful and you wanna go there, but when you do, you get bit by a mosquito and you get malaria and you're sick for the rest of your life.
- Well, she's obviously not over you, either.
- I mean, she's practically putting on a show to get your attention.
- Just imagine it.
- I have joined a ballet class.
- Man, no offense, but you're, like, one good cry away from being the total woman.
- Oh, really? Well, would a total woman have her own pink satin slippers?
Casey: [to Donna] Don't worry, after you have a few kids, you'll probably be living in a much bigger trailer.
Reginald: I'm sorry, I've most my appetite!
[Looks down at his plate]
Reginald: Oh, my, that's a nice-looking piece of steak...
- She's clearly a lunatic.
- Which means that she's going to be super hot in bed, so congratulations on that one.
- But you did snake her from me, so I get a free punch.
- But you did snake her back, so...
- Oh!
- Anyways...
- I'm looking at the deed to the property... and the map shows that I own a couple feet of your driveway and a little bit of your garage.
- How'd you like to own a little bit of my foot in your ass?
- I wouldn't, to be quite honest.
- It's free.
- Oh, fine.
- Look, man, I'd go with you, but, you know, it's cable.
- Whatever.
- Hey, hey, want me to come by later and tell you about the boobs?
- No!
- Yeah.
- Promise rings, concert T's... other stuff.
- Really?
- That's nice.
- Yeah.
- Okay, we'll take two rings and... a misdemeanor's worth of the other stuff.
- But now, in the pit of my stomach, I feel really sick.
- Look, come on, Donna, you and Eric are meant to be together.
- You're like a fat girl and a cat. It just works, you know?
- Oh, come on.
- All right, look,
- I'm gonna go pick up my dress.
- And I'm gonna try not to look prettier than you, but I can't promise!
Red: It's funny how you always manage to pull the car right up to the garage, but not in it.
Eric: Yeah, it takes a keen eye and a sure foot.
Red: Would you like your keen eye to watch my sure foot kick your smart ass?
- I will disable you with my cat-like swiftness.
- Oh, yeah?
- Yeah.
- Oh, yeah?
- Yeah.
- Hiyaa!
- No, got the wrong apartment,
- I guess. Sorry.
- Not a problem.
- Uh, wait, is Laurie there?
- Oh, yeah. Uh, hold on a second.
- Honey.
- Oh... hi, daddy.
- But I still have to paint the heart over the "I".
- Out, go. Out, shoo.
- Oh, God! All right, Donna!
- Okay, you're all packed.
- I can't believe my baby's leaving.
- Well, hey,
- I'll still be around, sir.
- Why would I wanna pal around with you? All you did was dirty her up.
Bob: [Unloading bags from the station wagon] Too bad the kids never found your ring... But, on the upside - pork doodles!
- ♪ We did last week
- ♪ Not a thing to do
- ♪ But talk to you
- ♪ We're all all right
- ♪ We're all all right ♪
- Hello, Wisconsin!
- Go hold her.
- You're right.
- Leo?
- Oh, my God. They're gone.
- Everybody.
- Everybody, just stay calm.
- The breast milk is safe.
- What is wrong with this thing?
- Well, this is against my better judgment, but...
- Thank you.
- Now, Hyde's really dead.
- Ow!
- That's invisible!
- Come on, we're friends.
- I figured, what's mine is yours and what's yours is mine.
- What's Donna's is mine, too.
- Kelso!
- Yeah, Barbie didn't make it either.
- No one likes to see civilian casualties.
Kitty: What's going on?
Red: Oh, nothing - we're just having a man-to-man talk..
Kitty: About what?
Red: Well, Steven's getting a little older, and he had some "questions"...
Kitty: Oh, please, he was married to a stripper - if anything, he should be giving YOU advice!
Reginald: [as Jackie tries to cheer Kitty up, after Kitty learns Eric and Donna are "sexually active"] Jackie? Oh, good, you're here. Now, get out.
Jackie: I'm trying to help.
Reginald: You wanna help? Go make me a sandwich.
- It wasn't a date.
- It was a gig.
- Whatever it was, it was a gross misuse of van.
- And, uh... And you owe me money... big-time!
- I owe you money?
- What about all the stuff I bought you while we were together?
- That does not count. You gave me those things so I would love you.
- Michael, this is gonna be the most magical night of our lives.
- Oh yeah. And one more thing.
- My parents are at the a & p, so we only have, like, 15 minutes.
- Nu!
- Well, as long as you're not
- Mrs. Tattletale, we'll be fine.
- Leo, those guys are driving me crazy in there.
- Do you know what they think is Christmas-y? Unicorns.
- Right, no, I'm sorry.
- Space unicorns.
- Well, that's redundant.
- Do you have any idea what this is gonna look like, man?
- And pathetic.
- And you know what else?
- My hands are huge.
- They're like boxing gloves.
- I am the greatest.
- Ok, champ, whatever you sa...
- Is there anything in your book about not insulting my father?
- Oh, I don't know, I only read the first chapter.
- Oh, okay, no more talking about your father.
- So, how do you like the clogs I bought you?
- Oh, they're awesome.
- Oh, good, 'cause your father's an ass!
[Hyde just left and Jackie makes up an excuse to leave as well]
Jackie: I just remembered that I have to go to the mall because they're having this big "Monday Madness Sale".
Donna: Jackie, it's Tuesday.
Jackie: See? Total madness!
- Okay. Will do.
- Bud's comin' over for drinks tonight.
- Uh, Mom, do you really want to invite an alcoholic over for cocktails?
- Oh, right. Okay, well,
- I'll just, um...
- I'll make him a nice
- Shirley Temple... and he can fill up on cheese.
- So?
- So, call a cab. We're sprung.
- What? We're free?
- All charges dropped.
- Wait, that is what you wanted, right?
- Let's get the hell outta here.
Jackie: [Gives Donna a gift] Happy Birthday! I got you a diary - I noticed you needed a new one when I was reading your old one.
Fenton: [to Donna, after Eric storms out] Men! Can't live with 'em... Well, you CAN, but you have to be quiet about it!
- Or instead of Red snagging you, maybe you snagged Red dipping into Hyde's stash. I'm just saying, everyone's trying it.
- I guess Kelso was right.
- Everyone is trying it.
- I'm telling you, this stuff isn't just for cakes.
- It's great all by itself.
- Wait, wait. Watch this.
Donna: Where are they, you pervert?
Fez: Donna, you have to leave!
Donna: I'm not going anywhere without my pictures!
Fez: Shhhh! What pictures?
Donna: The naked ones of me! The ones in the Barry White record you bought!
Fez: Ah, crap!
[Caroline screams]
Caroline: [Comes into the living room with the naked pictures] What the hell are these? And what is she doing here?
Donna: Will you give me those!
Caroline: Fez, I thought you said you lived alone!
Fez: I do! She's just visiting, I swear! There is no one else that lives here.
Jackie: [Coming out of her room] Screw this! You know, I'm not gonna sit locked up in my room with stale marshmallows! I live here, too!
Fez: Oh, that's incredibly bad timing.
Caroline: *Two* women?
Fez: Okay. Caroline, I have to be honest with you. Juanita and Maria Jose are my maids.
Caroline: Well, then. They can clean up your blood!
[Pushes Jackie and Donna out of the way and tackles Fez]
- This barbecue is over.
- Dad, that's it?
- You're just gonna give up?
- We had sparkler dogs.
- We could win this thing.
- No. Donna, thanks.
- But it's over.
- I just wanted one big blowout.
- One last hurrah, you know?
- Oh, why didn't I rent the one-man band?
Donna: Jackie, do you realize who fits every single thing on your list?
Jackie: Yes - Elton John! And I think he's single, because you never see him out with a girl!
- I didn't come here for her,
- I came here for me.
- That's a huge dilemma, man.
- But you know what you really gotta ask yourself?
- Is there anybody who's not in a motel room with three women that you could tell this to?
- You need space.
- Oh. Menopause makes me crazy?
- I'm crazy?
- I'm crazy?
- Well, if you want space,
- Red Forman, you got it!
- This crazy lady's out the crazy door!
Donna: It's kinda cold.
Eric: Here! Take my jacket.
Donna: I love you.
Eric: God, we are such the... perfect couple.
Jackie: [looking at Kelso] I'm cold, too.
Michael: Well, damn, Jackie, I can't control the weather!
Red: Nothing around this house is cheap.
Eric: Except for Laurie.
Laurie: I am not cheap!
Eric: Free, whatever.
- Peter Frampton!
- Are you kissing him?
- No!
- Are you sure?
- Hello.
- Hello, this is Norman.
- Shall we kiss?
Fez: [Sees Caroline] Holy crap! It's Caroline!
Randy: Who's Caroline?
Steven: She went out with Fez. But, he broke up with her because she's crazy. Which is ironic, 'cause that's probably why she went out with him in the first place.
Fez: Guys, I can't let her see me. Hide me!
Randy: [Loudly] Where should we hide you, Fez?
Caroline: [Turns around] Fez?
Fez: Well played, you son of a bitch!
Kitty: Ooh, the Lion's Head! If we're going some place that fancy, I'll have to shave your neck- I'll go get the clippers.
Michael: Look, man. Breaking up sucks, okay? When Jackie dumped me, you know what she said? "Something, something... Never want to see you again... Blah, blah, blah..." Hey, you think that didn't hurt?
- Well, you could run away.
- H0 h0, as if they'd come and look for you.
- Say, here's something you can do.
- Think of all the good times you've had with your family.
- Because they're all over now, ha, ha, ha!
- Oh, come on.
- I think I know something that might make you feel better.
- Hey, um...
- Can we just like...
- Could we just sit for a while?
- Yeah, sure.
- Yeah, she's been blowing me off more and more.
- And she thinks I'll take it, but I won't. Uh-uh.
- Can you lift your feet, please?
- Sorry.
- And I'm not listenin' to your little story... so you really need to stop talkin' to yourself.
- She wants to be with you, and you wanna be with her.
- So why don't you stop whining about it and just go be with each other?
- 'Cause the whole thing sickens me.
- But what am I gonna do with Pam?
- Don't worry about it.
- I'll take care of Pam.
- Aha!
- I was so blind.
- Nuclear bomb beats everything.
- One more time, winner take all.
- One, two, three.
- I'm going home.
- If you kick down that door, you're gonna have to put it back up.
- You take the fun out of everything, Red.
- Mom, if you won't come out, will you at least let Dad come in there?
- How could you think I was flirting with another man?
- Maybe I overreacted, you're a beautiful woman.
- So are you, Bob.
Midge: So, Kitty, looking forward to Thanksgiving?
Kitty: Yes. Red's mother is coming.
Midge: What's that pet name she has for you?
Kitty: Whore.
- That is a great plan.
- Okay, I'm ready.
- Hey. Let's go, friend.
- Okay.
- That is such a bad plan.
- Yeah, but, you know, on the bright side... maybe we'll be there when it all blows up in his face.
Fez: Eric, what do you want to call it when you want to stick two pieces of wood together?
Eric: I think you'd call it "nailing", Fez. Just like Kelso nailed Hyde's sister.
Steven: How long have you two been planning that line out?
Eric: For about as long as it took Kelso to nail your sister.
Fez: I'm so excited to see "Star Whores"!
Steven: No, Fez. It's "Star *Wars*".
Fez: Screw that!
Red: Kitty, forgive me if I'm wrong, but isn't it normal at a wedding for the bride and groom to... show up?
Steven: I mean, he lives on a fantasy island, man, and he's a midget. It's so obvious.
- I love ballet movies.
- They make you think, you know?
- How did their feet get so pointy?
- That's a mystery I'm determined to solve.
- What?
- You miss me.
- Well... you missed me.
- I really did.
- so they're not all rusty.
- Hey, Donna, I'm gonna need you to help me pull my pants off.
- Fine. Turn around.
- Wedgie.
- Oh, I'm sorry. Did you say off?
- I thought you said up your butt.
- I still liked it.
- Okay, okay. That could work.
- I would just like to adjust one little thing.
- Okay. The businesswoman idea is good.
- But what about this?
- All right, now, Kelso.
- You'll just go through a few typical stock boy tasks while I firmly, but kindly, oversee you.
- Got it.
- All right. Let's get started.
- Which is why I'm so pleased to recently meet a young engaged couple who have turned their backs on temptation, despite the lure of premarital sex.
- Oh, no. Oh, God. Oh, no.
- So here they are, Eric
- Forman and Donna Pinciotti.
- Please stand.
Fez: Well, errand boy, you just sold your soul for a car.
Michael: Who cares, Fez. Your soul is like an appendix. I don't even use it.
Kitty: [to Eric] No. This is a very difficult day for your father and he needs to be with his family.
Steven: I'll be in the basement.
[Gets up to leave]
Kitty: No, you sit!
Steven: [Sits back down] Oh, sure! When things get ugly, suddenly I'm family!
Laurie: Not to me, you freak.
Steven: You are *so* going to end up in porno!
Steven: Yeah, Thanksgiving. We celebrate the subjugation of an indigenous people with yams and Underdog floats.
- Aah!
- Unh!
- That's my eye!
- Heh heh heh!
- Nice.
- Uh-oh.
- Ow! My eye!
Kitty: I'm in CHARGE? This is like when President Johnson was sworn in on that plane after President Kennedy was... Well, THAT was a TRAGEDY!
Frank: I did not lose a leg in Vietnam so I could serve hotdogs to teenagers.
Kelso: You got both your legs, Frank.
Frank: Like I said, I did not lose a leg in Vietnam!
Eric: How come Red's such a hard-ass, and I'm... It's like, when a bear has a baby, it's a little bear! I'm like... a duck.
Donna: Eric, you were a bear when you were born. Red pounded you into the duck we know and love.
Bob: I think I got Red's, because the only words I can repeat are "Eric", "little" and a word that starts with "mother"...
Kitty: Well, "Mother", that's nice!
Bob: It takes a pretty hard left turn.
Kitty: [Storming out] Thanksgiving is RUINED!
- taking me to the dentist.
- Eric, I feel kind of bad.
- You wouldn't even be thinking about this kind of stuff if you weren't caught in the blinding light of my bright future.
- You know, the scary thing is, if one year went by this fast, imagine where Eric is gonna be in 10 years.
- How the hell would you know that?
- The... Laurie always had such good posture.
- That indicates a quality mattress.
- What's wrong with your house, honey?
- It's not safe.
- If my brothers don't step on her, one of the dogs probably will.
- You have dogs?
- No, we don't know whose they are.
- Kitty, not in the car.
- Hey, nice 'vette.
- You should come see the custom job I did on mine.
- Cost me $3,000 and a marriage.
- $3,000?
- And a marriage!
- I'll only be a minute, Kitty.
Red: [as Kelso removes his uniform shirt to reveal his t-shirt] Kelso, what are you doing?
Michael: Oh. Well, I'm going for this Travolta thing. Ya see, my character is a dancer who's only stocking shelves until he hits it big.
Steven: I can't talk to cops, man. I go insane with rage.
Steven: Eric, I've been thinking about your problem with Donna. After hours of careful consideration, it still makes me laugh.
Kitty: [At breakfast, Red and Eric concentrated on eating; Kitty lets out an exaggerated sigh. Red and Eric glance at each other warily, Kitty lets out an even more exaggerated sigh, and they lower their heads and start eating more rapidly] Isn't anybody going to ask me how I feel?
Reginald: Well, of course, honey! Eric, ask your mother how she feels.
[about Annette]
Michael: I love her.
Eric: No, you don't!
Michael: Well, I love *parts* of her!
Michael: [as Laurie sits astride his lap] Laurie, I don't think you should be sitting on me - I don't think Jackie would like it.
Laurie: I think YOU like me sitting on you, Michael - in fact, I KNOW you do!
- Yeah, you know, the makeup, shopping, braiding each other's hair... you are like the girlfriend I never had.
- Oh.
- Well, thanks, Jackie.
- I... Wait.
- Girlfriend?
- Yeah. I mean,
- Donna's nice and everything... but she kinda dresses like a trucker.
- Well, maybe we wouldn't be so comfortable if we just gave each other some space.
- Don't make me hit you.
- Well, good luck reaching me through all the space.
- Hey, guys. Is Hyde here?
- Hyde?
[Sighs] You're good people, son.
- You too, man.
- Well, this is where you get off.
- And one more thing: Next time, take a bus.
- You're too pretty to hitch.
- Aw, thanks, man.
- Oh, Paula, thank you so much.
- Oh, oh, Kitty.
- What are sisters for, huh?
- I'll talk to you in a couple of days.
- And you remember what I said.
- Oui, oui, ma soeur.
- Sorry, Kitty, but how am I supposed to name that tune if I can't even hear the notes?
- Okay. Well, this kid seems to be harmless, but since you're training, why don't you frisk him anyway?
- Sure, frisk the foreign guy.
- The color of my skin is not a crime!
- ♪ We did last week
- ♪ Not a thing to do
- ♪ But talk to you
- ♪ We're all all right
- ♪ We're all all right
- Hello, Wisconsin!
- Why are you trying to ruin our Saturday?
- Come on, let's go down to Fatso Burger, and get some burgers and fries.
- Teenagers love burgers and fries!
- Nah, no thanks.
- What if I said I'm buying?
Donna: If we're meant to be together, then we'll end up together.
Eric: No! The way we end up together is by saying we'll be together and then... being together!
Donna: Eric, come on. We're together now. Isn't that enough?
Eric: No! I mean... I mean, damn, Donna! If you can see a future for yourself without me and that doesn't, like, break your heart, then we're not doing what I thought we're doing here! And, you know what? Maybe we shouldn't even be together at all!
- Eric, you're in shock.
- You have to go inside and tell red right now, right now!
- Wait, um...
- Will you do it?
- Please! Right now!
- I forgot the tupperware.
- at the restaurant would impress her.
- I mean, busboy's a job, but waiter is a career.
- Okay, well, then you know what?
- We'll just both go down there, apply, and may the best man win.
- No, I want it.
- You fence?
- Touche.
- You know, I'm sorry if I'm a little short-tempered with you sometimes.
- It's just, well, when I see you, I just...
- No. No, I can't.
- But I am all atwitter.
- I'm sorry. I just can't. And no one can know about this.
Fez: I was just showing Caroline the back of my new car and my tongue.
Michael: Fez, this isn't your car.
Jackie: Yeah, foreigners can't drive here unless it's a cab.
- Understand?
- You're kidding, right?
- You're kidding, right!
- I'll scratch your big, dumb eyes out! Got it?
- Oh, my God.
- I know.
- Her nails are beautiful.
- Hey, where's your dad, man?
- Okay.
- He, um...
- He went to work for the police.
- Developing high-tech handcuffs to restrain people with tiny wrists.
- Wait a second.
- You guys live together?
- Yep.
- Without any wives or girlfriends?
- Yep.
- You know what I call guys like you?
- Oh, dear.
- Lucky bastards!
- Here's a dollar.
- Sorry about the scene.
- Oh, poor Fez. Too depressed to leave his room.
- That's it. You guys, we gotta cheer him up.
- Eric, knock first.
- If Fez is alone, I'm guessing he's not wearing pants.
- Oh, awesome!
- Wait. Let's catch him.
Eric: Mom, I signed my paycheck over to you. Buy yourself something pretty, or... electricity.
Kitty: Oh, thank you, honey!
[turns to Red]
Kitty: Red, it wouldn't hurt you to thank him, too!
Red: It might. I just had a heart attack.
- Oh, my God! You like my dad?
- Do you know if he's seeing anyone?
- Yeah.
- My mom.
- And they bought furniture together, so...
- Yeah, I think it's pretty serious.
- ♪ We did last week
- ♪ Not a thing to do
- ♪ But talk to you
- ♪ We're all all right
- ♪ We're all all right ♪
- Hello, Wisconsin!
[the bartender sees Hyde]
Bud: Hey, you look kinda familiar. Do I know you?
Steven: I should hope so... Dad.
- Ah.
- Eric, why didn't you listen to me?
- If you'd gone to college, you could've really been something.
- Been something?
- Whoa.
- You're talkin' to the interim assistant weekend manager of housewares here, okay?
- Yeah. Show some respect.
- Well aren't you just the president of Turd Town?
Donna: Did you read my diary? I won't get mad if you did.
Eric: [cautious] Yes.
Donna: You sneaky little dillhole!
- Oh, yeah?
- Mm-hmm.
- Let's go.
- Let's go. Come on. Bring it on.
- Come on! You want a big piece of me?
- Let's go!
Jackie: I am so disgusted!
[Over Eric's behavior]
Melissa: I know - there are WAY too many girls at this party! I can't even smell my own perfume!
Jackie: Well, you're the only one.
[Looks around]
Jackie: You may not even the prettiest girl here..
Melissa: You shut your hole!
- a pair of apostles.
- Ooh, um, I have a Jack, a queen, and a king.
- You mean a Joseph, a Mary, and a Jesus.
- Wow! That's gonna be hard to beat.
- That's so true, kitty.
- Let's see what Laurie's got.
Michael: [Eric enters the kitchen wearing one of Donna's blouses] Forman, just 'cause there's a sale at Penney's doesn't mean you gotta buy everything!
Michael: When you're not looking, I'm gonna slip the little guy some popcorn.
Brooke: Michael, babies can't eat popcorn; they don't even have teeth!
Michael: Hey, my grandma Bessie doesn't have any teeth, and, believe me, she ain't shy around a bucket of popcorn!
- Just like he forgot that other thing. The sixties.
- Well, what am I gonna do?
- I mean,
- I don't wanna hurt his feelings.
- Donna, I know this is weird for you, but you have to remember, it is hilarious for us.
- I think you and Leo could be great together. I can see it now.
Red: And you are about to read a book that my foot wrote. It's called: "On The Road To 'In Your Ass'"!
Jackie: You... you are my hero... my... my hunky, sexy, foreign skating hero!
Fez: And you are my... my spoiled, whiny skating princess.
- You know what?
- I've been doing just fine since my dad disappeared into the jungles to bring freedom to the grateful natives.
- Jackie, your father is in prison for embezzling
- $60,000 from the city.
- I'm pretty, don't contradict me.
Crazy: [to Eric] Looks like the Bears have pretty much lost, so why don't *you* just get lost?
Reginald: Look, you've made your point. Yes, he's wearing a Bears jersey, but he's my son.
Crazy: Son, or daughter?
Eric: You can say what you want about me but it's not going to affect me.
Crazy: [to Red] Stay out of this, baldy!
Eric: Hey, watch what you say about my Dad!
Crazy: Oh, yeah? Who's going to make me?
Reginald: I am.
Eric: No, *I* am!
[Eric knees the fan, throws him to the ground, pounds him and throws an elbow drop]
Reginald: Eric's in a fight! No one's here! No one's going to believe me! Why didn't I bring my camera?
[about streaking]
Eric: Don't get me wrong, I'm completely pro nudity, but I think my Dad might kill me and I'm anti being killed.
Jackie: Eric, no offense, I know she's your sister, but Laurie is such a whore.
Eric: Jackie, not since the "Smokey and the Bandit" debate, are you and I so on the same page.
Donna: Me too.
Steven: Hear hear.
Fez: Yes.
Jackie: Oh, my God. You all hate Laurie?
[Everyone nods]
Jackie: I don't believe this. You all hate Laurie, and love me.
Steven: ...We all hate Laurie, all right.
Red: There's something you should know: when used separately, women and alcohol can be a lot of fun. But, put together, they can make you a dumbass!
- Yeah, well, thank God for the honest ones like Richard Nixon, huh?
- Oh, no.
- What did you say?
- I said that
- Nixon was framed and Kennedy was a commie.
- That's right.
- that just might do the trick.
- I am now going to jump over a shark on water skis to prove that I'm the coolest foreign exchange student in Point Place.
- He'll never make it.
- Shut up. He can do it.
- He's the Fez!
- Okay, here I go. Hit it.
Gus the Trucker: Tell me, did it hurt?
Michael: What?
Gus the Trucker: When you fell down from heaven?
Michael: [pause] No, I'm fine!
- and without them, you can't breathe.
- But I don't care what she says.
- How the heck did you ever get a girl?
- I don't know.
- I just stare at her until she stops talking and then I kiss her.
- Unbelievable.
- I don't want nothing to happen to the "love bus."
- Okay, I got it.
- I got a better idea.
- Okay, just make sure it's tight.
- Right.
- Okay, you're good to go.
- Well, at least the roof's okay.
- Randy, don't worry about it.
- I mean, at least you tried.
- Yeah, well, I'd like to do what I can to help.
- Because I care about the Children's Library.
- You hear that, Point Place?
- Randy Pearson loves little boys.
- Shut up!
- Okay, my mom's a nurse.
- I'm going to go wake her up.
- Maybe she can fix him.
- Just don't wake up red, though, huh?
- He'll kill us all.
- Gee, you think?
- Okay, gentlemen.
- Take your positions.
- Okay. I'm here.
- Where's the dead bird?
- Kelso, you're supposed to come in through the side door.
- What?
- Eric, I need you to take out the...
- You guys are so dead.
- I mean, what kind of a horrible person skips out on someone they've known their whole life?
- I mean, someone they're supposed to love?
- Uh-huh. Um...
- Donna, why is your suitcase in the backseat?
- Oh, I was just... I don't know. I thought... Hey, I showed up, okay!
Michael: I'm havin' a horrible day. Laurie's gone, and Jackie's all suspicious of me. And I'm gettin' no lovin'. *None*. I can't be me without lovin'.
Fez: That Thomas is shady. And have you noticed he never says what country he's from?
Steven: What country are you from?
Fez: What country are *you* from?
Steven: America.
Fez: Fine, mystery solved.
- Zip, zip, bim, bam, you're done, you're dressed, you're back at the mall.
- Jackie, I'm screwed.
- If I tell my parents, only
- 1 of 2 things can happen: They'll either be furious...
- Or they'll ask me how it was.
- I don't like how you're treating the children.
- Look, Kitty.
- I'm not gonna let our kids go down the wrong path.
- But if you have a better idea, I'm all ears.
- Okay.
- Maybe you could be a little less strict and a little more loving.
- Okay, Kitty.
- Enough with the sarcasm.
- Uh, all right, Eric,
- I don't want to play Joseph as a carpenter.
- Oh, how about if I play him as a spaceman?
- Okay, uh, Kelso, I don't think
- Jesus was the son of a spaceman.
- Oh, really?
- Where do you think God lives?
- It's true, man.
- Whoo!
- Boy, do I know how to shake it.
- Imbecile, you're on.
- Well, that's my cue.
- This is just like A Star is Born and I'm Barbra Streisand.
- Love me!
- Okay, the day we backed over skipper in the driveway and instead of going to the county fair,
- I had to Bury him in the back yard.
- Okay.
- I'm good.
- And good night.
Jackie: Wow, all this cleaning is kind of satisfying; you know, I bet my maid is glad she's not a doctor in her own country anymore!
- I'm Hyde.
- I'm Eric.
- Oh, you're the one that loves Donna.
- I do not!
- Well, my name is...
- What is wrong with you? Were you dropped on your head?
- Yes, I was!
- And up until now, everyone had the good grace not to mention it.
Jackie: Androgynous guys are so manly.
Kitty: Well, back then we had some morals - not like you girls today, loose, throwing it around town like the paper boy!
Reginald: The birds had a "Crap on My Car" festival; I have to get this off, or the paint will oxidize - OXIDIZE!
Kitty: Why don't you just park the car in the garage?
Reginald: [Incredulously] Kitty, if I park the car in the garage, I can't see it from the kitchen table! Don't make suggestions about things you don't understand.
- Hey, listen.
- Have a merry, uh, keg party.
- Mr. Hyde, you're the best.
- Yeah, you're the best.
- Will you be my daddy?
- I'm not kidding.
- Seriously.
- Oh, hey, Fez, can you grab this for me?
- Sure.
Ricky: Hey, Foreman - who said you were on break?
Kitty: I did!
Ricky: And who are you?
Kitty: His MOTHER!
Ricky: Good enough!
[Strides away briskly]
Angie: I never did get a Thanksgiving dinner...
Michael: I can buy you a taco. Oh, and then we can celebrate the original Thanksgiving, like the Pilgrims and the, uh, Mexicans.
Eric: [to the gang after he accidentally walks in on his parents having sex] Okay, let's go. Everybody hop in the car and let's go *now*.
Michael: Where's your mom?
Eric: [Grabs Kelso's shirt and yanks Kelso towards him] SHUT UP! DON'T YOU DARE TALK ABOUT MY MOTHER!
- Oh, you know what?
- You could be right.
- It's probably Chinese noodles.
- Yes.
- Hey, you wanna go see close encounters sometime?
- Yeah. I'd love to.
- Very cool. Good night, mom.
- ♪ Ain't got no knife
- ♪ Don't you start no fight
- ♪ 'Cause I'm T.N.T.,
- I'm dynamite
- ♪ T.N.T. and I'll win the fight
- ♪ T.N.T. I'm a power load
- ♪ T.N.T. watch me explode
- You know, Donna,
- I've thought about this moment, like, a thousand times.
- Me too.
[Male outside] One, two, three!
- No, not those buns. You know, the buns.
- Eric, that seems kind of weird.
- Yeah. You know what?
- That is, like, a little weird.
- Maybe I'll just rub my face up against one of them?
- Okay.
[Eric accidentally told the gang that he and Donna are engaged]
Donna: I can't believe you told!
Eric: Hey, Donna, I got an 800 on the SAT. We're lucky I can wash myself.
Michael: Guess who made out with Pam Macey behind the gym!
Steven: Anyone with a quarter?
Michael: Me!
Fez: Damn, and I had a quarter!
- going out to lunch together.
- Well, what if we bring you back a sandwich?
- Well, a sandwich isn't gonna make me feel better, Mom.
- Okay, then. We're leaving.
- Well, in that case,
- I would like a sandwich.
- Yeah, I don't like this day.
Eric: Okay, Fez, let me ask you a question. If you were choosing godparents, wouldn't you choose Donna and me?
Fez: Well, in my country we don't have godparents. If something happens to your parents? Tough crap, you're a bum. You Americans and your safety nets.
Kitty: Eric, Jackie's on the phone. She wants to talk to you.
Steven: Jackie wants to talk to Forman?
Kitty: Yes. Now, pick up, because she's been blabbering for 45 minutes, and I never noticed it when she was living here, but she's not that interesting.
- and I just might have set a few booby traps.
- I am so lucky to have a daddy who cares enough to set booby traps.
- Fine. Okay, I get it.
- The only way I get to drive the Corvette is if there's a fire.
- But to the end of the driveway. No further.
- A fire is no excuse for a joyride.
Eric,15296: What is your problem?
Red: You made me bald!
Jackie: I can't believe I'm in a therapist's office- I mean, there's no way I'm gonna be able to talk for a whole hour?
- I'm sensitive.
- Fez!
- I guess it's a tradition for the best man to say a few words.
- And all I really want to say is that my brother is not the only one fortunate enough to find himself in love's warm embrace.
- So, everybody, I'd like to introduce you to Donna, my new fiancee.
- Or, as I like to call her, my big, red love machine. That's her.
- Oh, I am wicked.
- And until you agree to be my wife,
- I will scour the earth in search of cats named Sir Bonkers, and I will kill them all!
- Or, at very least, spray them with water, which everyone knows they hate.
- That's a nice life.
- Red, I know what this is about.
- You're afraid of getting physical so soon after your heart attack.
- Kitty, you know I love what we do but am I willing to die for it?
- Now, you just relax. Nurse
- Kitty is here to take care of you.
Bob: Sorry I had to call you guys, but these two are making so much noise I couldn't hear my program!
Kitty: Bob, did you really have to call the police?
Bob: Well, how am I supposed to name that tune if I can't even hear the notes?
Michael: Grrr! Could you *be* any more annoying?
Jackie: YES!
- And you brought me flowers?
- No, these are for me.
- My boyfriend fell off the water tower.
- So, what, Donna? You're alone and you want me to be alone, too?
- Okay, Steven, get on home.
- I'll take care of you later.
- Trade you a kiss for a lollipop.
- I don't need that baby crap.
- Nice going, Red.
- The whole church hates us now.
- Kitty, I had nothing to do with Dave leaving the church.
- You know,
- God works in mysterious ways.
- "Let he who is without..."
- Oh, can it.
- Well, the torch-carrying mob will be here any minute. Better turn on the light.
- They won't need a light.
- They've got torches.
Kitty: [showing her high school yearbook to Red] Look, there I am. Captain of the Cheerleading Squad... Most Likely to Succeed... Best Laugh...
- but she hopes we all enjoy ourselves.
- Well, you know what?
- That's just fine. Ha ha ha.
- I don't need to kiss some old lady's a-s-s on my holiday.
- You heard what I spelled.
- Forget it.
- I hope you're hungry.
- Yeah, the chicken will be done soon.
- I can't eat chicken.
- You know I have an irritable bowel.
Michael: Jackie, what are these?
[takes a pair of drumsticks from the back of his van]
Jackie: Umm, vansticks?
- "Because I love you.
- I always loved you,
- "and I want to make you a promise.
- "No matter what happens...
- "Good or bad...
- I will always love you."
Kitty: Oh!
Fez: Eric, there is no bright side to going back to a place where people are outnumbered by lizards!
Michael: [pensive] I'm gonna miss you, man! When you get back there, can you mail me a lizard?
Eric: There's a fine line between "scumbag" and "Father of the Year".
[confronting the boys]
Reginald: I wish I had 2,000 feet so I could put 500 of them in each of your asses!
- I'm not caving to their smutty demands.
- I am an on-air personality.
- I am not a sex kitten.
- I agree, Donna.
- Making you wear that outfit is demeaning to women.
- Well, thank you, Fez.
- But, just to be sure, put it on and shake your ass.
- Jackie Burkhart and I are in love with disco!
- Wait. What?
- Yeah, and I will not stand by and let you set fire to these musical booty-shaking masterpieces.
- That's unfortunate.
- Oh! Okay, have fun.
- All right, Kelso, listen. You gotta wear the helmet, all right?
- Yeah, protect that face.
- That's your money.
- No, I don't want to.
- Kelso, you're not pulling out of this driveway until you put on a helmet.
- Fine. Everyone's against me.
Fez: It's time that you two left. Now, good day!
Donna: But, Fez...
Rhonda: [shouts] HE SAID, "GOOD DAY"!
[Donna and Eric are about to have sex]
Eric: I'm just going to have to warn you, I'm exhausted, so you're going to have to do all the work.
Donna: Why should today be any different?
- Next time you tell the story, ya nailed her.
- Yeah, but, you know, it's better you didn't...
- 'cause scammin' on another guy's woman...
- That's totally breaking the code.
- Donna told me what you did, you dill-hole!
- No, she's lying!
- Oh! That's my nipple!
Steven: Red, I'm sorry about your Mom and I'm sorry Kelso's an idiot.
- Hey, dude.
- What are you doing here, man?
- Leo, what are you doing here?
- It's like the universe wanted us to find each other, man.
- Yeah.
- So, do I know you, man?
Fez: And I wasted a whole day thinking up my fake name.
Steven: Yeah. Sorry, Fez. Let's drink.
- You know what? I'm in, too.
- I know it's dangerous, but I just really like wearing that outfit.
- Trust me, it'll work. How do you think I got through chemistry?
- Hey, you told me you blackmailed the teacher because you caught him smoking up behind the gym.
- Oh, yeah. How do you think
- I got through biology?
- I, as a mortal, am not worthy of your love.
- You are a goddess and I worship you.
- And I dedicate every moment of my waking life to your joy.
- Okay, what he said.
- Oh, Michael.
Kitty: Help me with this crossword puzzle. I need a four letter word for disappointment.
Red: [dryly] Eric.
Donna: So, Eric, you dad's muffler shop opens tomorrow; that's, like, the perfect job for him, because he's been muffling you for years...
Eric: Yeah, he REALLY hates noise - I think that's because it reminds him of fun.
- Okay, here we go. One, two...
- Guys,
- I have something to tell you.
- Just talk while you pose.
- Kitty, be sure to get me in the background loading the last bunch of Eric's crap.
- Oh, man.
- Okay, here we go. Smile!
- Okay, tell them, Laurie.
- I married Fez so he could stay in the country!
- You know, I would've taken you on a hayride...
- Eric, Eric.
- The important thing is that you're having a great time, and I'm having a great time.
- So have a great time.
- No, you have a great time.
- Oh, I will.
- Well, I will too.
- ♪ We did last week
- ♪ Not a thing to do
- ♪ But talk to you
- ♪ We're all all right
- ♪ We're all all right ♪
- Hello, Wisconsin!
Kitty: [Hyde doesn't want to talk about where his father has gone] Well, Steven, it's important to get these things out in the open.
Reginald: Kitty, let him do what's natural and keep his feelings bottled up.
[Red turns to face Hyde]
Reginald: Attaboy!
- If we don't get out of here, a bunch of jocks are gonna come in here and kick our asses.
- Why did I put a cherry bomb in the toilet?
- It doesn't smell like cherries at all.
- Come on, guys, think.
- Yeah, yeah. Right.
- Gotta be something we can do.
- I got it.
[Kelso feels bad for watching a porn movie]
Michael: Jackie, you know I love you and you know how much I've changed, right?
Jackie: [smiles] Yeah?
[noticing Kelso's guilty expression, Jackie frowns]
Jackie: Oh, what'd you do?
Michael: I went to a stag film. But then it turned out that there weren't any stags at all. It was just naked people having sex. Go ahead and punish me.
Jackie: [pats on Kelso's palm] No, Michael, I'm not gonna punish you. You were honest with me, and honesty should be rewarded.
Michael: [excitedly] Wow! I'm not in trouble and I get a reward? Is it a cash reward?
Jackie: [chuckles] No, Michael. The reward is feeling better about yourself.
Michael: [disappointed] Oh.
- Geez, Eric, what the hell?
- Okay, okay, I'll just go back up to the ear.
- Get away from me, you pig!
- Where are my pants?
- Wait. Wait, it was an accident.
- Look, I have a feather.
Hostess: Okie-dokie, that'll be about two hours.
Reginald: Look, here's 20 bucks.
[hands her a $20 bill]
Hostess: Right, that'll be about 15 minutes.
Reginald: You wouldn't want this place to burn down twice in the same weekend, would you?
Hostess: Right! That'll be right now.
Jackie: Wait. He just offered you a modelling job? Yeah, sounds a little suspicious. I mean, how do you know it's the owner?
Michael: 'Cause it was Mr. Halverson.
Jackie: How do you know it was Mr. Halverson?
Michael: 'Cause I said, "Aren't you Mr. Halverson?", and he said, "Yeah".
Eric: Hey, Hyde, aren't *you* Mr. Halverson?
Steven: Yeah.
- Just like my Rhonda.
- You can use the Fotohut, man.
- I'm always happy to lend it out for deflowering and bar mitzvahs.
- Thank you, Leo.
- Tomorrow night,
- Fez becomes a man.
- Oh, so it is a bar mitzvah.
Donna: You're babying him.
Kitty: I'm not.
Donna: Are there crusts on that sandwich?
Kitty: Of course not! Crusts are icky, they make Eric sicky. Oh, my God, I *am* babying him!
[Eric talks to his Grandma]
Eric: I don't think being nice for a whole day would kill you.
[Grandma falls over and dies]
- I really, really wanted you to figure that out, just not like this.
- Eric, I'm just...
- I'm so sorry.
- Hey.
- I was so stupid.
Fez: Well, the party is tomorrow night, so I better go home and start putting on cologne now.
- Then you can get out of those uncomfortable boy things.
- Wow, he came in here, just attacked you and completely ignored me.
- You must be the one the prophet spoke of.
- Man, I really got off on the wrong foot with your dad.
- It'll blow over. How long could he stay mad at a kid, right?
- Well...
- One thing I'm thinking,
- I gotta stop watching the soaps.
- Well, I think that is a good idea.
- So, listen, um,
- I brought you home a special little treat.
- Sort of.
- And you provide them a product?
- It's more like a service.
- Well, not...
- To maximize the potential utilization of the data.
- If we did that, we'd go out of business.
- but that's just stupid.
- Well, I don't think it's your decision.
- Well, I'm the man of the house, and I say you're not goin' to community college.
- You can't tell me what to do, you big... ass.
Eric: Mr. Johnson, you gave that team of midgets an ass-whupping, sir!
Rocky: You pile-drive a little guy and the whole crowd turns on you. And when you're standing there, wondering what they're booing about, you get bit on the kneecaps. Look at my knees! Midget bites!
Reginald: I wonder if you'd mind giving my son an autograph.
Rocky: No. No autographs.
Reginald: Look, pal. I might be the only guy in here who's actually killed a man.
Rocky: Give the kid an autograph. And then, no more autographs.
Rocky: That's really nice, bringing your kid to a wrestling match. You know, I've got a son. And one day, he's gonna become the most electrifying man in sports entertainment.
Reginald: Yeah, good luck with that. Wanna make that out to Red Forman?
Eric: No. I don't think so. It's Eric Forman. Capital E, r-i-c.
Reginald: Yeah, but see, his nickname is Red.
Eric: No, it's not. It's Eric.
Reginald: Stop kidding around, Red!
- with stale marshmallows.
- I live here, too!
- Well, that's incredibly bad timing.
- Two women?
- Okay. Caroline, I have to be honest with you.
- Juanita and Maria
- Jose are my maids.
- Well, then! They can clean up all of your blood!
- ♪ We did last week
- ♪ Not a thing to do
- ♪ But talk to you
- ♪ We're all all right
- ♪ We're all all right ♪
- Hello, Wisconsin!
- You don't just move on from Jackie Burkhart.
- I'm like the bottle. You need a
- 12-step program to break my spell.
- Okay, ladies. All these sound waves are interfering with my sunrays.
- Let's tan.
- All right, I'm gonna need you to lotion me up, darling, but only rub where you can see. No roaming.
- 100...
- Charlie's angels...
- Fez, voice-over: Once upon a time there were 3 little girls who went to the police academy.
- Now they work for me.
- My name is Fez.
- Because my very own son can't do anything.
- Now, that's not true.
- Just today he caught the most beautiful butterfly.
- Well, if a giant butterfly is tearing up the shop,
- I'll call Eric.
- I'm not sure I want him to face a giant butterfly.
- And these are the marks on the wall where we measured the kids' height when they were growing up.
- But you'll probably...
- You'll just paint over this.
- You unfeeling bastards! Yeah!
- You will get this house when you pry it from my cold, dead fingers.
- Oh, in fact, let me show you one more thing, the door!
[Red feels Eric should talk to the girl that just asked him to dance]
Reginald: Go talk to that girl before she comes to her senses and wants nothing to do with you.
Eric: Okay! I'm here to earn my dinner! What am I gonna do about Donna?... We're hanging out! What am I gonna do about my job?... I quit! What am I gonna do about my future?... Nothing! When am I moving out?... Make me!
- ...a coincidence.
- Me, too.
- So let's do it.
- Be first-timers, yeah.
- You know what?
- I'm gonna go cool off.
- Kelso...
- Uh-uh, one second.
- She's cooling off.
- Well, then I guess you can just light your dope with it, dopehead.
- Donna!
- Get out.
- Whoa. Not so fast, Laurie.
- Oh. Ow! Ow!
- You idiot!
- Red's doing bed checks.
- Bed check.
Eric: What happened? Did Kelso forget your birthday or something?
Jackie: I'm pregnant.
Donna: [Cut to Eric and Donna playing basketball] Eric, you're like a million miles away. What's going on?
Eric: Okay, Donna. I have to tell you something, but you have to promise you're not going to tell anybody else.
Donna: Dirt! I swear. Now tell me.
Eric: Not here.
[they get in the car]
Eric: [seen from outside the car, unable to be heard] Jackie's pregnant.
[Donna makes a shocked face]
- ♪ We did last week
- ♪ Not a thing to do
- ♪ But talk to you
- ♪ We're all all right
- ♪ We're all all right ♪
- Hello, Wisconsin!
Kitty: I have bad news. Midge left Bob.
Eric: Are you sure? I mean, she could just be lost in the backyard.
- All the guys would say,
- "I do wanna make her."
- I always wish I had a name that could be done, too.
- Jackie has a nice rackie?
- I like Jackie on her backie?
- Oh...
- Thanks, you guys.
- j' the same old thing j' j' we did last week j' j' not a thing to do j' j' but talk to you j' j' we're all all right j' j' we're all all right j' hello, Wisconsin!
- You know what might help?
- If you dress a little more masculine.
- Hey, Hyde.
- Huh?
- You know what my favorite ballet is?
- The Nutcracker?
- Ohh...
Leo: I did that, Hyde
[left a sandwich in the cash register]
Leo: . Sorry, I've been a little scatterbrained lately.
Randy: That's true, because when I first met you, I said, "That guy is really focused!"
- What? We haven't done anything yet. What?
- Relax.
- I am not here to grill you about your life, Eric.
- But, you know, young adults do have a responsibility.
- Mom!
- Please.
Michael: [Kelso begins to regret cheating on Jackie] Y'know, I guess it was wrong, what I did with Laurie. But I was just amusing myself, y'know? And that's the key to life, right? Never stop amusing yourself.
Fez: Unless it starts to chafe. Then you should take a week off. It's almost Tuesday, right?
Donna: [Watching Midge and Donna do tai chi] What are they doing?
Jackie: I think it's a kind of karate where they kill you with jiggle.
Midge: [to Donna] And that's how you do tai chi.
[to Kelso and Fez]
Midge: Think you boys are ready to try now?
Jackie: [Leering] Nah, I think we need to watch you two a little more...
Steven: Kelso, I thought you were going to start respecting women now that you have a daughter!
Jackie: I AM, but you two are grandfathered in
- Wee wee!
- Pee pee!
- Wee wee!
- Pee pee!
- Aah!
Kitty: We keep our Christmas decorations down there! Baby Jesus was watching!
Michael: [Donna complains to Kelso about his brother, but his "job" at the sperm bank has made him impatient] Y'know, if you're mad at Casey, why don't you go yell at him? I'm too tired from workin' all day to argue.
Fez: Oh, to be a working stiff.
Eric: [while waiting to be inoculated] Actually, Kelso, there was something I wanted to say to you- OW, that like a son of a bitch!
Kitty: [Deprecatingly] That was the ALCOHOL SWAB!
Eric: And it was COLD as HELL!
- I've told you over and over again that school is so important...
- What you do now determines...
- Oh, red. That is so good!
- Ooh, ooh, ooh. Right there.
- Ooh, that hasn't been touched in years.
- But he had to push me.
- He had to define everything and get his little ring on me.
- And by the time it was over, we weren't even together anymore.
- I'm fine. Son of a bitch.
- Listen, when you're done...
- I know, I know.
- Put the bags on the curb.
- Put it on.
- Do I have to?
- You bet your ass.
Red: Actually, Fez, there is something you can do for me: when the bride tosses the bouquet, it's such a magical moment! So I need you to knock some of those fat bitches out of my way.
- See, I wear earplugs so I can just barely hear it, but it needs to be loud enough, because I like the vibration on the bed.
- So, how am I supposed to get to sleep?
- Think of something boring, you know, like school, or Eric.
- All right, you blackmailing S.O.B., what do you want?
- Sure could use some fries.
- Here. Now beat it.
- You don't have to be rude.
- What if this wasn't even the first time?
- What if there have been other girls?
- Other panties?
[on Kitty's mother-in-law]
Kitty: Red's mother is coming.
Midge: What's that pet name she has for you?
Kitty: Whore.
- It was so nice to hear a familiar voice.
- Oh, you mean coming from outside your head?
- Okay, the old me would've ripped out your eyeballs and hung them from my rear-view mirror like dice.
- But the new me just smiles and slaps the anger away.
- How sexy is that?
- I am here with my heart on my sleeve.
- Hoping only for friendship...
- And acceptance.
- And what do I get?
- Abandonment. Loneliness.
- When is it Fez's turn?
- Where is my whore?
- Okay, my character's actually a dancer who's just stocking shelves until he makes it big.
- All right, all right, let me paint a picture for you.
- Just close your eyes.
- Okay, imagine with your eyes open.
- Just come with me.
Leo: [to Donna] Hey, it's the naked lady from the newspaper!
- Donna, I mean, if you come running back to me now,
- I...
- Donna, I can't be your second choice.
- But you're not.
- Eric.
- Oh. Where am I?
- And second of all, Donna's not having fun. She's in the bathroom.
- That's not the bathroom.
- Now go talk to that girl before she comes to her senses and wants nothing to do with you.
- Oh, God. Your mother's doing shots with Gladys from Housewares.
- Kitty, put it down.
- I'm gonna end up killing myself.
- No offense.
- How was that no offense?
- You should have just said, "Offense."
- Fine. Offense.
- Okay, go. But you're gonna miss out what
- I'm making for dinner. Five different meats.
- My folks didn't want me to say anything, so.
- Yeah.
- No, I mean. Yeah.
- Yeah.
- Are you okay?
- Yeah, and no.
- I don't know.
- And I'm gonna lord it over you while your butts land outside.
- That was clever.
- Oh, yeah?
- Well, I was gonna give you this $5 to get the apartment, but now you can forget it.
- That was clever.
- ♪ We did last week
- ♪ Not a thing to do
- ♪ But talk to you
- ♪ We're all all right
- ♪ We're all all right ♪
- Hello, Wisconsin!
- Softer than Liberace at the Playboy Mansion.
- Yeah!
- 'Cause he plays piano.
- Wait.
- Oh!
- Burn!
Jackie: I had to ask myself a really hard question: Who do I love the most? The person I love most is me. I love me most. Look, if I could run across the beach into my own arms, I would.
- are evil, man.
- We've got to destroy them.
- But how, Jackie?
- How?
- Oh, my god.
- Now my sugar babies really are gone.
- Top drawer.
- [Knockknocm hello.
- Oh, hey, Bob.
- Oh, hi, red.
- he's got her doing more than his laundry.
- Hey, you know what would be best?
- Samantha's hair,
- Jeannie's pretty bottle room and Wonder Woman's accessories.
- Hey, guys, we've been talking about this for a really, really long time.
Steven: [Getting ready to tow the canoe with Kelso in it] Don't you ever think we're getting too old for this kind of stuff?
Michael: No way - you can't control the timing of when a canoe is going to come into your life!
- Casey, check it out.
- They have tiny soaps.
- What am I doing?
- and it's smells like vomit and peach.
- Honey?
- Yes, baby?
- I can't find...
- Where did you get that yogurt?
- Oh, I keep yogurt all over my apartment. I love it.
- See?
- yuck.
- Second, things don't even work like that anymore.
- That's what the equal rights amendment is for.
- That's good, dear.
- You stick to your principles, and 40 years from now you can tell all your cats how you won a basketball game.
Eric: OK, first of all, I weigh 130- 49 lbs...
- Red can't even be naked in a room with a mirror.
- Right.
- Well, I'm sure Eric and I will be able to talk about this like we talk about everything, because that's what you do.
- In an open, mature relationship, you face things head on.
- Oh, God!
- Dirty!
Jackie: Wait. Is Fez Puerto Rican?
Donna: You know what? I don't know.
- I am tired of being
[Bleep] Santa claus.
- Steven, you get your [bleep] together and you get your ass in the [bleep]damn car.
- We're going [bleep].
- Now, [bleep]Damn it!
- Move it!
Reginald: Kitty, how could you have a party without telling me?
Eric: Maybe that's because every time she tells you, you go through five stages: anger, fury, rage, super-rage, and finally - cursing God for bringing you into this world.
- So, our first date.
- I guess we're officially a couple now.
- A couple of knuckleheads, huh?
- May we laugh.
- Oh! There she is.
- Okay. Showtime.
Eric: [Last line] Bring it on, Red.
[Hyde and Eric walk into the bowling alley. Jill is sitting in a chair]
Steven: Jill, what are you doing here?
Eric: All right. I confess. 'Twas me. I asked Jill to meet us here. Jill, Hyde's my friend. That's no reason to break up with him.
Jill: What? He broke up with me. He said he had to spend time with you because of some brain inflammation that makes you act like a dillhole.
[Hyde looks uncomfortable]
Eric: But... I don't have a brain thing.
Steven: He forgets he has it. It's part of the disease.
- Ahem.
- Mr., uh, president...
- Ahem.
[In slow motion] Come on, red.
- Your dad is bombing.
- ♪ We did last week
- ♪ Not a thing to do
- ♪ But talk to you
- ♪ We're all all right
- ♪ We're all all right ♪
- Hello, Wisconsin!
- Part... Huh?
- What?
- "And as Wanda walked away, she knew in her heart
- "she would never stop loving Derek."
- Wow, that's good writing.
- It's emotional and it screws you.
[Eric and Donna walk in on Jackie and Hyde, making out]
Jackie: Okay, so, um... What exactly did you see?
Eric: Hands, tongues, yours, his. It was horrible!
Donna: You were like Siamese twins joined at the beard!
- But our future is happening right now.
- Look, the station needs an answer by noon on Sunday, and I do, too.
- Well, I don't know what to say right now.
- I know this is a sensitive moment, but may I offer a word of advice?
- Run!
- What?
- Aren't fresh peas better?
- Well, don't be silly.
- Frozen peas are fine.
- It's not a holiday.
- Okay, let's see, peas, breadcrumbs, oh, I forgot the corn.
[Kelso is talking in his sleep. Jackie is listening]
Michael: This isn't going to work, Jackie.
Jackie: Us, Michael? Are we not going to work?
Michael: [still sleeping] No. The car. The carburetor is busted.
Jackie: [annoyed] This was all because of a stupid car?
Michael: [still sleeping] We're gonna have to take the bus to our wedding.
[Jackie smiles happily, thinking that Kelso means her]
Jackie: Our wedding? Oh Michael, that is so sweet! I love you, Michael Kelso.
Michael: [still sleeping] I love you too, Jackie Onassis.
[Jackie's smile immediately fades]
[Fez breaks up with Caroline and doesn't dare to say it's because she's crazy]
Fez: Umm... because... Donna and I are in love!
Caroline: *What*?
Donna: Oh, my God!
Jackie: Eeewwww!
- So, all we have to do is shove this firecracker in there and blammo!
- The sign comes down.
- Wow, it could actually work, if the base were made of pudding!
- If the base were made of pudding, Eric, we could just pull the sign right out.
- Okay, get ready to run.
Kitty: [Steven leaves after getting stunning information about his father] I don't like the way he just walked out after we told him the news. Why would he do that?
Reginald: Because he's a man, Kitty, and he knows you want him to cry. But he won't, because crying is for babies and Italians.
- so that it's fair, that's all.
- Jeez, bull,
- I thought I knew you.
- You do, red, I'm the same guy who's got shrapnel...
- No, no!
- Good night.
- Come on, Bob. They're swingers.
- You know, you're trying to lock her up, seal the deal.
- And... all I'm saying is...
- Maybe Donna's not that kind of girl.
- Okay, you don't know as much as you think, Hyde.
- So you need to just shut up.
- Now, that man is a loof.
Michael: Fez, the foundation of every good relationship is three words: I don't know. Where are you going? I don't know. What are you thinking about? I don't know. Who is that under you? I don't know. You see, it's bulletproof!
- That's not a hot blonde. It's Donna.
- Where is she going?
- Maybe she's going trolling for men who don't piss her off.
- Oh.
- That's so funny, Hyde.
- I don't know where she's going, but I'm gonna follow her.
- Would you stop doing that?
- Oh, okay, well, we'll just...
- We'll leave you two alone.
- Okay, well, there will be no more marriage talk from Bob.
- What?
- There had better be.
- She's expecting it.
- Oh, crap!
- Lock the doors.
- I'm on it.
Steven: So, big party?
Donna: [sarcastically] Whoopee.
Steven: I can't believe Forman missed all those signals.
Donna: What signals?
Steven: [in a girly voice] Oh, poor me, all alone in my big house. Just me, in my nightie. If only some scrawny, little, neighbor boy would come over!
Donna: He's not scrawny! Why am I even talking to you about this?
Steven: Because I'm all you've got.
Donna: [lying down on the couch embarrassed] So, everyone knows! All I wanted was to be alone with him!
Steven: And how does that make you feel?
Donna: Frustrated! It's frustrating as hell!
Steven: Do you have trouble sleeping at night?
Donna: Yeah, sometimes.
Steven: Do you think you'd sleep easier if you had a scrawny, little, neighbor boy next to you?
Reginald: [watching "Gilligan's Island" as Kitty looks on in disdain] Awwww... Gilligan screwed it up. Why don't they just kill him?
- Red, I'd help you with the boxes, but I don't want to tire myself out.
- I'm gonna be up all night welcoming Pam to the house.
- Okay, see you later.
- Have fun, close your shades.
- What do we do with these boxes?
- Let's just stick them in there.
- Hi, boys.
Jackie: Come on, Michael. Let's go somewhere where our love is accepted.
Eric: While you're there, you might want to check out the monkey cages.
Samantha: Oh, here's some pictures of our wedding; we found this beautiful little chapel called Weddings and Waffles...
Rhonda: If I don't get a friggin' M&M, I'm gonna start swinging!
[Eric just told Steven Jackie kissed Todd]
Steven: We hold information that could crush the very heart and soul of one of our best friends. I live for days like this!
Fez: Trick or treat.
[Fez gets an apple]
Fez: An apple? Where's my candy, you son of a bitch?
Kitty: [about Hyde's brownies] Well, I know Steven put the special ingredient in.
Eric: I told him not to!
Hyde: [At the same time] Special ingredient?
Kitty: Of course! Love!
Hyde: Yes, ma'am, Mrs. Forman. There's a whole big bag of love in here.
Midge: I keep telling him, if he'd grow as much hair on his head as he does on his back, he'd have a full head of hair!
- I'm foxy lady.
- And I'm nice and easy.
- You're not fat...
- Or... old at all!
- Of course not. We're gymnasts.
- Dear penthouse...
Kitty: Red, he's so skinny. Just take away his car.
Reginald: No! I'm trying to teach the boy responsibility. I want a plan out of you by tonight, or no dinner, either.
Eric: Dad, that's not... Wait. Mom, what's for dinner?
Kitty: Fried chicken.
Eric: Oh, come on!
Reginald: [as Hyde enters the kitchen and sits at the table] Steven. When are you moving out?
Steven: Soon.
Reginald: How's your girlfriend?
Steven: Shallow as hell.
Reginald: Job?
Steven: Dead-end.
Reginald: Future?
Steven: Bleak.
Reginald: Kitty, feed the boy!
- To divorce.
- Oh, no, no. No, no.
- If you're gonna drink to divorce, drink alone in the dark like regular sad people.
- I'm not sad, I'm happy.
- 'Cause now I can do all kinds of things I couldn't do before.
- Like, Joanne
- , we could get married.
[Red, Kitty, Hyde and Samantha are in the kitchen, having breakfast. Hyde is reading the newspaper]
Samantha: You know I hate it when you read the paper while I'm sitting right here next to you!
Steven: [indifferently] Yeah. That's why I'm doing it, honeybunch.
Samantha: Why don't you read your horoscope? I bet it says you won't be getting *any*!
[Samantha storms out of the kitchen]
Steven: [loudly] Oh, here's my horoscope: "You'll find yourself living with a *bitch*!"
Fez: Oh, we're locked in in a locker room. The irony is not lost on me! Why do you mock us fate, why?
Hyde: Get in the car, we're goin' on a freakin' date.
- but we don't have what we used to have?
- Donna, we will. We love each other, right?
- So... trust me.
- It can only get better.
- Okay, so, I guess what you're saying is we need practice.
- And lots of it! Yes!
- And then you gave birth to a beautiful daughter.
- And then Eric.
- Who is just wonderful.
- And I've grown up a lot since then.
- Oh, you're dead, kid!
- ♪ We did last week
- ♪ Not a thing to do
- ♪ But talk to you
- ♪ We're all all right
- ♪ We're all all right ♪
- Hello, Wisconsin!
Stacy: Now Eduardo, you'll have no say in any of the decisions about your wedding, so go sit in the grooms' lounge.
Donna: Goody, new friends!
[Walks over and greets the other grooms]
Donna: Hey!
Prospective: [In group, dejectedly] Hey...
- Fez, a teenager, a boy with needs.
- Gentlemen, we can rebuild him.
- We have the technology.
- We can make him more appealing to Nina, by making him less needy.
- We can make him cooler, suaver, aloofer.
- "Aloofer"?
- Is that even a word?
- We can make it one.
- We have the technology.
[Hyde and Jackie are sitting on the hood of her car at night. Hyde takes a swallow of his pop. Jackie looks at him and smiles]
Jackie: This is the best date ever.
Hyde: Jackie, we haven't talked in 30 minutes.
Jackie: That's okay. Steven, you don't have to say anything. I understand you.
Hyde: [sneers] Oh, you do, do you?
Jackie: Sure. Okay, so you're probably sitting there thinking, "I'm on this date with this girl who really, really likes me, and, and she's so beautiful that..."
Hyde: Jackie...
[Jackie puts her finger to Hyde's lips to silence him]
Jackie: Shhh. And you're wondering, "How can I open up to her when everyone I have ever loved has abandoned me. Am I even worthy of love?". Well, you are, Steven. You are.
[Hyde looks at her for a moment, then covers his eyes and seems to start crying. Jackie puts her arm around him for comfort]
Jackie: It's okay, Steven, it's okay. You know what? Let it out. Let it all out.
Hyde: [in whimpering voice] Okay.
Jackie: It's okay.
[Hyde lifts his face to reveal he wasn't really crying and blows a raspberry in her face. Jackie calmly wipes the spit off her cheek and then jumps off the car]
Jackie: Let's go home!
Hyde: Oh, c'mon, I'm kidding! No, this is, this is alright. We can hang out here for awhile, okay? God...
[Jackie walks around the car and rejoins Hyde, smiling. Hyde offers her some pop]
Hyde: Here, have some of my pop.
Jackie: [takes the pop] Sure.
[Jackie smiles at Hyde, gets closer to him, takes his arm and puts it around her shoulder]
Hyde: Okay.
[Jackie takes a sip from the pop]
Fez: [to Jackie] You have to shape up or put out.
- Red! Red! Oh, I'm so sorry!
- It was an accident.
- Bob...
- I never thought I'd say this... but I'm glad you're my friend.
- Red, I never thought I'd say this... but... you smell nice.
Reginald: [Opening the bedroom door and coming in with presents and balloons] Happy Birthday!
Kitty: Oh, you remembered?
Reginald: Well, of course we remembered, honey. We just figured that we wait 'til there were only fifteen minutes left in the day and you were good and mad, and then we sneak up here and surprise the hell out of you!
Kitty: Wow, what a good plan, 'cause I was awfully mad.
Reginald: Yeah, we really had you going!
Eric: Here, Mom, open this one first. It's from me.
[Gives her the present]
Kitty: Well, thank you, honey.
[Unwraps the first present]
Kitty: Oh. A map of Wisconsin. Oh, well, thank you.
Eric: And Mom, I got you these balloons, too.
[Gives her the balloons]
Kitty: [Reading the slogan on the balloons] "Knock Out the Knock-Knocks at Schiffy's Gas-N-Go". Huh.
Reginald: Wait, Kitty, there's more!
[Gives her his present]
Kitty: [Unwraps the second present] A funnel.
Reginald: 'Cause I know how much you like to pour things!
Kitty: Well, um, either these gifts are really thoughtful, or *you bought a bunch of crap at the gas station*!
Reginald: What?
Kitty: Oh, admit it, Red Forman. You forgot my birthday!
Eric: Quick, Dad, give her the lighter!
Reginald: Look, Kitty, I'm sorry. But it's just... Well, marking the calendar is *your* responsibility!
[Kitty looks shocked and mortified at what he just said]
Eric: Dad! No!
- and got you something you can actually use.
- What is it?
- It's a knob for your new stereo.
- Wait, did you guys just take this off while I wasn't looking?
- Eric, there's an old saying.
- "Don't look a gift horse in the knob."
- And what happened to my
- Led Zeppelin eight-track?
- You mean gift number two.
Kelso: Wait a minute, I'm a police officer in training, so we're gonna do this by the book!
Jackie: [Scoffing] What book? You didn't READ any book!
Kelso: No, but I was ASSIGNED one! And I've killed four bees with it!
Michael: Hey, have you guys seen Fez? He was supposed to meet me at the Hub, like, an hour ago.
Eric: Where's the last place you saw him?
Michael: Down in the basement... with a box of Playboys...
Jackie: Oh, my God!
Eric: I'll get the first aid kit...
Red: What are you doing here?
Michael: The explanation is in the note.
Red: [reading the note] Dear Red, we would like for you to give Michael thirty dollars for the game you threw out the window and broke. Signed, my parents.
[Kitty laughs hysterically, and leaves the room]
Red: Well, you made her laugh, that's worth at least thirty bucks.
[Gives Kelso the money]
Laurie: Well, that's not as bad as when I walked in on you, in bed with your Dorothy Hamill poster, and you were all...
Eric: LAURIE WAS BORN WITH A TAIL!
Steven: *What*?
Eric: Yeah! Laurie was born with a tail!
Laurie: I HATE YOU!
Red: Yeah, it was funny!
Kitty: Well, I don't know how *funny* it was. Imagine if it were you walking in on *your* parents!
[Red looks at Kitty, highly perturbed]
Kitty: And your mother was a dancer. *That* would have been quite something!
Kitty: [Discussing possible retirement activities with Red] Well, you know, you could take a trip. When Amy O'Brien's husband retired, they went to see the nutcracker museum in Rhode Island. We don't have to go some place that fancy, but there is that cave in West Virginia I've been wanting to see.
Steven: That's a good idea, Red. You and Kitty should travel. You know, see the world.
Reginald: I saw the world when I was in the Navy. It shot at me.
Eric: Fenton, at the jewelry store, said that some "pretty little number" came by and paid for...
[struck by a thought, turns to Kitty]
Eric: Oh, my God! Mom, *you're* the pretty little number!
Kitty: [snorting contented laughter] Well, I *do* like hearing that
[turns to glare at Red]
Kitty: ONCE IN A WHILE!
Eric: How was your first day?
Donna: Grim. This nun totally spanked me with a ruler.
Fez: Yet another reason I wish I was a ruler.
- Uh-huh.
- All right. All those who are gettin' some, hands up.
- Anybody else?
- Gettin' some?
- Hyde? Fez?
- Yeah.
Donna: I don't get Eric. Why won't he wear that ring? Plenty of classy men wear rings: Wayne Newton, the Pope, my Uncle Carmine from Hoboken. You lose *his* ring, you wake up in a dumpster! And that's just a warning!
Fez: You tried to control her, Eric, and the woman always controls the man.
Michael: You owe me money.
Jackie: Michael, your uncle gave you that van for free.
Michael: Yeah? Well, I put a lot of money into that van. The shag carpeting, the 8-track, strobe light, black light, red light.
Jackie: I hate you!
Michael: Well, I hate you more!
Jackie: I hate you *most*!
Michael: Well, I hate you the... Damn it!
Steven: All right. All right. Let's just act like adults and treat this like what it really is - a divorce.
Fez: Oh, Jackie, you get custody of me.
Steven: All right. Let's just figure out what you guys owe each other.
Jackie: Fine. I'm not afraid. I'm right, and he's a total moocher.
Michael: I'm not afraid, either. There are laws to protect a man and his van.
Steven: For instance, the Man-Van Act of 1847.
Michael: Right!
Steven: [takes a notepad and starts writing] All right. All right. Jackie, in your opinion, what are the goods and services that Kelso owes you for?
Jackie: Everything! He was a total doofus before I met him. In fact, I bought you that belt, so, hand it over. And the shirt, too.
Michael: Fine. You know, this shirt has bad memories of you buying me stuff anyway.
[Kelso takes off his shirt and gives it to Jackie]
Fez: [takes the notepad from Hyde] Here, let me do the math. Okay. Now, Kelso. Uh, Kelso owes Jackie the price for breaking her beautiful heart and stealing her innocence. Now, Kelso, what do you believe Jackie owes you?
Michael: Well... uh... w... One time I told her that she looked pretty when really she looked pretty skanky.
[angrily, Jackie slaps Kelso on his bare chest]
Michael: And... and... Hyde, help me out here.
Steven: Okay. Let me think. Oh! Don't forget he burned your house.
Michael: Hyde!
Steven: Dude, you burned her house.
- Oh, no, she quit her job. She's not up to anything. It's kind of boring.
- So, did you meet Dick Trickle?
- Eric!
- What? He's a race car driver.
- His name is Dick Trickle.
- Oh, my God, listen to my voice!
- I'm so loud!
- So Phillies was fun?
- Yes, indeedy.
- Very dependable.
- As always.
Kitty: It's the Russians.
Michael: I know what you're thinking, punk: "Is that gun real or fake?"
Eric: Well, the gun is green... But it's also plastic, so it's anyone's guess.
- Did I win? Did I win?
- Not even close.
- Oh. Well, I don't care.
- I don't work, so money doesn't really mean anything to me.
- Oh, how nice for you. Ha ha.
- Uh...
- You could, uh...
- Uh, y-you could close your mouth if you... if you wanted.
- What the hell,
- Michael?
- This is ice cream.
- Stupid ice cream?
- No, it's stupid ice cream of love.
Kitty: Well, I don't quite believe you, but, okay.
Reginald: [to the gang] Ah, good, all the half-wits are here.
- Thanks again, Leo.
- Yes, thank you.
- You know what would make this outfit perfect?
- A cockatoo.
- Then we'll get a cockatoo, or three.
- on a high school romance.
- That's right.
- Donna gums up the works.
- Whoa. It's not her fault, okay?
- I was prepared for that test.
- I had three sharp pencils.
- That's one more than recommended, by the way.
- I remember sitting there, filling out the little bubbles...
Reginald: Steven, just to get it straight, I told Kitty she should mind her own business and she told me to get my own dinner. So, here we are!
Michael: Alright, look. Jackie, here's the deal. You cheated on me.
Jackie: You used to cheat on me all the time.
Michael: Yeah? Well, yeah. But you cheated out of hate, and I cheated out of joy.
Donna: [Thought Kelso means Eric cheated on her] Did Eric cheat on me? I will snap that little monkey like a twig!
Eric: I can't BELIEVE Donna would publish this in the school newspaper!
Fez: I know; this could be in Readers Digest - it's THAT good!
Michael: Oh, my God! Am I talking in rhyme? I wish I could do that all the time! Oh! I did it again!
Donna: But, Mrs. Forman, what about that time you lied to Pastor Dave? You told him the dog ate your bake sale cookies, but you baked them because you were too busy sipping Kahlua...
Kitty: I did not lie to Pastor Dave in church, I lied to him in the market, and in the market, he's just another man! And for your information, Donna, Kahlua is barely a drink - it's like root beer!
- I mean if Forman was actually dating the... the "Naughty Campus Coeds"... he'd be locked in a bathroom looking at naked pictures of you.
- He's right, so...
- Are there naked pictures of you?
- My leg!
- Hey, knee him in the groin!
- Oh!
- Oh, my, God!
- She did it!
- She called me an orphan.
- Hey, he's not an orphan.
- His mom just abandoned him.
- Shut up, forman!
- Okay, that's it.
- Everybody hide in the basement. Go!
- Morning.
- I have spent years picking every item in this room so that I would be surrounded by the things I love and the people
- I thought loved me.
- Hey, Kitty, how about a nap?
- And you. Have you fixed the damn clicker yet?
- What good is a clicker if it won't click?
Fez: Opportunity does not knock, then knock again, then leave a note saying "sorry I missed you".
Fez: Mister Red, always remember: a mother's goodness is carried on forever by her sons.
[Marty starts to cry]
Reginald: Have you met my sister, Marty?
Eric: Well... Did you see that? I told you the truth and we got into a fight. My Dad told my Mom she's pleasant, a *whopper* of a lie, and they've been married, like, 150 years!
Donna: I don't care. I want you to tell me the truth all the time.
Eric: No. No, you don't. It's like when women ask whether or not their outfit makes them look fat. How many men tell them they look fat? Zero. How many women look fat? *Not* zero.
- ♪ We did last week
- ♪ Not a thing to do
- ♪ But talk to you
- ♪ We're all all right
- ♪ We're all all right ♪
- Hello, Wisconsin!
- I'm sorry.
- Oh, well. I gave it a shot.
- But you're making a big mistake, because I am the best thing that is ever going to happen to you!
- Really? Still nothing?
- So, friends then? All right.
[Hyde and Kelso decide to drive to see Fez]
Michael: Fine, Shotgun!
Steven: There's only two of us, you moron!
- The only reason he was friends with you is so he could do it with you.
- Really?
- So he made friends with me when I was five so he could do it with me when I was 17?
- Well, that and your sweet big wheel.
[Jackie receives a paycheck - the first salary she has ever earned in her life]
Jackie: [excited] Oh my gosh! It's a check!
[Jackie points to the corner of the check]
Jackie: And that's my name! Mine!
Michael: So... we can stay together!
Jackie: Yeah, and I can still be rich!
Michael: Yeah!
Donna: Well, if this isn't gonna go badly, I'm heading home.
[Donna turns to leave]
Michael: No, wait. Jackie deserves a celebration. Hey, let's go buy me that remote control car!
Jackie: [firmly] No, Michael. Money doesn't grow on trees.
[Jackie pauses, realizing what she has just said]
Jackie: Money *doesn't* grow on trees. You know, I think having a job is changing me. Okay, think about it: a whole new me.
Michael: That'll be great!
- to Barbara Walters, so, uh...
- Roy, you're going after the wrong ones, man.
- You gotta think like a lion and pick off the weakest member of the herd.
- Look, like that one, with the braces and the desperate eyes.
- Oh, she's not making it past sundown.
Michael: You want to see Fez and Eric run around? Someone might get hurt. It's funny when people get hurt.
Steven: Especially when they're in their underwear.
Jackie: Michael, the only one dumb enough to get hurt around here is you.
Michael: Okay, Jackie, I'm really starting to get sick-
[cuts his finger on soda can]
Michael: OWW!
- And thank you for being honest.
- That took a lot of courage, didn't it, Bob?
- I'm goin' to bed.
- How was it?
- Oh, god!
Jackie: So, hey. Maybe a good way to break the ice would be for everyone to tell a few things about themselves. I'll go first. I like make-up and diets, and Steven, here, likes black things and throwing stuff at glass.
Brooke: Okay. Well, I was valedictorian in my class, I run marathons, and I tutor kids in Latin.
Michael: Well, I egged the valedictorian of my class. And a marathon runner. Oh, and some kids that took Latin!
Steven: This is fun.
- But telling me that was.
- Damn.
- You're right.
- So you'll take me back?
- Yeah, Michael.
- I love you, Jackie Burkhart.
- I love you too, Michael Kelso.
- There's a place next to the liquor store.
- I could go get one right now.
- No way, man.
- We're not gonna let you go to some sleazy tattoo parlor... and spend money for something you'll regret for the rest of your life.
- I'll tattoo you for free, man.
- I'm pretty sure
- I used to do this for a living.
- Anyway, since I know I can trust you, I'm gonna let you drive it.
- I finally get to drive it?
- Wow!
- Okay.
- Where does the key go?
- Start her up.
- Okay.
- Fine, stay home, then.
- I will!
- Hey, stop it. Would you please put aside your differences and go camping with me?
- We only have a few hours left together.
- Fine. I'll go for you.
- Good.
- Now, I am off to spend the rest of my
- American money on candy and porno.
- But, Fez...
- I said candy and porno!
Red: [to Donna] It must be nice to have a boyfriend who can swing the mallet and get it past that mark that says, "No, seriously - hit it!"
- Well, I have a date too.
- Who is it? What's his name?
- His name is... not important.
- What's important is he's better than you in every conceivable way.
- Damn, Jackie, that could be anybody!
Reginald: Kitty, for the last time, I am *not* attracted to Pam!
Michael: I just realized Jackie's short, and I don't like short people.
- How can Eric and Red be fighting already?
- Well, it's almost as if forcing them together against their will, and giving them sharp objects, wasn't really the best way to get them to make up.
- Another hard cider, Bob.
- Make it a double.
- I mean, she called me a dink, but...
- I don't think she meant it.
- Eric was such a dink tonight.
- And I mean it.
- Totally.
- Totally.
Eric: [to a vacuum they think has a bug in it] You're looking for Michael Kelso.
Michael: Quit it!
Eric: No! This whole thing is your fault!
Michael: If it's anyone's fault, it's Hyde's, because he got dumped by Jackie, so we had to be nice to him!
Fez: Go easy on the kid! Breaking up with Jackie was the biggest mistake he ever made. Remember? We were talking about it behind his back!
Steven: Shut up, Fez! If I want to hear your advice, I'll kick you in the 'nads!
Fez: Oh. In that case, my advice is: "please don't kick me in the 'nads".
Eric: [in a loud voice] Maybe the Feds have some advice. Remember, they're listening with the
[whispers]
Eric: V-A-C-U-U-M!
Steven: [They look puzzled for a little bit] It spells "vacuum".
Michael: "Vacuum" has two U's in it? That's messed up!
- Please, miss kitty, let me stay.
- Mom, come on.
- Okay, you win.
- Oh, thank you.
- That was a sexy hug.
- You really put some boom-boom into it, huh?
Michael: [peeking into the girls bathroom] This is your CPR instructor! I'm gonna need to check your lung capacities!
[to Red, who he thinks is Eric, Fez and Hyde]
Michael: That means their boobs.
- Third, you make me sick, and any one of these guys... would be a better partner than you, even Fez.
- Really? Then I am in.
- Um, no, I didn't really mean it, Fez.
- Oh, then I am out.
- Damn it. Let me in.
Eric: Hey, Dad, it's my life, okay? I'm grown up now.
Reginald: [sarcastically] Grown up? Well, you sure say that a lot, so it must be true. Let me try it: "Hey, everybody, I'm Mr. Rogers!" But, wait! I'm not wearing a sweater! And I'm about to kick your ass!
- with, like, a million bottles of tiny liquor.
- And tiny cookies.
- Oh, yeah? Well, in there... tiny shampoo and tiny soap.
- Donna, I think elves work here.
- I feel so classy.
- I'm stealing all of it.
Eric: Hey, L'Eggo my Eggo.
Reginald: Hey, L'Eggo my foot in your ass.
- Go.
- It's mine!
- I got here first, the room is mine.
- Gross! Old people sex!
- Red, you said you locked the door.
- Sorry, dudes.
Red: Without rules, we all might as well be up in a tree flinging our crap at each other.
- I need bacon.
- Okay, the reason I'd lie about something like that is...
- What happened? You piss
- Donna off, and she locked you out?
- Donna? No.
- Oh.
- Well, you pissed me off, so I'm locking you out.
- Did you find...
- Don't stop loving me!
Jackie: [angrily] Michael, Steven just told me that instead of buying me a dress, you spent my 50 dollars on this stupid machine!
[Kelso looks accusingly at Hyde]
Steven: [to Jackie] Jackie, I did not.
[Hyde looks at Kelso, smiling]
Steven: [chuckles] Oh, yeah... I did.
Michael: Jackie, listen. There's an old saying: "You buy a girl a dress, and she looks pretty for one night. But you buy her boyfriend a pinball machine, and she looks pretty for life".
Jackie: Okay. Here's another old saying, Michael: "You're dumb as dirt".
Eric: That's true. That was in the yearbook.
Michael: Okay! Okay! All right. Listen, listen. So, I bought a half stake in this machine, all right? So, that means for every quarter I put into it, I get half back. That's a 50% profit!
Fez: Uh, actually, Kelso, I think that's a 50% loss.
Michael: Fez, I know it's hard for a foreigner to understand our complicated capitalist system. But we're dealing with quarters here, not frogs or chickens.
Fez: Well, I'm not going to dignify that with a response... because I can't think of one. But, when I do, a good day to you!
- Here you go. That'll be 21.50.
- It's a little pricey for cough medicine.
- "Pinciotti... Donna...
- Ortho-novum."
- Ortho what?
- Ortho-novum.
- Birth control pills.
Reginald: [to Kitty] Why'd you make so many sandwiches? Bulking up for the winter?
Hyde: Forman's first suspension. I'm so proud.
Michael: Whoa, back up. Why'd he get suspended?
Donna: Because he's stupid.
Michael: [terrified] They can do that?
- I'm teaching a baby-care class at the hospital.
- If you brought Brooke, I think she'd be very impressed.
- All right. Yeah, sign us up.
- You know, there was a time that all I had to do to impress a girl was turn my eyelids inside out.
- This baby's changing everything. Oh!
- Yeah, come on.
- Fine. You want to hear the big news?
- The doctor told me
- I started menopause.
- Kitty, language!
- You're not pregnant?
- No, no, just barren.
- Talk about that.
- Ow!
- Uh-oh. That did not sound good.
- Eric, I can't move my neck.
- Fix it.
- Okay, I'm sure the booklet says something about...
- Oh, here it is.
- Um, okay, I'm gonna need you to sign a release of liability.
Donna: Jackie, if there were ever a game show called "Make That Girl Cry", I'd go on with you.
Steven: Oh, we would SO win that car!
Reginald: Before we hit the road, we need to talk about the horrible thing that has taken over your mother.
Eric: Oh, you mean her "change of life"?
Steven: I thought we were calling it "the lady parts problem".
Reginald: It goes by many names, it's a tricky enemy. I haven't been this frosty since Korea, and like a Commie, it can jump out at any moment and attack.
Kitty: [off-screen] Red, honey?
Steven: Take cover!
Eric: Retreat!
- And I'll just curl up in the fetal position and think about pancakes.
- Got it.
- Got it.
- Oh, my God.
- We're in the girls' locker room.
- Yeah. They're girls.
- Phew! And I thought we were going to get beaten up for sure.
- Hey, baby.
- Not bad, huh?
- Single, too.
- Dad, I'm not...
- What? Is it the braces?
- Well, you know what helps a fellow get over a gal?
- Pimiento loaf.
- Fine.
- Yeah, but a job?
- Can't you just, like, buy me a stereo?
- You're the boss' son. You really don't have to work that hard.
- All right.
- I'll give it a week.
- But what am I supposed to do with all those sales reports?
- Just give them to Dennis.
- That's what I do.
- Why oh why didn't I discipline you?
- Shut up and eat your cornflakes.
- That's what.
- Never surrender, Kitty.
- Never retreat. We're winning.
- The fact that Eric was desperate enough to climb out his window... shows that everything is working.
- Sure. But I only have enough money for, like, two tickets.
- No problem.
- I know this thing we can do.
- First, you take two tickets and go inside, and then we wait outside and sneak through the fence.
- Sounds foolproof.
- We are gonna burn Fez so bad.
- Freeze, you're under arrest!
- Freeze. You're under arrest!
- All right, that's the one.
- This is Officer Michael
- Kelso. And I'm not wearing any pants!
- Am I supposed to be driving all over the road?
- 'Cause I'm loaded.
- My car's gone!
- Somebody call the police!
- Put it down. I'll get my sewing box.
- Mom, thank you.
- Not on the shoe polish!
- What have you done, you bony bastards?
- Okay, okay. I think I can clean it, but we have to act fast.
- Okay, go, go, go, go.
- Please tell me that sound was a rip in the space-time continuum.
- J' Allison j' j' I know this world is killing you j' j' oh, oh, Allison... j' where's your bag?
- You're not going.
- But I'd like to mount another protest if you have the time.
- You can't be afraid to be tough.
- Oh, I'm tough.
- I'm very, very tough.
- People always say what a bitch I am.
- Well, for your sake,
- I hope they're right.
- Now, please. Get this crazy lady off my set.
- Coming up next, a potato chip that looks like Henry Kissinger.
Michael: Your ass is mine, cheese puff!
Todd: How did you know my nickname?
- Yeah. Now instead of feeling scared and anxious...
- I feel relaxed and... relaxed.
- I know we're probably gonna get beaten... but it was worth it because we've shown... we have tremendous school spirit.
- No, no. This is not the way friends act.
- He was gonna throw away your present, Bob.
- Come on, Kitty.
- I gave him shoes.
- That's weird.
- I'm surprised you didn't punch me in the face right then.
- I almost did.
- I don't wear any pants.
- You know, there are some things about Earth
- I really miss.
- Okay, welcome to your
- 10-year high school reunion.
- All right!
- I finally grew a moustache.
- Actually, it's chocolate cake.
- No, it's gone.
- Did you move it?
- I didn't touch it.
- Oh! Eric was here earlier.
- Maybe he did something with it.
- Why are you always blaming
- Eric for everything?
- Oh, well, somebody has to or he'll just go through life thinking there's nothing wrong with him.
- "not spreading it around the school" thing.
- See, your lady friend here understands.
- Truce?
- Well...
- I guess.
- Truce. Good. Here.
- Peace offering. Moron!
Jackie: Michael, why did you do this?
Michael: Because I thought that if a party with ten people was fun, then a party with thirty people would be twice as fun!
- Something, something right shoe
- So, see, it was just a big misunderstanding.
- Thank God we got that cleared up.
- We're just gonna grab our beer and head on out of here.
- Yeah. But you're not gettin' your beer back.
- Now... leave Canada, please.
Fez: Can we please talk about how hungry and horny I am? I wish I had a lady made of pizza. Or a pizza made of boobs!
- Fellas, these dice like me.
- Whoa! Oh, yeah!
- B-I-N-G-O!
- And that spells losers. Losers.
- Damn it!
- Never marry your high school sweetheart.
Michael: I miss Eric.
Jackie: Well, you still have me.
Michael: It's not the same, Jackie. I can talk to Eric about things that I can't talk about with you.
Jackie: Okay, well like what?
Michael: Well, for instance, the annoying things you do.
Jackie: Michael.
Michael: See, I can't talk to you.
Reginald: You told her about the marriage? We agreed never to speak of this evil to anyone!
Kitty: Well, I had to tell a few people because I never thought I'd be able to say "Laurie got married" without adding "and the baby came early".
- You're threatened because
- I got a better score than you.
- I just... I have to do better than you.
- Why?
- Because I'm the man, and the man's the man, and that's just the way it is.
- What did you say?
- I'm grounded.
- Dad, Donna's up here!
- Oh.
- Wow. I guess all this stuff has to go back.
- Oh, that means you, too,
- Feathery Frank.
- Good day.
- But, Fez...
- I said, good day.
- I'm leaving Brooklyn, Mr. Formanelli.
- ♪ We did last week
- ♪ Not a thing to do
- ♪ But talk to you
- ♪ We're all all right
- ♪ We're all all right ♪
- Hello, Wisconsin!
Michael: We might not be the perfect match, but I really, really like you. And I think maybe us having this baby together is, like, fate.
Brooke: Michael, fate is when two people meet on a train, or in Paris. Not in the bathroom at a Molly Hatchet concert.
[she walks away]
Michael: Fate! Man, never use a word in a fight if you don't really, really know what it means.
- Yeah, it's fantastic.
- Wonderful. Wonderful.
- This was fun.
- We haven't just hung out in, like, forever.
- Plus, you're, like, my hero.
- Most guys would not risk a tornado for an ex-girlfriend.
- Yeah.
- You get your own smock.
- I'm not a cashier, Ted.
- I'm management.
- Okay. Then we'll let you know.
- So, uh, red, Ted. That's pretty funny, though.
- On second thought, it's not that funny.
- And if you need anything from me, you know where I'll be.
- Thanks, Fez.
[Hyde, Jackie, and Fez are playing Monopoly]
Jackie: This game is just like real life! I am the richest of all!
Ted: Visitors Week is great! There's a dorm party, tons of beer, tons of chicks...
Steven: Hey, man. All I need is one beer and two chicks.
- You're obviously still in love with Jackie.
- I'm going back to California.
- Baby, no!
- I'll prove that I'm over her.
- I'll bet you 50 bucks that if we do it, I'll be into it.
- Good-bye, Michael.
- Wait, but you win either way!
Steven: [at the kitchen table, Hyde and Laurie begin a put-down competition] Boy, Laurie, you really liked that hot dog! You didn't even chew it!
Laurie: Oh, hey, Hyde. Fathers' Day is coming up. Shouldn't you practice saying, "Hi, are you my Daddy?'"
Steven: Oh, by the way, Laurie. The Surgeon General called. He wanted you to stop hoarding all the penicillin.
Laurie: Y'know, when you're in prison, your bad table manners will probably just be a turn-on for some guy named "Tank".
Steven: Oh. Well, maybe when you're there for a conjugal visit, you can ask him to take it easy on me.
Laurie: Oh, yeah? Well... nice hair!
Steven: [patronizing] Oh, Laurie. Are you all out of put-downs?
Laurie: [a bit desperate] Yeah. I guess I'm having an off day.
- "and we're making up for lost time and..." Actually that's kind of touching.
- Come on, Hyde, don't you ever want to find out if 500 people can fit in that pool?
- No! All right? I'm not letting you guys talk me into having a party.
- I'm not doing something that stupid.
- Look, everybody!
- I'm dancing like a chicken!
- ♪ We did last week
- ♪ Not a thing to do
- ♪ But talk to you
- ♪ We're all all right
- ♪ We're all all right
- ♪ Hello, Wisconsin! ♪
[to Red]
Jackie: I'm really sorry your Mom died. It's like... sad and stuff.
- Oh, a map of Wisconsin.
- Oh, well, thank you.
- And, Mom, I got you these balloons too.
- "Knock out the knock-knocks at Schiffy's Gas-N-Go."
- Huh.
- Wait, Kitty, there's more!
Michael: Okay, Brooke, here's the thing: We should date.
Brooke: Michael, I'm pregnant with your child. Pretty much the best and worst things about dating have already happened to us.
- You flooded the apartment!
- What?
- Oh, I must have fallen asleep with the tub running.
- Oh, I bet all the hot water's gone.
- It soaked into the carpet and into the floor.
- Well, who lives downstairs?
- Oh!
- He's crazy, man. He's crazy.
- He's at the ramp.
- and how he's managed to keep them clothed and fed while being cut back to half-time at the plant is beyond me.
- But he doesn't blame the president for his misfortune.
- No, sir. He only blames himself.
- I give you red forman.
- Aha!
- So the battle of wits has begun!
- What battle of wits?
- I admit it.
- I'm messing around with Jackie.
- I hate you!
- Ow! My eye!
Bob: Red! Red, I'm so sorry! It was an accident!
Reginald: I never thought I'd say this: I'm glad you're my friend.
[Red hugs Bob]
Bob: Red, I never thought I'd say this: you smell nice!
- You are forgetting the whale songs.
- Listen, man, I've only been to the ocean once, and the closest thing
- I saw to a whale was some fat guy selling drugs.
- Fine. Lick number two...
- Still no gum?
Kitty: Okay, who's ready for Spidey and a sandwich?
- Well, that... that's okay. That's good,
- 'cause I haven't been talking about her either.
- Of course, I've been alone, so I'd just be talking to myself.
- And that's not normal.
- Have to be pretty crazy to talk to myself, wouldn't I?
- Yes. Yes, I would.
- Okay, I gotta get some pants.
Nina: According to your resume, you were dancer #3 in the school production of "My Fair Lady".
Fez: Yes. It was magical. I could've danced all night.
Nina: I don't think your theater experience applies here.
Fez: Well, Nina, what is the DMV, really, if not one big stage?
Nina: The DMV is the Department of Motor Vehicles.
Fez: Yes, but they're very similar.
Nina: No, they're not.
Fez: Yes, they are.
Nina: No, they're not!
Fez: Yes, they are.
Nina: No, they're *not*!
Fez: Okay... They are.
Nina: No! They're *not*! I'm going to put down "no prior experience".
Fez: You didn't ask about my special skills.
Nina: I don't see how a fondness for pie is relevant.
Fez: But, Nina, what is the DMV, really, if not one big pie shop?
Reginald: Look, Kitty, I framed one of the fliers from my Grand Opening; that way, if the shop's a success, I'll have a souvenir, and if not, I'll have something to glare at while I'm drinking.
- and may I suggest an evening out with Michael Kelso.
- Dinner, drinks and a ride home not included.
- I never did have a Thanksgiving dinner.
- I can buy you a taco.
- Oh, and then we can celebrate, like the original Thanksgiving, with the pilgrims and the Mexicans.
Michael: I can't believe I'm the stooge.
Jackie: Michael, it's just the way some people are, okay? Some people are lazy, some people are clumsy, some people are stooges.
Steven: You're lucky enough to be all three.
- those knee-high socks every day.
- What the hell?
- Oh, my God.
- I'm blind!
- Jackie!
- Get off me!
- Great outfit!
Jackie: Besides, college sucks! It's all those smart people, and none of them are as pretty as me.
Michael: That's true, half the people in this room should be in magazines! But only half, and the other half, you know who you are.
- If you don't tell Donna how you feel, then you will regret it.
- I'm going to the vineyard.
- Good for you!
- Oh, don't tell Eric what I said, because I really like his basement.
- Actually, no.
- I mean, if we were still dating, I'd be super pissed.
- But we're not, so it's kind of funny.
- You know what?
- Let me buy you a burger.
- I can't believe you totally snaked a kiss under false pretenses.
- Yeah, I'm a little proud of that, yeah.
[Final lines of the series]
Eric: Hey, guys! Last one upstairs has to call Red a dumbass!
[the gang rushes upstairs. Hyde grabs Kelso, making Kelso the last]
Michael: Oh, man...
[Kelso puts on the "Stupid Helmet" and goes upstairs. Meanwhile, everyone counts down, loudly, from 10 to 1. After the end credits, the license plate tag changes from '79 to '80]
Eric: So, I told my girlfriend we could go to different schools. Everyone does that, right?
Lisa: My boyfriend and I have been going to different schools for three years, and now, we love each other more than ever.
Eric: And I bet when you get together, it's like a thunderstorm!
Ted: [to Lisa] Hey, pretty lady!
[Lisa kisses Ted]
Eric: Excuse me, hello? Didn't you just say you have a boyfriend?
Lisa: Yeah, but he's not here.
Eric: [to Hyde] I told Donna we could go to different schools. If Donna doesn't hate Marquette, we're screwed!
Steven: Who cares, man? I just turned down a half-drunk college chick! I'm pretty sure she could do stuff!
Jackie: I don't get it - who's the Low Rider?
Donna: It's me!
Jackie: I think he's calling you a whore!
Michael: That's Fez. He's a foreign exchange student.
Jackie: Who did we exchange for him?
[to Bob and Midge]
Reginald: So, you two are going to save your marriage by dating strangers. Great.
Midge: When you say it like that, Red, it sounds stupid.
Reginald: Okay, Midge, say it so it doesn't sound stupid.
- My ignorance of American youth culture finally paid off.
- Hey, Donna, did you get to meet the Nuge?
- Yeah, it was awesome.
- I was right there with Ted Nugent.
- The Nuge!
- So, can we go now?
- Excuse me!
- You're ruining the magic!
- Go slutty.
- You know what, Eric?
- You're right.
- Let's have sex right now.
- Really? No.
- Stop doing that!
- And you, you are gonna fix this.
- Fix... fix it?
- Jackie, you're having the party of the year here!
- Aaggh! Oww!
- Damn! I do not get women!
- Yes, neither does Hyde, right, Hyde?
- Man, what fun is it being a girlfriend... if you don't even have your own boobs to play with?
- So what, Kelso?
- So you're her girlfriend.
- What could possibly be so bad about that?
- I-I'll tell you what could be so bad.
- Oh, Michael, this is the happiest day of my life.
- No, I am not touching that hand.
- You have been burping in that hand all day.
- Come on, you've touched grosser things than this.
- You went out with
- Kelso for four years.
- Oh.
- Okay, you know what,
- I'll just get myself across.
- Well, next fall, you'll get your wish.
- Eric will be in college, and then the whole house will be empty.
- That's right.
- We're only one goodbye away from heaven.
- Mommy, Daddy, I'm home!
- We gotta start locking that door.
- Yeah.
- Do you remember what it turned out to be?
- Just a regular snowman.
- Guys, come on. Let's go out to the field.
- It could come back.
- You think I got nothing better to do than stand in a field freezing my 'nads off?
- Hey, who wants to help me connect the dots?
- Sorry, 'nads. Let's go.
Reginald: Eric, what have I told you about calling your sister the devil?
Eric: That it's offensive to the devil?
Steven: [explaining why he doesn't go to church] While I respect the Judæo-Christian ethic, as well as the Eastern philosophies and, of course, the teachings of Muhammad, I find that organized religion has corrupted those beliefs to justify countless atrocities throughout history. If I were to attend church, I'd be a hypocrite.
- I spilled my soda... Hyde.
- I don't know what to say, man.
- What about, "Ow"?
- Why would I say, "Ow"?
- Ow!
- I get it!
- Surprise.
- It's just you?
- Donna, this is the best surprise ever.
- So, the Vista Cruiser, huh?
- You know, this is where we had our first kiss.
- I know. I remember.
- I guess we'll just sleep.
- Well, couldn't we just, um, you know, I mean, really, what are the chances?
- We could have a change-of-life baby.
- Oh, crap.
- I'll be right back.
- Um, is... Is he... Does he...
- Oh, my God. You like Fez?
- Oh, my God. Come on. I'll introduce you to him.
- Oh, no, no, no.
- That's okay. I just... wanted to...
- I gotta go... use the baño.
- Stupid, stupid, stupid!
- I'm your little bird, Dad.
- Give me wings to fly.
- Butch it up and get in the car.
- Excuse me.
- This is your CPR coach.
- I'm gonna need to check your lung capacities.
- That means their boobs.
- I don't even have to lie.
- Because I'm a pervert.
- Fez, I'm gonna kick your ass.
- Eric!
- Oh, my God.
- What happened to my dress?
- Donna, I can explain.
- I destroyed it.
- Good Lord!
- Steven, you could have fixed that!
- Well, I'm off to work. So if you need me, I'll be at the Hub.
Kitty: Steven has another father he doesn't even know about! Mayba a NICE father, maybe a SOBER father... well, maybe not ENTIRELY sober, because we know how THOSE people are!
[Shudders]
- No. I didn't mind.
- Hey, a road trip sounds good, man. But I don't want nothin' to do with that beer.
- That stuff will mess with your mind, man.
- Okay. Let's get goin'.
- Oh, don't tell me
- Crap Shoes is comin'.
- The bag was on fire!
- Winning.
- I can't believe you came here for me.
- Of course I did.
- Donna, I love you.
- And I have so much to say, but I...
- You guys can French all you want. I totally won.
Fez: What you didn't read was how much I'd apply myself to the job here.
Nina: I'm going to have to ask you to stop making puns, now.
Nina: I don't think it's going to work out.
[shakes Fez's hand]
Nina: That is a gorgeous man-ring! You know, wearing something like this shows a lot of confidence.
Fez: Well, I *do* feel like a king when I wear it, and what is the DMV, really, if not one big kingdom?
Kitty: [Kitty has just given raisins to trick-or-treaters] Raisins are nature's candy.
Reginald: [the Forman house is pelted with eggs] And eggs are nature's hand grenades.
Michael: Hey, Sam, let me ask you a question about being a stripper: Can I see your boobs?
- Yes, I did.
- No, you didn't.
- Yes, I did.
- And you would have heard it, too, if it hadn't been for all that damn tea.
- You know, I fought a war to keep that crap out of this country and you had to bring it into my house and you call yourself an American. Ha!
Dr. Ashley: All right, let's start Mr Harris on a full course of penicillin.
Kitty: Oh, um, Doctor, you might want to consider erythromycin.
Dr. Ashley: [patronizing] And why would I want to do that, Nurse?
Kitty: Well, it's just that, uh, Mr Harris is allergic to penicillin, and I thought erythromycin might make him a touch less dead.
Donna: [to Jackie] Why am I going to a school I don't even like? I should've gone to UW with Eric and I should've laughed at his thunderstorm jokes. I bet those sluts at UW will laugh at his jokes. Sluts!
[Repeated Line]
Michael: BURN!
Donna: [Donna and Jackie find Kelso in his brother Casey's bed, but Kelso doesn't remember, thinking it was a dream] What were you doing in Casey's bed, anyway?
Michael: Oh, uh, when he's out of town, I like to skank it up by skippin' a couple of showers and sleepin' in it naked.
- Well, I was hopping down the old bunny trail...
- And this guy offered me $200 for the vista cruiser.
- So I sold it to him.
- You sold Eric's car?
- Oh, no.
Eric: Hyde, you sure know a lot about women. But, I mean, you've never really had a steady girlfriend. So, what's that all about?
Steven: I'll tell you what that's all about, Forman. My mind is pure, man. I don't fall victim to the female race. I'm here, sans girlfriend, to help you guys out.
Fez: Then I have a question, Hyde. How much masturbation is too much?
Steven: No such thing as too much, Fez.
- Well, come on, Kitty.
- This isn't food.
- This is what food eats.
- Well, but it's good for you.
- Well, if it's so good, how come
- I'm the only one that has to eat it?
- Good point.
- Hey, he's the food sneaker!
Reginald: [on Fez getting hurt] So, you were chasing him on the roof because he took your little rubber ball?
Eric: No, it wasn't a ball. It was a Super Ball.
Steven: Yeah, you should see that thing bounce! It's pretty super.
Reginald: [annoyed] Dumbasses.
- You two have to stop seeing each other right now.
- You can't tell me what to do, you're not my mother.
- You know what? Fine!
- Then you just... You do whatever the hell you want!
- Marsha!
- It's me, Bob Pinciotti.
- I asked you out last month. I thought you were moving to Costa Rica.
- That sneaky little wench.
- No, no. And corn dogs.
- Oh, dogs wrapped in corn.
- Oh, sweetmeat on a stick.
- Just go.
- Thank you.
- I pulled you over because your left brake light is out.
- I'm gonna have to write you up a warning.
- Close one, man.
- I thought for sure he was gonna ask what's in the bag.
- I'm still right here.
- Uh-oh.
Jackie: I can't believe you, Michael!
Michael: What?
Jackie: You can't just maul me in front of my father!
Michael: I bet he didn't even notice.
Jackie: He yelled at you to stop it!
Michael: I thought he was yelling at you.
- My friend Fez has some wonderful news.
- Knock, knock.
- Who's there?
- I did it!
- All right, Fez!
- Now, now, wait, wait! I wanna hear this. "I did it" who?
[about Kitty's menopause]
Red: Jesus Christ. What can I do about it? She's insane.
Bob: You know, you should get her a banjo.
Red: What?
Bob: You can't hold a banjo and not smile!
Red: Bob, you can't hold a potato chip and not smile.
Bob: [smiles]
Donna: Kelso, I'm gonna miss you trying to grab my boob... it makes me feel pretty. God, I'm sad.
Fez: I am so excited about Star Whores.
Steven: Fezzy, man... Star Wars.
Fez: Screw that.
- Not yet, but I know you will.
- Thanks, sweetie.
- Ahh...
- Tell you one thing...
- I bet I get a job before Jeff gets out of that coma.
- believe in god, too, Hyde.
- Why does the key chain say "I love bingo"?
- Sully must love bingo.
- All right.
- I'm starting to think that maybe this isn't Sully's car.
- Then whose car is it?
- Mrs. Forman, start taping! Eric loves it when he screams at her!
- Steven, I never even slept with Michael.
- Yeah, right. Because Kelso is always showing up at my hotel room naked with a bucket of ice.
- You know, this is your fault, too.
- Okay, you two, just stop yelling!
- I did everything I could to stop you from getting married, but you stuck to your guns.
- And I admire that you're willing to go out on your own.
- You're a man now, and you have my blessing.
- This is like The Godfather.
- I think you have to kiss his ring.
- We just talked to Mrs. Forman and we learnt a couple of things.
- First of all, you get a few margaritas in her and she's a fairly decent tap dancer.
- And also, she is really upset about what you said.
- Yeah, Fez, she thinks of you like a son.
- I mean, you know, think about it.
Karate: You don't understand, Jackie. I am a stranger who wants to hurt you!
[gets in a fighting stance]
Jackie: I'm not buying it.
Donna: [to Jackie] Okay, maybe it's not a stranger. Maybe it's someone who's already hurt you. Like Hyde.
Jackie: Watch it, Donna!
Donna: You, with a glimpse of hope, asked him if you had a future and he said, "I don't know".
[to the other students]
Donna: *I don't know*! Like Jackie Burkhart wasn't special enough! *I* thought Jackie Burkhart was special, but apparently you're no better than me!
Jackie: All men are bastards!
[She pushes the karate instructor behind the screen and knees and punches him and elbows the back of his neck]
Jackie: I'm better than *everyone*! And it's *Jackie*, not "Jackie-San"! Just *Jackie*, Dork-San!
[She kicks him in the gonads]
- Okay, enough.
- Jackie, college is a waste of time, and I'm not going, okay?
- So just butt the hell out.
- No. No, Steven,
- I won't butt out because you need to be pushed, and we need to think about our future.
- Look. Even if we have a future, it's not gonna be what you wanted.
- It's gonna be more like...
- Wait, are you saying he's tricking me?
- Foreigners always lie.
- That's how the Indians tricked us into buying New Mexico.
- You boys are gonna need a plumber.
- I tried to flush your pillow down the toilet, it just wouldn't go.
- Ooh! Matches.
- Well, that's a cold slap in the groin.
- How am I supposed to afford my new boots?
- Here. Just do what I do, man.
- Just get some money out of the register when the boss isn't looking.
- Once again, Leo, you are the boss.
- And I'm not looking.
- Well, that couldn't have worked out any better.
- Well, Goldie, if my internal clock is correct, we've been here either an hour, or a month.
- Man, I'm terribly thirsty.
- Hope you don't mind, I'm going to drink a little bit of your water.
Kitty: Honey, I put some sandwiches in your duffel bag. Now, um, why do you need such a big bag of oregano?
Eric: Uh, Donna's Italian.
- All right!
- Okay, Red, don't you think it's time your little friend went home?
- Kitty, I'm just being sociable, like you asked.
- Just being a good host.
- Oh, sure.
- All good hosts feed their guests Band-Aids.
- Band-Aid, Kitty. Don't exaggerate.
- Yeah.
- Hi. What are you doing?
- Studying.
- I'd love to hang out, but
- I've really gotta buckle down.
- All right.
- Can I raid the fridge?
- My dad wrote "Save for Bob" on all the food at our house.
- but I just can't.
- You can with me.
- Hey.
- Oh, hello.
- So, how was your day?
- What did you and your new friend do?
- Well...
Donna: Where's Buddy?
Eric: Oh, Buddy. Um, well, Buddy got... busy, so...
Jackie: Yeah, I mean, I'm sure he has lots to do. He *is* popular.
Fez: Yeah. And so obviously gay!
[Eric squirms]
- ♪ We're all all right
- ♪ We're all all right ♪
- Hello, Wisconsin!
- Come on, Forman.
- Get out of bed.
- Yes, we have to go to Funland before all the fun is gone.
- I'm not going.
- No, mom!
- Eric, mom made it for you.
- The least you could do is drink a lot of it.
- Now, you two, you are just the best
- Christmas present a mother could have.
- Oh, oh, oh, oh.
- but I think we're crossing over into weird.
- No, no, trust me,
- Michael. We're not.
- With cheekbones like that?
- Blush is your best friend.
- Yeah, I do have bitchin' cheekbones.
- Okay, let's blush.
- I don't.
- I guess that makes me a bad person.
- Look, Bob, I didn't mean to make...
- No. No. You know what?
- You're right, red.
- You're right.
- Maybe it's time I stop living the lie.
Eric: Red won't let me get a job. He says if I don't study hard and get into college, once I turn 18, he's going to kill me. And I think he's serious, man.
Fez: I just want my Rhonda back the way she was when I first saw her: on her knees, chugging beer from a keg!
Rhonda: But, Fez! I threw up twice that night!
Fez: Yes. All over my heart!
- Fez is crazy about you!
- Wait. What? Really?
- Yeah.
- Now, I wasn't supposed to say anything, but I hate when they drag things out on soap operas.
- Nothing happens Monday through Thursday.
- We all know
- Marlena's the killer.
- That's... Yes. Yes, I was.
- I kind of have, like, a passion for T-shirt logos.
- Okay, well, bedtime for this logo fan, okay.
- Off you go.
- Uh-oh.
- Naughty thoughts a-brewing.
Bob: Howdy, neighbors!
Kitty: We were just coming over to introduce ourselves to you!
Bob: Looks like we beat you to the punchity-punch!
[Punches Red in the shoulder]
Red: [Dismayed] Oh, damn!
Michael: Guys, I gotta tell you something. I'm omnipotent.
- Really? 'Cause when I saw your sweats around your ankles, I thought I was dead.
- Eric, I said, I'm fine.
- Oh, my God.
- Oh, my God.
- You are so cool.
- You... I... You are seriously, like, the coolest girl ever.
- Wow.
- Chicks must really dig astronauts,
- 'cause it says here... that astronauts get all the Tang they want.
- Hello, Wisconsin!
- We have to dispose of the dirty diaper.
- Shark.
- Shark.
- What do you want me to do with it?
- Just chuck it.
- What about the shark?
- Chuck it. Chuck it all.
[Jackie's mom has left home]
Kitty: Honey, do you have any idea where she might be?
Jackie: Well, the last postcard I got had a picture of some guy with a bone through his nose. What is that? Like, Tennessee?
- I'm what?
- Oh, dear.
- She's not so good.
- She's sweating like Muhammad Ali.
- Cut to her boobs.
- Who's directing this thing?
Michael: Wow, check out this new Police Academy they're sending me to in Waukegan. It's got its own pool! Oh, man, if I'd known it was gonna be this nice, I'd have burned down the old one a lot sooner!
Fez: Kelso, I'm really going to miss you. Who's gonna take my lunch money, and tease me, and pull down my pants in front of girls...
Steven: I'll be taking over.
- I wasn't falling, Bob.
- Oh.
- Well, then this is awkward.
- You can let go now, Bob.
- ♪ We did last week
- ♪ Not a thing to do
- ♪ But talk to you
- ♪ We're all all right
- ♪ We're all all right
- Hello, Wisconsin!
- ♪ We did last week
- ♪ Not a thing to do
- ♪ But talk to you
- ♪ We're all all right
- ♪ We're all all right ♪
- Hello, Wisconsin!
Michael: [laughs] Why is Hyde kissing Jackie?
[He looks back at Donna, who's running her hand through her hair]
Michael: What the hell? He's dead!
[He slams the beer can on the kitchen counter and starts pulling on the sliding door, unable to open it]
Donna: Kelso...
Michael: They're getting away! What is wrong with this thing?
Eric: It's against my better judgment, but...
[flips the latch]
Michael: Thank you. Now, Hyde's really dead!
Michael: [Kelso walks into the screen door] Well, that's invisible!
Laurie: Hey, little brother. I made out with Kelso.
Eric: SHUT UP!
Laurie: What is wrong with you?
Eric: Everything is wrong. Donna's mad at me and the plant's closing. Dad's out of a job.
Laurie: Oh, wow. I guess this is a bad time to tell him I flunked out of college.
Eric: You know what, Laurie? I can not believe that you're the favorite.
Laurie: Yeah. Doesn't it kick ass?
Jackie: Eric, if it makes you feel any better, Michael was really bad his first time, too.
Eric: Oh, that's supposed to make me feel better?
Jackie: Doesn't it?
Eric: [realizes it does] Yeah, a little. Thanks, Jackie.
- Now, I know totally nude Fez isn't original, but everyone seems to be happy.
- I'm happy.
- I'm happy, too.
- Hey, man, remember the 3-foot rule.
- All right.
- I'll stay right over here.
- He's tense enough, what with Christmas coming up and him only working part-time.
- Part-time, huh? That's rough.
- Ooh, when Bob gets tense, we take a bubble bath together.
- Soaking my naked body really relaxes him.
Michael: Mrs. Foreman, I have a black eye and I need ice!
Kitty: I'm not doing anything more for men today.
- those books, now go.
- Okay.
- Did you say "no"?
- Are you telling me no?
- Is that what I'm hearing?
- Yeah.
- No, that's okay.
- You can come with me.
- Great.
- I'm vicious, all right!
- I will tear that ass up!
- Look at him go.
- He's got the Forman rage.
- Get off of me.
- it's showbiz.
- Yeah.
- So you're happy here.
- Yeah, and you will be, too.
- And don't worry, you know, by the time you have a few kids, you'll probably be livin' in a much bigger trailer.
- Okay, fine.
- For the first time since his heart attack, your father and I are having intercourse.
- Sexy.
- Okay, let's get this over with.
- Happy birthday.
- This is, like, the slowest burn ever.
- This is like how burns were in the 1800s before we had electricity.
- Danielle stood you up so she could make out with the adorable new man in her life.
- Ah, me.
- That's right. Ah, him.
[to Eric]
Michael: Man, that is one big, bad-ass ring. Hey, maybe people will think that you won the Super Bowl!
Steven: Nah, nobody will believe that. But he *could* be the sick little boy that the whole team rallies around.
- Uh-huh.
- Okay then. Thanks for calling.
- So what's the good news?
- Well, the good news is...
- Eric got a job at pricemart.
- Run, honey. Run.
- Well, maybe it's because even witches have itches.
- All is forgiven!
- God, why do all my stories end like that?
- Don't stop.
- I like where you were going.
- All right, guys. It is time to make a withdrawal from the First
- National Bank of Pinball.
- when you became the first woman president!
- Oh, Monty, these prizes are bitchin'!
- Yeah, truly bitchin'.
- Now let's take a look at what you did choose behind door number three.
- It's your boyfriend and a promise ring!
- I love you!
Michael: Look, this whole thing started because I'm the stooge, and I can't be the stooge because I'm gonna be a dad soon, and no kid can look up to his dad if he's a stooge, unless the kid's a stooge, too, and then I wouldn't love him anyway...
Eric: Uh, well, I believe that everyone's political opinion is valid and worth hearing.
Reginald: Well, that's, that's perfect, Eric. Use that line when you're up for Miss America.
- Oh, 'cause you know, I...
- I came by.
- You came by?
- Yeah.
- I came by 'cause iwas thinkin'...
- Last night was the night.
Eric: Then they go into this bar and there are all these space creatures. Then someone makes the mistake of picking on Obi-Wan Kenobi. And then he takes out his lightsaber and he goes "whoosh" and he chops this guy's arm right off... 'cause it's a saber that's made out of light!
Kitty: You know, this doesn't sound like a nice movie. Now, "The Way We Were", that's a nice movie.
- and the record store is closing.
- Your life is changing, man.
- See, it's not the circle that's the problem. It's that your life is crap.
- Oh, my God. I've been using sobriety as a crutch.
- I need help!
- We're here for you.
- Hold out your hands, man.
- it feels so good to get out of the house and do something important.
- You know who else got out of the house and did something important? Jesus.
- And lucky for us he did.
- Are you all right?
- Well, I ran out of underwear, and I'm wearing my swimsuit, and, uh...
- I've said too much.
- Hey, Gerry.
- Here's my question.
- How the hell could you pardon Nixon?
[after Red announces he's sold the Vista Cruiser]
Kitty: You sold Eric's car? Oh, no.
[breaks into hysterical laughter]
- If it bothers you, we can invite them over, and you can do the grilling.
- But for now,
- I'd really appreciate it if you'd just shut it.
- If one more person tells me to shut it...
- What?
- You might actually shut it?
Kitty: [Everybody is packed inside the car] Do you have to breathe so much? It's like a sauna in here!
Eric: Alright, you heard the lady! No more breathing!
Kitty: I didn't tell you not to breathe, I asked you not to breathe as much. There's a difference.
Fez: [to Red] For crazy people...
Reginald: Hey, Ali Baba! Close sesame!
Steven: Red, you missed the exit.
Reginald: Oh, damn! Eric, you're supposed to be watching the map! What are you doing?
Eric: [Eric holds up the map, which he has folded into a crown] Making you a crown, because you're King of the Road!
Fez: I need to go to the bathroom.
Steven: Can you turn up the radio?
Michael: [Playing his video game] First down... Touchdown!
Kitty: WILL YOU ALL JUST SHUT UP!
- ♪ We did last week
- ♪ Not a thing to do
- ♪ But talk to you
- ♪ We're all all right
- ♪ We're all all right ♪
- Hello, Wisconsin!
- 'cause I need you to give me a ride over to my Cousin Larry's.
- I don't have a car, man.
- You can drive mine, man.
- I can't drive since my license got suspended.
- Why? What'd you do?
- Well, I dropped it in some soda, you know?
- And it just hung there, suspended.
- And then when I was looking at it,
- I ran a red light.
Reginald: Oh, God! Your mother's doing shots with Gladys from housewares! Kitty, put that down!
Donna: [to Randy] I can't believe we're stuck out here! I've been dying to get home ever since you threw that pingpong ball into that little teacup!
Kitty: [Kitty takes Donna's wedding dress, which is now gray, out of the dryer] Let's look on the bright side. Maybe gray is a more honest color for Donna.
- in your caps and gowns, ready to say "cheese."
- Is that clear?
- Fine.
- Fine.
- Yes, Mom.
- Hey? What kind of a moron leaves the keys in the ignition?
- When I put the keys in my pocket, it distracts from my natural bulge. God!
- Me, too!
- Me, too!
- It was hilarious.
- You guys should've seen it.
- Kelso's foot got stuck in a gopher hole, and... And...
- Why are you guys all looking at me like that?
- I was your secret squirrel, you son of a bitch!
- Get him!
- All right, fellows.
- You know the rules.
- You get a strike, you chug.
- You get a gutter ball, you chug.
- You get a 7-10 split, seven to 10 chugs.
- Hey, guys, look,
- I got 10-pound balls.
- Man, that joke never gets old.
- Hey, guys, my balls have holes in them.
Eric: [answering a threat from Hyde] Sticks and stones may break my bones, but Kelso nailed your sister!
- I just judge chicks on their looks.
- Suit yourself.
- But sometimes the old ones are super grateful.
- Yeah. Okay, Fez, but if you wind up in some car feelin' up June cleaver, don't come crying to me! Yeah!
[Fez needs money to buy new shoes]
Leo: Just do what I do and steal money from the register when the boss ain't looking.
Steven: Again, Leo, you *are* the boss!
Leo: And I'm not looking!
[Hyde takes some money from the register and gives it to Fez]
[the circle]
Michael: Honesty's cool, man. It's like I can do anything wrong and then ask for forgiveness, and then I'm good again. Someone should invent a religion like that.
Eric: Okay. So did anyone besides me think that some of the guys in that movie were not completely... average? Like, you know, they were way, way *above* average?
Steven: Well, you don't go into that line of work when you're *below* average. You just pray some hot, redheaded, neighbor girl likes you for your personality.
[Hyde snickers]
Fez: What are you talking about? Those men were completely average. In fact, I found the guy with the mustache downright puny.
Michael: See now, Fez, that's not honest. I mean, we all know you're small in the pants. What I'm saying is, from here on in, I'm only telling the truth. In fact, I'm gonna come clean to Jackie about everything.
Fez: Fine. You want honesty? I'll give you honesty. We are *all* small in the pants.
Steven: [in serious voice] Kelso, this might be your best idea ever. You know what? You should make a list of all the lies you've ever told to Jackie, and I'll help you. 'Cause all I really want is for you to be happy.
[Hyde smiles slyly]
Kitty: [Speaking to Donna] Eric was never good at knowing when "fine" is *not* fine. It kinda runs in the family.
[Red looks at Kitty]
Kitty: Well, so far he's nine out of ten. Oh, Red, our Johnny *is* high!
Red: Kitty, Eric's not on drugs, he's just... weird!
- you are gonna buy me a new TV!
- Now, get out of my sight!
- Yes, sir.
- All right...
- Sir.
- I could have had a corvette!
- You know, bring in the mail, water the plants, feed my dog, whitey.
- Your dog's name is Whitey?
- No, I was talking to you.
- Yeah. I guess I can do that. Wow, man.
- Staying at my dad's house. Be like the childhood I never had.
- And I won't be there. Just like the childhood you did have.
Michael: What about that time you were paid $2.00 to eat everything in Foreman's refrigerator, and you threw it up all over the place?
Steven: That was YOU!
Michael: Oh, yeah... that was AWESOME!
- You know what?
- I'll do it.
- I've always wanted to save the day by sliding down a chimney.
- That opportunity comes up surprisingly rarely.
- All right.
- I'm gonna do this.
- Okay, looks like it might be kind of a tight fit.
- I don't know if I'm gonna fit all the way down!
Michael: Man, I wish Jackie would loosen up. She's throwing a great party down here and she's missing it!
Fez: Kelso, you don't get it, huh? This party meant the world to Jackie, and you crapped on it.
Steven: Alright, ease up on Kelso, huh?
Michael: Thanks, Hyde.
Steven: [sarcastically] Yeah, so you did something horrible. But, it's Jackie, so who cares?
Michael: No, wait. What are you saying?
Steven: I'm saying you burned her, man. Royally. Nice job!
Michael: But, no, man! I didn't want to burn her! I invited all these people to her party so it would be fun! To make it good!
Fez: She didn't want a good party. She wanted *her* party.
Michael: You know what? You're right, Fez. Alright, this party's over! Everybody out!
Eric: No, Kelso! What are you saying, man? Think!
Michael: You know what, guys? For the first time in my life, I think I am thinking!
[Kelso throws his lit cigar in the trashcan]
Michael: You know, I'm in danger of ruining the greatest thing that's ever happened to me and I am not going to let that happen.
[Eric, Hyde and Fez bend forward to look at the trash can erupting into flames]
Steven: Kelso...
Michael: Do not interrupt me, this is important! From now on, I'm going to put Jackie's needs first and she's going to be *so* proud of me!
[Hyde points to the trash can. Kelso finally notices the fire]
Michael: Whoa!
[Kelso foolishly pours his brandy on the fire in an attempt to put it out. Naturally, the alcoholic drink nourishes the fire]
Michael: Whoa, man! This is a rager! Give me your brandies!
[Kelso grabs their glasses and pours more brandy on the fire]
Michael: Whoa! Whoa! Whoa!
Steven: Foreman, this is worse than you wore the Air Supply t-shirt to the Aerosmith concert!
Reginald: Let's go tell your mom about your day! Hey, where'd you learn those fight moves, by the way?
Eric: Spiderman.
[Walks away]
Reginald: [to himself, in dismay] I HAD to ask!
Kitty: All families are embarrassing. If they aren't embarrassing they're dead.
Kitty: And poor Fez had ice in his pants.
- Hiya, gang.
- Hi, Pastor Dave.
- Say, God's Magic Circle... That sounds like an Eric Clapton song, doesn't it, kids?
- Yes, Pastor Dave.
- Rock on, kids.
- Rock on, Pastor Dave.
Fez: You know, I have been called many names since coming to this country, but I have never been treated like that before.
Michael: You know, Fez, unfortunately, there are some people in this world that are gonna judge you on the color of your skin, or your funny accent, or that girly little way you run. But, you know what? You're not alone. Why do you think the Martians won't land here? 'Cause they're green and they know people are gonna make fun of them.
Fez: You said it, brother! I just wish that there was someplace in the world where prejudice didn't exist.
Michael: Well, that's Canada. Yup, good ol' Canada. They don't make generalizations about people 'cause they're too busy playing hockey, or gettin' drunk and putting maple syrup on their ham.
Nina: [Nina enters] Fez, we need to talk.
Michael: Hey! He might not be from this country, but he's beautiful, damn it !
Fez: Nina, our relationship is over. My self respect demands it, and there's nothing you can say to make me change my mind.
Nina: Fez, my parents are jerks and I want to get back at them by doing it with you on their bed.
Fez: Except that. Thanks, Kelso!
[Kelso raises his fist in support as Fez and Nina leave]
Kitty: [to Jackie] Honey, at holiday time we don't say, "He needs a kick in the nads!" We say, "He needs a kick in the sleigh bells."
Michael: Yeah, when middle-aged women get mad, they get super pissed! They've got nothing to lose, they're almost dead!
- And I think you guys are moving way too fast.
- Duly noted.
- And I'll stay out of your business, too.
- Okay, good.
- So I better drum me up some business, huh?
Kelso: You have the right to remain BURNED!
Kitty: Trade you a kiss for a lollipop.
Steven: I don't need that kid stuff.
[walks to door with everyone, waits until they leave, then turns around and runs back to Kitty, giving her a kiss and taking the lollipop]
[last: Jackie talks to her boss]
Jackie: I know in orientation we talked about theft in the workplace, so I would like to report a theft - from my check.
[Jackie shows her paycheck]
Jackie: Now, I don't know who FICA is, but that bitch stole like 10% of my money. Also, now, I don't know if you have this key in your typewriter, but when I write "Jackie" I like to dot my "I" with a smiley face. Also, now, I put this in the suggestion box, but... you have something hanging from your nose. Oh, and I want Saturday off. Thank you. Bye.
[Jackie exits the store without waiting for response, leaving her boss totally confused]
Bob: She's going to that school and that's final!
Eric: Okay, fine. But know this, I'm prepared to fight this with every fiber of my being.
[Donna walks in wearing her school uniform]
Eric: On the other hand, you can't put a price on a good education.
Kitty: Well, we're off to buy curtains for Eric's room. We're making it into a sewing area, so I thought a nice floral print might really pretty it up.
Reginald: It's all part of our plan to make Eric's room less girlie.
Fez: I wanted to make my room more manly, so I put up some posters of the Village People. Mission accomplished!
- but that's gonna change
- 'cause she's my girl and I wanna know her.
- That would be awesome.
- I got it.
- Grab her stuff. I'll go put her in the car.
- Yeah. Here.
- Thanks.
Michael: Eric! 'The Omen' is playing at the drive-in! Do you know what this means for us? It's make-out city!
Eric: I... I really like you as a friend, Kelso. But can I bring a girl?
- I don't care. None of this is really that bad anyway.
- Well, it gets a lot worse.
- Come on.
- We're going into the future.
- That's right, the '80s.
- Hey, what the hell was that?
- Oh, you'll find out.
- especially shiny stuff.
- Would you settle for a cheeseburger wrapped in tinfoil?
- Well, for you I will, but just know that i'm really lowering my standards.
- That makes two of us.
- Holy Toledo, tell me more about that!
- So you're saying...
- You put up with the fighting to spice up your S-E-X?
- Exactly.
- You two are naughty.
- You two are idiots.
Eric: Oh, hey, here comes a dumb question. Uh, I wasn't a mistake, was I?
Kitty: Oh, for... for... Okay! Who wants some cocoa?
- ♪ And get the body feeling right
- ♪ Everybody have fun tonight
- ♪ Everybody have fun
- ♪ Everybody Wang Chung tonight
- ♪ Everybody have fun
- ♪ Everybody have fun ♪
- Come on, Red.
- Let's go.
- Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, Kitty.
- What are you saying?
- You really wanted to attend this party.
- Stop it, Red.
- No, no, no, no.
- Now get in there and have yourself a good old naked time, huh?
- Who knows?
- They might play Twister. Could be fun.
[repeated line]
Fez: You son-of-a-bitch!
Donna: Well, last time I was here, they were looking for help. And they have no idea how weird you are.
Fez: That *is* an advantage.
- But all I know is, when life finally gives you a break from the crap storm, the best thing that you can do is to crack open a beer with a friend.
- To retirement.
- To divorce.
- You know, Red, retirement is gonna be great.
- Sleeping in every day, watching TV, doing nothing.
- I'd be happy to show you how it's done.
- Hey there, Harpo.
- Where's your horn?
- Bob, are you making fun of my hair?
- No.
- Take me.
- No.
- Take me.
- No.
- you can tell my friends how we did it at the Molly Hatchet concert.
- Look, I don't make it with guys at concerts.
- I read two periodicals a week about the Dewey Decimal system, which I'm sure you've never heard of.
- Okay, I have heard of Dewey Decimal.
- It's Donald Duck's nephew.
Pastor: Please stand for a moment of silent meditation.
[we then hear each family member's silent prayer]
Kitty: [she has just quit smoking] Dear God, thank you so much for helping me quit such a filthy, disgusting... soothing, delicious habit. Oh, God, I can't do this. No, no, I'm fine. Amen.
Bernice: Dear God, what's with all the Polacks?
Eric: Dear God, I don't mean to bother you on your day off, but I promised to help out with Grandma, and I have a term paper due tomorrow, so if you could either get her to leave early today or burn down the school tomorrow. I mean, either-or. God's choice. It'd really help me out, man... God... Lord... uh, Amen.
Reginald: Dear Lord, would it kill ya to give the Packers a winning season? Amen. Oh, and, uh, watch over my loving family, blah, blah, blah.
- ♪ We did last week
- ♪ Not a thing to do
- ♪ But talk to you
- ♪ We're all all right
- ♪ We're all all right ♪
- Hello, Wisconsin!
- Okay, I think what you mean is,
- "I'm glad you're doing what makes you happy."
- Oh.
- Of course.
- And I'm sorry that your fish died.
- Don't be. I flushed it.
Red: You know, we're getting killed here, thanks to you screwing up that last event. All you had to do was build a cabin out of Lincoln Logs.
Eric: Well, I thought I'd score some extra points by building the Millennium Falcon.
Red: A Millennium what? If that's a "Star Wars" thing, I'm going to kick you in the ass.
Eric: It's... not a "Star Wars" thing. It's a very rare falcon. That can do the Kessel Run in under six parsecs.
Jackie: No way, Fez! I can't believe you finally lost your virginity!
Eric: Wait, this isn't like the time you bought a hamster, named it Virginity and then lost it, is it?
Midge: So, do you wanna come to my course?
Kitty: I can't say I'm not tempted. Yes, I can. I'm not tempted.
[Fez is having a job interview]
Nina: You're stubborn, you're under-qualified, and you hardly speak any English. Welcome to the DMV!
- Well, it was broken anyway.
- No, it wasn't.
- I fixed it.
- Mom, you believe me, don't you?
- Of course I do, honey.
- I believe that you believe you fixed it.
- Now, let's do the right thing and cancel that barbecue.
- No. We're having it, and it'll be fun.
- And we just... We won't give Casey any relish.
- All right.
- Once Casey finds out he's not getting any relish, he'll dump Donna for sure.
- You are so screwed.
- No, Bob, I bought her the clogs.
- Get in the car, Donna. I'm gonna buy you something.
- Uh, actually, dad, I've got homework and...
- Do you love your daddy?
- Yes. Let's go.
- Looks like you're going shopping with the big ass!
Donna: If you keep stuffing your face like this your gonna get...
Jackie: Don't you dare say it, you bitch!
Donna: Fat!
Bob: [Bob gives Red a gift] You're welcome, big guy.
Reginald: What's this for?
Bob: No reason. I have been thinking about you and how much we have been through a lot.
Reginald: No, we haven't.
[Opens the box and finds new shoes]
Kitty: Oh, he gave you shoes. What do you say, Red?
Reginald: [to Bob] What the hell's wrong with you?
Kitty: Or we say, "Thank you, very much.".
Reginald: [to Bob] Don't you think it's a little odd for a man to be giving another man a pair of shoes?
Bob: I saw them. I thought they would go nice with your tan pants.
Reginald: Quit thinking about my pants. My legs and what covers them is my business.
Steven: Hey, Leo! Huggy Bear called, and he wants his suit back!
Kitty: At Christmas time we say, He needs a kick in the sleighbells!
Leo: You know why they call it beer?
Eric: No, why?
Leo: I'm just curious, man.
Midge: You mean that stuff was right here, in our own neighborhood? And to think of all the times we had to drive across town-
[Bob hurriedly cuts her off]
- The Head.
- Crepes.
- Poppers.
- Whatever. We'll be back.
- Why is it every time I leave the room, you guys do this?
- It's Thanksgiving.
- Some people bake pies, we bake ourselves.
- Son of a bitch.
- You ate the first 11!
- Oh, shut up!
- No, I won't.
- I weigh 80 pounds.
- Look at you!
- Do you know why I'm bald?
- My body is eating its own hair!
Red: See, that's the thing about marriage. No one tells you about the three rings. There's the engagement ring, the wedding ring and the suffering.
Jackie: [Jackie shows up after work in her cheese shop uniform] I am *so* exhausted!
Eric: Yeah, the commute from Austria must be a real bitch.
- And the two of you are splitting a pork chop.
- Thanks, man.
- Ah, no problem.
- So, you do know you're not getting any of that pork chop, right?
- Is that so?
- Well, I... Okay, I don't know if you realize this, but all this talk about water is really making me have to go pee.
- Oh, yeah, yeah. I'm sorry.
- Yeah, I can see that
- "urine" a lot of pain.
- Yeah, well, you better shut up,
- 'cause you're gonna have to go, too.
- That's where you're wrong.
- I am going.
- I thought there was more to you than that.
- But there isn't.
- But there is.
- I believe in you.
- Stop saying that.
- But I do.
- Damn. All right.
- Start digging the moat.
[Fez is dressed up as Batman, for Halloween]
Jackie: Donna, you know who protected me back there? Fez.
Donna: He had to. He's Batman.
Michael: [to Fez] It's not real English if you speak it with a foreign accent.
- I'm, like, so on top of everything.
- What's this thing do?
- Give me that, Kelso.
- Gonna hurt yourself.
- Hyde, that really hurts.
- Okay, do it one more time.
- I circled the airport so many times that my finger actually hurts from flipping people off.
- This is so typical of Eric.
- I let myself get all excited and then he doesn't even show up.
- You know, Mrs. Forman,
- I'm sorry, but your son is an inconsiderate jerk and
- I'm so glad I'm through with him.
- Thank you so much for being my maid of honor.
- That's what girlfriends do.
- I'm just honored you asked me.
- Yeah, but... you know, on the flip side, try to think about your life without Jackie at all.
- See, it's like a cat.
- They're both pets.
- No, they're not.
- Pets are called pets because you pet them.
- How do I pet this thing?
- Well, you just reach in and corner it and give it a rub.
- That's the thing about fish. They just love the feel of the human hand.
Steven: Mrs. Forman, college isn't for me. I do my learning on the streets.
Reginald: Steven, you're a smart kid. If you apply yourself, you can go to college, too.
Steven: You don't trust me alone around the house?
Reginald: See how smart you are?
Kitty: My baby boy is all grown up and off visiting college. I am *so* frickin old!
Eric: And menopause makes another unwelcome appearance at the dinner table.
- Are you breaking up with me?
- Well, are you giving back that ring?
- Yes.
- Then, yes.
- You took your hand off the van. You lose.
- This isn't over.
- It is, for you.
- Get out of here.
- And so begins the battle of wits.
- Oh, man,
- I've never been good at wits.
- Really?
- You're not leaving already, are you?
- Uh, no, I came out to get some fresh air.
- It's, uh... It's fresher out here, the air.
- I like air. How about you?
- Air's okay.
- You know what's really good?
- Water.
- That's really...
- And California people are freaks.
- Like that guy. You can't smoke that out here!
- I miss Eric.
- That guy even looks like Eric.
- Oh, my God. Eric!
- Donna!
Michael: All right, guys. It is time to make a withdrawal from the First National Bank of Pinball.
[Kelso opens the machine. There are only two coins inside]
Michael: Oh, man. No one's playing.
Fez: [taunting] Well, I would've played, but my frogs and chickens wouldn't fit into the slot.
- And then it would just be called "Landland."
- I'm sorry. I'll get you a candy apple, okay?
- Okay, okay, I got Eric out of bed. He's on his way down.
- Now remember, don't say anything about Donna.
- He'll talk when he's ready.
- Okay.
- by calling him any of the following names:
- Candy-ass... dumb-ass, lazy-ass...
- Uh, it... it just goes on like that.
- Well, that sounds like just good-natured ribbin' to me.
- Doesn't sound that way to me.
Jackie: Laurie makes me so mad! I just want to rip out her hair, show it to her, and hope it doesn't grow back! I hate her!
Hyde: Jackie, that's what she wants. She feeds on your anger, man. It only makes her stronger.
Jackie: Well, then, what am I supposed to do?
Hyde: If you really want to get under her skin, you have to be Zen.
Jackie: Zen? Okay, you can't just make up words, Hyde.
Hyde: No, man, Zen. At peace. Aloof. Zen.
Jackie: Oh. Okay, then. Hyde, will you teach me how to be Zen?
Hyde: You can't just teach someone to be Zen, Jackie. You can only *learn* to be Zen.
Jackie: Okay, I don't understand.
Hyde: Exactly. And that's your first lesson.
Jackie: Huh?
Fez: Oh, please! I'm a hot-looking, smooth-talking, frisky-ass son of a bitch!
Eric: Hey, Fez, right there! That's like... that's like, a really weird thing to say.
Michael: Yeah! I mean, we're used to you, but dude, you're weird!
- Good. Hey, speaking of Little House, did you ever see that one where Laura accidentally told Kelso, Hyde, Fez and
- Jackie that she was engaged to Donna?
- Eric, are you kidding me?
- God. You can't even keep a secret?
- Hey, Donna, I got an 800. We're lucky I can wash myself, okay?
- So I said, "You got it, baby."
- So then, I went to get some ice cream, and then I went to play some Space Invaders, and then I came here to watch the show.
- I could never be on TV, unless it was Johnny Carson, because I have a very funny story about a Cheeto that looked just like Jesus.
Donna: Did you get in a lot of trouble for the cigarette?
Eric: Uh, surprisingly, yes. It turns out Red has a temper.
Donna: Really?
Eric: So, yeah. Who knew?
- Sure he would. Shelly's a tramp.
- No man can turn down a tramp.
- Well, let's find out.
- Laurie, have you ever been turned down?
- Nope.
- Oh. Sorry, Donna.
- Don't feel sorry for me. Feel sorry for Eric.
- 'Cause I'm gonna kill him!
- Will somebody please open the door so I can kill Eric?
Reginald: [about to give Earl his 'walking papers'] Eric, take your break anywhere but here.
- Yes.
- What's our way?
- I don't know.
- Maybe we should ask Jackie.
- You're back with that one?
- Good luck.
Donna: Hey, Fez.
Fez: Hello, Donna. Now, tell me which one of these ladies is easy?
Tina: Donna, your creepy friends are playing with Dad's stereo.
Donna: [to unseen characters] Guys, you can't go in the house!
Fez: [to Tina] Hello, pretty lady with the eyes like the sea.
Tina: Hi!
Donna: She's not a pretty lady! She's my sister, and she's 14.
Fez: You know, in my country...
Steven: It's illegal here.
Steven: Yesterday, in the basement, I had the worst trip I've ever had!
Leo: Well I don't care how bad your trip was, you better have brought me a snow globe or something!
- ♪ We did last week
- ♪ Not a thing to do
- ♪ But talk to you
- ♪ We're all all right
- ♪ We're all all right ♪
- Hello, Wisconsin!
Jackie: [explaining to Donna why she's besotted with Kelso again] And when we look into each other's eyes, I know we're both thinking about the same thing!
Donna: Your hair?
- close your eyes and ask yourself one question.
- Who's richer?
- Okay, Fez, this is your station.
- Donna, here's my pepper spray, just in case.
- You owe me.
- Okay, let's see what we have to work with here.
- Roy, I think you might have left a $20 bill tucked in my sleeve.
- I'm always losing stuff.
- No, Roy, that was...
- And go!
- Ha ha ha!
Steven: [the kids are watching TV in the basement, when Hyde comes out of his room] Hey! Hey! Can you guys, uh, keep it down a bit, please?
Donna: Hyde, there's lipstick on your chin.
Fez: Hyde, why are you putting lipstick on your chin? It's for your lips.
Eric: Hey, maybe he's got a girl back there. So, Hyde, who's the lucky lady?
Steven: I never kiss and tell. It's Kat Peterson.
Donna: Yeah, right. You're in your bedroom with the most popular girl in school.
Fez: [sarcastically] Yeah. What happened to Farrah Fawcett? Did her car break down?
Kat: [later, Hyde and Kat Peterson emerge from his room] So, that was fun.
Steven: No, Disneyland is fun. That was nasty.
[Kat gives Hyde a kiss and leaves]
Donna: Oh, my God, Hyde! Kat Peterson! Nice.
Steven: Yep. She's slummin' it, I'm lovin' it.
- j' the same old thing j' j' we did last week j' j' not a thing to do j' j' but talk to you j' j' we're all all right j' j' we're all all right j' hello, Wisconsin!
- Oh, fine. Hey, Shields. Wait up!
- Aaah! Cuchi-cuchi-cuchi!
- Whoa, whoa...
- Can it, Charo.
- Yeah!
- Well, I am not gonna let that happen.
- Oh, no. This is crap.
Eric: Isn't the bikini a marvelous invention? Imagine the first Aztec who said, "I've just got to see some more belly-button", you know? Yeah, the Mexicans are such resourceful people.
Jackie: Eric, don't be so stupid. Everyone knows the French invented the bikini. The Mexicans just added on the top because they're Catholic.
Eric: Another good example of religion dividing instead of uniting. And, FYI, if God wanted Mexican women to wear tops, he wouldn't have created tequila.
- and I like him, too.
- Well, what do you like about him?
- I like how hot he looks sitting across from me in a blue t-shirt eating a hot dog.
- You just described me.
- Oh, crap.
- Now, go get your car, and then come by my place.
- I need you to hold my toes apart while I paint them.
- Well, errand boy... you just sold your soul for a car.
- Who cares, Fez?
- Your soul is like an appendix.
- I don't even use it.
Kitty: [to Kelso] Oh, honey, you're so wrong it hurts! A pregnant woman can't ride a rollercoaster, and she DEFINITELY can't drink alcohol, or bad things could happen to the baby.
Red: Case in point: Eric.
Kitty: We didn't know any better back then!
- I am having it.
- Okay, Kitty, what is it?
- Okay, it's about the neighbors.
- There's something you should know.
- Touchdown!
- Oh!
- Damn it!
- See what you made me miss?
- Oh, Eric.
- What a glorious man-ring.
- See, I told you to accessorize and you finally listened, huh?
- Man, you like it?
- Yeah. What's not to like?
- It's hypnotic. It looks like he has superpowers.
- I'd like to see the lame-o superhero that had to wear that ring.
Eric: I don't want to wake up in five years and hate my life.
Reginald: That's unavoidable.
Kitty: So, what do you want for your birthday?
Red: Whatever you want. Money is no object, as long as it's reasonable.
Eric: I want a cassette player for the car. A cassette player, not an 8-track. *Not* an 8-track. Okay?
Kitty: Why don't they put record players in cars?
Red: Okay, Eric. If you don't want an 8-track, you won't get one.
Kitty: Oh, but Red, he wants one!
Eric: No, I don't. I *don't* want an 8-track.
Red: You'll get a Delco. A genuine GM part for a genuine GM car.
Red: That's it! Eric, you're spending time with your mother!
Eric: What did I do?
Kitty: Red, don't make it sound like a punishment!
Red: Well, it is!
- It does? Where the hell are you getting...
- Which is beside the point, because you look lovely!
- And you know what else looks lovely?
- The view from the couch.
- Which is where your cheap, lying butt will be sleeping tonight.
- She's right about that couch. Got a great view of the TV from there.
- ♪ We did last week
- ♪ Not a thing to do
- ♪ But talk to you
- ♪ We're all all right
- ♪ We're all all right ♪
- Hello, Wisconsin!
Hyde: Hey, I got a B in Spanish! I didn't even know I was taking Spanish.
Eric: [Moments later] Donna! You're smoking a cigarette!
Hyde: Even worse, man. It's a menthol!
Kitty: Here ya go, Red. Belgian Waffles.
Eric: What's Belgian about 'em?
Reginald: They crumble at the hands of the Nazis.
- Well, I'm sorry.
- Yeah, yeah, I'm sorry.
- I should never have come up here without you, man.
- I am a winter nymph.
- I love the snow.
- Hooray, america!
- I mean, forman's not gonna just ditch us.
- The cruiser's battery is probably dead or somethin'.
- You know what?
- It's startin' to get late.
- Maybe we should just start walking.
- No, no. I'm not walking.
- If god wanted us to walk, he wouldn't have given us forman.
Chrissy: [Hyde and the punk chick are getting to know each other in her room] Has it occurred to you that we're on a bed?
Steven: Oh, man, this is so perfect. You're easy, too?
Chrissy: Yeah. See, the establishment doesn't want us having sex because they know it makes us feel good, right? So, if we can feel good on our own, what do we need the establishment for? So, every time we have sex, it's a huge protest.
Steven: You know what? I think I feel a huge protest coming on.
- I looked down and I saw your old baseball mitt.
- And it made me think what I always think.
- What a waste of money.
- Actually, Eric, you leaving was very hard on your father.
- The next day he just sat around moping.
- I feel like dancing!
Michael: [on hearing about Fez's predicament with Nina's parents] You mean, it wasn't because you're so weird? It's because you're foreign? So, you could have been as pretty as me and they still wouldn't have liked you - that is *so shallow* of them!
- So did I!
- Oh, it was just so wrong.
- Which is what made it so hot.
- So hot.
- Oh, Fez, you should have been there.
- Several times I was.
Eric: Fez, tell us what happened. And, and don't be afraid to use colorful words like sweaty, or fondle, or forbidden. Go on.
- What about the time that I...
- Oh, yeah, I got nothin'.
- You know, being with your mother has taught me one thing.
- A man can only rise to the level of the woman that he's with.
- Hey, what's up?
- I saw a naked man's butt.
- You come work for me and we'll kick butt at the father-son picnic.
- I'll even start a father-son picnic just so we can kick butt.
- Man, that sounds really cool.
- You know, I'll try and work it out.
- That's what I like to hear.
- Hey.
- But, Steven, you're gonna need a picture for your Christmas card.
- Oh, I love you, too.
- Really?
- Yes, damn it.
- So if you want to wait, we'll wait.
- Ah, come here, cocoa puff.
- Yeah, this is nice.
- Now, if you'll excuse me,
- I have to go sit in the snow.
- Even when he's not here,
- I have to see his ass.
- I've seen it almost as many times as I've seen his face.
- Oh, look. Someone's coming in.
- Fez?
- Hey, Red, am I late for Perry
- Mason? Ooh! Who's that handsome...
- You're just gonna let her go off with him?
- What else can I do?
- Oh, good God, that's it!
- Everybody in the living room.
- Now!
- Not you.
- I think we got it.
- That's lovely, red.
- Solid as a rock.
- It sure is. Thank you.
- Now, um...
- Why don't you go watch TV while I get lunch ready?
- What? Bring the ring back?
- No, I can't do that.
- You can, and you will.
- No later than 5:00.
- I have a party at 8:00.
- I need the time to dress.
- Eric, you're going to want to do what he says.
- I've been at the other end of Fenton's stick, and believe me, that's not a place you want to be.
Donna: Mom, why are you doing this?
Midge: Honey, there are lots of things I do to make your father happy that I don't really like.
- You know, I thought Fez was gonna tell me he loved me, but no, he was just trying to be a good friend.
- Ugh! What a jerk.
- Jackie, everybody could use another friend.
- Well, except Randy.
- What are you looking at, bitch?
- Partly slutty with a chance of severe sluttiness.
- Angie, what the hell?
- Burn?
- Burn!
- Well, there you have it,
- America, your first televised burn.
- Up next, a hard-hitting segment called Girls With Mustaches.
- Don't touch that dial,
- Sherry Papadakis.
Donna: [entering the Formans' basement] Quick, turn on the TV.
Jackie: [groans] Donna, nobody has time for one of your muscle-building shows.
- Nothing should happen to these pies, got that?
- Sure thing, boss.
- Well, nice going, you knucklehead.
- Now we gotta wash them.
- Wanna give me a hand?
- Bravo, bravo.
- So, we got a wise guy, huh?
Donna: One time, he was creeping around my locker, and when I opened it, there was a rose inside and my gym socks were missing!
Michael: Donna, a word of advice: you're not gonna want those socks back!
- Ooh, how about
- I get you some pretzels?
- I don't want to be any trouble.
- Oh, it's no trouble at all.
- No, you didn't let me finish.
- I don't want to be any trouble, but I'm gonna need something hot.
- Maybe something with refried beans and a little cheese drizzled on it.
- but men and women are doing all sorts of things we never used to do, hmm?
- Oh, my goodness!
- This is from Eric to...
- Eric and Donna are engaged?
- Well, if they are, I'm learning it here for the first time.
- So, Mr. Stuntman...
- Are you from Hollywood?
- Okay, I'm thinking of a number between one and 10.
- Six.
- You got it!
- Wait. So does that mean we can go in?
- No. That's the number of cops
- I'm gonna call if you don't beat it.
- But I'm supposed to be her co-anchor!
- And I'm supposed to be
- Brooke Shields. Ain't life a bitch?
[Eric learns that Hyde's new girlfriend is history]
Steven: She dumped me. She said she didn't like you. I told her, "Too bad, we're friends", and that was it.
Eric: Oh, man. I feel terrible. Is there anything I can do?
Steven: I don't know, man. I kinda really liked her.
Eric: Hey, how does ten bucks sound?
Steven: Forman, ten lousy bucks can't replace Jill.
Eric: Yeah. How 'bout twenty?
Steven: Jill who?
Kitty: Maybe this SAT thing is a blessing. It'll make a funny story to tell when Eric's a senator.
Reginald: The word you're looking for is "janitor".
- ♪ We did last week
- ♪ Not a thing to do
- ♪ But talk to you
- ♪ We're all all right
- ♪ We're all all right ♪
- Hello, Wisconsin!
Michael: Donna beat you at basketball?
Fez: Is this true, Eric?
Eric: Yeah. Is that a big deal?
Steven: Of course not. Unless Donna happens to be, you know, a girl.
Michael: Especially a girl you love.
Fez: In my country, if a woman beats you, it makes her want you.
Eric: Really?
Fez: Yeah, but this is America, wuss.
- And I want to move in with you.
- Here's your key.
- Dad? Are you sure this is a good idea?
- She makes me happy, kitten.
- Fine.
- But I don't want to see, like, any of her panties laying around the house.
- Don't worry. You won't.
Michael: Hey, check out this article in "Boys' Life."
Eric: "The Square Knot: Not Just For Squares"?
Michael: No, this one about being an astronaut. I think I'm gonna do that.
Jackie: Michael, I think as a prerequisite for being an astronaut, you have to be not dumb.
Michael: Uh-uhhh. If they can send a monkey into space, they can send me.
Steven: I don't know. Monkeys are pretty smart.
Michael: Alright, fine, fine, make fun. When you see my shoe prints on the moon, what are you gonna say then?
Eric: Probably "Hey, some monkey's wearing Kelso's shoes!"
Pamela: I'm just hoping that Jackie and I can figure out a way to get along.
Kitty: Well, you got your low-cut, getting-along sweater on, so... ha, ha, ha... I bet that'll help!
Steven: How'd it go with Donna?
Eric: I ruined it. And I knew I was ruining it while I was ruining it. I just kept on ruining it. Now, Bogie... You know that... that guy knows how to let a woman go. "Here's lookin' at you, kid". I threw a toaster.
- Where is that handsome son of yours these days?
- Oh. Don't you even think about it.
- He is in Africa, with the lions, where he's safe.
- Well, he's gotta come back sometime.
- Touch him and I'll kill you in your sleep.
- Oh.
Kitty: [sympathetic] Oh, your dad's havin' a hard time without your mom, isn't he?
Reginald: [looks sideways from his paper] Midge was the brains of that outfit?
[cackles]
Reginald: Oh, I'm... I'm sorry, Donna.
Eric: [opens the door to the kitchen, enters] Sorry about what?
Reginald: You, uh, get Donna bread and cheese.
Eric: [confused] Okay.
Donna: [strokes the dress Kitty is ironing] Oh, this is a really nice dress.
Kitty: I know! Isn't it fancy?
[laughs]
Kitty: It's for the Pricemart Ball tomorrow night.
Eric: Oh, right. The Pricemart Ball.
Kitty: [to Eric] So, who are you takin'? Who's the lucky lady?
Eric: Well, I decided not to go. Personal choice.
Reginald: [not looking up from paper] You don't have a date, do ya?
Eric: Okay. You know what? It's not about "can I get a date". It's about this great book that I'm, like, halfway through. Plus, you know, I could get a date.
[Red laughs]
Eric: I got numbers, buddy!
Kitty: Sure you do, Honey! You're Number One with me!
[laughs hysterically]
Reginald: [looking up from paper] You're goin' tomorrow night. And you'd better not go stag, Eric. There's nothing worse than an 80-pound boy dancing with his mommy all night.
[Eric slightly rolls his eyes]
Donna: You know what?
[clears throat and takes Eric's arm to turn him toward her]
Donna: I'll go. I told you I would, like, months ago.
Eric: But, that was before the... ugliness.
Donna: [ever-so-slightly dramatic] Eric, I'm over it.
[voice of realization]
Donna: Hey, I'm over it! Oh! I'm... I'm over it!
[Eric's eyes dart to and fro]
Donna: Plus, I mean, last year, they had all-you-can-eat shrimp.
Eric: Well, I mean...
[snorts]
Eric: You know, I'm over it. Hey! I'm over it! Yeah, I'm over it. I was just worried that you might think it was weird, us going out on a date. So, I mean, you know, the... the concern lay with you.
Donna: [amused] Eric, it's not a date!
Eric: It's not. I know. I know it's not a date. It's not a date. It's a... shrimp fest. It's a festival of shrimp, if you will.
Donna: [nods, laughing] Exactly!
Eric: Oh.
Donna: [still amused] I'll see you tomorrow night.
Eric: Okay.
[Donna leaves the kitchen]
Kitty: See, now, look. My little prince is going to the ball.
- Well, yeah!
- Well, how do you think
- I felt, red?
- Watching you stand over that poor man, your... your eyes burning with intensity, your... your suntanned muscles gleaming like a... like a bronze god.
Fez: You know, I'm starting this might not be part of the bachelor party plan. For instance, where are the strippers?
[Eying policewoman]
Fez: Fez: Unless SHE's a stripper...
Donna: You know, she just might be! Why don't you tell her to shake it?
Fez: [Approaching jail cell bars, addressing guard] Hey, mama, why don't you rip off that phony uniform and shake your moneymaker?
Sunshine: Are you talking to me?
[Approaching cell bars and grabbing Fez by the ear]
Sunshine: Because, first of all, I'm not your "mama", and if you EVER talk to me like that again, I will pull you out through these bars and find 50 new ways to use my nightstick!
Fez: [to Randy, in an undertone] She may not be a stripper, but she sure knows how to turn a boy on!
- Keep up with the smart mouth, and my foot will be 9/10ths of the way up your ass.
- You know, Forman, you should write a book.
- Things My Father Threatened
- To Put In My Ass.
- "Chapter One, His Foot."
- I'd buy that.
- Yay! Hooray! Yay!
- Ooh! [Gasps] [Thud]
- Yay! Hooray!
- Yay! Hooray!
[Thud] Oh! Ooh!
- Yay! Yay! Hooray!
- You know, if this were a mall, you'd be in a bathroom right now.
- Of course, you wouldn't be in a mall,
- 'cause you might accidentally put on some new clothes.
- Hey, man, this looks familiar. I think we just made a complete circle.
- Whoa!
- Oh, my God!
- No, I'd remember this!
- Rhonda, your lively tongue has made me thirsty.
- Would you like to wet your whistle?
- it's not that your father's trying to be a bad guy, it's just that he's been irreparably damaged by war.
- I'm just sick of you doing whatever the hell you want.
- Your father and I feel that you're not taking yourself seriously.
- Hmm.
- You are such a talented young man.
Kitty: [Referring to her romance novels] They're not dirty, they're ROMANTIC!
Red: [Reads the title] "Mutiny from Behind"...?
Fez: Hyde, I meant to tell you...
[reciting the rhyme]
Fez: Hyde and Jackie sitting in a tree, making love like two monkeys.
Steven: Will you shut up, man! That's not even how it goes.
Fez: Is it making you mad?
Steven: Yeah.
Fez: Then, that's how it goes.
- Um...
- Mom... why were your panties in the Vista Cruiser?
- And please be as specific.
- Donna, when you've been together as long as your father and I have... you need to do creative things in creative places.
- Ew!
- Ohh! Gads!
- It's okay.
- Let's go home.
- Oh, come on. I'm kidding.
- No, this is all right. We can hang out here for a while, okay?
- God.
- Here, have some of my pop.
- Sure.
- But I'm not gonna take my pants off.
- Okay.
- Okay.
- Would you be more comfortable if I put mine back on?
- Mm... might sleep better.
- Will do.
- So, how was your night?
- It was fantastic.
- Well, that's great.
- Good night, dad.
- Night, son. Oh, and, uh, be quiet going upstairs.
- Your mother is... very tired.
- I have to go throw up again.
- Okay. Hurry back!
- He's nice, I think you'd really like him.
- No, I wouldn't.
- Give me a chance, Luke.
- Look. Hello.
- He's choking me with his mind here.
- It's like, yeah, evil.
Reginald: [Fez has just helped load the luggage into the back of the Vista Cruiser] Thanks for the help. You seem to have a natural talent for handling luggage.
- Well, we do start doing nails next week.
- That might be fun.
- And I happen to know a few patients down at the hospital... who would love a manicure.
- Thanks, Mom.
- Uh-huh.
- Yep. It's... It's... It's just gonna perk 'em right up when they come out of their comas.
- ♪ We did last week
- ♪ Not a thing to do
- ♪ But talk to you
- ♪ We're all all right
- ♪ We're all all right ♪
- Hello, Wisconsin!
- If that recipe were the polio vaccine, we'd all be in wheelchairs!
- I don't like Lance Crawford.
- He's always staring at me in this really creepy way.
- And this one time, I saw him fiddling around in my locker.
- When I opened it, there was a rose inside, and my gym socks were missing.
- Donna, a little advice. You're not gonna want those socks back.
- Oh, no. Go ahead without me.
- So, Fez, um, my parents aren't home.
- Wanna come back to my house?
- I have a hot tub.
- That would be super.
[Eric wants to tell Donna how he feels about her]
Jackie: Look, Eric, just write her a letter. That's how I broke up with Michael. I was able to take my time and come up with good synonyms for... "cowardly", "won't-marry-me loser", "run-away-to-California" jackass!
[Donna tells Jackie she has two tickets for Led Zeppelin]
Jackie: Zeppelin? Oh, my God! That's a band, right?
Rod: Will Red get a job? Will Jackie ever find out about Kelso and Laurie? Will we ever find out where Fez is from? Will Hyde ever find his topless Cinderella? And whatever happened to Midge's daughter, Tina? Will Eric and Donna ever consummate their illicit teenage love? And what about Chuck and Bob? Oh, wait. They're not on this show. Confused? You won't be after this week's episode of "That '70s Show"!
Red: Are you saying that the source of my stress is my son? My son is a fine young man!
Eric: Dad, but you never...
Red: Shut up, dumb ass!
- "You are truly one soul becoming one joined...
- "alone forever.
- "So I don't look at this as the day I lose a daughter.
- "I look at this as the day I gain...
- "nobody."
- Salute.
[Bob and Midge storm into the hotel room where they thought Donna and Eric would be, but find Kitty and Red]
Midge: Oh, Kitty! What a pretty nightgown!
Kitty: Thank you, Midge.
[pauses]
Kitty: Could you hand it to me, please?
Fez: I am so cold. The snow has stolen my manhood.
- Say, Donna, do you have any more of that special ingredient we used?
- Well, I certainly do, Eric.
- Chocolate Super-Lax.
- You didn't.
- We did.
- We so did. Now maybe you'll think twice before screwing us.
- Well, nice try, 'cause I don't feel any...
- ♪ To last your whole life long ♪
- ♪ Don't worry that it's not good enough ♪
- ♪ For anyone else to hear ♪
- ♪ Just sing ♪
- ♪ Sing a song ♪
- This is my favorite part.
- Okay, here's what I just heard.
- "Third grade."
- Okay, you can stop doing that.
- I can stop doing that...
- Okay, fine. You know what?
- I'll fight you. Fine.
- Good. Tomorrow, 5:15, the playground, you be there!
- Why not just do it at 5:00?
- I have swimming lessons!
- Oh. Ok.
- Get ready.
- Here it comes.
- It's coming.
- Get ready.
- We're ready!
- Do it, fool!
Jackie: It's true, I love Steven Hyde. And someday he will love me. And he'll cut off those stupid side burns and we'll live happily ever after!
Eric: What?
- Oh, salami in the couch.
- Now, that's... sanitary.
- Okay! Okay, then, um, why don't you boys hang up those angels?
- And, um, Eric, come in here... and help me with the traditional holiday floor wax.
- Mom, seriously, we're okay.
- You can go, really.
- So Donna and me, we'll be okay, right?
- No.
- I scuffed your mom's shoe.
- I didn't pull her pants down in front of God and the foreign kid.
- So, what are you saying?
- I'm screwed with Donna?
- Hey, if it makes you feel any better...
- I'm surprised you lasted this long.
Steven: [admitting to Jackie, after years of saying that he hated her] I love you.
Fez: Peter Frampton, who's that?
Steven: Peter Frampton, the talentless idiot that a million brainless teenage girls made a huge star!
Jackie: I LOVE Peter Frampton!
Steven: A million and one...
Donna: You have to tell Kelso. If you don't, I will.
Jackie: Thank you, Donna! Thank you! Oh, thank you!
[she runs to the bathroom door]
Donna: Jackie, I don't want to tell him!
[a crash is heard. Donna and Jackie leave the bathroom and see Kelso passed out on the floor while Fez is slapping his face]
Jackie: I think he knows.
- That was incredible, huh?
- It was okay.
- Okay's good enough for me.
- Wow. Yeah, I don't know if it's the mountain air or the poison from that thorn bush, but I slept great.
- Oh, my God, it's almost 10:30.
- We're late for graduation!
- Just to see my best girl
- Donna, that's where.
- We're gonna split a soda pop.
- It'll be keen.
- Soda pop, eh? I have something that's even keener than soda pop.
- It's called marijuana.
- "Mari-what-a"?
- Come. I'll show you.
- So, um, where is the Coupon Liaison office?
- You're standing in it.
- Well, it's big.
- And look, you have a window.
- Maybe someday you can climb up there and look out.
- Joanne, what exactly is the Coupon Liaison?
Kitty: By the way, I did NOT spill peppermint schnapps on the Bible! It was Sambucca - I'm not trailer trash!
Reginald: Penny, you're cold. Go put on a sweat shirt.
Kitty: I suggested a photograph, not a go-go dancer from outer space!
- ♪ That you did last week ♪
- ♪ Not a thing to do ♪
- ♪ But talk to you ♪
- ♪ We're all all right ♪
- ♪ We're all all right ♪
- Hello, Wisconsin!
- Shut up.
- No way.
- It's true.
- So, come on, let's share the wealth!
- Come on, I'll buy you anything you want.
- Does that include burgers and nudie mags?
- Include?
- That's half the budget, man.
Michael: Let's stop fighting! It's Halloween! Time for peace on earth and goodwill toward men!
- Donna! Donna!
- Why would she go up the water tower?
- Why does she want to be up there?
- And why am I talking to myself?
- I have to...
- Climb.
- Oh, no. Plan backfiring.
- Thigh is so warm, inviting.
- Bony, but nice.
- Donna, your mother's on the phone.
- Oh, thank God!
- Eric, everything all right?
- Fine. Shut the door, please.
- Dad's in there, so I'll just, you know, forage for berries.
- Look, I am not happy about this situation either, but I am in there making the best of it, not out here diddling a basketball.
- Mom, if I was out here diddling a basketball, this would be a very different conversation.
- Get in there.
Eric: I'm... sleepwalking?
Reginald: And I'm about to be sleepkicking your ass!
- Hey, you remember when our destroyer got strafed, and you got four chunks of hot shrapnel right in the knee?
- Five. I still limp when it rains.
- Yeah...
- Great times!
- Oh, the greatest.
Steven: Eric, your whole year-off plan is lazy, it's selfish, it's gonna piss a lot of people off. So, good job!
- Oh, no!
- Oh, no!
- Oh, please, no!
- All right, Kitty, Kitty, don't panic. You know what to do.
[about Annette]
Michael: Look, this girl is beautiful, and she believes in me. And, if I can get her to put out, she will be 3 out of 3. But, right now, she's only 2 out of 3, and I'm sorry, but 50% just ain't gonna cut it!
Steven: [Awakens to softcore porn dialog on cable] What? Oh, Red, you dirty man!
[Runs upstairs to the living room to find Kitty on the couch]
Steven: Mrs Foreman, what are you watching?
Kitty: [Alarmed, switching channels on the cable box] Weather!
Michael: [feeling down since he and Jackie broke up] I am really hurting here, and I'm totally lonely.
Steven: Man, I've seen people gut-shot who complained less than you.
Fez: Kelso, what do you miss about her? All she ever did was call you names. Hey, I can do that for you. 'You idiot!' See?
Michael: [completely sincere] Thanks, Fez.
Fez: No problem, fart-face.
Jackie: Steven! I called three times in the last half hour!
Steven: Yeah, I figured it was you because all the calls came during the commercials for "The Newlywed Game".
- but this is my job.
- And, uh, work isn't fun, you know?
- It's work.
- And only quitters quit.
- Well, as long as you know what's important.
- I'll, um, see you around.
Steven: [to Eric] You're soft.
Donna: [Leaning over to Hyde, and in unison] How soft is he, Hyde?
Steven: [pauses] Softer than Liberace at the Playboy mansion.
[They all start laughing again]
- That's it.
- They're doing too well.
- What the hell is that?
- It's my secret weapon.
- A marble?
- Yep. I'm gonna chuck it out there so they trip.
- You moron, it's one marble.
- Give me that. Give me that.
- No! No!
Reginald: [to President Ford, after Eric streaks through the room wearing a Nixon mask] How the hell could you pardon Nixon?
- If I don't see some space jugs,
- I'm gonna be super-pissed.
- I don't know, guys,
- I heard it's okay.
- Well, there's no way it's better than the planet of the apes.
- I mean, those apes were really good actors.
[last lines]
Fez: They have a lot of questions in the D.M.V. application. Let's see: SEX: Please! Lots! ADDRESS: If I must, but I prefer pants! STATE: Nervous, but excited! MOTHER'S MAIDEN NAME: Streisand, but she won't acknowledge me.
[first lines]
Donna: Hey, Mrs. Forman. My dad's making a cheese sandwich, but he's missing some stuff. So, can I borrow bread and cheese?
- and we should support her for this.
- So you guys'll help out.
- Well, thank you, Red.
- And you're coming too.
- Oh, no, Kitty. I, uh...
- I have a meeting.
- With you... at church.
- Nice save, Dad.
- Shut up.
- They have wonderful balls.
- Red, grab that centerpiece.
- Oh! Hey, here's another.
- Donna, honey, grab that centerpiece.
- Kitty, how many centerpieces do we need?
- Red, they are centerpieces!
- What the hell is she doing with some high school kid?
- She went to college!
- Well, she did flunk out.
- Oh, kitty...
- I can see how their future is gonna turn out...
- And it's not good.
Randy: This is bad - we destroyed EVERYTHING! On the bright side, I don't live here.
- you need to make this dill-hole realize that a mind and spirit like yours... has more options than your mothers had.
- Yeah.
- Sorry. What?
- All right, Donna. So... are we cool?
- Kitty?
- Oh, there you are, red.
- Ma says the cat bit her, so I'm down here lookin' for it.
- Dad, we don't have a cat.
- That's what I thought.
Midge: Donna, your negativity is bruising our auras. Please leave.
Donna: Gladly.
Bob: Oh, and honey, we're also exploring tantric sex. So, if you hear any strange noises coming from Mommy and Daddy's bedroom...
Donna: Ew! Why must you guys freak me out on a daily basis?
- That Red had a crush on you.
- Oh, Kitty. I'm sorry.
- This face can bring as much trouble as it does joy.
- Well, Kitty, what do you have to say for yourself?
- It's the menopause.
- I'm messed up, Red.
- I'm real messed up.
Kitty: Why would Eric do that? Is our sex life so boring that he has to sneak around and watch X-Rated flicks?
Jackie: [hugging her] Oh, Donna. Of course it is!
- I'm not sure though.
- I think I have to drive the car some more.
- Well, I'm starting to think
- I might let you drive the car.
- Really?
- I'm not sure though.
- I think we might have to make out some more.
Edna: Sorry. It's these stupid...
[Edna hacks and coughs into a pot full of food]
Edna: ...health codes.
Fez: [In Fez's Village People fantasy] You are one wise Indian!
Indian: [Winking] Actually, I'm puertorican - this is just a gig.
- or it's off to the asteroid mines for you!
- Don't forget your briefcase, red.
- Thank you, servotron 2000.
- Now...
- Roll back the roof,
- 'cause I gotta go.
- Jetpack... blast off!
- but I think it's too small.
- Come model it for you?
- Nope. I gotta wooo...
- Hey, how's that mopping coming along?
- Well, I'm just happy to be part of the fatso burger family...
- You dumb ass.
- Yeah, good point.
- Plus what old lady wants
- Rock'em Sock'em Robots... or a box of Pop Rocks or a SuperBall?
- Yeah. Yeah. I mean, they could hurt themselves.
- You give the elderly Pop Rocks, and they could get all foamy and stroke out.
- So we're helping.
- We're helping.
- Donna's shared one of your doozies with the gang.
- Lordy, how we laugh and laugh and laugh.
- Right. I'm going.
- Okay.
- But the tennis pro says...
- "We don't serve those kind of balls."
Kitty: He's very sensitive about his legs, which he shouldn't be - they're like a lady dancer's!... Oh, maybe that's why he's so sensitive...
- Oh, my God.
- Donna, where have you been? The concert starts in an hour. I'm ready to go. Let's go.
- The concert?
- Oh, right. The concert.
- Well, you guys were so busy fighting over the tickets, I forgot to tell you.
- I gave them away.
- What? No!
- To who?
Fez: Aiyy, ENOUGH! Kelso, if you want to win a woman, this is what you must do.
[Takes Jackie's hand]
Fez: I, as a mortal, am not worthy of your love, and I spend every moment worshipping you...
Michael: [Grabs Jackie's hand away] What he said.
Jackie: Oh, Michael!
[Begins kissing him passionately, to Fez's dismay]
- Not so fast!
- If anyone's making waves around here, it's me.
- I'm trained in judo, hapkido and karate.
- I can also talk about you behind your back.
- And when it gets back to you, it'll really sting.
- So prepare to die.
Red: [after Eric refused to be Donna's boyfriend again] Let me get this straight - Donna told you she wanted to get back together and you said NO?
Eric: I said no.
Red: What the Hell is wrong with you?
Kitty: Dumbass!
[Red looks at Kitty in surprise]
Eric: Look, I have my reasons, okay?
Red: What the Hell could they possibly be?
Eric: Casey dumps Donna and then Donna comes running back to ME? Look, I'm not a rebound, All right?
Red: You're too PROUD to take her back? What exactly do you have to be proud OF? You're not an athelete! The only thing smart about you is your mouth! And, well... look at you!
- if I rewrite some of that history.
- Look!
- Oh, crap! It was dark.
- Fez, this really shouldn't be this hard.
- Look, I just want everybody to know how much I love you.
- I always have.
- Kelso, I just can't believe you picked Hyde over me.
- I mean, what exactly was your criteria in choosing a godparent?
- I mean, was it the ability to shoplift a keg?
- My reasons are complicated.
- Complicated or stupid?
- There are elements of both.
- I love you, Eric, and I want to be with you.
- God, Donna, I...
- Love you.
- Are you...
- Sure, sure?
- Yes, yes.
- who do you love the most?
- You're right. You're right.
- That's what I should do because I'm...
- No, no. Not here. Not here.
- Yeah, that's... Yeah.
- More dishes? I thought we already loaded these.
- You had to bring the Millennium Falcon.
- my host parents make me read scripture.
- Well, why don't you, uh...
- Go sit in the basement?
- All right.
- Well, what'dya know?
- Haji had it right.
- Shut up, kelso.
- This is your lucky day.
- Kelso: Laurie, don't. Stop.
- Hey... uh... those are my pants!
- No!
- Yes.
- Yes.
- Get off me, spaz!
- Oh, Steven likes birthdays.
- He just doesn't know it.
- Which is why we're throwing him a surprise party.
- Now, I need two helpers with keen feminine sensibilities to help decorate.
- Jackie and Fez.
[after redoing the basement]
Leo: Okay, we're all done.
Kitty: But, you've only been here a day.
Leo: You know what they say: "Rome was built in a day".
Reginald: No... "Rome *wasn't* built in a day".
Leo: Oh. Your *basement* was built in a day.
- I'm sorry, Donna.
- That's the way it's gonna be.
- I don't want to talk about it anymore.
- Should've known this wasn't gonna work.
- Foreigners never finish a job.
- Oh, please.
- If Bob hadn't shown up,
- I'd be your step daddy right now.
- Okay, Fatso, you're coming with us.
- And if you try to fight back, well, that'll scare the living crap out of us.
- Okay, you guys, after this, we should steal a car!
- No! A kid!
- Donna, that's kidnapping.
- Okay fine, a dog!
- Just something alive!
Eric: [Last lines] Ricky, how did you start working here?
Ricky: Funny story. I was going to go to college, then they made me assistant manager and threw all this money at me, and I didn't go.
Eric: Yeah. I'm quitting now.
[jumps over the counter]
Ricky: Oh, I would.
Eric: I like you.
Donna: So... you're in like with me?
Donna: All I can think about is, what is my dad doing, who he's doing it with, and am I gonna see it...
Pamela: Well, whatever he's doing, he's doing it with me! And we're doing it everywhere, so... knock.
- Oh. It's you.
- What do you want?
- Um, we're just here to borrow some sugar, neighbor.
- I don't have any.
- You don't eat sugar and keep this figure.
- Then we'll go. Because everything here looks ship-shape.
- It may not be suede and it may not be from China, but I am neither of those things and I'm a better person for it.
- Well, it better be good stuff.
- Cheap leather makes me rashy in all the wrong places.
- What are the right places?
- I've said too much.
- Steven, do you think I'm fat?
- I know you're fat.
- Go get me a beer.
Michael: Pavlov was this scientist guy, you know, and every time this dog would ring a bell, Pavlov would eat.
Kelso: [Walking into the basement] Alright, Eric traded Donna in for a hot blonde!
[Donna turns to glare at him]
Kelso: Oh, CRAP! She looks just like Donna!
- You just take your mother in the house.
- Mom.
- Well, th-this is...
- This is a terrible loss.
- Mom, didn't you just say that she was evil?
- I never said any such thing.
- Okay.
Donna: [discussing a TV program] We were sitting in these same seats when we saw it.
Steven: Actually, you were sitting over there. I remember it because I could see up your skirt.
- Because I meant to say: Buy something or get out.
- Fine.
- I'll go some place else then.
- Come on. Let's go.
- Mmm...
- I'm not goin' anywhere.
- I just bought a hot dog.
- I'm outta here.
[on the way to the club in Chicago]
Fez: People are so friendly around here. Two women on the corner just offered to have sex with me.
Steven: Yeah, for money, Fez.
Fez: I could not ask them for money.
[pauses]
Fez: Or, could I?
- Kitty, I am so sorry.
- And I promise, no more pranks, ever.
- Okay.
- So, we're done here.
- Wait!
- You're not hurt.
- You were faking it.
- Oh, don't sound so surprised.
- I fake things plenty.
Kitty: Eric, Honey, I was thinking tomorrow night we could go shopping, just the two of us.
Eric: Why?
Kitty: Well, because we need to get you some new shoes and some underwear.
Red: Kitty, we bought him shoes last year.
Eric: [increasingly uncomfortable] Yeah, and I can shop for my own underwear.
Kitty: Oh no, you can not! The last time you went, you bought them too snug, and I want grandchildren.
Fez: Oh, I am so excited to be in the Food Service Industry. May I cut the cheese?
Edna: [to Hyde] Is he kidding?
Steven: We can never tell.
Edna: Well, knock yourself out. But if you cut off a finger, you're outta here.
- Oh! Flowers, champagne.
- Cashews.
- The most expensive nut, you know.
- Oh, dear, sweet Red.
- I have to go see him.
- Are you feeling better?
- No.
- Okay, good. Nighty-night.
Fez: Guys, Nina agreed to let me meet her parents, and to seem completely normal, I've come up with the perfect opening line for Nina's mother: "Hello, Mrs. Bartel. I can see where Nina gets her lovely ass.".
- ♪ We did last week
- ♪ Not a thing to do
- ♪ But talk to you
- ♪ We're all all right
- ♪ We're all all right ♪
- Hello, Wisconsin!
[Red has just finished telling the boy his version of the Vietnam War]
Reginald: ...and that's what really happened in Vietnam.
Young: [confused] I don't understand.
Reginald: [glumly] Neither do I, kid. Neither do I.
Kitty: Okay, little boy, time to say goodbye to Santa.
[Kitty leads the boy away. The boy turns to her]
Young: What's an "ambush"?
Kitty: [smiles] It's a pretty bush with yellow flowers.
[Red gets up and approaches Kitty]
Reginald: Kitty, I gotta tell ya. I'm good with kids. I really taught him something. Y'know, I think I'm beginning to feel the Christmas spirit.
Kitty: Well, I'm glad Red, but let's try telling a Christmas story where nobody gets caught in a firefight.
[Red turns back and sees Bob sitting in his chair, also dressed like Santa Claus. Bob waves to him]
Reginald: Bob, what the hell are you doing?
Bob: You're depressing the kids. I'm Santa now.
Reginald: Get out of my chair, Bob, or you're gonna get a candy cane up your chimney!
Bob: I'm not moving.
Reginald: [takes off his Santa hat] Kitty, hold my silly red hat.
Midge: I think your annoying friend is right.
Donna: What?
Midge: Certain things change.
Donna: Eric and I have been playing games our whole lives. Sometimes he wins, and sometimes I win.
Midge: No, I mean the rules change. Women have to pretend to be weak and fragile so that men can feel superior.
Donna: That's insane! If women don't learn to stand up for themselves, then men will always control the world!
Midge: Oh, Honey. Men don't control the world!
Jackie: I mean, it's simple. The woman just needs to be a cook in the kitchen, a maid in the living room, and an acrobat in the bedroom. And I can hire a cook and a maid.
- No, but I wasn't...
- Eric Forman, you're fired.
- You know what? Fine.
- Rudolph had a girlfriend.
- Her name was Clarice.
- She thought he was cute.
- Okay, if anyone was gay, it was that... That Hermey.
- No straight elf has hair like that.
Kitty: Here, honey, I brought you something back from the hospital. A lollipop!
Eric: Mom, I'm seventeen years old.
Kitty: Which is why I also brought you condoms.
[Eric and Red groan uncomfortably]
Kitty: Well, see, we had a teenage mom come in, and it's just, well, y'know, I worry about you.
Eric: That I'll get pregnant? You're not a good nurse.
Kitty: Now don't be a porky-mouth. Oh, here. Sexual health pamphlets.
[Eric and Red groan again]
Kitty: I just want you to know that intercourse is a responsibility, not just a right.
Eric: [he gets up to leave the kitchen table] OK. Well, this couldn't be more uncomfortable.
Kitty: [as Eric is leaving] Oh, oh, don't forget your condoms.
Eric: I was wrong!
Jackie: You know what girls talk about when we get together?
Eric: Sugar and spice and everything nice?
Jackie: That's what we're *made* of, dumbass!
Red: Women are NEVER done with it, son: anything you do they sit on like an egg for 25 years, and then it blows up on Superbowl Sunday.
Kitty: Are any dirty Commies less dead because of him?
- ♪ We did last week
- ♪ Not a thing to do
- ♪ But talk to you
- ♪ We're all all right
- ♪ We're all all right ♪
- Hello, Wisconsin!
Red: Soon, every Pricemart stock boy will be trained in the Red Forman system!
Eric: Undermining their self-esteem until they're too weak to fight back?
Red: If you'd just shut it a minute, you might be interested to hear who I'm gonna pick for the stock boy!
[Turns to put a hand on Kelso's shoulder]
Red: I'm gonna use this idiot.
Michael: Alright!
Fez: Hyde, when I see a girl, how long do I have to wait before she wants to french me?
- Really?
- Thank you.
- No, thank you, buddy.
- We're going to be great and go straight.
- You ready?
- You bet I am.
- Let's see you do QT in the KP with this, you SOB.
[watching an X-rated film]
Fez: Oh, nothing is going to happen in this scene. That's just two ladies.
[still watching the film]
Fez: Oh, bravo! Nice plot twist!
Michael: [gazing into Jackie's eyes] You're so pretty, you don't even need to know math!
Jackie: That's so funny! I was just thinking the same thing!
- Jackie, it's all right.
- You just gotta get over this and be strong.
- You're right, Donna.
- You're right.
- Oh, how I wish my daddy could buy him for me.
- Yeah, I know. I know.
- This smell like chocolate to you?
Eric: I'm the man, and the man's the man, and that's just the way it is.
- ♪ We did last week
- ♪ Not a thing to do
- ♪ But talk to you
- ♪ We're all all right
- ♪ We're all all right
- ♪ Hello, Wisconsin! ♪
Reginald: [yelling at Eric] This isn't yelling! When I yell, you'll know it!
Jackie: Hyde, if you want to make out with me, the answer's probably no.
- No way.
- She's too tall, too tanned, too rich.
- Damn, Jackie, I don't want to kiss a short, pale, poor girl.
- Okay, look, Michael, all I know is I don't want to stay broken up.
- Okay, you know what?
- You choose.
- Kiss any girl you want.
- You're Viking fans?
- What the hell is wrong with you?
- Get out of my house!
- Red, come on, it's not our fault. We're from Minnesota.
- We were born this way!
- Out! Out, sickos!
Eric: Mom, maybe you should stop worrying about everyone else so much and start thinking about yourself. Maybe you should find something to enrich your life. Oh! May I suggest the teachings of the Jedi?
Reginald: And may I suggest the footing of your ass?
[Eric waves his hand, imitating Obi-Wan Kenobi's gesture of mind trick]
Eric: This is not the ass you're looking for.
Red: Steven, you're 18 now - time to start being a man! And the first rule to being a man is, you gotta spend your life doing crap you don't wanna do.
- Talk about what? You cheated on me. Okay? It's over. I feel nothing.
- Ooh, bitchy.
- You know what? Donna,
- I'll just see you next door.
- Ouch!
- Are you okay?
- Fez!
- Panties! Panties!
- Oh, ho, ho!
- What a little lover boy!
- Ooh!
- See? He likes you.
- How about that?
- He's got menopause, too.
Michael: [to Hyde] You know what your problem is? I'm too good-looking!
Michael: Jackie, where did you go?
Jackie: I had to go and get something for you to bite on. I told everyone you were having a seizure.
[Jackie has just beaten up Laurie]
Hyde: You kicked her ass, man!
Jackie: [exhausted] Yeah... yeah... whatever.
- Jackie? Jackie! Are you okay?
- You were moaning in your sleep, and while I find it enjoyable,
- I thought I should wake you up.
- I'm fine. No,
- I'm fine, it's just, um...
- Fez?
- Get back in here, you beast!
- Oh, coming, my Beauty!
- Jeez. You didn't eat that fish, did you?
- 'Cause I was just kidding.
- All right, then.
- Stop acting weird.
- ♪ We did last week
- ♪ Not a thing to do
- ♪ But talk to you
- ♪ We're all all right
- ♪ We're all all right ♪
- Hello, Wisconsin!
Michael: Bob's goin' out of town for the weekend? All right! Party at Donna's! OK, we're gonna need beer, balloons and girls with low self-esteem.
Kitty: [to Red] Great, now Alice wants to know why Eric didn't show up!
Reginald: Well, don't look at me! No son of *mine* wouldn't show up to his own wedding!
Kitty: [on the phone to Alice] Eric didn't show up...
[searching for a reason]
Kitty: because he's gay.
[exasperated]
Kitty: Yes, everyone knew except him!
Dr. Hammond: Well, he sounds like a fine man. Or at least he is now, before you get your sadistic female claws into him and make him forget he ever was a man.
- Okay.
- You're dumb and lazy.
- Oh, there's my lady.
- Excuse me, you're blocking the aisle.
- Hey.
- Hi, Leo.
- Come here often?
- You spent all night making out with little Miss Can't-Find-a-Bra.
- Hey.
- Come on. You made me the third wheel.
- Who cares, man?
- Her parents are out of town, and they got a waterbed.
- But you killed that dream.
- I'm out of here.
- But you don't get to storm out, okay? I storm out.
[referring to Eric's failing grades]
Fez: Crack a book, you lazy son-of-a-bitch.
- Kelso, are you okay?
- I think I fell!
- I'm gonna go check on him.
- Okay.
- Okay, I think he'll be fine.
- Now, let's see.
- Where do I begin?
- I want it to look like it's coming right at me.
- I am a rich person who doesn't have money.
- Big diff.
- Hey, is that a blackhead?
- No!
- Cheddar? Cheddar?
- Cheddar?
- can I have the car again?
- Oh, she's that girl.
- I know that girl.
- Stay away from that girl.
- Hey, Forman, your mom wants to talk to you.
- She wants to know why you drank all of Red's beer.
- Well, no.
- Not an attack, just a little episode.
- I mean, what does it take to get that beeper going?
- Hi, Red.
- Wow!
- That must be the lasagna kicking in.
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